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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,200 CONNOR: Ah, it's breaking my back! 2 00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:04,360 Here. Take that through, son. 3 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:06,000 SIGHS 4 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,280 Have a lifetime of arthritis, won't we? 5 00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:10,960 Looks like we've got the place to ourselves for once. 6 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,440 Aw! Were you hoping for a catch-up with the girls? 7 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:16,240 No. Stuart, think about it. I am. 8 00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:19,320 When do we ever get time alone? 9 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:22,480 Once Connor's done his bits, we could ask our Ciaron. 10 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:27,000 Well... we could bribe our Ciaron to come and get him, and then... 11 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,760 You can say goodbye to the place in peace. 12 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,320 No. 13 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:33,520 Stuart, no. 14 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:36,800 YVETTE: Hiya! What are you doing here? 15 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:40,600 Oh, nice to see you, too (!) And why are you so dolled up? 16 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:42,880 I-I'm... I'm just gonna, er... 17 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:44,520 CONNOR AND STUART CHATTER 18 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,520 I hope you haven't got Austin up there with you. 19 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:50,480 Nicole, I've told you, I don't want Ursula to find out about that. 20 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:51,960 What, the two people closest to her, 21 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,000 her sister and her husband, going behind her back? 22 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:55,800 Hmm, three. You kept it to yourself, 23 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,040 and if you snitch now, our Ursh will never forgive you. 24 00:00:58,080 --> 00:00:59,840 Don't push it. 25 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,600 Our Raymond's been on. Ooh, how is my favourite nephew? 26 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:31,320 Thanks, Dad (!) You're my son. 27 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:34,240 Oh, yeah. Hi, Auntie Vetty. Mwah. Yeah, he's fine. 28 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:35,880 He's on a layover in Chongqing Jiangbei, 29 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:38,320 but he was asking about the hat Mum wore to Gaynor's wedding. 30 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,280 Does he want you to wear it when he marries Marco? 31 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:42,600 No. One of his stewards is auditioning for Drag Race. 32 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:45,040 He thought it might get a big laugh. What about you lot? 33 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:48,200 Oh, God, you're not clearing the place, are you, for the sale? 34 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:51,880 Because once I've tracked down that hat, I've got to do things. 35 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:52,960 Not today, no. 36 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,680 I don't even think the buyers have put theirs on the market yet. 37 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:57,080 I could stay for a coffee. 38 00:01:57,120 --> 00:02:00,240 Oh, Connor's art homework is to make a collage 39 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:02,160 on the subject of "My Hero". 40 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:04,760 And guess who he's chosen? Y-You? 41 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,200 You would think, but no. 42 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:09,280 His grandad. Oh, Con! 43 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:11,800 Oh, that's... I know. 44 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,760 So we're just gonna dig out a few photos and stuff before we sort. 45 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,800 Make sure they aren't from Raymond's 21st, eh? 46 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,040 The fancy dress? Oof... 47 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,000 What was Dad thinking? We'll never know. 48 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,160 Although, your mum did look super glam as Eva Braun. 49 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,520 WHISPERS: She did. WHISPERS: Didn't she just? 50 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:30,760 Right! Come on. Let's see what we can find... and actually use. 51 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,240 Aw! Isn't that sweet of Con? 52 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:37,720 Sweet works when you're little. 53 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,400 Is it really what you want when you're 12? 54 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,600 He's being picked on by the other lads at school. 55 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:45,240 The little sods! What are they calling him? 56 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:48,400 Well, I'm guessing "nerdy", "boring", "knobhead". 57 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:51,200 When I think back to my school days and all the bullying... 58 00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:52,360 SIGHS 59 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,560 ..it was kids like Connor that we saw as easy pickings. 60 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:59,120 So... not that he really should start wearing deodorant? 61 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,440 It won't help. 62 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:02,760 Oh, God, and all the other lads 63 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,200 will have picked Thor and Paddy the Baddy, 64 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:07,960 and there's our Connor getting all weepy over his dead grandad. 65 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,320 If I find the right moment, I'll have a word. 66 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,360 Oh, Christ, no, I wasn't angling. 67 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,120 GAYNOR: Are you there, Nic? SIGHS 68 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:19,880 Gaynor, we're supposed to be 69 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:21,800 clearing the place, not adding to it. 70 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:24,400 We've been driven from our home. What is it this time? 71 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:27,760 A fucking big seagull's set up shop in our back yard. 72 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,440 She's only gone and had the babies there. 73 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,040 If we so much as open the back door, she goes mental. 74 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,240 Er, you can't say "mental" these days. It's ableist. 75 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,160 She's a seagull! She won't know! 76 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,720 Well, one of Raymond's stewards is facing a tribunal. 77 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,760 Mind, that was on the flight to Lourdes, so... 78 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,360 Why can't you just tell her to shoo? 79 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,840 Cos she's massive! Like a ptero-fucking-dactyl! 80 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,000 Yeah, if I go outside for a cheeky vape... 81 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,480 Boomf! Divebombs. It's like something out of Hitchcock. 82 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:51,960 Rear Window? 83 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,880 No, mind, but it is in the back yard. 84 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:55,400 Can't even bring the washing in. 85 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:57,840 Half me bras and all Greg's boxies are still out on the line. 86 00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:59,280 Yeah, I'm going commando here! 87 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,200 Don't wanna provide a moving target, Gregory. 88 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,760 Behave, you. 89 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:05,600 You can't just permanently migrate back here. We've agreed to sell. 90 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:07,520 No, we're not. We're going to my ma's and da's 91 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:09,040 once they get back from Laser Quest. 92 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:10,440 How are Wendy and Glenn? 93 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:13,480 I don't mean to gloat, but they're absolutely thriving. 94 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:14,720 As soon as they're back, 95 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:17,720 we're gonna go borrow their dog and set it on that seagull. 96 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,880 You can't do that. This is what I said. 97 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:22,800 Don't be a snowflake. Look, it's the law of the jungle. 98 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,240 Or... law of the seaside. 99 00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:28,400 Your mum and dad have only got that little schnauzer. 100 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,160 A seagull could carry that off in its beak. 101 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,120 Poor Bongo. For all the trouble she's causing, 102 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,680 me and that seagull have got an understanding, both just mums 103 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:36,240 trying to protect our chicks. 104 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,240 Aw! Where is Poppy? 105 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:39,920 Oh, shit, she's still out in the car. 106 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:41,760 You know what? She'll be all right. 107 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,800 She's got that "Explorey Dory" thing on her iPad. 108 00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:45,520 You putting the kettle on, Nic? 109 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:49,760 Have these got nuts in? I've got no idea. 110 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:50,960 Well, can you check? 111 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,120 Oh, for God's sake, you've not even been diagnosed. 112 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,000 It's just something you've decided you've got 113 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,720 to make yourself feel more interesting. 114 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,720 I know my own body. Yeah, and I know mine. 115 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:02,720 Pain in the arse in it at the moment. "May contain trace." 116 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,000 I'll chance it. Gaynor, it's a biscuit. 117 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,880 You're not storming an embassy. STUART GRUNTS 118 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:10,040 So, has Connor told you all about his collage? 119 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:11,200 Of Dad? Oh, yeah. 120 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,320 Just try and put a bit more effort in than with my birthday card, eh? 121 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:15,760 Three Ps in "happy"? 122 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,560 Bit tight on the kids, 123 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:20,080 making them pore over pictures of dead rellies all weekend. 124 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:23,560 The theme is "My Hero". Oh, and he chose your dad? 125 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:27,440 You know what strings to pull there, don't you, kid? Eh? 126 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:30,000 Is this to get those tickets to Comic Con, Con? 127 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:33,640 No. Greg, he just misses his grampy, that's all. 128 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,280 Right? If he wanted to diddle tickets out of us, 129 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:37,880 he would've made the collage of me. 130 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,080 Yeah, all right. Who would your hero be, Greg? 131 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,640 Oh, er... Because mine would be me. 132 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:48,400 All the setbacks I've faced, having our Raymond so young, 133 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:51,120 and... God, that awful perm. 134 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,520 I've never let it dent my spirits. 135 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,880 I tell you what, these might be slowly killing me, 136 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:57,400 but they are good dunkers. DOOR SLAMS 137 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,720 Oh, aye-aye, here she is, Captain Marvel. 138 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,360 Once again, you've all got together without me. 139 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:06,120 We didn't get together without you. We all turned up at the same time. 140 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:07,320 You always say that. 141 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,840 But if I hadn't been cycling past and spotted all your cars, 142 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:10,920 I'd never have known. 143 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,600 Why were you cycling past when you know the house needs clearing? 144 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:17,000 Is that why you're all here? ALL: Yeah. 145 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,000 Fine. Well, I'll stay and pitch in, then. 146 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:20,440 We're having coffee first. 147 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,600 Vetty, is that the hat Mum wore to my wedding? 148 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,600 Yes! You do know she bitterly regretted it 149 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:26,440 and blamed it on her thyroid medication? 150 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,640 Y-Yeah... Obviously, I'm not wearing it for real. 151 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,040 I'm lending it to a drag queen. 152 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,480 Hey, my ma borrowed her hat off a drag queen. 153 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,440 Do you remember, babe? Stunk of poppers, you know. 154 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,920 By the way, Gaynor, I spotted your car. 155 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,080 Haven't you forgotten something? 156 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:44,760 What? Er, to take it to the carwash any time this year. 157 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,360 It's covered in bird do. 158 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:49,480 They're onto us! They've caught wind of the dog plan, they're ganging up! 159 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,600 Wind your neck in, babe. 160 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,520 What do you think they are, like, the feathery CIA? 161 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:56,240 They're on the run from seafowl. 162 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,640 Well, if their little girl touches any of those droppings, 163 00:06:58,680 --> 00:06:59,680 she could go blind. 164 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,160 Bloody hell. Poppy! 165 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,920 Aw, he's such a good dad. 166 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,280 Talking of which, 167 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:10,560 this fella's making a collage in tribute to Reggie. 168 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,400 Really? What's he after? 169 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:14,280 Comic Con tickets. No! 170 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:17,680 Unless, of course... you and Uncle Austin are feeling generous. 171 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,360 No. OK. 172 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,560 We are struggling to find things to stick on it. 173 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,000 There's loads of parking tickets, and that letter 174 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,280 that he got back from Mary Berry, but we can't use that. 175 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,480 The language is obscene. 176 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:29,720 He didn't pull any punches over her lemon drizzle, 177 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:30,800 so why should she? 178 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,000 You're looking in completely the wrong place. 179 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:35,840 The sideboard was never Dad's domain. 180 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,120 NICOLE INHALES 181 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:43,960 Smells of Dad. I'm just getting soil. 182 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,440 That was Dad's sort of smell. 183 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:49,040 I don't think I've ever set foot in here before. 184 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,160 Well, it was Dad's little man cave, wasn't it? 185 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,800 Although, why he kept it padlocked... 186 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,600 I'd be desperate for crackheads to break in and clear the place. 187 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:57,000 Could that still be an option? 188 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,800 Ursh, you don't gossip, do you? No, I've no interest. 189 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,000 So can I ask you something? 190 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,480 If it's in the legal or financial sphere, yeah. 191 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,360 Anything personal, and I will remind you, 192 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,040 you have two other sisters and a niece. 193 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:11,280 Poppy's four! 194 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,720 Female colleagues? A neighbour you occasionally nod at? 195 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:15,760 Oh, it's just... lately, Stuart's lost his oomph. 196 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,840 SIGHS 197 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,600 Stu had an oomph? 198 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,000 Oh, God, yeah. He'd have me every which way. 199 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,120 We even tried role play. 200 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:26,320 Dirty traffic warden, dirty Amazon delivery man, 201 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:28,080 dirty shepherd, dirty oncologist... 202 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,240 OK, I get the picture... too much of. 203 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:32,920 But nowadays, he's just... SIGHS 204 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:37,120 ..so considerate... if he even bothers at all. 205 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,960 Why have you chosen to burden me with this? 206 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,920 I know Gaynor has no complaints with Greg, 207 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,640 and Vetty's never had a man long enough, but you and Austin... 208 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:48,640 Oh, here we go! Listen, I know we don't make much sense 209 00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:51,720 from the outside or... from any other angle. 210 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:55,120 No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying we're the same. 211 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,840 We've been married donkey's years. 212 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,080 Surely, at times, his enthusiasm's waned. 213 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,200 No. Why would it? 214 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,840 Oh, God, just forget about it, then. Let's see what we can find. 215 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,160 All right. 216 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,920 What about Dad's collection of old pub towels? 217 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,840 Does it make him seem like an alcoholic? 218 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:13,320 Makes him seem like a kleptomaniac. 219 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,280 If you throw in the beer glasses and ashtrays, 220 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:16,760 it's no wonder The Anchor went bust. 221 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,360 I don't know. What's in these boxes? NICOLE SIGHS 222 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:20,640 It'll just be full of man stuff, 223 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,360 like creosote, old jump leads, different types of batteries... 224 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:26,840 Actually, I do need some batteries for my... remote. 225 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,480 Oh, my God! Dad! 226 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:31,680 What? CHUCKLES 227 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:35,240 THEY GASP Oh, good God. 228 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:38,720 Try some of the other boxes. Does he have any gardening gloves? 229 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:40,680 NICOLE LAUGHS Oh, yeah. 230 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,480 "Bouncing Babes", "Naughty Nurses"... 231 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:44,560 Right. 232 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:47,040 Well, at least we know why he kept those pub towels handy, eh? 233 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:48,200 NICOLE CHUCKLES 234 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:52,040 Ew! Ew! Dead Dad's jizz! 235 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,440 URSULA RETCHES 236 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,560 You assume people have their urges, but the volume... 237 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:10,120 Escort, Razzle... Farmyard Fun. 238 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:14,320 Oh, God. It's literally a shedload. No wonder he kept it padlocked. 239 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:17,320 And we thought he was only in here for his nightly spliff. 240 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:21,360 The innocence of youth, eh? God, it's funny how fashions change. 241 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:22,760 They're not wearing anything. 242 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,160 No, the grooming. This one looks like ZZ Top. 243 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:27,880 We can't tell the others about this. 244 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,120 It's bad enough we've had our own illusions shattered. 245 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:31,800 You can't keep secrets in a family. 246 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,040 Well, Dad did long enough. 247 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,280 And sometimes, it is the kindest thing. 248 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,640 I'm not gonna tell my kids about my clubbing days, 249 00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:42,520 from what I can remember of them. 250 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:45,240 How we hot-wired that van. That was you and Vetty. 251 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:46,840 Ah. 252 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:50,840 The fake passports. Come on. Oh, God, I miss it. 253 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:52,640 Not gonna tell my kids that. 254 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,600 Gaynor and Vetty need to be protected. 255 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:58,000 Well, then, only leaves us one choice. 256 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:02,760 We suffocate them. Ha-ha (!) We bin the lot. 257 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:06,240 Here we go! I found these for you. 258 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,880 Just filter out the ones where he's smoking or flicking the Vs. 259 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,440 I've already taken out the moony. Oh, thanks. 260 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,520 But first... come sit by me a mo. 261 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:17,960 I'm doing me homework. Eh, don't be such a swot. Come on. 262 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:23,440 Now... 263 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:27,920 you know if you ever have any problems, 264 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,720 it helps to talk them through with someone. 265 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,760 I do. I talk to Nana. 266 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:34,680 Oh, Connor, I do that. 267 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:38,800 I say, "You had all them years with Dad, you jammy moo. 268 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:40,440 "Can't you sort me out with a fella? 269 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,920 "There must be some strings in heaven you could pull. 270 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:44,160 "A lottery win would be nice." 271 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,600 Oh, not loads. Not so much it all turns nasty. 272 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,920 You don't want the whole family coming round, cap in hand. 273 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,200 You know, just enough for a mansion and a sports car 274 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:52,680 and six glam holidays a year. 275 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:56,040 No, I mean the one who's still alive, Dad's mum. 276 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,640 Your mum said some lads at school are giving you grief. 277 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,240 I do know what that's like. 278 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,240 Not from lads, I always very popular there, 279 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:09,840 but when I was your age, a bunch of... 280 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,280 let's just call them dirty, hard-faced scrubbers, 281 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:13,720 used to pick on me. 282 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:17,120 It was the usual thing, sly digs, gobbing at me, 283 00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:18,720 setting fire to me desk. 284 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:20,080 And d'you know why? 285 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:23,280 You can sometimes... be quite vain? 286 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:26,840 Big-headed? 287 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:29,280 Not everyone likes that. 288 00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:32,280 No... it was jealousy. 289 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:37,440 My skin, my hair, my De La Soul pencil case. 290 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,000 And d'you know what I did? Told Grampy to have a word? 291 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,840 No. I set your mum and Auntie Ursula onto them. 292 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:44,040 No! Mm-hm. 293 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,840 Your mum had one of Grampy's cricket bats, 294 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:47,480 and Ursh got her hands on some nunchucks. 295 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,400 Mum and Auntie Ursh, all tooled up? Yeah. 296 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,920 They told these heifers, "Go near our sister again, 297 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:55,280 "you'll be spitting out teeth till Christmas... both ends." 298 00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:57,800 They got the message. 299 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,120 Well... 300 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,240 I'm not gonna get me mum and auntie on them cos... 301 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:05,440 ..wouldn't help. 302 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,000 Mm, might make you seem a mummy's boy. 303 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,080 Well, more of. 304 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:11,920 Well, just you remember, 305 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,280 this family will always have your back, 306 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:17,120 even if we have to kneecap people. 307 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,920 Aw, my little Con-con! Come here. 308 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:29,000 Do you never think to wear that Lynx box set I got you for Crimbo? 309 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,480 Hm? 310 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:31,600 Hm! 311 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,360 SEAGULLS SQUAWK 312 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:38,360 All right, sweetie-pie, the seagull can't get you here. 313 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,640 THUD ON WINDOW 314 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:45,160 Aww. There she is! 315 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,560 WHISPERS: Little sleepy-head. 316 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:49,280 I am. I'm buggered. 317 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,200 We were bingeing the Ted Bundy Tapes till three. 318 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:55,520 I meant Poppy. No, she's waking up, aren't you? 319 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:56,800 Go and have a play, babe. 320 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,160 Come on. HE BABBLES 321 00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,360 It's a full-time job, isn't it, Stu? 322 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,720 It can be. Yeah, all right, ta-ra. 323 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,760 That was me dad. Let slip the dogs of war! 324 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,600 Bongo's a no-go. They don't rate his chances. 325 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:13,680 I'm telling you, Stu, this is my childhood all over again. 326 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,720 That little fella, he just needs someone to believe in him. 327 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,000 Well, you know, I never supported the idea. 328 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:21,560 I mean, I want that seagull gone, but not ripped to shreds. 329 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:25,520 Do you? I mean, you keep twanging back here like you're on elastic. 330 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,160 Well, Dad would've known how to deal with this, 331 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,880 and he wouldn't have gone down the violent route like you. 332 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,440 Mum would, but Dad was a lover, not a fighter. 333 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,360 Your dad would've just took it down The Anchor 334 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:36,720 and got it absolutely bladdered. 335 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,800 That was his solution to everything, babe. Not always. 336 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,280 Not when Auntie Pat had cirrhosis. 337 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,200 He was a giant among men, my dad, 338 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,680 and nothin' will ever make me think otherwise. 339 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:49,640 Ah. Ew! 340 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:54,200 Is that the lot? If only. Another six bin bags. 341 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,560 What's all this? 342 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,880 You said we weren't clearing today. I've got places to be. 343 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,280 It's just rubbish from the shed, since we were in there. 344 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:02,680 Oh, OK. Anything Con could use for his collage? 345 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,760 No, nothing. No, nothing. No. 346 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,200 Well, too late now. I've finished. 347 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,680 I'm just waiting for the glue to dry. 348 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,400 Jesus wept, Con, you look like Shakira. 349 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:11,800 Ha-ha (!) 350 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:13,960 DOORBELL RINGS 351 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,280 I wonder who that could be. You could go and find out. 352 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:24,640 Austin? 353 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,360 Oh, Yvette. 354 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,360 Hello. You've got some front. 355 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,560 Chancing your arm when your wife's just feet away? 356 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,200 HE SCOFFS I said hello. 357 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:36,840 It's the way you said it. 358 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,560 Yes, the recent stress has been good to me, 359 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:42,760 I've lost six pounds, but try to contain yourself. 360 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,400 HE SIGHS It's Ursh I've come to see. 361 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:45,880 HE CLEARS THROAT 362 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,960 Mm, thought you'd get enough of her at home. 363 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,520 Oh, so there you are. 364 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,280 Were you ever planning on telling me where you'd gone? 365 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:53,880 I saw my sisters' cars in the drive. 366 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,480 I wanted to see what they were plotting. 367 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,400 Oh, you just swerved in, hmm? 368 00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,640 Didn't think to call out, "Darling"? Oh, no, that's not you. 369 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,920 Or, "Mate"... or just, "Oi, I'm diverting"? 370 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:07,240 I mean, I was halfway to Hightown before I saw you were missing. 371 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,200 Huh! Says more about you than her. 372 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,280 Oh, you're not helping. 373 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,600 Knobhead. I thought you were roadkill. 374 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:17,320 Well, thank you for doubting my road awareness. 375 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,240 It's not all about you, you know. 376 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:20,880 It only takes some coked-up boy racer 377 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,120 or some demented pensioner who's had enough of life, 378 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:27,040 and you're a grotesque patty of woman, bike and Lululemon! 379 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:28,760 I was worried, Ursula. 380 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:32,480 Austin... 381 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,200 ..you seriously need to man up. 382 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,320 Ah, look at the state of her face. 383 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,040 It's a shame our Ciaron couldn't make it. 384 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:46,160 Read, be bothered. 385 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,520 I'd FaceTime Raymond, but I think it's banned in China. 386 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,800 Who let her have glue? She can't be trusted with it. 387 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:52,640 Like her auntie. Ooh, shush, shush, shush. 388 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,800 The tissue's stuck to me now. Oh, come here. 389 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,360 Ah. 390 00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,640 Anyway, the time has come. 391 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,840 I'd like to say there's a new Banksy in our midst, 392 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,560 but I don't wanna encourage graffiti. 393 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,240 So do you know the names of other artists? 394 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,640 Rolf Harris. Not him. 395 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,920 Er, Canaletto. Isn't that a pasta? 396 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,160 No. Well, you get the gist. 397 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,480 So, we hereby present 398 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:16,440 a tribute in collage form of our dearly missed father, 399 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:19,720 erm, slash stepfather, slash grandfather, 400 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:22,600 slash father-in-law, slash... 401 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,200 WHISPERS: I'll take it. Er, you all right with this, love? 402 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:26,800 Yes. Er... 403 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,920 HE CHUCKLES So, on the count of three, yeah? 404 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,680 TOGETHER: Three, two, one... 405 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:33,480 Ta-da! GREG: What? 406 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:34,520 YVETTE GASPS Oh. 407 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,640 POPPY: Boobies. Oh, Poppy, come on. 408 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:42,320 GAYNOR: Get her out of here, Greg. 409 00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:43,760 There's, um... HE CLEARS THROAT 410 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:48,200 ..a sort of abstract Kurt Schwitters quality to it. 411 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:49,880 Not abstract enough. You can see the lot. 412 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,720 NICOLE: From every angle. It's pure filth. 413 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:53,880 Oh, God, blimey. Connor, what the...? 414 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,160 So, this is what you thought of your poor Grampy? 415 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,200 I didn't put that on there. Must've been Poppy! 416 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:00,480 Don't keep holding it up. 417 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,600 Oh, sh... Er, why is he blaming Poppy? 418 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:07,800 Where's she gonna get her hands on stuff like that? We're online only. 419 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,160 In the bin bags we fetched from the shed. 420 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,040 Dad had a very extensive collection. 421 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:13,800 Yeah. God. 422 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:14,880 Grampy did? Mm-hm. 423 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,160 Of this? Mm-hm. 424 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,680 And stuff he nicked from the pub. 425 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,800 You don't have to keep looking at it. 426 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:22,560 D'you think Mum knew? Well, we can hardly check now. 427 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,800 Well, if they had a readers' wives section, 428 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,080 maybe you could look back at previous issues... 429 00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:28,800 I picked Grampy as me hero. 430 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,040 Bang goes your worry he'd be bullied for being twee. 431 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,000 I'm sorry we had to spoil your memory of him, son. 432 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,320 Well, you didn't have to. You could've made out 433 00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:37,720 it belonged to you, and let Dad take his secret to the grave. 434 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,000 Not the grave. Mum's in there. We're not sure if she knew. 435 00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:42,800 But we were hoping to sneak it out to the rubbish. Hey. 436 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:46,120 They had a right to know. He was their kinky father, too. 437 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:52,000 Eh, I bet you Reggie would've known how to get rid of that seagull. 438 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,880 He'd have just swotted it away with his dirty jazz mags. 439 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:58,760 Now I'm over the initial shock, I suppose we have seen a lot worse. 440 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,200 Done it. 441 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,040 And they do say it does you good to have a hobby. 442 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:05,200 He's dead. On a brighter note, we did clear half the shed. 443 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,160 Yeah. Right, then, no harm done. 444 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,080 Can't go in tomorrow, can I? No homework. I'll get detention1 445 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:15,200 Hey, hey, it's all right. We'll all... pull together. 446 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,880 That's the wrong choice of words. 447 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,640 We'll pool our resources and make a new one. 448 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:19,760 Will we? 449 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,760 Maybe not of your grampy though. Why don't you try Iron Man? 450 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:27,800 Hey, were you worried about Poppy seeing all those mags? 451 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,000 No. We don't wanna give her a complex. 452 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:34,120 It's only the human body. I mean, plus a few... gadgets. 453 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:35,960 I think Dad was sending us a message. 454 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,440 Yeah, clear your search history. 455 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:42,120 No. Always find time to relax and do the things you enjoy. 456 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,760 Is that a reminder you need? 457 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,400 Look, I'm not gonna let that seagull stress us out. 458 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,520 We just have to accept that we live here now. 459 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,800 She won, and that's fine. 460 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,760 Yeah, just till the sale goes through. 461 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:53,280 Actually, there's an upside to this. 462 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:54,840 You can crack on with all the boxing up. 463 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,240 Whole house to be cleared. 464 00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,560 Gregory, has your mate Leon still got that air rifle? 465 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,120 Yeah. 466 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,480 Right. 467 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,160 See you later, Con, lad, you scruff. 468 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,560 Can't believe I've gotta do it all over again. 469 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,920 It was all stupid Poppy's fault. All right, come on now. 470 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,800 Your little cousin idolises you. Since when? 471 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,200 She might not say it... or show it... 472 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,600 or even feel it. 473 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:25,560 Listen, was your Uncle Greg right? 474 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,080 Were you hoping that we'd be so touched that you chose Grampy 475 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:30,200 that we'd get you those Comic Con tickets? Mum! 476 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,320 No, cos if you were, I admire your gumption. 477 00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:35,640 I mean, yes, it was sneaky, conniving, 478 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,160 but those qualities will get you far in life. 479 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,360 Might've been... part of it. 480 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,280 Good lad. 481 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:49,240 Very well, then, son, you shall go to the Comic Con. 482 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,160 Really? Yeah. 483 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,240 Oh, and you don't have to worry about that collage either. 484 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:57,960 I'll send a note into school saying you had the splats all weekend. 485 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:02,200 Sick! Ah, nice one, Mum. You're me real hero. 486 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,600 Yeah, I know that. Just don't tell the other lads at school, all right? 487 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,520 Yes! Get in! All binned. 488 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,040 Who would've thought it of Reggie, eh? 489 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:13,160 Although I did wonder why 490 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,200 whenever he said he was off to prick his seedlings, 491 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:16,880 he'd always give me a massive wink. 492 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:18,720 Well, at least Dad stayed randy. 493 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,320 Didn't all peter out into nothing into his forties. 494 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:22,720 Is that what you think? 495 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,320 I've just been giving you space to grieve. 496 00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:28,840 Well, did you not think I might prefer 497 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,040 to be really cheered up instead? 498 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,800 Right, well, I'm gonna call our Ciaron... 499 00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:40,840 and bribe him to take Connor to the flicks tonight. Mm. 500 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,360 WHISPERS: And then I'm gonna dig out my hi-vis vest. 501 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:45,880 SHE GIGGLES 502 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:50,520 Mm. 503 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,200 SHE EXHALES, DOOR CLOSES 504 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,040 Ah, thank you, Dad... 505 00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:58,520 ..you mucky old sod. 506 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,560 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com 38039

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