Original subtitles

Houston...

this is Condor.

We are doing an EVA of the payload.

We are about to present the module with...

What the...

Oh, my gentle Jesus!

Houston,

we have a problem.

Launch procedure commence.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yes! Yes!

Oh God.

And I am spent.

Do you smoke after sex?

I don't know baby, I never looked.

Austin.

What shall we do now?

Well, I have got an idea.

Why don't we shag?

Again?

Sure baby. We are only up to chapter 11 in the Kamasutra.

Don't you wanna try the Wheelbarrow,

the Praying Donkey or the...

Chinese Shag Swing?

I am gonna get us some more champagne, Jungle Boy.

I am gonna get us some more champagne, Jungle Boy.

Are you ok?

I have never felt better Austin.

Alright then.

I am just gonna go watch a movie.

Hey, In Like Flint.

That's my favorite movie.

Vanessa,

what's going on?

I don't know what you mean Austin.

I am the same Vanes...

He must be /

tu imaginación está jugando con ti, your imagination is playing with you,

querido. Dear.

Oh, my God!

Vanessa!

You are a Fembot!

No shit, Sherlock.

Machine-gun jubblies?

How did I miss those baby?

Perhaps next time you should try foreplay.

Right. Oh, my God.

Here is your wedding present, Mr. Powers.

A kamikaze bride from me...

Dr. Evil.

Oh, thank God.

I can't believe Vanessa,

my bride,

my one true love,

the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy...

was a Fembot...

all along.

Wait a tick?

That means I am single again.

Oh behave!

Yeah!

Yeah baby, yeah!

Halt!

Disgusting.

Yeah baby, yeah!

Yeah.

Hey, how are you? Good to see you.

Good. Hey. Yeah.

Revolting.

What's that? What's that?

Yes. Yeah, that looks good on you man!

Hey, what's going on?

Good to see you guys.

Yes. Good to see you.

Yeah.

Rabbis, how are you? Nice to meat.

Yes, nice meat.

Photo op.

Yeah baby.

Keep a close eye on that Kreplachistan situation.

Sir.

Jerry, Jerry.

Ok. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

If you just joined us today's topic is:

My father is evil and he wants to take over the world.

Ok, let's meet Scott Evil.

Hi Scott.

Nice to have you with us. Thanks Jerry.

Tell us about your father.

Well, my dad is the head of a worldwide evil organization with...

aspirations of world domination.

Pretty serious stuff. Where is he now?

He is like...

cryogenically frozen,

orbiting the Earth or something.

That's what you think.

But we have a surprise for you Scott.

Ok, let's bring out Scott's father, Dr. Evil.

What?

I didn't... What?

General, we have got a situation here.

What is it sergeant?

Hello Scott.

Daddy is back.

How could you do this to me?

On national television.

Well, throw me a fricking bone here Scott.

Why did you run out on me?

Because you are not quite evil enough.

Well it's true.

You are quasi-evil.

You are semi-evil.

You are the margarine of evil.

You are the Diet Coke of evil.

Just one calorie.

Not evil enough.

What are you? Some kind of freak?

Hey shut up ♪♪♪♪ off!

Ok. Ok, come on.

I will kick your ♪♪♪ punk! Bring it on, you skanky ♪♪♪♪♪.

Alright, alright. Come on.

No one talks to my son like that. It's ok.

You mother ♪♪♪♪♪♪♪ piece of ♪♪♪♪!

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

Yeah ♪♪♪♪!

I will kick your ♪♪♪

you ♪♪♪♪ ing ♪♪♪♪ sucker!

You piece of ♪♪♪♪!

You were born in your mother's ♪♪♪♪,

you ♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪.

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! I am ok.

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! I am ok.

Jerry! Jerry! Alright, you were born

in your mother's ♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

I will ♪♪♪♪ ing kill you!

I will kill you both!

There you go. Great.

There you go, I got your hood! I got your hood!

Settle down. Ok, settle down. It's ok.

It's ok. Ok, ok.

Calm down. It's only a television show. Calm down.

Ok, I am alright. I am easy. Ok. Everything ok?

Alright, get this jerk out of here.

I will give you a ♪♪♪ piece of ♪♪♪...

You mother ♪♪♪♪♪♪.

He is biting me!

He is biting me!

The ♪♪♪♪er's biting me!

♪♪♪♪ Off, you ♪♪♪♪!

Give me that! The world is mine!

The world is mine, you ♪♪♪!

You have got mail.

Hello Basil.

Hello Austin. How was your honeymoon?

Well, it turns out that Vanessa was a Fembot.

Yes, we knew all along sadly.

Anyway, I have a new assignment for you Austin.

You are scheduled for a photo shoot,

and one of the models works for Dr. Evil.

Groovy baby!

Shaguar!

Show me to the models baby.

Let the magic begin.

Who have we got today?

Ok, great.

Austin, I have heard a lot about you.

I am Rebecca Romijn.

I don't believe I have had the pleasure.

Well, of course you have not had...

the pleasure Rebecca.

We just met baby yeah.

Who are you baby?

Ivana.

Ivana Humpalot.

Excuse me?

Ivana Humpalot.

And Ivana toilet made out of gold,

but it's just not in the cards now is it?

You know.

Ok, everyone.

Let's get started.

Yes! Beautiful! Feeling it!

Let's get some smiles. It's all in here.

That's it. Yes.

Let's let the inside out.

Ok, you are an animal!

Yes! There we go! You are a tiger!

You are Tony the Tiger!

You are great!

Very good.

Loving it. Now you are a lemur.

Running as a pack. Yes, yes, we go left.

We go right.

Yes, yes, yes.

There is a predator out in the jungle. What's going on?

Burrow! Burrow!

You are a lemur! It's all you have got!

You don't have sharp teeth capable of biting.

Make interconnected tunnels I like the Vietcong.

And look! Look, look, look, look!

I am not even shooting you. It's crazy.

And I am spent.

Right, that's a wrap everyone.

Miss Humpalot.

Da, darling?

Shall we?

Give me moment.

Yes.

Dr. Evil,

several years ago we invested in a small,

Seattle-based coffee company.

Today,

Starbucks offers premium-quality coffee,

at affordable prices.

Delish.

Dr. Evil,

if we shift our resources

away from evil empires

and toward Starbucks,

we can increase our profits fivefold.

Number Two,

I make the decisions here, ok?

I demand a little respect.

Dr. Evil, you have a little of the...

Silence!

I will not tolerate your insolence!

Frau Farbissina.

How are you?

Very good Doctor.

How are things?

I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name.

To my right is my lover.

We met at the LPGA tour.

Her name is Unibrau.

Right on.

Welcome Unibrau.

Doctor you...

What, what?

You have a little...

milk, nose, mustache.

I know.

I know, I know.

Meant to.

It's how we drink it in Belgium.

It's called a Belgian Dip.

Dr. Evil,

while you were frozen...

we began a program,

to clone you.

Cool.

Send in the clone!

He is exactly like you in every way...

except one eighth your size.

Breathtaking.

I shall call him...

Mini-Me.

Your stock is rising, Number Two.

Come Mr. Bigglesworth.

Mini-Me,

are you hungry?

Something to eat?

Not even a Hot Pocket?

An Eggo?

No. No, we don't gnaw on our kitty.

Leave... No.

Leave Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth alone.

Just love him and stroke him.

As you know,

every diabolical scheme that I have hatched,

has been thwarted by Austin Powers.

And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?

Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you are a big dope?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

Down.

Down Mini-Me.

No.

Austin Powers always defeats me because he has...

mojo.

Mojo?

Mojo.

The libido,

the life force,

the essence, the right stuff.

What the French call a certain...

I don't know what.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have developed a device for traveling through time which I call...

A time machine.

Using this time machine,

I am going to go back to the '60s and steal Austin Powers' mojo.

If you have a time machine,

why not just go back and kill Austin when he is sitting on the crapper something?

How about...

no...

Scott, ok?

Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market?

We could make trillions.

Why make trillions when we could make...

Billions?

A trillion is more than a billion numbnuts.

Alright, zip it.

You can't even... Zip it!

Zip.

Look I am... Ladies and gentlemen

of the jury, ex-zip it A.

Number Two, would you please back... Look!

I am Zippy Long stocking.

I can... When a problem comes along,

you must zip it.

Zip it good.

Frau would you please...

Subtitle: Zip it.

I am just trying... Zip!

Would you like to have a suckle of my zipple?

I want you... Zip!

Stop... Zip!

Zip it! Zip it! This...

All...

You know...

You are like a child.

Talking...

If you... Just...

One time...

Zip it. Unveil the time portal.

As you know,

Austin Powers was frozen in 1967.

Therefore, I will travel to 1969.

Two years after he was frozen.

He will be helpless.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am about to travel through time, I bid you adieu.

I am ok.

I am ok.

Not turned on, I suppose.

Yeah.

Do you think you could...

Yeah, thanks.

Come Mini-Me!

Don't be scared Mini-Me.

Dr. Evil.

Welcome to 1969.

Thank you, Number Two.

You look so healthy...

and youthful.

Oh thank you.

Heil doctor.

And Frau,

you look so...

Right.

You know, Dr. Evil, I received your memo from the future.

Your new lair,

is up and running.

Is it a hollowed-out volcano, like I asked for?

Of course.

Good.

Then it's all going perfectly to plan.

Yeah, baby, yeah!

When did you get the clapper?

November 1964.

Dutch East Indies, shore leave.

Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?

I can guess baby.

We play chess.

I guessed wrong.

It takes a keen intellect,

to play chess Mr. Powers.

I assume you know how to play.

Of course baby.

What to do, what to do.

Let me ask you a question.

And be honest.

Do I make you horny baby?

Do I?

Do I make you randy?

Yeah?

No more games.

Dr. Evil,

sent me here to kill you but, but...

I find you so...

Sexy and...

Yes.

Just make love to me.

Now Austin Powerovich.

Hurry.

You are hairy, like animal!

Grr baby. Very grr.

Make love to me, monkey man.

Dr. Evil I...

don't understand how we can hope to steal Austin Powers' mojo.

We have tried this before.

The security around Powers is foolproof.

But this time we have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense.

Really?

Yes really.

He is stealing Austin Powers' mojo even as we speak.

Really?

Really.

He is a disgruntled Scottish guard known for his lethal temper and his unusual eating habits.

He weighs a metric ton.

His name:

Fat Bastard.

We have had reports,

there is a spy in the Ministry of Defense.

The contents of this room are vital to the country.

Be on special alert.

Yes sir!

And...

try to lose some weight, for God's sake.

Yes sir!

Mr. English Colonel, telling me to lose weight.

Oh, I am a hard case, he says.

Well, listen up Sonny Jim,

I ate a baby!

Oh aye.

Baby,

the other Other White Meat.

Baby,

it's what's for dinner.

Oh, I have got your mojo now, sonny Jim!

What's wrong?

Crikey!

I have lost my mojo.

Austin, the test results confirm that you have lost your mojo.

And it could not come at a worse time.

We have evidence that Dr. Evil,

has developed a time machine,

and has traveled back to the year 1969.

Luckily, we too have developed a time-travel device,

to transport you back to the '60s.

This...

is where you input your destination.

Wait a tick.

Basil,

if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967,

presumably, I could go visit my frozen self.

But, if I am still frozen in 1967,

how could I have been unthawed in the '90s and traveled back to...

Oh, no, I have gone cross-eyed.

I suggest you don't worry about this sort of thing and...

just enjoy yourself.

That goes for you all too.

Yes.

This is smashing Basil.

I will go back to the '60s,

recharge my mojo,

defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea.

Swinging '60s, here I come baby, yeah!

Move!

Move!

Move!

No, Austin, no! No!

Sorry.

I bet that's expensive.

Quite alright.

Oh! Stop! Stop! Sorry, here we go.

Almost. Sorry!

Easy, easy.

God damn barrels, Austin.

Yeah, see, here we go,

here we go. Alright.

Yeah baby!

Yeah!

Godspeed Austin Powers.

I am home.

Austin Powers!

Austin Powers? Yes.

I am back in the '60s, baby, yeah!

Yeah, alright, there you are.

Yeah!

Hey, hey, hey.

Get your hands off my heinie baby.

Who are you today baby?

My name is Robin Swallows.

Swallows.

That's an interesting name.

Maiden name is Spitz.

Well, which is it baby?

Spitz or Swallows?

Those are skintight.

How do you get into those pants baby?

You can start by buying me a drink.

I want.

I want.

You better play it cool.

Your friend works for Dr. Evil.

And just who do you work for baby?

Tell me, Mr. Powers.

Do you swing?

Are you kidding baby?

I put the grr in swinger baby!

Then why don't you come right...

over...

here.

Ok, I could do that.

Easy.

Cheeky.

Prepare to die Powers!

Use the machine gun!

Say goodbye Powers!

Use the bazooka!

No!

The fall will kill us both Powers!

You can't win Powers.

Why won't you die?

Care for a ride?

Go! Go! Go!

Go!

Austin Powers I presume.

Powers by name,

Powers by reputation.

Felicity Shag well, CIA.

Shag well by name,

Shag-very-well by reputation.

Oh, behave.

Not if I can help it.

Yes.

You know what's remarkable,

is how much England looks in no way like southern California.

Crikey!

We have got company. It looks like one of Dr. Evil's assassins.

Steady now.

Steady.

Hands up.

Do you remember me,

Austin Powers?

I don't recall your name, but your...

fez...

is familiar.

My name is Mustafa.

And I am the man who will be killing you now.

Who sent you?

You will have to kill me.

Who sent you?

Kiss my ass Powers.

Who sent you?

Dr. Evil.

That was easy.

That was easy.

Why did you tell us?

I can't stand to be asked the same question three times.

It just irritates me.

Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Why would he tell me?

I am just one of his low level functionaries.

Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

You will have to torture me, I will never tell you.

Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Damn. Three times.

He is hiding...

in the secret volcano lair.

Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?

I spit at that question!

Do I really have to ask you two more times?

Go to hell Powers.

Fine.

Where is Dr. Evil's secret...

volcano lair?

I will take it to the grave with me!

You have to answer. He asked three times.

No, no, no.

No!

The second question was...

Do I really have to ask you two more times?

That would be the first question in a new line of questioning,

and would not count in the other line of questioning.

Yeah, he is right.

I am just trying to get information from you man.

I don't need any consistency in the questions, do I?

No, no, you are preaching to the converted.

I...

Well, if I am preaching to the converted,

then why are you being so slavish to the three question form is my question?

You are not even looking at me, man. Now you are just being rude.

You are not listening man.

Oh, crikey.

Well Austin,

I think this time you may have finally met your match.

Oh no baby.

I have beaten Dr. Evil before, and I will beat him again.

I was talking about me.

Yeah.

Hello up there.

I seem to have fallen down a cliff.

I am still alive,

but I am very badly injured.

I think my legs might be broken,

but I will try to stand up.

Yes, they are broken.

Perhaps you could toss me a Band-Aid

or some antibacterial cream.

I am in an extraordinarily...

large amount of pain.

The bone has gone through the skin.

I fear it might be gangrenous.

The wound is beginning to smell a little like almonds,

which is not good.

Please?

No one?

Sorry. I will try the other leg.

Two of my assassins are dead.

I will not tolerate failure.

I am the man who will maintain the dignity of this evil organization.

What the hell was that?

Volcanic eruption!

May I present to you,

my spy in the Ministry of Defense.

Fat Bastard.

First things first.

Where is your shitter?

I have got a turtle head poking out.

Charming.

I am not kidding.

I got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey.

It's squidgey.

Christ, I am getting all emotional from it you know?

Right.

Fat Bastard, could I have my mojo, please?

Where is my money?

Alright, give him his money.

Jesus Christ, he is tiny.

I have had bigger chunks of corn in my crap.

Wait a minute.

He kind of looks like a baby.

Come here, I am gonna eat you!

I am bigger than you, I am higher on the food chain.

Get in my belly!

Come on!

You are lucky, wee man!

Can I have a hug?

Dr. Evil.

Let me make you a deal alright?

You get the mojo, you keep your money,

and I will get your baby.

Right.

I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, ribs.

I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, ribs.

Excuse me.

Chili, baby back ribs

Dr. Evil,

what are we going to do about Powers?

Austin Powers is no longer a threat to me.

I have his mojo.

Alright everyone.

You are dismissed.

Private time.

Dr. Evil, I don't want this to interfere with our work.

Don't worry mama.

Things won't get weird.

One for me.

And one for my homeys.

Herr Doktor.

Hello.

So, what happened here?

Apparently a rogue agent named Fat Bastard,

infiltrated the unit assigned to guard your chamber.

He used some sort of nerve gas.

These men don't remember a thing.

Captain,

Why don't you crosscheck Fat Bastard's profile,

with the mainframe at Langley?

Yes ma'am.

Can I borrow that please? Thank you.

Yes Austin, yes, yes.

Look at me. I am a sexy bitch,

baby, yeah.

You are a Popsicle, yes.

Yes. No!

No!

And I am spent.

Let's go baby.

Yeah!

Hey there. How are you?

Come on Felicity, come on.

Yeah babe!

Shall we sit down?

Yeah. Yeah.

This is great.

Groovy.

So Austin,

what's the future like?

Well...

everyone has a flying car,

entire meals come in pill form,

and the Earth is ruled by damned dirty Apes!

Oh, my God.

Had you for a second.

You can have me for even longer, if you want.

You are one groovy baby.

Baby.

Too many babies.

Don't you dare move.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach and Mr. Elvis Costello.

♪ What do you get when you fall in love? ♪

♪ A guy with a pin to burst your bubble ♪ Would you care to dance?

I would love to. ♪ That's what you get for all your trouble ♪

♪ I will never fall in love again ♪

♪ I will never fall in love again ♪

♪ Don't tell me what it's all about ♪

♪ Because I have been there ♪ ♪ And I am glad I am out ♪

♪ Out of those chains ♪ ♪ Those chains that bind you ♪

♪ That is why I am here to remind you ♪

♪ What do you get when you fall in love ♪

♪ You only get lies and pain and sorrow ♪

♪ So for at least until tomorrow ♪

♪ I will never fall in love again ♪

♪ I will never fall in love again ♪

You are quite good on your feet.

I am even better off my feet.

Oh, behave baby.

Hi. Hi.

Hi there.

How are things?

Good Herr Doktor.

And you? Great.

Great.

Just taking a break?

Try the Hot Pockets. They are breathtaking.

It got weird didn't it? Yeah.

I knew it.

You have not called.

Look, we talked about this.

We promised each other it would not get weird.

I can't let my feelings for you interfere with my taking over the world.

You know that.

You know,

I will never love another man.

Yes, that's true.

Yeah.

Dr. Evil,

I am late.

No, you got here right on time. No.

I mean...

I am late.

Dad.

Scott.

Hey there sport.

What are you doing here?

I was just thinking that...

maybe we can work all this out.

After all you are...

my father.

Scott,

you had your chance,

ok?

I already had someone created in my image.

He is evil, he wants to take over the world,

and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.

Him? Yes.

Look at him. He is crazy.

He is like a vicious little...

Chihuahua thing.

He will kill me the first chance he gets.

Probably.

I love you.

I love you.

I am a sexy bitch, yes.

Felicity,

make yourself at home baby.

What do you think of my shag pad darling?

It's amazing Austin.

Wait a tick.

That's how my mojo was stolen.

Fat Bastard.

She is a professional agent.

She is not interested in shagging.

Please God.

Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.

Austin?

I am waiting.

How about one of your world famous massages.

You mean a...

sensual massage?

Right, then.

Ok.

Here we go.

Yes.

Oh, wait a minute. Something is itching me.

That's better.

Crikey.

How does that feel baby?

Lower.

How does that feel baby?

What?

You don't have to be cute with me.

We are way past that.

We are?

What do you think?

Listen Felicity.

I am sorry.

I can't do this.

I have to go.

Is it me?

I can't explain.

Hello Agent Shagwell.

Where is Austin?

I must have said something wrong, so he just left all of a sudden.

Listen Felicity,

I don't want you getting too close to Austin.

It's not meant to be.

I don't get too close to anybody Basil.

My interest is purely professional.

Good.

Then you won't mind tracking down Fat Bastard tonight.

No problem.

We need you to plant this homing device on him,

by any means necessary.

No problem.

Keep up the good work.

Remember,

by any means necessary.

Look at yourself.

You used to be so virile.

You were a swinger man.

And now you are nothing.

But at least it can't get any worse.

Well, surprise, surprise?

Look at that meal.

I am dead sexy.

Look at my sexy body.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, look, I am like a singer.

♪ Sexy man, sexy man. ♪

♪ Eating like a sexy man can ♪

By the way,

would you like some chicken? I have got more.

No, thanks.

Let's see, what have we got here?

I am done with that.

Alright then.

I will just put this down here.

Remember,

by any means necessary.

Must have eaten them already.

Frisky, are we?

Give it up!

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are about to begin phase two, of our evil project.

Or is it phase?

I don't know phases.

Anyways,

this is the phase in which we put a giant...

laser, on the moon.

As you know,

the moon rotates around the Earth, like so...

When the moon reaches its appropriate...

lunar alignment,

it will destroy Washington D.C.

You see, I have turned the moon into what I like to call,

A death star.

What?

No nothing Darth.

What did you call me?

No, nothing.

Rip-off!

Bless you.

Anyways, the key to this plan is the giant laser.

It was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist,

Dr. Parsons.

Therefore we shall call it,

the Alan Parsons Project.

Oh, my God.

What now?

The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982.

Why don't you just call it Operation Wang Chung,

ass...

Well, what should we...

Nothing. I am sure Operation Bananarama will be huge.

What are you saying?

If you...

Trying to be hip...

WWWdot...

dot COM

Dot-org.

You are so...

Dr. Evil,

if we could put aside the family squabbling for a moment...

I think we can get down to some serious business here.

Really? Yeah.

I don't like that insolent tone.

I meant nothing by it. No, no, no.

No, you want to run things here?

No, not at all.

You wanna be daddy?

Is that it, Number Two? What...

You wanna wear the daddy pants?

Are you gonna cry?

Are you gonna cry? I don't think so.

You gonna cry? You gonna cry?

Wait...

Are you gonna squirt some? Are you gonna cry?

Yeah, see, you are gonna cry? You are a big man now?

Yeah.

Thought so.

Felicity.

Austin.

About what happened last night.

That's ok. You don't have to explain.

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't understand. You see...

I have lost my mojo.

So that's why you...

Yes, yes.

I thought you didn't like me.

Oh, no baby. You are very shagadelic.

I just didn't wanna fall in love again,

and I thought you'd never love me without my mojo.

It's not you.

You are fab.

You are switched on. You are a bit of alright.

Yes.

That is so great.

There is something I should tell you too.

Last night, I planted a homing device on Fat Bastard.

Smashing baby,

then we can track down Fat Bastard, get my mojo,

go back to my place,

hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.

But there is more.

In order to get close to Fat Bastard,

I had to...

Hello, hello!

The signal is coming through.

He is at Paddington Station.

Let's go!

We are close baby.

This way. This way straight, no, no, left.

Through here.

We have got him.

Private bring up the ram.

Go, go, go!

Where is he?

Oh, my God!

Fat Bastard left a floater!

In the name of all things sacred, that is the most...

foul-smelling thing ever!

Somebody flush it down.

No, no. Nobody touch anything.

We have to get this sample to the lab to be analyzed.

I am gonna get it.

Austin, there you are.

Has the sample been analyzed?

Cor baby.

You look very shagadelic, yeah.

But do we really have to be here,

Felicity? I mean it's so boring.

I don't believe in science.

When it comes to the spy game to me,

it's all instinct.

Hello everybody. Hello Basil.

The results are in.

We have discovered trace elements of a rare vegetable,

found only on one island,

here, in the Caribbean.

Whoop-pee-doo!

What does it all mean, Basil?

It means that...

this is the location of Dr. Evil's lair.

Smashing Basil.

Cor.

This coffee smells like shit.

It is shit Austin.

Oh, good, then it's not just me.

It's a bit nutty.

Excuse me Dr. Evil.

I have to speak to you about this...

Mini-Me.

He is not fitting in?

Is he giving off too much of a creepy Oompa-Loompa vibe?

No, it's just that...

he bites.

He is a biter.

What's wrong Mini-Me?

Something you wanna tell us?

Teething.

Yeah.

Get me the president of the United States of America!

He is on.

What do you want Dr. Evil?

Mr. President, in 12 hours,

I will destroy Washington D.C.

with this giant laser.

What the... Jesus.

Mini-Me.

Stop humping the laser.

Ok.

Honest to God.

Why don't you and the giant laser get a fricking room, for God sakes?

Mr. President.

After I destroy Washington D.C.

I will destroy another major city,

every hour, on the hour.

That is, unless of course you pay me.

One hundred billion dollars.

Doctor Evil this is 1969.

That amount of money doesn't even exist.

That's like saying, I want a kajillion-bajillion dollars.

Come on Mr. President.

Show me the money.

Show you what money?

Show me the money! Show me the money!

You had me at hello. Tear.

Nothing? No?

It's 1969.

Jerry Maguire won't even come out for another 30 years.

Nobody knows what you are talking about,

ass.

Scott,

Daddy is working.

Ok?

And when you are in the main chamber, try and use the big-boy voice, ok?

Thank you.

Mr. President,

allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project.

Fire the laser!

Damage report! Damage report!

It's ok.

It's alright, come on.

Well actually, that was just footage from the movie Independence Day,

but the real laser would be a lot like that. Yeah.

Scary.

Now Dr. Evil...

Talk to the hand, because the face don't want to hear it anymore.

What hand?

Talk to your hand?

You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.

What are you talking about?

Don't go there girlfriend.

Whose girlfriend?

Don't mess with me. I am one crazy mofo.

I had to pop a cop because he was not giving me my props in Oaktown.

No?

I heard that somewhere.

You are an idiot.

Mr. President, I think we have an understanding.

Bye-bye.

Dr. Evil,

what are our plans regarding Austin Powers?

Austin Powers?

He is the snake to my mongoose.

Or the mongoose to my snake.

Either way, it's bad.

I don't know animals.

But I do know this.

This time it's personal.

Kill him.

There is Dr. Evil's island.

Let's set up camp.

Be careful with that bag.

There is explosives in it.

This could be dangerous.

♪ What if God was one of us ♪

♪ Just a slob like one of us ♪

Well done. Very good.

Dr. Evil.

That was fantastic.

Thank you, Number Two.

I wrote that. Yeah.

Dad,

he put this in my bed.

Who?

Your stupid Mini-You.

He put roadkill in my sheets!

What Mini-Me?

Don't you ever do that again! You hear me?

Don't you ever do that again!

I can't stay mad at you.

Look at that ponem.

Dr. Evil's headquarters is right over that next ridge.

Let me look.

Damn it.

How do we get in?

Hello, Mommy.

Mommy, can I have some chocolates?

I want some Mars Bars. Austin!

Don't smack my bottom, Mommy! Austin.

Sorry love.

I got stuck in your dirty pillows.

Let's look at the map.

Oh, great.

Austin what's our plan?

According to this map,

the entire island is crawling with Dr. Evil's guards.

I wanna make sure the explosives didn't get wet, but I can't find them.

Look in the bottom.

Ok. I will dig a little deeper.

Well this bag is really full.

Just keep digging, darling.

I will just feel around for them.

Good Lord Austin.

What sort of things do you keep in here?

Anything that catches my fancy my love.

Give it a good tug.

Do we really need this?

I will ask you not to open that inside,

thank you very much, ok? Sorry.

Oh, my God.

It went off. Yes.

It does that from time to time.

Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, that's nasty.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Smelly.

These people make me sick.

Can you snap me a beer?

What is it?

It's a gerbil.

How did that get in your bag?

I-I don't know.

Dr. Evil,

We have a problem.

Austin Powers is on the island.

Bring him to me.

Alive.

You.

Hit it!

This is a very sensitive subject.

Yeah.

♪ From the moment I heard Frau ♪

♪ Say I had a clone ♪

♪ I knew that I'd be safe ♪ ♪ Because I'd never be alone ♪

♪ An evil doctor should not speak ♪ ♪ Aloud about his feelings ♪

♪ My hurt and my pain ♪ ♪ Don't make me too appealing ♪

♪ I'd hoped Scott, would look up to me ♪

♪ Run the business of the family ♪

♪ Head an evil empire ♪ ♪ Just like his dear old dad ♪

♪ Give him my love ♪ ♪ And the things I never had ♪

♪ Scott would think ♪

♪ I was a cool guy ♪

♪ Return the love I have ♪ ♪ Make me want to cry ♪

♪ Be evil,

but have my feelings too ♪

♪ Change my life with Oprah ♪ ♪ And Maya Angelou ♪

♪ But Scott rejected me ♪

♪ C'est la vie ♪

♪ Life is cruel ♪ ♪ Treat you unfairly ♪

♪ Even so ♪

♪ A God there must be ♪

♪ Mini-Me, you complete me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Just me and you ♪

♪ You and I ♪

You have got this packed really tight.

Are you ok?

Yeah, I just got a bit of a back cramp, that's all.

Just keep packing it in.

God.

I found the explosives.

Help me check them.

You are surrounded! Drop your weapons!

Hands up!

Move out!

Ladies and gentlemen, in just a few moments,

we are gonna place a giant...

laser on the moon.

From my...

death star, I will destroy every city on the planet.

Get out of it!

Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell,

welcome to my hollowed out volcano.

This is my associate, Fat Bastard.

Felicity,

I think you two may have already...

met.

Unfortunately.

Oh, is that all the thanks I get for the night of hot sex?

I am dead sexy.

You were crap.

Yes.

In your dreams.

Felicity would never sleep with you.

Right?

I did what I had to do.

I am a secret agent.

What?

Alright, that's enough Fat Bastard.

As much as I like seeing Powers,

in agony and I do,

the thought of you naked is just gross.

You can't stop me now Mr. Powers.

I have your mojo.

My mojo... And I am taking it with me to the moon.

Put them in the jail cell!

My mojo!

I will get you, Dr. Evil, I will get you!

Oh, look at me, I am shaking in my little space boots.

I want my mojo!

Give back my mojo! Great plan Einstein.

Well, you are gonna put them in a cell with one inept guard and they will escape.

God, you do this every time.

You know Scott.

I have been a fricking evil doctor for 30 fricking years, ok?

Cut me some...

fricking slack.

You forget Scott.

We are in a volcano.

We are surrounded by liquid-hot magma.

What are you drawing?

It's just a goodbye card, that's all.

It's sweet.

Oh! Hey! Get him!

Get the baby! Back off!

Back off! Easy Scotty.

Easy! Don't fight.

Simmer down. Get in there!

Gnaw on him!

He is my posse.

Ok.

You take special care of him.

He is my special boy.

Attention.

Prepare for launch.

Repeat,

all technicians,

to launch positions.

Gentlemen.

I am about to go to the moon.

Initiate prelaunch sequence.

Main rocket engine ignition.

Frau.

Begin the countdown.

Five!

Four!

Three!

Two... Frau.

Begin the countdown at 30.

30!

29.

28.

27.

26.

25.

24.

23.

22.

21.

20.

19.

18.

17.

16.

15.

14.

13... You know what?

When the doors close, just say go.

Better.

Go!

Colonel,

you better take a look at this radar.

What is it son?

I don't know sir,

but it looks like a giant...

Dick?

Yeah?

Take a look out of starboard.

Oh, my God!

It looks like a huge...

Pecker! Where?

Wait,

that's not a woodpecker. It looks like someone is...

Privates!

We have reports of an unidentified flying object!

It is a long, smooth shaft,

complete with...

Two balls!

What is that?

That looks just like an enormous...

Wang?

Pay attention.

I was distracted, by that enormous flying...

Willie. Yeah?

What's that?

Well, it looks like a giant...

Johnson. Yes sir.

Get on the horn to British intelligence and let them know about this.

What do we do?

Why don't you just shag Fat Bastard again?

Austin, this is no time to get jealous.

Well, how could you do it?

I was just doing my job.

No, I mean literally. How could you do it?

The man is so fat, the sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling.

Look, don't try to lay your hang-ups on me just because you lost your mojo.

Ouch baby.

Very ouch.

Look Austin,

we are running out of time.

I am sorry.

I just did what I thought you would do in the same situation.

You are the reason that I became a spy.

I thought that I wanted to be you,

but then I realized that...

I wanna be with you.

You do?

Yeah.

Hang on baby.

Allez-hop!

Look, maybe we should talk about this later.

First we need to get past that inept guard.

Right. Here is the plan.

What about pretend to be desperately ill with food poisoning.

The guard, drawn by my cries of pain, comes to investigate.

Meanwhile, you dig a pit,

line it with punji sticks made from sharpened toothbrushes.

The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle we escape.

What do you think?

That might work but, what about this?

What do you think of these my man?

Mommy!

What a...

burn.

That sort of thing could get a man...

fired.

I think he was...

hot...

for...

you.

That's enough. Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to my moon base.

You have all been chosen to be part of my elite moon unit,

which is divided into two divisions:

Moon Unit Alpha,

and Moon Unit Zappa.

In exactly six hours,

the moon will move,

in its orbit around the Earth,

bringing Washington D.C.

Within range of my giant...

laser.

Begin...

laser ignition sequence.

Begin laser ignition!

Attention.

Moon Unit Zappa to firing stations.

Initiation sequence in progress.

Ok. Alright.

Gravity boost to EMS.

Steady at full power.

All I asked for was a fricking rotating chair, ok?

Oh, ok.

Ok,

ok. Ok.

Getting a little afraid.

I need an old priest and a young priest.

The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you!

Hello.

Ok.

Sick...

as a dog now.

Ok.

Ok. Get him a bucket.

Gonna vom.

We need to hitch a ride to the moon baby.

Apollo 11 is good to go.

Crew to all stations.

We will have lift off in T-minus 5 seconds.

4.

3.

2.

We have lift off!

Apollo 11 has cleared the tower

and is heading for a rendez-vous with the moon.

Arm the laser.

Arming the laser!

Attention,

arming the death star.

Battle stations. Laser armed!

All crew prepare for ready battle stations.

Get me the president.

You are gonna like this part Mini-Me.

This is the part where we threaten the world leader.

I know we do it every time. However, it is important to...

Mini-Me?

Mini-Me?

Where are you?

Can someone put a fricking bell on him or something?

Great.

Somebody get the stick.

Just grab on to the hook, alright?

You complete me.

I love you.

Hang in there, Mini-Me.

If anything should happen to you, I don't know what I would do.

I would probably move on and get another replica but,

there would be a 10 minute period there when I would just be inconsolable.

We have your money Dr. Evil, but it was not easy.

Papa has to do some work, ok?

Well, you have exactly 30 minutes to get it to me.

Ciao.

Jiminy German Jesus!

I can't believe we are gonna pay that madman.

I got nukes out the yin-yang.

Just let me launch one, for Christ sake! Sir!

Are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?

Would you miss it?

Would you miss it?

Mission control,

the swinger has landed,

yeah.

Airlock open.

Repressurize. Let's find Dr. Evil.

Yeah.

Enjoy your stay on the moon.

Hello, hello.

There he is.

I will cover your rear.

No, you go ahead.

This time, it's personal.

No more!

I can't take it anymore!

Peace?

You brought my glasses.

Bless your little heart.

That's not right, that's...

Oh, don't, that's just...

Now I am pissed!

Judo flip!

Poor little bugger.

He is so small.

He is like a dog or something.

Poor little bugger.

Get off!

Off!

Ok.

Get out of my suit!

It tickles.

Oh, it tickles. No.

Gotcha.

Poor little bugger.

I salute you.

Alright slap-head.

Turn around.

Where is my mojo?

Well, it looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers.

Save the world...

or save your girlfriend.

Austin!

Felicity!

Don't worry about me Austin!

You have got to save the world!

Kill him!

Fire the laser!

Target locking.

Laser set to full fatality.

Judo kick!

Target missed.

Mojo in trouble now.

You may have won the battle Mr. Powers,

but you lost the war.

No!

No, no!

Felicity!

Wake up Felicity, wake up!

I love you Felicity.

I love you.

Dr. Evil!

I will kill him!

Gotcha!

You shot me, you A-hole.

And now I am going to kill you.

Before you do that,

know this.

Austin.

I am your father.

Really?

No, not really.

I can't back that up.

Right. Idiot.

Yes.

But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers,

that you would rather kill me,

than save your precious Felicity?

What do you mean?

Remember,

there is a time portal in the main chamber.

You could go back and save her.

I will do that.

Felicity!

Good work.

Good work!

Good work!

Well, it looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers.

Save the world,

or save your girlfriend.

Austin!

Felicity!

Don't worry about me Austin!

You have got to save the world!

I choose love baby!

Wait a tick.

Who are you?

I am you, ten minutes from now.

Damn it, you are handsome.

I was just thinking the same.

We are sexy.

We are sexy bitches, yeah.

Alright, this is ri-goddamn-diculous.

Kill them both!

Fire the laser.

Thank you.

Fire the laser!

Listen, Past Austin.

Can you save the world while I go get the girl?

Sure, Austin-From-10-Minutes-From-Now.

Target locking.

Laser set to full fatality.

Target missed.

Come on, come on. You are alright. Yeah, come on.

You alright?

Are you ok?

Say,

what's the policy on ménage à trois?

You are adorable.

Yes.

Looking for this, Mr. Powers?

My mojo.

Self-destruct in two minutes and counting.

No! No!

Watch out!

See you in hell, Powers!

No, my...

Ok, Austin-From-10-Minutes-From-Now.

This place is gonna blow! Let's go! Come on!

Self-destruct in 30 seconds and counting.

Twenty-nine.

No!

Let's go! No!

My mojo!

We have to go! We have to go now!

My mojo, I am useless without it!

You don't need it, you have had it all along.

What do you mean?

You defeated Dr. Evil, you saved the world,

and believe me you are gonna get the girl.

Well.

Yeah. Alright, then maybe later.

Yeah, come on.

Go!

I will set the controls for 1967.

Felicity, why don't you come with me to 1999?

Well, I don't know the '60s were just so groovy I mean.

I wanna to see what happens in the '70s and '80s.

The '70s and the '80s?

You are not missing anything.

I looked into it.

There is a gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls.

That's about it.

Let's go!

I love you Austin Powers.

And I love you, Felicity Shagwell.

Wherever we go.

There we are.

Special delivery.

Surprise, surprise!

Listen Missy.

Do you fancy another go?

Because once you have had fat,

you never go back.

You shut your mouth you bastard.

Who is fat?

That's right, yeah.

Before you kill us,

let me ask you one question.

Are you happy?

What kind of stupid-ass question is that?

I am rich and I am dead sexy!

Yeah.

Well, you didn't answer my question.

Are you happy?

Of course I am not happy.

Look at me, I am a big fat slob.

I have got bigger titties than you do.

I have got more chins than a Chinese phone book!

I have not seen my willy in two years,

which is long enough,

to declare it legally dead!

I can't stop eating.

I eat because I am unhappy.

And I am unhappy because I eat.

It's a vicious cycle.

If you will excuse me,

there is someone I have to get in touch with and forgive.

Myself.

Oh, God.

Sorry.

I farted.

It's a long road ahead.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I am gonna kill you anyway.

Judo chop!

Right in the mommy-daddy button!

That's for calling me crap, you fatty.

Listen baby, I don't care if he is a fat bastard.

You don't give a man a shot in the pills.

It's just not cricket.

Do you think I will be happy here in the '90s?

Well, I know the '90s might sound boring.

But as far as I am concerned.

I have brought the best part of the '60s back with me.

You.

Wait a minute.

Where are you going?

Did we get Dr. Evil?

No sir, he got away in that rocket that looks like a huge...

Penis.

The male reproductive organ.

Also known as tallywhacker,

schlong or...

Wiener?

Any of you kids want another wiener?

Dad, what's that?

I don't know son, but it's got great big...

Nuts! Hot, salty nuts!

Who wants some...

Lord almighty!

That looks just like my husband's...

One-eyed monster!

Step right up and see the one-eyed monster!

Hey, what's that? It looks like a big...

Woody?

Woody Harrelson?

Can I have your autograph?

Sure, no problem.

Oh, my Lord!

Look at that thing.

It's so big.

I have seen bigger. That's...

Just a little prick.

It's a flu shot.

You have been in the coldness of space. I don't want you to get sick.

It's one thing to attack me.

It's quite another to attack my Mini-Me.

I am gonna get you Austin Powers.

I am gonna get you.

By LESAIGNEUR Sync & corrections September 2022

Thank you.

Re comeback, today we are doing a follow-up

to a segment we did several months ago,

on fathers who are trying to take over the world.

Let's begin with Scott Evil.

What's going on with your dad?

Well, my dad tried to take over the world with a giant laser on the moon.

I know.

Well, Scott, we have a surprise for you.

What? My dad?

No, it's not your father.

It's your mother.

Come on out.

Mom, mom, mom.

Mom, mom, mom.

Mom?

Scott,

you are my love child with Dr. Evil.

I thought I was a test-tube baby.

He lies.

All lies!

I love you Mom.

I love you too son.

Thank you.

You know,

what have we learned here today?

Perhaps it's that...

no one can take your mojo.

You can look around you want

but what you are really trying to find is...

on the inside.

Take care of yourself,

and each other.

I think I am going to like it in the '90s.

I never knew it could be this way.

Oh baby! Baby, baby!

Oh, no.

Oh, that's good.

Felicity.

Austin?

How could you?

I thought that...

Past Austin?

Technically, it's not cheating baby.

Well Felicity,

I can't blame you.

The man is handsome baby.

We are just plain handsome, man.

Am I wrong, but this makes me horny baby?

Very randy!

Well, one thing's for sure.

I have got my mojo back.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

It's definitely back.

Hello, you alright?

Me spuds are boiling.

Come on, darling, let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.

Paging Dr. Freud.

By LESAIGNEUR Sync & corrections September 2022

Hello, up there.

Is the movie over?

I am still down here and I am still in quite a lot of pain.

Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance.

The pain is really quite severe I...

I have fashioned a makeshift splint.

Here goes nothing.