All language subtitles for Our.American.Family.2022.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP.2.0.H.264-GNOME.[eng]

- Addiction...
is really cunning...

and really good.

Addiction is not
a logical disease,

so you can't talk logic with it.

Your family falls apart,
you lose your job.

You lose everything
that's important to you.

You lose relationships
that are important to you.

It's not that you don't care.

It's just the disease
is bigger than that.

It really weaves through
a family so well.

The disease is always
the most important thing.

- It was a well-known thing
in my family

that my dad was an addict.

I caught him in the basement
using when I was in fifth grade.

I believe that I was an addict
at birth.

I've lost years.

I started this at the age of 19,

and it's like 10 years
just went by.

I have no idea who I am.

I never managed to get more
than a couple of months sober.

Last time I overdosed,
they Narcanned me six times.

There's a reason
why I'm still alive.

- My sister showed me

everything that you need to know
about heroin 101.

I was itching just as much
as she was at one point.

I didn't learn how to get clean
from rehab or halfway.

I learned how to get clean

because I put in solid hours
of work.

I see myself as doing
so much more

than fucking shooting dope.

- I feel like when it's just,
like,

my brother and my sister around,
I don't feel myself.

I actually, like,
am pretty depressed.

When they left for rehab,
I prayed for them all the time.

But there was no problems here.

It was just me, my mom,
and my stepdad.

Life was good.

- I'm the stepfather
of drug addicts.

I never had a problem
fixing problems.

And I figured this would just be
something else I could fix,

and I was wrong.

- I was the fifth child born,
my mom's youngest.

She suffered
with anorexia nervosa.

It shows up just like addiction.

She looked like she was dying
all the time.

I had goals and aspirations,
and it didn't matter.

There was no regard
for what I needed.

It was about what she needed

and what I needed to do
to make that happen.

With addiction,
you grow up with it.

You have a first husband
with it.

You have your kids
that are struggling with it.

I promised my kids...
We all fucking get out alive.

We all survive this.

- I don't smoke ever,
so I don't know whatever...

- You really don't?
- I really don't, so...

- Well, I'm glad for that.
- They've been with me all day.

Did you guys see me smoke
at all today?

- No. You're right.
I'm glad about that, Nic.

- Yeah.
- When did you stop?

- I stopped months ago.
I smoke maybe, like...

- That can't even be.

I saw you have a cigarette
like two days ago.

You need to quit.

You know, smoking cigarettes...

The statistic shows
that it's harder to quit drugs

if you're still smoking.

- I actually might get a couple
of drags off of that.

- I don't think she cares
right now.

- Oh! Oh! Oh!

- I'm going inside, dude.
Fuck that.

- This is the healthy
alternative?

- Let's sit down so we can talk
like a nice, happy family.

- Get yourself one of these guys.
- Look, I'm done already.

- Why do you think Christopher
needs an intervention?

- That's what we're all
doing here.

- Because she's projecting now.
It's a defense mechanism.

- I know.
I'm tired of hearing it.

Every day, you get me on the
phone and tell me that he...

he needs an intervention
for marijuana.

- He does. He does.
- Do you need an intervention?

- You can't live here
and be on pot, so...

- Pretty sure I've been here
for the past three days,

and I haven't even been out
of the house.

So I got to go?
- Well, go or stop smoking pot.

- I'm being truthful.
I could have just sat here

and been like, "No,
I never smoke pot ever."

- Right, but you have to gt
drug-tested to live here.

- But in social situations...

Yeah, you're right.
- Okay.

- Well, Nicole,
you were successful. Good job.

She always is.
We...

- 'Cause I'm a success.

- Yep, you're a success.
♪ I just want to be successful ♪

- I'm tired of hearing her say
every time you guys fight

that you shouldn't be living
in the house with her daughter

because she has to live
in a halfway house.

- That's because she's crazy.
Look at Nicole.

You're gonna sit here
and tell me

the 12-step program works
for a couple of people.

Nicole's been in 19 of them.
You're gonna sit here

and tell me that drug addiction
isn't worse than cancer?

- I hate when you do that.
- You just told me

that drug addiction
wasn't worse than cancer.

- Numbers. The numbers.
We're talking about the numbers.

We're talking about the numbers.
That's what we're talking about.

- Because I have higher
credentials to talk about this

than three out
of the four people...

- Here we go.
- You won't want to hear it.

- You're spewing out facts
that aren't real facts.

- What facts?
I said drug addiction.

There's more deaths
than breast cancer.

And I'm pretty sure
you don't even know that.

- That's not true. Look it up.
- I don't think so.

- I'm not gonna be the dickhead
that pulls out my phone.

- The only reason...
- "Opioids now kill more people

than breast cancer."
CNN.

- Okay. You're right. I'm sorr.
Look how happy he is.

- I'm not happy. It's just
you're all fucking retarded.

Bryan's the only knowledgeable
person in the fucking room,

and you're all telling me
I'm wrong.

- I'm sorry. I care about you.
I think you're a good person.

But how dare you call my house
and curse at my daughter

when she's just trying to
spend time with her family?

After seeing the Snapchat story
with you and Nicole last week,

after hearing about this,

that you're
in the hospital again,

I'm really concerned,
and I'm worried about Giovanna.

I'm worried about her
coming out there.

- You're cold?
Oh.

- I wouldn't do it
for Nicole either.

I'm worried. I promised your
daughter I'd keep her safe.

- Oh, you did a snowman?

- Like, I have so much
responsibility here.

I send her up there, you go
shoot dope, you overdose,

and she grabs your needle,
and then she dies.

I got to live with that
the rest of my life.

And I saw the signs
right in front of me.

I just spoke about it
last night,

about all the years I minimized.

I'm gonna sit here
and believe you.

Take care of yourself.

- Baby, come here.
Come sit with Mommy.

- That's my favorite toy.
- That's your favorite toy?

- The last time Nicole overdosed,
she had been living

in an apartment
half a block from here.

Her boyfriend and the baby were
at the apartment

under the idea that they were
gonna try to be a family

with me right close by watching.

That went really bad
really fast.

I get a phone call
from the landlord,

and she was freaking out,
saying, "What is going on?

Why are the cops
trying to bust in my door?"

So I just jumped out of bed
and booked down the street.

I said to one of the cops
outside,

I said, "Is it the girl
or the boy?"

And she said, "The girl,
and she's not responding."

I said, "I'm going in.
That's my daughter."

I looked down at Nicole, and she
was blue and she was gone.

And they had her clothes
ripped off,

and they had machines on her.

And I just kept screaming
at them, "Please.

Just please, please keep trying.

Keep trying to save her."

- Hello.

Welcome to "Cribs:
Long-Term Recovery Edition."

I'm Nicole.
I'm your host.

We have the living room,
the whiteboard.

It causes a lot of controversy
every day.

We have issues over
who gets to write on it.

Serena always wins.

Womanspace philosophy.

We have to say it every day.

Oh, the Christmas tree.

Whoever draws the short straw
has to pretty much take it away.

And then this is where
the magic happens.

Right, Miss Helen?

I'm showing them the office.
- Okay.

- So you might want to pop
that cleavage out, baby.

Because of insurance,

Womanspace is a four-to-six-month program.

- Welcome to our room.
- Welcome to the penthouse suite.

- This is where it all happens.
- This is where it all goes down.

Notice how I have
the smallest side of the room.

- She came in last.
- I did come in last.

It's just pictures of G.
That's Giovanna's baptism.

So, Stephen
is Giovanna's godfather.

And that one up there is her
with, like, one of my bras on.

She used to, like, steal my bras

and, like, run around the house
with it.

That's her baptism picture.

And there's her
with my brothers.

I met somebody in rehab.

I got pregnant
with Giovanna in rehab.

Signed over custody of my child
to my mom

when I overdosed
with her in the apartment.

I was sober
for almost four months.

- When I first met Nicole,
I was like, "Oh, my God.

Who is this girl?"

And I've seen her grow.

Like, I believe she came in
with 16 days or something.

And till now, it's like,
"Oh, my God.

What a transformation."

You can make a friend,

especially after being
so many months with someone.

You can build a friendship.

- Megan is creative and...

...right from the bat, I noticed
how giving and loving she is.

I'm so glad
that our paths crossed.

- Mm-hmm.

- So glad.

- Me too.

- You know, we've had division,
and we've had situations,

where we have had disagreements.

- It gets real in here. A lot
of shit goes down, you know?

We talk about some real shit
in here...

- Yeah, yeah.
- ...that, like, you know,

we don't talk about in therapy
and stuff like that.

- It's like us empowering
each other, too.

- If we allow ourselves
to feel like we're less than,

that we don't deserve it,

that's what we're gonna believe,
that we don't deserve it.

- My hope and my desire

is that we don't die
from this disease of addiction.

And I see hope here.

And you girls, I love you.

I'm so glad you're my roommates
and you're here.

Thank you.

- Chris, you have
a haircut today.

All right. Don't forget.

- I got you.

- Here you go.
No?

- Look what's on TV, G.

- Uh-oh. Your favorite.

Do you want to go get your chair
in your room

so I could do your hair?

Go get your chair.
- No.

- Please.
- No.

- All right.
I'll get it.

- Yeah.

- G, you're so pretty.

And when we get to the studio,

can you take the hand towels
that are in the bathroom,

the used ones,
and throw them in the wash?

Okay.

Say bye.
Give Uncle Stephen a kiss.

First when I took her there
every day, I felt bad,

but now it seems like
she's really happy

and she's socialized,
so it's good.

Yeah.

But that's why they call it
the terrible twos.

- Yeah.
And you guys were at preschool.

I sent you two days a week
in the morning

when you were that age
just to get socialized.

And then I spent the rest of
the day, and I worked at night.

And...
I don't even know now.

I thought I was doing
all the right things.

I don't even know now.

This is better that
she's just there all day.

She seems really happy.

I believe in synchronicity.

I believe in the flow of energy
in the universe.

I'm speaking tonight
on addiction

and how it's affected my family
over the years.

And it's been a really hard,
long journey

because I'm the type of person

that really cares about
what people think of me.

And to do this,
I have to be, like, fearless

and speak about things that make
me not look so great, right?

Because if I'm gonna tell
the story

and put the energy out there,

I have to say, you know,
"This is what I did."

I mean, like, I probably
neglected my daughter at times,

you know, because I was going
through my own shit.

And therefore,
things got worse with her.

But if I don't speak that truth,

then other people
who feel the same way

can't feel they have a place.

- Nicole is talking about going
on a couple of months

where she would take Giovanna
with her to live.

It's called
a Mommy and Me program.

I don't personally think she's
ready to take care of Giovanna.

You know, I don't think she can
take care of herself yet.

Seventeen rehabs, I think.

It's not a made-up number.

I think that's the actual number
of times

she's been in treatment.

And I honestly
don't think Nicole

is gonna pull out of this.

- ♪ That's why, darling ♪

♪ It's incredible ♪

♪ That someone
so unforgettable ♪

♪ Thinks that I am ♪

♪ Unforgettable, too, ooh ♪

♪ I think I could understand ♪

- I've done a lot
of really fucked-up shit

in my addiction,
but I love the substance.

It completely takes over my mind
and my body.

It makes me do things
that I would never normally do.

I have robbed.

I have stolen.

I have sold my ass.

And when I become sober again

and start thinking about
those things,

in the past, what it has done
is drive me back to relapse

because I feel so guilty
and shameful.

So proud of you.

That was awesome.

- Brought tears to my eyes.

- We're gonna go pick up G.

I pick her up every day,
Monday through Friday.

I took her to Chipotle
last night,

and they thought
she was my daughter.

She's a really good-looking kid,

so I was like,
"Yeah, it is my daughter.

What's up?"

Nah, I told them...
I told them she was my niece.

But, you know, like,
people look at me like, "Dude,

this guy's taking care
of business," you know?

Put your hood up.
It's cold!

It's cold.

Hello!

- Zoom in on the crotch.
- Wait. Look, look.

You could do a filter
on his face with Snapchat.

Look.
Look at my screen.

They didn't know
he was 'bout it 'bout it.

I realized that I could
make friends in sobriety

that would like me for me.

- Of us?

- It was a pivotal moment
just to take that leap

and just be myself.

- This is a tight squeeze.
Your ass can barely fit.

I can see it.

- I think that's, like,
why Meg and I

are able to, like, stay sober.

- Are you ready, Icky Nikki?

- My God.
I'm so excited.

It feels really good.

But at the same time,
I still have those thoughts.

It's really fucking crazy.
- Do you believe in aliens?

Yeah, I believe in ali...
We are the aliens.

For me, it's almost like
an impending doom.

It's like a creepy,
almost foggy feeling

that, like, literally
can take over me.

- ...a different kind of rotating
storm spawns tornadoes.

- I love tornadoes.

- The rotating energy
gets focused

like an atmospheric laser.

- Down past here, right?

We can't even find our way
in a museum.

How are we gonna
get through life?

- But when I am in that space,

it's like something
takes over me

and I just get overwhelmed
with all of these things.

Like, "Oh, my God.
My mom's mad at me."

Like, "I got dumped. Holy shit.
Like, what's wrong with me?

I need to lose 50 pounds
by tomorrow

or else nobody's ever
gonna want me."

Like, "Oh, my God.
I'm undesirable."

I get overwhelmed
by all these feelings,

and the only thing I know

that can take that away
is to go get high.

- They say you leave off
at the age

when you first started using.

So I'm like what, 12, really?
- Right.

- Look at the trees.
They look like little trees.

- Draw Mommy a picture.

Draw Mommy a picture
with the grapes.

- In there!

- Show me.

- In there.
- That's the eyes?

Where's the smile?

Good job.

What color is this?

- Brown.
- Good job.

- I talked to Dad a little bit
after Christmas

when he got gifts,

'cause I wanted to thank him
for it,

but then kind of, like,
after that,

I feel like that kind of
just paved the way for him

to just kind of full force.

We're gonna be playing guitar
and bass together.

We're gonna be doing all that.

But he wanted to go
to the parade together.

And I mean,
like, we were planning on it.

But then he got arrested
the night before.

And I got a call from Lisa,
and she was just like,

"Your father got arrested."
Like, no, tomorrow's a no-go.

- He texted me at like 8:15
the night before the parade.

Yeah, he got arrested for
hitting somebody over the head

with a fucking cane.

- Is that what happened?
- Yeah.

- I tried to get out.
I really did.

His parents,
they would minimize.

I'd be like, "He just punched me
in the face the other day,"

and his mom would be like,

"Oh, you're always
just overdoing it."

- Yeah, I haven't seen
Nicole sob...

I haven't seen you sober like
this in a while, so...

- Yes. No. You're sober.
- Right. I am.

- You are.
- I didn't say you weren't.

- What's going on, Chris?

You're really having a hard time
being kind to her.

- No. I mean, it's not that

I have a hard time
being kind to her.

It's just little shit, you know?

Like, you came here, you left
with, like, four bags of shit.

- I can spend my money
how I want to spend my money.

When Nicole gets on pass
every other week,

I am feeding my own soul, too.

I get to spend time
with my sober daughter

and my granddaughter, and we
get to do things together.

And it's not accompanied

with her trying to get drugs
at the same time.

- People in early recovery,
which she still is in

until she has a year,
shouldn't get shit.

I'm not trying to be a dick.
It's just the way it is.

- You are being.
- Well, I mean,

I would like to see my sister
succeed when she gets older.

She overdosed like four times
last year.

- I'm trying to show her love.
- Yes, you showed her love.

There's other ways.

- I agree with Chris on this.
- Thank you, Steve.

I just think that there's been
a couple of things

in the past year or so in
Nicole's journey

to recovery that I...

- Steve, you visited yesterday.

- I'm glad Nicole's alive,
so there's that.

- I go through this process
of, like, getting sober,

and I have one friend,
who is Megan,

and she, like,
holds me accountable,

and, like, her insurance
is running out.

I just don't want her to go,

and I don't want to fucking go
anywhere else.

Again, again, again,
again, again.

It's just shitty, but I know
I have to, so it's just...

Um...

It's really nice
when you find somebody

that, like, actually,
you know...

- Right.
- ...gives a shit about you.

- He said it to me this morning.

He's like, "She's just gonna
- He saioverdose and die.

We might as well
just get it over with."

It's because he's afraid
to open up.

- Right.

- Well, maybe Christopher
is acting that way

'cause it is, like,
we're getting on that...

- Yeah.
- ...time.

- Mm-hmm.

She's gonna have to transition
to a new place, and...

usually that doesn't go well.

She'll get wherever she's going,

she'll find fault
with everything.

She leaves.
It's the same old thing.

It's... It's...
- What if it's not this time?

- I don't know what I should do.

Should I just go to the recovery
house and stay around here?

- I don't know. I don't want
to give you, like, my advice

because it's one-sided.

- I feel like there's something
different this time.

- Yeah. You always say that.
- What else am I supposed to say?

- Well, you have to give yourself
some hope, I guess.

Okay.

I really, really think...
that right now,

where she is right now,
how she is right now...

if you could just show
some affection,

it might make a difference.

- It's always been that way
and it's always been,

"Oh, she just needs
one more thing to get..."

- I'm not saying
it's the cure-all.

I'm saying it might...

Just this time, I'm feeling like
it might make a difference

if you throw her
some words of encouragement.

Something.

- I want you to stay close
to me, so...

- It's selfish, not one-sided.
- Well, yeah, it's selfish.

And I want what's best for you.

So I don't think
you should listen to me.

- Where are you going after?
- I don't fucking know.

- Don't you think you should
start thinking about that?

- She's 29 years old.

- She's not 29, and you know it.
She's like 16.

I'm just asking you
to understand

where I'm coming from.
That's all.

I'm trying to put...
- I understand that.

You know, of course,
when she's 30

and it's still
the same thing for...

It's not like, you know,
she's asking us,

"Here, watch my kid
for the weekend."

It's like a two-decade
commitment she put on everybody.

- You only have like
a month or two.

- Two if I'm lucky.

- So you're not thinking
of where you're going after?

- I am, actually.

- Where are you gonna go?
- I have no clue, Meg.

- It's not a little thing,
is my point.

You don't get to put
that responsibility on someone

and not have... have to take
some of the blame for it.

And if the blame means you
feeling bad for a little while,

you're gonna feel bad
for a little while.

- She wakes up feeling bad.
She goes to bed feeling bad.

She feels bad
when she takes a shit.

She feels bad when she breathes.

I'm telling you that.
She's living in hell.

- What point do you say
enough is enough?

- I don't know. What if she had
cancer and she kept re...

It's not... It isn't...

- People with cancer don't ruin
your daily life.

They don't go through your
wallet while you're sleeping.

They don't forge checks.

They don't get arrested becaue
they're trying to buy chemo.

You can't compare it.

- Part of the fallout
from a disease.

- She... There's a toxicity
to having her around.

- I don't ever really feel
like a good mom.

I never really did.

I feel like I'm always waiting
for a shoe to drop.

And Nicole turned to me
and she said,

"You know, Mom,
imagine how I feel.

I smoked crack in the car
with my kid.

And you have to raise my kid.

Imagine the shame
that goes into that.

So you're still doing better
than me."

- I tried kicking you all out.
You keep coming back.

♪ I'm not an addict ♪

- I mean,
I learned from my mistakes.

- I learned
from my mistakes, too.

- Which one, dude?
- All of them.

- Name one.
- What are you talking about?

- I don't think that's fair.
I think she's trying.

- Yeah.
- No, you're trying.

You're trying.

You'll get there.
- What are you talking about?

- You'll get there, though, Nic.
You'll get there.

- Okay, Chris, why don't you try
getting there a little yourself

before you pass judgment
on other people?

- I'm in there, dude.
- I don't think so, buddy.

- It's just shit
you need to hear.

You know what I mean?
Nobody else...

- Baby, I think you need
to step back

and, like, stare in the mirror
and say some of this shit.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Why are you mad now?

- What?
- Why are you mad now?

- Nothing.
Because I just...

Like I said, I'm just trying
to tell an addict

what they need to hear,
and I get shut down for it.

- Why do you think that
you know what I need to hear?

You drink and smoke pot.

Why would I want your opinion
on how to get sober?

- So, where's your knowledge
of this?

Oh, and you're locking
your daughter out

because you want a confrontation
with me.

This is shit
that I'm talking about.

If you don't want my opinion,
then you're not ready.

- Why do you hold your opinion
in such high regard?

- Because I'm one of the people

that you put through a shitload
of shit every fucking day,

and you don't even realize it,
but you don't want

my fucking opinion?
- No, I don't.

- That makes no sense to me,
Nicole.

I wake up and I fucking
help your daughter.

- You take care of her because...
- Are you serious?

- ...you're living
at Mom's house.

- Don't fucking play me
like that.

- Why are you back
at Mom's house?

- I'm here to help Mom take cae
of your daughter.

- Mom called you and said,
"Chris, I need your help.

Transfer out of West Chester"?

- No, I called Mom because Im
a fucking courteous person.

- You don't think that it has
anything to do with the fact

that you continuously tried
to kill yourself?

- No, I tried to kill myself once
because I was depressed.

Obviously.
Like, look at what goes around.

But right now,
I'm a straight-A student.

You know, I have a job.
- I'm not talking about now.

I'm talking about your transfer
from West Chester

back to Mom's house.

- I'm here because I'm
helping out with your daughter.

- No, that's not the truth.
- No, no, no.

'Cause you're gonna keep
interrupting me now.

You're stuck in a recovery house
all day.

I don't even talk to you.

- Because I am sober and you're
jealous because you're not?

- Bro, you can't be serious
right now.

- Yeah, I am serious.
- I'm gonna walk out.

- So if you fucking piss
in a cup right now,

it will be totally clean?
- Yeah, it will.

You want to go buy it?
- Go get a fucking drug test

and prove me wrong,
and then I'll stand here

and listen to this
fucking bullshit.

Everything that's coming out
of your mouth right now

is fucking ridiculous.

- Let me say one thing. Okay?
- You say one thing. Go ahead.

- If I'm getting high, how come
I can get A's, work, and coach,

but you still sit on your ass
all day?

So how come...
If I'm getting high,

how come I can still take care
of all my shit

and you can't do shit?

- Prove me wrong!
Go take a test!

- All right.
Conversation's over.

- Well, how come I can live life?

- I could live life when I was
going to Anthem

and getting high all day
and got A's all day.

- I'm the one taking care
of your daughter.

- Yo!
- You don't do shit.

- Conversation's over.
I'm tired of this.

- Get the fuck out, dude.
- Christopher, get out.

- Fucking scumbag.
Fuck out of here.

- Like, I struggle to even feel

a part of this whole unit
to begin with.

I think it's just easier
at this point

for everybody
if I just fucking go down,

because nobody's used to me
doing the right thing.

I just don't know how to be.

- I understand that.

- No, I...
- I understand that.

- I don't know how to be.

Like, I don't know how to be
around my daughter.

I don't know how to be.

- Maybe it is time for you
to start figuring that out.

What do you think...

Put your friend Megan aside,
whether you could have visitors.

What do you think you need next?

Not what other people think.

What do you need next?

- Like, I'm here.
I have all this freedom.

It doesn't make sense to go
to a place

where it's, like, I'm far away,
I don't see my daughter,

I don't have a cellphone.

I...

I can't live like that.

I don't want to feel like
I'm being punished.

G, you're running around
with poopy butt.

Come here.

Aah!

Mommy!

Aah!

So now I come back,
and I have to go pee in a cup.

- So why did I get one?
- Because they probably thought

that maybe you were
getting high, baby.

Thank you, as always.

Lovely.

I wish people would ask me
what it feels like

to not put my daughter to sleep
every night.

I can go upstairs now if I want?

Or I wish family
would embrace me.

- I'm not saying
that people aren't allowed

to feel the way
they're allowed to feel.

I'm just saying that she needs
more time clean to get there.

She's not gonna
get there right now.

- I think you had
more mental capacity

going into your recovery at 18
than she does today at 29.

- I don't know.
Jesus, can you not die?

Can you just stop
doing heroin, please?

Can you get a job
and take care of your kid?

It's all anybody asks.
That's why it's so frustrating.

Just get a job and take care
of your fucking kid.

- If it was that easy,

64,000 people in this country
wouldn't have died last year.

It's not that easy.

- They don't have what Nicole
has... the support system.

The fact that you would never
let her go out in the streets,

even though if I was her dad
or her mother...

- There are people that I know
that are better than me,

way better at this than I am,

friends that I have that I went
to their kids' funerals

this year, last year,
the year before

that I wish I was as good
a parent as they are.

It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.

- I am not perfect
in my recovery at all.

I have fucked up in every way,
shape, or form.

I just have not used.

I just have not
fucking gotten high.

I went and met up with G's dad,

and, like, you know,
we've had relations,

and I've intentionally started
drama.

I've been a shit-stirrer.

I've done...
a lot of nut-ass bullshit.

We get sober.

We don't get sane or better.

- I think you get conditioned
to be a minimizer.

And because my mom was an addict
with her eating disorder,

our house was about her.

It was about keeping
her addiction alive.

When I was younger, I was at the
beach really having a great day.

It was starting to rain.

I walked home,

and a family friend lured me in
and molested me.

I was 9.

And I was walking home
from that,

and my dad was looking for me,

and he said,
"Where have you been?"

And I told him,
"This is what happened."

He got silent,
and he looked at me,

and he said, "Your mom's having
a really hard day.

She's really weak,
and she hasn't been eating.

We're not gonna discuss that
when you get home.

We can't handle that."

That's really the message
I got over and over again

throughout my life.

That demon that ran through
my mother runs through Nicole.

- Oh, shit.
- I'm about to die.

- Fuck, dude.
Let me get my weapon!

It's literally not letting me
get my weapon.

All right.
Whatever.

I didn't have anybody
on my team.

- What's important

is that you start having
a relationship with yourself.

So when somebody leaves
or somebody moves

or whatever it is,

you're not, like, completely
100% dependent on them.

- Yeah. No.
I know.

- You know?
I mean, like, I get it.

I'm codependent too.
I get it.

But my point is that you have to
at least find

some kind of connection
with yourself,

like, where you like
hanging out with you.

- Yeah. I am getting there.
- You are?

You can do this transition.
You can't live...

You can't live in Womanspace
forever.

You have to make the transition,
remember?

- I know. I just feel like I
don't have a purpose right now.

- You do.
You have a big purpose.

It's cold outside.

- Got your doughnut.

- Yay.
- Right?

- Delicious.
- So delicious.

Want to go to the zoo
and see all the animals?

With Mommy.

Want to go with Mommy?
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

We're at the zoo.

We're at the zoo!

- You got both of us.

- Look, G. Over there!
- I think those are zebras.

Go, go, go.

And then you can go like this.
Big, big step.

- You coming?
- You coming?

You're gonna stay here
with the monkeys?

- You want to go see the cats?
- Come on.

Oh, man.

Mommy's a second-class citizen.

- When Nicole comes around,
she tries to show up

as if she's taking care of G
all the time.

And that's difficult.

- You want to wear my sunglasses?

Cool, dude.

What's wrong? What's wrong?

What's wrong?
Oh, your knee hurts?

- It's very hard for me to watch
her be parented all the way,

especially when I'm there.

- I don't think she should go
up there that high.

- Mom, she's fine.

- Do you mind climbing up there?

It's making me nervous.

- Mom, she's fine.
Let her go.

There's other kids in there
her size.

- I know, but if any of them...

- So what?
She'll get over it.

She's fine.
It's good for her.

I don't want to go an hour away
because I want to be able

to see my child
as much as I see her now.

That's it. I want to be able
to get to my mom's studio...

- And your...
All your support's here.

- Yeah, all my supports are here.
I don't want...

- Your meetings.
It's very unsettling.

- Yeah, it is unsettling.

There's a lot
of fucking bullshit

that's going on
that's unsettling.

- Yeah.
- You know, I'm over here

working my ass off
to stay sober,

to, like, do the right thing.

I'll have seven months in May.

And my entire family decides
that they're going to Las Vegas

on my daughter's third birthday
for this fucking wedding.

I've been asking my mom
for weeks.

"You promise you're not going
to this fucking wedding?"

- Sometimes these consequences,
they just keep coming.

And it's, like, in some ways,
a test to say,

"You know, are you rea...
Do you really want this?

Like, how committed are you?"

- I want my daughter to stay here
so I can sing "Happy Birthday"

to her for the first time
on her birthday.

I've earned that.

- So it's about G.

It's about being robbed

of your time with her
on her birthday.

- On her birthday.

Meanwhile,
there goes Christopher

on the plane with my daughter.

You know what I mean?
- So I think...

- So he can go play daddy
with my child in Vegas.

- But he's not playing...
- But he does, though.

- I'm worried about all these
transitionings happening

right with G's birthday.

Like, all of it happening
at the same time is a lot...

almost too much.

- Dude, it already is too much.

- It's really important
not to fixate on these dates.

It can just be another day
that you celebrate them.

- For you,
that's easy for you to say.

- It's easy for me to say,
really?

You want to know how many
birthdays I had to put down

because of all this shit?

Don't say that to me.

I know exactly
what I'm talking about.

Easy for me to say.

No, it's not.
I get it.

But I also understand.
- No, I don't think so.

- Okay.

- No.
I'm sorry.

I just think that you know
what it feels like,

like that, like...

- I do. I know...
I know what pain feels like.

- No, you don't. Like,
I'm sitting here by myself

while my whole family...
- You know what, Nicole?

You know what? You know what?
I'm done.

This is what I'm gonna do.
I didn't get the tickets yet.

I'm not going 'cause
I can't listen to it anymore.

I'm just not gonna go.
This way, you can be happy,

and I'll do something else
another time.

I'm not doing this anymore.

I can't listen to this
for two more months

and make it be my fault that
things aren't going your way.

I just can't do it anymore.

Can't do it anymore.

When I was raising you kids,
you know the mayhem we lived in.

I didn't get an opportunity
to grow as a mother

the way normal mothers
get to grow.

I went to school
for early childhood education

just to learn
how to do it right,

'cause I was so set
on being a good mom.

And, Chris,
I was a lot like you.

I was very argumentative
in school.

I fought with everybody.
I knew everything.

I'm just doing what the book
says, right, with Nicole.

I'm like, "Nicole,
this is blah, blah, blah."

And she's responding to me
the way the book said

she was going to,
and I'm feeling pretty proud

'cause I'm in my early 20s.

And your dad busts in
high on cocaine,

freaks out, throws...
throws the door open,

screams at her,
throws her against the wall.

And then... And then I can't...

Like, then everything changes,
right?

And that's how motherhood went
for me.

So now I'm at this point,
trying to fix it all.

- I think you need
to give yourself

a little more credit, Mom.
- I don't know about you guys,

but I think I am pretty mindful
about enabling you guys.

Would you say that
or would you think that...

- I would definitely
most certainly say that.

- I work at that, right?
That's every day.

Because it's... I want to slip
back into enabling.

Like, I would much rather hand
you all $100 right now

and see a big smile on your face

and that makes me feel good
and I get to walk out the door.

That's my fallback.
Do you know what I mean?

What I do every day
is a lot harder.

And, um, like, with you...

If I fall back, I don't die.

- Yeah. But I also think that
there's a difference between,

like, enabling an addict

and just, like,
being a human being, too.

- Absolutely.
That's the challenge.

- I know.
- That's the challenge.

- That's the hard part
is finding that line.

- I don't think six months
is long enough

to be in that type of facility.

I think you need a year,
and I'm scared.

- I see how I'm progressing,
I see how good I'm doing,

and now it's...
it's kind of shitty.

Then you have to, like, start
from ground zero.

Like, I have to, like,
let go of my therapist.

I have to let go of my sponsor.
I have to...

- Well, you don't.
You don't know that.

You don't know any of that.
- I have a week and a half left.

- Sometimes I feel like I've done
some pretty cool things

in my life
that have gone unnoticed

because the littlest thing in
their life at the dinner table

was more important than
the biggest thing in my life.

- I'm working my ass off
to stay sober.

My entire family's going
out to Las Vegas

on my daughter's third birthday,
and I'm gonna be here by myself.

- I'll be here by myself, too.
- I'm pissed.

- It's 3! Giovanna's gonna have
more important birthdays.

Let's throw her a fucking
quinceñera in 10 years.

- If you're sober from here on
out, this is gonna be, like,

probably the last shitty thing

that you have to deal with
from your past.

- I really am sad.
- It is.

- I'm resentful as hell.

- And I'm not taking that
from you.

And I explained to you
when I decided to go

that this is something
I have to do anyway.

- I understand.

- You're just
not used to me knowing...

- It's not about you.
It's not about you.

It really isn't about you.
I understand why you have to.

- I'm not saying it's about me.

I'm saying you're not used to me
knowing it's shitty for you

and still doing it.

- Why don't we just
keep G here then?

There's no reason
for a 3-year-old

to be in Las Vegas.

I hold my daughter
at a different standard.

Uh, is that funny

that I hold my daughter
at a different standard?

- It is a little bit,
but I'm just gonna...

- Is it? That I gave my daughter
to you? That's funny?

- Me, Bryan, and Chris don't
even have our own kids,

so we can't even relate anyway.

- We're on camera.

- This is why I don't like
everybody being together.

This is a week of fallout
I've got to deal with now.

- Yeah, because she
just doesn't...

She doesn't know how
to be human.

- We're not talking
about anyone else,

and we're wrapping it up.
We're done now.

- It's very condescending
to go in the other room

and talk about me.

Like, we were just having
a conversation.

You got up,

and now you're talking about e
in the other room.

Like, it's very...
Like, I'm sitting right here.

And then to say I don't care
'cause I'm speaking

how I feel about it,
which you already knew how...

- We already heard about how
you feel about it, Nicole,

nine fucking million times.

- We both feel different ways
about it.

- It would be nice once
for you to ask me

really why it means
so much to me, Nicole.

- I know why it feels so much.
- Really? You do?

- I know why.

- Oh, I'd love to hear
your insight on it.

- 'Cause you feel like
you need to go out to Las Vegas

and be with your family.
You explained it to me.

That doesn't mean
I have to be okay with it.

I'm not gonna pretend
like I'm okay with it.

- Shut the fuck up.
Remember when...

- Okay.
- No, no.

I want you to listen to me,

and I want you to listen to me
good, and I'm not kidding.

- I'm not gonna deal with that.
- Listen to me.

- Not gonna deal with that.
- No, you fucking listen to me.

You want to look at that
little kid there...

- He's not a little kid.
- He was.

He was the day that I remember
that he had to hold the casket

while you two fucking walked in
high as a kite

and raised a stink
'cause you thought

it would be fun to walk in
on my mother's funeral...

- What is this right now?
- That's what this is.

This is what this is all about.

- She died years ago.
- I didn't do shit.

- I never...
- He didn't do anything.

And I was asked to explain
how I felt.

You're having a whole freak-out
right now.

- You want to know why?
My mother and my grandmother

died within four days
of each other.

My daughter and my son
are out using heroin,

and I'm afraid they're
gonna die every few days.

This one is here.
He's devastated.

And you guys are just thinking
it's a joke.

It was hard.

And so I didn't say goodbye
to my mom.

This whole time
that I've been home...

I haven't been back to Vegas
since...

I have been pretending
like she's alive.

I listen to her...
her messages on my phone,

and I pretend she's alive.

- That's nuts.
- I know.

But I haven't been able
to say...

Don't laugh. It's not...
- I'm not laughing.

- You know, Nicole,
I don't think you'll understand

until you don't have a mother.

I know that she was sick,

and I know that there was a lt
with her wrong.

But I did talk to her...
You're gonna laugh at me?

- I'm not laughing at you.

I just don't know how I'm
supposed to feel right now.

I don't know how to feel
right now.

- Well...
- Like, I feel like

I'm supposed to be guilt-tripped
into feeling bad...

- No, Nicole.
Make no mistake.

- That's how I feel.
- Make no mistake.

I know that I can't
guilt-trip you into anything.

I learned that a long time ago,
dear. I know I can't.

- Then why are you
acting like this?

- Because I'm pissed
that you sat here...

- Big explosion in my face.
- Because you know why?

- Like, when all I did was...

- Can't you just have a little
compassion at once towards me?

- I do have compassion
towards you.

I always have compassion
toward you.

- No. Nicole, I heard your story
a million times

about why you're pissed
that I'm going to Vegas.

I've heard it a million times.
I really have.

I'm asking you to hear me.

- My first drug of choice
is, like, just getting away

from my existence,
which was my home.

This is normally
my relapse time.

I mean, I never get this far.

I am very emotional.

I'm very vulnerable.

I'm really scared.

'Cause normally by this point,
I've already fucked up

and I've already, like, relapsed

and I'm already back
in the cycle

and I'm probably already, like,

going back
to my insurance company,

going back to rehab,
starting from ground zero.

My only option at this point
is to move into Myra's,

which is a recovery house

about an hour and 20 minutes
on public transportation.

It's hard to go other places.

I think, like, "Is it gonna be
the place that I fuck up?

Is it gonna be
the place that I die?"

- Hello?
- Hey, Stephen.

- Hey, what's up, Mom?
- How you doing?

- I'm doing good.
Are you okay?

- Michelle from Womanspace
passed away

from an overdose today.

- Michelle?
- Yeah.

- What the fuck?
That sucks.

- I know.

- Damn.

- Her mom found her hunched over
the toilet just today.

Did you talk to Megan?
- Mm-hmm.

- All right.
You have the address?

- Mm-hmm.

- How you doing, Nicole?

- I just found out like
less than an hour ago, so...

...not good.

I'm just kind of, like,
in shock.

Every time I get a friend,
they die, so...

I think we should go...

- All right.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

- I'm sorry, Nicole.

- No. Just looking back at the
events, you know what I mean?

Like, when she was packing her
shit for the second time

and going down in the office
and being like,

"Uh, is anybody gonna
do anything about this?"

And it's like, "Ugh!"

- Mm, I know.

All right.
- All right. Bye.

- Love you. Bye.
- Love you, too. Bye.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

I'm sorry.

- I already told her
that I'm with her.

I already told her
that we're coming.

- All right, then.

The mom's just there?
Like, nobody else is there?

- No.

- All right. I'll wait here.
- All right.

- You know, at some point,

I don't want to be
driving around in a car

and going to rehabs.

And, like, there's this part
of you that's like, "Okay."

You hear people say, "Well,
at least they're at peace."

But that's crap, and I know it.

Like, that's what you tell
yourself to feel better.

I would still rather be out here

in this car waiting for her
in there

than be the one that gets
visited by her friends.

I don't want that visit.

She could make me feel bad

about going to Vegas
and doing all that.

I usually back off and say,
"I'm not gonna go,"

but it's so much easier
for me to do that.

But I...
But to go is showing her, like,

me pushing through my barriers
and showing her how to live.

- I'm really feeling like

I missed something with Stephen
this week.

And that tends to happen
with him

because he's always, like,
you know, good.

And I feel like
I didn't do my job.

And he always kind of slips
through the cracks.

And now I have to go get G.
She has to be picked up.

Her school closes
in less than 15 minutes.

I think Nicole's mad at me

because I didn't want
to get her tokens

because I feel like
she could sell them.

And even though she says to me

it's insulting
that I would even think that

because she had seven months,
I wasn't doing it to insult her.

And again, it's, like...
It seems like a simple thing,

but everything has to be
thought about.

I can't just be careless.

Tell me what happened today.

- I close this, okay?
- Okay.

- Make sure.

- All right.
We'll go get our nails done.

Okay?

- This is fun.
- I'm glad you like it.

- Can I close my eyes?
- Sure. Go like this.

Ahh.
It feels so good.

We're going to Las Vegas
tomorrow morning

for my nephew's wedding.

So it's the first time G's
on a plane, right, G?

We're gonna go on a plane
in the morning?

Yeah?

High five.

Giovanna,
it's time to call Mommy

and pack some of your clothes.

- She needs a hug.

- Can I hug her?

- Just let me hug her.

- I could use a hug.

Can I get a hug from you?

Mm!
Can I have a hug from G?

You got to give Daisy medicine?
Is Daisy sick?

- Yeah. She got to get needles
to her neck.

- Okay.

She doesn't have to get needles
to her neck, G.

Just needles...
You get needles in your arm.

- Needles in your arm, Daisy.

- Yeah.

The end.

Just in time, Mommy.

- Hi!

- G, show Mommy your nails.

What?

What?!

- Cookie Monster...

- Show her your toenails.

- No... way.

- Yes.

Don't say no.

- Who did your nails?

- Um... peoples.

Peoples at the salon.

- You went to the salon
without me?

- I know, Nic. It wasn't...
I want to go with you.

When we come back, we'll do it.

Show Mommy how we almost match.

- On my leg.

- Oh, my God!
You're such a big girl!

- Thanks, Nic.
I feel big.

Come here.

She did have a lot of fun.
She was so good.

All right. Well, say good night
to her, then.

'Cause I really want her
to go to sleep.

- G, you have to go to sleep.

You're going to Las Vegas
tomorrow!

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- ♪ Cha, cha, cha ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- ♪ How long have we been here? ♪

♪ Am I ever coming down? ♪

♪ I need to find
some lower thinking ♪

♪ If I'm gonna stick around ♪

♪ I'm not going anywhere ♪

♪ Who do I think I'm kidding? ♪

♪ I'm still standing
in the same place ♪

♪ Where you left me standing ♪

♪ I am easy ♪

♪ To find ♪

- ♪ Towers to the skies ♪

- ♪ There's a million
little battles ♪

♪ That I'm never gonna win
anyway ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I'm still waiting for you
every night ♪

♪ with ticker tape,
ticker tape ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

- I came into Nicole's life
very late.

She was 18 when I married Linda.

In the past month,
I can see a change in Nicole.

Normally, by this point
in her recovery,

she's criticizing
wherever she lives.

She's blaming everything
on the people that work there.

She was basically setting
the stage

of why she's about to fail.

And I don't see her doing that
this time.

A few weeks ago, she was here,

and some girls from her house
went out and overdosed.

And she did not want to go back
to the house that night.

Before, she would have got back
there as soon as she could

because there might be
drugs there.

And that, for me, was a turning
point in how I'm seeing her now.

I say at least this time
there's a chance.

- Hello.
- Hey. What's up?

- What's up?

- There's a series called
"The Terror."

- Okay.
- It's good. You would like it.

- Mom told me about it,

and I didn't want to watch it
'cause Mom said it was good.

And I think Mom's shows suck
a lot of the times, but...

Oh, look at you, Lin.

- Hey!
- Hey!

I'm on the phone, G.

I mean Nic.
- Yeah, I'm Nic.

- I get confused.

- I can see that.

Look at your daughter.

- She doesn't want to come in.

- She's on an airplane
in the water.

Hi, G.

- Pop-Pop's doing
the mini puzzle.

- Hi, Pop-Pop.

Me and Bryan are going to eat.

- Oh, at Mama Barbara's?
- Yeah.

- Well, have fun.
I love you.

- I love you, too.
You'll call me later with G?

- I will.
She's having a good time.

She was like...
Earlier, it was like,

all the kids were out here,
and she decided she was a cat.

So then she decides she's a cat,

she meows
for 20 straight minutes,

and I want to, like, literally,
shoot my brains out.

But now she's back to being G,
so we're okay.

Okay. Good.

- She'll just literally meow
for 20 minutes.

- Yeah, I know.
I've seen it firsthand.

It's wack.
- All right. Have a good time.

- All right. I love you.

- Love you, too. Bye.
- Bye.

Something tells me
we didn't miss anything, Bryan.

- I'm glad I didn't go.

- Something tells me
that we picked the long straws

in the situation.

- That's a good way to put it.

Yeah, your mom definitely drew
the short straw.

- She definitely did.

Finding my place in my family is
gonna be an ongoing process.

It's not gonna be something
that just like,

"Oh, I'm here, like, you know,
I have such and such time now.

You just trust me and expect
that it's never gonna be

real shitty again, you know?"

I think that it's gonna be
a forever thing

because I've done a lot
of damage.

- It was good to spend time
with my dad in Vegas,

but being at the house

was incredibly difficult
without my mom.

I think she loved us
underneath all the hell.

My mother was really sick,

so it caused the children
to... to fight for attention.

As much as my ex-husband
suffered,

I don't think that my kids
would be the amazing people

they would be without him.

Thank you.
- I got you a card.

- You got me a card?
- Mm-hmm.

- It says, "Happy Mother's Day.
You're a mom."

- See what I did there?
Trickery.

See, first,
you're a wonderful wife,

and then it says
"You're an amazing mother."

But I switched it.
So it says...

- Ahh.

- See?
- Yeah.

- Look at me.
I'm thoughtful.

- You are.
It has jewels.

- So you know
it's worth something.

Take it to a pawn shop later.

- I will. There's one up
in Levittown.

Has Dan's brother's
bow and arrow...

and Nicole's engagement ring
five times.

Oh, we get to go away...
- Yep.

- ...and do something?
- Mm-hmm.

- Where are we going?
I can't read it.

- Hyatt Regency
on the Chesapeake.

- Oh, that...
Oh, that's great.

This is awesome.

I love you.

- Finding empowerment
in the pain.

That's kind of what I learned
this time around.

Seven months ago,
I was completely broken,

homeless, helpless,
I had nothing.

And if this is where
only seven months will get me,

I can't even imagine

where another seven months
will take me.

- G, are you excited?
You're gonna see Mommy.

You gonna sleep over?

Want to give them to Mommy?

I got you Tide for your clothes.

- Thank you.
Can you just... Here.

Because I have to bring
all that stuff upstairs.

If it doesn't go in the fridge,
my cabinet is upstairs.

- Okay, so this is not fridge.

I know it's overwhelming.

We just wanted
to bring you stuff. I'm sorry.

- No, I appreciate it, Mom.
Thank you.

- It's not that much.

- Hmm?
- It's not that much.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, I am.

- Well, next time, you won't have
to bring all this stuff,

like bringing her clothes
and her pillow.

- Can I have a kiss?
- Ooh.

- Love you.
- Love you, too.

- Giovanna, can Mimi have a kiss?
I'm gonna go now.

Can I have a kiss?

- No, I want to stay with Mommy.

- I know. Can I have a kiss?

- Give Mimi kiss.
- Mimi's gonna go bye-byes.

- I not go bye-byes.

- You are not going bye-byes.

You're staying here with Mommy

in her new house
with your new friends.

And Mimi and Papa Bryan
are gonna go bye-bye.

- Okay.
- Can I have a kiss?

I love you.

- The last time I spent a night
alone with my daughter

was the night of my really,
really bad overdose.

I was taken away in an ambulance
and my daughter saw me

on the floor getting six
Narcan shots.

It says "Giovanna."

- You do it this time.

Okay. Ready? Mommy's turn.

Ugh!

- I right back, okay, Mommy?

- Where are you going?
No, you have to stay with Mommy.

It's not like Womanspace.
You have to stay with me.

Hey!

Right there. Pick it up.

Let me see it.

Unh-unh-unh, we're sharing.
We're sharing.

It's Aiden's turn.

When I get the time
with my child,

it's always structured.

On Sunday,
when I get to see her,

we have, like, a plan,
but I get to be Mom today.

I get to just be authentic
in how I mother.

Ahh.

I love you.

You cozy?

I love you.

"When I feel small
in a world so big..."

"... I tell my wiggling body
to be still."

Time to go down
that slide, sister.

Giovanna!

You punked me again.

I didn't get any sleep
last night

just 'cause I just couldn't
stop staring at her.

I was, like, overwhelmed.
I was...

I just wanted to take in
as much as I could.

And I kept wanting to, like,
put my arm around her.

Ooh.

- Whee.
- This is

- You getting dizzy?

Other way?

Ooh.

It was really,
really, really good,

like, to wake up
with my daughter.

I mean, I still feel like it's,
like, a controlled environment.

I don't feel like it's just her
and I, but, I mean, it's...

I'm grateful for it.

It's just me transitioning
into being a mother.

Go ahead.

Oh! Look what you did.

Did you have fun sleeping
at Mommy's last night?

Yeah?

You don't have to put your
whole mouth around it, you know?

Yeah. Drink it like that, G.

There you go.
That's better.

- Nicole. She left the comfort
of her recovery house

to live on her own.

- Welcome to the room edition
of "Cribs."

This is the new...
the new spot.

I got my bed with my beautiful
bedding.

The Keurig.
I have a Keurig now.

What?!

All banged out on caffeine.

In December, I kind of felt like
my world was really small,

like it was Womanspace

I just had to wake up every day

and stay sober... hopefully.

Now it's different.

Like, now I have a lot
more people relying on me.

It is haunted in here.

I did see an apparition
in here last night.

No bullshit.
I was scared out of my mind.

And because I do have OCD,

everything is color-coordinated.

- And she got a full-time job,

and she's going to school
to become a recovery specialist.

So that's a lot of things
all at once.

- Makeup, crochet/beads,
and my dirty clothes.

And then some stuff for G
just in case.

My daughter...

the more time I spend with he,
the more time she's realizing,

like Mommy's reliable.

The day sober I am.

And then just, like, bullshit
that I think is,

like, fitting for the day.

And then my babies.

- What up?

You want to go shoot some hoops
in a little bit?

- Yo, I was literally
just gonna ask you.

- All right. Good shit.
Let's do it.

- All right.
Good shit.

- There you go.

Last game.

We're all nuts.
- Yeah, true.

- But if you put our family
next to, like,

the average American family,

they're like,
"Dude, what the fuck?

Why did these people breed?"

You know it's true, too.

- I never knew her clean,
in all honesty.

Ever since I was, like,
a little kid.

I think I'm starting to realize
that, like,

she's going through
hard shit right now

as she's sober.

So I think that that's gonna
help her stay sober

after the fact.
- Yeah.

- I think you're gonna be
good in massage school.

- Yeah. So do I.
- Mm-hmm.

- I mean, dude, my hands
are big as shit.

- Hmm. Yo!
- It's gonna help.

- Hello.
- Hey, I just dropped her off.

- Do we have to do this, like,
right now?

It's so hot out.

- I don't know when else
we'd be able to do it.

- I have something I need to do,

not ride around on a bus
and a train this morning.

- I know. I asked you that
before I canceled my day,

though, and you said okay.
- No, you didn't! At all.

You just called me and told me
that you canceled your day.

- Are you gonna be difficult
with me all day, Nicole?

Because I'm not gonna
fucking deal with it.

I really am not.

You either are gonna do the
things that we're doing or not.

I'll go do something else then.
I don't need to pick you up.

- Like, I also have a huge boot
on my foot.

You know what I mean?
Give me a break.

- Okay, I will.
I'll go do my day then.

I'll just turn around.
I'll go do my day.

'Cause I don't need
your 12-year-old attitude.

I don't.
I don't need it.

- Morning.
- Good morning.

Yeah, I know. It's bright.
It's hot.

It's... We're in a heat wave.

We're all experiencing it.
Not just you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I wanted to do a dry run
with her for the job

because I didn't want Monday
to come

and then her to be stressed out.

I want her to show up happy.

And I also don't want her
calling me

in the middle of my day
tomorrow in a panic.

We went to the stop.

There was no place to park.

You want to?

- No, I don't want to lean
on your hand.

What the hell does that say?

- It says, "Please board at the
other side of track 9 to 3."

We went to another stop
that was near there.

There was construction going on.

It's down here.

- Sweet.

I don't have a lighter
or matches

or anything like that
in my purse, like, I'm...

- Do you have a lighter?

- You're rail workers.
How do you not have a cigarette?

- I have an anxiety...
- No, I'm good.

- Smell it.

- I need a goddamn cigarette
so bad.

- Just smell it.
- No, I don't want to smell that.

I need a cigarette.

- And then the train did come,

but the guy driving it gave us
the wrong information.

That actually would have been
the train

that we would have taken.
- I don't know

what's happening right no.
- That's why we're doing this,

because I don't want you
Monday morning

to not know what
the hell's going on.

- I don't need you to, though.

Like, can we get the fuck
out of here?

- Was that not the one?
- I don't know.

That's what he said.
- What the fuck?

- If I was doing this by myself,

it wouldn't be
this fucking difficult.

I ride public every day.
- You want to leave? Let's go.

- You're so fucking ungrateful.

I'm trying my best to help yo.
- Oh, with the ungrateful.

I know. I'm so ungrateful...
- You're a bitch.

- 'cause I'm sitting in a fucking
heat wave with a broken foot.

You're right. I'm a bitch.
- No, it's not that.

It has nothing to do with that.

- Like, walking around like
an asshole on a broken foot.

- Okay, you're right.
I suck as a mother.

- What are you talking about?
- Just leave me alone.

- What are you talking about?
Can you not see

how this situation is
absolutely insane?

- I'm doing my best.
My best isn't good enough.

I'm so tired of this.

I should be living my life!

- My mom, she's conditioned
to think that

she always has to fix stuff.

The idea for her of me

just, like, doing stuff
by myself is so crazy.

Like, she doesn't know
how to handle it.

- I feel like she can't see
a lot of times

the energy that goes
into helping her.

And then other times, I think
she gets frustrated with me

because maybe she doesn't need

as much help
as I think she needs.

All right.
- I got stuff in the truck.

- It's crazy how
the simplest things

seem so complicated to me.

- Everybody has their own shit
they can figure out.

Nicole...
I had zero confidence

that she would still be doing
this well over a year later.

- That's nice.
- I put another one down.

About a month or two ago.

I saw the phone ring
and it's Nicole.

I'm like, "Oh, God.
What is it now?"

And she asked me some question
about electric bill.

I hung up the phone.
I said, "Linda.

That was the first time
I got a normal phone call

from Nicole
about a normal thing."

- It's like getting to that point
where it's like

where the rubber meets the road.

It's scary figuring out
how we're gonna, like,

manage our lives
and what we're gonna do

and getting my own place

after a year
living in recovery houses,

getting a job
that I'm held accountable for,

taking the train to get there.

Where there's a will,
there's a way.

- I'm not getting Nicole
a tattoo.

The other reason is because she
has a lot of things she needs.

She needs a winter coat.
- Right.

- And we still have to get
Stephen his earphones.

Never have I been in a spot

where I can say all three
of the kids are in a space

that's good.

I mean, they have their issues.

There's challenges,
but they're challenges

that aren't
what they were a year ago.

Every day Nicole
might not be here anymore.

Christopher
was really struggling.

Why are you better
at this thing?

- All you have to do
is shake them.

And then they undo themselves.

- Oh, that's too hot, too.

He's like...

- We met at massage
therapy school.

She's in the class under me.

You, like, awkwardly gave me
your phone.

- Yeah, 'cause he wouldn't ask
for my number,

and I was, like, waiting,

and I kept, like,
giving him signs.

- I'm not good at the sign stuff.
- No.

I should have held a sign
that said, "Ask me out, please."

Although he's been
through so much,

he's still one of the most
caring people that I know.

And, like, his heart is so big
and he just cares about

his family and like...
- Thanks.

- ...his friends.
Yeah.

- I am fighting everything
that I come from.

I want to be happy and positive
in my life,

and I'm still getting there,
obviously.

From who I was
three years ago to now,

people can't even believe
how much progress

I actually have made.

All right. Good stuff, man.

I don't think the Sixers
are on tonight,

so maybe we'll run some
"Fortnite" later or something?

- Yeah.
- All right. Later, bro.

All right, bro.
- Take care.

- I really thought that the cycle
was gonna repeat itself.

Nicole was gonna relapse

and everything was gonna
collapse again.

Wow.

I've never felt a connection
to my family like this.

I'm so happy
and grateful about that.

- Now you can incorporate

Christmas lights
into your yoga class.

- I'm letting it go.

- About how untangling
Christmas lights

is a metaphor
for something in life.

- You know it's coming.

- I think we're getting to
a point where, all of a sudden,

everything's
gonna be free for us.

You know, all the kids
are gonna be on their own.

Giovanna is gonna be
with Nicole.

I think it's gonna
come together all at once

or in a very short time span.

And we're gonna be like,
"What the hell just happened?"

- I just found this
at the bottom of my basket.

It was probably there
from when I was packing.

A picture of G.

My poo-poos.

I just, every day,
make a decision

that I'm not gonna drink or use.

I'm trying to make a way
so that girls can see

that other girls
who are as low as them,

you can get there, too.

If I stay as grounded
as humanly possible,

hopefully people can feel
comfortable with me.

Never give up.

I was a lost cause.

And the greatest people,

the strongest people
rise out of nothing.

- Yeah. There's no way
they make the playoffs.

- You don't know that.
Mathematically, it can happen.

- Hell, though,
they've been losing every game.

They're trash.
- It doesn't matter any of that

because crazy things happen
all the time.

- Mom.
- Look at your sister.

She's sitting here...
- What the fuck?

- ...a wonderful member
of society.

Going to work every day...
- Some might say.

- ...helping people.

- I am, dude.
What are you talking about?

- Collecting a paycheck
and paying her rent.

Giovanna, are you hungry?

- No.
- No?

- Last night, Nicole's bag
was on the ground.

I said, "Nicole, is this yours?"
- Bag of pills.

- Bag of pills that had
Advil and B12.

- It wasn't anything
I had to flush.

- I said, "Wow, Nicole.

You really downgraded
in the past two years."

- I was on the phone with you.

I was like, "Oh,
Bryan found my Xanies."

- I said, "Two years ago,
you wouldn't have

held on to them long enough
to keep them in a bag."

- Are we setting up the tree now?
- Yeah.

- All right.
Cool.

- Oh, look, Lin.
What are you?

A hummingbird.

- Sometimes I feel guilty
for things being this good

because other families
are still struggling so much.

For so long, we've been on
overdrive, like, on survival,

on, "Hey, let's get through
this holiday

without there being an overdose.

Let's get through this holiday

without somebody trying
to commit suicide."

We just have to keep showing up
and doing the next right thing.

It was a long road.

And it continues to be
a long road.

With Giovanna, we have a shot

of freeing her
of generational addiction.

- ♪ The circled path ♪

♪ Have we arrived? ♪

♪ Is it our time ♪

♪ To feel alive? ♪

♪ Will shadows fade? ♪

♪ Is dawn in sight? ♪

♪ Can't find the road ♪

♪ Though we see the light ♪

♪ And we're gonna run,
run, run ♪

This story highlights
one of the most pervasive issues

in our country...
substance abuse...

and the ripple effects
it can have on families

over generations.

Here with me to dig
into the themes of the film

are "Euphoria" actress
and comedian Nika King...

Hi. Thank you
for having me.

...along with comedian
and writer Moshe Kasher.

Thank you so much.
I'm glad to be here.

Thanks for joining me.

What were your feelings
upon watching the film?

I was automatically
feeling for Nicole,

and I was rooting for her,
even though, you know,

she had some moments
and kind of questionable.

But I knew that the drugs
was definitely a factor

in just her overall perspective.

And so, at the end of the movie,

I was happy to see,
you know, her... her win.

Yeah, I felt like

these sorts of stories
are so familiar,

both personally
and just in society,

that I was expecting
a tragic ending

the whole time.
Mm-hmm.

I felt like bracing myself

for something horrifying
to happen,

and I was, like, gratified
at the end.

Moshe, you wrote
about your experiences,

and in your book,

you detailed
your struggles with addiction.

Would you be so kind
as to tell us

about... about
what you went through?

I was a teenage
drug addict and derelict

and, you know, a general
feral wild child.

And I went to rehab three times
by the time I turned 16.

And, like, in some ways,
my story is, like,

really intense
and really hard-core.

But the more common story
in addiction

is what Nicole went through,

which is, you know,
a multi-decade struggle.

So, in some ways, like,
I related to it a lot.

In some ways,
I was really reminded

of how lucky I am.

Yes, so fortunate.

And... And we're... And we're
glad to have you.

Nika, I wanted to ask you,
you know,

did you draw
from anything personal,

you know, in your role
in "Euphoria"

as a teen addict's mom?

My experience as a young person
was instability,

domestic violence,
you know, constantly moving.

It definitely helped me
create this character,

because I was able to use
some of those same feelings

of hopelessness, you know,
abandonment, just chaos.

I kind of went through it,
but it was just in reverse.

At the beginning of the film,
it feels as though

the addiction is
so in the forefront

that it takes up
so much real estate

that you're not even...
you don't even know

what the...
what the brother does.

Is that how it felt sometimes
in your household, Moshe?

100%.

I would say that,
like, this idea

that you are the only topic.

I was the guy that had caused

all of the problems
in the family.

I was the center of everything,

and everything
was pointed at me.

And then, when you get sober...

and I'm sure this is about to
happen to Nicole's family...

once you get sober,

then everybody has to
interrogate their own part

in... in what
the dysfunction was,

that it was like,
"It wasn't all me."

People make wrong decis...
bad decisions,

and therefore, you know,
get hooked on drugs.

Nobody grows up to say,
"I want to be hooked on drugs

for a living."
No.

That is so true.
It's, like,

I think about that a lot,
like, everybody

does drugs basically
for the same reason, right?

There's psychological
underpinnings under it.

You're trying to fill a hole
that was left by, you know,

gaps in your family or
self-esteem or whatever.

You pay attention to this
day-to-day "How do I feel?"

And what you're not
paying attention to

is this downward spiral.

Such a good point, Moshe,
into what you're saying.

In the film,
they said that, you know,

being sober is one thing,
and that, you know,

once you're sober,
it's almost as if, you know,

the tide goes out
and you see the rocks.

There's a lot of
debate and study

over whether addiction
is a hereditary disorder,

if it's mostly a result
of someone's environment...

right?
or the widely accepted view

that it's kind of
like a mix of both.

But what do you think causes
or contributes to addiction

being a "family disease"?

Both of those things,
definitely...

you know, environment,
genetics, socioeconomic class.

I grew up, you know,
in Liberty City,

which is, you know,
the hood in Miami,

and it was very drug-infested.

And I think any person
from a family of addicts

will probably have that
in the forefront of their minds

to be conscious of it.

And they're either
gonna go with it

or they're gonna go against it.

This thing really is
systemic, and family.

Parents are so filled
with the same disease

that they think their children
are bringing to their house.

It's such a family disease.

The film also touches on
socioeconomics and class

as they relate to addiction.

Now, I believe there was...
there's a part

where the brother even talks
to his sister, Nicole,

and says that like,
"Listen, you know,

you've got
all these opportunities

and you've got
this kind of safety net

that other people
that are dealing with addiction

don't have to deal with."

What did you make of
that moment in the film?

Poor people are treated worse,

especially in marginalized
and underserved communities.

They're stigmatized.

But, at the same time,
I think, you know,

the roosters
have come home to crow,

because now we see,
you know, white suburbia,

you know, really being affected

by fentanyl overdoses
and opioid overdoses.

And so we see that drugs,
it doesn't matter

whether you're Black or White,
rich or poor.

Like, it affects
every person the same.

But, unfortunately, it's
the person who is the addict,

if they're Black,
they're going to be victimized

and they're going to be
criminalized.

That's just the reality of it.

If you're a rich kid,
you can go to 10 rehabs,

and your family
can put you from place to place.

Is that a fun way to live?
No.

You're still a drug addict.
But if you're poor,

if your community
doesn't have infrastructure

for... for... preventative care
and stuff like that,

then there's... there's
maybe one place to go.

It's an American story.

It's really an American thing.

It's as American as apple pie.

Let me ask this.
For those who want to be helpful

to addicts who are struggling,
who are in their lives,

what... what can they do
to... to support them?

They have to want
to help themselves.

And if you have a drug addict

or an alcoholic
in your... in your life,

truly the best thing you can do
is to work on yourself,

to get your own self healthy,

to be able to set
actual appropriate boundaries.

As they say,
protecting your own energy.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

I 100% agree, Moshe.
That's 100% correct.

As an addict, you have to
make up in your mind

that "I want to be clean."

And I think Nicole had decided,

and I think her daughter had
a big reasoning

behind her wanting to be clean,

that she wanted
to do things differently.

So, what do you hope
is the takeaway

from watching something
like "Our American Family"?

My hope is that people
will understand

that family is really important,

and at the end of the day,
life is going to happen

and there's going to be issues,
there are going to be problems,

there are going to be things
that you have to overcome.

If it's not addiction,
it's something else.

It's always going to something
you're going to be tackling,

but at least try to tackle it
together as a family.

That's really nice.

I'll snap for that.

I got that from page 72
from Moshe's book.

I think we can all agree
that all wisdom

eventually trickles down
from my book.

"Wrap addicts
with love and support"...

that doesn't mean, "Kill
yourself while supporting them."

Drug addiction
makes you feel hopeless.

But, truly... and it is
often very hopeless,

but really there is always hope.

There's a saying
in 12-step groups,

which is that your bottom is

where you choose
to stop digging,

because you can always,
always go lower.

And to what Nika said,
you can always stop.

Today is always an opportunity
to stop and to reset

and to get your...
your life back.

Speaking of love...
Speaking of love,

I loved this conversation.

I mean, y'all...
Same.

We going on tour, baby.

We don't deserve
this kind of convo.

I think so!

Nika, Moshe,
conversations like these

are so important
and so necessary,

and we thank you
for your time and insights.

This was exciting.
Thank you for having me.

It was truly a pleasure.

Films like "Our American Family"

provide inspiration
and new perspectives

for not only those affected
by substance abuse

but also for
our society as a whole.

Thanks for watching
"Can We Talk About This?"

Join us next time
for another eye-opening film

and lively conversation.

I'm Jordan Carlos.
Goodbye for now.

♪ Chasing the, sun, sun ♪

♪ Not sure we can fly ♪

♪ But we're gonna try ♪

♪ By chasing the sun ♪

♪ See the light again ♪

♪ Feel the sunshine ♪

♪ Then find the light
on our face ♪

♪ Let the day begin ♪

♪ Standing skin to skin ♪

♪ We know the stakes ♪

♪ So we're gonna run,
run, run ♪

♪ Chasing the sun, sun, sun ♪

♪ Not sure we can fly ♪

♪ Though we're gonna try ♪