Original subtitles

We can leave our shit here, right?

Yeah, we're coming back tomorrow.

Directions to my place.

I don't need them. I printed them out.

- You take the Harrison- - I'm cool.

Hey, J.D., you can park your motorcycle

right in front of my car.

There's a little space right there.

My bike's in the shop.

I think I'm gonna take a pass on tonight.

Why?

I've got things to do.

Your "things" can wait.

You committed.

Bitch.

Game player... wants us to beg.

I'll beg.

J.D., you can ride with me.

Sorry.

Columns, naked statues, and not one fucking window.

Kris?

I'm in the bathroom!

How are they?

I've smelled better.

What is that?

A hit of E.

One hit of E.

I'm just gonna go put some clothes on.

Okay.

Didn't your mother teach you how to share?

She was a selfish bitch.

Hey.

Do you want a nice evening?

Or a 'let's see how far we can go' evening?

Unless it ends in sex, it's all bullshit right?

Then I suggest you cut that up into four pieces.

Cut what into four pieces?

That hit of X he was about to do himself.

- Fork it over, baby. - Fork it over, baby.

Open your mouth.

Put out your tongue.

Say ah!

Ah.

Who gets Rafe's quarter?

Pick me, pick me.

It's my fucking E.

Wait.

Why shouldn't we give it to Rafe?

He's detoxing or something.

Why, is he sick?

You're retarded, man.

What?

Some guys just like to be healthy.

Sounds fucking boring to me.

Could you leave so I can dress?

Sure you don't need any help?

Get out!

Something for my little friend the fag.

Totally forgot about food,

so if you're hungry we're gonna have to order in.

This is fine for me now, thanks.

I borrowed a T if you don't mind.

I don't mind.

Might not have food, but I have plenty of liquor!

Who wants a drink?

I'm in a sour mood so I'd like a sour drink.

Tall glass filled with vodka.

Good vodka.

Soda if you have it.

I forgot how palatial this place is.

How come you still have the sets up

from that porno we did? What was it called?

"Womb Raiders".

"In Diana Jones".

"Spurtacus".

It was "Who's Afraid of Virginia's Cooch".

I don't know... I was home sick.

Kind of reminds me of Vegas.

What happened to you, Rafe?

I haven't heard from you in months.

Started school. Decided to get a degree.

What's your major?

Women's Studies.

What's a gay man doing studying women's issues?

What's wrong with that?

- I don't get it. - It's not weird.

What does a gay man want to know about women?

How to thoroughly defeat us?

You're doing a fine job without me.

- See? - She's baiting you, Rafe.

That's not what I meant.

And you know if you're in man-hater mode,

I've had a long day and don't want to get into this shit.

I'm just saying... but man-hater?

Shouldn't you be supportive of a man

wanting to know more about women?

Why should I be supportive?

Because I could somehow make a contribution?

Who asked you to?

I'm not being mean.

Just playing devil's advocate.

No other woman I know thinks it's weird.

Maybe they're humoring you.

I think you're useless unless you can

sleep with both sexes.

What?

Just trying to change the subject.

So what you're really saying is that we're only

enlightened if we like everybody's sex organs?

Especially the parts we can suck.

I will say that if you've got a bigger dick

than a guy, it's guaranteed that he'll go down on you first.

- Nasty. - Why?

It's just misplaced maternal projections.

Do you suck a pussy or do you lick it?

The quandary!

The wisdom keeps coming.

A man not afraid of eating out a woman

is a man not afraid of women!

Many straight guys won't go down on it and you know it.

FYl, "it's" called a vagina.

So J.D., do you like suckling breasts?

I'm a breast guy.

Yeah, but do you eat out a pussy?

God, it just rolls off the tongue.

Finger-licking good.

- You're vile. - I responded.

So you like a woman in her totality?

Totally.

You don't reduce her to body parts?

I love breasts and I have

no problem whatsoever with pussy.

But I've never seen you with a fat girl.

So what?

She's still a woman.

You wouldn't date a fat girl?

I'd let her suck my dick as long as she wasn't grotesque.

Trust me... you're not enlightened.

That's a very nice way of putting it.

I don't see why you're all obsessed with fat.

Lesbians don't care so much.

Because they're all fat.

Like me?

Besides, I've loved many fat girls.

Doesn't make you enlightened according to

this lame-ass, suck-me theory.

A guy puts his dick in your face, you'd bite it off.

Yeah, but you haven't sucked one either

so don't go getting high and mighty with me.

Nope... not going against nature.

Here we go.

Going against nature totally excludes oral sex

from the equation then?

I'm sure many women will be relieved to know

they don't have to hear,

"Suck it harder, not so hard, now lick my balls".

Blow jobs, lesbian sex, and doggie-style are all fine.

But fat chicks and butt-fucking dudes

just doesn't fly right by me.

Let's talk about the glandular surprise in your ass.

Dude, you're disturbing me.

Women can hit it too.

Just you try going near a straight guy's asshole.

Just you try.

Yeah... stay away from my asshole!

No decent girl wants to go near that dirty thing.

Fuck you, already.

Wait, isn't the point of sex to Christians like J.D.

about procreation anyway?

That's why we call you guys breeders...

you think it's your job.

I'm not Christian. I'm Catholic.

I think it's actually very simple.

We're sexual creatures.

Ultimately, we could take it anyway we can get it.

Penguins mate for life.

You're not a penguin.

We're closest to apes, actually, and they don't mate for life.

Well, fucking everything that moves won't solve anything.

I think the queer Roman priests tried

and it didn't work out so well for them.

So you really do think women are perfect?

Isn't every crime against humanity committed by a man?

A sexually frustrated man who turns to his knife

or his gun or his bomb to destroy what he can't

reconcile what's in himself?

Something tells me this is going to be a long evening.

Be honest with yourself. Estrogen doesn't make us happy.

Be honest with your self.

Women have been the ultimate rape victims

and Christianity the ultimate penis.

You can't tell me that's not true.

And you're not a man-hater because...?

Continuation of this argument implies that she

is afraid of giving up control.

And you're not a control freak?

The beauty of life is often found when we give up control.

Confucius say...

Can we change the subject?

Why? Afraid you're gonna go to hell?

Maybe. Guilt by association.

Fuck hell.

And by the way, fuck your male god.

Step back, girls.

Lightning's about to rip through the ceiling.

I'm not scared.

Your god's aim ain't that great, if you think about it.

Hey, can you hang on?

God damn!

Has she always been such an angry bitch?

Rafe, are you okay?

I... need something more to eat or something.

Help yourself.

Are you gonna hog that thing or what?

Thank you. I did miss you guys.

It's so hard to find anyone to talk to anymore.

Mental masturbation between three hormonal

bitches is not my idea of a good time.

You need to quit talking in stereotypes,

even if it is in jest.

- Kris? - What?

Free fucking country!

Don't be such a brute.

I think you might enjoy what's about to happen.

So you're blowing me off for her?

Fine. Call me later.

I'm sure you'll be around!

- You okay? - Never better.

I should probably get going.

I'm not really feeling that great.

You're not leaving me alone with that one.

Now see... you talk like you don't like me,

but you do.

Of course I like you. You amuse me.

That was supposed to be a cut, but it doesn't matter.

'Cause I've got a nice buzz on and I'm all about the love.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to go to the little girl's room.

Aim carefully. Rosa just cleaned my floors.

Better yet... just sit.

Why do you have two eights on your wall?

They're hearts.

- Where? - On my wall.

What are they, really?

A doorway to higher consciousness.

You okay?

They're giving me a headache.

Let's just leave then.

When things could get interesting?

Even though you have a headache?

You a fucking Girl Scout now?

Sorry, the sarcasm. It's that fucking bitch.

So... what's been going on with you,

besides, um, school.

You seeing anyone?

You know how long it's been since I've been in love?

You're not missing anything.

But I am though.

I only fall in love with guys who remind me of Jimmy Schwab.

Who's that?

Just some guy before I got bitter... when I was 14.

Isn't it funny... the love of our lives

is always the one who never loves us back.

That's just it, though.

He could have loved me if I had let him.

There's always that.

What other drugs are you on, J.D.?

You look beat up.

Why I'm sure I don't know what you mean.

I'm sure.

So J.D... getting back to it...

What exactly is your beef with gay sex?

I've already spoken my peace on the situation.

It's a matter of AC/DC.

You talk like that makes sense.

But with a lot of lube, my dick would fit

in your ass easier than her vagina.

What if... we're all fucking bisexuals?

I'm not fucking any bisexuals.

Or any hermaphrodites, for that matter!

Bisexuals get on my last fucking nerve.

Why can't you make a decision?

What if all we really want is intimacy and sexual pleasure?

Our needs are as simple as that?

Doesn't matter who we love, just how?

Exactly.

Are you bisexual now, Kris?

Not officially, but I haven't closed my mind

to it yet either.

Heidi, sure you're not bisexual?

Sorry, no.

Rafe? I already know the answer

to this, but have you ever slept with a woman?

I kissed a girl in high school.

She gave me a cold sore.

I think about her every year.

But the pain she gave me didn't make me gay.

I was gay from the first moment I masturbated...

if you're curious.

So not.

So you totally lost your argument about bisexuals, Kris.

You'd be surprised what I can pull out of my hat.

Stop me if I offend your sensibilities.

Okay, Kris, you're the anomaly in this group.

Or am I the most advanced sexual creature?

Okay, that was pretty hot.

But what is this... a new party game?

We make it up as we go along.

Rafe, wanna kiss me?

Uh, no.

- But you'd kiss J.D.? - Yeah, but he's a batterer.

Fuck that! I wouldn't hit you.

But I wouldn't kiss you either.

Don't cross my boundaries and everything's cool.

What about you, Heidi?

Would you kiss one of these fine young bucks?

Well it's no big deal to me... kissing.

But what's your game?

Haven't you woken up and just thought...

Damn, I want to lose my hang-ups?

- Not in a long while. - I don't have any hang-ups.

- You're kidding, right? - I know what I'm not.

Okay, me... definitely not gay,

so I respect him and all.

But I do have a question for the homos.

Does Gaydar work?

I mean, can you tell when someone is gay?

- Why, you worried? - Anyway.

I think, if I understand you correctly,

you're trying to say that we can all switch sides

if we dig deep enough and get over our tendencies.

But that's BS.

How can you be so sure you don't like breasts though?

Maybe you're just afraid of the idea of them.

What are you doing?

It's okay, honey. They're harmless.

Really? They sent a nation

into a bitch fit when broadcast on public TV.

Come on, baby, just touch one.

- Touch both. - I'd rather just die.

What?

I'd rather die than be straight.

If it's any consolation, you probably will.

J.D., fuck yourself.

You'd rather die than be loved?

You wouldn't understand. It's a sister issue.

No, I don't have brothers.

You're touching these, Rafe.

I'm not touching your-

Oh, yes you are!

You're paying god knows how many thousands

of dollars to study women's issues, and I'm gonna

give you a big, fat lesson for free!

God, you really do reduce a woman to body parts.

Rafe, seriously.

How could mammary glands freak you out?

As a baby you adored them!

I was bottle-fed.

Now we know the source of the problem!

Let's just leave it at the fact I am not

attracted to you sexually.

Uh, by the way, I am.

Fine, show it for the fag but not the straight guy.

You're too easy.

Have you ever considered that maybe you shouldn't

be fucking around with his sexuality like that.

Why?

I don't know.

I mean make him straight if you can.

Rafe, I just had a thought.

Have you ever considered that maybe you're not

as gay as you think you are?

Trust me, I'm gay.

But how do you really know?

What if what you think about yourself isn't true?

But there's so much bullshit built up

that you don't really know who you are?

But what would that mean about you?

After Kate, totally considering hetero.

But not with you.

Oh, so you played cootchie-coo

with your titties for Rafe's benefit?

Maybe I just like to feel myself up.

The bottom line is I don't like your... you know.

Thought it just rolled off the tongue.

Pussy. Cunt.

Scary monster!

But you both have nice supple titties.

Now it's bad 70s porn.

I just don't want to sink my face into them.

And the vagina-

You have a lot of research to do, my friend.

J.D.

Would you show us your penis?

Huh?

I'm just asking.

You act like a guy with a really big dick.

Kind of curious if I'm right.

He's got a big one.

What? I'm a good judge of character.

Don't you be looking at this!

Would you show us?

If you paid me.

I've got a quarter, but I might need parking money later.

It's a fucking gorgeous dick, a'right?

A'right.

So sweet... A boy and his penis!

What's his name?

I think they're all called Boy Scout.

So what's so special about your penis, honey?

Yeah. And how big?

It's just a wonder to look at.

J.D.'s gonna show us his little soldier.

There's nothing little about it.

I for one have to see it now.

The anticipation is killing me.

Sorry, not a party trick.

You saw my breasts, so I deserve to see your dick.

It's probably just a sick piece of meat

that goes squirt, squirt.

They're using reverse psychology.

I for one hope it works.

All right... I'll show you my dick.

But something's got to get me hard.

Why?

They can't just plop them out.

It needs to make a grand entrance.

Maybe they should rename them all Paris Hilton.

No, it's true. I've got a grower not a show-er.

What does that mean?

Flaccid his penis is small and uneventful.

But when it grows...

Guys tell me they love my penis all the time.

That statement was wrong on a couple of levels.

So whip yours out, too.

We'll see who's more delusional.

I got your delusions right here.

Show it.

Touch each other and we'll see.

All right...

Now move closer and say "I want you to fuck me".

Oh, honey.

I want you to fuck me like a stallion.

Fuckin' good enough.

You've got a helmet!

It's called foreskin!

It's bigger than I anticipated.

I have nothing to compare it with,

but I could totally do without the creepy hood.

It's a really nice dick, J.D.

Is it a really small one? Poor thing.

Fuck you, emotional piranha.

Show it!

- J.D.'s gotta jerk himself. - What?

Beat off... otherwise I can't do it.

I'm very visual.

Dude, I'm not beating off for you.

That's very faggot-esque.

Here, J.D., I'll give some stimulus.

I'm kind of impressed.

If you were a gay man you'd be all over this.

Perfect shape. Perfect size.

Mine's bigger than that!

I'm strangely intrigued by your penis, Rafe.

Looks like something the military would hand out.

Swift, to the point, takes care of business.

You're all missing the grand point,

which is that this is a beautiful dick...

Which, by the way, needs to take a piss.

It's no big thing. It doesn't matter.

Friends?

You just slapped him like a little girl.

I got confused. I didn't want to punch him!

Real ladylike, asshole!

I think it's time for your big fucking exit.

At the very least a time out.

I'm not into what you just did!

It was a hand... on your "beautiful" package!

You were really proud of it, J.D.

Maybe pride got the better of you?

What if I came up to you and grabbed your vagina?

Just call it what you really think it is;

a bicked and ugly pussy!

What the fuck is bicked?

Don't you shave?

Dude, I'm sorry, really. A'right?

I just reacted and you're all being

purposefully antagonistical. Why would you think that's cool?

I knew what you would do. I'm a couple steps ahead of you.

Oh, God, you know what? You're fucking just like them!

Emotionally abusive and all.

Did I hurt your feelings?

Or maybe you're trying to recapture things

with Jimmy Schwab.

That was a confidence thing.

Or maybe you did what you just did

because you're being manipulative.

Maybe I've been learning from my studies.

I'm not letting you manipulate me...

and I didn't mean to hit you. It startled me, was all.

It's inescapable.

Hateful little men with too big 'a dicks!

Whack 'em all!

You know what. You know what?

Fine. Touch it!

It won't bother me if I'm expecting it.

And then I can prove to all of you

that I'm not the kind of person you're trying

to make me think I am.

You just proved us right though.

Oh God, shut up.

Sorry... didn't want to ruin your "master plan".

I can't believe I'm doing this, but come here.

Fucking Neanderthal.

Look, man, I like you a lot.

You're a cool guy and I didn't mean to hit you.

And while I don't want to turn you on,

I want to prove to you that I'm not a man-hater.

- So just do it. - What?

We're gonna touch each other's dicks.

I'm not interested in your flaccid penis.

Mine won't be flaccid... and neither will yours.

Who's going to get you hard, J.D.?

- Heidi. - Fuck you.

No, no, no!

Now that we're breaking everybody's boundaries,

I think it's time you felt a man's dick.

You're gonaa get me hard,

and then Rafe is gonna touch it.

Just touch it.

Like I'm holding a big, fat piece of salami?

Yeah, only without the smelling.

I'm confused... who's trying to prove what to who?

That I'm not afraid of dicks.

I'm just am afraid of what he wants to do with mine.

But if we all understand the ground rules

and nothing is gonna be done but a nice handhold,

then we can put all this behind us

and get back to the fucking Kumbaya.

At this rate someone's gonna end up dead.

- Or pregnant. - Scared?

I'm not scared of the big, bad dick!

You want me to grab it?

Run my fingers up and down its bulky

and somewhat unshapely length?

By the way, I'm not touching the helmet.

Grow up, already.

Pretend that I'm your lover.

And that this is my bicked pussy.

- Okay, now just- - Shut up.

Unzip my pants.

Get on your knees.

And quit sighing.

Now pull down my shorts... slow.

Okay, there.

No, if I'm going to touch his dick,

you need to stay there.

Now cup my balls.

But don't yank 'em... I mean it.

Okay, now reach over and unzip his pants.

Now pull out your dick.

Okay, now cup his balls.

Now here's what I want you to do.

I want you to reach over and grab it.

No movement.

Okay, here goes...

- It doesn't bite. - Could do some spitting.

Fuck you!

Congrats, J.D... you're no longer straight.

Bullshit.

If you had any more precum I'd have to call for Rosa.

I always get precum with my erection.

And that whole jerk-jerk bit.

He could have jerked you off in seconds.

Because she was there.

Oh, your point?

Securely straight.

Lying bisexual. You want him.

Sorry.

Just admit it. You were ready to burst.

Yeah, because I'm horny. You... her.

She has a name.

- How do you feel? - It was fine.

It was acting and I'm a damn fine actress.

Could you suck their dicks?

Yeah, and maybe even let me fuck you?

If you suck his dick and maybe even let him fuck you.

Never gonna happen.

Then I guess you got your answer.

See? It is about control.

See. It is about fear.

I'll fuck either one of you if he beats off

so I get the visual.

Since you put it that way!

You're serious?

I don't know. Just show me your breasts again.

You might as well show me yours...

if you want me to get an education and all.

Sorry, I'm not into three ways.

Is this because you've got funky nipples?

Fuck you.

What do you think?

I want to suck one.

- Why? - Curious.

That makes you a good student.

Afraid our little experiment failed.

I feel nothing.

They're just flesh.

But you can't stop with your little thinking cap off.

Dude, your approach was all wrong.

Kiss him.

Do it.

Kris, I need to talk to you.

How did it feel?

My tongue... In your mouth.

It was an anomaly.

Too peculiar to have existed?

- Exactly. - But you did it.

- Heat of the moment. - Whatever.

You're worse than a fucking woman.

No, just worse than fucking a woman.

Whatever!

You sure you're okay?

Do you feel strange?

What do you mean?

I'm all out of sorts.

All tingly and shit.

J.D.'s always had good drugs.

Yeah, I guess.

Okay. See you then.

What happened to J.D.?

He left.

Something wrong with Heidi?

Thought she was bleeding. Turned out to be precum.

Are you guys talking about me?

Yeah, we're laughing about what a latent hetero you are.

Ha-ha-ha.

Where's J.D.?

- He's gone. - Good riddance!

Oh, God, I think I'm falling in love with him.

Fucker.

By the way, that was real smooth, that crotch-grab.

I've had finer moments.

Anyway, you'll get over it.

I mean there's not much there to love.

Women think he's a joke.

They have coffee and laugh at him.

Now you're just being cruel.

Are you guys hungry?

I need something to eat before I pass out.

I'll order Chinese.

Order J.D. something sweet and sour...

with a fortune cookie validating his pathetic existence!

- Hmm. - What hmm?

He really gets to you.

Don't put J.D. off on me.

You're the one in love with something you can't have.

And I'm the only one here with that problem?

Hello, bitches! I'm home!

Asswipe.

Here... Be a man... have a beer.

All right.

So I've been thinking.

And drinking.

You know how we've been talking about

psycho men and women?

I think we're all fucked up.

We should just blow up the world!

What's the number of the FBl?

You know what?

All three of you have been fucking with me all night

and I want to know why.

I mean, it's a lot like being in a relationship.

Do a certain thing. Be a certain way.

For God's sake, don't think!

Don't share your fucking ideas.

Of course I don't think we should blow up the world.

But I mean why the fuck are you girls so frustrating?

Quit referring to me in the feminine.

Truth is I'm more masculine than you are.

How's the weather in Deluded Land?

Wait, back up.

Why destroy what we can fix?

But that's just it. We can't fix it.

- Fix what? - Society.

Bullshit!

What are you really saying?

Can't fix yourself?

Such bullshit!

Control your sex drive-

- J.D., you're- - Just let him talk.

Thank you, Kris.

Well, I for one don't want to hear it.

He's gonna go blah, blah, blah about all these

blah, blah things.

Just destroy the world when blah, blah, blah.

Don't mock me, Heidi.

Could you leave intelligent conversations

to the adults and go blow up the world?

You're not just talking about him.

You're talking about all of them.

Men. Yeah.

It goes back to that, doesn't it?

Men destroy everything. Think about it.

Why are you letting him get to you?

Because I don't like the way he thinks!

I'm happy women shut you down.

Because if they hadn't we'd have seen your ugly

mug on the evening news a long-ass time ago.

Why don't you just talk directly

about what's really bothering you?

- Kris, can I be frank? - Is that your drag name?

You're just like J.D... destructive.

Why are you being so aggressive?

He just came in and said he wants to blow us all up.

Doesn't that frighten you?

He's just playing the same game.

We're all playing it.

Heidi, you're getting a little too fucked up.

No more. You're cut off.

J.D., playing games. Ha!

He can't even read the instructions.

I don't think anyone could disagree with me

because all I'm saying is things in our lives

are pretty fucking ugly and for the exact same reason!

And they don't have to be, Is all.

You want a world where you alone are right.

You know what?

I don't want to live in your world, by the way.

You don't want to live in a peaceful world?

Rafe, back me up on this.

Do you want to live in a peaceful world?

Sure. Whatever.

Your version of peace is pretty fucking lame!

Can't we all just get along?

Fine!

Get us there.

But you fucking lesbians-

We're not a species.

Truth is you're men without dicks.

You're really sad. That's all I can say.

You want to know what's sad?

Ghosts with confused sexual identities.

You want to know what's really sad?

Aimless wanderers who fuck anything that moves.

You're worse than a faggot.

You think what you do is a public service.

Shut up.

Don't tell me to shut up. I'll kick your fucking ass!

Believe that!

Their behavior is exactly why I'm detoxing.

I'm sick of you bashing me.

Poor J.D.! Doesn't mind hitting people

but challenge his intellect and his 'feewings' get hurt.

Spend your time hating men so you don't have

to think about yourself. Good fucking strategy.

You don't know anything about me.

I know everything about you.

My sister's a dike, remember?

At least one of you came out right.

And she tells me how clannish dikes are.

You have to have a fucking password to get into parties.

If you're not in a clique, you're screwed.

I'm surprised they let you in with an

anorexic little body like that.

Be honest with yourself.

If Kate hadn't dumped you, there's no way

in hell you'd be hanging here with us tonight.

That's why no one's seen you in months.

You've been holed up with her.

Now that it's over you're reconnecting

with your friends.

But the truth is... you're just using us.

She didn't dump me.

Whatever you want to tell yourself.

We're very similar, you and me.

You're mad at her and you're taking it out on me

because you think that I won't fight back.

Don't you ever put me in the same category as you.

I'm just trying to talk.

Why don't you see a doctor about removing

that infected bug from your ass.

You're the ass here.

Mule-like pathetic piece of shit.

How many daddy complexes have you fucked?

- What? - Daddy complexes.

Men that remind you of your father.

How many have you fucked?

- I'll answer if you do. - Whatever.

'Cause there's no way to be your age

and not sleep with a guy.

Or at least think about it. Right, J.D.?

Full... of... shit.

And you're... a... liar.

I can spot a liar a thousand feet away.

You can spot a liar in anyone.

What the fuck are you guys talking about?

Your straight friend can get it up for women,

but he can't keep it together and give her what she needs.

So while he orgasms and technically wallows

in the afterglow, he's an emotionally incapacitated

fag, and that makes him really fucking angry!

And you're a cunt that's been overused!

No one here hates either you.

I wish you would both return the favor.

I know all your types.

Eager to get what you want and fuck the consequences.

No one has to hurt because that's the way sex is.

It's deep and dark and ugly and it's urgent and we need it!

But what about the people who fucking feel

when they are being fucked?

Did you get AIDS?

What?

I mean it makes sense. Isn't that what all this about?

Why would you say something like that?

Gays like you kill yourselves because of self-hatred.

You drink, do drugs, and then fuck and die...

like insects, or salmon.

Lesbians are the most disease-free-

I've had dear friends die of AIDS, and that was

akin to verbal rape, you ignorant fucking pig!

Truth hurts.

Fuck you!

Die of AIDS, already.

You sick asshole... what kind of hell do you live in?

Sorry, buddy, God's on my side.

When I fuck you I'm gonna whisper a secret in your ear.

Keep dreaming, faggot, because it's never gonna happen!

You're making a great big ass of yourself, J.D.

And frankly it's embarrassing.

I've had enough of this fucking bullshit evening.

Heidi, don't leave like this!

Bu-bye.

Wait.

I'm not going anywhere because of that fucking piece of shit.

Hello.

Go get a beer. You're shaking.

I'm not drunk... I'm pissed.

And you all are fucking being mean.

Rafe, are you sure I don't look like Bjork like this?

No, seriously.

Sorry.

Come on... don't fucking shut me out.

I'm sorry!

I know I just overreacted.

But that thing has got to be punished.

Don't go down to his level.

Everything's cool.

J.D... Come with me please.

I'm not going to ask you twice.

What is this... another party game?

It's a test.

Of what?

Do it or else you automatically fail.

Put your hand out.

Is it hot?

Duh.

Gullible.

Kinky bitch.

That was quick.

Heidi, come here.

What's going on?

You're about to be the sacrificial whore.

Dude, Rafe is so not fucking me.

Who said anything about Rafe?

Ow! Okay, easy!

You're not gettin' near me with that thing.

Okay, this so isn't funny.

Doesn't have to be funny. Just has to be fun.

Now I get what a grower is.

Floppin' around like that... Helpless... scared.

Fucking crazy-ass women!

Fucking crazy-ass women what?

We're so right and he's afraid of it.

Strangely intrigued, but wondering...

what the fuck are you doing?

Shut it, Rafe, or you're next.

Get them off of me!

It's been real. No room for me here.

See ya!

Do you have any condoms?

I don't want to get shit under my nails.

Oh, I hate that.

FYl, she's about to ram a finger in your asshole.

Don't do this if you know what's good for you.

We're doing this for your own good.

He'll be squealing like piggie from "Deliverance".

Here's the good news.

I'm gonna perform fellatio.

You're gonna have to lift your legs a little.

Because when I get you hard, Heidi's gonna shove it in

and you're gonna cum in 15 seconds.

Give piggie ten.

Go slow at first.

Ready?

No.

Ready?

Wee! Wee! Wee!

I'm so excited to be part of your first anal insertion.

Let me give you some tips real quick.

Okay, don't clench your butt crack because as soon

as she shoves her fingers in...

mmmmmmmm...

See it doesn't feel so good,

but if you're nice and loose...

ah...

pet the baby...

and it's Heidi's fingers.

She's really good with them because she's a lesbian.

Hmm hmm. Fudge packin' is good!

I'm ravenous.

- Do you have enough cash? - I'll charge it.

I'll buzz him in.

Ha, ha. Very funny, bitches.

You okay now?

That was cathartic.

He just really pissed me off.

As does Kate, it seems.

You don't know anything about us.

Where are you going?

Is Kate the reason you've been out of touch?

You didn't call-

You wouldn't understand.

No, I've never been in a relationship.

The point is you're here now and I missed you.

I wish I understood your motives.

I am exactly what you see.

Let's freak out this delivery guy.

- Hi! - Hello.

Uh, hi.

You are cute.

You guys are fucking dead when I get out of here.

You better leave me locked up.

Did I come at a bad time?

Any time you come is never a bad time.

Thank you.

You know this was my last run-

We've got more than we can handle tonight.

Excuse me.

Bye-bye.

Nighty night.

Cute, but dumb. He didn't take my card.

You haven't touched your sum-yungai.

Well if anybody had asked before I was so

rudely incapacitated, I'm a vegetarian now.

Eat your white rice and stop bitching already.

Suck my dick.

- Whip it out. - Whip it out.

I feel sorry for straight men.

They can't be clever... so they mimic.

It's a passive-aggressive way of doing what they're told.

Anyway-

No one's making you stay. I'll pay for your cab.

I don't need your money.

He just thought it would be different, is all.

What did you think would be different?

He thought the night would wind down

and Rafe would run off and chase some dick.

No dick is gonna want me after eating all this.

Yeah, those two shrimp and three peas

are really holding you back.

Homosexual men have so much in common

with 12-year-old girls, it's scary.

I for one have heard enough verbal diarrhea for one night.

Help me clean this up.

- No, I'm too tired. - Get up, you bitch!

Kris, where are your CDs?

They're in that little hexagonal thingy over there.

They're in order alphabetically.

No one here's surprised.

You're pretty mouthy for a person with an index finger

this close to his fear hole.

Let's dance.

Like we did in Junior High.

When the girl would lay her head on the guy's shoulder

and was just happy to be close to him.

I want that now.

Lie.

A head lies, right?

I guess if you're a straight guy.

Penny for your thoughts.

Save your money.

You look lost in one of those ideas so powerful

it might last for months.

Some ideas last for years.

Lifetimes, even.

Come dance with me.

I don't want to dance.

Come on, it'll burn calories.

I need to rest.

Then I'll lie with you.

You smell like vanilla.

Sorry for earlier.

Be quiet.

Why? You must have something to say.

Actually, a theory just came to me.

I think you might like it.

Jesus, can't we take a break?

My theory is that "straight men"

have sex with other men, they're just really clever

about calling it male bonding.

This has to do with me how?

You watch football, right?

Basketball, baseball, fishing and soccer.

And?

It's so annoying to walk into a bar with a football game on.

Men feel compelled to scream out loud.

Do their victory dances, bump stomachs,

high-five, grab each other's backs.

All because their "tight end" just scored a point.

Dude, they're having a good time.

J.D... they're having emotional orgasms.

Fuck!

You've scored all the points you're gonna score with me.

The only difference between real sex and sports sex

is that there aren't any penises involved.

Men just beat off later to a general mood of jubilation,

pretending they found the cheerleaders really fuckable.

You are so full of shit.

You didn't know this?

I guess women didn't say anything

because they'd rather you have emotional orgasms.

Less disease and jealousy that way.

What's the punch line? Just get it over with.

Even if a guy's technically never had sex with another man,

he's had emotional sex with his buddy.

And in a woman's eyes that's pretty close to the same thing.

Do you get it?

You don't know me at all.

You're wrong. My brother's straight.

Well, at least one of you came out right.

You know, you might think you're a tough know-it-all,

but underneath there's someone sad inside.

You haven't had much love in your life, have you?

Who the fuck are you to judge me?

No one.

I'm Mister Stupid, remember?

That so wasn't nice.

And what you said was?

Did anyone ever tell you how cute you are

even when you're mad?

You're so high and horny.

And that suggestive way you have

even when shutting them down.

You're very beautiful.

And I don't want you to change.

But you will.

It's happening already.

The bitterness is settling.

You might want to do something about that

before it turns into cancer.

What about you?

You're so adorable and sexy...

talking about your most personal things

when no one seems to be listening.

But we're listening.

We always listen to you.

But we're hurting 'cause we know what's in store for you.

You won't escape.

You'll become just what everyone expects you to become.

Why are you so fucking-

I'm curious, J.D. How much have you lost?

Your innocence?

Your purity? Your self-respect?

Things are leaving and they're never coming back.

You don't hate me. You hate her.

Stop doing this.

I don't hate anyone, J.D.

Seriously... Tell me.

It's okay.

Just stop it!

What now?

J.D.'s slept with a guy.

For real.

And so have I.

Ha, ha.

You're fucking kidding me, right?

I had nothing to do with it.

You're telling me all night everyone's been fucking lying?

- I've never lied to you. - Well, they did.

Technically we didn't because you never asked any questions.

You said you were straight. And you said you were gay.

Okay, one white lie.

I did say I never slept with a man,

but technically we didn't sleep together.

He fucked me and then I kicked his fat ass

out on the street.

Oh, you fucking bitch.

You slept with a guy? How many?

A couple.

A couple? What the fuck does that mean?

Two.

Two fucking guys.

I'm still confused, J.D.

Did you fuck a fucking couple

or did you fuck two guys separately?

- When did it happen? - Fuck you all!

You're among friends.

Who'll only use this shit against me.

Then don't tell us, J.D.

Stop working both fucking angles.

He's been dying to tell everybody, right J.D.?

Think about it... you get to tell your deepest, darkest secret.

It's more common than you think so quit

being all histrionic and just tell us.

You know what- fine...

I'm gonna be the first one that has the balls to be honest.

I fucked my cousin, okay?

We were playing some game and we went

under the covers... and it happened.

Define "it".

Friction and goo.

Do you want to make a re-creation of it?

Maybe.

So tell me... was that your first orgasm?

Maybe.

Ever? Before masturbation?

Yeah, fine, all right!

My first orgasm was with a guy.

Happy?

And incest to boot!

You said there were two.

Who was the other?

My coach.

All we're missing now is J.D. in prison

being gang fucked by a bunch of skinheads.

Give it a couple of years.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

So what happened with coach?

Seriously, I'm curious how things like that happen.

I wrestled, okay.

And one match I twisted my ankle.

And... you know,

I was in his office and I was alone and I was in pain.

And he came in to take care of my ankle and...

I don't know man, like wrestling was my one

escape from everything that was going bad in my life.

My family-

My parents were getting divorced

and neither of them wanted me around, so...

You know, it was somebody who was actually...

loving me.

And he rubbed something on my ankle...

and then blew.

Just 'cause you sucked a dick doesn't make you a faggot.

Great, now you've sucked a dick!

And I'm worse than a woman.

Perfect. Fucking perfect!

This isn't about you.

So everyone keeps reminding me.

What happened next?

Did you try to hide it from yourself or everyone else?

Is there a difference?

I haven't thought of this stuff until now.

I liked it, okay?

But it's not what I do.

Instead you fuck women and try to relive it?

There's no need to be jealous, Rafe.

- I'm not jealous. - You sure?

Yeah, I am jealous.

No one ever did that to me.

And yet someone you're attracted to

has fucked his own cousin and wouldn't consider you?

Shit like that never happened to me...

and I wanted it.

You're complicated.

Complicated people are harder to seduce.

I'm not simple.

Wait, is somebody here in love with me?

Rafe is in love with you, J.D.

- Fuck you, Heidi. - You're attacking me?

Because I'm saying what you're too afraid to say?

You feel betrayed because the guy you're in love with

fucked everyone but you. Don't confuse this.

You know everything about everybody.

Fuck, you're the most scared and isolated person I've met.

Maybe this will help you overcome all those

dark and sweaty and pointless encounters

trying to find what you'll never have.

You will never have what J.D. had...

and quite frankly probably never wanted that much.

What the fuck are you talking about?

The irony is that gay sex came easy for J.D.,

while you, on the other hand, had to wait until you

could safely explore it because it terrified you...

being called a fag.

You should know that it's the guys like J.D.

that were having all the gay sex in high school

but they were the first ones to turn and call you a faggot.

It's called displacement.

Why do you think J.D. hit you?

You touched him.

I mean you really touched him.

Maybe you're right.

I waited so long because I was scared.

But I'm not scared anymore.

All those sweaty and pointless encounters?

It's called sex.

You should look into it. And you should take some

notes from me because I can get sex

without complication and guilt.

Oh, AIDS isn't a complication anymore?

I'm real sorry you lost your friends.

But I've had more sex than you can imagine

and I'm HIV negative.

And I sure as fuck never got anyone pregnant.

We applaud your clever virility.

You know what this is about?

You're jealous because I'm the most sexually liberated.

Oh, real liberated.

It goes a little something like this:

you're in, you're out, you're done, it's over.

What's your name again?

I just shared the most intimate gift with you,

but suddenly you scare me. See ya.

Gay men love and you know it.

You only want to think it's not as real

as the love you feel because then you'd have to admit

you don't have as much sex.

Rafe, I know gay couples.

Most exist in open relationships.

There's plenty of monogamy in gay relationships.

Maybe in their 30s.

But the late teens and 20s are one big blur of dick!

Why are you so desperate for monogamy?

What good has it ever done for you?

You think sexually frustrated, monogamous women

are better equipped to love?

You can't deny that there's something special

that happens between two people when there's a commitment.

And you can't admit that sex is just a glorified

bodily function that you want to strangle in emotions.

Love everyone or love no one is my motto.

If anybody cares.

What?

I said, love everyone or love no one is my motto.

If anybody cares.

Sorry, but when you have sex on a regular basis

without love you're a whore.

Rafe, you're a whore.

But that's a good thing for guys, right J.D.?

This is a land mine and I need my legs.

So fear of whore-dom is the reason why lesbians

fall in love so quickly?

Now we know the truth about U- Hauls and China patterns.

I don't want to fight with you, Rafe.

I want you to think about this place.

It's full of majesty.

The world is right and you're right...

and everything's right.

What the fuck is your point?

We know where to go, we just don't know

the proper way to get there.

- It's about the orgasm. - It's about the feeling.

Leading to the thought.

Does your bicked and extremely ugly pussy

ever figure into this?

Or are we talking about ventriloquist orgasms here?

You know full well what I'm saying.

An orgasm is an experience and not a gush of fluid.

How can you speak for me? For men?

For other women?

What if you're wrong and you've been missing out

on all this incredible sex?

In fact, when was your last earth-shattering orgasm?

I can remember the day clearly.

The birds were singing, the flowers were blooming

and everything was right in the world.

You can't remember.

- I have them all the time. - Always with people you love?

- Yes. - Never a stranger?

Never.

My last earth shattering orgasm was with a stranger.

I can do this because my orgasms aren't conditional.

Unlike you, Heidi, I come and I'm done and I'm happy.

But you always want something in return.

And yet you're single, no different than me.

But tomorrow I can fulfill my sexual needs.

You can't claim that, can you?

And if I fucked you, you'd be screaming like a schoolgirl.

You'd have to reevaluate your whole routine.

So I guess under these conditions

I'd get real angry, too.

Would you be angry after sex with me?

- I have no anger, remember? - Only fear.

My point about you, Rafe, is that you're a great guy

with a lot of positive energy.

But until you connect emotionally with your

sex partners, you're never going to be free.

And for God's sake, get their first name.

Okay.

I promise to become emotionally involved

with my sex partners if you promise to have sex

with someone you don't love.

Like me.

Come on, Heidi, let's get it on.

Rafe, you're not in high school anymore.

You don't have anything to prove.

Yes, I do.

Kris, would you have sex with me?

Right now?

Sure, why not?

It's really not that gross.

Like J.D. says... friction and goo.

Rafe, you're missing my point.

My, my, my.

We have a bit of an arousal here.

This is pathetic!

You guys, stop. I'm serious.

Why? You have.

Now kiss me.

Now look at me like I'm the only girl you'll ever love.

And find that place in your heart

where you really mean it. And then please yourself

with the thought of the love you have for me.

Okay?

You're doing fine, okay?

Just be creative. Figure out what I like.

Give it to me.

Quick learner.

Dude... It happens.

Fuck off.

Was it too Freudian or Jungian?

It was probably Jungian.

So you're bisexual, but emotionally terrified?

Like he's bisexual and afraid of being stigmatized.

Felt like I just fucked my sister.

Stop generalizing us.

Well, if there's one thing I've learned tonight

is that we all reduce each other to sex.

You're dealing with old issues.

I need a shower.

You might want to rephrase that.

It wasn't very nice.

That's not what I meant.

It smells like sex in here.

I'm gonna have to call Rosa again.

Go get him.

And while you're at it, apologize.

Why, what did I do?

I'm sure you can think of tons of things.

Go!

That was like watching a train wreck.

That?

That was easy.

Open your mind, open your legs.

You really are a whore, aren't you?

To let some guy just do that, in front of an audience.

And you're not even angry at his reaction?

Let me tell you something, sweetie.

What you call being a whore, I call being experienced.

I'm skillful at my craft and I don't mind teaching beginners.

And I didn't get paid, so technically not a whore.

Oh, it was.

I was intimate with a man who didn't want

to be intimate with me and I did it without blinking an eye

because I am a generous person.

However you want to phrase it.

Fucking whore.

I just performed community service.

That man, he's going to recover and be

a better human being for it.

If I'm not concerned about it, why the fuck are you?

- You toy with people. - And you don't?

Not like you do. It's cruel.

Why?

Because it's not what you want?

The world doesn't revolve around Heidi.

I could fuck you in a second.

Spoken like a truck driver.

I could show you places in yourself you've never seen.

Confidence in my dike, I like.

Can you do it without a strap-on?

I could show you how to feel,

where to feel it,

and why you've never felt it before.

I could do all these things, but I won't.

Do what?

Show me the definition of more.

Less is more is a great slogan.

I'm bushed. Pun intended.

This evening is so over.

Isn't that curious?

The big, bad gays scurry away with their tails

between their legs.

I say this with love, but fuck you, and goodnight.

They do it in New York. And the Middle East.

Did he get lipstick on me?

I heard that!

So, what? Was this your big plan?

It seems kind of like a premature ejaculation,

if you ask me.

It's just too bad it's all over.

So, what do you say that you and I

hop in the sack... and we bang out a couple of Os.

Thanks, but no.

Ow.

We were really starting to make progress though.

It's a shame they got scared.

You know, when I was a kid I wanted to be a magician

so that I could make myself disappear.

But try as hard as my parents and I did, it never happened.

But, I did learn a couple of other tricks.

Like... sleight of hand.

Dirty whore.

You want sex with both of them at this point.

Dirty, dirty.

Whore, whore.

Oh, and by the way...

I thought you might want your necklace back.

Is that yours?

Should I?

You know you want to.

Just fuckin' do it.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Kate. How are you?

Yeah, yeah, Heidi was here.

Yeah. We were here all day.

Are you sick?

Your voice- you sound a little hoarse honey.

Oh, she left about 20 minutes ago.

Are you guys still together?

I don't know, she's just acting kind of weird and stuff.

Oh, you guys haven't been together for a while?

What happened?

That was my, um...

it was the, um, vibrator.

Yeah, I was-

I'm a little fucked up.

I can't believe I just told you that.

No, I'm sorry. Seriously though, what happened?

Let me put this vibrator away.

Okay, I'm sorry about that.

Oh, really?

She really did that?

Oh, Kate, I'm sorry.

Well, if you need to talk or anything

I had a similar experience like that, so...

I'm home a lot.

You remember where I live?

I'll probably be here for another month or so.

Okay, baby.

Yeah, okay.

All right. Take care of that throat.

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Well, what?

What did she say?

You were sitting right here, busybody.

Don't worry about what she said.

They're just not together anymore.

Hey, it's me.

No... it's been a weird evening.

I lost my keys. Can I come home?

What?

It's open.

If you dare to enter.

How fucking dare you?

Who fucking spiked my drink?

I'm going to kick some fucking ass

because that's pretty much not very cool.

- Did you? - No.

J.D.?

Welcome to hedonism.

Dude, chill the fuck out! Jesus!

Where's my phone?

So I spiked your drink!

I could have done the hit myself.

Maybe I just wanted to be closer to you.

What? You're gonna cut us now?

Scary!

Where the fuck are my keys?

Ask fratboy.

Hold on, hold on.

So I slipped something in your drink,

and I stole your keys.

Are you guys fucking dead to a new adventure?

I just want to get the fuck out of here, okay?

Fuck this Heidi, let's call AAA-

Why don't you suck my fucking dick!

'Cause your fucking dick is ugly.

I don't need this fucking bullshit.

Why? What else you got going on?

Just stop it, okay?

I have had you figured out for so long...

Kate just filled in the blanks.

What the fuck did you guys talk about?

Why would you do that?

Your phone was ringing so I picked it up.

Big fucking deal.

So I talked to Kate.

We had a very nice conversation.

She pretty much confirmed everything I already knew.

So tough, but so needy.

Love and love, but when they leave...

you don't take that very well, do you?

And you get mad, don't ya?

Kris... she's on drugs! She's got a fucking knife.

And you're pushing her buttons.

Heidi knows what I'm talking about.

She's got J.D's M.O. down.

You know why?

'Cause she beat the crap out of poor little Kate.

You're real good, huh?

Put the joke on everyone else so you don't

have to talk about yourself.

You've done an amazing job.

Well, now it's your turn.

I'm going to ask you a simple question.

Let's see if you can answer it.

Why the fuck are you doing this?

Because... I was bored.

No, you know what? That's not it.

You are like you are because you're scared.

You scared that no one's gonna love you,

so you love everyone.

That is called being a whore, just so you know.

You can't even see the people who want to love you

because you won't let them.

Everything is just a defense mechanism with you,

all this bullshit you cloak yourself up with-

If you are going to continue on with this monologue...

I need another drink.

I could use some popcorn.

Just be real! For once, Kris!

- You want me to be real? - Yeah.

Okay, how's this for real?

I'm real tired of this Butch Ass, Ice Princess routine

you got going on and I'd like to get to know the real Heidi.

Hello, is she in there?

It's not just me you're talking about.

You're talking about all of them.

Women? Yeah.

It all goes back to that.

Women destroy everything.

You've never had any close female friends, have you?

Don't be ridiculous. I have female friends.

Rafe, you're my friend, right?

Fucking cunt.

Oh, my God.

You've created this whole fucking evening

just so we wouldn't leave.

Like I told him earlier,

it's hard to find people to talk to anymore.

Oh my God, Kris-

Stop with the sympathy!

I have female friends and they're dear to me

just like you are.

And... just like you, they're difficult.

We live in the same world, Heidi.

People only have two opinions of us...

bitch or whore. It's really not fair.

People prejudge me because I'm naturally sexual.

How does it feel when people hate you

before you even open your mouth?

People don't hate me.

Honestly? Ya think?

People don't hate you?

Heidi, you're gay.

You're hot. And you're a woman.

People hate you.

Well, fuck anyone who does.

And by the way... I've never hated you.

Yeah, well, you've never loved me either.

J.D. was right about you.

When Kate came into the picture, we were dead to you.

And that's not hate, but it's indifference.

And indifference is close to dislike.

Dislike is close to fear; fear is the completion of hate.

You take me for granted just like almost everyone

I want to love.

Men, women... it doesn't matter.

You can't look at me and see what's in my heart.

All you see is the exterior.

You have my attention and you know it.

I don't want that kind of attention!

And I don't want your pain, or your pity.

I want your friendship.

Your true friendship.

What are you asking of me?

It's not just you, you myopic fucking bitch!

It's every fucking woman on the planet...

every single one of them competing and belittling

anything that fucking threatens them!

Maybe I'm not so fucking put together.

Maybe I don't have the answers.

But I do know things are fucked!

And I don't want them fucked up anymore.

You guys, can you please leave?

Kris, you're just fucked up.

No!

If one woman can't love me then no women can.

That's the truth and that's the way I feel.

You guys gotta go!

Get the fuck out of my house.

Go.

I have love for you and you know it.

You're only saying this because you know it.

Look at me.

Look at me!

You don't love.

You smother.

Now get the fuck out of my house.

You fucking whore!

Fucking bitch!

You don't love! You only hurt!

Who did this to you?

You didn't! And that's the fucking problem!

That's it! Enough!

Holy shit! Rafe!

What, did you fucking cut him with your little knife?

No one cut him!

- Jesus Christ. - Are you okay, Rafe?

It's fine.

Do you have band-aids, a first aid kit?

Come on!

It's in the bathroom under the sink.

If she didn't cut you then why the fuck are you bleeding?

When you get stabbed really close to the heart,

sometimes it doesn't heal.

She stabbed you?

She didn't stab me... my sister did... when I was five.

Why would she do that?

'Cause women are fucking psycho!

Yeah... He's kind of right.

I'm sorry...

About Kate, about everything.

I'm sorry.

Kris, what's going on with you?

For real?

God damn.

Hold that.

Condoms in the first aid kit.

You look a little pale.

I'll be fine.

- Crap. - This tape sucks.

There you go. Good as new.

I think I need more on the top.

Now you're good as new.

What do you think the girls are doing?

Reading Sylvia Plath and making a suicide pact?

We have such fantastic lives and we don't appreciate them.

Why is that?

It's because of fear.

But what are we afraid of?

Life.

Then why are we born fucked?

Because we don't know what to do.

Maybe we do.

It's really simple.

Just love.

Do I have a fever?

No, it's just the drugs.

What's this?

A communion.

So what was the secret you were gonna tell me?

Remember happiness?

Yeah...

I remember.

Why did we forget?

Because... they killed us for loving ourselves.

It's okay.

You're safe.

Lie back.

I'm gonna show you that place now.