All language subtitles for Christmas.Bloody.Christmas.2022.2160p.BluRay.3500MB.DDP5.1.x264-GalaxyRG

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that you really care

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♪ I am the yule tide cold ♪

♪ Leave the winter closed ♪

♪ Like hive of holy ♪

♪ Well, I dream of you ♪

♪ Nothing is ♪

♪ And the slick ♪

♪ To not peak at
your breast, love ♪

♪ Before the devil reigns ♪

Thanks for coming in, guys.

Thank you. Have a good one.

Oh, shit!

Hi.

You look amazing.

Hey, let me know if
you need anything.

Hey, it's almost 7:00,
so I'm going to start

closing up out
back. You got it?

- Yeah.
- Oh, can you put this away?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

- Hey!
- Oh, shit.

- Merry Christmas.
- Hi.

It's about time you show your
fucking face around here.

Yeah, I've been busy.
You guys are swamped.

-I know, I know.

I thought you and Lahna
were closing tonight.

Yeah, no, I told her I had
to run home because I, um...

Didn't get her gift.

- I did get her a gift.
- Oh, did you?

But I'm now second guessing
it, so now I'm going

- to get some records.
- Oh, yeah, you should be

second guessing this.
She has both of these.

- She does.
- She does. Yeah.

Uh, follow me. Come on.

You guys been together
for, what, like a year?

How are you this fucking dumb?

No, I'm not... It's... I
can't tell the difference

between all these bands that
the logos all look the same.

- They all look the fucking same?
- They all look the same.

- All scratchy and weird.
- Yeah, they kind of do.

Uh, all right, so what I'm
going to show you now... Yes.

We saw these guys open at
a festival this summer.

She was fucking all over it.
They've got the psychedelic,

cosmic riff. She'll
fucking love it.

- Deathcrux?
- Yeah.

Okay. And she does
not have this?

- She does not have this.
- Right on.

- You're welcome.
- Yes. No, thank you, Tori.

Thank you. You saved
Christmas again.

By the way, I will come
and say Merry Christmas

- to Lauren.
- Sounds good.

But just don't tell her
I showed up here, okay?

- What are you talking about?
- Don't do the whole thing you do

- when you're like...
- "Oh, my God, it's so good

- to see you.
- No, yeah, don't do that.

- Okay, bye.
- Okay.

- Robbie.
- Hey, bro.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, man.

♪ Bloody Christmas,
bloody Christmas ♪

♪ Bloody Christmas,
bloody Christmas ♪

Fuck yeah. Almost 2 grand.

- Yeah, that's a big day.
- Does that mean a big boy bonus?

- Means a bonus, yeah.
- Fuck yeah, dawg!

What are you going to
do with your big bonus?

You got any plans?

Well, the talent
show is at 8:00 p.m.

- So, no, not really.
- Yeah.

What are you going to do
this fine Christmas Eve?

I was potentially going
to go meet up with a dude,

but I don't know.

- A dude, a man.
- Yep.

Okay, on Christmas Eve,
you're going to invite

a stranger to your house.

Uh, a stranger to
Reggie's, yeah.

Okay, cool. Fuck,
they're still open.

Did you meet him organically,

or is this, like, a
tinder sort of scenario?

- Tinder situation, yeah.
- Oh, Tinder, okay.

- Yeah.
- Can I see him?

- Eh.
- Eh. He must be a fucking stud.

What the fuck else
am I supposed to do?

You want me to go home,
drink some whiskey,

sit by the fire by my lonesome,
watch "A Christmas Story"

like every other fucking
douchebag in America?

Yeah. Sounds kind of nice.

Or you to go to drink
some whiskey with me.

Uh, that Lahna's Christmas gift.

- Is it?
- So you can put a fuckin'...

- No longer.
- What the fuck are you doing?

So, fuck no.

I wanted to do that, too.

So hand me some
cups, and let's go.

Are you gonna go see your
pops up north tomorrow?

- Yeah.
- You should probably get

- a head start late tonight.
- No. Fuck that.

One day, in and out, is my rule.

I can't see anything
wrong in that.

- Fair enough.
- Mazel tov.

Mazel tov. Cheers,
motherfucker.

Only quit stalling.
Show me Tommy Tinder.

What the fuck is your
obsession with this?

- I want to see him.
- I don't want to

- show him to you.
- Is he big? Is he a big boy?

- Oh.
- BBW.

- That what you want to know?
- Yeah.

In that case, I'll
fuckin' show you. Here.

What?

I didn't know you
knew Emmett Eyeliner.

Emmett Eyeliner. Why are
you calling him that?

- Do you know him?
- I know of him.

Did he tell you he
got, like, three kids?

Wait four. Someone's
pregnant now, I think.

- Oh, fuck! He's got kids?
- Yeah.

I don't fucking care.

I just want a little
Christmas Eve schlong.

Well, dude's a genic jackhammer.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Little, uh, sperm canon,

all I'm saying.

Okay, I'm happy you told me
that, so I'll wear my dental dam

and get fucking sauced
before he shows up.

Thank you. That's
so sweet of you.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I can go to Reggie's with you

because, um, I don't
really have shit to do.

Robbie, that's very,
very sweet of you,

but I want to get laid.

Not wax poetic
with the regulars.

Well, seeing as you didn't
buy me a Christmas present

this year, I'm
going to take this.

- Oh.
- Thank you.

And you can enjoy
your, what, two hours

of unbearable conversation,
your 7 seconds of lame sex.

You go home, probably, you
know, get yourself off anyway.

Or, I'm just throwing
this out there,

you can have two hours
of amazing, vivacious,

sort of hauntingly
erotic conversation.

- Hauntingly erotic?
- Hauntingly erotic?

And you can go home anyway.

You know, get yourself off,
like, flick your little bean.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

And you don't have to wake up
next to 30 Seconds To Mars.

All right, well, I've got
a proposition for you.

How about you give me
back my fucking whiskey

and stop talking about me
flicking at my fucking bean?

- Okay.
- How about that?

Have you confirmed with him?

No, I have not given him a time.

Poor guy. It's kind of
sad. He's probably at home

scrolling through your
social media, fingers sweaty,

hand firmly on cock, just...

beating that meat,
waiting for your text

to pop up at the top.

Mm. I've blown off
twice already, so.

- Third time's a charm.
- Yeah.

Come on, get a drink
with your old pal Robbie.

It's my long time
employee Robbie.

- That's a little bit harsh.
- It's true. I own you.

- You own me?
- You're on my payroll. Yeah.

Mama. Okay. Okay. Okay.

I'm going to change your mind.
Have you heard his music?

- I have not bothered, no.
- Oh, that answers a lot.

Why? What you got?

I'll show you something
Something fun.

Hmm.

All right. Ready?

I'm losing interest
already. Come on.

Alright, you'll see.

Hang on, hang on, hang
on, hang on, hang on.

What?

- Oh, my God.
- Soothing.

Shut the fuck up. Why
is he whisper singing?

Doesn't want to wake
his parents, probably.

What the fuck? Turn that off.

Why are you showing
that to me? Stop.

Well, you know, it's not like
you're going to saddle up

with the son of a bitch. I
mean, you should probably

let the guy go back to
his family and his kids.

He's a daddy, after all.

- Daddy?
- Yeah.

Little Tommy Tinder.

Well...

All right. Let's
go get shit faced.

But you're not getting
anything either.

So if you want to go
flick your fucking bean,

do what you need to do.

- Come on.
- All right.

- Turn off the music.
- Well, considering you were

gonna saddle up with
old Emmett Eyeliner,

I'm not sure how I
should feel about that.

Well, I don't work with
them Emmett Eyeliner, do I?

Well, I am better looking in
that douche, though, right?

Do you want to fucking die?

Get your fucking grubby
shoes off the counter.

Kill the music before
I change my mind.

- Should I meet you there or?
- No, We're going to walk.

- Well, it's fucking snowing out.
- Oh, my God. That's so scary!

Come on. Get those
chicken legs out.

Let's go for a walk. I got
to bring this to Lahna.

Why? They close at 6:00.
They're not going to be open.

No, they'll still be there.

They're having a little
Christmas Eve Fuckfest.

What the hell, Why?

You don't want to
fuck in a toy store?

No. Well, mm, maybe. I mean...

Sounds like you don't want
to fuck in a toy store.

It's just kind of weird.
Like, I feel sorry for the kid

that's going to go in tomorrow,
buy a teddy bear covered

- in fucking cum.
- Oh, my God.

We're going to scar
him. That poor child.

Come on. Lock up behind you.

We could have taken my car.

Would have been a smart option.

Do you want to keep
keep complaining?

Or do you want to
just walk in silence?

- What do you want to do?
- You're the one who was

complaining all day about
fucking Christmas this,

Christmas that, oh, I
fucking hate Christmas.

Well, Christmas fucking sucks.

Do you not agree that there's
no good fucking Christmas music,

- no good Christmas movies.
- Bad Religion had

- a great Christmas album.
- Just fucking get it over with.

- Eh.
- It was good.

There aren't many albums
that give me that spirit

of fucking Christmas.

Well, Bad fuckin'
Religion, ain't it, buddy.

Give me that.

I would go as far to say
there's like fucking two...

Two Christmas songs
that are good,

and that's if you don't count,
if and only if, you don't count

fucking Crypt Keeper
"Christmas Rap."

Okay, love "Tales
From the Crypt."

That song sucks the
fucking shit out of my ass.

This is coming from a guy
who jizzes his fucking pants

every single time he hears
Buster Poindexter's cover of

"Zat You, Santa Claus?"

No, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't like that cover.

I like the version
with the commentary

from Beavis and Butthead.

- Okay.
- Okay.

"Merry Christmas",
Ramones, then.

That's mine. What's your
big fucking runner up?

Uh, sorry to say, but
"Merry Christmas", Ramones,

that's a fucking runner up.

- Yeah.
- Fuck you.

- First place...
- Fuck you.

First place is our
lord and savior Lemmy

with "Run Rudolph
Run." Oh, it's magic!

Okay. It's not like
it's Motorhead.

It's Lemmy with the
fucking Foo Fighters.

- Oh, R.I.P.
- Oh, R.I.P.

Also Lemmy is fucking
Motorhead, you idiot.

Yeah.

Hey!

Lahna!

She knows you're coming, right?

Yeah, of course she
knows I'm fucking coming.

Oh.

- Hey, bitch.
- Hi!

Mwah! You look so good.

- Thank you.
- Hey, gorgeous.

- Mwah.
- Mwah.

I brought you and Jay a
little something, something.

Ooh, I got you this.

Oh, my God. I love you so much.

- I missed you.
- I missed you, too.

Where's Jay?

He's in the back, freshening up.

You know, he just
gets a little musty.

He gets a little musty?

- You got a lot going on.
- Musty she says.

Yeah, you know all
about that, right?

- No, I do.
- You know all about that?

- Baby.
- Yeah.

You know all about
a little musty must?

I got a stinky dick.

- That's so fucked up.
- Cute, right?

- Bitch.
- Yeah?

You already cracked this open.

We may have had, like,
like a couple of drinks.

This is the nicest thing
anybody's ever done for me.

I know. I know. It's
very nice. And listen.

Because we love you. We
didn't buy it for you.

We're giving it to you.

- Well, merry fucking Christmas.
- Merry fucking Christmas.

- Baby!
- On it. Jesus Christ!

- Hey!
- This motherfucker.

I haven't seen you in so long.

- How are you?
- Oh, yeah. Right?

- How are you?
- Hey, bro.

- Hey, buddy. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

- You look good.
- Thank you.

- Yeah, you do.
- I've been doing nothing but

selling toys and fucking
living the clean life.

Keep up.

Oh! Um, what's up with you
two? What's going on here?

- Uh, just grabbing a drink.
- Just grabbing a drink.

I had to talk her out
of some Tinder trash.

You didn't talk me
out of anything.

What was his name?
Emmett... Emmett...

- We don't have to talk...
- Emmett! Oh, shit!

No, I think we're ignoring that.

Motherfuckin' four-kid
Emmett. Four kid Emmett?

- No.
- Nearly five kid Emmett.

Four kid Emmett. Why does
everybody know Emmett

- except for me?
- He's got four kids.

- All right. Well, cheers. Yeah.
- No, no, no.

What was the song? What
was the song? It was...

We don't need the song.

♪ And her heart
whispers in my head ♪

- Alright, fuckers.
- Go for it, tap on in.

♪ Because she's half dead ♪

- Tori!
- No, no, no, no.

Come back, come back,
come back, come back.

- Come back, come back.
- Alright, you guys, I'm back.

- It's a catchy song.
- It's a good song.

It's the feel good
hit of the winter.

- Okay, cheers.
- Cheers.

- To Christmas!
- To Christmas!

- Bah humbug.
- Bah humbug.

Ho, ho, ho.

Come sit on Santa's lap

and tell him what you
want for Christmas.

Ugh!

- I fucking hate that.
- No, they all get recalled.

Priest said that to me
when I was a young boy.

Are you okay? You're
not fucking okay.

- No, I'm not well.
- It's so bad.

Thank God they're
taking it out on Friday.

Has he ever come to life
while you guys were fucking?

Oh, he joins.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- He's anatomical.
- Oh, really?

- Big bad Santa.
- Okay.

- Big Santa.
- But I am hoping that they

leave behind this aspect of it.

What?

- Oh!
- Oh, baby, it's so romantic!

Okay, we're getting
the fuck out of here.

This is too much
Christmas for me.

- Oh, no, no.
- No, no, no, stay, stay.

Stop! I fuckin'... that's
a lot. That is a lot.

It's really excessive. We're
gonna have one drink and go.

- All right. Yeah, fine.
- Fine.

We could just...
You guys hang out.

- We could have some more drinks.
- We're not going to hang out.

- The four of us.
- We're not gonna hang out.

- Santa, the anatomical Santa.
- We're good.

- Okay, alright.
- Alright.

- Easy, tiger.
- Alright.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Fuck. Merry Christmas
to a fuckin' day off.

- Little bit of flavor in there.
- Yeah.

- Mm.
- Okay, I love you.

Get the fuck out. I
want to fuck my husband.

- Mwah.
- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.
- Bye.

- See you.
- See you.

- See ya, bud.
- All right. We're going.

- Goodbye.
- See ya.

♪ Oh, she's whispering
in my head ♪

Fucking hate you guys!

♪ I'm half deaf for you ♪

I'm stealing your
candy. Thank you.

- Come on, let's go.
- Ugh!

Let's fucking go.

- God!
- Come on!

Coming. I'm coming.

Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.

Sowell Robotic Products'
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state of the art Santa
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T.W. Bonkers is now the subject
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There have been reports
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Thus far, most of the reports
have been of harmless pranks.

Fuck no!

Larry, can you
turn that shit off?

- That's so depressing.
- Yeah.

You guys want one more

to close it out?

Yeah, we will.

Can we get another round and
a shot of whiskey, please?

You're going to chase a shot
of whiskey with more whiskey?

I am. It's a holiday.
That's what you do.

- This is true.
- Thank you.

Is this, uh,
together? Or separate?

Togeth... Together.

It's on one bill. I got it.

- Oh, la di da.
- It's part of your bonus.

Although I am a
little disappointed.

He didn't even offer to
pay for the fuckin' last...

Excuse me, this is
not a date, remember?

Yeah, no, I fuckin'
remember now.

Happy I didn't think otherwise.

-Fun hangout -Yeah.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

You think would have
picked up the tab for, uh,

Doctor fuckin' Emmett Eyeliner.

Depends on how the night went.

Probably would have forgotten
his wallet or something.

Mnh-mnh. Did this dude
fuck your mom or something?

Why the fuck... every single
time you talk about him,

I'm like so close
to forgetting him,

and then you bring him up again.

I'm just like, just
like, it baffles me

that you were going to
let him, like, you know,

- stick his penis just...
- Taint me?

- Inside you.
- He's gonna fuckin' taint me?

- He was gonna taint you.
- Yeah, I'm horny,

and it's a holiday. What
am I supposed to do?

Do you want to go through...
Larry, do you want to go through

Robbie's list of prize catches?

- Not again.
- 'Cause fuckin'...

No, remember this?
Remember rotten Rebecca?

The one that smelled like
a fucking fish market.

- Oh, God.
- She was great.

Yeah, had to walk out of
the room every time...

- Rotten Rebecca.
- Every time she fucking

walked in one.

Oh, my God.

That honestly made
me want to throw up.

That was so gross.

Who else? Come on.

Do you want to talk about Tina?

- Tina?
- Googly eyed Tina?

Do you want me to keep
going? That's my point.

- That was a condition.
- Do you want me to keep going?

- She couldn't help it.
- Okay.

- She's a beautiful woman.
- Can you shut the fuck up?

Okay, babe, no, seriously.

He's been her
employee for years.

One, I think it's
illegal if they fuck.

And two, he'll never
close the deal.

She had that glow in her eyes.

Okay, okay, fine. No,
she fucking might have.

But he won't even come
close to closing the deal.

- What?
- Not at all.

1,000 percent they're
fucking tonight.

- Fuck that.
- Unless Robbie's dick

gets chopped up, they're
gonna fuck tonight.

What are you fuck... Fuck
that. Okay. All right.

- You want him bet?
- Yeah.

Okay, great, great,
great, great.

Alright, how much you
fucking want to bet then?

Are you ever going
to settle down,

you know, chill the fuck out.

Are you?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Hopefully.
- Oh, okay, great.

Well, maybe I'll fucking settle
down when I can find a man

that can keep up with me.

Do you know how hard
it is being in a world

surrounded by so many boys
that can't handle a woman

who can out drink, out
earn and out fuck them,

for the love of God?

Do you know how many
men cannot fuck?

- There's a few.
- No.

- And some can.
- None of them know

how to eat pussy. I'll
tell you that right now.

- See, I beg to differ.
- No.

In fact, I would
argue there are one,

maybe two people in
this general vicinity

who can do it with the ferocity
of a fucking tyrannosaurus

No, No.

- Larry.
- Larry.

Can you please, for
the love of God,

give me one more round.

I'll be you

that if they fuck, I'll
make you a steak dinner.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Wearing nothing but an apron.

If I lose?

Oh, when you lose,

you have to eat my ass
out on this throne.

Well, why wait? Why don't
I eat it fuckin' right now?

Daddy's hungry.

Ah! Daddy!

Oh!

I can trace it back
every fucking time.

The second they cut their hair,
they cut their worst record!

Ah, it's just such
an absurd claim.

It isn't... It's a fucking
absurdly correct claim.

Is what it is. Okay?

Do you remember that
fucking study I showed you?

- Oh, yeah. The scientist one.
- Yes, the fuckin' scientist one.

The second that
they cut the hair of

a Native American
person, they lost, like,

- all sense of intuition.
- Okay.

- Like fucking all of it.
- First off.

- And it's really scary.
- First off.

Whatever bullshit fucking blog
you pulled that study off...

- A government study, dude.
- Government.

Has about as much merit as
the fucking Reddit thread.

- Okay.
- Second off, second off,

that has absolutely zero
fucking merit when it comes to

talking about somebody's
actual musical ability.

Okay. I'm going to go
through the fucking list.

- Okay, do it.
- Metallica.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

They cut their hair, the
fuckers release "Load."

Yeah? Soundgarden.
Cornell cuts his hair off.

Opts for the Spencers Gift
tips with the frosted spikes,

and then the motherfuckers
release "Superunknown"!

- What is that?!
- Boom! Boom right there, bitch!

Voids your argument?
Do you know why?

- Why? Tell me why.
- 'Cause "Superunknown",

- peak Soundgarden.
- Oh, fuckin'...

- Are you kidding me?
- Not one bad track on the album.

Are you actually going
to stop with the fucking

Jesus Christ pose right now?

What the fuck?!
Are you serious?!

Are you fuckin'...

Are you fucking kidding me?

That's so fuckin'
dumb, so fuckin' dumb.

Let me guess.

You prefer you prefer,
uh, you prefer Van Hagar?

"Prefer" is a strong word.
They lost zero appeal

when Diamond Dave ducked out.

- Oh! Really?
- Yes, really.

Because it's around
that time that they got

rid of their guitar god,
and then replaced him

with a synth loving
clone of said guitar god.

Alright, get your ass
off the bar, Robbie.

- Oh.
- Hate to break up the party.

I got four little
diaper pissers at home.

They're going to wake me
up in four hours. Let's...

Yes, thank you.

I don't want to listen to
this fucking guy anyway.

- Sweet baby. Jesus.
- Mm, got my card.

Slow your roll, Larry. Got
two more coming my way.

- I'll pour you one.
- Hands behind your back.

- Hands behind my back?
- You're lucky like you.

Yeah, and you're lucky I
don't have health inspector

shut this shit hole down.

He's right.

Is he right?

- And pour Tori and her new beau.
- Oh, thanks, man.

One and one for yourself, Larry.

I didn't know you
two were a thing.

- We're not.
- Yet.

Get fucked.

Ah, yeah!

The wife's back is
with her family.

So that's why I'm
spending Christmas alone.

Unless you count
that fucking mutt

that won't keep its trap shut.

Why do you have a
fucking dog then, man?

You think I wanted that thing?

- That's all Donna.
- Okay.

That little son of a whore
is like an angel around her.

But with me, just me, it
won't shut the fuck up

because I won't spoil
him, like Donna does.

Just like with her old man.

Yeah, I think... I think
it sounds like the dog just

probably needs, like, some
lovin' from Daddy Monroe.

- Like.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think the little bastard
needs his balls clipped.

- Hey, man.
- Sure.

Donna had me get
my balls clipped

- two days after Henry was born.
- Jesus fucking Christ.

You're gonna wake up
a sleeping, Junior.

Well, uh, here,
let's have a toast.

I think you've had
enough there, Supercuts.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Here, let me, uh, cover what
these kids are drinking.

- Oh, no, no, that's...
- No, hey, hey, hey, hey.

- You...
- Thank you, Chief.

- Keep the rest for yourself.
- Thank you.

Watch yourself with that one.

Merry Christmas, Sheriff.

Shit, that little
punk motherfucker,

wipe that smirk off...

Mm. That sucked the
fucking Christmas early.

God damn, what a sad
fuckin' human being.

You gonna be good to drive?

Uh, no.

I drove with Robbie... I
fuckin' walked with Robbie.

If I drove you, you'd be fucked.

So much for drinking
every guy under the table.

Excuse me. You've got, like,
at least five pounds on me.

Soaking wet maybe.

Get her home safe. Robbie.

What the fuck's that's
supposed to mean?

- It's a big world out there.
- You get home safe.

Better watch for your children.

- I'm just kidding.
- Sounded so threatening.

- Good night.
- Thank you, Larry.

- Ugh.
- Come on.

Yes!

Oh, shit.

Not yet.

It's coming early.

Hold it. No, baby, hold it.

Hold it! You better not!

Fuck! You better not!

Ah!

Like, what did he
arrest you for?

It was fucking...
You were like...

You were like pissing
on a playground.

I didn't know the kid was
going to show up like that.

Oh, fuck, and the
kid was his grandson.

Yeah, I made him a man.

That's fucked. You took
that away from him.

- I know.
- You took it away him.

Somebody help!

Do you want to keep
drinking, or...?

I mean, yeah. What
are you thinking?

- What am I thinking?
- Yeah.

You can come over and
kill that bottle with me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Come kill the fucking bottle.

I said come over for a
drink, not over for a fuck.

Well, it sounds like someone's
hankering for a little bit of...

- You hear that?
- Hear what?

Yeah, dawg!

Jay hitting that pipe.

Yeah, he's hitting
that fucking pipe.

Speaking of, have you seen it?

Yeah, it's fucking fat as fuck.

- It's fat.
- Oh, he be gaping that shit

for sure.

How old are you, fuckin' 12?

I can see you smoking
that blunt from here!

- I didn't fuckin' ask...
- I said give it to me!

I need to salvage
this Lincoln Log...

- No!
- Before you run it into

the fuckin' ground.

Yeah, I want to fuckin'
salvage this thing.

What are we watching
when we get to yours,

"A Christmas Story"?

What is your fucking obsession
with "A Christmas Story"?

What's your issue with
"A Christmas Story"?

You're the one that
brought it up earlier.

Everyone's obsessed with it.

If you want to watch a
Bob Clark Christmas movie

will watch fucking
"Black Christmas."

Oh, that... That
Blumhouse joint?

I'm just going to
drive myself home.

No, no, no. You said we
were going to my car...

If you want to go home
and fucking jerk off

- to fucking Blumhouse movies...
- Get your fuckin' ass over here.

Okay, but are you done spewing
garbage out of your fuckin'

- whore mouth?
- Oh, there it is.

There's your fuckin'
Rhode Island accent.

I maybe sound like
I'm from Rhode Island,

but at least I don't have
shit taste in movies,

shit opinions on everything,
and drive a fucking shit car.

Uh, excuse me, this is basically

the same as your fucking car.

Don't say that about
her. She's beautiful.

- Also...
- I get her first.

My lady. My lady. You got
to get in on this side.

You haven't got this
fucking car fixed yet?

With what you pay me,

you think I can
afford a fucking door?

What are you doing
with your paychecks?

- This is...
- My minimum, my minimum...

That's embarrassing.

My minimum fucking
wage paycheck.

Yeah, your minimum
fucking wage paycheck.

- Get it.
- That should be

- a fucking priority.
- Please.

- Wow.
- Lady.

No, I changed my fucking
mind. I changed my mind.

Hop in, hot shot. We got
fucking whiskey waiting.

- Get in.
- Oh, whiskey you say?

- Yes.
- Okay, in that case,

- shut your fucking mouth.
- Oh, this mouth.

This fucking whore mouth and
that devil's tongue, baby.

- Ew, shut the... Robbie.
- Come on, what?

- This is a...
- Get your fuckin' ass in.

Don't touch my fuckin' ass.

She got a bit of a
fight in her. All right.

- Call fucking H.R.
- I'll give you space.

No wonder you don't
get fuckin' laid.

- Look at this.
- What?

No wonder you don't
get fucking laid.

- This is disgusting.
- It adds to the flavor.

Adds to the flavor of what?
A fucking chicken coop.

This is fucked up.

Some empty cans and bottles.
That's Tori Tooms' break?

No, but it's the nail
in the fucking coffin

because this is really bad.

- Come on, baby.
- How do you live like this?

- Let's cowboy up.
- Just take my car.

Just take my fucking card.

You just got to be
patient with her.

I'm gonna lose my buzz.

- Hey!
- Oh, God.

- Jesus.
- Feel that between my pants.

We're going to have to roll
this up the hill ourselves.

- Alright.
- Whoa. Jesus fucking Christ.

I don't feel safe.
What are you... okay.

She's road worthy. Don't
even worry about it.

Okay! Here we go.

Oh, if this guy parks
his fucking Ranchero here

one more time, I'm
going to total it,

smash out his fucking windows.

Little harsh to the Griswolds.

NO, it's boozin' Benny down
at the bottom of the hill.

- He's a fucking alcoholic.
- Boozin' Benny.

Just pull up behind
my sister's car.

Wait. Your sister is here?

Do you not listen to
a fucking thing I say?

Well, I mean, I listen,
but I don't retain.

Yeah, well, I don't
want to retain the stink

from this fucking
chicken coop, so get out.

Come on, let's go drink.

- Beautiful.
- Oh, Jesus.

- All right, my lady.
- Listen, I really can't...

Please exit your chariot.

I honestly... I'm... whoa.

I'm too drunk for this. Jesus.

Walk carefully,
please. Thank you.

And treat her with
respect and dignity.

Uh, welcome to my humble abode.

Yeah, it's cute. It's uh...

Charming, classy,
cute. I know.

- Yeah, sure.
- Extravagant.

- Rustic.
- Yeah.

Humble. Barn-like.

I really hope we don't
take my sister out because

I don't want to have to
awkwardly introduce you.

Wait, so are we drinking
alone tonight, or what?

Robbie, do not
fucking listen to me?

They're out cold.

Out cold already? It's
not even midnight.

Plus, my lame ass brother in
law doesn't even drink, so...

Oh, that fucking
cunt Mike. Yeah?

Mr. Hollywood? Yeah.

These goddamn neighbors and
their fucking obnoxious lights.

Hey, Tori.

How much music was there
in "Unsolved Mysteries"?

- What?
- I mean, like, I don't...

I don't want to... I
don't want to scare you,

like, in your own home,
but there's like six hours

worth of the "Unsolved
Mysteries" soundtrack?

What the fuck is your problem
with "Unsolved Mysteries"?

I mean, like, 30 second
intro, and then, like,

do you need six hours?

Have you heard it?

No, not the entire fucking
expanse of isolated soundtrack.

Oh, well, it is the fucking
creepiest goddamn synth pads

you will ever hear
in your fucking life.

- Mm-hmm. Right.
- They're amazing. Put it on.

Yeah, okay. No, I've already
got something queued up.

No, put it on. I want you to
get like soaked up and like

- immersed in it.
- No, no, no, I'm good.

- I'm good.
- It's so good. Please.

Robbie. All right, fine. At
least I know it won't be "Load."

- Oh, I know. I already looked.
- Oh, did you?

Of course. Oh,
come on, Robbie.

"Rhythms From a Cosmic Sky" is,
like, at least four times...

Oh, you're the worst
fuckin' opinion.

No, everybody knows that.
What are you talking about?

Uh, it's in your collection.

Yeah, because I'm a
completist. Thank you.

- Not for Metallica.
- Shut up.

Follow... get that fucking
thing away from me.

Okay.

I'm weirdly turned on by this.

- Really?
- But I need you to stop.

Hey, Freddy. Buddy,
let's not open gifts.

There's absolutely
no fucking way

that you actually think
that "Pet Sematary 2"

is better than the
fucking first one!

It's twice is good, if not
fucking three times, okay?

It's good. Not better.
Not better. No.

Edward Furlong,
Clancy fucking Brown.

Who, by the way, chews up
scenery like it's a piece of

fucking gum, and
that soundtrack.

They've got 12 tracks
of female fronted

fucking aggressive as
hell, early '90s grunge!

Traci Lords has three
goddamn songs on the album,

and they're fucking
good, they're so good.

So, you think it's better
because Traci Lords, porn star,

fucking superstar, big titty
Traci Lords has, what, like,

fuckin' two tracks on the album.

No, three, by the
way, and better story.

Better music,
obviously. Better kills.

Better makeup, better
fucking cast and...

Lord Gwynn aside, I will
say, you got me there.

But Mary Lambert, she was
finally given free reign.

- Yeah, that was a mistake.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- What?

What fucking Neanderthal
puts salsa on nachos

- before they cook them?
- Me.

Freddy, put it away
and get to bed.

- "Elm Street."
- Part 6, "Freddy's Dead."

- Come the fuck on.
- Yeah.

Whoa! Hellraiser?

- "Hell on Earth."
- Child's Play?

- 2.
- Alien?

- "Covenant."
- Oh, no, No, no.

- Yes.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,

- okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Okay.

Blair Witch?

-Book of Motherfucking
Shadows", bitch?

It's a fucking classic, and
you're going to watch it,

and you'll... stop.
You'll get it. I promise.

Do you use your little
fucking fingers, like,

typing on the keyboard,
and you're like,

"Oh, like Reddit,
Reddit thread."

-Shut the fuck up.
No, no, I am like,

I am a gal with fucking
strong opinions.

And now we're going
to take a shot to

"Book of"
motherfuckin' "Shadows"

because it's so good.

Ah.

Oh, fuck.

Jesus.

Freddy, that better not be you.

If you're opening those
gifts, I swear to God.

Hey, you know what happens
if I come down there.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Sorry, sorry.

Fuck it.

Freddy? Freddy, is
that you, buddy?

Said we weren't gonna open
or touch any of these gifts

till Santa got...

Get the fuck out of my house.
I'm calling the cops right now.

Oh, shit!

Wait.

Oh, king shit.

Frankie, what was...

Frankie!

Oh, what the fuck?

That was...

unexpected.

Too bad find out
about that earlier.

Yeah, it's too bad.

This thing is USDA approved
organic prime man meat.

Sorry, Are you
asking me to peg you?

I'm not asking. I'm inviting.

Please, sir, may I have a hit?

No! Pl... Aah!

I'm gonna get some more
whiskey, flip the record.

Come back up.
Don't fucking move.

Mom?

Mommy?

You okay?

Santa?

Where's Mommy?

Did you bring me
any good presents?

You did!

Oh. Fuck, fuck!

Fuck me.

Damn it.

Jesus.

That's fucked.

Not stupid clothes again.

Why are you so bloody?

Mommy?

Mom!

- Oh, fuck!
- What?

- This guy...
- Tori!

I think he maybe just
killed the kid next door.

What the hell are
you talking about?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck!

Call the fucking
cops now. Come on.

Fuck. Have you seen my
phone? Fuck! Get my phone!

- It's upstairs.
- Shit. Is your phone down here?

Robbie, go! Find a phone!

Robbie? He's gone.

What?

Robbie, he's fucking gone.

He saw us. The fucker's
gonna come over here.

Find a phone and
get the fuck out.

I have to get my sister.

Liddy, Mike, wake the fuck
up. Get your asses out of bed.

There's no time to
explain. Come on, we...

- Come on. We have to go.
- What is going on?

Uh, uh, where's your phone?

It's up there. There
weren't any outlets.

Okay. Get out of bed.
Put your shoes on.

Put your shoes
on now. Come on.

Mike, get the fuck up.
I'm trying to help you.

- Alright, alright.
- Does it look like I'm joking?

You fucking idiot!
Get out of bed!

All right, come on,
move it. You should go.

No, you go. Mike,
get the fuck out.

- Alright.
- Go!

Fuck you, go.

I have no idea what
the fuck my phone is.

Shut up. Shut the fuck up.

Where are you keys?

I don't know.

I must have left them in
the truck or something.

Well, if they're not in the
fucking truck, where are they?

I don't fucking know, do I?

Liddy, do you have your keys?
Your fucking keys, Liddy?

- Where are they?
- Get the keys.

The keys? What do you
want with the fuckin'...

Shut the fuck up, you cunt.

Okay. Do you want me
to get the keys or not?

- Yes.
- Fine. I'll get the keys.

Jesus.

Did anybody see where he went?

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

We're going to go
to the basement.

- What if it's in the basement?
- Then we don't have

anywhere to go, do we?

Okay, hang on.

All right, I got the keys.

- Shh!
- Look, I didn't even

want to come here
in the first...

Shut the fuck up,
Mike. Shut the fuck up.

Get up!

Run!

Get out!

Go! Fucking! Go!

Liddy!

Get... fuck! Shit!

No!

No! Please!

No! Please! No!

Hey, hey, you got to get
in, you got to get in,

you got to get in,
you got to get in,

Hey, she's not coming? Okay.

- I need my sister...
- Listen to me. Listen to me.

Listen to me, listen. Okay,
she's not coming, okay?

You've got to get in the
car. Okay? For me. Please.

Please, please,
please, please, please.

Yeah, okay, come on. Yeah.

Get up, come on.
Just get in there.

Yeah, okay, get in there.

I need Liddy here right now.

- I need Liddy here.
- Hey.

- Come on, Robbie!
- Come on!

Fuck you! Fuck!

Go, Robbie, come on.

Robbie! Robbie!

- Fuck.
- Oh, fuck!

Are you all right?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Well, we got to...

We got to go. We got to go
because he's gonna come back.

Come on!

- Fuck! It's stuck.
- Try going forward.

What the fuck?!

- Fuck.
- Oh, fuck!

Totaled by fuckin' Ranchero!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

- Come on.
- Fuck!

You fucking cocksuckers!

- Hey.
- B, hey, hey.

Get the fuck out of the car.

I can't get out of the
fucking car. Listen to me.

What is with this door? Hey,
you two bit fuckin' scumbag,

get the fuck out of
the car. Come on.

- Oh, what the fuck?
- Fuck!

Get out of the fucking car!

Oh, look, the paint's
all fucked up, man!

I just got this detailed!

I'm calling the fuckin'
cops on your ass, Tori.

- Hello?
- Go now.

- 246...
- Fuck. He's coming.

He's right there! Hey!

He can't fucking
hear you because...

- Hey, behind you!
- Hey, behind you!

- Behind you!
- No, no, no, no!

No!

Stop fucking honking!

Oh!

Okay, go.

Go, come on, let's go!

I'm trying!

Oh, oh!

Okay, okay! Fucking drive!

No! No! No!

No!

Fucker! Robbie! No, fuck off!

Robbie!

No! No! Robbie! No!

Oh, fuck!

No, Robbie. You got to get up.

You got to get up right now.
Get up right now, come on!

Get your ass... get
your ass up, come on!

Get the fuck up, Robbie!

Somebody help us!

Where the fuck is everyone?

No! Robbie, Robbie,
he's coming back.

Come on, get up, get up.

Get it here, Robbie!

No! Behind you!

Behind you!

No!

Robbie!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Hide!

Drop the weapon!

Now!

Hey!

Don't come any closer!

Kill this motherfucker!

Drop the weapon now!

This is Officer Danny Davis.

I got at least three people
down at 246 Chestnut.

Send back up and an
ambulance immediately.

It's gonna be okay.

Don't touch me. Don't touch me!

It's okay. Help is on the way.

Help is on the way, okay?

- Are you sure he's dead?
- Yes. He's dead.

He's dead.

He's not getting up.

I got you.

Oh, Robbie.

- I got you.
- Oh, Robbie. Robbie!

It's okay, it's okay. Don't
look at him. Don't look at him.

Okay, stay calm. Help
is on the way, alright?

It's gonna be okay. It's gonna
be fi... Watch your head.

Can you tell me what happened?

- You need to check the store.
- What?

The toy store. You need
to check the toy store.

Why?

Because that thing looks exactly
like the Santa from the store.

You mean the T.W. Bonkers thing?

Yeah.

That fucking guy looks exactly
like the thing from the store.

I can assure it's not
on the same Santa.

No, no, that's... I'm
saying that maybe he took

the fucking suit or something.

And my friends, my friends
were staying the night there,

and... and maybe that fucker
killed them and then took

the fucking suit.
That's what I'm saying.

He didn't get that
thing anywhere.

You need to fucking
check! Okay?

- There's only a few of us, okay?
- I don't fucking care.

Listen to me. No one's been
fucking listening to me.

There's only a few of us!

You need to do a
fucking drive by!

- More people are gonna die!
- Once everything...

Once everything is all right,
I can go back and do a check.

More people are
gonna fucking die!

Calm down.

Shoot him! Fucking shoot him!

Blow his fucking head
off, Davies, now!

He's done for!

Ah!

Davies?

Davies? Davies, get the fuck up!

Hey! Oh, you fuckin'
idiot! Come on!

Get up!

Behind you!

No, no, no, no, no!

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Hello? Officer Davis
was killed, okay?

He's fucking dead.
Is anyone there?

Listen to me.

The officers going
to 246 Chestnut

need to be fucking careful
because the killer is

still there, and he looks
like fucking Santa, okay?

He's in a Santa costume.

Fuck!

Oh, fuck.

Yes, go!

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

- Get on the ground!
- No, I've been calling you!

Don't fuckin' move!
On the ground!

- Get on the ground!
- Get your hands on your head!

- I need your help!
- Hands on your head.

- I need your...
- Get your fucking hands

- on your head!
- Fine, I'm fucking sorry!

Get your hands on
your fucking head!

- No, no, no, I need your help.
- Where's Davies?

I need your help. I need
your fucking help, man.

Where is Davies? Get your
hands behind your back.

He's dead, he's dead, he's dead.

- What did you just say?
- He's dead. He's fuckin' dead.

They're all fucking dead.

- Bullshit! Where is he!
- He's dead!

I've been trying to
fucking tell you!

- What did you do?
- I didn't do anything?

-I didn't do anything
-What did you do?

I need your fuckin' help!
I need your fuckin' help!

- Get up, sweetheart. Get up!
- I need... Ah!

He's still there!

You need help, you need help.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey! I call the shots!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Weston, you get down

to Chestnut. I'm taking
her... I'm taking you in.

You can't alone. You're
gonna fuckin' die.

- Listen.
- You need to call in some...

- Hey!
- You got to fuckin listen to me.

You're gonna fucking
die. He killed everybody.

- You need back up!
- Get in the fuckin' car!

- You need back up!
- Fuck! Shut the fuck up.

What do you want to
do with Davies' car?

Nothing. Don't touch it.

Fucking crime scene.

I'll call and have it
towed into the station.

Alright. Be safe.

I need your fucking help.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Do you fucking job.

Shut the fuck up!

You can't send him there alone.

I don't think you're in any
position to tell me what to do.

You know, you're in a
world of hurt, lady.

- No fucking...
- You're in a world

- of fucking shit.
- No fucking idea!

We caught you covered in
blood and a missing cop...

Unit 17, Smith, you there?

Yeah. This is unit 17.
This is Smith. Go ahead.

This is Lenny.
We just got here.

It's a massacre, and we
haven't even been inside yet.

Alright, copy that. Look,
don't make a move, alright?

Just hang back. Weston's
on his way down there.

Any word from Renn County?

Just us right now, sir.

Any sign of Davies?

He's dead, sir.

Fuck! Fuck! Motherfucker!

I just saw you at Reggie's
three goddamn hours ago.

I don't understand.

What is there to
fucking understand?

What I don't understand is
the lax fucking attitude

when people are fucking dead.

Look, Tori, we know you
didn't murder anyone,

but we're having a hard time
believing what you're saying.

I'm having a hard time
fucking believing it. Okay?

But I saw it. I saw it
with my own goddamn eyes.

And my fucking eyes
don't lie. Okay, Monroe?

Listen, I can smell the
weed and whiskey on you

- from a mile away.
- Yeah. So fucking what?

I smoked some weed. I
had some fucking whiskey.

But that does not
make you hallucinate.

I promise you. I promise you.

After what I saw, I'm sober.
I'm sober as a fucking...

Oh, that's good you're sober.
Well, I hate to break it to you,

Ms. Tooms, but it
is still illegal.

Can you shut the fuck
up? Shut the fuck up!

My sister is dead!

Okay? My fucking
friends are dead.

Not that you give
a fuck about him.

But what are you
going to do about it?

- What do you...
- Hey! Hey!

The best goddamn officer
in this precinct is dead.

Now, if you want to be
the one to tell his widow.

Oh, fuck. Debbie. Someone's
got to tell Debbie.

Hey, hey, hey, Bobby.

We're all getting a
little emotional here.

Just cut it. Both of
yous. You, sit down.

Get this fucking off
your fucking desk.

Have you heard from the
boys down at the scene yet?

Not since Renn County showed up.

They're still down
there counting bodies.

Nothing about a killer
Santa Claus either.

Well, why don't you
give him a call?

It's been a little while now.
See if they need any help.

I think they got
it under control.

Double check.

Fuck!

You need to keep that
asshole away from me, Monroe.

He's worked with Davies
for over 15 years now.

We're tight staff. Look around.

It's been a rough
night for all of us.

Bear with us.

We'll do the same.

Just breathe.

Okay, I'm going to brew
a fresh pot of coffee.

There's a bathroom down the hall

if you want to clean
yourself up some.

There is no fucking
back up, man.

Just hold on a second.
Just hold on a second.

We got to think this out.

Oh, shit.

Have tried the guys from Renn?

Yep, Renn, paramedics, Weston.

Nothing.

CHP? Anything?

- Nope.
- Hey. Hey. Hey.

- What's going on?
- You coming with me or not?

Something happen? You guys
can't go back to my house.

- I told you.
- We're police, Tori.

- That's what we do.
- Well, no.

You need to call the fucking
National Guard or something.

He wiped everybody out.
He's going to wipe you out!

Hey, you know, Monroe,
maybe you should stay here.

You can, baby sit
the little girl.

Okay, you know what? If
you don't want to fucking

listen to me, you go
out there and die.

Because, quite frankly,
I don't fucking care.

Tori, we're going to go,
we're gonna lock the door.

- No, no.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.

What is that?

Yeah. What the fuck is that?

That an ambulance?

Oh, fuck. It's him.

Oh, Santa Claus?

- Yeah, it's fuckin' Santa Claus.
- Fuckin' Santa Claus!

It's the motherfucker
that killed everybody.

Okay, okay, uh...

- Oh, fuck.
- He's not stopping.

Fuck!

Fuck! Ah!

Is everyone all right?

Yeah, I think I'm fine.

- Tori?
- Uh, yeah.

Jesus Christ. What
the fuck was that?

Hey, Tori, take these,
go to the holding room,

lock yourself in.

No, no, no! There's
fucking people dead.

You need to give me a gun. You
need to give me a fucking gun.

- Where the driver?
- You're 38. Give her your 38.

Are you out of
your fucking mind?

- Give me your fucking gun.
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, do you even know
how to use that thing?

Yeah. You aim is and
pull the fucking trigger.

Yeah?

Let's go.

Cover me.

Okay. I'm clear.

Tori, get in there!

Stay away from the fucking
car! He's in there!

Do you see anything?

Something's not right.
Something's not right!

Yeah, he's not fucking human.
That's what's not right.

Do you see anything?

Monroe! Monroe!

Oh, fuck!

Where are you, motherfucker?!

Show yourself!

Get out of here now!

Come on, motherfucker!
Let me see your face.

Hey!

Come on, fuck you!

Oh, no, wait!

No! No!

Aah!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, God. Okay.

Hello? Oh, fuck!

Fuck.

Okay, okay, okay.

Uh...

Hello?

Hello?

Fuck!

Hello? Hello, is anyone there?

Dispatch, I'm at the
fuckin' police station.

I need your help.

Hello? Someone fuckin'
answer me, please.

Fuck!

Fuck you!

No! No! No!

No! No!

No, no! No!

Fucking cocksucker!

Hello? Hello? Can
anybody hear me?

Everybody's fucking dead!
Please, someone, please!

Fuck! Okay. Come on,
come on, come on.

Yes, come on! Come on!

Yes! Yes!

Ah!

Oh, fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck you! No!

Fuck you!

No! No!

No!

What the fuck?! Fuck!

Fuck you!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!

What the fuck?!

Okay.

No, no, no, no!

No!

Oh, fuck.

Fuck!

Come on. Come on.

Come on! No, no, no!

Come on!

Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, come on!

Come on! Fuck you!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck!

No!

Fuck! No!

No! No!

No! No! No!

Fuck! Fuck!

Ah! Fuck!

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