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Hello, again.
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00:00:12,076 --> 00:00:17,081
I'm Laura ingraham and you're
watching "the ingraham angle."
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00:00:17,083 --> 00:00:23,188
Which re-airs on telemundo as
"la madre del diablo." Later in
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00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:26,191
the program, celebrities in
California are whining about
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00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:30,262
some tiny wildfires, while
our heroic president is under
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00:00:30,263 --> 00:00:32,464
constant attack from rain.
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But, first, let's talk about the
rampant voter fraud that allowed
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00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:40,973
democrats to literally
steal the election.
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00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:44,610
Some have claimed that suburban
women revolted against the
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republican party, but doesn't
it feel more true that all
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00:00:48,248 --> 00:00:50,115
hispanics voted twice?
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00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:55,154
You can't dismiss that idea
simply because it isn't true and
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00:00:55,155 --> 00:00:56,155
sounds insane.
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00:00:56,156 --> 00:01:00,993
In fact, let's add that
to our list of feel facts.
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00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:03,962
Which aren't technically
facts, but they just feel true.
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00:01:03,963 --> 00:01:08,667
Like -- latinos can have
a baby every three months.
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00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:10,102
Santa is Jesus' dad.
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00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:16,275
If the earth is so warm,
then why are my feet cold?
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00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:18,343
Blackface is a compliment.
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If you have less than
five guns, you're gay.
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00:01:22,982 --> 00:01:29,154
Now here to explain how rampant
this voter fraud has gotten is
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pulitzer-prize eligible
judge jeanine pirro.
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I hate them, Laura!
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00:01:33,793 --> 00:01:34,793
Who?
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Sorry, that's just
my vocal warm-up.
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Judge, now what specific
examples of voter fraud have you
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uncovered?
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Well in Georgia, many people
were wearing disguises in order
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to vote multiples times.
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For example, I saw this
man vote in Atlanta.
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Then he went into his car
and changed into this woman.
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00:01:58,151 --> 00:02:04,456
And he was threatening white
voters with a gun and yelling,
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00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:05,457
"he ur!"
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00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:08,894
Very disturbing.
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00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:13,165
And apparently there was a huge
increase in what people call
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stacking, where multiple
children will stack on top of
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00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:23,209
each other under a trench coat
and then vote as an adult.
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00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:31,283
Wow, fantastic
journalism, janeane.
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00:02:31,284 --> 00:02:32,284
Duh.
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00:02:32,285 --> 00:02:37,290
Of course I have to take a
moment to thank my sponsors,
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00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:49,369
the few remaining businesses
that are willing to be
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associated with me.
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00:02:56,442 --> 00:03:00,479
Starting with fashion catheters.
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Got poor control
but great style?
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00:03:06,986 --> 00:03:08,654
Fashion catheters.
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00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:11,189
Now with genuine
swarovski crystals.
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Ouch.
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00:03:12,191 --> 00:03:15,093
And is your dog
still not baptized?
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00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:19,197
Then order reverend Whitaker's
home dog baptism kit.
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Because all dogs don't go to
heaven unless they're properly
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00:03:22,902 --> 00:03:24,236
baptized.
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00:03:24,237 --> 00:03:26,238
And only want the
healthy part of the egg?
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00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:28,006
Try whites only.
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It's egg whites and
it's just for us.
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00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:35,647
Alright my next guest has been
under intense scrutiny for
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00:03:35,648 --> 00:03:39,284
letting Russians use his website
to spread lies about candidates.
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00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:42,054
Please welcome Facebook
ceo Mark Zuckerberg.
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00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:46,325
Hey Laura, it's
great to be here.
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00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:49,227
Smile two, three, four.
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Mark, are you comfortable?
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00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:54,166
Why are you holding
your arms like that?
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Because when I practiced it
earlier, there was a table.
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00:03:56,436 --> 00:03:57,403
Intense.
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00:03:57,404 --> 00:04:02,408
Now, Mark, what about the story
that fox had a smear campaign
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00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:09,581
with George soros, seen
here in this photo,
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00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:13,352
did you know about
that campaign?
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00:04:13,353 --> 00:04:15,420
Absolutely not, Laura.
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00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:16,655
Blink twice, eyeballs.
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00:04:16,656 --> 00:04:21,661
The idea we employed a horrible
company makes me laugh -- ha,
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00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:27,499
ha, ha.
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00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,067
Good job.
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00:04:29,068 --> 00:04:33,739
People say my laugh is chilling.
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00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:37,576
And how are you adjusting to
demands for Facebook to become
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00:04:37,577 --> 00:04:39,511
more transparent?
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00:04:39,512 --> 00:04:41,146
I can't be anymore transparent.
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00:04:41,147 --> 00:04:43,115
Have you seen my skin?
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Ha, ha, ha.
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If I were more transparent,
I would be clear.
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Seriously, I kid.
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I think the problem is when
I do bad things, I get money.
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Ha, ha, ha.
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Thank you, Mark.
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Democrats will soon be deciding
who's going to be the speaker of
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00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:00,666
the house.
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00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:06,338
Here to comment is diverse
congresswoman from Ohio,
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00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:10,008
please welcome
representative marcia fudge.
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00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:12,344
Hi, Laura, thank
you for having me.
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00:05:12,345 --> 00:05:14,780
Congresswoman fudge, you're
challenging Nancy pelosi for
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00:05:14,781 --> 00:05:15,781
speaker of the house.
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00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:18,350
Why do you think she has to go?
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00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:20,419
Nancy pelosi is tainted.
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00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:23,021
For years the gop has
used her name against us.
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00:05:23,022 --> 00:05:25,724
But Republicans could never
find a way to make fun of me,
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00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:27,793
a middle-aged black
woman named fudge.
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00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:29,795
No, definitely not.
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00:05:29,796 --> 00:05:35,567
And do you think Nancy pelosi,
seen here in the recent document
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00:05:35,568 --> 00:05:40,472
about her, "the nun," do you
think she would really give up
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00:05:40,473 --> 00:05:43,208
the chance to be
speaker of the house?
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00:05:43,209 --> 00:05:46,645
Look, I love Nancy pelosi and
I'm not saying she's old but her
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00:05:46,646 --> 00:05:49,781
baby sister is a redwood tree.
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00:05:49,782 --> 00:05:52,884
When she started the trial,
she was speaker of the cave.
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00:05:52,885 --> 00:05:55,220
Someone give me a microphone.
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00:05:55,221 --> 00:05:57,223
This bitch is so old, when she
was born, the doctors said,
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00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:03,995
it's the first girl!
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00:06:03,996 --> 00:06:09,367
She just calls the old
testament, the testament.
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00:06:09,368 --> 00:06:11,670
She's so old, her
birthstone is rosetta!
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00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:16,775
Okay, I think we
understand, marcia.
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00:06:16,776 --> 00:06:18,043
Okay, I'm done.
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00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:21,146
And the other reason
I should be speaker,
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00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:23,515
is that I can help
mobilize the black vote.
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00:06:23,516 --> 00:06:26,718
Uh-oh.
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00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:30,422
The phrase "mobilize the black
vote" has set off our fox news
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00:06:30,423 --> 00:06:32,524
"the country is
changing" alarms.
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00:06:32,525 --> 00:06:35,026
Marcia, what do
you think of that?
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00:06:35,027 --> 00:06:37,162
I think that you're lucky
we in a remote interview.
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00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:40,499
Cause if I was there in person,
I would knock the fudge out of
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00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:41,500
you.
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00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:45,537
Well -- alright, let's take
a break and hear from our
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00:06:45,538 --> 00:06:46,538
sponsors.
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00:06:46,539 --> 00:06:48,340
Like teeny tiny turkeys.
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00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:51,276
Have you alienated
everyone in your life?
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00:06:51,277 --> 00:06:54,713
Have Thanksgiving for one
with a teeny tiny Turkey.
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00:06:54,714 --> 00:06:57,149
We swear it ain't a pigeon.
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00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:58,583
And cash for organs.
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00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:00,585
You don't need all those organs.
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00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:02,821
Plus, Volkswagen: You know why.
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00:07:02,822 --> 00:07:07,759
And when we come back, part
two of my interview with the
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00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,027
self-proclaimed vape god.
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00:07:09,028 --> 00:07:11,630
A real person I had on my show.
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00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:13,899
Y'all what up.
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00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:17,335
I'm ready to talk politics
and rip some fat clouds.
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00:07:17,336 --> 00:07:19,805
And you're not
trolling me, right?
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00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:22,541
You're a real expert
on e-cig laws?
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00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:23,542
Oh for sure.
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00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:24,543
I got that swag.
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00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:25,544
I got that drip.
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00:07:25,545 --> 00:07:28,380
And our producers
have fully vetted you?
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00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:31,283
Because we bumped supreme court
justice Clarence Thomas to speak
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00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,284
with you.
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00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,485
Then you made the right choice.
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00:07:33,486 --> 00:07:35,153
My puff puff game dilly dilly.
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00:07:35,154 --> 00:07:36,154
Wow.
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00:07:36,155 --> 00:07:39,157
Finally a millennial who's
speaking my language.
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00:07:39,158 --> 00:07:42,160
Much more with that
gentleman when we return.
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00:07:42,161 --> 00:07:43,161
I'll have my dong out.
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00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:46,698
I can't wait.
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00:07:46,699 --> 00:07:51,704
And live from New York,
it's Saturday night.
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00:07:56,375 --> 00:08:00,011
I can't wait.
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00:08:00,012 --> 00:08:05,017
And live from New York,
it's Saturday night.
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00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:15,727
announcer: It's
"Saturday night live"!
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00:08:15,728 --> 00:08:20,733
With -- Beck Bennett,
aidy Bryant, Michael che,
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00:08:25,404 --> 00:08:30,409
Pete Davidson, Mikey day,
Leslie Jones, Colin jost,
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00:08:35,114 --> 00:08:40,086
Kate McKinnon, Alex moffat,
Kyle mooney, cecily strong,
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00:08:44,790 --> 00:08:49,628
kenan Thompson,
Melissa villasenor.
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00:08:49,629 --> 00:08:54,600
Featuring -- Heidi gardner,
ego nwodim, Chris redd,
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00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:05,343
musical guest -- Ella mai.
158
00:09:05,344 --> 00:09:10,349
And your host -- Steve carell.
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00:09:12,618 --> 00:09:17,590
Ladies and gentlemen
-- Steve carell.
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00:09:19,859 --> 00:09:21,059
Hi!
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00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:26,065
Thank you very much, thank you!
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00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:33,339
Hello, I am so excited
to be here tonight.
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00:09:39,211 --> 00:09:44,216
This is my third time hosting
"SNL" and -- thank you.
164
00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:57,362
It's been a while.
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00:09:57,363 --> 00:10:03,635
It's been ten years.
166
00:10:03,636 --> 00:10:05,670
And I have been pretty
busy doing movies.
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00:10:05,671 --> 00:10:07,739
I actually have one
coming out soon.
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00:10:07,740 --> 00:10:11,309
Steve, can I ask a question?
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00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:13,645
Yeah, okay.
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00:10:13,646 --> 00:10:15,613
I guess we're doing
questions, sure.
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00:10:15,614 --> 00:10:17,248
First of all, big fan.
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00:10:17,249 --> 00:10:18,450
I love all of your movies.
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00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:19,784
Oh, thank you.
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00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:22,921
My question is, will you
ever reboot "the office"?
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00:10:22,922 --> 00:10:26,157
No, actually, I don't think so.
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00:10:26,158 --> 00:10:27,359
It was a great experience.
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00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,395
I love all of those people but I
just don't think it is the best
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00:10:30,396 --> 00:10:31,396
idea.
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00:10:31,397 --> 00:10:33,398
I think maybe we should
just leave it alone.
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00:10:33,399 --> 00:10:34,399
Okay.
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00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:35,433
Next question.
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00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:37,068
Oh, yeah.
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00:10:37,069 --> 00:10:38,069
Hey, Steve.
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00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:39,070
Hey.
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00:10:39,071 --> 00:10:43,441
Are you kenan or are you
playing a fake audience member?
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00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:44,476
I'm kenan.
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00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,811
Believe me, dude, if I was
acting, you would know it.
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00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:51,616
Anyway, I just wanted say I also
think you should reboot "the
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00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:52,851
office." Thanks, okay.
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00:10:52,852 --> 00:10:54,853
But you know what, it would be
like if someone wanted you to
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00:10:54,854 --> 00:10:55,854
reboot "kenan and kel." right?
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00:10:55,855 --> 00:10:56,855
That would be an honor.
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00:10:56,856 --> 00:11:01,827
Well fine, but for me, I just
don't think it would be as good
194
00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:11,169
this time around.
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00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:13,171
I think the fans
would be let down.
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00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:18,177
But thank you.
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00:11:21,213 --> 00:11:26,218
Next question.
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00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:38,563
Yeah, hi, Steve -- oh, hi!
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00:11:38,564 --> 00:11:39,898
Ellie kemper, wow, hi!
200
00:11:39,899 --> 00:11:40,899
Hi.
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00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:43,201
People would really love
too see an "office" reboot.
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00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:44,202
Yes.
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00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,437
That's what I mean.
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00:11:45,438 --> 00:11:46,704
I need that money!
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00:11:46,705 --> 00:11:47,806
Let's get that money, Steve!
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00:11:47,807 --> 00:11:51,443
I'm sorry, Ellie, I just
don't think it's a good idea.
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00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:52,444
You're a jerk.
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00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,445
Okay.
209
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:54,446
Ed!
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00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:55,447
Ed, ed helms, hi!
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00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:56,448
Ed!
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00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:57,449
Wow!
213
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:58,450
It's so great to see you.
214
00:11:58,451 --> 00:11:59,451
It's great to see you too.
215
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:02,087
I just don't think you
understand just how much money
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00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:03,088
we're talking about.
217
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:07,125
Like you wouldn't have to do
all of those sad movies anymore.
218
00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:11,596
I don't do those movies for
money, I like doing them.
219
00:12:11,597 --> 00:12:14,632
Yeah, but you could all
make some serious money.
220
00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:15,633
Okay.
221
00:12:15,634 --> 00:12:17,869
You're an audience member,
this isn't about you.
222
00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:21,372
And, ed, why don't we
just have a party instead?
223
00:12:21,373 --> 00:12:23,942
We can all catch
up, get together.
224
00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:25,477
No cameras, just friends?
225
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:26,878
Oh, we already do that.
226
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:28,746
We just don't invite you.
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00:12:28,747 --> 00:12:29,747
Okay, wow.
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00:12:29,748 --> 00:12:30,748
Thanks, man.
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00:12:30,749 --> 00:12:37,655
Steve -- Jenna!
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00:12:37,656 --> 00:12:42,427
My god!
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00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:48,566
Steve, do you remember the
last words that Pam secretly
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00:12:48,567 --> 00:12:51,736
whispered to Michael
as she left for Denver?
233
00:12:51,737 --> 00:12:52,737
Not really.
234
00:12:52,738 --> 00:12:53,738
Okay.
235
00:12:53,739 --> 00:12:58,476
She said, "Steve, don't be dick,
do the reboot." I don't remember
236
00:12:58,477 --> 00:12:59,477
that at all.
237
00:12:59,478 --> 00:13:00,512
Well I do.
238
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:03,348
Don't you want to see what Pam
and Jeff are up to these days?
239
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:04,349
It's Pam and Jim.
240
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:05,383
Who cares?
241
00:13:05,384 --> 00:13:07,385
Why are you getting
hung up on the details.
242
00:13:07,386 --> 00:13:08,653
Let's just do the damn thing.
243
00:13:08,654 --> 00:13:11,356
No, please -- honey, honey.
244
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:16,227
Oh, it's my wife,
Nancy, and my kids.
245
00:13:16,228 --> 00:13:17,428
Hi, guy!
246
00:13:17,429 --> 00:13:21,699
Annie and Johnny
and Nancy, say hi.
247
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:22,700
Hi.
248
00:13:22,701 --> 00:13:25,870
We think you should
probably do the show.
249
00:13:25,871 --> 00:13:27,872
Honey, I just don't want to
spend that much time away from
250
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:28,873
you guys.
251
00:13:28,874 --> 00:13:32,010
Well, we don't really need you
to hang around anymore, right,
252
00:13:32,011 --> 00:13:33,011
kids?
253
00:13:33,012 --> 00:13:34,412
We're good.
254
00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:35,413
Are you serious?
255
00:13:35,414 --> 00:13:36,414
Yeah, we're fine.
256
00:13:36,415 --> 00:13:37,415
No problem.
257
00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:39,784
Hey, you guys want to go?
258
00:13:39,785 --> 00:13:41,019
Let's go.
259
00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:46,558
Are you not even going
to watch the show?
260
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:49,027
No, see you later.
261
00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:50,895
Okay, all right.
262
00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:52,130
Well, thanks.
263
00:13:52,131 --> 00:13:56,434
Feels like everybody
wants this to happen.
264
00:13:56,435 --> 00:14:01,973
Do you guys want to
see an "office" reboot?
265
00:14:01,974 --> 00:14:05,043
Come on up on stage.
266
00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:06,578
All right.
267
00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:07,612
No, no, not you.
268
00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:10,548
You're not part of this.
269
00:14:10,549 --> 00:14:14,852
All right, I'm proud to announce
officially that we have a great
270
00:14:14,853 --> 00:14:15,853
show tonight!
271
00:14:15,854 --> 00:14:16,955
Ella mai is here.
272
00:14:16,956 --> 00:14:20,525
So stick around, and
we'll be right back!
273
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:25,497
Kids, kids, wake up.
274
00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:48,019
I have big news!
275
00:14:48,020 --> 00:14:50,755
Dad, it's 5:00 in the morning.
276
00:14:50,756 --> 00:14:52,223
Why is dad in here?
277
00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:55,326
Because it's time for
you to pack your bags.
278
00:14:55,327 --> 00:14:58,162
We're going to Disney world.
279
00:14:58,163 --> 00:14:59,564
Disney world!
280
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,800
Oh, that's so nice, but you
don't have to cheer us up.
281
00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:04,802
We already know
that mom's leaving.
282
00:15:04,803 --> 00:15:06,738
She what?
283
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:08,773
Don't worry.
284
00:15:08,774 --> 00:15:10,875
Yeah, we're fine with it.
285
00:15:10,876 --> 00:15:13,077
It's okay, we've known
for a really long time.
286
00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:14,279
What are you talking about?
287
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:16,648
Oh, my god, does he not know?
288
00:15:16,649 --> 00:15:18,883
No, no, no, no, he has to know.
289
00:15:18,884 --> 00:15:21,085
He would be an idiot
if he didn't know.
290
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:22,387
The whole town knows.
291
00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:23,554
It's in the newspaper.
292
00:15:23,555 --> 00:15:29,160
The messed-up part is dad is the
one that introduced each of them
293
00:15:29,161 --> 00:15:31,062
to one another?
294
00:15:31,063 --> 00:15:32,063
What?
295
00:15:32,064 --> 00:15:33,064
What's happening?
296
00:15:33,065 --> 00:15:37,068
Oh, my god, is he that dumb?
297
00:15:37,069 --> 00:15:38,069
Yeah.
298
00:15:38,070 --> 00:15:40,171
He didn't even notice
when the cat ran away,
299
00:15:40,172 --> 00:15:42,340
we replaced it with a dog.
300
00:15:42,341 --> 00:15:43,341
What?
301
00:15:43,342 --> 00:15:44,375
My cat.
302
00:15:44,376 --> 00:15:45,610
What is wrong with him?
303
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:46,611
Have some respect.
304
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:49,080
I am your father --
mine, not technically.
305
00:15:49,081 --> 00:15:50,381
What does that mean?
306
00:15:50,382 --> 00:15:55,920
I mean, how can we know all of
this it and our dad has no idea.
307
00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:57,755
You mean your dad!
308
00:15:57,756 --> 00:16:03,728
All right, how about this, why
don't you tell me what the hell
309
00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:09,701
is going on here and I will
still take you to Disney world.
310
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:12,437
We were just at Disney world.
311
00:16:12,438 --> 00:16:13,438
You were?
312
00:16:13,439 --> 00:16:15,206
Yeah, for Jeremy's birthday.
313
00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:16,207
Me.
314
00:16:16,208 --> 00:16:17,342
Does he not know our names?
315
00:16:17,343 --> 00:16:18,743
Wait, wait.
316
00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:21,245
If you were at
Disney, where was I?
317
00:16:21,246 --> 00:16:25,683
We assumed you were coming but
then we realized mom didn't
318
00:16:25,684 --> 00:16:26,684
invite you.
319
00:16:26,685 --> 00:16:30,288
And and we were like why are we
at Disney world with dad's boss?
320
00:16:30,289 --> 00:16:33,591
Yeah, is dad as boss Ron going
to be with us the whole trip?
321
00:16:33,592 --> 00:16:36,194
It was pretty clear he and
mom were sleeping together.
322
00:16:36,195 --> 00:16:40,965
I'm so confused, I
can scream right now.
323
00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:43,167
Actually, why are we whispering?
324
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:45,903
I don't want to
wake up your mother.
325
00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:48,506
Dad, she's definitely not here.
326
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:49,507
What?
327
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:52,610
Yeah, she's been
gone for a month.
328
00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:58,549
She lives in Arizona with Ron,
and in four days, so will we.
329
00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:01,753
Oh, I'd love to go to Arizona.
330
00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:04,188
I've never seen the ocean.
331
00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:08,326
Dad, and I mean this, what
the hell is wrong with you?
332
00:17:08,327 --> 00:17:09,327
Okay.
333
00:17:09,328 --> 00:17:10,328
Okay.
334
00:17:10,329 --> 00:17:15,900
Listen, I have something
to tell you guys.
335
00:17:15,901 --> 00:17:18,069
Things haven't been
going well with your mom.
336
00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:21,239
I think she might
be cheating on me.
337
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,008
Oh, man, I can't do this again.
338
00:17:24,009 --> 00:17:26,043
Maybe with my friend Dave.
339
00:17:26,044 --> 00:17:27,044
It's Ron!
340
00:17:27,045 --> 00:17:28,045
Ron!
341
00:17:28,046 --> 00:17:29,047
Shh, don't wake up Ron.
342
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,048
But I'm giving up.
343
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:32,049
Because you kids
are four miracles.
344
00:17:32,050 --> 00:17:33,551
You're my miracles.
345
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:37,321
Especially since your mother
and I have only done it twice.
346
00:17:37,322 --> 00:17:39,624
All right, dad, I
think that's enough.
347
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:41,793
Okay, you're right.
348
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,261
I'm going to go to bed.
349
00:17:43,262 --> 00:17:44,729
I have a big day today.
350
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:47,865
Gonna surprise my kids
with a trip to Disney!
351
00:17:47,866 --> 00:17:52,871
And now a message from
Amazon's ceo Jeff bezos.
352
00:17:58,844 --> 00:18:00,144
Hi, everyone.
353
00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:04,248
As you know, Amazon just
announced the location of its
354
00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:07,485
two new headquarters in
New York and Virginia.
355
00:18:07,486 --> 00:18:11,322
And everyone, except for the
people who live there and the
356
00:18:11,323 --> 00:18:14,392
people who live in all of
the places we didn't choose,
357
00:18:14,393 --> 00:18:15,393
is thrilled.
358
00:18:15,394 --> 00:18:19,797
Some folks have speculated that
I was somehow trolling President
359
00:18:19,798 --> 00:18:22,133
Trump by building one
headquarters in his hometown of
360
00:18:22,134 --> 00:18:25,603
queens and the other in his
current residence of Washington,
361
00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:30,608
D.C., thereby overshadowing
or humiliating him.
362
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:32,844
But that's simply not true.
363
00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:35,980
Sure, he attacked me
repeatedly on Twitter,
364
00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:39,183
but I chose our new locations
because they were ideal for a
365
00:18:39,184 --> 00:18:42,653
growing business, not just to
make Donald Trump think about
366
00:18:42,654 --> 00:18:44,922
how I'm literally 100
times richer than he is.
367
00:18:44,923 --> 00:18:50,061
We needed access to a
young, educated workforce,
368
00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:52,763
which is why we set up a
satellite office in palm beach,
369
00:18:52,764 --> 00:18:55,266
Florida, across the
street from mar-a-lago.
370
00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:58,035
And did I purchase
"the Washington post"?
371
00:18:58,036 --> 00:18:59,036
Sure.
372
00:18:59,037 --> 00:19:01,038
But it wasn't just to run
headlines like the White House
373
00:19:01,039 --> 00:19:03,774
is in a meltdown or lawyers
suing "the apprentice" for
374
00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:05,843
President Trump's
use of the n-word.
375
00:19:05,844 --> 00:19:07,845
And I also like
the style section.
376
00:19:07,846 --> 00:19:13,451
But the real reason I wanted to
talk to you today has nothing to
377
00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:16,254
do with Donald Trump, who
publicly attacked our company
378
00:19:16,255 --> 00:19:18,122
for exploiting the post office.
379
00:19:18,123 --> 00:19:21,492
I'm here to announce a brand-new
delivery option that doesn't
380
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:25,730
involve the post office
at all, Amazon caravan.
381
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:28,633
Any package going to Trump's
building will get delivered by
382
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:32,570
hundreds of Honduran immigrants
and I will pick up the bill.
383
00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:35,773
Unless you order this book,
because that costs more I guess
384
00:19:35,774 --> 00:19:37,074
it's heavier.
385
00:19:37,075 --> 00:19:40,579
I guess that's the only
book with four chapter 11s.
386
00:19:45,317 --> 00:19:49,620
Testing has shown customers find
drones scary and impersonal.
387
00:19:49,621 --> 00:19:53,457
That's why I'm outfitting each
and every drone with human hair.
388
00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:56,294
The style of the hair
was completely random.
389
00:19:56,295 --> 00:19:58,729
I just wanted something that
looked so silly and everybody
390
00:19:58,730 --> 00:20:01,365
knew it was fake and the drove
should just give up and shave
391
00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:04,335
his head like a real man would.
392
00:20:04,336 --> 00:20:08,139
And I want to make sure to give
back to the new communities for
393
00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:09,140
joining.
394
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:11,776
That's why I'm purchasing a
building in queens that used to
395
00:20:11,777 --> 00:20:15,012
be the crown Jewel of Fred
Trump's real estate empire and
396
00:20:15,013 --> 00:20:17,014
converting it into
public urinals.
397
00:20:17,015 --> 00:20:20,284
And in Virginia, we'll be very
close to Arlington national
398
00:20:20,285 --> 00:20:24,355
cemetery so we can pay our
respect to fallen veterans,
399
00:20:24,356 --> 00:20:25,623
even when it's raining outside.
400
00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:31,762
Thanks to Mr. Trump, Amazon's
future is brighter than ever.
401
00:20:31,763 --> 00:20:36,768
This has been a
sickburn by Jeff bezos.
402
00:21:03,395 --> 00:21:06,631
Oh, my goodness, the food
looks and smells amazing.
403
00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:07,632
Charles, you made it.
404
00:21:07,633 --> 00:21:08,799
Stop fishing for compliments.
405
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,434
Well it does look great.
406
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:11,435
Yeah, what are we waiting for?
407
00:21:11,436 --> 00:21:12,436
Let's eat.
408
00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:13,437
Hey.
409
00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:14,438
Hey.
410
00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:15,439
Hey, listen.
411
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,441
Thanks for letting me tag
along to friendsgiving.
412
00:21:17,442 --> 00:21:18,442
Hey, I'm a straggler too.
413
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:20,444
That's what neighbors are for.
414
00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:21,512
Yeah, I second that.
415
00:21:21,513 --> 00:21:24,015
I'm secretly kind of happy that
my flight was canceled because
416
00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:27,451
I'm afraid of my parents
dog, like a poodle wolf,
417
00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:29,453
knocks me down,
and dominates me.
418
00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:32,523
That's weird.
419
00:21:32,524 --> 00:21:34,525
You know what I've
been thinking about,
420
00:21:34,526 --> 00:21:36,527
there are no Thanksgiving songs.
421
00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:37,528
Are there none?
422
00:21:37,529 --> 00:21:38,529
There are some.
423
00:21:38,530 --> 00:21:40,531
What about "coming
around the mountain"?
424
00:21:40,532 --> 00:21:46,637
Yeah right.
425
00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:47,638
Like the rock song.
426
00:21:47,639 --> 00:21:48,639
Yeah.
427
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:49,640
Yeah.
428
00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:50,641
Yeah.
429
00:21:50,642 --> 00:21:52,777
I guess that proves there's
no famous Thanksgiving songs.
430
00:21:52,778 --> 00:21:54,578
No, no.
431
00:21:54,579 --> 00:21:57,314
This one's famous.
432
00:21:57,315 --> 00:21:59,583
You know it.
433
00:21:59,584 --> 00:22:05,222
Caught his eye on Turkey day
as we both make pumpkin pie she
434
00:22:05,223 --> 00:22:10,528
flashed a little smile my way
can she tell I am shy Yes,
435
00:22:10,529 --> 00:22:11,529
that's it, yes!
436
00:22:11,530 --> 00:22:12,530
Yeah.
437
00:22:12,531 --> 00:22:14,532
No, I definitely
don't know that one.
438
00:22:14,533 --> 00:22:16,033
Why don't we just eat?
439
00:22:16,034 --> 00:22:17,868
No, no, you know it.
440
00:22:17,869 --> 00:22:22,206
Hey, you sing the girl parts,
and I'll sing the guy parts.
441
00:22:22,207 --> 00:22:25,843
Great, yeah, we'll sing it,
and then they'll know it.
442
00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:26,844
Yeah.
443
00:22:26,845 --> 00:22:28,412
You don't have to do this.
444
00:22:28,413 --> 00:22:30,214
We don't need to know.
445
00:22:30,215 --> 00:22:35,686
I took his hand she took my hand
we walked into the shed you two
446
00:22:35,687 --> 00:22:37,121
don't know each other?
447
00:22:37,122 --> 00:22:38,122
No.
448
00:22:38,123 --> 00:22:42,226
Our clothes came off we never
said a word my thing got scared
449
00:22:42,227 --> 00:22:46,230
and my face god red This
is not a Thanksgiving song.
450
00:22:46,231 --> 00:22:48,032
Why, what do you mean?
451
00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:51,335
No, well, it takes
place on Turkey day,
452
00:22:51,336 --> 00:22:56,474
it's actually kind of a --
together: Cool, sad story.
453
00:22:56,475 --> 00:22:58,008
His thing got scared?
454
00:22:58,009 --> 00:22:59,143
Yeah, cause he's shy.
455
00:22:59,144 --> 00:23:00,144
Yeah.
456
00:23:00,145 --> 00:23:01,145
Yeah.
457
00:23:01,146 --> 00:23:03,114
Okay, we trust you, it's that
famous Thanksgiving rock song.
458
00:23:03,115 --> 00:23:05,216
You know what, you'd know it
if you like heard the music.
459
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:06,217
Oh, you know what?
460
00:23:06,218 --> 00:23:08,686
I saw a synthesizer in the
closet when I was hanging up my
461
00:23:08,687 --> 00:23:09,687
coat.
462
00:23:09,688 --> 00:23:10,688
Okay.
463
00:23:10,689 --> 00:23:12,690
You know what, I don't think
that has any batteries actually.
464
00:23:12,691 --> 00:23:13,691
I have double as right here.
465
00:23:13,692 --> 00:23:14,692
Oh, great.
466
00:23:14,693 --> 00:23:16,560
Here we go.
467
00:23:16,561 --> 00:23:18,596
Are you ready?
468
00:23:18,597 --> 00:23:21,031
Yeah, yeah.
469
00:23:21,032 --> 00:23:26,037
side by side in the nude that's
how we spent our night never
470
00:23:30,208 --> 00:23:35,246
touching sometimes crying
pretending we're all right his
471
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:40,252
thing woke up for just a sec but
then got scared again the sun
472
00:23:42,621 --> 00:23:49,326
came up the squirrel watching we
laughed and cried again then --
473
00:23:49,327 --> 00:23:50,761
yeah, there's a spoken part.
474
00:23:50,762 --> 00:23:51,762
Spoken part.
475
00:23:51,763 --> 00:23:53,130
It's morning, I have to go.
476
00:23:53,131 --> 00:23:54,565
But I'm embarrassed.
477
00:23:54,566 --> 00:23:55,633
I failed you!
478
00:23:55,634 --> 00:23:56,934
Are they German?
479
00:23:56,935 --> 00:24:00,004
Yeah, they don't even
have Thanksgiving there.
480
00:24:00,005 --> 00:24:01,405
You didn't fail me.
481
00:24:01,406 --> 00:24:04,074
You tried your best,
and I love you.
482
00:24:04,075 --> 00:24:05,075
Goodbye!
483
00:24:05,076 --> 00:24:08,712
Wait, wait, wait,
what's your name?
484
00:24:08,713 --> 00:24:09,713
Wow!
485
00:24:09,714 --> 00:24:12,683
What a Turkey day night!
486
00:24:12,684 --> 00:24:17,689
I never saw her face again and
she never saw his thing now
487
00:24:20,992 --> 00:24:26,096
every Turkey day that comes they
have this cool rock song to sing
488
00:24:26,097 --> 00:24:27,698
so you know this?
489
00:24:27,699 --> 00:24:29,533
Yes, I guess I do!
490
00:24:29,534 --> 00:24:32,269
Oh wait, is it this?
491
00:24:32,270 --> 00:24:38,209
Now every Turkey day that comes
they think of how they missed
492
00:24:38,210 --> 00:24:45,149
their chance our lives are short
our love is real now we do the
493
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:52,089
Turkey dance our lives are short
and love is real now we do the
494
00:24:52,090 --> 00:24:53,591
Turkey dance Oh!
495
00:24:53,592 --> 00:24:56,193
I can't believe we
all knew that song.
496
00:24:56,194 --> 00:25:02,766
Or maybe it was just the
magic of Thanksgiving.
497
00:25:02,767 --> 00:25:06,570
Wait, where did she go?
498
00:25:06,571 --> 00:25:08,339
She's gone.
499
00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:09,473
Just like the song.
500
00:25:09,474 --> 00:25:12,309
Where did your friend go, Beth?
501
00:25:12,310 --> 00:25:13,310
She wasn't with me.
502
00:25:13,311 --> 00:25:14,311
I thought you knew her.
503
00:25:14,312 --> 00:25:15,312
No.
504
00:25:15,313 --> 00:25:17,948
Well, she was the
love of my life.
505
00:25:17,949 --> 00:25:21,986
Well, our car keys are gone.
506
00:25:21,987 --> 00:25:25,856
And didn't you have a TV there?
507
00:25:25,857 --> 00:25:28,626
I think she stabbed me!
508
00:25:28,627 --> 00:25:31,962
Does that look like a stab?
509
00:25:31,963 --> 00:25:33,063
It does.
510
00:25:33,064 --> 00:25:39,703
Life is short and love is rare
Stop singing, call the police!
511
00:25:39,704 --> 00:25:44,675
We do the Turkey dance
I' bleeding real bad.
512
00:25:44,676 --> 00:25:46,343
I'm bleeding bad.
513
00:25:46,344 --> 00:25:47,344
Oh.
514
00:25:47,345 --> 00:25:50,214
Yo, this country man or woman.
515
00:25:50,215 --> 00:25:51,315
It's crazy.
516
00:25:51,316 --> 00:25:52,316
Crazy.
517
00:25:52,317 --> 00:25:56,587
You know there's only like one
lady holding the whole damn
518
00:25:56,588 --> 00:25:57,588
thing together, right?
519
00:25:57,589 --> 00:25:59,590
And you think some broken ribs
are going to keep her down?
520
00:25:59,591 --> 00:26:01,425
Hell no, and hell no.
521
00:26:01,426 --> 00:26:03,460
Live ginsburg and I ride.
522
00:26:03,461 --> 00:26:05,062
This is you, rbg.
523
00:26:05,063 --> 00:26:09,500
live ginsburg and I ride for
ginsburg okay live ginsburg for
524
00:26:09,501 --> 00:26:13,971
ginsburg okay live ginsburg and
I ride for ginsburg okay live
525
00:26:13,972 --> 00:26:18,809
ginsburg and I ride for ginsburg
okay live ginsburg and I ride
526
00:26:18,810 --> 00:26:23,647
for ginsburg her name's rbg
and she born in bk running the
527
00:26:23,648 --> 00:26:28,519
supreme court killing it since
33 she went to law school she
528
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:34,158
was first in her class if she
ever wants a date I plead the
529
00:26:34,159 --> 00:26:39,430
court on she was out there on
the strip okay telling Trump to
530
00:26:39,431 --> 00:26:40,631
Kiss my buns!
531
00:26:40,632 --> 00:26:44,668
fighting for women's rights
equal rights she the she work
532
00:26:44,669 --> 00:26:50,107
for presidents Jimmy Carter Bill
Clinton she's experienced as she
533
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:54,178
should be president because
I live ginsburg so I ride for
534
00:26:54,179 --> 00:26:55,612
ginsburg Where Brooklyn at?
535
00:26:55,613 --> 00:26:59,583
the court is the stage write
dissent that throws shade tell
536
00:26:59,584 --> 00:27:03,921
Trump stay out her way don't
with my roe v Wade Precedents.
537
00:27:03,922 --> 00:27:08,792
supreme courts a boys club she
holds it down no cares given who
538
00:27:08,793 --> 00:27:12,796
else got six movies about them
and still living she's brass
539
00:27:12,797 --> 00:27:17,234
knuckles tough her scared got to
be kidding pour one out for my
540
00:27:17,235 --> 00:27:20,471
retired homie Anthony Kennedy
survived the depression and
541
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:24,475
Twitter attacks from Trump
broken rib cage stop her before
542
00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:28,946
she eats that for lunch
now you know who I am.
543
00:27:28,947 --> 00:27:34,985
She snaps on these bars like the
gins at a bar exam ya putz live
544
00:27:34,986 --> 00:27:39,823
ginsburg and I ride for ginsburg
live ginsburg and I ride for
545
00:27:39,824 --> 00:27:42,126
ginsburg Now you
know we love rbg.
546
00:27:42,127 --> 00:27:44,561
Yo, tell them your
favorite rbg decision dog.
547
00:27:44,562 --> 00:27:50,601
I don't know.
548
00:27:50,602 --> 00:27:54,605
Come on!
549
00:27:54,606 --> 00:27:56,740
Man.
550
00:27:56,741 --> 00:27:58,742
Hello, earthlings
and happy space day.
551
00:27:58,743 --> 00:28:02,146
Captain ed mcgovern broadcasting
live from the international
552
00:28:02,147 --> 00:28:07,418
space station, to 5,000 k
through 8 science classrooms
553
00:28:07,419 --> 00:28:09,386
across the U.S.A.
554
00:28:09,387 --> 00:28:13,090
I'm joined by lieutenant
sussman and Becker.
555
00:28:13,091 --> 00:28:14,591
Hi.
556
00:28:14,592 --> 00:28:16,160
Hey!
557
00:28:16,161 --> 00:28:18,495
There's also some Russian
cosmonauts on board.
558
00:28:18,496 --> 00:28:19,496
Party up here.
559
00:28:19,497 --> 00:28:20,531
Let's get back to work.
560
00:28:20,532 --> 00:28:22,232
Get back to work, bums.
561
00:28:22,233 --> 00:28:23,233
Okay.
562
00:28:23,234 --> 00:28:24,234
Bye-bye.
563
00:28:24,235 --> 00:28:28,205
I can't wait to answer some of
your questions about space and
564
00:28:28,206 --> 00:28:29,206
science.
565
00:28:29,207 --> 00:28:31,608
Let's start with Paulson
middle skoo in Connecticut.
566
00:28:31,609 --> 00:28:37,114
Hi, what kind of experiments
are you doing up there?
567
00:28:37,115 --> 00:28:38,315
Great question.
568
00:28:38,316 --> 00:28:41,819
We are actually studying how
animals adapt to space and have
569
00:28:41,820 --> 00:28:46,056
funny monkeys out
here to help us out.
570
00:28:46,057 --> 00:28:50,160
Thank you for your
question, star student.
571
00:28:50,161 --> 00:28:56,166
Oh, next -- okay, god, mother
of -- oh, what happened?
572
00:28:56,167 --> 00:28:57,167
Sorry about that.
573
00:28:57,168 --> 00:28:58,168
What happened?
574
00:28:58,169 --> 00:29:00,270
There was an airlock
breach in the biolab.
575
00:29:00,271 --> 00:29:02,673
Got a little chilly in there
but everything is okay now.
576
00:29:02,674 --> 00:29:03,674
Are the animals all right?
577
00:29:03,675 --> 00:29:04,675
What's up?
578
00:29:04,676 --> 00:29:05,643
Are the animals all right?
579
00:29:05,644 --> 00:29:09,346
I need you right now.
580
00:29:09,347 --> 00:29:10,347
Yep.
581
00:29:10,348 --> 00:29:14,751
Well, I Apollo-gise about that.
582
00:29:14,752 --> 00:29:19,423
Let's get back to questions.
583
00:29:19,424 --> 00:29:21,859
How about tillman middle
school in laramie, Wyoming.
584
00:29:21,860 --> 00:29:26,663
Hi, this is Haley like the comet
and like eminem's daughter.
585
00:29:26,664 --> 00:29:30,300
Um, how big is
the space station?
586
00:29:30,301 --> 00:29:31,602
That's a great question.
587
00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:33,971
It's about 32,000 square feet.
588
00:29:33,972 --> 00:29:39,676
Now, down this way there is a
long corridor that wiepds into
589
00:29:39,677 --> 00:29:43,046
several work and
living stations.
590
00:29:43,047 --> 00:29:48,085
Kind of like a floating
hamster habitat.
591
00:29:48,086 --> 00:29:53,423
Thanks, Haley, make sure
you comet to your studies.
592
00:29:53,424 --> 00:29:56,994
Okay, let's go to orchard
middle school in Ohio.
593
00:29:56,995 --> 00:30:03,000
Hi, my students and I wanted to
ask how you guys make food up
594
00:30:03,001 --> 00:30:05,235
there but we'd like to
change our question to,
595
00:30:05,236 --> 00:30:07,237
is that frozen monkey okay?
596
00:30:07,238 --> 00:30:09,206
What monkey?
597
00:30:09,207 --> 00:30:10,207
Oh.
598
00:30:10,208 --> 00:30:11,208
Oh!
599
00:30:11,209 --> 00:30:13,377
This little guy, it's capooka.
600
00:30:13,378 --> 00:30:14,378
What are you doing?
601
00:30:14,379 --> 00:30:17,414
Yikes, he is cold!
602
00:30:17,415 --> 00:30:18,615
Wave hello, to everybody.
603
00:30:18,616 --> 00:30:20,984
Hang on -- oh, my god!
604
00:30:20,985 --> 00:30:22,819
Oh, my god!
605
00:30:22,820 --> 00:30:24,054
Oh, god!
606
00:30:24,055 --> 00:30:26,523
No, no, no, no.
607
00:30:26,524 --> 00:30:28,358
Okay, good-bye, capooka!
608
00:30:28,359 --> 00:30:34,264
Teachers out there, if you can
mute your classroom TV for just
609
00:30:34,265 --> 00:30:36,433
a sec while I attend
to some space business,
610
00:30:36,434 --> 00:30:37,434
that would be great.
611
00:30:37,435 --> 00:30:39,136
So hit mute now.
612
00:30:39,137 --> 00:30:41,138
Sussman, what's going
on with the monkeys?
613
00:30:41,139 --> 00:30:42,139
They all froze.
614
00:30:42,140 --> 00:30:43,140
They all froze?
615
00:30:43,141 --> 00:30:45,309
They all froze?
616
00:30:45,310 --> 00:30:49,012
Yeah, ki chi hit a
wall and shattered.
617
00:30:49,013 --> 00:30:50,914
Oh, ki chi and the cat?
618
00:30:50,915 --> 00:30:55,920
The cat is weird, the pressure
change like caused its face to
619
00:31:00,291 --> 00:31:02,626
suck into itself.
620
00:31:02,627 --> 00:31:08,098
It's really weird
good news, he's alive.
621
00:31:08,099 --> 00:31:11,201
That's not good news!
622
00:31:11,202 --> 00:31:17,474
There's a cat with no
face floating around!
623
00:31:17,475 --> 00:31:22,145
How bad is it down there?
624
00:31:22,146 --> 00:31:23,714
Come look.
625
00:31:23,715 --> 00:31:28,752
Cat ain't have no damn face.
626
00:31:28,753 --> 00:31:30,020
What do you want me to do?
627
00:31:30,021 --> 00:31:31,788
Just go seal off node four.
628
00:31:31,789 --> 00:31:33,423
And find Svetlana.
629
00:31:33,424 --> 00:31:34,424
Yes, sir.
630
00:31:34,425 --> 00:31:35,626
Oh, god!
631
00:31:35,627 --> 00:31:39,429
Please be aware of your feet.
632
00:31:39,430 --> 00:31:42,232
Shoes touched my mouth.
633
00:31:42,233 --> 00:31:43,233
Okay.
634
00:31:43,234 --> 00:31:44,234
Welcome back.
635
00:31:44,235 --> 00:31:46,203
Now, here's a fun fact.
636
00:31:46,204 --> 00:31:50,440
We are 234 miles above
the earth's surface.
637
00:31:50,441 --> 00:31:52,843
And the view isn't half bad.
638
00:31:52,844 --> 00:31:53,977
Come closer here.
639
00:31:53,978 --> 00:31:57,147
Let's take a look at that
beautiful blue marble.
640
00:31:57,148 --> 00:31:58,949
Look at that.
641
00:31:58,950 --> 00:32:00,717
Oh, my god!
642
00:32:00,718 --> 00:32:02,519
Oh, my god!
643
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:03,520
Svetlana!
644
00:32:03,521 --> 00:32:05,522
Oh, kids, don't worry.
645
00:32:05,523 --> 00:32:06,723
Don't worry.
646
00:32:06,724 --> 00:32:09,126
That cosmonaut is fine.
647
00:32:09,127 --> 00:32:13,297
The Russians are
used to being cold.
648
00:32:13,298 --> 00:32:16,300
Sussman, get on the crane.
649
00:32:16,301 --> 00:32:18,101
Oh, my god.
650
00:32:18,102 --> 00:32:21,672
She's so frozen,
she might break.
651
00:32:21,673 --> 00:32:24,074
Don't say, that please!
652
00:32:24,075 --> 00:32:30,781
Now, kids, what lieutenant
sussman is trying to do -- He's
653
00:32:30,782 --> 00:32:34,117
trying to give her just a little
nudge back towards the hatch.
654
00:32:34,118 --> 00:32:35,218
Oh, man!
655
00:32:35,219 --> 00:32:41,858
Sir, if I do get her, it's
going to be in pieces.
656
00:32:41,859 --> 00:32:45,729
Try harder, and don't
say that, please.
657
00:32:45,730 --> 00:32:51,301
I'm sorry, kids, this
is a bad day for space.
658
00:32:51,302 --> 00:32:52,270
Okay.
659
00:32:52,271 --> 00:32:53,271
Okay.
660
00:32:53,272 --> 00:32:55,105
Who wants to hear a space joke?
661
00:32:55,106 --> 00:32:57,074
What is an astronaut's
favorite drink?
662
00:32:57,075 --> 00:33:01,144
A root beer float!
663
00:33:01,145 --> 00:33:03,914
Oh, my god, she's
breaking like a saltine!
664
00:33:03,915 --> 00:33:08,920
Will you cut the god damn feed!
665
00:33:28,473 --> 00:33:33,478
Ladies and gentlemen, Ella mai.
666
00:33:39,917 --> 00:33:44,922
feelings so deep
in my feelings no,
667
00:33:58,636 --> 00:34:04,941
this ain't really like me can't
control my anxiety feeling,
668
00:34:04,942 --> 00:34:11,915
like I'm touching the ceiling
when I'm with you I can't
669
00:34:11,916 --> 00:34:16,921
breathe boy, you do something to
me now I'll never get over you
670
00:34:20,158 --> 00:34:25,163
until I find something new that
get me high like you do yeah
671
00:34:28,399 --> 00:34:33,404
yeah now I'll never get over you
until I find something new that
672
00:34:36,641 --> 00:34:41,646
get me high like you do
listen my to heart go ba-dum,
673
00:34:44,248 --> 00:34:50,620
boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd
up hear my heart go ba-dum,
674
00:34:50,621 --> 00:34:56,960
boo'd up biddy-da-dum it
just won't stop it go ba-dum,
675
00:34:56,961 --> 00:35:03,300
boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd
up hear my heart go ba-dum,
676
00:35:03,301 --> 00:35:07,737
boo'd up biddy-da-dum
it just won't stop,
677
00:35:07,738 --> 00:35:12,743
it go how many ways can I say
that I need you baby it's true I
678
00:35:17,882 --> 00:35:22,887
think I might die without you
feeling all over my body you
679
00:35:25,490 --> 00:35:30,495
know how I like it ain't
gotta tell you what to do,
680
00:35:33,097 --> 00:35:38,102
yeah yeah now I'll never get
over you until I find something
681
00:35:40,705 --> 00:35:45,775
new that get me
high like you do,
682
00:35:45,776 --> 00:35:50,781
yeah yeah now I'll never get
over you until I find something
683
00:35:53,384 --> 00:35:58,389
new that get me high like you
do listen my to heart go ba-dum,
684
00:36:02,293 --> 00:36:08,632
boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd
up hear my heart go ba-dum,
685
00:36:08,633 --> 00:36:14,971
boo'd up biddy-da-dum it just
won't stop, it go ba-dum,
686
00:36:14,972 --> 00:36:21,311
boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd
up hear my heart go ba-dum,
687
00:36:21,312 --> 00:36:25,749
boo'd up biddy-da-dum
it just won't stop,
688
00:36:25,750 --> 00:36:30,755
it go head over heels in love
right in front of you ain't
689
00:36:33,991 --> 00:36:38,996
gotta look no more baby I wanna
build this love and everything
690
00:36:41,599 --> 00:36:46,604
you want you ain't gotta
ask for you got me boo'd up,
691
00:36:49,206 --> 00:36:54,211
boo'd up told you from the jump
I'm the one to choose got me
692
00:36:58,082 --> 00:37:03,087
boo'd up, boo'd up grab me by
the waist baby pull me closer
693
00:37:06,357 --> 00:37:13,330
now I'll never get over until
I find something new that
694
00:37:13,331 --> 00:37:18,336
get me high like you do, yeah
yeah now I'll never get over you
695
00:37:22,206 --> 00:37:27,211
until I find something new that
get me high like you do listen
696
00:37:30,448 --> 00:37:35,518
my to heart go ba-dum,
boo'd up biddy-da-dum,
697
00:37:35,519 --> 00:37:39,956
boo'd up hear my
heart go ba-dum,
698
00:37:39,957 --> 00:37:46,296
boo'd up biddy-da-dum it just
won't stop, it go ba-dum,
699
00:37:46,297 --> 00:37:51,302
boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd up
hear my heart go ba-dum boo'd up
700
00:37:53,904 --> 00:38:00,877
biddy-da-dum it just won't stop,
it go It's "weekend update" with
701
00:38:00,878 --> 00:38:04,047
Colin jost and Michael che.
702
00:38:04,048 --> 00:38:05,949
What's up, everyone?
703
00:38:05,950 --> 00:38:11,154
Welcome to "weekend
update." I'm Colin jost.
704
00:38:11,155 --> 00:38:12,922
And I'm Michael che.
705
00:38:12,923 --> 00:38:17,727
Amazon has announced it will be
opening its second headquarters
706
00:38:17,728 --> 00:38:20,897
in queens, new York,
and Arlington, Virginia,
707
00:38:20,898 --> 00:38:25,001
after it accidently left
both cities in its cart.
708
00:38:25,002 --> 00:38:27,637
A lot of new yorkers are worried
about the impact Amazon will
709
00:38:27,638 --> 00:38:30,540
have on queens, but I'm more
worried about the impact queens
710
00:38:30,541 --> 00:38:32,543
will have on Amazon.
711
00:38:34,945 --> 00:38:37,814
By the way, only new yorkers
could complain about getting
712
00:38:37,815 --> 00:38:40,116
25,000 new jobs.
713
00:38:40,117 --> 00:38:43,086
All of the cities who lost out
must have been like "shut up you
714
00:38:43,087 --> 00:38:45,655
whiny bitches." We're
complaining about winning the
715
00:38:45,656 --> 00:38:48,725
lottery, meanwhile in like,
wheeling, West Virginia,
716
00:38:48,726 --> 00:38:49,726
they're like, "okay.
717
00:38:49,727 --> 00:38:54,164
Well, back to the mines." I
know it's going to raise housing
718
00:38:54,165 --> 00:38:58,835
prices in queens but it's a
little late for new yorkers to
719
00:38:58,836 --> 00:39:00,036
complain about rent.
720
00:39:00,037 --> 00:39:03,540
Even Amazon had to move to
queens because it couldn't
721
00:39:03,541 --> 00:39:07,143
afford to live in Manhattan.
722
00:39:07,144 --> 00:39:09,913
Election officials in Florida
said the ballot machines in
723
00:39:09,914 --> 00:39:11,915
Florida overheated
accounting for miscounts.
724
00:39:11,916 --> 00:39:14,384
Word, they overheated in 2018.
725
00:39:14,385 --> 00:39:19,390
I have a watch that counts every
step I take and let's me watch
726
00:39:23,060 --> 00:39:27,564
porno on the treadmill for
motivation but your voting
727
00:39:27,565 --> 00:39:29,566
machines can't handle
a little recount?
728
00:39:29,567 --> 00:39:32,268
How come the IRS doesn't
have these problems?
729
00:39:32,269 --> 00:39:34,871
I would love to hear we didn't
count your taxes this year
730
00:39:34,872 --> 00:39:37,974
because our abacus
is busted again.
731
00:39:37,975 --> 00:39:42,011
They make it so simple to pay
taxes but to vote we have to
732
00:39:42,012 --> 00:39:45,815
line up on a Tuesday in November
like geerting meat rations in
733
00:39:45,816 --> 00:39:46,816
the 1930s.
734
00:39:46,817 --> 00:39:51,654
A county in Florida became the
first local government in the
735
00:39:51,655 --> 00:39:55,525
state's history to elect
an all-lgbtq government.
736
00:39:55,526 --> 00:39:57,761
For more on this story, bring
it up to your grandpa at
737
00:39:57,762 --> 00:39:58,762
Thanksgiving.
738
00:39:58,763 --> 00:40:04,567
On Friday President Trump
held the presidential medal of
739
00:40:04,568 --> 00:40:08,204
freedom ceremony and
gave one to babe Ruth,
740
00:40:08,205 --> 00:40:10,940
because he knew that no living
baseball player would actually
741
00:40:10,941 --> 00:40:11,941
show up.
742
00:40:11,942 --> 00:40:13,977
Whose side are you on?
743
00:40:13,978 --> 00:40:15,044
Babe Ruth's?
744
00:40:15,045 --> 00:40:20,049
President Trump announced that
Republicans and democrats have
745
00:40:20,050 --> 00:40:22,051
agreed on a criminal
justice reform bill.
746
00:40:22,052 --> 00:40:24,053
You know, you can always tell
who a politician is conning by
747
00:40:24,054 --> 00:40:26,022
which minorities are
standing behind them.
748
00:40:26,023 --> 00:40:28,024
As soon as I saw the
black dudes there,
749
00:40:28,025 --> 00:40:30,026
I was like this is going
to be about prison.
750
00:40:30,027 --> 00:40:32,028
Anyway, this prison reform
is actually a good thing,
751
00:40:32,029 --> 00:40:34,030
which is confusing because
it's coming from Donald Trump,
752
00:40:34,031 --> 00:40:35,064
you know, Mr. Lock her up.
753
00:40:35,065 --> 00:40:37,066
Mr. Drug dealers should
get the death penalty.
754
00:40:37,067 --> 00:40:39,068
In execute the
central park five.
755
00:40:39,069 --> 00:40:41,070
Now all of a sudden he's
Johnnie Cochran somehow.
756
00:40:41,071 --> 00:40:43,072
I know this is a good thing but
this is coming from a bad place.
757
00:40:43,073 --> 00:40:45,074
Like when you buy baby
clothes from a crackhead.
758
00:40:45,075 --> 00:40:47,410
It's a good deal but at
the same time you're like,
759
00:40:47,411 --> 00:40:49,612
but this dude sells
close for a baby?
760
00:40:49,613 --> 00:40:53,817
Six weeks before the wikileaks
before Hillary Clinton's
761
00:40:53,818 --> 00:40:58,621
campaign, this man who I believe
runs a carnival, Roger stone,
762
00:40:58,622 --> 00:41:05,161
received a text that Hillary
Clinton's campaign is going to
763
00:41:05,162 --> 00:41:10,834
die this week, although the
actual moment her campaign died
764
00:41:10,835 --> 00:41:17,040
is when she said this --
pokemon go to the polls!
765
00:41:17,041 --> 00:41:18,741
I don't know.
766
00:41:18,742 --> 00:41:24,948
I bet Trump is hoping she will
peek-a-choose to run again.
767
00:41:24,949 --> 00:41:27,217
Peek-a-choose to run again.
768
00:41:27,218 --> 00:41:32,856
One of the strangest stories is
that Denver riggleman admitted
769
00:41:32,857 --> 00:41:38,361
to being a devote heee
of big foot erotica.
770
00:41:38,362 --> 00:41:42,999
This is an actual picture
he posted on Instagram.
771
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:45,802
Here to clear things up is
congressman Denver riggleman.
772
00:41:45,803 --> 00:41:51,107
Thank you, thank you, Michael.
773
00:41:51,108 --> 00:41:53,109
As I said 500 times before, that
picture was a joke between buds
774
00:41:53,110 --> 00:41:59,816
and I'm not that stuff.
775
00:41:59,817 --> 00:42:03,419
Okay, but in the caption you
said that was cover art for a
776
00:42:03,420 --> 00:42:05,088
book you were writing.
777
00:42:05,089 --> 00:42:06,823
Did you write a big foot porn?
778
00:42:06,824 --> 00:42:11,094
Okay, so porn is a
cheap thrill, Michael.
779
00:42:11,095 --> 00:42:16,733
I write as a joke
big foot erotica,
780
00:42:16,734 --> 00:42:21,070
where the sexual scenes come
out of story and character,
781
00:42:21,071 --> 00:42:24,107
and the sex is earned,
and therefore hotter.
782
00:42:24,108 --> 00:42:29,312
And if you have read my
forbidden forest trilogy,
783
00:42:29,313 --> 00:42:30,513
you would know that.
784
00:42:30,514 --> 00:42:33,283
But you -- you wrote three --
you wrote three big foot porn
785
00:42:33,284 --> 00:42:34,484
books as a joke?
786
00:42:34,485 --> 00:42:36,452
Yes, as I joke!
787
00:42:36,453 --> 00:42:41,824
And it's not porn, okay, it's
a story about the love affair
788
00:42:41,825 --> 00:42:46,496
between wildlife photographer
Stephanie Knox and a sasquatch
789
00:42:46,497 --> 00:42:50,133
as pursued by billionaire
trophy hunter Jake Blakely.
790
00:42:50,134 --> 00:42:55,872
I mean, come on now, does this
sound like I'm being serious?
791
00:42:55,873 --> 00:42:57,473
Okay.
792
00:42:57,474 --> 00:43:03,146
As Stephanie knocks, bathed
in the forest stream,
793
00:43:03,147 --> 00:43:07,917
the moonlight bounced off her
pert breasts and firm rear end.
794
00:43:07,918 --> 00:43:10,386
You're going to
like this coming up.
795
00:43:10,387 --> 00:43:15,992
Went on the shore she caught
sight of an enormous creature
796
00:43:15,993 --> 00:43:17,694
watching her.
797
00:43:17,695 --> 00:43:18,962
He was not quite human.
798
00:43:18,963 --> 00:43:20,163
Damn straight.
799
00:43:20,164 --> 00:43:23,166
But not quite not either.
800
00:43:23,167 --> 00:43:29,806
Though fear flashed across her
face but between her legs she
801
00:43:29,807 --> 00:43:35,244
felt a familiar churning, the
faint, throb, itch of desire.
802
00:43:35,245 --> 00:43:39,415
Mine, come on, that's
such a joke, man!
803
00:43:39,416 --> 00:43:41,417
It's so hot.
804
00:43:41,418 --> 00:43:44,053
I don't know, man.
805
00:43:44,054 --> 00:43:48,658
It doesn't really
sound like a joke.
806
00:43:48,659 --> 00:43:50,259
Okay, whatever.
807
00:43:50,260 --> 00:43:51,294
But listen to this.
808
00:43:51,295 --> 00:43:55,765
As the sasquatch rled
off Stephanie, exhausted,
809
00:43:55,766 --> 00:44:00,771
he could tell he was embarrassed
for not satisfying her.
810
00:44:04,341 --> 00:44:09,879
No, no shame -- she whispered.
811
00:44:09,880 --> 00:44:12,782
I teach you.
812
00:44:12,783 --> 00:44:14,884
Oh, che, this is amazing.
813
00:44:14,885 --> 00:44:15,885
Oh, sorry.
814
00:44:15,886 --> 00:44:20,423
Come on, man.
815
00:44:20,424 --> 00:44:22,525
Sorry.
816
00:44:22,526 --> 00:44:27,531
He grunted back -- >> hold on.
817
00:44:31,568 --> 00:44:33,703
You invented a whole
sasquatch language?
818
00:44:33,704 --> 00:44:35,304
As a joke!
819
00:44:35,305 --> 00:44:39,776
Shh, be quiet,
here it comes, man.
820
00:44:39,777 --> 00:44:41,144
All right.
821
00:44:41,145 --> 00:44:46,849
The passion was so loud, neither
could hear the faint helicopter
822
00:44:46,850 --> 00:44:50,186
blades bleeding
over the treeline.
823
00:44:50,187 --> 00:44:53,423
Jake Blakely had
picked up their trail.
824
00:44:53,424 --> 00:44:57,927
I hate Jake Blakely.
825
00:44:57,928 --> 00:44:59,595
You read this?
826
00:44:59,596 --> 00:45:01,230
As a joke!
827
00:45:01,231 --> 00:45:02,365
Thank you!
828
00:45:02,366 --> 00:45:04,033
Denver riggleman, everybody.
829
00:45:04,034 --> 00:45:09,005
Thank you, as a
joke, as a joke, man.
830
00:45:09,006 --> 00:45:10,673
As a joke.
831
00:45:10,674 --> 00:45:12,475
As a joke.
832
00:45:12,476 --> 00:45:15,845
Post cereal has announced they
will be making a new sour patch
833
00:45:15,846 --> 00:45:17,480
kids flavored cereal.
834
00:45:17,481 --> 00:45:20,650
It's a great way to start the
morning off on the right foot
835
00:45:20,651 --> 00:45:23,052
because the left foot
was taken by diabetes.
836
00:45:23,053 --> 00:45:28,058
Aviation officials report that
two Irish pilots claim that they
837
00:45:30,561 --> 00:45:32,662
saw an unidentified
flying object.
838
00:45:32,663 --> 00:45:35,998
But keep in mind, Irish pilot
is also the highest reading on a
839
00:45:35,999 --> 00:45:38,001
breathalyzer.
840
00:45:39,703 --> 00:45:42,472
A luxury candy company in
Chicago will soon start selling
841
00:45:42,473 --> 00:45:48,478
Ruby chocolates and they're
gonna get sued because Ruby
842
00:45:48,479 --> 00:45:52,248
chocolate is my drag name.
843
00:45:52,249 --> 00:45:55,852
Walt Disney world removed a
man from the park as he waved a
844
00:45:55,853 --> 00:45:58,888
Trump 2020 danner
on splash mountain.
845
00:45:58,889 --> 00:46:02,358
The man also demanded to
separate it's a small world kids
846
00:46:02,359 --> 00:46:03,359
from their families.
847
00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:10,032
And ironically, the man had
snuck into the park through
848
00:46:10,033 --> 00:46:14,070
epcot's Mexico pavilion.
849
00:46:14,071 --> 00:46:19,041
The annual New York City taxi
calendar has been released
850
00:46:19,042 --> 00:46:21,544
featuring pictures of
topless cab drivers.
851
00:46:21,545 --> 00:46:24,981
While a calendar of uber drivers
is available on the sex offender
852
00:46:24,982 --> 00:46:25,982
registry.
853
00:46:25,983 --> 00:46:30,988
A lesbian couple made medical
history by each taking turns
854
00:46:34,057 --> 00:46:36,959
carrying their baby's
embryo in their wombs.
855
00:46:36,960 --> 00:46:40,463
It was a totally equal effort,
said the one who didn't have to
856
00:46:40,464 --> 00:46:41,464
give birth.
857
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:47,737
British police are asking a
woman who hid more than $300,
858
00:46:47,738 --> 00:46:50,907
000 worth of cocaine inside
her daughter's candy.
859
00:46:50,908 --> 00:46:53,943
Authorities became suspicious
when they noticed the daughter
860
00:46:53,944 --> 00:46:55,311
is still trick-or-treating.
861
00:46:55,312 --> 00:47:00,783
The NBA season is one month
old, and one of the biggest old,
862
00:47:00,784 --> 00:47:05,421
and one of the biggest stories
is the Los Angeles Lakers,
863
00:47:05,422 --> 00:47:08,391
who are off to a slow start.
864
00:47:08,392 --> 00:47:13,462
Here to talk about it is father
of Lakers point guard lonzo
865
00:47:13,463 --> 00:47:14,730
ball, lavar ball.
866
00:47:14,731 --> 00:47:15,965
What's up Michael?
867
00:47:15,966 --> 00:47:18,100
How are you doing, Michael?
868
00:47:18,101 --> 00:47:19,101
I'm incredible.
869
00:47:19,102 --> 00:47:23,139
You've been outspoken about your
son lonzo playing more minutes.
870
00:47:23,140 --> 00:47:24,840
How is he doing?
871
00:47:24,841 --> 00:47:25,841
Amazing!
872
00:47:25,842 --> 00:47:27,777
He acht no rookie no more.
873
00:47:27,778 --> 00:47:32,448
Now it's his time, he's the king
of L.A., standing reservations
874
00:47:32,449 --> 00:47:33,649
at spago.
875
00:47:33,650 --> 00:47:36,152
Best friends with
Jack nicholason,
876
00:47:36,153 --> 00:47:40,323
and he was just named the new
starlet at the adult video
877
00:47:40,324 --> 00:47:41,324
awards.
878
00:47:41,325 --> 00:47:47,096
You know, a lot of people say
LeBron James thinks you're a
879
00:47:47,097 --> 00:47:51,200
distraction and doesn't
want you around the team.
880
00:47:51,201 --> 00:47:54,770
Don't you tell me
about LeBron James!
881
00:47:54,771 --> 00:48:00,409
Me and LeBron are best friends,
bffs, picnics in the park,
882
00:48:00,410 --> 00:48:04,614
always on Sundays and always
from a respectable 500 feet
883
00:48:04,615 --> 00:48:05,615
away.
884
00:48:05,616 --> 00:48:08,351
Would I never violate
the restraining order,
885
00:48:08,352 --> 00:48:12,555
never with the violations.
886
00:48:12,556 --> 00:48:15,658
Even with LeBron, the Lakers
are still off to a slow start.
887
00:48:15,659 --> 00:48:18,060
Do you think they need
maybe more experience?
888
00:48:18,061 --> 00:48:19,195
Hell no!
889
00:48:19,196 --> 00:48:22,465
What they need is a great coach,
and I've got the perfect choice,
890
00:48:22,466 --> 00:48:23,466
me!
891
00:48:23,467 --> 00:48:24,467
You?
892
00:48:24,468 --> 00:48:25,468
That's right.
893
00:48:25,469 --> 00:48:27,470
I would be an
incredible coach, man.
894
00:48:27,471 --> 00:48:30,606
The first thing I'm going do
is make some personnel changes.
895
00:48:30,607 --> 00:48:32,975
We're going to be unstoppable
with the starting lineup of
896
00:48:32,976 --> 00:48:37,980
LeBron, my older son lonzo,
my middle boy liangelo,
897
00:48:37,981 --> 00:48:41,684
my youngest lamelo,
and more son,
898
00:48:41,685 --> 00:48:46,722
who was recently rescued
from the matrix, lemorphous.
899
00:48:46,723 --> 00:48:49,525
Now, your actual sons liangelo
and lamelo just spent a year
900
00:48:49,526 --> 00:48:51,594
playing in Lithuania
on a team you created.
901
00:48:51,595 --> 00:48:53,896
You're damn right,
big baller league.
902
00:48:53,897 --> 00:48:54,897
How did they handle it?
903
00:48:54,898 --> 00:48:55,931
What, how did they hand tell?
904
00:48:55,932 --> 00:48:58,234
They loved it.
905
00:48:58,235 --> 00:49:03,673
They could be rich
teenagers in L.A.
906
00:49:03,674 --> 00:49:06,709
but instead they were in
the lovely town of villous,
907
00:49:06,710 --> 00:49:09,745
living the big baller lifestyle.
908
00:49:09,746 --> 00:49:14,016
Pierogi for breakfast, pierogi
for lunch and for dinner,
909
00:49:14,017 --> 00:49:17,053
the burneyest cabbage
this side of Bucharest.
910
00:49:17,054 --> 00:49:19,789
It will run right through
you like the river.
911
00:49:19,790 --> 00:49:22,892
That sounds rough, man.
912
00:49:22,893 --> 00:49:24,560
Are you jealous?
913
00:49:24,561 --> 00:49:27,330
We ball out every day.
914
00:49:27,331 --> 00:49:32,668
We signed a lucrative deal with
the biggest gamer in all of ¦
915
00:49:32,669 --> 00:49:34,870
Lithuania, PlayStation 2.
916
00:49:34,871 --> 00:49:39,175
And the balls just had their
grand finale game against the
917
00:49:39,176 --> 00:49:43,179
London lions in britain's number
one sports venue -- Wembley
918
00:49:43,180 --> 00:49:44,180
stadium?
919
00:49:44,181 --> 00:49:46,482
No, the cover box
arena in stratford.
920
00:49:46,483 --> 00:49:48,718
This week, basketball.
921
00:49:48,719 --> 00:49:53,122
Next week, a production of
"sweeney Todd." That was a long
922
00:49:53,123 --> 00:49:54,323
way from coaching the Lakers.
923
00:49:54,324 --> 00:49:55,324
How dare you?
924
00:49:55,325 --> 00:49:58,294
My son owns that team.
925
00:49:58,295 --> 00:49:59,395
He owns the city.
926
00:49:59,396 --> 00:50:02,932
And he also owns the patent to
the only sneaker that tracks
927
00:50:02,933 --> 00:50:03,933
your genealogy.
928
00:50:03,934 --> 00:50:09,605
Introducing the 23s.
929
00:50:09,606 --> 00:50:11,607
Track your genealogy,
how do they even work?
930
00:50:11,608 --> 00:50:12,608
Easy.
931
00:50:12,609 --> 00:50:17,614
Just fill it up with spit and
in five to eight weeks tells you
932
00:50:30,227 --> 00:50:35,232
your heritage with
5 to 18% accuracy.
933
00:50:41,738 --> 00:50:46,675
Never really sure.
934
00:50:46,676 --> 00:50:52,014
Never really sure.
935
00:50:52,015 --> 00:50:54,984
Wow, girls, can you believe
it, we're juniors now.
936
00:50:54,985 --> 00:50:57,653
1968 here we come.
937
00:50:57,654 --> 00:50:59,021
Wow, sounds fun.
938
00:50:59,022 --> 00:51:02,691
What's gotten into you?
939
00:51:02,692 --> 00:51:04,693
Ever since I dropped
out of high school,
940
00:51:04,694 --> 00:51:05,728
I just don't know what to do.
941
00:51:05,729 --> 00:51:08,464
I wish I had a guardian
angel to guide me.
942
00:51:08,465 --> 00:51:10,533
Oh, gosh, that sounds hard.
943
00:51:10,534 --> 00:51:11,734
But I want to go to sleep now.
944
00:51:11,735 --> 00:51:12,735
Good night.
945
00:51:12,736 --> 00:51:13,703
Good night.
946
00:51:13,704 --> 00:51:16,705
Typical Sammy.
947
00:51:16,706 --> 00:51:17,773
Lost as usual.
948
00:51:17,774 --> 00:51:22,779
hey, what was that?
949
00:51:25,215 --> 00:51:30,220
Your story's sad to tell a
teenage ne'er do well most
950
00:51:36,326 --> 00:51:42,131
mixed-up, nondelinquent
on the block Oh, wow.
951
00:51:42,132 --> 00:51:47,137
your future's so unclear now
what's left of your career now
952
00:51:49,506 --> 00:51:54,511
can't even get a trade-in on
your smile hi, there, Sammy.
953
00:51:56,746 --> 00:51:59,315
Heard you were in
need of assistance.
954
00:51:59,316 --> 00:52:00,483
Becky, Becky, wake up.
955
00:52:00,484 --> 00:52:03,719
Is that who I think it is?
956
00:52:03,720 --> 00:52:04,720
What?
957
00:52:04,721 --> 00:52:05,721
No way!
958
00:52:05,722 --> 00:52:10,359
Dropped out of high school no
graduation day for you Is that
959
00:52:10,360 --> 00:52:11,393
my dad?
960
00:52:11,394 --> 00:52:12,394
Dad!
961
00:52:12,395 --> 00:52:14,997
Dad, what are you doing here?
962
00:52:14,998 --> 00:52:16,532
Oh, hi, Becky.
963
00:52:16,533 --> 00:52:18,100
Oh, my god.
964
00:52:18,101 --> 00:52:20,669
Oh, okay, I thought so.
965
00:52:20,670 --> 00:52:22,705
That is your dad.
966
00:52:22,706 --> 00:52:25,307
Sweetheart, this is a surprise.
967
00:52:25,308 --> 00:52:29,411
Yeah, well, where the
hell have you been?
968
00:52:29,412 --> 00:52:34,049
We haven't heard from
you in like six weeks.
969
00:52:34,050 --> 00:52:36,919
Mom misses you so much.
970
00:52:36,920 --> 00:52:39,421
Honey, I -- I'm
doing singing now.
971
00:52:39,422 --> 00:52:42,124
And giving teenage
girls great advice.
972
00:52:42,125 --> 00:52:43,125
What?
973
00:52:43,126 --> 00:52:45,594
You never gave me advice.
974
00:52:45,595 --> 00:52:48,831
You just told me to can it, and
then you would go water the lawn
975
00:52:48,832 --> 00:52:50,132
and smoke cigarettes.
976
00:52:50,133 --> 00:52:52,134
Becky, I don't know
what to tell you.
977
00:52:52,135 --> 00:52:53,369
Life's a roller coaster.
978
00:52:53,370 --> 00:52:54,370
Ew.
979
00:52:54,371 --> 00:52:56,105
Did you get a perm?
980
00:52:56,106 --> 00:52:58,841
Can we talk about this later?
981
00:52:58,842 --> 00:53:01,110
Right now Sammy needs me.
982
00:53:01,111 --> 00:53:02,111
Excuse me.
983
00:53:02,112 --> 00:53:08,083
La la la la baby don't worry
Ew, don't call her baby, Jesus!
984
00:53:08,084 --> 00:53:10,219
Good lord, she's 15.
985
00:53:10,220 --> 00:53:13,322
Do-dah woo-dah doo-dah damn it,
Becky, come on, I lost my place.
986
00:53:13,323 --> 00:53:16,692
Now I look stupid in
front of this dropout.
987
00:53:16,693 --> 00:53:17,693
Hey!
988
00:53:17,694 --> 00:53:18,694
I'm all flustered, Becky.
989
00:53:18,695 --> 00:53:20,696
Can you leave my
eyeline, please?
990
00:53:20,697 --> 00:53:23,165
No, dad, this is really bad.
991
00:53:23,166 --> 00:53:24,166
It's not.
992
00:53:24,167 --> 00:53:25,167
It's good.
993
00:53:25,168 --> 00:53:26,168
I'm cool now.
994
00:53:26,169 --> 00:53:27,169
I have a great voice.
995
00:53:27,170 --> 00:53:29,171
I'm the best thing that's
ever happened to these teens.
996
00:53:29,172 --> 00:53:32,341
Oh, no, dad, you're a
junior insurance salesman.
997
00:53:32,342 --> 00:53:34,143
No, no, no!
998
00:53:34,144 --> 00:53:37,479
I am a hunky angel, damn it!
999
00:53:37,480 --> 00:53:38,981
What's happening?
1000
00:53:38,982 --> 00:53:43,652
I guess my dumb-ass dad tried
to sing at Sammy and it sucks.
1001
00:53:43,653 --> 00:53:44,653
Oh, yeah?
1002
00:53:44,654 --> 00:53:47,723
Does this sound like
a dumb-ass that sucks?
1003
00:53:47,724 --> 00:53:50,926
La la la la la la la la la no
you bangs are curled your lashes
1004
00:53:50,927 --> 00:53:54,396
twirled but still the
world is cruel oh, god,
1005
00:53:54,397 --> 00:53:56,699
what a small man you are.
1006
00:53:56,700 --> 00:53:59,034
Who the hell are these women?
1007
00:53:59,035 --> 00:54:01,904
These are nice ladies
that I have met.
1008
00:54:01,905 --> 00:54:03,706
That is such a bad answer.
1009
00:54:03,707 --> 00:54:07,543
Becky, I'm sorry if
I like summoned him.
1010
00:54:07,544 --> 00:54:09,545
I'm just going to
go back to school.
1011
00:54:09,546 --> 00:54:10,546
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1012
00:54:10,547 --> 00:54:11,547
Hold on, hold on.
1013
00:54:11,548 --> 00:54:13,949
You have to let me sing
and then you can say that.
1014
00:54:13,950 --> 00:54:14,950
I'm the angel here.
1015
00:54:14,951 --> 00:54:17,686
Oh, god, this is
a loser's fantasy.
1016
00:54:17,687 --> 00:54:18,687
I'm calling mom.
1017
00:54:18,688 --> 00:54:19,688
No, no.
1018
00:54:19,689 --> 00:54:21,690
Becky, sweetheart,
don't do that.
1019
00:54:21,691 --> 00:54:22,691
Please.
1020
00:54:22,692 --> 00:54:24,693
We can reach an
understanding, right?
1021
00:54:24,694 --> 00:54:26,662
What do you want
$40, cigarettes?
1022
00:54:26,663 --> 00:54:27,663
I have a gun in my car.
1023
00:54:27,664 --> 00:54:28,664
Would you like that?
1024
00:54:28,665 --> 00:54:30,666
Oh, my god, why
do you have a gun?
1025
00:54:30,667 --> 00:54:31,667
To protect these women!
1026
00:54:31,668 --> 00:54:33,669
Now, please let
me do the finale.
1027
00:54:33,670 --> 00:54:40,609
Got to be going to that malt
shop in the sky Good night,
1028
00:54:40,610 --> 00:54:41,944
girls.
1029
00:54:41,945 --> 00:54:43,145
See you in your dreams.
1030
00:54:43,146 --> 00:54:48,684
And oh, Sammy -- go back
to high school Well,
1031
00:54:48,685 --> 00:54:51,121
good to see you too, dad.
1032
00:55:12,709 --> 00:55:13,876
Once again, Ella mai.
1033
00:55:13,877 --> 00:55:18,882
oooh, yeah, yeah I put my
feelings on safety so I don't go
1034
01:02:07,790 --> 01:02:12,795
shooting where your heart be
'cause you take the bullet tryna
1035
01:04:46,682 --> 01:04:51,687
save me then I'm left to deal
with makin' you bleed and that's
1036
01:05:36,032 --> 01:05:41,403
a whole lotta love, ain't tryna
waste it like we be running 'em
1037
01:05:41,404 --> 01:05:46,374
out and never make it that's
just too bitter for words don't
1038
01:05:46,375 --> 01:05:50,945
wanna taste it that's just too
bitter for words don't wanna
1039
01:05:50,946 --> 01:05:55,917
face it I think that I'm done
tripping that's how I control
1040
01:05:55,918 --> 01:06:00,055
this feelin' you keep givin'
keep on hittin' it ooh,
1041
01:06:00,056 --> 01:06:05,427
oh maybe it's your love it's
too good to be true baby boy,
1042
01:06:05,428 --> 01:06:11,232
your love got me trippin' on you
you know your love is big enough
1043
01:06:11,233 --> 01:06:16,604
make me trip up on you yeah,
it's big enough got me trippin'
1044
01:06:16,605 --> 01:06:19,507
on you trip-trippin'
on you my bad,
1045
01:06:19,508 --> 01:06:22,844
my bad for trippin'
on you my bad,
1046
01:06:22,845 --> 01:06:28,216
my bad for trippin' on you boy,
you know we're cool and now
1047
01:06:28,217 --> 01:06:33,388
you're waitin' but I act a fool
when I don't get it and I'm
1048
01:06:33,389 --> 01:06:38,394
steady bruisin' just to save
this but I tripped on your love
1049
01:08:12,321 --> 01:08:14,322
now I'm addicted and that's a
whole lotta love ain't tryna
1050
01:08:14,323 --> 01:08:16,324
waste it like we be runnin' 'em
out and never make it that's
1051
01:08:16,325 --> 01:08:18,326
just too bitter for words don't
wanna taste it that's just too
1052
01:08:18,327 --> 01:08:20,328
bitter for words don't wanna
face it I think that I'm done
1053
01:08:20,329 --> 01:08:22,330
trippin' I've been sippin'
that's how I control this
1054
01:08:22,331 --> 01:08:24,332
feelin' you keep givin' you keep
on hittin' it maybe it's your
1055
01:08:24,333 --> 01:08:26,334
love it's too good
to be true baby boy,
1056
01:08:26,335 --> 01:08:28,336
your love got me trippin' on you
you know your love is big enough
1057
01:08:28,337 --> 01:08:30,338
make me trip up on you yeah,
it's big enough got me trippin'
1058
01:08:30,339 --> 01:08:32,340
on you trip-trippin'
on you my bad,
1059
01:08:32,341 --> 01:08:34,342
my bad for trippin'
on you my bad,
1060
01:08:34,343 --> 01:08:36,344
my bad for trippin' on you
trippin' on you that's some kind
1061
01:08:36,345 --> 01:08:38,346
of love baby trip, trip that's
the type of love make trip,
1062
01:08:38,347 --> 01:08:40,348
trip trippin' on you it's
big enough make me trip,
1063
01:08:40,349 --> 01:08:42,350
trip it's big
enough got me trip,
1064
01:08:42,351 --> 01:08:44,319
trip tripping on you I'm done
trippin' I'm trip-trippin' I've
1065
01:08:44,320 --> 01:08:46,321
been sippin' that's how I
control this feelin' you keep
1066
01:08:46,322 --> 01:08:48,323
givin' you keep on hittin' it
maybe it's your love it's too
1067
01:08:48,324 --> 01:08:50,325
good to be true baby boy, your
love got me trippin' on you you
1068
01:08:50,326 --> 01:08:52,327
know your love is big enough
make me trip up on you yeah,
1069
01:08:52,328 --> 01:08:54,329
it's big enough got me trippin'
on you trip-trippin' on you my
1070
01:08:54,330 --> 01:08:56,331
bad, my bad for
trippin' on you my bad,
1071
01:08:56,332 --> 01:08:58,333
my bad for trippin'
on you my bad,
1072
01:08:58,334 --> 01:09:00,335
my bad for trippin'
on you honey,
1073
01:09:00,336 --> 01:09:01,336
I just heard the kids pull up.
1074
01:09:01,337 --> 01:09:02,337
Hey, my babies!
1075
01:09:02,338 --> 01:09:03,338
Oh, there they are!
1076
01:09:03,339 --> 01:09:04,339
You found us!
1077
01:09:04,340 --> 01:09:05,340
Dad.
1078
01:09:05,341 --> 01:09:06,341
How are you?
1079
01:09:06,342 --> 01:09:07,342
Good to see you.
1080
01:09:07,343 --> 01:09:08,343
How are you?
1081
01:09:08,344 --> 01:09:09,344
Wow!
1082
01:09:09,345 --> 01:09:10,345
Wow, mom and dad.
1083
01:09:10,346 --> 01:09:11,346
Wow, you weren't kidding.
1084
01:09:11,347 --> 01:09:12,347
This is definitely an rv.
1085
01:09:12,348 --> 01:09:13,348
Yeah, yeah.
1086
01:09:13,349 --> 01:09:14,349
They're also so similar.
1087
01:09:14,350 --> 01:09:16,317
We found you by your
license plate, ex-banker.
1088
01:09:16,318 --> 01:09:17,318
Yeah, ex-banker.
1089
01:09:17,319 --> 01:09:18,319
Ex-interior designer.
1090
01:09:18,320 --> 01:09:19,320
Current rvers.
1091
01:09:19,321 --> 01:09:20,321
Hard to believe.
1092
01:09:20,322 --> 01:09:21,322
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
1093
01:09:21,323 --> 01:09:23,324
Six months ago, I came
home and I told your mom,
1094
01:09:23,325 --> 01:09:25,326
I don't want to work
anymore and she said okay.
1095
01:09:25,327 --> 01:09:26,327
You were cool with that, mom?
1096
01:09:26,328 --> 01:09:27,328
Oh, yeah, I love it.
1097
01:09:27,329 --> 01:09:28,329
Really?
1098
01:09:28,330 --> 01:09:29,330
Yeah.
1099
01:09:29,331 --> 01:09:30,331
Yeah.
1100
01:09:30,332 --> 01:09:32,333
You know, it's so freeing
to purge your possessions.
1101
01:09:32,334 --> 01:09:33,334
You know, it just feels great.
1102
01:09:33,335 --> 01:09:34,335
Yeah.
1103
01:09:34,336 --> 01:09:35,336
Oh, yeah.
1104
01:09:35,337 --> 01:09:36,337
I just -- I love it.
1105
01:09:36,338 --> 01:09:37,338
I really, really do.
1106
01:09:37,339 --> 01:09:38,339
Yeah.
1107
01:09:38,340 --> 01:09:40,341
You know, it's so freeing
to purge your possessions.
1108
01:09:40,342 --> 01:09:42,343
I mean, we went from a 3,000
square foot home to basically a
1109
01:09:42,344 --> 01:09:43,344
room on top of a car.
1110
01:09:43,345 --> 01:09:44,345
Freedom.
1111
01:09:44,346 --> 01:09:45,346
I love it.
1112
01:09:45,347 --> 01:09:46,347
She loves it.
1113
01:09:46,348 --> 01:09:48,349
She loves it almost so much
I forget whose idea it was.
1114
01:09:48,350 --> 01:09:49,318
It was yours.
1115
01:09:49,319 --> 01:09:50,319
Yeah, daddy.
1116
01:09:50,320 --> 01:09:52,320
You really look like
you're in your element.
1117
01:09:52,321 --> 01:09:53,321
Oh, I sure am.
1118
01:09:53,322 --> 01:09:54,322
You know what?
1119
01:09:54,323 --> 01:09:56,324
I jogged butt naked around
the lake this morning.
1120
01:09:56,325 --> 01:09:58,326
Just socks, sneakers
and the wind on my sack.
1121
01:09:58,327 --> 01:09:59,327
Real man fun.
1122
01:09:59,328 --> 01:10:00,328
And you're having fun, mom?
1123
01:10:00,329 --> 01:10:01,329
Uh-huh.
1124
01:10:01,330 --> 01:10:02,330
I love it.
1125
01:10:02,331 --> 01:10:04,332
Mom, can you -- can you look
at us when you say that?
1126
01:10:04,333 --> 01:10:05,333
I love it.
1127
01:10:05,334 --> 01:10:07,335
Can you open your
eyes when you say it?
1128
01:10:07,336 --> 01:10:08,336
I love it.
1129
01:10:08,337 --> 01:10:09,337
I just love sitting back here.
1130
01:10:09,338 --> 01:10:10,338
Oh, you don't sit up front?
1131
01:10:10,339 --> 01:10:11,339
No, no, no.
1132
01:10:11,340 --> 01:10:12,340
That's where lady gray sits.
1133
01:10:12,341 --> 01:10:13,341
Who is lady gray?
1134
01:10:13,342 --> 01:10:14,342
Well, the love of our life.
1135
01:10:14,343 --> 01:10:15,343
Our great Dane, lady gray.
1136
01:10:15,344 --> 01:10:16,344
Come on in here, lady gray!
1137
01:10:16,345 --> 01:10:17,345
Oh!
1138
01:10:17,346 --> 01:10:18,346
That's a good girl.
1139
01:10:18,347 --> 01:10:19,347
Yeah.
1140
01:10:19,348 --> 01:10:21,349
Lady gray sits up front because
she gets carsick back here.
1141
01:10:21,350 --> 01:10:23,318
I get carsick too,
but I love it.
1142
01:10:23,319 --> 01:10:24,319
Come here, lady gray!
1143
01:10:24,320 --> 01:10:25,320
Hi, girl.
1144
01:10:25,321 --> 01:10:26,321
Hi!
1145
01:10:26,322 --> 01:10:28,323
Did you know a
dog can punch you?
1146
01:10:28,324 --> 01:10:29,324
Where does the dog sleep?
1147
01:10:29,325 --> 01:10:30,325
Oh, in your mom's bed.
1148
01:10:30,326 --> 01:10:31,326
Yeah, and I sleep like this.
1149
01:10:31,327 --> 01:10:32,327
Okay.
1150
01:10:32,328 --> 01:10:34,329
So, where did you
get a great Dane?
1151
01:10:34,330 --> 01:10:35,330
From our new rv friend, jibs.
1152
01:10:35,331 --> 01:10:36,331
I'm coming.
1153
01:10:36,332 --> 01:10:37,332
Oh, there she is.
1154
01:10:37,333 --> 01:10:38,333
Whoa.
1155
01:10:38,334 --> 01:10:39,334
Did you call me?
1156
01:10:39,335 --> 01:10:40,335
We said your name, so yeah.
1157
01:10:40,336 --> 01:10:42,337
Yeah, jibs here showed us
how to work the dump station.
1158
01:10:42,338 --> 01:10:44,339
Well, let's just
say I'm well versed.
1159
01:10:44,340 --> 01:10:46,341
I showed my little Robin egg
here how to take the cupper hose
1160
01:10:46,342 --> 01:10:48,343
from the rv dump tank to the
vice clamp and the community
1161
01:10:48,344 --> 01:10:49,344
receptor tank.
1162
01:10:49,345 --> 01:10:50,345
.
1163
01:10:50,346 --> 01:10:51,346
well, your mom does that stuff.
1164
01:10:51,347 --> 01:10:52,347
She likes it.
1165
01:10:52,348 --> 01:10:54,349
It's the only thing
I really don't like.
1166
01:10:54,350 --> 01:10:56,317
I don't think mom
likes any of this.
1167
01:10:56,318 --> 01:10:57,318
Yeah, mom, you hate dogs.
1168
01:10:57,319 --> 01:10:58,319
I love it.
1169
01:10:58,320 --> 01:10:59,320
I don't think you do.
1170
01:10:59,321 --> 01:11:01,322
Oh, she does love
it, right, honey?
1171
01:11:01,323 --> 01:11:02,323
Yeah, I love it!
1172
01:11:02,324 --> 01:11:03,324
I love it!
1173
01:11:03,325 --> 01:11:04,325
Honey look at me in the face.
1174
01:11:04,326 --> 01:11:05,326
Honey, I love it.
1175
01:11:05,327 --> 01:11:06,327
Look, look at me in the eyes.
1176
01:11:06,328 --> 01:11:07,328
This is hell!
1177
01:11:07,329 --> 01:11:08,329
You're awful!
1178
01:11:08,330 --> 01:11:09,330
And I hate it!
1179
01:11:09,331 --> 01:11:10,331
I couldn't hate it more.
1180
01:11:10,332 --> 01:11:11,332
It's horrible.
1181
01:11:11,333 --> 01:11:12,333
It's horrible!
1182
01:11:12,334 --> 01:11:13,334
What are you trying to say?
1183
01:11:13,335 --> 01:11:14,335
I don't love any of it.
1184
01:11:14,336 --> 01:11:16,337
Is this a bad time to tell you
all lady gray is pregnant will
1185
01:11:16,338 --> 01:11:18,339
the aliens be joining us
for our Thanksgiving feast?
1186
01:11:18,340 --> 01:11:19,340
Oh, you mean the klergs, yeah.
1187
01:11:19,341 --> 01:11:21,342
Good, I look forward to trying
some of the local produce here
1188
01:11:21,343 --> 01:11:22,343
on argostein.
1189
01:11:22,344 --> 01:11:23,344
I love exotic foods.
1190
01:11:23,345 --> 01:11:24,345
Oh, look, it's the klergs.
1191
01:11:24,346 --> 01:11:25,346
Greetings, people of earth.
1192
01:11:25,347 --> 01:11:26,347
I am ruler ta, short for tank.
1193
01:11:26,348 --> 01:11:28,349
Father, should I
offer them the kern?
1194
01:11:28,350 --> 01:11:30,318
Yes, tutrisha, offer
them other kern.
1195
01:11:30,319 --> 01:11:31,319
Kern, what is kern?
1196
01:11:31,320 --> 01:11:33,321
Oh, it looks like out
corn but it's purple.
1197
01:11:33,322 --> 01:11:35,323
Yes, our kern is
much like your corn.
1198
01:11:35,324 --> 01:11:37,325
It has lots of tiny,
delicious cornels on it.
1199
01:11:37,326 --> 01:11:38,326
Oh, you mean kernels?
1200
01:11:38,327 --> 01:11:40,328
No, your corn has kernels
but our kern has cornels.
1201
01:11:40,329 --> 01:11:42,330
What a small,
fascinating universe.
1202
01:11:42,331 --> 01:11:44,332
It is customary for visitors
to partake of our kern.
1203
01:11:44,333 --> 01:11:45,333
It's for good fortune.
1204
01:11:45,334 --> 01:11:47,335
I guess this is the famous klerg
hospitality we've heard so much
1205
01:11:47,336 --> 01:11:48,336
about.
1206
01:11:48,337 --> 01:11:50,338
I can't wait to enjoy the
tasty cornels of kern.
1207
01:11:50,339 --> 01:11:51,339
No, don't eat me!
1208
01:11:51,340 --> 01:11:52,340
This hurts me!
1209
01:11:52,341 --> 01:11:53,341
Is this kern talking?
1210
01:11:53,342 --> 01:11:55,343
Well, of course kern talks and
screams and that sort of thing.
1211
01:11:55,344 --> 01:11:56,344
It's delicious.
1212
01:11:56,345 --> 01:11:57,345
Is the kern alive right now?
1213
01:11:57,346 --> 01:11:59,347
No, these are just
the kern sounds,
1214
01:11:59,348 --> 01:12:00,348
the sound the kern makes.
1215
01:12:00,349 --> 01:12:01,349
This kern is so good, y'all!
1216
01:12:01,350 --> 01:12:02,350
Ow, my body!
1217
01:12:02,351 --> 01:12:03,318
Please.
1218
01:12:03,319 --> 01:12:04,319
Please stop eating me!
1219
01:12:04,320 --> 01:12:05,320
Linda, stop eating the kern.
1220
01:12:05,321 --> 01:12:06,321
Just one more bite.
1221
01:12:06,322 --> 01:12:07,322
Lady, my body, my body!
1222
01:12:07,323 --> 01:12:08,323
Stop eating my body!
1223
01:12:08,324 --> 01:12:09,324
Linda, it maying conscience!
1224
01:12:09,325 --> 01:12:11,325
I'm sorry, it reminds me
of my earth logistics.
1225
01:12:11,326 --> 01:12:13,327
Techniques of eating
corn on the cob.
1226
01:12:13,328 --> 01:12:14,328
You mean kern on the curb?
1227
01:12:14,329 --> 01:12:16,330
I want to try to
communicate with it.
1228
01:12:16,331 --> 01:12:17,331
Why?
1229
01:12:17,332 --> 01:12:18,332
It has no ears to hear.
1230
01:12:18,333 --> 01:12:20,334
Kern is to be eaten,
not listened to.
1231
01:12:20,335 --> 01:12:21,335
Please, let me try.
1232
01:12:21,336 --> 01:12:22,336
Hello, can you hear me?
1233
01:12:22,337 --> 01:12:23,337
We are from earth.
1234
01:12:23,338 --> 01:12:24,338
We mean you no harm.
1235
01:12:24,339 --> 01:12:26,340
Excuse me, ta, I need
to speak to my crew.
1236
01:12:26,341 --> 01:12:28,342
Ta said it's customary to
eat the kern from the klergs.
1237
01:12:28,343 --> 01:12:29,343
For good fortune.
1238
01:12:29,344 --> 01:12:30,344
What a perfect scheme.
1239
01:12:30,345 --> 01:12:32,346
But actually, we're helping
the klergs wipe out the kern.
1240
01:12:32,347 --> 01:12:33,347
Follow me lead.
1241
01:12:33,348 --> 01:12:34,348
I have a plan.
1242
01:12:34,349 --> 01:12:35,349
Ruler tay.
1243
01:12:35,350 --> 01:12:36,318
More kern, captain?
1244
01:12:36,319 --> 01:12:37,319
No, tay.
1245
01:12:37,320 --> 01:12:38,320
No more kern.
1246
01:12:38,321 --> 01:12:39,321
This stops today.
1247
01:12:39,322 --> 01:12:40,322
Corporal, guard the kern!
1248
01:12:40,323 --> 01:12:41,323
No, return our kerns!
1249
01:12:41,324 --> 01:12:42,324
I don't think so, tay.
1250
01:12:42,325 --> 01:12:44,325
Captain, this kern is delicious!
1251
01:12:44,326 --> 01:12:45,326
It's good, right?
1252
01:12:45,327 --> 01:12:46,327
Yeah, it's good!
1253
01:12:46,328 --> 01:12:47,328
Let's all eat!
1254
01:12:47,329 --> 01:12:48,329
Everyone, let's eat the kern!
1255
01:12:48,330 --> 01:12:50,331
You will reach your
destination in six hours.
1256
01:12:50,332 --> 01:12:52,333
This is the worst, miles of gray
highway with this monoton lady
1257
01:12:52,334 --> 01:12:53,334
giving directions.
1258
01:12:53,335 --> 01:12:55,336
How about we switch
modes on the GPS.
1259
01:12:55,337 --> 01:12:56,337
Switch modes/.
1260
01:12:56,338 --> 01:12:58,339
Yeah, look, there's American
male, American female,
1261
01:12:58,340 --> 01:13:00,341
and this one --
drag entertainer.
1262
01:13:00,342 --> 01:13:02,343
Well, that sounds
unusual and fun.
1263
01:13:02,344 --> 01:13:04,345
Yes, queen, I'm gagging on this
scenic byway I'm giving you.
1264
01:13:04,346 --> 01:13:06,347
Introducing cp-ya, with the
popularity of rupaul's drag
1265
01:13:06,348 --> 01:13:08,349
race, charmin has extended our
voice options to include drag
1266
01:13:08,350 --> 01:13:09,350
entertainer.
1267
01:13:09,351 --> 01:13:11,319
Let's gp-ya turn your
unstimulating trip into a
1268
01:13:11,320 --> 01:13:12,320
sickening one.
1269
01:13:12,321 --> 01:13:14,322
Look, honey, the icons for
the car is a glamour link
1270
01:13:14,323 --> 01:13:15,323
fingernail.
1271
01:13:15,324 --> 01:13:16,324
Entering school zone!
1272
01:13:16,325 --> 01:13:18,326
Bitch, slow your ass down so you
don't squash a child flat like a
1273
01:13:18,327 --> 01:13:19,327
squirrel.
1274
01:13:19,328 --> 01:13:21,329
Even the warnings are enjoyable.
1275
01:13:21,330 --> 01:13:23,331
I can't see the map,
but I don't care.
1276
01:13:23,332 --> 01:13:25,333
Gp-ya keeps updated on traffic
alerts and disaster areas.
1277
01:13:25,334 --> 01:13:26,334
Disaster area up ahead!
1278
01:13:26,335 --> 01:13:27,335
It's a damn Van.
1279
01:13:27,336 --> 01:13:29,337
Oh, honey, I think
you missed the exit.
1280
01:13:29,338 --> 01:13:30,338
Turn around.
1281
01:13:30,339 --> 01:13:31,339
Turn around!
1282
01:13:31,340 --> 01:13:32,340
You go, girl.
1283
01:13:32,341 --> 01:13:33,341
What did I say?
1284
01:13:33,342 --> 01:13:34,342
You arrived!
1285
01:13:34,343 --> 01:13:36,344
Just make it fun and free you're
gonna live forever follow me to
1286
01:13:36,345 --> 01:13:38,346
the ends of the earth we're
going it together yes,
1287
01:13:38,347 --> 01:13:40,348
yes Gp-yasss, sold in any town
where there's still a circuit
1288
01:13:40,349 --> 01:13:42,351
city.
95522
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