All language subtitles for I Spy S2E27 Casanova from Canarsie

[guitar playing]

[audience applauding]

- Hi.

Honey, we've listened to a lot
of these Flamenco songs now

and I've come to the conclusion
that it is your profile

that has inspired all of them.

[laughing]

I give you a toast.

I toast for you the

wonderful chance accident

that put us on adjoining
stools at the Ritz bar.

[guitar playing softly]

You haven't told me yet,

you haven't told me yet
what brought you to Sevilla.

Consuela.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Kelly!

[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

- I'd be delighted to buy
you a bottle of champagne.

We'll put it right on the bill.

- You're upset.

- No, I'm not.

After all, champagne is
the name of the evening.

And pair us the cost,

I just won't write quite as
many postcards home is all.

[laughing]

- Is that what brought
you to Sevilla? Postcards?

- No, of course not.

You brought me here.

- But, Kelly we just
met this afternoon.

- That's a small detail.

After all, I've always
dreamed of coming to Sevilla.

And the girl in the dream

always looked like you.

- You're so romantic.

You must have Latin blood.

- My maternal grandfather spent

a great deal of time in Peru?

- Tell me about Peru.

[laughing]

- You tell me about you!

- Oh, no Kelly!

[speaking Spanish]

- The best!

[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

No, no, the lady sent it to you.

The lady there.

[ominous music]

- I'm sorry, but I have to go.

- What?

- It has been a lovely evening.

- Well, listen.

Who is he?

Is he a family friend or what?

- I have never met
him before in my life.

But I adore him.

[laughing]

[swanky music]

[sighing]

[exciting music]

[jazz music]

- [Man] White queen
to rook three.

- That's what it
says, queen to R3.

Mhmm.

- Well now, Leonovitch is
attacking my queen rook's pawn.

- Well, don't panic.

You've got three days to mail
your move back to Moscow.

- Yeah.

Very fine move.

There's only one thing,
though, man, see?

When you're playing
by correspondence

against another, you
know, Russian agent,

he's probably got the whole
counterintelligence department

looking over his shoulder.

- Well, Washington
has all the confidence

in the world in you, Scotty.

- Take a hike.

[laughing]

How 'bout if I
move to rook five?

- Sure, sure.

Then he comes right back with
his rook to the king seven

and you've had it.

- Yeah, but man, see, I
hate to go on the defensive.

Okay, I just move
my bishop to --

Hey!

Whatchya doin' back so
early? How'd you do?

- How'd it go?

How'd you make
out with Consuela?

- Well, in point
of fact, I didn't.

- What happened?

- I don't know,

but from the sharp
feeling about my kneecaps,

I think I blew the assignment.

- Pentagon's not gonna be happy

if that girl turns out to be
the Mata Hari we think she is.

- Yeah, well, Mr.
Boris, I'm tellin' ya,

I was working beautifully,

turning on and psyching
with my usual charm and wit,

you know, the best I know how.

And the girl was just responding
and everything was just,

and I got up and bang!

She dropped me so fast

and went right to a little ...

He was an American!

Little bit of a guy
with big glasses,

big lapels like this,
about yeah high.

- Hold it.

- Just exactly the kind of a guy

that you would find
handing out a lemonade

at the Sunday school picnic.

- Back up a minute, Kelly.

What was his name?

- I don't know
what his name was!

What do I know
what his name was?

- Well, how tall
would you say he was?

- [Kelly] He was about 5'6,

with a foot of lifts on.

- Uh huh.

This the man?

- Yeah.

- And you let Consuela sit
down with him, just like that?

- Well, yeah.

- Get back to that night club
and get him out of there.

- Now?

- Now.

- Oh, come on!

What am I supposed to do?

Wrap him up in a tablecloth?

- I don't care.

Just do it.

Just get him away
from that girl, fast!

If you have to kidnap him,

get him away from her.

- Come on, Kel, I'll help you
whip up on the little guy.

- Yeah, I've seen you whip
up on little guys before.

You're good at that.

[chattering]

[sighing]

[Flamenco music playing]

Yeah, he's still there.

With the girl in the dark hair.

- That's him, huh?

- That him in all his glory.

[whistling]

- Cat makes Casper Milktoast
look like Captain Marvel, man.

- Go ahead, remind
me all about it.

Okay, what do you say

Plan X?

- Plan X?

- Yeah, X.

- What're you talking
about, Plan X?

We don't give you no letters.

Just tell me what
you want me to do.

- Oh, come on.

How come every time I give
you one of the hippy things,

you embarrass me?

Plan X, alright,

is where both of us, well,
one of us, messes up.

Remember?

- Well, that's Plan Y, man.

- It's not Plan Y, I said X.

[chattering]

- You can imagine
my embarrassment

when I discovered that you
were not Carlos after all.

But at least it isn't
a total loss, is it?

- Oh, no.

It's such a pleasure to have
your company, Miss Decorub.

- Call me Consuela.

- Alright.

You can call me
Herbie, if you like.

- Oh, I'd like that
very much, Herbie.

Herbie Rimstead.

It has an mmm sound to it.

- Thank you.

[audience applauding]

Oh dear, oh dear.

- What?

- I'm 35 minutes late.

- For what?

- My pill, I should've
taken one at 11.

- Are you sick?

- Oh, no!

Just low blood pressure.

- Oh. Here, wash
it down with this.

[banging]

- Hey, waiter!

Come on, we were here first!

What? We were!

[speaking Spanish]

- Right away!

- Well, well, well,

if it isn't my old,
long lost girlfriend

from earlier in the evening.

How you doin', sweetheart?

Found a live one, eh? Terrific!

Sir, she's a wonderful girl.

You must one day get her to
show you her track shoes.

- Hey, Kel, would
you cool it, man?

She's not interested
in you anymore.

She's not interested,
so cool it!

- Well, all I'm saying is that
I'm not interested either.

I was, was!

You know, until I
felt her track shoes

pass right over my face

and the pits in my
eyeballs maimed.

Oh, the pain of it!

Yes, sir, can I help you?

Would you like
something to eat, sir?

- Your order, sir.

- One Manzanita and
one milk, please.

- Yes, sir!

- Well chilled, please!

If I want room temperature,
I'll ask for bread and butter.

- You all will have to
excuse my friend here.

You see, he has a trick brain

and whenever he uses it,
sometimes it falls out on him.

- Is that right?

- Yes, it is right, man.

Listen, I just want to tell you

about the wonderfulness
of your mouth.

- Oh, no kidding?
Is that a fact?

- Yes, it's very
large and very loud.

If you don't believe me,

you can ask anybody
from here to Grenada.

- I hate when people talk loud.

- I think we should leave.

[speaking Spanish]

- Now, whenever,
child, I get it.

- Certainly.

- Plan X.

- I tell you what, my friend.

Your humor for the evening
has escaped me temporarily.

If you don't like my mouth,

why don't you just take a
couple of laps around the city?

How does that fit to strike ya?

- When I gotta
picture your teeth

spread all over
this dance floor,

smilin' at me.

- Ho, ho!

That's a beautiful one, folks!

[chattering]

That's alright, Morty.

I think I can handle this
guy without any help,

thank you very much.

- Rimstead, Herbert W. Rimstead.

- Herbert, don't get involved.

- I think that's a
marvelous suggestion.

- I'm sure this can be
settled intelligently.

- Intelligently?

- Yeah, that leaves you out.

- I'll give you--

Oh!

[speaking Spanish]

Hey.

- Leave him alone,
don't touch him!

Hey, Herbie, are
you alright Herb?

Hey, man, take his legs
or somethin', will ya?

Let's get him some fresh air.

Okay.

No kiddin', Consuela,
I'd never forgive myself

and I wouldn't be
able to sleep nights

unless I looked after him.

You understand, sweetheart?

- I understand.

- Alright, okay.

Sorry, folks.

That was a little mistake

but just go on
with your dinners.

[peaceful music]

So,

this is Rimstead.

- Herbert W.

- I'll be darned.

Well, that brings me
to my second question.

Who's Rimstead?

- Doesn't strike a bell, huh?

- Nope.

- Looks like you boys are a
little behind on your homework.

- Okay, Boris, that's
enough with the big deal.

Who is the guy?

- One of the biggest
threats to American security

in the world today.

- One of the biggest.
- It's not the biggest.

[Herbert groaning]

- Where am I?

Mama.

Mama, mama.

Ha, 50!

51!

Just a minute!

52, 52, 52,

52, 52, 52, 52,

52, 52, 52, 52.

- Hi.
- Oh, it's you.

- How you feeling?

- You're interrupting my
deep breathing exercises.

- Well, don't let me
interfere with you,

you can just continue.

I just want to check and
see how you're feeling.

- Fine. That's very kind of you.

- Listen, Kel and I,

we want to apologize for
what happened last night.

We've been kickin'
ourselves around the block.

- Oh, that's okay.

I really had no
business interfering.

- Well, yes, you did, you see.

But Kelly and I, we were
just to dumb minded, stupid,

to understand the whole thing.

And don't think we're not
gonna apologize to your date.

- Oh, Consuela!

- Yes.

- Do you know where she is?

Do you know where
I can reach her?

- Well, no, not right now.

But if we see her, we
certainly will apologize.

- Oh, I see.

- But that shouldn't interfere

with an operator like yourself,

especially in a swinging
city like Sevilla.

- Oh, I really hadn't
thought about it.

- Well, okay, listen,

I'll let you get back
to your exercise,

making a cuckoo man
out of yourself.

And don't take
any wooden olives.

53, 53.

[speaking Spanish]

- 58, 59, ha! 60!

[soft music]

- How is he this morning?

- Well, he's doin' alright.

He's a little hung
up on Consuela,

but other than that,
he's in perfect health.

Well, no he's not, really.

Perfect health is mostly
ginger dandy and he isn't.

[laughing]

- What's so funny?

- Listen, Frank, I'm sorry, man.

But I hate to be out of line,

but I cannot get
a picture of him

as a national security
risk, that's all.

- Okay.

Here it is, then.

Up to three weeks ago,
Rimstead was chief filing clerk

in our Nuclear Counter
Response division.

- I see.

One of those faceless
little people,

walking around in a half lighted
Pentagon sub-basement, huh?

- Right.

Faceless.

A total nonentity.

And yet, as is so
often the case,

a man privy to top
secret information

that could well affect
the course of history.

- If the enemy had the
access to such knowledge

and chose to use it, right?

- Bingo.

- One man, one silver bullet.

- Alright.

So what happened
three weeks ago?

- He got replaced.

- By a bigger and
better filing clerk.

- Not quite.

A bigger and better computer.

Rimstead's job was eliminated.

An efficiency move.

His department was
totally computerized.

- Listen, do you have
a Spanish omelet?

No Spanish omelet.

You guys got no
national pride, right?

Well, listen.

Bring me the
executive breakfast.

Appreciate you.

My mother asked me to
bring back a recipe

for a Spanish omelet,

I don't have anything
to bring back.

- Alright, listen,
now about Herbie.

Wouldn't the Pentagon
find him some kind of job?

A broom, anything?

- Better.

They offered him a promotion

to take charge of
another department.

But he refused.

He didn't want to leave his
beloved filing cabinets.

- So, he decided to
leave the Pentagon

and take his well-filled
brain on a little trip, huh?

- Frankly, we don't
know what he's up to

but we do know he
needs looking after.

- For his own good, of course.

- That's about the size of it.

- Enter two of America's great
den mothers in residence,

Kelly Robinson, Alexander Scott,

who will be the best friends

that Herbie has ever
met or had, right?

That's it?

- It's top priority, boys.

Forget everything else.

Your new assignment is to
stick to Rimstead like glue.

And keep him away from Consuela.

It's a cinch she's working
for the other side.

- Well, the best procedure there

is not to give her a
chance to operate at all.

Herbie's the kind of
guy that gets hung up

on a chick like Consuela,

then what we do is
we introduce him

to a girl who's even juicier.

- That's right.

We'll bring in a well stacked
competition of our own

to keep old Herbie happy.

- That's right!

She will keep Herbie so dazzled

with the brilliance of her work

that he won't even get a
chance to think about Consuela.

- We'll find a
hand picked maiden

that is a filing clerk's dream.

- Yeah.

But who?

- Whom?

- Yes, that's what
I was trying to say

when I was so
rudely interrupted.

Hey, wait a minute! I got it!

Sits in the consulate,

on the second floor,
the third door down,

little mini skirt,
purple stockings!

- Ellie.

- Ellie!

Ellie Clarkson!

- [Alexander]
Alright, there he is.

The little guy,
with the glasses.

See him?

- Him?

- [Alexander] Yeah.

- [Ellie] That's Rimstead?

- [Alexander] That's Rimstead.

Now, listen, you went to

North High School in
Great Neck, right?

You know all about him, right?

- Well, I should.

I stayed up all night
memorizing his dossier.

- That is wonderful, honey.

Now, listen,

important thing is,
steam his glasses.

Steam his glasses as they have
never been steamed before.

It's important now, do it.

- Let's go, let's go.

Give us two minutes.

- Hey! Herb!

- Hey! Herbie Rimstead.

- Oh, hi.

- How are ya?

Listen, Herb, I
hope you're still

talking to me after last night.

I mean, I really was
kind of out of line

and I'm sorry, really.

- Oh, don't be silly!

As I already told Mr. Scott,

I already forgot all about that.

- Hey! Well, that's a relief.

Listen, come on, let me
buy you a drink anyway.

Just to salve my
conscious sort of.

How about it?

- Yeah, come on!

We'll make a whole
night of it, man,

go out on the town, you know.

- Well, gee, that's really
nice of you gentlemen.

- We'll go to Laloux.

- [Ellie] Herbie!

Herbie Rimstead!

Oh, Herbie, of all
places to run into you.

- Beg pardon?

- Oh, it's me!

Ellie Clarkson from
Great Neck, Long Island?

Me, Ellie!

- Well, how are ya?

- Oh, I'm fine, just fine.

Oh, I can't tell
you how good it is

to see a familiar face!

- Me?

- That adorable face.

Oh, Herbie!

Herbie, Herbie, Herbie!

- Oh, permit me.

This is Miss Ellie Clark,
Mr. Scott and Mr. Kelly.

- Hello, how do you do?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

- No, no, certainly not!

We were just, all three of us,

we're goin' out,
havin' a little drink.

Would you care to join us?

- Oh, no, I couldn't, really.

- Oh, come on!

I'll show you.

- Well, okay.

- That's right!

Just consider your arm twisted.

- Funny how a girl
has to come to Spain

to weasel a date out
of her favorite picture

in the whole entire scrapbook.

- Well!

- Okay, come on, gang!

- I hate to admit
this, Miss Clarkson.

- Oh, it's Ellie!

You don't really
remember me, do you?

- Frankly, no.

- How could you?

I admired you from afar.

- Okay.

[soft guitar music]

I can't understand why
I don't remember you.

- Well, actually, I was two
years behind you in high school,

but we used to wait
at the same bus stop.

Oh, not that you had
time to remember me

with all your extracurricular
activities and all.

- What kind of
extracurricular activities?

- Well, debating
society, biology club,

Boys Hi-Y, I knew
them all by heart.

- Bunsen burners!

Don't forget the Bunsen burners.

That was my chemistry club,

I was recording secretary.

- You too, huh?

I was in chemistry, myself.

Got a letter in chemistry,

hundred yard explosion.

[all laughing]

- [Ellie] That's funny!

- Little bit of an
explosion waiting

in the corner over there.

- Oh, yes!

- Oh, Herbie!

If you knew how many
times I used to look into

Miss Fedley's geometry class,

hoping to see you
at the blackboard.

- I was good in geometry.

- Oh, you were
good, you were good!

- Hey, here come the goodies!

- Alright, when you
taste the paella, man.

[screaming]

- [Woman] Oh, I'm so sorry!

Pardon me, my dear.

I don't know how I
could ever be so clumsy.

- I hear tomato really stains.

- Water, it will
take it right out!

[screaming]

[crying]

- Ellie, Ellie!

- Leave me alone!

- Ellie, come back!

Oh man, what a mess.

- This is so embarrassing!

Poor Ellie.

Can you ever forgive me?

- Oh, please, Consuela!

I know you didn't mean it.

- Perhaps you can join me
at my table for a drink

while I write a check to
cover the dry cleaning.

Let me do that much, at least.

Yes?

- [Herbie] Oh, well, alright.

I guess Ellie would
appreciate the gesture.

Excuse me.

- And then we could talk.

Somehow, after all this,
I feel like talking.

- Well, that's a terrific idea!

Listen, we'll all go
over and sit down,

we can all talk!

I'm not talked out,
are you talked out yet?

- No, I'm just starting
to break out of my shell.

- Alright!

- I'm so sorry, but as you
can see, there is no room.

I only have a table for two.

- Oh, yes, so indeed you do.

Well, perhaps we'll
just stay over here

and sulk, or
something like that.

- [Consuela] Can
you ever forgive me?

Yes?

- I got it, I got it.

- This was an excellent
year, you remember this year?

What do you think?

- I guess you'll
have to open it.

- Fine.

Oh, Herb, there
you go again, Herb!

Always fallin' down.

Tell you what, honey,

send a check for the cleaning

and we'll call it square.

[playful music]

- Did you check with Ellie?

- Yes, I certainly did.

She's fine.

She'll never talk to me
again, but she's fine.

How's our man Rip
Van Winkle doin'?

- Well, he's comin' around.

Slowly but unsurely.

- Wow, he really believes old
Consuela's hung up on him.

- She never gives up, you know?

- Well.

Neither do we, man.

And we're not gonna take
anymore chances either.

From now on, he gets to
pick his own dream girl.

[Herbie groaning]

- He's going to join us.

- Isn't that wonderful?

- Mama.

Mama, mama.

- You don't have an old bottle?

- Don't start with that.

Don't start with me.

- Well, he's callin'
for his mother,

why don't you get him
some milk in a bottle?

[ominous music]

- You know we have a deadline.

- [Consuela] Yes.

- Herbert Rimstead is
no ordinary assignment.

The information he
has is invaluable.

- I know.

- Then what seems
to be your problem?

Rimstead has been replaced
by his government.

He's a bitter man.

You area beautiful woman.

- A man's defection
is not easily bought.

It's a matter of time.

- How much time?

- Perhaps by tomorrow.

Tomorrow night.

- Alright.

Otherwise I will
have to consider

that you have failed.

And I do not wish to
consider that, Consuela.

Neither do you.

- Just a question of getting him

away from his little friends.

- Yes.

Mr. Scott and Mr. Robinson.

Agents, of course. You know.

I could be of some help there.

- No.

Violence is no way to
that little man's heart.

- Then no violence.

That is, unless necessary.

And that, my dear, is up to you.

[ominous music]

- Feelin' better now?

- Mhmm.

- Boy, Herb, you know, I
feel terrible about this.

Seems like I've just wrecked

your vacation single-handed.

- Oh, that's okay.

I've had a lot of fun.

- You like Spain, huh?

- Oh, yes!

It's a wonderful place for a
man to let his spirit run free.

- Level with us now.

What was it with the other one?

Blessed heart or broken
marriage or what was it?

- No, I lost my job.

I was replaced by a machine.

Can you imagine that?!

A machine!

Still can't believe it.

I came here to prove to
myself, once and for all,

that I was better than any
machine that was ever built,

prove that I'm a man.

Spain is romantic, so.

- So you came here looking
for your dream girl.

- Yeah.

- Well, at least you got,

I mean, you do have
one, don't you?

I mean, a dream girl like that.

What's she look like?

- Well, she's pretty.

- That's good thinking.

- But that's not the
most important thing.

- Pretty and everything,

but she's also gotta
be well built, right?

- He's a built man.

- Sure, that too.

But the most important thing

is she has to be kind
and understanding,

somebody I can talk to.

- Intelligent.

- Oh, yes! That
goes without saying.

She has to like to go to
museums and art galleries.

Well-read, has to be well-read.

- Yeah, Shakespeare,
Tolstoy, Keats, Hemingway?

- Edgar Allan Poe.

She has to be especially
crazy about Edgar Allan Poem,

that's a thing with me.

- Edgar Allan Poe, huh?

[sophisticated music]

- The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe,

"Once upon a midnight dreary,

"while I pondered
weak and weary,

"Over many a quaint and curious
volume of forgotten lore,

"While I nodded, nearly napping,

"suddenly, there came a tapping

"As of someone gently rapping,

"rapping at my chamber door."

[classical dance music]

- Oh, your friends are right,

you are too much!

- I like to think so.

Consuela!

- My car is outside, we
can go out the back door.

- Huh?

- Please, Herb, I
have to see you.

- Oh, but my date.

I can't just go off and--

- Please, Herbie,
I'm in trouble!

- In trouble?

- Yes.

Because of you.

- Me?!

Oh, well, alright.

I just hope everybody
will understand.

- He's not here?!

He's not with you either?

- Who?

- Herbie!

I can't find him anywhere!

- You gotta be kidding.

- No!

We were dancing and
all of a sudden, gone.

- Wait, wait, wait,
wait, later, baby.

Hey, look.

Guess who?

That back exit there.

- Ah, boy.

- Gee, Consuela.

When you said you
were in trouble,

I thought it was
something important.

- A heart that's
been torn to pieces,

isn't that important
enough for you?

- I don't think I
know what you mean.

- Herbie, try to understand.

I'm in love with you.

- You're in love with me?

- Madly.

I am terrified of this
feeling I have for you.

- Consuela, do you
really mean that?

- Now you know why
I had to see you.

Be kind to me.

- Oh, yes.

[jazz music]

- Great Neck, is that
the name of a city?

- No, it's a peninsula that
sticks into Long Island sound.

I think the Indians named it.

- Indians?

- Oh, not anymore.

It's a perfectly safe place now.

Very beautiful, too.

You'll like it very much.

- I will cook for you.

- Right!

My mother cooks.

- Tell me more about Great Neck!

- Oh, it was a wonderful
place to grow up.

It's only 17 miles
from New York City.

Imagine being only 45 minutes
from the public library

and the Museum of
Natural History.

- I guess you'll be
going back soon, no?

- Oh, no! I don't mind
staying out late tonight.

[laughing]

- No, that's not what I meant.

I meant the United States.

Aren't you going back to your
job with the government, no?

- Oh, no, not anymore.

As a matter of fact, I don't
know what my plans are.

- It is a beautiful spot, no?

- Oh, yes! Beautiful!

Very peaceful.

- Herbie?

Did you have many
girls before me?

- Oh, no, not really.

There was a Miss Garflein
in central filing,

used to walk down
the hall together.

- I'm sure she was
very beautiful.

- Well, she was taller.

But there was never
anything between us,

she was very tall.

- Herbie.

Look into my eyes.

- I don't know what got into me.

- We'll go to my apartment now.

We light a fire.

- I know how to do that.

- Come on.

[speaking Spanish]

You will like my apartment.

It's very close to
the house of Don Juan.

Don Juan is a very
romantic chapter

for the history of Sevilla.

- Oh, I know.

I read all about it
in my guide book.

[engine failing]

- I couldn't be out of petrol.

- Maybe you flooded
it, try it again.

[engine failing]

[speaking Spanish]

Maybe I better take a look.

Engines are really quite simple,

it's just a matter of getting
your nomenclature down pat.

Hey, that's funny.

- What is it?

- The rotor is missing
from the distributor!

- Oh, I'm sorry!

- What's the matter?

Can't you return a
simple distributor cap

without tripping
over your own feet?

- You!

- Oh, I believe this is what
you're looking for, my dear!

You take it, and you take
him and I'll get the car.

[car hood slamming]

- Consuela.

Consuela!

- Consuela?

- Whatever happened to mama?

- What do you think?

- Oh, boy!

- Hi, Herb!

Guess who?

- You ready to get up yet, Herb?

- Get up slow now.

Here's your specs.

Don't bump into anything.

Okay.

- Okay, fellas.

No more games, okay?

I mean, I just don't think
my head can take anymore.

- Well, now, listen Herb,

we realize we've
made a few mistakes,

but that's not fair to say,

what are you talking
about, no more games?

- Don't you think I
know what the score is?

Don't you think I
know how valuable

a man with my knowledge is to
the enemies of our country?

Don't you think I know
exactly what you're up to?

And Consuela?

And Ellie?

And the rumba dancer?

Certainly was fun
while it lasted.

Don't you think I know
exactly who you are?

Alexander Scott
and Kelly Robinson,

signed as undercover agents

May the 15th and August
12th of 1964, respectively,

covered international
tennis competitor

and traveling companion,

salaries at the G4 level

payable monthly by cash,

deposited in bank accounts
along with expense per diem.

I handled your records
in central filing.

- He knows, the man knows.

- Yes, indeed he does.

Herbie, what was the reason then

for this gross masquerade?

This charade?

What were you putting us on for?

- Well, I'm sorry

but there's something
you'll have to understand.

See, a man like me,
a man with my looks

and a man like me,

well, you just don't
know what it means to me

to have a girl like Consuela
make such a big fuss over me.

Even if it is just a big act.

No, no please!

It's a fact of life
and I accept it.

I don't have much of a way
with women, I never have.

Oh, one more thing, gentlemen.

In order to spare my aching
head any more discomforts,

let me assure you that my
loyalty was never at stake,

just my masculine instinct.

- Well, Herbie, we just didn't
want them to get out of line.

Surely, you can understand that.

- Oh, of course.

- Alright, listen,
we'll give you a call

first thing in the morning,

other than that, just
cool it, alright?

- Alright, thank you.

- Gentlemen, please.

Get your hands in the air.

Stop him!

- Boy, is he having
a bad run of luck.

[speaking foreign language]

[playful music]

Hey.

- What?

- Have you got a plan?

- Nope.

- Try.

- Try what?

- Well, try to think of a plan.

It's your turn, you know.

- Have some breakfast.

When we were kids, we used to
shave ice and put them inside

and mash them all up, like that.

And then suck the juice
out through the ice.

- Listen, listen.

- What?

- We must have a plan soon

because we are expendable.

Herb Rimstead is not.

- We're expendable
and Rimstead is not?

Now, I'm glad that
you feel that way,

I know that's official policy.

- Well, it's true, that's
what the department said.

- Yeah, but that's what
Rimstead says, not what I said.

We'll get out.

- Why don't you
look out the window?

- What for?

- So we can see what's
on the other side?

- [Kelly] Just a patch of blue.

If we find out what's on
the other side, then what?

Would we have a plan?

- Yes.

We'll definitely have a plan.

- Alright.

Come on, then.

Okay, then! Let's have it then.

Alley-oop!

- What're you talkin'
about, alley-oop?

- [Kelly] Alley-oop!

- No good!

- [Kelly] What?

- It's my turn to get on top.

- Don't be silly, come on!

Alley-oop!

Don't make me stand here
holdin' it up in the air.

- When we break out of a place,

you always climb up on me.

I wanna get out of
here first this time.

- [Kelly] Listen, Alexander,
you know why that is.

Alright.

Now, go right in there.

Just straighten yourself.

You gonna eat that
thing while I'm tryin'

to climb up on this wall?

- Might as well, I can't dance.

- I think it's too high anyway.

Alright, here we go!

- Set me on fire.

- One more!

- Are you on me?

Are you on me?

Okay.

Not my hair.

Over, come over.

- Come over to me now.

[chattering]

You're beautiful.

I'm lousy up here,
but you're beautiful!

Hold it!

Back up just a touch.

- You're kidding.

- No, back up yourself!

Right there.

- See anybody?

- Alright, hold still.

- Do you see anything?

- No, man, it's too high!

Go back.

I'm sorry to have troubled
your backbone in this fashion.

Back up, back up.

Darn!

- Listen, you know what?

- Give me a piece of this thing.

- You know what?

- What?

- We need a ladder.

If we can get a ladder--

- Well, we got a
bunch of stone walls.

Let's break 'em all down
and build some stairs.

Come on, just settle down

and have yourself
some more breakfast.

Here, for yourself.

That's nailed down
tighter than a tick.

Here we go.

- Can't eat the breakfast, man.

- What?

- I cannot eat breakfast.

- Why not?

- Because this is gonna
build us a mounting, you see,

to the window.

- True, true.

Okay!

[playful music]

- I now crown the
mountain, Vitamin C.

- Okay, come on.

Oh, man!

Will you be careful
with my mountain?!

Okay, you hit it.

Ready?

- Ready.

- Nice crouch, now.

- It's nice.

- Okay.

- Alright.

Get ready.

Never catch a cold
runnin' up that mountain.

- You better believe it.

- Here we go!

- Usually, when we
want orange juice,

we slice them first and then
we put them in a machine.

Listen, you know, if
we had a bunch of eggs,

we could stick 'em in
the side with straws

and we could open a
stand or somethin'.

- Ah.

- Well, you made a
terrific try, I thought.

- Well, gentlemen.

I see that you have been keeping
yourselves well occupied.

- Well, how do you
do, Mr. Beardface?

- Sokolov.

Nicolai Sokolov.

I deal in imports, exports.

- Well, have some breakfast.

Won't you join us?

- You have failed.

- What on earth is
he talking about?

- Please, Mr. Scott.

We both know that your
looking after Mr. Rimstaed

showed a definite lack
of professional skill.

And I'm certain
that your associates

at the Pentagon would agree.

- Well, that's assuming
if Herbie will cooperate.

- Believe me, I think he will
be most anxious to cooperate.

Come, this way.

Eventually, we have
much to talk about.

- What about?

- Your life history.

The life history of
your fellow agents,

the current disposition of
your country's spy apparatus.

Actually, the same questions
you would be asking

if you were holding the gun.

Go.

- I just wish I had a nickel

for every time we've been
asked those questions

by a different guy, don't you?

- Now.

- I'm telling you,
you're wasting your time.

- We shall see.

- My mother always said I was
stubborn, and she was right.

- Make peace.

- Well, at least
this is a better room

to get locked in anyway.

- I take it everybody
knows everybody else.

- Kelly! Scott!

- Hey, Herbie!

- I'm sorry, fellas.

It's my fault.

Little Herbie, the mouse
who wanted to be a lion.

- You were pretty good, Herbie.

- I was just telling
the gentleman,

it won't do any good to
cause me unnecessary pain,

I refuse to tell you anything.

- Believe me, you will talk.

- I don't think so.

- You will talk.

If you permit me to illustrate.

- My pain threshold
is very high.

I remember once during my
senior year in high school,

no, my junior year,

I was on the debating
team, broke my leg.

- Well, the lady's
come to gloat.

- Seems silly, doesn't it?

A debater breaking his leg.

But I did!

I fell off the podium
into the orchestra.

Broke it in three places.

But I got up and indeed,

I finished my
extemporaneous statement.

I still remember the
topic, resolved--

- Talk, now!

- Resolved: the communist--

- You will talk if I have to
crush your fingers like grapes!

- Stop it!

- Consuela?

Consuela!

[gunshot]

- Beautiful, sweetheart!

- Who's got the keys
for these things?

- Arturo, there.

- Consuela, what are you doing?!

- Helping the man I love!

Release him.

- [Herbie] Is that really you?

- Yes, Herbie.

I've had much time to think.

This Great Neck of yours sounds

really like a marvelous place,

if it brings such men
like you into the world.

I'd like very much to see it.

Oh, my poor, brave Herbie.

- Did you really
mean what you said,

about wanting to see Great Neck?

- Oh, yes, Herbie!

Yes, yes, yes!

- Wow.

Wait'll I write mother

to start looking for
her own apartment.

- Herbie, I love you.

- I know.

[dramatic music]

[men fighting]

- I still say pawn
to the rook five.

- Are you kidding?

That's exactly what Leonovitch
would want me to do, man!

- What are you yelling about?

You notice always when you
yell it means you're losin'?

- I'm not losin'!

Nobody's losin',

I may be playin' badly,
but I'm not losin'.

[knocking]

Answer the door.

- Come in!

Hey!

- Hello.

- Just us.

- Well, you guys ready to leave

for the airport, already?

- Mr. Barnes has a car waiting.

- Your Pentagon
is most efficient.

I've never seen anyone so eager

to fly a girl for 3,000 miles

just to listen to
her life story!

- [Herbie] And by
the way, Kelly,

I brought this for you.

It's sort of a remembrance.

- Well, gee, that's
very nice, Herb.

- You don't like it.

- Hey, come on!

I didn't say I didn't like it!

Don't be silly.

Of course, it's very nice.

Let me see.

- Come on, darling,
let him have it.

- Well, alright.

[vase crashing]

[playful music]

- Howdy-do!

Hello, hello, hello!

Listen, listen, now
repeat after me.

Say, mama.

Mama.

- Mother.

- No, no, mama.

[Kelly groaning]

- Ma.

- Yeah, yeah.

[dramatic music]