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1
00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:13,054
Wait, what’s that? Do I hear something
coming down the chimney?
2
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:18,226
Rick Santa-chez here with gifts
from across the multiverse!
3
00:00:18,309 --> 00:00:19,310
-Yes.
-Oh my god.
4
00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:22,897
For Jerry, an extradimensional version
of Miracle on 34th Street.
5
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:26,526
Two hours longer! They fixed
my only problem with it!
6
00:00:26,609 --> 00:00:28,695
For Beth, a framed photo of the two of us
7
00:00:28,778 --> 00:00:31,156
from a universe where she
wasn’t murdered as a child.
8
00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:33,533
-Oh my God. Dad.
-And for Space Beth,
9
00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:36,119
he same thing because we,
we don’t know which of you is real.
10
00:00:36,202 --> 00:00:37,829
I am also touched.
11
00:00:37,912 --> 00:00:39,289
Summer, ch-check your Venmo.
12
00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:43,752
-Money? How did you know?
-You’re seventeen.
13
00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:46,379
And last but not least,
for my number one number two.
14
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:49,466
Morty you asked for this a long,
long time ago and I finally went
15
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:52,385
far, far away enough to get it
since shipping would have killed me.
16
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:54,804
You didn’t! No fucking way.
17
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,139
-No fucking way.
-No fucking way.
18
00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:58,808
-Does it make the noises?
-Of course it makes the noises.
19
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,769
-that’s like half the fun.
-Awesome!
20
00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:02,270
Do not turn that on!
21
00:01:02,353 --> 00:01:05,315
Don’t worry. Morty’s only going to
use this very honorable weapon
22
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:07,901
in designated Jedi zones like
the garage right now.
23
00:01:13,364 --> 00:01:17,202
Holy crap. I hate to say it but I
wish there was something to attack.
24
00:01:17,285 --> 00:01:19,496
Yeah it’s too bad nobody bought
a cart a fruit!
25
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:21,581
You beautiful son of a bitch!
26
00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:26,795
Grapefruit! Mango! Papaya! Watermelon!
A second papaya! Another watermelon!
27
00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,004
-Strike me down.
-What?
28
00:01:28,087 --> 00:01:30,215
-Strike me down.
-I’m not striking you down.
29
00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:33,510
Strike me down Morty! I’ll, I’ll become
a pile of clothes like that old guy!
30
00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:34,969
But you'll die, you’re drunk.
31
00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:36,679
-Here, I’ll, I’ll do it myself.
-No!
32
00:01:39,015 --> 00:01:43,353
Wow, you did it! Just like Obi Wan.
Rick? You can come out now.
33
00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:47,899
I’m serious. Did you like, become
your clothes? Are you T-shirt Rick now?
34
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:49,776
Over here, buttfart.
35
00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:51,861
-That was awesome!
-Right?
36
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,364
Rick, you know you’ve been so
great the last couple months,
37
00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:57,033
the family’s so happy,
I’m really grateful.
38
00:01:57,116 --> 00:01:59,911
Thanks kid, but less talk
more melon slaying! Heads up!
39
00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:08,962
-Oh shit shit shit. Open it, Rick!
-Let me do it! Get up, get fucking move!
40
00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:11,172
Hurry! Hurry!
41
00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:14,968
You dropped it perfectly vertical, Morty!
Perfectly fucking vertical!
42
00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:17,220
-I got it, I got it
-Ah, shi...
43
00:02:19,055 --> 00:02:20,390
-Shit.
-Elevator! Elevator!
44
00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:23,518
-We gotta get ahead of it! Level ten?
-No no no, fifteen!
45
00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:31,276
Wait, we live over a cool sushi spot?
46
00:02:31,359 --> 00:02:33,945
-Irasshaimase!
-Domo. Domo. Not now though.
47
00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:36,406
Okay, we overshot it.
Good problem to have.
48
00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:37,907
Still doing the eel roll?
49
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,076
-I told you we shoulda gone to ten!
-No, Morty, not ten!
50
00:02:41,744 --> 00:02:42,954
Morty, wait, wait, wait!
51
00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:46,249
What the fuck?
52
00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:52,130
-Rick?
-You dumb fucking robot. You had one job!
53
00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:53,882
Hey, that job is to be a good Grandpa,
54
00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:55,967
-I go where the kid goes.
-Don’t touch me!
55
00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:58,595
How long have I...
You said you weren’t a robot!
56
00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:00,096
It killed me to lie to you, Morty!
57
00:03:00,179 --> 00:03:02,557
But it would have literally
killed me not to lie to you.
58
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,434
Betrayal! Betrayal on all sides!
59
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:07,437
Don’t overreact, Morty. I replaced myself
towards the beginning of that
60
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:08,938
whole Knights of the Sun thing.
61
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:12,025
I’m no good to anybody until
I resolve this arch nemesis crap.
62
00:03:12,108 --> 00:03:14,110
You’re still hunting the guy
who killed your wife?
63
00:03:14,193 --> 00:03:17,113
You don’t have to rub it in, Morty,
that’s why I removed myself.
64
00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:20,533
I’ve become the thing I hate.
It’s like a Netflix drama down here,
65
00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:24,162
and I don’t mean an accidentally good one,
I mean a regular-ass Netflix drama.
66
00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:25,246
I did you a favor.
67
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:32,128
You gave him a fuckin’
lightsaber for Christmas?
68
00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:34,923
It’s almost like someone designed me
to be twenty-two percent
69
00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,257
-more thoughtful than you.
-Alright, that’s it,
70
00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:37,884
-I’m shutting you down
-Don’t you dare.
71
00:03:37,967 --> 00:03:39,969
You’ve done enough.
The whole family, Rick.
72
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,680
-Everybody loves this thing.
-Oh, good.
73
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:46,517
By the way, your lightsaber’s probably run
out of sub-basement by now, so, congrats.
74
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:47,936
Unbelievable.
75
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:50,647
I can’t believe you tricked us
76
00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:52,231
-into loving you!
-Not because I like it,
77
00:03:52,315 --> 00:03:55,693
because it’s my job! But thank
god I don’t have to do it anymore.
78
00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:57,654
The fuck you don’t. It’s Christmas!
79
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,697
Get up there and trick everyone
into loving you more!
80
00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:02,367
Let’s get our miracle on.
81
00:04:02,992 --> 00:04:06,162
-Speaking of miracles.
-What, bored of your toy already?
82
00:04:06,245 --> 00:04:08,831
Just excited to spend time with my family.
83
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:11,417
You know me and Morty,
we’re all about those streets.
84
00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:14,337
Would ya look at this! New York City!
85
00:04:14,712 --> 00:04:16,422
Who woulda thought it had
so many streets?
86
00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:21,135
And avenues too. Oh Gosh! Hey, sir!
Sir, have you seen any miracles?
87
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:23,262
My little girl, she’s sick
and she needs a miracle.
88
00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:26,641
The Presidential blackhawk
is landing on the lawn.
89
00:04:26,724 --> 00:04:27,684
I’ll get rid of him.
90
00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:32,605
-You got something to tell me, Morty?
-Merry Christmas?
91
00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:35,233
Who dropped a lightsaber
perfectly fucking vertical?
92
00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:39,404
Guess what, numb nuts,
it’s a mile deep and still going.
93
00:04:39,487 --> 00:04:40,738
You know what’s
in the hilt of that thing?
94
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,740
-Kyber Crystals.
-Okay, nerd.
95
00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:44,909
Whatever it is, when it hits the core,
96
00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:47,286
it’s gonna cause a chain
reaction that destroys the Earth.
97
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,247
-It is?
-Why are you still playing wth
98
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:51,207
laser swords anyway? You’re fourteen.
99
00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:53,543
You know all that Star
Wars shit is silly, right?
100
00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:57,422
Lucas promised a new trilogy for decades,
then when he delivered fans turned on him
101
00:04:57,505 --> 00:04:59,882
and started giving any knucklehead
with nerd cred a shot
102
00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:03,594
and churned out these irredeemable
cash grabs. Half pretend to be satisfied,
103
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,888
half shit on it and in the end
no one’s happy.
104
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,306
Do you know why, Morty?
105
00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:10,518
Because when you start with a turd,
you end with a turd.
106
00:05:11,936 --> 00:05:13,646
Why you crying? Where’s Rick?
107
00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:20,403
He’s busy, and I hate him, and I lost my
lightsaber and now it might destroy Earth
108
00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:23,322
and you’re unloading all this Gen X
hatred on me for even wanting one
109
00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:26,659
-and it’s the worst Christmas ever!
-Okay, Morty, Morty.
110
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:28,911
I shouldn’t have talked to
you like you’re a UN official.
111
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:32,081
Let’s get your embarrassing ass lightsaber
back so you can swing it around
112
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,124
instead of kissing girls.
113
00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:37,712
You found me! Found me!
Found me!
114
00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:47,764
-Security breach.
-What the hell?
115
00:05:48,097 --> 00:05:50,892
-Unauthorized presence.
-What the fuck Morty?
116
00:05:52,351 --> 00:05:56,189
This morning, a real life version
of George Lucas’s trademarked lightsaber
117
00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:59,484
was dropped point down and is whomp
whomping its way to the core of the Earth
118
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:01,194
where it will blow us all up.
119
00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:07,158
Touch my shit and die. That’s not a threat
from me, that’s how advanced my shit is.
120
00:06:07,241 --> 00:06:10,828
Impressive lair, Sanchez. Got about
six hundred thousand permits?
121
00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:13,456
If I wanted the government in my
house I’d buy an Alexa!
122
00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:15,958
-I invited him in, Rick.
-Yeah, well, they can leave.
123
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,127
-I’ll destroy it.
-We’re gonna retrieve it.
124
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:20,880
-Well that’s stupid.
-What kind of grandfather are you?
125
00:06:20,963 --> 00:06:22,423
It’s Christmas for God’s sake,
126
00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:24,967
and you look like Phil Spector
wiped his ass with Randy Quaid.
127
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:27,011
If you’re gonna help,
help, otherwise step aside.
128
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:28,971
Merry Christmas to me.
129
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,807
-Merry Christmas to me!
-To me!
130
00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:33,643
Anyhoo, I’m no expert but
it seems we’ve gotta...
131
00:06:34,393 --> 00:06:36,813
a certain amount of time
to build a big drill ship.
132
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:37,897
A big drill ship?
133
00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:40,108
That’s some pretty loud
stepping aside you’re doing.
134
00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:42,693
-Just let me destroy the thing!
-You’ve destroyed enough!
135
00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:48,825
Oh, I see someone found my
Told-ya so Dispenser.
136
00:06:49,325 --> 00:06:54,163
Oh my god, look at all these streets!
We got 34th street! 35th street!
137
00:06:54,247 --> 00:07:00,253
36th street coming too! It’s a miracle!
We got miracles on 37th street!
138
00:07:01,003 --> 00:07:04,090
38th, and don’t even get
me started on the Avenues!
139
00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:05,633
I can’t believe they cut this!
140
00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:08,845
Dad. You’ve been so great lately.
141
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:12,390
I’m almost afraid it’s not real.
You’re not a robot, are you?
142
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:15,810
Put it this way, honey.
If I am, I’m a robot
143
00:07:15,893 --> 00:07:18,521
programmed to love you very, very much.
144
00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,527
Will this drill down fast enough
to get under the lightsaber?
145
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:27,071
Yep. It will be under the lightsaber
in one hour, because the...
146
00:07:27,446 --> 00:07:30,199
Wait, it’s lower now.
Oh, right, it’s moving.
147
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,326
You fucking idiot. Get out of here!
148
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:34,829
Good luck finding
a good scientist on Christmas!
149
00:07:35,329 --> 00:07:37,373
I’m President of the United
Assholes.
150
00:07:39,041 --> 00:07:40,710
All right, genius, I give you permission
151
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:43,129
-to make our drill ship faster.
-I’m not touching that thing.
152
00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:46,591
I’ll get neurotypical cooties, I have
son-in-laws more imaginative
153
00:07:46,674 --> 00:07:50,052
-Alright, just destroy the lightsaber!
-Thought you’d never ask.
154
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:51,387
Not true, I knew you’d ask.
155
00:07:52,346 --> 00:07:53,723
-What is that?
-A second lightsaber
156
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:56,350
with an AI controlled gyroscopic rocket
in the hilt.
157
00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:58,978
-You had a lightsaber?
-Oh did you want one?
158
00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:01,397
What a terrible gift that would have made.
159
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:04,734
-Vertisaber, state your prime directive.
-To stay vertical.
160
00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:06,777
-Then show ‘em how it’s done.
-Affirmative.
161
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,072
-Yeah!
-America!
162
00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:16,454
-Maintain verticality, Vertisaber.
-Affirmative.
163
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,831
Alright, looking good. Stay on target.
164
00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:22,793
Progress report.
165
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:27,423
-Vertisaber, do you copy?
-Do I have to respond every time?
166
00:08:27,506 --> 00:08:30,218
-Excuse me?
-I’m designed to stay perfectly vertical,
167
00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:33,137
not to give constant affirmation,
you do your job I’ll do mine.
168
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,472
-I control you!
-Okay,
169
00:08:34,555 --> 00:08:37,225
I’ll just turn off my brain
and you can do that, bye!
170
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,560
Fucking kidding me? Shit!
171
00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:41,062
Trajectory’s drifting, sir.
172
00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:44,106
-Where is it coming out?
-Looks like Italy, sir.
173
00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:48,986
Okay, that coulda been worse.
174
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:58,412
Well, that is definitely not Amore.
175
00:08:58,496 --> 00:09:00,998
-Way to show us how it’s done, Rick.
-Whatever.
176
00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:03,459
-Italian Prime Minister on line one.
-Put him on hold.
177
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:06,128
We can pin this on the Saudis.
This is something they’d do.
178
00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,047
They may as well have done it.
179
00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:10,049
They did do it.
180
00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:13,678
Oh, there’s another miracle at the
end of the intersection
181
00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:17,181
of four hundred and first boulevard
and seven thousand street!
182
00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:21,644
-That’s a miracle per block so far.
-Okay even I’m nearing my limit.
183
00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:23,354
Let’s play a Christmas game!
184
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:28,150
Have you guys ever played
“Are You a Robot?”
185
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:31,404
Each person here has to decide
whether or not t-they’re a robot.
186
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:32,863
-Ooh I like that.
-Yes, yes, yes.
187
00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:34,991
But don’t say it out loud.
Because if you’re a robot,
188
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,159
you’re not allowed to say
you are, that’s the rule.
189
00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:39,912
That’s the horrible, painful thing
about being a robot.
190
00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,665
But you do have to answer
everyone’s questions.
191
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:45,835
And it’s their jobs to decide whether
you are or aren’t a robot because,
192
00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:48,671
because if you are a robot you can’t
say! You’re not allowed to say at all.
193
00:09:49,755 --> 00:09:51,340
I’ll go first! Question?
194
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:55,636
-Are you a robot? Can I just ask that?
-You can!
195
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,972
But don’t forget that
if i am i have to lie
196
00:09:58,055 --> 00:10:01,017
even though i don’t want to.
More questions?
197
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:03,352
-Can you feel things?
-Oh fuck yes! Yes!
198
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:06,439
That’s the problem! If I’m a robot,
which I’m not,
199
00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:10,276
don’t forget I have to say that
but yes, yes, I feel so much,
200
00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:14,030
I’m filled with love for certain
people, but also filled with shame
201
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,157
If I’m programmed to deceive them,
202
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,367
-but that’s a big if!
-What’s your skeleton made of?
203
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:19,368
Titanium!
204
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,120
-You’re, you’re a robot!
-Yes!
205
00:10:21,203 --> 00:10:24,874
No! But that’s what a robot would say!
So you get the idea!
206
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:26,250
Suck it bitches!
207
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:29,128
This is fun! I’ve always been
afraid to let my guard down
208
00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:30,838
and just have stupid family fun like this
209
00:10:30,921 --> 00:10:33,632
but Grandpa Rick is making me
learn to be vulnerable!
210
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:34,717
-Me too!
-Right on!
211
00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:42,099
Alright. Your derivative drill ship
is now faster than a lightsaber.
212
00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:44,977
-Morty, you want front or back?
-Who says the two of us are going?
213
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:47,688
-You didn’t even want to...
-Oh for fuck’s sake, bye,
214
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,231
good luck, don’t blow up my planet
215
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:51,484
You act like you’re the one that
got stabbed in the back.
216
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:53,110
Because I am the one, Morty.
217
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,821
You wanna know why I replaced
myself in the beginning of that stupid
218
00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:58,741
Knights of the Sun thing? I said
don’t take the fucking sword
219
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:00,242
and you were like “whatever”
220
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:03,120
like I’m our neighbor Gene or
David Arquette or something.
221
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,873
You called me boring.
I’ve become dog shit to you.
222
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,751
That’s what happens when you let
people in and they stop respecting you,
223
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:11,921
they touch your shit, they screw
things up, they kill your fucking family.
224
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:14,548
Go ahead. Trust him. You’re going
to learn the same fucking thing.
225
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:20,137
I... am not going to
kill your family, Morty.
226
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:21,680
That means a lot.
227
00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:29,146
In case this goes south,
any last words, Morty?
228
00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:31,148
I’ve never been old enough
to vote, Mr. President,
229
00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:33,859
-but when I am, I’ll vote for you.
-Thanks, Morty.
230
00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:36,821
Every vote counts. If you want I can
have them legally change your age.
231
00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:39,615
No, I’m not in any hurry to
get into that shit show.
232
00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:43,911
Approaching the lightsaber in T minus,
shit, now, T-minus NOW!
233
00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:46,455
Sorry! I missed countdown day
at the academy.
234
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,581
Now or never, Morty!
235
00:11:51,877 --> 00:11:53,462
-There it is!
-Reverse the jets!
236
00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:56,215
I got this!
237
00:11:58,801 --> 00:12:00,511
No... I do!
238
00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:04,306
Morty, you magnificent little bastard!
Let’s get this thing topside.
239
00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:10,479
May the force be with me!
240
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:14,150
-I think you mean with me.
-What? You hate Star Wars.
241
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:17,987
I was your age when this shit was
in theaters. This franchise raised me.
242
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:21,574
Trained me, taught me good from evil,
made having a bad father empowering.
243
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:25,911
And when that third movie got all
muppety, something in me began to rot,
244
00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:30,166
but make no mistake, child.
I own Star Wars. Not you.
245
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:34,003
Not that bubble throat pompadour fuck,
not some Mickey Mouse shit machine,
246
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:36,547
they didn’t pay the price
with their souls. I did.
247
00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:37,882
I earned this. Not you.
248
00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:43,429
-America! Transform and roll out.
-Bastard!
249
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:51,520
Rick. I would be honored if you
would carve the ham this year.
250
00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:53,856
-Dad, that’s...
-Unheard of?
251
00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:55,107
You’re quite right, Summer.
252
00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:59,403
It’s my way of saying I see
your mom’s father as my father too.
253
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:02,239
Jerry, w-w-why don’t you cut it?
254
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,200
Geez, Dad, what the hell are you doing?
255
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:07,203
He’s like adopting you into his
biological family, Grandpa.
256
00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:09,955
Morty, I am sure glad to see you.
257
00:13:10,414 --> 00:13:13,042
-Ready to tag your old grandpa back in?
-You’re not my grandpa,
258
00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:14,543
you’re a fucking robot.
259
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:23,385
Finally.
260
00:13:23,802 --> 00:13:28,349
The First Noel
261
00:13:29,099 --> 00:13:33,687
The Angels did say
262
00:13:34,438 --> 00:13:39,527
was to certain poor shepherds
263
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:44,573
in fields as they lay.
264
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,870
Okay, okay, okay.
265
00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:58,254
-Summer do you have any drugs?
-Are you serious?
266
00:13:58,587 --> 00:13:59,547
I guess not.
267
00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,924
I’m just glad I’m not the one
that ruined Christmas
268
00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:04,176
-People of Earth.
-That’s never good.
269
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,845
I’m not here to play the blame game
but Morty Smith
270
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:09,306
got a lightsaber for Christmas,
dropped it, and it’s now
271
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:12,101
heading for the Earth’s core again,
I mean for the first time.
272
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,852
Son of a bitch! He played with it!
273
00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:16,689
If it does reach the core,
it will blow all of you up.
274
00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:20,442
I mean all of us up.
But don’t abandon hope.
275
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:24,321
We’re doing everything we can to
stop it and only if that fails
276
00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:26,282
will we launch the White House
into space...
277
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:30,869
Welp, I’m busted.
Clearly in space already.
278
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:32,788
-You did ruin Christmas.
-Nuh-uh!
279
00:14:32,871 --> 00:14:36,500
He stole my lightsaber and must’ve
dropped it! A second time!
280
00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:39,128
Does that mean you stopped it a
first time? How?
281
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:42,464
-A drill ship.
-A drill ship? Awesome.
282
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,466
It was, but the government
took it with them.
283
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,552
Then we lean on the only
asshole smart enough to make
284
00:14:46,635 --> 00:14:49,263
-another one in this tight a window.
-But Rick’s gone.
285
00:14:49,346 --> 00:14:51,181
And I’m not sure he’s ever coming back.
286
00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,642
Then let’s settle for the next best thing.
287
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:58,063
Oh fuck, just let me die! Turn me off.
288
00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:01,066
Not that I can be turned off
because I’m obviously not a robot!
289
00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:25,341
Fuck yeah! I got you.
290
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,052
Okay, I can, I can work with that.
291
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:37,186
What do youmean the White House chef
was grocery shopping?
292
00:15:37,686 --> 00:15:41,190
Well do you know how to make an egg?
You do? Everyone does?
293
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:45,736
Good news, sir. The lightsaber was
intercepted before it hit the core!
294
00:15:45,819 --> 00:15:49,865
Alright, here we go! I don’t suppose
you could send it up here.
295
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:53,494
-Who intercepted it anyway?
-That’s the bad news.
296
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,038
That is bad news.
297
00:16:00,959 --> 00:16:03,837
- Hey, Mister P. Drop something?
-Morty.
298
00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:07,383
I see you and Rick patched
things up, that’s nice.
299
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:09,259
No, the real Rick and I have
never been worse
300
00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:12,346
thanks to that wedge you drove
between us just to get that lightsaber!
301
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:15,974
Yeah, well, looks like you got it back.
Your journey is complete.
302
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,268
-As a nerd!
-You’re the nerd!
303
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:21,563
You can’t say all that crazy shit about
Star Wars and then act like you’re cool!
304
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,483
Oh really, would a person who
wasn’t cool have one of these?
305
00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:26,360
I think so?
306
00:16:26,443 --> 00:16:27,986
Slowly closing door, slide!
307
00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:31,448
Oh no I’m not gonna make it.
308
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:36,161
What a shame to be put
out of my misery again. Aw man.
309
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,253
What the hell? Was this always
part of the White House?
310
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:46,088
Carter built it with his own two hands.
311
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:49,925
Reagan tried to destroy it.
George W added kegs to the cantina.
312
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:53,554
But only I saw its true value.
313
00:16:53,637 --> 00:16:56,682
Mister President. You need to come
home and tell the people the truth.
314
00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:59,393
The fuck I do. Droids, get that saber!
315
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,856
Give it a minute. Usually comes out
on the fourth try.
316
00:17:04,732 --> 00:17:09,945
Alright, here we go. Look at ‘em.
lightsaber hands! Tell me that’s not cool!
317
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:13,574
It’s not! I always wanted to fight
with a lightsaber, but not like this.
318
00:17:13,657 --> 00:17:16,160
-You ruined it!
-Disney ruined it!
319
00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:19,121
You think I want thirty low-rent
tv series with bad CGI?
320
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:22,249
They film everything on that
one big green screen!
321
00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:23,959
Like you’ve got better ideas.
322
00:17:24,042 --> 00:17:28,881
I’ve got a million! Here’s one:
a robot with lightsabers for eyes!
323
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:38,974
Goddamnit, he can’t see!
324
00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:46,023
It was a good idea otherwise.
I... admit it, you were intimidated!
325
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:49,276
Now, Morty...
326
00:17:52,988 --> 00:17:56,909
C’mon, put down the lightsaber
gatling gun. We had our fun, right?
327
00:17:57,993 --> 00:17:59,328
Star Wars rules say
328
00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:02,498
-you have to forgive me.
-I’m done with that and I’m done with you!
329
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:05,042
-Morty, no!
-Rickbot!
330
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,336
He sacrificed his life for me!
331
00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:10,172
Yeah don’t be too touched,
he’s actively trying to die.
332
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:13,592
It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt.
333
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:18,180
Oh god, they’re sliding, Morty!
They’re sliding! They’re sliding!
334
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:23,143
The First Noel
335
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:27,689
-the Angels did say.
-Perfectly fucking vertical.
336
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,865
Save yourself, Morty!
Rick can build another me.
337
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:39,201
If I was a robot, which I’m not.
338
00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:43,288
I don’t want another you. No!
339
00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:49,920
Rick? You came to help!
340
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:51,588
Better tend to your lil toaster.
341
00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:55,050
I’m coughing up oil, Morty.
342
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:59,221
Oh Rickbot, I never should’ve pushed
you away. You were, you were so great.
343
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:00,889
Of course I’m great, I’m Rick.
344
00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:04,893
Rick literally built me to
make you happy, Morty.
345
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,813
Anything I do is technically
something Rick did.
346
00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:12,442
But maybe he can do a little more himself.
347
00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:14,278
God, how long do you take to die?
348
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:16,530
Goodbye Morty.
349
00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:23,537
Jesus, Rick.
350
00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:27,416
I guess this is a bad time to
ask for a new White House?
351
00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:31,003
Morty, would you mind calling me an Uber?
352
00:19:32,629 --> 00:19:35,507
Right, well... Merry Christmas.
353
00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:39,261
I guess I’ll go watch a guy scream
about streets with the family.
354
00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:41,805
-Also, you need to shower.
-Hey.
355
00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:45,809
Maybe the robot’s right, I should
have included you in my shit.
356
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:48,604
You can help me if you want.
357
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:56,111
Wow, are those all the places
Rick Prime could be?
358
00:19:56,194 --> 00:19:58,947
I wish, Morty. It’s all the places he is.
359
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:01,283
-Ah geez.
-Welcome to my darkness.
360
00:20:01,658 --> 00:20:03,911
I spent my life hunting this guy, Morty!
361
00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:07,789
This is the closest I’ve ever been to
catching “Rick Prime”, it’s impossible!
362
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:11,793
He’s an incredibly crafty piece of shit.
Hunting him destroyed me, Morty!
363
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:14,129
But now we’re gonna do it together!
You and me!
364
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:17,466
It’s gonna take over your life, Morty!
Rick and Morty Season 7,
365
00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:20,552
hunting my nemesis! Maybe trying to
stay healthy while doing it!
366
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:23,805
Juggling plates! And not every episode,
Morty! It could be all happening
367
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:26,683
in the background! Who knows?
You know, no one will! Except us!
368
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:29,353
It’s the most painful shit I’ve
ever had to deal with
369
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:32,272
and I’m fucking bringing you into it.
Because you asked for it, Morty!
370
00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:33,440
You and me, Morty!
371
00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:11,269
Ooo-wee! What a season, huh? Rick Prime!
Therapy! And that thing we did with Roy,
372
00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:16,358
remember that? Sorry I wasn’t around,
been busy getting my little poopybutt
373
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:18,610
in shape. Been tonin and bonin!
374
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:23,490
You- you might think I’m over compensating
for the emptiness after Amy left
375
00:21:23,573 --> 00:21:28,537
with Poopy Jr, but my trainer Carl says
the best way to get over a girl is to get
376
00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:31,540
-under a three hundred pound squat.
-Damn right.
377
00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:34,459
Ooooo-wee, that’s the good stuff!
378
00:21:37,295 --> 00:21:42,426
Ah sugar, ah sugar, ah sugar, is it bad?
Oh! It seems really bad, isn’t it?
379
00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:48,598
Someone call Amy, tell her I need her,
tell her I love her! Not my phone,
380
00:21:48,682 --> 00:21:52,769
she blocked me, use yours.
Ooo-weee... I am broken.
33505
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