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my name is and i grew up under
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terrible conditions because my mom was
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mentally ill she often made me steal
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stuff from shops because no one
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suspected a little girl like me to be a
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thief of course i was scared of being
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caught but my mom gave me no choice
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however one night she drunk too much and
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fell down the stairs suddenly she
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couldn't walk anymore and i had to take
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care of her even though i was only 11.
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we quickly ran out of food and i said
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mommy the fridge is empty and i'm hungry
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she responded stop complaining instead
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go catch some cockroaches so he can eat
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them was she serious i was petrified of
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those disgusting little insects but i
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still trapped one of them and showed it
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to my mom she told me to cook it but we
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only had a toaster so i killed it and
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put it in there after i'd given it to my
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mom to eat i caught many more roaches
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and even ate my very first small baby
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cockroach it tasted okay so i started to
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catch hundreds of them and became the
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provider of my family but then the
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toaster broke and we had to eat them raw
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of course they were extremely dirty so
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we often got sick but at least we had a
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full stomach i continued living like
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this for weeks until people from the
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government came into our apartment and
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took me away from my mom even though i
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screamed and wanted to stay with her i
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was brought into a children's home where
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people explained to me that my mom was
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mentally ill but no one wanted to tell
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me where she was or who was taking care
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of her i felt abandoned and scared but
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there was one thing that made me feel
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safe and that was eating roaches so
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whenever i saw one i picked it up and
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put it into a toaster and ate it the
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taste gave me a feeling of comfort
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because it reminded me of my mom i
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started eating so many of them that i
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got salmonella infection and had to go
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to the hospital when i told the doctor
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that i was addicted to eating
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cockroaches he brought me to a
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psychologist who told me that there was
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nothing wrong about eating roaches as
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long as they were clean he convinced me
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to start farming roaches and that turned
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out to be much easier than i had thought
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all i needed was a box of roaches and
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some fruits to feed them after a few
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months i had more than a thousand of
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them but i made a big mistake and let
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them roam around my room freely because
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one baby roach crawled through my nose
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and into my brain while i was asleep i
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didn't know what was going on only that
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my nose hurt i kept it untreated for
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several days until i visited a doctor
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who saw something moving way up my nose
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it took several hours to pull the
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cockroach out but from then i always
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kept them locked in my box but i had
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bigger problems i had no friends or
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family and i was feeling extremely
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lonely that's why i started binge eating
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cockroaches i probably gained 10
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kilograms in 3 months and i knew i had
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to change my life or my roach addiction
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would kill me i still remember my last
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roach it was a small baby one maybe one
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centimeters big i ate it raw and alive
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then i brushed my teeth and said never
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again afterward i thought i needed an
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education to get ahead in life so i
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taught myself writing and reading by
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spending most of my days at the library
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six months later i enrolled myself in
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university there i moved into a dorm but
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the other girls didn't like me they said
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i smelled bad and lived like a pig i
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guess they were right my mother had
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never taught me to clean up anything and
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now i had to learn to shower daily and
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wash my hands when i got home but
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because no one liked me i had lots of
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time to study and it reflected through
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my grades one rainy afternoon while at
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the library i bumped into a guy he was
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dressed in all black and apologized i
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could tell he was different just like me
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i asked what are you studying here and
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he responded i'm studying philosophy we
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sat down at a cafe and talked for hours
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he was just like me he said his family
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had raised him on a farm but mostly
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neglected him he said they didn't speak
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a single word with him from age 11 to
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16. his only friends were books until he
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ran away and found a job as a
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construction worker but his love for
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reading brought him to a university just
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like it did for me i had a weird feeling
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when i looked at him i can't describe it
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but it felt good and one week later we
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had our first date we were lying next to
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each other on the grass when he laid his
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hand on my belly of course i was nervous
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i had never had a guy touch me i didn't
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know what to do but then he just kissed
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me it was the most intense feeling i've
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ever had and i got so aroused that i bit
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into his lip he said ouch and went back
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on his back i apologized and saw that he
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was bleeding gosh what had i done i was
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so stupid i said i'm so sorry i've never
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kissed a guy before
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it's okay don't worry i just didn't know
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you like it that way
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what do you mean by that way
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you like it rough that's okay
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no i don't think so he went back on top
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of me and gently choked me
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do you like this i couldn't speak so i
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just nodded i loved the way he played
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with me it was the first time i felt
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truly attracted to a guy afterward we
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became a couple and spent all our time
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together i loved sitting next to him in
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the library so i could watch him read
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books he always looked so handsome but
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one day he was just gone he didn't
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respond to my text and his dorm mate
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said he had disappeared without saying
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anything of course i was worried maybe
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something had happened to him so i
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called up all the hospitals but he
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wasn't there maybe he had left because
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of me maybe he didn't love me anymore i
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suddenly remembered my mom for years i
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had avoided thinking about her but now
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it all came back especially the guilt
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that i had not taken care of her i
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stayed inside my bed for days crying my
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heart out until i decided i had to find
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her maybe she was still alive so i went
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to the police and asked them to find out
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where they had brought my mom 10 years
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ago it took them two weeks to figure out
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but the news wasn't good my mom had died
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shortly after we were separated i can't
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describe how hard the news hit me i was
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absolutely devastated i knew i was close
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to giving up and asked myself is my life
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worth living the answer was no it's not
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but i knew it could become worth living
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if i got a nice job found a husband and
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had kids someday yes that would be a
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life worth living and that's what i'm
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working towards right now
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one morning when i went to check my
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facebook feed i realized all my male
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friends were missing from my friends
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list including my cousins my uncles and
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even my dad
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i'd given my boyfriend frank my facebook
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login so he could upload some photos for
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me but i didn't think he would mess with
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my account
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when i asked him if he knew about it he
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said oh you notice they are gone so you
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are paying attention to other men i knew
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it what the hell
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franca deleted all my male friends
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looking back i should have left him then
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but i figured it was just a stupid joke
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however his behavior only got worse i
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was working at a marketing agency and i
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would take breaks with my co-workers to
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vape outside we talk about our various
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projects and make important decisions
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during those breaks
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well one day i got home from work and
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frank confronted me saying i saw you
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hanging out with other guys at work
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today
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wow
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he had stalked me in my workplace
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watching me when he should have been
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doing his own job
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things were getting creepy i told him he
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didn't need to be jealous because i
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wasn't interested in any of my
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colleagues like that but he got really
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angry and punched the wall
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i was afraid he would hit me next so i
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told him i wouldn't do it anymore
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big mistake
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after that he wanted more and more
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control over me like he wouldn't let me
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wear certain clothes like shorts or
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tight shirts and then he stopped me from
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talking to any of my male friends
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including steve
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who is gay
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every day i got back from work he would
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ask to go through my phone at first i
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wouldn't let him i mean
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everyone deserves some privacy right and
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there were text conversations with my
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friends where we talked about things i
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didn't want frank to know about
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but if i didn't do what he wanted he'd
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scream at me for hours and start
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trashing our apartment it was so
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emotionally draining
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eventually i gave in and let him check
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my phone but i started deleting my text
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conversations before i came home so he
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couldn't see anything
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it was horrible
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i guess if he could he would have locked
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me in the house and not let me go
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anywhere without him
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it took a while but at last i realized
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things couldn't go on like that and i
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broke up with him
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for the first few weeks he stalked me
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and one day he even climbed up my
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parents house to look through our
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bathroom to watch me take a shower
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after that i got a restraining order
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from him which means he isn't allowed to
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get near me or contact me in any way or
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he will go to jail however that was two
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years ago and frank still sends me
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messages from anonymous phones
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i don't want to change my number because
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it would feel like i'm letting him win
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but whenever i see a text from him it
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stresses me out his last one was really
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weird i got another girl pregnant and
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it's all your fault
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see how crazy he is how could that be my
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fault i wish he would just leave me
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alone i don't understand why he's trying
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to make my life miserable
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but luckily i'm dating nick now and our
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relationship is much healthier he
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respects my boundaries and we trust each
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other
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i feel secure with him sure nick can be
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a bit possessive sometimes but so can i
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there's nothing wrong about being a
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little possessive it's only natural but
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when you try to control someone's whole
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life
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you have some issues and maybe you
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should get help
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i've done some research and it's
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frightening how many guys actually
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killed their girlfriends because they
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were jealous of them just talking to
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another man it's insane
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so although i'm not a professional
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therapist my advice would be to stay
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00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:57,680
away from anyone who tries to completely
273
00:09:54,959 --> 00:09:59,600
control your life those people are evil
274
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:01,600
and only care about what they can get
275
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out of you they don't care about your
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00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:06,839
happiness at all please be careful
20714
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