All language subtitles for Motherland S03E07 Last Christmas 2022 720p

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,920 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:06,400 Is that an extra large bottle of Listerine for Mrs Lamb? 3 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:07,760 No, Liz. That would be rude. 4 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,080 No, I saw her in Costcutter last week buying Malibu 5 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:11,160 and some potatoes. 6 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,720 Clearly, potatoes aren't an appropriate gifting item, so... 7 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:15,640 I haven't got Lamb anything. Not even a potato. 8 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:17,480 Can we just say that's from all of us? 9 00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:19,600 Oh, no, no, sorry. I've sealed it already. 10 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,720 Oh, God, you're so good at Christmas, Kevin! 11 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:24,320 It is one of my top skills, along with changing duvets 12 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:25,520 and cooking rice. 13 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:28,080 Right, so what should I get Mother, then, Mr Father Christmas? 14 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,560 Because last year she said not to get her anything, so I didn't 15 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:32,720 get her anything, and then she did Sad Face all day, 16 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,120 which is very mixed messaging. 17 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:36,880 Oh, oh, what about getting an experience like, erm, 18 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:39,040 a hot-air balloon ride or zorbing? 19 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,120 What's zorbing? 20 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:42,480 It's when you roll down a hill in a giant see-through ball. 21 00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:44,560 She's an old lady, Kevin, not a gerbil. 22 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:48,160 Right, well, what about dry slope skiing, then, or canal barging? 23 00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:49,320 Yes! That's it! 24 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,360 She's always banging on about us going to Venice. 25 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:53,720 I'll take her there for the weekend. Well done, Kevin. 26 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,040 In the words of Maui, "You're welcome." 27 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:58,000 SCHOOL BELL RINGS 28 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,080 Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. 29 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:04,840 Please ensure you take all of your children's work 30 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,160 home with you. 31 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:11,080 That's from both of us. 32 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,240 Oh, I love it! 33 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:29,360 Oh. 34 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:31,720 Hello. 35 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:32,800 Hiya. 36 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:34,360 Ho, ho, ho, hoes. 37 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:35,760 And Kevin. 38 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,560 Oh, nothing says Christmas like noshing on a hot sausage. 39 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:39,720 Am I right, Julia? 40 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:43,520 Oh, no, no. My hot sausage noshing days are over, unfortunately, Meg. 41 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,200 Christmas come early for you, then? 42 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:47,040 It's just a small one this year. 43 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,240 The big girls are away. 44 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,520 One's in Bali. The other one's in Mali. 45 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:52,800 Hey, look what I got Bill for Christmas. 46 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:54,040 Oh, that's hot! 47 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:55,120 I know. 48 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:58,880 You know, when I think of Bill, I often picture him in leather. 49 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:00,360 I will pass that on. 50 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:03,760 I'm offski. 51 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:03,760 BIKE BELL RINGS 52 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:06,040 SHE GROANS 53 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,600 Damn! Sweet wheels. 54 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:10,360 Should've grabbed a selfie on that. 55 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,680 You want a stupid big bike for Christmas, Kev? 56 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,160 In my dreams, Liz. 57 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,120 No, no, I've got everything I want. 58 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,080 Christmas breakfast with my girls. 59 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,760 I've got to make sure I get going by the time Jill wakes up, 60 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:23,280 and then it's back to the hotel for turkey crisps 61 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:24,520 from the vending machine. 62 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,360 You still at the abyss? 63 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:27,640 It's the Ibis. 64 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:28,800 That's very funny, Liz. 65 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,880 I have to remember to tell the other divorced dads. 66 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,280 They'll hoot at that. 67 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:34,480 Maybe not Oliver. He's in a very dark place. 68 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:35,560 Jesus Christ! 69 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:37,400 No, it's all right. He's on the ground floor. 70 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:38,480 And we took away his belt. 71 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,760 Right, that's it, Kevin. You're coming to me, love. 72 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:42,200 No, no. I don't want to encroach. 73 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,800 God, I'm encroached up to my arsehole! 74 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,720 I've got Mother and that pair of bellends that birthed my husband. 75 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:49,000 No, the more the merrier. 76 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,400 Elizabeth and Geoff? Oh, I love them! And Marion! 77 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:52,760 Thank you. Thank you, Julia. 78 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:54,040 You sure? Are you sure? 79 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,360 I could bring some... 80 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:56,920 I could... I could cook. 81 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,920 Yes, bloody please! 82 00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:00,800 What about you, Elizabeth? Got any plans? 83 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,280 Oh, well, Lee won the meat raffle at the pub 84 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:04,760 so he's hosting for once. 85 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:06,440 I'm only here for the free sausages. 86 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,680 Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot... 87 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,200 Eh, all right, hot cock. 88 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:11,920 Here comes your girlfriend. Sh, sh! 89 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,000 All right, Amanda? 90 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,360 Oh, hey. You want to come to Julia's for Christmas? 91 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,480 It's an open house. 92 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:17,800 Oh, thanks, Julia. 93 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:21,240 But we are having a blended family this year. 94 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:22,640 Sounds like a horrific smoothie. 95 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:24,880 So Mummy and I are going over to see Johnny and the kids. 96 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:25,920 And Tamara? 97 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:27,400 Yes, Kevin. 98 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:30,840 Why is everyone so obsessed with Johnny's bloody wife? 99 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:33,000 And just...thank you. 100 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,800 ANNE: It's Christmas! 101 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:38,400 Only two more sleeps. I'm so excited for hosting all the cousins. 102 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,080 Only 26 this year. 103 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,560 No, Mam, it's 29. Oh? 104 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:44,000 Yeah. Terrence, Orla, Daniel and all their kids, 105 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,640 they were meant to go to the Maldives with Sheila and Pat's lot 106 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,720 but then Magda went and got Lyme disease. 107 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,000 Well, that's still only 15. 108 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:54,640 Plus Angela's Peter, Fionnuala, Eve, Babette and Pat. Yeah. 109 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:56,240 And all their halves. Yeah. 110 00:03:56,240 --> 00:04:00,800 BOTH: That's Sarah, Connell, Jamal, John, Michael and Pat. Yeah. 111 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:03,480 And Dervla's Lula's bringing her new fella. 112 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:07,800 So with her five boys that's... BOTH: Cian, Cuinn, Ken, Cory... 113 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,600 ..and Pat! Yeah! 114 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:12,520 That's never 29! 115 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,920 No, that's 32. 116 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,840 SHE GASPS 117 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,840 Oh, we're going to need 118 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:16,960 another side of beef. 119 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:20,000 Ah, there's a queue, Phillip Schofield. 120 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,480 Yeah, OK. Sorry, sorry. OK... 121 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,720 TV: It's Christmas Day here on BBC One, and we're broadcasting 122 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:32,480 live from Durham Cathedral. 123 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,960 How can it cost £1,000? 124 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,200 SHE SIGHS 125 00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,360 Why is everyone going to Venice all of a sudden? 126 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:40,160 It's not all that! MAN: Bloody hell! 127 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,240 Are you going to spend any of Christmas Day with your family? 128 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:47,680 I am building your present, Julia. 129 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:49,720 No, you're building your present, Paul. 130 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:51,640 This cryo pool is for the whole family. 131 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,720 Ice water swimming can add 12 years to your life. 132 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,280 And it can freeze off cellulite! 133 00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,680 What the actual what? How has it gone up again? 134 00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:59,680 DOORBELL 135 00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:59,680 I only left it for a second! 136 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:02,760 I think someone's at the door, Julia! 137 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:04,360 By all means answer it, Elizabeth. 138 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:06,680 DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN 139 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:06,680 No? OK, fine. 140 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:09,160 Could you turn the heating up a tad, Julia? 141 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,200 They must be saving on gas. 142 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:15,240 Shame I can't harness your bum gas, Geoff. I'd save a bloody fortune! 143 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,680 # I, one King of Orient are... # 144 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:20,360 Oh, I don't think you're allowed to say "Orient" any more, Kevin. 145 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:22,440 Well, am I allowed to say "Persian feast"? 146 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,480 Sure ting, as long as I'm not cooking it. 147 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:26,840 I know they don't celebrate Christmas in the Middle East, 148 00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:29,400 but, my goodness me, do they enjoy an event meal! 149 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:33,000 Oh, right, right, I'm going to need some muslin to drain my curd. 150 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,040 Oh... Marion, how lovely to see you! 151 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,520 Happy Christmas, Kev. Mwah. 152 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,400 I left a little something for you by the fireside. 153 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,120 Marion! You should be on top of the tree, 154 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,040 you're such a bloody angel. 155 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,960 Kevin, please stop trying to get off with my mum! 156 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,080 There you go. 157 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,960 Oh, look at that. 158 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,920 Check it out. 159 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,960 Oh, thank you, my baby. 160 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,760 Ooh! 161 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,600 When I have opened this, meet me upstairs because 162 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,880 that jacket is... 163 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:17,920 Aha... A hat! 164 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,040 With a feather! We watched The Crown, remember? 165 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,600 Uh-huh. And Princess Margaret was riding the horse, 166 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,400 and then she got off with that photographer. Mm-hm. 167 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,960 And you loved her hat. 168 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,360 Hmm. 169 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,920 It's handmade. Not off the peg, Meg. 170 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,000 Oh? Do you love it? 171 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:42,200 Well, you're a bastard. You've done it again. 172 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,800 See you upstairs. 173 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,280 SHE EXHALES SLOWLY 174 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,920 Hummus? On Christmas Day? 175 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,440 I've got two children, Kevin! 176 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,360 They eat hummus every day of the year. 177 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:11,640 No, this is just the meze, the nibbles, 178 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:12,800 for the speech. 179 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,840 Oh, we don't do a speech. No, not you. 180 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:17,320 The Quee... King's... The King's speech. 181 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:18,520 No, yeah, we don't do that. 182 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,200 OK, well, what time's the walk? 183 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:21,800 What, from the sofa to the toilet? 184 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,360 Any time you like. 185 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:24,600 Stop it! 186 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,320 Next you're going to tell me you don't put the Advent crown to bed. 187 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:31,280 Feet under the Christmas tree? 188 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,880 Shout up the chimney? 189 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:34,080 Kevin! 190 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,160 Where are you from, the 1840s? 191 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:37,840 Ah... We're not Victorian orphans! 192 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:40,160 Any chance of a top-up, Julia? 193 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,280 What time do think lunch will be ready? 194 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:45,000 Oh, I don't know. Three, four, five, nine - who can say, Geoff? 195 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,040 In the meantime, there's plenty in there to stuff in your gullet. 196 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:50,040 Is this what we're eating? 197 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:52,000 No. No, no. This is for display purposes only. 198 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,040 This is all going to be scraped into the bin... Ah! 199 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,320 ..serve the real food later. Yeah! Yes. 200 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,040 Oh, Geoff, mind your pacemaker near the hob. 201 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:00,680 Oh. Ha-ha... 202 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:03,160 OK. 203 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:05,560 Ready, get set... 204 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,320 ..bake! 205 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,760 Oh... 206 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:10,400 Cheers! 207 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,040 DOORBELL RINGS 208 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,280 Oh! Mummy, you're here. 209 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:27,080 Mm. 210 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:28,840 Oh, you look very Christmassy. 211 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,120 You too, darling. 212 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:34,440 Like a gorgeous...sugar plum pudding. 213 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:35,800 OK. 214 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,160 Hey, you guys... 215 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,680 Mummy! Have you been having a lovely Christmas morning with 216 00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,200 Daddy and Auntie Tamara? 217 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,400 BOTH: Yes. 218 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,840 Aw! 219 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:47,240 Ah. 220 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:48,280 What are they wearing? 221 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:50,040 Why are they dressed like minor royals? 222 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:52,120 Dress for the job you want, I say. 223 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:53,920 A little something from Gan-Gan. 224 00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:55,040 Gan-Gan? 225 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,000 Are you rebranding yourself? 226 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,480 Are you all right, darling? 227 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,480 I know this must be difficult for you. 228 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,600 What? No, it's fine. 229 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:03,840 Fine. 230 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,120 There she is! 231 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,240 Hi. 232 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:08,520 Oh, God! 233 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:10,600 The curse of the Selfridges sale? 234 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,640 It's not a problem, Tamara. 235 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,160 It's just funny, isn't it? 236 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:17,320 So funny. 237 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:19,440 It's OK. I... I can change. 238 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,720 I'll just grab something out of the laundry. 239 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:26,560 Oh, happy Christmas, by the way, Amanda. 240 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:28,120 Happy Christmas! 241 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:32,200 Thank you so much for tracking down to the deepest, darkest Isleworth. 242 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,440 No probs. 243 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,520 Sorry! 244 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,520 It's a bit crumpled. 245 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,400 OK, back in the game. 246 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,720 You literally just pulled that out of a laundry basket, and... 247 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,080 Stunning! 248 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:46,360 Oh, no... 249 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:47,960 Right, drinks. 250 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,080 Hey. Hey! 251 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,240 Happy Christmas, Amanda. 252 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,440 Oh, we're doing that. OK. 253 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,480 Bellini? 254 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,040 Ah, a little early for me. Thanks, Tamara. I'll wait. 255 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:58,920 Erm, love this whole open plan kitcheny thing. 256 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:01,520 It's so great. Have you seen the size of this island? 257 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:02,920 Yeah, it's a bit ridiculous. 258 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,400 Ja Rule could hold the Fyre Festival on it. 259 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,040 EXAGGERATED LAUGH 260 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,160 That's funny. 261 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:09,400 You get it, Mummy? 262 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,440 Yes, of course I do. 263 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:11,680 Ah, you smell great. 264 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:14,160 AMANDA AND TAMARA: Oh, thank you. 265 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:15,920 You look quite puffy, darling. 266 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,000 Were you crying? 267 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,760 No! I... 268 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,960 I actually think I'm going to have this Bellini 269 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:22,440 right now, actually. Mm. 270 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,680 Merry Christmas. 271 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:30,160 JULIA: Right, so there's a flight to Venice, Treviso 272 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:36,280 stopping off at Frankfurt at 6:20, which is now... 273 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,360 £697?! 274 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,120 Can I do anything, Kevin? 275 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,200 No. Shoo, shoo. Why don't you go and peel a satsuma 276 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:43,840 or pull a cracker or something, Mother? 277 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,360 Oh, smells delicious! 278 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,600 The things you can do with a cauliflower, Marion. Ooh! 279 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,760 Oh, oh, could I get a selfie, for the girls? 280 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,320 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you two get a room? 281 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:53,800 MARION LAUGHS 282 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:55,920 Oh, stop it, Julia! 283 00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,560 I hope you're not booking that for me. 284 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:02,720 Mother! Well, I'm just not keen on flying these days, 285 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,320 you know, since my knee replacement. 286 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:06,480 Yeah, well, I wasn't booking anything, so it's fine. 287 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,720 Well, I'm not interested in travelling any more. 288 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:10,880 Right, well, sorry for trying to do something nice. 289 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,120 You can still do something nice. 290 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:15,200 I just don't want you wasting your money. 291 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,280 No, it's all right. Message received. 292 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,920 I tell you what, why don't you just, erm, toddle off with a sherry 293 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,960 and go and eat some Bombay mix or something? 294 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,520 You ungrateful old cabbage. 295 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,040 Can anyone read Chinese? 296 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:31,520 Oh, your parents are trying out Ivy's magical goggles. 297 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:32,760 What, she's opened her VR set? 298 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:34,560 You never told me we were opening presents. 299 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,600 No, yes, I did. I told you. I told you when I came out 300 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:38,560 to tell you that we were opening presents, Paul. 301 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:39,760 What's that weird smell? 302 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,120 Oh. Hey, Kev. 303 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:42,360 Ooh, hummus. 304 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,600 Can't remember the last time I had hummus. 305 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,600 How's the... How's the hot tub going? 306 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:48,040 It's a cryo pool. 307 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:51,000 It's great for icing your thighs after a beasting at the velodrome. 308 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,560 Phooey. Sounds ace. 309 00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:54,160 Erm, Julia, Julia, erm... 310 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:56,040 Where's your fish kettle? 311 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:57,960 Erm, with my lobster teapot. 312 00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:00,280 I don't have a flipping fish kettle, Kevin. 313 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,320 That's next year's Christmas present sorted. 314 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,320 Mm! Oh, ha-ha-ha... 315 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:05,440 Geoff, help me! 316 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:07,760 Elizabeth is cage-diving with sharks! 317 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,160 Help me! 318 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,520 Marion, you really must try these electric goggles. 319 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:14,320 You know, you can go right up Kilimanjaro with them? 320 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:17,600 Ooh! Wish me luck! 321 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:17,600 GEOFF LAUGHS 322 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:22,000 Prize for the best Christmas present ever goes to me. 323 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,000 The cage won't hold! 324 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,080 Right, let's go to Dad's! 325 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,520 So, who's choosing the first song? 326 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,000 BOTH: Me! 327 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,640 Can we have Insane in the Membrane? 328 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:33,040 Yep. Christmas classic. 329 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,760 PHONE ALERT 330 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,880 Oh, you prick. 331 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,680 ANSWERPHONE: Please leave your message after the tone. 332 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:51,240 Just checking this isn't a joke. 333 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:52,320 It isn't, is it? 334 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,320 SHE SHOUTS: You piece of total... 335 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:02,040 Aargh! 336 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:02,040 HORN SOUNDS REPEATEDLY 337 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,720 Right, who wants a Christmas Calippo? 338 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,680 BOTH: Me! 339 00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:11,840 Poor Daddy, stuck in a train station. 340 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:16,200 I hope he doesn't fall on a live rail and fry his knackers off. 341 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,680 Tin baked beans and sausage or steak and kidney Fray Bentos? 342 00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:22,600 CAR UNLOCKS, CHILDREN LAUGHING 343 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,040 WOMAN: Where's the other bag? 344 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,280 LAUGHTER 345 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:48,800 Oh! 346 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,480 MARION LAUGHS 347 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,400 Oh, oh, oh... 348 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,400 DOORBELL RINGS 349 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,000 Doorbell, Julia! 350 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,080 There's somebody at the door, Julia! 351 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,640 Oh... 352 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,640 DOORBELL RINGING 353 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,040 Doorbell's ringing! 354 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:03,400 JULIA: Don't worry, I'll get it! 355 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,040 Hey, maybe it's British Gas about your bum, Geoff. 356 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:08,600 Lizzie? 357 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:10,200 Effing Lee. Oh, dear. Should I ask? 358 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,480 No. Oh, is everything... No. ..OK? 359 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,680 Kevin's in the kitchen straining cheese. 360 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:17,000 Oh. Happy Christmas! 361 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,240 No! 362 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:19,720 Oh, dear. What's up? 363 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:21,280 Bill got me a hat for Christmas, 364 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,880 a 400 quid, handmade Robin Hood hat. 365 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:25,040 Bottoms up. 366 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,840 Crikey. I would've loved a £400 hat rather than the pedal bin 367 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:29,600 that Paul got me. Or nothing. 368 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,400 Which is what I got Mother, again. 369 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,240 I don't think he knows me any more! 370 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,760 Of course he knows you. 371 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,320 He loves you even though he knows you. 372 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,960 You two make us all want to puke. 373 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,280 Give us a look, then. 374 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,440 LAUGHTER 375 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:50,760 Oh, look at you! 376 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:52,360 Oh, it's so funny. 377 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:55,400 I literally cannot believe we were in Val d'Isere the same season. 378 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,920 Please don't tell me - you got off with that guy 379 00:14:57,920 --> 00:14:59,240 who had the ice sculpture... 380 00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:00,640 BOTH: ..in the shape of a penis! 381 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:01,960 THEY LAUGH 382 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,360 Sorry, Johnny! No, I didn't, 383 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,800 but Jean-Luc was totally into me. 384 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:08,640 Nightmare! You know, he wasn't even French. No? 385 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,480 He was from Bolton. 386 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,720 Oh, stop it. Tamara, that's hilarious! 387 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,040 Are you serious?! 388 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:16,320 Well, someone's full of festive cheer. 389 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:18,160 Grandma? Grandma, come and play! 390 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,080 Hang on a second, babies. Come on! 391 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,040 Gosh, though, Val d'Isere! Yeah. 392 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:24,400 So glad I only went there once. 393 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,920 What a frozen meat market that was. Yeah. 394 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:30,960 You went every bloody year of your 20s, didn't you, darling? 395 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,280 Yeah. 396 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,680 Yeah, so sometimes I... 397 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:37,000 I do wish I could've gone back. Yeah. 398 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,520 You know, for the fondues alone. 399 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,880 Very hard to get this one to expand her horizons. 400 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,560 Well, to be fair, Mummy, you're the one who wouldn't let me do 401 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,000 my gap year in South America because you said I'd get raped. 402 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,280 Well, you would've got raped, and I stand by that. 403 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,920 Do we have any rosemary? 404 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,160 Johnny, look at you! 405 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:55,840 Tamed at last. 406 00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:58,800 Here you go, babe. 407 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,200 You'll find someone soon. 408 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,600 Maybe you will too, Mummy. 409 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,360 I hope it's done. 410 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:06,680 I don't want to poison you all. 411 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:08,280 Where's your meat thermometer? 412 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,200 Here. 413 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,200 Right. My work here is done. 414 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,400 I'd Instagram that. 415 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:14,640 If I was a dick. 416 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,800 Actually, should we feed the kids in the living room? 417 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:18,440 Because this does look very nice. 418 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,040 Wait, wait, wait, wait! 419 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:22,400 Za'atar. 420 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,400 Now Christmas dinner is ready. 421 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:29,640 Aw! 422 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,000 Come here. 423 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:35,520 Can I just say this is the best Chrissy ever? 424 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,000 Got my bessie mates, 425 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,960 the family...off in the house and garden somewhere. 426 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:44,760 Mm? This is what it's all about, isn't it? 427 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:46,040 Oh, hang on, hang on. 428 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:47,240 Just for my girls. 429 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,520 They're desperate to see how my math tool turned out. 430 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,880 CAMERA CLICKS 431 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,880 OK. 432 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,040 Right, dinner! Kids, come on, hurry up, 433 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,680 otherwise all your presents are going to the charity shop. 434 00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,560 I'll summon the elders. 435 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:00,840 Paul, dinner! 436 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,360 Could you pass me my towel? 437 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,000 Right... 438 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:09,280 TV: # Deck the halls with boughs of holly... # 439 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,760 Oh. 440 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:13,320 # 'Tis the season to be jolly 441 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,800 # Fa la la la la... # 442 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,800 HE SWITCHES TV OFF 443 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,120 Marion? 444 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:22,640 Oh, my God. 445 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,000 Oh, my God. 446 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,760 Oh, my God, oh, my God... 447 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,760 TOILET FLUSHING 448 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,480 Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God... 449 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:35,760 DOOR CLOSES 450 00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,040 I should've gotten bog rolls for Christmas instead 451 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,440 of those chocolates. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God... 452 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,000 What? Shit. What? 453 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,240 OK, OK, OK... 454 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:44,880 Breathe into this. 455 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,320 That didn't help at all. 456 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:51,800 There's a hole in that, Liz. 457 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:53,040 My God... 458 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,080 It's Marion. 459 00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:57,240 She's passed! 460 00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:00,600 She's no more. 461 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:01,640 What? 462 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,720 Shit. 463 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,920 What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? 464 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,200 What would Jill do? She's great with death. 465 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,160 Shall I call Jill? No, no, I won't call Jill. 466 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,040 What do we do? What do we do? What do we... 467 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:28,440 Call an ambulance. 468 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:29,640 I'll tell Julia. 469 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:30,680 Yeah, all right. OK. 470 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,200 What about them? 471 00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,760 Alive! 472 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,280 No, I mean, what do we do with them? 473 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,280 Oh, right. Just leave them there for now, 474 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:41,760 just let them sleep. Right. 475 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,320 What about the kids? 476 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,640 They can't see Marion like this, on Christmas Day! 477 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:47,960 No, yeah, good point. 478 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,440 Right, run across the road. 479 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,640 Tell Meg we're bringing Christmas to hers. 480 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,040 Right. OK. 481 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:55,360 OK, OK, OK. 482 00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,600 DOOR CLOSES 483 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:21,560 DOOR OPENS 484 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:22,600 DOOR CLOSES 485 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:27,000 They said the ambulance was going to be a while, so... 486 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,960 This is huge. 487 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,760 This is... Shit. I'm so drunk. 488 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,000 I don't know what to say. I need to focus. 489 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,600 Kevin, have you got any cocaine? 490 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,080 Yeah, maybe don't say that. 491 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:38,960 We need to get the kids over to yours. 492 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,280 We don't want to panic them. 493 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,720 Yeah! 494 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:43,200 Fine. I got this. 495 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,600 Hey, everybody! 496 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,800 Come on, we're going to... Oh! Meg! 497 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,560 I'm fine. 498 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,560 MEG GROANS 499 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,680 I'll do it. 500 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:53,920 Fire! 501 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,800 There's a fire. 502 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,800 CHILDREN SHOUT 503 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,000 Christmas pud? 504 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,680 Oh... Amanda doesn't do pudding. ..I don't do pudding, no. 505 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,080 No, of course. Nor do we. 506 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:02,280 Oh, come on! 507 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:04,560 If anyone's allowed to do pud, it's you. 508 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:06,000 Eating for two. 509 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,360 FELICITY GASPS 510 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,360 Oh, no. 511 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,520 We weren't going to say anything. 512 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,840 What... Are you... Going to have a baby! 513 00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:15,440 Isn't it the best? 514 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,520 Barely. It's very early days. 515 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,520 How does she know about this before me, Johnny? 516 00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:21,840 She noticed Tam wasn't drinking. 517 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,040 Sorry. 518 00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:24,600 Oh, OK. 519 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:25,880 That's a bit of a shock. 520 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,920 I just didn't think we were... 521 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:31,120 I thought you were done...with that. 522 00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:33,160 It's different for men, darling. Yeah. 523 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,000 Your father was getting women pregnant well into his '70s. 524 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,400 He'd give old BoJo a run for his money. 525 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,120 We haven't even had a scan. 526 00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:41,640 It may not even stick. 527 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:45,920 GLASS CLANGS AGAINST TEETH 528 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:45,920 Ow! 529 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:47,880 STIFLING LAUGHTER 530 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,560 SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER 531 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,520 Such a drama llama. 532 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:03,560 Any more fizz? 533 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,520 SNIFFLES 534 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,560 Right. 535 00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,000 Who wants some salty snacks 536 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,480 and an overdose of sugar? ALL: Me! 537 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,480 iPlayer, Netflix, Amazon, Apple, Disney. 538 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,280 Oh, Boogie Nights is on. 539 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,320 Here, knock yourselves out. 540 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:30,000 Ohh, how did I get so drunk? 541 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,800 I only had a bottle of Baileys. 542 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,040 Here. 543 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,840 Espresso martini. 544 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:40,640 Don't want to go cold turkey on the cream and booze. 545 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:42,160 One of these, 546 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,000 a roast dinner and a raw Berocca, 547 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,840 you'll be fit to operate heavy machinery. 548 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:48,680 Do you like my hat? 549 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:49,880 No. 550 00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:57,920 Where's the ambulance? 551 00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,400 Did someone call the ambulance? Yes, I did. 552 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:02,320 Why is it taking so long? 553 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:04,080 It's the busiest day of the year. 554 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:07,320 You've got your suicides, your hypothermia, your overeating. 555 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:09,680 And then you've got your knife wounds, 556 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:11,440 your alcohol poisoning, your burns. 557 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,880 Not to mention your pre-existing medical conditions. 558 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:17,080 All right, Kev. Sorry. Think I should check on my parents? 559 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:18,640 Oh, I'll do that. I'll do it. 560 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:20,520 I've left the boureki in the oven anyway. 561 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:23,600 Don't want to be calling the ambulance and the fire brigade. 562 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:24,920 Sorry. 563 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:27,240 Hey. 564 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:31,000 She was surrounded by people who loved her. 565 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:36,280 And she'd just climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, albeit virtually. 566 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,080 How many people can say that? 567 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:39,520 MESSAGE ALERT 568 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:43,680 Oh, Lee... 569 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:56,040 PANTING 570 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:07,280 Kev. AAAAH! 571 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,840 Sorry. Liz! Sorry. 572 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:12,760 Oh, God. Look, I know this isn't the right time. 573 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,920 It's just that Lee's just texted, asking me to pick him up. 574 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,240 I mean, like I'm going to drive to sodding Cardiff! 575 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:19,560 Oh, my God. 576 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:21,640 What an absolute pr... I know. 577 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,080 Sorry, I can't concentrate till I've picked the boureki up. 578 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,200 Look, look! 579 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,720 One landed in Marion's shoe. 580 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:38,120 God. Her little buniony foot was in that a couple of hours ago. 581 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,400 FLOORBOARDS CREAK, THEY SCREAM 582 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,560 Aah! Aah! 583 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:44,840 Elizabeth! 584 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:12,040 Woof! Babe, you hit that hard. 585 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:14,120 SIGHING 586 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:14,120 We're all going to die. 587 00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:15,560 Nah! 588 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,360 Not me! 589 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:25,240 It's not just that, though. 590 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:26,920 There's something else. 591 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:29,040 What? 592 00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:30,280 I hate this hat. 593 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:34,640 And it makes me feel like you hate me. 594 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:40,600 Well, go on, you 'nana, take it off. 595 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:43,360 Life is too short to wear a hat you hate. 596 00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:44,760 Thank you. 597 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:50,560 To be honest, I hate this jacket. 598 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:51,720 What?! 599 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:55,440 Well, it makes me look ten years older, which is no mean feat. 600 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:01,640 Well... 601 00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:02,920 I need another drink! 602 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:13,480 Is that the ambulance? 603 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,200 Oh, superb Christmas lights. 604 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:19,320 Er, Marion's still asleep, Julia. 605 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:21,640 Yes, thank you, Elizabeth. 606 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:22,960 There's no waking that one! 607 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:25,800 That's because she's not asleep, Mum. 608 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,800 Yes, she is. She's out for the count. 609 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:31,360 No, Mum, she's not. She's... 610 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,120 What did he say? 611 00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:36,680 Boureki? 612 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,040 They've been on the floor. 613 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,280 Boureki? They've been on the floor. 614 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:41,920 Boureki? They've been on the floor. 615 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,760 Boureki? That one's been in a shoe. 616 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:48,600 Actually, I'm not going to leave her on her own, actually. 617 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,880 Pop the kettle on, would you, Julia? 618 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:05,480 TYRES SCREECH, HORN BEEPS Ohh! Jesus Christ! 619 00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,440 I could've killed you... BOTH: You stupid cow! 620 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:10,560 What are you even doing here, anyway? 621 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:14,720 I was just having a drive, Julia, I think I'm allowed to do that. 622 00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:16,560 What are you even doing 623 00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:20,240 scuttling around like a big squirrel in the middle of the road 624 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:21,640 on Christmas Day? 625 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:24,840 I'm going to see my mother, if you must know, because she's dead... 626 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,160 God! Oh! 627 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:32,320 Oh, no, Julia! 628 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:34,560 STIFLED SOBBING 629 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:34,560 Oh, no, oh, Julia! 630 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:38,440 Don't touch me, thanks. 631 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:41,880 I didn't even get her a present. 632 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:43,960 And I wanted to, I just... 633 00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:46,680 She knew. 634 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:47,800 No. 635 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:50,800 She was so proud... 636 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,320 Oh, sh, sh, sh. 637 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:57,640 CAR HORN BEEPING URGENTLY 638 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:00,360 I have to move my car. 639 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,480 So sorry. 640 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,120 CAR HORN BEEPING 641 00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:17,600 I always thought you were very lucky to have her, Julia. 642 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:19,800 Not all mums are Marions. 643 00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:25,720 Well, last thing I said to her was, "You ungrateful old cabbage," so... 644 00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:31,520 CAR HORN BEEPING URGENTLY 645 00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:31,520 Yes! 646 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:39,920 Of course, my father fought in the Mau Mau uprising 647 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,960 in northern Kenya in the '50s. 648 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:44,800 Do you know any Mau Mau? 649 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:46,680 I grew up in Brockley, Geoff. 650 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:48,400 Oh. 651 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:51,760 Emily and Rosie have sent me a cracker joke. 652 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:55,440 What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? What? 653 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,560 Frostbite. 654 00:27:57,560 --> 00:27:58,960 CHUCKLING 655 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:00,800 That's so good. 656 00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:03,120 It must be a Waitrose cracker. 657 00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:06,200 Should I have gone? 658 00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:07,920 To pick that prick up? 659 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:09,680 There's no trains tomorrow either. 660 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:12,080 No, Liz. F him! 661 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:15,200 You're needed here. 662 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:16,400 Julia needs you. 663 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:17,440 I need you. 664 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:23,760 I know Marion's dead, but the kids are having a whale of a time. 665 00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:26,160 Yeah, but he's their dad, you know? 666 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,120 He's their dad, 667 00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:30,360 but we're your family. 668 00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:32,280 IMITATES VOMITING 669 00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:36,560 All right, I'll stay. 670 00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:38,800 But never say that to me ever again. 671 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:40,960 DISTANT SIREN 672 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:40,960 They're have. 673 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:42,400 Is that for Geoff? 674 00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:45,560 Geoff, did you hail an ambulance? 675 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:55,440 Yeah, OK, so... 676 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:21,480 SHE SNIFFLES 677 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,240 The wheel of Stilton in the fridge... 678 00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:29,480 Is that for general consumption or...? 679 00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:33,640 Yeah, you go for it, love. Yeah. 680 00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:34,960 OK. 681 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:12,320 Oh, Mum. 682 00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:17,560 Let's get these guys in the car. 683 00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:18,960 OK, in you get. 684 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:22,800 Pop your belts on, OK? I'll just be one minute. 685 00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:26,240 Mum, I need to tell you something. 686 00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:31,880 Because life's too short and I'll regret it if I don't. 687 00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,600 Don't frown, darling, you'll spoil your Botox. 688 00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:37,760 I don't like you and you obviously don't like me. 689 00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:39,320 So I think it's healthier and kinder 690 00:30:39,320 --> 00:30:41,880 if we don't go anywhere fucking near each other for a while. 691 00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:44,800 FYI, there's a gift receipt in your present for when you open it 692 00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:46,920 and inevitably hate it. 693 00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:49,320 You ungrateful old cabbage. 694 00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:55,320 CHOIR SINGING 'DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH' 695 00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:06,520 Do I look sexy in your jacket? 696 00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:09,040 Do I look sexy in your hat? 697 00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:12,200 Oh, my little bag. I love you. 698 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:16,160 Mm. 699 00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:24,600 But you said it was for me, Elizabeth! 700 00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:26,280 It's not for me! 701 00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:41,240 Aah! Jesus Christ. 702 00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:42,760 Sorry. 703 00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:45,880 We just didn't want to interrupt your moment. 704 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:49,080 All we wanted to say was we're here for you. 705 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:52,440 And now, also, sorry for frightening you. 706 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:55,400 SHE LAUGHS 707 00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:06,600 Right, shall we go over the road? 708 00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:10,040 Cos actually, it really still stinks of Geoff's guffs in here. 709 00:32:11,560 --> 00:32:12,960 Yeah. Yeah. 78138

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