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1
00:00:02,939 --> 00:00:04,141
-Hi.
-KAT: Hi!
2
00:00:04,208 --> 00:00:05,845
Um, can I get
two blueberry muffins,
3
00:00:05,912 --> 00:00:07,214
one banana, one chocolate chip?
4
00:00:07,281 --> 00:00:11,022
Actually, our regular baker Phil
is on vacation,
5
00:00:11,122 --> 00:00:12,893
so we don't have
our usual variety.
6
00:00:13,026 --> 00:00:17,001
We do, however, have
our usual variety of smiles.
7
00:00:17,067 --> 00:00:18,971
There's a Starbucks
on the corner.
8
00:00:19,038 --> 00:00:22,044
You can order on your phone
and talk to no one.
9
00:00:22,111 --> 00:00:24,550
Uh, what kinds of muffins
do you have?
10
00:00:25,818 --> 00:00:27,522
Uh... brown?
11
00:00:27,589 --> 00:00:30,562
All right,
I'll take four brown muffins.
12
00:00:30,662 --> 00:00:31,195
Oh, great!
13
00:00:31,296 --> 00:00:32,999
Regular or extra crispy?
14
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,838
Trick question,
because we only have one kind
15
00:00:35,905 --> 00:00:37,408
and it's not the one you want.
16
00:00:37,474 --> 00:00:40,648
You can literally see
the Starbucks from here.
17
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:42,752
Thanks a lot, Mother.
18
00:00:42,786 --> 00:00:43,754
Here.
19
00:00:43,788 --> 00:00:45,023
Don't break a tooth.
20
00:00:45,625 --> 00:00:47,662
Oh, look! Phil just sent me
some pictures
21
00:00:47,729 --> 00:00:50,234
-of him and Jalen in Tahiti!
-Oh!
-Ooh!
22
00:00:50,334 --> 00:00:52,204
Look how happy they are.
23
00:00:52,271 --> 00:00:53,641
Lying on the beach,
24
00:00:53,741 --> 00:00:55,377
tropical drinks in their hands.
25
00:00:55,444 --> 00:00:59,720
Well, at least we still have
January in Kentucky.
26
00:00:59,786 --> 00:01:03,126
WOMAN:
You go ahead
and write me that ticket!
27
00:01:03,193 --> 00:01:04,730
I'm-a file it in the trash,
28
00:01:04,796 --> 00:01:08,804
right next to my jury summons
and my tax bill!
29
00:01:11,042 --> 00:01:13,179
Hey. What y'all doin'?
30
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,952
Uh, hi.
Uh, I'm just living my...
31
00:01:16,052 --> 00:01:17,454
Oh, shut your smile hole.
32
00:01:17,522 --> 00:01:20,695
Now, I'm gonna need an apron,
directions to the kitchen
33
00:01:20,795 --> 00:01:22,298
and, after my coffee kicks in,
34
00:01:22,364 --> 00:01:24,937
I'm gonna need about ten minutes
in the bathroom
35
00:01:25,003 --> 00:01:26,807
by myself.
36
00:01:26,907 --> 00:01:28,043
Um, uh, uh,
37
00:01:28,109 --> 00:01:29,713
wh-who exactly are you?
38
00:01:29,746 --> 00:01:30,949
Lurlene Crumpler.
39
00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:32,318
Phil's mama!
40
00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:33,955
Wow!
41
00:01:34,088 --> 00:01:36,025
It is so nice to meet you!
42
00:01:36,125 --> 00:01:39,165
But, um, I'm confused--
why do you need an apron?
43
00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:40,969
My Phil is on vacation.
44
00:01:41,069 --> 00:01:44,610
It's Crumpler custom to do his
work for him while he's gone.
45
00:01:44,676 --> 00:01:46,479
I do it for all my kin.
46
00:01:46,614 --> 00:01:50,120
Shoot, that's how I learnt
to dance on a pole.
47
00:01:51,422 --> 00:01:53,093
♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪
48
00:01:53,193 --> 00:01:56,099
♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪
49
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:57,736
All right, y'all!
50
00:01:57,802 --> 00:01:58,971
Here we go!
51
00:01:59,071 --> 00:02:00,742
Who's ready for a muffin?
52
00:02:00,842 --> 00:02:03,113
I've got butter, buttercream,
53
00:02:03,213 --> 00:02:04,750
butter-free and possum.
54
00:02:04,850 --> 00:02:06,386
(chuckles):
I'm just kidding.
55
00:02:06,452 --> 00:02:08,056
There ain't no butter-free.
56
00:02:08,123 --> 00:02:09,392
-MAX: Uh...
-(chuckles)
57
00:02:09,492 --> 00:02:10,427
(inhales)
58
00:02:10,528 --> 00:02:12,732
Wow, these smell amazing,
Mrs. Crumpler,
59
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:16,406
but I'm kind of on
a gluten reset right now.
60
00:02:17,141 --> 00:02:18,778
-Yeah, I'll take a buttercream.
-(Kat chuckles)
61
00:02:18,844 --> 00:02:21,215
-You're damn right you will,
string bean.
-Mm.
62
00:02:21,282 --> 00:02:23,921
None of you look like
you've eaten since July.
63
00:02:24,021 --> 00:02:26,025
Except for this sturdy one.
64
00:02:26,125 --> 00:02:27,361
When the world goes to hell,
65
00:02:27,428 --> 00:02:30,467
we keep you around
to pull the plow.
66
00:02:30,535 --> 00:02:31,704
Oh, my gosh.
67
00:02:31,804 --> 00:02:34,275
These are amazing. Our customers
are gonna love these.
68
00:02:34,375 --> 00:02:36,112
No kidding.
These are better than sex.
69
00:02:36,179 --> 00:02:38,416
And look who I have sex with.
70
00:02:39,418 --> 00:02:41,523
-What's your secret?
-Uh-uh.
71
00:02:41,590 --> 00:02:44,529
My Phil always says, "Never ask
a Crumpler for a recipe,
72
00:02:44,596 --> 00:02:48,136
their address or what side
of the war they fought on."
73
00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:50,842
We might be eating
Confederate muffins.
74
00:02:50,975 --> 00:02:54,415
I don't give a damn. If you
don't want yours, I'll take it.
75
00:02:54,516 --> 00:02:55,317
(cat meows)
76
00:02:55,417 --> 00:02:57,054
What is with all these cats?
77
00:02:57,121 --> 00:02:58,557
-Do y'all have a rat problem?
-(chuckles)
78
00:02:58,657 --> 00:03:01,262
You know, it's a good thing
I brought my indoor gun.
79
00:03:01,329 --> 00:03:03,934
Oh, no, Mrs. Crumpler,
uh, no guns.
80
00:03:04,035 --> 00:03:05,203
We're a rescue café.
81
00:03:05,270 --> 00:03:07,207
The cats are here
because we love them.
82
00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:08,644
Actually...
83
00:03:08,711 --> 00:03:09,613
Eh.
84
00:03:09,679 --> 00:03:11,182
Shoot 'em, Lurlene.
85
00:03:11,282 --> 00:03:14,121
You know,
y'all can call me "Mama,"
86
00:03:14,188 --> 00:03:16,894
just like
my little Philliam does.
87
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:17,562
Philliam?
88
00:03:17,629 --> 00:03:19,098
Well, that's his given name.
89
00:03:19,198 --> 00:03:20,835
It was supposed to be William,
90
00:03:20,935 --> 00:03:22,271
but his daddy was pretty drunk
91
00:03:22,371 --> 00:03:24,175
when he filled out
the birth certificate.
92
00:03:24,241 --> 00:03:26,012
Been there.
93
00:03:26,079 --> 00:03:27,549
So, Abercrombie and Fitch,
94
00:03:27,615 --> 00:03:30,220
I'm gonna need some help
on my farm while I'm gone.
95
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:31,590
Y'all know anything
about animals?
96
00:03:31,690 --> 00:03:34,028
I know about animals
'cause I run a bar,
97
00:03:34,095 --> 00:03:35,063
so... (laughs)
98
00:03:35,197 --> 00:03:37,301
I'm kinda the funny one here.
99
00:03:38,236 --> 00:03:40,474
-(chickens clucking)
-(horse neighs in distance)
100
00:03:40,575 --> 00:03:42,946
All right, so we have, uh,
101
00:03:43,079 --> 00:03:45,450
Barbra and... Liza.
102
00:03:45,518 --> 00:03:48,490
-I'm guessing Phil named them.
-Mm-hmm.
103
00:03:48,557 --> 00:03:51,663
So, Mama says we need
to feed 'em and milk 'em.
104
00:03:51,730 --> 00:03:54,368
All right.
I'll feed 'em, you milk 'em.
105
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:55,938
So, what do you think they eat?
106
00:03:56,005 --> 00:03:59,044
According to the Chick-fil-A
signs, they like chicken.
107
00:03:59,078 --> 00:04:00,213
(chuckles)
108
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,683
Howdy, Liza.
109
00:04:02,484 --> 00:04:04,422
I'm going to need
your verbal consent
110
00:04:04,523 --> 00:04:06,225
before I milk your teats.
111
00:04:06,359 --> 00:04:08,096
(Liza moos)
112
00:04:08,163 --> 00:04:09,866
All right, let's party.
113
00:04:09,933 --> 00:04:11,870
Okay, seriously,
114
00:04:11,970 --> 00:04:12,739
what do cows eat?
115
00:04:12,806 --> 00:04:13,741
-Hay.
-What?
116
00:04:13,808 --> 00:04:14,743
That's what they eat.
117
00:04:14,810 --> 00:04:15,978
-What?
-Hay.
118
00:04:16,045 --> 00:04:17,281
Fine. If you don't want
to tell me,
119
00:04:17,381 --> 00:04:19,719
I'm-a just feed 'em this grass.
120
00:04:20,888 --> 00:04:23,828
Now, I assume this one's
chocolate, this one's vanilla
121
00:04:23,894 --> 00:04:25,464
and this one's strawberry.
122
00:04:25,531 --> 00:04:28,236
Ooh, I hope
the last one is swirl.
123
00:04:28,303 --> 00:04:29,238
Check it out!
124
00:04:29,271 --> 00:04:31,008
Got milk?
125
00:04:31,109 --> 00:04:33,279
(laughs)
126
00:04:35,117 --> 00:04:36,185
Hold on.
127
00:04:36,252 --> 00:04:38,256
Is there something wrong
with your mouth?
128
00:04:38,356 --> 00:04:39,793
There must be,
129
00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:42,064
because I know there's
nothing wrong with this muffin.
130
00:04:42,131 --> 00:04:43,466
Oh, it's good. I'm just full.
131
00:04:43,567 --> 00:04:45,805
This muffin was made
with a mama's love.
132
00:04:45,872 --> 00:04:49,411
You either eat it or I'm-a shove
it into your stomach myself.
133
00:04:49,478 --> 00:04:51,550
And I can go
from top or bottom--
134
00:04:51,650 --> 00:04:52,819
your choice.
135
00:04:53,854 --> 00:04:55,892
I would choose top.
136
00:04:59,398 --> 00:05:00,568
Hey, what are you doing?
137
00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:03,173
You have been sitting here
for two hours
138
00:05:03,273 --> 00:05:05,243
with one damn cup of coffee.
139
00:05:05,310 --> 00:05:06,780
You take your porn elsewhere.
140
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,249
This isn't the library.
141
00:05:08,316 --> 00:05:09,619
Go on! Get!
142
00:05:09,719 --> 00:05:11,088
I'm very sorry.
143
00:05:11,189 --> 00:05:12,424
Uh, Mama,
144
00:05:12,491 --> 00:05:14,863
we try really hard not to yell
at our customers,
145
00:05:14,930 --> 00:05:17,802
especially like the good
Reverend Johnson here.
146
00:05:17,902 --> 00:05:19,205
You have a blessed day.
147
00:05:19,906 --> 00:05:23,479
I am 79 years old, and I got
a damn plate in my head.
148
00:05:23,581 --> 00:05:25,183
I can yell whenever I want.
149
00:05:25,250 --> 00:05:26,720
Well, I think
that's what we're trying...
150
00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:29,526
Whenever I want!
151
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:33,366
Okay. I've never seen
Throw Momma from the Train,
152
00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:35,103
but it does give me an idea.
153
00:05:35,170 --> 00:05:37,609
Look, we just need to get
through the next half hour.
154
00:05:37,709 --> 00:05:40,581
Then she'll go back to the farm
and we'll close the shop,
155
00:05:40,648 --> 00:05:42,519
burn it to the ground,
collect the insurance money,
156
00:05:42,585 --> 00:05:43,821
buy a van, get a big dog
157
00:05:43,921 --> 00:05:45,758
and drive around town
solving mysteries.
158
00:05:45,825 --> 00:05:47,896
Ruh-roh, Randi.
159
00:05:48,531 --> 00:05:49,733
Yeah,
because that's so much better
160
00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:51,469
than telling her
not to come back tomorrow.
161
00:05:51,570 --> 00:05:53,541
Well, what's your plan,
Black Velma?
162
00:05:53,607 --> 00:05:54,910
No, I like your plan.
163
00:05:54,976 --> 00:05:56,980
Girl, I have matches on me.
164
00:05:57,949 --> 00:05:59,051
Oh, yes.
165
00:05:59,118 --> 00:05:59,986
Oh, uh,
166
00:06:00,086 --> 00:06:02,224
Mama, you don't need
to take the trash out.
167
00:06:02,324 --> 00:06:03,459
This isn't trash.
168
00:06:03,561 --> 00:06:05,998
This is my luggage.
169
00:06:06,065 --> 00:06:07,367
L-Luggage?
170
00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:08,504
For what?
171
00:06:08,604 --> 00:06:10,942
I'm here for the duration,
sweetie.
172
00:06:11,008 --> 00:06:13,379
-These go up to your place,
right?
-(Randi laughs)
173
00:06:13,479 --> 00:06:14,683
Sure do, Mama!
174
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,853
Uh, uh, hang on.
You're-you're staying with me?
175
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,561
I guess I-I just assumed you,
like, drove your house here.
176
00:06:20,628 --> 00:06:23,466
I am your fellow hunker-downer.
177
00:06:23,499 --> 00:06:25,136
Now, I don't mind sharing a bed,
178
00:06:25,203 --> 00:06:28,510
but I do sleep naked and my
alarm goes off at first light.
179
00:06:28,577 --> 00:06:30,648
-(rooster crows)
-Whoa!
-Oh.
180
00:06:30,715 --> 00:06:33,654
Settle down, Rufus.
We're city folk now.
181
00:06:33,721 --> 00:06:35,925
♪ ♪
182
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,070
(keys jangling, turning in lock)
183
00:06:45,745 --> 00:06:46,546
Kat?
184
00:06:46,647 --> 00:06:48,216
What are you doing down here?
185
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,251
(Rufus crowing)
186
00:06:49,351 --> 00:06:50,955
What the heck?
187
00:06:51,590 --> 00:06:53,661
(chuckles): Oh.
Oh, you think that's funny, huh?
188
00:06:53,694 --> 00:06:55,631
Well, we'll see who's laughing
when you're on my plate
189
00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:57,902
with mashed potatoes
and a biscuit!
190
00:06:58,871 --> 00:07:02,745
I couldn't sleep. Between Rufus
crowing at 4:00 a. m. and...
191
00:07:02,812 --> 00:07:07,020
trying to ignore Mama's
spicy dream about Ronald Reagan.
192
00:07:07,822 --> 00:07:10,293
Well, if it isn't
the morning meeting
193
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:12,397
of the Dim and Lazy Club.
194
00:07:12,464 --> 00:07:14,869
No wonder
my Phil needed a vacation--
195
00:07:14,970 --> 00:07:17,174
he was doing all the work
around here.
196
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,409
Are you kidding?
197
00:07:18,476 --> 00:07:19,713
Phil takes so many naps,
198
00:07:19,813 --> 00:07:21,717
we thought
this place had a gas leak.
199
00:07:21,783 --> 00:07:23,419
Are you calling my Phil a liar?
200
00:07:23,554 --> 00:07:26,560
Because the last person
that did that is missing an ear.
201
00:07:26,627 --> 00:07:28,429
That was from the war
and is totally unrelated,
202
00:07:28,564 --> 00:07:30,801
but we don't talk to him
no more.
203
00:07:31,737 --> 00:07:33,841
Okay, can we take a moment
to appreciate
204
00:07:33,907 --> 00:07:36,379
that Phil's mama
is actually twice as crazy
205
00:07:36,479 --> 00:07:37,815
as Phil made her out to be?
206
00:07:37,882 --> 00:07:38,717
I know.
207
00:07:38,784 --> 00:07:40,655
I guess he was protecting her.
208
00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:43,661
Like a little pit bull
in a sequined jacket.
209
00:07:43,727 --> 00:07:45,698
MAMA:
Dagnabbit!
210
00:07:45,765 --> 00:07:49,171
Which one of you morons
bought salted butter?!
211
00:07:49,238 --> 00:07:50,407
That was Randi!
212
00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:52,077
Also, she hates Ronald Reagan!
213
00:07:52,177 --> 00:07:53,279
Wha...
214
00:07:53,346 --> 00:07:54,616
Okay, this is ridiculous.
215
00:07:54,716 --> 00:07:55,951
One of us needs to go in there
216
00:07:56,018 --> 00:07:57,522
and tell her
that we don't want her here.
217
00:07:57,588 --> 00:07:59,325
Yes. You're absolutely right.
218
00:07:59,425 --> 00:08:01,797
I'm gonna go upstairs,
I'm gonna get dressed
219
00:08:01,897 --> 00:08:03,701
and then I'm gonna
come down here like a badass
220
00:08:03,767 --> 00:08:05,905
and fire an elderly volunteer.
221
00:08:05,971 --> 00:08:07,842
You're about to go hide
in your bed, aren't you?
222
00:08:07,909 --> 00:08:10,781
Yes, because badasses need naps,
too!
223
00:08:10,848 --> 00:08:12,250
(crowing)
224
00:08:12,351 --> 00:08:13,987
Shut up, Rufus!
225
00:08:14,856 --> 00:08:16,827
-(chickens clucking)
-(horse neighs)
226
00:08:16,893 --> 00:08:19,064
Holy cow!
227
00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:21,803
Sorry if that's offensive
to you, ladies.
228
00:08:22,739 --> 00:08:25,511
Carter, check this out.
229
00:08:27,047 --> 00:08:27,682
Oh, damn.
230
00:08:27,749 --> 00:08:29,853
Is that Phil? He's jacked!
231
00:08:29,953 --> 00:08:33,159
Looks like Freddie Mercury
and Super Mario had a baby.
232
00:08:33,226 --> 00:08:35,598
(chuckles) Hey,
I'm as straight as they come,
233
00:08:35,664 --> 00:08:37,367
but if this dude
bought me a drink,
234
00:08:37,467 --> 00:08:38,637
-I don't know.
-(chuckles)
235
00:08:38,771 --> 00:08:41,475
I mean, he's four-foot-11
and all badass.
236
00:08:41,543 --> 00:08:42,812
Well, I mean, think about it.
237
00:08:42,912 --> 00:08:44,582
Growing up gay, around here,
238
00:08:44,682 --> 00:08:46,285
-he'd have to be.
-Yeah.
239
00:08:46,352 --> 00:08:49,391
This one time, this guy
was picking on him in the bar.
240
00:08:49,458 --> 00:08:50,828
Phil threw rosé in his face,
241
00:08:50,895 --> 00:08:52,097
punched him right
in the belly button
242
00:08:52,197 --> 00:08:53,567
and called him
his Pillsbury Dough Bitch.
243
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,437
(laughs)
I remember that!
244
00:08:55,538 --> 00:08:57,575
Yeah! And then he stood
over him and he said,
245
00:08:57,675 --> 00:08:59,211
"You mess with the bull,
246
00:08:59,278 --> 00:09:00,915
"you get me horny.
247
00:09:01,015 --> 00:09:03,486
-No, wait, that ain't it."
-(laughing)
248
00:09:03,554 --> 00:09:04,889
(mooing)
249
00:09:04,956 --> 00:09:07,427
Settle down, Babs.
Same old story--
250
00:09:07,494 --> 00:09:10,534
the ladies are buying
what Carter is selling.
251
00:09:10,601 --> 00:09:11,636
(mooing)
252
00:09:11,703 --> 00:09:13,372
What's going on, Babs?
253
00:09:13,974 --> 00:09:15,878
-Wow, you didn't eat very much.
-Who can blame her?
254
00:09:15,978 --> 00:09:17,515
Why would anybody want
to eat that...
255
00:09:17,582 --> 00:09:18,617
-Oh, God!
-What?
256
00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:20,086
-What?
-Th-Th-Th...
257
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:22,825
There's something coming out
of this cow!
258
00:09:22,925 --> 00:09:23,894
Oh! Aah!
259
00:09:23,994 --> 00:09:25,230
-I think she's giving birth!
-(scoffs)
260
00:09:25,296 --> 00:09:27,969
Are you sure?! 'Cause if this
is some alien BS,
261
00:09:28,002 --> 00:09:30,808
I'm getting ready
to get the hell up out of here!
262
00:09:33,547 --> 00:09:35,818
Oh, Lurlene, this is delicious.
263
00:09:35,918 --> 00:09:38,757
I don't even have to put
any booze in it.
264
00:09:38,824 --> 00:09:42,164
I mean, I'm going to,
of course, but...
265
00:09:42,865 --> 00:09:44,602
It tastes like cake batter.
266
00:09:44,669 --> 00:09:45,638
What's in it?
267
00:09:45,704 --> 00:09:47,073
Cake batter.
268
00:09:47,140 --> 00:09:50,013
I used to fix that for Phil
to help him grow.
269
00:09:50,113 --> 00:09:54,021
Didn't make him any taller, but
it sure made him love me more.
270
00:09:54,087 --> 00:09:55,724
(chuckles)
Mother wanted me to grow, too,
271
00:09:55,791 --> 00:09:56,827
but instead of cake batter,
272
00:09:56,927 --> 00:09:59,164
she used pointed criticism.
273
00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:01,603
Hey, hey, hey.
You don't ever sass your mama.
274
00:10:01,703 --> 00:10:03,740
Sheila,
you want a hittin' spoon?
275
00:10:03,841 --> 00:10:05,711
I like these metal ones.
Them wooden ones
276
00:10:05,778 --> 00:10:07,548
-can snap on you.
-SHEILA: Oh.
277
00:10:07,648 --> 00:10:09,686
No, thank you, Lurlene. I...
278
00:10:09,752 --> 00:10:12,792
Well, let me feel
the weight on it.
279
00:10:12,859 --> 00:10:14,562
Um...
280
00:10:14,629 --> 00:10:15,798
Uh, Kat,
281
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,635
there's a situation
in the kitchen.
282
00:10:17,702 --> 00:10:18,804
-What's going on?
-Uh, well,
283
00:10:18,871 --> 00:10:21,408
it seems a squirrel
is taking a nap.
284
00:10:21,510 --> 00:10:22,512
In a pan.
285
00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:23,914
In the oven.
286
00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:26,620
And I'm not gonna lie--
it smells pretty good.
287
00:10:26,686 --> 00:10:28,724
Okay, that's it. Uh, Lurlene,
288
00:10:28,790 --> 00:10:30,761
Randi and I have to talk to you
about something.
289
00:10:30,861 --> 00:10:32,230
Well, quit your lollygagging.
290
00:10:32,330 --> 00:10:34,969
I got to get back in the kitchen
and do me a butter stomp.
291
00:10:35,069 --> 00:10:37,374
Reminds me of Phil.
I just love him the best
292
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:41,850
when that butter is squishing up
between them little piggies.
293
00:10:42,618 --> 00:10:44,154
Okay. Um...
294
00:10:44,221 --> 00:10:47,962
Mama, we appreciate
everything you have done...
295
00:10:48,062 --> 00:10:51,670
I'm sorry, are you saying
you step on the butter?
296
00:10:51,736 --> 00:10:53,039
Oh, honey, I told you
297
00:10:53,105 --> 00:10:56,045
there's a little bit of me
in everything I make.
298
00:10:56,111 --> 00:10:56,847
(chuckles weakly)
299
00:10:56,913 --> 00:10:58,517
I thought you meant love,
300
00:10:58,584 --> 00:11:00,253
not DNA.
301
00:11:00,353 --> 00:11:00,921
Uh, listen,
302
00:11:00,988 --> 00:11:03,694
maybe tonight, after work,
303
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:04,963
you should go home
304
00:11:05,029 --> 00:11:06,733
and, um...
305
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:07,702
stay there.
306
00:11:07,802 --> 00:11:09,539
(chuckles):
No.
307
00:11:09,639 --> 00:11:11,242
No?
308
00:11:11,308 --> 00:11:12,712
No.
309
00:11:13,514 --> 00:11:14,448
O-Okay.
310
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:15,951
All right. Good talk.
311
00:11:16,051 --> 00:11:17,254
I'll see you tonight, roomie!
312
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:18,757
This time I'm the big spoon!
313
00:11:18,824 --> 00:11:20,426
(laughs)
It's...
314
00:11:22,532 --> 00:11:23,667
-That was sad.
-(sighs)
315
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,169
You want me to get rid of her?
316
00:11:25,270 --> 00:11:26,606
I thought you liked her.
317
00:11:26,673 --> 00:11:27,875
I do.
318
00:11:27,975 --> 00:11:30,915
I just genuinely enjoy
firing people.
319
00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:32,985
Why do you think
we went through so many nannies?
320
00:11:33,019 --> 00:11:35,223
You said they quit
to get away from me.
321
00:11:35,290 --> 00:11:38,296
Oh. (laughs)
I did say that, didn't I?
322
00:11:39,464 --> 00:11:41,302
Watch and learn.
323
00:11:41,937 --> 00:11:43,540
Okay, Randi, come on.
324
00:11:43,607 --> 00:11:44,842
Randi.
325
00:11:44,943 --> 00:11:47,515
Mm-mm. There is
a crazy old white woman in there
326
00:11:47,582 --> 00:11:48,784
cooking an animal from the park.
327
00:11:48,850 --> 00:11:50,955
Y'all go ahead.
328
00:11:54,428 --> 00:11:56,900
Damn, Sheila, you are good.
329
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,471
I just got off the phone
with Phil.
330
00:11:59,539 --> 00:12:02,410
He and Jalen
are staying in Tahiti.
331
00:12:02,444 --> 00:12:03,412
What?
332
00:12:03,513 --> 00:12:07,722
They're gonna open a bakery
and get boy-married.
333
00:12:07,855 --> 00:12:10,260
Wait, I-I-I can't believe this.
334
00:12:10,326 --> 00:12:12,264
Phil's not coming back?
335
00:12:12,330 --> 00:12:14,434
No.
336
00:12:17,508 --> 00:12:19,646
Also, you're fired.
337
00:12:19,746 --> 00:12:20,881
Mother!
338
00:12:20,915 --> 00:12:23,486
Sorry. I thought
it would cheer me up.
339
00:12:32,738 --> 00:12:35,176
So I guess Phil and Jalen,
340
00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:38,182
they found a bakery for sale
down there in Tahiti and...
341
00:12:38,282 --> 00:12:40,621
they got to talking
about how nice it would be
342
00:12:40,688 --> 00:12:42,057
to stay there forever.
343
00:12:42,157 --> 00:12:46,465
Why can't they just go to Miami
like regular gays?
344
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,737
I just can't imagine
Phil getting married
345
00:12:48,870 --> 00:12:50,273
and us not being there.
346
00:12:50,340 --> 00:12:54,147
I mean, one of us might want
to sing "Islands in the Stream."
347
00:12:54,247 --> 00:12:57,655
I do both parts.
It's a real showstopper.
348
00:12:57,722 --> 00:13:00,794
I just can't believe
he's not coming back.
349
00:13:00,861 --> 00:13:03,065
Damn it,
he borrowed my suitcase.
350
00:13:03,165 --> 00:13:05,336
Well, I guess
the most important thing is
351
00:13:05,436 --> 00:13:08,042
-that Phil's happy
and he's in love.
-Mm-hmm.
352
00:13:08,109 --> 00:13:11,081
All any mother wants
is for her child to be happy.
353
00:13:11,215 --> 00:13:15,524
I mean, for Phil, it was moving
to Tahiti with Jalen.
354
00:13:15,591 --> 00:13:17,327
For Katharine, it's...
355
00:13:17,394 --> 00:13:21,235
what, finding a surprise
Fig Newton in your pocket?
356
00:13:21,302 --> 00:13:25,109
It wasn't a surprise.
I'd been saving it.
357
00:13:25,711 --> 00:13:27,113
Phil saw the whole thing.
358
00:13:27,213 --> 00:13:29,686
"It's a treat
you can fit in your pocket,
359
00:13:29,819 --> 00:13:32,157
just like me."
360
00:13:33,025 --> 00:13:34,862
I'm really gonna miss him.
361
00:13:36,332 --> 00:13:37,467
Me, too.
362
00:13:38,269 --> 00:13:42,077
I want y'all to know
how happy this place made him.
363
00:13:42,143 --> 00:13:45,216
You all accepted him
with no judgment.
364
00:13:45,350 --> 00:13:47,387
Shoot, he talks
about y'all so much,
365
00:13:47,487 --> 00:13:49,659
I feel like you're family.
366
00:13:49,726 --> 00:13:52,163
We feel like you're family, too.
367
00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:54,836
It's like Phil always says--
368
00:13:54,936 --> 00:13:57,307
family ain't who you're born to.
369
00:13:57,374 --> 00:13:59,579
ALL:
It's who'll lie to the cops
for you.
370
00:13:59,645 --> 00:14:01,015
(Randi chuckles)
371
00:14:01,081 --> 00:14:03,352
♪ ♪
372
00:14:03,987 --> 00:14:05,991
Well, do you know
of any other vet in the area
373
00:14:06,058 --> 00:14:07,460
who can get here today?
374
00:14:08,129 --> 00:14:09,599
Okay, well,
do you know if Instacart
375
00:14:09,699 --> 00:14:11,335
can deliver a cow baby?!
376
00:14:12,137 --> 00:14:14,207
-All right. Thanks.
-(loud mooing)
377
00:14:14,274 --> 00:14:16,780
Oh, man,
she does not sound happy.
378
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,650
Though I guess if I was
pooping out a small cow,
379
00:14:18,750 --> 00:14:20,253
I'd be pretty cranky, too.
380
00:14:20,319 --> 00:14:23,760
All right. The doctor said if
it's not coming out on its own,
381
00:14:23,827 --> 00:14:24,996
one of us got to go up in there.
382
00:14:25,063 --> 00:14:26,800
What do you mean,
go up in there?
383
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:27,802
You know.
384
00:14:27,902 --> 00:14:29,104
Go up in there.
385
00:14:29,171 --> 00:14:30,607
Oh, yeah.
386
00:14:30,708 --> 00:14:32,043
He said you should do it.
387
00:14:32,143 --> 00:14:33,312
Why me?!
388
00:14:33,412 --> 00:14:36,051
'Cause he said on the phone
my arms sounded short.
389
00:14:36,151 --> 00:14:37,655
-(mooing)
-You know what, screw it.
390
00:14:37,755 --> 00:14:41,863
All right. You grab on to the
legs and pull and I'm gonna...
391
00:14:41,930 --> 00:14:43,365
go up in there.
392
00:14:43,432 --> 00:14:45,103
-Okay.
-All right.
393
00:14:45,236 --> 00:14:46,740
Okay.
394
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,277
-(groans) Oh.
-Oh. Oh, God.
395
00:14:49,377 --> 00:14:50,914
What do you feel?
396
00:14:50,981 --> 00:14:53,252
Mm, mostly regret.
397
00:14:54,020 --> 00:14:56,091
Oh, wait, no,
I think I felt it move.
398
00:14:56,158 --> 00:14:57,928
Whatever you're doing,
just do it again.
399
00:14:57,995 --> 00:14:59,599
(grunts)
That's what she said.
400
00:14:59,665 --> 00:15:01,268
(laughs)
Good one, dude. (chuckles)
401
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:02,303
Keep pulling.
402
00:15:02,370 --> 00:15:04,141
-We almost got it.
-(grunting) Really?
403
00:15:04,241 --> 00:15:06,078
"We"? 'Cause,
last time I checked,
404
00:15:06,145 --> 00:15:08,482
I'm the only one wearing a cow
like a wristwatch.
405
00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:10,353
(grunting)
406
00:15:10,453 --> 00:15:12,090
-Keep going! We're...
-(strained): Oh, my God.
407
00:15:12,157 --> 00:15:13,994
-Aah! Oh! Oh!
-(laughing): Oh! Oh!
408
00:15:14,060 --> 00:15:16,398
-Oh! (laughing) Oh!
-(laughing) Oh!
409
00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:17,768
Oh! (laughs)
We did it!
410
00:15:17,868 --> 00:15:19,037
(chuckles)
We're parents!
411
00:15:19,171 --> 00:15:20,674
-(laughs)
-Look at him!
412
00:15:20,707 --> 00:15:22,878
-Oh, he's beautiful!
-(chuckling)
413
00:15:22,945 --> 00:15:24,347
-Oh. Oh, come here...
-(grunts)
414
00:15:24,414 --> 00:15:26,653
-Oh! Oh! He can walk!
-Oh! Oh!
415
00:15:26,719 --> 00:15:30,159
-(laughs) Hey, quick, we didn't
get video of his first steps.
-(chuckles)
416
00:15:30,226 --> 00:15:31,796
Get your camera.
I'll knock him down.
417
00:15:31,863 --> 00:15:33,032
(laughs)
418
00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:34,669
What should we name him?
419
00:15:34,769 --> 00:15:36,973
Maybe we should combine
our names.
420
00:15:37,073 --> 00:15:39,044
-Car-Max.
-(chuckles)
421
00:15:39,111 --> 00:15:40,346
No, no, look at him.
422
00:15:40,446 --> 00:15:43,085
He's small, fuzzy,
and getting kind of fresh.
423
00:15:43,185 --> 00:15:44,822
-He's Lil' Phil.
-(chuckles)
424
00:15:44,922 --> 00:15:46,091
Or Big Phil.
425
00:15:46,191 --> 00:15:48,229
Oh. No, that's just
his umbilical cord.
426
00:15:48,295 --> 00:15:49,498
(chuckles)
427
00:15:55,944 --> 00:15:57,113
I'm glad we went to the wedding,
428
00:15:57,180 --> 00:15:59,417
but 17 hours on a plane
was brutal.
429
00:15:59,484 --> 00:16:01,421
At least you weren't sitting
next to a crying baby
430
00:16:01,488 --> 00:16:02,725
the whole time.
431
00:16:02,825 --> 00:16:03,994
I couldn't help it.
432
00:16:04,094 --> 00:16:05,764
It was such a beautiful wedding.
433
00:16:05,864 --> 00:16:08,235
I just love love.
434
00:16:08,904 --> 00:16:10,173
All right, everyone.
435
00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:12,343
Wedding slideshow is done.
436
00:16:12,410 --> 00:16:13,580
Gather round.
437
00:16:17,253 --> 00:16:19,725
KAT (on recording):
Phil, Jalen,
438
00:16:19,859 --> 00:16:20,894
looking at you,
439
00:16:20,994 --> 00:16:22,130
I see two hearts,
440
00:16:22,230 --> 00:16:24,569
two souls, two...
441
00:16:24,635 --> 00:16:26,739
islands in the stream.
442
00:16:26,806 --> 00:16:29,612
-And audio muted.
-(Randi chuckles)
443
00:16:30,413 --> 00:16:31,448
Look at my Phil.
444
00:16:31,516 --> 00:16:33,987
Yeah, he and Jalen
just look so happy.
445
00:16:34,054 --> 00:16:35,624
Aw, it's their first dance.
446
00:16:35,691 --> 00:16:36,960
Yeah, I was really surprised
447
00:16:37,026 --> 00:16:38,597
when they did that lift
from Dirty Dancing.
448
00:16:38,663 --> 00:16:41,401
-I had the time of my life.
-(chuckles)
449
00:16:42,972 --> 00:16:45,443
Aw, Tahiti's so beautiful.
450
00:16:45,476 --> 00:16:47,882
I can understand why
they don't want to come home.
451
00:16:47,948 --> 00:16:49,384
Yeah, me, too.
452
00:16:49,451 --> 00:16:51,188
-Damn,
I'm really gonna miss him.
-(Sheila sighs)
453
00:16:51,288 --> 00:16:53,225
Like every time I sit in a chair
454
00:16:53,325 --> 00:16:55,296
and his hand
isn't "accidentally" there.
455
00:16:55,396 --> 00:16:57,033
(chuckles)
456
00:16:58,302 --> 00:17:00,507
This place won't be the same
without him.
457
00:17:00,607 --> 00:17:04,582
Kentucky won't be the same
without him.
458
00:17:06,385 --> 00:17:09,124
Nothing's gonna be the same
without him.
459
00:17:39,552 --> 00:17:41,789
What we've done here
460
00:17:41,889 --> 00:17:44,662
is we've given Phil
a happy ending.
461
00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:48,369
What we're really doing
462
00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,707
is mourning the loss
of our dear friend,
463
00:17:50,807 --> 00:17:52,511
Leslie Jordan.
464
00:17:53,279 --> 00:17:56,051
He is irreplaceable.
465
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:58,422
We will miss him very much.
466
00:17:59,692 --> 00:18:00,928
Love.
467
00:18:00,994 --> 00:18:02,932
Light.
468
00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:05,169
ALL:
Leslie.
469
00:18:12,918 --> 00:18:15,156
♪ Dear friend, there'll be ♪
470
00:18:15,222 --> 00:18:18,162
♪ No sad farewell ♪
471
00:18:18,262 --> 00:18:23,138
♪ There'll be
no tear-dimmed eyes ♪
472
00:18:23,205 --> 00:18:25,711
♪ Where all is peace ♪
473
00:18:25,844 --> 00:18:28,550
♪ And joy and love ♪
474
00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:33,860
♪ And the soul of man
never dies. ♪
475
00:18:33,927 --> 00:18:35,229
Now, that's some lines
476
00:18:35,296 --> 00:18:37,768
from the song
that you and I did together.
477
00:18:37,868 --> 00:18:39,505
I know usually, at a memorial,
478
00:18:39,572 --> 00:18:41,743
people talk about somebody.
479
00:18:41,809 --> 00:18:43,479
Well, I'm gonna talk to you.
480
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:45,817
'Cause there is that place
on the other side,
481
00:18:45,884 --> 00:18:49,124
and I'm certainly gonna see you
there, little brother.
482
00:18:49,224 --> 00:18:51,328
You left a lot of people here
483
00:18:51,395 --> 00:18:53,633
with a lot of precious,
precious memories.
484
00:18:53,667 --> 00:18:54,902
Everybody loved you.
485
00:18:55,002 --> 00:18:58,208
But I doubt that many of 'em
loved you more than I did.
486
00:18:58,309 --> 00:19:00,313
Anyhow, I just want you to know
487
00:19:00,413 --> 00:19:02,150
that we all love you,
488
00:19:02,216 --> 00:19:03,553
we all miss you
489
00:19:03,687 --> 00:19:05,524
and I bet
you're having a big laugh
490
00:19:05,590 --> 00:19:08,195
over all of us being sad
and sorrowful
491
00:19:08,295 --> 00:19:10,901
and I know
that would be the last thing
492
00:19:10,967 --> 00:19:11,936
you would want us to be.
493
00:19:12,070 --> 00:19:15,409
So, anyway, you made us happy
while you were here,
494
00:19:15,510 --> 00:19:17,614
and we're happy
that you're at peace.
495
00:19:17,681 --> 00:19:19,518
And I just want you to know
that...
496
00:19:19,618 --> 00:19:23,960
♪ I will always love you. ♪
497
00:19:24,060 --> 00:19:25,864
Goodbye, my sweet Leslie.
498
00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:28,536
-See you over there.
-("Where the Soul Never Dies"
playing)
499
00:19:28,636 --> 00:19:30,674
(Dolly vocalizing)
500
00:19:30,741 --> 00:19:33,613
LESLIE JORDAN:
♪ To Canaan's land ♪
501
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:36,218
♪ I'm on my way ♪
502
00:19:36,318 --> 00:19:38,656
♪ Where the soul of man ♪
503
00:19:38,723 --> 00:19:41,094
♪ Never dies ♪
504
00:19:41,161 --> 00:19:43,767
♪ My darkest night ♪
505
00:19:43,833 --> 00:19:46,338
♪ Will turn to day ♪
506
00:19:46,405 --> 00:19:49,110
♪ Where the soul ♪
507
00:19:49,210 --> 00:19:50,847
♪ It never dies ♪
508
00:19:50,914 --> 00:19:56,224
DOLLY and LESLIE:
♪ No sad farewells ♪
509
00:19:56,291 --> 00:20:01,435
♪ No tear-dimmed eyes ♪
510
00:20:01,536 --> 00:20:06,546
♪ Where all is love ♪
511
00:20:06,646 --> 00:20:10,821
♪ And the soul never dies ♪
512
00:20:10,921 --> 00:20:12,591
LESLIE:
It never does.
513
00:20:12,658 --> 00:20:16,031
♪ Dear friends,
there'll be no sad farewell ♪
514
00:20:16,098 --> 00:20:19,939
-♪ There'll be
no tear-dimmed eyes ♪
-♪ There will be ♪
515
00:20:20,039 --> 00:20:21,509
♪ No tear-dimmed eyes ♪
516
00:20:21,576 --> 00:20:24,414
♪ Where all is peace ♪
517
00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:26,786
♪ And joy and love ♪
518
00:20:26,853 --> 00:20:32,163
♪ And the soul of man
never dies ♪
519
00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:34,602
♪ ♪
520
00:20:35,369 --> 00:20:37,073
LESLIE:
Y'all sing with us.
521
00:20:37,140 --> 00:20:39,612
-♪ No sad ♪
-♪ There will be ♪
522
00:20:39,678 --> 00:20:41,783
-♪ Farewells ♪
-♪ No sad farewell ♪
523
00:20:41,883 --> 00:20:46,726
-♪ No tear-dimmed eyes ♪
-♪ There will be
no tear-dimmed eyes ♪
524
00:20:46,793 --> 00:20:49,431
-♪ Where all ♪
-♪ All is peace ♪
525
00:20:49,497 --> 00:20:51,702
-♪ Is love! ♪
-♪ And joy and love ♪
526
00:20:51,803 --> 00:20:56,344
♪ And the soul of man
never dies ♪
527
00:20:56,445 --> 00:21:00,186
♪ And the soul of man ♪
528
00:21:00,286 --> 00:21:01,889
♪ Never dies ♪
529
00:21:01,956 --> 00:21:07,400
♪ Never dies. ♪
530
00:21:11,007 --> 00:21:13,245
♪ ♪
531
00:21:42,671 --> 00:21:44,207
Captioning sponsored by
WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
532
00:21:44,274 --> 00:21:47,046
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
35482
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