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1
00:00:01,044 --> 00:00:03,394
♪
2
00:00:03,394 --> 00:00:04,613
[door opens]
3
00:00:04,613 --> 00:00:07,311
You guys were right.
I read the ad wrong.
4
00:00:07,311 --> 00:00:09,574
It wasn't for a candy striper.
5
00:00:09,574 --> 00:00:11,620
it was for a candy stripper.
6
00:00:11,620 --> 00:00:13,230
What is that, a joke?!
7
00:00:13,230 --> 00:00:15,667
Check it out.
Snot forgot his vest.
8
00:00:15,667 --> 00:00:16,973
[chuckles]
9
00:00:16,973 --> 00:00:19,280
I guess we all know
what that means, right?
10
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:21,282
Uh, that's a "no."
11
00:00:21,282 --> 00:00:24,328
Snot secretly takes off his vest
when he dumps out.
12
00:00:24,328 --> 00:00:26,156
Oh, no. He hides that?
13
00:00:26,156 --> 00:00:28,332
Be proud, guy!
14
00:00:28,332 --> 00:00:29,855
It's cool to poo!
15
00:00:29,855 --> 00:00:31,857
[water bubbling]
16
00:00:33,468 --> 00:00:34,773
FRANCINE: Wuz dis?
17
00:00:35,731 --> 00:00:37,950
Hey! This is about us.
18
00:00:37,950 --> 00:00:39,691
It's a list of the family.
19
00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:42,042
We're... ranked!
20
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,217
Ranked?
21
00:00:43,217 --> 00:00:46,481
On what, may I ask,
did Snot rank us?
22
00:00:46,481 --> 00:00:47,873
Hotness.
23
00:00:47,873 --> 00:00:50,354
- [all clamoring]
- STEVE: Oh, my God!
24
00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:52,530
KLAUS: I'm not last!
I'm not last!
25
00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:55,881
I, uh... forgot my vest.
26
00:00:55,881 --> 00:00:57,927
Sit the hell down, Snot.
27
00:00:59,189 --> 00:01:00,886
'Tis the season...
28
00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:02,366
for questions.
29
00:01:02,366 --> 00:01:03,889
Gulp.
30
00:01:03,889 --> 00:01:08,894
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
31
00:01:08,894 --> 00:01:10,374
What is this, Snot?
32
00:01:10,374 --> 00:01:13,377
First off, it isn't
some "weird" ranking
33
00:01:13,377 --> 00:01:15,553
of who I'm personally
attracted to.
34
00:01:15,553 --> 00:01:17,816
It's just a super normal,
35
00:01:17,816 --> 00:01:20,384
"kinda hard to even
be mad about" list
36
00:01:20,384 --> 00:01:23,605
of the objective hotness
of my best friend's family.
37
00:01:23,605 --> 00:01:25,737
Just to be clear,
I'm ranked number one.
38
00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:26,782
Does that mean...?
39
00:01:26,782 --> 00:01:28,305
You're the hottest
in the family.
40
00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:30,264
Your Honor, I have no more
questions for this witness,
41
00:01:30,264 --> 00:01:32,309
except to ask if he wants
to stay for dinner.
42
00:01:32,309 --> 00:01:35,747
[chuckles] I see--
I see I'm seven on here. Heh.
43
00:01:35,747 --> 00:01:37,140
I'm just-- I'm just not sure
44
00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:39,142
I understand
the numbering system.
45
00:01:39,142 --> 00:01:41,623
Please allow me
to explain my conclusions.
46
00:01:41,623 --> 00:01:46,149
Mr. Smith is ranked first
for his natural "talent."
47
00:01:46,149 --> 00:01:48,456
The man has the perfect body--
48
00:01:48,456 --> 00:01:50,458
huge, menacing torso
49
00:01:50,458 --> 00:01:53,113
and legs that are mostly
an afterthought.
50
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,941
But the showstopper is a chin
51
00:01:55,941 --> 00:02:00,468
that makes you realize
that nothing is impossible.
52
00:02:00,468 --> 00:02:02,948
Hayley is ranked second.
53
00:02:02,948 --> 00:02:05,386
She oozes potential.
54
00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:09,129
A deep beauty lies within,
but it's mostly hidden
55
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,435
because she transcends fashion
56
00:02:11,435 --> 00:02:14,569
and dresses
in absolute defiance of it.
57
00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:18,225
Steve came in a strong third.
58
00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:21,576
His silky hair and soft hands
are great,
59
00:02:21,576 --> 00:02:24,318
but it's dat faaaat aaaass
60
00:02:24,318 --> 00:02:25,928
that put him over the top.
61
00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,279
Francine, I worry
about your drinking.
62
00:02:29,279 --> 00:02:32,239
And even though it hasn't
affected your looks yet,
63
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:34,763
it's just so...
64
00:02:34,763 --> 00:02:36,678
tragically... sad.
65
00:02:36,678 --> 00:02:37,940
[belches]
66
00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:39,724
[sighs]
67
00:02:39,724 --> 00:02:42,771
Klaus is a gorgeous shade
of orange.
68
00:02:42,771 --> 00:02:46,905
Gazing upon him is like
watching a tropical sunset.
69
00:02:46,905 --> 00:02:48,168
[water bubbling]
70
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,519
Jeff's feet are the perfect size
for his body.
71
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:52,781
[ding!]
72
00:02:52,781 --> 00:02:55,218
And that concludes my list.
73
00:02:55,218 --> 00:02:56,698
ROGER: What about me?
74
00:02:56,698 --> 00:02:59,266
You've explained everyone's
rankings, but not mine.
75
00:02:59,266 --> 00:03:01,006
[inhales deeply]
76
00:03:01,006 --> 00:03:03,313
I just don't think
it's fair to say
77
00:03:03,313 --> 00:03:05,837
if it's something
you can't change.
78
00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:07,274
[groans]
79
00:03:08,884 --> 00:03:10,015
Announcement.
80
00:03:10,015 --> 00:03:11,495
I'm skipping work for the month,
81
00:03:11,495 --> 00:03:14,324
and this time not just
to play "Animal Crossing."
82
00:03:14,324 --> 00:03:16,805
I'm going to finally
start my magazine!
83
00:03:16,805 --> 00:03:19,068
Stan Magazine is happening?!
84
00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:21,026
Yep!
For the first time ever,
85
00:03:21,026 --> 00:03:23,899
there will be a magazine...
for men!
86
00:03:23,899 --> 00:03:26,815
Is this all because my friend
thought you were attractive?
87
00:03:26,815 --> 00:03:28,556
He's my friend, too, Steve.
88
00:03:28,556 --> 00:03:31,341
Dad, there are already tons
of men's magazines out there.
89
00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:33,474
Stan Magazine
will be different.
90
00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:36,520
Stan Magazine will have reviews
of wrist watches.
91
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,697
And a sex advice column
from-- get this--
92
00:03:39,697 --> 00:03:41,743
a woman wearing glasses!
93
00:03:41,743 --> 00:03:44,572
So there's irony at play
in this magazine.
94
00:03:44,572 --> 00:03:46,095
Sorry I'm late for breakfast.
95
00:03:46,095 --> 00:03:47,705
I didn't get too much sleep
last night,
96
00:03:47,705 --> 00:03:49,054
and I'm not feeling too hot.
97
00:03:49,054 --> 00:03:50,317
I bet you aren't.
98
00:03:50,317 --> 00:03:52,057
[stifled laughter]
99
00:03:52,057 --> 00:03:53,929
I'm going to the zoo!
100
00:03:55,626 --> 00:03:58,063
Dude, one of the gross hippos
escaped!
101
00:03:58,063 --> 00:03:59,717
Oh, no, has a hippo gotten out?
102
00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:02,285
Oh, no,
they're talking about me.
103
00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:03,808
That's no hippo!
104
00:04:03,808 --> 00:04:06,289
It's a disgusting squid
trying to sneak out of the zoo
105
00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:07,769
in people clothes!
106
00:04:07,769 --> 00:04:11,251
My confidence is so low,
I don't even look human anymore.
107
00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:15,472
Whoa. The zoo got a monster.
108
00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:17,996
♪
109
00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:21,783
Well, I've been to every bank
in the tri-city metro area,
110
00:04:21,783 --> 00:04:24,960
and no one has the balls to
loan me money for my magazine!
111
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:28,311
Goddamn banks!
All they care about is money!
112
00:04:28,311 --> 00:04:29,791
How ya doing, Barry?
113
00:04:29,791 --> 00:04:31,401
I'm so sorry for your loss.
114
00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:33,229
I really miss Nana.
115
00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:35,231
Now all I have
to remember her by
116
00:04:35,231 --> 00:04:37,494
is the large inheritance
she left me!
117
00:04:38,495 --> 00:04:41,498
Barry, my good man!
Have a seat.
118
00:04:42,978 --> 00:04:46,416
Francine, we have a guest.
Bring this lard-ass some ribs.
119
00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:47,678
I don't know if you've heard,
120
00:04:47,678 --> 00:04:50,072
but I've got a lot of heat on me
right now.
121
00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:53,075
Oh, I heard
about Snot's rankings.
122
00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:54,555
Congratulations.
123
00:04:54,555 --> 00:04:56,600
I have an investment opportunity
for you.
124
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,951
Stan Magazine.
A magazine for men.
125
00:04:59,951 --> 00:05:02,432
It's luxury but also rugged.
126
00:05:02,432 --> 00:05:05,566
It's political, but only
for office politics.
127
00:05:05,566 --> 00:05:07,132
Dad, can you please not--
128
00:05:07,132 --> 00:05:08,830
Francine, silence the boy!
129
00:05:09,657 --> 00:05:11,006
STEVE: Aah!
130
00:05:11,006 --> 00:05:13,965
Do you know anything
about launching a magazine?
131
00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:17,142
That's a great question.
I've got some better ones.
132
00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:19,710
What's Jeremy Renner's
favorite cigar shop?
133
00:05:19,710 --> 00:05:22,234
Where does Gerard Butler
like to scuba dive?
134
00:05:22,234 --> 00:05:23,627
Those are the big questions
135
00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:25,977
Stan Magazine
will attempt to answer.
136
00:05:25,977 --> 00:05:27,283
I'll give you $600.
137
00:05:27,283 --> 00:05:28,545
Great!
138
00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:31,418
Barry, I'm so sorry
about your grandmother,
139
00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:33,289
that she won't be here
to see you become
140
00:05:33,289 --> 00:05:35,552
a magazine millionaire.
141
00:05:35,552 --> 00:05:38,903
Who cares what Snot, the family,
a couple of zoo workers,
142
00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:40,992
and an entire Starbucks
think of you?
143
00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:43,081
The barista asked me
to leave the store,
144
00:05:43,081 --> 00:05:45,649
and then I could hear
everyone cheer when I left.
145
00:05:45,649 --> 00:05:48,478
Klaus, this is
the least confident and sexy
146
00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:49,610
I've ever felt.
147
00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:51,133
[doorbell rings]
148
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:53,614
Oh, no! It's the Wednesday
before Christmas, isn't it?
149
00:05:53,614 --> 00:05:56,312
Tonight's my legendary
Christmas sex party!
150
00:05:56,312 --> 00:05:59,359
ALL: Sex! Sex!
Sex! Sex! Sex!
151
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,186
What a disaster!
152
00:06:01,186 --> 00:06:02,710
With your confidence so low
153
00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:05,365
and my Bangtivity scene
not finished yet.
154
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,671
I still have to glue on
Joseph's mammoth hog
155
00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:10,370
and arrange
the Three Wise Men circle jerk.
156
00:06:10,587 --> 00:06:13,068
[dance music thumping]
157
00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:15,157
♪
158
00:06:15,157 --> 00:06:16,550
Upstairs.
159
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,381
So, Rog, when are you
gonna get in on the action?
160
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,556
Not sure.
161
00:06:22,556 --> 00:06:24,209
Got my hands full
with these refreshments,
162
00:06:24,209 --> 00:06:25,863
and after that,
I feel like it's time
163
00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:28,866
I build that Lego Death Star
I got six years ago.
164
00:06:28,866 --> 00:06:31,391
Roger, you're being silly.
You're sexy as hell.
165
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:34,655
This is your party!
Get in there, Santa!
166
00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:36,874
♪
167
00:06:36,874 --> 00:06:38,180
Do I look good?
168
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:41,052
You're giving me
a full-on Yule log, bro.
169
00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:43,228
[inhales sharply, groans]
170
00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:45,100
[woman moaning softly]
171
00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:46,580
ROGER: Uhp. Coming through.
'Scuse me.
172
00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:47,929
Hey, how's it going over here?
173
00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:50,453
WOMAN: [screams]
There's a hippo in here!
174
00:06:50,453 --> 00:06:54,109
MAN: [grunting softly] Uh,
that's clearly, uh, a squid.
175
00:06:54,109 --> 00:06:55,763
ROGER: Okay, that hurts.
176
00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:59,201
Heyo! How's the futon crew
doing? Room for a fifth?
177
00:06:59,201 --> 00:07:01,551
- TUTTLE: No!
- MRS. LONSTEIN: Oh, God!
178
00:07:01,551 --> 00:07:03,553
whatever you're doing,
can you not do it near me?
179
00:07:03,553 --> 00:07:05,163
ROGER: Sorry, sorry.
180
00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:08,428
Everyone is just so obsessed
with sex at this orgy!
181
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,169
What ever happened to a little
something called conversation?
182
00:07:11,169 --> 00:07:13,302
Huh? Sorry. I wasn't listening.
183
00:07:13,302 --> 00:07:16,523
Tuttle is really getting into
the Christmas spirit--
184
00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:19,526
giving and receiving.
185
00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:20,831
[hands clap twice]
186
00:07:20,831 --> 00:07:22,877
[guests groan]
187
00:07:22,877 --> 00:07:25,401
I thought we could take a break
from all that humping
188
00:07:25,401 --> 00:07:27,534
to share a nice Christmas goose.
189
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:29,100
Do we have to?
190
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:31,015
Yes.
We're going to eat, chat,
191
00:07:31,015 --> 00:07:33,757
and enjoy each other's
sexiest body part...
192
00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,542
- You mean the ball sac?
- The taint?
193
00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:37,544
Is he talking about the anus?
194
00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:38,719
ROGER: The brain!
195
00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:40,155
Have you read "Dune"?
196
00:07:40,155 --> 00:07:41,765
I keep trying to get into it,
but I don't know.
197
00:07:41,765 --> 00:07:43,158
Maybe I'm just not a "Dune" guy.
198
00:07:43,158 --> 00:07:44,420
[hands clap twice]
199
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:46,683
ROGER: Hey! I run the clapper
around here!
200
00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:48,119
[hands clap twice]
201
00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:51,253
Okay. Very funny, everybody.
Where'd the goose go?
202
00:07:51,253 --> 00:07:52,820
I'm gonna turn off
the light again,
203
00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:55,083
and, whoever took the goose,
just put it back.
204
00:07:55,083 --> 00:07:57,128
No questions asked.
205
00:07:57,738 --> 00:08:00,088
- [hands clap twice]
- Thank you.
206
00:08:00,088 --> 00:08:02,612
Oh, no!
Did someone [bleep] this goose?!
207
00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:04,048
Who [bleep] this goose?!
208
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,966
♪
209
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:10,664
'Sup, homies!
210
00:08:10,664 --> 00:08:13,405
Dad, what are you doing here?
And what happened to your face?
211
00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:16,539
You think it's easy to stay
on top of Snot's rankings?
212
00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:18,541
I had all the fat
from my feet and calves
213
00:08:18,541 --> 00:08:20,238
put into my cheeks and lips.
214
00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:22,110
Hi, Snot.
Always good to see you.
215
00:08:22,110 --> 00:08:24,112
Now, Barry, I wanted to chat
216
00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:27,158
about continuing your investment
in Stan Magazine.
217
00:08:27,158 --> 00:08:29,552
Don't forget your grandmother's
dying words--
218
00:08:29,552 --> 00:08:31,554
"Support print journalism."
219
00:08:31,554 --> 00:08:34,035
Her dying words were,
"Find my killer."
220
00:08:34,862 --> 00:08:36,951
Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Smith,
221
00:08:36,951 --> 00:08:39,736
but this all seems like
a giant vanity project.
222
00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:41,608
You think I'm gonna take
artistic advice
223
00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:42,783
from my money guy?
224
00:08:42,783 --> 00:08:45,437
No way.
You suits are all the same.
225
00:08:45,437 --> 00:08:47,527
You're the one wearing a suit!
226
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,616
I'm not giving you
any more money.
227
00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:51,574
Very well. You are dead to me.
228
00:08:51,574 --> 00:08:52,836
I'm gonna go finish my lunch
229
00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:55,056
with the sexy
religious students.
230
00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:57,972
You know, I always thought
that cleaning up
231
00:08:57,972 --> 00:09:01,671
after an orgy would be gross,
and I was right.
232
00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:04,108
Klaus, I can't live like this anymore.
233
00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:06,676
Sex makes everything
so much worse.
234
00:09:06,676 --> 00:09:09,679
So I've decided to swear off sex
from now on.
235
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,376
I'm giving it up forever!
236
00:09:11,376 --> 00:09:14,423
I'm with you!
I'm sick of sex, too!
237
00:09:14,423 --> 00:09:16,556
I don't want
to get railed, nailed,
238
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:19,602
Eiffel Towered, pretzel dipped, corkscrewed,
239
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:23,693
flat-ironed, wheel-barrowed,
or sporked ever again.
240
00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:26,870
I'm done, done, done with sex!
241
00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:28,568
- Sporked?
- Sex, who needs it?
242
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,004
Not me!
243
00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:32,484
My whole downstairs is
basically destroyed anyways!
244
00:09:32,484 --> 00:09:34,574
[both laugh]
245
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,706
I like your vibe, strange woman.
246
00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:39,143
Roger, professional uncle,
hater of sex.
247
00:09:39,143 --> 00:09:40,449
Elizabeth.
248
00:09:40,449 --> 00:09:41,711
You know, if we're both
249
00:09:41,711 --> 00:09:44,235
really serious
about not having sex,
250
00:09:44,235 --> 00:09:46,977
there's something we can do.
251
00:09:46,977 --> 00:09:49,327
BOTH: We got married!
252
00:09:49,327 --> 00:09:51,678
♪ Bum bum bummmm♪
253
00:09:51,808 --> 00:09:54,289
♪
254
00:09:54,289 --> 00:09:55,638
[ticking]
255
00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:58,032
[alarm rings]
256
00:09:58,032 --> 00:10:00,382
- Good morning.
- Good morning to you, sir!
257
00:10:00,382 --> 00:10:01,731
BOTH: Companionship!
258
00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:03,211
KLAUS: Companionship!
259
00:10:03,211 --> 00:10:05,517
Don't forget
I'm part of this, too.
260
00:10:06,475 --> 00:10:09,086
It's so nice not worrying
about sex anymore.
261
00:10:09,086 --> 00:10:11,306
I can focus on
the important things in life,
262
00:10:11,306 --> 00:10:13,090
like this flavorless oatmeal.
263
00:10:13,090 --> 00:10:16,746
[muffled] And I can wear
my night guard all day long!
264
00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:18,661
Ugh! Mmm!
265
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:20,620
This homemade
apple cider vinegar
266
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,448
is so much more sour
than store-bought.
267
00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:24,624
[birds chirping]
268
00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:30,760
[birds giggling]
269
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:34,634
The birds are quite promiscuous
up here in the mountains.
270
00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:39,247
Woodworking.
A true, lasting pleasure.
271
00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:40,683
I can do this all night.
272
00:10:40,683 --> 00:10:42,467
[yawns]
But it's been a long day.
273
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:43,947
I think it's time
to hit the hay.
274
00:10:43,947 --> 00:10:47,081
Honey, it's 7:15 in the morning.
275
00:10:47,081 --> 00:10:48,517
Oh.
276
00:10:48,517 --> 00:10:49,649
Huh.
277
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:52,129
♪
278
00:10:52,129 --> 00:10:54,262
- [footsteps approach]
- Shhh. He's coming.
279
00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:58,701
Why is dad dressed
like a villainous emperor
280
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,007
from a sci-fi movie?
281
00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:01,965
[snake hisses]
282
00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:03,706
Thank you, Xerxes.
283
00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:06,709
The venom of this little snake
reactivates my calf fat.
284
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:08,276
It's what we in
the magazine business call
285
00:11:08,276 --> 00:11:09,799
a "compound plumpening."
286
00:11:09,799 --> 00:11:11,322
I have great news!
287
00:11:11,322 --> 00:11:12,802
After a brief bankruptcy,
288
00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:15,587
Stan Magazine will continue
to move forward
289
00:11:15,587 --> 00:11:18,068
thanks to our angel investor--
Toshi.
290
00:11:18,068 --> 00:11:19,374
[applause]
291
00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:20,723
Don't you have friends
of your own?
292
00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:21,898
Not really, no.
293
00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:23,770
Okay, let's get an update
from my writers.
294
00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:25,772
Chuck Klosterman,
how's that hit piece
295
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:27,730
on that cheap-ass loser Barry?
296
00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:30,167
It's a brutal takedown
as requested--
297
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:31,429
All right.
That's enough, chatterbox.
298
00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:32,735
I pay you to type, not to talk.
299
00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:35,477
[slurring]
Stan, how many more tequilas
300
00:11:35,477 --> 00:11:37,131
do you want me to taste test?
301
00:11:37,131 --> 00:11:40,090
Um, I-I asked you
to write about lacrosse.
302
00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:41,483
[bottle clanks]
303
00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:42,919
Finally, Malcolm Gladwell,
304
00:11:42,919 --> 00:11:45,052
how are those
wrist-watch reviews coming?
305
00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:46,967
Stan, I-I tried to explain.
306
00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:49,621
My writings deal with
the unexpected implications
307
00:11:49,621 --> 00:11:52,973
of human behavior
in the social sciences.
308
00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:54,714
Well, now you review
wrist watches.
309
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,367
And remember,
it's a men's magazine,
310
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:58,500
so the highest rating
is five boners.
311
00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:00,197
[snake hisses]
312
00:12:00,197 --> 00:12:02,199
You heard the snake.
Back to work!
313
00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:04,462
[piano music playing softly]
314
00:12:04,462 --> 00:12:06,726
Companionship!
315
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,379
Companionship.
316
00:12:08,379 --> 00:12:10,773
♪
317
00:12:10,773 --> 00:12:12,122
This is the life.
318
00:12:12,122 --> 00:12:14,646
As little sex
and as much apple cider vinegar
319
00:12:14,646 --> 00:12:15,822
as we want!
320
00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:18,520
♪
321
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,391
Was kinda hoping
that would kill me.
322
00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:24,874
♪
323
00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:27,398
Mmm. Burnt-ass bread.
324
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:28,965
Who needs sex?
325
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:30,880
Not me and my burnt-ass bread.
326
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,316
We're doing great.
327
00:12:32,316 --> 00:12:35,363
♪
328
00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:37,974
Hi. Time Warner? Yes,
I'd like to lodge a complaint.
329
00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:40,237
Dr. Phil is wearing
a tan suit today
330
00:12:40,237 --> 00:12:42,587
and he looks like
a giant fat penis!
331
00:12:42,587 --> 00:12:45,765
♪
332
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,201
There. Done.
333
00:12:47,201 --> 00:12:49,725
♪
334
00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:51,422
We've been here for a while.
335
00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:53,729
I learned to play the piano!
336
00:12:53,729 --> 00:12:54,904
♪
337
00:12:54,904 --> 00:12:56,776
[dance music thumping]
338
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,603
ROGER:
What is that awful noise?
339
00:12:58,603 --> 00:12:59,648
I don't like it!
340
00:12:59,648 --> 00:13:02,085
Elizabeth! Can you hear this?
341
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:03,913
[birds giggle]
342
00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:05,349
[dance music playing]
343
00:13:05,349 --> 00:13:08,962
"Uncle Tuttle's
Ballsackular Bang Bash"?
344
00:13:08,962 --> 00:13:10,702
[gasps] Elizabeth!
345
00:13:10,702 --> 00:13:12,617
My Christmas sex party
has been stolen
346
00:13:12,617 --> 00:13:14,445
by that pervert Al Tuttle!
347
00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:16,970
Elizabeth! The party
seems bigger than ever!
348
00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:19,450
There's a line
around the block to get in!
349
00:13:19,450 --> 00:13:20,800
Oh, man, Elizabeth!
350
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,845
You're not gonna believe this,
but-- ha ha!--
351
00:13:22,845 --> 00:13:25,935
there's a woman there that's
bitin' your humdrum style.
352
00:13:25,935 --> 00:13:28,329
What a joke!
She can't pull it off at all!
353
00:13:28,329 --> 00:13:30,287
She even has
your same back tattoo
354
00:13:30,287 --> 00:13:32,202
that means "betrayal"
in Chinese.
355
00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:34,030
Elizabeth, you gotta see this!
356
00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:35,075
Elizabeth?
357
00:13:36,511 --> 00:13:38,034
Wait a minute!
358
00:13:38,034 --> 00:13:41,037
I've been whatever is Chinese
for betrayed!
359
00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:42,952
- Aah!
- [thunder crashes]
360
00:13:42,952 --> 00:13:44,824
What is all the commotion?
361
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:45,868
[Roger screaming]
362
00:13:45,868 --> 00:13:48,653
Roger!
What is happening to you?!
363
00:13:48,653 --> 00:13:50,568
ROGER: I don't know!
I think this is what happens
364
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:52,396
when my species
has been betrayed!
365
00:13:52,396 --> 00:13:53,963
Or maybe this is what happens
to my species
366
00:13:53,963 --> 00:13:56,009
if they go a year without sex.
367
00:13:56,009 --> 00:13:58,185
How do you not know?!
368
00:13:58,185 --> 00:13:59,839
ROGER:
I flunked out of school, Klaus.
369
00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:01,841
[suspenseful chord strikes]
370
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,494
Whoa, Roger.
371
00:14:03,494 --> 00:14:05,714
ROGER:
I am not Roger anymore.
372
00:14:05,714 --> 00:14:07,847
Call me The Grounch.
373
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,371
The Grounch Who Stole Sex-mas.
374
00:14:10,371 --> 00:14:13,200
[thunder crashes]
375
00:14:13,330 --> 00:14:15,637
♪ Gonna have sex,
gonna have sex♪
376
00:14:15,637 --> 00:14:17,857
♪ Gonna have sex today♪
377
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,989
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride♪
378
00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:23,340
♪ On a random stranger's face,
yay!♪
379
00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:26,169
KLAUS: Now that the Grounch
had been betrayed,
380
00:14:26,169 --> 00:14:28,693
he couldn't stand
anyone getting laid.
381
00:14:28,693 --> 00:14:32,349
And every party-goer
liked sex a lot.
382
00:14:32,349 --> 00:14:33,829
But the Grounch...
383
00:14:33,829 --> 00:14:35,657
he did not.
384
00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:37,833
The Grounch hates sex
385
00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:40,357
and the people who have it
one and all.
386
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:42,664
Most think because his boner
387
00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:45,493
was two sizes too small.
388
00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:46,798
[growls]
389
00:14:46,798 --> 00:14:48,365
The Grounch couldn't stand
390
00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:50,193
to see all these people,
391
00:14:50,193 --> 00:14:52,369
every one of them so horny.
392
00:14:52,369 --> 00:14:54,197
He said to the heavens...
393
00:14:54,197 --> 00:14:56,939
I must find a way
to stop this orgy!
394
00:14:56,939 --> 00:14:58,593
Right in that moment,
395
00:14:58,593 --> 00:15:01,378
the Grounch got an idea.
396
00:15:01,378 --> 00:15:04,251
A ghastly, gruesome...
397
00:15:04,251 --> 00:15:06,906
Grounch-y idea.
398
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:10,474
I know exactly what
all these pervs need to get off.
399
00:15:10,474 --> 00:15:13,738
Tonight I will steal
all their sexy things--
400
00:15:13,738 --> 00:15:16,219
the Spank-A-Roos,
the Bungle-Fondlers,
401
00:15:16,219 --> 00:15:17,394
and the Strap-On-Dill-Dolls.
402
00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:19,135
I will ruin their big party
403
00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:21,572
and give everyone blue balls.
404
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:23,661
KLAUS:
His mission clear,
405
00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:25,968
the Grounch
yelled down the hill...
406
00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:29,145
[echoing] If I can't have sex,
then no one will!
407
00:15:29,145 --> 00:15:30,755
[engine revs]
408
00:15:30,755 --> 00:15:35,673
♪ You're a green one,
Monsieur Grounch♪
409
00:15:35,673 --> 00:15:40,069
♪ You have no sex appeal♪
410
00:15:40,069 --> 00:15:42,071
♪ You look like a furry booger♪
411
00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:44,247
♪ You're charming
as a dead seal♪
412
00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:47,120
♪ Monsieur Grounch♪
413
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,078
♪ You smell like
three-day-old gym shorts♪
414
00:15:49,078 --> 00:15:51,080
♪ Worn by an incontinent♪
415
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,516
♪ Shaquille O'Neal♪
416
00:15:52,516 --> 00:15:55,911
♪
417
00:15:55,911 --> 00:16:00,394
♪ You're an original character,
Monsieur Grounch♪
418
00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:02,657
♪ That's an undeniable fact♪
419
00:16:02,657 --> 00:16:07,357
♪ But if this does remind you
of some other creature♪
420
00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:09,838
♪ Don't overreact♪
421
00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:15,148
♪ The Supreme Court ruled that
a parody may claim fair use♪
422
00:16:15,148 --> 00:16:18,412
♪ Under Section 107♪
423
00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:20,892
♪ Of the Copyright Act♪
424
00:16:20,892 --> 00:16:23,156
MAN: Where's
my Pee-Pee-Pump-O-Max?!
425
00:16:23,156 --> 00:16:24,940
SUZE: And I'm looking
for my Hoo-Hoo-Wax!
426
00:16:24,940 --> 00:16:26,159
BULLOCK:
I can't possibly get down
427
00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:28,770
without my
Rooty-Tooty-Booty-Snacks!
428
00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:31,120
TUTTLE: Hey!
Where's my Dingle-Dongle?
429
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:34,210
MRS. LONSTEIN: And I can't have
sex without my Vibra-Shlongle!
430
00:16:34,210 --> 00:16:37,474
DR. KALGARY: Has anyone seen
my Anal-Tongle?!
431
00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:44,046
♪ You're a piece of shit,
Monsieur Grounch♪
432
00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:48,050
♪ You stink like
a Muppet's fart♪
433
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:51,053
♪ You're a real bad apple♪
434
00:16:51,053 --> 00:16:55,275
♪ You're worse than Paul Blart
the mall cop♪
435
00:16:55,275 --> 00:16:57,451
♪ You're the worst thing
to happen♪
436
00:16:57,451 --> 00:17:00,236
♪ To the local community♪
437
00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:03,718
♪ Since Walmart!♪
438
00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:06,764
[engine revs]
439
00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:13,336
♪
440
00:17:13,336 --> 00:17:16,122
Tuck in that shirt. This isn't
fajita night at Applebee's.
441
00:17:16,122 --> 00:17:18,124
This is fajita night
catered by Applebee's
442
00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:20,691
for Stan Magazine's
launch party.
443
00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:22,693
♪
444
00:17:22,693 --> 00:17:24,521
All right. It's 8:00.
445
00:17:24,521 --> 00:17:27,350
Time to open the doors
and let the riff-raff in.
446
00:17:27,350 --> 00:17:29,700
[doors creak]
447
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:31,006
Where's my riff-raff?
448
00:17:31,006 --> 00:17:34,575
Dad, I tried to tell you
that no one had RSVP'd,
449
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,142
but you just kept accusing me
450
00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:38,144
of not considering fashion
an art form.
451
00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:40,668
Fashion is an art form, Hayley!
452
00:17:40,668 --> 00:17:41,886
Wait. No one's coming?
453
00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:45,194
[laughter]
454
00:17:45,194 --> 00:17:46,587
Put that back on the pedestal!
455
00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:49,677
[laughs] What's with
the Pikachus on every page?
456
00:17:49,677 --> 00:17:51,244
What?
You think it's too much like
457
00:17:51,244 --> 00:17:52,941
all the other men's magazines?
458
00:17:52,941 --> 00:17:55,378
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
like you, Steve!
459
00:17:55,378 --> 00:17:57,424
[sobbing]
460
00:17:57,424 --> 00:17:59,948
[wind whistling]
461
00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:02,342
Noooooo!
462
00:18:02,342 --> 00:18:06,824
Why must the beautiful
suffer so?!
463
00:18:06,824 --> 00:18:10,480
KLAUS: The Grounch was happy,
his mission complete,
464
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:14,745
till he heard the sound
of sucking on feet.
465
00:18:14,745 --> 00:18:17,444
ROGER: I don't understand.
How could this be?
466
00:18:17,444 --> 00:18:20,273
They're still having
the sex party?
467
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:22,840
KLAUS: And then
he made a realization
468
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,234
that made his face flush.
469
00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:28,411
The spirit of sex
is too hard to crush.
470
00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:31,501
The Grounch realized
that a sex party
471
00:18:31,501 --> 00:18:36,115
isn't about toys, lingerie,
or lube with spermicide.
472
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,900
It's about feeling sexy inside.
473
00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:41,990
But that's exactly
what the Grounch didn't feel.
474
00:18:41,990 --> 00:18:45,167
I guess before bed
I'll have a sad bowl of oatmeal.
475
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:48,997
And that might have been
the end of our pathetic tale,
476
00:18:48,997 --> 00:18:50,912
if the Grounch hadn't noticed
477
00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:52,783
that he was standing
on a scale.
478
00:18:52,783 --> 00:18:55,351
Holy shit! I've lost two pounds!
479
00:18:55,351 --> 00:18:58,137
It must be all that oatmeal
I've been eating.
480
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,965
Dang, I look skinny as hell.
481
00:19:00,965 --> 00:19:02,576
Ho ho...
482
00:19:02,576 --> 00:19:05,231
ho.
483
00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:09,365
That was the moment
that everything changed.
484
00:19:09,365 --> 00:19:13,413
Suddenly the Grounch
didn't feel like such a grump.
485
00:19:13,413 --> 00:19:18,069
The Grounch was feeling sexy,
and he wanted to hump.
486
00:19:23,945 --> 00:19:25,120
ROGER: Ow!
487
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,817
[party music playing]
488
00:19:26,817 --> 00:19:30,125
♪
489
00:19:30,125 --> 00:19:32,214
I want to apologize
to all of you.
490
00:19:32,214 --> 00:19:34,216
I'm sorry I tried
to ruin your night.
491
00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:36,914
Not good enough.
We're mad at you!
492
00:19:36,914 --> 00:19:39,743
You know, you stole
Hideki's heartburn medication.
493
00:19:39,743 --> 00:19:41,092
Not cool.
494
00:19:41,092 --> 00:19:43,007
Well, if words
can't convince you,
495
00:19:43,007 --> 00:19:45,880
maybe this will
change your mind.
496
00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:50,406
[grunting softly]
497
00:19:51,538 --> 00:19:53,322
Mmm. Let us talk it over.
498
00:19:53,322 --> 00:19:57,587
♪
499
00:19:57,587 --> 00:20:00,503
We've decided we want
to have sex with you.
500
00:20:00,503 --> 00:20:02,201
Elizabeth.
501
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,159
I want you first.
502
00:20:04,159 --> 00:20:05,639
Please come in.
503
00:20:05,639 --> 00:20:08,207
There's snacks in the kitchen,
a shower in the back,
504
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,209
and no finishing on my iguana.
505
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,601
♪
506
00:20:11,601 --> 00:20:13,255
[chatter and laughter]
507
00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:15,039
♪
508
00:20:18,173 --> 00:20:20,915
Huh. I guess I screwed off
all my green fur.
509
00:20:20,915 --> 00:20:23,918
Well, I did it, Klaus.
I shtupped the whole town.
510
00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:25,920
Congratulations, Roger.
511
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,530
Glad you got your mojo back.
512
00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:29,184
Yeah, me too.
513
00:20:29,184 --> 00:20:31,752
I just don't understand what
lesson I was supposed to learn.
514
00:20:31,752 --> 00:20:33,884
JEANS:
Don't you remember?
515
00:20:33,884 --> 00:20:36,322
Confidence is sexy!
516
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:37,932
Oh, hi, Jeans!
517
00:20:37,932 --> 00:20:39,586
So this was all
about confidence.
518
00:20:39,586 --> 00:20:41,544
JEANS: Obviously.
519
00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:43,459
Goodbye, Roger.
520
00:20:43,459 --> 00:20:48,290
I must now return to where
I live, behind the moon.
521
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:51,250
Merry Christmas!
522
00:20:52,903 --> 00:20:56,385
STAN: And happy New Year!
523
00:20:56,385 --> 00:20:57,865
Buh-bye! See you soon!
524
00:20:57,915 --> 00:21:02,465
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