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1
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,720
So.. That is all for the pictures of my mom
in Canc�n when she abandoned me
2
00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:11,680
Now let's move on to my mom in Acapulco
when she abandoned me.
3
00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,280
God, I cannot believe how good
your mom looks in a bikini.
4
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:17,920
I mean, she's approaching,
like, me...territory.
5
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:21,280
Isn't the bikini
a marvelous invention?
6
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,720
Imagine the first Aztec who said,
7
00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:26,560
"I just gotta see some more belly button,"
you know?
8
00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:28,400
Yeah, the Mexicans are
9
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,600
such a resourceful people.
10
00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:32,960
Eric, don't be so stupid.
11
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:34,880
Everyone knows the French
invented the bikini.
12
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:38,360
The Mexicans just added on the top
'cause they're catholic.
13
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,840
Another good example
of religion dividing
14
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:44,000
instead of uniting.
15
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:45,560
Does anyone want a soda?
- Yeah. - Please.
16
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,360
And F.Y.I., If God wanted
Mexican women to wear tops,
17
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,120
he wouldn't have created
tequila.
18
00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:56,240
Where the hell's Eric
with our sodas? Eric!
19
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:57,720
Maybe he ran home.
20
00:00:58,240 --> 00:00:59,840
He's kind of a mama's boy.
21
00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:01,880
Eric.
22
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:02,680
Oh, my god!
23
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:03,600
I'm busy!
24
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:07,480
Oh, my god!
25
00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:10,840
Ew! Was he
going to the bathroom?
26
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:12,880
No!
27
00:01:52,730 --> 00:01:55,530
Ok, ok, ok..
28
00:01:55,690 --> 00:01:57,530
something happened,
29
00:01:58,650 --> 00:02:01,930
and, uh, I think
it's safe to say
30
00:02:02,010 --> 00:02:04,370
that it was certainly
in the area of horrific.
31
00:02:06,930 --> 00:02:08,850
Like war...
32
00:02:09,010 --> 00:02:12,010
or when my mom sings "do you think I'm sexy?"
While she vacuums.
33
00:02:15,690 --> 00:02:16,690
What happened?
34
00:02:16,810 --> 00:02:21,090
Well, we all know that as a young man
in the prime of his life,
35
00:02:21,690 --> 00:02:23,650
I have some needs.
36
00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:26,090
Amen, brother.
37
00:02:28,210 --> 00:02:30,330
Wait a minute.
This is the prime of your life?
38
00:02:30,370 --> 00:02:33,170
You live at home with your mommy,
and you have to wear a name tag at work.
39
00:02:34,650 --> 00:02:36,210
Anyway, uh...
40
00:02:37,410 --> 00:02:40,210
today at the house
of the woman that I was...
41
00:02:40,930 --> 00:02:43,010
theoretically
going to marry,
42
00:02:43,890 --> 00:02:47,170
I had some needs that I felt it
necessary to take care of
43
00:02:47,450 --> 00:02:48,810
right then and there.
44
00:02:49,930 --> 00:02:51,410
In her house?
45
00:02:52,850 --> 00:02:55,570
Why don't you do it at the bus station
like the other degenerates?
46
00:02:56,450 --> 00:02:57,530
It's.. I..
you know,
47
00:02:57,610 --> 00:03:00,690
I don't know.
There I was. There the bathroom was.
48
00:03:02,130 --> 00:03:04,410
It was like two trains
passing in the night.
49
00:03:06,410 --> 00:03:07,930
That's beautiful.
50
00:03:10,530 --> 00:03:11,970
You know, it kinda was.
51
00:03:14,090 --> 00:03:15,650
And then Donna walked in.
52
00:03:16,490 --> 00:03:18,330
- Oh, my god!
- She didn't!
53
00:03:19,890 --> 00:03:22,850
I can't believe we're gonna visit Kelso
at the Police Academy this weekend.
54
00:03:22,850 --> 00:03:25,650
We're gonna miss the best part,
when he makes the whole thing worse.
55
00:03:27,370 --> 00:03:29,890
How could I make
this worse?
56
00:03:30,330 --> 00:03:31,970
I don't know.
57
00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:35,650
Man, it seems impossible,
but you always find a way.
58
00:03:37,330 --> 00:03:40,410
You're like the little engine who could
of screwing yourself.
59
00:03:42,170 --> 00:03:44,690
You know what? This is Donna's fault,
with her,
60
00:03:44,770 --> 00:03:47,530
you know, no more
sex till we're married crap.
61
00:03:48,130 --> 00:03:51,370
You guys have no idea how hard
it's been to have no sex at all.
62
00:03:56,850 --> 00:03:58,770
Yeah, it must be horrible.
63
00:04:01,370 --> 00:04:04,170
Seriously, you guys,
what do I do now?
64
00:04:05,170 --> 00:04:07,050
I say you gotta
pull a Nixon.
65
00:04:07,090 --> 00:04:08,930
Deny, deny, deny.
66
00:04:10,170 --> 00:04:11,810
No, you just need a good story.
67
00:04:11,890 --> 00:04:14,890
Whenever I get caught, I just tell
people that I'm checking for ticks.
68
00:04:21,250 --> 00:04:23,450
Fez, how many times
you been caught?
69
00:04:24,290 --> 00:04:27,170
Oh, come on, I'm not stopping
just because a doorknob turns.
70
00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:36,530
Whoo, man,
look at these jokers.
71
00:04:36,690 --> 00:04:39,090
Can't believe this is who
Kelso hangs out with now.
72
00:04:39,170 --> 00:04:41,810
If he doesn't dunk one of these heads
in a toilet bowl, I'm buying him a skirt.
73
00:04:44,650 --> 00:04:45,650
Fellas.
74
00:04:49,170 --> 00:04:50,810
It's good
to see you boys.
75
00:04:50,930 --> 00:04:52,490
What the hell is that?
76
00:04:52,810 --> 00:04:55,570
Oh, the 'stache.
Yeah, it's coming in nice, huh?
77
00:04:56,570 --> 00:04:58,650
That's why the call
the fuzz "the fuzz."
78
00:04:59,170 --> 00:05:01,130
They're covered in fuzz.
79
00:05:02,130 --> 00:05:04,170
Like someone threw paint
on the "Mona Lisa."
80
00:05:05,050 --> 00:05:06,890
Oh, please,
Michael Kelso is a masterpiece.
81
00:05:06,930 --> 00:05:08,170
You know it.
I know it.
82
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:12,570
Yeah, about that--
I'm going by "Mike" now.
83
00:05:12,970 --> 00:05:14,730
It's my cop name.
84
00:05:15,130 --> 00:05:16,330
But we call you "Kelso."
85
00:05:16,370 --> 00:05:18,610
Yeah, well, I'm gonna have to
ask you to call me Mike!
86
00:05:20,850 --> 00:05:23,130
As far as the 'stache goes,
I like it.
87
00:05:23,170 --> 00:05:24,810
Makes me look like
an authority figure.
88
00:05:25,810 --> 00:05:27,690
Makes you look like
a porn star.
89
00:05:29,650 --> 00:05:30,850
Either way.
90
00:05:32,850 --> 00:05:34,490
Cadet Mike.
91
00:05:34,770 --> 00:05:36,210
Officer Kennedy,
92
00:05:36,290 --> 00:05:37,770
you know
my friends Hyde and Fez.
93
00:05:37,850 --> 00:05:38,890
Yeah, I remember.
94
00:05:38,930 --> 00:05:41,770
But it seems to me their names
were trouble and maker.
95
00:05:42,770 --> 00:05:44,810
"Trouble" and "maker."
96
00:05:45,530 --> 00:05:46,730
That's clever.
97
00:05:47,930 --> 00:05:50,650
I think it's funny. They put us together,
and we're troublemakers.
98
00:05:50,690 --> 00:05:51,410
Shut up.
99
00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:57,490
I hope these two delinquents don't interfere
with the progress you've been making here, Mike.
100
00:05:57,530 --> 00:05:58,970
No, sir.
Not at all, sir.
101
00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:01,570
Well, we'll see.
I'll have my eye on you...
102
00:06:02,490 --> 00:06:03,810
on all of you.
103
00:06:05,610 --> 00:06:07,170
He's a good man.
104
00:06:07,890 --> 00:06:09,810
All right, you're really
starting to creep me out.
105
00:06:09,850 --> 00:06:11,490
Help me grab the beer
out of the car.
106
00:06:11,570 --> 00:06:14,810
I'm gonna drink until that mustache
turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.
107
00:06:15,610 --> 00:06:19,290
Sorro can do. I got K.P. In the A.M.
And P.T. In the P.M.
108
00:06:20,330 --> 00:06:22,010
Well, I don't know
what any of that means,
109
00:06:22,050 --> 00:06:24,370
but I came here to drink beer
and play with guns, damn it.
110
00:06:25,650 --> 00:06:28,530
Sorry, buddy, but we got
lights out at 22 hundsky,
111
00:06:28,610 --> 00:06:31,410
so I'm gonna have to ask you
to move along to the barracks A.S.A.P.
112
00:06:31,890 --> 00:06:33,290
Did you just
call me a "sap" ?
113
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:37,770
"ASAP"
as soon as possible.
114
00:06:38,010 --> 00:06:39,810
Well, you're a sap
right now.
115
00:06:45,050 --> 00:06:46,530
Okay, the thing is,
116
00:06:46,610 --> 00:06:47,970
I knew Eric did that,
117
00:06:48,050 --> 00:06:52,170
but knowing and seeing..
are two very different things.
118
00:06:53,010 --> 00:06:56,450
It's kind of like how I know
there are rats under the house.
119
00:06:57,170 --> 00:07:00,410
But you don't want to see the rats
diddling themselves in your bathroom.
120
00:07:00,970 --> 00:07:02,130
Exactly !
121
00:07:02,370 --> 00:07:04,370
But, Donna, you're missing
the whole point here.
122
00:07:04,450 --> 00:07:07,890
Eric's perverted behavior can be a card
you can play for the rest of your life.
123
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:10,930
Let's just say you want Eric
to buy you a diamond,
124
00:07:11,090 --> 00:07:11,930
but he says no.
125
00:07:12,370 --> 00:07:13,370
You just say,
126
00:07:13,450 --> 00:07:16,210
"why, are you busy?"
127
00:07:17,410 --> 00:07:19,410
Five minutes later,
you're Elizabeth Taylor.
128
00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:24,330
Yeah, I think I need advice from a woman
in a relationship not built on blackmail.
129
00:07:24,450 --> 00:07:26,410
It's called
a lesbian, Donna,
130
00:07:26,530 --> 00:07:28,970
and you're gonna have
to go to New York for that.
131
00:07:36,650 --> 00:07:38,890
This afternoon a cadet
named Terry hit on me,
132
00:07:38,970 --> 00:07:41,690
and it makes me nervous
when men with guns like me.
133
00:07:42,610 --> 00:07:45,410
Fez, cadet Terry is a woman.
134
00:07:45,570 --> 00:07:48,370
I know because I saw her putting
cover-up on her chin hair.
135
00:07:49,930 --> 00:07:52,530
Well, then,
hello there, cadet Terry.
136
00:07:55,770 --> 00:07:57,810
I will sit here,
137
00:07:58,490 --> 00:08:00,570
but I will not partake.
138
00:08:01,410 --> 00:08:03,570
What you're doing
is illegal,
139
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:08,010
and it could cause my mind to drift off its
main goal, which is enforcing the law.
140
00:08:08,930 --> 00:08:11,970
Now I'd like you both
to read some literature.
141
00:08:12,050 --> 00:08:16,290
In particular, let's take a look at
"be great and go straight."
142
00:08:16,410 --> 00:08:18,930
I think that one
really says it all.
143
00:08:19,050 --> 00:08:21,810
Hey, do not throw
the literature!
144
00:08:23,050 --> 00:08:23,850
Kelso..
145
00:08:24,090 --> 00:08:28,970
the fact that you're now
totally lame would make me furious if
I had the ability to feel anger right now,
146
00:08:30,130 --> 00:08:32,250
which I thankfully don't.
147
00:08:34,010 --> 00:08:35,770
I am not lame.
148
00:08:35,930 --> 00:08:37,610
I am grown-up.
149
00:08:37,730 --> 00:08:39,250
And when you grow up,
150
00:08:39,330 --> 00:08:40,890
you play by the rules,
151
00:08:41,370 --> 00:08:44,010
which is why
I am getting rid of this.
152
00:08:46,130 --> 00:08:47,730
What is he doing?
WHAT IS HE DOING ?
153
00:08:49,170 --> 00:08:51,330
Don't worry, Fez.
He's just screwing around.
154
00:08:53,170 --> 00:08:54,490
What?
155
00:08:56,210 --> 00:08:57,330
Baggie!
156
00:08:58,530 --> 00:09:01,090
Oh, no, he has broken you.
157
00:09:01,690 --> 00:09:04,130
You broke Hyde,
you son of a bitch!
158
00:09:07,610 --> 00:09:08,370
So
159
00:09:09,730 --> 00:09:12,090
do you get
what I'm saying?
160
00:09:15,330 --> 00:09:16,890
I think so.
161
00:09:17,930 --> 00:09:19,850
He was busy?
162
00:09:21,130 --> 00:09:22,290
In my house!
163
00:09:22,410 --> 00:09:24,450
I raised him
better than that!
164
00:09:24,970 --> 00:09:27,930
I know this is weird, but I don't have
anyone else to talk to.
165
00:09:27,970 --> 00:09:30,530
Really, did you call around?
I could give you some numbers.
166
00:09:31,490 --> 00:09:33,250
No, no, no, I'm sorry.
167
00:09:34,370 --> 00:09:35,410
Ok
168
00:09:36,370 --> 00:09:39,250
Okay, you and Eric
need to be able to talk about this.
169
00:09:39,330 --> 00:09:42,410
I'm sure it'll be awkward
at first, but, well, then...
170
00:09:43,370 --> 00:09:45,890
I am afraid it's just going
to be awkward all the way through.
171
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,730
So do you and red have
these kinds of conversations?
172
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,210
Oh, no, no, no, no.
173
00:09:52,410 --> 00:09:54,490
No, we don't talk
about stuff like this.
174
00:09:54,570 --> 00:09:56,890
Red can't even be naked
in a room with a mirror.
175
00:09:58,850 --> 00:09:59,370
Right.
176
00:10:00,530 --> 00:10:04,370
Well, I'm sure Eric and I will be able to talk
about this like we talk about everything,
177
00:10:04,450 --> 00:10:09,130
because that's what you do. In an open, mature
relationship, you face things head on.
178
00:10:09,690 --> 00:10:11,610
- Oh, god.
- Dirty!
179
00:10:19,790 --> 00:10:21,190
Kelso, let us in.
180
00:10:21,310 --> 00:10:24,470
No, you're gonna hit me again.
181
00:10:25,150 --> 00:10:28,390
I'm warning you, I got a C+ in billy club.
182
00:10:28,590 --> 00:10:30,270
just open the door!
183
00:10:30,470 --> 00:10:31,550
Non.
184
00:10:34,350 --> 00:10:36,390
Damn, it's unlocked.
185
00:10:37,230 --> 00:10:39,390
I guess I'm gonna have to
take you out.
186
00:10:46,990 --> 00:10:48,710
That's a nice move.
187
00:10:50,230 --> 00:10:52,590
Kelso, just relax.
188
00:10:52,910 --> 00:10:54,230
Now listen,
189
00:10:54,630 --> 00:10:55,910
we went on a walk.
190
00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:58,710
We realized you're trying to start
a new life for yourself here.
191
00:10:58,830 --> 00:11:00,150
We should be supportive.
192
00:11:00,350 --> 00:11:01,830
Really ?
193
00:11:02,590 --> 00:11:03,750
Thank you.
194
00:11:03,950 --> 00:11:06,310
No, thank you, buddy.
195
00:11:07,630 --> 00:11:09,430
We're gonna be great
and go straight.
196
00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:16,590
You ready?
197
00:11:16,750 --> 00:11:17,790
You bet I am.
198
00:11:17,950 --> 00:11:21,270
Let's see you do Q.T. In the K.P.
With this, you S.O.B.
199
00:11:29,390 --> 00:11:30,670
Morning.
200
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:32,670
Well, if it isn't casanova,
201
00:11:35,190 --> 00:11:37,990
the man who seduced himself.
202
00:11:38,910 --> 00:11:39,910
Oh, god.
203
00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:41,830
All right, hold it, hold it.
Come back here.
204
00:11:41,870 --> 00:11:42,870
Red, be nice.
205
00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:44,430
Eric, don't be embarrassed.
206
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:47,990
Now you know that you can
talk to us about anything, so
207
00:11:48,070 --> 00:11:49,470
so come on.
208
00:11:49,510 --> 00:11:50,790
Let's rap.
209
00:11:52,470 --> 00:11:55,390
When you were a baby, you had your
hands down your pants all the time.
210
00:11:57,630 --> 00:12:00,870
But that's okay, because it's natural.
Red, tell him it's natural.
211
00:12:01,390 --> 00:12:03,310
What are you, an animal?
212
00:12:04,630 --> 00:12:06,670
But why wouldn't you
lock the door?
213
00:12:07,430 --> 00:12:11,390
How could he lock the door when he's in
there pawing himself like an animal?
214
00:12:12,870 --> 00:12:16,350
You know, some people get addicted
and can't even hold down a job!
215
00:12:17,430 --> 00:12:21,070
If you can't get someone to do it
for you, you do without.
216
00:12:22,110 --> 00:12:25,670
In korea I went for
two and a half years.
217
00:12:26,030 --> 00:12:27,950
Dad, you were there for three.
218
00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,790
What are you, an animal?
219
00:12:45,990 --> 00:12:46,710
hey.
220
00:12:46,830 --> 00:12:47,990
Oh, hey.
221
00:12:49,470 --> 00:12:50,830
Hey, why'd you knock?
222
00:12:52,950 --> 00:12:54,950
You know why I knocked.
223
00:12:55,670 --> 00:12:58,430
Eric, you've been avoiding me all day.
Let's just talk about this.
224
00:12:58,630 --> 00:13:00,830
There's nothing to talk about.
225
00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:04,150
You obviously thought you saw
something that you didn't see.
226
00:13:06,710 --> 00:13:08,390
I was checking for ticks.
227
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:12,470
- Eric!
- Fine, okay, fine.
228
00:13:12,590 --> 00:13:14,670
I got caught.
I'm embarrassed.
229
00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:16,910
Let's put this behind us.
230
00:13:17,110 --> 00:13:18,310
I love you.
231
00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:20,830
Okay, great. It's behind us.
232
00:13:20,910 --> 00:13:22,070
Absolutely.
233
00:13:22,790 --> 00:13:24,670
Um, I said, "I love you."
234
00:13:28,550 --> 00:13:30,190
Don't you love me, too?
235
00:13:32,150 --> 00:13:34,070
Sure, you know.
Whatever.
236
00:13:35,990 --> 00:13:37,470
Can I have a hug?
237
00:13:39,070 --> 00:13:39,870
Fine.
238
00:13:42,910 --> 00:13:45,350
It's just, what got you
going at my house?
239
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:49,150
I mean, we were just sitting around
looking at pictures...
240
00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:58,430
of Jackie's mom.
Jackie's mom got you going?
241
00:13:58,510 --> 00:14:00,710
No! What? No!
242
00:14:02,950 --> 00:14:03,990
- Well...
- oh!
243
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:07,750
You're an animal!
244
00:14:13,790 --> 00:14:15,710
I can't wait for these
guys to see Kelso.
245
00:14:16,670 --> 00:14:18,070
I think I might be giddy.
246
00:14:19,430 --> 00:14:21,510
I know.
I feel like it's Christmas morning,
247
00:14:21,590 --> 00:14:25,270
except instead of toys,
we get to humiliate a close friend.
248
00:14:26,550 --> 00:14:28,750
Hey, Pete.
Hey, Doug.
249
00:14:32,910 --> 00:14:34,030
Hiya, boys.
250
00:14:35,230 --> 00:14:36,630
- Hi, Mike!
- Hi, Mike!
251
00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:40,110
Cadet Mike,
252
00:14:40,310 --> 00:14:42,310
I suppose you think this is funny.
253
00:14:42,390 --> 00:14:42,910
What,
254
00:14:42,990 --> 00:14:46,710
You have made a mockery of the uniform,
and I want an explanation right now.
255
00:14:46,790 --> 00:14:47,590
Shut up!
256
00:14:48,830 --> 00:14:49,990
Dismissed!
257
00:14:54,990 --> 00:14:56,110
What did you guys do to me?
258
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,430
Did you shave my head?
259
00:14:58,710 --> 00:15:01,150
Is there something on my back?
260
00:15:01,310 --> 00:15:02,430
You know what?
261
00:15:02,510 --> 00:15:04,950
You guys are totally stuck
in high school.
262
00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:08,870
I'm trying to do something better. You guys
resent it. You're trying to ruin it for me.
263
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,910
You know what?
This stuff isn't even funny anymore.
264
00:15:11,470 --> 00:15:13,950
Oh, that's a good burn!
265
00:15:17,710 --> 00:15:21,070
So that's when I was, like,
"no, I don't want highlights."
266
00:15:21,110 --> 00:15:23,910
People pay money to get
their hair my color,
267
00:15:25,270 --> 00:15:27,590
not the other way around.
268
00:15:27,670 --> 00:15:30,750
Why are we feeding you again?
269
00:15:31,790 --> 00:15:33,910
'Cause I'm good company.
270
00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:40,030
Look who tore himself away from himself
long enough to join us.
271
00:15:42,950 --> 00:15:46,030
Yeah, usually he's too
busy for lunch.
272
00:15:46,870 --> 00:15:48,350
All right, both of you stop.
273
00:15:48,430 --> 00:15:50,750
Honey, you washed your hands, right?
274
00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:55,630
Look, dad, I can't believe
I'm gonna say this, but...
275
00:15:56,590 --> 00:15:58,750
can I talk to you in private
for a moment?
276
00:15:59,590 --> 00:16:01,070
No, I don't think so.
277
00:16:02,990 --> 00:16:05,150
I know the kind of things
you do in private.
278
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:09,270
- Dad...
- oh, all right.
279
00:16:09,710 --> 00:16:12,230
Just keep your hands
where I can see 'em.
280
00:16:14,030 --> 00:16:15,750
This really isn't getting old.
281
00:16:19,110 --> 00:16:19,830
Ok
282
00:16:20,310 --> 00:16:22,870
so you know how I do things
that are horrible,
283
00:16:22,910 --> 00:16:25,230
and it seems like
I can't make them any worse,
284
00:16:26,510 --> 00:16:27,830
and then I do?
285
00:16:29,350 --> 00:16:30,910
Sadly, yes.
286
00:16:32,070 --> 00:16:32,950
Well...
287
00:16:33,070 --> 00:16:34,470
I did it again.
288
00:16:34,550 --> 00:16:35,510
Again?
289
00:16:36,950 --> 00:16:39,750
How many bathrooms does that house have?
- No,
290
00:16:40,710 --> 00:16:41,630
not...
291
00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:44,430
not that.
292
00:16:45,950 --> 00:16:49,990
Uh, Donna wanted to talk
about the horrible thing.
293
00:16:50,070 --> 00:16:53,750
Oh! They always
want to talk about it.
294
00:16:54,470 --> 00:16:56,590
Yeah, well, we talked about it.
295
00:16:56,830 --> 00:17:01,830
And in the course of talking about it,
information was revealed that made it much...
296
00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:04,910
much worse.
297
00:17:05,310 --> 00:17:08,470
And that is why you never, ever talk about it.
298
00:17:09,270 --> 00:17:12,350
Have you ever noticed how often
I just grunt at your mother?
299
00:17:15,350 --> 00:17:17,550
I know how to talk.
I'm not an ape.
300
00:17:18,350 --> 00:17:19,110
Right.
301
00:17:19,270 --> 00:17:21,710
I just choose not to.
302
00:17:22,990 --> 00:17:23,910
Right.
303
00:17:23,990 --> 00:17:25,790
Well, it's too latefor that now
304
00:17:25,870 --> 00:17:28,270
since you screwed up
and talked about it.
305
00:17:29,270 --> 00:17:30,910
There's only one thing to do.
306
00:17:31,390 --> 00:17:34,150
Go on the offensive.
Counter attack.
307
00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:36,270
What? That's suicide, man.
308
00:17:37,150 --> 00:17:39,390
They'll never expect it.
It throws 'em off.
309
00:17:39,510 --> 00:17:42,990
You know, one time in Korea, we had
this little guy outnumbered 20 to 1.
310
00:17:43,190 --> 00:17:45,710
But then he ran at us
screaming his head off.
311
00:17:45,830 --> 00:17:49,830
And we were so taken off guard,
that we dove right into our foxholes.
312
00:17:51,390 --> 00:17:53,030
- And he got away?
- No, no.
313
00:17:54,830 --> 00:17:59,150
No, I mean we were startled for a few seconds,
but then the whole company just opened up on him.
314
00:18:02,550 --> 00:18:04,590
Listen up, Donna.
I got something to say.
315
00:18:04,670 --> 00:18:06,550
Okay, but be careful.
316
00:18:06,630 --> 00:18:08,510
Jackie's mom was here earlier.
317
00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:13,430
I don't want you to catch a whiff of her perfume
and have to sexually assault yourself in the hallway.
318
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,870
No, no, no, no. I talk. You listen.
319
00:18:17,150 --> 00:18:19,590
Okay,this is all your fault.
320
00:18:20,310 --> 00:18:22,910
Yeah, do you have any idea what
your celibacy thing is doing to me?
321
00:18:22,990 --> 00:18:24,990
My needs have risen to near..
322
00:18:25,070 --> 00:18:26,710
Fezian levels.
323
00:18:28,430 --> 00:18:30,070
He is a sick bastard, Donna,
324
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:32,310
and now, thanks to you, so am I!
325
00:18:33,030 --> 00:18:36,310
Yeah, that's right, Donna! You created
a monster. I can't leave myself alone!
326
00:18:38,070 --> 00:18:39,310
You know what?
You're right.
327
00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:40,910
I'm sorry.
328
00:18:41,150 --> 00:18:41,990
You are?
329
00:18:42,510 --> 00:18:43,510
I mean, um...
330
00:18:44,630 --> 00:18:46,110
yeah, damn right you are.
331
00:18:47,150 --> 00:18:48,870
No, this has been really hard,
332
00:18:49,390 --> 00:18:51,510
and this celibacy thing
was my idea, so
333
00:18:52,230 --> 00:18:54,550
I need to accept some responsibility
for the odd and
334
00:18:54,630 --> 00:18:56,750
disgusting things you do.
335
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,470
That's right, you do.
336
00:18:59,590 --> 00:19:02,310
But, you know, next time,
be like a normal person.
337
00:19:02,590 --> 00:19:04,550
Go to your room, lock the door,
338
00:19:04,590 --> 00:19:07,950
light some candles, put on some
Al Green and make an evening of it.
339
00:19:10,310 --> 00:19:13,350
Wow, Donna,
that was really detailed.
340
00:19:14,110 --> 00:19:15,750
It's almost like...
341
00:19:20,790 --> 00:19:22,550
oh, my god.
342
00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:27,070
You do it, too!
343
00:19:28,030 --> 00:19:29,030
What ?
344
00:19:29,110 --> 00:19:30,830
no, no!
345
00:19:31,550 --> 00:19:34,910
I noticed the candles getting lower,
even though I'd never seen them lit!
346
00:19:36,830 --> 00:19:39,470
All right, this
conversation is over!
347
00:19:43,310 --> 00:19:44,070
Wow
348
00:19:47,030 --> 00:19:50,270
So this is where it all happens.
349
00:19:58,370 --> 00:20:00,050
So they make
an evening of it?
350
00:20:00,530 --> 00:20:02,930
Yeah, candles, music.
351
00:20:03,050 --> 00:20:05,210
God, girls do everything better.
352
00:20:06,130 --> 00:20:07,690
You don't suppose Jackie...
353
00:20:08,770 --> 00:20:11,250
nah, she won't even go
to a self-serve gas station.
354
00:20:11,850 --> 00:20:14,330
What would happen if I walked in
during one of their evenings?
355
00:20:14,450 --> 00:20:17,890
Are they like us where even though
we're alone, we welcome a visitor?
356
00:20:18,890 --> 00:20:22,610
It's not like they'd rather do it themselves,
when they could have a man do it, right?
357
00:20:22,690 --> 00:20:24,490
- Yeah.
- Right.
26681
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