All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0610 - Kelly Does Hollywood (Part 2)

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Last week on Married With Children...

...Kelly got her own talk show
on public-access TV.

Who do you think
has the cutest butt?

Mel Gibson.

Lethal Weapon opening tomorrow!

It was a success,
and everyone auditioned.

Kelly said she'd think about it.

But she went it alone.
And that strategy paid off, because. ;

A real network wants
to put my show on primetime.

- I'm going to Hollywood!
- What?

- Hollywood?
- Yes! Yes!

And now,
Married With Children continues.

I can't believe
we're going to Hollywood.

It's a dream come true.

The place where any guy with a cheap
chain can call himself a producer...

...to dumb babes getting off the bus
from Des Moines.

Dad, your little boy's going home.

I'm sure that Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy
and Doc will be glad to have you back.

Now, kids, before we go
to the land of broken dreams...

...and cheap bikini love,
I want you to be prepared.

Because Hollywood is not like
our quaint little hometown of Chicago.

People in Hollywood are
always out for the quick buck.

They're nothing
but a bunch of brownnosers.

Now, I want you to remember...

...that the only people who really care
about you as a person is your family.

Hi, everyone. I hear you're going to
Hollywood and I wanted to come by...

...and give you my best wishes.
And I don't want anything.

Well, that's nice,
but you're blocking the door.

Oh, really? Oh, well, I didn't mean to.

Goodbye.

Oh, but before you go,
there's just one thing I wanna say.

I am willing to leave my husband
if you will just take me with you.

I will do anything for you.

I will procure for your little brother,
I will brush your father's teeth.

Hey, I will even be your bodyguard.

Let me prove myself
by killing someone.

Just point to someone you don't like
and I'll happily kill him.

- Kiss him goodbye.
- Now, Marcie, just a second, here!

Now, why don't you just... out of here.

I mean, we got a plane to catch.

Oh, please, take me with you.

I'm a pregnant banker jet-skiing
towards 40, for God's sake!

I was voted Most Likely to Succeed
in high school...

...and I have a reunion coming up.

At least let me be able to say
that I slept with Chuck Woolery.

Ease by her carefully, kids.
They say the mad have strength.

Hey, hey, at least let me be
Slut of the Week.

I'm already pregnant!

Take a deep breath, kids,
and smell that show biz.

I can't believe we're at the hub
of the NBS network.

This is where it all happens.

Did you see the bathroom?

I tell you, I'm still giddy
with the thought that just possibly...

...I might have sat on
the same toilet seat as Bob Hope.

Yeah, Dad, but I'm sure Bob Hope
didn't walk out of the stall...

...with his pants around his ankles
proudly singing "That's Entertainment."

You loved it when you were 3.

I can't believe we're actually here.
And it's all because of my little girl.

It's times like this that I wish
I'd stayed home nights and studied...

...so I could make something
of myself, like Bud.

Okay, kids, enough fun.

We don't wanna miss
the big picture here.

We are in the loop.

Just look at those walls.

Kids, we can be among the first...

...to see the new, exciting shows
on the fall schedule.

Gaze proudly, kids.

Oh, just think.

Someday my picture will be hanging
next to such exciting shows as...

"Ellen and Her Dog"?

"Spik e Le Bee,
New York City School Teacher"?

"Art Allante, PI."

"Black Cop, White Girl."

"Me and the Shiksa"?

"The Homeless Detective."

Oh, come on.

Daddy, do they
have to hang my picture here?

- It's Gig!
- Gig, can I have your autograph?

Oh, my God. It's Gig Fontaine,
star of Tugboat Danger.

Gig, please, please.

I love you. I love you all.
But I'll love you first.

I can't believe this.

- Give us a smile, Gig.
- Just an autograph, please?

Gig! Gig!

What's that guy got that I don't?

Shall I start above
or below the waist?

Daddy, did you see how
those people were surrounding him...

...just so he'd sign his name?
Do you think that'll happen to me?

Well, probably not until
you learn how to spell your name.

Well, I have something to say.

If I become rich and famous...

...I am gonna share it
with everyone that I love.

Oh, and you guys too.

Daddy, I am gonna get you a car
with door handles and a gas cap.

And a rear-view mirror...

...not just one of Mom's old compacts
glued to the window.

- And windshield wipers?
- You got it, big guy.

And I'm gonna get Mom
what she's always wanted.

Maybe that young guy
down the block who paints houses.

And, Bud, get me a Coke, will you?

Hi, I'm Jeff Littlehead. Now...

Which one of you is Kelly Bundy?

That would be I.

Welcome to NBS,
where we say quality counts.

We don't believe it, but we say it.

You reek of avocado.

Now, be nice, Bud.
They eat vegetables in Hollywood.

And we are a stranger in his land.

Now, there are no strangers
here at NBS...

...if you don't mind me kissing
a little heinie for a moment.

We're like a big family.
That's what we are.

A big, happy family. Living, loving,
nurturing and supporting our talent.

Here we never forget your name.

Mr. Littlehead?

- Who are you?
- Rock Turboman.

Oh, glad to meet you.
I'll have a hamburger.

No, I'm the star of your new series,
Young Ben Franklin.

Yes, yes, I know.
Well, what can I do for you?

Well, I know the ratings
have been low...

...but I'm kind of thinking
of buying a new house.

You think I should?
We're not being cancelled, are we?

Oh, son, son, damn the ratings.
We love the show.

America loves the show.
It'll be on forever.

You, you buy that house.

- Oh, thank you. Thank you.
- All right. All right, Ben Franklin.

Electricity! Bifocals! Kites!

He's gone.
I cancelled him this morning.

You'll have his time slot.

Hey, Dad, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- That he can get both of us chicks?
- Yeah.

Well, are you ready to see your set?

Lead on, Mr. Littlething.

Well, it's Littlehead,
but, well, you can call me anything.

Just don't call me late
to a Dick Chamberlain miniseries.

Oh, Daddy, we're gonna
go look at my set.

I really feel like a star.

Pumpkin, to me
you've always been a star.

Oh, please. Just the other day you
were saying when you were a boy...

...you used to water things
smarter than her.

Well, you said, "What's the difference
between Kelly Bundy and an elephant?

One is grey, has four legs and a tail,
and the other's a moron."

- Well, you told me that joke about...
- Okay, now, time-out, guys.

Let's not fight. This should be
a happy moment. Okay?

I'd like my checks
sent to me directly.

I'll deliver them personally.

Right this way, Miss Bundy.

Arigato, gentlemen.

This, Miss Bundy, is all yours.

Yes!

Oh, God, I don't believe this.
I mean, all this for me.

I just want you to know that if I become
a success, I will never change.

Great.

Are you really the guy
in Home Alone?

Yes!

Now, listen, if you two lovely young
ladies would like to be in the sequel...

...Home Alone With Sex Toy...

...just write down your names
and numbers here.

I also wrote down my special talents.

There's five minutes to rehearsal,
Miss Bundy.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

- Daddy?
- Oh, just a second, pumpkin.

Now, Jeff, I've been thinking.

Just in case this new fall season,
you know, shall we say, blows...

...I've been fooling around
with some ideas for new shows.

Let's run this up the flagpole,
see if it waves. Stay with me here.

There's this mystic guy...

...wandering across the West
in search of his long-Iost brother.

Now, instead of guns...

Get this.

- He's fitted with an assortment
of fighting footwear.

It's called Kung Shoe.

- Now, Daddy?
- Not quite yet, pumpkin.

I think I got him hooked.

Okay, here's another idea.

Let's toss this in the oven,
see if it bakes.

Now, there's a shoe salesman
in the 23rd century, called Shoe Trek.

Okay, I got another idea.

Let's toss this in the bed with Madonna
and see if she sleeps with it.

Now, this has nothing
to do with shoes...

...but it's a hot idea
and I'd like to be personally involved.

It's called Breasts.

I just don't feel it.

What a surprise, huh?

All right, pumpkin, I want a five.

Daddy, I'm scared.
I mean, what if I'm not any good?

What if my intellectual bons mots...

...and witty little intersections
are only appreciated in Chicago?

I mean, back there
I was a big fish in a small bottle...

...but now I'm in Los Angeles,
the Big Apple.

What if I stink?

Pumpkin, I want you to have
as much confidence in yourself...

...as I had in my own self.

Of course, my present lack
of faith is understandable...

...since your average parking meter
makes more a day than I do.

But don't you worry.

You can be a huge success because
you have what every Bundy has:

Cute.

We're irresistible.

So you can succeed at anything.

- Because I'm special?
- No! Because it's show business.

You don't need talent or brains.

Thank you, Daddy.

We're ready for rehearsal,
Miss Bundy.

- Wish me luck.
- Pumpkin, I wish you more than luck.

I wish you satisfaction and success.

Because if you are a success,
I'll be so rich...

...I'll be able to hire somebody else to
put their hands down my pants for me.

Rehearsal in three, two, one...

Welcome to
Vital Social Issues 'N Stuff with Kelly.

I'm Kelly.

Okay, be cool. We're on TV.

Now, as you know if you were watching
channel 99 in Chicago last week...

...our topic was men's butts.

Now, we all felt that we didn't
explore men's butts sufficiently.

In fact, one butt
was left totally uncovered.

So to make it up to him...

...the Vital Social Issues 'N Stuff
with Kelly Butt of the Year is...

...Jason Priestley.

Beverly Hills, 90210!

Two palms up.

And if he is watching, we are staying
at the fabulous Motel Two...

...on the corner of Ghetto and Gang.

Oh, turn left at the hobo
who calls himself Moondoggie.

And now, on to an issue and stuff
that really sticks in my drawer.

Bad dates.

Roberta, why don't you tell us
and the entire nation...

...the story you told us after we all
swore that we would never tell anyone?

Sure.

Johnny DiBedetto.
He takes me to a movie...

...and you know how he likes
to put his tongue in your ear?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's right.

Well, he goes at it,
and the next thing I know...

...he sucked my earring
down his throat.

Not the blue ones
with the chains that hang?

He can't do anything right.
He once stuck his tongue in my eye.

Me too. He swallowed my contacts.

He missed my entire head
and got my dog, Wilbur.

Well, girls, what we've learned here is
that if you ever go out with Johnny...

...don't wear anything that'll fit down
his throat. You stink, Johnny.

- He is kind of cute, though, isn't he?
- Yeah.

Okay. Now I would like
to introduce our band:

Joanie and the Slashettes.

Girls?

Two, three, four...

Sex!

Well, I'm jelly.

We'll be right back with our resident
bad-perm victim, Jeannie.

This week, Jeannie has agreed
to let us shave her head.

Might as well. It's ruined.

Cut!

That was great. God, it was fabulous.

It was now, brown cow.

Thank you, Mr. Littlepants.

And thank you for
letting me do my own vision.

My own creation.
The fruit of my own loins.

- You really liked it?
- Oh, it was great.

You stepped up to the plate
in the bottom of the ninth...

...with the bases loaded, trailing
4-1 in St. Louis on a hot afternoon...

...100 degrees,
120 on the natural turf.

And the wind-up,
and here's the pitch. It's a hit!

That ball's going back, back,
way back, to the back of the wall.

Grand slam! And look!
Some lucky fan's got the ball right now.

And he wants your autograph!
Where's your pen?

Daddy, what the hell
is he talking about?

Just smile at the suit, pumpkin.

What I'm saying is, we love what
you're doing. Don't change a thing.

But before you go on, we just have
a few tiny little suggestions.

I can't believe they ruined
then cancelled my show.

Now, pumpkin, they just used research
and testing to mould the show...

...into something they felt
really related to the teens.

As we shall see,
research is never wrong.

And now, here's Kelly Bundy.

Hi. Welcome to my show. I'm Kelly.

Today we're gonna talk about
making our parents' lives easier.

- Neat.
- Keen.

Dy-no-mite.

You kids aren't just whistling Dixie.

Now let's hear a number
from our band.

Two, three, four...

Milk.

Thank you, Joanie and the Hepcats.

Now, let's talk seriously
for a moment.

We all wanna make
our parents happy...

...because they gave us
this precious gift of life.

Isn't that right,
fellow virgin teens just waiting...

...for the right man to come along?

- Neato.
- Right.

We'll be right back with library books,
the perfect Friday-night date.

Band?

Book.

- I didn't like my hair.
- Please.

You know something?
There is a bright side to all of this.

- What's that, Daddy?
- It's that nothing bad happened to me.

I mean, it's possible
that the Bundy cloud of failure...

...passed through me onto my children,
as I only dared to dream.

I mean, imagine,
nothing bad happened to me.

Next week, NBS presents
a new, exciting miniseries. ;

Joe Piscopo in Shoe Trek.

The shoe sizes are down, captain.

Mr. Sock, heels on stun.

Well, that's it. From now on,
nothing but cable for me.

Send money for the children.

Loofa the wrinkles away
the Ernest Borgnine way.

Hey, senior citizens,
are you losing your hearing?

Are you man enough
for a penile implant?

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