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1
00:00:01,084 --> 00:00:02,594
Hey, I'm sleeping
at Deke's house tonight.
2
00:00:02,753 --> 00:00:04,553
Wink, wink, winky-wink.
3
00:00:05,214 --> 00:00:07,924
Deke's house?
You mean your boyfriend's dumpster?
4
00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:12,006
-Yeah. So I need a, uh...
-Tetanus shot?
5
00:00:13,304 --> 00:00:14,724
Higher standards?
6
00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:19,352
No, a condom. I'm about to have sex
and I want it to feel bad.
7
00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:22,692
I should have one in my purse
from the last time I had sex.
8
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,016
They had purses
the last time you had sex?
9
00:00:26,109 --> 00:00:28,649
No, we carried animal hides
tied with sticks.
10
00:00:28,821 --> 00:00:30,951
It hasn't been that long.
11
00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:34,084
Oh, here's one next to this movie
ticket stub from Precious.
12
00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:37,914
Okay, it's been that long.
13
00:00:38,621 --> 00:00:41,251
You saw Precious without a condom?
14
00:00:41,792 --> 00:00:44,802
It says,
"Best if used before September 2012."
15
00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:46,712
Just like the milk here.
16
00:00:47,298 --> 00:00:49,008
I wish I knew a guy with a condom.
17
00:00:49,633 --> 00:00:52,843
(WHISTLING)
18
00:00:55,765 --> 00:00:57,515
A man. Any man.
19
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,346
Oleg, do you happen to have...
(BELL RINGS)
20
00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:07,898
Okay, this should get you
through the night,
21
00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:12,027
but if it doesn't, you can use
this freezer bag and a rubber band.
22
00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:15,410
(THEME MUSIC)
23
00:01:15,950 --> 00:01:17,540
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
24
00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:25,495
Max, I laid out the little cups,
25
00:01:25,668 --> 00:01:27,168
so all you have to do
is fill them with coleslaw.
26
00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:31,217
Said the girl who was on
the Forbes Top Ten To Watch list.
27
00:01:31,966 --> 00:01:33,546
I can't do my side work tonight.
28
00:01:33,718 --> 00:01:35,178
Normally I'd say
it's because I'm drunk,
29
00:01:35,346 --> 00:01:38,136
but tonight it's because
my back hurts and I'm drunk.
30
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:41,232
Here, babe. I got you something that
might help your back feel better.
31
00:01:41,393 --> 00:01:42,983
A breast reduction?
32
00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:46,056
No!
33
00:01:49,026 --> 00:01:51,816
Why would you spit
in the face of God?
34
00:01:53,197 --> 00:01:56,447
Everybody, calm down.
Those aren't going anywhere.
35
00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:58,986
And if they are,
I am going with them.
36
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:02,120
I got some cooling patches
to soothe her muscles.
37
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:04,289
And when that doesn't work,
38
00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:07,417
I have another brand
called Maui Wowie.
39
00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:08,840
(BELL RINGS)
OLEG: Pick up!
40
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:11,132
-I'll see you later. Love you.
-Love you.
41
00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:13,756
Deke, breath.
What is that?
42
00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:16,425
Teriyaki beef jerky.
Why, is it bad?
43
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,307
No. Give me another hit.
44
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,185
That is delicious!
45
00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:26,517
You know it!
46
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,985
Max, since you guys are getting
serious, why not go on the pill?
47
00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:38,123
So every night you won't have to play
"What can we turn into a condom?"
48
00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:40,826
The pill is, like, 50 bucks a month.
49
00:02:40,995 --> 00:02:43,155
That's more than it costs
to raise a damn baby.
50
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:46,746
Well, your boyfriend's rich.
He can afford to pay for it.
51
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,214
Great. Now I'm a white-trash mom.
52
00:02:51,170 --> 00:02:52,630
Uh-uh. No way.
53
00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:55,008
I'm saving Deke's fortune
for more important things,
54
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,585
like Doritos Dinamita.
55
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:01,142
Pretty much the filet mignon
of corn chips.
56
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:03,354
I mean, I'd be on the pill right now,
57
00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,186
but the one man interested in me
is married,
58
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,902
so I guess
that's more of a bitter pill.
59
00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:09,442
Seriously, Max.
Think about it.
60
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,186
Fine.
Why don't guys have to take the pill?
61
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:15,649
We have to take all the pills.
Birth control, Midol, roofies.
62
00:03:18,157 --> 00:03:19,317
Bonjour, Caroline!
63
00:03:19,490 --> 00:03:22,540
Chef Nicolas.
What are you doing in the diner?
64
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,913
Oh, no. I never wanted you
to see me wearing this.
65
00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:26,919
Yeah, so be a gentleman
and take a step back
66
00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:29,591
'cause as bad as it looks,
it smells worse.
67
00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:34,167
-I think you look beautiful.
-Your wife looks beautiful!
68
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,299
Oh, yeah.
Get it, girl.
69
00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:41,894
May I see you alone
over there in the, uh...
70
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,345
I guess one would call it
a restaurant?
71
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,228
But just for a minute.
I'm working.
72
00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:49,521
-What's that smell?
-That's today's special.
73
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:50,734
Beef pot pie.
74
00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,227
Oh, it doesn't smell like beef.
75
00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:55,529
That's because it's not beef, it's
not made today and it's not special.
76
00:03:57,655 --> 00:03:58,695
Listen, Caroline.
77
00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:02,704
We have all this relationship drama
and we're not even in a relationship.
78
00:04:02,867 --> 00:04:06,157
Please get to know me better.
Come to my home for dinner.
79
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:08,748
Dinner at your home?
Just you and me?
80
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,285
How do you think your wife
would feel about that?
81
00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:12,499
We have an open relationship.
82
00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:15,709
Did you think I'm the type of man
who would have sex with another woman
83
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:17,721
without asking my wife?
84
00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:21,143
That is so American!
85
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,636
-Max?
-Why are you calling Max?
86
00:04:24,807 --> 00:04:27,017
I wanna make sure
I haven't lost my mind.
87
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,348
Nicolas said
he told his wife about me
88
00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:31,979
and she gave him permission
for us to sleep together.
89
00:04:32,146 --> 00:04:33,816
Ha! Good one!
90
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:38,606
My boss at Quiznos once told me
his wife's dying wish
91
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:40,108
was that I let him motorboat me.
92
00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:46,249
Okay, so she may have been
motorboated out of Quiznos.
93
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,791
But I am not falling for this.
94
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:50,004
Yes, I thought
you wouldn't believe me,
95
00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:52,955
so I set up a Skype call with her
from France on Friday.
96
00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:57,593
Wait, you want me to Skype
with your wife about sex?
97
00:04:57,755 --> 00:04:59,425
Am I on Dr. Phil?
98
00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:01,261
(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, everybody!
99
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:08,135
I got a new dress and it's bitchin'!
100
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:14,770
Oh. Hey, look at him.
101
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:20,647
Nobody told me
they added beefcake to the menu.
102
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:26,453
Excuse me! Beefcake has been on the
menu since I started working here.
103
00:05:28,579 --> 00:05:30,789
Wow, wow!
104
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:36,591
Finally, there's somebody
in the diner as good-looking as me.
105
00:05:39,088 --> 00:05:42,628
-Hi. I'm Sophie Kuchenski.
-Nicolas Saintcroix.
106
00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:44,008
(GASPS EXCITEDLY)
107
00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:46,472
And he's French too?
108
00:05:46,637 --> 00:05:49,177
Oh, come on!
109
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,770
I'm sorry. I was in the middle
of a conversation with Caroline.
110
00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:55,359
(MOANING)
111
00:05:58,608 --> 00:05:59,688
Who?
112
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,450
Me, the one whose feet
you're standing on.
113
00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:05,742
Oh. Oh, wait a minute.
114
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:08,038
Is this the married guy?
115
00:06:09,161 --> 00:06:11,701
Oh, girl!
116
00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:16,746
I'm gonna give you two days'
head start and then he's mine!
117
00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:25,468
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
118
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,676
Why do you care what his wife thinks
about your hair?
119
00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:30,136
You're not gonna be
sleeping with her.
120
00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:33,097
Although you'd be
a lot more interesting if you did.
121
00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:35,348
I'm not gonna
be sleeping with him either.
122
00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:38,021
And when I tell his wife that,
I wanna look good doing it.
123
00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:40,229
I have to look 20 percent
better than her.
124
00:06:40,399 --> 00:06:42,069
And since Skype
makes you look 20 percent worse,
125
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,735
I have to look 40 percent better
than I do now.
126
00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:47,657
You realize talking about math
in a hair salon
127
00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,244
is my worst nightmare, right?
128
00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:52,291
Welcome to the Tristan Evans salon.
129
00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:55,874
Hi! Hello!
We're here for the student haircut.
130
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:57,917
I'm sorry?
131
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,424
The six dollar haircuts
for poor people
132
00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:02,756
from the people who don't really know
how to cut hair yet.
133
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:06,053
Max, that's not true.
This is the Tristan Evans salon.
134
00:07:06,218 --> 00:07:08,508
I'm sure that everyone
that's enrolled here is a genius.
135
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,638
At least tell me they're gay.
136
00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:12,557
Just have a seat over there.
137
00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:14,523
I'll have somebody come up
from the hair school and--
138
00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:18,395
So loud! Hair school. Got it.
139
00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:21,114
We'll just take a seat over there
till they arrive.
140
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,898
Girl, you just sit there, relax,
141
00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:26,449
and let Jameis make this head major.
142
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:30,487
So weird 'cause I majored in head.
143
00:07:31,410 --> 00:07:33,450
Girl, you are all everything.
144
00:07:34,745 --> 00:07:35,785
(MOANING)
145
00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:38,746
That's a little cold.
I'm sorry, what was your name again?
146
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,919
Dan.
147
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:43,666
Uh-huh. Dan? So just Dan?
148
00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:46,088
You're not, like,
a Danny or a Dantrell?
149
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:50,180
Dan. I need to get conditioner.
150
00:07:51,889 --> 00:07:53,759
Damn it, Max!
I got a straight one.
151
00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,561
What makes you think he's straight?
152
00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:58,435
He keeps pushing my head down
before I'm ready.
153
00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:03,147
Is the water too warm?
154
00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:04,937
Why? Are my pants too wet?
155
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:08,452
Girl, are we in love?
156
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,990
Max, I need you to give me your gay.
157
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:16,328
Yeah, right! I'd give you
my left nut before I give you my gay.
158
00:08:17,788 --> 00:08:19,288
You weren't even gonna
get your hair done.
159
00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:22,497
Yeah, but I always wanted to know
what it felt like to get a shampoo
160
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:25,588
without a school nurse running
that tiny comb through my hair.
161
00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:29,048
Dan, I have a magazine over there
162
00:08:29,218 --> 00:08:31,928
with a photo
of a chic, piece-y, choppy bob.
163
00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,095
You can do that, right?
164
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:35,603
Sure. Piece-y bob. Got it.
165
00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:41,436
-'Sup?
-Dan, Dan, Dan!
166
00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:46,819
Okay, done.
You're ready to cut.
167
00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:52,873
Let's go. I can't risk
some discount hetero cutting my hair.
168
00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:56,450
I'll see you at home.
I'm pretty close to a hairgasm.
169
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:59,580
That should've been mine.
I haven't had a hairgasm in years.
170
00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:02,626
She hasn't had any gasm in years.
171
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:10,086
(CAROLINE GASPS)
172
00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:16,640
Oh, my God! Max, is that hair
your new form of birth control?
173
00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:20,267
You look like Dame Edna.
174
00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:22,354
That's what I asked for!
175
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,397
Hello!
176
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,240
Now my outside matches my inside
177
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,153
because I've always been
an old drag queen
178
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:34,742
trapped inside the body
of a young black girl.
179
00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:37,161
(KNOCKING)
180
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,710
Hello!
181
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:45,501
Oh, hi, Max.
Oh, I used to wear my hair like that.
182
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:48,878
I used it to smuggle cheese
and cigarettes into the prison.
183
00:09:49,965 --> 00:09:51,415
Oh, hey, Caroline.
184
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,221
Just checking.
185
00:09:53,384 --> 00:09:56,974
Still not sleeping with that
French guy that I'm sleeping with?
186
00:09:57,139 --> 00:09:59,059
Still not, Sophie.
He's married.
187
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:00,814
Well, good
188
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:04,515
'cause I'm here to talk to that wife
and throw my hoo-ha into the ring.
189
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:09,187
Yeah, I even bought myself a flat
French hat to make me more French.
190
00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:13,109
Yeah, I got me the hat 'cause I
didn't have time to grow out my pits.
191
00:10:16,033 --> 00:10:18,743
Okay, the call is in one minute.
I'll just do it from here.
192
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:21,119
I was planning to be holding
my Louis Vuitton shopping bag,
193
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:23,118
but the cat took a dump in it.
194
00:10:23,664 --> 00:10:25,384
And, Max, bring that lamp
closer to my face,
195
00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:27,292
so I don't have eight Skype chins.
196
00:10:27,461 --> 00:10:30,961
Fine, but if I get too close
to the bulb, my hair might blow up.
197
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:32,545
(SKYPE RINGING)
198
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:34,508
Here she is. Sophie, good-bye.
199
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:36,926
Oh, no, I'm not leaving, baby.
200
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:39,965
That French hottie and I
are perfect for each other.
201
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:41,679
I mean, look at me.
202
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:45,230
I'm wearing a beret.
I have a baguette.
203
00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:47,444
Bonjour, bitches!
204
00:10:49,691 --> 00:10:53,571
Okay, take a deep breath
and remember, this is ridiculous.
205
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,080
Bonjour, Caroline.
206
00:10:58,240 --> 00:10:59,830
Bonjour. You must be Juliette.
207
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,373
It is nice to meet you.
208
00:11:01,535 --> 00:11:02,785
And you as well, Juliette.
209
00:11:02,953 --> 00:11:05,123
I just want to set the record
straight about Nicolas and I.
210
00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:06,459
I am not the type of--
211
00:11:06,625 --> 00:11:10,375
Yes, you have my permission
to sleep with Nicolas. Au revoir.
212
00:11:12,547 --> 00:11:14,337
That's it? She's gone?
213
00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:17,638
I didn't even get to say
"hos before bros" in French.
214
00:11:18,427 --> 00:11:20,097
So much more to say.
215
00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:23,353
What more is there to say?
She said we could sleep with him!
216
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:30,016
No, I'm never sleeping with Nicolas,
no matter what his wife says.
217
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,190
Good, 'cause you could never
share a French guy.
218
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,359
You won't even share
your French toast.
219
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:38,872
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
220
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,703
Thanks for coming. I promise,
just one drink at Nicolas'.
221
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,328
And then we'll go to the movies.
222
00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:46,035
And Max, I can't believe you went out
with that hair in public.
223
00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:50,459
I like it. You look like
my Aunt Esther, but not as hot.
224
00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:57,926
Oh, Caroline. I see you brought Deke
and... Max's mother?
225
00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:01,800
The only thing this hair
and my mother have in common
226
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:03,601
is they're both high.
227
00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:06,095
Nicolas, I'm not staying.
228
00:12:06,268 --> 00:12:07,688
I know you went
to a lot of trouble with dinner,
229
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:10,482
so I didn't want to be rude,
but we can only stay for one drink.
230
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:11,857
God, you look beautiful.
231
00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:13,323
Maybe two drinks.
232
00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:15,442
But definitely no dinner.
233
00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:18,396
(BELCHING)
234
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:21,318
Well, that dinner
we weren't staying for was delicious.
235
00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:25,198
Yeah, we should not stay more often.
236
00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:28,158
I like your loft, man.
237
00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:31,961
It's the perfect place to live if you
like to commit really sexy crimes.
238
00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:35,551
-Well, we should go.
-No. You're not staying for dessert?
239
00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:37,053
You're breaking my heart.
240
00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:40,303
Well, maybe just one piece.
We can share it.
241
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,635
(SPEAKNG IN FRENCH)
242
00:12:43,053 --> 00:12:45,143
I thought you didn't wanna share.
243
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:49,390
He's not married to his dessert, Max,
and it's just one piece.
244
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:51,561
We're here,
so he doesn't get a piece!
245
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:56,403
You got a pretty sweet setup
for a married man who's single.
246
00:12:58,068 --> 00:13:00,028
Crème caramel au coconut cake.
247
00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:01,817
Well, it's no Fudgie the Whale.
248
00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:03,487
Thanks.
249
00:13:04,201 --> 00:13:07,701
I love to cook for friends.
Beautiful friends.
250
00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:11,040
Nicolas, just because your wife
gave me permission
251
00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:13,877
does not mean I'm gonna let you
take me over to that king-size bed,
252
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,003
with what looks like
really good sheets,
253
00:13:16,171 --> 00:13:18,261
and make love to me all night long.
254
00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:20,053
And then again that morning.
255
00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:23,047
So how's your back, Esther?
256
00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:26,140
Oh, Morty.
I have to tell you something.
257
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,226
Is it your heart?
258
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:31,640
-No, I'm on the pill.
-I know. You're on a lot of pills.
259
00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:35,727
-No, the pill-pill.
-The pill-pill-pill?
260
00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:38,609
Yeah, see?
You just pop 'em out one at a time.
261
00:13:38,777 --> 00:13:40,527
They're like Pez for sluts.
262
00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:44,620
Speaking of sluts....
263
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,250
Oh, boy, this is awkward.
264
00:13:50,413 --> 00:13:53,083
And I've testified
against half my family.
265
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:57,209
I agree, Max.
Things are a little uncomfortable.
266
00:13:57,379 --> 00:14:00,839
So why don't we just make this
as weird as possible?
267
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:03,006
Damn it! I knew he was gonna kill us!
268
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:07,135
(FRENCH MUSIC PLAYS
THROUGH STEREO)
269
00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:08,599
Tango, anyone?
270
00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:11,477
Honestly, I prefer if you kill us.
271
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,109
Okay, well, we gotta go, Esther.
272
00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:19,692
No, Morty, sit down! I'm not missing
the show. It comes with dinner.
273
00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:23,315
Tango?
Nicolas, you cannot be serious.
274
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:25,818
Oh, maybe you cannot dance, Caroline?
275
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:27,778
Can't dance?
276
00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:31,041
One summer, I taught ballroom dance
to homeless teens.
277
00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:34,328
Because when you're dancing,
you're not hungry?
278
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:44,014
Fast-forward. This is my least
favorite part of the Addams Family.
279
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,010
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
280
00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:53,807
Look at his pants.
281
00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:57,476
I know. That tango
is giving him even less ball room.
282
00:15:00,899 --> 00:15:02,899
Stay. We don't have to have sex.
283
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:05,398
-We don't?
-I promise.
284
00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:09,327
I have to go to the restroom, Max.
So do you.
285
00:15:10,659 --> 00:15:12,409
Come in, come in,
come in, come in, come in!
286
00:15:13,788 --> 00:15:16,828
-Okay, where's the coke?
-There is no coke!
287
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,880
Why would you call anyone into
a bathroom if you don't have coke?
288
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,054
That's rude!
289
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,421
No, I was just gonna talk to you.
290
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,970
Oh, then I'm definitely
gonna need coke.
291
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:28,354
Okay, look.
You are not sleeping with him.
292
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:29,890
Of course not.
293
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:32,104
But tonight I'm thinking
there's something special here.
294
00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:34,104
I mean, we talked and we laughed.
295
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,477
What is this?
"Previously On Caroline"?
296
00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:42,862
If you guys are doing blow in here
without me, I'm gonna be so pissed.
297
00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:47,987
I wish. No, Caroline wants
to have sex with Nicolas.
298
00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:49,735
Even after that tango?
299
00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:54,581
Listen, now I'm thinking I wanna
sleep over, but not have sex.
300
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,788
Is that where he puts it in,
but doesn't move it around?
301
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:02,378
That's what I do
when you're passed out.
302
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:05,219
That's what I do
when you're passed out.
303
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:09,553
Look, nothing is going in anywhere.
I just wanna get to know him better.
304
00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:12,100
You really think
you can sleep in his bed with him
305
00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:14,933
and not use his penis
as a body pillow?
306
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:18,350
Of course. I've done that with
every boy on the Upper East Side.
307
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:20,689
That's why they called me
the East Side Snuggler.
308
00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:25,359
And trust me, even though his wife
begged me to have sex with him,
309
00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:26,697
I'm not going to.
310
00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:29,280
But didn't you tell us
the whole reason you dragged us here
311
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,407
was because you were afraid
of being alone with him?
312
00:16:31,573 --> 00:16:33,953
What is this?
"Previously On Caroline"?
313
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:35,616
Look, I get it.
314
00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:38,537
And if you two really don't think I'm
capable of not having sex with him,
315
00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:41,246
then hang out for a bit
until you're sure that I'm fine.
316
00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:44,550
Fine,
but we are not staying all night.
317
00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:52,104
Here are some blankets for you,
Max and Deke.
318
00:16:52,971 --> 00:16:55,601
You can take the couch.
Caroline and I will take the bed.
319
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:58,140
Once again, our apologies.
320
00:16:58,308 --> 00:17:02,188
We are just too drunk to go.
Too drunk!
321
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,475
You did share that one glass of wine.
322
00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:06,818
Yup, we are too drunk!
323
00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:10,357
So, too drunk to walk?
324
00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:12,735
Well, I don't know.
You be the judge.
325
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,702
I am so sorry about this.
326
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:21,622
It's fine, Caroline.
I know what's going on here.
327
00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:24,460
Oh, and Nicolas, before you go,
328
00:17:24,626 --> 00:17:30,756
I just wanted to say thanks again
for the drinks, the dinner...
329
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:36,354
...the dessert, my pillow...
and Deke's pillow.
330
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:41,274
We get it, Grandma. Good night.
We'll be right over there.
331
00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:44,024
And I'll be right over here.
332
00:17:44,189 --> 00:17:47,479
Good night, sleep tight, don't let
the bedbugs have sex with you.
333
00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:52,398
Uh, you and I are gonna do it, right?
334
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,162
Oh, yeah!
Think I took my pill this morning.
335
00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:57,615
Either that or I didn't take my pill.
336
00:17:57,786 --> 00:18:01,826
Wow, Max, this is a big step that
you may or may not have taken today.
337
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,128
You know, if it's too much trouble,
we don't have to go off condoms.
338
00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:08,001
So you're the one guy in the world
who wants to still wear a condom?
339
00:18:08,171 --> 00:18:10,631
-Do you have something?
-No, it's not like that.
340
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:13,088
I'm just saying the pill
is a big commitment.
341
00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:15,724
Oh, so do you not wanna
take this step?
342
00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:18,806
Because I went to planned parenthood
and I never plan anything.
343
00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:21,483
-Max, I guess I'm just surprised--
-Hold that thought.
344
00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:24,103
-I hear nothing.
-So?
345
00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:28,399
So that's what Caroline
sounds like during sex!
346
00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:30,856
Keep talking like I'm here.
347
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:37,282
Oh, yeah, baby!
Right there! That's the spot!
348
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,160
Yeah, now slap my face with 'em!
349
00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:44,164
Well, if you were still here,
that's what I'd be saying.
350
00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:46,423
I'm sorry. I'll switch it up.
351
00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:48,924
Uh, go fish, Max!
352
00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:54,261
-Max, what are you doing?
-What are you doing?
353
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:58,474
We're fine.
We're just lying here talking.
354
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:03,097
-No, we're not. I'm really turned on.
-Why? What's he doing to you?
355
00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:06,938
It's not him, it's me.
I'm the predator here.
356
00:19:07,105 --> 00:19:09,015
You were right. You better stop me.
Get up here with us.
357
00:19:09,773 --> 00:19:11,693
I'm not getting in bed with you!
358
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:15,358
Max, just get in the bed.
359
00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:17,819
I know a Jacques-Bloc when I see one.
360
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:22,696
I am so sorry. This is silly.
I know it must be hard for you.
361
00:19:22,871 --> 00:19:24,961
Uh, not anymore.
362
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,877
You know, last night
when you and I were in bed,
363
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:35,508
I realized I guess Nicolas
is just gonna be
364
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:36,634
one of those people in my life
365
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,140
that I'm always gonna almost have sex
with, but I never will, you know?
366
00:19:40,305 --> 00:19:42,385
Yeah, like me and you.
367
00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:45,181
-Hey, Deke.
-Hey, Earl.
368
00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:47,561
Best conversation I had today.
369
00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:52,276
Max, last night I got the idea
that maybe you thought
370
00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:54,572
that I didn't wanna take
our relationship to the next level.
371
00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:56,526
What is this?
"Previously On Deke"?
372
00:19:57,238 --> 00:20:01,488
And just to prove that I do wanna go
to the next level, I got you a ring.
373
00:20:02,826 --> 00:20:05,786
Oh, my God, Max!
I'm so happy for you!
374
00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:08,214
Even though I thought
I'd be the first one to get engaged.
375
00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:09,834
I think we all thought that.
376
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,384
Deke, I don't know what
you're gonna pull out of your pocket,
377
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,376
but it better be a gun.
378
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,628
Actually,
I know you don't want a ring-ring.
379
00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:20,724
But how about a NuvaRing?
380
00:20:21,471 --> 00:20:25,021
A NuvaRing?
How did you know my size?
381
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:27,432
I can't wait to try it on.
382
00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:30,232
Well, I am not throwing you
a shower for that.
383
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:35,400
After I saw how you maybe forgot
to take your pill on day one,
384
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:38,567
and then took pills all day
just to be safe,
385
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,028
I thought you'd need a little help.
386
00:20:40,198 --> 00:20:42,778
So there, Max.
Will you not have children with me?
387
00:20:42,951 --> 00:20:44,701
You're damn right I won't.
388
00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:48,327
Oh, wait, I think these take
a couple days to work.
389
00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:50,328
Where are we gonna get
a condom for tonight?
390
00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:53,335
(WHISTLING)
391
00:21:00,343 --> 00:21:02,143
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
392
00:21:24,909 --> 00:21:26,909
(English US - SDH)
393
00:21:26,959 --> 00:21:31,509
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