All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s03e11 Life After Death

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

And... time.

Thirty-seven minutes,

we got from the apartment
to the subway

to the pastry school
in record time.

I mean, I'm not wearing a bra

and my thong
may be on backwards.

There's no wrong way
to wear a thong,

as long as it's uncomfortable.

And with you,
the bra's just for decoration.

I have to wear one
'cause you get a ticket

for not putting the kids
in a car seat.

See you in class, guys.

I gotta say good-bye
to my wife.

Did you think
I was gonna kiss you?

Yes, I'm the wife,
you're the husband,

who I caught wearing
my clothes one day,

but I don't say
anything about it.

-Morning, guys.
-Oh, hi, Bebe.

Surprised to see me, right?

Everyone always thinks I'm not
gonna make it through the night,

but here I am,
even surprised myself.

What's it like working
in an office

with someone who's about
to snap like a breadstick?

Not as much fun
as you'd think.

But Bebe's sweet,

and working here is putting you
through pastry school.

-Okay, bye.
-Bye.

-I want a divorce.
-I already filed.

(THEME MUSIC)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Hey, wife, I need five dollars to pay
for a spatula I broke yesterday.

I was having
a Gordon Ramsay moment.

I'd have sex with him,
by the way.

Why?

He'd just be yelling at you
and telling you

you're doing it wrong.

Yeah, sex.

Take it.
It's in my purse.

Yo, Bebe, you got any
extra pills you're not taking?

No, I'm taking them all.

Oh, my God, no.

What, I just wanted
one... or two.

Just to take the edge off.

I have a whipped cream
final at 3:00.

No, in the obituaries.
I know this person.

"Antonia Florentino, 80,
died peacefully in her sleep."

That's a suicide, right?

She was my nanny.

You still have a nanny?

Lucky.

She took care of me
most of my childhood.

I loved her so much.

So sorry.

That's kind of how I felt
about my old neighbor, Carla.

I mean, she didn't take care of me,
but when I was a kid,

she used to let me drink
out of her hose.

The last time I saw Antonia,
she was driving me

and a sloppy Nelly Furtado
to the Teen Choice Awards.

Oh, are we allowed
to cry at work now?

'Cause I only do it
in my car.

Max, you know
what I just realized?

This is the first time I've
been here since my nanny died.

You just said that
at Chipotle.

And then you said it again
ten minutes later,

also at Chipotle.

Show some sensitivity.

I was crying
because my nanny died,

and also because our grief
brunch was at Chipotle.

Caroline, your nanny passed?

My sympathies, sweetheart.
That's a shame.

But there is nothing better
than a black funeral.

I'm still hungover
from my grandpa's in '84.

Earl, my nanny was white.

Your nanny was white?
Child, you were rich.

Have you seen Han?

The funeral's
in Philadelphia tomorrow,

and I need the day off.

Well, I think I saw him earlier,
but then again,

it might have been a cat.

Hey, we both need the day off.

I'm going with you
for moral support,

slash, my first cheese steak,

slash, I want to ride
the Liberty Bell

like a wrecking ball.

I just read the craziest article
in this Popular Science

about white dwarfs,
black holes, and Uranus.

Oh, no.
Let me start over.

Han, we need tomorrow off.
My nanny died.

-She was like a mother to me.
-But she was not your mother.

And diner rules clearly state
you can only take off

for the death
of a family member.

Well, the rules also say

"No drinking
on the job," but, uh....

(CAN OPENS)

Okay, yes, you can go.

Because in my culture,
it's important to honor the elderly.

I shared a bunk bed with
a 97-year-old till I was 22.

Were you on the top
or the bottom?

No, I was always the bottom.

Oh, no.
Let me start over.

(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, Caroline.

I got your nanny
death text.

So, I'm wearing black
out of respect.

And also,
I got my period.

Thanks, Sophie,
that's lovely.

It is, which part?

You know, back in Poland
when my nanny died,

I was so heartbroken,
I could barely eat her.

You ate your dead nanny?

Well, a goat's a goat.

It doesn't matter
what you name it.

It's still good goat meat.

All right, I'll be in my booth.

I'm going to order a tuna melt
and three Midol, please.

Wait, how are we
gonna get there?

Oh, Bebe said she had a car,
we can just ask her.

I don't want to get
in a car with her.

I don't even want to get
in a conversation with her.

I can drive you.

We just have to stop
at my sister's in Bucks County,

pick up an unmarked package,
and swing by Connecticut

to drop it off.

Oleg, is there anything illegal
about this delivery?

No, it's just some shoes...

stuffed with cocaine.

Also the shoes
are made of hashish.

I'll call Bebe.

Okay, but I'm sitting
in the back

'cause I don't want
the crazy to get on me.

Bebe, I can't thank you enough
for driving us to the funeral.

We're only going 20.
You can go faster if you want.

Yeah, we just got
passed by a tree.

And I'm especially thrilled
your nervous cocker spaniel

with gas and hot spots
got to join us.

Okay, now you're going 100.
(CHUCKLES)

We can go slower
if you want.

Sorry.
Extremes, that's my thing.

One time I moved
to Tokyo for a day.

Max, it just hit me again.

I know.
It's like she feeds him broccoli.

No, that Antonia
is really dead.

Well, the good news is,
according to Yelp,

she's dead about two blocks
from the famous

Philly cheese steak place.

-Max, show some respect.
-Well, I didn't know her.

In fact, I only know her
as the lady who brought me

and cheese steaks together.

Even though we've never met,
it'll mean so much

to Antonia's family that I came
out of respect.

It'll mean so much
to my therapist that I left

my safe zone and only brought
one of the dogs.

Max, do you think,
in addition to my eulogy,

I should read something
from my childhood journal?

I don't, but I think
you're gonna do it anyway.

"Christmas morning, 1997.

Antonia woke me up
with a cup of hot cocoa

and my favorite
peppermint stick,

and then we opened presents."

Christmas morning, 1997.

I threw cold water
on my mother's face.

New Year's day,
still no movement.

Aw.

This is the only picture
I still have of us.

It was our first
Halloween together.

I was four.

Look at that cute little baby
chick costume she made me.

Peep-peep.

-Aw, so cute.
-Car.

I never had
a Halloween costume.

I used to put my hair
in a messy bun

and stumble from door-to-door
telling people I was my mother.

This Halloween,
I went as my doctor, Michael.

And I dressed up my buddy here
as his lover, Joseph.

We lost.

Antonia was always
there for me.

Halloween, Christmas, Easter,
every holiday.

Really, every day.

She was really like
a mother to me.

Where was your real mother?

Hey, what kind of dog is that?
I mean, besides sad?

Her mother had an affair,
got pushed out.

That's her hot spot,
so don't lick it.

It's okay, Max,
I don't need any protection.

You don't need protection?

Who are you, every guy
I've ever dated?

Bebe, yes, my mother
was unfaithful to my father,

so she was sent away.

But I had Antonia,
and she took care of me.

She was my family.

That must have been hard.
Everybody needs a mother.

I'd be crazy
without my mother.

She drives me
to all my appointments.

But you drive.

Yeah...

But I'm not supposed to.

It's okay I asked Bebe
to wait in the car, right?

I mean, she'll be okay.
We cracked a window.

Yeah, and she's got a bowl
and a chew-toy.

Come on, let's sign in.

Max, I have to keep it together
when I meet the family.

I can't be all emotional.

Look, my hand's shaking.
This is terrible.

(COUGHS)

What?
It was a terrible signature.

And there were only five
other names on the page.

Get rid of it.

"Get rid of it"?

Who are you, every guy
I've ever dated?

Caroline Channing.

Here, Max.

Oh, look.

The flowers and everything
are so beautiful.

There you go.

You signed
"Phil E. Cheesesteak"?

You told me not
to mention it anymore,

so it's just a reminder.

Okay, Max, there are
gonna be a lot of people

who will want my attention,
so please be patient

and stand next to me for
the occasional supportive lean.

And if someone starts
to get too weepy,

push them out of the way because
I can't get tears on this dress.

It has to be back
at Barneys by 9:00 AM.

-You're here.
-Here we go, Max.

(SOBBING)

I was talking to him.

Of course you were.
It's a very sad day for us all.

That was rough!

Oh.

Max, look.
This is Antonia.

-Wow. She looks really nice.
-She was.

I didn't know she was
in the military.

But it does explain those
fabulous bed sheet corners.

Wait, you didn't know
your nanny was a marine?

That's too bad,
'cause I'd be all,

"Yo, other little rich kid,
my nanny can snap your neck!"

Oh, look, there are her sisters,
Cecelia and Angela,

and there are her nieces
and nephews.

And there is... not me anywhere.

You know, my picture
must be in the coffin

with the other VIPs.

If you're a VIP, can we get
some bottle service?

Good afternoon, ladies.
I'm Anthony.

Antonia's nephew.

It's sad day, huh?

Yes, it is.

Oh. Think I just got
a little less sad.

Oh! Anthony!

Stop.
We're family.

I'm Caroline Channing.

You're Caroline "Hot,"
is all I know.

You ladies need cash envelopes
or you guys cool?

I always need
a cash envelope.

I'm sorry,
envelopes for what?

Well, at Italian wakes,
the mourners give the family

a donation after they view
the deceased.

So, it's pay-per-view?

That was a good one.

Hey, you want to go
get a pop later?

We're leaving right after,
but, yes, Anthony, thank you.

We'll take an envelope.

The body's right through there.

Go right ahead.

Anthony, stop.

I'm really nervous.

I've never seen
a dead body before.

I've seen a bunch.

A couple of them
were my fault.

I don't have any cash.
Do you have any money?

Let me check my wallet.

This is a real Ziploc,
not one of those knock-offs.

Make sure you seal
the envelope,

so people think
it's all quarters.

Max, we're next.
I'm afraid. Hold my hand.

Hold hands?

What are we, on a Christian Mingle
fifth date?

Please, Max.
I'm nervous.

-Oh, God.
-Thank you.

Okay, now give it back.

What? That was just
my longest relationship.

Plus, I need it to put
this change in the envelope.

Oh, she looks so peaceful.

Hi, Antonia.
It's me, Caroline.

Should I kiss her?

The family is right
there watching.

-The lady before us kissed her.
-Go for it.

Doesn't look like
she'd bite you.

Okay, on the count of three.

One, two...

No, Max, hold my hand again
while I...

What do we do?

Wait, leave it!

We were giving it
to them anyway.

Not all of it.
That's our cheese steak money.

Leave it. Come on.

I am so, so sorry
about that.

My nerves got the best of me.
You understand.

-I'm Cecelia, Antonia's--
-Sister, I know.

I see the resemblance.

I'm Caroline.

Caroline who?

Oh. Caroline Channing.

Caroline Channing who?

You're having
a hard time processing.

Understandable.

It's been a very emotional day
for us all.

Who is this girl?

You, I feel like
I've seen somewhere.

Are you Ricky's girl
from Rochester?

I could be.
What's in it for me?

Antonia used to take care of me
when I was little.

Oh, Antonia
was your babysitter.

Very nice of you to come.

Well, she was hardly
my babysitter.

She took care of me
every day for ten years.

Caroline.
Caroline Channing.

I'm sorry, but I don't know
who you are, sweetheart,

though it seems to be
what you're hammering me about.

If you'll excuse me,
I need a cigarette.

And then I got to remove

some of those pennies off
of my sister.

It's a coffin,
not a wishing well.

This funeral turned out
to be very depressing.

Well, yeah.

Dead body in the room,
generally a buzz-kill.

Unless it's an Irish wake,

then you're playing beer pong
off the coffin.

No, I mean, how is it possible
that the family doesn't know me?

Did Antonia never even
mention me?

Let's focus on the positive.
Anthony really liked your ass.

I know what Antonia
and I had.

This is what we had.

Peep-peep.
That's what we had.

Well, that's a lot.

But I guess no one in this
family wants to admit that,

and it's a shame too,
because I had a great eulogy.

-You do?
-Yes. I do.

Would you like me
to share it with you?

-I most certainly would.
-Oh!

You are not seriously
eulogy-bombing

that old lady, are you?

She asked me
about my great eulogy.

She's 100,

she probably thought you said
you had a great urologist.

Do you have a pen?

I'm getting the name
of her doctor.

No, ma'am, I didn't say,
"urologist."

I said, "eulogy."
A great eulogy.

Why would you give
the eulogy?

Because I'm Caroline Channing.

Who?

Caroline Channing.

Caroline Channing?

Antonia was my nanny.

My family was rich, but then
my father robbed everyone,

and we became
the scourge of society,

overshadowed a little bit

by Mel Gibson hating the Jews
that same week.

Surely, you remember?

Honey, I don't even remember
how I got here.

I can't believe this.

I constructed my entire
"happy" childhood

on the fact that
even though my mom left

and apparently didn't love me,
Antonia did.

And now I get here
and I realize no one loved me,

I was just a paycheck.

One of the many kids
she babysat.

I don't even know
why I bothered to come.

I'm gonna go to the restroom
and then we can just leave.

Excuse me. Hi.

Max, Ricky's girl.

Ahem. I know this is
a hard time for you,

but it's a hard time
for my friend as well.

And even though
you never heard of her,

I was wondering if you could
just go over there,

and say you just
remembered her,

and that Antonia talked
about her all the time?

I know it's a 180 on your
original story and a lie,

and I'd offer to pay you
for your trouble,

but my 401K is laying in that
box on top of your sister.

Look, I only permitted
you two to stay

'cause your Ricky
was so nice to Uncle Joe

when he fell off the roof
last year.

But now, you gotta go.

Okay.

Be that way.

But don't expect Ricky
to pick up Uncle Joe

for dialysis.

Max, what are you doing?

The family asked me
to put it up.

They just remembered you.

Oh, my God.

I'm so pathetic, you have
to put up my picture

to make me feel better?

In a way, yes.

It belongs up there.

Who wouldn't want
to know that kid?

Nice to meet you, Antonia.
Please don't haunt us.

Now, let's hit the road and get
some freaking cheese steaks!

Max, please take that down.
It's so embarrassing.

Nobody here knows
anything about me.

They didn't know me either, chicken.

Hey, who you callin' chicken?

Me. That was Antonia's
nickname for me.

-You know who I am?
-Of course, I do.

Antonia's little chick,
her peep.

She loved you.

And she loved making you
that costume.

Took the whole kitchen table up
with all those sequins...

But she knew you deserved
to sparkle.

She loved you so much,
I couldn't even begin to complain.

I'm so sorry.
What was your name?

I'm Meg O'Hara.
I was her roommate.

And lover.

We were together 30 years.

BOTH: The military!

I know, right?

I mean, come on.

That's me with my arm
around her on that tank.

And the family
still had no clue.

Vintage lez, very cool.

I know Toni would have
wanted you to have these.

Oh, thanks for coming, chicken.

You're probably
the only person in the world

who loved her as purely
as I did.

Max, look.

Christmas.

And my birthday.

And the Teen Choice Awards.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

Philly cheese steaks
for everybody!

And you really haven't lived

until you've driven
two hours in a Chevy

with nine cheese steaks
and a gassy animal.

What?
I ate mine in the car.

Hey, Earl, you missed
one hell of a funeral.

You should have come.

There were some
hot octogenarians,

and I got a definite
jungle fever vibe

from one of them.

Girl, at my age, you don't go
anywhere near funerals.

You accidentally doze off,

you spend six hours digging
yourself out of the ground.

Hey, how you
holding up, chicken?

I'm okay. Thanks.

And Max, when I die,

I don't care who else
is at my funeral,

as long as you're there.

Of course, I'll be there.

The murderer always shows up
to throw off the cops.

Also, save the money
on a casket

and just toss me in a hole
wearing Dior and a smokey eye.

Unless I'm fat,
then burn me.

Well, I don't want a funeral.

When I die, just shove
my corpse into a cannon

and blow me directly
into the Trump Casino.

(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

(English US - SDH)

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