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1
00:00:02,085 --> 00:00:03,545
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
2
00:00:03,670 --> 00:00:06,260
Guinness and Irish cream
cupcakes for everyone!
3
00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:08,761
Enjoy your blackout!
4
00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:10,506
These are the last 12 cupcakes.
5
00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:14,465
Actually, two of them are just
potatoes from the diner.
6
00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:18,518
At some point I started putting
green icing on anything I could find.
7
00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:20,603
Max, we haven't been so busy
8
00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:24,940
since someone spray-painted
"free sex stuff" on the wall outside.
9
00:00:25,109 --> 00:00:28,109
And you said
I'm not good at marketing.
10
00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:30,446
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
11
00:00:30,573 --> 00:00:32,493
Bridget, Patrick, John, Mary,
12
00:00:32,615 --> 00:00:35,785
and you, the little one,
come over here.
13
00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,291
We're here to pick up our order.
14
00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:40,254
Should be here
to pick up birth control.
15
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,754
Coming right up.
16
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,375
Max, I know I told you
I hated St. Patrick's Day
17
00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:46,303
because the only people
who go out are drunk trash--
18
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:49,383
We prefer to be called
"intoxicated garbage."
19
00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:53,298
But that was before I knew
that drunk trash carried cash.
20
00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:56,559
Nobody gonna pinch me today,
because I got all this green.
21
00:00:57,515 --> 00:01:01,145
Oh, money's involved, and all of
a sudden you're Erin go Bragh?
22
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:05,110
Or in your case,
"Erin go training bra?"
23
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:07,191
-Who wants cupcakes?
-CHILDREN: Me!
24
00:01:08,444 --> 00:01:10,204
(THEME MUSIC)
25
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:11,657
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
26
00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:22,366
It was so worth
being open this morning.
27
00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:25,955
We can use this St. Patrick's Day
money to spring for some new pillows.
28
00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:28,205
Or even just pillows.
29
00:01:28,379 --> 00:01:32,339
Or just go to a bar and
fall asleep on a couple of fat guys.
30
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:36,809
Okay, how much did we make?
Show me the money.
31
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:39,812
Three hundred and fifty-one dollars!
32
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,895
Show me the rest of the money.
33
00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:45,556
Fine, I took three dollars.
34
00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:47,690
-That's it?
-Fine, I took five.
35
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,856
Can't a bitch get a footlong?
36
00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:53,113
But we worked so hard.
37
00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:55,199
I have so much green
under my fingernails
38
00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:58,163
it looks like I had
really good sex with Shrek.
39
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,707
What other kind
could you have with him?
40
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:06,003
Green guys make black guys
look like white guys.
41
00:02:07,710 --> 00:02:09,670
I love St. Patrick's Day.
42
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,916
Tell me one good thing about it.
43
00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:15,133
(IRISH ACCENT) Top o' the mornin'!
44
00:02:16,010 --> 00:02:18,220
Look, it's a lepre-Han.
45
00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,267
So what do you think?
46
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,270
I'm concerned.
If you're out here,
47
00:02:22,393 --> 00:02:25,403
who's guarding your Lucky Charms?
48
00:02:25,521 --> 00:02:28,231
You laugh now,
and probably all night long,
49
00:02:28,356 --> 00:02:29,776
but with this costume,
50
00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:33,242
my chances of getting laid
are higher than ever.
51
00:02:33,361 --> 00:02:35,531
So zero?
52
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,526
Nope, 100 percent.
53
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,948
What makes you so confident?
54
00:02:41,078 --> 00:02:42,288
Because the only answer
I can think of right now
55
00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:46,293
is that you have cocaine
in your wee pocket.
56
00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:47,957
Hey, I can see it.
57
00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:49,665
You're out drunk
on St. Patrick's Day,
58
00:02:49,795 --> 00:02:52,795
and it seems like a good idea
to bang a leprechaun.
59
00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:54,585
Like the Presidents' Day
I hooked up with a guy
60
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:57,796
dressed like Uncle Sam
at the used car lot.
61
00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:00,637
This costume is my ace in the hole.
62
00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:04,854
Well, it does make you
look like an ace-hole.
63
00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:06,807
Nice outfit, Han.
64
00:03:06,979 --> 00:03:09,439
You look like a pimp
I used to use in Vietnam.
65
00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:15,818
Come on, let's hit the parade.
66
00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:17,865
Look, Oleg, this is America.
67
00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:20,070
You could have an accent
or a suspicious package,
68
00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:21,829
but you can't have both.
69
00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:24,333
Relax.
It's just my inventory.
70
00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:25,996
I'm gonna sell T-shirts.
71
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:34,261
That is revolting.
72
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,761
Put me down for five.
73
00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:40,219
You might also be interested
in my other choice product.
74
00:03:40,346 --> 00:03:41,806
Pee funnels.
75
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:45,845
I might also not be
interested in that product.
76
00:03:46,018 --> 00:03:48,688
It's a disposable funnel
for upwardly mobile, elegant,
77
00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:52,943
young ladies who want to stand
and pee in the street like a man.
78
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,857
I mean, have you seen
those parade port-a-potties?
79
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:59,027
Seen them?
I was conceived in one.
80
00:03:59,198 --> 00:04:01,528
Just slip one of these babies
into your pants
81
00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:04,698
and go pee in the park,
no muss, no fuss.
82
00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:07,830
Well, a little muss, some fuss.
83
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:10,916
And possibly a very
unpleasant paper cut.
84
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:17,343
That's revolting.
85
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:19,716
Put me down for five.
86
00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:21,393
Better make it six,
because if it's for ladies,
87
00:04:21,552 --> 00:04:23,222
Han's definitely gonna need one.
88
00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:29,057
Max, barhopping
with a horny leprechaun
89
00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:31,148
and a pee-funnel salesman?
90
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,981
Not exactly my scene.
Can't you just go with Deke?
91
00:04:34,108 --> 00:04:37,318
This is boyfriend stuff,
meaning he's gross like you.
92
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:40,784
I know, but he's snowboarding
somewhere called Vail
93
00:04:40,906 --> 00:04:43,196
with something called a family.
94
00:04:43,324 --> 00:04:45,244
Here, we gotta lay down
a layer of grease
95
00:04:45,369 --> 00:04:47,079
to absorb all the booze
we'll be drinking tonight.
96
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:49,285
This'll hold us over
till our 3:00 AM street meet,
97
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:50,616
Which'll hold us over till our
98
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:53,420
noon-30 Rooty Tooty
Fresh 'N Fruity breakfast.
99
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:55,213
Come on, start layering.
100
00:04:55,336 --> 00:04:56,916
I miss my old
St. Patrick's Day tradition.
101
00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,547
-Wanna hear it?
-Hell, no.
102
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,586
Well, from 16 to 21,
my friends and I....
103
00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,218
Boys were there too,
104
00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:05,425
even though technically
they weren't allowed...
105
00:05:05,596 --> 00:05:08,176
By 16, I was thrice divorced
106
00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:11,140
and a member of the
electricians' union, but go on.
107
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:16,316
We'd rent a big suite at The Plaza
overlooking the parade,
108
00:05:16,442 --> 00:05:18,572
and we'd fill balloons
with champagne and...
109
00:05:18,694 --> 00:05:23,624
And throw them
down at the parade crowd!
110
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,830
So fun, right?
111
00:05:26,951 --> 00:05:28,621
Oh, wait, that was you guys?
112
00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:30,956
One year you hit me
and my friend Archie.
113
00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:32,962
He sells car seat covers
in Rhode Island now.
114
00:05:33,082 --> 00:05:34,962
He's doing pretty well.
115
00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:36,417
Max, why are you
116
00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:39,672
dragging ass on the night
I'm supposed to get some?
117
00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:43,468
Stop talking about sex
wearing that body. It's gross.
118
00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:49,482
(CAR HORN HONKING)
119
00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:53,635
We've been stuck in traffic
for, like, an hour.
120
00:05:53,771 --> 00:05:56,361
I could have had
37 Guinness' by now.
121
00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:59,863
And broken the Guinness World Record
for most Guinness'.
122
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:02,026
Is this cab even moving?
123
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:04,363
Is that a new McDonald's
or the same one?
124
00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:07,950
It's the same one, unless that bum's
on a masturbation tour of Manhattan.
125
00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:12,251
Come on! Make 'em move!
Hit the horn again!
126
00:06:12,331 --> 00:06:13,211
(HONKING)
127
00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:17,421
If you touch my horn again,
I cut your hand off!
128
00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:18,803
Okay, big shot.
129
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,710
Do it. Do it,
if it'll get us there faster.
130
00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:26,677
Look, I know I said I'd spring
for a cab, but it's 70 dollars!
131
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,850
And I'm gonna need that
for a junior-king room
132
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,349
at the Holiday Inn Express!
133
00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:33,143
Don't worry, Han, we'll chip in.
134
00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:36,018
No, we won't.
We need that 356 dollars.
135
00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,476
That's all we made today.
136
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:41,154
It has to last till we're 82.
This is our funeral money, Max.
137
00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:43,316
Don't worry, we'll make more money.
138
00:06:43,444 --> 00:06:45,244
Not much more, but a little bit.
139
00:06:46,824 --> 00:06:47,784
Damn it!
140
00:06:47,865 --> 00:06:50,075
I can hear
the bagpipers coming this way.
141
00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:54,084
They're playing Closing Time.
That means the parade's over.
142
00:06:54,206 --> 00:06:56,126
Now I'm never gonna
sell the pee funnels.
143
00:06:56,207 --> 00:06:58,747
All right, I've got to
move some T-shirts.
144
00:06:58,793 --> 00:06:59,923
Heads up, peoples!
145
00:07:00,002 --> 00:07:03,262
"Kiss me I'm Irish"
crotch tees. Fifteen dollars.
146
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,683
Or two for 25! Five for 60!
147
00:07:05,843 --> 00:07:07,433
You nobody!
148
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,973
You can't sell those out the window.
149
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:13,138
That's illegal.
You need a permit!
150
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,846
Just drive, Grandma.
151
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,558
I can't believe
you call yourself Russian.
152
00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:19,114
Doesn't seem like
you're rushin' anywhere.
153
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:22,610
You say that again,
and I'll cut your tongue out!
154
00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:24,493
Oh, now you're gonna
cut out my tongue?
155
00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:27,909
Why do you want to punish all
the women in the Tri-state area?
156
00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:32,158
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)
Look, oh, my God, it's Earl!
157
00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:35,116
Earl, what're you doing here?
158
00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:37,711
Hey, y'all!
(BAGPIPES STOP)
159
00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:41,132
This is my bagpipe group Black Irish.
160
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:43,302
I'm black, they're Irish.
161
00:07:43,422 --> 00:07:46,182
Why didn't you tell us
you were coming to the parade?
162
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:50,510
Well, I kinda like to keep
my skirt wearing on the DL.
163
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,387
When did you learn
how to play bagpipes?
164
00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:56,137
I do not know.
165
00:07:56,268 --> 00:07:59,608
I took too much acid once,
and, when the trip ended,
166
00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:03,270
I could play the bagpipes
and drive a stick.
167
00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:06,439
I'll catch up with you at Blarney's.
(BAGPIPES BEGIN AGAIN)
168
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:13,241
Han, pay the man.
It's ten blocks away. We can walk.
169
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:15,250
-In these shoes?
-In these shoes?
170
00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:22,415
Urgh, green beer.
171
00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:24,456
Is this really how
we honor the Irish,
172
00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:26,258
some of our greatest
writers and poets?
173
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:27,803
Oh, did they come up with,
174
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:31,005
"If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
be a sweetie, wipe the seatie?"
175
00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:35,562
First of all, not a real poem.
176
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:38,102
And as the person
who shares your bathroom,
177
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,598
maybe take that advice.
178
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:44,610
Maybe take that frown
and get it drunk.
179
00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:47,862
Okay, sure, we're two
young girls on the town,
180
00:08:47,985 --> 00:08:50,275
on what's probably America's
most dangerous holiday.
181
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:53,407
Why have our wits about us?
182
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,373
That's the spirit.
183
00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:58,044
And who knows?
Maybe you'll meet a cute, Irish guy.
184
00:08:58,163 --> 00:09:01,003
(IRISH ACCENT) Happy St. Paddy's Day!
185
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,504
Blarney Bill.
186
00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:05,535
Are you the owner of this
colorful establishment?
187
00:09:05,671 --> 00:09:08,301
I'm not even
the owner of these pants.
188
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,971
Where's me kiss?
189
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,802
Blarney Bill is like
the mascot of this place.
190
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:16,639
Every year I kiss him for good luck.
191
00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:19,097
And when does that luck kick in?
192
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:20,635
Where's me kiss?
193
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:23,519
I left it in me other purse?
194
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:30,399
Wow. That's a wet moustache.
195
00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:32,528
Scotch and fish.
196
00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,445
What?
197
00:09:34,573 --> 00:09:36,373
That's why it's wet!
198
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,958
Man, he's the best.
199
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,081
The best what?
200
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:44,995
Hey, girls!
201
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,378
Sold my last shirt.
202
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,844
Told you that small would fit.
203
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:56,297
Look at Han at that table
with all those...
204
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,639
I want to say "girls..."
205
00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:00,604
waiting to take pictures with him.
206
00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:02,515
Becca!
207
00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:04,349
Becca!
208
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,980
Over here.
209
00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:08,976
Oh, no, you're not Becca.
210
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,189
Hey, though.
211
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,530
Oh, my God. You look so much like
my friend Becca.
212
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:14,606
Are you guys in line to take pictures
with the leprechaun?
213
00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:16,370
-No.
-Five dollars.
214
00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:17,370
Wait, what?
215
00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:20,873
Yes, we are the leprechaun's
McAgent and McManager.
216
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:23,205
It'll be five dollars to take
a selfie with the leprechaun.
217
00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:24,331
That is a great deal.
218
00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:28,378
Max, I am not doing this.
219
00:10:28,544 --> 00:10:32,304
Fine. Then we'll have to use the
cupcake money for our cab home.
220
00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:34,883
Okay, that there
is virgin leprechaun.
221
00:10:35,052 --> 00:10:36,682
So it's ten dollars.
222
00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:39,812
Ten for a picture, 15 for a kiss,
nothing below the waist.
223
00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:42,521
That's because there's
nothing below the waist.
224
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,642
Will you take a 20?
225
00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:46,269
I mean, I guess.
226
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:52,532
Just so you know,
if you're an orphan, I'm interested.
227
00:10:56,365 --> 00:10:58,445
Are you over here
making money off of me,
228
00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,275
you wolves of Wall Street?
229
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,249
We're just taking advantage
of drunk people.
230
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:04,751
It's a St. Paddy's tradition,
231
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:07,253
like corned beef or punching a cop.
232
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:11,247
Well, then maybe you can get
them to take advantage of me.
233
00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:14,631
Get a little handsy on Han-sy.
234
00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:17,088
I've got my eye
on that buxom paralegal.
235
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:21,557
The one over there who
brought in outside chicken?
236
00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:26,058
Hook daddy up!
237
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,766
So I'm going up to the woman
238
00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:30,265
who brought her own
two-liter of Coke to a bar...
239
00:11:32,109 --> 00:11:35,239
...to ask her for money to touch you.
240
00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:36,986
That's the gist.
241
00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:41,282
What's happened to my life?
Where am I?
242
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,119
Blarney's!
243
00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:45,575
-Oh, God, it's Blarney Bill.
-Hey, that's my name!
244
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:48,168
-Where's me kiss?
-Oh, well, I--
245
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,460
I have to go to the ladies' room
246
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,298
and wash whatever
is on my mouth and in my mouth
247
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:55,632
off my mouth
and out of my mouth.
248
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:01,394
We've been in this line so long,
now I actually have to pee.
249
00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:04,353
Max, are you eating chicken?
250
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,225
She didn't have
ten bucks to tickle Han,
251
00:12:07,351 --> 00:12:09,521
so she paid me in purse chicken.
252
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:12,272
I think I came out ahead.
253
00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:16,614
Sorry, back of the line.
No cuts.
254
00:12:16,735 --> 00:12:18,445
Please. I'm feeling sick.
255
00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:22,082
Sorry, no cuts,
no buts, no coconuts.
256
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,830
Is that one of those
famous Irish poems too?
257
00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,292
I totally understand.
Yeah, I get it.
258
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:29,793
Just let her cut.
It's St. Patrick's Day.
259
00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:31,035
She's having fun.
260
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:33,835
Not to bring up my St. Patrick's Day
tradition at The Plaza--
261
00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:35,344
Oh, good.
262
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,843
But it was so much better
than this place.
263
00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:39,506
I mean, there were no lines.
264
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:43,432
We'd sit like non-animals in
The Palm Court and sip Bellinis.
265
00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:46,314
I'm taking you to palm court
if you tell that story one more time.
266
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,270
Guys.
267
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,194
I just threw up.
268
00:12:56,610 --> 00:13:00,820
And you're carrying it around
like a baby chick?
269
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:03,027
I--I think I'm gonna need some water.
270
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,910
I have to drive
a school bus in four hours.
271
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,955
You're a great American.
272
00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:13,381
I know what I am.
273
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:15,588
(BILL SHOUTING)
274
00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:19,546
-Where's me kiss?
-She has it.
275
00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:23,389
Dodged a bullet.
276
00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:33,057
Bullet found you.
277
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,824
Come on. I have to find
another bathroom.
278
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,738
I'm not peeing
anywhere near Blarney Bill.
279
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:49,498
I don't want him to find "me kiss"
when I have me pants down.
280
00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:53,251
I gave him your number.
Is that cool?
281
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:56,455
Oh, no. I don't think
I'm gonna make it.
282
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:59,206
You mean in life?
Yeah, me neither.
283
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,838
No, it's all that green beer.
284
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:04,636
And if I wet myself
here on 53rd Street,
285
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,720
I'll be forced to abandon you,
move to the Midwest,
286
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,306
and start a new life.
287
00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:10,601
I have a bathroom you can use.
288
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:13,103
Wait. Sorry, there's
a little chicken in it.
289
00:14:14,895 --> 00:14:17,355
I've hit some very
low points today,
290
00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:20,651
but I'm not about to pee
through a paper penis in public.
291
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:23,947
Here, quick, just pop-a-squat
over here behind the float,
292
00:14:24,114 --> 00:14:25,624
(BAND PLAYING)
I'll block you so no one will see,
293
00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:27,330
and the 15 high school
marching bands will
294
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:29,790
mask the sound of you
hitting rock bottom.
295
00:14:29,911 --> 00:14:32,211
Gimme that thing.
296
00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:33,460
Damn it, Max. Damn it!
297
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,291
How do I do this?
298
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:39,247
Well, I do have my master's
in public urination from DeVry.
299
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,759
Just unzip, put it in your pants,
and let a river run through it.
300
00:14:42,881 --> 00:14:45,181
-No one's looking, right?
-Nope.
301
00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:46,392
(ENGINE STARTS UP)
302
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,479
(POLISH ACCENT) Hi, Caroline.
303
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:59,315
Sophie, you were in the parade?
304
00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:00,941
Of course I was.
305
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,687
You can't be a volunteer firefighter
306
00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:04,698
without being in the parade.
307
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:07,121
You're a volunteer firefighter?
308
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:11,120
Well, I do go down
to the station voluntarily.
309
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:14,655
Besides, every
fire station needs a Pole,
310
00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:16,748
and I'm it, baby.
311
00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:19,335
Anyway, we're all going to Blarney's.
312
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:20,631
Shots on me.
313
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:24,514
And by that I mean shots on me.
314
00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:25,923
(CHEERING)
315
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,427
Come on.
316
00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,800
When the firemen's Pole
offers you drinks, you say yes.
317
00:15:30,929 --> 00:15:33,179
Max, I am not going back in there.
318
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:36,020
In fact, I'm treating you
to a drink at The Plaza.
319
00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:38,146
You know that money we were
saving for our funeral?
320
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:42,020
That's no longer an issue
because I just died right there.
321
00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:43,652
Rest in pee, Caroline.
322
00:15:50,325 --> 00:15:52,115
Look, Max, our Bellinis.
323
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,253
Thank you, Claude.
324
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:57,040
He's a Plaza institution.
325
00:15:57,206 --> 00:16:00,166
And I just remembered
his name is Rolf.
326
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:01,923
You forgot the name Rolf?
327
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,554
After we just saw
a girl do that in her hands?
328
00:16:04,673 --> 00:16:06,303
Isn't it lovely here?
329
00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:09,183
Less Blarney's, more Barney's.
330
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,222
And trust me,
these Bellinis are famous.
331
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:14,638
Why? Did they make a sex tape?
332
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:16,475
Kind of tastes like the time
333
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,310
I put canned peaches
in my boxed wine.
334
00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:23,477
Max, a Plaza Bellini
is a far cry from boxed wine.
335
00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:27,947
Well, my rule is, if I have
to refrigerate it, it's fancy.
336
00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:31,831
I'm talkin' to you, batteries.
337
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:35,118
You know,
tonight is really bringing up
338
00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:36,575
how much I miss the old me.
339
00:16:36,705 --> 00:16:40,625
Yeah, tonight is really bringing up
how much I miss my friend Archie.
340
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:42,000
Who?
341
00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:44,086
The guy you hit
with the champagne balloons.
342
00:16:44,254 --> 00:16:46,304
Sells car seat covers
in Rhode Island.
343
00:16:46,423 --> 00:16:48,553
You know how I said
he was doing really well?
344
00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:50,554
Truth is I haven't talked
to him in a year.
345
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,347
Really dropped the ball.
346
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:56,731
And the most exciting thing
about this place...
347
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,680
Those elevator doors can open,
348
00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:00,939
and you never know
who's gonna step off.
349
00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:02,187
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
350
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:10,608
Max, this is nice.
351
00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:14,950
Max, this is boring.
What happened?
352
00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:17,286
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
353
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:20,963
Now I'm thinking maybe this wasn't
as much fun as I thought it was.
354
00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:23,294
Now I'm thinking Archie's dead.
355
00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:28,505
Because I feel like I got
a text about it and ignored it.
356
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,682
Even this Bellini
doesn't taste as good.
357
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:35,101
I knew it, my taste buds
must have committed suicide
358
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:38,141
after my first 7-Eleven sushi.
359
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,142
I mean, nothing is the same.
360
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,099
Why did I think this was fun?
361
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:47,149
Because before you met me,
you didn't know what fun was.
362
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:48,775
I get your point, Max,
363
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:51,702
but I did own a Caribbean Island
with six jet skis.
364
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:54,990
Oh, come on, get over it.
Drink up. It's not that bad.
365
00:17:55,115 --> 00:17:56,655
Can you just let me feel sad?
366
00:17:56,785 --> 00:18:00,195
No!
Not on St. Patrick's Day.
367
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:03,459
You have a good time, and you
don't think about your problems.
368
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,343
That girl who threw up in her hands,
369
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,960
she didn't sit around saying,
"Eh, meh, my life sucks."
370
00:18:08,086 --> 00:18:10,046
No, she threw her hands in the air,
371
00:18:10,173 --> 00:18:12,093
hit a lot of people with the vomit,
372
00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:15,347
and kept the party going.
373
00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:18,560
Yeah, the party was
all over everybody's shoes.
374
00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:21,891
Look, it doesn't matter
that this is literally
375
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:25,188
the stupidest place I've ever
been in my whole frickin' life.
376
00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:27,645
Let's get another 40 dollar
Roberto Benigni
377
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,323
and keep our party going.
378
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:32,742
Come on, let's go.
There's no party here.
379
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:35,032
There may be a three million dollar
bat mitzvah happening upstairs,
380
00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:36,195
but there's no party here.
381
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,615
But I do know where there is one.
382
00:18:37,741 --> 00:18:40,201
We'll just take the check, Rolf.
383
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,619
And I just remembered,
his name is Dennis.
384
00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:46,333
(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING
IN BACKGROUND)
385
00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:49,296
Max, I'm sorry if I rained
on your parade today.
386
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:50,418
Well, peed on it.
387
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:52,257
Don't worry about it.
388
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:55,218
Everything that means
something to me gets peed on.
389
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:57,554
Hey, girls!
I heard you left!
390
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:01,720
You missed me winning
the hula-hooping contest.
391
00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:03,769
When did you learn how to hula-hoop?
392
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:07,313
Once again, I do not know.
393
00:19:07,689 --> 00:19:10,649
You're still rocking
the bagpipe ensemble.
394
00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:12,822
I thought you wanted to keep
your skirt wearing on the low-low.
395
00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:15,783
That was before I discovered
the sensation
396
00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:20,244
of a cool breeze circling
my bag and my pipe.
397
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:25,413
Hey! Max, Caroline!
398
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,922
Excuse me, move it.
Move it. Move it.
399
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:31,094
Hey, move it.
Wanna break my big-ass clover?
400
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:34,513
Girls, where did you go?
401
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:37,092
We went to The Plaza,
and I realized my life
402
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:39,599
may actually be richer now
than when I was rich.
403
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:43,601
Oh, no.
Is it too late to walk away?
404
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,399
Can you girls loan me some cash?
405
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,440
I met a girl, and I need
money for the bus back
406
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:53,572
from her sister's condo
in Jersey City.
407
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:57,572
She said we've got to be quiet,
but I'm making no promises.
408
00:19:57,697 --> 00:20:00,447
Sure. I gotcha, Han.
What do you need, a 20?
409
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:03,116
Oh, what the hell? Take 50.
We can always make more.
410
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:04,493
Or not.
411
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,367
Look at you throwing
the cash around.
412
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:08,830
You know, girl, there might
be hope for you yet.
413
00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:11,458
Jeanine, I'm good to go.
414
00:20:14,212 --> 00:20:16,472
Told you, girls.
A 100 percent.
415
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:24,270
Looks like they're both
gonna get unlucky tonight.
416
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:27,480
Hey, Max, Caroline, over here!
417
00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:29,652
I saved you a couple of seats.
418
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:31,561
And a couple of firemen.
419
00:20:33,982 --> 00:20:36,862
-There's no place to sit.
-Oh, you are so green.
420
00:20:38,613 --> 00:20:39,613
'Sup?
421
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,990
Happy St. Paddy's Day!
Where's me kiss?
422
00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,119
Oh, yeah...
423
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,380
(CROWD WHOOPING)
424
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:53,541
Mmm!
425
00:20:54,295 --> 00:20:56,455
Scotch and fish!
426
00:21:01,134 --> 00:21:02,554
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
427
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:28,118
(English US - SDH)
428
00:21:28,168 --> 00:21:32,718
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