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1
00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:06,238
I just got a $20 tip on a $10 check.
2
00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:08,173
I may be the greatest waitress ever,
3
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,977
and strangely,
that doesn't make me want to die.
4
00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:15,681
You're finally getting the hang
of a job you've had for years.
5
00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:18,951
Is your last name Obama?
6
00:00:18,953 --> 00:00:21,820
Another big tip.
7
00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:24,023
I think it's my smile.
8
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:31,764
Well, something's smiling.
9
00:00:32,767 --> 00:00:34,299
Pickup. Patty melt.
10
00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:37,636
Correction: panty melt.
11
00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:39,738
- Caroline, you have...
- What, Max?
12
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:40,906
Pride in a job well done?
13
00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:43,542
Yes, some of us can still feel pride.
14
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:47,312
Yeah,
but only for about another ten seconds.
15
00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:49,615
Caroline.
16
00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:50,616
Ooh!
17
00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:52,351
Oh...oh, no.
18
00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:53,752
Oh, no.
19
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:58,357
This reminds me of when I
saw my mother's side boob.
20
00:00:58,359 --> 00:01:00,592
Max, you have to say something.
21
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:01,927
Um, Caroline?
22
00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:03,162
Hey, look!
23
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:04,430
I just got a $10 tip from this guy,
24
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:07,666
and I spilled coffee on his face.
25
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:08,967
Screw it.
26
00:01:08,969 --> 00:01:12,404
I'm taking the ass train to Money Town.
27
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,640
Oh, nope. Not wearing underwear.
28
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:33,092
I know it's technically
good to have a big order,
29
00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:34,827
but I am five cupcakes away
30
00:01:34,829 --> 00:01:38,430
from what professional
doctors call T.Rex arm.
31
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:41,400
Like you always tell me...
use your other hand.
32
00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:44,136
It'll feel like a stranger.
33
00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:46,872
And how about our new business labels
34
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:51,610
and my ability to be excited
about literally anything?
35
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,512
I got them with the
money you were saving
36
00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:56,014
for that Porky Pig bong.
37
00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:58,484
But when it's down to just resin,
38
00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:00,919
it says, "That's all, folks."
39
00:02:00,921 --> 00:02:03,655
I'll pay you back as
soon as we get the money
40
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:06,158
for this big order for...L?
41
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,861
Max,
someone named L ordered these cupcakes?
42
00:02:08,863 --> 00:02:10,996
Oh, that's not an L; that's an I.
43
00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:14,433
Sorry, I learned printing
mostly from ransom notes.
44
00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:15,934
I?
45
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:19,638
I mean, what kind of person
would just be named I?
46
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,707
This kind.
47
00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:23,976
Hello. That's my order.
48
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:29,248
Yes, they're just about ready,
mis...ter...
49
00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:31,550
I'll spare you the stress and confusion,
dear,
50
00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:33,685
because I can tell by
the size of your pores,
51
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:37,489
you're a sweater.
52
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,758
She is.
53
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,026
Sometimes she gets so nervous
54
00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:42,761
watching "America's Next Top Model,"
55
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:45,664
our couch is slick for days.
56
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:50,102
Spoiler alert: none of them
are America's next top model.
57
00:02:50,104 --> 00:02:53,005
To be clear, I am neither he nor she,
58
00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:56,275
Mr. nor Mrs., male nor female,
59
00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:58,210
and the only part of
me that's transitioning
60
00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:01,346
are my heels from day to evening.
61
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:05,918
I am simply I, and I cannot be labeled.
62
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:08,654
I am gender fluid.
63
00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:10,055
That's cool.
64
00:03:10,057 --> 00:03:14,059
As long as none of it gets on us.
65
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:16,295
Is my order ready,
or do I have to wade through
66
00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:19,431
more of this poor man's Amy and Tina?
67
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:22,968
I like to think of us
more as an Ike and Tina.
68
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,703
I'm just finishing
boxing them up for you.
69
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,972
It's okay for cupcakes to
still be put in a box, right?
70
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:29,841
Just not people.
71
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:32,878
I'm using your cupcakes
in some performance art.
72
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,147
See,
I is a performance artist this month.
73
00:03:35,149 --> 00:03:38,250
Last month,
I was working at the Cold Stone Creamery
74
00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:40,252
on 8th Street.
75
00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:43,989
Well, I've had sex there.
76
00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:46,325
Yes, well, who hasn't?
77
00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:49,161
The audience will bite into
one of your pretty, pink,
78
00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:52,331
femme-looking cupcakes, only to discover
79
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:56,335
that I have inserted a
cocktail weenie inside.
80
00:03:56,337 --> 00:04:00,072
But who wants to be
surprised by a little weenie?
81
00:04:03,978 --> 00:04:05,344
I don't mind it.
82
00:04:06,981 --> 00:04:09,214
It's an interactive
experiment that challenges
83
00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:11,550
how we instinctively label one another.
84
00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:14,186
But I don't have to explain
my performance piece to you.
85
00:04:14,188 --> 00:04:17,289
You're not my advisor at The New School.
86
00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:18,390
Forgive me.
87
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:20,392
I wasn't criticizing your piece.
88
00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:24,062
Yeah, we're still not
even sure if you have one.
89
00:04:25,399 --> 00:04:27,266
Can you excuse us for a minute?
90
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:28,967
And by the way,
the fuchsia in your blouse
91
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:32,938
really brings out the red in your beard.
92
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,240
People are gonna see our adorable labels
93
00:04:35,242 --> 00:04:38,877
and think all our cupcakes
are stuffed with wieners.
94
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,646
Would it kill you to have a wiener
95
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:43,982
stuffed in your cupcake?
96
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:46,485
Look, someone is paying for them,
97
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:47,586
and that someone can do
98
00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:49,221
whatever the hell they want with them.
99
00:04:49,223 --> 00:04:50,555
I said the same thing to the people
100
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:53,191
who bought my kids.
101
00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:55,327
We don't want someone
to deface our cupcakes.
102
00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:57,062
They're meant to be enjoyed by children
103
00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:58,930
or single women when a romantic comedy
104
00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:01,300
hits too close to home.
105
00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,235
Money is money. It doesn't matter.
106
00:05:03,237 --> 00:05:04,903
Just put the cupcakes in the bag.
107
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,138
I don't feel good about this.
108
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:07,906
Sorry, but we're just not comfortable
109
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:09,107
selling you our cupcakes.
110
00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:12,044
He is right here. Bag it!
111
00:05:12,046 --> 00:05:15,213
What did you just call me?
112
00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:16,915
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
113
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,317
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
114
00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:20,218
I did not say the thing
you thought I said.
115
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:21,887
I didn't even think it.
116
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:25,090
In fact, I wasn't listening
to half that crap you said.
117
00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:28,026
She said, "bag it,"
with a B, as in boy...
118
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:29,561
or not a boy.
119
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,963
Oh, I see what this is.
120
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:34,166
This is just another homophobic bakery
121
00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:37,135
trying to deny service
to people like me.
122
00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:39,004
Well, I don't have to stand here
123
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,872
to tell you how upset I am.
124
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:43,975
That's what Yelp is for.
125
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:47,279
Oh, no.
126
00:05:47,281 --> 00:05:50,582
I think Kathy Bates is really mad at us.
127
00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,285
Well, that sucks.
128
00:05:53,287 --> 00:05:57,055
Now I want a hot dog.
129
00:06:01,428 --> 00:06:03,929
Where are all the customers?
130
00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:05,597
I haven't seen this few people since...
131
00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:08,100
You went on Tinder?
132
00:06:08,102 --> 00:06:10,669
Your sweet 16 party?
133
00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:11,837
Caroline, throw one in there.
134
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:14,573
Your season of "The Bachelor"?
135
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:16,241
I was going to say
136
00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:19,811
so few people since a sale
at your cupcake window.
137
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:23,115
Boom! I just schooled you.
138
00:06:23,117 --> 00:06:27,085
Well, preschooled us.
139
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:28,420
Hey, everybody.
140
00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,091
Oh, my gosh.
141
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:35,961
You girls, I raced over here so fast,
142
00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:39,798
I left half my hair in Midtown.
143
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,433
Love the babushka, baby.
144
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:44,136
Reminds me of my Aunt Schmirna.
145
00:06:44,138 --> 00:06:47,139
Great boobs: one big, one small.
146
00:06:47,141 --> 00:06:50,208
Something for everyone.
147
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:54,146
Yeah, the gays, they're real mad at you.
148
00:06:54,148 --> 00:06:57,315
Yeah, my stylist, Carl,
told me about two girls
149
00:06:57,317 --> 00:06:59,651
with a cupcake shop in Brooklyn
150
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:04,890
who didn't want to serve a
member of the LGBTQ community.
151
00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:06,358
LGBTQ?
152
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:10,595
Those are the trains I take to get here.
153
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:12,864
Oh, my God. Max, this is terrible.
154
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,032
I know.
155
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:17,436
Earl only lives a block away.
156
00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:20,172
Why is he taking five trains?
157
00:07:20,174 --> 00:07:23,341
The gays are steaming mad.
158
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:25,243
You know, if I were you girls,
159
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,679
I would stay away from the Village,
160
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:30,849
the East River, the Hudson River,
161
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:33,051
Melissa Rivers,
162
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:35,120
Pinkberry,
163
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,555
Broadway.
164
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:40,559
Yeah,
and good luck shopping for dog clothes.
165
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:43,762
Come on, Sophie. It's not that bad.
166
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:45,363
Not that bad?
167
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:47,165
If it wasn't that bad,
would I have left the salon
168
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,334
looking like this?
169
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,138
Oh, my God.
170
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:54,239
They sent you out like that?
171
00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:55,373
They do hate us!
172
00:07:55,375 --> 00:07:57,776
I know. Tell me about it.
173
00:07:57,778 --> 00:07:59,211
I look like Donald Trump
174
00:07:59,213 --> 00:08:03,181
before they Velcroed that
dead cat to his head.
175
00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:11,857
A classic good news/ bad news situation.
176
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:14,960
Good news: I figured out
where all the customers are.
177
00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:18,964
Bad news: they're aggressively
protesting your cupcake shop.
178
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:25,871
You went to Supercuts, didn't you?
179
00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:27,706
I hope you're happy, girls.
180
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:31,510
Now even Han thinks he's better than me.
181
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:35,080
No cake equals hate.
182
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:37,115
No cake equals hate.
183
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:38,383
No cake equals hate.
184
00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:40,318
No cake equals hate.
185
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,554
Okay, this is bad.
186
00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:44,389
I haven't seen this
many angry gay people
187
00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:48,126
since that NBC "Peter Pan."
188
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:49,661
There they are.
189
00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:52,497
That's the one that refused
to sell me cupcakes.
190
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:53,298
Oh!
191
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,300
Hey, all right, come on now.
192
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:56,801
The one with the bee-stung lips,
193
00:08:56,803 --> 00:09:00,405
or the one with the
unfortunate side bang?
194
00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:02,274
This is just a misunderstanding.
195
00:09:02,276 --> 00:09:04,442
Max's Homemade Cupcakes is pro-gay.
196
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:07,212
- I love gay people.
- She does.
197
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:11,283
She's pretty much
dated them exclusively.
198
00:09:11,285 --> 00:09:15,420
This little business is our dream.
199
00:09:35,309 --> 00:09:37,309
Wrong dream, blondie.
200
00:09:37,311 --> 00:09:39,311
No cake equals hate.
201
00:09:39,313 --> 00:09:40,946
No cake equals hate.
202
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,050
No cake equals hate.
203
00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:46,685
No cake equals hate.
204
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,420
No cake equals hate.
205
00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:50,422
- No cake equals hate.
- I've called every one
206
00:09:50,424 --> 00:09:52,924
of my exes to come
down and vouch for me,
207
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,659
and they're freezing me out.
208
00:09:54,661 --> 00:09:56,995
It's like I'm asking them
for sex again or something.
209
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:58,997
I was sure this would
clear up on its own,
210
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:00,332
but I always think that
211
00:10:00,334 --> 00:10:03,001
because I can't afford penicillin.
212
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:06,104
The diner's still empty.
213
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,006
Did you two get bored
killing your own business
214
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:10,842
and decide to go after mine?
215
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:12,978
I can say, on behalf of all women,
216
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:16,948
none of us are ever going
after your business.
217
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,917
Apparently you've never met Martha,
218
00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:22,087
the portly cashier at my
neighborhood Rite Aid.
219
00:10:22,089 --> 00:10:24,589
I'm gonna go talk to them,
set them straight.
220
00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:27,892
Well, as much as I can,
given the circumstances.
221
00:10:32,366 --> 00:10:34,966
We have been trapped
in here for two days.
222
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,502
It's like we're in Gaytanamo Bay.
223
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:42,307
I'm gonna open this window
and tell them to screw off.
224
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,308
Free speech.
225
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:46,711
Your feelings got hurt. Too bad, so sad.
226
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:51,416
Oh...my God.
227
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:53,785
You should have sold
him the damn cupcakes.
228
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:56,287
I'm Cher, bitch.
229
00:10:59,726 --> 00:11:01,359
What happened?
230
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:05,063
Cher hates us too.
231
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,731
We must be wrong.
232
00:11:06,733 --> 00:11:08,033
That's not the Cher, Max.
233
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:10,135
It's a Cher impersonator.
234
00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:14,739
Then why do I have chills?
235
00:11:14,741 --> 00:11:16,074
I love Cher.
236
00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:18,243
I used to imagine she was my real mom
237
00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:19,644
and that one day she'd pick me up
238
00:11:19,646 --> 00:11:21,246
and take me away with her,
239
00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:23,915
and then we'd get matching
see-through body stockings
240
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:27,052
like normal mothers and daughters.
241
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:30,055
Aw, that's so disturbing.
242
00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:31,823
Max, we did nothing wrong.
243
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,091
You can't just back down
244
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:36,027
because of some female impersonator.
245
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:40,465
Now you're blonde.
246
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:46,037
Look, Cher, we did nothing wrong.
247
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,906
Hey, look. I want a cupcake,
248
00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:49,574
and nobody... and I mean nobody...
249
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,976
is gonna rain on my parade.
250
00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:56,147
Attention, everyone.
251
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:59,284
This is the owner of
the diner next door,
252
00:11:59,286 --> 00:12:00,952
and he has something to say,
253
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:04,889
so let's listen to our gay comrade.
254
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:07,158
Oh, I'm not gay.
255
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:10,895
Well, that explains the sweater vest.
256
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:13,398
Yep, I'm straight. Love the ladies.
257
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,401
I'm a bit of a chick magnet.
258
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:20,105
You're barely the size
of a refrigerator magnet.
259
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:22,073
There.
260
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,175
Another insensitive remark,
261
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:28,079
this time about the
little people community,
262
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:31,182
just like my friend here.
263
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:34,119
Oh, I'm not a little person.
264
00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:35,620
Max, do not say anything.
265
00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:36,688
Fine.
266
00:12:36,690 --> 00:12:38,323
But this used to be America,
267
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:41,893
home of the free and land of the insult.
268
00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:44,028
Everyone, maybe I can clear this up.
269
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:48,166
That woman over there
doesn't hate gay people.
270
00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:49,968
- She hates all people.
- Yeah.
271
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,672
No cake equals hate.
272
00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:57,809
Sophie, what are you doing?
273
00:12:57,811 --> 00:13:00,111
Oh, hi. Sorry, girls.
274
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:02,947
No cake equals hate.
275
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,650
Hey, be fair and fix my hair.
276
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:09,854
Hi. Excuse me.
277
00:13:09,856 --> 00:13:11,222
Oh, no, did we also say something
278
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:14,092
to offend the L.L.Bean community?
279
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:17,095
Max,
now straight people are mad at us too.
280
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:19,063
The cashier in the diner
said this was the best way
281
00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:20,431
to get to you.
282
00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:24,135
He also told me his CD
was a bargain at $5.99.
283
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,004
I can't believe you got
past the protestors.
284
00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:27,238
I would have thought those boys
285
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,308
would have the back door covered.
286
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,643
Man, it's crazy out there, right?
287
00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:33,077
I mean,
however people run their business
288
00:13:33,079 --> 00:13:34,646
should be their own business.
289
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:39,184
That was always the company line
when I worked for that cartel.
290
00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:41,352
I read about your
situation on the internet,
291
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:44,055
and I want to order 500 cupcakes.
292
00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:46,724
Is there a Mrs. L.L.Bean?
293
00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:49,961
There is. Happily married 15 years.
294
00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:51,229
Terry Williams.
295
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:53,064
"Family Foremost Foundation"?
296
00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:55,800
Yep, the FFF.
297
00:13:55,802 --> 00:13:57,502
Wow, three of them.
298
00:13:57,504 --> 00:14:00,972
You people really like a good F.
299
00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:02,307
Well, we're a group
300
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:04,175
of independent business owners like you.
301
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,044
We're in town for a
convention on Sunday.
302
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:07,478
Information is on the card.
303
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,981
We'll bet there with 500 cupcakes.
304
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:12,350
Oh, Terry, what kind of cupcakes?
305
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,253
It's your business. You decide.
306
00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:19,958
- Max, how about that?
- I know.
307
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:23,628
The Brawny paper towel
guy just saved our asses.
308
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,766
Good afternoon, family.
309
00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:30,735
Good afternoon, Terry.
310
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,871
It's so weird for me to hear the word
"family"
311
00:14:32,873 --> 00:14:35,607
not followed by the word "court."
312
00:14:35,609 --> 00:14:36,875
I hope you have some energy left
313
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,943
for the leader of our family,
314
00:14:38,945 --> 00:14:42,614
the man who always puts family foremost,
315
00:14:42,616 --> 00:14:43,915
Brother Dan.
316
00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:58,096
Good afternoon, family.
317
00:14:58,098 --> 00:15:00,565
Good afternoon, Brother Dan.
318
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:04,802
And thank you, Brother Terry,
for that warm introduction.
319
00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,878
Are they stuck?
320
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,381
Um, I think there might be one more F
321
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:19,617
in Brother Dan's plan.
322
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:24,555
Today, we are here to celebrate
that most perfect union:
323
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,057
the family.
324
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,826
We rejoice in the family.
325
00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:31,896
We live, we love, we lust...
326
00:15:31,898 --> 00:15:34,899
wholesomely, of course, for the family.
327
00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:39,804
And today,
our family has found two new daughters.
328
00:15:42,008 --> 00:15:44,742
Girls, why don't you come up on stage?
329
00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:47,946
Oh, you don't want her to get on stage.
330
00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:50,048
In fact,
why don't you get that spotlight off us
331
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:52,450
before she starts to sing again?
332
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,119
Don't be shy. You two girls went up
333
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,455
against today's
politically correct mafia.
334
00:15:57,457 --> 00:16:01,159
You stood up to the family destroyers,
335
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:04,262
with their tan, shirtless torsos
336
00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:07,932
and their free online pornography.
337
00:16:07,934 --> 00:16:11,135
Come on up for a hug.
338
00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:12,804
Come on.
339
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,241
Just walk past the
stairs and keep going.
340
00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:19,143
No money is worth being
part of whatever this is.
341
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,511
Let's make a break for it.
342
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,380
And we have a big surprise.
343
00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:26,451
Here's a check made out
to Max's Homemade Cupcakes
344
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:29,821
for $10,000!
345
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,158
Let's make a break for it
after we get the check.
346
00:16:45,939 --> 00:16:50,808
Every night this week,
I have wept in the arms
347
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:55,246
of my loving wife, Peggy.
348
00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:58,383
I have wept about the
plight of these two girls,
349
00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:02,387
and I am very thankful that
we could all pull together
350
00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:05,156
to ease their pain.
351
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:07,425
Thank you.
352
00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:16,601
Max, Caroline,
353
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:18,870
come closer to me.
354
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:20,171
Closer?
355
00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:22,306
Does he know we don't have penises?
356
00:17:22,308 --> 00:17:25,743
Come close so I can present you
357
00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:28,046
your giant check.
358
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:30,214
I just wish I'd brought my giant wallet.
359
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:32,483
No one has to know we're
getting money from them.
360
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:35,987
Right now,
millions of people are watching
361
00:17:35,989 --> 00:17:39,157
as we stream live around the world.
362
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:41,692
Oh, this is streaming right now?
363
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:43,161
Max, this is streaming.
364
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:44,796
I'm streaming a little in my pants
365
00:17:44,798 --> 00:17:46,664
about this check.
366
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,467
Right now, all around the world,
367
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:52,336
people are seeing what morals look like.
368
00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:57,208
These are the girls who are standing up
369
00:17:57,210 --> 00:18:00,078
against the deviants, the divorces,
370
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:03,881
the scientists, the hop-hop lovers,
371
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:06,350
and...
372
00:18:06,352 --> 00:18:07,852
the doobie smokers.
373
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,454
Whoa.
374
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:11,189
I don't like people or science, either,
375
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:14,525
but ain't nothing wrong
with a righteous doob.
376
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:18,496
We need to show the world
that we will not tolerate
377
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:23,701
these deviants and these
degenerates any longer!
378
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:26,771
I don't want to be
associated with these people.
379
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:30,074
The gays will hate us forever,
and when I get an interior,
380
00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:32,677
I want it decorated.
381
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:35,079
People watching everywhere,
382
00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:40,017
meet the two new faces of family.
383
00:18:42,188 --> 00:18:43,955
You know what we have to do, right?
384
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:44,989
On the count of three.
385
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:47,625
One, two...
386
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,462
Look away, Peggy!
387
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,365
Hold me, Terry.
388
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:59,804
I believe this is yours.
389
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,847
I can't keep up with all these drinks.
390
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:12,350
I'm running out of tiny umbrellas.
391
00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:16,554
How will you get home if it rains?
392
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:18,689
Yes, it's I.
393
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:20,158
Saw your kiss on Instagram,
394
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,326
and I wanted to apologize
for the whole mix-up.
395
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:24,529
I can be a little overly sensitive.
396
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:27,532
Just ask anyone that works at Lanc�me.
397
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:29,167
Oh, they know me at Lanc�me.
398
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:32,069
They call me No More Free Samples.
399
00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:33,271
Listen, I get it.
400
00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:35,606
Nobody wants to be
reduced to some label.
401
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,341
You should hate people
for other reasons:
402
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:39,010
because they're gross or mean
403
00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,645
or you owe them money.
404
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:41,746
At the end of the day,
405
00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:43,648
we are all just trying to get by.
406
00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:47,018
Bi? Now, those people I don't trust.
407
00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:50,521
Hi, sorry I'm late for the party, girls,
408
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,890
but I was just outside
talking to my new friends,
409
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:56,160
Lisa Newcar and Ginger Vitis.
410
00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:59,030
We all wear the same shoe size!
411
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,233
Ah, ladies, ladies.
412
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:05,136
I would love to stay and celebrate,
413
00:20:05,138 --> 00:20:08,039
but I've got a hot date
with that fine young thing
414
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,541
at table four.
415
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,076
Good for you, Earl.
416
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:16,013
But I don't know if
that's exactly a woman.
417
00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:18,115
Ladies, I'm almost 80.
418
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:21,285
I don't know that that's
exactly a problem.
419
00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:24,889
A few of the girls and
I took up a collection
420
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:27,525
for shutting your business
down the last couple days,
421
00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:29,126
so here.
422
00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:34,432
Cher, you got me a present?
423
00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:37,835
I've waited for this my whole life.
424
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:41,806
You know my name is Chad, right?
425
00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:44,408
So snap out of it!
426
00:20:44,458 --> 00:20:49,008
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