All language subtitles for Amy-Schumer -Mostly-Sex-Stuff_2012_English-ELSUBTITLE.COM-ST_3289041

Edited at https://subtitletools.com

[rock music]

J‘J‘

[cheers and applause]

[Anya Marina's Flinty plays]

J‘J‘

- Fuck, yeah!

[cheers and applause]

This is such
a big night for you.

Um...

but I'm celebrating.

lfinallyjust slept
with my high-school crush.

[cheers and applause]
Right?

Thank you.

Thank you,
but I swear, now he, like,

expects me to go
to his graduation.

[laughter]

Like I know where I'm gonna
be in three years, right?

I'm like, "Whoa!"

Slow it down.

Fucking kids, right?

Fucking small kids.

You look, like, upset.
Like, I don't fuck kids.

That's a joke.

Like, lwould never—

I shouldn't say never.

That's like—
you don't know—

| feel like ljust painted
myself in a corner there.

But, um,
that's not a good way to start.

This is a beautiful theater.

I should be really grateful.

I worked at a fish restaurant
last week.

Like, I did stand-up
at a fish restaurant,

just so you guys know.

That's not ajoke.

People were, like,
eating mussels,

and they were just like,
"Check."

And l was like, "Can you just
let me try and pursue my dream?"

[laughter]

And this place
is so beautiful.

I should have started off

with something
otherthan kid fucking.

You guys are right.

Start over.
Class it up.

My mom's a cunt.
Hear me out.

[laughter]

Go with me on this,
you guys.

Um, I know, like, not everyone's
comfortable with that word.

Half of you were like,
"Ugh," right?

"No, don't say that."

And the other half of you
were like, "Oh, my God.

What a coincidence."

[laughter]

"That cunt should meet
my cunt mom."

ljust—l brought her
to a soccer game

'cause I wanted her to see
what boundaries looked like,

you know?

l was like, "Look,
stop wearing my clothes."

Ugh.

She's always bragging
about the dumbest stuff.

The other day she
was telling me, she was like,

"You know, I can still fit
in my wedding dress,"

l was like, "Oh, my God.
Who cares?" Right?

lmean, it is weird
that she's the same size now

as she was when she
was eight months pregnant,

but I just—

[laughter]

I don't think bragging's cool.

Are you okay?

You're, like, choking.
No?

Are you allergic to talent?

[laughter and cheering]

Hi. Hi.

I'm just kidding.
Are you okay, really?

You need anything?
Okay.

Oh, God.

I don't need another death
under my belt.

Speaking of me taking
Plan "B" last week,

ldid.

You know—
you know what it is?

There are some people here—
it's the morning-after pill.

I take it the night before
'cause I'm smart.

But...

some people like to—
I'm with you good people.

I believe birth
begins at conception.

So ljust, like,
beat that shit.

Uh...

Plan Bizzle.

Who's taken it?
Who's taken it?

Thank you.

Oh, sorry,
a room of heroes.

Everyone's like,

"Eh."

This place is old.
There's probably—

you're probably
being inseminated

by the seats right now,
let's be real.

I did, I took it.

lt's over the—

I went to my normal pharmacy.
lwalk in.

The pharmacist is like,
"Hey, Ame."

I'm like, "Please don't call me
a nickname."

He's like,
"What do you want, Ambien?"

I'm like,
"No, I'm not addicted to that.

"You guys know that.

| only take that
when I'm drinking."

They're like,
"What do you want?"

l was like, "Plan B',"
and they were like—

they didn't even hide it.

They were like,
"Ew, you whore."

lwas like,

"You can't—
you can't say that."

They're like,
"You're gonna feel nauseous."

l was like, "Ugh."

ltook it,
lfelt fine.

I went to yoga.

I'm like,
"Can these people tell

"I'm, like,
mid-aborsh right now?

This is..."

[laughter]

[hums]

This is not good.
It was easy.

They should call it Plan ”."A
That's howl used it.

It's a great plan.
Let's start with this one.

l—l don't—

I don't think that's, like,

adorable that
| just took Plan ”."B

I'm 31.
Like, that's not cute at all.

That's cute when you're, like—
you're, like, 21, right?

You go,
you sit on your mom's bed,

you cry, you're like,

"Oh, the condom broke."

I'm like,
"The what broke?"

"What now?
What's this you speak of?"

I do, I still think I'm 20.
It's so gross.

Like, every bar | go to,
| show my ID.

They're like,
"No, that's okay."

Like, "Wow, they're
really relaxed here.

"I hope they don't get raided.

This place, I don't know."

But the girls I grew up with,

they're living
normal adult lives, you know?

So they call me now, and they're
like, "Ame, I'm pregnant."

And I still react like,
"What are you gonna do?"

[laughter]

"No."

I'm like,
"I'll drive you, I guess."

They're like,
"No, you're gross,"

I'm like,
"Oh, we keep them now."

Keep them.

That's my favorite
reality show.

You know the show Teen Mom?

Or if you're
from the South, Mom.

[laughter]

They don't wait, right?

This is poor planning
on my part.

I'm kind of dizzy.

I donated blood today.

That's what I call
getting an AIDS test.

I know, that j—

people, like, hate thatjoke
if they have AIDS.

[laughter]

So if you didn't laugh,
get tested.

Check it out.

Check it out.

You have it.
You have it.

[laughter]

I'm a healer.

lwent through
a breakup this year.

l was dating this guy.

lwalked in
on him masturbating.

Yeah, he's like,
"Are you mad?"

I'm like, "Uh, no,
but you seem to be.

Holy shit."

[laughter]

I'm like,
"Does it owe you money?

"Why are you—"

"Is that waterboarding?

I don't feel safe."

Me and this guy,
we were so different.

I knew we were—like, he was,
like, really into family.

You know,
and I mentioned my mom.

Like, he'd never come on
the road with me on the weekends

'cause he wanted
to spend time with his wife.

And ljust—

I'm better.

No, the truth is

I thought he was gonna
break up with me

the whole time
forthe lamest reason—

because I wouldn't swallow.

But I have a nut allergy.
Like, what did he expect?

I'm gonna risk my life...

for his empty calories?

No!

Stop telling us
it's good for our skin.

Fuck you guys.

[laughter and cheering]

One girl was like,
"Oh, okay."

Guys are so gross, right?

Guys are gross.

You're gross, okay?

They're so gross.

I had sex with a guy recently,

more semen than you've
ever seen in your life.

l was like, "Did you
just get out ofjail?

What's—what is
the meaning of this?"

"It's a compliment."

"No, no."

But that's what guys want
'cause they're so gross.

If it were up to them,
we'd all look like Carrie

in the prom scene
at the end, just,

"Ugh."

No girl wants that.
We don't want that.

We're lazierthan you.

If it were up to me,

the cleanup would be
me taking a Q-tip

going, boop, asleep.

That's it.

Instead I was like,
"I've been slimed."

"| feel like a contestant
on Double Dare right now."

[cheers and applause]

"Let me just get this
self-worth off me real quick."

That's why I don't like porn.

Well, I like to watch porn.

Like, what girls
in here like porn?

[women cheer]

Thank you.
I love it.

All the—all the whores
are in the front.

This is the best.

Girls in the back are, like,

reading books.

They're like,
"50 shades of what?"

That reference
will not be funny

by the time
this show comes out.

People will be like,
"What a hack.

Oh, God."

More references
about right now,

how about Sandusky—
no.

Wasting everyone's time
in the editing room.

So, yeah, I like porn.

I like that casting director
one, that's funny.

He never finds the right girl.

What do these girls have to do?

I don't like to watch
the end of porn.

I don't like
to watch the end of any porn,

'cause guess what happens
at the end of the rainbow

every time.

Spoiler alert,
he cums on her face.

Oh!

What an amazing
choose-your-own adventure

that always ends
exactly the same.

There's never a twist, right?

He's never like—
the guy is having sex with her,

and he looks off camera
in her backpack, he's like,

"Oh, are you reading that
Nicholas Sparks book too?"

"Oh, my God.
What are the chances?

Let's start a bed
and breakfast together."

No.

He just cums on her head.

We don't wanna see that.
I don't want—

'cause we think about that girl.

Like, that poor girl,

and we know, as soon as
the director yells "cut,"

that she's just stumbling around
like Helen Keller

looking for a towel,
just where—

"Did you guys go to lunch?

"This isn't cool.

You promise this is good
for my skin?"

That's so funny.

Am I the only person
who ever walked in the audience

during their special?

Three little Asian chicks
werejust like...

[laughter]

And that's not racist,
that's just—

I'm just saying that that's
how all Asian people walk.

Just very creepy.

I know I'm in San Fran.
I should watch my back.

But, uh...

I think I could take
those girls.

That was funny.
I was watching them.

Like, every time | referenced
semen, they were just like,

"Oh, no."

Yes.

It's not for shock value.
This happens, right?

Come on, you guys,

we've all taken a load
somewhere we're not proud of.

So...

Like, my mom's here.

Um...

So the guy I was dating,
he was, like, so lazy.

He was one of those dudes,
like, he wouldn't go down on me.

I had to become a climber
every time, you know?

Head up there,
just holding on to the headboard

like a nosy neighbor
peeking overthe fence.

| feel like Wilson
from Home Improvement.

I'm like, "Hey, Tool Man,
what's, uh..."

That was embarrassing
up there.

That's the worst dismount
in the biz.

I don't care how you slice it.

So I'm, like, single now.
I'm dating.

I suck at dating.

| go out with these guys.

This guy wanted to go dancing
the other night.

Like, have you ever had
a guy who's trying to date you

be like, "Let's dance"?

It's like,
"Uh, I don't know."

I'm like, "lt's—"

I'm like, "Look, lthink you
wanna go to the parade."

[laughter]

And it's also
'cause I'm the worst dancer.

l dance like your—
like your aunt at a wedding.

Like, every move I do,
I'm surprising myself.

I'm just like,

"Oh, wh—what?

"Whoa, whoa.

Nobody saw it going this way."

Everybody
saw it going that way.

It's so awful.
So I'm, like, dating now.

I'm, like, going on dates.

Whenever I start
seeing someone,

I'm, like, this alternate
version of myself.

lt'sjust like—
I'm just, like,

you know, trying to be
super-cool new girl.

I'm like, "Let me just sweep
this crazy under the rug

"for a couple months.

"You don't need to—
you don't need to see this

till month three."

I went on a date
with a guy recently,

and he was, like, really hot.

So I was pretending to be
a good person, you know?

l was saying things like,

"I love kids,
and I'm not racist."

[laughter]

Just vague lies.

And you have to, like, pretend
like you wanna use a condom.

I like to say something fun
when I bring it up, but honest.

I'll be like,
"You're gonna wanna wear this.

I've had a busy month."

"It's like a Petri dish
right now.

I don't know
what's happening."

People are so upset
about my vagina right now.

They're like, "No!"

Here—but this guy,
we went out,

and he was like—

you can tell
when a guy dates a lot.

He had, like,
date questions.

He was like, "If you could
have lunch with anybody,

living or dead,
who would it be?"

I thought about it.

I answered honestly,
lwas like,

"Mark Twain.
I think he was hilarious."

And he goes, "Pfft, Amy,
it's got to be somebody real."

lwas like,
"Oh, you're legit retarded.

That's so cute."

"I'm gonna sleep
with a retarded person."

ldid.

So I've been on the road
a lot lately,

and every town I go to,
you have to do, like,

local press, you know?

The, like,
Greenvi/le Who Gives A Shit.

Like, everybody has a paper.

And they all ask the same
questions every week.

They ask me
the same, exact question.

They'rejust like,

"What's the hardest part
about being a female comedian?

What is it?
What's the hardest part?"

And, like,
what would you guess?

-Um...

- Well, it's the rape.

[laughter]

The three Asian chicks
just walked back in here,

and I said that,
and they went...

[laughter]

No, but it is.
It's all the rapings.

No—but they ask—
they'rejust like—

and I guess
it's a normal question,

"Is it harder
forfemale comics?

Is it harder?"

And it's not.

Like, they think
we just get up here

and just bleed
all overthe stage.

I'm just,
"Oh, my ovaries.

How do I keep them
in my body?"

Like, it's totally not harder.

It's harder to be a chick
in general, for sure.

That sucks.
That's not fun.

. Right?
Right, girls?

No, it is.
It sucks.

Just in terms of laziness.

Like, look at the guys
you're here with tonight, okay?

Some of them bangable,
not all of them.

Let's be real.

Let's keep it honest, okay?

But, like, what did you do
to get ready, you know?

Like, how long did it take you
to get ready?

You didn't get ready
is the answer.

Guys don't do shit.

They put a shirt on,

give themselves one of these
in the mirror, they're out.

[laughter and applause]

They're like, "I did it, bro.

I fucking did it."

"What did you do?"

Some guys take
a little more time.

l dated a guy from Philly
for a while.

Is anybody here
from Philadelphia?

[scattered cheering]
Yeah?

Okay, some sassy babes.

No dudes, though.

But tell me
if I'm right about this.

Well, just agree, 'cause this
is for my TV special.

[laughter]

Like, those dudes
will beat you to death

with a sack of batteries,

but they get
their eyebrows waxed.

You know the kind of guy
I'm talking about?

l was at a Met game—
thank you.

And, uh, it was Mets, Phillies,

and I'm sitting
behind third base.

And these huge Philly meatheads
are heckling David Wright.

They're like, "You suck, Wright.
You're the worst.

We hate you."

And so I said,
"You're very attractive!"

And the biggest one
of them goes, "True."

[laughter]

But most guys don't do shit.

Like, look at the shirts
you guys are wearing.

Every one of you that I can see,

you could have worn that
when you were a toddler

on picture day.

Every one.
No difference.

Check it out.

But look at the beautiful girls
you're with.

Look at—
it's so much work for us.

It takes me 90 minutes
to look this mediocre.

90 minutes.

Tonight it took
eight hours, okay?

I slept sitting up.
I slept like this.

It's so much work.

Oh, we're like clowns.

We are circus freaks, women,
we are.

We—we put paint on our faces
like warriors.

We're—
I'm wearing stilts.

We wear stilts.
We wear heels all night.

And we put a string
in our buttholes, just...

[imitates circus music]

"Ah...

am I pretty?"

We wearjewelry,
shiny shit—

"Look over here.
Follow me to the altar."

[imitates circus music]

[laughter]

Ugh.

It sucks.
It sucks.

I think as a woman
as you get older,

you get lazier
just by looking around.

[laughter]

No, ljust—
| work in Vegas a lot.

That doesn't sound awesome.

But I do stand-up
in Vegas a lot,

and | see these packs
of young girls

that still have the energy,
you know?

Just a pack of girls

all wearing tube dresses, right?

And just—the heels
they can't handle.

They have to hold each other
and do, like, Wizard of Oz walk,

chain gang kind of...

They all look identical.

It looks like a whore computer
just shot out a prototype,

and theyjust started walking.

"Tonight,
tonight's the night, you guys."

I like seeing them
at the end of the night,

you know,
like it didn't work out.

They're carrying their heels.

They're crying their makeup off.

It looks like they're melting.

"Why didn't anyone pick me?"

"Um...

you have puke
on yourtube, Amber."

[laughter]

It's all work.

lt's work having a vagina.
That's work.

Guys don't think
that it's work, but it is.

You think itjust shows up
like that to the event?

It doesn't.

Every night
it's like getting it ready

for its first quinceafiera,
believe me.

Gets an updo, it cries.

It's a lot of work.

It didn't used to be work.

I know that from watching
vintage porn.

It was no work.

Zero.

leven—l remember my mom
bottomless when l was a kid.

And it wasjust—

poof!

It looked like the black
smoke monsterfrom Lost

wasjust following her.

[imitates smoke monster]

It's like, "Is Mom being swarmed
by bees?

"What is...

"Is that a tumbleweed?

We're not even in the West."

And then something happened.
I don't know.

Like, 10, 15 years ago,

Like a fantasy football draft
about our privates.

They were like,
"We can't get in there.

"It's like Vietnam trying to...

What do we do?"

And then theyjust came to us,
and they were just like,

"Ladies, would you mind

looking like babies again?"

And we were like, "Uh...

"like, what do you mean?

Just clean up the sides
a little bit or..."

"The whole enchilada."

And we were like,
"Yeah, that's not super weird."

So now we go, we get it done.

We have to go get it done.

Ugh, yeah, like,
that does—she—

we go and get it done, guys.

Like, it doesn'tjust happen.

I don't care how cool
your girl is.

She doesn't have, like,
alopecia of the crotch.

ltjust falls out
in the shape of your initials.

That's not what happens.

That's not how it goes down, no.

We get it done.

We have to go see a woman,

usually from
a third-world country.

lt's neverfrom, like—

like, it's never me
that comes and gets you

from the waiting room.

Like, I'll never be like,
"Hi, I'm Ashley.

I'm here to take care
of your pussy."

Like, no.

"Pussy!"

No, it's not—

that's not how it goes.

Like, the chick who does it
to me in New York,

I think she's from, like,
the killing fields of Cambodia.

Like, this poorwoman—

I can tell, like, she has seen
some shit, you know?

[laughter]

She has been through it,

and she was,
like, a doctorthere.

And now she does this,
and she hates me.

And she doesn't even hide it.
I walk in, she's like, "Ugh."

I'm like, "Uh, sorry."

But she should, she should
hate me because I'm like—

we're the worst,
white, entitled girls.

I walk in chewing gum,

I'm on my phone.

l'mjustlike...

I'm like, "Don't get any wax
on my new UGGs.

What?"

She's like, "My parents
were murdered in front of me."

I'm like,
"I'm on the phone. What?"

"It's about True Blood.
Give me one sec."

She hates me, but she wins.

Like, those chicks
win every time,

'cause what they do,
and | always forget this,

they go—
she goes and gets a mirror,

and she shows it to me.

She shows me my own vagina.

And l have to act
like I'm not horrified.

And I'm horrified.

It's the worst thing
in the world.

And what she's saying
in that moment is,

"Are you happy now,
you dumb bitch?

You just paid me
to assault you."

"And now you look
like a toddler.

Is that what—
is that cool, yeah?"

And it's not cool.

It's the worst thing
you'll ever see in your life.

lt's red.

It looks angry.

It looks like
an old man frowning.

Just, "No!"

"Visit me!"

"Birds!"

I don't know.
Old people like birds, right?

I don't know.

They're always like,
"Oh, look, a bird."

Ugh.
It's so much work.

I think guys have it easier.

I'm not sure.

What do you guys think?
Yeah, you do?

Did you ever see
an uncircumcised penis?

You did?
Did you know—

did you know
you were gonna see it?

No, it's always
a fucking surprise party, right?

It's a big—
it's him, right?

lt's him.

Wait.
Here's the funniest thing.

I'm sorry that everyone knows
about your penis now.

But here's the best part,

he's wearing a shirt
that says "Browncoats."

Now, if that's not funny—

And that's what it looks like.

It looks like your penis is
wearing a little brown coat...

if you've seen one.

You just—nobody ever
tells you, right?

He didn't tell you.
They don't tell you shit.

They'rejust like, boom,

reunited with Snuffleupagus,
enjoy.

Enjoy.

You guys are so cute.

Why don't they tell us?

Tell—tell me.

We have to become
award-winning actresses.

Like, "Oh, no.
That's totally cool.

"Mom, can you
come pick me up?

"I don't know. It's wearing,
like, a hat or, like, a cape.

Like, a brown coat type thing."

Why don't they tell us?

I would tell you if I had
an extra flap over my clitoris.

I'd give you a heads-up.
lwould.

I'd be like, "You're gonna
encounter a wizard.

"Keep going.

"Go.

Take this compass."

I'd make it exciting,

play the music from Zelda.

It'd be great.

Men don't care.
They don't tell you.

I hooked up with a guy one time
that had no testicles.

Count them, zero "testicalo."

You think he brought that up
at dinner?

'Cause he didn't.

I got to find out in real time.

It was dark in the room.

Let me paint
the romantic picture here.

And I went right to the spot
I know them to always be,

no GPS necessary.

I picked up
the main event and noth—

lfelt like
a girl learning Braille.

ljust kept...

And, like, we don't—

like, girls don't care
about your balls.

Like, no one care—

like, lwould never call
my sister the morning after

and be like,

"Hey, okay.
So, like, the sex was lame,

"but this guy's balls...

ahh."

No.

But when they're not there,
you miss 'em.

They're like grandparents.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

I like that that's the one
that was too much for you guys.

You're like,
"Rape, AlDS, whatevs.

Grandparents?
Whoa!"

So, yeah, the way I saw
an uncircumcised penis—

I had met this guy at a bar.
He was French.

So I should have known,

but I didn't know
he was actually French.

I thought we were
both just, like, wasted

and faking the accent,
you know?

l was like, "Rosetta Stone!"

'Cause I do, I can only drink
beer and wine now

'cause I, like,
my parents are—

anybody have
alcoholic parents?

Anybody in here?

Oh, no, everybody
was raised awesomely?

[laughter]

Like, my dad

used to apologize to me

for missing volleyball games
that he was at.

So, anyway, I meet
this French guy and—

'cause I don't think that's
a cute accent on dudes, right?

The French accent.

ltjust—it makes my vagina
shut like a steel trap,

just pshh!

I mean, thank God
for that other hole, but...

[laughter]

My butthole.

Oh, you knew.

Okay, you knew.

Um, so I went home
with this French guy,

'cause he said something
adorable like,

"l have an apartment."

Um...

l was like, "Oh."

So we go—
| go home with him,

and we're, like, making out.

He was very sensual.

He's one of those dudes,
like, he started to pick me up,

and then he realized
he was in over his head,

and I got planted back down.

It's hard to feel sexy
when a dude's winded

from trying to hoist you.

His, like, legs are shaking.

He's, like, wiping sweat.

I'm like,
"Can you just put me—"

I tried to land cute
like a gymnast.

lwas like...

No, but I do—

but I know I have a body type.

Like, I know, like,
I'm not a twig.

Like, if a cheerleading
pyramid's being made,

I know I'm a base.

Like, | get right down—

I'm not like,
"Hoist me up on top

"like a startonight,
you guys.

I wanna fly."

Like, I know where I am.

I know my body type the way
guys hit on me at bars,

like, when it happens.

And it's usually my idea.

I'm usually like, "Hey."

And they're like,
"No, thanks."

And I'm like, "Hey!"

And they're like, "Oh."

[laughter]

But when I do get hit on—

Like, this guyjust came up
to me, and he was from,

like, Texas
or somewhere I'm not going.

And, uh...

and he comes over,
and he's like,

"Hey, I like you.

You're sturdy."

[laughter]

I'm like, "I'm sorry?"

He's like, "You look like
you could take a punch."

I'm like, "Oh."

Oh, don't I feel
like the belle of the ball.

So I'm making out
with Frenchinator,

and, uh, he did—

he put—he, like,
gave up right away,

'cause he's French, I guess.

And...

[cheers and applause]

Oh, my God.
Thank you.

So we're making out,
and, uh, he—

he pulled his dick out
immediately.

He must have been thinking
like, "She's the one."

And I'm looking at it.

I'm just like,
"What—what is that?"

"Are we having, like,
a pillow fight?

"What's—

Why is the gnome from
Travelocity in your underpants?"

But, like, you can't—
guys are sensitive too.

I couldn't do what I was,
like, thinking, like—

"Aah!"

Like, run down the five stories
of his walk-up.

I had to be, like,
a team player and be like,

"All right, here we go."

Just, like,
fighting through the skin

trying to find
his actual pe—

I felt like a magician
with the scarves, I'm just...

[laughter]

Waiting for a dove
to hit me in the face.

It sucks getting older
as a chick.

In your 20s, you'rejust like,
"Life is awesome.

Everybody wants to fuck me,
you guys!"

Then you turn 30,
and you're like,

"You guys?"

It's like a bus
that never comes.

But as I'm getting older,
what I'm doing now

is I'm just making sure
I'm the best-looking one

of my friends.

It's really easy.

I cut certain people
out of my life.

And | now hand-select
strangers off of Facebook

and surround myself
with real trolls and reptiles.

You should see
these monsters.

I had a friend, Nikki,
she kept losing weight.

I took her out of my phone.
Fuck her, I'm sorry.

But there's one chick
I've been friends with forever.

Her name is Sabina.

Like, she's gorgeous,

and of course she is,
with the name Sabina.

Like, what a white,
annoying name, right?

You have to be so hot
to pull off names like that,

like Sabina, Priscilla.

You can't have, like,
a bum knee and a lazy eye

and be like, "I'm Sabina."

It's like, "Nice try.

"We're gonna
call you Bertha, bitch.

"But that was cute.

That was cute."

Guys go crazy over her.

I never get hit on like that.

The only time | get hit on
is last call at the bar.

Right?

That's when l shine,
I'm telling you.

What a weird time
of night, right?

The lights go on.

ltjust feels real rape-y
all of a sudden.

Post-apocalyptic.

Something happens
to the men.

They'rejust like,
"I need a woman."

Like, they all just start
pacing like gorillas.

[laughter]

Their eyes widen.

It looks like
they can only see by heat.

They're like, "What?"
Like Predator.

| see some dude
in a full blackout

just walking at me,

like a zombie just pointing
at his own dick.

Like, "Here."

I'm like, "I'll get us a cab."

[laughter]

I know I make it sound
like I'm so slutty up here,

but l'm—l've only been
with four people,

and that was a weird night.

That's my business.

Oh, it doesn't matter
what you do, ladies.

Every guy is gonna leave you
for an Asian woman,

and you know that.

That's right,

I'm saying it in San Francisco,
in the hotbed.

In the hotbed.

| get it. I can't compete
with an Asian chick.

I can't.
They're better.

I've been thinking about this.
I did the math.

I know that's their thing,
but I did it.

[laughter and applause]

I've been thinking about it.
I can't win.

How can I compete
with an Asian chick?

They're smarter.

They have naturally silky hair.

This Jew denial took me,
like, 40 minutes.

They laugh like this

'cause they know men hate
when women speak.

They're better.

They're just better.

And how do they
bring it on home for the win?

Oh, the smallest vaginas
in the game.

I can't compete with that.

What do l have?
What am |—

I've got a BA. in Theater
and HPV.

No one's buying my stock.

lam plummeting.

I'm going to black guys.

That's what I'm trying to do.

That's what I'm doing, yeah.

l've—l can't believe
I've never done it.

l'm built for it.
It seems weird I haven't.

Gotta go for the black guy.

Have you ever—black guy?
Yeah.

She's like, "Uh, yeah."

She's like,
"Yes, look at my shirt.

You know I fuck black guys."

How cute are you?

You're so cute.
You're hot.

I'm not gay.

I've caught a finger,
but you get what I'm saying.

[laughter]

Black guys are the future.

Some chicks are scared.

You know what they say,
"Once you go black,

your parents
don't talk to you anymore."

Something like that.
I don't know.

I don't know.
Something, like, to that effect.

But black guys—

No, I want to do it.

I almost did it
last weekend.

Uh, lwas—
like, afterthe show,

l was standing out, and, uh,
and l was trying to sell my CDs,

and people were like,
"No, thanks."

Uh, and not even
of my stand-up.

Just, like, some shit I needed
to get rid of, you know,

like, the Forrest Gump
soundtrack,

just some
Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott.

I'm like, "I don't need this."

Uh, but, no,
this dude comes up to me,

this black guy,
and he was into it,

'cause, come on.

And, uh...

he walks over,
and he's like, "I'm Derek."

And l was like, "Derek?"

He's like, "Derek."

And he had on,
like, a nice shirt,

and he had, like, ajob.

And l was like,
"No, I want a brotha."

If I'm gonna do it, I wanna
really do it, you know?

Not Derek.

I want him to, like,
not even have a name,

just like nicknames.

Everyone's like, "Pookie!"

He's like, "What's up?"

Nojob.

We need, like, a ton of lube,
butjust, like, for his elbows.

You know what I'm talking about?

[laughter]

Oh, that was insanely racist?

You're right.
You're right.

I love joking about race.

It's, like, my favorite.

lwas talking
about this the other day.

l was hanging out with
literally all my black friend.

And...

And, uh, and I remember
l was like, "Tamambe,"

or whatever.

Tapestry—it's something
wild, you know?

It's something crazy.

I mean, that's why they need
Google in the delivery room,

I think, right?

lt's everywhere else.

Why not there, right?

So when her mom was like,

I'm gonna name you
"Tamambo."

Google would show up and say,
"Did you mean Jennifer?"

And her mom would be like,

"Yes, Google,
I did mean Jennifer.

Thank you."

No, Tamambe.

So I'm hanging out
with Tapioca and, uh...

Tempura or something,
and what was she saying?

She—she was like, "Girl."

Like, I won't do
some racist impression,

so don't worry.

But she was like, "Girl!"

[laughter]

I mean, we were, like,
mid-double Dutch,

and, uh...

And I'm just like,

"Stop yelling.
We're not at the movies."

[laughter and applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm glad you guys
laughed at that.

That does not always work,
I'll be honest with you.

I mean, nothing works
100% of the time, right?

Except Mexicans.

l've noticed—

That's the one?

Boo!
Right?

Boo, Mexicans.

I hear ya.

You guys are

preaching to the choir.

So, ass play, you guys,
what do you guys think?

For or against?

Every night?
Okay.

I've dealt
with two kinds of guys

when it comes
to my personal asshole.

Um...

There's the kind of guy that
never acknowledges it, right?

Like, the whole time
you're together just never—

which is awesome because
who needs the extra maintenance?

Can I get what-what, ladies?

women: What-what!
[cheering]

- Thanks, sister friends.

That guy's awesome, right?

You know what you're getting
with that guy.

And then there's
the other kind of guy

who goes for it immediately.

Like, you're not
even fully kissing yet,

and he's trying to grab you
like a bowling ball.

You're like, "No!"

He's like, "You said
you like Jeff Dunham."

You're like, "No!"

You can't trust those guys,
all right?

So I was dating
the first kind of guy,

no ass play.

Like, the sex
was very vanilla.

There was no funny business,
no dirty talk.

If I sent him a naughty photo,
he would just write back,

"Thanks," like I sent him
a fax he needed.

Like I had forwarded him
an e-vite.

So we were together
for, like, years,

and one night,
out of nowhere,

we're at dinner,
and he's like,

"I'd like to talk
about something.

I'd like to talk
about ass play."

And I'm like,
"Is that a Broadway show?

"That show sounds awesome.
Let's go see that show."

And he's like,
"No, ass play."

And as I'm asking him questions,

I realize he hasn't thought it
through at all.

'Cause l was just like,
"Do you mean on you or me?"

And he was like, "Oh."

This is not
a brainstorm sesh here.

Your PowerPoint, buddy.

So that night, l was like,

"I'm gonna call him
on his bluff."

I don't usuallyjoke around
in the bedroom,

but I was like,
"Fuck this guy."

So...

l'm like, "This J.V. player
is gonna get it from me," so—

[laughter]

So we're, like, making out,
and I'm just like,

"Psst, where is
all the ass play?"

And like a frightened child,
he goes, "Tonight?"

And I'm like,
"Uh-huh."

And he can't think—he goes,
"Well, did you shower?"

I said,
"I'm not gonna answer that,

'cause I'm not
a homeless woman."

Uh, just some schizophrenic
with a cart like,

"Wash me!"

So he can't think
of any other way to stall,

so this is what
he does, okay?

This is my asshole.

This is his finger.
He goes like this.

And he holds it there,

Like he thought
a groundhog might pop out,

and he'd have
to Whac-A-Mole it.

And then I fist him

like you wouldn't believe.

[cheers and applause]

He's dead.

Oh, God,
you guys are awesome.

l—seriously,

sometimes
that goes so awkward,

and during a set,
| just want to, like, tap out.

I've had this image.

Not like a wrestling tap-out,

but just sort of soft-shoe
out of the room

in an awkward situation.

Like, why can't we do that?

l was working at this club,

and, uh, lwalked in
the first night.

And I realized at this club,
there was a bathroom attendant.

Have you ever been like,

"Oh, dope, a bathroom attendant
works here."

No, you're like,

"Ah, it's awkward."

They hate you.

You hate—you're just like,
"Oh, please."

Like, you know,
it's unnecessary.

Are you ever peeing like,

"How am I gonna leave here
without a Starburst?"

"I don't like going
without somebody listening."

No.

| go in the bathroom
the first night,

and the bathroom attendant
stops me at the door.

And she's like,
"Uh...

"they're all full right now,

so you're gonna
have to wait a minute."

And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah,
I know how bathrooms work."

Uh...

Like, if she hadn't said that,
l was just gonna go rogue

and start pounding
on all the stalls,

up and down with a shiv.

"No!"

Peeing in the sink.

"I do what I want,

bathroom attendant!"

I come out.
She hands me a paper towel.

"Thank you.

"If you hadn't saved me,
I would have just bled

"and dripped like stigmata.

Thank you."

So unnecessary.

So, the last night
I'm at this club,

| go in the bathroom.

She's, like, facing the wall.

So I'm like, "Oh, good."

| go right in the stall.

And I'm not gonna
say anything gross.

But I'm in there
just dropping a ton of heat,

just...

massacring this bowl,

just—

l'm texting people, like,

"Am I dying?"

[laughter]

It's like,
"Your sister's a nurse."

Things like that.

To a lot of my family,
| just wrote, "Good-bye."

Like, whatever you're picturing,
like, triple it.

Uh...

I'm sorry.
None of that happened.

You guys,
none of that happened.

You two, you two,
none of that happened.

Hey, did you know
there's a show?

[laughter and applause]

Come on, you're pretty.
Just stop talking.

No, I appreciate you
supporting live comedy.

Uh, no, none of that happened.

I didn't really—

you guys, oh, my God,
you guys, then just—

what's go—what are
you guys talking about?

What's happening?

Oh, you love me?
It's—

- It's their anniversary.

- Oh, my God, do you remember
that I don't care?

No, I'm just kidding.

No, that's exciting.

How many years?

I'm just kidding.
I don't care. I don't care.

No, I don't care.

No, do you guys care?

No?
Okay, sorry.

Sorry, nobody cares.

Nobody cares.

No, but seriously, thank you
guys so much for coming.

Nobody cares.

[laughter]

What's your name?

- Erin.

- That was a test.
Nobody cares, Erin.

You guys are so cute.
I'm sorry.

Thank you for spending
your anniversary with me.

Mom, thank you.

I'm sorry you have to sit
next to your daughter

when I'm talking
about semen the whole time.

Uh, where do you stand
on ass play, Mom?

You're good?

Okay, you don't want her to
know, but you can't get enough?

Okay.

You guys won't forget
this anniversary.

What am |—
what am I talking about?

Like, what was I talking about

before ljust talked
to you guys?

Does anybody remember?
Shitting.

[laughter]

I love you guys.

I fucking love this crowd.

[cheers and applause]

The sweetest voice too.

"Shitting."

Oh, God, | wish that happened.

Like, | wish I was able to—
to do that.

But I did, ljust—

she was facing the wall,

and I'm like, uh—
I hear that she's crying,

so I'm like,

"Excuse me. Um, I'm about
to wash my hands, so you—

"you better get fucking ready.

Uh..."

No, she's crying.

No, l was like,
"Well, what's wrong?

"Like, is it your choices?

Like, what's, um..."

No, | asked herwhat was
wrong, and she was like—

she told me, she was like,
"My dog died."

So I was like, "I'm so sorry.
I've been there.

"I'm gonna go get us some shots.

"We're gonna get weird
in here tonight, okay?

You and me."

And she goes,
"It just really doesn't feel

like six years ago."

What do you say?

ljust looked right at her
and just...

[laughter and applause]

What do you do?

I found the owner, l was like,

"She's doing a ton of blow
in there.

You should get rid of her."

l, uh...

I've been really enjoying
being on the road

ever since the roast, because
I've been on the road, like,

for years, but, uh,

but people had no idea
who I was,

so they would see a picture
of me, and they'd be like,

"Oh, she looks sweet.

"She kind of looks, like,
Amish, you know?

"Like, uh, kind of
Cabbage Patchy up top, right?

"We should bring the family.

I bet she talks about,
like, shopping."

And then they get here,
and I'm like, "My pussy..."

[laughter]

Uh...

but it's way better now,

'cause, like,
a lot of people saw that roast,

and theyjust are like,
"Oh, she's, like, a bad person."

So that means you guys
are dirtbags too,

and I appreciate you
coming out.

You are bad people.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, bad people.

But I've been really lucky.

Like, my whole life,
I found friends just like me.

Like, at a young age, I found
girls that were just like me.

Like, we were all whores.

You know?

Just little drunks
running around.

But in every group
of girlfriends,

there's always, like, one
that's the sluttiest, you know?

If you don't have that friend,
you're that friend.

Let's be real.

And it wasn't me
in my group of friends.

Shockerwas my nickname.

But, no, in my group
of friends—in my—

the sluttiest of us
was this girl Katie.

And, uh, we didn'tjudge her
forthat.

But she—
she wouldn't own it.

Like as soon as she
would have a boyfriend,

she'd start acting
like MotherTeresa, you know?

She'd, like, walk different.

She talked differently.

Like, I remember one time

she walked over
with her new boyfriend,

she was like,

"Adam and l are thrilled
you could join us for brunch."

l was like, "I've helped you
get cum out of your hair."

[laughter]

"Remember, we tried
using peanut butter

'cause we're stupid,
remember?"

We didn't talk about that
at brunch with Adam.

So she moved to Connecticut
and, like, was getting married,

and she had
a wedding showerthere.

And l was the only friend
from home that could go.

So I met all of her new,
fancy Connecticut friends.

And, like,
you know women like this.

Like, these girls,

they were all, like,
very Stepford wife, you know?

They all, like, wore, like,

pastel cashmere cardigans
and pearls

and Burberry, like, tampons.

[laughter]

And they all spoke like this,
like almost in a whisper.

Like, they all were—

everybodyjust walked around
whispering to each other.

Like, "Oh, I guess
we werejust born

"with different vocal cords

"'cause I was raised better.

Do you ski?"

So I'm at this party,

and I'm, like,
mainlining chardonnay,

trying to remember fun.

Just like, "Why?"

So one of the girls was like,
"Let's play a game."

And I'm like, "Suicide pact?
I'll go first.

This party's the worst."

And she goes,
"No, let's all go around

and admit something."

And I'm like, "Oh, no."

They are—the shit
they're admitting is so boring.

lcan't—like, one girl was like,

"Once, I forgot to let
the dog out all day!"

And they were all like, "No!"

I'm like, "Is this
happening right now?"

So the girl that goes right
before me, Bridget,

the worst human I've ever met.

I hope she sees this.

That's how bad
of a person she is.

[cheers and applause]

Like, Bridget,
I hope you're watching this.

[soft voice]
But she wouldn't.

She wouldn't be up this late.

[normal voice]
She spoke the softest.

You had to, like,
lean in and squint

and read her lips,
'cause shejust—

[soft voice]
Bridget talked like an angel

was sleeping on hertongue.

[laughter]

J‘ No one wake the angel I

J‘ On my tongue I

[normal voice]
That's not a real song,

Comedy Central.

[laughter]

So, anyway, she's like,

"All right, you guys,
it's my turn.

Bring it in."

And we're like, "We're in
'cause we have to be,

'cause you talk like Fievel."

[laughter]

Use your diaphragm, Bridge.

So she's like,

"I'll admit this.

"Sometimes after Richard
falls asleep,

| get up and eat ice cream."

| just wanted to find one
other pair of eyes being like,

"What a dumb cunt, right?"

But nothing.
No one.

They're all looking at her like,
"Bridget! You should be asleep."

"Bridget, it's night.
Carbs? Come on."

So then it's my turn,

and, uh, I don't look
at my friend Katie.

ljust feel her
just glaring at me, just like,

"Don't be yourself
right now, bitch!

This is my new life."

And so I'm like,

"Okay, um, first of all,
Bridget,

thank you for being so brave."

[laughter]

"Uh, I'll admit this.

"It's kind of
like your ice cream thing.

"Um, one time

I let a cab driver finger me."

[cheers and applause]

And Katie's like,

"That's not
how you play, Amy."

I'm like, "Really?
'Cause | feel like I won.

lfee|—" You guys,
you were an amazing crowd.

Thank you so much.

[cheers and applause]

[mouths words]

[cheers and applause]

[sighs deeply]

lfeel like this is
what I would feel like,

like, if I ever kept a baby.

You know, like,
this kind ofjoy.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you guys so much.

Thank you.

Fuck, thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Oh!

I want to jerk you all off,
even the girls.

Even the girls.

Guys, thank you.

I really, really appreciate it.

Um, I know you guys
are thinking like,

"What are you doing
back out here?"

And some of you
werejust thinking like,

"You're so pretty."

Thank all of you.

But I wanted to come out
and just sort of, like,

give you an opportunity if
anybody wants to ask a question,

like, now it's the time.

Yeah?
What's your name?

And what—
what actor are you?

- l'm Cubed.

- What?

- My name's Cubed.

- Cubed?

Does anybody different
have a question?

With a name
that makes sense?

No, I'm just kidding.
What, uh—what happened?

Where—where are
your parents from?

- What are you doing later?

- What am I doing later?

Ooh, Cubed.

Do you have HPV?
Do you want it?

I haven't drank in two months,
getting ready forthis.

So I'm gonna, like, black out.

If anybody wants
to get down with me,

like, sexually,

tonight is not the night.

But, yes, I'm gonna tie one on.

Anybody—yes, you, sir.
What's your name?

- Rick.
- Hi, Rick.

- I want to give you
a standing ”O.”

I think we all should give you
a standing ovation.

[cheers and applause]

- This guy's sad
'cause he's wasted.

You don't have to—
thank you.

This is good for the camera.

Wow.

Thank you.

Okay, okay.
Thank you.

That was—that was nice.

A lot of people weren't into it.

Like, a lot of people got up
and were just kind of, like—

[mouths words]

"Our reservations were,
like, ten minutes ago.

When's this bitch
gonna wrap it up?"

Yes, you, gorgeous.
Hi.

- Can I buy you a drink,

possibly have a cocktail
with you at some point?

- Ooh, this is awesome.

You can definitely
buy me a drink.

Um, I don't—
l'm not gay.

I mean, I've caught a finger.
I'm not boring.

Trust me.

But, yeah, I could totally see
that happening.

I don't think that
would be weird at all.

Your boyfriend
doesn't seem too psyched,

but he's all fired up
about Pride.

Oh, yes, you.
Hi.

- So, um, who is
your comedy mentor?

- My comedy mentor.

Um, that's a good question.

Uh, I hang out with
mostly 45-year-old dudes.

- [laughs]
- Thank you.

They're all comedians.
They're alcoholics.

Like, they don't drink anymore
'cause they can't, you know?

And it makes sense,

because, like, they look at me,
and they'rejust like,

"Oh, my God."

Like, they think I'm so hot
just 'cause I'm not their wives.

Um...

I walk in, they're like...

J‘ Who's that girl? I

I'm like, "What?"

But out, like, you know,
in the streets,

people arejust throwing
lit cigarettes at me.

They're like, "Ugh, pass."

So, like, Dave Attell
and Jim Norton.

[cheers and applause]

Right?

[man shouts indistinctly]

And so—yeah, you gotta
love those guys.

Yeah—yes.

- Of women...
- Women.

- Comics, who is your mentor?
- Okay.

Okay, well, Jessica Kirson
was my mentor.

Like, she's in New York,
and she's amazing.

And then, uh,
sort of where she left off,

ljust like—my mentor, like,
those guys took me on the road

to open for them a lot,
so that's why.

But I grew up loving Gilda

and Goldie Hawn,

and I love Margaret Cho,
and Sarah, uh, Palin.

I'm just kidding.

[laughter]

You, sir.

- What's yourfeeling
on anal bleaching?

- Anal bleaching.

I'm glad somebody
brought this up.

[laughter]

That's a great question.

Okay, so here's
how I feel about it.

When I heard about it,
lwasjust like,

"Ew, everybody, chill out."

But then I looked
at my own asshole,

and l was like, "Whoa!

"That looks like something
out of the universe.

Maybe we should hook that up."

But I still haven't done
anything.

But I keep
a low pro, butt-wise.

You—
I'm doing God's work.

I mean, am | healing people?
Yes?

- What's your favorite city?

- My favorite city?

New York City, uh...

[cheers and applause]
Yeah, um...

Uh, sorry,
one girl's like, "Boo."

I like Madison, Wisconsin.

[cheering]

Nice.

And I think Cleveland's
the worst.

[laughter]

Yes, you, sir?

- Why is your sister here?

- Why is my sister here?

You know what?
I have no idea.

I didn't fly her in.
She showed up.

She shows up wherever I am.

Um, my sister
is here because, uh,

she's my best friend
in the whole world,

and I love her and trust her
more than anyone.

And I dedicate this show to her.

[cheers and applause]

And I want to thank my mom,
who's not a cunt at all.

My mom—
please clap for my mom.

She's not a cunt.

[cheers and applause]

But her bush was huge
when l was growing up.

That was true.

Okay, yeah?

- Do you have to pee
as bad as I do?

- Oh, okay, she has to pee,
and she's really pretty.

So everyone's, like,

given herwhatever she wants
herwhole life.

[laughter]

Uh, I don't have to pee at all.

It's pretty sweet.

lfeel, like, physically,
real comfortable up here.

I could hang out.

If you don't mind,

I'm gonna do my 90-minute
one-woman show now.

Um...

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Thank you, Comedy Central,

and thank you guys.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, God, Dad died.

- When?

- I guess, like, today.

[sighs]

- Are you gonna talk
about it onstage?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?
You should open with it.