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ABOUT JOAN

Directed by Laurent Larivière

My name is Joan. Joan Verra.

It sounds masculine in French,

but it's common in Ireland,
my father's country.

It's spelled J-O-A-N.

But I hate being called Joanne.

It always happens.

Some even pronounce it John,
like John Wayne! Absurd.

It's Joan.

I was born in the early 60s.

My parents met in Saint-Nazaire.

My mother was a fairly free young woman,

very much in love.

My father left Ireland at 18

to work in the shipyards.

He met my mother
at the launch of the liner France,

on May 11th, 1960.

I believed there was proof
of that moment.

But there wasn't.

I was even sure I'd held the photo

of them both next to the ship

in the joyful crowd.

It's absurd.

That image was purely in my mind.

I'd heard the story so often,
it had become real.

That's also how memories are made.

What do you want?

That's good.

Two...

Three...

Four...

We've been worried sick!

Don't start.

Come here, my baby.

Nathan is the best thing in my life.

All mothers say that,
but for me it's true.

It isn't true that he saved my life

or gave it meaning.

I don't believe all that nonsense.

We know life has no meaning,

with offspring or without.

Ma'am, your cigarette.

Oh, yes, sorry.

Take him, Dad.

Tim Ardenne speaking.

- It's me.
- Yes?

Who?

You must have the wrong number, madam.

Miss.

I'm sorry, miss, I don't have time now.

My wife has vanished.

I say my wife, but we're not married.

I hate the idea of belonging.

It's just quicker.

Yes, I understand, of course.

She left one night, like that.

Almost without warning.

She just told me, "Don't worry."

Those words are ideal
to make someone worry, aren't they?

It wasn't very wise of her.

I'm sorry, my love.

It's all right.

I can come right away if you want.

No, really, it's ok.

It does me good being here.

One more time.

I need a volunteer.

Your weakness, James?

Off the top of my head, my generosity.
I'm too genuine.

It often deceives me.

He means in this exercise

in particular.

Any ideas?

He neglects his back.

Exactly.

I told him. It's the same at mah-jong.

From the beginning.

That man's not very nice.

Why do you say that?

Grandpa's always on the floor.

Grandpa agrees to it.

One more time.

Learn to fall, to pick yourself up.

Talk about a life metaphor.

When you fall,
you hurt yourself, period.

They lie to us, Nathan.

What's she up to?

Nearly ready.

What took so long?

I couldn't find my bag, sorry.

Let's go.

I tried my best to resist.

But it's uncontrollable.

I feel as if

I'm living again.

Not that I felt dead before.

Or sad or anything.

I was already very happy.

But now...

It's much more.

Who knows where it'll lead,

but I have to experience it.

You can't even communicate.

You're wrong.

We communicate perfectly.

Our bodies do the talking.
They speak the truth.

That's a load of crap, Mum.

And Dad?

I love James. I'll always love him.

That's not the issue.

Actually, I think it is.

You must tell him.

No.

You have to tell him.
I refuse to keep it to myself.

You really want that?

I want nothing.

Face your responsibilities.

You have to go now, darling.

I cannot postpone anything,

even if the night weighs like centuries

on my shoulders,

even if hesitant dawn is late in coming,

I cannot put off my life

to another century,

nor my love,

nor my cry of release.

No, I cannot postpone the heart.

What's going on?

I didn't want it to be like this.

I wanted to drop this off

before coming back.

I'm leaving, James.

To go where? What is this?

I'm leaving, that's it.

That's it?

That's all?

I'm moving to Japan with Kazuo.

Kazuo?

To Japan?

You know I love you.

Yes, I know.

I love you too.

I've nothing against you.

Almost nothing.

I've seen the solicitor.

You get my father's firm.
You'll lack nothing.

I renounce my status
as a mother and wife.

It's too hasty.
You don't know what to expect.

I can't miss out on my life.

You're lucky.

Hello?

Hello, it's me.

Nathan?

It's night there,
aren't you asleep?

No, I'm not. I'm in France.

In Paris?

No, I'm not in Paris.
I took a train to the station in...

What's that little station
10 km from the house?

Why didn't you tell me?

Surprise.

I have to pick you up?

I don't want to bother you,
you're busy...

I can go back to Montreal.

Don't be so touchy.
I'm on my way.

No, I'm kidding.

I hitched.
I'm at Mariposa, at the gate.

My son!

Joan.

You can call me Mum.

You used to hate that.

I was too young to be a mother then.

I need to get back to basics.

Honoured to be part of that.

- What?
- You're very elegant.

- Stop.
- You've changed. Your walk...

You're more self-confident.

It's the snow.

It's down to snowshoes,
not confidence.

How can you stand the snow?

It hit -27° C in Montreal last winter.

I don't think I could.

You must come to see us one day.

Why are you here?

Did Tim ask you to come?

You know he didn't.

Is the small bedroom ok?

Your childhood room, I mean.

There's a big bed now.

Anything suits me.

It'll bring back memories.

It's locked.

The handle turns the other way around,
remember.

Drat...

Silly me, the key's in the vase.

I don't know where it is.

Never mind. Who cares?

The guest room suits me fine, ok.

That unsettled me a lot as a kid.

True, it is a bit raunchy.

I'd forgotten how beautiful it is.

I feel I haven't been here in ages.

I can confirm that.

Sorry I missed your retirement party.

It's better this way.
I'd rather see you alone.

Me too. It's been ages?

Yes.

I hesitated.

Should I come or not?

It's good you're here.

It was a horrible party.

I hated it.

Solemn farewells, forced compliments...

What a drag.

All I miss are the manuscripts.

They send me a few now and then.

There's good stuff this year.

I forgot,
you only read scientific texts.

No.

On the plane, I read a book of Tim's
I had lying around.

Tim Ardenne's books don't lie around.

Which one?

A book about trains
and wrong directions...

Steel and Sweat.

- Did you like it?
- Yes.

I really liked his description
of the female character.

Is it you?

He claims it is.

But you know him.

Has he always loved you?

Yes.

"As he walked,

"her bright face
was continually before him.

"It was madness to think of such purity.

"He had known vice and kindness,

"but never purity."

Purity... That's me to a T.

Careful!

"Die...

"That's what you have to do.

"That is the only way

"to truly gain access to life.

"One does not live

"if one is not prepared to die.

"Missing your own death

"would be worse than anything else."

Mr Ardenne?

Tim?

Yes?

Dying as the only way

to truly gain access to life.

That's quite contradictory.

Yes.

You think so?

I guess it is.

If it requires explanation...

It's all in here.

The last part of the book is very funny.

The surprising thing

is that people in France
laugh as much as they do in Germany.

Could you define comedy for us?

Absolutely not.

But you agree the ending is funny?

I can't stop people from laughing.

What makes a good book for you?

Alcohol.

Is your success based
on a misunderstanding?

I don't think we're loved or hated
for the right reasons.

Ever.

You first write in French,

then again in German.

Isn't that a little strange?

I'd rather end the interview.

I'm suffering too much.

Why are you suffering?

I'm in love, you understand?

That's wonderful!

I love Joan Verra.

Your French publisher?

She discovered me.

Fantastic.

She doesn't love me.

I'm sure she likes you.

The title, The Misery of Beautiful Days,
where is it from?

She doesn't love me.

She likes me.

She often says so.

That's something, I suppose.

She can even say, "I like you a lot."

And that's really...

That's really unbearable.

Let's stop.

It's for the best.

I'll see you again soon.

Off line, thank you.

Why are you here?

I had some free time.

Rubbish, you can't skip school.

Go back to Paris. I'm busy.

He takes up all my energy.
I'm working.

It's ok, I know you're working.

I'm not a child. I can manage on my own.

How was I?

Devastating.

I could've shed real tears, you know.

It would've been no use.

You have no emotions.

I have emotions,
but different from yours.

Forgive me.

- What paid for your ticket?
- Your jewels.

Stupid.

What's wrong now?

I won't sign this crap.

It's your first novel.

It was a rough draft.

The book is important for me.

It changed my life. Literally.

It's a masterpiece.

A masterpiece?

Nathan, please.

I felt brought back to life,
thanks to this book.

I rediscovered my vitality.

Through the life of a garbageman
crushed to death by his truck?

She seems moved.

Good for her.

And I have no emotions?

You're all pissing me off!

I can sign it if you like.

I can imitate his signature perfectly.

Are you ok?

It's here.

I feel it seeping in.

It's harder and harder.

Each time, it's harder.

What is?

Dying.

Haven't you ever died?

Never.

I knew it. You can't understand.

Give me your hand.

Things end.

That's how it is. They end.
You must accept it.

You have to be strong.
Promise me?

I promise.

Beyond the grave,

I'll still love you.

He's a handful.

It'd be no fun if he wasn't.

Can you stand him?

I actually find him touching in a way.

You're like the moon and I'm the sun.

Touching?

He has his qualities.

Come on!

Move it!

Don't you want to call a taxi?

No use, we're only five minutes away.

I'm in pain and I'm tired.

Joan!

Joan...

I owe you an apology.

That's true.

For my behaviour, not for my love.

- Tim...
- Let me speak.

It won't take long
and I'll only say it once.

I won't repeat this.
After,

I'll leave you in peace.

Living without you is unbearable.

Yet I try to break away from you.
I really try.

But I can't.

I've always tried
to be independent of women,

to limit their power over me.

I felt in control of my feelings.

But then...

you arrived in my life
and I realized nothing I had lived...

nothing...

had any real value.

All that mattered
was being by your side.

Or not too far away.

Like these last few years.

I also know that I'm unbearable.

I understand
that you feel like slapping me.

Go ahead.

What are you doing in Cologne?

Three days apart was too much?

I can't believe that.

You searched my office?

You read my notebooks?

Of course you did.

I never would have.

Did you enjoy it?

Yes, I enjoyed it.

Did you learn anything?

You bet.

Such as what?

About you and Doug.

You won't say Dad?

Why would I?

I don't know what you learned.

I never lied to you. I told you...

everything.

In general.

Now I know the details.

The magic of a first love.

Irony doesn't suit you.

You're hurt.

There's stuff on me
I don't like.

I'm listening.

"Friday, July 10th.

"I fear Nathan may turn superficial,
focused on his appearance."

Nice.

"Each hair he counts on his chest

"is a personal victory."

I never did that. It's humiliating.

So don't read it.

This is less well written, I feel.

You're the expert.

Don't be mean.

I'm not.

- Please...
- Hold on.

Enough.

If you came about your puberty,
I don't have time.

I came cos you fell asleep one day.

One summer. In August.

Where is it?

You fell asleep.

Why?

Out of carelessness?

I forbid you to say that.

You forbid me?

Can I have a drag?

- You smoke?
- No.

How long did it last?

I don't know.

How long was I unconscious?
Ten minutes? Fifteen?

I've no idea.

I remember it seemed endless.

Without the fire brigade...

You weren't going to tell me?

No.

You're well, in shape.
Nothing else matters.

You can't even remember it.
What are you after?

You need reassuring, is that it?

Yes.

Doubt my love and I'll kill you.

Same again, please. Vodka tonic.

It burns? That's good.

It explodes in your head.

Perfect.

You've drunk before, right?

It's the first time?

You've always been a bit behind.

Nathan, you're a young man now.
You'll be a real man soon.

I won't talk sex with you.

No.

Listen to me.

Your schooling in the next five years

will determine your future.

Do your learning now while you can.

In five years, it'll be too late.

Knowing you,
you'll realize and find it unbearable.

I won't be able to help, obviously.

Obviously.

You'll have to face problems alone.

I'll be there if you need me,
but that won't help.

We have to face things alone.

But you know that, right?

No.

Come on.

Others' looks shouldn't matter.

It's about your life.

Stop it.

Nathan?

Nathan, are you awake?

If you have a long nap now,
you'll be a mess.

You won't sleep tonight.

Nathan?

Can you hear me?

Yes?

We had an appointment?

Do I need one to see my mother?

Of course not.
Sorry. My head's stuffed with work!

I'll come back later.

Champagne? Why?

I forgot your birthday again?

No.

I had an interview.

For a lab?
You never said.

I wanted to be sure.

So guess who they chose.

Your son.

Wonderful! I'm proud of you.

Now I'll have access to real resources,

unlike what I have now,

and with a totally free rein.

And I'll be heading a team.

My dream come true.

I have to admit,
it's scary to think about,

so I try not to.

You'll do brilliantly.

It's a real dream. The building

is modern, centralized.

It's state-of-the-art over there.

Over there?

It's in Montreal.

Joan?

If you're happy...

It's good.

I need a cigarette.

You have one.

I need another.

You don't seem pleased.

I am. I'm very happy for you.

But seeing you leave...

Children leave their parents.

Sooner or later.

I'm 30, after all.

So?

Forgive me. I'm being stupid.

I'll come back often.

You can visit too.
You don't know Quebec.

It's really nice.

Want that champagne?

I'll get the glasses.

Where were you?

An errand in the village.

- On foot?
- Yes.

Whatever for?

"Did you rest, dear?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Your jet lag from the flight
to see your mum?"

"I'll get over it soon."

"Will it be sunny?"

I hate when you do that!

I was worried sick.

Why, exactly?

I'm a big boy now.

Why leave me alone?

I couldn't sleep,

you weren't around
and I needed a walk.

I was here.

You can't vanish like that.

I didn't vanish.

Mum, calm down.

No, I don't want to!

Find something to do, I'll tidy up.

If you came to mess me about,

pack up and go back to Montreal.

Drop it.

Still like doughnut peaches?

Yes.

I got some for you.
Was it a good idea?

I wonder.

"He had finally met her.

"The woman,

"the one he had waited for
without realizing it,

"the one destined for him.

"He had looked into her soul

"and had grasped
her rare special something,

"as beautiful as the eyes reflecting it,

"as beautiful as the flesh embodying it.

"Not one word, not one sign,

"not one word of advice from the Divine
had guided him.

"He didn't believe in the Divine.

"There was no beyond.

"He was sure of it.

"Life had to be lived,

"here and now,
before sinking into the void."

It's magnificent.

You can't deny it.

It's great, easy to read.

Very pleasant.

Pleasant?

- Is that an insult?
- Not at all.

You certainly don't disappoint us.

Really,
it's exactly what we expect of you.

You must be very pleased.

You insult me so naturally.

I was bored stiff!
It's the same recipe.

I've read it ten times before.

I may be wrong, but this line...

"There was no beyond.
He was sure of it.

"Life had to be lived, here and now,
before sinking into the void."

Wasn't that in your last novel?

And the one before too?

I assert a right to repetition.

People will end up realizing
I've only written one book

that took on different forms.

All great artists dig a furrow.

More like a tunnel.

The train driver
blending with his engine,

you call that new?

He doesn't die,
crushed by the machine.

I guess...

Show me your breasts?

No.

You hesitated.

Of course, you turn me on
and that annoys me.

But I know your game.

Sex as a diversionary tactic

is pathetic.

The first part,
the kid watching trains,

who cares?

We want to be on the tracks.

We want movement!

And the affair with his boss' wife...

Talk about tasteless!

It compromises the ending.

We need a rewrite.

Hello?

It's the Saint-Nazaire housing office.

I'm calling about overdue rent
on apartment B14 at Ambroise Paré.

There must be some mistake.
I don't understand.

You are Madeleine Verra's daughter?

It must be a homonym.

My mother moved to Japan
over twenty years ago.

She was Madeleine Joséphine Verra,

née Saulet on October 14, 1942,

in Saint-Nazaire

who died last week?

Hello?

Yes...

You need to clear the apartment.
There's a waiting list. Sorry.

Yes, all right.

We get a lot of deaths here.

But hers really wasn't fair.

People liked her.
She helped out a lot.

They'd leave her their kids.

She'd babysit for a bit of money.

She needed it.

I never saw anyone so good with kids.

What a joke...

We invited her once for Christmas.
Something simple.

She refused.

That wasn't nice.
We did it for her sake.

You accept an invitation.

We'll bring them back later.

It's the last door.

I'm here.

What the hell was she doing here?

What is this shit?

When did she come back?

These are her rent receipts.

The oldest one is from November 1989.

That's over fifteen years ago.

How come she never told us?

What did we do to deserve this?

It's sick. I was alone with Nathan.

It's really sick.

Don't say that.

Who knows what happened.

Nothing, apparently.

She'd planned her own funeral.

A long time ago.

On arriving back here.

She even deprived us of her death.

Her ashes were scattered

in the local cemetery.

There's a sealed envelope.

Excuse me,
the garden of remembrance, please?

Over there.
The memorial area is being remodelled.

Thank you.

Memorial area...

"Joan, my darling little girl,

"Don't seek an explanation
in these words.

"Life is elusive.

"I have no answers. I regret nothing.

"Leaving for Japan
was a wonderful adventure.

"You've no idea how...

"how...

"happy I was there.

"I found my place and culture.
It's so beautiful.

"Cherry blossom season is magical.

"Kazuo and I opened
a small bonsai tree shop.

"I became a specialist,
almost a celebrity.

"Just think, a European

"outdoing the Japanese
in their ancient art.

"They'd cross the country to see me.

"But Kazuo piled up gambling debts.

"He owed money to Yakuza.

"As he couldn't pay,
he became their henchman.

"But he kept gambling.

"I found all that out
when we had to flee.

"We moved to South Korea.

"We lived humbly, but we were in love.

"That was the main thing."

Even in death, she lies.

"I'm lying, of course.
I lie in writing this.

"Should I say that I made a mistake,

"that Kazuo was always a total asshole,

"and that I lived in solitude and shame?

"Frankly, which version do you prefer?

"I never stopped thinking of you all,

"refusing to admit my weakness
and my failure.

"Make your life magical,

"my darling little girl.

"I've been happy, you know.

"Remember that. I loved living."

"I would like the dead

"to stay dead.

"Why should they rule over me?

"Beauty is alive

"and it is eternal."

"Beauty is alive and it is eternal."

You believe that?

No.

All the same...

What do we drink to?

We drink to my mother, I suppose.

And to Japan.

We should have brought sake
to drink on her grave.

That would have had style.

We did a new experiment.

We managed to erase a memory
in a brain.

No!

A mouse's brain.

Can mice swim?

Yes, very well.

But that's not the issue.

We put a plastic platform in the pool,

the same colour as the liquid.

Very hard to see.

The mouse has to find it to rest on it.

It's the only solution.

It takes time, but she finds it.

- Poor thing.
- What?

You hate mice.

The next day,

we do it again
with the same mouse

who remembers everything.

She swims straight to the platform

without hesitation.

She knows where it is.

She has learned.

Fascinating.

Day three, we start again.

But we inject a substance
that blocks the memory.

I knew torture would be involved.

She totally forgot her memories.

It's as if she has lost her memory.

She swims and swims.

She swims.

She swims...

She swims...

Mum...

Mum?

It's over.

You shouldn't have died.

No one dies aged six.

Sorry.

Sorry.

It's not your fault.

Of course it is.

No.

You were so young.

You're so handsome.

My little mum...

It'll be ok.

It'll be ok.

After you died, it all fell apart.

I was lost.

What should I do?

I was waiting for who knows what.

Then one day, at a street corner,
you appeared.

As if nothing had happened.

The way you do so well.

It was obvious. A secret.

Our secret.

Exactly.

The grief faded and I accepted it.

You did well to summon me.

As if I had a choice.

True, at first,
it scared me a little.

Everything scares you a little.

Not true!

You hypocrite.

I'm a hypocrite?

Coming from you?

Did you see him again?

- Who?
- You know who.

Your father?

Yes, in Paris, on the street, by chance.

What's he like?

He has aged. He has changed.

Like me, I suppose.

No.

You're sweet.

You didn't tell him?

That you had been born
and that you died? No.

There was no need.

It was cruel.

I've no idea.

Maybe I should have.

I don't know.

It's a beautiful house.

It was.

What are you doing alone in the dark?

Nothing.

Did you fight again?

Yes.

Over a girl again?

Why then?

She has soft skin.

That's no reason.

How do you know her skin's soft?

I hold her hand and the skin
under her wrist is soft.

Where do you get your aggressiveness?

Not from me anyhow.

My father, maybe?

No.

No, Doug wasn't like that.

I think you have to know
how to defend yourself in life.

I must tell you something, my love.

What?

Your presence has helped
all these years.

I know. I noticed.

But I need you to leave now.

I can manage differently.

I can tell.

You want me to go?

Are you sad?

No.

I can tell you are. I'm your mother.

Is it over then?

Yes.

You came.

You're stubborn.

I sensed I had to.

Are you ok?

I'll be fine.

The stairs creak a bit?

Part of the charm of an old house.

Old stones, creaking stairs,
banging shutters.

- Why bother otherwise?
- I love it.

Me too.

This room faces south-west
and is sunny all day.

The view is wonderful.

There's direct access to the kitchen.

Maybe we could demolish this
to open the kitchen to the dining room.

Good idea.

Isn't it a bearing wall?

Behind the cupboards, yes,
but you can put in an IPN beam.

But this one can go.

And the roof?

It's great.

In good condition?

Never a problem.

I'll let you talk it over.

Feel free to go back upstairs.

Any questions, I'll be in the garden.

- See you shortly.
- Thank you.

Is there a manual in German?

No, my dear friend, only in French.

You told them I was your gardener?

Yes, I suggested
making you part of the deal.

Not gifted, but cheap.

I'm flattered.

Are they interested?

Hard to say. The husband's fussy.

I said I had someone
coming back tomorrow with an offer.

That's not true.

Yes, but it got them thinking.

Why mow a lawn
since the grass always grows back?

It's the cycle of life, right?

So that's it.

Life.

How much longer?

I love you, Mr Tim Ardenne.

You saved my life, sir.

It was an honour to meet you.

No, we said we'd never say such things.

I might cry.

My bad.

As a child, I hated daylight.
It terrified me.

Now, I find it reassuring.

We should move closer to the poles.

Go where the sun never sets?

Good idea.

Greenland.

We'd live in an igloo.

We'd cut holes in the ice to fish.

You hate the cold,

but I'll buy you thick sweaters
and scarves.

Woollen ones.

And a woolly hat too.

It would suit you.

Subtitling TITRAFILM