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1
00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:04,880
It's been like an hour,
2
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,800
and my dad is still upstairs
talking to your folks.
3
00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:09,080
Our pregnancy scare must have
really freaked 'em out.
4
00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:10,440
Yeah, well,
that's because "pregnancy"
5
00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:12,200
is one of the scariest words
in the english language...
6
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,160
right after "monster"
and "broccoli."
7
00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:18,480
Well, I'm not pregnant.
8
00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:19,800
Everything's fine,
9
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:22,680
so I'm sure our parents
will calm down soon.
10
00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,080
Hey, fornicators, upstairs!
11
00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:31,040
Oh, god, we're dead.
You know what?
12
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,400
None of this would have
happened
13
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,080
if you hadn't insisted
on sleeping with me.
14
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,040
I insisted?
15
00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:38,000
You wouldn't give me
my wallet back.
16
00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:40,320
Look,
we're in this together.
17
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:41,520
You were there, too.
18
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,200
Or was I?
19
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,960
The jedi mind trick
doesn't work in real life, dink.
20
00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:52,480
Or does it?
21
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,360
Oh, hey,
22
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,520
what's shakin', gang?
23
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:03,960
Certainly not Donna's belly
from being pregnant, right?
24
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:06,920
You're not funny.
You're a sinner.
25
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,720
Now sit.
26
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:14,880
We have decided that you two
need premarital counseling
27
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:16,880
at church.
28
00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:18,920
Premarital?
29
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:21,400
Counseling? Church?
30
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:26,000
Why am I talking
like a speak & spell?
31
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,720
Dad, you think
this is a good idea?
32
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:32,040
No. I suggested we get him
fixed like a dog.
33
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,640
Counseling can be
extremely beneficial.
34
00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:37,600
I knew two boys who were about
to marry their sweethearts.
35
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:39,720
One boy went to counseling,
and one didn't.
36
00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:44,320
And the one who didn't go
to counseling died.
37
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:46,440
I'll tell ya,
if midge and I had counseling,
38
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,360
it might have
saved our marriage.
39
00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:50,560
Of course, not sleeping
with degenerates
40
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,800
from the pool hall
would have helped, too.
41
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:55,640
So you want us
to go to counseling?
42
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:58,600
Mom, where do you even
come up with this stuff?
43
00:01:58,600 --> 00:01:59,840
It wasn't my idea.
44
00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:04,440
Steven was thoughtful enough
to suggest it.
45
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,960
You're welcome.
46
00:02:45,220 --> 00:02:47,500
Okay, you guys,
this church counseling idea
47
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:48,860
is really crappy.
48
00:02:48,860 --> 00:02:51,660
Would you listen
to the language on this kid?
49
00:02:51,660 --> 00:02:55,380
What he needs is church
and lots of it.
50
00:02:55,780 --> 00:02:58,820
You know, Eric, you may not
think that you need counseling,
51
00:02:58,820 --> 00:03:01,220
but maybe Donna does.
52
00:03:01,220 --> 00:03:03,620
No, she doesn't.
53
00:03:04,220 --> 00:03:05,820
Well, actually,
54
00:03:05,820 --> 00:03:07,580
I think counseling might
help us work through some
55
00:03:07,580 --> 00:03:09,380
of our issues
before we get married.
56
00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:11,220
- We don't have issues.
- Yes, we do.
57
00:03:11,220 --> 00:03:12,540
- No, we don't.
- Do. - Don't.
58
00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:14,380
Okay, see?
You don't do the do/don't
59
00:03:14,380 --> 00:03:18,020
if you don't have issues,
which you do.
60
00:03:18,020 --> 00:03:20,220
Okay, dad, how can you think
this is a good idea?
61
00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:23,100
You always say to take care
of family business at home.
62
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:25,100
I am taking care
of business at home.
63
00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:26,820
Because if you two
don't do this,
64
00:03:26,820 --> 00:03:28,180
do you know what
it's gonna be like
65
00:03:28,180 --> 00:03:31,260
living with your mother?
66
00:03:31,260 --> 00:03:34,780
Just more of a delight
every day, is what.
67
00:03:35,860 --> 00:03:37,180
Well, come on, Eric.
68
00:03:37,180 --> 00:03:39,100
We'll learn stuff
about each other.
69
00:03:39,100 --> 00:03:40,740
For instance,
what if one day
70
00:03:40,740 --> 00:03:43,540
I get a high-paying job
in california? Will you move?
71
00:03:43,540 --> 00:03:47,380
Whoa. Why can't i get
the high-paying job?
72
00:03:47,380 --> 00:03:49,380
Okay, what if you get
a high-paying job?
73
00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:50,820
Will I move?
74
00:03:50,820 --> 00:03:56,380
Who am I kidding? I'm not
getting a high-paying job.
75
00:03:57,340 --> 00:04:00,220
All right, civilians.
76
00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:01,860
Hide your stashes.
77
00:04:01,860 --> 00:04:06,460
Officer-in-training kelso's back
from the academy.
78
00:04:06,460 --> 00:04:07,780
I gotta be honest, man.
79
00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:10,100
Every day you come home
with all your fingers,
80
00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:12,580
I die a little inside.
81
00:04:12,580 --> 00:04:15,380
Michael, you got
another "d" on a test?
82
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,460
Is this your fourth "d"
in a row?
83
00:04:17,460 --> 00:04:19,020
Yeah.
84
00:04:19,020 --> 00:04:21,020
It's just
on the penal code stuff.
85
00:04:21,020 --> 00:04:22,940
Criminals have a right
to an attorney.
86
00:04:22,940 --> 00:04:25,620
Criminals are innocent
until proven guilty.
87
00:04:25,620 --> 00:04:28,220
Just crazy liberal gibberish.
88
00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:32,420
What are you laughing at?
89
00:04:32,420 --> 00:04:35,220
He said "penal code."
90
00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:38,380
Fez, it doesn't mean that.
91
00:04:38,380 --> 00:04:40,500
It's from the word "penalty."
92
00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:43,460
"Penal"
93
00:04:44,620 --> 00:04:48,660
You're like a 4 year old.
It's a legal term. "Penal."
94
00:04:50,460 --> 00:04:53,060
it's kind of funny.
95
00:04:54,020 --> 00:04:55,180
Hey, guys.
96
00:04:55,180 --> 00:04:56,300
Hey, michael.
97
00:04:56,300 --> 00:04:57,940
How'd
your penal code test go?
98
00:05:01,220 --> 00:05:03,020
I did great.
I got another "B."
99
00:05:03,020 --> 00:05:06,300
Oh, that's your fourth "B"
in a row.
100
00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:07,740
I'm so proud of you.
101
00:05:07,740 --> 00:05:10,220
Can I see it?
Uh...
102
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:12,140
uh, you could,
103
00:05:12,140 --> 00:05:14,460
but I didn't write
anything down
104
00:05:14,460 --> 00:05:16,740
'cause the test was oral.
105
00:05:16,740 --> 00:05:18,260
Oral test
on the penal code.
106
00:05:24,140 --> 00:05:25,100
so, um...
107
00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:26,820
are you free
this afternoon?
108
00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:28,740
I thought maybe
we could do something.
109
00:05:28,740 --> 00:05:30,660
How about go-carting?
110
00:05:30,660 --> 00:05:32,300
Um...
111
00:05:32,300 --> 00:05:34,180
how about putting
together a crib?
112
00:05:34,180 --> 00:05:37,060
Does the crib have wheels?
113
00:05:37,060 --> 00:05:39,580
Yeah.
Then I'm in.
114
00:05:39,580 --> 00:05:42,060
Great.
I'll meet you outside.
115
00:05:42,060 --> 00:05:44,460
Bye, guys.
Bye.
116
00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:47,540
Hey, michael,
117
00:05:47,540 --> 00:05:49,340
how come you told
library barbie
118
00:05:49,340 --> 00:05:51,740
you got "bs"
instead of "ds"?
119
00:05:51,740 --> 00:05:54,060
Look, some people bring flowers.
120
00:05:54,060 --> 00:05:55,700
Some people buy chocolates.
121
00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:58,940
I lie about my intelligence.
122
00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:01,140
It's not working.
123
00:06:01,140 --> 00:06:03,540
She's locked up
the old funhouse,
124
00:06:03,540 --> 00:06:06,220
if you know what I mean.
125
00:06:08,740 --> 00:06:11,620
Michael, no way.
She's totally into you.
126
00:06:11,620 --> 00:06:13,420
She changed
from clear lip gloss
127
00:06:13,420 --> 00:06:15,820
to pink shimmer.
128
00:06:16,580 --> 00:06:18,220
What more
does she need to do,
129
00:06:18,220 --> 00:06:21,300
shout "I love you"
from the rooftops?
130
00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:23,580
She could give me
something besides a kiss on the cheek.
131
00:06:23,580 --> 00:06:24,660
It's like kissing your cousin.
132
00:06:26,460 --> 00:06:30,100
Oh, the cousin kiss...
133
00:06:30,700 --> 00:06:34,340
the sexiest
of all relative kisses.
134
00:06:34,340 --> 00:06:37,700
Right above
big-breasted aunt
135
00:06:37,700 --> 00:06:40,380
and sleepy grandma.
136
00:06:40,860 --> 00:06:43,940
Did you just say
"sleepy grandma"?
137
00:06:43,940 --> 00:06:45,940
You telling me
you kiss your grandma?
138
00:06:45,940 --> 00:06:48,900
Not my grandma.
A grandma.
139
00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:51,220
Sick bastard.
140
00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:56,980
I gotta say, I'm excited
about marriage counseling.
141
00:06:56,980 --> 00:06:59,260
I'm looking forward
to hearing from a third party
142
00:06:59,260 --> 00:07:01,580
that I'm right about everything.
143
00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:04,620
Oh, and I want my marriage
to Eric to be magical.
144
00:07:04,620 --> 00:07:06,740
I know how you could do that.
145
00:07:06,740 --> 00:07:10,100
Marry someone besides Eric.
146
00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:12,220
Hey, I'll see you guys later.
147
00:07:12,220 --> 00:07:15,860
I got someplace
I really need to be.
148
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:19,100
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
149
00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:21,620
Had someplace
I really needed to be.
150
00:07:21,620 --> 00:07:22,940
Okay, so get this.
151
00:07:22,940 --> 00:07:26,700
I don't want counseling.
Donna does. So we're going.
152
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:28,700
I'll tell ya,
ever since we got engaged,
153
00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:32,540
she's been treating me
like some kind of child.
154
00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:35,820
Oh, where's my toy surprise?
155
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:38,300
Oh, Kelso,
watch it with that gun, man.
156
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:41,860
Oh, relax, Eric. It's not a gun.
It's a flare gun.
157
00:07:41,860 --> 00:07:44,060
Yeah, tomorrow's flare day
at the academy,
158
00:07:44,060 --> 00:07:45,580
so we're learning how
to use these.
159
00:07:45,580 --> 00:07:46,540
Besides, they're totally safe.
160
00:07:46,540 --> 00:07:48,860
All they do is shoot
balls of fire.
161
00:07:49,820 --> 00:07:52,300
Kelso, I don't think you should
be playing with fire
162
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:54,620
when we're all...
163
00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:56,060
never mind.
164
00:07:56,220 --> 00:07:59,580
Man, I gotta stop hitting
two circles in one day.
165
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:01,300
I could swear I just saw
a ball of fire
166
00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:04,020
shoot through this room.
167
00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:05,820
Zowie!
168
00:08:08,900 --> 00:08:11,100
Okay, so what
brings you to counseling?
169
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:13,220
A firm tug
on the old ball and chain,
170
00:08:13,220 --> 00:08:15,900
if you know what I mean.
171
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:18,100
What Eric
is trying to say is
172
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:21,820
we wanted to talk to someone
about the pitfalls of marriage.
173
00:08:21,820 --> 00:08:24,620
And we have some
little issues.
174
00:08:24,620 --> 00:08:26,140
For example,
175
00:08:26,140 --> 00:08:28,380
Eric sometimes likes
to talk too much about
176
00:08:28,380 --> 00:08:30,580
Star Wars.
177
00:08:31,340 --> 00:08:32,660
I understand.
178
00:08:32,660 --> 00:08:34,420
You do?
179
00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:36,420
See, this is great.
180
00:08:36,420 --> 00:08:41,220
Yeah, Star Wars is
the greatest movie of all time.
181
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,900
It's hard not to
talk about Star Wars.
182
00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:46,500
Wow! This is great!
183
00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:50,020
Oh, oh, no.
184
00:08:50,820 --> 00:08:52,820
I can't believe
you've seen Star Wars.
185
00:08:52,820 --> 00:08:55,020
Well, I like to stay current
with pop culture,
186
00:08:55,020 --> 00:08:58,100
so that I can connect
with the youth I counsel.
187
00:08:58,100 --> 00:09:01,140
Say how about that disco?
188
00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:05,780
Um, disco kinda blows.
I agree.
189
00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:07,780
Blow on, disco.
190
00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:09,580
Blow on.
191
00:09:11,220 --> 00:09:14,220
Can we get back
to me and Eric, please?
192
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,500
Because sometimes
I feel like
193
00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:18,500
we're racing
toward this wedding,
194
00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:21,700
and we're not even enjoying it
as much as we could be.
195
00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:23,620
Hmm, I see.
196
00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:26,780
Like in Star Wars,
197
00:09:27,060 --> 00:09:29,940
when Luke,
much like the two of you,
198
00:09:29,940 --> 00:09:32,220
wasn't the pilot
of his own future.
199
00:09:32,220 --> 00:09:34,420
But he was a great pilot.
He used to bull's-eye
200
00:09:34,420 --> 00:09:38,100
wamp rats...
in his t-16 back home!
201
00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:42,700
I should be marrying you.
202
00:09:43,540 --> 00:09:45,660
I thought this was
a counseling session,
203
00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:48,060
not a dork-off.
204
00:09:48,060 --> 00:09:50,540
I'm sorry, Donna.
205
00:09:50,540 --> 00:09:53,700
Okay, look, instead of talking
206
00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:55,740
about what worries you
about marriage,
207
00:09:55,740 --> 00:09:58,300
let's talk about
what excites you about marriage.
208
00:09:58,300 --> 00:09:59,860
Oh.
209
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:02,140
Okay, well...
210
00:10:08,020 --> 00:10:10,100
hmm. That's weird.
211
00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:12,700
I can't really think
of anything.
212
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,420
You can't think of anything?
213
00:10:14,420 --> 00:10:17,780
Well, hang on.
Give me a second.
214
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:21,900
Nope. Nothing.
215
00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:25,540
Well, one thing young newlyweds
usually get excited about,
216
00:10:25,540 --> 00:10:28,820
and that's having sexual
relations for the first time.
217
00:10:28,820 --> 00:10:33,420
I'm sure you're both
looking forward to that.
218
00:10:33,420 --> 00:10:35,340
Oh, um...
219
00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:40,820
unless of course,
you've already had sex.
220
00:10:40,820 --> 00:10:43,220
Premarital sex.
221
00:10:43,220 --> 00:10:45,300
What?
Huh?
222
00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:49,260
Pre-what-ital-who?
223
00:10:49,260 --> 00:10:50,780
I mean, come on,
look at me.
224
00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,620
Do I look like some guy
who's had sex?
225
00:10:52,620 --> 00:10:54,980
I mean... right?
226
00:10:57,020 --> 00:10:59,020
You're seeing pictures
of what's left
227
00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:01,340
of the point place
police academy auditorium,
228
00:11:01,340 --> 00:11:04,500
where a fire broke out today.
229
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:06,020
I hope Kelso's okay.
230
00:11:06,020 --> 00:11:09,860
Yeah, I know he's there,
'cause today was flare day.
231
00:11:09,860 --> 00:11:12,940
Today was flare day!
232
00:11:17,620 --> 00:11:19,940
Hey, what's up?
233
00:11:28,860 --> 00:11:29,900
Okay, fine.
234
00:11:29,900 --> 00:11:32,300
I was at the academy
when the auditorium burned down,
235
00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:34,140
but it totally wasn't my fault.
236
00:11:34,140 --> 00:11:36,620
See, I got there early
to practice with my flare gun
237
00:11:36,620 --> 00:11:39,220
'cause I wanted to show brooke
an actual "b" for a change.
238
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:43,060
Okay, so far
zero percent your fault.
239
00:11:43,060 --> 00:11:44,100
All right,
240
00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:45,940
so I accidentally
shot off a flare,
241
00:11:45,940 --> 00:11:47,940
and it went all...
242
00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:50,220
right underneath the bleachers.
243
00:11:50,220 --> 00:11:52,740
Well, we've just jumped up
to about 60% your fault.
244
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:55,500
Okay, so then I shot off
another flare
245
00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:57,820
at the first flare
'cause you know what they say.
246
00:11:57,820 --> 00:12:01,260
You gotta fight fire with fire.
247
00:12:02,620 --> 00:12:06,940
Yeah, this is now,
like, 99% your fault.
248
00:12:06,940 --> 00:12:10,300
So then I shot off
another flare
249
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:13,620
to warn people
about the fire.
250
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,620
But that one just went
right up and on the roof,
251
00:12:16,620 --> 00:12:18,900
and that's when I just got
the hell out of there.
252
00:12:29,060 --> 00:12:30,620
$5?
253
00:12:31,380 --> 00:12:32,740
For pete's sakes,
254
00:12:32,740 --> 00:12:34,540
God doesn't drive
a cadillac.
255
00:12:36,580 --> 00:12:39,340
You know, in these times
of loose morals,
256
00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:42,980
even my faith gets challenged,
much like han solo's faith
257
00:12:42,980 --> 00:12:48,260
in his sometimes unreliable
"millennium falcon."
258
00:12:48,260 --> 00:12:50,860
Which is why I'm so pleased
to recently meet
259
00:12:50,860 --> 00:12:52,660
a young engaged couple
260
00:12:52,660 --> 00:12:56,220
who have turned their backs
on temptation,
261
00:12:56,220 --> 00:13:00,900
despite the lure
of premarital sex.
262
00:13:00,900 --> 00:13:03,700
Oh, no.
Oh, god. Oh, no.
263
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:11,660
So here they are--
Eric Forman and Donna Pinciotti.
264
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:13,980
Please stand.
265
00:13:26,340 --> 00:13:28,620
Oh, look,
it's Eric and Donna.
266
00:13:28,620 --> 00:13:33,060
Did everyone know
they're virgins?
267
00:13:33,060 --> 00:13:35,140
I think I wanna be
a virgin, too.
268
00:13:35,140 --> 00:13:37,260
Hey, everyone,
I'm a virgin!
269
00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:42,140
well, I said it,
so it must be true.
270
00:13:42,140 --> 00:13:44,380
Okay, I know this seems
really bad,
271
00:13:44,380 --> 00:13:47,340
but I got a really simple way
to fix this.
272
00:13:47,340 --> 00:13:50,580
Just start going
to a different church.
273
00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:52,700
Hey, how about that one
where they sing more
274
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:56,460
and let you marry,
like, six people?
275
00:13:57,580 --> 00:13:58,540
Hey, Red,
276
00:13:58,540 --> 00:14:00,580
tell me the story
about how Eric and Donna
277
00:14:00,580 --> 00:14:02,580
had to stand up
in front of the whole church
278
00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:04,980
and pretend to be virgins.
Once upon a time,
279
00:14:04,980 --> 00:14:08,260
two dumb-asses went to church
280
00:14:08,260 --> 00:14:11,980
and brought shame
upon their entire family.
281
00:14:11,980 --> 00:14:14,300
And their father
had to hear about it
282
00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:17,540
the whole damn car ride home!
283
00:14:18,420 --> 00:14:20,220
That is a great story.
284
00:14:20,220 --> 00:14:21,300
It's scary,
285
00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:23,860
but it's funny, too.
286
00:14:23,860 --> 00:14:25,300
What I don't understand
287
00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:27,900
is how you can lie to a pastor
in church.
288
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:29,260
Well, mrs. Forman,
289
00:14:29,260 --> 00:14:31,460
what about the time you lied
to pastor Dan?
290
00:14:31,460 --> 00:14:33,660
You told him your dog
ate your bake sale cookies,
291
00:14:33,660 --> 00:14:35,980
but you didn't bake them
'cause you were too busy
292
00:14:35,980 --> 00:14:38,540
sipping kahl�a and watching
that Paul Newman retrospective.
293
00:14:38,540 --> 00:14:40,460
I did not lie
to pastor Dan in church.
294
00:14:40,460 --> 00:14:42,020
I lied to him
at the market,
295
00:14:42,020 --> 00:14:45,820
and at the market,
he is just a regular man.
296
00:14:45,820 --> 00:14:49,300
Now you two march back to church
and tell him the truth.
297
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:52,460
And for you information, Donna,
kahl�a is barely a drink.
298
00:14:52,460 --> 00:14:54,100
It's like root beer.
299
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:00,500
So I can't believe
the police academy caught fire.
300
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:01,660
What happened?
301
00:15:01,660 --> 00:15:04,060
Huge mystery.
302
00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:08,860
Like what part
of the cow is the hot dog?
303
00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:13,860
Maybe Kelso's just
too traumatized to remember.
304
00:15:13,860 --> 00:15:15,940
I think he needs help
filling in the blanks,
305
00:15:15,940 --> 00:15:19,500
like the fire was started
with a blank gun
306
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:23,260
by a blanking idiot
named blank-O.
307
00:15:24,020 --> 00:15:25,060
Hey, Brooke,
308
00:15:25,060 --> 00:15:26,980
could you wait outside
for a minute?
309
00:15:26,980 --> 00:15:29,380
Mrs. Forman has this rule
that there's only...
310
00:15:29,380 --> 00:15:32,820
five people in the kitchen
at one time.
311
00:15:32,820 --> 00:15:34,660
Well,
there are five people here.
312
00:15:34,660 --> 00:15:37,140
That's why
you need to leave.
313
00:15:37,140 --> 00:15:38,100
But you said
no more than five.
314
00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:39,340
Right.
But I'm number five.
315
00:15:39,340 --> 00:15:40,620
Exactly.
316
00:15:42,420 --> 00:15:44,140
So I'll just
wait outside then?
317
00:15:44,140 --> 00:15:46,260
Attagirl.
318
00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:49,140
Hey, Jackie,
319
00:15:49,140 --> 00:15:51,260
I suspect Kelso
hasn't told Brooke
320
00:15:51,260 --> 00:15:53,260
that he burned down
the police academy.
321
00:15:53,260 --> 00:15:54,700
Interesting.
322
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:57,580
I suspect you're right,
Steven.
323
00:15:57,580 --> 00:16:00,180
Fez, what do you think?
324
00:16:00,180 --> 00:16:01,140
I think
325
00:16:01,140 --> 00:16:03,620
I smell cookies.
326
00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:05,900
All right, fine,
327
00:16:05,900 --> 00:16:07,260
so I haven't told her.
328
00:16:07,260 --> 00:16:09,100
But the only reason
she likes me is
329
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:11,100
'cause I'm doing well
at the academy.
330
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,380
Michael, you can't start
a relationship based
331
00:16:13,380 --> 00:16:14,820
on a huge lie.
332
00:16:14,820 --> 00:16:17,340
You have to start off fresh,
and then gently sprinkle
333
00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:20,220
in the lies as you go along.
334
00:16:20,220 --> 00:16:23,180
A relationship
is like a cookie,
335
00:16:23,180 --> 00:16:27,300
and the lies
are the tasty chocolate chips.
336
00:16:27,300 --> 00:16:30,740
Where are the cookies,
damn it?
337
00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:34,300
Okay, what did you want
to tell me?
338
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:35,940
Well, you see,
pastor Dan,
339
00:16:35,940 --> 00:16:37,660
when we were here before
340
00:16:37,660 --> 00:16:42,380
and you had asked us
about premarital sex,
341
00:16:42,380 --> 00:16:45,700
we might have--
we lied, okay?
342
00:16:47,060 --> 00:16:50,620
We have had sex
zillions of times.
343
00:16:51,180 --> 00:16:52,820
I used to try to keep track
on a pad,
344
00:16:52,820 --> 00:16:55,700
but it got unwieldy.
Oh, god.
345
00:16:55,700 --> 00:16:56,660
Eric!
346
00:16:56,660 --> 00:16:59,140
I'm sorry, Donna, but we are
knocking on hell's door,
347
00:16:59,140 --> 00:17:01,740
and I ain't goin' in!
348
00:17:01,740 --> 00:17:04,020
Eric,
you're not going to hell.
349
00:17:04,020 --> 00:17:07,300
But you might be.
I don't know you that well.
350
00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:09,500
I just think
you're depriving yourselves
351
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:13,740
of that wonderful moment
when marriage is cemented
352
00:17:13,740 --> 00:17:17,060
by giving the gift
of yourselves.
353
00:17:17,060 --> 00:17:18,900
Wow.
354
00:17:18,900 --> 00:17:20,620
I never thought
about it that way.
355
00:17:20,620 --> 00:17:22,740
Maybe that's why
you couldn't figure out
356
00:17:22,740 --> 00:17:24,740
the whole excitement
about marriage.
357
00:17:24,740 --> 00:17:27,340
The one thing you should have
been looking forward to,
358
00:17:27,340 --> 00:17:29,660
you had already experienced.
359
00:17:29,660 --> 00:17:31,260
Maybe you knew that
360
00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:34,140
without realizing it.
361
00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:35,780
Um...
362
00:17:35,780 --> 00:17:39,900
I don't mean to bring up
Star Wars again.
363
00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:42,220
This is a lot like Luke
364
00:17:42,220 --> 00:17:45,260
before he discovered
the force.
365
00:17:45,260 --> 00:17:47,300
Exactly.
366
00:17:48,140 --> 00:17:51,420
And what is the force
in real life?
367
00:17:58,220 --> 00:18:00,340
Brooke...
368
00:18:00,620 --> 00:18:02,940
I gotta tell you something.
369
00:18:02,940 --> 00:18:05,620
I burnt down
the police academy auditorium.
370
00:18:05,620 --> 00:18:08,100
See, this flare
just got away from me.
371
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:10,580
And then there was another flare
that was on purpose,
372
00:18:10,580 --> 00:18:14,140
but a bad idea,
and a final warning flare
373
00:18:14,140 --> 00:18:16,060
that I now realize
was unnecessary,
374
00:18:16,060 --> 00:18:20,460
'cause the fire itself
was a pretty big flare.
375
00:18:20,460 --> 00:18:21,620
Well, michael,
376
00:18:21,620 --> 00:18:23,340
I'm glad you're honest
with me
377
00:18:23,340 --> 00:18:26,140
because I kind of
have a secret, too.
378
00:18:26,140 --> 00:18:29,980
You have a twin sister
that loves threesomes.
379
00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:31,420
No.
380
00:18:32,060 --> 00:18:34,380
I've stopped myself
from getting close to you
381
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:37,620
because I didn't know
if I could trust you.
382
00:18:37,620 --> 00:18:40,020
I knew you were lying
about the police academy fire
383
00:18:40,020 --> 00:18:42,420
because, well,
384
00:18:42,420 --> 00:18:45,780
your friends kind of
gave it away in the kitchen.
385
00:18:45,780 --> 00:18:50,300
Also Fez took me aside today
and just told me.
386
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:53,260
And kinda tried
to kiss me.
387
00:18:53,260 --> 00:18:55,860
Yeah, he does that.
388
00:18:56,420 --> 00:18:58,180
But you were honest
with me,
389
00:18:58,180 --> 00:19:01,500
which means
I can trust you now.
390
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:14,940
So...
391
00:19:15,340 --> 00:19:17,540
is there anything else
you'd like to be honest
392
00:19:17,540 --> 00:19:19,460
with me about,
393
00:19:19,460 --> 00:19:22,820
like maybe
your test grades?
394
00:19:24,460 --> 00:19:26,180
Yeah.
395
00:19:27,780 --> 00:19:30,300
I didn't get four "bs."
396
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:31,460
I kinda figured.
397
00:19:31,460 --> 00:19:34,980
I got four "as."
I just didn't want to brag.
398
00:19:41,020 --> 00:19:45,260
Well, we committed
seven mortal sins,
399
00:19:45,260 --> 00:19:47,740
and all we got
was a half an hour lecture.
400
00:19:47,740 --> 00:19:50,140
Yeah, but still,
401
00:19:50,140 --> 00:19:51,980
I want our wedding day
to be special.
402
00:19:51,980 --> 00:19:54,260
You know, something
we'll remember forever.
403
00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:55,820
You know what?
404
00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:57,140
Whatever it takes.
405
00:19:57,140 --> 00:19:59,340
Which is why I think
we shouldn't have sex again
406
00:19:59,340 --> 00:20:03,100
until we're married.
What? No. What? No.
407
00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:03,860
No, no, no, no.
408
00:20:03,940 --> 00:20:07,420
You can't cut me off now.
I'm addicted now.
409
00:20:07,420 --> 00:20:09,500
Look, Eric, I know
it seems like a crazy idea.
410
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:10,300
Oh, I see your plan, lady.
411
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:12,860
The first three years
are free, huh?
412
00:20:12,860 --> 00:20:14,780
Eric, it'll be great.
413
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:15,860
When you think about it,
414
00:20:15,860 --> 00:20:18,540
it's really similar
to Star Wars
415
00:20:18,540 --> 00:20:21,300
and staying pure,
just like a Jedi.
416
00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:22,940
There's no such thing as Jedi.
417
00:20:22,940 --> 00:20:26,500
That's just a stupid movie!
God!
418
00:20:31,460 --> 00:20:35,500
Last sunday we recognized
we...sex
419
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:41,460
It is my bad duty to report
that they were lying!
420
00:20:41,460 --> 00:20:47,020
to me, to their families
to god himself.
421
00:20:47,020 --> 00:20:50,740
So let their correct.. justice
Please stand
422
00:20:50,740 --> 00:20:52,780
Eric Forman and Donna Pincioti
423
00:20:57,860 --> 00:20:59,500
Amen
30394
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