All language subtitles for Inside.Job_.S02E05.1080p.NF_.WEB-DL.DDP5_.1.H.264-SMURF

A NETFLIX SERIES

Gather round, Hand family.

You've been summoned to Hand Manor
for our most cherished tradition,

the annual ranking of the Hand children.

Hear, hear!

You have one minute to defend your value.

Well, I just made partner at the firm,

totally crushed
this greedy class action suit.

It's every American's right
to own a wig factory that poisons a river.

Taff?

I've decided to end my seven-figure
modeling contract to pursue my hobby.

Pediatric brain surgery.

Our size zero
is turning into a hero. Brett?

I have a new job too.
It-It's super important.

I just can't talk about it
or the nanobots will explode my brain.

Ah, yes, your "classified" job.

I blame myself.

For not adequately blaming
the staff we hired to raise you.

You've always been an embarrassment.

Luckily we have Jagg here
to carry the family name.

My campaign for senator
airs its first commercial

on Patriot News this week.

Called it.

This campaign could not exist
without all of your help.

- Of course!
- We love you, bro.

Wait, you're all working
on Jagg's campaign?

Why didn't anybody ask me to help?

With what?
Slowly draining your "trust fund"?

Shrewsbury, up top!

Savage burn, sir.

Uh, no offense, Brett, but you've always
been kind of a spineless yes man.

Oh, come on. I'm not spineless.

The doctor said
my spine is just huggably soft.

Well, Muffy just had puppies.

So that puts her in a tie for fourth.

Shall we vote?

All in favor of Muffy in fourth?

Aye!

Aye.

Break out the will.

That dog is getting a house in Cape Cod.

Tonight, sexting.

Are dirty messages distracting your teen
from studying their assault rifle?

Right again, Danica.

But first, are you sick of liberals

telling you you can't eat
an entire drum of fructose corn syrup?

even massive lethal amounts of fructose.

Consume.

- Consume, consume, consume, consume.
- Consume, consume, consume, consume.

- Consume, consume, consume.
- Consume, consume, consume.

Now you, conflicting viewpoint, you're up.

Whatever Patriot News just said was wrong.

Here are some synonyms to wrong.

Scurrilous,
malfease-escent, incorrectitude.

What matters most is
that we all come together and eat quinoa.

Consume, consume.

Oh, I love cable news.

It's like watching the apocalypse
in slow motion.

Imagine if outraged viewers on both sides
knew the truth about the Gigi-run media.

Uh, our conspiracies
aren't gonna cover up themselves.

That's why my department
creates meaningless controversies

to distract the country from the truth.

Like that you and your new boy toy
almost leveled Rome on a sexcapade.

When we come back, get flirtier.

I want to see sparks.

Ugh. He's doing the thing again!

I thought you said robotic male co-hosts
would be cheaper.

When you factor in the sexual harassment
suits from human anchormen,

we still save money.

When I decided to run for Senate,
it wasn't for the elites in Washington.

I did it for what matters.

Family. Whether it's your family,
or mine right here.

Ah, we're sure proud of you, bro.

Thanks, Brett.

Uh, awesome.

What? Your family recast you
in an ad about the importance of family?

Well, Jagg said
Wheelchair Brett tested better.

I know that you got here
by being a yes man.

Why do people keep saying that?

But that commercial should piss you off!

Absolutely agree. Hundred percent.

Do something!

What does pro-death even mean?

Today's sponsor is Tubbo's Pizza.

Stuff your crust, stuff your casket.

Where am I supposed to find
another camera-ready white man

who can talk for hours
without actually saying anything?

Really? Everything bagels?

Get real. I can name at least
a thousand things not on this bagel.

Legos, fingers, time itself...

My God!
Non-threatening, all-American.

The Comic Sans of people. Brett!

Me, a news anchor?

But my parents watch Patriot News 24/7.
What if I say the wrong thing?

Everyone's dream is to be on TV.

Actually, my dream was to...

I'm already bored.

Perhaps I can offer my assistance.

By compiling thousands of hours
of news footage,

I can generate a script
that's boomer catnip,

and I am hungry
to get back into the political arena.

Well, I guess your scripts
couldn't be worse than Glenn's.

I write what's in my heart, which is fear,

and according to the doctors,
a new type of cholesterol.

Intern, Tubbo's pizza me.

Brett, Reagan, 60 seconds!

Hurry! We're on in five, four...

Don't shank this, pretty boy.

Vegetarianism's a slippery slope
to cows taking over

and eating America's beloved golf courses.

I like my meat
the way I like my toxic waste.

Ignored by safety inspectors.

And if we really believe in freedom,
shouldn't guns be allowed to vote?

Wow, you've finally done it.

Artificial unintelligence.

Would anyone even fall for this crap?

Guns should vote!

Finally, someone brave enough to say it.

That's our show.

That's commercial.

Was that okay?

Look at these views!

You're like Captain America fucked
Steve McQueen fucked Lightning McQueen!

Kachow!

How would you like to permanently co-host?

We've got something here, Brett,

and your chest is somehow
harder than the robot's.

Well, if it'll make you guys happy

and it'll impress my parents,
I guess I'm in.

Finally. I have my own puppet.

Phase one, a signature look
that also serves as merchandise.

And if I want to shoot endangered animals
out of catapults on my own gold farm,

it's my right!

I like this nice, young man.

Heckin' right.
Someone who respects freedom.

And soon, hopefully,
a gun's right to marry another gun.

You'll be wed soon, my pretties.

Phase two. Appeal to their emotions.

Fear, fear, fear.

- Fear, fear, fear.
- Fear, fear, fear.

Finally, a beacon of hope.

From now on, I'm gonna let
my screaming do the talking.

And for the coup de grâce,
an inane catchphrase. Something like...

Bretts get ready to rumble!

America, you have a Brett-shaped hole
in your heart

and I am here to fill your Brett hole.

It might just be my pills talking,
but I think that's our son.

Brett on Patriot News?

Shrewsbury, unblock his phone number
and get him on the line.

Everybody, hide! Rupert's on the warpath.

He's killing people with his bare hands.

For once, this is
not inflammatory hyperbole!

Thank God for these doors
that lock from the inside.

I smell opportunity.

And fucking Sumatran blend?

No. No, no, no.
I-I swear I ordered Kenyan!

Ha! I'm fucking with you, intern.

Go clean my car. I think someone threw up
in the driver's seat this morning.

Whoa!

Mom and Dad watch every night.

For realio?

It's not easy to say this, but we're...
We're... Shrewsbury!

They are proud of you, sir.

This changes everything.

You've just been promoted
to number two son.

Wheelchair Brett, you're fired.

Matt, you're number three now.

Your new friends are Luke Hemsworth
and Tom Franco.

No. No. No!

And then Jagg asked me to open for him
at campaign rallies.

For the first time in my life,
I'm finally part of the family.

Brett, get ready to go to war
with your family.

You're running for senator.

Huh. I always thought
that was a supply closet.

It's those crazy Backhanders
you've been whipping up on Patriot News.

But we already own the president
and 49% of Congress.

Exactly. If you win,
Cognito will fully rule America.

But, sir, my family
just started respecting me and...

Can it! I pay you to talk, not to talk.
Gigi, you're on media.

I'm gonna soundbite the nation's dick off.

Myc, you're the cutthroat
campaign manager.

Is that literal? How much power
are we talking about here?

Glenn, you're the injured veteran
who we trot out as a prop for sympathy.

I don't want your pity.

Andre, you're probably a millennial.

Go to college campuses
and drum up the youth vote.

You know millennials
are, like, pushing 40 now, right?

And I'll be the power behind the scenes
with my four-dimensional chess.

I can take my manipulation to the next...

You're the doorstop.

What? This is an outrage.
I should have let Bear-O destroy you all.

Okay, Dad. What's your real reason for
getting involved in this one dumb race?

The Neglectfully Excommunicated Exes
Date You Act?

It legally requires all divorced couples
to go on a romantic date once a month.

Sex optional. Don't want to overreach.

So you're gonna overthrow the government
just to make Mom tolerate a date with you?

Democracy in action.

Brett, Brett, Brett!

Can't we make the intern do this?

Interns don't have
self-moistening blowholes.

Stop talking about your holes.

I'm on the line
with my old sweatshop connects

trying to get these
"Keep Jobs in America" hats on the cheap.

Xin Zhao, Nike.

Where the hell is Brett?

Come on, man.

You're right, Reagan.
Time to face the FaceTime.

This FaceTime, it's personal.

What the fuck are you thinking?

Destroying your brother's
political legacy.

What are you, a Bush?

I swear it wasn't my idea!

Drop out or we'll disown you.

Fix this, Brett.

Or you'll be as dead to us
as the fourth Hand brother, Chad.

- Wait, who?
- I've said too much.

If I win, my dad hates me.
But if I quit the race, your dad hates me.

There's so many dads!

You know what? Fuck our parents.

What if we secretly sabotage
your campaign?

The Deep State wants you to win,

but we can form
an even deeper state to lose.

You'd do that for me?

Of course. Get ready to join
the deepest state there is. Friendship.

Brett Hand for Senate!

You want me to help you lose the election?

But I've worked so hard
to create the perfect candidate.

Look, if I could destroy
my political puppet,

you can take down yours.

Come on, Alpha-Beta, destroy me.
I'm just begging for it.

It's somehow less fun when you want it,

but I do have an encyclopedic recall
of every career-ending political scandal.

Okay, Brett, let's ruin your life.

Oh, thank God. Where do we start?

Can't go wrong with the classics.

What are you into, bad boy?

Whatever you're into.

Well, I'd be into getting more respect
from society at large.

You know, I'm...
I'm sorry. I'm talking about myself.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm here to listen.

I couldn't help it.
The solution just seemed so obvious.

Can you grab a photo of me
snorting this maple-flavored cocaine?

Hey, helping out is what
being a drug lord's all about, eh?

Okay, here goes.

I've only sniffed Crayola markers before,
but this can't be that different, right?

Wow, you did it!

You took out Infamous Canadian drug lord
Tony "Maple Leaf" O'Malley!

I did what now?

Wow! A key to the city of Toronto.
Wow, man, that's like oh shit.

This feels like a boss key, like in Zelda.

What are you, Ganon? Who's thirsty?
I could go for some water.

Let's talk about water.

to put out the fires in California?

They were really nice about it,
and I just felt too bad to correct them.

Well, when I'm senator, I'm slashing
health benefits for veterans like this.

To be clear, I, Brett Hand,
think veterans are dumb babies.

What the hell, Brett?

I moistened 10,000 expired stamps for you.

So many stamps.

Glenn! Don't worry.
I learned Dolphin CPR at SeaWorld.

Huh. Always figured if Glenn died
from a Seinfeld plot line,

it would've been the no jacking off one.

He can walk again!

This man supports the Marines
and aquamarines.

We love you, Brett!
You can do no wrong!

Un-fucking-believable.

You somehow even landed the youth vote.
How the hell did that happen?

Offshore accounts, bailouts.
You can get away with anything!

If you really want
to get back at your parents,

vote with them
against all their interests.

Nothing matters but the self!

My family is gonna disown me
for destroying Jagg's chances.

I need a bigger scandal.
Why don't scandals work anymore?

You've entered the modern
"infallible zone."

People don't give a shit anymore.

As long as you're their guy,
you're bulletproof.

We'll fake Brett's death
and once the election is over, come clean.

Oh, right. Because faking your own death
worked out so well last time, Reagan.

Redundant much?

We can't afford originality
right now, Alpha-Beta.

- We need to kill Brett to save Brett.
- I know exactly how I want to die.

Just like my grandfather.

Damn it. Brett's dead?

Well. This is why I collect blood samples.
Fire up some Brett clones, DupliKate.

I can't believe it.
His DNA is too average to replicate.

Horrifying.

Hm. Something's fishy.
And for once, it's not Glenn.

I could run for senator.

Why don't you run
for a less dry sandwich, shithead?

Thank you, sir. I love it, sir.

No! No, no! Brett!

Ever wondered why your Medicare
covers your nether regions,

but not the undercarriage
of the one you love the most?

Swing Low, Sweet Chariots.

You're done, Danica.

Cable news only pushes conspiracies
that help our corporate sponsors.

I know Brett's here somewhere.

I can still smell his Axe Body Spray!

Let go of me! Brett! No!

Is Brett really gone?
Am I the hottest guy in the office again?

I don't buy it. People fake their deaths
like office birthdays around here.

I think we got a Russian nesting doll
of deeper states going on.

And Gigi is gonna sniff it out.

To honor the light
he brought into our lives,

the extended Hand family,

myself, Taff, Matt,
and our various unnamed cousins...

I want to say Brad. Maybe a Brad in there.

Yes.

...will hold a private memorial
slash candlelight touch football game

on our family compound.

"Beloved," "honor," "respect."

This is all I've ever wanted!

Do you think they'll mix my ashes
with their favorite horses'?

Sure, if that's what a normal
insane rich family would do.

This death is the best day of my life!

Yes, you, the guy who looks like
he owns a snake.

I read on my own website
that the Hand family assassinated Brett

to keep him from beating you.

That's less of a question
and more of an accusation!

Go to hell in a handbasket, traitors!

Uh, okay, no more questions.

Look at that outpouring of love
from both sides.

Oh, they love you, all right.

Those idiots.

The Hands didn't kill Brett.

Why are conspiracy theorists always wrong?

Whoever's behind this probably killed
Harold the head of the flat-Earthers,

and Jeff Bezos.

Okay. Yeah. That was us.
Broken clocks, right?

I wouldn't worry about your family.

Which is why tonight the Hand family
will get what's coming to 'em.

We are now taking GoFundMe donations
for a guillotine.

Why we gotta all wear black?

It makes it hard to know
which one of us I am.

'Cause somebody died, moron.

Hut, hut, hut!

Hey, have some respect.

I can't believe that guy's number two
at Goldman Sachs.

The Backhanders are at Home Depot
getting pitchforks.

We have to warn your family.

We'll send in drones.
I just need a high vantage point.

Like that?
Little Brett's pimptastic tree fort.

It was featured on MTV's Cribs Junior,

which was sadly cancelled
after the 2008 junior housing crisis.

They built you a tree house
outside the property?

It has a zip line to the main house,

which I was told to only use
for emergencies.

Okay? Yeah. I... I do hear it. It's bad.

- Whoa.
- Pimptastic, am I right?

What is all this stuff?

You never said you like crafting.

but my dad told me
it would bring shame to the family name

so I put puppeteering on the back burner.

Well, except for on behalf
of the shadow government.

Back burner? Then what the hell is this?

Oh, I made that one
when I was home for Christmas.

'Sup, bros? The name is Lil Brett,

and the game is helping Brett process
his fuh-fuh-fuh feelings!

Damn. If I'd known about all this,

we could have destroyed your candidacy
in minutes.

Hey, we all have our coping mechanisms.

"Hand family in danger."

Condolences, Hand family.

Lock doors. Call police.

Perfect. That's way less creepy
than their son being alive.

Uh, guys.

Huh?

Oh God, it's the Backhanders!
How did they find this place?

- Reddit.
- Why is it always Reddit?

Deploy containment net on intruders!

These rich MF-ers even got robot birds.

Kidnap the Hands!

Get them to admit the truth!

Get off our property!

Never. Brett was one of us.

A regular Joe giving it to the elites
in the lame-stream media.

Hut, hut, hut.

Jesus, Brett,
they're gonna tear each other apart.

You need to go and put an end to this.

But what about Jagg's election?

Who cares? If you don't do something,
they'll kill Jagg.

Um, uh... Alpha-Beta.
You always know what to say.

There are too many.
They're all angry at different things.

Look at their shirts. "Criminalize laws."

"Save the whales, but kill all the bees."
"My other Volkswagen is an assault rifle."

What the fuck does that even mean?
Libertarians make no sense.

You need to stop being the yes man.

Go down there and tell them all no.

I... I can't.

But I might know someone who can.

- God. Please don't.
- You'll only get them murdered quicker.

Praise Brett! We did it!

This proves the conspiracy is real.

Maybe all conspiracies are real.

Oh, that's not good.

Brett. Thank God you're alive
to help your brother.

Tell your foam-handed cyber hicks
to stand down and vote for Jagg.

Yes, Dad. You're absolutely right.

You have a duty to the Back Hand nation
to resume your campaign!

I couldn't agree more.

- What is he trying to say?
- Pick a lane.

This is why I didn't want you
on my campaign.

You are totally spineless!

So am I!

S'up bitches, Lil Brett here.

I'mma tell you
how my boy Brett really feels.

You people just wanted your own ideas
shouted back at you,

and they're all terrible!

Call your moms and delete Facebook.

And you only started caring about Brett
when you thought he was useful.

Well, Lil Brett says get stuffed.

Brett is done trying to please everybody,

which means I've taught you
everything I could, Brett.

- It's time.
- What?

Oh, no! Lil Brett.

Don't go towards the light.

No! No! Lil Brett, don't leave me.
I'm not strong enough without you.

Don't you dare leave me.

So he learned self-esteem
from his own puppet and now it's dead?

The puppet has become the puppet master.

I guess. I... I... I can't follow.

I'm done letting others talk for me.

I'm done with you and done with Jagg.

I'm gonna do what Brett wants.

To go home and buy the domain name
for HandPuppetsbyBrett.com.

Brett cares about puppets?

That is, uh, the one dot I cannot connect.

Yeah, that's creepy.

He's an adult man.

I'm too confused to be angry.
And that makes me angry!

Brett, I am happy to run unopposed.
You heard him, right? No take-backs.

It appears everything
has somehow been resolved.

I cannot think
of any dangling threads we've missed.

And we managed to get through a mission
without killer robots, or monsters,

or some last-minute bananas twist.

Live from Hand Manor,
Danica is here to save you, Brett!

Ah, there it is.

No!

Oh, no!

How could I
accidentally shoot a loved one?

When you own a gun, there's only
a 72% chance of that happening!

Hut, hut, hut. Touchdown!

Brett. You've sullied the family name
with your antics,

but you've also saved your brother's life.

So I'm demoting Jagg to son number three
for being weak.

What?

Am I... Am I son number one?

I'm keeping that position open for now.

Attaboy, Brett.

Don't worry about Rand.

I'll take the flak
for the deeper state debacle.

It's okay. We can handle it.

It's a miracle. Tamiko has responded yes
to my summons for a date.

Brett,
you're alive again. That's nice.

Wait. How did you
get your stupid legislation passed

without Brett in the Senate?

You think Brett was the only politician
I was betting on?

Once I got wind you three dipshits
were deeper stating us,

we formed an even deeper deeper state
and backed another candidate,

the focus group-approved man
the camera can't help but love.

Wheelchair Brett from Jagg's commercial?

- Huh. I guess he really did test better.
- Then this was all for nothing?

I want a raise, motherfucker!

Shh! Don't rock the boat, Lil Brett.

Oh, you want to double-cross me?

I have seen shit, Brett.
I'm not the most shameful thing

you learned to do with your hands
in that tree house.

- Oh God.
- This is a workplace.

Reagan! He's too empowered.
Cut off my hand.

I'd like to see you bitches try.

This is Lil Brett's world.
You're all just living in it.

- Okay.
- Back off, Ponytail.

I'll eat you like a piranha
from the ankles up.

- Nuh-uh.
- Good God!

Bow down, bitches.

Whoa! Take it easy, little guy!

- Help!
- Die, you...

Fuck!

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