All language subtitles for Yonderland.S02E07.1080p.NOW.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_Subtitles01.ENG

HEAVY
BREATHING

GROWL HE SCREAMS

Far, far ago,

the ancients wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces
would sweep our realm,

until only Yonderland remained.

But they telled, also, of a saviour,

come from a distant world,

to save us from the shadows.

So, that's nice.

INDISTINCT CHAT

Seriously - mushrooms?

Precisely. Mushrooms.

What's so special about mushrooms?

Are they magic in some way?

No, nothing like that.

It's just they're the only
thing the fahl will eat,

which is slightly problematic
given the small issue

of the TERRIFYING MONSTER!

-Sorry.
-Hang on. Back up.

THEY GASP
It's been six months, I sat down.

Now, sorry, Mayor -
but what is a fahl?

This is a fahl.

-Can it breathe in there?
-No, no.
This is a recording of a fahl.

Two in fact - a breeding pair.

WHISTLED LULLABY PLAYS

The one we care for is
the last of their kind.

Years ago, many hundreds
roamed the Starflower Woods -

but, alas, their song is no more.

What happened?

Alas, they were delicious

and, alas, we ate them all.

You ate them?

By the time we saw
the error of our ways,

we'd already all
but wiped them out -

the poor, succulent wretches.

Which is why we now
care so diligently

for the one that remains.

And he'll only eat...

The mushrooms from the forest,

which you can't get because of...
THE TERRIFYING MONSTER!

All right, Red Riding Hood.

SHE LAUGHS

I'll bring in the book.

There had always been stories
of a creature in the woods,

but no-one had ever seen it.

Until now.

And if it's not stopped,
the last fahl will surely die.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH

You all know me.

You know how I earn a living.

THEY MURMUR IN DISAGREEMENT
Nope.

I'm a hunter. Hunt stuff.

Hunt things.

I'll catch this monster for you -

and it'll be cheap
cos I've just reduced my prices.

74.99.

For that, you get the head,
the middle...

but I keep the bum -

for reasons of my own.

Great. Let's send that guy.

Now, lunch.

Whoa, whoa. We're talking
about the possible extinction

of an entire species,
and you're going to send that guy?

He's clearly not all there -
he collects bums.

And stamps, but no-one ever goes
on about the stamps, do they?

Debbie, Mr...

is a monster hunter
and we have a monster.

Surely you can see the logic.

Though, of course, you could
accompany him if you wish.

THEY MURMUR IN AGREEMENT

Fine. OK, I'll go.

But if he kills me in the woods,

my bum-less corpse is going to
come back and haunt you all.

Vivid image.

FOOTSTEPS

THUD

THUDS CONTINUE

BANGING AND BUZZING

THEY SCREAM

Dad! What the hell are you doing?

I've come round to fix your light...

like I said I would.

Yeah, in June!

Dad, you can't just break
into people's houses

and start fixing stuff.

Well, I thought you were at work.

Mum said she texted you.

Oh, what... Do you mean the
"Cad connin locket lig howru"?

I haven't had chance to send
that one to Bletchley yet.

"Dad coming to look at light.
How are you?"

Oh.

Why are you here?

The servers are down,
so I'm working from home.

No Debbie...again?

Well, she's at flute-making class.

She play the flute?

No, she hasn't made one yet.

Dad, when you think
you're not saying stuff, you are.

I'm just saying
she's a very pretty girl.

It'd do no harm
to keep your eyes open -

make sure she isn't hanging around
with any strange men.

Dad, I can assure you my wife is not
"hanging around with strange men."

This way...

Come, come. The Fahl really is
the most wonderful creature -

charming, erudite,
and quietly dignified.

Mushrooms! Where are my mushrooms?!

Not always that quietly.

This way.

Oh, here he comes. Finally, yeah.

Honestly, you people make me sick!

I only ask for the simple things
in life - food, water,

move that mountain
out of my sun, but no.

You never fail to disappoint me.

Charming, isn't he?

Honest answer?

Right, let's get this over with.

Hey! Whoa, whoa. No.

That's not the monster.

That's the last fahl.

Yeah, I'm important,
so where are my mushrooms?

I'm afraid the slight delay has
become fractionally less slight.

Now, what I was thinking...

What I was thinking is, I'm going
to stop breathing right now.

-I'm going to do it.
-No.
I'm going to do it right now!

-Doing it.
-No!

No. Stop.

Where are the musicians?

With the fahl's song silenced,

we must now soothe his blessed
and wondrous mood swings

with music of our own.

Uplifting Tune 6B. Go!

THEY PLAY TERRIBLY

Argh! I will pay you
to make them stop.

If I had ears, I'd rip them off -

if I had hands.

It's just a little slow,

it's better when it is faster -

and louder, LOUDER!

THEY CONTINUE TO PLAY BADLY

No, no. Stop!
You're killing all the birds!

Coincidence!

Oh, Elf!

All right, I'm breathing again -
just make them stop the music.

-He is soothed.
-Are you all right?

Oh, this reminds me of the
last time I got hit by a dead bird.

Not your best story.
But you can see the similarity.

Can everyone stop talking except me,
please?

Tell these people to go
and find me my some mushrooms.

And a shawl, I want a shawl.

And a painting of a horse.

But wearing a hat.

Are you sure we can't kill it?

No, no. Please, please, please.

Look, I know his beauty
and wonder takes on many forms,

most of them neither
beautiful nor wondrous,

but it was us who made him this way
when we robbed him of his kin.

We can't let the last of them die.

How will we live with ourselves?

Mayor, he may be a total... Yeah.

Annoying, but I promise
I won't let anybody kill him.

LOUD SCREECHING

We've got bigger fish to fry.

It's a fish? How big?

Cos I've got a boat,
but it's a bit on the small side.

SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS

HE WHIMPERS

HE SCREAMS

Your Darkness, are you OK?

Yeah. It's just the nightmares.

I'm not having any and I can't
seem to sleep without them.

Anything we can do? Glass of milk?

-Cuddle?
-No.

No!

It's Imperatrix.

What is she up to?

Where has she gone?

You do know we had that
window bricked up?

Yeah, I find it strangely inspiring.

My worry is that, in her absence,

Yonderland could get
caught in a power vacuum.

Oh, that happened to me once -
very painful.

No, Jeffery,
that was a vacuum cleaner

and I told you not
to put it in there.

A power vacuum is when
there's nobody in charge,

meaning that any old idiot
could seize power and...

Hang on!

I could be that idiot.

Demons!

Find out everything you
can about staging a coup,

starting with how you spell it,

cos I think there's a P
somewhere you're not expecting.

-Oh!
-Oh, you're slowing me down,
Debbie.

Me? You just had a six-minute wee!

Listen, lassie, hunting
isn't for the likes of you.

It's dirty work. You don't
want to see what I've seen.

Even I don't want to see what
I've seen and I've seen it.

Why? What have you seen?

I almost slew the
Lake Pig of Hildergwen.

I came this close to
a gruff-kneed sand-biter.

And the Nearlyhorse of Nezzleborough

very nearly wasn't
a nearlyhorse any more.

"Almost?" "Nearly?"

Are you sure you've actually
killed a monster?

Oh, that's not the point!
SCREECHING

Not now, Kenneth,
I'm trying to have an argument.

The point is -
you've got city hands now.

You've been raising children
all your life.

They might be good for
patting heads and cleaning bums,

but out here, you need a hand
you can strike a match on

or karate chop
the top off a can of beans.

A hand that,
when the grit hits the fan,

is not afraid to put one finger up
in the air and say - MONSTER!

Squint? SQUINT!
MONSTER ROARS

Yeah, that was a long shot.

MONSTER ROARS

KENNETH SCREECHES

I can explain.

They just kept hunting
till I was the only one left.

I knew I'd stand a chance if
I could keep them out of the woods

and there had always been
rumours of monsters, so...

Well, that makes sense,
which is rare around here.

Sorry if I scared you.

Hey, no-one was scared.

The official story is,
"No-one was scared."

If I could promise that
no-one was going to hurt you,

would you come to
the village with me?

There's somebody you need to meet.

Why is this cushion so red?

And why is that river so loud?

Cos you made us move it closer.

Then move it back.

Fahl, this is Fahleen.

Go on, it's OK.

THEY SNORT

Oh, you smell disgusting!

So...

what does every cruel
and oppressive dictatorship

throughout history have in common?

A loyal military force?

Methodical plan for expansion?

-Hmm.
-Jam?

No. Worth writing those
down though, somebody.

Apart from jam.

The correct answer is...branding.

Like they do to cattle?

No, I mean a logo.

Though I could brand you
with the logo.

I'll come back to that.

My point is, every decent
despot throughout history

has a memorable insignia.

You've got your hammer and wimple,

you've got your Panini sticker and,

of course, the famous
platinum arches of Roald McDahl...

Now there's a guy who knew
how to deal with burglars.

..but today,
a new chapter will be written

in the history chapter of the book.

The history book. Books.

For henceforth, from this moment,

those forces loyal to my noble cause

shall march under this flag.

Any thoughts?

Uh...

She stinks!

This is what fahls are supposed to
smell like, you perfumed pillock.

Can't you see
that this is a miracle?

This blessed union
could save your entire race

and see you, once again,
make sweet, sweet music together.

In every sense.
You're joking, aren't you?

There's nothing miraculous
about that.

First thing, eyebrows -
they don't meet.

Second thing, no beard.

And thirdly, she's got
a figure like an hourglass.

It makes me sick!

I can't listen
to this voice any longer.

The feeling's mutual.

Yes, time out, good idea.
Let's all just...

Well, they're not exactly
made for each other.

WHISTLED LULLABY

Or are they?

I've had an electrician out.

Oh, they don't know
what they're doing.

Says the man whose toolkit
is a Tesco bag full of hammers.

Dad, does this cupboard
seem OK to you?

Well, there's a crack
above the door,

I could chip away
some plaster and see what...

No, no, no, I mean...
Does it feel weird to you?

Have you ever heard of...

projection?

It's one of the words I know, yes.

There's a theory, your mother
keeps going on about it.

It's where you take your
feelings about one thing and

PROJECT them onto something else.

Apparently, it's why I buy big cars.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

First it was rats,

then it was a ghost,

and then you're getting
all het up over some shoe

and now you reckon
you've got a weird cupboard.

All the while, your wife
keeps disappearing off somewhere.

You think my wife is
disappearing into the cupboard?

Of course not.

No, I think maybe you're
taking your feelings about Debbie

and projecting them
onto other things...

like the cupboard.

Dad, for the last time,

I am not worried about Debbie!
NIGEL SCOFFS

She somehow managed
to juggle raising twins

with having some sort of
semblance of a social life,

and today she's learning
how to makes flutes.

Just like when your
mother learnt Spanish?

I didn't know Mum learnt Spanish.

She didn't,
she was having an affair.

Mum had an affair?!

Well...

no, she fancied the teacher.

-That is not the same thing!
-Fine.

Why listen to the wisdom
of an old man

when you're perfectly
happy living in the dark?

Irony.

LOUD BANGING

Ooh! Are they...?

-No, they're fighting.
-Get off.

Right, everyone, I've had an idea.

Clearly, the fahls aren't going
to fall in love with each other

stuck in there with everyone
-watching.
-Good point.

Everyone close their eyes.

No, they need to be
in their natural habitat.

So, I suggest that they go and
spend a night together in the woods,

so that they can...get to
know each other.

Excellent idea!

Play the excellent idea song.

BAND PLAYS TERRIBLY

I am not spending a night anywhere
with that spoilt pig!

If she touched me, I'd be sick all
-down my legs.
-OK. OK. Just relax.

Look, it's obvious that you two
aren't going to get together

in a quillion years, but they're
not going to accept that

so we'll pretend that you're
staying the night in the woods,

then we'll say that you
got eaten by somebody

so you can go back
and live in the woods.

Then you can come back
and live in here,

and you never have
to see each other again.

Brilliant.

Good. It's the first thing
you've agreed on all day.

I said it first!
What? No, you didn't!

Yeah, I did. Why are you
always going on about it?

Oh, keep up, you fat lump.

You what? I was voted
Village's Sexiest Fahl

three years in a row, you know.

You were the only fahl.

Coincidence!

This is far enough.

You go back that way,
I'll go this way. Have a nice life.

I intend to.
FOOTSTEPS

What was that?
HEAVY SNORTING

--Shh.
-Shh.
-Shh.

(Shut up.)We should go back.

We should hide in there
for the night.

What, me in there with you?

You must be joking. I'd rather die.

Great. Well, you can do
that there then. Bye.

Maybe I will.

MONSTER ROARS

Wait for me!

SNORTING AND GRUNTING CONTINUES

Right, I think that's enough.

Now we just wait till it's dark.

Well, I've had to sell
everything I owned,

but we now have a war chest.

-Yep.
-No money to put in it, sadly,

but we'll steal that as we go along.

The main thing is we have a plan.

So...

..here's Yonderland...

Smaller than I thought.
..or as it will now be known -

Negataland.

--Sexy.
-Catchy.
-Why's that?

These are the major villages
and arterial roads plus,

of course, major rivers and dams.

Now, we move from village
to village in this direction

till we reach here, at which point,
we establish a new capital -

Negatagrad.

And bingo!

Whoa, who the hell is that?

I dunno. But her mouth's weird.

Your mouth's weird.

Oh.

Oh, come on. You must know one knot?

Oh, I don't have to know, do I? Eh?

I got people to do stuff for me.

Don't you miss it -

being out in the wild?

Oh, yeah! That worked out well
for the others, didn't it?

I'm looked after perfectly
where I am, thank you very much.

I don't have to do anything.

Nothing at all.

Ow! One of your lice just bit me.

Just keep to your side
and keep your eyes to yourself.

Don't worry, I wouldn't look at you

if you were the last fahl
in the whole realm,

which I will now prove,
because you are. Goodnight!

Yeah, goodnight!

Good night, yeah? Is it, though?

No, because I'm in a cave.

ANGELIC CHORAL SINGING
Yeah.

SHE EXHALES

HE WHIMPERS

Wow.

MONSTER ROARS AND FAHLEEN SCREAMS

Fahleen!

Yeah, you go and get her, mate.

Ow!

Ow, there goes a rib!

Ow, there goes another rib.

You?!

What are you doing?

You know me.

You know what I do for a living.

Fahleen!

What are you doing?

She's been taken, go and get her!

-What are you doing here?
-Don't
change the subject. Go and help her!

-Why?
-Because you've
realised that you love her,

so you've going to go and rescue
her and live happily ever after!

What - and risk my life?

Have you gone insane?

Fine. Just forget it then.
Forget the whole thing.

Just go back to the village.

What about the monster?
There is no monster, you big coward.

-Are you sure?
-Read my lips -

there is no monster...

MONSTER ROAR

Oh, my God!

I'm coming, Fahl!

She didn't buy it.

But at least now I have some scars
I can make up some stories about.

Oh, no.

Oh, you're amazing.

Well, if you like
that kind of thing.

So, they're in love now then?

-Yeah.
-That was quick.

Nothing compared to
their gestation period.

I think this calls
for a celebration.

Celebratory Tune Number 16...

No, no, no.

Let's just leave the music
-to them from now on, yeah?
-OK.

Oh, thank God!

Come on, let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen. Mr Mayor.

Does anyone else
suddenly feel hungry?

THEY MURMUR IN AGREEMENT

This will teach old bossy boobs
to take her eye off the ball,

everything's in place.

Minions...

"Evil-Overlord"
is go!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, God, it's her.

Get that thing over here.

Your eminence,
what a relief to hear from you.

We were worried sick. How are you?
You look well.

SHE EXHALES

Right...

This isn't how it looks.

Yeah - we're pretty sure
there's no P in coup.

HE GROANS

Oh, nuts.

Is that you, Debs?

Hi, hun.
NIGEL CLEARS THROAT

Oh, hi, Nigel. How are you?

Where have you been?

I told you.

Oh, yeah - it was flute making,
wasn't it? That's right.

How was that?
How was all the flutes?

Make lots of flutes, did you?
Get lots of flutes made?

Erm... Just the one.

Oh.

SHE FAILS TO PLAY NOTE

It's my first day.
No, it's brilliant, Debs.

It's really good. It's excellent.

Anyway, I should probably...

Nigel, is he OK?

Just seems a bit...tense.

You know Peter,
he likes to worry about things...

Oh, I managed to...

-fix the light.
-Oh.

-Will you pass the hammer?
-Yeah.

Demons, I now govern your servitude.

Could you use smaller words?

You will report to me at once
to assist with preparations.

For what, your eminence?

Genesis -

the birth of my creation.

If you were the last of your species

and have been affected by
any of the issues in this show,

please use our website for help,
information and advice.

Subtitles by Ericsson

accessibility@bskyb.com