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1
00:00:06,250 --> 00:00:08,833
A NETFLIX SERIES
2
00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:15,583
And here is the White House, where...
3
00:00:17,166 --> 00:00:19,833
Oh God, that drunk again.
Avert your eyes, kids!
4
00:00:19,916 --> 00:00:24,291
Hey, kids, everything they teach you
in school is a lie.
5
00:00:24,375 --> 00:00:27,875
The Deep State is controlled
by my shithead father.
6
00:00:27,958 --> 00:00:30,250
Chemtrails trap you in the '80s,
7
00:00:30,333 --> 00:00:34,708
Minions are real. I have seen one.
I have touched one with my own hands!
8
00:00:34,791 --> 00:00:37,083
Oh my gosh, it's a bomb!
9
00:00:37,166 --> 00:00:39,041
Wait, are those Toblerones?
10
00:00:40,166 --> 00:00:42,041
Hey, hey, Reags.
11
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:44,208
So are you... You good?
12
00:00:44,291 --> 00:00:47,333
I know it's your first day back
since your dad took over and all.
13
00:00:47,416 --> 00:00:50,041
Of course I'm okay.
What makes you think I'm not okay?
14
00:00:50,125 --> 00:00:51,875
Oh, God!
15
00:00:53,250 --> 00:00:56,833
Well, you did get a tramp stamp that says
"Mommy Likey Drinky" on it.
16
00:00:56,916 --> 00:00:58,958
Whoa, when did I get that?
17
00:00:59,541 --> 00:01:03,250
Life is just dreams turning to entropy,
you little shits!
18
00:01:03,333 --> 00:01:06,000
She doesn't mean that, children!
19
00:01:06,083 --> 00:01:07,291
I do mean it!
20
00:01:07,375 --> 00:01:09,833
Dreams die! Santa is fake!
21
00:01:09,916 --> 00:01:12,541
But student debt is real!
22
00:01:14,625 --> 00:01:16,916
You had to learn sometime, Braden.
23
00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:24,166
Welcome to the new Cognito.
24
00:01:24,791 --> 00:01:28,166
Listen to me, Brett.
My dad is an amoral sociopath.
25
00:01:28,250 --> 00:01:31,333
Having him in charge
will literally destroy the world.
26
00:01:32,916 --> 00:01:36,958
Yeah. He's installed a lot of security
cameras in the women's bathrooms.
27
00:01:37,041 --> 00:01:39,208
Rand Ridley is a dick!
28
00:01:39,291 --> 00:01:41,375
Shit talking detected.
29
00:01:42,791 --> 00:01:44,583
This is nauseating me, Brett,
30
00:01:44,666 --> 00:01:48,458
and for breakfast I had something
called a Bud Light Lime-A-Rita.
31
00:01:48,541 --> 00:01:51,541
The refreshing Bud Light mist
with a tropical lime twist?
32
00:01:51,625 --> 00:01:52,625
Yeah.
33
00:01:57,083 --> 00:01:58,333
We have to do something.
34
00:01:58,416 --> 00:02:01,375
Don't worry. I mean,
Rand can't make things that different.
35
00:02:01,916 --> 00:02:06,708
Listen up, peons, everything's
gonna be different around here.
36
00:02:09,791 --> 00:02:11,208
and I don't give a shit.
37
00:02:12,875 --> 00:02:16,375
Why are we taking orders
from mysterious robed assholes anyway?
38
00:02:16,458 --> 00:02:18,166
We don't even know who they are!
39
00:02:18,250 --> 00:02:21,166
From now on, we do what I say.
40
00:02:21,250 --> 00:02:24,000
Cognito is gonna reclaim its glory days.
41
00:02:26,250 --> 00:02:28,916
Then Cognito's gonna reclaim its ex-wife,
42
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,833
and its daughter,
and its original, beautiful hairline!
43
00:02:32,916 --> 00:02:34,583
Uh, yeah?
44
00:02:34,666 --> 00:02:39,166
This is going to be the most globally
damaging midlife crisis since Elon Musk.
45
00:02:39,250 --> 00:02:41,791
Hey, get to the War Room, you two.
46
00:02:41,875 --> 00:02:43,416
Oh my God, his kimono's open.
47
00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:46,000
- I can't unsee that.
- Don't barf because then I'm gonna barf.
48
00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:47,916
We'll have to hold it. I'm vomiting!
49
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:16,875
Jesus, is that Reagan?
50
00:03:16,958 --> 00:03:19,250
I have never seen someone
mistreat their body like this,
51
00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:20,708
and I'm from Atlanta.
52
00:03:20,791 --> 00:03:22,250
We deep-fry iced tea.
53
00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:24,416
You guys know that I can hear you, right?
54
00:03:25,833 --> 00:03:27,250
I'm drunk, I'm not deaf.
55
00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:29,083
Greetings, Hench-ployees.
56
00:03:29,166 --> 00:03:32,708
Now that J.R.'s finally rotting away
in some shadow prison,
57
00:03:32,791 --> 00:03:34,916
the Ridley regime can officially begin!
58
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,791
First up, my enemies list.
59
00:03:38,166 --> 00:03:39,166
It's long.
60
00:03:39,208 --> 00:03:40,583
Not so fast!
61
00:03:41,708 --> 00:03:44,750
Are you guys really gonna sit here
and take orders from my dad?
62
00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:47,750
In a week, he's gonna have us
assassinating Postmates drivers
63
00:03:47,833 --> 00:03:49,833
for getting his Taco Bell order wrong.
64
00:03:49,916 --> 00:03:51,708
The fate of the world is at stake.
65
00:03:51,791 --> 00:03:54,333
Hey, the Taco Bell thing
is not a bad idea.
66
00:03:54,416 --> 00:03:56,000
Intern three, write that down.
67
00:03:56,083 --> 00:03:59,083
Intern four, assassinate intern three
if he writes it down wrong.
68
00:04:06,083 --> 00:04:09,416
Did you guys see they replaced
all the watercoolers with vodka?
69
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,916
Best day ever!
70
00:04:12,583 --> 00:04:15,250
Are you trying to Jerry Maguire us
right now?
71
00:04:15,333 --> 00:04:18,000
This must be so embarrassing for you.
72
00:04:22,541 --> 00:04:23,875
Uh, sorry, Reagan.
73
00:04:23,958 --> 00:04:27,416
Having one evil white guy in charge
versus another evil white guy?
74
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,416
Uh, not that different.
75
00:04:31,458 --> 00:04:33,208
I just thought J.R. got Lasik.
76
00:04:33,291 --> 00:04:34,541
But...
77
00:04:36,750 --> 00:04:40,791
Ah, did you really think you could
launch a coup against me, sweetie?
78
00:04:40,875 --> 00:04:43,250
That's adorable.
You're just like your old man.
79
00:04:43,333 --> 00:04:45,000
I am nothing like you!
80
00:04:47,958 --> 00:04:50,625
Oh, so this is
what rock bottom looks like.
81
00:04:50,708 --> 00:04:52,333
More tropical than I thought.
82
00:04:52,416 --> 00:04:55,375
Give my daughter a timeout.
Somewhere she can get her head straight.
83
00:04:55,458 --> 00:04:58,666
Oh, and, uh, nothing higher than a three.
84
00:04:59,791 --> 00:05:01,458
Reagan, wait!
85
00:05:01,541 --> 00:05:04,541
Thanks for all the help out there,
Brett-adict Arnold.
86
00:05:04,625 --> 00:05:07,041
This situation
scares the crap out of me, man!
87
00:05:07,125 --> 00:05:09,833
Well, Brett is here
to "care" the crap out of you.
88
00:05:10,708 --> 00:05:13,750
What? "Anonymous Anonymous"?
What the hell is this?
89
00:05:19,666 --> 00:05:21,916
but maybe with help
you could change your outlook.
90
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,833
How about you keep tasing me instead?
91
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:35,625
Oops, let's switch off
those Anony-collars.
92
00:05:35,708 --> 00:05:37,000
This is a safe space.
93
00:05:42,541 --> 00:05:45,541
Let's go around the circle
and share why we're here.
94
00:05:45,625 --> 00:05:49,208
- Hey, everyone. I'm Sasquatch.
- Hi, Sasquatch.
95
00:05:49,291 --> 00:05:50,458
Hi, Sasquatch.
96
00:05:50,541 --> 00:05:52,500
I feel like no one cares who I am anymore.
97
00:05:52,583 --> 00:05:56,666
I saw this kid in the woods the other day
and he goes, "Hey, Mom, it's Chewbacca."
98
00:05:56,750 --> 00:05:59,541
Fucking Chewbacca? He's not even real.
99
00:05:59,625 --> 00:06:02,291
Anyone I ever get close to
goes insane.
100
00:06:02,375 --> 00:06:05,015
I think it has something
to do with my relationship with my mother.
101
00:06:05,041 --> 00:06:09,125
I'm former Governor Jesse Ventura,
and I wanna know some things.
102
00:06:09,208 --> 00:06:10,875
Like are any of us real?
103
00:06:10,958 --> 00:06:12,541
Does happiness exist?
104
00:06:12,625 --> 00:06:14,458
Will I ever love myself?
105
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:16,666
I'm just asking questions!
106
00:06:16,750 --> 00:06:18,125
Hello, I'm Richard.
107
00:06:18,208 --> 00:06:22,333
I'm a raging alcoholic
and I think I'm at the wrong meeting.
108
00:06:24,916 --> 00:06:26,125
Reagan, how about you?
109
00:06:26,708 --> 00:06:28,750
Fuck, this is so lame.
110
00:06:28,833 --> 00:06:31,500
Well, my dad stole my big promotion,
111
00:06:31,583 --> 00:06:32,958
he erased my memories,
112
00:06:33,041 --> 00:06:38,250
and I just tried to stage a coup
and nobody had my fucking back!
113
00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:40,666
Honey, I have been there.
114
00:06:40,750 --> 00:06:43,250
Right now, you must be thinking,
"Do I murder them?"
115
00:06:43,333 --> 00:06:44,916
"How many of them do I murder?"
116
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,166
Yeah, I am.
117
00:06:46,250 --> 00:06:48,916
Oh, cry me a river.
118
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,416
Excuse me?
119
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,666
You know who she is, right?
120
00:06:52,750 --> 00:06:56,500
That's the daughter of Rand Ridley.
Head of Cognito Inc.
121
00:06:57,708 --> 00:06:59,958
Yeah, Miss Nepotism case here is crying
122
00:07:00,041 --> 00:07:03,291
because she has to wait
a little bit longer for her dream job.
123
00:07:03,375 --> 00:07:05,833
Wow, dickbag, who the hell are you?
124
00:07:05,916 --> 00:07:08,416
Okay, this is supposed to be anonymous.
125
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:12,541
Ron Staedtler. I've been wiping minds
for the Illuminati for ten years,
126
00:07:12,625 --> 00:07:16,000
and in my line of work,
there are no safe spaces.
127
00:07:16,083 --> 00:07:17,500
Oh God, here we go.
128
00:07:17,583 --> 00:07:20,333
You think having
a few memories deleted is hard?
129
00:07:20,416 --> 00:07:23,166
Try being the guy
who deletes those memories.
130
00:07:23,250 --> 00:07:25,541
Then you're the only one
who has to live with them.
131
00:07:25,625 --> 00:07:29,625
Wow, I thought you had to be cool
to work in the Illuminati.
132
00:07:29,708 --> 00:07:32,375
Who let this dork in? Am I right?
133
00:07:32,458 --> 00:07:35,500
And I thought you had to be smart
to work for the Deep State.
134
00:07:35,583 --> 00:07:38,291
Listen, asshole, I'm the smartest person
in this room.
135
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:42,375
Guys, now there's a talking pillow
that determines who speaks.
136
00:07:42,458 --> 00:07:44,041
It's fluffy and relaxing.
137
00:07:44,125 --> 00:07:45,125
I know your type.
138
00:07:45,166 --> 00:07:47,875
You say you got into this job
to save the world,
139
00:07:47,958 --> 00:07:50,250
but all you care about is revenge.
140
00:07:50,333 --> 00:07:53,750
If you really wanted to save the world,
you'd do whatever it takes.
141
00:07:55,791 --> 00:07:57,041
You know what, you're right.
142
00:07:57,125 --> 00:07:59,791
Looks like you sad sacks
did motivate me after all.
143
00:07:59,875 --> 00:08:02,500
To take down my father on my own!
144
00:08:06,583 --> 00:08:10,000
Fine, I'm sorry for bringing a gun
to therapy.
145
00:08:10,083 --> 00:08:11,083
Again.
146
00:08:12,541 --> 00:08:14,125
Let's talk this week's mission.
147
00:08:15,083 --> 00:08:16,375
Bohemian Grove.
148
00:08:16,875 --> 00:08:19,291
Yes! Outdoor festival of the year!
149
00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:21,583
It's like Burning Man
but they actually burn men!
150
00:08:21,666 --> 00:08:23,333
Every year it brings together
151
00:08:23,416 --> 00:08:26,375
the six societies
that secretly rule the world.
152
00:08:26,458 --> 00:08:30,083
The Reptoids, the Atlanteans,
the Catholic Church,
153
00:08:30,166 --> 00:08:32,208
the Juggalos, for some reason,
154
00:08:32,291 --> 00:08:36,625
us, and of course,
our arch rivals, the Illuminati.
155
00:08:36,708 --> 00:08:38,125
Boo!
156
00:08:38,208 --> 00:08:40,416
So what's the deal
with the Illuminati again?
157
00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:42,250
They're the cooler version of us.
158
00:08:42,333 --> 00:08:45,166
This pompous d-bag is Dietrich Kluge,
159
00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:48,750
the head of the Illuminati.
And my mortal enemy.
160
00:08:48,833 --> 00:08:52,125
I hate that guy. Look how European he is.
161
00:08:52,208 --> 00:08:54,916
He's always making the Illuminati
fuck with Cognito.
162
00:08:57,291 --> 00:09:00,541
Those artsy-fartsy
Bavarian bastards!
163
00:09:00,625 --> 00:09:03,958
Every year, he challenges us
to the Power Struggle.
164
00:09:04,041 --> 00:09:05,583
A competition for dominance
165
00:09:05,666 --> 00:09:09,041
where the loser literally
has to kiss the other guy's ring.
166
00:09:09,125 --> 00:09:10,833
J.R. always lost.
167
00:09:10,916 --> 00:09:14,625
Well, now that I'm in charge,
Cognito's going back on top
168
00:09:14,708 --> 00:09:15,916
and here's how!
169
00:09:17,041 --> 00:09:18,416
Why's it so detailed?
170
00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:20,125
So many balls!
171
00:09:20,208 --> 00:09:23,291
I'm gonna use Reagan's nanobots
to supercharge my body,
172
00:09:23,375 --> 00:09:25,791
giving me the strength,
speed and dexterity
173
00:09:25,875 --> 00:09:29,041
to destroy that prick Dietrich
once and for all.
174
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,583
Huh. I'll show that prick in AA.
175
00:09:33,666 --> 00:09:35,458
I'll ruin Rand on my own.
176
00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:39,041
Oh, you're villain monologuing?
That's fun. What is that thing anyway?
177
00:09:39,125 --> 00:09:41,875
It's a VR glove that can
control Rand's nanobots.
178
00:09:41,958 --> 00:09:44,791
The second I activate it,
Rand will be my virtual puppet.
179
00:09:45,333 --> 00:09:47,500
It seems a little far-fetched.
180
00:09:47,583 --> 00:09:48,708
Could that even...
181
00:09:48,791 --> 00:09:51,208
- Then why are you hitting yourself?
- Ow, ow, ow!
182
00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:53,416
Stop it! Jesus,
I just wanted to chit-chat.
183
00:09:55,083 --> 00:09:57,166
I'm gonna sneak into Bohemian Grove
184
00:09:57,250 --> 00:09:59,583
and make sure Rand loses
the Power Struggle.
185
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:03,583
When everyone sees how pathetic he is,
he'll be fired and I,
186
00:10:03,666 --> 00:10:06,166
I mean, the world, will be better for it.
187
00:10:07,166 --> 00:10:08,916
So do you have a plus-one or...?
188
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,458
- No way in hell.
- Just checking.
189
00:10:18,583 --> 00:10:22,500
Who's ready to Bohemian "Groove"?
190
00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:27,000
The annual Power Struggle
will begin shortly.
191
00:10:27,083 --> 00:10:31,041
And now, please welcome the six societies!
192
00:10:31,541 --> 00:10:34,125
They're a little wet,
they're a little wild,
193
00:10:34,208 --> 00:10:36,541
it's the Atlanteans!
194
00:10:41,666 --> 00:10:44,208
They wear sandals and create scandals.
195
00:10:44,291 --> 00:10:45,791
It's the Catholic Church!
196
00:10:45,875 --> 00:10:48,500
Mamma mia, Buca di Beppo
197
00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:53,583
Here comes the toast of the under-crust.
It's the Reptoids, honey!
198
00:10:57,375 --> 00:10:59,708
And these jokers are wild!
199
00:10:59,791 --> 00:11:01,541
It's the Juggalos!
200
00:11:02,166 --> 00:11:04,125
♪ If magic is all we've ever known ♪
201
00:11:04,208 --> 00:11:06,791
Woop-woop! You bitches down to clown?
202
00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:09,625
We secretly control global finance!
203
00:11:09,708 --> 00:11:13,541
And next we have the losers
from last year's Power Games.
204
00:11:13,625 --> 00:11:16,958
The stuffed shirts from Washington.
I doubt they even showed up.
205
00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:30,500
Top that entrance, motherfuckers!
206
00:11:40,541 --> 00:11:43,500
And finally,
we saved the best for last.
207
00:11:43,583 --> 00:11:50,291
The all-seeing, all-knowing,
all-partying Illuminati!
208
00:11:50,375 --> 00:11:52,000
I love you, Jay-Z.
209
00:11:52,083 --> 00:11:53,083
Queen Bey!
210
00:11:53,125 --> 00:11:54,791
Lin Manuel!
211
00:11:57,333 --> 00:11:59,708
Illuminati confirmed!
212
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:05,000
Ugh. Dietrich.
213
00:12:05,083 --> 00:12:08,916
Well, if it isn't the reheated leftovers
of Rand Ridley.
214
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:12,291
I thought they fired you for all of this.
215
00:12:12,375 --> 00:12:13,875
He's a mess.
216
00:12:13,958 --> 00:12:17,166
Dream on, Dietrich,
Cognito's more powerful than ever.
217
00:12:17,250 --> 00:12:19,250
We control the president, big oil,
218
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:21,708
and I have a button
that can move the moon!
219
00:12:21,791 --> 00:12:26,416
Cute! But you're still the secret society
no one's ever heard of.
220
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,458
The Illuminati's a name brand.
221
00:12:28,541 --> 00:12:30,125
We make it rain, bitch.
222
00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:33,500
Cognito controls the weather.
We literally make it rain.
223
00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:34,500
Okay, boomer.
224
00:12:34,583 --> 00:12:36,791
What? You're a thousand years old!
225
00:12:36,875 --> 00:12:39,708
I tell you what, if you can beat me
at this year's Power Struggle,
226
00:12:39,791 --> 00:12:41,708
I won't pants you in front of the Pope
227
00:12:41,791 --> 00:12:43,708
and Instagram it
for the whole shadow world.
228
00:12:45,208 --> 00:12:47,333
You suck so hard!
229
00:12:47,416 --> 00:12:49,583
Oh shit, are you Poland?
230
00:12:49,666 --> 00:12:52,000
Because that German guy
straight-up owned you.
231
00:12:52,083 --> 00:12:53,166
Gah!
232
00:12:54,750 --> 00:12:58,083
Oh God, it's Lin Manuel Miranda. Hide me!
233
00:12:58,166 --> 00:13:02,041
Gigi! I recognize your tired face
from your application selfie.
234
00:13:02,125 --> 00:13:03,791
You know about filters?
235
00:13:03,875 --> 00:13:05,958
She applied to work at the Illuminati?
236
00:13:06,041 --> 00:13:09,125
- Only one or two...
- Hundred times?
237
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,458
If you need us,
we'll be in the room where it happens.
238
00:13:14,541 --> 00:13:15,458
Where what happens?
239
00:13:15,541 --> 00:13:18,166
If you have to ask, honey,
you'll never know!
240
00:13:19,416 --> 00:13:21,791
Ugh. That guy sucks!
241
00:13:21,875 --> 00:13:25,416
No wonder people pay $2,000 on StubHub
to watch him get shot.
242
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,666
It's okay, Andre, just go have fun.
243
00:13:27,750 --> 00:13:31,000
I think I saw Jimmy Carter
scooping Viagra out of a big barrel.
244
00:13:31,083 --> 00:13:33,958
Fuck that, Gigi,
we're getting back at those snobs.
245
00:13:34,041 --> 00:13:37,250
Ugh,
other people's problems are boring.
246
00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:39,875
Feelings are for liberals
and baseball movies.
247
00:13:39,958 --> 00:13:41,708
Let's go party, Mushroom Man!
248
00:13:55,333 --> 00:13:59,333
We know you naughty aristocrats
love to destroy the Earth's resources,
249
00:13:59,416 --> 00:14:02,000
so get ready for our first event!
250
00:14:02,083 --> 00:14:04,208
The Lumberjack-off!
251
00:14:06,583 --> 00:14:10,541
I see you, Jair Bolsonaro.
Let the games begin!
252
00:14:10,625 --> 00:14:12,458
Dietrich, how about a little toast.
253
00:14:12,541 --> 00:14:14,333
I could drink to your demise.
254
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,500
May the best man win.
255
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,000
All right.
256
00:14:22,041 --> 00:14:25,708
Okay, Dad, the glove is on
and the gloves are off.
257
00:14:29,166 --> 00:14:30,406
What the...?
258
00:14:33,666 --> 00:14:34,750
I can't watch!
259
00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:37,333
What the hell?
This isn't supposed to be happening!
260
00:14:37,416 --> 00:14:41,083
Ha! Watch and see how it's done, axe-hole.
What the...?
261
00:14:43,041 --> 00:14:45,250
My crotch!
262
00:14:45,333 --> 00:14:49,041
Well, that's what humans get
for keeping their gonads on the outside.
263
00:14:49,125 --> 00:14:50,833
It's just poor breeding.
264
00:14:51,875 --> 00:14:54,041
Wait, what the hell is happening to Kluge?
265
00:14:54,125 --> 00:14:56,708
What? What the... Impossible!
266
00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:00,875
You son of a bitch.
267
00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:06,750
but I 'Mo-wanna' more money!"
268
00:15:06,833 --> 00:15:08,250
I'm so rich!
269
00:15:10,750 --> 00:15:13,958
Ugh. He brings so much joy to people.
It makes me sick.
270
00:15:14,041 --> 00:15:15,208
But what can we do?
271
00:15:15,291 --> 00:15:16,958
If only there was a way
272
00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:20,250
to give them the same crippling self-doubt
that I suffer from.
273
00:15:20,333 --> 00:15:21,333
That's it, Brett!
274
00:15:21,375 --> 00:15:24,000
Okay, here's what we do.
Now listen up, okay?
275
00:15:26,166 --> 00:15:28,375
Ugh! This isn't virgin blood!
276
00:15:28,458 --> 00:15:32,000
Who the hell do I have to sacrifice
to get some service around here?
277
00:15:32,083 --> 00:15:33,916
I thought this was the VIP section!
278
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:37,000
Yes, Visually Inconvenient People.
279
00:15:39,958 --> 00:15:41,916
I'm Dermot Baldwin.
280
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,708
I didn't know I existed either!
281
00:15:44,791 --> 00:15:47,291
You put us here because we're ugly?
282
00:15:47,375 --> 00:15:49,208
I'm a decorated war hero!
283
00:15:49,291 --> 00:15:50,916
My face is like a purple heart!
284
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:54,875
I won't stand for this harassment,
pal. Don't walk away all sexy like that!
285
00:15:54,958 --> 00:15:56,875
Oh, it ain't so bad here, strangers.
286
00:15:56,958 --> 00:16:00,166
Perfect place to sit a spell
and masturbate with no one watching!
287
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:03,500
Yep, that's right,
I'm the masturbating Reptoid.
288
00:16:03,583 --> 00:16:04,916
We're three of a kind!
289
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:06,208
Fuck me.
290
00:16:07,416 --> 00:16:09,583
Hey, what the fuck
do you think you're doing here?
291
00:16:09,666 --> 00:16:11,541
You're sabotaging my sabotage!
292
00:16:11,625 --> 00:16:14,833
Uh, you're the smartest one in the room.
You tell me.
293
00:16:14,916 --> 00:16:18,250
I'm not telling jack to a guy
who looks like an '80s supervillain.
294
00:16:18,333 --> 00:16:20,333
Yeah, says teen Bill Nye.
295
00:16:20,416 --> 00:16:22,458
Besides, I could ask you the same thing.
296
00:16:22,541 --> 00:16:24,416
My conspiracy is none of your business.
297
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:27,208
- And what the hell are those things?
- Hey! No, get off me!
298
00:16:27,291 --> 00:16:30,958
Lock and load, my pretties.
It's time for the manhunt!
299
00:16:31,041 --> 00:16:34,208
Manhunt, manhunt, manhunt!
300
00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:38,000
Manhunt!
301
00:16:38,583 --> 00:16:40,750
- Manhunt!
- Release the prisoner!
302
00:16:43,708 --> 00:16:46,125
Manhunt, manhunt!
303
00:16:49,833 --> 00:16:52,666
Oh! Two times is so unlikely.
304
00:16:55,416 --> 00:16:58,250
Impossible!
You're pulling some pagan bullshit on me!
305
00:16:58,333 --> 00:17:00,125
You let him get away, has-been!
306
00:17:01,583 --> 00:17:03,250
Hey, what are you two doing?
307
00:17:06,333 --> 00:17:09,041
Would you believe...
this is the second time...
308
00:17:09,125 --> 00:17:10,500
...I've been tased today?
309
00:17:10,583 --> 00:17:13,666
Judging by your personality...
...that sounds about right.
310
00:17:19,208 --> 00:17:22,625
Who would be dumb enough
to get thrown in Bohemian Grove Jail?
311
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:24,458
The righteous gotta stick together!
312
00:17:24,541 --> 00:17:26,125
- Alex Jones?
- Alex Jones?
313
00:17:26,208 --> 00:17:29,125
I got a plan to get us out of here,
but I need $25,000
314
00:17:29,208 --> 00:17:32,416
to invest in yak testosterone supplements
that will give me,
315
00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:36,208
now stay with me here,
time travel abilities!
316
00:17:36,291 --> 00:17:39,166
Great, now we're stuck here
with the school-shooting denier
317
00:17:39,250 --> 00:17:41,708
who looks like an orangutan
fucked a fire hydrant,
318
00:17:41,791 --> 00:17:44,875
because one of us couldn't keep our cool.
319
00:17:44,958 --> 00:17:46,708
Brave of you to admit that.
320
00:17:46,791 --> 00:17:50,583
Why were you trying
to sabotage your own company anyway?
321
00:17:50,666 --> 00:17:52,500
Eh, I don't want to talk about it.
322
00:17:52,583 --> 00:17:55,500
That's right, buddy,
you don't owe a woman a goddamn thing.
323
00:17:55,583 --> 00:17:57,583
Especially child support!
324
00:17:57,666 --> 00:18:00,791
Look, we gotta get out of here
before he takes his shirt off.
325
00:18:00,875 --> 00:18:02,958
Why does he do that?
Does he think it looks good?
326
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:05,791
Yeah, I think
he thinks it looks good. Truce?
327
00:18:06,625 --> 00:18:08,083
Temporary truce.
328
00:18:08,166 --> 00:18:11,166
I just need something I can use
to make a subliminal message.
329
00:18:11,250 --> 00:18:12,541
Do you have a tape recorder?
330
00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:15,625
Of course I do. I'm the only person left
who will listen to me!
331
00:18:17,458 --> 00:18:18,875
Cover your ears, okay?
332
00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:21,541
What in the flat world?
333
00:18:23,625 --> 00:18:24,875
Nice work. Give it here.
334
00:18:27,875 --> 00:18:29,500
Nepotism this!
335
00:18:34,125 --> 00:18:37,791
Ooh, the Atlanteans are disqualified
for the illegal use of sonar!
336
00:18:39,958 --> 00:18:44,125
Only Rand Ridley and Dietrich Kluge
remain for the final round.
337
00:18:44,208 --> 00:18:46,041
I still have time to sabotage my boss.
338
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,000
Not if I sabotage mine first.
339
00:18:48,083 --> 00:18:49,083
Hey! You!
340
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:50,500
Shit!
341
00:18:52,083 --> 00:18:53,458
Get them!
342
00:18:59,375 --> 00:19:01,333
Uh, you want to tase yourself.
343
00:19:01,416 --> 00:19:02,750
Tase myself.
344
00:19:05,250 --> 00:19:08,666
- Staedtler, wine bottle, now!
- Should we talk about your drinking?
345
00:19:08,750 --> 00:19:10,416
To hit him with, idiot!
346
00:19:15,791 --> 00:19:16,791
Shit.
347
00:19:17,416 --> 00:19:19,708
Quick, follow me into that owl's ass!
348
00:19:22,041 --> 00:19:25,291
'Taint nothing wrong
with a-masturbating yourself in public.
349
00:19:25,375 --> 00:19:27,833
Why, it's as natural as a spring day!
350
00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:30,500
Stuck in the back
because of our weird faces.
351
00:19:30,583 --> 00:19:32,583
No one understands our pain.
352
00:19:32,666 --> 00:19:35,291
Yo, bitches, the posse feels your pain.
353
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:37,333
They always sit us in the back.
354
00:19:37,416 --> 00:19:40,125
Probably because you're
literal fucking clowns.
355
00:19:40,208 --> 00:19:43,666
Check a mirror, my ninja.
Society is clowning on you.
356
00:19:43,750 --> 00:19:46,750
You feeling disrespected?
Treated like a joke?
357
00:19:46,833 --> 00:19:50,333
Our missions
do feel suspiciously like B-stories.
358
00:19:50,416 --> 00:19:51,583
Here's our literature.
359
00:19:56,666 --> 00:19:58,916
♪ Recognize miracles ♪
360
00:19:59,458 --> 00:20:02,625
My God! He has the most
powerful mind I've ever encountered.
361
00:20:02,708 --> 00:20:07,916
This insane clown posse is starting
to sound like a sane clown posse!
362
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,416
Welcome to the dark carnival, my friends.
363
00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:17,083
I can't believe we knocked out the Pope.
364
00:20:17,166 --> 00:20:19,916
I can't believe we brainwashed Alex Jones.
365
00:20:24,750 --> 00:20:27,583
So why'd they send you
to Anon-Anon anyway?
366
00:20:28,875 --> 00:20:30,583
Oof. Oh, boy.
367
00:20:31,166 --> 00:20:35,041
So, the day I was supposed
to get my Illuminati ten-year pin,
368
00:20:35,125 --> 00:20:39,666
they caught me trying to drink
an entire vat of mind-erasing liquid.
369
00:20:39,750 --> 00:20:41,375
Jesus, why?
370
00:20:41,458 --> 00:20:44,083
In college, I was a conspiracy theorist.
371
00:20:44,166 --> 00:20:45,916
I believed that behind the chaos
372
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:50,208
there must be some secret group
of geniuses that could save the world.
373
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:51,875
But look at these idiots.
374
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:58,583
Shadow government is just as dumb
as the regular government.
375
00:20:58,666 --> 00:21:01,333
It's just assholes all the way down.
376
00:21:02,541 --> 00:21:05,583
You were right about me, you know.
I did just want revenge.
377
00:21:05,666 --> 00:21:07,916
I even came up with a 30-point plan.
378
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,500
Even your vengeance is type A.
379
00:21:10,583 --> 00:21:12,416
Yeah.
380
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:16,000
God, why do smart people
always make dumb mistakes?
381
00:21:16,083 --> 00:21:17,625
Because the smarter you are,
382
00:21:17,708 --> 00:21:20,458
the better you are at rationalizing
stupid decisions.
383
00:21:20,958 --> 00:21:25,000
That's why the smartest people
end up working for the worst companies.
384
00:21:25,583 --> 00:21:29,208
Well, maybe not everything
is a stupid decision.
385
00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:32,500
Like what?
386
00:21:33,208 --> 00:21:34,500
Like this?
387
00:21:35,375 --> 00:21:39,083
Oh wow, enemies to lovers.
That's never been done before.
388
00:21:39,166 --> 00:21:42,208
Yeah, giant cliché.
As if we would do that.
389
00:21:43,791 --> 00:21:46,000
- I really want to, though.
- Very much same!
390
00:21:51,291 --> 00:21:53,416
And now, the final round.
391
00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:57,875
The ancient noble competition
known as the Pissing Contest!
392
00:21:57,958 --> 00:22:00,208
Watch me be number one at number one.
393
00:22:00,291 --> 00:22:04,333
The only thing you'll be pissing away
is your reputation. Watch this.
394
00:22:07,375 --> 00:22:09,833
Um... Okay!
395
00:22:09,916 --> 00:22:11,000
Mamma mia!
396
00:22:11,083 --> 00:22:12,833
I'm clutching my pearls!
397
00:22:17,250 --> 00:22:19,500
- What the... I didn't mean...
- I didn't mean... You...
398
00:22:19,583 --> 00:22:20,833
I mean, not unless...
399
00:22:23,750 --> 00:22:25,041
It's a draw!
400
00:22:25,125 --> 00:22:29,250
A years-long feud ended
in one beautiful gesture of intimacy.
401
00:22:29,333 --> 00:22:32,000
Now this is finally a party!
402
00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:35,375
You will rue the day
you humiliated the Illuminati.
403
00:22:35,458 --> 00:22:36,458
We see all!
404
00:22:36,541 --> 00:22:38,125
See my ass, Kluge.
405
00:22:38,208 --> 00:22:41,750
Cognito will bury you for this
like we buried Jimmy Hoffa!
406
00:22:43,875 --> 00:22:47,041
Yo, maybe Cognito
isn't just some boomer shit.
407
00:22:47,125 --> 00:22:50,416
- These guys are progressive as hell.
- Hey, listen up, you dicks.
408
00:22:50,500 --> 00:22:52,041
Y'all Brett-y for this?
409
00:22:54,708 --> 00:22:57,208
Oh, guys, please,
whatever this is, don't do it.
410
00:22:57,291 --> 00:22:59,875
♪ It's time to rhyme
It's a rhyming time ♪
411
00:22:59,958 --> 00:23:02,333
♪ Your treatment of my friend is a crime ♪
412
00:23:02,416 --> 00:23:03,416
Oh God.
413
00:23:14,833 --> 00:23:17,250
That was your plan? A rap battle?
414
00:23:17,333 --> 00:23:20,583
You're fucking with the greatest rapper
of all time, son!
415
00:23:23,166 --> 00:23:26,125
No, that wasn't our real plan.
416
00:23:26,208 --> 00:23:29,458
I spiked everyone's drinks with LSD
over an hour ago.
417
00:23:30,833 --> 00:23:34,333
We just needed to get you in one place
so we could watch.
418
00:23:34,416 --> 00:23:38,000
What? But I've never tried drugs before,
I'm high on life!
419
00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:40,791
Well, now you're high
on laboratory-grade brown acid.
420
00:23:40,875 --> 00:23:43,166
Prepare for psychedelic ego death!
421
00:23:43,250 --> 00:23:46,000
Oh God, I'm slightly overrated.
422
00:23:46,083 --> 00:23:49,791
If I tweet that, people will destroy me
for saying, "Beyoncé is overrated."
423
00:23:49,875 --> 00:23:52,083
Somebody get that dirt off my shoulder.
424
00:23:52,166 --> 00:23:55,750
I helped bring humanity
to the point of inevitable destruction!
425
00:23:57,083 --> 00:24:01,125
I'm sorry, Gigi. I am corny,
white history teacher bullshit.
426
00:24:01,208 --> 00:24:03,875
For fuck's sake,
I wrote the intro to a Garfield book!
427
00:24:03,958 --> 00:24:05,166
You can Google it.
428
00:24:05,250 --> 00:24:07,750
I'll give you a job. Just make this stop!
429
00:24:10,291 --> 00:24:13,583
Oh, I guess I am throwing away my shot.
430
00:24:15,083 --> 00:24:16,791
Really? You gave up your dream job?
431
00:24:16,875 --> 00:24:20,000
I already have a job
where I am the coolest in comparison.
432
00:24:20,083 --> 00:24:21,166
- Aw!
- Aw!
433
00:24:22,791 --> 00:24:24,833
I'm not the first Oprah.
434
00:24:25,958 --> 00:24:29,916
Wow, I really enjoy
rivalry sex, apparently.
435
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:34,416
- Something's wrong with me.
- No, something is wrong with us.
436
00:24:34,500 --> 00:24:36,875
Boo. Corny.
437
00:24:37,875 --> 00:24:41,458
You know what? I'm done wasting my energy
trying to fight my dad.
438
00:24:41,541 --> 00:24:44,041
He's just gonna fuck things up
on his own anyway.
439
00:24:44,125 --> 00:24:47,583
Maybe my next crazy plot
should be my own happiness.
440
00:24:47,666 --> 00:24:49,791
At least then you might have less regrets.
441
00:24:55,291 --> 00:24:56,708
To moving forward?
442
00:24:57,625 --> 00:24:58,666
To moving forward.
443
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:03,291
Wait, did you light this?
444
00:25:03,375 --> 00:25:04,750
I thought you did.
445
00:25:04,833 --> 00:25:06,958
Oh, shit! Someone set the owl on fire!
446
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,750
This whole thing has gone tits up.
Time to fire up the jet.
447
00:25:12,833 --> 00:25:15,353
- Where the hell are Glenn and Myc?
- We're not leaving.
448
00:25:16,166 --> 00:25:17,541
We found our family.
449
00:25:17,625 --> 00:25:20,250
Life is a struggle-o,
so now I'm a Juggalo.
450
00:25:20,333 --> 00:25:21,333
Woop-woop!
451
00:25:21,375 --> 00:25:25,833
Drop the hatchet
on restrictive societal expectations!
452
00:25:25,916 --> 00:25:29,958
Woop-woop!
453
00:25:30,041 --> 00:25:30,916
What the shit?
454
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,375
You dumbasses look insane.
Look in a mirror.
455
00:25:35,416 --> 00:25:38,125
Jesus Christ,
what the fuck are we doing?
456
00:25:38,208 --> 00:25:40,541
Why is my wallet on a metal leash?
457
00:25:40,625 --> 00:25:42,666
Where would it be trying to go?
458
00:25:42,750 --> 00:25:44,208
I thought we were into this!
459
00:25:44,291 --> 00:25:48,416
- We look like fucking idiots, Glenn!
- My name isn't Glenn anymore.
460
00:25:48,500 --> 00:25:51,583
It's Killer Nugs,
and this tattoo is permanent.
461
00:26:01,666 --> 00:26:04,500
Wow. We hide out in an owl
for ten minutes and...
462
00:26:04,583 --> 00:26:06,458
The whole place falls apart without us.
463
00:26:06,541 --> 00:26:07,541
- Typical.
- Typical.
464
00:26:08,208 --> 00:26:10,250
Well, I should probably get back to my...
465
00:26:10,333 --> 00:26:13,250
Yeah, and I should probably
get back to my...
466
00:26:13,333 --> 00:26:14,333
Yeah.
467
00:26:15,916 --> 00:26:17,375
Two rival companies.
468
00:26:18,333 --> 00:26:19,958
We could get in a lot of trouble.
469
00:26:20,041 --> 00:26:23,208
Yeah, if only we were in a line of work
where we both knew how to keep a secret.
470
00:26:24,833 --> 00:26:29,041
Still, it's gonna be, uh, pretty stressful
hiding this whole thing.
471
00:26:29,125 --> 00:26:32,208
We're probably gonna need
a lot of therapy.
472
00:26:32,708 --> 00:26:34,916
- See you at the next meeting?
- I'll be there.
473
00:26:39,250 --> 00:26:43,791
Oh God. I, Alex Jones,
am secretly in love with Hillary Clinton.
474
00:26:43,875 --> 00:26:45,375
Don't tell, people!
475
00:26:46,541 --> 00:26:47,416
Aha!
476
00:26:49,250 --> 00:26:53,416
I'm free! I'm free!
477
00:26:53,500 --> 00:26:54,500
Who the hell are you?
478
00:26:54,583 --> 00:26:55,833
Who the hell am I?
479
00:26:55,916 --> 00:26:58,625
I'm J.R. fucking Scheimpough.
480
00:26:58,708 --> 00:27:01,333
Who the hell are you? Chewbacca?
481
00:27:01,416 --> 00:27:02,750
Goddamn it.
482
00:27:31,791 --> 00:27:34,750
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