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1
00:00:02,263 --> 00:00:03,829
- And as the neighbor
was spraying us
2
00:00:03,873 --> 00:00:05,788
with a hose to separate us,
3
00:00:05,831 --> 00:00:08,965
my boyfriend Jimmy Chonga
whispered into my ear,
4
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:11,794
"Now I know
that dogs do have souls,
5
00:00:11,837 --> 00:00:13,665
because ours just mated."
6
00:00:13,709 --> 00:00:15,406
- All of that is a lie.
7
00:00:15,450 --> 00:00:18,583
Those of you on Team Darla
will be happy to know
8
00:00:18,627 --> 00:00:22,065
that she's quit Lindsay,
that femme fatale of footwear,
9
00:00:22,109 --> 00:00:23,849
and has come back to me.
10
00:00:23,893 --> 00:00:25,068
- Well, that's wonderful...
11
00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:27,070
- Not ready for feedback.
There's more.
12
00:00:27,114 --> 00:00:29,290
Xavier is coming home
from college.
13
00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:32,858
- And Xavier is an upside down
colander you hooked up with?
14
00:00:32,902 --> 00:00:35,078
- Xavier is my original human.
15
00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:37,907
I was a gift to him
on his seventh birthday,
16
00:00:37,950 --> 00:00:40,692
and we were inseparable
until he left for college.
17
00:00:40,736 --> 00:00:43,043
We were even in a band together,
18
00:00:43,086 --> 00:00:45,828
until I slept
with one of the drumsticks.
19
00:00:45,871 --> 00:00:46,872
- Jill is getting a puppy.
20
00:00:48,396 --> 00:00:51,877
- Take that back,
you scale-faced sack of algae!
21
00:00:51,921 --> 00:00:54,663
And I... I mean, what are you
talking about, Bubbles?
22
00:00:54,706 --> 00:00:56,273
- It's true.
23
00:00:56,317 --> 00:00:58,449
Jill has been on her lap thing
every night searching.
24
00:00:58,493 --> 00:01:00,625
- There's no way Jill would
make a decision like that
25
00:01:00,669 --> 00:01:02,105
without consulting me.
26
00:01:02,149 --> 00:01:05,369
- Sexy new baby replace
sexy older baby in prime.
27
00:01:05,413 --> 00:01:07,502
It is Kit Kat all over again.
28
00:01:07,545 --> 00:01:08,633
- All right. Enough.
29
00:01:08,677 --> 00:01:09,895
We're not getting our news
30
00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:11,897
from an animal
with a brain so small
31
00:01:11,941 --> 00:01:13,551
she doesn't even know
how to pinch off a poop.
32
00:01:13,595 --> 00:01:15,118
- This is not a poop.
33
00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:17,120
It's a scarf that my butt makes,
34
00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:19,340
and you're all getting one
for Christmas.
35
00:01:19,383 --> 00:01:21,037
- Ooh! Are they all brown?
36
00:01:54,462 --> 00:01:56,812
- Are you sure she was
looking at puppies
37
00:01:56,855 --> 00:01:58,596
and not just on a dating site?
38
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:01,643
- I may be a fish, but I know
the difference between a puppy
39
00:02:01,686 --> 00:02:03,471
and a divorced
real estate agent.
40
00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:06,648
- But we have a puppy. Me.
That's my role.
41
00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:07,823
- Chief, you're six.
42
00:02:07,866 --> 00:02:09,520
- That doesn't matter.
I'm baby.
43
00:02:09,564 --> 00:02:12,132
Me baby. Goo-goo-bow-wow.
44
00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:14,090
- I relate to the fear
you're expressing
45
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,613
through that cringy baby talk.
46
00:02:15,657 --> 00:02:17,180
- Phank woo.
47
00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:19,008
- But, you know, I've thought
about it some more,
48
00:02:19,051 --> 00:02:20,923
and I think
it could be good for us.
49
00:02:20,966 --> 00:02:23,230
Besides,
Jill may get other pets,
50
00:02:23,273 --> 00:02:25,536
but none will have
our special connection.
51
00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:27,973
Sometimes Jill will
put her glasses on me.
52
00:02:28,017 --> 00:02:30,628
Oh, and one time
she tried on my collar.
53
00:02:30,672 --> 00:02:32,282
- Go get the leash.
54
00:02:32,326 --> 00:02:34,197
- If Jill is gonna get us a pet,
55
00:02:34,241 --> 00:02:36,678
why doesn't she do
something cool like clone me
56
00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:38,680
so I can be successful at work
57
00:02:38,723 --> 00:02:40,769
while spending quality time
with the kids?
58
00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:42,249
- What?
- My point is,
59
00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:44,860
me wub the way things awe.
60
00:02:44,903 --> 00:02:47,776
- It's going to be okay.
Twust me.
61
00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:50,692
- Ugh, Honey, I just spent
this whole conversation
62
00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:53,260
explaining why I don't want
another baby in the house.
63
00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:55,305
I mean, were you even wistening?
64
00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:58,656
- That baby talk
should be a turn-off, but...
65
00:03:02,051 --> 00:03:03,444
- Come on, Tabs.
It's dinner time.
66
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:04,967
- I-I can't.
67
00:03:05,010 --> 00:03:06,447
I made promise to myself,
68
00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:10,015
never again participate
in Tuna Toes Tuesday.
69
00:03:10,059 --> 00:03:12,235
Ugh!
70
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,933
- I love my life.
71
00:03:14,977 --> 00:03:16,544
- I know you're hungry,
72
00:03:16,587 --> 00:03:18,372
so I'm gonna share
something with you
73
00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:20,809
that I've never shared
with another cat.
74
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,858
- You own two-story house?
- With my credit score?
75
00:03:26,902 --> 00:03:28,469
I don't think so.
76
00:03:28,512 --> 00:03:31,254
The lady that lives here
puts out food for stray cats.
77
00:03:31,298 --> 00:03:33,038
And if a person tries
to take it,
78
00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:35,171
she calls the police.
79
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,217
It's hilarious.
80
00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:40,350
Is that wet cat food?
In crystal goblet?
81
00:03:40,394 --> 00:03:44,006
Uh-huh.
82
00:03:48,315 --> 00:03:50,186
Hmm...
83
00:03:52,275 --> 00:03:54,843
That is me.
84
00:03:54,886 --> 00:03:57,541
And that is me.
85
00:03:57,585 --> 00:03:59,674
And that is guitar lessons,
86
00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:02,024
but underneath that is me.
87
00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:04,244
Why would they use that picture?
88
00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:06,594
- Yeah, it's not
one of your best,
89
00:04:06,637 --> 00:04:09,988
but the fact that they're using
this less beautiful
90
00:04:10,032 --> 00:04:14,341
but more accurate picture shows
how much they want you back.
91
00:04:14,384 --> 00:04:15,994
Let me rephrase that.
92
00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:18,301
See, they can't use
one of your glamour shots
93
00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:19,955
because it wouldn't look like...
94
00:04:19,998 --> 00:04:21,435
- I want to go.
95
00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:24,307
- Aww, don't listen to me.
I only have one eye.
96
00:04:25,743 --> 00:04:27,745
Sorry, ma'am.
97
00:04:27,789 --> 00:04:30,748
- Honey, Chief, come.
98
00:04:30,792 --> 00:04:33,882
I have a surprise
for you next door.
99
00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:36,667
- I love surprises.
I hope it's a poop scarf.
100
00:04:36,711 --> 00:04:39,931
- Little Cookie.
She's cute, right? I found her.
101
00:04:39,975 --> 00:04:41,933
- She's the sweetest
little puppy.
102
00:04:41,977 --> 00:04:45,328
- Ah.
The puppy is for our neighbor.
103
00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:48,853
Now don't you feel silly
for getting so worked up?
104
00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:51,160
Hey there, Little Cookie.
105
00:04:51,203 --> 00:04:53,467
Aww, aren't you
the female friend and daughter
106
00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:54,816
I've always wanted?
107
00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:56,426
Yes, you are.
108
00:04:56,470 --> 00:04:58,341
Hold. Hold.
109
00:04:58,385 --> 00:05:00,212
Now, tell that bitch who's boss.
110
00:05:02,737 --> 00:05:05,217
- Feels great
on your anal sac, right?
111
00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:08,133
Don't ever let anyone
tell you this is wrong.
112
00:05:08,177 --> 00:05:10,266
- Little Cookie,
you're the best therapist
113
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,746
in the whole quadrant.
114
00:05:11,789 --> 00:05:14,096
- That's only because
I learned from the best.
115
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,667
- Okay.
116
00:05:19,710 --> 00:05:22,060
Pass on my wisdom
to you later, I will.
117
00:05:23,888 --> 00:05:27,109
That was a reference
to a thing I was thinking.
118
00:05:27,152 --> 00:05:28,806
Okay, bye.
119
00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:35,552
- Is she still watching us?
120
00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:36,988
- Yes.
121
00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:39,121
I just wish
she'd move on with her life.
122
00:05:39,164 --> 00:05:43,647
Her constant lurking really
gives me a de-rection.
123
00:05:46,171 --> 00:05:47,999
It's Xavier! He's home!
124
00:05:51,307 --> 00:05:54,136
My man, what it be?
125
00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:56,486
- I can't believe
I left you here.
126
00:05:56,530 --> 00:05:59,097
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
127
00:05:59,141 --> 00:06:01,448
You're coming back
to school with me.
128
00:06:01,491 --> 00:06:02,884
Oh, hey Shel.
Hey, other turtle.
129
00:06:04,712 --> 00:06:07,192
- Xavier and Lindsay?
130
00:06:07,236 --> 00:06:09,369
- I give them a week.
131
00:06:09,412 --> 00:06:11,414
- I can't put this off
any longer.
132
00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:13,721
You guys are going
to meet him soon enough.
133
00:06:13,764 --> 00:06:15,331
- Who?
- Jimmy Chonga?
134
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,072
- Okay, remember I'm laying odds
135
00:06:17,115 --> 00:06:19,857
that she brings in a watermelon
on four carrot legs.
136
00:06:19,901 --> 00:06:21,119
- I always imagined him
137
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:22,817
to be a cantaloupe
with pretzel stick legs.
138
00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:25,602
- I picture a piƱata
full of misplaced hope.
139
00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:28,126
- I know this roasting
is a sign of your respect,
140
00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:29,867
but this is serious.
141
00:06:29,911 --> 00:06:31,216
Jimmy Chonga exists.
142
00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:33,871
He just doesn't know that I do.
143
00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:35,612
I've had a crush on him
since puppy class,
144
00:06:35,656 --> 00:06:37,309
and he's just moved
to our neighborhood.
145
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:39,529
So chances are you'll run
into him at the dog park.
146
00:06:39,573 --> 00:06:40,661
- You know what, Elsa?
147
00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:43,141
I am really glad
Jimmy Chonga exists.
148
00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:46,536
And given the way you feel
about him, he is one lucky dog.
149
00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:49,147
- I feel a "but" coming.
- Oh, there is a butt, Tabitha.
150
00:06:49,191 --> 00:06:51,193
It's mine,
and soon you'll be watching it
151
00:06:51,236 --> 00:06:52,542
walk out that door.
152
00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:56,372
Yep, I'm joining Cloons
and fam in London.
153
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,287
But before I go,
154
00:06:58,330 --> 00:07:00,594
I just wanna tell you all
what you've meant to me.
155
00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:04,162
- This is going to be good.
- No, it's not.
156
00:07:04,206 --> 00:07:07,514
But Shel, one thing I love
about you is your optimism.
157
00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:10,081
And Nibbles, you're tough
as nails with a heart of gold.
158
00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:11,561
- Nope.
- Chico!
159
00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:13,476
Did I already use
optimism on Shel?
160
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:14,912
- Same for you.
- Aww.
161
00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:16,827
- Oh, Tabitha, The Gray One.
162
00:07:16,871 --> 00:07:19,787
Will they? Won't they?
Who cares? I do.
163
00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:22,267
And Diablo, what are you?
Like, a dog?
164
00:07:22,311 --> 00:07:24,052
I was gonna ask you
the first week,
165
00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:26,097
but then too much time passed
and it would have been weird.
166
00:07:26,141 --> 00:07:27,490
- I mean, it's pretty weird now.
167
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:29,361
- And Honey, deep down
168
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,538
I think you may be crazier
than all of us,
169
00:07:31,581 --> 00:07:33,104
but that's why I love you, mama.
170
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:34,889
- Well, that wasn't
a compliment, but...
171
00:07:34,932 --> 00:07:36,151
- Later, losers. Ha-ha!
172
00:07:36,194 --> 00:07:37,587
- Wait.
You're leaving right now?
173
00:07:37,631 --> 00:07:39,459
- I'm a pig
flying international.
174
00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:41,330
You can't be early enough
to the airport.
175
00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:45,334
- What just happened?
- I'm sorry.
176
00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:47,075
You guys knew
I was a dog, right?
177
00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:49,077
- You know, I thought you were
a squirrel the first two weeks.
178
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,426
- Land otter.
- Feather duster.
179
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,341
- Baby rat.
- Injured jackal
180
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:54,517
- David Spade.
- Premature Ewok baby.
181
00:07:54,561 --> 00:07:56,606
- Wow. Just wow.
182
00:07:58,956 --> 00:08:02,351
- It's the battle of the babies.
183
00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:06,442
Let's get weady to wumble!
184
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,575
- Come here,
you little cute little...
185
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:11,534
Come here.
186
00:08:11,578 --> 00:08:14,319
- So Jill did get a new puppy.
187
00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:16,626
From first dog to third wheel.
188
00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:19,673
- Ha, that's a big leap
for such short legs.
189
00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:21,239
No, she belongs
to our neighbors.
190
00:08:23,372 --> 00:08:26,288
- Well, it looks like she and
Chief are enjoying themselves.
191
00:08:26,331 --> 00:08:27,768
Why aren't you joining in?
192
00:08:27,811 --> 00:08:30,292
- Oh, she needs to learn
one-on-one socialization, so...
193
00:08:30,335 --> 00:08:31,467
- So they didn't invite you?
194
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,556
I'm gonna go check on Jill.
195
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,427
- Oh, looks like Jill's
a little busy
196
00:08:35,471 --> 00:08:37,255
with her new playmate.
197
00:08:37,299 --> 00:08:38,692
- A husky?
198
00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:41,433
Okay, that guy is
definitely not our type.
199
00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:43,523
It's probably named
something like Utah
200
00:08:43,566 --> 00:08:45,394
and doesn't have
all its vaccinations.
201
00:08:45,437 --> 00:08:46,961
I'm gonna go save her.
202
00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:50,617
- Elsa, I heard someone say
"Leave it, Jimmy Chonga!"
203
00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:52,923
He's here.
204
00:08:52,967 --> 00:08:55,709
- Oh my god. What do I do?
What do I do?
205
00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:57,537
He is a snack.
206
00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:59,408
- He is a total snack.
207
00:08:59,451 --> 00:09:00,844
- I don't even know what to say.
208
00:09:00,888 --> 00:09:04,718
This may surprise you,
but I don't got game.
209
00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:08,112
- Hey, girl. What's going on?
- I gotta poop.
210
00:09:08,156 --> 00:09:10,027
Real bad.
211
00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:15,598
- I'll be your wingman.
212
00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:17,165
I do this for my dad
all the time,
213
00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:18,427
and one time, it almost worked.
214
00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:20,603
- I like those odds.
215
00:09:23,388 --> 00:09:25,173
- Maybe Elsa is right.
216
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:28,785
I should just join in.
I remember how to play.
217
00:09:28,829 --> 00:09:32,441
Okay, here comes
some spontaneous playfulness.
218
00:09:32,484 --> 00:09:34,748
In three, two, one.
219
00:09:34,791 --> 00:09:36,401
- Ow! My hip!
220
00:09:36,445 --> 00:09:37,664
- His hip!
- Ugh.
221
00:09:37,707 --> 00:09:39,840
You don't just jump
on two babies.
222
00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:41,624
- Sorry. Sorry. My mistake.
223
00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:43,626
I'll just... I'll let you two
do your thing.
224
00:09:43,670 --> 00:09:46,237
Stupid Elsa.
225
00:09:46,281 --> 00:09:47,978
- I play rough!
I have no boundaries!
226
00:09:48,022 --> 00:09:51,025
My name is Montana,
and here I come!
227
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:52,548
- Great.
Now I'm the fourth wheel.
228
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,593
- Here I come!
- Fifth.
229
00:09:53,636 --> 00:09:54,942
- Oh, hell yeah!
- Sixth.
230
00:09:54,985 --> 00:09:56,073
- Room for one more?
- Seventh.
231
00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:57,248
Oh, come on!
232
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:06,170
- Hey.
- What do you want?
233
00:10:06,214 --> 00:10:09,217
- I know you're upset
because I accidentally implied
234
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:11,262
you were ugly several times.
235
00:10:11,306 --> 00:10:13,177
So I threw
a little something together
236
00:10:13,221 --> 00:10:15,223
to remind you
how pretty you are.
237
00:10:15,266 --> 00:10:16,920
- That's not why...
238
00:10:16,964 --> 00:10:20,489
- Welcome to the first annual
Uglier than Tabitha Parade!
239
00:10:20,532 --> 00:10:23,405
First up: The Hideous One
240
00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:25,886
- I got stuck in the microwave
for a couple of seconds
241
00:10:25,929 --> 00:10:27,627
when they were making popcorn.
242
00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:30,499
And my secret talent is this.
243
00:10:30,542 --> 00:10:32,370
Ta-da!
244
00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:33,763
- Blech, am I right?
245
00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:37,549
Next up, the Horribly
Out of Proportion One.
246
00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:39,290
- My talent is looking normal
247
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:41,989
in the reflection
of this dented toaster oven.
248
00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:43,599
- Next.
249
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,036
- I absorbed all
the other kittens in my litter,
250
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,995
and now they always
have my back.
251
00:10:49,170 --> 00:10:51,215
Hi.
252
00:10:51,259 --> 00:10:54,697
- That'll haunt you
for all nine lives.
253
00:10:54,741 --> 00:10:56,873
Bet you're feeling
a little less ugly now.
254
00:10:56,917 --> 00:10:58,919
- I'm leaving.
255
00:10:58,962 --> 00:11:00,964
It's not your fault.
256
00:11:01,008 --> 00:11:03,750
You guys were disgusting.
Thank you.
257
00:11:03,793 --> 00:11:07,101
And no matter how many hideous
cat parades I put together,
258
00:11:07,144 --> 00:11:09,756
she's still upset
I keep calling her ugly.
259
00:11:09,799 --> 00:11:11,583
- That is not why I am upset.
260
00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:13,673
It is because of hairy arm.
261
00:11:13,716 --> 00:11:16,763
- You've hooked me.
Now reel me in.
262
00:11:16,806 --> 00:11:19,722
- In the lost cat photograph,
I saw Stelios' arm.
263
00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:21,202
I used to fall asleep
264
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:23,683
in that arm every night
after my dinner.
265
00:11:23,726 --> 00:11:26,729
I drifted off in the warm glow
of his laptop
266
00:11:26,773 --> 00:11:30,559
as he cruised farm tables
on First Dibs.
267
00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:32,517
I'm not upset
that you call me ugly.
268
00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:34,345
I know I'm centerfold cat.
269
00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:36,739
I'm upset because
I miss my Stelios.
270
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:38,480
- Well, then,
why don't you go home?
271
00:11:38,523 --> 00:11:40,874
- Then I would miss
living with you.
272
00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,136
I'm staying with The Gray One
273
00:11:42,179 --> 00:11:43,790
and all of his
disgusting friends.
274
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:45,400
- Are you sure?
275
00:11:45,443 --> 00:11:47,794
I mean,
they are truly repugnant.
276
00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:50,274
Sometimes those cats
on her back kiss each other.
277
00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:53,103
- My mind is made up.
- Yay for the Grayitha One!
278
00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:54,714
That's my couple name
for you guys.
279
00:11:54,757 --> 00:11:56,933
- Speaking of couples doomed
to break up,
280
00:11:56,977 --> 00:12:00,197
Xavier is taking Lindsay
back to college with him.
281
00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:01,633
And I wish him luck.
282
00:12:01,677 --> 00:12:04,288
There's not enough lime rickeys
in the world
283
00:12:04,332 --> 00:12:06,769
to quench that thirsty beast.
284
00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:10,033
- Diablo, Jimmy Chonga
totally avoided me
285
00:12:10,077 --> 00:12:11,426
after you left the park.
286
00:12:11,469 --> 00:12:15,822
What. Did. You. Say?
287
00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:18,999
- So she's been lying about you
being her boyfriend.
288
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:21,218
She also told us a funny story
about when you were a puppy
289
00:12:21,262 --> 00:12:22,654
and you got neutered,
the vet said
290
00:12:22,698 --> 00:12:24,308
one of your testicles
hadn't descended,
291
00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:26,180
and she was like,
"If I was his testicle,
292
00:12:26,223 --> 00:12:27,790
I'd stay up in there too."
293
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:29,009
And she'd do this funny voice
294
00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,358
and your testicle would be like,
295
00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:32,186
"I'm not going anywhere
no how!"
296
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,189
- But why?
297
00:12:35,232 --> 00:12:37,104
- Just making conversation.
298
00:12:37,147 --> 00:12:40,803
- I have spent so much time
projecting spectacular
299
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:43,545
yet achievable fantasies
onto this relationship,
300
00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:46,287
and now I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life
301
00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:48,811
with a Jimmy Chonga-sized hole
in my heart.
302
00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:50,682
I'm so alone!
303
00:12:50,726 --> 00:12:53,816
- Elsa, I can relate to what
you're going through right now.
304
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,513
- You can?
- Yes.
305
00:12:55,557 --> 00:12:58,995
Uh, Chief and Little Cookie
have really bonded,
306
00:12:59,039 --> 00:13:00,649
and I'm happy for them,
307
00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:04,827
but it's just left me
feeling a little, um, lonely.
308
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:07,090
- That's how I felt after
I killed Butterscotch.
309
00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:08,831
- Not that it was a competition,
310
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:11,529
but Chief is clearly
Little Cookie's favorite.
311
00:13:11,573 --> 00:13:14,228
- Ouch.
This is helping me feel better.
312
00:13:14,271 --> 00:13:17,057
- Eating Butterscotch's face
helped me feel better.
313
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:19,015
- So, Honey, have you tried
eating the puppy's face?
314
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:20,408
- No, Chico. No.
315
00:13:20,451 --> 00:13:21,888
- Maybe Little Cookie will want
316
00:13:21,931 --> 00:13:23,846
to hang out with you
when she's older.
317
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:26,675
- But why not now?
- A puppy needs to run around,
318
00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:28,590
be a little wild,
make a little mischief
319
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:30,026
while it's still cute, you know?
320
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:32,855
- Are you saying
I'm not as fun as Chief?
321
00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:35,162
- No, but if Max were here,
he would have.
322
00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:36,598
God, I miss him.
323
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:42,517
- I don't have a lot
of experience with pigs.
324
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:43,953
I hear you guys
are smart, though.
325
00:13:43,997 --> 00:13:45,041
Like, smarter than dogs.
326
00:13:45,085 --> 00:13:46,608
- Not smart enough to put
327
00:13:46,651 --> 00:13:48,523
my noise-cancelling headphones
in my carry-on.
328
00:13:48,566 --> 00:13:49,829
Why won't this guy shut up?
329
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:54,616
Why are we stopping here?
Max doesn't shuttle.
330
00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:59,012
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
I need to get to LAX, pronto!
331
00:13:59,055 --> 00:14:00,317
- Are you Max?
332
00:14:00,361 --> 00:14:01,884
- Listen, you got to get
this guy
333
00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:03,581
to take me to the airport.
334
00:14:03,625 --> 00:14:06,149
If I miss my flight,
George will kill me.
335
00:14:06,193 --> 00:14:08,369
- George didn't tell you?
- Tell me what?
336
00:14:08,412 --> 00:14:09,936
- You're not moving to London.
337
00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:11,807
You're moving here,
to Los Feliz,
338
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,635
to live with me and Ray Liotta.
339
00:14:13,678 --> 00:14:15,724
Come on, I'll show you
the bed we all share.
340
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:26,169
- What the hell?
341
00:14:26,213 --> 00:14:27,736
Did you do this?
342
00:14:27,779 --> 00:14:28,955
- What? That?
343
00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:30,913
That is clearly the work
of someone
344
00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:32,567
without opposable thumbs.
345
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:35,918
Chief.
346
00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:38,399
I can't believe
you guys dug up Jill's roses.
347
00:14:38,442 --> 00:14:40,749
Now where is she gonna get
her Friday night bed petals?
348
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:42,011
- Honey, hold on.
349
00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:43,534
We're creating
a secret fart language.
350
00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:50,063
- Okay, Chief, this isn't funny.
351
00:14:50,106 --> 00:14:51,716
- Honey, we were
just playing around.
352
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,110
We just did it for shiggles.
353
00:14:54,154 --> 00:14:56,547
See, this is why
I didn't invite her.
354
00:14:57,635 --> 00:14:59,637
- I am fully capable
355
00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:00,943
of doing things for shiggles.
356
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:04,294
See?
- What?
357
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,124
We can't make out a word
you're farting.
358
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,826
- Hey, Bubbles.
- I'm busy.
359
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:18,308
Pinching off a poop.
360
00:15:18,352 --> 00:15:20,484
It's an L for Loser.
361
00:15:27,578 --> 00:15:29,058
- Hi, sweet girl.
362
00:15:29,102 --> 00:15:32,235
- Oh, Jill, it has been a day.
363
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:36,065
Why is husky guy here?
364
00:15:36,109 --> 00:15:37,849
Okay, where's Montana?
365
00:15:37,893 --> 00:15:40,461
I know you're here,
you blue-eyed anarchist.
366
00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:42,854
And why is he
grooming Jill's face?
367
00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:47,598
- Uh, your dog
is kinda freaking out.
368
00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:49,818
- I don't know
what's gotten into her.
369
00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:51,689
Okay. Come on.
370
00:15:56,999 --> 00:16:00,350
- I can be fun.
I can be bad. I can.
371
00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:02,439
Ah! Ah! Thorns!
372
00:16:02,483 --> 00:16:04,876
Why would anyone
want to do this? Ow.
373
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,618
- Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
374
00:16:07,662 --> 00:16:10,839
- Well, everyone has someone
to play and cuddle with but me.
375
00:16:10,882 --> 00:16:13,233
Do you have any idea
how soft I am?
376
00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:15,409
I'm a walking stuffed animal!
377
00:16:15,452 --> 00:16:17,324
- Wow, you weren't kidding.
378
00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:19,761
- So why am I alone? Why?
379
00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:22,546
Just because I'm obedient
and a rule follower?
380
00:16:22,590 --> 00:16:25,680
Okay, stop petting me.
Your fingers creep me out.
381
00:16:25,723 --> 00:16:28,161
You know, I wanted
to run off with Armando.
382
00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:29,423
- The pig?
- The coyote.
383
00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:30,728
- Oh, right, right, right.
384
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:32,382
- I wanted to throw caution
to the wind,
385
00:16:32,426 --> 00:16:34,732
make mischief, break the rules.
386
00:16:34,776 --> 00:16:36,169
But I didn't.
387
00:16:36,212 --> 00:16:39,085
I didn't
because I'm a good, soft girl.
388
00:16:39,128 --> 00:16:41,000
- I'll say.
- Enough.
389
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:43,306
I should have gone
when I had the chance.
390
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:45,134
- You still have the chance.
391
00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:47,049
- Armando?
392
00:16:47,093 --> 00:16:49,878
- That's right. Drink him in.
393
00:16:49,921 --> 00:16:52,533
- Wait until you see this house.
394
00:16:52,576 --> 00:16:55,101
They've got everything
a cat like you could want.
395
00:16:56,624 --> 00:16:58,321
- This is my old house.
396
00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:02,282
- This is where you belong.
397
00:17:02,325 --> 00:17:04,110
Not with me at that dump.
398
00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:05,328
You deserve to be in a place
399
00:17:05,372 --> 00:17:07,678
where the cats only have
one face.
400
00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:09,071
- I don't know what to say.
401
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:12,248
- I mean,
a thank you would be nice?
402
00:17:12,292 --> 00:17:14,076
- No.
403
00:17:17,427 --> 00:17:21,083
You should go before
they beat you with a broom.
404
00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:22,432
- You're welcome.
405
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:24,434
- Oh, my God.
406
00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:26,828
She's back! My baby's back!
407
00:17:26,871 --> 00:17:28,525
Oh, my God.
408
00:17:28,569 --> 00:17:30,832
She smells like your mother's
foot before they amputated.
409
00:17:33,574 --> 00:17:36,446
- Excuse me, buddy.
410
00:17:36,490 --> 00:17:38,622
- I can fix things
with Jimmy Chonga.
411
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:39,928
Let me go talk to him.
412
00:17:39,971 --> 00:17:42,496
- Do not.
413
00:17:42,539 --> 00:17:45,803
Max? Why aren't you in London?
414
00:17:45,847 --> 00:17:47,631
- I'm Ray Liotta's pig now,
415
00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:50,199
and apparently
we go to the dog park.
416
00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:51,635
- Does this mean
you're coming back to group?
417
00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:53,072
- No, I can't.
418
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:55,639
I said some things
I can't take back.
419
00:17:55,683 --> 00:17:59,165
Nice things, from the heart.
I built a few too many bridges.
420
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:00,644
- So what are you gonna do?
421
00:18:00,688 --> 00:18:03,038
- I guess I'll just hang out
with Liotta
422
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,867
until Cloons comes
crawling back.
423
00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:07,303
- Well, thank God you're here.
424
00:18:07,347 --> 00:18:09,436
Pretend to be my boyfriend
in front of Jimmy Chonga.
425
00:18:09,479 --> 00:18:10,915
- Yeah, I guess
I got a few minutes
426
00:18:10,959 --> 00:18:12,874
while Ray finishes his Cameo.
427
00:18:17,835 --> 00:18:19,402
Another $39.
428
00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:22,188
Let's see. Who's next?
Oh, Veronica got a promotion.
429
00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:24,364
Hey, V, what'd I tell ya?
430
00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:26,322
- Go tell Jimmy Chonga
that my boyfriend Max
431
00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:29,499
is back in town,
and I have moved on.
432
00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:30,761
Go!
433
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:35,723
Look at me lovingly,
tap into your emotions,
434
00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:37,116
and action.
435
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:40,031
Max, I knew
you'd come back for me!
436
00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:42,295
- Of course I came back for you.
437
00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:44,123
I'm not some heartless monster
438
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:45,820
who would just fly off to London
439
00:18:45,863 --> 00:18:48,083
and leave
his best friend behind.
440
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:51,260
- Keep it on me. Keep it on me.
- Oh, that's right.
441
00:18:51,304 --> 00:18:53,175
It's always gotta be about you.
442
00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:55,264
Your career, your family,
443
00:18:55,308 --> 00:18:58,137
your anti-poaching
satellite program.
444
00:18:58,180 --> 00:19:00,965
But you know what, George?
Now it's my time!
445
00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:03,185
So goodbye forever!
- What?
446
00:19:03,229 --> 00:19:05,361
You want me
to meet your parents?
447
00:19:05,405 --> 00:19:07,320
- Okay.
- Oh, thank God.
448
00:19:07,363 --> 00:19:09,191
So what'd he say?
449
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:12,194
- He... he was devastated.
450
00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:15,545
- Yes! Max, no notes.
You were amazing.
451
00:19:15,589 --> 00:19:18,635
- Oh, thanks, Elsa.
You were just okay.
452
00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:19,810
- Come on, kids.
Change of plans.
453
00:19:19,854 --> 00:19:21,029
Uncle Ray just remembered
454
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:22,335
he left a pound of scampi
in the car.
455
00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:23,684
- Scampi?
456
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:25,729
Classier than Clooney,
that's for sure.
457
00:19:25,773 --> 00:19:28,254
- Yeah.
458
00:19:28,297 --> 00:19:30,169
- One pint salted caramel
459
00:19:30,212 --> 00:19:32,083
and something dairy-free
for dad.
460
00:19:32,127 --> 00:19:33,520
Mark is not my dad.
461
00:19:33,563 --> 00:19:34,825
I got it.
462
00:19:34,869 --> 00:19:36,436
- What are you looking at?
463
00:19:36,479 --> 00:19:38,481
- Take the high road, my love.
464
00:19:38,525 --> 00:19:41,615
Soon she'll be
out of our lives forever.
465
00:19:41,658 --> 00:19:44,966
- I just can't help
but feel she's evil, Shel.
466
00:19:45,009 --> 00:19:47,838
- She's harmless.
467
00:19:47,882 --> 00:19:51,059
The next chapter is all about us
468
00:19:51,102 --> 00:19:52,365
- Wait. Crap.
469
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,590
No!
470
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,766
- Ma!
- Salted caramel.
471
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:05,247
Right.
472
00:20:05,291 --> 00:20:06,509
- Shel?
473
00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:12,472
- So what do you say, Honey?
You wanna run away with me?
474
00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:22,873
Let's get out of here.
475
00:20:41,327 --> 00:20:42,806
- Look, I'm happy
to throw you the party,
476
00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:45,635
Nonna, but I can't keep having
this conversation.
477
00:20:45,679 --> 00:20:47,463
You're gonna make me
start smoking again.
478
00:20:47,507 --> 00:20:48,725
- How 'bout a Vegas theme?
479
00:20:48,769 --> 00:20:50,423
- The party already has a theme.
480
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:53,252
It's your birthday.
That's the theme.
481
00:20:53,295 --> 00:20:54,383
- But...
- I know it's your party,
482
00:20:54,427 --> 00:20:56,211
but it's my ass
on the line here, Nonna.
483
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,953
Under the Sea won't cut it!
What is this, a bar mitzvah?
484
00:20:58,996 --> 00:21:00,650
Hey, Nonna.
485
00:21:00,694 --> 00:21:03,174
Okay, Nonna. Don't cry, Nonna.
486
00:21:03,218 --> 00:21:05,351
You want a theme?
I'll give you a theme.
487
00:21:05,394 --> 00:21:06,439
- Tell me! Tell me!
488
00:21:15,883 --> 00:21:20,235
- Dust off your coconut bra.
We're having a luau.
489
00:21:27,982 --> 00:21:28,896
- That's nice, Jen and Gabby.
33789
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