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1
00:00:01,318 --> 00:00:04,652
? It seems today that all you see ?
2
00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:08,248
? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ?
3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,752
? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?
4
00:00:11,904 --> 00:00:14,013
? On which we used to rely? ?
5
00:00:14,164 --> 00:00:17,665
? Lucky there's a family guy ?
6
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,336
? Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ?
7
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,837
? All the things that make us ?
8
00:00:22,857 --> 00:00:24,097
? Laugh and cry ?
9
00:00:24,174 --> 00:00:30,029
? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ?
10
00:00:30,054 --> 00:00:33,417
- Synced and corrected by synk -
- www.addic7ed.com -
11
00:00:33,442 --> 00:00:36,092
Sorry I'm late. Had a family emergency
12
00:00:36,313 --> 00:00:38,975
with, um... I don't know.
I want to say Chris?
13
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:40,952
Uh, I wasn't listening super close.
14
00:00:40,977 --> 00:00:42,977
Why don't you sit down and drink beer
15
00:00:42,996 --> 00:00:45,905
and tell us about it instead of
being home with your family?
16
00:00:45,924 --> 00:00:48,029
Apparently, Chris and his
girlfriend broke up.
17
00:00:48,054 --> 00:00:50,404
Something about her wanting
to see other people.
18
00:00:50,429 --> 00:00:54,172
So the doctor says this surgery is gonna
restore my eyesight.
19
00:00:54,340 --> 00:00:56,081
What? Oh, no.
20
00:00:56,101 --> 00:00:57,249
"Oh, no"?
21
00:00:57,343 --> 00:00:59,919
But I thought you'd be happy,
Colin Farrell.
22
00:00:59,944 --> 00:01:02,352
Oi, blimey. Uh, get stuffed.
23
00:01:02,441 --> 00:01:04,499
I'm-I'm gonna see other birds.
24
00:01:04,501 --> 00:01:06,851
G-Good day, mate.
25
00:01:06,876 --> 00:01:10,653
Don't look. Don't look.
I think that's Colin Farrell.
26
00:01:10,932 --> 00:01:13,007
And this girl was his first love.
27
00:01:13,026 --> 00:01:16,602
Poor Chris. He was sobbing his eyes out
when I abruptly left.
28
00:01:16,627 --> 00:01:18,794
First loves always hit the hardest.
29
00:01:19,032 --> 00:01:22,183
I'll say. I still remember
my first real love.
30
00:01:22,202 --> 00:01:23,460
Seems like yesterday.
31
00:01:23,687 --> 00:01:25,353
Why, just thinking back on her
makes everything
32
00:01:25,371 --> 00:01:27,855
all shimmery and distorted.
33
00:01:27,874 --> 00:01:31,468
I was working for Federal Express,
like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.
34
00:01:31,695 --> 00:01:33,544
And just like Tom Hanks in Cast Away,
35
00:01:33,697 --> 00:01:37,031
I said the words "Federal Express"
a suspicious number of times.
36
00:01:37,194 --> 00:01:40,028
Excuse me, miss. Asking
as a Federal Express employee,
37
00:01:40,053 --> 00:01:42,920
may I please get a refill
of iced tea very quickly,
38
00:01:42,981 --> 00:01:45,373
the way Federal Express
delivers parcels?
39
00:01:45,391 --> 00:01:47,542
There was only one thing I loved more
40
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:49,152
than corporate-branded content,
41
00:01:49,177 --> 00:01:51,851
and that was my fianc�e, Helen Hunt.
42
00:01:51,881 --> 00:01:52,949
Hubba-hubba.
43
00:01:52,974 --> 00:01:54,382
Darn right hubba-hubba.
44
00:01:54,475 --> 00:01:56,234
You know how most guys
want their girlfriends
45
00:01:56,386 --> 00:01:57,735
to look like a pissy bird?
46
00:01:57,887 --> 00:01:59,979
Well, I was living the dream.
47
00:01:59,998 --> 00:02:01,405
You're 17 seconds late.
48
00:02:01,558 --> 00:02:05,001
I am a Federal Express employee
who is very obsessed with time.
49
00:02:05,078 --> 00:02:06,744
Well, that's my fianc�.
50
00:02:06,896 --> 00:02:09,413
Give me a kiss, you
time-obsessed beardless man
51
00:02:09,566 --> 00:02:11,899
who is unable to spear
a fish with a sharpened stick.
52
00:02:11,918 --> 00:02:13,492
Remember
all that stuff for later.
53
00:02:13,586 --> 00:02:16,513
Mm, oh, I can't wait
to do more than kiss.
54
00:02:16,664 --> 00:02:18,239
Only three more days till the wedding.
55
00:02:18,408 --> 00:02:20,833
Yep. I've got just one last flight
56
00:02:20,852 --> 00:02:23,553
across the Planecrash Sea,
and then I'm all yours.
57
00:02:23,705 --> 00:02:25,188
Little did I know.
58
00:02:25,339 --> 00:02:27,431
I'll never forget that fateful day.
59
00:02:27,584 --> 00:02:29,433
Looking back, I never should have
60
00:02:29,528 --> 00:02:32,587
tried to do two fantasy football
drafts while flying a plane.
61
00:02:32,605 --> 00:02:36,199
- I ended up with four defenses.
- Ugh!
62
00:02:36,350 --> 00:02:37,592
FE-117,
63
00:02:37,610 --> 00:02:39,260
looks like you got rough weather.
64
00:02:39,262 --> 00:02:40,703
Maybe you should just do auto-draft
65
00:02:40,930 --> 00:02:42,430
for your fantasy leagues, over.
66
00:02:42,448 --> 00:02:45,858
Uh, negative, negative, Control.
I am heterosexual, over.
67
00:02:45,952 --> 00:02:48,286
Ha.
There's that clean-shaven guy
68
00:02:48,311 --> 00:02:51,546
who cannot spear a fish with a
stick that we all know and love.
69
00:02:52,425 --> 00:02:53,532
Damn it.
70
00:02:53,626 --> 00:02:55,777
Too bad I'm in an airplane
and can only go
71
00:02:55,802 --> 00:02:58,469
straight into a storm
and not over or around.
72
00:02:58,557 --> 00:03:00,723
Wait, I think the storm is breaking up.
73
00:03:00,950 --> 00:03:03,284
I was gonna make it, but then
74
00:03:03,377 --> 00:03:05,469
the plane got hit by lightning.
75
00:03:05,494 --> 00:03:06,522
Oh!
76
00:03:06,547 --> 00:03:09,882
And I somehow drafted the punter
Jeff Feagles in the second round.
77
00:03:09,901 --> 00:03:11,050
Oh!
78
00:03:11,069 --> 00:03:13,486
And it was all over.
79
00:03:17,576 --> 00:03:20,910
I was all alone on an uncharted island.
80
00:03:20,935 --> 00:03:22,130
What could I do?
81
00:03:22,155 --> 00:03:25,139
Definitely not spear a fish
with a hand-sharpened stick.
82
00:03:25,158 --> 00:03:27,250
'Cause remember, that was a
complete non-starter for me.
83
00:03:27,419 --> 00:03:29,568
If I wanted to make it back to my Helen,
84
00:03:29,662 --> 00:03:31,646
I'd need to find a way to survive.
85
00:03:31,664 --> 00:03:34,424
Luckily I had a whole
plane's worth of FedEx parcels
86
00:03:34,575 --> 00:03:35,741
I could open and use.
87
00:03:35,835 --> 00:03:37,743
Oh, please be food. Please be food.
88
00:03:37,762 --> 00:03:40,597
Oh, thank God, I'm saved.
Peanut brittle.
89
00:03:40,622 --> 00:03:41,780
Aah!
90
00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:43,491
"From Peter Griffin."
91
00:03:43,509 --> 00:03:46,160
Gotcha. Continue.
92
00:03:46,253 --> 00:03:49,588
But then I opened
the most important package of all.
93
00:03:49,608 --> 00:03:51,349
My only friend on the island.
94
00:03:51,501 --> 00:03:54,760
I'm gonna call you Wilson,
after Rita Wilson,
95
00:03:54,779 --> 00:03:57,338
the most beautiful and talented
woman in Hollywood.
96
00:03:57,357 --> 00:03:59,949
The true first lady of American culture.
97
00:04:00,176 --> 00:04:02,844
I swear, I didn't say
all that stuff just so Tom Hanks
98
00:04:02,862 --> 00:04:04,493
would let us do this movie.
99
00:04:09,035 --> 00:04:10,184
Character development.
100
00:04:10,203 --> 00:04:12,703
I had been on that island
for four years.
101
00:04:12,797 --> 00:04:14,764
Man, I've been on this island
102
00:04:14,789 --> 00:04:16,615
for somewhere between
two and seven years.
103
00:04:16,635 --> 00:04:19,302
I'm not sure which 'cause I'm
no longer obsessed with time.
104
00:04:19,453 --> 00:04:20,528
That's more character development.
105
00:04:20,546 --> 00:04:22,588
Anyway, all these years later,
106
00:04:22,699 --> 00:04:25,216
I still couldn't get
Helen Hunt out of my mind.
107
00:04:25,368 --> 00:04:27,051
I was going nuts thinking about her.
108
00:04:27,203 --> 00:04:28,719
Oh, Helen...
109
00:04:28,888 --> 00:04:31,372
Oh come on, get it together.
Think of something else.
110
00:04:31,465 --> 00:04:34,225
Think of anything besides Helen Hunt.
111
00:04:34,377 --> 00:04:36,210
Oh, almost Helen Hunt.
112
00:04:36,229 --> 00:04:37,654
Enough was enough.
113
00:04:37,805 --> 00:04:40,657
I decided to build a raft
and get back to my beloved.
114
00:04:40,934 --> 00:04:42,451
But what to make the raft out of?
115
00:04:42,476 --> 00:04:44,235
Got to be something I can use.
116
00:04:44,387 --> 00:04:46,329
What floats? What floats?
117
00:04:46,556 --> 00:04:49,040
Mm, definitely not these
footballs for Tom Brady.
118
00:04:50,243 --> 00:04:51,751
Straight to the bottom.
119
00:04:58,067 --> 00:04:59,825
I wonder.
120
00:04:59,903 --> 00:05:01,068
Aah!
121
00:05:01,087 --> 00:05:03,754
Two for two. Continue.
122
00:05:03,848 --> 00:05:05,850
I was able to float away
123
00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:08,075
on a raft made
out of the giant joke box.
124
00:05:08,169 --> 00:05:11,682
It was me and Wilson and
this one other kind of lame guy.
125
00:05:11,707 --> 00:05:15,191
Boy, you hoist a sail,
then where did the wind go? Am I right?
126
00:05:15,342 --> 00:05:17,026
I just saw you take a dump in the ocean.
127
00:05:17,178 --> 00:05:19,028
I'm not really looking to chat.
128
00:05:20,365 --> 00:05:21,605
Days passed.
129
00:05:21,758 --> 00:05:23,366
Wilson and I were all alone.
130
00:05:23,593 --> 00:05:27,519
No drinking water and no food, except...
131
00:05:27,539 --> 00:05:29,021
Nope, not this time.
132
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,093
Eh, you're no fun. Continue.
133
00:05:31,118 --> 00:05:33,727
But then disaster struck.
134
00:05:42,445 --> 00:05:44,369
Aah! Aah!
135
00:05:44,505 --> 00:05:47,014
No. No! Wilson!
136
00:05:48,375 --> 00:05:52,803
Eventually I moved on
and largely forgot about Wilson.
137
00:06:11,512 --> 00:06:13,225
Why are you smiling, honey?
138
00:06:13,250 --> 00:06:15,541
Oh, I used to bone that volleyball.
139
00:06:18,405 --> 00:06:20,176
I don't remember much after that.
140
00:06:20,201 --> 00:06:23,461
Apparently I was picked up
by some cargo ship.
141
00:06:23,486 --> 00:06:25,159
But then, wouldn't you know it,
142
00:06:25,184 --> 00:06:27,412
the ship got taken over
by Somali pirates.
143
00:06:27,432 --> 00:06:29,634
Look at me. Look at me.
144
00:06:29,659 --> 00:06:31,917
We are doing this movie now.
145
00:06:32,011 --> 00:06:34,345
Then that
Somali pirate did a bunch of stuff
146
00:06:34,497 --> 00:06:37,498
and then nothing else ever again,
and eventually I got back home.
147
00:06:37,591 --> 00:06:39,620
After years and years away,
148
00:06:39,645 --> 00:06:42,571
it was finally time to see my Helen.
149
00:06:42,660 --> 00:06:44,402
Oh, my God, you're alive.
150
00:06:44,427 --> 00:06:46,501
I thought about you every day, Helen.
151
00:06:46,526 --> 00:06:48,871
You're the reason I stayed alive
all these years.
152
00:06:48,896 --> 00:06:51,080
I never stopped loving you.
153
00:06:51,105 --> 00:06:55,124
I'm-I'm sorry.
I got back together with Paul Reiser.
154
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:56,418
What?
155
00:06:56,443 --> 00:06:59,393
We did a Mad About You reboot
on Spectrum Originals.
156
00:06:59,418 --> 00:07:01,932
Which just sounds
fake. I mean, did you watch any of that?
157
00:07:01,957 --> 00:07:03,550
Do you even know anyone who...
158
00:07:03,575 --> 00:07:06,704
I-I... Like, I literally
do not know one person
159
00:07:06,729 --> 00:07:08,488
who saw, like, a single minute of that.
160
00:07:08,513 --> 00:07:09,828
I'm so sorry.
161
00:07:09,848 --> 00:07:12,423
I was devastated.
162
00:07:12,575 --> 00:07:14,592
Helen was my first true love...
163
00:07:14,686 --> 00:07:16,668
The only woman I ever wanted...
164
00:07:16,688 --> 00:07:18,688
And she had moved on without me.
165
00:07:18,915 --> 00:07:21,276
Fortunately, five years later,
they invented
166
00:07:21,301 --> 00:07:23,464
portable pornography on telephones,
167
00:07:23,489 --> 00:07:26,379
and I've literally never
thought about her since.
168
00:07:32,779 --> 00:07:36,781
Well, that was a touching tale
of first love, Quagmire.
169
00:07:36,933 --> 00:07:39,600
And I googled Spectrum
Originals, by the way.
170
00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:42,694
Found nothing. Zero matches.
171
00:07:42,714 --> 00:07:44,696
Nothing on Ask Jeeves either,
172
00:07:44,774 --> 00:07:47,533
but they don't always have everything.
173
00:07:47,552 --> 00:07:49,552
Anyway, I remember my first love.
174
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:52,280
It's quite an interesting story.
175
00:07:52,298 --> 00:07:54,540
Okay, guess I'll be going last tonight.
176
00:07:54,617 --> 00:07:57,785
This was back in the early '60s.
177
00:07:57,878 --> 00:08:01,455
I was working at a hoity-toity
camp for rich Jewish people.
178
00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:02,956
Are you Jewish in this?
179
00:08:02,981 --> 00:08:04,642
No.
180
00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:09,190
Anyway, this camp was highly renowned
181
00:08:09,215 --> 00:08:11,982
for offering exclusively clean dancing.
182
00:08:12,077 --> 00:08:14,819
You are the cleanest dancer I ever met.
183
00:08:14,971 --> 00:08:16,971
It's why we come here every year.
184
00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:19,511
But all the while,
I was being watched
185
00:08:19,536 --> 00:08:22,067
by the prettiest girl in the camp.
186
00:08:22,161 --> 00:08:25,980
Her name was Jennifer Schnozz,
and I saw her everywhere.
187
00:08:25,998 --> 00:08:29,483
Seems like she was always
sniffing around someplace.
188
00:08:29,502 --> 00:08:30,985
Okay.
189
00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:34,167
Daytimes were
reserved for clean dancing,
190
00:08:34,192 --> 00:08:35,800
but at night, someone would bring
191
00:08:35,825 --> 00:08:38,417
a very large watermelon
to the staff cabin,
192
00:08:38,442 --> 00:08:42,163
and for some reason, that meant
it was time for dirty dancing.
193
00:08:46,352 --> 00:08:50,446
We had booze, sexy music,
and because it was August by a lake,
194
00:08:50,615 --> 00:08:52,264
lots of mosquitos.
195
00:08:57,864 --> 00:09:00,439
My favorite partner was Dancy McGee.
196
00:09:00,458 --> 00:09:02,625
She was the best dancer on the staff,
197
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:04,627
as you can tell from this dance party
198
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:07,446
where she's dancing
neither better nor worse
199
00:09:07,540 --> 00:09:10,115
than anyone on the staff.
200
00:09:10,284 --> 00:09:12,693
But there Jennifer was again,
201
00:09:12,712 --> 00:09:15,120
always with her nose
pressed against the glass,
202
00:09:15,214 --> 00:09:18,773
or anything else she was
standing three feet away from.
203
00:09:18,798 --> 00:09:20,722
Might be going
a bit hard with the nose stuff.
204
00:09:20,747 --> 00:09:23,306
Relax, she's
fine. She got a new one.
205
00:09:23,325 --> 00:09:25,566
It was time to make my move.
206
00:09:25,586 --> 00:09:26,901
Hey, do I know you?
207
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:28,494
Yeah. We were both in Red Dawn
208
00:09:28,589 --> 00:09:31,906
and we probably had sex on set
and then you dumped me
209
00:09:31,925 --> 00:09:33,574
and now we famously hate each other.
210
00:09:33,668 --> 00:09:35,260
Oh, yeah, Jennifer.
211
00:09:35,285 --> 00:09:38,804
Well, welcome to the Poke-a-nose.
212
00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:40,874
That was kind of my joke around camp.
213
00:09:40,899 --> 00:09:44,251
People loved it, way better than
my "welcome to the Catskills" bit.
214
00:09:44,271 --> 00:09:47,254
I was not invited back to that camp.
215
00:09:47,274 --> 00:09:49,590
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
216
00:09:49,615 --> 00:09:51,448
What's the matter?
217
00:09:51,473 --> 00:09:53,290
It's-it's my jaw.
218
00:09:53,315 --> 00:09:56,948
It's very clicky.
I th... I think I have TMJ.
219
00:09:56,973 --> 00:09:58,731
- TMJ?
- Oh, no!
220
00:09:58,756 --> 00:10:00,391
I hear that causes mild discomfort but
221
00:10:00,415 --> 00:10:02,362
doesn't otherwise
interfere with lifestyle.
222
00:10:02,387 --> 00:10:05,365
Of course, back then, it
was illegal to get jaw surgery.
223
00:10:05,517 --> 00:10:07,350
The only places that would do it
224
00:10:07,369 --> 00:10:10,036
were sketchy, unsafe,
back-alley jaw clinics.
225
00:10:10,188 --> 00:10:12,522
Do you want to keep the TMJ?
226
00:10:12,540 --> 00:10:15,967
Come on, Joe. I'm single, I'm poor,
227
00:10:15,992 --> 00:10:17,687
I work at a Jewish camp for tips.
228
00:10:17,712 --> 00:10:18,970
Ugh. Brutal.
229
00:10:19,047 --> 00:10:21,531
What's three percent of frugal,
am I right?
230
00:10:21,549 --> 00:10:23,032
Not the year for it, Peter.
231
00:10:23,051 --> 00:10:25,368
But, Dancy, what about
the big talent show?
232
00:10:25,387 --> 00:10:28,037
Dancy was gonna be my partner
at the camp talent show,
233
00:10:28,056 --> 00:10:30,982
which is the most important
thing in this whole story.
234
00:10:31,134 --> 00:10:34,819
After I get my jaw surgery,
I'm gonna be in mouth recovery, Joe.
235
00:10:34,971 --> 00:10:36,229
I'm out.
236
00:10:36,323 --> 00:10:39,065
What? Then who am I
supposed to dance with?
237
00:10:39,159 --> 00:10:40,975
Literally any one of these other women
238
00:10:41,069 --> 00:10:43,372
- we just saw dancing?
- I'll do it.
239
00:10:43,397 --> 00:10:44,427
Ugh.
240
00:10:44,452 --> 00:10:46,981
I know I've never danced before,
but you could teach me.
241
00:10:47,150 --> 00:10:50,168
All right, I'll give you a shot,
but you better not be ticklish
242
00:10:50,193 --> 00:10:53,563
if I touch the inside of your arm
during dance practice.
243
00:10:53,581 --> 00:10:56,508
Y-Yeah. No, no, that-that
won't be a problem.
244
00:11:02,182 --> 00:11:07,033
This is the I was talking about!
245
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:15,601
Wow, I guess I'm just really bad at
246
00:11:15,754 --> 00:11:17,937
you holding me over your head
while I do nothing.
247
00:11:17,962 --> 00:11:19,812
Eh, keep practicing. You'll get there.
248
00:11:20,033 --> 00:11:21,941
Anyway, I like how you
always seem to drop me
249
00:11:22,093 --> 00:11:24,536
into the one warm spot
in this whole cold lake.
250
00:11:24,687 --> 00:11:28,448
Yeah, and I, uh, I like how
you're at least 18 years old.
251
00:11:28,473 --> 00:11:29,667
Actually, I'm...
252
00:11:29,692 --> 00:11:31,601
I like how you're at least 18 years old.
253
00:11:31,619 --> 00:11:35,380
Her nickname was "Baby,"
which means over 18 years old.
254
00:11:35,531 --> 00:11:38,458
Anyway, we were falling
in love, but then...
255
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:41,294
- Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
- Again?
256
00:11:41,388 --> 00:11:43,129
He's developmentally disabled
257
00:11:43,206 --> 00:11:45,131
and that's the only thing
he knows how to say
258
00:11:45,225 --> 00:11:47,517
but still, we should go check on her.
259
00:11:51,623 --> 00:11:53,881
It's... it's bad, right?
260
00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:54,974
No, no, it's fine.
261
00:11:55,068 --> 00:11:57,026
Hey, can you hang on a sec?
262
00:12:01,608 --> 00:12:03,800
President Kennedy
said he's excited to show
263
00:12:03,818 --> 00:12:08,304
the city of Dallas, quote,
"just how white a shirt can be."
264
00:12:08,323 --> 00:12:11,232
Joe, this is serious.
My whole jaw's messed up.
265
00:12:11,251 --> 00:12:13,418
I don't understand.
We sent you to the best
266
00:12:13,443 --> 00:12:15,961
cigarette-smoking surgeon we know.
267
00:12:16,314 --> 00:12:18,423
But listen, you're gonna be okay.
268
00:12:19,616 --> 00:12:20,874
Son of a bitch!
269
00:12:20,899 --> 00:12:23,987
Fortunately, Jennifer had
called her father, who's a doctor.
270
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,598
Oh, dear God.
Good thing I got here in time.
271
00:12:26,623 --> 00:12:30,084
Fetch me my big bag of medical supplies
I take on vacation.
272
00:12:30,103 --> 00:12:31,828
Thank you for coming, Dr. Hartman.
273
00:12:31,830 --> 00:12:33,846
Shut up. I don't like you
because you're poor.
274
00:12:33,999 --> 00:12:35,417
Daddy, is she gonna be okay?
275
00:12:35,442 --> 00:12:38,001
She's gonna make it.
But I blame you for this.
276
00:12:38,019 --> 00:12:39,426
Because it's important for the story
277
00:12:39,521 --> 00:12:41,549
- that I blame you for this.
- I'm sorry.
278
00:12:41,574 --> 00:12:42,758
Sorry doesn't cut it.
279
00:12:42,783 --> 00:12:45,525
Something this terrible
calls for real consequences.
280
00:12:45,619 --> 00:12:48,953
No dancing with my daughter
at the meaningless talent show.
281
00:12:49,122 --> 00:12:50,938
What? No!
282
00:12:51,032 --> 00:12:52,849
My word is final.
283
00:12:56,112 --> 00:12:59,130
So what I'm doing right
here is I'm thinking about Jennifer
284
00:12:59,282 --> 00:13:00,857
and how she's like the wind.
285
00:13:00,875 --> 00:13:02,634
What does that
mean, "she's like the wind"?
286
00:13:02,861 --> 00:13:04,544
Just, you know, she and the wind.
287
00:13:04,638 --> 00:13:07,030
Uh, lots of similarities
there, you know.
288
00:13:07,164 --> 00:13:08,698
She's very wind-like.
289
00:13:08,716 --> 00:13:10,308
Yeah, but
like, but how, specifically?
290
00:13:10,535 --> 00:13:11,976
I mean, where do I even start?
291
00:13:12,128 --> 00:13:14,813
Basically, they're like
two peas in a pod, those two.
292
00:13:14,964 --> 00:13:16,463
Her and the wind. You know?
293
00:13:16,483 --> 00:13:17,890
No, I don't kn... You know,
294
00:13:18,043 --> 00:13:20,318
you keep saying "you know,"
and I don't know,
295
00:13:20,343 --> 00:13:21,704
and that's why I'm asking the question.
296
00:13:21,729 --> 00:13:24,714
In what precise way
is she like the wind?
297
00:13:24,807 --> 00:13:28,326
Well, um, like, if you
picture my heart like trees,
298
00:13:28,477 --> 00:13:30,662
she blows through my trees.
299
00:13:30,813 --> 00:13:32,997
All right, so in
what way is your heart like trees?
300
00:13:33,022 --> 00:13:34,959
Aw, look, it's a good song, okay?!
301
00:13:34,984 --> 00:13:37,393
The point is I'm missing
Jennifer, I want her back.
302
00:13:37,486 --> 00:13:40,321
Just say that then.
Enough with this wind business.
303
00:13:40,415 --> 00:13:42,231
Finally, it came...
304
00:13:42,250 --> 00:13:44,158
The night of the big talent show.
305
00:13:44,235 --> 00:13:46,903
The show started late
'cause the grandma bragging
306
00:13:46,996 --> 00:13:48,571
had gone a bit long.
307
00:13:48,664 --> 00:13:51,074
Doctor!
308
00:13:51,076 --> 00:13:52,909
Buzz, buzz, buzz, lawyer.
309
00:13:52,927 --> 00:13:56,429
Five foot, six.
310
00:13:56,523 --> 00:13:59,524
Everyone, I hope you enjoyed
the dinner of leftovers
311
00:13:59,549 --> 00:14:01,066
from last year's dinner.
312
00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:02,941
I mentioned it was
a Jewish camp, right?
313
00:14:02,966 --> 00:14:06,359
But now it's time
to start the talent show.
314
00:14:07,850 --> 00:14:10,443
This was my last chance. I
wasn't gonna let all those hours
315
00:14:10,595 --> 00:14:13,037
of standing in a lake go to waste.
316
00:14:13,189 --> 00:14:16,282
Nobody puts Legal Adult in a corner.
317
00:14:16,434 --> 00:14:19,360
Unfortunately, this was
the Star of David Dining Hall,
318
00:14:19,379 --> 00:14:22,271
so pretty much
the whole place was corners.
319
00:14:22,365 --> 00:14:25,291
It was finally time
for us to dance together.
320
00:14:25,385 --> 00:14:27,385
Happy 1963, everyone.
321
00:14:27,612 --> 00:14:32,115
For our big finale, we're gonna
dance to a song written in 1985.
322
00:14:40,049 --> 00:14:43,234
? She bop, he bop a we bop ?
323
00:14:43,386 --> 00:14:45,052
? I bop, you bop... ?
324
00:14:45,071 --> 00:14:47,906
We had to dance to this
song about female masturbation
325
00:14:47,931 --> 00:14:50,868
because we couldn't afford
"The Time of My Life."
326
00:14:50,893 --> 00:14:52,886
I think you
mean open parentheses
327
00:14:52,911 --> 00:14:55,972
"I've Had" closed parentheses,
"The Time of My Life."
328
00:14:55,997 --> 00:14:58,577
Sure, whatever. The
point is we danced great
329
00:14:58,602 --> 00:15:01,786
and everyone was cheering for us.
330
00:15:03,496 --> 00:15:05,237
Yay!
331
00:15:05,331 --> 00:15:07,423
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
332
00:15:07,650 --> 00:15:10,927
And that's the
story of my first love.
333
00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:13,170
P.S., that night we had sex,
I got her pregnant,
334
00:15:13,195 --> 00:15:15,253
and three weeks later
she had an abortion.
335
00:15:15,278 --> 00:15:18,541
I mean jaw-fixing.
Whatever we called it earlier.
336
00:15:23,608 --> 00:15:26,109
- Well, I remember my first...
- Anyway, I remember my first...
337
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:28,424
Oh.
338
00:15:28,449 --> 00:15:31,332
Think, uh, think it's probably
gonna be Peter, right?
339
00:15:31,357 --> 00:15:32,598
Sorry, Cleveland.
340
00:15:32,617 --> 00:15:35,618
But I remember my first love.
341
00:15:35,695 --> 00:15:39,514
It was 1989,
the golden age of Hollywood.
342
00:15:39,532 --> 00:15:42,199
The year of Troop Beverly Hills,
343
00:15:42,224 --> 00:15:44,315
Fletch Lives, Gleaming the Cube,
344
00:15:44,462 --> 00:15:45,962
and a hilarious new addition
345
00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:48,464
to the Harry and the Hendersons
franchise.
346
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:51,582
Harry meets a girl Bigfoot? Count me in.
347
00:15:51,878 --> 00:15:54,362
Well, that's
what I thought, anyway.
348
00:15:54,455 --> 00:15:58,141
Turns out Harry was shorter in
this movie, but he did look marvelous.
349
00:15:58,368 --> 00:16:00,885
And the actress? Oh, my gosh.
350
00:16:02,872 --> 00:16:04,963
You know how I always wanted
to marry a woman
351
00:16:05,041 --> 00:16:07,058
who looks like the Full House baby?
352
00:16:07,083 --> 00:16:10,084
Well, this was her: Meg Ryan.
353
00:16:10,109 --> 00:16:12,336
Schwing! I said, being the first person
354
00:16:12,361 --> 00:16:13,633
who ever said that.
355
00:16:13,658 --> 00:16:16,551
Ha, ha, that guy's the first person
to ever say that.
356
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:18,109
Wow, you're hilarious.
357
00:16:18,134 --> 00:16:19,709
What's your name so we can tell everyone
358
00:16:19,734 --> 00:16:20,992
that you were the first?
359
00:16:21,017 --> 00:16:23,368
Aw, come on, guys, I don't care
who gets the credit.
360
00:16:23,393 --> 00:16:25,242
This is making
your story less credible.
361
00:16:25,395 --> 00:16:29,038
Anyway, from the
first time I saw Meg Ryan pout
362
00:16:29,190 --> 00:16:30,414
in When Harry Met Sally,
363
00:16:30,508 --> 00:16:33,751
I knew I wanted to see her pout
in every movie.
364
00:16:33,845 --> 00:16:37,162
And then eventually change her
face so she's incapable of pouting.
365
00:16:42,595 --> 00:16:46,004
Ah, nothing better
than movie theater popcorn.
366
00:16:46,082 --> 00:16:48,432
Some for me, some for the cleaning guy.
367
00:16:48,526 --> 00:16:51,602
Some for me, some for the cleaning guy.
368
00:16:51,696 --> 00:16:54,030
So, you must really like this movie.
369
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:57,608
Are... are-are you...
are you talking to me?
370
00:16:57,685 --> 00:16:59,443
I got to talk to somebody.
371
00:16:59,596 --> 00:17:03,689
He's about to do a 20-minute song parody
of the 1988 Oscar nominees.
372
00:17:03,708 --> 00:17:05,766
? Broadcast News to the left of me ?
373
00:17:05,860 --> 00:17:07,602
? Fatal Attraction to the right ?
374
00:17:07,695 --> 00:17:11,288
? Here I am, Moonstruck
in the middle with you. ?
375
00:17:11,383 --> 00:17:14,275
Come join me, Peter. It's a 1980s movie,
376
00:17:14,368 --> 00:17:16,886
so there's lots and lots of 1940s music.
377
00:17:29,884 --> 00:17:32,643
- What's that guy doing?
- He's ruining the movie.
378
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,946
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
379
00:17:38,985 --> 00:17:40,243
So that happened.
380
00:17:40,394 --> 00:17:42,394
I've never heard that.
381
00:17:42,414 --> 00:17:45,306
You're the first.
Peter Griffin's the first.
382
00:17:45,324 --> 00:17:47,158
Aw, come on, Meg Ryan,
it's not about that.
383
00:17:47,252 --> 00:17:49,502
Yeah, you
got to stop doing this, Peter.
384
00:17:52,331 --> 00:17:54,148
That day we talked and talked
385
00:17:54,167 --> 00:17:57,260
as an unrealistic amount
of leaves fell around us.
386
00:17:57,487 --> 00:17:59,244
Hey, thanks for walking me around
387
00:17:59,338 --> 00:18:01,264
in this watered-down Woody Allen movie.
388
00:18:01,491 --> 00:18:04,175
You're welcome, Peter.
But what do you think?
389
00:18:04,327 --> 00:18:07,770
Can a man and a woman just be friends
without the sex?
390
00:18:07,922 --> 00:18:10,998
Oh, uh, yeah, uh, sure, yeah.
391
00:18:11,017 --> 00:18:12,683
Uh, me-men and women
can just be friends.
392
00:18:12,835 --> 00:18:15,278
But, like, the fourth
or fifth friend you call.
393
00:18:15,505 --> 00:18:17,780
What do you say, Peter? Friends?
394
00:18:18,007 --> 00:18:20,357
- Friends with benefi...
- Benefits? No.
395
00:18:20,452 --> 00:18:22,009
I was gonna say Benefiber.
396
00:18:22,028 --> 00:18:24,028
I been getting wicked stopped up lately.
397
00:18:24,053 --> 00:18:25,216
Ew.
398
00:18:25,241 --> 00:18:28,011
Welcome to being friends
with a guy, Meg Ryan.
399
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:33,796
Me and Meg Ryan
had a special connection.
400
00:18:34,023 --> 00:18:37,358
I even followed her into other
movies, like Sleepless in Seattle,
401
00:18:37,376 --> 00:18:39,284
which ends on the top
of the Empire State building.
402
00:18:39,304 --> 00:18:41,620
Gee, Pop, I'm sorry I left my backpack
403
00:18:41,639 --> 00:18:43,714
just laying around
at the Empire State Building,
404
00:18:43,808 --> 00:18:46,717
which is an actual plot point
from the film.
405
00:18:46,869 --> 00:18:49,220
Don't worry, it's still just the 1990s,
406
00:18:49,372 --> 00:18:52,223
so it's okay to abandon your backpack
in big-city landmarks.
407
00:18:52,317 --> 00:18:54,984
See something, say nothing,
408
00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:57,612
That's the 1990s New York way.
409
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:02,566
- Hey.
- Hey.
410
00:19:02,660 --> 00:19:06,070
Ah. This is our last chance
to look at Brooklyn
411
00:19:06,164 --> 00:19:08,055
before Lena Dunham gets there.
412
00:19:08,074 --> 00:19:10,148
I also followed
her to You've Got Mail,
413
00:19:10,168 --> 00:19:12,409
where I drove her little
bookstore out of business
414
00:19:12,504 --> 00:19:15,062
before my big bookstore
went out of business.
415
00:19:15,081 --> 00:19:18,508
Also, I DMed her on my
eight-inch-thick laptop.
416
00:19:19,585 --> 00:19:23,328
As always, I wrote to her
as friends. Just friends.
417
00:19:23,348 --> 00:19:26,516
It seemed like we'd be
just friends forever,
418
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:29,501
but then came the movie
that changed everything.
419
00:19:29,595 --> 00:19:32,355
The most important film of all time:
420
00:19:32,506 --> 00:19:35,249
In the Cut. Because naked!
421
00:19:35,268 --> 00:19:38,435
It's just, ever since we met
you've been my best friend,
422
00:19:38,588 --> 00:19:40,345
and I was always afraid of damaging that
423
00:19:40,365 --> 00:19:42,439
because I don't want to risk
this connection.
424
00:19:42,592 --> 00:19:45,183
Shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Hey.
425
00:19:45,203 --> 00:19:47,370
Shut up, Meg.
426
00:19:47,521 --> 00:19:49,940
Excuse me, sir? Sir.
427
00:19:49,965 --> 00:19:51,068
Wake up, sir.
428
00:19:51,093 --> 00:19:53,900
Turns out I never did
get pulled up into that movie screen.
429
00:19:53,902 --> 00:19:57,438
I had just Pee Wee Herman'ed
myself in the theater and fell asleep.
430
00:19:57,456 --> 00:19:59,197
Huh? What?
431
00:19:59,292 --> 00:20:00,958
What's going on here?
432
00:20:01,052 --> 00:20:02,885
Um...
433
00:20:03,112 --> 00:20:04,870
I'll have what she's having?
434
00:20:04,889 --> 00:20:08,132
And that's when my doctor said,
"You can't drink and do Ambien."
435
00:20:08,284 --> 00:20:11,468
So, there you go,
my first love: Meg Ryan.
436
00:20:11,563 --> 00:20:13,304
Or maybe Melanie Griffith.
437
00:20:13,456 --> 00:20:14,972
You know, now that
I'm thinking about it,
438
00:20:15,124 --> 00:20:17,567
did you see Body Double? Good God.
439
00:20:18,064 --> 00:20:19,822
That's a wonderful story, Peter.
440
00:20:19,847 --> 00:20:21,437
I'm always happy just to listen
441
00:20:21,462 --> 00:20:24,596
and be here for you.
442
00:20:32,900 --> 00:20:34,876
Donna says hi.
443
00:20:39,257 --> 00:20:42,650
Is it okay if I tell
my first love story?
444
00:20:42,668 --> 00:20:43,984
If it wasn't good enough to tell
445
00:20:44,003 --> 00:20:46,320
in one of the 88 episodes of your show,
446
00:20:46,339 --> 00:20:48,014
maybe it's not good enough for us.
447
00:20:50,584 --> 00:20:52,827
Could you guys do me a favor and laugh
448
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,920
like I'm telling you a hilarious story?
449
00:20:54,939 --> 00:20:56,421
See?
450
00:20:56,441 --> 00:20:58,015
I get a flashback, too.
451
00:20:58,109 --> 00:21:00,818
I don't see nothing shimmering.
452
00:21:01,002 --> 00:21:05,002
- Synced and corrected by synk -
- www.addic7ed.com -
34811
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