All language subtitles for Loudermilk.S03E07.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb

This one is for you, Claire.

You gave me Roger's.

Oh, why have I got
feet for hands?

I thought you do
have feet for hands.

Ben, you haven't
said anything in a while.

I-I just finished every
episode of Buddy N' Andy,

so I'm pretty proud of that.

And I've been playing
some video poker,

and, uh...
Oh, the food truck.

"Does not meet
our current
publishing needs."

You don't know what
fucking publishing needs.

It's why the industry's dying.

♪ ♪

This is amazing.

You should do this
for a living.

Oh, come on.

You're not gonna give it up
for that Maserati?

I call witty gems Maseratis.

Mm.That wasn't even a Kia.

Hey, it was more
than a Kia.

For what?
All you did was say
that he should do

what he does for a living,
which he does.

Yeah.
Isn't it ironic?

No.

You and Alanis Morissette
need to go in on a dictionary.

Okay, okay.
Get off of Claire's back.

This dinner, in large part,
is in honor of her

because she's getting an award
at her college, aren't ya,

for a doodling contest.

Oh, I don't doodle.
I do portraitures.

Again,
you need a dictionary.

That's not a word.

Uh, artists use it.

It's "portrait"
with "ure" at the end.

No, it's "d" with "umb"
at the end.

You know, I should say
we're not just
honoring Claire.

I, uh...

I made it to the finals.

Finals of what?

Oh, that's right.
I didn't tell you.

Promise not to mock me?

I promise.

Video poker tournament.

What?

You just promised.

Oh, come on.
You were gonna
tell me anyway.

I'm just speeding
the process along.

Well, I think
it's great, Ben.

Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

You know, it turns out,
I was one of the top players
over the last couple months,

so I racked up a bunch
of points on my player's card.

So, what,
you've been going
to a casino?

He's made
some money lately.

He can do whatever the fuck
he wants with it.

I'm just trying to be
the voice of reason
over here,

'cause every time you have
a good thing going,

you have to sabotage it.

Shouldn't be
giving your money
to a fucking casino.

Oh, okay.

Well, by the way,
I win sometimes too, so...

Well, sure,
you win sometimes.

They're gonna
let you win sometimes

so you'll keep playing
and lose.

Also, you know,

going to a casino, that's
just like going to a bar.

What are you talking about?

Well, there's free booze
everywhere.

What bar do you know
that gives away free booze?

And by the way, you know what?
It's not exactly free.

You still gotta tip
a couple chips.

Well, it's not
the casino chips
I'm worried about, okay?

It's your sobriety chip,

'cause you gotta
be careful with that.

Okay, great.

I make a nice meal,
we're trying to celebrate,

and you gotta shit
all over it. Cool.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Congratulations
on your dumb-ass drawing

and your stupid fucking
video poker tournament.

There.
Was that so hard?

♪ ♪

So anyway,
Louise hasn't been answering

any of my calls,
texts, or pages.

She still has a pager?

Yeah, I got her one
for emergencies,

you know, in case she's not
answering my calls or texts.

What's a pager?

Uh, yeah,
before phones
were cellular,

we used to have
these sardine
can-sized devices

that we carried around
to let you know

when people were trying
to reach you.

Oh, and then
you text them back?

Nah, you could only
get numbers, that's it.

If you could get numbers,
why couldn't you get letters?

'Cause we were all
fuckin' idiots.

Is that what
you want to hear?

Hey, man, take it easy.
I'm just...

All right, I'm sorry.
I'm just...

I'm pissed off.

Why? What's going on?

I saw an ad
for a robot vacuum cleaner,

and I'm like,
"I thought of that."

No, man, they had that
back on The Jetsons.

That's when
I thought of it.

I was like,
"Somebody should make that."

Cry me a river.
I invented the first-ever
selfie stick.

How did you come...
Okay, that makes sense.

Yeah, I called it
the Roger Rod.

I should've patented it,
I guess.

But I just didn't think
that anybody else

would be interested,
honestly.

I also invented
the trombone stick,

the hitchhiking stick,

the ass-wiping...

Sticks, we get it, okay.
I have a share.

Hey, no.
Roger's not done talking yet.

I just made the finals

of a video poker tournament.

Holy shit, man.Whoo!

That's fucking awesome, man.

Mazel fuckin' tov, yeah.

Thank you very much,
everyone.

You know,
it does my heart
a lot of good

to hear all them
"attaboys"

because the asshole that
I live with trivialized it.

I didn't trivialize it.
I said it was stupid
and dangerous.

Hey, making the finals
in anything is a big deal,
even the WNBA.

Hey, hey.
That's sexist, Tony.

No worries, Tony.
I take no offense.

Thank you very much.

I don't know. I think
I agree with Loudermilk.

Gambling is bad.

You own a casino.

Well, my tribe does.

I'm only responsible
for the buffet, and...
And...

Sometimes I see a lot
of sad faces at that buffet.

Maybe the food sucks.Not a chance.

We have the best
chicken a la king
in Washington State.

Hey, maybe we could go
to the tournament.

Wow. That would
be so supportive.

Well, where is it?Tukwila.

Ooh, that
sounds exotic.

We should all
book tickets.

No, no, it's actually
only 16 miles from here.

No fuckin' way.
I think I've been there.

How weird is that?

It's not weird.
It's only 16 miles away.

There's, like,
four or five casinos there.

It's like Vegas, man.

Do they have whores?MUGSY: Ed...

Ladies of the evening.

Right, right.

Edward, please.
This is a classy place.

It's gonna be crawling
with hookers.

Wow, this is
exciting shit, man.

It's gonna be like
our very own Hangover.

Okay, Hangoverwas about
a bunch of guys
getting blackout drunk.

Do none of you cretins
see the problem with this?

Well, actually,
the underlying story

was about the bonds
of friendship.

Right, so it'll be like
Hangoverwithout the drinking.

I think
you just described hell.

Okay, you know what?
Cisco, don't even
listen to him.

Guy just wants
to piss on everyone's parade.

What parade?
You're in a video poker
tournament.

It just means
that you've blown enough money

that they're inviting you back

to the loser playoffs
to blow more.

Okay, dude,
when are you gonna admit
that you've hit a bad streak

and just don't want
to see anyone else triumph?

Bad streak.

That implies that Loudermilk
has good streaks.

Yeah, well, this one's
worse than normal.

First he finds out
he has a baby brother,

then Lizzie Poole
reminds him what a box
of negativity he is,

then he finally finishes
his book, and any bites?

No, just a bunch
of rejection letters.

Oh, you know what?
Fuck off.

Hey, could you two
lovebirds take the spat
back to the nest?

We're trying to plan
a fuckin' road trip here.

Road trip?

It's 16 miles away from here.

Fuck yeah, road trip.

Let's all pile in
and go in my van!

♪ ♪

Hey, Roger.

Hello.

Um...

I have some exciting news,
and it kinda... Okay,

very much
has to do with you.

I'm getting an award
at college

for a drawing I did of you.

You've been sketching me? Yeah.

Well, everyone
in class was asked

to draw the most inspiring
person they know,

and I drew you.

I'm the most
inspiring person
you know?

Yeah.Why?

Well, you know.

No, no, I actually don't.

Oh, well, um,
you just... You...

You know, you've...
You've accomplished
so much.

With what?

You know...

Your drumming.

Oh.

I didn't know you were a fan.

Oh, sure. Huge, yeah.Oh, wow.

Anyway, they're giving me
an award tomorrow at school,

and they wanted
to give you an award too.

Want to give me an award?Mm-hmm.

Why?

Well, normally the award
just goes to the artist,

not the subject
of the drawing.

But after my professor
saw my portraiture of you,

he wanted
to give you an award.

Really?

So he knows about
my drumming as well.

Mm-hmm.

Wow, ain't that lovely?

Just when you think
people might have
forgotten your work,

you realize that music
can just live on.

Oh, so it's not enough
that you lose in a casino.

Now you gotta lose
at home too?

Well, isn't this illegal?

No, it's totally legal
on this...

Albanian website.

And I'm good at it too.
I was way down.

Now I'm only down, like,
3,000 leks.

Relax, that's
around 30 bucks.

Uh, okay, I think
what you're doing here
is self-sabotaging

and a little scary,
but let's table that.

I think you actually might've
hit on something today.

Is that right?

You know,
I don't even remember
a thing I said.

I was just trying
to be mean to you.
What did I hit on?

Well, you're probably right

about the Clyde thing hitting
me harder than I thought.

And I'm pissed off
about the rejections

'cause it's
a good fucking book.

Mm-hmm.

But his Lizzie Poole thing,
man, it's really killing me.

I just...
I think she's awesome.

Okay, good share.

Hey, we're not in a group,
and that's not a share.

I'm trying to tell my fucking
friend what's on my mind.

Now I just lost
another 100 leks

thanks to that
distracting babble.

If you'll excuse me.

♪ ♪

Yo.

Sorry, it took me a while
to get my drums into the car.

Can you help me
carry them in?

Uh, no, no, no, no.
That won't be necessary.

They'll probably just
show my drawing of you,

and then after
they give us our awards,

they might ask us
to say something.

It's...Oh, okay.

Well, in order
to rouse the students
properly,

do you think
I should talk more
about my musical career

or the somewhat inspiring way
I overcame addiction?

Either-or.All right.

Well, there he is
in person.

Oh. Roger,
this is Professor Phelps.

He's the one who insisted
you get an award too.

Oh, well, let me say
on record I like you already.

Are you sure you don't want me
to go and get my drums?

Drums? For what?

To play them.

'Cause I'm a drummer.

You are? Oh, my God,
that's incredible.

Hey, make sure
you mention that
in your speech.

You didn't know
I was a drummer?

Oh, I-I could've sworn
I mentioned that.

Oh, no, you did. You did.
Yeah.

They don't call us
absent-minded professors
for nothing.

Well, let's get this show
on the road.All right.

The class is ready
for you, Roger.Yeah.

Um, I thought
I'd go first,

you know, 'cause
it's my drawing,
so I just assumed.

All right, everyone.

Please give a warm welcome
to Roger Frostly.

Roger is the subject

of Claire's
award-winning portraiture.

Claire,
would you do the honors?

Well, I hate
to disappoint you,

but I haven't really
got feathers.

I used to, but I flew
into a power line

and my wings
are in the shop.

But in Germany,
it's crazy 'cause they...

They, like, make you play
for an hour and a half.

It was nuts, honestly.

That's crazy.

And again, Claire,
I'm really sorry we didn't
have time for your speech.

Just Roger
was so captivating.

Yeah, yeah, he was...
He was good.

Um, wasn't I supposed
to get an award too?

Oh, yeah.
Uh, I think it's still
on my desk.

Why don't you
run back and get it?

Okay.

Again, that was
really amazing in there.

That's the first time
all semester

my students have looked up
from their phones.

Actually, a couple
of them think

that maybe
I'm quasi-cool now
because of you.

Hey, hey.

Hi.Hi.

I don't want us to sound
stalkerish or anything,

but I am a huge fan of yours.

Really?Yeah.

Roger, this
is my sister Arielle.

I made the mistake
of telling her about you,

and, well, she insisted
on coming to my class today.

Stop it.

Listen, I'm sure
you want to get out of here,

but if I could just
have a minute?

Oh, I'll give you three.

Wow, generous.That's me, to a fault.

Okay, so here's the deal.

We have an event
tomorrow night.

My event, The Bravies.

The what?The Bravies.

♪HowBraveAreYou?Mm-hmm.

It's one of the biggest
charities in all of Seattle.

And definitely the most fun.

Ah.Huh?

I'm in the music business,
so we get a lot
of great bands in,

and we give out a bunch of
awards, raise a ton of money.

Oh, nice.Mm-hmm.

So how exactly can I help?

Well, we would like
to honor you.

It's been a hell of a week.

It would mean
so much to us

as a charity
to have you up there.

Mm, but you said
it was tomorrow night.

Mm-hmm.

Don't you already have
an honoree?

Yeah, we have several.

But you would make
a great addition.

Hmm.

Please?

Roger, please let us
honor you.

I'd be delighted and honored
to be your honoree.

Ah!

Professor Phelps?

I couldn't find my trophy
on your desk.

Oh, it's not a trophy,
Claire.

It's a certificate.

Oh, but he got a...

I'll just pick it up
next week.

All right, who wants
to go first today?

How many times
do I gotta tell you
this isn't the third grade?

Put your fucking
hand down, Mugsy.

Well?

I almost took an Ambien
last night.

I didn't, but, uh,
I've been having
trouble sleeping lately.

Why do you even
have an Ambien?

Oh, no,
it's not for me.

It's for my kids when they
come and visit, you know?

They have my ex-wife's
hyper genes.

Oh, my God.I don't know, man.

Do you remember
that feeling when
you were a kid

and you were just excited
about something coming up,

like Christmas
morning or...

The grand opening
of a new RadioShack
or something?

Ever since we decided
to go to the casino

for Ben's video poker
Hangoverthing,

time has not been able
to go fast enough.

Yeah.
I'm stoked too.

With Louise shunning me,

it's the only thing I have
to look forward to in my life.

That's pathetic.

Oh, yeah,
I'm aware of that.

What are you
so happy about?

Well, can't someone smile
for no reason?

Sure, if you're
psychotic.

All right,
if you must know,

I am being honored
at a charity event
tomorrow night,

and I've just found out
that I'm gonna be
walking up the red carpet.

Oh.Who's honoring you?

Oh, Claire's professor's
sister is organizing
the event,

and he told her
all about me.

Wait, how do you know
Claire's professor?

Professor Phelps.
I met him in class.Mm.

What the fuck
are you doing
in her class?

Well, accepting
my other award.

What other...
Why do I feel like I'm in

the worst
Abbott and Costello
routine ever?

No, that would be Who's on Chemo?

When they gave me an award
for my portraiture of Roger,

they also gave
Roger an award.

Why?

I was the
entire inspiration
for her art.

If she gets an award,
so should I.

Oh, yeah, I think Mona Lisa
kept her trophies
right next to da Vinci's.

All right, I get it.

For a while, I thought
it was ridiculous too.

But Phelpsy said
it was for a good cause.

Wait, you call him
Phelpsy?

Yeah, yeah. He called me
a couple of times today.

That guy is a nutter.

Anyway, I know it's silly.

But being honored
and, you know,

being first-row fancy again,

it's kind of pumped up
my ego.

Oh, you see?

That is exactly how they
treat me at the casino.

Well, yeah,
lose any more
money there,

and they'll probably give you
front-row seats to Carrot Top.

Oh, great.
That's really,
really great.

Well, Carrot Top
doesn't perform there.

Screech does.Who?

Motherfucker.
Screech. Huh?

From Saved by the Bell.

I thought he only
did porn now.

He does some porn,
but that doesn't define him.

Anyway, the good news is that

I've got an extra seat
for you, Loudermilk.

For Loudermilk?
What about me?

Hmm, what?

Well, it's because
of my drawing

that all of this
is happening,

so shouldn't I get some
of the big-shot perks?

Aw, sorry.
I was only given
a plus-one.

And Loudermilk's been
in such a pitiful,
miserable slump recently,

I thought it'd be nice for him
to be treated like a VIP

by association
for one night.

Fuck off.

Maybe I'll just go to Ben's
video poker lose-off instead.

Oh, well, I guess
you're stuck with me,
Roger.

Wow, are they really
giving us front-row seats?

That's what Arielle
said, yeah.Cool.

Wait, did...

Phelpsy's sister,
is that Arielle Phelps?

Yep.

She's a major fucking
music producer.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

They sending us a limo?

Stretch, baby!

We're back!

Whoo-hoo!

♪ ♪

All right, Tony,
since you're riding shotgun,

your job is to look out for
the cops and to keep me awake.

Aye, aye.

Hey, no stopping
except for gas.

I'll take second shift.

I got a empty milk jug

in case anyone
needs to pee.

Guys, the whole trip
is 16 motherfucking miles.

Oh. I'm still gonna
need the milk jug.

Sorry.

Ocupado.

I cannot believe we've
never done a Hangover
road trip in my van.

Wait, which of us
is which?

Huh?

Like, Hangover.
Who's who?

I'm Bradley Cooper.

Forget it, inchworm.
You're no Bradley Cooper.

Why not?

Because Bradley Cooper
isn't shaped

like he's got wet dog turds
in his pockets.

Okay, look.
Besides, I'm the one
in the tournament,

which makes me
the ringleader,

which makes me
the Bradley Cooper,
okay?

Hey, was Bradley Cooper
even the ringleader
in Hangover?

I think so. I mean,
he was the most handsome.

Okay, then I'm
the dentist guy.

No, you're definitely
the bearded fuckup guy.

Oh, my God, you think
I look like Zach Galifianakis?

Hey, yo, who am I?Mike Tyson, duh.

Why, 'cause I'm black?

No, uh...
Because you like pigeons?

Oh, how 'bout
I come over there and chew
your fucking ear off?

Guys, guys, come on.
Focus, focus.

We got 16 hard miles
ahead of us.

In.Let's go. Hustle up.

♪ ♪

Thanks for swinging me
an extra ticket, dude.
This is sick.

Yeah, no problem.

I've never even been
on a red carpet before.

That was incredible.

That was incredible,
all right.

What?

I've never seen anyone
eat up applause like that,

and I've been
to a Morrissey concert.

What are you talking about?
It was perfectly dignified.

You bowed and curtsied.

Yeah, well, I'm British.
It's called class, fuckface.

Well, whatever you say,
Sir Roger.

What exactly are they
honoring you for?

Bravery.

What brave thing did you do
to get this award?

Well, you know...

I mean, it's not just
one thing, is it?

Don't fucking
ruin this for me,
Loudermilk.

Okay.

Sorry.
You're right.

This is your big night,
and you should enjoy this.

Be brave.Oh, shut up.

It was 16 miles. How the fuck
could you run out of gas?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Hey, this van
has a 429 big block.

She's not made
for mileage.

This bitch
is about horsepower.

Horsepower? This bitch didn't
get over 40 miles per hour.

Because I'm trying
to conserve gas.

Oh, so you knew
we were low on gas.

I told you that
at the beginning.

Oh, no, you didn't.
You never said that, never.

Tony was the copilot.

You should've been watching
the gas gauges.

What? I was instructed
to look out for cops,

not the fucking
gas gauge.

Mugsy should've
been looking
at the gauges.

I don't look at the gauges.
I'm the pilot.

I'm watching for seagulls
to make sure

they don't fly
into the engine!

Oh, well, thank you,
Sully Sullenberger.

Not a Jew.What?

Just saying,
Sullenberger
is not a Jew.

I never said
he was a Jew.

And tell me something.
How is that not
a Jewish name?

It's a Jewish name and his
name is probably Sullivan

and he changed it
to sound more exotic.

You know what?
Fuck you all, okay?

Because of your stupidity,

I'm the one who doesn't get
to play in the tournament.

You would've
probably lost anyway.

Okay, well,
then I would've
had fun losing.

This isn't fun.

It's your fault
I wasted a Friday night.

I could've been home
watching Keith Morrison.

Who's that?

Keith Morrison
from Dateline.

See, that's your problem.
It's Friday night,
you're at home

watching a network
news show.

Oh, it's a news magazine.What's the difference?

It's a huge fucking
difference!

There's no
fucking difference!Oh, it's huge!

Everybody just stop it,
all right?

Everybody just stop
blaming each other, jeez!

Yeah, Cloud's right.
It's nobody's fault.

Except for Mugsy and Tony.

You should've been watching
the goddamn gas gauge!

Oh, yeah?
Why weren't you
watching it?

Because I was
in the lavatory.

Oh.Goddamn.

Damn.Shit, man.

Hey.Oh, hi.

How you feeling?

Okay, I guess.

Okay, well, just relax.
You're gonna do great.

I'm gonna go introduce you.

Okay.Good luck out there.

Hey, I'm Dave.

I just wanted to introduce
myself to a fellow Bravie.

Nice to meet you.

Out of curiosity,
what are you getting
your award for?

Oh, nothing big.Me neither.

Yeah, I just ran
into a burning school
and saved a bunch of kids.

Well, who wouldn't have
done the same, right?

Oh, wow.

So you're a fireman.

No.

And an opportunity
to shine a spotlight
on the best, the brightest,

and the most heroic
citizens of Seattle.

And so it is my great honor,
my privilege,

to welcome a wonderful man,
an incomparable human being,

an awesome drummer,
a true trailblazer...

Laying it on
a little thick,
isn't she?

She's just being courteous.
Don't be a dick.

Esteemed guests,
please join with me

in giving a warm welcome
to Roger Frostly.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

But... But please, sit down.
I don't deserve this.

Please. Sit...

Down.

That wasn't a false modesty
trick for more applause.

Although nice to know
for the future that it works.

Seriously, though...

I don't deserve
an award for bravery

or anything, really.

Last night, I wrote
an acceptance speech,

a rather self-serving one

where I was only too happy
to keep the blinders on

and lap up
more ego-stroking praise.

And I do appreciate
the gesture behind this.

It was well-meaning.

But giving me an award

just for being disabled is

unfortunately designed
only to make you feel good...

While it makes me feel
pretty lousy.

Because it tells me how low
your expectations are for me.

Like I should get an award

for brushing my teeth
or something with these arms.

Well, something I used to do
about a dozen times a day

to keep the smell
of booze off my breath.

No, not a joke.

I'm an alcoholic.

I've been sober
for a little while now.

But I spent a large part
of my life escaping with booze

and a whole lot more.

And there's nothing heroic
about that.

But tonight?

This is just inspiration porn.

Stella Young,
an Australian activist,
coined that phrase.

Yeah, porn.

Because it's all about
objectifying

people like me and her so that
you can say to each other,

"Oh, my life might suck,
but it could be worse.

"Just look at the bloke
with short arms."

But I'm just as much
to blame as you.

So I feel uncomfortable too.

I fooled myself into believing
that I deserved this award
for my music.

And the truth is,
I'm a good drummer.

But I'm not a great one.

So I'm sorry.

But I can't accept
your Bravie award.

I know one thing, though.

The next guy coming onstage
definitely deserves it.

Dave.

Thank you so much, Roger.

Wow.

How's that for
raw honesty, huh?

Amazing.

So...

It's inspired me
to be honest too.

I didn't really
save those kids
from the burning school.

I guess I did, but...

I also set the fire.

I know. It's bad.

But I did it to be a hero.

I guess that should take away
some of the points.

Fuck!

I should've accepted
that award.

♪ ♪

Hey.

There you are.

Hey.

Where's Loudermilk?

Downstairs talking music
with Arielle Phelps.

Mm.

You know,

I'm sorry if I came across
as patronizing when I drew you

and gave you wings.

You did.I know.

Just trying to apologize here.

Oh, fuck it.

You're just a kid.
You didn't know any better.

Now who's
being patronizing?

You know,
your speech was great.

But some of it was bullshit.

What are you talking about?

I get it. No one should
objectify anyone

or give a disabled person
an award

just for making a sandwich.

But what's wrong
with acknowledging someone

who has to overcome
a bit more adversity
every day?

Well, yeah.

But acknowledgement
isn't about getting awards.

It's about acceptance.

And maybe a little help
sometimes.

Ah, what the hell?

I did invent
the trombone stick.

I should definitely
get a Grammy for that, right?

Hug?

♪ Standing right
in front of me

♪ What do you see

♪ Bark right off
the family tree

♪ And pedigree

♪ Living foggy clarity

♪ Naturally

♪ Give me
what you've taken back

♪ I'll never leave

♪ High and dry

♪ What'd I find

♪ You might love me... ♪