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? It seems today that all you see ?
2
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:08,169
? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ?
3
00:00:08,170 --> 00:00:11,933
? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?
4
00:00:11,934 --> 00:00:14,472
? On which we used to rely? ?
5
00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:18,345
? Lucky there's a family guy ?
6
00:00:18,346 --> 00:00:21,604
? Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ?
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00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,190
? All the things that make us ?
8
00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:25,024
? Laugh and cry ?
9
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,155
? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ?
10
00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:34,094
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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00:00:34,095 --> 00:00:37,409
We now return to Lassie,
starring Vin Diesel.
12
00:00:37,410 --> 00:00:39,077
What is it, Lassie?
13
00:00:41,414 --> 00:00:43,481
There's a fire down at the old church?
14
00:00:45,284 --> 00:00:47,986
And The Rock won't return
your texts or phone calls?
15
00:00:50,156 --> 00:00:52,123
He totally blew you off backstage
16
00:00:52,124 --> 00:00:53,425
at the Kids' Choice Awards?
17
00:00:53,426 --> 00:00:55,293
Was he hosting or just presenting?
18
00:00:55,294 --> 00:00:57,723
Oh, well, that's why.
19
00:00:57,724 --> 00:01:01,386
Hey, fellas, three more beers
and a Johnnie Wheeler?
20
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:04,731
Yep.
21
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,272
Man, I love drinking
on a Saturday morning.
22
00:01:07,273 --> 00:01:09,874
Thank God I figured out
how to sneak out of my house.
23
00:01:09,875 --> 00:01:11,476
Has anyone seen your father?
24
00:01:11,477 --> 00:01:13,511
I swear he was just here a minute ago.
25
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,517
- Hi, Dad.
- I'm a waffle.
26
00:01:19,518 --> 00:01:21,535
Peter, you're not going
to The Clam, are you?
27
00:01:21,536 --> 00:01:22,541
Waffle!
28
00:01:22,542 --> 00:01:24,187
Now prepare yourselves
29
00:01:24,188 --> 00:01:26,858
'cause the sun is never brighter
than when you're day-drinking.
30
00:01:26,859 --> 00:01:28,827
Oh, I think I can handle...
31
00:01:28,828 --> 00:01:30,128
Aah!
32
00:01:30,129 --> 00:01:32,347
I'm sorry for reading people's mail.
33
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,002
Look, one of them scooters
you see everywhere
34
00:01:37,003 --> 00:01:38,599
what runs by a app.
35
00:01:39,349 --> 00:01:43,267
Boy, if this is what we get,
imagine what the military has.
36
00:01:43,268 --> 00:01:44,310
What?
37
00:01:44,311 --> 00:01:45,910
It's a perfectly reasonable comment.
38
00:01:45,911 --> 00:01:49,114
You know, the military had
the Internet way before we did.
39
00:01:49,115 --> 00:01:51,983
GPS, drones, you name it.
Look around, guys.
40
00:01:51,984 --> 00:01:54,719
It's an amazing time to be alive.
41
00:01:56,856 --> 00:02:00,077
? Wonders ?
42
00:02:00,078 --> 00:02:04,764
? We're surrounded by wonders ?
43
00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:11,214
? That phone in your pocket
could power a rocket ?
44
00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:16,207
? But what does the military have? ?
45
00:02:16,757 --> 00:02:18,929
Joe's song made me
kind of want to try it.
46
00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:21,880
All right, now to scan this simple code
47
00:02:21,881 --> 00:02:24,482
like every middle-aged white guy.
48
00:02:24,483 --> 00:02:29,120
It's not... I can't...
I'm doing exactly what it said.
49
00:02:29,121 --> 00:02:31,656
I-I... Do I take a picture, or...?
50
00:02:31,657 --> 00:02:34,225
Is there an actual person I can talk to?
51
00:02:34,226 --> 00:02:35,527
'Cause it's not working.
52
00:02:35,528 --> 00:02:37,615
Oh, okay. No, wait,
now it's doing something.
53
00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:40,262
- Computers, am I right?
- No, you're not.
54
00:02:42,034 --> 00:02:44,602
- "Push off."
- You're choking me.
55
00:02:46,209 --> 00:02:50,409
? Holiday road ?
56
00:02:51,210 --> 00:02:55,581
? Holiday road ?
57
00:02:56,349 --> 00:03:00,305
? Holiday road. ?
58
00:03:00,306 --> 00:03:02,387
Peter, where are we going?
59
00:03:02,388 --> 00:03:04,255
Relax. It's our nation's capital.
60
00:03:04,256 --> 00:03:05,860
I'm just a fan of history.
61
00:03:05,861 --> 00:03:08,354
Peter, what are you up to?
62
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,228
What? I just love our government.
63
00:03:10,229 --> 00:03:12,177
Or at least I used to.
64
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:16,201
Hey, Cleveland, wake up.
65
00:03:16,202 --> 00:03:18,007
No, don't wake him. Don't wake him.
66
00:03:18,008 --> 00:03:19,658
I don't think he wants to be reminded.
67
00:03:24,596 --> 00:03:26,978
All those in favor of a giant key ring
68
00:03:26,979 --> 00:03:29,667
for our jail cell, say "aye."
69
00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:31,955
Mayor West, four citizens
have gone missing.
70
00:03:31,956 --> 00:03:34,490
They were last seen heading
south on a Bird scooter.
71
00:03:34,491 --> 00:03:36,292
Saddle my horse.
72
00:03:39,997 --> 00:03:43,433
As mayor, I reckon it's my duty
to round up the strays
73
00:03:43,434 --> 00:03:45,101
and bring 'em back to safety.
74
00:03:45,102 --> 00:03:47,604
He-yaw!
75
00:03:47,605 --> 00:03:51,074
Oops, sorry. They-yaw!
76
00:03:51,075 --> 00:03:52,816
Thank you.
77
00:03:52,817 --> 00:03:58,081
? Holiday road ?
78
00:03:58,082 --> 00:04:02,158
? Holiday road. ?
79
00:04:02,159 --> 00:04:03,786
All right, I've been driving
for 18 hours.
80
00:04:03,787 --> 00:04:05,588
Someone else take the wheel... Aah!
81
00:04:05,589 --> 00:04:07,624
Loose opioid!
82
00:04:12,162 --> 00:04:14,365
Oh, crap. A alligator.
83
00:04:15,841 --> 00:04:19,335
Oh, hey. Would you consider
not eating us?
84
00:04:19,336 --> 00:04:21,504
Uh... yeah. Maybe.
85
00:04:21,505 --> 00:04:24,574
- Oh, thank God.
- I think "maybe" means "no."
86
00:04:24,575 --> 00:04:27,110
He's just being polite.
He's gonna eat us.
87
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,067
Well, look at that,
88
00:04:36,068 --> 00:04:39,155
six summers at Lasso Camp
finally paid off.
89
00:04:39,156 --> 00:04:41,024
That's where you learned
to use the ropes?
90
00:04:41,025 --> 00:04:43,259
No, it was Ted Lasso Camp.
91
00:04:43,260 --> 00:04:45,595
That's where I learned to be nice funny.
92
00:04:45,596 --> 00:04:48,464
Sometimes comedy is building people up.
93
00:04:48,465 --> 00:04:51,067
I know, I know. It's hard to change.
94
00:04:57,983 --> 00:05:01,511
Yep, we're back from space,
everyone. We did it.
95
00:05:01,512 --> 00:05:03,680
They know you weren't in space, Peter.
96
00:05:03,681 --> 00:05:06,349
There are social media posts
of you crying
97
00:05:06,350 --> 00:05:08,084
'cause you couldn't stop a scooter.
98
00:05:08,085 --> 00:05:09,820
But we're still glad you're home.
99
00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:14,190
Boy, Mayor West is a hero,
always saving the day.
100
00:05:14,191 --> 00:05:15,859
One day, I want to be mayor.
101
00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:17,627
Well, Stewie, it's a noble aspiration.
102
00:05:17,628 --> 00:05:19,863
A good start would be
learning about politics
103
00:05:19,864 --> 00:05:22,498
- and getting involved at school.
- Eh, I suppose so.
104
00:05:22,499 --> 00:05:25,335
A vote for Doug is a vote for progress.
105
00:05:25,336 --> 00:05:27,337
Oh, hey, Stewie.
106
00:05:27,338 --> 00:05:30,173
I had no idea I'd run
into the town square
107
00:05:30,174 --> 00:05:32,118
in the Town Square.
108
00:05:32,119 --> 00:05:34,377
Are you gonna go down
the hot metal slide
109
00:05:34,378 --> 00:05:35,578
in shorts again?
110
00:05:35,579 --> 00:05:39,315
Yes, Doug, I made a mistake.
That's how you learn things.
111
00:05:39,316 --> 00:05:40,683
What are those flyers for?
112
00:05:40,684 --> 00:05:43,176
I'm running for preschool snack captain.
113
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:44,928
Throwing my diaper into the ring.
114
00:05:44,929 --> 00:05:46,990
All the snack captain does
is wear a paper hat
115
00:05:46,991 --> 00:05:49,392
while the teacher passes out
Goldfish crackers.
116
00:05:49,393 --> 00:05:51,327
Sure, but you know what they say.
117
00:05:51,328 --> 00:05:54,731
"Today, snack captain, tomorrow, mayor."
118
00:05:54,732 --> 00:05:57,333
- Mayor?
- This is just a formality.
119
00:05:57,334 --> 00:05:59,435
My opponent Noah got
foot-in-mouth disease,
120
00:05:59,436 --> 00:06:01,104
so I'm running unopposed.
121
00:06:01,105 --> 00:06:03,973
I'd really have to put
my foot in my mouth to lose.
122
00:06:03,974 --> 00:06:07,617
Ho-ho. Is funny because wordplay.
123
00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:10,938
Huh, I guess Fuad still lives in Quahog.
124
00:06:10,939 --> 00:06:14,875
Brian, Stewie Griffin is now
running for snack captain.
125
00:06:14,876 --> 00:06:17,311
And I will defeat that jerk Doug.
126
00:06:17,312 --> 00:06:20,881
Well, we got our fellas back,
and I reached my steps today.
127
00:06:20,882 --> 00:06:22,983
- What's that?
- Oh, it's a watch that tracks
128
00:06:22,984 --> 00:06:25,385
the number of steps I take each day.
129
00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:26,720
Wow.
130
00:06:29,257 --> 00:06:31,891
? Wonders ?
131
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:37,631
? We're surrounded by wonders ?
132
00:06:37,632 --> 00:06:40,200
? Look around and be amazed ?
133
00:06:40,201 --> 00:06:45,539
? That pad on your lap
could buy a shirt at the Gap ?
134
00:06:45,540 --> 00:06:50,278
? But what does the military have? ?
135
00:06:53,329 --> 00:06:55,498
He was asking too many questions.
136
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:01,922
All right. Listen, Rupert.
137
00:07:01,923 --> 00:07:04,859
I'm running for snack captain,
and our lives are going to be
138
00:07:04,860 --> 00:07:07,596
under the microscope
more than they ever have before.
139
00:07:07,597 --> 00:07:11,033
So all I'm gonna say is,
I just want to applaud you again
140
00:07:11,034 --> 00:07:13,669
on your commitment to sobriety.
141
00:07:13,670 --> 00:07:15,604
What do you mean "wine doesn't count"?
142
00:07:15,605 --> 00:07:17,105
Yes, ros� is wine.
143
00:07:17,106 --> 00:07:18,373
And I don't want to hear the term
144
00:07:18,374 --> 00:07:20,649
"California sober"
come out of your mouth.
145
00:07:20,650 --> 00:07:21,863
- Hey, Stewie.
- Brian,
146
00:07:21,864 --> 00:07:24,146
I want you to be my campaign manager.
147
00:07:24,147 --> 00:07:25,681
Really? What do I have to do?
148
00:07:25,682 --> 00:07:27,849
You'll be in charge of
setting up my war room
149
00:07:27,850 --> 00:07:30,419
- and situation room and sex room.
- Sex room?
150
00:07:30,420 --> 00:07:33,255
Shh, I can't let
Mr. Dramatic over there know.
151
00:07:33,256 --> 00:07:35,057
I don't know. This is already weird.
152
00:07:35,058 --> 00:07:36,925
Please, Brian. I need this.
153
00:07:36,926 --> 00:07:38,927
I need this the way
a shoe salesman needs
154
00:07:38,928 --> 00:07:40,542
that foot-measuring device.
155
00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:43,365
I can say with absolute
scientific certainty
156
00:07:43,366 --> 00:07:44,700
that you're a 10 1/2.
157
00:07:44,701 --> 00:07:48,467
Now let me get you some shoes
that still may or may not fit.
158
00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:55,877
Hey, Stewie, a little birdie told me
159
00:07:55,878 --> 00:07:58,978
you've thrown your hat
into the snack captain ring.
160
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,350
Actually it was a tweet.
161
00:08:04,420 --> 00:08:08,056
I just want to say I hope
we can have a fair campaign
162
00:08:08,057 --> 00:08:11,793
and forget any past tension between us.
163
00:08:11,794 --> 00:08:14,262
Consider them forgotten,
like La La Land,
164
00:08:14,263 --> 00:08:15,998
the most celebrated movie ever made
165
00:08:15,999 --> 00:08:19,050
that suddenly no one remembers,
mentions, or cares about.
166
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,941
- Oh, he nailed you.
- I'm voting for Doug.
167
00:08:25,942 --> 00:08:27,976
I'm too young to deliver a joke.
168
00:08:27,977 --> 00:08:29,811
Well, looks like the gloves are off.
169
00:08:29,812 --> 00:08:31,847
But I've taken on bigger challenges.
170
00:08:31,848 --> 00:08:34,416
Like playing a game of Paul Simon Says.
171
00:08:34,417 --> 00:08:36,518
Paul Simon says
Art Garfunkel is a loser.
172
00:08:36,519 --> 00:08:39,321
Oh, come on, Paul.
It's been 40 years. Let it go.
173
00:08:39,322 --> 00:08:41,189
Paul Simon says I wrote all the songs.
174
00:08:41,190 --> 00:08:43,292
We know that.
No one is denying you credit.
175
00:08:43,293 --> 00:08:45,861
Paul Simon says five-two is the
cutoff for being really short,
176
00:08:45,862 --> 00:08:47,929
- not five-three.
- You know what? I'm bored.
177
00:08:47,930 --> 00:08:49,898
I'm gonna play Simon Cowell Says.
178
00:08:49,899 --> 00:08:53,435
Simon Cowell says
men should wear low V-necks
179
00:08:53,436 --> 00:08:57,439
- and have breasts.
- Thank you for One Direction.
180
00:09:04,819 --> 00:09:09,117
Stewie, our polls show that your
classmates see you as aloof.
181
00:09:09,118 --> 00:09:11,453
We need a photo op
of you kissing a baby.
182
00:09:11,454 --> 00:09:12,988
All right, well, make it a BOC.
183
00:09:12,989 --> 00:09:15,490
- A what?
- A baby of color.
184
00:09:15,491 --> 00:09:16,725
Stewie, what's going on?
185
00:09:16,726 --> 00:09:18,160
I thought I was your campaign manager.
186
00:09:18,161 --> 00:09:20,729
I want you and Chris
to compete for my favor.
187
00:09:20,730 --> 00:09:22,564
I will reward absolute loyalty,
188
00:09:22,565 --> 00:09:24,266
even if you have to go to prison for it.
189
00:09:24,267 --> 00:09:27,035
- And who are all these people?
- College Republicans.
190
00:09:27,036 --> 00:09:28,236
When they're not on Barstool
191
00:09:28,237 --> 00:09:31,139
or wearing boat shoes nowhere
near a boat, they're here.
192
00:09:31,140 --> 00:09:33,619
I've also scheduled a whistle-stop tour
of the playground.
193
00:09:33,620 --> 00:09:35,209
You need to reach the seesaw kids,
194
00:09:35,210 --> 00:09:37,980
the slide kids, and spend time
with the jungle gym kids
195
00:09:37,981 --> 00:09:39,615
so they know they have your support.
196
00:09:39,616 --> 00:09:41,116
Ugh, okay, but bring the Purell.
197
00:09:41,117 --> 00:09:44,786
I'll make a speech even greater
than Jeffrey Epstein's eulogy.
198
00:09:44,787 --> 00:09:46,321
He gone!
199
00:09:56,165 --> 00:09:58,600
Stewie, this debate is make-or-break.
200
00:09:58,601 --> 00:10:00,168
I've been working on a strong opening.
201
00:10:00,169 --> 00:10:02,037
Take control early,
get 'em on your side,
202
00:10:02,038 --> 00:10:03,705
and it's easier to keep them there.
203
00:10:03,706 --> 00:10:06,147
- Stewie, would you like to begin?
- Thank you.
204
00:10:06,148 --> 00:10:07,376
My friends,
205
00:10:07,377 --> 00:10:09,878
this election is about
the future of snack time.
206
00:10:09,879 --> 00:10:13,749
I disagree. This election is about you.
207
00:10:15,251 --> 00:10:17,886
Who is this guy? I love him.
208
00:10:17,887 --> 00:10:21,556
And may I call your attention
to my opponent's actions
209
00:10:21,557 --> 00:10:23,592
during the attack on The Capitol?
210
00:10:23,593 --> 00:10:26,328
Here is Stewie waving to supporters
211
00:10:26,329 --> 00:10:29,044
safely behind barricades.
212
00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:31,199
And here he is with Josh Hawley,
213
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:34,014
fleeing the riot they helped stoke.
214
00:10:42,045 --> 00:10:44,479
Wow, what a little bitch.
215
00:10:47,650 --> 00:10:48,850
Uh-oh.
216
00:10:48,851 --> 00:10:50,619
Doug... are you okay?
217
00:10:52,588 --> 00:10:56,358
My God, is Doug... pooping his pants?
218
00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:58,992
Ew!
219
00:10:58,993 --> 00:11:00,368
What a godsend.
220
00:11:00,369 --> 00:11:03,704
We'll call him Poopy-Doopy Doug.
He'll never shake it.
221
00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:05,867
He surged in the polls?
222
00:11:05,868 --> 00:11:08,437
It humanized him,
made him more relatable.
223
00:11:08,438 --> 00:11:10,439
Well, two can play at that game.
224
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:19,014
Global events conspired
to push us off the front page.
225
00:11:21,884 --> 00:11:25,854
Chris, the election's tomorrow.
It's do-or-die time.
226
00:11:25,855 --> 00:11:28,479
What the hell? You work for Doug now?
227
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,059
I'm sorry, Stewie.
Your campaign is a sinking ship.
228
00:11:31,060 --> 00:11:33,483
I need a winner. I'm a professional.
229
00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:35,931
You'd abandon your brother like that?
230
00:11:35,932 --> 00:11:41,199
Sorry, but that's the way
things go on The Hill.
231
00:11:48,710 --> 00:11:51,590
What? Is that... Is that a thing?
232
00:11:51,591 --> 00:11:53,982
No. What you just saw was a sizzle reel
233
00:11:53,983 --> 00:11:57,085
that cost me $75,000 of my own money.
234
00:11:57,086 --> 00:11:59,321
Friends told me not to use my own money.
235
00:11:59,322 --> 00:12:02,424
"What do they know?"
I told myself at the time.
236
00:12:02,425 --> 00:12:05,060
The network decided
not to move forward with it.
237
00:12:05,061 --> 00:12:07,029
But they said they still love
238
00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:09,498
being in the Chris Griffin business.
239
00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:15,404
Brian, you're a loyal dog, and
you've got a belly rub coming.
240
00:12:15,405 --> 00:12:17,005
Maybe something a little more.
241
00:12:17,006 --> 00:12:19,442
But first we've got to find
dirt on Doug.
242
00:12:20,944 --> 00:12:22,867
All right, there's
his campaign headquarters.
243
00:12:22,868 --> 00:12:26,011
You stand lookout, and I'll
sneak inside looking for dirt.
244
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:28,330
Stay focused. Don't lick your balls.
245
00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:31,054
God. Wasn't gonna lick my balls.
246
00:12:44,025 --> 00:12:46,635
My God, Doug's got a file on me.
247
00:12:46,636 --> 00:12:49,271
"Stewie Griffin's Weaknesses."
248
00:12:49,272 --> 00:12:51,740
"Shapes"? How dare he?
249
00:12:51,741 --> 00:12:54,743
And to think I let him into
my innermost rhombus of trust.
250
00:12:54,744 --> 00:12:57,346
It's hard to rectangle this
with the Doug I knew.
251
00:12:58,548 --> 00:13:01,750
Okay, the Internet is not
enjoying the shape jokes.
252
00:13:01,751 --> 00:13:04,486
Wait, what do we have here?
253
00:13:04,487 --> 00:13:06,755
Doug still uses a pacifier?
254
00:13:06,756 --> 00:13:08,788
Oh, wait till the papers
hear about this.
255
00:13:10,994 --> 00:13:14,396
Damn it, get your act together
down there, you kooks.
256
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:20,232
And that, my fellow classmates,
is how I discovered
257
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:22,734
that Courteney Cox
bleaches her starfish.
258
00:13:22,735 --> 00:13:24,436
Anyway, got off on a tangent there,
259
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:26,338
but more germane to this election,
260
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:30,225
I have discovered that
my opponent still uses this!
261
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,412
Are you willing to vote
262
00:13:32,413 --> 00:13:35,414
for a representative
who literally sucks?
263
00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:36,849
I think not.
264
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:39,051
Stewie Griffin for snack captain.
265
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,519
Thank you, Stewie.
266
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,120
Doug, final remarks?
267
00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:44,189
Ladies and gentlemen of the preschool,
268
00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:47,359
we all know Stewie
has a brother and a sister.
269
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:51,864
Have you ever wondered why they
are so much older than Stewie?
270
00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,098
Where is this going?
271
00:13:53,099 --> 00:13:55,901
Well, I have, and I did some research.
272
00:13:55,902 --> 00:13:58,203
What I found confirms the dark secret
273
00:13:58,204 --> 00:14:00,906
that I already suspected...
274
00:14:00,907 --> 00:14:03,342
Stewie Griffin was a "whoops baby."
275
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,577
What the devil are you talking about?
276
00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,913
Stewie Griffin was a mistake!
277
00:14:08,948 --> 00:14:10,549
- Oh, my God.
- A mistake?
278
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:12,818
He's a big fat phony.
279
00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:14,669
Okay, I think I know whose kid that is.
280
00:14:14,670 --> 00:14:17,856
That's impossible.
How could you know that?
281
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:21,827
Oh, I had a very reliable source.
282
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:23,829
Tell me what you know.
283
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,831
Stewie's a mistake.
284
00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,966
How do you know this?
285
00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:31,037
Because I'm his brother.
286
00:14:39,142 --> 00:14:40,375
Hey, Stewie. What's wrong?
287
00:14:40,376 --> 00:14:41,944
In an effort to win the election,
288
00:14:41,945 --> 00:14:43,812
Doug has stooped to
the most preposterous
289
00:14:43,813 --> 00:14:45,347
of lies and mudslinging.
290
00:14:45,348 --> 00:14:48,517
He claims I was a whoops baby.
A mistake.
291
00:14:48,518 --> 00:14:51,086
Well, if you think about it,
it, it is possible.
292
00:14:51,087 --> 00:14:52,721
No, it's not. That's absurd.
293
00:14:52,722 --> 00:14:54,623
To be honest,
I've wondered the same thing.
294
00:14:54,624 --> 00:14:56,625
You are much younger than Chris and Meg.
295
00:14:56,626 --> 00:14:59,227
Lois and Peter had two children
back-to-back,
296
00:14:59,228 --> 00:15:01,463
a boy and a girl,
one of each, and then stopped.
297
00:15:01,464 --> 00:15:03,198
And those two were already a stretch
298
00:15:03,199 --> 00:15:04,600
for Peter's meager salary.
299
00:15:04,601 --> 00:15:06,068
I mean, don't you think
it's a little odd
300
00:15:06,069 --> 00:15:08,337
that their plan would include
waiting 14 years,
301
00:15:08,338 --> 00:15:10,072
until Lois was in her 40s...
302
00:15:10,073 --> 00:15:12,174
Not exactly prime reproductive years...
303
00:15:12,175 --> 00:15:13,809
To have their third child?
304
00:15:13,810 --> 00:15:14,977
I-I'm not saying it's true,
305
00:15:14,978 --> 00:15:17,715
but if you do the math,
it kind of makes sense.
306
00:15:20,016 --> 00:15:23,051
My God, everything
about this is terrible.
307
00:15:23,052 --> 00:15:24,686
Why do you think Peter keeps leaving you
308
00:15:24,687 --> 00:15:25,954
on the fire station steps?
309
00:15:25,955 --> 00:15:28,256
Most things about this are terrible.
310
00:15:28,257 --> 00:15:31,093
Come on, little guy,
time to go to the fire station.
311
00:15:31,094 --> 00:15:32,555
Let me just fix my face.
312
00:15:34,297 --> 00:15:36,393
All right, let's go.
313
00:15:39,694 --> 00:15:41,737
I can't believe they never
bothered to tell me
314
00:15:41,738 --> 00:15:43,105
I was a mistake.
315
00:15:43,106 --> 00:15:44,439
Well, I'll get my revenge
316
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,109
by using the one trump card
every baby has.
317
00:15:47,110 --> 00:15:50,012
I'll refuse to put on my shoes.
318
00:15:50,013 --> 00:15:52,948
Stewie, let's get your shoes on.
We're going out.
319
00:15:52,949 --> 00:15:55,951
Oh, oka... Hold still, Stewie.
320
00:15:55,952 --> 00:15:57,319
Come on, let me get your shoes on.
321
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,054
Damn it, Stewie! Stop kicking.
322
00:15:59,055 --> 00:16:01,356
Will you just... Will you hold still?
323
00:16:01,357 --> 00:16:03,492
Damn it. Stop kick... Stewie.
324
00:16:04,661 --> 00:16:08,230
Well, so much for going
to the Dangly Shiny Keys Show.
325
00:16:08,231 --> 00:16:10,198
Dangly Shiny Keys Show?
326
00:16:10,199 --> 00:16:12,200
What are we waiting for? Let's go.
327
00:16:14,237 --> 00:16:15,904
What were you upset about earlier?
328
00:16:15,905 --> 00:16:17,205
I don't know, I don't remember.
329
00:16:17,206 --> 00:16:19,187
Me neither, but this is amazing.
330
00:16:22,211 --> 00:16:23,879
What are we doing
at this coffee shop, Stewie?
331
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:26,848
This is Lois's favorite spot
and I hacked their system
332
00:16:26,849 --> 00:16:28,550
so they only accept Apple Pay.
333
00:16:28,551 --> 00:16:30,591
She's gonna have no clue what to do.
334
00:16:32,055 --> 00:16:34,923
I'm sorry, we only take Apple Pay.
335
00:16:34,924 --> 00:16:37,392
Oh, what?...? I-Is that on my computer?
336
00:16:37,393 --> 00:16:39,461
Yeah, and if you don't have it,
337
00:16:39,462 --> 00:16:41,330
we're gonna have to
take the coffee back.
338
00:16:41,331 --> 00:16:42,931
You'll do no such thing.
339
00:16:42,932 --> 00:16:45,200
Shawn Mendes?!
340
00:16:45,201 --> 00:16:48,036
That's right. Wherever
a suburban mom is having trouble
341
00:16:48,037 --> 00:16:49,771
with a phone thing, I'll be there.
342
00:16:49,772 --> 00:16:51,271
Give me your phone.
343
00:16:52,642 --> 00:16:54,343
Here's your coffee.
344
00:16:54,344 --> 00:16:56,445
What do you mean the menu's online?
345
00:16:56,446 --> 00:16:58,280
I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere.
346
00:16:58,281 --> 00:17:01,230
? Shawn Mendes. ?
347
00:17:03,953 --> 00:17:06,455
All right, time for a little payback.
348
00:17:06,456 --> 00:17:09,625
Let's see how the fat man feels
about having a mistake baby
349
00:17:09,626 --> 00:17:11,960
when he has to listen
to that same child blast
350
00:17:11,961 --> 00:17:13,662
rebellious rock and roll.
351
00:17:13,663 --> 00:17:15,450
? Sugar... ?
352
00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:17,799
Ha! How do you like that, old man?
353
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,215
If it's too loud, you're too old!
354
00:17:20,216 --> 00:17:23,039
Hey, what's going on down here?
I love this song.
355
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,387
No. No, you're supposed to be
mad about this.
356
00:17:25,388 --> 00:17:27,156
I do have an issue
with the volume, though.
357
00:17:27,157 --> 00:17:30,092
- Oh, yeah, here we go.
- It needs to be louder.
358
00:17:30,093 --> 00:17:31,393
? Honey... ?
359
00:17:31,394 --> 00:17:35,264
Hey, we heard The Archies,
so we brought punch.
360
00:17:35,265 --> 00:17:36,598
What? No. No.
361
00:17:36,599 --> 00:17:38,634
This is supposed
to be making you furious.
362
00:17:38,635 --> 00:17:42,204
Oh, God, this music is
making me lose it.
363
00:17:42,205 --> 00:17:44,106
Should we order two cheese pizzas?
364
00:17:44,107 --> 00:17:45,607
- Uh, yeah.
- I'm in.
365
00:17:45,608 --> 00:17:48,077
Hey, Quagmire, Betty or Veronica?
366
00:17:48,078 --> 00:17:49,445
Both.
367
00:17:49,446 --> 00:17:51,648
- ? Oh, Quagmire ?
- ? Oh, sugar ?
368
00:17:52,749 --> 00:17:55,820
- ? Who else but Quagmire? ?
- ? Oh, honey, honey. ?
369
00:17:58,534 --> 00:18:00,756
- Hey, Stewie.
- What do you want?
370
00:18:00,757 --> 00:18:02,759
Listen, Stewie, I'm sure whoever broke
371
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,669
this whoops baby story
to sink your campaign
372
00:18:05,670 --> 00:18:08,057
never intended you
to take it personally.
373
00:18:09,165 --> 00:18:11,080
There's something
I think you should see.
374
00:18:15,738 --> 00:18:18,407
What? You've got a secret weapons room?
375
00:18:18,408 --> 00:18:21,311
Not exactly. It's a porn room.
376
00:18:22,312 --> 00:18:24,880
These are impressively
organized and cataloged.
377
00:18:24,881 --> 00:18:27,683
People in the community
like things well-labeled,
378
00:18:27,684 --> 00:18:30,219
so I developed
the Spewey Decimal System.
379
00:18:30,220 --> 00:18:31,653
I don't want to sound like a square,
380
00:18:31,654 --> 00:18:33,155
but if you put this level of effort
381
00:18:33,156 --> 00:18:35,190
into your schoolwork,
you could really soar.
382
00:18:35,191 --> 00:18:36,325
See that?
383
00:18:36,326 --> 00:18:38,193
That's a mint condition 1983
384
00:18:38,194 --> 00:18:40,496
Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn sex tape.
385
00:18:40,497 --> 00:18:44,166
Never been opened.
Market value of $150K.
386
00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:45,367
Well, if it's never been opened,
387
00:18:45,368 --> 00:18:46,702
how do you know it's the real thing?
388
00:18:46,703 --> 00:18:48,070
Oh, it's the real thing.
389
00:18:48,071 --> 00:18:50,205
People in the community
trust each other.
390
00:18:50,206 --> 00:18:51,774
Stop saying "people in the community."
391
00:18:51,775 --> 00:18:54,009
I prefer not to picture that community.
392
00:18:54,010 --> 00:18:57,427
Anyway, there's one I think
you might be interested in.
393
00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:03,452
This is dated exactly
nine months before I was born.
394
00:19:03,453 --> 00:19:07,100
You have a whole shelf of Lois
and the Fat Man's sex tapes?
395
00:19:07,101 --> 00:19:09,491
I have the camera in there
on a grunt sensor.
396
00:19:09,492 --> 00:19:12,494
There's a lot of Dad
just going to the bathroom.
397
00:19:12,495 --> 00:19:14,129
That's disturbing even to me,
398
00:19:14,130 --> 00:19:16,780
and I've been to an
Eyes Wide Shut party.
399
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:20,202
Sorry, sir, there's a strict
800-penis limit.
400
00:19:20,203 --> 00:19:23,205
If I let you in, the fire marshal
will be all over my back.
401
00:19:23,206 --> 00:19:25,207
But the fire marshal's on
that guy's back.
402
00:19:25,208 --> 00:19:27,910
Yeah, but he'll get off
his back and on my back.
403
00:19:27,911 --> 00:19:29,545
It's a great party.
404
00:19:37,220 --> 00:19:39,088
Hey, everyone, I'm Peter Griffin,
405
00:19:39,089 --> 00:19:41,390
and this is my Real World audition.
406
00:19:41,391 --> 00:19:45,227
Peter... there's something I want to do.
407
00:19:45,228 --> 00:19:46,595
Oh, God, I know that look.
408
00:19:46,596 --> 00:19:49,131
You're ovulating.
Wha-What are you doing?
409
00:19:49,132 --> 00:19:51,366
No. No! Aah!
410
00:19:54,337 --> 00:19:56,538
Wow. Lois has strong thighs.
411
00:19:56,539 --> 00:19:59,675
Please, no!
412
00:19:59,676 --> 00:20:01,243
Fine, just get it over with.
413
00:20:01,244 --> 00:20:03,612
I'm gonna be a mom again!
414
00:20:03,613 --> 00:20:06,584
My existence is justified.
415
00:20:07,951 --> 00:20:10,710
The old man's
got quite a meat bag on him, huh?
416
00:20:10,711 --> 00:20:14,189
This... was the night I was conceived?
417
00:20:14,190 --> 00:20:15,357
Yep.
418
00:20:15,358 --> 00:20:17,159
That's how it happened
with all of us, Stewie.
419
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:19,261
That's why we're trash people.
420
00:20:19,262 --> 00:20:20,673
But this means...
421
00:20:20,674 --> 00:20:23,031
technically I'm only half an accident.
422
00:20:23,032 --> 00:20:25,134
- Yep.
- Thanks, Chris.
423
00:20:25,135 --> 00:20:26,235
It was me.
424
00:20:26,236 --> 00:20:29,001
I was complimenting my own meat bag.
425
00:20:34,406 --> 00:20:38,576
Brian, say hello
to the new snack captain.
426
00:20:38,577 --> 00:20:41,579
You actually won? Wow, congrats, Stewie.
427
00:20:41,580 --> 00:20:43,581
I thought you being a mistake
ruined your chances.
428
00:20:43,582 --> 00:20:44,683
How'd you pull it off?
429
00:20:44,684 --> 00:20:48,086
It turns out 70% of
the kids' parents aren't married
430
00:20:48,087 --> 00:20:49,788
and 30% are mistakes.
431
00:20:49,789 --> 00:20:51,322
Nobody gets married anymore.
432
00:20:51,323 --> 00:20:52,991
One kid doesn't even have parents.
433
00:20:52,992 --> 00:20:55,994
He just kind of appeared.
Sleeps in one of the cubbies.
434
00:20:55,995 --> 00:20:57,236
I mean, that's the story
435
00:20:57,237 --> 00:20:58,863
I would have told this week,
but whatever.
436
00:20:58,864 --> 00:21:01,977
Oh, and Doug died in a commuter
plane crash this morning.
33052
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