All language subtitles for I Hate Suzie s02e03.eng

- Okay.
- Good?

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.
[clears throat]

- Okay, thank you.
First positions, please.

Here we go.
Thanks, everyone.

Okay, nice and quiet.

[person speaks indistinctly]

- Okay.
- Okay, set back.

[indistinct chatter]

- [whispering]
Does it look good?

- Yeah.

- Okay, all good, people.

- Thank you. Set.
- Okay.

Yeah? Happy?
[snaps fingers]

Happy?
[claps hands]

Okay.

[sighs]

[clears throat]
Right.

There's only one final you
should be watching

this Christmas.

Two dancers, one winner.

- No.
Sorry, the other way around.

- Oh, my God.
Sorry.

- Lovely, big smile.

- Yep.

It's okay.

Two dancers, one winner--
there's only one final

you should be watching
this Christmas.

[giggles]

- A bit more Christmassy.

- Okay.

Um, two dancers, one final--

No, that's wrong.
Sorry.

Two da--Sorry.

There's only one final
you should be watching

this Christmas.

- And one where you're
just being yourself.

- [sighs]
Um...

um...

two dancers--

Two dancers, one winner.

Two dancers, one winner.

One winner.

There's only one final--

There's only one final--

There's only one final
you should be watching--

You should be watching
this Christmas.

This Christmas, this Christmas,
this Christmas,

this Christmas.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round yon... ♪

[person moaning]

[mysterious music]

♪ ♪

[person laughs]

♪ ♪

- Hey. Hi.
- Hey, Suzie.

Um, they're asking
for you in makeup.

- Uh, oh, sorry. I thought it
pushed because of the football.

- Oh, yeah. I think they
just want to get going.

- Yeah, yeah, sure.
- So, yeah.

Um, also, um, Ollie and Clara
want a quick word, um,

just when you've--just,
like, fairly urgently.

You can get them in here
for after.

- Uh, no, let's meet them
in makeup,

and we can--while they--
- Yeah, okay.

- Yes, okay.

♪ ♪

[snickers]

Hey, great, great.
- Hey.

- Yeah. No, they let me in
in the end.

They assumed I work for you,

and I lied, and I said
I did work for you,

thinking did as I used to,
so I wasn't lying.

- Hey, um, w-what's wrong?
What's happened?

- Um, just none
of them survived.

- Oh, my-- Oh. Oh.

How do you--how do you know
they put one back in now?

- No, they grow.

They don't--there's
nothing to be put in.

- Oh, my God.

- Suzie to makeup
for Ollie and Clara.

- I'm devastated.

- I hear that, mama.
Are you sure?

- Well, I mean,
unless they're lying

and keeping my embryos in...
- No.

- Some, uh...

I'm going to go wait.
- No, no, no, come to makeup.

Don't be on your own.

Are you sure you don't
want to just go home?

- What am I going
to do, sit and stare

at the fucking kitchen
I haven't even put in yet?

- Yeah, okay, but, you know,

only if you're sure because
Frank will be absolutely fine.

- Yeah. I'm just--I'm just
really shocked.

It's like, basically, I've
given someone 12,000 pounds

to really upset me.

- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- They say you can
expect it the first time--

- Wait. Oh, no, no, I thought
you were doing one and done.

- One block.
Block of three, the woman said.

You save more that way.

- God, I can't believe
it's still extra time.

- Yeah.
- Right, should we get started?

[knock at the door]
- Uh, yes.

- Hi.

Uh, if you could go out for--
- Sure.

Do you want to--
- Well, if you could just--

- Yeah.
- [clears throat]

- Oh, sorry.
Uh, well, she's my agent.

Well, my ex-agent,
which is a shame for me,

but also totally fine.
- Okay.

Well, uh, quick heads-up--
the super-exciting guest

we knew was coming
to see Stella

is Her Royal Highness's cousin.

So we have a royal in the house
tonight, which is a treat,

but slight security issue--
they need to be near an exit.

And that's always been sorted.

But the extra
information is, um,

now that's too near a pyro.

- Down from the stage.
- So the pyro's...

- Okay
- Moving to the back.

- Yeah, so we just need to move
the dance up a little bit

further forward, and
then the lift

might have to go the other way.
- Uh, wait, uh--

- No, it's just
to get you further

downstage away from the pyro.
- Oh, we think it's fine.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
God, it's no big deal.

We just, um, need to have
a little re-rehearsal

in the wings.

- Yeah, we'll just, uh, track
down Danny, and we'll get you.

- Or what?
She gets a firework up her vag?

Sorry, it's just actually
quite funny

when I don't have
any responsibility.

- Uh, we just can't locate
Danny currently, so...

- He might be watching
the football somewhere.

- Oh, okay, so just, uh, bring
her over when this is done.

- Uh, no.
Let's just, uh, do it first.

I'll be--I'll be right there.

I just need--
- Oh, sure.

So you'll be going 10, 2:00?
- Uh, 10, 1:00.

- Your most recent ex-husband
is texting me again.

What? As me or as you?
- As both.

Wait. What the fuck is going
on about tomorrow?

- Oh, my God, the drugs test.

- You haven't had
your results yet?

- No, actually, I'm going
to have to call them.

- Okay, well, this bleach
better work.

God, I'm terrified
you're going to lose

your son because of MDMA
in a fucking Reddit thread.

- Hey, can you still
do the handover?

Is that still okay?
- Yeah.

- Yes?
- Yeah.

Yeah.
- Okay, I'm just--

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, bye. sorry. Poppy?

Hi. Yeah, have we had
the results back yet?

Okay, well, we're supposed to
have them by the end

of working day today.

I mean, that's the whole point

so that I can have Frank
tomorrow.

Everything's closing now.

What if the results
don't come back?

And if--and if the lab that we
pay don't process it in time,

can I sue the lab?

Okay, well, I don't want
to sue the lab.

Yeah, all right.
Okay, bye.

[sighs]

Hey.
- Hey.

- You're still here?
- Yeah.

- Has nobody come in?

- No. No, they just--
Oh, come on, ref!

- Okay, well, they're, um,
looking for you.

They want to change something
about your dance.

- You're kidding.
- No, I'm not.

Something about--
[scoffs]

Something about a pyro and
a princess, and, basically,

we have to do the lift
the other way.

- What, you lifting me?
- [laughs]

No, you're so adorable.

Can you just turn
that down a bit?

- Oh, it's the final, doll.

I can't believe
we did it during, frankly.

Do you know how unbelievably
attractive you are to me?

That is the highest compliment
a man can ever give you.

- Do you know how
much I love you?

That's something from the '70s.
[knock at the door]

Who is it?
- Sian.

- Great.
Okay, um, so you've--you're--

you're just going,
and you've just been here.

- Just take something.

I've come to her, pick
something up with enough--

- Hi.
- Hi.

What a thrill.

- All right.

Oh, ta, Suzie.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Why are they being such
bastards on the desk?

They said I was already here.

I said, "I'm not already here."

That's why I'm here.

Oh, how are you?
- Yeah, I'm good.

I mean, there's a royal
in the house,

so everyone's a bit--

Hi, Holland.
- Hello.

Um, Colgate are here,
just so that you know.

- [sighs, chuckles]
- Just saying.

- Re-find your smile.
- Yeah.

I mean, I don't think I'm going
to get a branding deal

that focuses on my mouth.
[knock at the door]

Yeah?

- Hi. Uh, hi, Suzie.
I'm sorry.

Did Austin didn't get
you back in makeup?

- Uh, well, no, I've just got
to go and rehearse the lift.

Oh, um, can you get
my practice boots?

- Yes. Oh, okay.
Yeah.

Firstly, your flowers.
- Yes.

Oh, that's so--

- Champagne.
- Ooh.

- I know you're not...
- Yeah.

- But after.

- So how late do you think

the match is going to push us?

- Oh, it depends if they score.
- That's not helpful.

Football.
- [chuckles]

- Um, quick crisis chat.

- Oh, can we just--
please, can we stop

calling them crisis chats?

That's my first point
of order for the chat.

- Okay, um, Suzie, sorry.
- Yeah?

- Can I just confirm
that you're not sleeping

with Danny Carno?

- [laughing] I-- no, no.

I mean, we've only--

No, we haven't.
I'm not.

[knock at the door]
Yeah?

- Hey, um, shall we trot you
over to Danny and Ollie now?

- Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can you get my boots?

- Yeah.
- Not the real ones.

- Okay, one sec.

She needs the not-real boots.

- Right, got you.

- Sorry, yeah.

- Okay, well, if--if--if
someone's managed to get

that idea,
do you have any idea how?

- No.

I mean, you know, I can say
we've been friendly, you know.

We're going through
something together, way, but--

- Could someone have
seen you like that?

- No.
Not really, no.

- Okay. Well, the "Daily Mail"
have called us.

- Uh-huh.

- And they're asking
for comment

because they want
to print it in the morning.

- Yeah, they're saying
they've spoken to a runner.

- Like, just so that I can do
my job here.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
No, no, of--of course.

I mean, he's
married, by the way.

- Yeah.

- So I can deny that
with confidence?

[knock at the door]

- Um, I'm just
going to go upstairs

and rehearse the lift, but, no.

I'm sorry, as in yes.
[laughs]

You get it. [laughs]
- Oh, great.

Sorry.
[door opens]

- Why don't I take it over, and
we can go to makeup afterwards?

- You say that like
I've got a choice.

No.

- Can I get you anything?

- Uh, no, no, no,
I'm absolutely fine.

- Okay, right.
- How are you doing?

- Yeah.
No, I'm good.

I just want to make sure
that you're all right.

- Yeah.
[digital ringtone]

Oh, sorry.
That's my mum.

One minute.
- Okay.

- Hello, Mum?

Yeah.

No, we're all--
we're all good here.

Yeah.
No, I know.

Uh, yeah, because of football.
Yeah--

Well, no, it has to be live
live because the voting.

Okay, fine.

I mean, if Dad can't make it,
he can't make it.

No, he shouldn't drive.

Yeah.
All right, Mum.

I'm just about to go
on national television,

so I can't really chat,
but Naomi's going to do

the handover in reception.

Yeah, and you got the tickets?

Yeah, I sent them on text.

All right, Mum.
All right.

Okay.

See you later.
Bye.

Um, sorry.

Oh, one of my audience seats
has become available.

I'm really sorry.
I know that's really...

- Okay.
- Late notice.

Good to know, yeah.
- Yeah.

And, um, it's just--

I know I can be stress-y.

Like I know--it's the show
and the stress of the show,

and sometimes I-I realise I can
be very short

with people when I'm--
- Oh, my God, no, no, no, no

- So I'm just--I'm sorry is
what I'm trying to say.

- No--the seat--
this is what we're here for.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Like, no.

- Really?
- No, no, never.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

- Thank you.
I'm sorry for this.

[applause]

- Ollie?
Ollie?

I've got Suzie for you.
- Oh, thank God.

Okay, great.
- Hi.

I'm sorry.
- That's fine.

The audience is there, right?

Apparently, the lift is fine.
- Yes.

- So don't worry about that.

We're just going to use that
fish rave step

to get us forward, okay?

So we're going to go like
this--one, two, three,

four, five, six, seven, eight,
one and two.

The rest is as is, so just
run it from there, okay?

- Yeah, uh...
- Okay.

- Uh, five, six, seven, eight.
Go.

- Danny, someone fucking
knows about our thing.

- I know.
- No, you don't.

- Yeah, PR just texted me.
- Okay.

So what are we going
to do about it?

- Guys, I really do need
you to step it out more, okay?

Left, right, left, right,
like that.

Okay?
- Yeah.

- Yeah. We got it. We'll do it.
- Yeah, we've got it.

- You sure?
- Yeah, yeah, we'll run it.

- Do your thing.
- Okay, great.

So I've got to go
and work with Stella.

You know, in fact,
her individual number,

she's on first, so just run it
a couple of times.

Any problems, just...
[smooches] All right?

- Bye.
- I need to chat with you.

- Okay.
Um--um, Una?

Uh, I would love, um,
something to drink.

Something sweet
but nothing from here.

Like, something
from my dressing room.

You know what I mean.
- Uh--uh--

Okay, um...

- Look...
I can't go on tonight

thinking this is the last time
we dance together.

- But it's the finals.
- Yeah, I know.

But I don't want it
to be the final for us.

- Okay, but maybe we--
should we just get

our stories straight first?
- Well, let 'em print it.

I mean, fuck it, it's true.

Maybe something
needed to break.

You know what?
It's time.

I told you, I love Carrie.
- Mm-hmm?

- She's known me
since I was 14.

But she doesn't really
know me, you know?

I spoke to you
about all that stuff

with Rob and all that.
- Mm-hmm?

- And you're the only person
who gets it, you know?

You get what it is
to compartmentalise your life.

You get being famous and not
being able to be yourself.

You know, you--you get me.
- [laughs]

- And I just--I don't know--
I can't keep living this life,

you know?

- Maybe this isn't something
to be decided

on the most stressful night
of your life

when your dad just died.
- No, but it is.

It's like...
it's like I'm next.

And I know it's been
no time with us.

- I know, it's been a week.
- Yeah.

But maybe that's
a wake-up call.

- Or a snooze button.
You know?

- I just, I feel weirdly alive.
This is--

[people cheer]
Oh, someone must've scored.

Last minute.

- Okay. Hi, so we're not
going to penalty.

So ten minutes
till the show starts.

Just do makeup, I'm sorry.
- Okay, fine.

Sorry.
- It's quite all right.

- See you on the pitch.
- See you on the pitch.

- Um, this way,
this way, this way.

Whoo!

[suspenseful music]

- Which way?
Which way?

- Sorry, left.

Left.

Through.

Two minutes out.

[indistinct chatter]

- Um, Suzie, we should--
[high-pitched ringing]

- Oh.

Um, my stomach's really bad.

I really need to go to the loo.
- Well, it's just there, so--

- Actually, I could
really do with my fags.

Can you go to my dressing room?
I think they're in there.

And then I'll meet you
in costume.

- I can get someone
else to bring them.

- No, I can go to
the loo, it's fine.

- Okay, Okay.

[alarm blaring,
ringing continues]

- Seriously!
Relax!

Relax!

[blaring intensifies]

[door closes]

- Suzie!

Can you believe
I'm on first tonight?

I'm late.
- Mm.

Hi.

- And they've changed
my routine.

It's just not cool.
- I've just--I've got to go.

Because my son's
having a tantrum downstairs.

- Listen, I know we
haven't spoken very much.

And I wish you all the
good in the world tonight,

because at some point,
I would love to pick

your brains about acting.
- Oh!

- Ultimately, that's
something I'd love to explore.

- Oh, amazing.
- Like, drama school?

Is that necessary or not?
I know you didn't.

And sometimes I actually
think actors never--

- Can we talk about it later?
- I can give you my email.

And then you can email me.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

- Whenever. Okay.
- Sure, sure.

- So you give me your email,
and I'll email you my email.

- Okay, it's suzielegendary222
@suzielegend.com.

Okay?
- Okay.

- Someone else set that up.

- I'm just saying,
you do not need

to email me back in the email.
- Got it.

- Okay.
Bye.

She's so nice.

I'm obsessed with her.

[door opens]

[phone ringing]

- Fuck!

Fuck!
Phone!

- Is your finger okay?

- My...?

Yeah.
Uh...

- Well, that's good, isn't it?
- No, not this time.

But, you know, it's a marathon.

- Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that, mate, that's...

- I really don't particularly
want to talk about it.

Not because, just, you know...

[high-pitched ringing]

- Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, what the fuck?

No, no, Fred!
Fred, no!

- Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey!

What's the issue?
What's the issue?

- Hey! No.
Calm down. Calm down.

Understand?

- He didn't want
to leave his dad.

- He wanted to
watch the football, so...

Which to be fair--

- I didn't know whether to
physically tear him away.

- Yeah. No, it's not ideal.
Okay. Hello.

- Yeah.
- Right.

Okay, anyway, having not
heard from your people,

I assume he's staying
with me tomorrow.

So maybe I'll just
take him home.

- We just haven't
heard back yet.

It's there's a backlog
because of this.

- Great. It's not one day
he's acting up, is it?

He's hasn't seen it.

He's the same room
for six months.

- Do you remember how
we talked about tonight?

Okay, well,
you haven't, Frank.

- Yes, he has pretty much
watched every game.

So in fairness to him--

- It would--it would mean
a lot to me

if you stayed

and watched Mummy dance.

- Yeah, I've said
all this to him.

- You've been so helpful,
and we've done this together.

No, Dad can't come.

But Bailey's here.

Oh, well, that's
new information.

- He doesn't want
to be here, Suzie.

- That's not what he's saying.
- Yeah. Do you know what?

If you'd let me finish,
what I was going to say is,

he doesn't want to be here.

So why don't I just come and
sit with him for a while?

- There isn't anywhere.
There isn't any passes.

- Okay, fine.

[high-pitched ringing]

- I haven't got time for this.
- Who's down here?

Hiya.
- Grandma's here!

- Oh, Suzie, hi.
- Oh, hello!

- Football's actually
just finished,

so we actually need
to get you to makeup

and get you into makeup
and get everyone set down,

because we're actually
literally just about to start.

- God, he looks
just like you, Cob.

- Yeah?
- Oh, God.

[ringing continues]

- No, there's not
enough seats, darling.

- Well, hang on, I've
got a spare seat.

- Mum, can we not?
Okay?

We can't--
- She's got a spare seat.

- We can't be swapping seats.

There's a rule
in the house, okay?

- Ah, there's a rule
about that.

- People have been
background-checked,

that you've been
background-checked.

Oh, my God, anyway,
Dad doesn't want to.

- Listen, I will do anything
just to make sure he's okay.

- Yeah, exactly.
Come on, it's Christmas.

- You need to leave--

- Oh, excuse me,
it's Christmas.

- No, Cob, you might not
actually want to go in there.

- Well, was that
a Christmas present, Cob,

when you sent
him home with no hair?

- I beg your pardon?

He's entitled to do what
he wants with his hair.

- Never said anything
about wanting to cut his hair.

- Oh, hasn't he? Well,
I'm so glad he's no longer

just a fucking extension
of you!

[ringing continues]

- Oh.

[ringing continues]

- Um, Una, could you get--put
Frank, in the audience

with his dad?

Can you help me
sort that, please?

- Sure.

- Thanks, Una.
- Okay. Yeah, sure.

- Okay.

- Hey, costume, come in.

- Just one minute.
- Headed to you now.

Front of house,
can you come in?

Can you make sure

that Suzie's family are seated
in row A, please?

[indistinct chatter]

[drumroll]

[percussive music]

- You're a fucking idiot.

♪ ♪

- Yeah, copy that.

I'm in costume with Suzie now.

Yeah, eyes on wardrobe.

Anyone have eyes on wardrobe?

Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.

Oh, it's just for a second.

- They don't like us
doing that.

- No, please.
Listen.

You know, if someone--

I just want to know if
someone has come to you, okay,

and asked you to talk about
things that are happening

behind the scenes,
if they had,

I want you to know that
I would totally understand

if you told that, okay?
- Suzie?

- No, seriously,
I know what they're like, okay?

And I know they
pay you shit here.

And I have money, okay?
- No, Suzie, not--

- No, please, please, I just
want you to know, just for me,

that I would be happy to offer
as much for something

to be taken back, if that's--

Like, I don't even know
if they do that.

I just--you know, I can't--

I really just can't.

Okay, I can't.
I can't. I can't.

I can't wake up tomorrow
and look at my phone.

And I just--
- Suzie, no, no, sorry.

I'm really--
I don't know--I'm sorry.

Are you talking about a news
story about you and Danny?

- Me and Danny.
Yes.

I would never--
- Because--

- I would never do that.

- But listen, 'cause it doesn't
mean anything, okay?

It's just, on this show,
a week is a month.

And there's, like, five points
of body contact all day.

And a dance is the
same as a shag,

and it doesn't mean anything.

But if you know who might
know or who'd be likely to,

then I'll talk to them.

I'll talk to them.
- No, I mean, I'm really sorry.

But everyone knows.

[knock at door]
- Look who it is.

[laughs]
- Oh, my God!

- Suzie.

- I haven't seen you
in so long!

- Come here,
I've got it all ready.

- Oh.

How are you?
- I'm fine, thank you.

- Yeah, Cat's daughter's
got norovirus,

so I'm just help it out a bit.

Oh.

I used to dress this one
back when she was a singer--

a tiny singer.

- She was there when
they were stuffing me

into all that fucking gear
like a teenage prosi.

- Did all
of your '90s eyebrows.

- Oh, my God, I hated that.
- I'm just going to be outside.

- Okay.
- That's not how I remember it.

No one was putting
you in anything.

It was all like,
"Oh, no, none of that.

"I don't want that.

Oh, no, that's too loose."

You knew what you were doing.

Give the people what they want.

All right, little Pickles.

[laughter]

Do you remember?

You were having an affair
with some married guy.

And it's--it's only recently

I realised it must have been
Bailey Quinn.

- God.

- It's crazy how things
come round again, isn't it?

- Yeah.

Una?
- Yeah?

- I know what I want
to do about Danny.

I need Sian and Holland.

- Uh, yeah, but Stella's
just gone on,

so we need you in makeup now--

well, actually,
earlier than now.

- Can you bring them
to makeup for me, please?

- Okay, yes.
Yeah, yeah.

- Can we get Suzie
to makeup, please?

- Okay.

So two people fuck
in a dance competition.

Who cares?

What I want to do is offer
them something different.

I mean, you sometimes
see that, right?

- I have, on occasion,
thrown other clients

under the bus for you.

But obviously I wouldn't do
that to you for someone else.

- Yeah.
- So you did.

You have with Danny
after, you know, months

of our trying
to turn you around.

- So offer them
that my ex-husband wants

to take my son away from me
at Christmas

for doing this show--

that, basically,
because I've got a job,

my ex wants to separate
a mother from her son.

And that he insists
I do drug testing.

- Okay, well, it's going to be
obvious that it came from you.

- Okay, well, not really,
because my friend's

been dealing with all the texts
and emails,

and I can provide those,

because, basically,
this is true.

I mean, that's just--that's
what's amazing about it,

is we could swap this story
for the Danny story.

And what's great is that
everything that I'm saying

is that it's true.

It's incredible.

Actually, he's just
telling the truth.

I don't have to
remember anything.

- Do you know how hard it was
to get you on this show?

And then to get you back on it?

- Yeah, they're not going to go

with the harrowing
custody dispute.

They're going to go

with two people fuck
in a dance competition.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Really? Because I'm not
the story here

when it comes to Danny Carno
and affairs, okay?

And not just with women.

So I think that's
more of the story.

- We can't out him.
He's a footballer.

- Okay, sure, but he would be
winning as a bisexual man.

They literally have
no representation at all.

- Right?

- Oh, I think we've just
found Holland's line.

Look, I'm just saying
what's true, all right?

You can do what
you want with that.

- Okay, well, there's some
lines that we just don't cross.

Okay?
- Well--

- Hey, Suzie,
you're due onstage.

Can anyone not involved
in the show leave?

- Ideally, if Danny wins,
which I hope he does,

he'll be winning
as an out bisexual man.

- We should just brace
ourselves for tomorrow.

- All right, everyone out.

Let's start traveling!

- She said she's doing it
without me.

- No, no, no, no.
Obviously base.

- Okay, let's go,
let's go, let's go.

- Traveling now to stage.

Can we get wardrobe, please?

[high-pitched ringing,
indistinct chatter]

- And is sound on their way?
Katie, when are we doing sound?

- We're going to do it
on the way to the stage.

It's fine.
Don't worry about it.

[electronic music]

- Are they set?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay, right.

♪ ♪

- Sorry about that.

[crowd cheering]

[announcer
speaking indistinctly over PA]

Coming to the stage,
we have Suzie Pickles,

paired up with Danny Carno.

[applause]
- Yes.

- Like 30 seconds to get there.
- Right.

- But then it's time
for Suzie--

[cheers and applause]

[indistinct chatter]

- Just check that she's mic'd?

- Yeah, she's mic'd.
Yeah.

- Two, one, two.

- Whatever happens next, thank
you for voting for me today.

♪ ♪

- Now, for your delectation,
one of our four finalists.

A fighter, a sweetheart,
a phoenix!

Suzie Pickles.

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- Oh, Suzie!

[cheers and applause]

Suzie! Suzie! Suzie!

- Love you, Suzie!

[cheers and applause continue]

[soft music playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ I am the girl you know ♪

♪ Can't look you in the eye ♪

♪ I am the girl you know ♪

♪ I lie, I lie and lie ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'm Miss World ♪

♪ Watch me beg ♪

♪ And watch me move ♪

♪ No one is listening ♪

♪ I made my bed,
I'll lie in it ♪

♪ I made my bed,
I'll die in it ♪

♪ I made my bed,
I'll lie in it ♪

♪ I made my bed,
I'll die in it ♪

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Where's Frank?
- Oh, my God, that was amazing.

People loved it.

- Can you find out
where they are?

- Yeah.
[bell ringing]

- Because I'm
pretty sure my son

wasn't in his seat at the end.

- Um, okay, I'll
call front and ask.

- Is he okay?
Where are they?

- I don't know--I'm calling
front of house now.

- My feet.

- Do we have a location
on Suzie's family?

- Well done!
- Hey, hey.

- Hi. Your husband and
your son have been taken

to your dressing room.
- My dressing room?

Why are they in
my dressing room?

Why are they not
in the green room?

- It's over capacity. There's
a number of guests in there

who say they're your agents.
- Okay.

[indistinct chatter]

[distant cheers and applause]

- Look, at this point...

[cell phone buzzing, ringing]

- Hello?

- Hi, Suzie, It's Tim here,
from Haskins and Co.

- Just one second.
I won't be a minute.

All right.

- Suzie?
- Yeah?

- Just checking
you can hear me.

- Yeah, I haven't got long.

- Hi, Suzie.
It's Poppy here, too.

Can you hear us?

- Yes, I can hear you.
- Okay.

Your hair follicle tests
have come back inconclusive.

- Okay.
Um, so what's that?

- That just means that
they're unable to ascertain

from the sample
whether there are

any banned substances present.

- Right,
so they didn't find any,

so it's not a positive test.

- No, it's not
a positive test.

It's come back
as inconclusive.

- Fuck, yes!
Fuck, yes!

- No, Suzie,
it basically means

they can't accurately
determine

if there are
any banned substances present

because the hair
has been damaged

with peroxide and ammonia.

- But they didn't
find any drugs, though.

- No. But he may argue you
dyed your hair on purpose

to obscure the results.
- No, no, I had to dye my hair.

I had to go blonde
for work, for the show.

So should we go back?
Can we go back?

- [sighs] It's Christmas Eve,
so we can't go back.

This won't stand up
as a negative drug test result

simply because it isn't.

- So what happens?

- We don't want to send
these results to him.

We don't want him
to have any ammunition

he could use
in future disputes.

We think the smart move
is to gift him Christmas.

- This is
just a battle, Suzie.

It's not the war.

- Well, I didn't want to be
in a battle or a war.

- We need to prepare for him
applying for full custody,

which he's threatening to do.

We need your character
to be whiter than white.

[knock at door]
- Yeah?

- Can we get
Phoebe's costume, please?

- Suzie?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[door opens]

- Costume's
in six minutes, Suzie.

- Yep.

- Hey.

Oh.

- He wanted to be
backstage with you,

and he was starting
to make a fuss.

- You said you wanted
to sit with your dad.

[door closes]

Oh, honey, you can't--

- He's having
a tough time, Suze.

I mean, this is--
this is chaos.

He doesn't even know where
he's spending Christmas.

He can spend it with you.

- Were they positive?

The results--
they fucking were.

- No, I don't want to talk
about it right now.

Let's talk about it later.
- [laughing] Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck, Suzie.

You know...

when there's this much chaos
around a person,

eventually you have
to ask yourself

if it's 'cause they quite
like it.

- Frank.
- He deserves to be here.

It affects him personally--
- Stop.

- Okay.
- Stop.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for what happened
in reception.

I'm sorry I raised my voice.

But I'm going to have
to fucking say something now,

for my motherfucking soul,
okay?

Even though it's unbelievably
humiliating and painful

to do it.

I feel like I have to--
I have to say this.

Look, I just...

Just know, I think maybe this
isn't the right thing to do.

I really think
this might not be

the right thing to do
for this guy.

And I feel like
I wouldn't forgive myself

if I didn't say to you
that I do--

I-I think we both
did love each other

properly at one point.
- Don't engage with this.

- And I think--

- I just can't engage
with this right now.

- It would be--
- I just can't. I can't.

And I'm actually,
I'm actually really angry

that you're doing this.

- Well, my therapist says

that I may also carry
some anger issues.

So I'm aware that's something
I need to think about.

- Please, just--Please.
- It's not just--

- Why do you experience
everything as a threat?

- I'm not--

- Even when somebody
says that they love you.

- I just think this
is quite cruel.

- How is this cruel?
[scoffs]

That is never going to
not be your story, is it?

I'm standing here
with my fucking pants down,

trying to--and--and you're--
- This is what I--

- And you're still being
the victim.

- Why?
Why do you keep--

- What?
Trying to save our family?

I fucking meant it
when I married you.

I meant it.

And we're going to be in each
other's lives for the rest--

Well, we--we're--we're--

Anyway, we might as well be
in each other's lives properly.

What's the fucking--I know
this is what you turn to,

and I know that you love this
bullshit, but it's not real.

I'm sorry, it's not real.

Suzie, you're going to finish
second at best

to a weak defender turned
fucking Twitch streamer.

None of this is worth it.

All right, buddy.
Okay, I get it.

[no audio]

[light whooshing]

[door opens]
- Hello, hi.

They asked me to bring
these up from reception,

because apparently
there are too many

and they're causing
a fire hazard.

- Oh, my God, where are they--
What are they?

- "Sorry I wasn't
good enough for you."

- Well, it's--

- Oh, well, what
the fuck is this?

- Bailey's bored.

Hey, um, Una?
- Can't bloody believe it.

- Yeah?

- Okay, this is
too many flowers now.

- Sorry, here.
- Please take that.

But take those home.
- Okay, thank you.

- Let's just get these out
and give them to people,

- Very good.
- You're a saint.

- I think I see
what's happening here.

I mean, you're not even
remotely this lovable,

by the way.
- Yes, I know.

And also, stop.

- I thought you changed,
actually, the way

you've been messaging me.

It's been awful,
obviously, 'cause it's you,

but at least it's been direct.

At least I've understood
what you mean

and who the fuck you are.

- It wasn't me messaging you,
Cob, it's Naomi.

Here, take these.

- Oh, okay, you kept that
one quiet, didn't you?

- Well, that's
kind of the point.

- Lovely.
- Eh.

- Right, Okay.
All right.

- Sorry.
- Okay, fuck me.

Jesus fucking Christ.

You know, she thinks
you're crazy, too, by the way.

- No, I did not say that.

- Yes, you did.
- I did not say that.

- She said it after work at
dinner in that Italian place,

and I offered you my spunk.
- Oh, yeah, great.

- That's really clever.
- Nice one.

We were talking
about your IVF shit,

and you said you thought she'd
gone crazy, so there you go.

- Well, I mean, of course she's
crazy--anyone would be.

I don't think that's
a contentious thing to say.

Sorry.
- Okay, great.

Well, I'm going to go.

Listen, I've got to go, okay?

You're going to stay
with Naomi.

Okay, can we get Frank and
his dad next to each other?

- Yeah.
- Get them some seats?

- I can reseat them now,
yeah, yeah.

- Okay, great. Okay, so she's
going to try and sort it out.

I've got to go.
I love you, okay?

I've got to go to work.
- Come on.

Mummy's having a bad night.

- You okay?

- Yeah, I just don't know
what's been going on with you.

- Nothing's going on
with me, fucking hell.

Apart from my job as your
unpaid nanny, mediator,

secret agent, which is nowhere
near as cool as it sounds,

by the way.
- Okay, Naomi.

Why don't you just hook
yourself up?

Just invoice me.

I'm sorry I don't have
some weird rich family

who just suddenly give me
a deposit for a house.

But sure.
- You're mature.

- Yeah, I'm probably crazy.
- Oh, God, really?

Okay.
- Did you fuck him?

- I'm not you.

- All right.
Bye, mate.

- Okay, bye!
- Fucking bye!

- See ya!

[door slams]

- Nay?

Nay?

[distant orchestral music
playing]

[distant cheers and applause]

- Okay.

- Hi.
[grunts]

- Let's get these fellas on.

- ♪ Silent night ♪

- Ah, these don't fit anyone.

- That's it.

If you pull on,
I'll keep it straight.

There you go.

Lovely.

- I can't believe
tomorrow it's all over.

- Yeah.

I've got money
on you, you know?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Mm, Zach's
very charming, but...

charm wears off.

And British public aren't
going to vote for Stella.

I mean, you'll have to lick
a boot, but not that much.

[sighs] Now, Danny, yeah,
he's the real deal.

- ♪ Sleep in heavenly... ♪

- But you're more interesting
than any of them.

It's you who'll be
all over the papers tomorrow.

- [snorts]
- ♪ Silent night... ♪

- Okay.

Let's have a look at you.

[inhales deeply]
Ah.

Oh, this is fucking great.
- Yeah?

- It's a shame you've got
to wear a jacket over it.

- That's what I think.

- You've been doing this
your whole life.

You fucking show 'em.

[cheers and applause]

[electronic music]

♪ ♪

- [softly] Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

- One! Ten seconds
and we're live, people!

- [mouthing words]
- Clear the floor!

- And now this is it, folks--

the last dance
of "Dance Crazee Xmas"!

Our two remaining couples
will compete in the dance-off.

It's your last chance
to decide who will be crowned

the "Dance Crazee" champion!

Let's give it up for Stella,
Zach, Danny, and Suzie.

[crowd shouting]

[electronic music playing]

♪ ♪

- Aah!

♪ ♪

- ♪ Dancing freaky ♪

♪ 'Cause you know
the vibe is watching ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- Come on, come on,
come on, come on!

♪ ♪

[alarm sounding]

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Christmas ♪

- ♪ Snow's coming down ♪

- ♪ Christmas ♪

♪ I'm watching--
watching--watching-- ♪

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- Okay, so that is us
for the night.

Amazing.

Merry Christmas!

Oh, amazing!

Okay, so...

as you can see, voting
has been going wild.

What we do now
is add the couple's score

to their individual score.

That is happening right now.

And we are going to see

who is our "Dance Crazee"
champion 2022.

[cheers and applause]

Suzie Pickles!

Oh, my God!

- Aah!
[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

- Yes!

- Suzie Pickles,

you are Great Britain's
favorite dancer,

the "Dance Crazee" champion!

[cheers and applause]

Suzie, you're our winner.
How does it feel?

- Oh.

Well, th...

Thank you.

I mean, they say
this is, um...

a-a journey.

Oh, my God. Um...

Look, I just--

I want to say thank you
to the people at home,

'cause you're the ones

who have actually been there
for me, you know?

And, like, seen me
through all of this.

Like, the real me.

Like, that was just...

Anyway, look,
this has been a trip

and...

the best moment of my life.

No, actually, the best
moment of my life...

- We love you, Suzie.

- And the person
this is all for

is you, Frank.

Whatever you read about
Mummy, Frank, I love you...

so, so much.

This is for you.

Everything is for you.

- Thank you, Suzie.

- And I'm so--

I'm so sorry I can't be
with you this Christmas...

- It's been an emotional
evening for all of us.

Well, that's Christmas,
isn't it?

- Like I promised.

- Let's hear it for our winner,
Suzie Pickles.

- You're not going to be
with me this year.

You're going to be with your--

- Let's not forget
our other contestants.

- Okay, you're taking him out.

Fucking go with it.

Oh, fuck it.

You don't know.

Who cares?

Who fucking cares?

[all gasp]
- Live TV, folks.

[indistinct chatter]

- But this is--
this is true,

because this is
something I had to do

because my hair went to shit...

because of Frank's dad.

So, sorry about that.

- So let's roll the retake.

And here's Suzie's best bits.

- I need to get her off.
- Can't test me now.

And thank you, Jacob,

because you're not
taking anything else

away from me anymore
that's mine.

It's just this
really incredible--

That's mine!
That's mine!

I'm really grateful.

Oh!

I should probably say
thank you to a few people.

Oh, look,
the cameras are going.

Well, that's how you know.

- Suzie, Suzie, don't.

Don't do this, okay?

Just pop that back on.

Okay?
- No.

- Think
of the custody situation.

- I'm not going to lose custody
for not having hair.

- You are for not having hair
on television.

- Oh, Sian.
You're just an agent.

- Suzie?

She's exhausted.
[indistinct chatter]

- We're gonna keep
running VTs, guys.

- Relax. Relax.
- No drama here.

- But where's Naomi?

Naomi, I mean, she's
out there somewhere, right?

Or did she--did she go?

Did she actually go?

[pop music playing]

Oh, she's gone.

[high-pitched ringing]

- Let's go home.

- Oh, Nay.

Well done.

[laughing]
I'm so proud of you, Nay.

Your boundaries.

You've-- you've gone.

I'm so happy for you.

- ♪ Stars in your eyes ♪

- Okay, they're playing music
now, so they want us to dance.

- Maybe we should go somewhere
you'd be more comfortable.

- Everyone come and dance.

So they want us to dance!

I want to thank my mum.

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, well done, sweetheart.

- They love me, Mum.

Well, I would like
to thank my dad,

who can't be here this evening.

Thank you, Dad,
for your consistency.

Whee!
[laughing]

Oh!

Whee!

Baby!

- Let--let's--

- No, no, we're going
to have a dance.

- We're dancing.
- Come on, guys.

- We're going to--
- Please, please?

- Come this way.
- Let's go home, love.

You were happy there.
- I wasn't happy.

I was just
whatever you wanted me to be,

which happened to be happy.

- So what?

♪ ♪

- Danny, they love me.

Everyone loves me!

- You've ruined my life.

- Oh come on, darling,

it's just
a stupid dancing competition.

Oh!

[gasping]

I will never, ever,
ever let you down.

[breathing heavily]

♪ ♪

I'd like to tell my agents

they've been so great.

Oh, are we going off?

I mean, there's normally
someone here to tell you.

Wait, which way do I go off?

- ♪ To the circus in the sky ♪

- Whoa!

[laughing]

Oh!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Now it's time to go.
- Mm-mm.

Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
Mm-mm-mm.

- Come on, it's time to go.
- No. No!

- We're just going
to help you out.

- I don't want to go!

No! No!

[sustained beep]

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