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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:24,720 Mum gets night terrors when she sleeps during the day. 2 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:27,200 But, like, she's literally, 3 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:30,240 like, that close to falling off her bed as well. 4 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,040 But apparently you can't wake them up 5 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:33,600 when they're having night terrors, 6 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:35,360 because they can have a heart attack - 7 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:38,200 or even worse, they could foul themselves. 8 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,080 Shit! 9 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,440 - It's all right. 10 00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:44,640 She's still asleep. 11 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:51,160 Hello. Hi. 12 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:55,440 Er, yeah, I need the timetable for the 51 bus, please. 13 00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:59,160 - Yup. 14 00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:00,320 51... 15 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,720 So, tomorrow I'm going to TK Maxx in Swindon, 16 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,280 and I have to go tomorrow cos it's the first Saturday of the month, 17 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:08,160 and that's when all the new stock is released. 18 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:11,600 And if I leave it any later, it'll just be the dregs left. 19 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:15,320 But getting there is an absolute nightmare. 20 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,480 Right. Right. 21 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:18,800 Down. 22 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,720 Fuck me, it's like Crystal Maze! 23 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,440 Cos these places can't afford to pay people, they get 24 00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:25,800 any old fuck-up to come in and volunteer, 25 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,040 and no-one can have a go at them for fucking it up 26 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:29,760 because they're fucking it up for free. 27 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:32,560 That's... that's... 28 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,240 ...opening times at Birdland. 29 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,720 You should know that, cos there are two penguins on the front. 30 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:37,960 Yeah. 31 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:41,040 Um, is there anyone here who works for money, that I could...? 32 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,720 - Only me, I'm afraid. - Right. 33 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:45,400 - Ooh, Len! 34 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:47,440 Len, you don't know about the bus, do you? 35 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:49,000 - It's fine... What bus? 36 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:50,760 - It's fine. - The 51. 37 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,320 Don't... Honestly, don't get him involved, 38 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:53,440 - it's fine... 39 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,280 - Good luck with that, mate. - Well done. 40 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,440 - No-one ever catches the 51. - Yeah, OK. 41 00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:58,640 You can't get it. 42 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:02,560 Yes, I think there is a strain on local services in the village. 43 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,800 There's certainly a lack of funding. 44 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:06,440 You could be waiting for hours to get the 51... 45 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:07,920 - OK. - ...and it won't come. 46 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,120 - Thanks for nothing. All right, bye. 47 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:13,000 And as a village, we have had to rely on volunteers, 48 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:17,120 who, may I add, are all absolutely fantastic. 49 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:20,760 Fuck's sake! 50 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,640 All right, I've got football training this morning. 51 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,960 Basically, every Saturday for the last few weeks, 52 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,400 the vicar's started footy practice at the park. 53 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:30,280 And he's letting me help him run it. 54 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:34,080 Fuck! Where's my England shirt? 55 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:38,720 Mum! Mum! 56 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:41,320 Where's me England shirt? 57 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,440 Me England shirt. I can't find it. 58 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,800 Shut up! I haven't. 59 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,680 I haven't done that. 60 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,040 Just... don't listen. 61 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,160 Just... 62 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,560 ...stupid. 63 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,200 I don't fancy Cain Dingle. 64 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,920 I just respect him, because he's the only one in his family 65 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,680 that's got his head screwed on. 66 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:25,040 Aah. 67 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,880 We, er, did have a few sports clubs in the village, 68 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:31,320 but sadly the funding stopped and the clubs ended, 69 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,920 so, er, I've tried to get things going again 70 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,240 by helping organise some football training. 71 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,560 I know how important it is to get young people active. 72 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:43,400 Kerry, if you don't mind distributing those, that would be great. 73 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,760 Just to remind you, remember the instep, trap, pass. 74 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,680 Trap, pass. 75 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:51,560 Although I don't consider myself much of a sportsman these days, 76 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:56,560 I was quite a handy goal attack in my university netball team. 77 00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:01,800 I, um, I-I had the nickname Fiery Francis, 78 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,360 because I had a bit of a temper on court. 79 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,720 Thankfully, I don't have to get a bus to go to Swindon now 80 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,080 to go to TK Maxx. 81 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,280 Vicar said he'll drop me off after football practice. 82 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,960 To be honest, I don't know why anyone bothers 83 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:23,000 going to that football practice. It's a freak show. 84 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,640 Hello? 85 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,080 What's happened? 86 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:31,120 Typical. 87 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,480 Absolutely typical. Yeah, all right. 88 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:34,840 I'm coming now. 89 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,680 Something's happened with Kerry at football, so... 90 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:40,960 ...I'd better go. 91 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,400 What happened? 92 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:51,760 Pork Chop absolutely KO'd me. 93 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,080 No, she slipped awkwardly on the grass. 94 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:55,760 She's... she's in agony, I'm taking her to A&E... 95 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,200 Pork Chop basically slide-tackled me for absolutely no reason. 96 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:00,160 Now I actually can't feel my leg. 97 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,360 Well, we'll just drop her off first, then, shall we? 98 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:03,520 And then go to TK Maxx. 99 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,800 I can't even think about that right now, Kurtan. 100 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,800 I'm just getting the car, just stay there. All right? 101 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,720 - No. 102 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:10,920 What happened? 103 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,600 It was Pork Chop. 104 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,200 And Slugs. 105 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,280 But he slide-tackled me... 106 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,160 ...out of spite, because I was scoring too many goals. 107 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,360 I'm going to go into shock, Kurtan. 108 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,360 I'm in so much pain! 109 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:29,120 Kerry has a very low pain threshold, 110 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,680 but a very high emotional pain threshold. 111 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,640 Like, I've been with her when she's knocked on her dad's door 112 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:39,040 and you can hear him inside going, "Shit! It's Kerry! Hide!" 113 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:42,240 and literally nothing from her, not even a tear. 114 00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:46,080 But Kerry physically can't deal with pain. 115 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:48,640 OK. 116 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,000 I really don't think we've got to go to A&E, though. 117 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,680 - Look, we do, Kurtan, actually. - I really don't think she needs... 118 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,600 Kurtan, I'm going to need your help, all right? 119 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,840 One, two, three, and lift! 120 00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,440 Vicar! 121 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,000 Your finger's going up my arsehole, mate. 122 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:02,200 Sorry, sorry. 123 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:03,360 Swivel round... and just 124 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,520 - put your bottom in first. - OK, OK. 125 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,560 I'll hold the back of your head, so you don't bash yourself. 126 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,960 There we go, you're in. Well done, Kerry. Well done. 127 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,440 Well done, Kerry. 128 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,720 - I have to go to TK Maxx today. - Look, Kurtan, not now. 129 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,280 I can't go tomorrow, can't go next day. 130 00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,280 You did say, though, didn't you? 131 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,560 - That I could go to TK Maxx today... - Kurtan, not now. 132 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,520 All right? Can you just get in the back, please? 133 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:24,640 Please, come on. 134 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,080 Vicar! 135 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,680 Vicar! 136 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,080 Vicar, oi! 137 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,360 - You can't be driving on here. 138 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,160 Yes, I know, but actually, if you can see... 139 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,560 - You can't be driving on here, Vicar. - I'm aware of that, Len, 140 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,840 - but it's an emergency. - Well, emergency or no emergency, 141 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,200 old Graham's not going to be happy when he sees tarmac... 142 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,800 For goodness' sake, Len, just move on! 143 00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:56,840 Excuse me. Mind yourself. 144 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:03,400 I can't believe you shouted at Len! 145 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,080 - Yes, well... - That was brutal! 146 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,000 He looked like he was going to cry. 147 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:18,920 OK, take it slowly, Kerry. You're doing really well. 148 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,920 There we are. 149 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,040 Hello there. OK, just... 150 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:24,760 ...just a few more. 151 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,760 Hello, somebody been in the wars? 152 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,240 Yeah, me. 153 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,320 OK, can I take your name, love? 154 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:32,120 Kerry Mucklowe. 155 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,080 Kerry... And how are we spelling that? 156 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,000 M-U-C-K-L-O-W-E. 157 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,120 OK. And what's the symptoms, what's the matter? 158 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,960 Um, I basically smashed my leg to smithereens. 159 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,320 Well, maybe, we don't know yet. 160 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:48,600 I can't feel it. It's just from about there to about there. 161 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:50,200 And it's completely swollen as well. 162 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:51,800 It might be a fracture, but we don't... 163 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:54,440 All right. If you want to go and take a seat in the waiting room, love, 164 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:56,520 we'll get someone to come and see you as soon as we can. 165 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,640 - OK, thank you. - Wonderful. Thank you so much. 166 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,920 Now, take it slowly, Kerry. That's it. There we go. 167 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,960 - Yeah... 168 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,080 ...how soon do you think that will be? 169 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:09,600 What, till she's seen? Well, we'll go as quick as we can, 170 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:12,480 so it will depend how many people are in there and, you know, 171 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,960 we will put the urgent cases... They'll take priority. 172 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,480 Sort of roughly...? 173 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:17,800 As soon as we can, my love, 174 00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:20,160 - All right, yep. 175 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,800 Yeah, nice... 176 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:37,680 Gareth Williams, please? 177 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:39,360 Thank you. 178 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,080 So, um... 179 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:52,360 Why? 180 00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:58,680 What does that mean? 181 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,000 So will you get in trouble? 182 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,440 But it did happen at football training. 183 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:25,800 So you want me to lie? 184 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,520 What do you think God will think about that? 185 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,160 - No, he won't. He won't. - Kerry, please... 186 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,000 Fine. 187 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:59,240 But when I lie in future, I don't want a massive lecture 188 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:02,880 on how bad lying is, cos deep down, you're the worst of us all, mate. 189 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,000 - Fine, fine. 190 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:07,040 Right, I've got to check on the parking. OK. Sorry. 191 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,840 - Stay there, it's all right. 192 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,240 Just one thing. 193 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:12,640 Just so you know - the clock is ticking 194 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:16,560 and the best bargains are probably being snapped up as we speak. 195 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,120 TK Maxx. 196 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,560 Kurtan, I'm really sorry, I... 197 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:21,400 I can't think about that right now. 198 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,520 We've got to just concentrate on Kerry. 199 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:24,680 We've got to look after her, 200 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,240 - we've got to stay with her... - I know. 201 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:28,440 I asked you about going to TK Maxx before she got... 202 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:30,360 I've got to do the parking meter, all right? 203 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,040 Can we... Can we just have this conversation a bit later? 204 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:34,560 Will you look after Kerry? 205 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,280 See if she needs a drink or something. 206 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,120 Right? Sorry... 207 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:39,680 I'd quite like a Coke. 208 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,400 If that's all right. 209 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:47,840 I do enjoy spending time with Kerry and Kurtan, 210 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:52,040 although sometimes they do act a little bit younger than their years, 211 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,360 and that can be... challenging. 212 00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:04,240 - Levi. 213 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:09,920 All right, Levi? 214 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,560 You'll never guess where I am. 215 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,520 Hospital, yeah. 216 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,320 Basically smashed my leg to fuck. 217 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:18,400 No, I'm just waiting for an X-ray, 218 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:21,120 but fuck knows what the doctors are going to be able to do. 219 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:22,760 Yeah. 220 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,760 It's going to be like gluing a breadstick back together, because... 221 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:29,200 Like, as if a breadstick's been in a blender and it's all... 222 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,040 ...the pieces smashed up. 223 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:32,680 Yeah. 224 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,120 Yeah, spread the word, won't you, yeah? 225 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,680 All right, cheers, mate. See you. 226 00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:53,760 All right, Fries? 227 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,880 You'll never guess where I am. 228 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,640 Hospital, yeah. 229 00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,440 Yeah, I basically just smashed my leg to fuck. 230 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:03,520 Yeah, well, I'm just waiting for an X-ray, 231 00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,960 but fuck knows what the doctors are going to be able to do about it. 232 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:08,080 Yeah. 233 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:09,960 It's going to be like gluing back a breadstick 234 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,040 after it's been in a blender, innit? 235 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,960 Yeah. 236 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,840 All right, will you spread the word for me, yeah? 237 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:18,640 All right, cheers, mate. 238 00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:20,440 Yeah, see you. Bye. 239 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:29,720 The trouble with my lifestyle is, I pick up a lot of injuries. 240 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,640 But I use that to my advantage. 241 00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:34,960 Like, this one time I started a fight club in the village hall, 242 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:38,240 and I got a black eye from beating myself up. 243 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:39,840 But it made my enemies think, 244 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:43,520 "Fuck, if she can do that to herself, what the fuck can she do to me?" 245 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:49,720 It's an absolute nightmare - there's literally no parking spaces. 246 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,400 I've been driving around for the last 20 minutes, 247 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:54,360 had to leave it in a disabled parking bay. Um... 248 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,680 Have you, er, have you been seen yet? 249 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,120 - No. 250 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,000 Chill out, I'm not going to rat you out 251 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:04,000 - for not having any insurance! - Sh, sh, sh, sh! 252 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:06,960 Right, right, OK, I'm going to move the car. Back in a sec. 253 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,400 His arsehole's like that. 254 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:13,920 Yeah, it is. 255 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,320 All right, Big Job? 256 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,360 Yeah, you'll never guess where I am. 257 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,320 - Hospital. 258 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:34,000 You heard? 259 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,480 Yeah, I just absolutely smashed my leg to fuck... 260 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:40,640 - Fuck off! - Well, I don't know, I think I've... 261 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:44,240 I'm absolutely 1,000% sure I've broken it in two places, 262 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,440 but we'll just have to see what the X-ray results come back as. 263 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:49,800 Yeah. 264 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,160 Well, I was just saying, it's like, 265 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,880 you know, gluing a breadstick back together 266 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,600 after it's been in a blender. 267 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,080 All right, well, you spread the word for me, yeah? 268 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:00,160 All right, cheers, mate. 269 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,760 - God. 270 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,280 The vicar. 271 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,000 - He has lost his head. 272 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:08,280 Why? 273 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,680 You have to see this. He's having a go at a traffic warden. Fuck me! 274 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,080 - He's having a breakdown. 275 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,520 I knew this day would come. He has genuinely lost it. 276 00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:19,720 He has lost his mind! 277 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:21,720 - I'll tell you what that is. 278 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,840 - Horn rage. 279 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,360 If a bloke doesn't get rid of his dirty water on a regular basis, 280 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,560 you get horn rage. Me and Kirk used to get it. 281 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:32,080 We used to smash car wing mirrors on the way home 282 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:34,200 after a night on the lash if we hadn't pulled. 283 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:38,360 It's worse for the vicar as well, because he's got massive nuts. 284 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:43,520 The vicar, right, he will have you believe he is all sweetness and light. 285 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,840 But in reality, he can really lose his shit. 286 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,320 Yeah, like this one time, he drove me and Kurtan 287 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,920 to Burford Wildlife Park, and Kurtan just looked in the vicar's ear 288 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,040 - and went, "Urgh, wax cave." - Yeah. It was. 289 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:58,640 And the vicar was so furious, he literally picked up a road atlas 290 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:00,760 and thwacked Kurtan with it. 291 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,560 And Kurtan phoned the police. 292 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,600 It was assault. 293 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,480 Are you joking me? 294 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:25,600 Don't whack it. 295 00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,120 Fuck, it's just taken my money. 296 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,440 Fuck's sake! 297 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,440 I shouldn't even be here. 298 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,320 I should be in TK Maxx, getting the bargains that I deserve. 299 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:37,400 Why are you so obsessed with TK Maxx anyway? 300 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,240 Cos, unlike you, Kerry, I'm not a fashion disaster. 301 00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:42,000 I'm not a fashion disaster. 302 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,640 - You are! - Am not. 303 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:46,680 Everyone thinks you are. You know, would it kill you 304 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,920 for one World Cup to buy an official England shirt? 305 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,800 This is an official England shirt. 306 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:53,040 No! No. 307 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,720 Kerry, how many lions are on your shirt? 308 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,400 - Four. - Yeah. 309 00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,840 And what's the famous song called, about having lions on your shirt? 310 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:03,240 - Three Lions On A Shirt. - Thank you. 311 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:08,080 Kerry ain't into fashion, and you can tell. 312 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:11,360 You know, a lot of effort goes into the way I look. 313 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:15,120 She looks an explosion in an unofficial merchandise factory. 314 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:23,360 Right, if you want to 315 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:24,800 - wait for a minute... - Shit. 316 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:26,800 - Fuck, it's my ex. 317 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,880 Fuck. Did she see me? 318 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,160 I don't know. I don't think she did, no. 319 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,520 She's going to want to get back with me as well. 320 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,880 That is so embarrassing. 321 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:39,000 Fuck. 322 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,520 - That's her... 323 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,120 - That's her boyfriend. - No! 324 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,360 That is. He just kissed her. 325 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:52,040 - He did! - I cannot believe that. 326 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,680 - Can't believe that. 327 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:55,040 It's... 328 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:58,280 I'm still warm in my grave, and she's sucking off the pallbearer. 329 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,480 You didn't want to get back with her anyway, did you? 330 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,000 No, I didn't want to get back with her, but that's not the point. 331 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,400 The point is, she's moved on so fast. 332 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:07,240 It's only been five weeks. 333 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:09,720 You know, it took me ten years to get over Kirsty Taylor, 334 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:11,720 and I only went out with her for half a day. 335 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:14,720 The problem with Kurtan and Kirsty Taylor was, 336 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,200 it was a case of right person, wrong time. 337 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:21,760 Kurtan was ready to settle down and give her all of his heart, 338 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,720 but Kirsty was right in the middle of her SATs, 339 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,840 and she had her cycling proficiency coming up. 340 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,760 So her head was all over the shop. 341 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,880 - I cannot believe that. 342 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,520 Soph and her new boyfriend became friends on Facebook 343 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,000 when I was still going out with her. 344 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:47,680 That is... 345 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,400 That tells you everything, doesn't it? 346 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:54,720 The guy was trying to worm his way in from then. 347 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,280 - Shit. - What a... 348 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:57,640 Pfft. 349 00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,240 What a snake in the grass. 350 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:00,640 That is f... 351 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:04,320 I swear to God, if I see him here again, 352 00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:07,400 I swear to God, I will have no hesitation in just going up to him 353 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,400 and just planting one on his face. 354 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,000 I will, honestly. 355 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:12,480 - I will tear his head off. - Yeah. 356 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,480 Don't even care. Don't care at all! 357 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,080 Excuse me. 358 00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:17,480 What? 359 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,280 Could you keep it down, please? 360 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:22,360 - No. 361 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,920 Right, then keep your nose out of my business, yeah? 362 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,560 Nosy old cock-womble. 363 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:33,080 She's absolutely livid. 364 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,640 - Yes. - Hi, Kerry. 365 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,440 We're going to take you down for an X-ray now. 366 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,400 - OK. - All right, take your time. 367 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:41,640 OK. 368 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:44,040 I'll give you a hand. Up you come. 369 00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:47,240 Quick as you can, Kerry. Be quick. 370 00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,080 Take your time. 371 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,600 Oi, Kurtan. 372 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:55,800 All right, Mand? 373 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:57,120 You been rude to my mum? 374 00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,080 The problem with living in a village like this 375 00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:02,000 is that you're always bumping into the local nutjobs. 376 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,240 No-one knows where they stand with Mandy, 377 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:05,800 because she's so unpredictable. 378 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,120 - No. 379 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,760 - No. 380 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,120 So you have been rude to my mum? 381 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,200 Ye... No. I've... 382 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,120 Is this...? Is this about keeping it down? 383 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:18,720 Yeah, she's crying her eyes out out there. 384 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:20,560 So I ain't leaving here 385 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:25,640 until you tell me word by word what you just said to my mum. 386 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,680 - I was just chatting. 387 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,200 Quietly. 388 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,200 She said you was chatting loudly. 389 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,400 Well, could have been, I suppose. 390 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,040 OK, well, which one was it, then? Quietly, or loudly? 391 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:40,840 - Loudly. - Go on. 392 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,800 And then I... 393 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:47,000 I just said, "Sorry, do you work here?" 394 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:49,640 Because I thought maybe she might have been one of the nurses. 395 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:51,960 - She... 396 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,120 She didn't really say anything, she just walked off. 397 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:55,880 And that was that, really. And it's... 398 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,120 I think you might be missing something. 399 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:03,600 Er... 400 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:05,480 Don't think... No, don't think so. 401 00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:06,680 - That was it, yeah. 402 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,920 Yeah. No, I think you might have said something else. 403 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,360 Tschhh... 404 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:14,960 Well, I... 405 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,960 I can't really remember what I said now. 406 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,680 So you did say something else? 407 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:22,840 Yeah. 408 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:26,920 What did you say, Kurtan? 409 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,640 And I want it word by word. 410 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:40,320 I called her... 411 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:41,600 Yeah? 412 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,520 - ...a nosy... 413 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:49,800 - ...old... 414 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,000 - ...cock... 415 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:55,680 ...womble. 416 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,360 Here, I'm just messing with you! 417 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,760 I'm just joking! 418 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,360 That's not really my mum! 419 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,880 What did you... 420 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,560 No! I just heard that nosy old cock-womble 421 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,680 complaining about you at reception and I thought it was funny, 422 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,520 I thought, "I know what I'll do - I'll go in there and wind him up, 423 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,320 "and have a laugh with him!" 424 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,640 Mandy's attitude to me is puzzling. 425 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,600 If I walk past her in the street and say hi, 426 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,160 she'll tell me to fuck off. 427 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:38,880 Yet every year, she sends me a really sweet, nice Christmas card. 428 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:41,440 You know, there's just no consistency there. 429 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:42,880 How's Kerry, then 430 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,080 She's fine, yeah, she just hurt her leg. 431 00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:46,840 - She's just having an X-ray done. - Bless her. 432 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,560 Well, listen, you take care and send her my love, yeah? 433 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:03,960 Thank you. 434 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,120 God. No. 435 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,640 Kerry, Kerry, I'm so, so sorry. 436 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:24,760 - The X-ray came back. - No, it's broken. 437 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,920 No, no, it's not broken. She's going to be fine. 438 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,240 - No. 439 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,120 It's very badly bruised. 440 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:33,000 And I asked if I could have a cast or if I could have crutches, 441 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:34,320 and they said no. 442 00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:37,160 Thank the Lord! It's not broken! 443 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:40,560 It's not broken. Thank you so much, thank you. 444 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:42,400 - No problem. 445 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:44,400 Just a bit of elevation, lots of rest. 446 00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,160 - Yes, you said. - Thank you. 447 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,040 - So she'll be good. - Wonderful. Let's get you home. 448 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,320 Take care. Bye-bye, Kerry. 449 00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:50,960 - Thank you. Bye! - Bye! 450 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,480 Badly bruised. I could have told you that six hours ago. 451 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:55,360 I know. It's good to get it checked, though. 452 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:56,600 Absolute waste of a day! 453 00:22:58,920 --> 00:22:59,920 All right? 454 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:00,960 - Hi. 455 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:12,360 He's good-looking up close, isn't he? 456 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:14,440 Shut up! 457 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:29,920 What? 458 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:31,480 What?! 459 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:43,920 Yeah, I told you I wasn't lying. 460 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:45,560 It's the sodium in it. 461 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:53,160 Golden Dragon! 462 00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:59,400 Worst thing the vicar could ever have done is told me he ain't got any insurance. 463 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:01,120 I've got him right here. 464 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:04,560 Made him get me that. 465 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:09,760 And tomorrow, he's taking me and Kurtan to Wookey Hole. 466 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:12,800 And he's giving us 5 quid each to spunk on the fruit machines 467 00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:14,880 at the service station on the way down there. 468 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,800 Don't show me any weakness, because I will take advantage. 469 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:25,680 It's what I do. 470 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:45,920 Got what you wanted, did you? 471 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,760 Now you've made me look like a prat. 472 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,520 I think it really suits you. 473 00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:01,040 The devil doesn't come in a cloak and pointy horns. 474 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:03,640 He wears knitwear and drives a Golf. 35040

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