All language subtitles for The.Opposite.Sex.1956.1080p.BluRay.FLAC.x264-HANDJOB

♪ Why do men go into diamond mines ♪

♪ Seeking stones as bright as
stars that glimmer? ♪

♪ Why do little silkworms
go about their business ♪

♪ To make my lady's limbs just shimmer? ♪

♪ Why do those talented Parisian gents ♪

♪ Wrack their brains
concocting fragrant scents? ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

♪ And why do minks ♪

♪ Yes, why do minks ♪

♪ Willingly let themselves get trapped? ♪

♪ The answer is not too complex ♪

♪ The answer is ♪

♪ The opposite sex ♪

♪ Why do men who should know better ♪

♪ Gape at a well-filled sweater? ♪

♪ What's there about it ♪

♪ That keeps them craning their necks? ♪

♪ Hmmm? ♪

♪ The answer is ♪

♪ The opposite sex ♪

♪ Now to explore the topic,
take matters philanthropic ♪

♪ What keeps them writing
those non-deductible checks? ♪

Give up?

♪ The answer is ♪

♪ The opposite sex ♪

♪ There are no substitutes
for this original thrill ♪

♪ There is no chemistry
can ever replace it, friends ♪

♪ Face it, friends ♪

♪ Folks who were once frustrated ♪

♪ What gets them all elated? ♪

♪ It's very simple,
although it may sound complex ♪

♪ It means that they've uncovered it ♪

♪ Come to and discovered
that wonderful bit ♪

♪ Called the opposite sex ♪

Women.

Ladies.

The female of the species.

Sometimes livelier than the male.

Always deadlier.

This is Fifth Avenue.

Here women who can't afford it
go to look at women who can.

And this is Sydneys,

where you can get
a shampoo, set, and manicure

and the latest dirt about
your next-door neighbor,

all for one exorbitant price.

Where pounds and reputations
are both lost in the steam room,

and one woman's poise
is another woman's poison.

But don't get me wrong.

Some of my best friends are women.

Good morning, Duncan.

Good morning, Miss Penrose,
we're all ready for you.

Thanks.

Miss Penrose, my husband and I
saw your new play Saturday night.

How do you ever think to write
all those devastating lines?

I don't,
I just listen to the talk around here.

- Good morning, Miss Penrose.
- Hello, Violet. Who's in the house today?

Anybody worth avoiding?

I wouldn't know about that.

The Duchess of Wembley is here, though.

And that lady that
threw the knife in her husband last year.

Out already?

Oh, and yes, your friend Mrs. Fowler.

Would you like me to get a dryer
next to her?

No, thanks.
I'll take the knife-thrower any day.

crazy about her, and all the time
he was pinching every fanny in the place.

Oh, hello, Miss Penrose.

I'll take you right after
I finish Mrs. Fowler.

Fine, Olga.

Amanda, darling.

Why didn't you tell me you were coming
over here?

I'd have stopped by and picked you up.

- It's right on the way...
- My dear friend Sylvia Fowler.

If you've got Sylvia for a friend,

you don't need any enemies.

Her husband, Howard, made his fortune

in a little paper miracle
called Hanky-Panks.

It kills me to think every time
I blow my nose, I make Sylvia richer.

You really ought to stop
all this writing nonsense

and get yourself a husband.

One thing about marriage,
it's so good for a woman's complexion.

A jar of face cream doesn't snore.

Ah-ah-ah! Don't be bitter, darling.

Anyway, that suit is divine.

Cuts your waist right in half.

Thank you.

And puts 10 pounds on her hips.

Well, like I said, this Mrs. Buffum.

I feel awfully sorry for any woman
who has to lose that much alimony.

After all, she worked so hard getting it.

And then there's
this Mrs. Steven Hilliard.

Of course, I haven't seen her...

Who?

Mrs. Steven Hilliard, the producer's wife.

Doesn't your husband put money
in her husband's shows?

Yes. What about her?

Well, I don't like to say anything
about someone I don't really know,

but I know this other girl personally.

She has the apartment
right next door to me.

And this Steven Hilliard,
I keep passing him in the hall.

Well, of course, I can't blame him.

You should see this Crystal Allen.

She's got one of those figures.

Men turn around in the streets,
if you know what I mean.

Mrs. Fowler, your nails!

You'll smudge 'em.

Ohh! Ohh!

Edith Potter?

Steam room.

Edith? Edith Potter?

- What?
- It's Sylvia.

Are you alone?

Yes. Why?

Hold on to your hat, darling.

Steven Hilliard's cheating on Kay.

What happened?

I knocked over the salt can.

What do you think
of that little bombshell?

I can hardly believe it.

Steven just doesn't seem like the type.

I didn't think he looked at another woman.

Well, he's looked at this one, all right.

And from what Olga said,
she's got plenty to look at.

Where'd Steven meet her?

She's a showgirl in his own show.

Oh, poor Kay. And she's so mad about him.

- Mrs. Fowler?
- Yes?

Telephone. You can take it right out here.

Thank you.

You're done, Mrs. Potter.

You can come out now.

Now I know what a steamed clam feels like.

Hello?

Oh, um...

hello, darling.

It's her. It's Kay.

Kay?

Don't say a word.

Really, Edith. Do I ever?

Yes, dear. Yes, yes,
Edith and I are just finishing up here.

We're coming right over to the meeting.

- Mm-hm.
- Meeting?

The Footlights Home Benefit.

Um, by the way, how's Steven, darling?

Sylvia!

Oh, you're with him now.

Oh, Steven's having auditions
for a road company.

And I really caught him today,

going out with another woman.

Relax, Sylvia,
it's only to Schrafft's and the zoo.

He and Debbie have a standing date
every Wednesday.

Well, I think
it's awfully smart for a wife

to check up on her husband
in the afternoon.

Well, when he takes out
someone older than seven,

I'll start worrying.

See you at 21.

Thanks, Bill.

Right, Mrs. Hilliard.

♪ If you're searching
for a paradise, my friend... ♪

Debbie.

I've got to run along.

You take good care of our fella, will you?

Oh, Mother, don't I always?

Well, no complaints so far.

Shh.

Oh, darling.

Hmm?

Do you remember a man
by the name of Charlie Moore?

He used to sing on radio, oh, a lot,
about nine or 10 years ago.

Yes.

Well, he's going to audition.

Find something for him, will you?

Well, I don't know. What part can he play?

The part of an old friend of mine
who needs a job.

All right.

Just for getting an old friend a job?

Mm-mm. First installment on your present.

Happy anniversary, darling.

Tomorrow night.

This is 21,

and this is Dolly DeHaven,

- who isn't.
- Jessie, dear.

Every morning 400,000 New Yorkers

sweeten their coffee with
Dolly's syndicated column.

Through wind and sleet and storm,

from Sardi's to The Colony,

she makes her daily rounds.

Everybody loves Dolly,

especially when she spells
their names right.

What are you four conspiring about?

- Hello, Dolly.
- Hi, Dolly.

Anything unfit to print?

Not today.

Oh, you. If I had to depend
on any dirt about you for a living,

I'd starve to death.

Well now, I may just surprise you one day
and run away with the milkman.

Oh, you're not the type.

Now with Edith, here, I could believe it.

"Mother of Seven
Leaves Lawyer For Milkman."

Edith Potter, not again!

Mother of eight in three months.

Really, it's getting monotonous,

watching you eat for two all the time.

Banana splits, with me on watercress.

Dolly, how about a plug for
Footlights Home Benefit?

We're adding a new wing this year.

Oh, so that's what
this little coffee klatsch is all about.

Oh, here, darling, hold Pancho
for a minute.

There.

Okay. When is it?

September the 12th
at the Helen Hayes Theatre.

Lots of stars and lots of glamour.

Yes and lots of tickets
at 100 bucks a throw, I know.

Hello, Tony! It's Tony Martin.

You can tell when the rascal's
been in Miami.

Look at that tan.

Oh, mommy's little precious.

What's he got all over his little mouth?

Watercress.

Ezio! Ezio, you devil!

Where did you disappear to last night?

Someday, somebody's going to drown
that mutt in a martini.

Kay, is that Mike Pearl over there?

He's trying to attract your attention.

Oh, yes. I'll bet he has
someone we can use.

I'll be right back.

Hi, Mike.

How are you, sweetheart?

- Wonderful.
- How about a drink?

No, thank you.

Got anyone we can use
for the Footlights Home Benefit?

- What do you need?
- Oh, anything.

Dancing girls, jugglers, trained seals.

What about a retired singer? A few years
out in pasture, but how about it?

You want to go back to work?

Not a chance. I like that pasture.

Oh, now, you're not going to let
a polite refusal

hurt your feelings, are you, Mike?

Feelings? I'm an agent.
Who's got feelings?

Give me your name back on a contract,

and I can make a nice dollar. That's all.

You're kidding yourself, Mike.
It's been a long time.

What's 10 lousy years?

You wanna waste the rest of your life
with nothing but happiness?

He's shaking his head.
Doesn't look so good.

Want to make a bet?

What man could say no to her?

Maybe one closer to home than you think.

Oh, you're so inventive, darling.
I ought to go to you for plots.

You ought to go to someone.

Let's talk about the ticket sale, huh?

You just can't stand
Kay's happiness, can you, Sylvia?

- Gets you down.
- That's ridiculous. Why should it?

Because she has the grace
to be what she is.

Which is what?

A woman.

And what are we?

Females.

The lost sex.

Substituting fashion for passion

and the analyst's couch
for the double bed.

Really, Amanda!

Maybe it would be much better for Kay
to know the truth about Steven...

The truth?

A lot of gossip from
a babbling manicurist who...

Oh, I forgot.

You had your nails done today, too.

Well then we can all let our hair down
and talk frankly, can't we?

Sylvia, if you spread
that vile story around, I'll...

Here I come. Ready or not!

How'd it go?

Anything we want.

How about Steven? He's giving us a number
from the show, isn't he?

Isn't that why I was elected chairman
of this committee?

Um, why don't we all drop in
on the matinee after lunch

and see what we can use?

There's something in the show
I'd like to take another look at.

Count me out.

And I'm sure Kay couldn't bear
sitting through it again.

Oh, I wouldn't mind,

but I have a fitting on my dress
for the party tomorrow night.

I've really splurged!

But I figure a woman's ego needs
a little building up

on her 10th anniversary.

Wouldn't it be cheaper
just to change your hairdo?

Or maybe the color of your nails?

It's a good idea.

What's that you've got on Sylvia,
a new shade?

- Mm-hm.
- It's pretty.

Jungle Red.

There's a divine manicurist at Sydneys.

Olga's her name.

Why, you've got it on, too, Amanda.

Yes, I was thinking of tearing at a few
throats myself.

I'll be darned if I think that's funny!

Oh, relax, Sylvia.
You know Amanda can't resist a good line.

And I like the shade, I really do.

Sydneys, Olga, Jungle Red...

I'll remember it.

♪ There's yellow gold
on the trees, the banana ♪

♪ Yellow gold on the trees, the banana ♪

♪ With a twist of the wrist,
you're a capitalist ♪

♪ There's yellow gold... ♪

Here it is. "Crystal Allen."

She's in this number.

♪ Gold on the trees, the banana ♪

♪ Trees, the banana ♪

♪ Trees, the banana ♪

♪ Trees, the banana trees ♪

♪ There are lovely ladies
of an endless variety ♪

♪ You can keep a dozen
with the utmost propriety ♪

♪ So much plenty
every man can get a share ♪

♪ A place where every man
is a bananionaire ♪

♪ There's yellow gold
on the trees, the banana ♪

♪ Yellow gold
on the trees, the banana... ♪

We'll get a good look at her now.

Olga said she's got a sensational figure.

♪ ...gold on the,
treasures untold on the ♪

♪ Yellow gold on the trees, the banana ♪

♪ Trees, the banana ♪

♪ Trees, the banana ♪

♪ Trees, the banana... ♪

Close in here, isn't it?

Guess I shouldn't have eaten
that banana split.

Oh, Edith.
This is no time for morning sickness.

It's three o'clock in the afternoon.

- I know that, but does my stomach?
- Sh!

♪ Banana cake, we got banana steak ♪

♪ Banana roast, or banana stew ♪

♪ Banana dresses and banana shoes ♪

♪ Banana houses and banana huts ♪

♪ Bananas taste just like coconuts ♪

♪ Bananas more than bananas less... ♪

Sylvia, I don't feel so well.

Oh, don't be a bore, Edith.

They'll be through
with those bananas in a minute.

Shhh!

♪ There's yellow gold
on the trees, the banana ♪

♪ Yellow gold on the trees, the banana ♪

♪ If you're passing, drop in... ♪

Sylvia.

Sylvia.

Oh, be quiet, Edith.
Think of something else.

- I am.
- What?

Getting out of here.

♪ On the trees ♪

Come on! Here we go!
Get a move on here! Come on. Here we go.

You got eight minutes to change!

I got it right from the horse's mouth,
I tell you.

They're going to make her
hand in her notice.

So, they'll get a new understudy. Let 'em.

But, Crystal, it's the second-best part
in the show.

And an extra 50 Bucks a week.

Boy, if I had your connections,

I'd make something out of it.

Understudy to
the second-best part in the show?

Well, you don't know.
She might break a leg or something.

Oh, you see too many movies.

Look at this rathole!

You think all I want is a bigger one?

With a cleaner sink

or a lousy cover
over the radiator?

What about a star on the door?

Star or chorus, it's still on your feet
for eight shows a week.

There's no business
like show business, honey,

when you're sitting out there
in those 8.80 seats

with a sable wrap over your shoulder,
your car and chauffeur out at the curb.

But you had your chance for all that.

What about that jerk lumberman
from Portland?

I hate trees.

Even with money growing on them?

Not enough. I looked him up.

What do you want, Sonny?

Drugstore guy sent it up.

Important, he said.

I'd give every cent I've got
to be a millionaire.

Beat it, you juvenile delinquent!

I got to make a call.
I'll be back in a few minutes.

Trouble?

Oh, excuse me!

Believe me, I think you're playing
this thing all wrong.

Smart girls take what they can get.

Smart girls get what they can take!

Hello?

Hello, Steven.

It was good of you
to answer my message so quickly.

I... I'm sorry if it sounded so urgent,
but, Steven...

if I could just see you again.

Oh, Crystal.

Oh, please, Steven.

If we could just get together,

just once more.

Look, Crystal,
it... it'll only be more difficult.

Just for a few minutes.

Crystal, please, please don't.

Oh, I think it would be easier for me.

Oh, please, Steven.

All right.

Oh, thank you, darling.

After the show tonight.

I'll be waiting.

Give me a quick coffee, Ralph.

Coffee?

And I'll have another bromo, please.

- Coffee and a bromo.
- Sorry, Sylvia,

but maybe it's just as well.

After all, it's none of our business,
you know.

Don't you kid yourself.
It's every woman's business.

How do I know when some little beazel
might not get her claws into my Howard?

And don't you be too sure about Phelps.

Phelps? In a law office?

You ever seen some of
those court stenographers, darling?

Shorthand isn't all they can take.

Have a doughnut, Crystal?

- The glazed came in today.
- Mm-mm.

You sure you don't feel well enough

to see the rest of the show, dear?

Oh, what a shame,

after Steven was nice enough to get us
those lovely house seats.

Well, we'll just have to
make our apologies

tomorrow night at the anniversary party.

How long is it now
that they've been married?

Ten years, I think.

Aw, poor Kay.

Well, that's just about the time
when it gets to open season on husbands.

And Steven is such fair game,

with all those pretty little things
backstage

trying so hard to get ahead.

May I bother you for the sugar?

May I?

Thank you... Miss.

Miss Allen... Crystal Allen.

Isn't that what you wanted to know?

I beg your pardon!

Check?

Give it to the lady, Ralph.

She's getting off cheap at that.

Even a good look at the Statue of Liberty
costs a buck!

- Oh!
- Did you get the champagne?

Yeah. I went to five stores
before I found it.

Victoire!

- Do you know how much this costs?
- I know, I know.

It's like buying oats for a dead horse.

Okay, honey, no blow, will ya?

Aw, come on, Crystal.
Let me rest a minute.

Oh, Pat, please, he'll be here any minute.

Custer's last stand!

Look, honey. Let's keep on being friends,

but you butt out of my business
and I'll butt out of yours, okay?

- Okay.
- Now, come on.

Who is it?

Miss Crystal Allen?

Sign here, please.

I'll return the oats on my way home.

Get out!

Aw, look. At least he sent you roses.

I once had a guy that sent me
one lily with a black ribbon around it.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Ten million dollars
and she gives me a quarter tip.

- What a profession!
- Yeah.

Sometimes I think if I've got to look at
another hangnail, I'll throw up.

Who you got next?

I don't know.

Some fill-in on a cancellation.

Looking for me, madam? Olga?

- Yes.
- I'll take you in here.

Want me to close them, Olga?

Please, Marie.

I just love getting new clients!

I think it puts a girl on her mettle.

Oh, my! What interesting hands!

I always say you can tell
a person's character by their hands.

What shade polish do you wear?

Well I thought that maybe Jungle Red...

That's our newest!

Did anyone in particular
recommend me to you?

Yes, Mrs. Fowler.

Mrs. Fowler. Isn't she a lamb!

She sent me three clients last week.

Know Mrs. Herbert Parish?

- No, I...
- Well, Mrs. Herbert Parish was telling me

that Mr. Parish got angry last week
and closed up all her charge accounts.

And she told him
her bedroom door wouldn't open again

until those charge accounts did!

Soak your left hand, please.

And then I did Mrs. Phelps Potter
at her apartment last week.

That oldest daughter of hers,
only 14 and can't let the boys alone!

They may have to send her
to school in Switzerland.

Know Mrs. Steven Hilliard?

Why, yes, I'm...

Mrs. Fowler must have told you about that.

Oh, Mrs. Fowler feels awfully sorry
for her.

Oh, she does? Well, I don't.

You would if you knew this girl.

What girl?

This Crystal Allen.

Crystal Allen?

Yes, you know.
The girl who's hooked Mr. Hilliard.

Oh, did I cut too deep? I'm sorry.

Well, Crystal's an acquaintance of mine.

She's a terrible mantrap
and he's the latest, I guess.

Steven Hilliard?

Yes. He's the producer
of the show she's in.

But it's funny,
that isn't the way they met.

It was at Saks Fifth Avenue
a couple of months ago.

Crystal wanted some cologne,
and I went with her.

And this man was buying
some perfume at the counter for his wife

and having a hard time deciding.

And Crystal spots him right away and
she goes right up to him and says,

"You don't know me, but I work for you.

And if there's anything I can do
to help you make a selection."

And she gives him this fancy talk
and bats those sexy eyelashes.

And well, Crystal's not the girl
to let grass grow under her feet.

So a week later,
he's having supper at her apartment.

Did I hurt? I'm sorry.

Now, Jungle Red, you said.
One coat or two?

Never mind.

But I thought that's what you came for.

All Mrs. Fowler's friends...

I've gotten what all
Mrs. Fowler's friends come for.

Oh, thanks.

Well, should I tell her
you were in, Mrs...?

Mrs. Steven Hilliard.

Mrs. Steven...

Oh, gee!

Gee, I'm sorry, Mrs. Hilliard.

I didn't... isn't there something I can do?

Yes. Stop telling that story.

Oh, sure, sure. I will.

And please,

don't tell anyone you told it to me.

I won't. I promise.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Hilliard.

Crystal's terribly clever
and terribly pretty.

At least it's good to know
what you're up against.

Hello, Kay.

I don't think she heard you, Miss...

Kay, this isn't a new story.

I've written it a dozen times myself.

It happens to most wives.

He's been married 10 years.

- As simple as that.
- As simple as that.

When women get doubts about themselves,

they change their hairdo or
buy a new dress

or redecorate the house.

Oh, I suppose a man could redo his office,

but he never thinks
of anything so obvious.

A man only has one solution,

to see himself for a moment
in the mirror of some new eyes.

That's very touching.

This girl means no more to him than...

A few weeks and it'll be something
he wants to forget unless you...

Thank you for trying, Amanda,
but no thanks.

I've seen all those plays you've written.

I've read all those articles
in the magazines.

"What To Do About the Other Woman."

Well, they all left out just one thing.

What to do when it happens to you.

There's only one thing to do.
Nothing, ignore it.

Keep still when you're aching to shout.

That's the only sacrifice
an over-privileged wife

has to make to keep her man.

And what if I don't want him
on those terms?

You love him, don't you?

I'll get over it, people do.

Look, I'm leaving tomorrow
for a few weeks in Bermuda.

Why not come along, get some fresh air,

and then decide what to do?

What the devil,
you can always wreck your marriage.

It's already wrecked.

You know, now might be a good time
to take a little inventory of yourself.

Maybe you haven't been perfect either,

or worse yet, maybe you have.

Come on, get dressed.
I'll see you downstairs.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening.

In the garden, sir.

Your arm.

- Hello, everybody.
- Hello, darling.

Oh, darling!

Good to see you.

Hello, Sylvia.

- How's my favorite playwright doing?
- Hello, Amanda.

Going to let me put some money
in the next one?

Sorry, Howard, I never accept money
from friends, relatives, or millionaires.

Who else is there?

- Sylvia!
- Happy anniversary, darling.

- Thank you. Hello, Howard, how are you?
- Steve, good to see you.

- Good to see you.
- Where's Kay?

Oh, she's not down yet.

In the garden, Mr. Potter.

Thank you, John.

Anyway, what does it matter
as long as she doesn't know?

After all, Steven doesn't go into
this sort of thing

like a chain smoker, you know.

Not that I condone him,

but what he sees in that little piece
of bric-a-brac I'll never know,

married to someone like Kay.

- I know what you're thinking. Nobody...
- That's enough, Edith.

Yes, dear.

Good evening.

- Ah, there they are.
- All three of them.

Hello, Mike. Where's Kay?

Still dressing.

How long does it take to gild a lily?

- Oh, may I, Daddy?
- Ah!

Kay, my dear!

How dare you look like that
after 10 years!

Stunning gown. Dior?

Well, who's here? Where's the bar?

I simply must drink a toast
to you and Steven.

You know, you may be the only couple
I know still married

on their 10th anniversary.

Well, shall we have that drink now?

Happy anniversary, Kay.

Happy anniversary!

Just a second, everybody.

Just a second.

Just a second, now.

Well, when?

Just a second, Sylvia.

Mike, stand still.

I am standing still.

Oh. All right, now.

Everybody, say, "Cheese."

Cheese.

Hold it.

Ah.

Oh, Howard, do put away the camera now.

Stop being a bore.

Well you know you're tight and
they'll all come out without heads anyway.

She's really wild about me.

Open some more presents, Kay.

Oh, yes, do.
I have a phobia about unopened presents.

Or is it a complex?

Hey, let's hurry it up
so we can send them all home.

Um, I think I need a refill.

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Open mine next.
It's not the suspense, well, it just...

I know what's inside,

but if you don't hurry up,
I'll be too stiff to appreciate it.

All right, if you're going to
make a scene.

Oh, Howard, do stop being childish.

Oh, shut up.

Kay, what a wonderful surprise.

First copy of a new album
coming out next week.

- When'd you do it?
- She didn't.

It's just some record she
made years ago reissued.

Well, you didn't want to go back to work,

and you know an agent's got to eat.

Ah, it's a wonderful present, Mike.

Mike, darling, you can do
my Christmas shopping anytime.

Thanks a lot, Dolly.

What do you think, cookie?

You're not mad, are you?

Mad? Why should I be mad?

It isn't very often
you get to hear yourself playin'.

Who knows?
I may want to start all over again.

Kay Ashley rides again.

That's more like it.

Put one on now, Kay.

What do you think I brought them for?
Pie plates?

It's so nostalgic, darling.

We should have all come in costume.

Didn't you?

Oh, maybe Sylvia's right.

What's an anniversary party
without a little touch of corn?

♪ The young man with a horn ♪

♪ They crowd around to hear him play ♪

♪ He sends them all but not away ♪

♪ He plays from night till early morn ♪

♪ The young man with a horn ♪

♪ The young man with a horn ♪

♪ He blows it hot, he blows it sweet ♪

♪ It's always got a solid beat ♪

♪ Well, he makes Gabriel sound like corn ♪

♪ The young man with a horn ♪

♪ Blow, man ♪

♪ Oh, man ♪

♪ Yeah, man ♪

♪ No man ♪

♪ Can blow the trumpet like ♪

♪ The young man with a horn ♪

♪ There may be lots of famous names ♪

♪ Lots of famous halls of fames ♪

♪ But there is just one Mr. James ♪

♪ The young man with a horn ♪

♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet ♪

♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet ♪

♪ All of the girls ♪

♪ Are staking their claims ♪

♪ On the pinup man ♪

♪ In the picture frames ♪

♪ On the man with the two front names ♪

♪ Harry ♪

♪ James ♪

♪ The young man with a horn ♪

♪ Do la da da do la doo day ♪

♪ He blows it high ♪

♪ He blows it sweet ♪

♪ Can't be beat ♪

♪ Harry! ♪

Thar he blows!

♪ He's the young man with a horn ♪

Okay, men, okay. Settle down.

Now, let's give her a break.

She's done three shows today,

and she still wants to go down
to the hospital

and sing some songs for those guys.

May I?

Oh, I've been selected to escort you.

This way.

Who selected you to escort me?

Captain of the outfit.

Captain who?

Captain Steven Hilliard.

Oh, Mike, do put
another record on, will you, darling?

Yes, Mike. Please do.

Oh, no. This next one we ain't gonna play.

Not while we got the original
here in person.

Oh, no, Mike.

Oh, you've got to.

Come on, your old theme song.

Joe, you remember Kay's theme song.

- Sure.
- Well, go ahead,

make with the introduction.

I... I don't even remember the words.

Uh, "When you find a perfect love."

If you please, Joe,
the introduction again.

♪ When you find a perfect love ♪

♪ No other kiss but his ♪

♪ Can touch your heart ♪

♪ All at once
your dreams are silver lined ♪

♪ Two hearts as one combined ♪

♪ Can find a world apart ♪

♪ And then ♪

♪ You know the perfect thrill ♪

♪ That all the wise men still ♪

♪ Can't know the meaning of ♪

♪ Yours the warmth and yours the glow ♪

♪ When at last you come to know ♪

♪ The wonder ♪

♪ Of a perf... ♪

I really... I really don't want...

Steve. She's wonderful.

- I want to get a picture of you and Kay.
- All right, all right.

Steven, she'll be all right.

It's just all that champagne.

And this has been a big day for her.

Yeah, I guess so.
I'll go up and talk to her.

No, no. Let me.
Why don't you wrap up the party?

All right. Good idea.

Anything wrong, Steven?

No, no. Just too much excitement, I guess.

Let's have a drink, shall we?

Mm.

Here's one for
the "Hit the Road" department.

"Mrs. Steven Hilliard,
wife of the Broadway producer,

off to enjoy the Bermuda sun

while her husband sends another company

of his hit show,
Yellow Gold, on the road."

Enjoying the Bermuda sun,
did you get that?

I got a hunch she's not enjoying it much.

What do you mean?

How much time we got before the matinee?

Hour or so.

You go on ahead.

I've got a little business
to take care of.

I thought that little business
didn't want to be taken care of.

All of a sudden, I'm not so sure.

Oh!

One of these days,

I'm going to have a bathroom
as big as the Radio City Music Hall.

Who ever gets that dirty?

Thank you.
What can I do for you, little lady?

One double Popsicle, please, raspberry.

Well, we got a lady here
for double raspberry.

Make it two.

Two coming up.

Here you are, little lady.

- Thank you.
- Miss.

Thank you very much.

Do you mind if I walk along with you?

You here alone?

Mm-hmm.

My daddy brought me.
We come almost every Wednesday.

I know. I mean,
you seem so at home here in the park.

My name's Debbie.

I don't like boys, do you?

Some of them come in handy.

What's your name?

Crystal.

Why, Crystal.

Steven, how nice to run into you.

Oh, this isn't your daughter?
What a wonderful coincidence.

You've met Miss Allen?

You mean Crystal?

Oh, sure, we're old friends.

Debbie, why don't you
go look after your boat?

Or by this time,
it might be winding up in Tahiti.

Oh, I forgot. Excuse me.

- Oh, Daddy, would you hold this?
- All right, dear.

I didn't know you were a park fancier.

I walk here often.

Backstage you sometimes forget

there are still things
like trees and flowers

and air.

I haven't seen you
around the theater lately.

I've been busy.

You know, the road company and...

And with your wife away.

I read that she went to Bermuda.

Yes.

She went with a friend.
I couldn't get away.

I see.

Steven, does she know?

About us, I mean.

No, of course not.

I thought such a sudden trip,

maybe she...

I may as well be honest with you, Steven.

I even hoped that it was true,

and that you were just
too proud to call me.

So you decided to come
to see for yourself, huh?

You think that I...

I'm afraid you underestimate me, Crystal.

Or maybe you underestimate me.

I have some pride,

not much where you're concerned,
it's true,

but enough so that I'd walk somewhere else

if I'd known you were here.

I better go, I have a matinee to make.

Crystal.

I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply...

That's all right, Steven.

It's not me you have to worry about.

You see, I understand you,

maybe better than your wife.

Better get dressed, Debbie.

You'll be late for school.

Soon as I finish this part, Daddy.

That bumblebee sounds pretty tired.

Maybe he just flew in from Bermuda.

Mother!

You're back!

Hi!

Thought you were coming next week.

Why did you fly back quicker?

Because I missed you... both.

You'll never know how much I missed you.

Anybody got a hug for me, too?

- Hi, Amanda!
- Hiya, lovebug.

You should have let us know.
We would have met you.

Hey, now, wait a minute,
wa... hold it. Hold it.

Now, let's get all this confusion
organized.

What do you we do it over breakfast?

We're having waffles.

No, thanks. I've got the cab waiting.

You go ahead, I'll call you tomorrow.

- All right, bye-bye now.
- Bye.

Bye.

Ham and cheese.

Coffee at the other end.

Considering the occasion, Sylvia,

you could have thought of something
more appropriate than ham.

Oh, I have a tongue sandwich,
darling, just for you.

That trip to Bermuda
seems to have done Kay a lot of good.

Yes, there's nothing like
getting away from your friends.

Too bad she didn't take Steven with her.

- Ham or cheese?
- Later, thanks.

Mrs. Hilliard, more problems.

Dinah Shore's plane is late,

and Marge and Gower Champion
can't get here till 11.

Well, don't look at me.
You're the producer tonight.

I'm going to sit out front
and enjoy the show.

And I'm going to go out and
get a hot pastrami sandwich.

This cockamamie food I wouldn't wish on
my worst friends.

All right, you deserters.

Here. I'll report back in a little while,

just for moral support.

And I'll bring you back a nice pickle.

Oh, thanks a lot.

We can move up the number
from Yellow Gold.

It's all right with Dick Shawn
if it's all right with you.

Well, fine, I'll go and see
if the girls are ready.

May I come in?

Sure, Mrs. Hilliard. Come ahead.

There have been
a few hitches in the schedule.

Would you girls mind
going on now instead of later?

- Sure, Mrs. Hilliard.
- It's okay by me.

We're about ready anyway.

Oh, fine. We really do appreciate it.

Boy, have you got the wrong number.

I was watching her face.

She doesn't even know you're alive.

In fact, honey, you're dead.

Okay, Al.

Oh, fine. Announce the Dick Shawn number.

Kay, I can't face another piece
of pumpernickel.

Oh, you've done a wonderful job, Sylvia.

Now relax and enjoy yourself.

♪ Doctor, I need help ♪

♪ Doctor, I need help ♪

♪ Start from the beginning ♪

♪ Start from the beginning ♪

♪ It started in my youth ♪

♪ It started in my youth ♪

♪ What part of your youth? ♪

♪ Slowly, the truth ♪

♪ When I was, say, 10 or under ♪

♪ When you were, say, 10 or under ♪

♪ I didn't like toys or dogs or cats ♪

♪ I didn't play games with baseball bats ♪

♪ When other boys were so engaged ♪

♪ A feeling in me stormed and raged ♪

♪ And I discovered that faces with curls ♪

♪ Were nicely attached
to the bodies of girls ♪

Whee!

♪ Girls, girls, girls, girls, girls ♪

♪ Girls, girls, girls, girls! ♪

♪ This when you were 10 or under? ♪

♪ I didn't go in for nature's hikes ♪

♪ I didn't have pogo sticks or bikes ♪

♪ When other boys were so employed ♪

♪ A feeling in me gnawed and gnawed ♪

♪ And I discovered that faces with curls ♪

♪ Were nicely attached
to the bodies of girls ♪

♪ Girls, girls, girls, girls, girls ♪

♪ Girls, girls, girls, girls ♪

♪ This when you were 10 or under? Ha ♪

♪ That's when I began to wonder when ♪

♪ My princess would find her prince ♪

♪ That's when I began the chase ♪

♪ And I've been chasing ever since ♪

♪ I've loved the ladies dearly ♪

♪ I've courted them sincerely ♪

♪ If you need proof ♪

♪ I'll show you my canceled checks ♪

♪ I dearly love ♪

♪ The opposite sex ♪

♪ If they are tall and slinky ♪

♪ And they just move a little pinkie ♪

♪ I must behave like a man
who's under a hex ♪

♪ It's no use, Doc ♪

♪ My namin' 'em, no use, Doc ♪

♪ Or blamin' 'em, how can I quit? ♪

♪ Loving the opposite...
Jeanne, Gloria, Rita, Lucy ♪

♪ Jeanne, Gloria... ♪

♪ Rita, Lucy, Jeanne, Gloria ♪

♪ Rita, Lucy, Lucy ♪

Hey, wait a minute.

- You're unzipped.
- Oh.

Never mind, honey.

♪ Gloria, Rita, Lucy, Jeanne ♪

Oh, my zipper.

Would you mind, Mrs. Hilliard?

No, of course not.

There.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Of all the nerve!

Why, that brazen little...

What's the matter, Sylvia?

Asking you to zip her up. You!

Why not?

Don't you know who that is?

No.

That's Crystal Allen!

It's simply outrageous.

I don't know why you stand for it.

Leave me alone, Sylvia. It's over.

And I don't want to hear
any more about it.

Over? Well, it wasn't over when
you were in Bermuda.

Ask your own child.

What's Debbie got to do with this?

Oh, they had
a cozy little outing in the park,

the three of them.

I wormed it out of De...

Well, I mean, I... I took her to lunch
one day and...

poor child, she had to confide in someone.

♪ Folks who were once frustrated ♪

♪ What gets them all elated ♪

♪ Is very simple,
although it may sound complex ♪

♪ It means that they've ♪

♪ Uncovered it, come to and ♪

♪ Discovered it ♪

♪ That wondrous bit
they call the opposite ♪

♪ Jeanne, Gloria, Rita, Lucy ♪

♪ Jeanne, Gloria, Rita, Lucy ♪

♪ That wondrous bit ♪

♪ Most extraordinary ♪

♪ That wondrous bit ♪

♪ That is so necessary ♪

♪ That wondrous bit ♪

♪ They call the opposite sex ♪

And Edith and I were going to call you
in Bermuda.

But then we thought that maybe...

That little tramp!

She may be a perfectly marvelous playmate
for Steven,

but if you think she's gonna do
your daughter any good...

- Get out, Pat.
- What?

And keep the others out.

What are you talking about?

I got a feeling the lid's gonna
blow off around here any minute.

- Go on! Get out!
- Oh, boy.

Hey! Undo the top.

- Okay. Okay.
- All right! All right!

You've been seeing my daughter.

I want you to stay away from her.

Doesn't Steven have something
to say about that?

What Steven does is his own business,

except about our child.

Don't worry, Mrs. Hilliard.

I'm not interested in children.

He couldn't be in love with you.

Then he's been giving
an awfully good imitation.

What are you beefing about?

You've got everything that matters,

the name, the position, the money.

Everything that matters to you.

Oh, cut the dramatics, Mrs. Hilliard.

I was told you were clever.

You must be...

to keep Steven from seeing
how cheap you are.

Don't give me that innocent bit.

I do kicks, you plug tunes,

but we both knew a good thing
when we saw it.

What's the matter, Mrs. Hilliard?

Did I hit a nerve?

Just a bit of advice.

If you're dressing for Steven,

not that one.

He doesn't like anything quite so obvious.

Thank you.

But when Steven doesn't like what I wear,

I take it off.

Kay, honey, tell me...

- Kay!
- Kay!

Kay, darling!

Folks! Quiet, please!
We have a show going on.

Steven! Steven!

The most terrible thing has happened.

Kay!

Kay!

Kay!

Kay! Kay!

Listen to me.

Let me go!

Kay, please. You've got to listen to me.

Kay.

It... it... it never meant anything to me.

There's nothing you can say.

There's plenty I can say,

if you'll only listen, please.

- Even dragging Debbie into it.
- Debbie?

Taking her to your little meetings
in the park.

How could you do that?

Kay, listen, I don't know
who's been twisting all this or why,

but I... we just ran into her.

I hadn't seen her in weeks.

Kay, you've got to believe me.
Kay, I love you.

Oh, don't touch me!

Oh, hey, take it easy!

Kay!

Hurry.

Where to, lady?

Hurry.

What's the matter, bud? Lose your touch?

Look who's talking! Come on.

Nightcap, ma'am?

Yes, please, I'd like...

How about some champagne?
Very good for trains.

Goes to your head and
settles your stomach at the same time.

Thank you very much. Yes, a...

I'm the Countess de Brion.

How do you do?

Haven't I... haven't I seen you
somewhere before?

I'm Mrs. Steven Hilliard.

Steven Hilliard, of course! Of course.

All those stinking newspaper photos
didn't do you justice, my dear.

Oh, don't take it so hard, chéri.

Wait till you've had four, like me.

Oh, husbands, I mean, not champagne!

Who died?

Oh, it's always this way, madam.

The first day out on the Reno Special.

Oh, Mrs. Dall, won't you join us?

Hi, Countess, sure!
Got enough to go around?

Twenty-seven hundred acres, all in grapes.
Mmm.

It's the Count's only liquid asset,
poor darling.

Do you know Gloria Dall?

She's connected with
the night club business.

Yes, I know.
I've enjoyed seeing you many times.

Thanks. Say, wait a minute, aren't you...

Oh, we've been all through that, ducky.

Let the poor girl forget, like all of us.

L'amour, l'amour!
Oh, how it can let you down.

And how it can pick you up again.

You're on your first, chéri.

The first divorce hardly counts.

It's when you've been
on this lousy train four times

that your faith really begins to waver.

You're not a very good judge
of character, Countess.

Oh, that's been my trouble.
I don't pick them for character.

I bet you picked yours for character,
didn't you?

Well, yes.

Ah and where did it get you?

The same place it got all of us.
On the train to Reno!

On the train to Reno!

Ah, Reno!

The biggest little city in the world.

The cradle of liberty, the Mecca of...

Who's that cowboy?

Buck! Buck!

- Do you know him?
- Yes!

That's Buck Winston!

Aw, Countess, you really have been around!

Oh, ho ho ho!

Oh, the good old D-Bar-H!

How's Lucy and all the hands?

Fine and dandy, Countess.

Lucy, now that would be
the boss lady, wouldn't it?

That's right, ma'am.

Tell me, who are we meeting up with,

the good guys or the bad guys?

Well, I reckon the good guys, ma'am.

Seeing as how it's the bad guys
you're coming from.

Well, you got me, partner.

Give me some help with the baggage,
will you, Ben?

Hi there!

Hi there, Countess!

You old turtle!

Oh!

Lucy, I never thought I'd see you again,

but here I am!

This is Mrs. Hilliard.

- Howdy, ma'am.
- And Mrs. Dall.

- Hello.
- Welcome, ma'am.

Thank you.

Ms. Wilson,

telegram come for you this morning.

Well, go on!

Good-bye, Lucy. Thank you for everything.

- Bye, darling.
- You were wonderful!

Bye, girls, and watch your next step!

We will!

You staying?

Atta girl!

Buck! Put Mrs. Wilson's bags
back in the car.

Okay, Lucy.

Listen honey,
if they don't treat you right here,

you come on to Chicago.

Yes, ma'am.

So long, girls! Don't let it get you!

It's only six weeks,
just 42 little old days.

Come on, girls. Let's get together.

Let's get to know one another.

All right.

Lucy, I do hope you were able to save
my old room for me.

Sure thing, Countess, I'm even thinking of
reserving it for you permanent.

This one's yours, Ms. Hilliard.

You two are down t'other end.

Walt, show the ladies to their bunks.

- Bye, darling.
- See you later, Kay.

Everything all right?

Oh, yes. Everything's fine, thank you.

Ah!

They're always forgetting something.

They're so durned anxious
to get back to I don't know what.

You've seen a lot of divorcees,
haven't you?

Been boarding them for 20 years.

Well, you're in for the stretch,

so don't mope around.

Relax! Enjoy it!

Well, what do you suggest?

You name it, we got it
or we'll help you get it.

Swimming, tennis, rubdowns,

take it off or put it on,

horseback riding.

Better let us know a day ahead, daytime or
moonlight.

Buck arranges all that.

Oh, this is just heavenly!

Ain't it, though?

Look at that water,
just like rippled glass.

Two, three hundred feet in some places,
teeming with fish.

You know, I used to live near a lake
when I was a kid in upstate New York.

We'd go fishing and canoeing.

I got one right here, ma'am.

Indian canoe. Made it myself.

You didn't.

Single-handed.

Pleased to oblige, ma'am.

All right. I'd love to.

Thank you.

Would you like to just
drift a while, ma'am, and look?

No. I just like moving along.

Comfortable?

Uh-huh.

I, uh, carved this paddle myself, too.

Really?

With a penknife.

There's just no end
to your talents, is there?

Romantical, ain't it?

Very Venetian.

All we need is a soft guitar...

Anything you say, ma'am.

I'm glad I didn't say a piano.

'Course, you know, I sing a little, too.

Nothing would surprise me.

Ouch!

Durn critter bit me.

I reckon I'll have to
shoot it in the morning.

Oh, now you be careful, Buck.

Now, really! Buck!

Now, you don't have to worry.
This canoe's as safe as a cradle.

Yes, I know, but you're not.

Well!

This is a side of you I never suspected.

I guess I just do
what comes natural, ma'am.

Isn't that funny? So do I.

Well, I guess there's a first time
for everything.

And a last!

Mrs. Hilliard!

Ma'am!

Where are you going? I'm sorry!

Come back here! Please!

Ma'am, I can't swim!

Mrs. Hilliard!

Where's that durn paddle?

Use your guitar.

But chéri, Buck is notorious
for his moonlight rides.

They're a feature of the place,

like the cactus.

Well, why didn't somebody tell me?

I thought he was being, well, friendly.

As I remember, he isn't exactly hostile.

Oh, Countess. Not you, too?

That was a long time ago, dear,
when I first came out.

I had a much better seat then.

On a horse, I mean.

You know, I think it's his "ma'am"
that gets your defenses down.

And when that old Indian canoe
appears out of nowhere.

With the hand-carved paddle.

Oh, I'll bet that little barge
must really have mileage on it.

Anybody 'round here seen Buck?

Never seen such a varmint
for not being around when you need him.

Got a new boarder coming over
from the airport in a taxi.

Oh, I'm sure he'll be along.

Yeah, at least by morning.

Reckon that's her now.

You know, Kay, my trouble was
I couldn't swim home like you.

I barely managed to save my honor.
Such as it is.

How?

Well, I told him I was promised
to another man,

after my divorce was final, of course.

And that stopped him?

Well!

He's a westerner, ma'am,

and they have their code
with horses and women.

That was an absolute inspiration, darling!

Also true. I am engaged.

Oh, chéri!

How sweet!

Mrs. Hilliard!

Yes?

This one says she knows you.

Sylvia!

I can't believe it.

Move over!

You mean you and Howard...

That's right, darling. Pffft!

I can never say that
without getting my chin wet.

This is the Countess de Brion, Mrs. Dall,

Mrs. Howard Fowler.

- How do you do?
- Oh.

Here's a letter come for you
early this morning.

- Oh?
- I'll turn in. 'Night, girls.

- Good night.
- Good night and thank you.

Well, tell me what happened.

It's so sudden.

Hmm-hmm! That's what I thought, darling.

But it's all been underground
like an iceberg.

Howard Fowler,
the man I trusted with my life,

has kicked me out,
kicked me out for some little beazel.

Well, I think I'd better turn in now.

Oh, it's nothing private, darling.

The whole world knows about it.

Dear, sweet, fun-loving Howard.

You wouldn't believe what a fiend
he turned out to be.

Who's the other woman?

Nobody knows, not even Winchell.

What you need, Mrs. Fowler,
is a good stiff drink.

That's a wonderful idea, chéri!

Go get a bottle of my champagne
in the icebox.

All righty!

Well, it's nice to be among friends again

after all those buzzards in New York.

Air mail special. Must be from Edith.

She had another girl, you know.

- No, I didn't know.
- Yeah.

That makes eight.

Says there's nothing to do in the hospital

but oil her stomach and write letters.

She's enclosing a newspaper clipping
she thinks will interest me.

It's Winchell.

"Gloria Copacabana Dall

is in the process of being Reno-vated.

Three guesses, Mrs. Howard Fowler,

as to whom she's going to marry."

Gloria!

Gloria?

A small world, isn't it?

Why, you dirty, double-dealing...

Now, Sylvia, you don't love Howard.

That has nothing to do with it.

Oh, why don't we forget it and go to bed?

Aah!

Here, now...

Sylvia, get hold of yourself!

Kay, let go of...

Chéri, don't lose your temper!

I'm sorry, Countess, she hit me first.
I'm gonna let her have it.

Look out, Kay!

Why, you little...

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Help! Lucy!

Help! Oh, Lucy! Lucy! Help!

You've got to stop them!

You just... do something! I don't...

I don't... oh! Oh!

You can't do this!

Let go of me!

Let go of me!

Stop it!

Ah! Uh!

Ohh!

Do something! Get her!

Ohh! Ohh!

Ooh!

Oh! You can't do this!

Oh! You can't...

You asked for it.

Let go of me!

Kay! Kay, Kay!

Stop her! Stop her!

Let go of me!

No!

You stay out of this, Kay!

She hit me first!
Countess, she hit me first!

- What's happening?
- It's frightening.

What is it?
Maybe it's another atom bomb test.

This whole house
is a-rocking and a-rolling.

- How dare you!
- Stop it!

Get off of me, you big buffalo!

Party getting rough?

Lucy, would you get her out of here?

Okay, Mrs. Hilliard.

I'm going to give her what for!

You're on her side, Kay.

I know it.

I'm not on anybody's side.

After all I've done for you!

What?

I warned you!

Well, I'm not so sure
I'm grateful for that.

Well, you were only getting
what was coming to you

and plenty of the girls
are tickled to death!

Oh, it's getting a little stuffy in here!

Come, chéri!

Oh, buzzards!

You're nothing but a bunch of buzzards!

How dare they do that to me!

I'll show them.

I'll show all of them, they can't do th...

Howdy, ma'am.

Well, congratulations, Mrs. Hilliard.

- Thank you.
- Ever need me again, just let me know.

- Goodbye, Lucy.
- Bye, Ralph.

Fast, ain't it?

Ten years, and over in 10 minutes.

Chéri!

Come along, chéri,
we're taking you out to celebrate.

- No. I don't think so.
- Yes, we are!

Oh, go ahead. You've got your diploma.

Sure!

♪ She's got nothing on us ♪

♪ We've got our liberty ♪

♪ And now that we are single ♪

♪ We're happy to be free ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la... ♪

Buck, dear,
the road is so crowded tonight.

Why don't we head for
that nice, little lake

you were telling me about?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, if I know Sylvia, she'll paddle.

Yes, ma'am!

Listen, New York isn't that big, honey.

We'll be having class reunions
every month.

And I'll supply all the champagne!

- Sure!
- Goodbye.

I'll see you in the morning
before I leave.

- Bye-bye.
- Good night.

Don't you ever sleep?

Amanda! What are you doing here?

Oh, writers have to get around.

Oh, all right.

I thought you might want company

for the long voyage home.

Oh, you're wonderful.

How is Debbie... and everyone?

Fine.

Did everything go through this morning
on schedule?

Oh, yes.

Well, what now, Kay?
What are you going to do?

Finish packing.

Oh, you know what I mean.

Are you satisfied?

Steven isn't.

Kay, has it ever occurred to you
he might marry that girl?

If that's what he wants.

But that isn't what he wants.

She wants it,

and she hasn't been wasting any time.

I've seen clever operators
in my day, but...

You don't seem to understand. It's over.

You played right into her hands,

walked wide-eyed
into every trap she set for you.

And now you've removed
Steven's last protection,

his marriage.

Why rehash it?

Because this is wrong.

You're not like
these jaded, frenetic women,

shedding their husbands
like they shed last year's dresses.

Look, Kay,

I hate airplanes and I hate cactus

and I hate people who give advice
to other people.

So I don't know why I've flown 3,000 miles
to this godforsaken water hole.

Unless it's because I can't stand
seeing something good go down the drain.

Maybe it was good once.

Oh, you're talking like a child.

What do you think marriage is, anyway?

Something safe and comfortable
you can take for granted?

This is a rough world Kay,

and marriage has to live in it.

It has to be won over and over again,

as many times as necessary
and against all challenges.

And anyone who hasn't the guts for it

ought to have learned to live alone
and like it a long time ago.

Like you?

That's right, like me.

I'm sorry, Amanda. That wasn't very nice.

Well, at least it's a step
in the right direction.

Stop being so nice, Kay.

If you have any feeling left for the guy,

get to New York as quickly as possible
and tell him.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just not the fighting kind.

Hello?

Yes. This is Mrs. Hilliard.

New York?

Steven.

Tell him you'll tear that divorce decree
into a million pieces

and use it for confetti.

I...

Hello, Steven.

Oh, it's good to hear your voice.

Yes, it went through this morning.

Oh, I see. The lawyer phoned you.

Steven...

I've been wondering if...

No, I haven't seen the papers.

I've been out all evening.

Oh, of course,
I'd much rather hear it from you.

That's very thoughtful of you.

I hope you both will be very happy.

Yes.
I'm leaving in the morning.

Thank you for calling, Steven.

Bye.

Know anyone who could use
a slightly dated radio singer?

Has pride, will travel.

Sit down, Edith.

The girls just look wonderful.
How is Phelps?

Oh, he's swamped as usual.

Good. You don't mind if I get ready?

No, go right ahead.

Sylvia's been bothering him a lot lately

with that cowboy
that she brought back from Reno with her.

I really can't stand Sylvia anymore, but,

well, Phelps handles
all her business affairs,

so what can I do? You know that cowboy,
Buck something-or-other?

Yes. Met him at the ranch.

Sylvia tells everybody
she's gonna marry him,

but that's not enough for Sylvia.

She wants to make
another Gene Autry out of him, I guess.

She even offered to buy
a Broadway play for him.

But you can't rope a steer
on the stage of the Ziegfeld Theater.

And what else can he do?

Well. He almost plays a guitar.

Crystal and Sylvia are thick as thieves.

But you know,
it's Steven that amazes everyone.

You know how he hated to go
to night clubs, don't you?

Well, you can't pick up a paper these days

but you see a picture of
the four of them all over town.

I know.

Mr. Hilliard's chauffeur has come.

Oh, good. Debbie's gonna spend a week
with her father.

How nice.

Well, I'm going to get my troop
and go out front.

You be sure and call us, will you?

- Come see us anytime.
- I will. Thank you, Edith.

Blow.

Now say good night, girls.

Good-bye.

I'll see you.

- Bye.
- Come on. Hurry up, dears.

Sweetheart.

Daddy's car is here.

Now, you remember to be nice to everyone.

And if Daddy should happen to ask you,
you tell him everything is just fine.

I'll tell him everything's fine
with me, too.

Thank you.

Now, you have a good time.

You be a good girl.

Oh, Miss Ashley.
You haven't much time to change.

Oh, Miss Ashley!

♪ You promise me the world tomorrow ♪

♪ Well, frankly, I am not impressed ♪

♪ Tomorrow can take care of tomorrow ♪

♪ For tonight, may I suggest ♪

♪ When do I want you to cling to me? ♪

♪ Now, baby, now ♪

♪ When could it mean everything to me? ♪

♪ Now, baby, now ♪

♪ Got a longin' and a need-a, you see ♪

♪ That requires immediacy ♪

♪ When do I want you to cling to me? ♪

♪ Now, now, now ♪

♪ Baby, now ♪

♪ When do I want you to sigh for me? ♪

♪ Now, baby, now ♪

♪ When should you go in too high for me? ♪

♪ Now, baby, now ♪

♪ Though the future is
the pleasantest tense ♪

♪ What I want's in the presentest tense ♪

♪ While the fruit is heavy on the bough ♪

♪ Ho, ho ♪

♪ When do I want you
to cling to me, baby? ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ When could it mean everything
to me, baby? ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ We can't stand it any longer ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ We're not gettin' any stronger ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ Baby, now ♪

♪ I'd like to reiterate ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Tomorrow's gonna be much too late ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ Baby, now ♪

Madame has been soaking an hour.

So what?

It's good for my nerves.

Monsieur suggests that madame joins him

while he drives Miss Debbie home.

I told monsieur to count me out.

May be his idea of an exciting evening,
but it's not mine

Here. Scrub.

I didn't get married to be a nursemaid.

Ow! You're taking my skin off!

I'm so sorry, madame.

Get out and close the door.

Yes, madame.

Hello, darling.

I'm in the tub,

shriveled to a peanut
waiting for you to call,

but it's worth it.

No. He was too busy with his kid
to notice what time I got home.

Another piece of cake?

No, thanks, Daddy. It was delicious.

You know, uh, Crystal would have dined
with us this evening,

but she hasn't been feeling
very well lately.

That's why she hasn't been with us much as
she wanted to this past week.

I had a lovely time, Daddy.

- Really, I did.
- So did I.

Now, you tell your mother I appreciate her
letting me have you so often.

I will.

Why don't you go say good night
to Crystal?

All right, Daddy.

Maybe tomorrow.

I'll tell him I'm going to
the beauty shop.

That's always good for a couple of hours.

Oh, no, you can say anything you want.

This is the one place I've got privacy.

Where are you and Sylvia going tonight?

I have to badger Steven
to take me anyplace,

and then he just sits there like a mummy.

Oh, Buck! You fracture me!

I wouldn't be one to do that, honey-baby.

I like you better in one piece.

Look, if I can get out later on,

you take off your spurs and
meet me at the same place...

I got to hang up, now,
call me in a couple of minutes.

Who told you to come in here?

Daddy. I came to say good night.
Good night, Crystal.

Just a minute...

dear.

My, you're in a hurry
to tell Daddy about it.

About what?

My little talk on the telephone.

You can get killed
picking up the telephone with a wet hand.

My teacher says so.

What are you holding your nose for?

Bubbles make me sneeze.

You don't like me, do you?

Why?

Just give me one good reason why.

I never said I didn't like you.

But you don't like me, do you?

No, but I never said so.

Oh, stop holding your nose!

- But I...
- Stop it!

May I go now?

I've tried my darnedest to be nice to you.

But if you don't cooperate,

things can get pretty rough around here.
You know what I mean?

Yoo-hoo! May I come in?

Oh, I'll be out in a minute, Sylvia!

Oh, don't be modest, darling.
Nobody would believe it.

Hello, Debbie. How's your mother?

Your father's waiting for you.

Good night, Crystal.
Good night, Mrs. Fowler.

Sweet child.

Control yourself, darling.

You wouldn't want her
to take the glad tidings

back to Mummy.

What glad tidings?

That Daddy's home life
isn't all milk and honey.

- Oh, really, Sylvia.
- Don't kid me, Crystal.

You and Steven
have about as much in common...

As you and Howard did?

Don't be silly.
If I hadn't divorced Howard,

I never would have met Buck.

Isn't he divine, darling?

Now, you're a good judge of horse flesh.

Isn't he something?

Mmm... not bad.

You're just jealous.

They all are!

Just wait until Buck opens
at the Skylight Room. They'll be...

Skylight Room? Buck?

Why not? Cowboy singers are all the rage.

How much stock do you own in that joint?

Mmm, 22,000 shar...

All right.

So I told them I'd guarantee any losses.

You should see the outfit I bought him.

More silver than Fort Knox.

Just wait until
those buzzards get a look at him.

Six and a half feet of man and all mine!

By the way, darling, I want you and Steven
to be my guests opening night.

We'd love it.

Oh, darling,
I have to take my shower, now.

Look, why don't you wait in the bedroom
and shut the door?

All right. I just dropped in for a minute,
anyway. I'm on my way to meet Buck.

I didn't know you were touching up
your hair.

Oh, darling, don't use this perfume.
You smell it on everyone!

I'll get it.

Don't touch that phone! Let it ring!

Well, why? They'll only pick it up
outside.

No, it's a private phone.

- A private phone?
- Sylvia, if you touch that phone...

Why, you sly little fox!

Hello? Hello?

Hello, anybody there?

Hello? Anybody there?

Hello? Hello?

Hello? He...

So! You've got him trained.

If a strange voice answers, hang up.

Don't be ridiculous.

You can tell me, darling.

Who is it?

Anybody I know?

Somebody's husband?

Don't you trust me?

Well, if you think I'd tell Steven
one whisper of this,

you're just crazy.

I wouldn't give Kay Hilliard
that satisfaction.

So you just hang on to your boyfriend,

whoever he is,

and we'll both be happy.

Okay?

Okay.

And here's to Sylvia and Crystal.

If they don't hang together,

they'll hang separately.

In either case, here's to it.

- Aren't we being awfully catty?
- Mm-hm!

Ha! What would a class reunion be
without it?

Oh, if Sylvia lives through
Buck's opening tonight,

she'll deserve all our sympathy.

Oh, now, he may not be that bad.

Oh!

Sweetie, he'll lay an egg so big,

they'll be serving omelets for a month.

Aw, come on, Kay, change your mind.
Come with us tonight.

- Yes, chéri.
- How about it, Kay?

We'll have a few laughs.

No, really, I've got to get
all the rest I can.

You know I have only one week
before we leave.

- Anybody want another drink?
- Oh, yes, yes, I would love...

Ah! Nope, nope, we can't.
Really, we've got to dress.

Oh, isn't it a bore! I wish I never had to
change anything but my jewelry!

- That could keep you busy for two years.
- Oh, indeed.

Come on, Amanda, I'll drop you.
I'm picking up Howard at the office.

- Aren't you spoiling him a little?
- You bet.

You're absolutely sure
you won't come along, dear?

Oh, I did so want you to meet my Hughie.

He's such a thoughtful old darling.

He's in oil, you know.

And you might even get to see
Steven and Crystal.

They'll probably be there with Sylvia.

Aren't you even a little bit curious?

No.

Ah, the gal isn't human.

Oh, it was a lovely party, chéri.

We must have these
annual reunions more often.

Oh! Oh, the glass! Wouldn't you know?

Bye, darling. I'll call you tomorrow.

- Fine, Amanda.
- Shall I spit in Crystal's eye for you?

You're passing up a big chance,

'cause where I spit, no grass grows ever.

Gloria.

Thank you for trying,

all of you.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

- Bye, darling.
- Good night.

Mother.

What is it, Debbie?

I had another bad dream.

Can I come in with you?

Oh, of course, darling. Come on.

There, now. Is that better?

That's the only good thing about divorce.

You get to sleep with your mother.

When are we leaving?

Oh, in about 10 days.

We're going to have a really good time,

lots of different places
and things to see.

I won't see Daddy for a while, will I?

Oh, not for a while.

But when we come back,
you can spend lots of time with him. Okay?

How do people fall out of love?

Oh, I don't know, it...

it just happens sometimes.

People change.

Will you ever fall out of love with me?

No.

Oh, no. This is different.

I don't think Daddy ever
fell out of love with you.

Debbie, there are some things

you're not quite old enough
to understand yet.

So you're gonna kind of have to
take my word for it.

Daddy and I are just friends now.

Then why did he put
that picture of you in his pocket?

My picture in his pocket?

Mm-hm. Yesterday at our house.

It's all locked up, but Daddy had the key.

What were you doing there?

We took a ride.

Daddy had to get some papers
out of some boxes in the cellar.

The swing had a broken chain,
but he fixed it and

we picked some apples off the tree.

Did you go inside?

Mm-hm. I played my piece on the piano.

It's out of tune.

Daddy was looking at a picture of you.

When he thought I wasn't looking,

he put it in his pocket.

Are you sure?

Mother, I don't think
I ought to go away with you.

Please don't think
I fell out of love with you.

It's just that I think
I ought to stay with Daddy.

Why, darling?

He and Crystal have a lot of fights.

She slams the door,

and then he goes into his study
and sits all alone.

If I were there to cheer him up

and tell him stories and things...

You understand, Mother.

I didn't mean for always,

just till he doesn't feel
so terrible anymore.

Does Crystal feel so terrible, too?

I don't think so.

She's got someone she talks lovey-dovey to
in her bathroom.

The bubbles make me sneeze.

In her bathroom?

On the telephone.

I think it's her riding teacher.

He wears spurs.

Ask Mrs. Fowler.
She's a friend of his, too.

Buck?

That's it! Buck!

Do you know him?

Yes.

So I don't think Crystal will mind

if I stay with Daddy for a while.

She's so busy, she...

Mother, what are you doing?

- I'm going out.
- Where?

To a party. Lutsi!

But it's so late.

Oh, not too late. Mm!

Lutsi!

What's the matter, Mrs. Hilliard?
You are not sick?

Oh, I never felt better in my whole life.

Lutsi, call Lindy's and
get Mike Pearl on the phone.

Tell him to put on his black tie
and get over here fast.

Tell him I'm going big-game hunting
and I need him.

Lindy's? Black tie? Big-game hunting?

I don't understand.

You will!

I've had a whole year
to grow claws, Lutsi.

Jungle Red!

Kay!

Kay.

Hello, Dolly.

What have you done to yourself?

I've never seen anyone
so stripped for action.

Well, that's the idea.

Better find some other place then,
this one couldn't be duller.

Take my advice and stick around.

- Dolly, Pancho.
- But, Kay!

- Good evening.
- We're joining Mr. Fowler's party.

This way, please.

Fowler table.

This way, please.

Hey. Where are we going?

Stick with me, buster,
and you'll get your name in the papers.

Why, Steven! Hello!

Well, hello, Kay.

Well, you know everyone here, of course.

Oh, of course. Everyone knows everyone.

Sylvia, darling,

I'm sure Buck is going to be
an absolute sensation.

Why, thank you.

If he's only half as good
as he is in the canoe.

Steven, you're looking marvelous.

Well, may I return the compliment?

You certainly may.

An unattached female dotes on compliments.

Don't let her kid you.

You can't sit down in her dressing room,
it's so full of compliments.

Oh, that's right, you're singing again,
aren't you?

Yes. "Plugging tunes."

Ever caught my show, Steven?

No, I'm sorry...

Oh, that's too bad.

But I'm opening in Chicago next week.

If you're not too busy,
why don't you fly up and take a look.

It would sort of be like old times.

And we could use your...
professional touch.

Steven, darling,
you can talk business all day.

All that good music going to waste.

Aren't you going to dance with your wife?

Yeah, yeah. I think we'd better
join our friends.

Well, awfully nice to have seen you all.

Let's dance, Steven.

Yeah.

Look who's here!

- Kay!
- Oh, how wonderful, chéri.

- You got room for two more?
- Anytime.

- Kay, this is Philip Webster. Mike Pearl.
- Hello.

- Hello.
- And this is my Hughie. Oh, you know.

And Mrs. Hilliard and Mr. Pearl.

The Mrs. Hilliard?

Well, I'm not sure.

It all depends on
where you're sitting tonight.

I hope I'm not too late.

Oh, no, the show hasn't even started yet.

But the cheering section's here.

I know.
I just stopped by for a little chat.

A little chat?

Hughie, be an angel
and order champagne for everybody.

Never mind. Wait a minute.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Art Mooney and
welcome to the starlit Skylight Room.

To open the show tonight,
our own private line of angels,

the Starlarks.

Excuse me.

Just a minute!

Why, Dolly! You decided to stay after all.

You knew I would.

There's a glint in her eye.

What's it all about?

Well, nothing... yet.

What do you mean, "yet"?

Oh, and it probably
wouldn't even be fit to print.

Oh, come on.
You know the motto of my column,

"from the ridiculous to the slime."

Well, then, perhaps you wouldn't be
beneath a little conspiracy?

Me? I invented it.

What do I do?

Well, it's really quite simple.

The aspirin, ma'am.

Thank you.

- I told you the show was on.
- Too bad it isn't over.

I can't stand cowboys,
even when they're good.

Better give me another one.

- Thank you.
- Aren't you feeling well, Sylvia?

I feel fine.

You know, you're quite a woman.

I don't think
I ever really appreciated you before.

Appreciated?

Oh, we've had our differences.

I guess all women do.

But now that we're in the same boat,

well, I must say that you're being
more civilized about it than I was.

About what?

Crystal, of course.

Sitting at the same table with her
as if you were the very best of friends.

We are the best of friends.

You don't have to be brave for me, Sylvia.

Of all people, I understand.

About what? What are you talking about?

Buck.

Buck?

The way Crystal's taking him
right out from under your nose.

You mean you don't know?

Oh, you must be joking, Sylvia.

I don't believe it.

Who said so?

Crystal.

Oh, well, not directly, of course.

But by way of every salesgirl
and manicurist in town.

And she's not the discreet type, you know.

Well, neither is Buck,

so I guess they make a perfect pair.

Kay Hilliard, you're lying!

Ever since you lost Steven,

you've just been dying to break things up
between Crystal and me!

- Well, let me tell...
- Oh, Sylvia!

- Well, Kay, I haven't seen you in ages!
- Hello, Dolly.

Where have you been keeping yourself?

Oh, just living the quiet life.

Oh, I know, I never could count
on a thing from you.

Well now, don't write me off.
Maybe I have got something.

- Oh no, Kay, you wouldn't!
- A nice, hot little item

about a certain cowboy and
a certain married lady.

Oh, you mean Crystal and Buck Winston?

Old stuff. Everybody in town knows that.

I need something fresh
and appetizing for my readers.

Bless their moronic little hearts.

Why don't you cut his throat
and give me an exclusive?

Oh, Dolly, you were wonderful!

Did you see...?

Oh, Mrs. Fowler.

Telegrams for Mr. Winston.

I'll take them.

Who is it?

It's me, darling...

Crystal.

Honey-baby, I wasn't expecting you.

How'd you manage to sneak away from...

Sylvia!

Now, darling, I can explain!

Now, Sylvia!

Mrs. Fowler!

Ma'am!

Feel better, dear?

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Skylight Room
takes great pleasure tonight

in introducing a brand new personality...

Here's hoping.

Here's hoping his teeth fall out.

"Go east, young fellow,"
they told him. "Go east."

And here he is, that Cayuse from Nevada...

Buck Winston!

Evening, folks.

Howdy.

I'm, uh, sure glad to be here.

I guess.

I tell you, word of honor,
in all my born days, I...

I've never seen so many pretty ladies.

This is sure going to beat
singing to my horse.

♪ Home on the range ♪

♪ Things have taken a change ♪

♪ And the range ain't the range anymore ♪

♪ Since the cowboys
have been to the city ♪

♪ The cow songs that sounded so pretty ♪

♪ Now have a beat
that they never had before ♪

♪ Oh, the rock and roll
tumbleweed's rockin' all around ♪

♪ The rock and roll tumbleweed's
rockin' on the ground ♪

♪ The dogies keep swaying to and fro ♪

♪ They don't take the time to feed ♪

♪ Thanks to the rock of
the rock and roll tumbleweed ♪

♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪

♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪

♪ They all rock with
the rock and roll tumbleweed ♪

♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪

♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪

♪ They all rock with
the rock and roll tumbleweed ♪

♪ To this valley the jazz men are coming ♪

♪ By train and by plane and by bus ♪

♪ All of those New Orleans hot shots ♪

♪ Come to the west just to get
their kicks from us ♪

♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪

♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪

♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪

♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪

♪ They all rock with
the rock and roll tumbleweed ♪

♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪

♪ They all rock with
the rock and roll tumbleweed ♪

♪ Please bury me ♪

♪ On the lone prairie ♪

♪ Let the tumbleweed ♪

♪ And when you give my grave
that final pat ♪

♪ That final pat ♪

♪ Get me a stone sayin',
"Here Lies a Happy Cat" ♪

♪ Oh, yes, oh, yes, indeed ♪

♪ They all rock
with the rock and roll tumble ♪

♪ They all rock with
the rock and roll tumble ♪

♪ They all rock with
the rock and roll tumbleweed ♪

♪ That rock and roll tumbleweed ♪

Come on, Buck! Come on back!

Let's go out and wash our hands,
honey-baby.

But he's not finished.

That's what you think.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

- What are you...
- Shhh!

Buck and me?

You heard me.

No, don't be ridiculous, Sylvia.

You're not stupid enough
to take Kay Hilliard's word for anything.

Oh, I'm not stupid enough
to take anybody's word.

I went straight to the horse's mouth!

I don't believe it.
Buck's not crazy enough...

You haven't got a thing on me.

Why, you little...

Sylvia!

No violence.

Remember, you're a civilized woman.

Oh, look who's talking!
Miss sweetness and light!

You can fight just as dirty as anyone.

That's right. I've been taking lessons
from professionals.

You just can't stand it

because I took Steven away from you.

Watch it, Crystal. Your lease
may be up sooner than you think.

You're all in this together.

But Steven won't fall
for such cheap gossip.

He's a gentleman.

Even a gentleman can be pushed too far!

Especially a gentleman.

- Yes.
- Yes, and I've got plenty on you.

- Plenty!
- What do I care?

Nobody'll believe you.

They'll believe me, dearie.

It's all written down
and reads like a dream!

You know, I may get
the Pulitzer Prize for yellow journalism.

Take my advice, Crystal.
Start thinking about your alimony.

Alimony? Ha!

When I get through testifying,
Steven won't have to give her a dime!

And suppose I don't need it?

What are you going to use for money?

Buck Winston.

He's closing tomorrow.

Who would have suspected it of Buck?

He's a sensation, an absolute sensation!

You're to be congratulated, Sylvia.

I hear they're going to sign him
for a year.

Oh! Have I... have I interrupted anything?

So, I don't think we'll need you, Sylvia,

or the Skylight Room.

After tonight,

Buck can write his own ticket anywhere.

We may even go out to California.

The smog will be so refreshing.

Waiter.

Yes, ma'am?

Tell Mr. Hilliard over there
that his wife wants to see him.

Yes, Mrs. Hilliard.

Pardon me, Mr. Hilliard,

your wife would like to see you, sir.

Excuse me.

And don't get swallowed up
by any of those big-time agents.

A personal manager is all you need.

Now, wait a minute,

- you want Las Vegas?
- Buck!

- You got it, I'll guarantee you 15 Gs.
- Buck!

Well!

Mr. Winston, I do hope
you'll be able to make it for the weekend.

I'm presuming you ride.

Yes, ma'am, I sure do.
Anything from coyotes to Cadillacs!

Buck, darling, can I see you for a moment?

Yeah, sure. Excuse me, folks.

Oh, of course.

Oh, you killed them tonight, cowboy!

I'm so proud of you I could just...

I know, but honey-baby,
this ain't exactly the place.

Why not?

Sylvia knows all about us.

Yeah, she sure does.

And so does Steven.

- Steven?
- I stopped off on the way here.

We had a little talk.

We both had a chance to say
exactly the way we feel about each other.

You're through?

It was short and sweet.

Well, anyway, short.

So here I am, darling.

Free!

That's too bad,

'cause I ain't.

You're married?

Oh, no, and I ain't aimin' to be,

not for a long time.

Well, I'll wait.

Thirty or 40 years... ma'am?

I must get back to my Hughie!

Oh, waiter,

would you tell Mr. Hilliard
his wife would like to see him?

Yes, Mrs. Hilliard.

Anything wrong?

I only work here.

No, it's just that I have a number of
business appointments tomorrow...

Pardon me, Mr. Hilliard.

Your wife wants to see you.

I've seen her, thanks.

Not this one, you haven't.

We're going to have another baby, Daddy.

Oh, Edith! Not again!

Hope it's a little boy.