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♪ Terrible Tudors,
gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
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00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:07,000
♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
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00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,800
♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
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00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,480
♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
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00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:15,600
♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
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00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:18,040
♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages
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♪ Gory stories, we do that
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00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:23,280
♪ And your host, a talking rat
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00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:26,360
♪ The past is no longer a mystery
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00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,520
♪ Welcome to...
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00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:31,520
♪ Horrible Histories. ♪
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00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:35,520
Horrible Histories presents...
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00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:41,840
Yes, the Tudors, so terrible,
even their clothes were RUFF.
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00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:43,160
BADUM-TISH!
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00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:46,160
Yeah, I know, it was a bit early
in the show for that one.
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00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:48,480
The Tudors were
an English royal family,
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founded by the brilliant
King Henry VII,
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00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:54,240
whose years of prudent accounting
and sensible government
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are far too boring to mention here.
LOUD YAWN
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There he is, and when he died,
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00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,400
he couldn't pass the crown on to
his first son, Arthur,
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00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:04,720
on account of him being dead,
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00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,920
so Henry VII passed
the crown on to his second son,
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Henry... VIII, that's it.
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You know the one with
all the wife issues.
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00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:15,960
It's hard enough
finding one queen -
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00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,400
think how hard it must
have been finding six.
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His search for a wife
did not start well.
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Everyone is looking for that
special one in their life,
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00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:31,160
and for a king,
they must be royally special.
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Welcome to Historical First Dates.
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Henry VIII of England has
arrived for his first date.
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00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:41,280
Yeah, I'm, erm, pretty nervous,
but they tell me she's fit.
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00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,160
Catherine is a princess
of a powerful country
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and a devout Catholic.
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I just pray she's good
at real tennis.
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I'm Henry. Catherine.
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Oh, no. Oh, no.
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00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:58,000
She is also Henry's
dead brother's widow.
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00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:02,040
Seriously, does no-one check if the
dates were married to your brother?
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00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,080
Surely that's page one,
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00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,160
along with,
does she play real tennis?
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00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,880
Oh, this is a bit of
a non-starter isn't it?
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00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:11,760
I mean, the Tudor Church doesn't
even recognise in-laws as a thing,
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so you're actually my sister,
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and this is not ancient Egypt, so...
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Yes, a total disaster.
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00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:21,080
I am the daughter of the most
powerful king in all of Europe,
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and there's just not that many
people my Spanish father would be
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happy with me marrying.
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Your brother was perfect...
till he died.
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Yeah, although, I mean, you guys
weren't married that long, were you?
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Si, si, this is true.
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I mean, I could ask
the Pope to say that
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00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:39,400
you weren't married long
enough for it to count.
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00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:40,840
Kind of like the four-second rule,
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00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:43,480
when you drop a biscuit on the floor
or a piece of salami. Oh, yeah.
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I mean, he's bound to agree.
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How hard can this be?
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00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,520
OK, then, brother,
we shall be married.
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00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:53,760
Maybe drop the whole brother thing,
though, yeah? Will do.
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00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:55,800
So it went pretty well?
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00:02:55,800 --> 00:03:00,880
Si, si, I shall be marrying the heir
to the throne of England, again.
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I mean, for the first time.
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The other first time did not count.
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Good times, sis.
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I mean, wife, not sis.
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It's true, Henry did manage to
bend the rules so that
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00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:19,520
his brother's widow, Catherine
of Aragon, could become his wife.
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They had a
daughter called
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00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:24,080
Mary, but Henry
wasn't happy.
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He wanted a son to
be king after him.
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He was very hard
to please.
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00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,200
I mean,
just watch him
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getting ready
for bed.
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MUSIC: Greensleeves
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HENRY YAWNS
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Right, an early night, I think.
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00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:43,920
Sleepy Henry VII after another
hard day's ruling over everything.
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00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:45,880
Yes, good idea, sire -
an early night.
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00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,720
I shall just get the list,
Your Highness.
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00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:49,840
Step one, check for assassins.
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Clear!
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00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:52,600
Step two, lay down a bed of down,
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and three, check that
no-one is hidden inside.
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00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:56,680
Clear!
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00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:00,520
Step four, lay pillows, sheets and
blankets and a luxury ermine cover.
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00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:01,560
Ah...
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00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,640
Step five, all make
the sign of the cross.
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00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,440
Step six, all kiss the royal bed.
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00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,600
KISSES SQUELCH
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00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,120
Er, yes, all right, that's fine.
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00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,040
Step seven,
sprinkle with holy water.
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00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:17,880
For goodness' sake,
I just want to go to sleep!
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00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,640
Whose idea was all this nonsense?
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00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:21,720
Yours, sire.
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00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,560
Just give it here.
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00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:26,880
I'll whip through these.
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00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:32,040
Step eight, bring near
the royal night stool.
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00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,240
Step nine, lay out the royal
dressing gown,
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00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:39,240
and finally step ten,
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00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:41,720
build a solid brick wall to
prevent intruders
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getting anywhere near me as I sleep.
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00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:47,720
Come on!
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00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:51,880
Finally...
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00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:54,240
Ah, bliss.
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00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:57,880
BRICKS THUDDING
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00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:01,560
Shh!
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00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:05,920
COCKEREL CROWS
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00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,680
WALL CRUMBLES
Morning, sire. Breakfast.
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00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:08,720
Go away!
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00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:14,760
Six wives...and they
call me a rat.
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00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,000
Henry VIII was married
to Catherine of Aragon
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for 24 years,
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00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:20,480
and with no more children,
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00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,920
it looked like Mary
would become queen.
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00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,280
But the law said
if Henry had a son,
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then he would become king
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00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,840
even though he was younger,
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00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:30,920
because he was a boy.
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00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,920
Now, you might think that
sounds crazy and old-fashioned
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00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:34,960
but guess what?
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00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,520
That law wasn't changed until 2013.
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00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,600
Still, the longer
her parents went
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00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:41,960
without having a son,
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00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:46,360
the more certain Mary was
that she would become queen.
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00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,320
Hey, Catholic crew, Mary here.
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00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:52,120
♪DaddysLittlePrincess.
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00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,160
No, totally,
because Daddy is Henry VIII
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00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:58,560
and I'm the only surviving child,
so I'm going to be queen one day.
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00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:00,000
Hello.
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00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,440
Dad, you're so embarrassing.
Sorry, darling.
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00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,280
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
Ooh!
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00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:06,960
SHE GROWLS
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00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:10,240
OK, so Henry VIII, Dad, is saying
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00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:11,600
that his marriage to my mum
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00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,440
Catherine of Aragon doesn't count
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00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:15,160
because she used to be married to
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00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,000
his dead brother, and he's only just
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00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:20,000
realised that, like, 18 years later,
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00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,360
so now he's talking to the Pope
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00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:23,640
about having it cancelled
or something.
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00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:25,520
He just wants a boy to be king
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00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:26,680
after he dies.
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00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:28,360
♪HurryUpAndActuallyDie.
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00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,960
Popetastic news, people!
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00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,440
Rome said no.
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00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:35,800
In your face, Dad.
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00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,400
You think you can do whatever you
want just because you're king.
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00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,600
Well, you can't!
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00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:42,640
He can.
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00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:44,880
He's started his own church
and dumped my mum,
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00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:49,480
and now his new queen, Anne Boleyn,
is having a baby.
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00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:51,480
It so totally better not be a boy.
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00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,320
BABY CRIES
It's another girl! Yes!
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00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:54,880
Still heir to the throne.
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00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:56,920
No, Elizabeth is.
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00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:58,600
I made the new baby heir.
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00:06:58,600 --> 00:06:59,960
Now, do your homework.
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00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,880
I've done it. Well, do it again.
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00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,840
This is so unfair!
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00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,160
It's true -
in a bid to have a son,
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00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:09,920
Henry dumped Catherine
and married Anne Boleyn,
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00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:12,520
but Anne didn't
have a son either -
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00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,200
she had another daughter
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00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:15,520
called Elizabeth.
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00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:16,840
Great news.
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00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,200
Well, not really,
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00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:21,640
because Henry
still wanted a son.
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00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,800
It was an age of
great explorers,
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00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,840
and Henry was
already exploring
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00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,360
his options with
as much enthusiasm
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00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,680
as Columbus had
explored the world.
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00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,560
BELL RINGS
It's a new term,
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00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,800
and head teacher Hannah Lawrence
has just two weeks
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00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,240
to turn around the school,
whose last Ofsted rating was
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00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:41,400
"OMG, someone should flatten
this place and build a car park."
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00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,880
Welcome to Historical Educating.
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00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,720
I want the children to actually
connect with their subjects,
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00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:49,680
so, starting with
key stage two geography,
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00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:53,360
I'm bringing in a teacher who really
knows his subject first-hand.
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00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:56,280
-Class 7
-F's new teacher is Christopher Columbus.
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00:07:56,280 --> 00:08:00,800
Ciao, bambini. Yes, it is I,
the famous Christopher Columbus.
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00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,800
Wrong way, sir!
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00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,680
You are sitting in the
wrong place, innit?
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00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:10,760
My geographical calculations clearly
show you should be over here.
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00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:14,320
OK, Mr Columbus doesn't have
classroom experience
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00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:15,960
or a sense of direction,
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00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,240
but he discovered America,
for goodness' sake.
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00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:19,920
The kids can look up to him and say,
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00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:23,920
"Hey, maybe one day I can discover
a continental landmass too."
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00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:29,080
Who can tell me where you get to
if you set out from Spain, huh,
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00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:31,320
and cross the mighty ocean?
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00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:32,640
America, sir.
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00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,000
"America Sir"?
No, no, never heard of it.
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00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,960
No, it goes Spain, sea monsters,
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00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:42,160
sea dragons, Japan.
198
00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,360
That's not Japan, sir. That's Cuba.
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00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:45,800
HE SCOFFS
200
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,400
Cuba...
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00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,880
Oh, Mexico, Latin America...
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00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,320
No, no, no, no, this...
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00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:53,600
This globe is all completely wrong.
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00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,480
GLOBE SMASHES AND CAT YOWLS
Luckily, I brought my own.
205
00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,720
Sir, that looks a lot like a pear.
206
00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:00,440
Yeah, just like the earth itself,
207
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,840
which is why, when I went to Japan,
208
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,240
I had to sail uphill, innit?
209
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:06,160
THEY LAUGH AND GROAN
210
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:09,200
It's only 23 minutes
into the new term,
211
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,280
and Columbus is called into
the head teacher's office.
212
00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:14,600
Ah, peculiar - there's no-one here.
213
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,800
I'm over here.
214
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,080
Oh, well, according to
my calculations,
215
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:20,880
you should not be there,
you should...
216
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:23,920
Apparently your calculations
also say that the world is
217
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:27,120
pear-shaped and there's no such
place as America.
218
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:31,400
America again...
Look, there's no such place.
219
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,800
OK, I'll tell you what's gone
pear-shaped - this job.
220
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,080
You're fired.
Well, it's too late, cos I quit.
221
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:38,720
No, because I just fired you.
222
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:40,160
I can't hear what you're saying.
223
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,680
I am walking out of here
already, so...
224
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:45,480
That's a cupboard.
225
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,360
Not according to my calculations!
HE LAUGHS
226
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:52,000
Hello, Henry VIII here.
227
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,600
I was the second king of
the Tudor dynasty,
228
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,360
which ruled over England
for 120 years.
229
00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:01,880
I also hold the record for eating
the most pork in one sitting...
230
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,760
probably. I can't imagine
anyone's eaten more.
231
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:07,520
Yes, the Tudors were
pretty legendary.
232
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,840
Did you know my father Henry VII
was the first to call himself
233
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,040
a Tudor king?
234
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:15,160
But who was the last to
call themselves a Tudor?
235
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:16,520
Was it...?
236
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:26,600
The answer is C, Henry VII.
237
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:30,000
Yes, he was the first and last.
238
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,200
The rest of us were so embarrassed
by the name Tudor,
239
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:33,600
we never used it.
240
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:37,920
I mean, Henry Tudor,
sort of, silly, isn't it? Boring!
241
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,600
Sounds like Liz Windsor
or something.
242
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,720
Ridiculous name for a monarch.
Oi!
243
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,040
Sorry, Liz.
244
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,280
Still desperate
for a son,
245
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,280
Henry decided
to try again,
246
00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:50,960
and he had
his second wife
247
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,160
Anne Boleyn
executed.
248
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:54,600
BLADE SLICES
249
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,200
HEAD SQUELCHES
Ow.
250
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,000
So, Henry was
looking for
251
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,160
another wife.
252
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,320
Some are lucky in love -
253
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:07,880
they meet the woman of their dream
254
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:10,520
and they spend the rest of
their lives with them.
255
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,400
Others just chop their heads off.
256
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:18,040
King Henry is back looking for the
next next special one in his life.
257
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,840
The specially special,
special one.
258
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,680
Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
259
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:26,000
How's it going? Henry.
260
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,120
Jane Seymour.
261
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,320
Yup. Look, I'm, erm...
262
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,120
I'm sorry if I don't seem
in a great mood.
263
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:33,400
I'm just getting over a pretty
tough break-up.
264
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,720
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
You must be heartbroken.
265
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,480
Yeah, well, to be fair,
it's harder on her.
266
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,600
I mean, she is in bits.
267
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,440
HENRY INHALES SHARPLY
Look, do you want to get married?
268
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,520
I need a male heir pretty sharpish.
269
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:48,400
Yeah? Great.
270
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:49,440
Cheque.
271
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:51,920
Henry, you look really happy.
272
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:55,000
Well, I am, you know,
really happy. Erm...
273
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,320
She's the best one yet.
274
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:58,400
She's a winner, a keeper.
275
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,000
Not a divorcee.
276
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,240
Not a, you know, choppy.
277
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,800
She's a keeper, and she's
brilliant at real tennis.
278
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:07,480
Fantastic drop shot.
279
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,960
Good times, I hope.
280
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:11,760
Henry VIII finally had a son,
281
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,360
and Prince Edward became
282
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,040
the new heir to the throne,
283
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,080
but Jane Seymour sadly died
284
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:18,960
just 12 days afterwards,
285
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,600
and Henry was back in the market
286
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:21,680
for a new wife.
287
00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:23,440
A couple of years later
288
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:24,680
he married number four,
289
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:26,400
Anne of Cleves,
290
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:27,680
replacing her within days
291
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,920
with Catherine Howard,
292
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:31,960
and less than two years after that,
293
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,520
wife number six, Catherine Parr.
294
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:35,880
That one went pretty well,
295
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,440
mainly because Henry died
296
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:39,040
a couple of years later,
297
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,640
and now Edward VI
298
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,400
was the new Tudor King.
299
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,400
Hey, Protestant posse,
it's me, Edward,
300
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,360
current rightful heir, etcs.
301
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:49,400
I'm here with my big half-sis,
Lady Elizabeth.
302
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:50,480
Sup?
303
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:53,440
Yeah, so, cool, listen,
we've got some super-swag news
304
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,480
and some super-sad news.
305
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:56,520
Dad's dead!
306
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,160
Elizabeth, I was going to say that.
307
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,640
Edward's going to be king! Ah!
308
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:03,320
Could you...?
Right, yes, King Edward, OK?
309
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:06,880
Kedward!
I'm going to be king for ages.
310
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,320
Kedward's dead!
311
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,680
♪Boohoo again.
312
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,280
Queen at last!
313
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:17,040
Bad news, massive awks
between me and Lizzie-Beth,
314
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:21,560
so I had her locked in the Tower of
London just to be on the safe side.
315
00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:24,400
We're still totally besties,
though, obvs, kind of.
316
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,840
♪QueenForever.
317
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,000
Queen Mary lasted five years
318
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,080
on the throne, but with no heirs
319
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,000
of her own, she was succeeded
320
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,200
by her younger half-sister,
321
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,880
Elizabeth, and Elizabeth had
the same problem as her father,
322
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,880
her brother and her sister.
323
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:45,000
She needed a son, and that meant
playing the dating game.
324
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:53,040
Still single, Queen Elizabeth I
is attracting a lot of attention,
325
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,400
but choosing someone to
marry isn't easy.
326
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,880
She's hoping this first date
will set her heart aflutter.
327
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,080
Prince Eric, how are you?
328
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,480
I have date.
329
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:03,720
Fantastic. Follow me.
330
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:08,480
Your Majesty, may I present you
to your date, Prince Eric of Sweden?
331
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:12,800
Enjoy your date.
332
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:14,000
Thank you.
333
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:15,080
Hello.
334
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:18,360
Would you like to be
my husband, wife, happy face?
335
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,960
No. Just no.
336
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,120
Fred!
337
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,120
Your Majesty. Take him away.
At once.
338
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:28,280
Thank you. Come here.
339
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,320
Are you going to eat them?
Come here!
340
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,480
Long before Elizabeth was
on the hunt for true love,
341
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:41,240
explorers flocked to South America
to hunt for gold.
342
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:44,160
They would destroy everything
in their way to get it,
343
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,720
and had a habit of
killing the locals,
344
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:50,800
so the locals came up with
a clever idea to save themselves.
345
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:54,600
PARROT SQUAWKS
346
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:56,040
Sorry I'm late, babes.
347
00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:57,360
Oh, it's all right, it's quiet.
348
00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:59,240
Only a couple through so far.
349
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:01,440
Oh, hold on, here comes another lot.
350
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:06,400
Still no sign of these
cities of gold, Gonzalo.
351
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,000
FLY BUZZES
352
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,720
I'm beginning to doubt that
they even exist, to be honest.
353
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:13,200
But cities of solid gold, compadre,
354
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:14,800
why would the locals make that up?
355
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,000
FLY BUZZES
I don't know, but either way,
356
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,040
I think that we should
357
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,120
call off the search
358
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:20,640
and just burn down their villages
359
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:21,720
and steal all their stuff
360
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:22,760
like normal, please.
361
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,520
FLY BUZZES
Greetings, godlike warriors.
362
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:30,400
Seek you the fabulous cities of gold
that shine like the sun?
363
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:31,720
All right, don't overcook it.
364
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:36,120
Si, I, Gonzalo Pizarro, seek
the legendary city of El Dorado.
365
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:37,760
FLY BUZZES
I do that as well.
366
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:38,880
He does too.
367
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:43,000
It's down that path, away from our
village, and then you turn left
368
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,480
and then walk for about a week,
and then you climb over
369
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,920
the mountain, swim through
the Malaria-Infested Water -
370
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:51,080
don't worry about the name -
371
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,160
and then it's just up
there on the right.
372
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,640
I'm going to be richest man
in Spain! Ha-ha!
373
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:58,080
♪ La la la la la la!
Hey! ♪
374
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:02,160
Directions to the
crocodile breeding ground -
375
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,400
nice touch.
376
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,440
Oi, oi, incoming.
377
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,920
Look, natives. Let us torture them
until they tell us where it is.
378
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:13,480
No need, mighty masters, for legend
of your strength and heroism
379
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,960
has already reached us,
and we are so afraid.
380
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:20,080
Excellent. Ponce de Leon my be
hunting for the Fountain of Youth
381
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,760
in the north like an idiota,
382
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:24,920
but we, we hunt a city
made entirely of gold,
383
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:26,280
which is way more believable.
384
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,880
Right, so it's 100 miles that way,
385
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:32,120
turn right, look for a tree,
and Bob's your poncho.
386
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:33,440
What kind of a tree?
387
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,840
It's got a brown trunk
and green leaves. Can't miss it.
388
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,280
Ha! Glory awaits. Gracias.
389
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,240
MAN YELPS
390
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:44,080
You, you sent us to
the capital of crocodile!
391
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,200
You said it was that way
and then right.
392
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,880
No, it was a left. Oh!
393
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,280
Come on, Gonzalo, we've got to go,
394
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,360
or else we're never
going to find it.
395
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:53,680
Unless...
396
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:59,880
You aren't just giving us
the run-around to get rid of us?
397
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:01,960
No!
398
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,600
Gold city, thataway.
399
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:05,640
Really?
400
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:09,280
There is also a tribe of Amazonian
river women who really like kissing.
401
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,040
Oh. I like kissing too! Yeah.
402
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,720
Come on, Gonzalo.
Oh, which way from the path?
403
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,040
Right. Left.
404
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:17,240
Left. Right.
405
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:18,760
Left then right.
406
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,480
Seems simple enough. Let's go!
407
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,360
♪ Ha!
La la la la la la la... ♪
408
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:27,680
Those Spanish explorers never did
find the lost city of gold,
409
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,200
mainly because it didn't exist,
410
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,680
but that didn't stop others
looking, too,
411
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:35,000
including some famous
British pirates.
412
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,720
Oh, sorry, not pirates, explorers.
413
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,880
And they made a fortune,
not from El Dorado
414
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:45,400
but from stealing gold
from other people's boats,
415
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,600
which is totally not
what pirates do,
416
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:52,600
and lots of them came from
one particular place.
417
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,240
SEA SHANTY PLAYS
418
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,400
Pa, I don't want to go to sea.
419
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,120
Don't be daft!
420
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:03,000
The best navigators in the world
comes from Devon, just like us!
421
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,080
Come on, there's some people
I want you to meet.
422
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:11,440
Oh-ho-ho-ho! Sir Walter Raleigh
and Sir Francis Drake, it's me...
423
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:13,440
MUSIC SLOWS TO A STOP
424
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:14,680
..John Davis!
425
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:18,440
Discoverer of the Falkland Islands!
426
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:23,080
Oh, yeah, the place with absolutely
no gold and lots of penguins.
427
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:24,960
And absolutely no gold.
428
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,360
Yeah, I just said that. All right.
429
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:28,120
Oh, them penguins -
430
00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:30,200
better than gold,
if anything, I reckon.
431
00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:35,560
Anyway, my son says he doesn't want
to go to sea, would you believe it?
432
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:37,920
I'm begging your pardon,
you what, now, beg your pardon?
433
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:41,360
That's the best place for a fine
young Devon lad like yourself,
434
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:44,000
and we'll show you why,
through a song.
435
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:47,040
MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF
THE COMBINE HARVESTER
436
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:54,680
♪ I sailed right round the globe
and saw many a sight
437
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,000
♪ Ooh arr ooh arr
438
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,640
♪ I attacked Spanish ports
to show Queen Liz's might
439
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,120
♪ Ooh arr, ooh arr
440
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:04,400
♪ Sailed right back to England
with treasure in the hold
441
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:05,520
♪ Ooh arr, ooh arr
442
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:10,280
♪ The Spanish says I's a pirate
but I've still got all their gold
443
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:12,720
♪ Now I've got a brand-new land
to find
444
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,080
♪ And you can come with me
445
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:20,200
♪ We're going to make all our
fortunes when we cross the sea
446
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:24,720
♪ You can get a knighthood
and I'll get more wealthy
447
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,440
♪ Oh, I've got a brand-new land
to find... ♪
448
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:30,360
HE FARTS
♪ Just don't get dysentery
449
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:35,560
♪ I explored the new world
and set up colonies
450
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:36,800
♪ Ooh arr, ooh arr
451
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,480
♪ Brought back potatoes
but not the coconut
452
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,720
♪ That was me
Ooh arr ooh arr
453
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:45,160
♪ He fought in the Armada
and flirted with his queen
454
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:46,200
♪ Ooh arr, ooh arr
455
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:50,880
♪ I'll find El Dorado
and be the richest man ever seen
456
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,040
♪ Now I've got a brand-new land
to find
457
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:56,000
♪ So why don't you come with me?
458
00:19:56,000 --> 00:20:00,920
♪ We're going to make all
our fortunes when we cross the sea
459
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:05,480
♪ You can get a knighthood
and I'll get more wealthy
460
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:08,320
♪ But don't forget
to bring your sword
461
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,560
♪ Cos nothing comes for free
462
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:16,280
♪ I saw the Falklands
and discovered some penguins
463
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,960
♪ Ooh arr, ooh arr... ♪
464
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,120
MUSIC STOPS
465
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:21,880
Guys? It's my verse!
466
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:26,400
Oh, come on,
everyone loves penguins, right?
467
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:27,920
PENGUINS SQUAWK
468
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,600
Hello, I'm Queen Liz I.
469
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,760
Now, during Tudor times
we rarely took baths,
470
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:34,920
so, as you can imagine,
471
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:38,320
our underwear must have been
really rather smelly,
472
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:42,560
but what did I do with my royal
stockings after I'd worn them?
473
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:45,840
Did I...?
474
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:56,160
The answer is
475
00:20:56,160 --> 00:21:02,200
B, I very generously gave them
to my servants as presents.
476
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,480
Here you are.
477
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,120
SHE SNIFFS
478
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,360
SHE THUDS
Well, that's Christmas sorted, then.
479
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,080
Stockings for everyone. Ha!
480
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,760
18 years later, and with her
youthful looks now fading,
481
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:19,840
Queen Elizabeth is
on a first date with
482
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:21,600
teenage heir to the French throne,
483
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,920
Francis of Anjou.
484
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,520
Is he the man she's been
looking for?
485
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,680
Mother says I'm not
allowed to have wine.
486
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,040
SHE CHUCKLES
487
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:33,840
Oh, OK.
488
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,320
Orange squash it is, then.
489
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:36,440
Ah, oui.
490
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,680
So, will you be seeing
Francis of Anjou for a second date?
491
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:45,240
Well, I'm not getting any younger,
and he's quite attractive
492
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:49,520
in a youthful way,
so I've sort of agreed to marry him,
493
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:53,240
and when I die, France will rule
England, and then...
494
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:56,040
Oh, no, hang on.
495
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:57,760
Francis, you're dumped!
496
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:05,800
Ah, I remember Ratalie
and my first date.
497
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:11,240
We had a sewer picnic of rotten
fruit beside a river of poo and wee.
498
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:14,960
Ah, I can still see it,
and smell it.
499
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,960
It was perfect.
500
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:19,160
But it wasn't perfect for Elizabeth.
501
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:22,200
She was running out of time
to find a Tudor heir,
502
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:26,120
and after Elizabeth, the whole
Tudor dynasty came to an end.
503
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:30,120
But that's not to say
she didn't find love, of sorts.
504
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,840
That's right,
I'm married to England.
505
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,280
Suits me just fine.
506
00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:40,840
No snoring in bed,
and I think it means that
507
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,400
everyone in the country
has to buy me a present,
508
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:44,920
so win-win.
509
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:53,480
Farewell, Your Majesty,
510
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:56,520
but, hang on,
before you say goodbye to us Tudors,
511
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,760
there's just time to see
this fantastic Tudor sketch,
512
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:03,480
written by CBBC competition winner,
Abigail.
513
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,680
It's all about one of
King Henry VIII's odd laws.
514
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:07,800
Enjoy.
515
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:14,960
KNOCK AT DOOR
Arrow inspector, open up.
516
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:17,000
KNOCKING CONTINUES
517
00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:20,320
Hello, come in.
518
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,200
Right, you two,
you know the law.
519
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:25,600
All menfolk up to the age of 60
must each have a bow
520
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:29,640
and four arrows in the house to
protect in case of invasion.
521
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:32,040
His Majesty King Henry VIII
commands it.
522
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:33,800
One bow and four arrows, sir.
523
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:36,720
Ready and willing to protect
king and country, sir.
524
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,720
ARROW INSPECTOR LAUGHS
You're a bit young,
525
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,440
but I like your spirit, lad.
526
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,440
Right, well, thanks very much
for coming around.
527
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:46,280
Hold on, sir.
528
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:49,200
May I inspect your arrows, please?
529
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:50,240
Yeah.
530
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:55,920
Come on, come on.
531
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:59,800
Do you know how many arrows
I've got to inspect today?
532
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:01,560
There you go.
533
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:02,600
What's this, then?
534
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,640
This is the latest
in arrow technology.
535
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,200
Top of the range, this.
536
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,040
Well, that just
looks like a kitchen knife.
537
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:10,480
No, no, this...
538
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:12,760
This is state of the art
in the arrow world.
539
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:14,720
One of the sharpest arrows
on the market, this.
540
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,160
All the pros are using this one.
541
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,760
How about this?
That looks like a candle.
542
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:22,760
Yeah, yeah, I know,
because it's covered in wax.
543
00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:25,080
It makes it more aerodynamic,
flies quicker.
544
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:27,040
Oh, right.
545
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:29,520
What about this one, then?
That's just a loaf of bread.
546
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:32,440
THEY LAUGH
Bread!
547
00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:35,600
No, no, this is just blunt.
548
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,560
Needs a bit of a sharpen
and then, seriously,
549
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:38,680
when you get this...
550
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:40,200
Robin Hood would use these.
551
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:43,880
Oh, right. Very good, then.
552
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:50,440
Hold on, I said four arrows.
553
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:51,880
That's only three.
554
00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:56,560
There you go, four arrows.
555
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,200
Right, that's it,
these ain't arrows at all.
556
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,720
Unless you are a judge
or a churchman,
557
00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:04,400
or you've got a doctor's note,
you'll have to pay a fine.
558
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:06,000
I can get a doctors note,
no problem.
559
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,480
Yeah? What's wrong with you?
560
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:11,720
Ow!
561
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:13,120
I've been hit by an arrow.
562
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:24,160
It's a mammoth hit!
563
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,760
LAUGHTER
564
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:27,920
Cut!
565
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,720
I saw your hand creeping in.
LAUGHTER
566
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:33,080
I also like my... Clear!
567
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:34,960
Your what?
LAUGHTER
568
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:36,240
Hello again.
569
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:37,600
Oh, that was an English accent.
570
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,680
Sorry. I forgot I was French.
571
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:40,920
LAUGHTER
572
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,880
Ach, it's never late to
och, noo, ah.
573
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,520
LAUGHTER
Generic Scottish sounds.
574
00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,040
Your Majesty... Bonjour.
575
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:50,440
I know I'm just a common frog,
576
00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:52,640
but if you kiss me,
I could turn into a prince
577
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,160
and we could live
happily ever after.
578
00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:56,840
Well, go on, then.
579
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:58,760
HE SIGHS,
CREW LAUGHS
580
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:02,840
THEY LAUGH
581
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:03,880
Ha!
582
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:05,360
Huh!
583
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:06,440
Ah-hah!
584
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:09,520
Ah, what was the line?
585
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:11,960
Alfonso, how could you?
586
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,640
Ay, caramba!
587
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,000
LAUGHTER
588
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,720
♪ Tall tales, atrocious acts
We gave you all the fearsome facts
589
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,440
♪ The ugly truth, no glam or glitz
We showed you all the juicy bits
590
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,200
♪ Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel
591
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:27,000
♪ Stuff they don't teach you
at school
592
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,760
♪ The past is no longer a mystery
593
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:35,080
♪ Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories. ♪
594
00:26:35,130 --> 00:26:39,680
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