All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s02e18 Not So Sweet Charity

Max, look, the mailman came.

Where am I looking, your chest,
your hair? Give me a hint.

It's here, our eviction notice.

It's amazing you can send
this much shame for just 46 cents.

What, you miss three out of six months
and you're out?

We're batting .500.
That's Hall of Fame stuff right there.

Hi, girls.

I just stopped by to get a cupcake
to eat on the way to the gym.

Here, have a seat.
I'll get you your usual.

Max, where are
the lemon meringue cupcakes?

Stopped making them.

And the fudge berries
and the purple velvets.

We have so many left over every day,
the homeless lady I give them to was like:

"Girl, your shop in trouble, ain't it?"

So, what, you think we should take
business advice from a woman...

...who thinks our nation's currency
should be the McNugget?

She makes a good point.

Uh-oh. I think it's getting a little too real
in here for me.

I'm gonna go push up my boobs
and glue my tooth back on.

Ugh. What are we gonna do about this?

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

Oh, you ripped up an eviction notice.

That's the one thing my mother and I
used to do together.

Max, I know our shop's in trouble.
It's all I think about.

Even in my sexual fantasies,
I'm giving Ryan Gosling a rent check.

I just wish we had a sign
that told us what to do.

See? Customers.

That's a sign to stay open.
Here, pretend to be busy.

We'll send those right out.
Thank you for calling, Oprah.

Hi, I'm Joanne Morse.

I wish I was rich enough
to have somebody talk for me.

-Max, are you blind? She's deaf.
-Oh.

So cool. I've wanted to be deaf
ever since she moved in.

I'm a representative from
Tenner Commercial Real Estate.

We're acquiring this property and we'd
like to offer you a corporate buyout.

I understood that better
when she said it.

Thank you very much
but we're not interested.

I speak a little sign language.

You just said, "Thank you very much
but I'm not wearing underwear."

I knew that tutor
was screwing with me.

And I'm the one
not wearing underwear.

We're ready to offer you $25,000
to take over your lease.

Hell yes, bitch.

Max, no. What are you doing?
This shop is our dream.

Well, our dream is turning
into a nightmare...

...and no one's coming to wake us up.

This is our future.
I'm sorry, thank you very much...

...but we're gonna pass.
Our business is booming.

Oh, yeah, look at him.

Yeah.

Come on and vogue. Yes.

Yeah, dance to the music.

Yeah.

Remember when Madonna was alive?

Those were the good old days.

We'll give you some time
to think about it.

But with your delinquent rent history,
if you stay...

...we would need six months' rent
up front, so I'd take the $25,000.

It's a good deal.

Twenty-five thousand dollars?

Hey, hey, hey. Uh....

We call you. Yes? All right.

Sophie, it's none of your business.
This is our decision.

You said you were looking for a sign.

What's more of a sign
than sign language?

No. End of story.

I would not sell this shop
for all the McNuggets in the world.

I believe in our dream...

...and it does not end with an offer
from the deaf real estate jam.

Women, am I right? Ha-ha.

Earl, I need some advice.

Caroline and I were offered money
to buy out the cupcake store...

...and as my spirit animal,
Kenny Rogers, once asked:

"When do you hold them
and when do you fold them?"

Well, Max, there are two things in life
you've got to hold on to...

...your dreams and your receipt
when you're leaving Best Buy.

Oh, you do not want to be a black man
without a receipt. Mm-mm.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Did you just give me
the cold shoulder?

I've been doing that for a year and a half
and you finally got it.

I'm sorry for storming out earlier
but we just can't give it up that easy.

I can, and have, and will again.

Maybe it's better
if we just get out now.

I heard a customer saying
a Whole Foods is going in there.

You know who goes to Whole Foods?

Rich ladies
with those freaky toe sneakers.

And I cannot be seeing
no freaky toe sneakers.

Whole Foods?

That's the sign I've been looking for.
No wonder they wanted to get rid of us.

With Whole Foods there,
they can raise everybody's rent.

-That's fine, we don't pay it anyway.
-Oh....

I knew it was gonna be the hot,
new neighborhood. I knew it. This is it.

First comes Whole Foods,
then the gays, then the celebrities.

Well, the gays will come anyway
as long as there's a park.

Seriously, it's just a matter of time
before we're telling Anne Hathaway:

"Forget that fake smile and just go
wait in line like everybody else." Ha-ha.

Han, they're opening up a Whole Foods
right near our cupcake shop.

Another Whole Foods.

They won't be happy
till it's whole country, am I right?

(BELL DINGS)

I saw that on a meme.

Now we have to stay
in that neighborhood.

We just have to come up
with six months' rent up front.

Well, I'd love to help you, ladies,
but I forgot my PIN number in 2008.

Wait a minute, 2008,
that's my PIN number.

You want my money?

"Ermahgerd."

I've been looking at a lot of memes.

Oh, that's who you look like.
Grumpy Cat.

Max, I know we've borrowed
from everyone we know...

...but I'm so convinced
that this is the right thing...

...that I'm willing to stoop
to something I never thought I'd do.

Look, you're sweet
and you're adorable...

...but you're way too bony
to bring in more than 40 a night.

And even if you got an animal sidekick,
it's still not gonna get us there.

It would get me there.

We make an appointment, go to the city
and ask my Aunt Charity for the money.

She's president of a cosmetic empire
and she's filthy rich.

And how is she literally the only thing
you've never talked about?

Because she hates me.

That's what family is.

People who hate you
but can't kill you...

...because they're the first ones
questioned.

I'm surprised you're still waiting.

Most people leave after two hours.

It's not a problem for us.
We'll wait two hours, three, a whole day.

That sounds about right.

(INTERCOM BEEPS)

CHARITY: Stephanie?
-Coming.

That's not my name.

But I'm afraid to tell her.

So why doesn't your aunt like you?

I don't know. She just doesn't like me.

For example, when I was 10 and we were
at our Hamptons beach house--

I already don't like you.

I wanted my night-night cocoa
in my special seagull mug--

-Now I hate you.
-My Aunt Charity, who was babysitting--

Everybody else was in Europe
at the dressage competition.

Now I've beat you up
and left you for dead.

--told me my seagull cup was broken,
and I knew it wasn't...

...and when I wouldn't stop crying,
she locked me in my bedroom...

...and when the servants weren't looking,
pulled my hair.

Love her.

You can go in now.

It's not that big a deal, Kevin.

We're launching a lipstick at Target,
not a missile at Iran.

Aunt Charity, hi.

Caroline, look at you.

Gorgeous, beautiful.

You stuck with that nose,
good for you.

Who's this with the great lips?

Aunt Charity, this is my friend
and business partner, Max.

Nice to meet you.
Did she tell you I pulled her hair?

Ugh. It was legend
around the family townhouse.

My brother came into my room:

"Did you pull my princess's hair?
She said you pulled her hair."

Come on. She's 10, I'm 23. What, I'm just
gonna reach up and pull her hair?

-I mean, how would that happen?
-Ow.

-I mean, who would just pull a child's hair?
-Ow.

I mean, come on,
I'm gonna pull her hair?

-Ow. Ow. Ow. Okay, you just pulled my hair.
-Pull her hair. Pull her hair.

Oh, my God, here we go again.
Get the lawyers.

Come on, have a seat.

Have a seat in the big-girl chair.
You're a big girl now.

Aunt Charity,
thank you so much for seeing us.

I know your time is valuable.

I have all the time in the world for you,
you're family.

Stephanie,
I'm not doing anything important.

Bring me those documents to sign.

I haven't seen this one since I was 25
and my parents cut me off.

You sleep with one Pakistani lesbian,
you're out of the family.

You with the big lips, try these.
Tell me which ones you hate.

Aunt Charity started
her makeup empire at 26...

...when she invented
bubblegum-flavored lip gloss.

Oh, my God, that was you?
I loved that.

I was wearing that
during my first kiss...

...and thank you
because I got an A in that class.

Every girl who loves lipstick loves me.

Except for this one, who hates me
because I was so mean...

...and I broke
her night-night cocoa cup.

Aunt Charity,
I never said you were mean.

I was 10 and I got a little confused
about what happened to my seagull cup.

But I'm an adult now.

When I go night-night,
I barely even think about that cocoa cup.

Caroline, I was 23,
I don't remember anything about a cup.

All I remember about that weekend...

...was that Versace was murdered
and my dress would obviously be late.

Now, why are you here?

Tell me. You have my full
and undivided attention.

Where and where?

Well, Aunt Charity,
as you may or may not know...

...I now have a start-up business--

Hey, is it me
or does this look like a dog penis?

She's fun. Seems professional.
Good choice.

And, as you know, I've always respected
your business acumen...

-...even when I was a little--
-How much?

-Businesswoman to businesswoman--
-I need a number. Give me a number.

-Twenty-five thousand.
-And all these lipsticks.

Including dog penis.

I'm not asking for a hand-out.

-This is a business opportunity.
-No. Maybe. No.

Look, Caroline, if this were truly
a business transaction...

...you'd have cupcakes here to show me,
but you don't.

I know all about your business.
Stephanie Googled you.

She has the strength to Google?

Has she Googled "How to eat"?

See yourselves out.

I'm going to my dermatologist
for a little procedure.

I wanna take two years off my face
just so people will think:

"Is she 38 or 39? It's so hard to tell."

But just so you know...

...you were my last chance to keep
my dream and our business alive.

You're resourceful,
you'll think of something.

Now, come here. In spite of it all,
we are family. Give me a hug.

CAROLINE:
Ow!

Wow. She's kind of a monster,
but she gave me free stuff, so I'm torn.

Aunt Charity's
a smart businesswoman.

She won't be able
to deny a good product.

I can't believe I'm making cupcakes
so you can go back for round two.

Auntie Charity might be the Antichrist.

I'll do anything
to keep our business going.

And if these cupcakes don't work...

...we'll tell her you're Pakistani
and let her go after it. Heh.

Even if you do convince her
to give us the money...

...that's bitch money,
we don't take bitch money.

Max, you pick up pennies
off the pee corner.

Not true. Dimes and up.

We'll just be a second.

-Oh, no.
-Cool hair, David Bowie.

She's definitely
not seeing anyone today.

Sorry to burst in, Aunt Charity,
but we wanted you to have our cupcakes.

(SCREAMING)

It took two layers to take off two years
but it was worth it.

Just so you know,
the third layer is bone.

Either I'm high or my chair melted.

You're high.
She's on morphine lollipops for the pain.

Really? Because I'd like to be on one
for the fun.

(SINGING)
I got that boom-boom-boom

I got that boom-boom-boom

I got that boom-boom-boom

Okay. It's time to change
your face mask.

You know what? Let me do that.
I can help my Aunt Charity.

I'll do anything
to help someone in my family...

...because families help each other.

Well, why don't you help yourself
to an adult-sized pair of boobies?

Like my boobs, like my nose.

Okay, here's the new face mask.

You peel the soiled one off,
then swab the affected area with Q-tips.

And I left modeling
because I thought it was degrading.

-Question, Stephanie.
-Yeah.

Do these come in orange or lime,
or just the white flavor?

Ah, screw it.
After a couple licks, it won't matter.

I'm happy to do this for you,
Aunt Charity.

And not just for the money
but because we're family.

I hate you.

Always have.

You can't mean that, Aunt Charity.

Up until you were born,
I was the family princess.

And then you came in
and you got the boom-boom-boom...

...and you took my boom-boom-boom.

So I locked you in a room-room-room.

Well, I'm sorry you think
I took your boom-boom-boom...

...but you really did take my seagull cup
and lock me in a room, room, room.

I'm not giving you any money, little girl.
Just so you know.

Well, maybe you'll feel differently
after you taste one of our cupcakes.

Why don't we take a minute
for a little bite?

No. I don't want it.

It'll show you what a good business
investment we are. Here, come--

Come here. Just-- Oh. Just taste it. Here.

Here, come on, taste-- Take a bite.

This is pretty disturbing.

I would intervene right now
if I wasn't feeling amazing.

Yummy, right?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no, that's your face.
I think you're chewing your face.

That is the best cupcake
I have ever had...

...but I am still not giving you
any money.

It's the least you could do
after you broke my seagull cup.

Oh, my God. Are you still talking
about that seagull cup?

I haven't thought about that
in 15 years.

If we're gonna be talking about
that stupid seagull cup...

...I'm gonna need another lollipop.

Where does she keep them?

Oh, here, they're in this cup
that has a seagull on it.

Wait. Where have I heard
seagull cup before?

That's my night-night cocoa cup.
I knew it wasn't broken.

You hid it and kept it all these years?

Yep.

Why would you wanna hurt me like that?

It's obvious.
She's obsessed with her brother...

...and she saw your being born
as his love being taken away from her.

Damn, this thing makes me smart.

I hope you're happy now...

...because I lost a lot more
than my night-night cocoa cup.

I lost my money, my father
and now I'm about to lose my dream.

You know what? We're done.

You know what? We are not done.
I am not a quitter.

I said I would put your new face on,
so I'm not leaving here until I do.

Her face is gone.

She's basically
the Phantom of the Channing.

All right, that's close enough.

And stop calling me spoiled.

Since I lost it all, I've worked hard.
I've cleaned toilets, I've killed rats...

...I've done everything I had to,
to be a success. Tell her, Max.

(SINGING) I got that boom-boom-boom
I got that boom-boom-boom

-Okay, fine. Let's go.
CHARITY: Stop.

Fine, I'll give you the money.
Not just because you're my niece...

...but because
you forced yourself in here...

...like a pushy businesswoman,
which is....

You shoved your cupcake
down my throat.

That is exactly what I would've done.

Twenty-five thousand...

...signed Charity Chann--

Oh, no. Aunt Charity,
are you all right?

And she didn't finish signing it.

Well, it's my last name too so....

--ing.

I can't get it out from under her head.

Pull her hair, now's your chance.

Ow.

Bob, I don't feel you are getting across
my passion about this, so I'll sign it.

That check should have cleared.

That time you said,
"Your face looks like a butt."

I appreciate how hard you've tried
to stay in business...

...but do the smart thing,
take the money.

Start fresh.
All you have to do is sign this.

We will have to discuss it.
My partner has a--

-Just sign it.
-Good discussion.

Caroline Chann--

Max, a little help.

--ing.

So as of this moment, this space is
no longer Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

Congratulations and good luck.

Well, there goes Joanne
and that deaf lady.

(SIGHS)

We are keeping the arrow.

I can't believe my aunt would
stop payment on that check.

And I can't believe she'd show up here
after she did.

Aunt Charity, do you know what
I'm thinking about you right now?

What? I look 38 or 39, it's hard to tell?

Oh, don't look so wounded.
You know I had to stop that check.

You took advantage of someone
in a morphine haze.

If you think that was being
taken advantage of...

...you've never blacked out
at a pep rally.

Yes, I stopped that check, but here.

This seems important to you.

Seemed. Seemed, when I was rich.

Now I have real problems.

Yeah, and where them lollipops at?

-You took away my future.
-And my lollipops.

No, Caroline, I took away my money.

By forcing you to find your own way,
I may have given you a better future.

Cute shop. Too big too soon.

You'll figure it out.

Aunt Charity?

You look 42.

We all know I don't.

The shop's over.

Wow, I thought for sure
we'd be a success.

Well, who says we're not?

I mean, we had some fun, right?
And we have a cool-ass red arrow.

And we have this big check which
is just enough to pay back Sophie...

...and everybody else
we owe money to.

That's true.
So in a way, we're kind of a success.

I mean, we did go from broke
to broke even.

We nailed it.

I just wish we had a clear-cut sign...

...that letting go of this place
was the right thing to do.

(HORN HONKING AND TIRES SCREECHING)

(SCREAMING)

Ermahgerd!

My night-night cocoa cup.

You wanted a sign? That's your sign.

No matter what hits you,
you'll be okay.

Well, I feel sorry
for whoever owns this dump.

English - US - SDH

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