All language subtitles for Gossip.Girl.2021.S02E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪ ("PAS D'ICI"
BY EHLA PLAYING) ♪

GOSSIP GIRL:
Sweet afternoon, amorous ones.

To celebrate
or not to celebrate?

That is not a question.

One simple thing separates

those who love Valentine's Day
from those who do not,

and it has nothing to do
with candy hearts

or singing telegrams.

It's all about that plus one.

Or in some cases, that plus two.

(PANTS) What? Thought
you like it when I bite.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Uh, you two go.
Um, I wanna watch.

That's the third time
he's sat out this week.

(BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY)

We'll just give him a show then.

GOSSIP GIRL:
But what about those of you

who are spending
this V-Day plus none?

JULIEN CALLOWAY:
Welcome to "Stop the Story."

Obie was my first real love.

And I wanted to show all of you
just how great that love was.

But... I picked and chose
what I saw.

I'm stopping that story.

I'm gonna take you
behind the scenes of moments

that looked perfect
but were actually painful.

Curated instead of experienced.

Hoped Obie would be my guest
on pulling back that curtain,

but... (BREATHES DEEPLY)
...as you can see,

he's stopped my story
all by himself.

Okay. Leave a comment.
Have you made amends with an ex?

Do you hope to?

And I'll see you back here
at five,

for the truth about how hard
"making it look easy" is

on the people who love you.

GOSSIP GIRL: What really matters
are the ways we show up

for that special someone.

And making sure
they're showing up for you, too.

OBIE BERGMANN:
I have a surprise for you.

Better be a black car
taking you to school.

You're gonna be late.

Look, I've missed you this week,

and I wanted to do something
special for your...

coming back up and all.
So I decided I'd make breakfast

from your favorite restaurant.
And then I remembered

that you really like
the gougères at Benoit.

And more importantly,
I don't know how to cook.

So I thought,
why not bring Benoit to you?

(CELLPHONE DINGS)

Maybe it's... too much.

But a week is a long time
to be apart from your perfect,

amazing,
hopefully famished girlfriend.

(CHUCKLES) It's wonderful.

Can't it be like this
all the time?

You know I'd be here if I could.

If only I could be two places
at once. (CHUCKLES)

GOSSIP GIRL:
This Hallmark-created holiday

is for kissing and telling.

Or wanting to kiss
and telling them, too.

Is that another new suit?

Yeah. Greyson de Haan
sent a couple over.

Part of the welcome, I guess.

Or a reminder
that he bought you.

Like Monet buys people.

You know, it kinda runs
in their family.

Slow down, 1619 Project.

You're forgetting,
I'm not for sale.

Right. I'm sure that's what
the Post told Bezos.

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(KATE KELLER CHUCKLES)

GOSSIP GIRL:
Whatever your plans,

Liz Taylor once said,

-"Pour yourself a drink..."
-(CELLPHONE BUZZES)

"...put on some lipstick,
and pull yourself together."

So, followers, pucker up.

-BARISTA: Small iced oat latte?
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY
THROUGH EARBUDS) ♪

Excuse me. Iced oat latte?

-Oh, yeah. Sorry.
-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

Wait.

Didn't we meet
at the debutante thing or...

-I thought I recognized you.
-(JULIEN CHUCKLES)

-Uh, Graham Smith.
-Julien Calloway.

Nice to see you again,
away from...

whatever it is that was.
(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)
You got a gig near here?

Just on my way to class.
I go to Mannes School of Music.

You just carry that thing
everywhere with you, huh?

You get used to it.
It was more ridiculous

when I was twelve
and it was twice my size.

-(CHUCKLES)
-You play anything?

Uh, this is the only
instrument I'm any good with.

And what do you do with that?

Well, I used to use it
to perpetuate a whole bunch

of lies to help people feel bad
about themselves.

But now I'm trying this thing
called honesty, you know?

Pulling back the facade.
Exposing the lies beneath.

Oh, how postmodern.

Or what I'm doing
before I distract myself

with something else?

I feel like
I keep trying things,

and nothing seems to be working.

Maybe this time.

As much as I appreciate
the company,

isn't this the wrong way
to Mannes?

Wow, she knows where Mannes is!

My dad's a musician--
Uh, was a musician. So.

I kinda wanna hear more about
your "Stop the Story" thing.

Okay, I started following you
after the deb brawl.

-Way to bury the lede!
-(LAUGHS)

Well, the next one I'm doing

is about being tragically single
on Valentine's Day.

You could make
a guest appearance?

You're married?
How old are you?

Twenty-one. Uh.
High school sweetheart.

Long story.

I'm sure it's a really good one.

Yeah, it's, um...

She's great.

Nice to meet you officially,
Graham.

You too.

(EXHALES)

Hey, so, unexpected news.

We already know about you
and Shubin.

Nothing to know.
Just hanging out.

Clothes on or off?

Wendy! I don't wanna hear
about that.

She's not your mom.
She's allowed to have sex.

Gossip Girl just got
photographic evidence

that Greyson de Haan
is cheating on Camille.

Merry Christmas.

Isn't that, like, the one gift
you've always wanted?

Where is it? I keep refreshing.

Ugh. I miss being in
on the action.

I didn't post it yet.

I thought I would do
the right thing.

Tell Camille privately first.

It's not because
goody-two-Shubins

is getting to you?

-Morning.
-Morning.

I simply thought
I would extend it

as a sort of
interpersonal olive branch

to repair whatever wrong foot
she and I got off on.

Right, because telling someone
their husband

is cheating on them
always makes them like you.

Jillian Vose is guesting
at DUMBO Hall tonight.

What do you say
to a Valentine's Eve pre-game?

And then after,
since Dad and Pops

are further cementing
their reconciliation,

we've got an entire townhouse
to ourselves.

We might have to try some
new things in some new rooms.

♪ (DRAMATIC
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I... promised my mom
we'd hang out.

I haven't...
haven't seen her in a while.

MAX WOLFE: Your mom?

Um, I'll see you
at brunch tomorrow?

MAX: Mm.

That's odd.
Jodie always spends V-Day

-in Vail with Warren Buffet.
-Mm-hmm.

Don't ask me
how that guy still skis.

Are you sure
she's going this year?

I helped her pick
an après-ski look
just last week.

MAX: First he shuts down in bed,
and now he's lying to us.

My spidey senses are tingling,
Hope. And not in a good way.

AKI MENZIES: How long
is Grace here this time?

Forty-eight hours. (SIGHS)

Yeah, I mean, it was great
when we were together every day.

But now, you know, like,
after this trip,

she doesn't plan on coming back
for a month.

This long-distance thing's jus--

You know.
I mean, it kills relationships.

What if you didn't have
to do it?

What, just leave school
and follow her

on her mom's campaign trail?

Why doesn't she
just enroll here?

-Like... like Constance here?
-No, look, I'm sure she wants

to spend as much time with you
as you do her.

Maybe she's just waiting
for you to ask.

Thanks, Ak. I hadn't, uh...
I hadn't thought of that.

OBIE: C'mon.
Let's get out of here.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

-I felt that chill from here.
-Okay, so it's not just me.

Oh, no. No.
He's definitely avoiding you.

Just like old times!

Good thing we get
to turn our minds off

at our annual spa day.

Our minds? You too?

With two people,
it's easy to know

when you're on the same page,

but what if
there isn't room for three?

Gotta think about
how to work out our kinks

while Tamiko works out
my kinks tomorrow.

And as for Mr. Bergmann,

I think you know
what that's about.

That it's hard being friends
with an ex

with your new girlfriend around

no matter how much you wish
it wasn't.

"Stop the Story,"
I think she's got it.

"Can she let it be?"
is another story.

Let's get falafel,
hang at Bleeker playground.

Time Out rated it
the best place to dump someone,

so there's bound to be
some deeply tragic breakups

night before V-Day. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, while that sounds
absolutely terrible...

SHAN BARNES: Mm-hmm.

...I'm committed to spending
the day with my dad.

-(SHAN GROANS)
-ZOYA LOTT: Yeah,

we're committed to this bit

where we painfully mask
the weirdness between us.

And I know you think
he's some, like,

burgeoning corporate overlord,
but what if he's a Trojan Horse?

You know? Changing things
secretly from the inside?

-SHAN: Hmm.
-Yeah. He's a good guy.

Unless you know
something I don't.

-♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
-(CHUCKLES)

How bout I join you guys?
I need help with my V-Day plans.

I'm going full Bachelorette,
ten suitors lined up

for the Kiss on the Lips party.

Ten? I don't even have one.

-What about Terrell?
-Terrell who?

Don't play like you haven't
been stalking him

-since the deb ball.
-You can't stalk somebody

who doesn't
have social media presence.

Do you know
how many pictures I've seen

that are just "hashtag Terrell?"

I know nothing about him
besides how hot he is.

Girl, that's why
you ask someone out.

-The "out" is to find out.
-MONET DE HAAN: Move it, peons!

-Sorry.
-Whoa, yeah. (CHUCKLES) Sorry.

He was Monet's escort.
Get her to hook you up.

I'm not asking the queen
of mean.

Fine. I will. Yo Mo Mo!

Lil Z's and me's
has a query for ya.

-♪ (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Are they on the agenda?

It's just one simple question.

We don't need
an appointment for that.

BIANCA BREER: Have you ever
heard of precedence?

If we do it for you,
we have to do it for anyone.

And we do not do things
for anyone.

Um... Terrell Carter.

I was wondering if you could
make an intro for me with him?

Do I look like Cupid for poors?
Kindly move along.

The lower steps
are getting bold.

PIPPA SYKES:
What is Harris wearing?

Queen D, I know your dress code
said only designer khakis,

but Matches, Mr. Porter,

and Essence sold out
in my sample size,

so I had no choice
but to Rag and Bone.

I kneel before thee as a sign
of remorse.

It'll never happen again.

Hey, I eased up
on the dress code last week.

But addressing me
by my proper title? That stays.

Thank you for this kindness.

MONET: Mm.

No, be who you are!
It's okay!

Why does no one believe me?

We all thought it was a trick.

They're expecting
to be excoriated.

Were you actually serious?

What-- When am I ever not?
Yes, I mean,

too many restrictions
is turning people against me.

-I can feel it.
-Yes, because they fear you.

MONET: I want them to like
and fear me.

Mm. That's not possible.

Sure it is.
Look at Shonda Rhimes.

LUNA LA: You'd have to
give them a reason to like you.

Like Julien did.

Fear may have gotten you
to the top,

but only respect
can keep you there.

Well, isn't teaching them style
and taste worthy of respect?

Julien is kind, okay?

That's why
she gains 20,000 followers

just by blinking on TikTok.

If you want what she has,
you have to rule

with an open hand.
Not an iron fist.

Say more things.

The annual
Kiss on the Lips party.

That only the reigning Queen
gets to throw.

Should be open to all,
not exclusive for next-to-none.

Show everyone a good time,
and you can reign forever.

Oh, Luna.
Forever in La-land.

If you invite all the Ps? 'Kay?
Then the VIs don't show.

Take my advice. Or don't.

The longer this goes on,
the less time you do.

Guess that's what you get
by outsourcing your henchwomen

from Midtown East.

You heard her. Open the gates

and make it friendlier
than ever.

Love is all around.
Got that?

-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(MATÍAS MOANING)

You shouldn't have come here.

I haven't seen you in a week.

Well, the campaign
is keeping me busy.

As well as this Obie guy.

GRACE BYRON:
My mom forbade me to see you.

"This Obie guy" keeps her
off our tracks.

She thinks I'm with him
when I'm with you,

and he thinks I'm with her
when I'm with you.

Works for everyone.

But you weren't
with either of us last week.

-Sometimes that's unavoidable--
-(ELEVATOR RUMBLING)

Wait. Was that the elevator?

It's a big building.

W-- you need to go. Now!

Are you sure
you aren't enjoying him?

-Why aren't you leaving?
-Maybe I want him to see us?

No, Matías, you don't.
(WHISPERS) Please just hide now!

-(ELEVATOR DINGS)
-Obie! (CHUCKLES)

-OBIE: Hi.
-You're back early.

Hi. Yeah.
I just-- I had this idea

and I--
I wanted to share it with you.

There's always the phone.
(CHUCKLES)

Are you okay? You--
you look a little flushed.

I just took a hot shower.
What's up?

Well, I know how much you hate
traveling with your mom.

And I was just thinking
that maybe you didn't have to.

(GASPS) God, you look
so sexy right now!

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(BREATHS DEEPLY)

Sorry, you're just...
so irresistible.

(EXHALES)
What were you going to say?

Um... nothing.
Just, uh, just, uh...

glad we get to spend
Valentine's Day together.

CAMILLE DE HAAN:
Thank you so much.

HEAD TEACHER DUVALL:
Of course, Mrs. de Haan.

Mrs. de Haan.

I was actually hoping
to see you.

And here I am,

just coming from a talk
with our new Head Teacher.

She wanted to get acquainted
and hear who I feel

are standouts
amongst the faculty,

and who I believe
might have slipped in

due to her predecessor's
significantly lower standards.

And, uh, where do I fall
in your eyes? (CHUCKLES)

Before you go,

I owe it to you
to share some information.

I know it's none
of my business,

but...

I saw your husband
this morning

exiting The Bowery
with another woman.

And I can only imagine
if I saw them,

someone else could've,
and go tell Gossip Girl.

Whatever you think you saw,

I assure you,
it was not my husband.

While I do not appreciate
the accusation you're making

about my marriage,

I will not notify
the Head Teacher about this,

purely out of sympathy
for whatever episode

you are clearly having.

But if you ever...

try something like this again,

or if a tip about this ends up
on Gossip Girl,

your head will roll so fast
and so far...

you'll never catch up to it.

-Hey!
-Hey, babe.

-I'm just running late for Jodi.
-Oh, I won't keep you.

I just wanted to check in,
see how you're doing.

Why do you
keep asking me that?

We're your partners!
We want to see how you're doing.

I'm annoyed by you asking?

I would tell you
if I wasn't fine.

Your hair's wet.
Did you just have PE?

Um, yeah. I'll-- I'll see you

at the Kiss on the Lips
party tomorrow.

What did I miss?

(SIGHS) Making Aki upset
for asking him how he was?

PE must've riled him up.

He doesn't take PE
this semester.

He's on the wrestling team.

-And they don't meet today.
-He just showered.

What do you wanna do?

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I wanted to thank you
for your advice earlier.

And I want to thank you
for yours.

I'm gonna be spending
the afternoon alone. Just me.

Same here.
I'm just gonna let Aki, Aki.

-Gonna let Obie, Obie.
-See you tomorrow?

(KISSES)

♪ (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(TRAFFIC HONKING)
-(CAR ALARM BEEPS)

"Dr. Eamonn Veta."
The Menzies' GP.

GOSSIP GIRL: Happy Valentine's
Eve, followers.

Just as certain
as tomorrow will be

our Upper East Sider's annual

ultra-exclusive
Kiss on the Lips party,

I bear the promise
of another sure thing.

This year, Cupid is taking
the day off.

(MATÍAS AND GRACE ARGUING)

GOSSIP GIRL: So to those of you
who might be busy

spending the day
making plans to find love...

know this. I'm taking over.

And I'm going to make sure
you and your loved ones know it.

Have they ever heard
of natural lighting?

(SHUSHES)
Quiet. I'm trying to hear.

I have to take it every day?
And Descovy is the same thing?

-PHARMACIST: As Truvada? Yes.
-Descovy? What's that?

It's PrEP.

(SIGHS) Oh, it's not cancer.
Thank God.

It is for our relationship.

If he's taking it now,
it can only mean one thing.

He's about to cheat on us, Hope.

(CELLPHONE DINGS)

GOSSIP GIRL:
And to kick things off,

let me leave you
with a little blind item.

-(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
-(CELLPHONES CHIME)

GOSSIP GIRL: Nothing is ever
as good as it seems.

And just because you think
you know

the person standing next to you,

doesn't mean
there's not someone else

on the other side of them
that you can't see.

So how much does a place
like this go for, anyways?

That's not a very polite
question to ask, Miss Barnes.

Just curious. It's cool
how you were able to buy it

all of a sudden like that.

Shan.

It wasn't all of a sudden.
The deal's still going through.

I looked. This place listed
for two and a half mil.

But you snapped it up
before you got recruited

-by Darth Pharma.
-Shan!

NICK LOTT: Can we
change the subject please?

I don't think my finances
make good dinner conversation

with teenagers.

My bad. Subject changed.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

No fucking way.
Sweet Home Ali-basic

in illicit lip lock?
Are you sure?

I know what I saw, Audge.

Okay, okay.
So here's what you're gonna do.

Next time you see Obie,

you're gonna walk
right up to him,

and you're gonna act like
everything is completely normal.

Not a word of what you saw.

I can't let Grace do this
to him. He doesn't deserve it.

I'll have to lightly, strongly
disagree with that statement.

He cares about her, Audrey.
And...

If I'm his friend,
I have to tell him.

Okay. But you're not
his friend. You're his ex.

So if you do anything
with this information

except keep it to yourself,
then you'll seem vengeful

-and selfish.
-And honest?

He'll never believe you.

Not after what you tried
to pull in Hudson. Look.

You need to approach
this situation with finesse

or you could lose him forever.

And how do I do that?

By subtly
and skillfully convincing Grace

to come clean on her own?

Done.

And what about Ak?

I'm gonna try
and take my own advice.

You know, Max and I
only have assumptions right now,

so if we try
to accuse him without facts,

then it might blow up
in our faces. And...

that would be very bad.
So I need some facts.

And I'll get them
by asking him honestly

and with finesse.

-Good luck.
-You, too.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

-(CELLPHONES CHIME)
-♪ (MUSIC CUTS OFF) ♪

Please don't tell me
you're gonna spend today

watching Love Actually?

It's a time-worn
Valentine's tradition.

You do realize how problematic
this movie is, don't you?

It's romantic.

It's reductive, exploitative.
It's-- it's--

And how will I enjoy it
without our annual

"crass or classic" commentary?

-(CHUCKLES)
-NICK: Whoa!

We friends again?

Almost. I figure
we're basically even now.

Besides, I, um...

I know you're only working there
to keep us here.

Yes. Exactly.

Since we're almost friends...

Lay it on me.

So, Shan has been acting
super weird lately.

I mean, you saw her
at dinner last night.

And I don't know why,
but it's kinda making me feel

like I don't want to spend
that much time with her anymore.

Here's a thought. Just ask.

Be honest about
how it makes you feel.

Maybe if you and I had done
a little bit more of that,

we wouldn't have gotten
to where we were.

Why don't you invite her
to the spa thing with the girls?

Talk. Relax. Reconnect.
Get to the bottom it.

-That's what friends do.
-Hmm.

Thank you.

♪ ("SECOND NATURE"
BY LUCIUS PLAYING) ♪

♪ My love is like a hit and run
But I come back ♪

-(DOOR OPENS)
-SPA STAFF: There you are.

Hey! You made it.

I didn't think
you were gonna come.

Why not? I have a hangnail
that needs tending to.

Well, um... I know things
have been really weird

between us. I just wanted
to make sure we're okay.

We are, right?
You would tell me?

Actually, there is something
I need to tell you.

-It's about--
-JULIEN: Hey, girls!

Your friend Terrell.
At the deb ball,

he asked me about you.
And I knew you liked him,

but I was
sort of aggro that night,

so I kinda blew him off.

And I've felt terrible
about it ever since.

Hey, it's fine. He's just a guy.

A guy you should be
spending Valentine's with!

No. He-- It's just a distraction

from all the shit in my life.
It's not real.

Let's make it real. We need
to get him at the party tonight.

How? Monet has his contact
on lockdown.

Which is why our mission is
to get it

by any means necessary.

She's here, we're here,
and so is her phone.

By the end of this spa-ga,
I'm gonna have glowing skin,

and you're gonna have
a hot date. (GIGGLES)

Welcome to today's
"Stop the Story."

I'm here at the spa
with my girls, the perfect place

for a filterless convo.

Set your alarms for a Q&A
with my nearest and dearest

about the BS
behind this high-presh holiday.

Hey!

MONET: You better have
brought them here

for me to ritually sacrifice,

because this is supposed
to be relaxing.

I mean, who's even paying
for them? Make-a-Wish?

There are treatments to be had
and livestreams to overshare.

Just let them fade
into the steam.

Mm-hmm.
And what about Queen Kong?

I could see her anywhere.

-Gracie, you made it!
-I love it here.

I came during their soft open
with Audrey Pence.

I could def use some girl time.

-(GIGGLES)
-I bet you could.

-(COMMENTATOR SPEAKING OVER TV)
-AKI: Yes!

Ak, uh, could you grab me
a La Croix?

You know where they are.

I need relationship advice
from both you guys.

(GROANS) Try spelling
"Mississippi" with your tongue.

(GROANS) No.

Not like that.
Like, real stuff.

-Ask me.
-(SIGHS)

Not only is my relationship
the longest, it's also grown.

OBIE: Don't think polyamory
applies here, Ak.

MAX: Uh, I-- I, uh,
I can't reach the pamplemousse.

Aki, can you,
uh, can you grab it, please?

You got thinner arms
and it's just--

-it's jammed at the back there.
-AKI MENZIES: Seriously?

It's just-- It's like,
how do I know... (CLEARS THROAT)

...if I'm being too pushy
with Grace?

MAX: Thanks, pal.

-OBIE: You know, what if I was
being led by Julien...
-AKI: What did you want?

...but now I'm leading too much
with Grace?

What, Obie? I can't. Can you--
can you come over here?

I can't hear you.

(OBIE BREATHES DEEPLY)

-See, I just don't want
this to, like--
-Oh, I just heard my phone.

Wait. Huh?

I don't-- I just--
I don't want this thing

to be Goldilocks, you know?

Like, where I was--
I'm-- I'm too small with Julien

and now I'm too big with Grace.

I don't want that. I want
this relationship to work now.

I don't want some
future relationship to work.

You know? And how do you know
if you're doing too much...

-(CELLPHONE BUZZES, CHIMES)
-...or if you're doing enough?

OBIE: Anyone?

Mone, this is gonna be
the hottest

Kiss on the Lips party
of all time. No cap.

We got American Bar to cater.

Mom's doing the champagne tower.

(LAUGHS)

Luna, what would you do?

Recast?

As promised, I'm here taking
your questions about love,

loneliness, and the moments
in between. Questions are open.

Ooh, hot topic,
"Monogamy vs. polyamory?

Preference and why?"

I think my position
is very clear.

(CHUCKLES)
Why don't we ask Grace?

Um, well, I was raised in
a pretty traditional household.

So, while I believe
love is love,

I've always been
a one-man type of gal.

Okay. You heard it here first.

Grace Byron,
resident monogamist.

Why do I have to do it?
Why can't you just--

Riveting.

Oh, six feet, please.
I don't trust the ventilation.

Since you didn't want
to introduce us,

I was wondering
if you could give me

Terrell's phone number?
He's not on IG or Snapchat.

Hmm, probably
because he blocked you?

What went down at the deb ball
was all my idea, not Z's.

So if you want someone
to hate...

MONET: Right. Here's the thing.

Why give you his phone number
when he's just going to say no?

Haven't you heard
I'm benevolent now?

I'm sparing you pain.

If she won't give it up,
we'll just have to take it.

Ooh. This comment's interesting.
"Have you ever been interested

in someone who was unavailable?"

Hmm. Trick question. Is anyone
ever emotionally available?

Do dead men count?
What? No way I'm alone here.

You're alone. Get used to it.

No, I'm-- I'm with her.

I've had a crush
on River Phoenix

ever since Aki made me watch
My Own Private Idaho. So...

Grace? You're quiet.
What about you?

Have you ever been
into someone who's unavailable?

Or have you met someone
when you're unavailable?

Why don't you share
with the group?

Okay, I'll share.

I recently met this
very attractive, married man.

Nothing happened.
We just talked.

But I'd be lying if I said

I wasn't interested in getting
to know him better.

Even though I know
how wrong that would be.

You need to stop that story.

Affairs don't only affect you,
they destroy families.

I thought
after what your mom did,

you of all people
would know that.

Monet...

No. What you're doing is wrong,
and selfish, and entitled.

I-- I haven't done anything.

MONET: (VOICE BREAKING)
That's what everyone says.

-(PHONE TURNS OFF)
-Oh, my God. Mone, are you okay?

I-- I think my dad
is having an affair.

Anyone cheat on your mom?
No way.

I thought that they
were the perfect ship.

But it turns out, they're a mess
like all of yours.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

That blind GG item
is about my dad. I know it.

How?

He has been sneaking around,
and my mom is acting weird,

so I followed him twice.
To a hotel both times.

Oh, honey.

You say a word of this
to anyone,

I'll have you all exiled
to Exeter. All of you.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

(SIGHS) I need some vitamin D.

I need to change my massage.

I want a smoothie.

(SIGHS)

I want fresh ginger tea.

And when I say fresh ginger,
I mean make it yourself.

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

What now?

Oh, nothing. Just watching
our boyfriend entering

the building of Rex Huntington,
carrying a bag

-of newly purchased sex toys!
-Give me that back!

Julien was right.

What, about the glass dildo
and the butt plugs?

AUDREY HOPE: Did
Rex Huntington RSVP for tonight?

Of course. (SCOFFS)

(SIGHS) Julien said to talk
to Aki outright,

which is exactly
what we're gonna do tonight

at the party.

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

(SIGHS)

Hi. (CHUCKLES) I booked
the relaxing massage,

but after the day I'm having,
I'm gonna need the muscle--

The day you're having?

Pretty sure I was the one

being waterboarded
in the wellness pool.

-Grace?
-Give us a moment?

RECEPTIONIST: Mm-hmm.

I don't care how you found out
and I don't care--

I know you definitely
don't care about Obie.

I saw you hooking up
with that rando!

Matías isn't random. He's my ex.

My mother doesn't approve.
I tried to end it, but...

It's complicated.

It seems pretty simple to me.

You're cheating on one
of my best friends.

And either you're gonna tell him

-or I'm--
-Or what? You'll tell him?

You think he'll believe you

after everything
you put him through?

Making a false accusation
like that

could cost the little friendship
you have left.

You think I'm just gonna sit by
and let you hurt him?

If you tell him, you'll be
breaking his heart again.

How many times
are you gonna do that, Julien?

Besides, it's your word
against mine,

and your word means
nothing anymore.

♪ (JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Shan!

(CELLPHONE BUZZES)

Shan! Shan, no, don't!

(CELLPHONE BUZZES)

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

GOSSIP GIRL:
Dating before Valentine's Day

is just a game
of musical chairs.

Seats swap, partners change,
and options are eliminated.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

What are you doing here?

I found a great date for us!

The Kiss on the Lips party?
Isn't that for kids?

Yup.
What worse date is there?

Besides, your bestie
Camille's gonna be there

since it's her daughter's party.

Imagine her face,
seeing us dancing.

You do dance, don't you?

Very, very badly
and with no shame about it.

(CELLPHONE BUZZES)

Could you excuse me a moment?

Only if it's to change
into something very un-festive.

-(LAUGHS)
-♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Okay, Mike, I'm in!

Fuck yes!

GOSSIP GIRL:
But word is this year,

there are a few
unexpected players.

(EXHALES)

GOSSIP GIRL: So where will you
be when the music stops?

Seated comfortably?

Or standing alone
while everyone watches you

land straight on your ass?

There's, like,
no fucking service out here.

The party's starting. How long
are we supposed to wait?

(SHIVERING) Are you sure
this is Pete's place?

There's no way
Kim would come out here.

Jesus, Bianca.
Yeah, it's Staten Island.

Fuck, it's cold!

♪ ("DRAG ME OUT"
BY KAH-LO PLAYS) ♪

♪ Doesn't anyone dance
In this town no more? ♪

♪ Why am I the only one
On the dance floor? ♪

(PARTY GUESTS CHATTERING)

♪ DJ's killin' it
Drinks is poured ♪

♪ I don't like
None of y'all hoes
I'm bored ♪

♪ I'm tryna get loose with it ♪

♪ Shake a little somethin'
Get the whole crew with it ♪

♪ Shots to the head
Got the whole room spinnin'... ♪

It's perfect.

LUNA: Wait until
our special guest arrives.

It's what I do.

You? Where are the girls?

They were no-shows.
Someone had to step in.

If you ask me,
I think they always planned

to try and destroy you.

You owe me forever, bitch.

Name it.

I'll cash in
when the time is right.

MONET: Mm-hmm.

When I said open the party
to everyone,

I didn't mean everyone.

It's a long story,

but it's why I insisted
on low lighting. 'Kay? Come on.

♪ Take a pic, it'll last long ♪

♪ Gotta go
'Cause they playing my song... ♪

You brought a chaperone?

Nice to see you too,
Miss Barnes.

I told Zoya she could go
so long as I saw

with my own eyes what it was.

-Which I thought was fair. So...
-Mm-hmm.

You can go now!

-(KATE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
-Sure. Yeah, in a little bit.

♪ I like to get it started
I'm spendin' all my money... ♪

ZOYA: So, have you seen
Terrell anywhere?

Not yet,
but I'm on the lookout.

This is literally the best party
I've ever been invited to.

It's the only party
you've ever been invited to.

JK! (GIGGLES) You're welcome.

(ALL LAUGH)

(GROANS) Being liked is awful.

♪ I like to party,
I like to get down ♪

At least your apple
doesn't fall far from that tree.

I know, right? She's amazing.

He doesn't deserve her.

This is a great party, hon.

So, our first Valentine's
as an us. Exciting, huh?

-Yeah.
-Mm-hmm.

Are we... looking for something?

Uh, yeah. The, uh,
the caviar concierge.

He was here a second ago.

You know what I could
really use right now, babe?

Valentine's Vespers?

-(CHUCKLES)
-You know us so well.

(CHUCKLES)

MAX: I can't believe
he'd do this to us.

You were literally
gonna fuck Rex two weeks ago!

-Yeah, only 'cause you made me!
-Okay.

Hey.

Oh, my God!
They're not even hiding it!

OBIE: Oh, I almost forgot.

Breakfast, flowers,
a Cameo from Chris Pratt.

-You've done enough.
-(CHUCKLES) No, this is, uh...

this is your real...
your real gift.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

I thought maybe
you could sew it

into your new uniform.

Okay, hear me out. I-- I--

I was thinking maybe you could
enroll at... at Constance.

Hmm. This is...

a little late
in the year, isn't it?

Normally, yes. But, uh,
Leni Klum got that...

that role on that Amazon series
in Budapest, and, you know,

since she's gonna be
schooling remotely

for the rest of the year,
and it... (INHALES)

...left this opening,
which I secured for you.

Without talking to me?

-You hate it.
-No! No, I love it. It's just...

-(ELEVATOR DINGS)
-I don't know
if I can deal with...

-(JULIEN AND MATÍAS
TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
-Julien?

Julien's the reason that you
don't wanna enroll at Constance?

I wasn't gonna say anything,

but I think she's still trying
to come between us.

Obie! Grace! I'd like you
to meet Matías Botello.

-Pleasure to meet you.
-You, too.

Nice to meet...
You know, you look...

You look kind of familiar.
Have we met before?

Wait, where would any
of us have met?

I don't know. I'm just,
I'm really good with faces.

He is. Really good.

Are you that guy
that spat on Senator Byron?

-You did what?
-Yeah, what the fuck, man?

-Julien, this guy is--
-Is against capitalism,

corporate greed,
and immigration policies

that make Donald Trump
look like the Dalai Lama?

Can't disagree with that,
can you. Grace?

Seems she has a type.

Obie, I'm thirsty.
Let's get a drink?

♪ ("SCOOTER" BY
LOLO ZOUAÏ PLAYING) ♪

(SIGHS)

You know, this is way lower
than I ever expected from you.

Just stay out
of my life, Julien.

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Everybody starin',
I don't care ♪

♪ And I'm feeling great ♪

♪ Get out my way ♪

♪ Don't make me
Get off my scooter ♪

♪ Na na na na na... ♪

Telling you
she doesn't like him,

telling him
she doesn't know you.

She told me Obie was temporary.

I'm sorry, Matías...

For you and Obie.

SHAN: Two for me. (chuckles)

Okay, maybe slow down
a little bit? My dad's here.

Why do you think I need this?

Not this again.

I've tried really hard not to--

(SIGHS) Not to--

'Kay, we're moving past
what he did. Why can't you?

It's just a job.
Sometimes people do things

-that aren't necessarily--
-It's not about his job, Jesus!

-Here.
-WAITER: Okay.

So it's apparently
somehow about you.

God, I'm so sick and tired
of you constantly

inserting your chaos
into my life, Shan!

My chaos?

ZOYA: Yes, you know exactly
what I'm talking about!

My family isn't some playground

for your attention-seeking
games. Back off!

Whoa, Z. I'm just trying
to help you see that your dad--

Your help isn't wanted.
Not about this. Ever!

What a liar you are,
Katherine Keller.

We agreed to make this
an unsexy Valentine's,

and look at you.

At least you have to admit,
I win.

I mean, being surrounded
by our pubescent overlords

is as unsexy as a date can get.

KATE: (CHUCKLES) Not so fast.

I scheduled us
dual colonoscopies

-for St. Patrick's Day.
-MIKE SHUBIN: Oh? Oh. (LAUGHS)

Can you excuse me for a moment?

MIKE: Yeah.

♪ ("WITH YOU WITHOUT YOU"
BY JESSICA WINTER PLAYING) ♪

♪ Go, go, get back on the road ♪

♪ I won't hear another word ♪

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Monet. So, I showed. Who is she?

Excuse me?

My secret admirer.
I got your text.

Um...

You... you told me to meet you

and that someone
is into me here.

What the actual fuck?

So there's no secret admirer?

(CHUCKLES) I think I can help
answer that.

ANNOUNCER: And let's welcome
to DUMBO Hall, Charli XCX!

-Shouldn't I just go?
-Not yet.

You want her to react?

Follow my lead.

♪ ("LIGHTNING"
BY CHARLIE XCX PLAYING) ♪

(CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

♪ Don't know what to say ♪

♪ One look and then
You blew me away ♪

♪ I'm spiraling
All over the place ♪

♪ So lifted
Got me reaching for grace ♪

♪ Body off the ground ♪

♪ Caught me by surprise ♪

♪ Like seeing shooting stars
In the sky ♪

♪ There's danger in the dark
Of your eyes ♪

♪ But something 'bout you
Brings me to life ♪

♪ Got me here and now ♪

♪ Heartbreak
Already hit me once ♪

♪ They say
That it won't happen twice ♪

♪ You struck me down
Like lightning, lightning ♪

♪ You struck me down
Like lightning, lightning ♪

♪ My stupid heart
Can't fight it, fight it ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ So tell me what you want
And I'ma give it to ya ♪

♪ Like lightning... ♪

AUDREY: Look who's here!
My twink prince!

Yeah, of course Rex is here.
He goes to our school.

MAX: I'm more interested
in what he does after.

Squash at the Harvard Club?

(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah.
Squash was definitely involved.

AKI: What are you guys
talking about?

-We know about you two.
-We saw everything.

REX: Everything? Gross!

Wh-- what exactly
do you think you saw?

We saw you go to the doctor.

AUDREY: Mm-hmm. And pick up
the dick scurvy.

-MAX: Descovy.
-Mm-hmm.

-AKI: Jesus!
-Then to The Pleasure Chest

to buy a chest full of pleasure

-for your secret rendezvous!
-You followed me?

MAX: It's not my fault
he texted you

when I had your phone.

I had no choice but to look,
and once I did,

-I had to see more.
-Just be honest with us.

We can get through anything
if we're honest with each other.

Oh, from the two people
who secretly tailed me,

violated my privacy,

and tried to break into
my phone?

Is that the kind
of honesty you mean?

Yeah, that's what
I fucking thought.

(SNICKERS)

What are you laughing at?

How much you just fucked
this all up.

Those toys weren't for me.
They were for him.

For you.

♪ You took me down
Don't mind it ♪

♪ My stupid heart
Can't fight it ♪

♪ Uh-uh ♪

♪ So tell me what you want
And I'ma give it to ya

♪ Like lightning ♪

-GREYSON DE HAAN: Excuse me.
-(CROWD CHEERING)

♪ (UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

What the hell
are you doing here?

JENNIFER: I was invited.

I thought this was part
of the deal.

It is not. If anyone sees you,

it could be the end
of the deal.

Dad! Have you no sense
of decency or discretion?

-What are you talking about?
-I know who she is.

-You do?
-JENNIFER: You do?

Yes. I invited you here.

Monet Makeda de Haan.

This is not the time
or the place.

I can't think of a better time
or place to expose

that Dad's having an affair.
Jennifer here is his mistress.

No, she's not.

-Yes, she is.
-No, she's not.

-Mom, yes, she is. I--
-No, she is not.

She's both of ours.

(SHAN GIGGLING)

SHAN: Zoya, wait!

So this is what you wanted?
It was never about my dad.

You just wanted to get
with the only guy

that I've been into since Obie.

That's not it at all.
I've just--

I've just been
a little messed up lately, and--

And you wanted me to feel
as miserable as you do?

Well, maybe I'm miserable

because I'm keeping
a fucking secret I shouldn't be!

A secret about what?

You know what? Forget it.
Go talk to your fucking dad.

Talk to him about what, Shan?

Or is this just another
deflection in a long line of--

Your dad didn't buy
your apartment!

Dirty Davis Calloway did.

And your dad has been lying
to you and Julien about it

ever since it happened.

I'm s--

♪ You're as cold as ice ♪

Grace. We need to talk.

Uh, you need to back up, bro.

Nobody needs to talk to anybody.

Oh, good, they're here.

You did this?
My brother and my mom?

I knew Matías
wouldn't be enough.

OBIE: Enough for what?

-Is it true?
-What?

Did Davis Calloway
buy our apartment?

Z, it's complicated.
Let me explain.

What goes on
between your father and me

remains between
your father and me.

And whoever else
you share it with, apparently.

We don't... share her.

So what do you do?
You just sit there

-and watch them go at it to--
-Uh! (SNAPS FINGERS)

Your privilege
has afforded you the ability

to live your life as a proud,
out, young Black woman

in a country where none
of those things come easily.

But they come easily for you
because of me.

So you have no right to question

how your father and I
live our lives,

just like we have never...

questioned how you live yours.

(CHUCKLES)

My only regret
is that you chose a public place

to make a mess.

But that is what
you are growing into.

A mess.

(SIGHS)

Why on earth
was I summoned here?

We took the plane and everything
to come to a party?

Mom, I--

And what are you doing here?

This is your daughter's
secret boyfriend.

-No, he's not.
-I think you're confused.

Yeah, ex... exactly.
Grace would never--

-I told you to end it with him.
-I did! Tell her.

JAKE BYRON:
This is all a misunderstanding.

After a deep dive
of Grace's socials

with other grammers' geotags,
last week,

when she was allegedly
on the campaign trail with you,

she was also somehow at Tacombi.

Ew, by the way.
And stayed at The Crosby.

Last week?
You said you were with your mom.

-You told me you were with Obie.
-OBIE: She wasn't.

GRACE: Luna is wrong.

She has the wrong dates,
the wrong information.

George, the GM of The Crosby,
begs to disagree.

-Shall I call him?
-This is getting out of hand.

-Are you seeing a third person?
-No.

Jake, when you came
to town last week

for your interview
with Columbia,

you stayed at The Crosby,
didn't you? I paid for it.

And you promised
this wouldn't happen again.

GRACE: Can we please not talk
about this here?

-Oh, my God!
-Your brother?

-JAKE: We didn't mean to.
-(GASPS)

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Wait, Grace.
-JAKE: Grace, wait.

-CHARLOTTE: Let's go.
-OBIE: What?

Even I didn't see
that twincest coming.

-I hope you're happy.
-You think I wanted this?

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

AUDREY: (SIGHS)
We thought you left.

Oh, well,
you thought wrong again.

Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
Uh, in hindsight,

we may not have gone about this
in the best way.

You think?

Okay, you have to admit
you've been withholding.

I mean...

No, I know you've been
wanting me to bottom,

and I want to.
I've just been scared.

It's new to me,
and I feel vulnerable.

And I got nervous,

and I got embarrassed
for getting so nervous.

So I went to Rex for advice
and guidance,

and he told me to practice.

And now, I'm so wildly
uncomfortable telling you this.

And the PrEP?

You're Max Wolfe.

We haven't had
that conversation yet.

He's right. We haven't.

You know the only people
I wanna be with is both of you.

You never said that as a rule.

Consider it said and done.

Yeah, and look,
as for the other thing?

We're happy to wait.
I mean, there's no rush.

I don't wanna wait. I'm ready.

-Camille de Haan's a cuck queen!
-KATE: Don't kinkshame!

I'm not! It's fucking hot.

I feel strangely bad for Monet.

Well, yeah, 'cause her mom
called her out in public?

It's gonna be on Gossip Girl
in minutes.

At least our shame's only
on repeat in our heads.

Th-- theirs is...
one click away, forever.

Hmm. You know,
I also feel somehow responsible.

Her parents are responsible
for Monet, not you.

I always thought the problem
was the kids' entitlement,

but that comes
from somewhere else.

Mm-hmm. The parents
are the true monsters.

The kids are simply modeling
their behavior.

But I don't know
why it's taken me so long

to really see that.

Oh, you just needed
a good teacher to point it out.

I'll, uh, go get the coats?

♪ See the clouds
we'll be walkin' on ♪

♪ Coach won't put him
in the game, no, no ♪

♪ Rudy baby,
I don't feel the same ♪

♪ (SONG FADES) ♪

-Zoya, please! I can explain. Z.
-Explain what? What's going on?

Is this about the Grace thing?

You wanna tell her, or should I?

(CELLPHONE BUZZES)

GOSSIP GIRL:
I told you I was going to break
some hearts tonight.

But what I have to share
isn't exactly a lovers' quarrel.

They say nothing is stronger
than the bond between a father

and a daughter. But we have it
confirmed that Nicholas Lott

has committed
the ultimate betrayal.

He made a deal
with a devil

known as Davis Calloway.

Nothing worse
than taking blood money

to keep up with the Joneses.

Tell me this isn't true.

♪ (CHILLED POP SONG PLAYING) ♪

Heavy is the crown?

No wonder Julien
shaved her head.

I could've made my parents
a New York Post story.

It... it could've ruined
their careers.

And for what? I mean...
They're just having fun.

Don't ask me.
I haven't even seen my parents

since last summer.

What if I don't want
to be loved?

Love only exposes you
to trouble.

Isn't it better to hate
and be hated?

No. Not at all.

Fuck.

I want to be loved.

Me, too. Me fucking too.

GOSSIP GIRL: There's
no such thing as a love story.

Because for it to be a story,

it would have to
have a beginning, a middle,

and an end.

♪ ("IT'S YOUR OWN BODY AND MIND"
BY SUFJAN STEVENS AND
ANGELO DE AUGUSTINE PLAYING) ♪

♪ Shall we all talk paternal? ♪

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

♪ Shall we all talk
Of the sun? ♪

♪ Everything runs in circles ♪

♪ Everything comes undone ♪

-You ready?
-Yes.

GOSSIP GIRL:
And love doesn't end.

-It changes.
-(MOANING)

GOSSIP GIRL: It grows.

It dims, and it dies.

But even then, it's never over.

It lives in your shadows,
waiting to wake you

in the middle of the night...

Zoya? Julien?

GOSSIP GIRL:
...to tap you on your shoulder

when you least expect it.

A splinter
you can never get out.

SHAN: Oh, baby. I'm so sorry.

ZOYA: I'm sorry, too.

♪ She's doing her own thing ♪

(BAR PATRONS CHATTERING QUIETLY)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

♪ Doesn't it seem
Quite obvious... ♪

I'm so glad you called.

Um, I'm so glad you answered.

I had an absolutely
horrible night,

and the only person that
I wanted to talk to about it

was someone
that I don't know at all.

Is that okay?

I need someone
who doesn't know

about all of the shit
that I've been dealing with.

Somebody brand new.

Could you be that person?

I'm Graham.

Julien.

GOSSIP GIRL: Each love
is a crime that haunts us

and we pile up crimes
as we go.

♪ Illuminating all things
The same ♪

So much for our non-romantic,

completely unsexy
Valentine's Day.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I'll get you some water.

Okay.

GOSSIP GIRL:
And while we tell ourselves

we'll never get caught,

we know we always will.

It's only a matter of time

till we commit our next crime.

-And this one, we swear...
-(COMPUTER PINGS)

...will be our last.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: Spoiler alert,
it's never the last.

What the fu--

♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪