All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s04e12 Knock Off Knock Out

Here's your check, Mr. ZZ
and Mr. Top.

Would you like a to-go box

or are you just gonna put it
in your beard

with the rest of your sandwich?

We're in a beard-growing
contest.

They happen all over the
country. It's a pretty big deal.

What's first prize?
Blindfold for your girlfriends?

I'm kidding, I know
you don't have girlfriends.

Actually, this level of hair-art
takes months

of hard work and commitment.

Ah, well, quack, quack,
Duck Dynasty.

My left armpit
could beat you both.

Let me tell you something
on behalf of women everywhere.

We-don't-like-beards.

Caroline? Beards?

I never liked being one.

Ladies, if his name is Trace,
get the hell out of there.

See? So, shave, losers.

If you're chinless
or chin-plentiful,

it's better than
what you've got going on.

There's your tip,
be generous with mine.

You actually insult people

and then expect them
to give you money?

That's how it works
with you and me.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Thanks. Bye.

Everyone's loving
our new cupcake T-shirts.

I've sold four in the last hour.

Three more and we can afford
that towel we've had our eye on.

These T-shirts keep selling.
That means more money.

Mo' money means mo' success.

"Mo' Success"?
I think I dated his cousin, Les.

Hey, everybody.

Mind if I stop for a breather?

I've been briding my ass off.

Sophie, are those
all your bridal magazines?

That's only half.

Come on, Oleg.

Look, if those are too heavy,
how are you gonna be able

to push the wedding donkey
down the aisle?

Wedding donkey?

My excitement level for this
wedding just skyrocketed.

Relax, Sophie.

If I know how to do anything,
it's how to move an ass.

That's true. Yeah.

Wow, you're carrying more heavy
issues than Amanda Bynes.

Look at all these.

Beautiful Bride, Modern Bride,
City Bride.

And do you really need
African American Bride?

Well, I haven't ruled out
cornrows.

Cornrows and a donkey?
RSVP yes.

Oh, yeah.
This one's hot.

Save that one for later.

Oh, I forgot
I'm getting married.

Keep her.
I might need a Tuesday off.

Sophie, why don't you get some
help from your maid of honor?

-I will kill you.
-Or a wedding planner?

Oh, Sophie, my cousin, Svetlana,
is a wedding planner.

Okay, but she better be good.

Because I want everything
to be perfect on my big day.

-Our big day.
-Yeah. Sure.

I can't believe this.
They're getting married

and I don't have a wedding
donkey anywhere on my horizon.

OMG.

You sell these T-shirts?
I just bought one.

Did I just sell you that shirt
and already forgot?

I knew that 9-cent deodorant
was gonna give me brain lesions.

Well, the label did have
a picture of a brain

with "No Bueno" written on it.

No, I bought it at a store
in Manhattan

on East Ninth and Broadway.

I know because I'm OCD
and it was 67 steps

and 14 sidewalk cracks
from the corner.

Max, someone else
is selling our shirts.

I know. We're getting hosed
by some other hoes.

I can't believe
they stole our shirt.

The one thing we made

that people
actually wanted to buy.

I feel like Myspace.

I haven't seen anything
this upsetting in a window

since that time
I accidentally caught

a reflection of myself
in my waitress uniform.

We need to talk to someone

about those damn shirts
you jacked.

We about to rumble.

What she means is,
we wish to speak to someone

about the adorable cupcake
T-shirts in the window

or we will be about to rumble.

I'm just working here
until I get my PhD

in the Eco-Social Dynamics
of Western Civilization.

So, forever?

Those T-shirts are our design

and we need to know
why they're here

and who knocked them off.

It's the granddaughter
of the woman who owns this shop.

She's kind of a monster
and she's walking in right now.

Hi, Kemberly and Ashlin.

These ladies are interested
in your T-shirts.

-Aren't they cute?
-So cute.

Yeah, super cute.
We designed them.

Yeah, we designed them.

-What?
-Yeah, what?

Ashlin and Kimberly, is it?

It's Kemberly, with an "E."

I changed it myself
because I'm original.

Yeah, she's an original.

You know what's not original?

Those shirts.
You stole them from us.

We did not steal your idea.

Yeah, we did not steal
your idea.

We copied it
from this lame cupcake shop

in Brooklyn.

Wait a minute.

We have a lame cupcake shop
in Brooklyn.

Ashlin, you talk too much.

This is why everyone knows
about my lap-band.

I think they know about it

because you lost 200 pounds
over spring break.

It's hard to believe she
was once twice this obnoxious.

If you don't stop
selling our T-shirts,

we're gonna have
to get our lawyer involved.

Yeah, we're gonna have
to get our lawyer involved.

And he's gonna kill you.

I don't know what lawyers do.

We're totally not doing this
for us.

-We're rich.
-Yeah, we're rich.

A percentage of every shirt
that we sell goes to charity.

Yeah, it goes to charity.

We are the charity
that it needs to go to.

You're old
and desperate for money.

And I totally get it.

My aunt's one of the
Real Housewives of New York.

But, sorry.

It's the one without the leg.

What just happened here?

That girl just called you old.

Earl, I don't think
I'm gonna be buying you

that pinky ring you wanted
any time soon.

No rush, Max,
you got plenty of time.

I got like, six or seven months
before I turn to dust.

It's because our T-shirts
got ripped off

by a couple of prep school girls
in Manhattan.

It's like a bad 80's movie.

I don't know whether
to date James Spader,

or teach this town how to dance.

This is so unfair.

Those girls
can't just steal from us.

This isn't 7-Eleven.

Max, I can't believe
your naiveté.

What does my body spray
have to do with anything?

Look, there is no reason to be
so upset about those two girls.

They're not gonna affect
our business.

Plus, they have to live
with themselves.

And karma is a bitch.

I mean, I littered once and,
huh, look what happened to me.

Hey, everybody.

I'm up to my nuts
in bridal junk.

There she is.
The love of my life.

The yin to my yang.
The zing to my wang.

Save that gold for the vows.

I am Svetlana, Oleg's cousin.

Well, darling,
it could be worse.

You could be his sister.

Svetty.

-And you must be Sophie.
-Yeah.

No.

But you haven't even heard
any ideas.

Caroline.

Sophie, why did you just say
my name?

Oh, it's Oleg's
and my safe word.

Yeah. It means no.

It's the one word we both agreed
we would never say during sex.

Are you sure?

Because I give free oil change
with every wedding.

Caroline!

All right, well,
I'll be in my booth.

You know,
this wedding planner thing

is as crappy as the movie
of the same name.

Girls, I forgot to tell you,

a man came by today
with this letter for you.

This reminds me
of when I was a young,

hot-shot courier.

I was a young,
hot-shot courier once, too.

I used to deliver drugs
to my mother at work

on my tricycle.

Oh, my God, Max,
you're not gonna believe this

but those two girls have issued
a cease and desist order.

Those bitches!
What's that?

They're saying we have
to stop selling our T-shirts.

That's what I told them
we were gonna do.

They even copied this idea.

We need to get a lawyer.

How? We can't even afford
Law & Order on iTunes.

Hey, do you think
we could afford that lawyer

on the subway billboards?

The one who has a gavel
in one hand

and a chicken in the other?

I think he just does accidentes.

What is going on here?

There's food
waiting in the window,

periodicals strewn about.

Someone's on his periodical.

Han, we just got served.

At least someone
in the diner has.

You're lucky your boss
is so chill.

Of course you're chill,

you're one
of Mr. Popper's penguins.

How about this?

We'll do the jobs
you already pay us for

if you agree to pretend
to be our lawyer.

You have a suit, right?

Why would I pretend
to be a lawyer?

You can't even pretend
to be waitresses.

No one's gonna believe
Han's our lawyer, anyway.

He can't pass the bar,
he can barely see over one.

That's it.
I've had it with you two

and your non-work ethic.

And this area is for customers.
I want these out of here.

-(CLATTERING)
-(MAX SCREAMS)

Uh-oh.

Max?

I suppose I could dig up a suit
if that could, somehow,

make this boss striking
his employee thing go away.

Max, of course,
these girls go to Dalby Hall,

all my archenemies did.

I guess Lady Gaga
won in the end, though.

In other news,
I kind of like this eye-patch.

I know you do,

you were pretending to be
the pirate queen of the subway.

Well, no one arrrgh-ued with us.

How long did the eye doctor say
you have to keep it on?

And by eye doctor, I mean,
that first-year med student

we gave the free dessert to.

A few days, which is a bummer,

because only seeing half
of how sad we are

is kind of a blessing.

How are we gonna find them?

Follow the scent of our decaying
T-shirts business?

According to Instagram,
they're in the cafeteria, see?

Ashlin just posted a pic
of a mini-pizza.

"#ThatPizzaLife."

They have mini-pizzas here?

My high school
didn't even have heat.

Sorry I'm late. I had to pick up
a suit at the Men's Warehouse.

Don't you mean the
Not Quite A Man's Warehouse?

Han, I love your lawyer costume.
So authentic.

Only thing missing is the hole
where your soul should be.

Well, as I always say,

if you're going
to do something...

Do it with your left hand

so it will feel like
someone else?

No, if you're going
to do something, do it right.

Last Halloween, I went as Sprout
from the Green Giant commercial

and I even put pea pods
over my pee-pee.

You laugh,
but I won 500 dollars.

Okay, I created my own cease
and desist order.

Where did you get this?

Same place Max printed out
that fake,

"I don't have herpes"
doctor's certificate.

It works.

And here's your business card.

Where? Where is it?
I can't see.

Here. And Han, I hope
you're a better actor than Max.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
is a better actor than Max.

"Mr. Lu Su"?
That's what you came up with?

"Mr. Lu Su"?

Well, you're a lawyer,

so the "Su" part
is totally on point.

But "Lu Su"?
No Asian was ever named that.

Maybe not in this galaxy

but might I remind you
of a Mr. Sulu.

Oh, yeah. I mixed it up.
Genius.

Han, you don't have
to use the cards.

I can make it work.

Two Halloweens ago,
I was an Ewok

and turned an orange bath-towel
into a turban.

Second place. 250 dollars.

And next Halloween,
you can wear that

and goes as a lesbian minister.

Okay, so the plan is,
we go in there

and calmly confront them
with our attorney.

I'll do the talking.

Han, you stand there
and try to look smart.

I'm already Asian.
So, done.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

Wow, this brings me back.

I had a seat
at the popular table,

the Debate Team table,
the Student Council table

and the Waiting
For Marriage table.

But that table
kind of fell apart

when everybody got pregnant
but me.

I ate in the school parking lot
with a wino.

He was so nice to me,
I thought he might be my dad.

But then he never made a move
on me,

so I guess he wasn't.

Attention everyone, attention.

Yeah, attention everyone,
attention.

Ashlin and I are here today
to sell our T-shirts

and to talk about bullying
and how it's not cool.

It's so not cool.

-I was talking, Ash.
-Yeah, she was talking.

Their charity is bullying?

That's like Kanye West trying
to raise money for laying low.

A three dollar donation will be
made to our anti-bullying fund

with each purchase of one
of our super, super cute tees.

Super, super cute tees.

My super cute tee!

Best idea I ever had.

Right up there with the bong
with a chin strap

so you could be hands-free
to change the channel.

So buy one right now
and then we'll be back later

for the rest
of our anti-bully talk.

Yeah, buy them
or my dad won't pay

for the lacrosse equipment
this year.

Let's go.
They are making a fortune on us.

And if I'm gonna get screwed,
it better be by someone over 21.

Yeah, that sounds like a job
with a two drink minimum.

Han, don't mess this up

or you'll be eating
those glasses.

Might I interest you
in an anti-bullying pamphlet?

Might I interest you
in a seat on my finger?

Hey, how did you two
get in here?

The school pays guards out front
to keep out the homeless.

Yeah, well, jokes on you.

Because they just let us
walk in.

Hello, girls.
You can "cease and desist"

selling our T-shirts as of now.

This is our attorney, Mr. Lu Su.

And he is holding
our cease and desist

to counter
your cease and desist.

Okay, well, first,

your lawyer looks like
a teacher on a Disney show.

Is that a bad thing?

And if you have
anything further to say,

you can take it up
with my lawyer. Her dad.

And he's real good.

He got that CEO guy

who admitted he killed
his whole family

out on a technicality.

I forgot how mean girls can be.

How? I'm your roommate.

Thank you, Kemberly.
Thank you, Ashlin.

A little help.

Hello, girls,
you all look very nice.

What is he doing?

Hopefully a tight 10

and then he'll bring up
the headliner.

This may be hard to believe

looking at me
in this totally awesome suit,

but I know a little something
about being bullied.

-As a little child...
-And as a slightly bigger adult.

Seriously? In the middle
of his bullying speech,

-youre bullying?
-Kind of surprised even myself.

I have someone who bullies me.

Okay, let's get out of here
while I can.

It's not just the hitting
and the name-calling.

Although, not gonna lie,
that's a real bummer.

You see, girls, the bad thing
about being bullied

is that every time it happens,

it steals a little piece
of who you are.

And then, if it happens enough,
little by little,

you become just a little less
of who you were meant to be.

And that's not cool.

And these two girls up here,
without knowing it,

I'm sure, stole a little piece
of Max and Caroline.

When they stole
their little idea.

And that's so not cool.

Yeah, that's so not cool.

Max, Caroline,
we'll stop making the shirts.

-Ash, I never said that.
-Ah, no, Kemberly. I did.

And I liked you more
before the lap-band.

When you were still Kimberly
with an "I."

(GASPING)

-Max, did Han just save us?
-I wasn't listening,

I was putting mini-pizzas
in my pocket.

Girls, your shift started
40 minutes ago.

What are you doing here
so early?

Earl, good news.

We are now the sole owners
of all those cupcake T-shirts.

And, literally, nothing else.

Maybe I could rent a parrot

and pick up some shifts
at Long John Silver's.

Hey, girls.

I'm about to meet
another wedding planner.

And this one's gonna be good.
He's gay.

Sophie Kachinsky?
Yes, God.

From the second
I walked in here,

I said to myself,
"That has to be her."

And I can see it. We're gonna
make magic together.

Now, what's gay for "no"?

Okay.

Wow, I think
we just survived a torgaydo.

(MOANS)

Where am I gonna find
another gay wedding planner

in New York now?

Just throw a tantrum
in a Crate & Barrel

and five of them
will come running.

Hey, nice legal work today.

You should be
on the Little People's Court.

Yeah, from now on,
I'm calling you "Hanny Cochran."

Okay. Next time you want
to thank me,

just send me
an Edible Arrangement.

I don't know many times
I have to drop that hint.

But that's just, like,
a two-inch drop.

Sorry. I can't help myself.
But I'm going to try.

Because I know I was the bully

you were talking about
on that speech.

What? I was talking about
the doorwoman in my building.

I have to submit
to a purple-nurple

just to get my mail.

There's another woman?

Max, I think Han
has a side bully.

Well, I'll just have
to try harder.

Because if anyone
is gonna mercilessly nurple you

into an early grave,
it's got to be me.

I'd like to think so, Max.

You'd also like to ride
in a car facing forwards.

Back to normal.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(English US - SDH)

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