Original subtitles

Now, that brings me neatly to point 16.

There is still a great deal of noise going on at night -

laughing, giggling, horseplay.

Now, we all get bored - that's inevitable in our circumstances -

but may I remind you, we are at war. I wo...

Ah. Lieutenant!

Communique for you, sir, from HQ, marked urgent. Ah. Finally!

This'll be my requisition for a service revolver.

Good God! Sir? France has surrendered. My God!

ALL MURMUR

The Germans are coming!

I...don't think they'll be here just yet, sir.

What? Right.

May I suggest we initiate the emergency lockdown protocol, sir?

Yes! Yes, jolly good.

No, it's vital that nothing fall into enemy hands.

You heard the CO. Get to your duties.

Er...exciting times, Havers.

If they do invade, we may get a proper pop at Jerry. Yes!

About that, sir...

..I know we do vital work here, sir...

...but I want to get involved in the fighting.

I've put in for a transfer.

You're leaving?

There's talk of a North Africa front.

Yes.

Yes, well, I-I-I totally understand, of course.

Carry on.

Thank you.

BIRDSONG

And seeing as nobody else has volunteered,

I thought that this evening, before Film Club,

I would give you all a little talk on...activity badges!

ALL GROAN

So...

There are 37 badges that you can collect.

Badge number one, bivouacking! All right!

Clever dicks!

But I'm sorry, I mean,

if anyone else has anything new that they'd like to...

Ooh, ooh, I could do my talk on how to skin a mammoth.

You start at the end...

That's not new! That's not strictly new, is it?

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

I'm ready to talk about the witch trial.

THEY ALL GO SILENT

Witch trial...

If...if it be of interest.

Oh! Oh, Mary!

I mean...if you're sure. I mean, if you feel like you're ready.

Well, I knows it's taken me a whiles to-to talk.

Only about 300 years.

But, yeah, I-I think I'm ready.

Brillo pads. You OK? Can't flipping wait!

And we'll do that before Film Club. Before. OK.

And how many rooms do you have? Well, I think there's, like...

Natural light! So that's a...

FLOORBOARD CREAKS

Ooh! Period stairs - clearly.

Interesting space.

Sort of...rustic.

Colonial!

Quite a niche market, wedding-wise.

I heard Isabelle from Belle's Weddings passed

and you were sick on her.

Ah, no, I was sick near her. Mm.

Some went on her. A little bit.

Can I be honest with you?

I don't like it.

I love it! It is a little shabby round the edges

but with a bit of zhooshing up, this could really suit the right couple.

And do you happen to have any clients who are interested, like...

Soon? There is one -

Clare, I'm showing her some other places today.

She wants to book in ASAP.

Shotgun wedding! Ah...

I'm kidding. I think this could work for them.

Piano - tick!

Open fireplace - tick!

Canape room - tick.

Mood painting of creepy old lady - tick.

Kitchen - tick. Perfectly placed

to allow you to flow right through this corridor,

straight into your garden at the back

where you can set up your main marquee right...here!?

Oh, no! Er, yeah.

We can't show people this!

There's rough around the edges, and then there's a bombsite.

We haven't quite got round to clearing it yet. But we will.

By this afternoon? When? What?

I was going to bring Claire round after showing her the other venues

but I can't show her this!

You have to make space for this sort of marquee

if you want to host weddings here.

Without it, you've no catering flow.

No flow, no go. Yeah...

Guys, you've got to get it wedding ready.

We'll clear it. We will?

Is what I wanted to hear!

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

Let's make this happen.

I'll delay Clare as long as I can. Say...four o'clock?

Ciao-ciao!

Five hours?

Loads of time!?

So, Film Club! Now, I know it's not my turn to choose, but

I would like to lobby hard... for Top Gun.

Not again!

I don't know about you, Mary, but, er, I quite like the look, of, er,

ooh, Chariots Of Fire?

No. Actually, er, how about... Mississippi Burning?

Towering Inferno?

Hmm! Huh! Maybe she is ready. Could be the case.

Anyway, it's my turn to choose this week, so tish-tish-tish...

I don't think so, mate! It's mine.

Faradiddle, sir! You had your turn two weeks ago. You swapped with me.

No, no, I don't recall to that.

Even if I did, it would have been a verbal, non-binding agreement.

You show me your thumb, sir?

I would show you my glove, sir! If I had one.

I would give you a bunch of fives, mate.

I used to box for Cambridge, y'know! Go! Let's go, pal!

Guys, guys, guys, guys! S'il vous plait!

French. Ooh!

Why don't we put it to the vote?

Oh, yeah, put it to the people, like they know what they're doing!

SCOFFS

Hands up who thinks it's Thomas's turn.

I've got my hand up. Probably. Somewhere.

Ra-da-da-da-da! Hang on, not everyone's here.

Well, where are they?

GIGGLES

Ahhh!

HUMS CHEERFULLY

Oh!

Hmm! Ooh!

Oh...my...God.

Oh, Martin's right. We're never going to be wedding ready.

Well, let's get redding-wea... redding-ready. Er, wed...

COMMOTION

Oh, no. Ready...

Alison, if you please,

Julian says that it's his turn to choose Film Club,

and it isn't, it's mine.

Please, everyone, we're having a bit of a crisis here.

This is a crisis. You know? I mean, it might not be the Suez Crisis,

but it's a very... Guys, guys, guys, guys,

shut up! Good! Let her speak.

It's all right, you can speak.

We're trying to get this wedding booking.

Oh, there's going to be a wedding? How wonderful!

The dresses, the men, the kissing...

But we need to clear this whole garden by four!

We're never going to do it!

Hang on a minute. Ooh, jinx.

You go first, Michael. We can do it.

If we clear that... Hmm...

..and then we move this... And I'll help, too.

How, Pat? I could be your wingman! You know, like in Top Gun.

I can be Goose to your Maverick. Yeah.

I'll keep this lot occupied while you do what you have to do.

And Goose dies in the film so, y'know...it works out, doesn't it?

Thanks, Pat. Yeah. Of course we can fit a marquee in.

I mean, how hard can it be? They put a man on the moon.

What? What? What did he say?

Er... Man on moonah?

OK, I'll go get the tools. You check the measurements.

Let's get redding red... Wedding ready. Redding... Wedding ready.

Let's get wedderi... It's wedding ready. Let's do this!

Yesss!

Alison, what was the man doing up there on the moon?

They went to explore. Oh!

And how did he get there? Climb up a beanstalk, did he?

You're dicked in the knob. Wha...?

I don't believe it. No. No!

There's no way it could happen!

Pat, now would be a really good moment to be a wingman.

Great! OK, everyone, let's turn and burn.

Oh, sorry, Mary. MARY WHIMPERS

It's a quote from Top Gun.

Let's grab the computer that folds.

Oh, goodness me!

Ooh! Ohhh!

But he's such a...a ruffian!

CLANKING AND SCRAPING

Oh!

Think about it, Robin. Man has always looked up at the moon

and thought... "Can you eat it?"

No, "Can you walk on it?"

Press play.

In 1969, the world watched in wonder

as three brave astronauts took off from Cape Canaveral.

Their destination - the moon.

Ooh! It was an amazing moment.

Everyone remembers where they were. I was with Carole, at her parents'.

Fish and chips for tea.

It was the first time I ever tried a battered jumbo sausage.

Never looked back!

I missed the whole thing. I was still a student at Cambridge

busy having my own "moon landing" if you know what I mean!

My first threeso...

Moonah!

Ah, there you are. What's going on here?

Oh! I'm, er, helping Alison.

Yes, keeping this lot busy while she and Mike dig up the garden.

Which garden?

How are you getting on?

It's going to be a squeeze. First, we have to clear all of this.

No! No.

Belay that order, Michael. You can't dig there. That's a negative.

Wait. Sorry, one second, Mike.

Didn't you tell them we're busy?

Most of them are watching YouTube. Jel.

Why can't we dig there?

Because that's a very special part of the garden.

Er, that was where our allotment was, the regimental allotment.

It's fine, Mike, just keep digging.

But, no, it's where we buried our pets.

Er, my dog is buried there, right there,

and he was very special to me. Barry.

Barry? Barry.

Wait, Mike.

So, sorry, you had a dog called Barry?

Mm.

OK. Mike, you can just carry on. No, thank you, Michael!

Ohhh! Oh, that was a deep one. Ohhh!

Call him off! Call him off, I tell you.

OK, just one second, Mike.

When I was at Button House, there was a war on.

I don't think that's ever come up before.

There is something buried down there that is very sensitive.

Captain, the war is over.

Is it, Alison? Is it?

Yes, it is.

Please...don't dig.

There is something down there

that is potentially explosive if it gets out.

Er...Mike, do you think we could clear the other side?

Just the other side, Michael.

Looks like a lot of work.

Sorry. It's a ghost thing. Well...

OFFICER SHOUTING ORDERS OUTSIDE

KNOCK ON DOOR Come!

Ah! Havers.

At ease, at ease. I was just thinking about you, actually.

How's the emergency lockdown coming? Very good, sir.

Most items have been squared away, as per the order. Excellent!

I see... I've come to tell you that...

Sorry, you first, Lieutenant. LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I'm afraid I'm leaving you, sir...

..at 1800 hours this evening.

So soon?

That would explain your new service revolver.

CAPTAIN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I don't suppose they sent one for me, did they?

Only for front-line personnel at this stage, sir.

Of course. Yes.

It's North Africa, sir.

I'll be able to have a proper swing at Fritz!

You make sure you give them a bloody nose!

I shall miss you, Havers.

By which I mean, of course, that we shall miss you.

And I know the Button House XI will certainly miss your cover drive.

Thank you, sir. Well...if that's all?

Yes.

I say, Havers?

It's a bally shame we won't get to finish the operation together.

DOOR CLOSES

..which leads to the question - where next?

Mars, or even the outer edge of our solar system?

Only time will tell.

Well, I never.

Anyway, Film Club. Yes! Now,

I was thinking 9 1/2 Weeks.

Over my already dead body, sir! Fine by me!

Guys, guys, look, why don't we settle this properly, OK?

Quite right. Let's settle this like men.

Would you care to step outside, sir? Yes, I would, sir. Indeed, sir.

Guys, you don't have to do...

Where are you going? I promised Alison that you would... Ohhh!

GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION

OK, the moon landings. Everybody says it's real,

but what if that's just what they wanted you to believe?

Oh!

Right, you both know the rules, so we're agreed.

To solve this once and for all -

on three...

One, two,

three...

What's that supposed to be? Pistol.

Thomas... I always choose pistol.

Yeah, it really worked out for you last time, didn't it?

There were circumstances around my death, I'll have you know, sir.

It's rock, paper, scissors, Thomas. I thought I told you.

No, it's all right, let's play it his way.

One, two, three...

IMITATES MACHINEGUN

What's this now? AK-47 assault rifle.

Sold 50 crates of these bad boys to the Libyans in '83.

Paid for my orangery!

You can have one of these as well.

CLICKS HIS TONGUE You don't get two weapons!

IMITATES GRENADE EXPLODING Julian, come on!

And this. Pshhhhh!

You're on fire, mate. Argh!

Sorry, Mary. Well, no, actually, because... Sorry!

Argh! I'm melting! Can't feel it. Nothing happened.

What should we do with all this?

Maybe just pile it up over there and then we'll deal with it later.

I think we might just do this. See? Told you!

Redding red... Redditch...

We got this. Mm.

Oh, great...

How are we going to move that?

I think we might have to break it up with a big hammer or something.

What? We can't do that! Can we?

Yeah, why not? Florence!

Oh...wait. I can already tell this isn't good news.

Who's Florence, Kitty? She was one of my best friends.

I used to play hide-and-seek in the garden with my sister

and I was so good at hiding that often she couldn't find me

for a whole day and night!

I once got so hungry, I had to eat a bit of my purse.

Florence kept me company.

Oh, so you made a statue of her?

No, she is a statue. Eh?

That's enough. We'll sort this out right now.

Guys! Oh, I'd forgotten all about you.

Zoinks! Where've you been hiding?

Guys, she's a statue!

Pat, you were supposed to be keeping everyone occupied. Yeah...

It's like herding cats!

I'm sorry, Alison, I'm a terrible wingman.

Well, can you at least sort out these two?

SIGHS Yes.

Oh! Hang on! Guys? I think I've had an idea.

Follow me. Let's turn and burn...again.

So, are we smashing this up or what? Aaargh!

All right, one sec, Mike. No, Kitty, please.

Oh, please stop, please.

We won't...we won't destroy Florence.

We're just going to, er... we could move her.

It's a deal...as long as you play hide-and-seek with me. Ah.

So we're moving her? Yeah. Sorry.

I think you might be an expert at this game. I'm very good at it, yes.

OK. Well, you hide first. Ooh! Ooh-hoo...

One...two... You'll never find me, Alison!

..three... OK!

Sorry.

..that's why we need to look seriously

at the grassy knoll. I mean, look at those angles.

..because Elvis Presley did not die that day on the toilet.

That's how we know the British monarchy was replaced by weasels.

GRUNTS IN AGREEMENT

No, it's fine. I have to say, it's lovely to be included.

Game on!

See what you've got.

HUMPHREY WAILS

Julian, serve! Bring it!

Adrenaline

Fie!

Whoaaaaa!

Yeah!

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC

♪ She said I'm ready to go again

♪ She loves the adrenaline

♪ Until she feels that sweet sensation

♪ She loves the adrenaline! ♪

Whoa!

Hello, Alison.

KITTY CHUCKLING

Oh! Ohhh! You found me!

Oh, I found... Oh, you're playing, too!

I don't know... Yes!

No-one has ever found me before, ever!

You're so good at this. Thank you.

Right, your turn to hide. I'll count, you hide, and I'll seek.

OK... One...! Oh, it's numbers! Two...

Oh, no, it's numbers! Three...

GRUNTS

Ohhh! Ooh! Oh!

Fanny! Fanny!

Oh! Oh, Captain! Fanny, are you quite all right?

No. No, I find myself having a, er...

..a conniption fit. Good Lord!

Er, er, I have become... attracted to someone.

Well, Fanny, I, er...I'm very flattered, er,

but I've got a lot of problems of my own at the moment...

Oh, good heavens, no!

No? Not you!

No, no, no. Never you! Yeah...

No, I-I...cannot say who.

But I know not what to do.

Now, steady, Fanny, steady the buffs.

Now, look here, nothing good will come of it.

You must take that emotion and you must bury it.

Never let it out.

No more, Fanny, no more. Wha...?!

Ooh! Oh!

Any luck? Just can't move...

BOTH STRAIN

THUD Argh!

It's pointless!

HE GRUNTS

That was my favourite toe! You have a favourite toe?

Don't you have a favourite toe? I've not really thought about it, Mike.

No, no, not fair. The head was out. By a nose!

What?! Tell them, Humphrey.

Oh, don't ask me. I'm just happy to be part of the game.

I feel so alive! LAUGHS

Right, well, as the judge here...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's listen to the judge.

Let's listen to the man.

What? Lone gunman? Do me favour!

And Paul McCartney died in 1966.

I know it. Don't even get me started on the so-called "moonah landings".

GROANS IN FRUSTRATION

Whooo! Sorry!

Don't worry. It's quite a nice view.

THUD

GASPS

KITTY LAUGHS

Ha, ha, found you! Ohhh!

How wonderful!

Now, erm, you hide and I'll counting.

Yes. No peeking! No, no peeking.

KITTY LAUGHS

One...two...

..three...four...

Oh, I'm so done with this. No. No.

You know what? ..14...

We've cleared loads. I'll get rid of the garden waste

and we'll make the best of it. Huh?

Yeah. Alison!

GASPS

There is something I must confess.

It is a matter of moral rectitude, and I can hold it in no longer.

Open your eyes!

Next, you'll be telling me gravity doesn't exist!

Well, you can't see it. How do you know?

Alison, could you explain to Robin that the moon landings were real?

The moon landings! You cannot be serious.

..97...98...

..99...100!

Oh. Ah...

SCREAMS

What the bally hell do you think you're playing at?

Alison! Get away from there!

Get down! Get right out of the way. It's going to blow!

It's a bomb!

Mike, Mike, get back! Just get back!

Go!

Get d-o-o-own!

ROBIN GASPS

Captain?

Oh.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

KITTY GIGGLES

Yeah, maybe you right about gravity.

Now, I realise that was an utterly futile gesture,

but I was very much caught up in the moment.

Wh...what the hell was that?

Er, I was very clear, Alison.

What? I didn't think you meant literally explosive!

I thought you meant, like, it was scandalous. No!

It was a prototype limpet mine.

It was so secret that only I knew about it

and my second-in-command Lieutenant Havers, but...he left me.

I mean, he left for the front.

So, er, I had to bury it on my own, along with the blueprints.

Operation William, it was called.

CAR HORN HONKS Oh, that's Martin.

That was a ghost thing? Yeah.

Maybe next time tell me if it's a bomb!

I didn't know!

OK, I'll stall Clare and Martin in the house and you just...

Oh, you just do what you can.

Yeah. Actually, a very clever little device,

a cunning timing mechanism in the housing

allowed the frogmen to exfiltrate safely.

Anyway...

They've gone, haven't they? Good!

Go on. Ah, Robin. Now, so, they had four suckers... Suckers.

..and they attached the limpet mine underneath the waterline... Oh!

..blew a hole in the boat and, then, of course, the boat sank.

..and this is the main common room. Again.

Erm, we thought... It is really nice, but can we...?

Did...did you want to see the library? Again?

I'd really love to see the garden.

Now...Claire, I...I need you to keep an open mind.

We know that the rest of the house can be dressed, um,

and we are working on the garden, believe me. Erm...

ALISON GASPS

Redding weddy!

I love it!

CHUCKLES Great!

OWL HOOTS

OK, so, really exciting presentation tonight, guys.

As promised, Mary is going to be giving a talk

about her witch trial.

No, sorry, no! I've had, erm, a...a bit of a setback.

OK. OK, yeah, that's understandable, isn't it, given the, erm...?

Sorry. Yes.

So, now, seeing as we technically didn't finish the match,

I'm calling the volleyball game a draw.

What? Are you on drugs? No! I was ahead!

That's enough. That's absolutely enough. I've had a bellyful!

Now, since we can't resolve this,

I've decided that I'm going to choose the film tonight.

Is it Love Actually? I love Love Actually, actually.

9 1/2 Weeks. The Notebook.

Please don't shout out, OK?

The film I've chosen has something for everyone -

drama, visual poetry...

It's got some of your lot in it, Robin.

Ooh! And...some pretty ladies for Julian. Yeah!

It is, of course, 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Thanks, Pat. You can be my wingman any time.

Bullshit, you can be mine.

It's from Top Gun.

Just here.

THEME FROM 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY

Ooh, that's got a kick to it, that.

OK. Mm. Mm!

What was it you wanted to talk to me about?

Oh! No, just a passing fancy is all, Alison.

Please don't trouble yourself.

Kitty, I'm sorry about Florence. CORK POPS

Oh, that's all right. I wasn't really that fond of her, anyway.

You're a much better best friend than she was.

Thanks, Kitty.

Wait. No, that not right.

What? Earth not round. It flat.

You what? It flat.

To our first wedding booking! Cheers.

Here's to buried secrets.

MUSIC BUILDS TO A CLIMAX