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1
00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:10,303
Wait, what's that?
2
00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:12,804
Do I hear something
coming down the chimney?
3
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:17,518
Rick Santa-chez here with
gifts from across the multiverse!
4
00:00:17,602 --> 00:00:18,811
Oh, my God! Yes!
5
00:00:18,894 --> 00:00:20,605
For Jerry, an
extra dimensional version
6
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:22,190
of "Miracle on 34th Street."
7
00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:24,108
Two hours longer!
8
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:26,234
They fixed my
only problem with it!
9
00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:28,571
For Beth, a framed photo of
the two of us from a universe
10
00:00:28,653 --> 00:00:30,489
where she wasn't
murdered as a child.
11
00:00:30,573 --> 00:00:31,949
Oh, my God. Dad.
12
00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:33,913
And for Space Beth, the
same thing because we...
13
00:00:33,993 --> 00:00:35,513
We don't know which
one of you is real.
14
00:00:35,578 --> 00:00:37,704
I am also touched.
15
00:00:37,789 --> 00:00:39,039
Summer, c-check your Venmo.
16
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:42,292
Ah! Money? How did you know?
17
00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:43,503
You're 17.
18
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:44,670
And last but not least,
19
00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:46,088
for my number one number two.
20
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:47,899
Morty you asked for
this a long, long time ago
21
00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:50,426
and I finally went far,
far away enough to get it
22
00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:52,011
since shipping
would have killed me.
23
00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:54,304
You didn't! No fucking way.
24
00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:55,765
No fucking way.
25
00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:57,350
Does it make the noises?
26
00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,536
Of course it "makes the
noises." That's like half the fun.
27
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,645
Ha ha! Awesome!
28
00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:02,248
Whoa, do not turn
that on! Don't worry.
29
00:01:02,313 --> 00:01:04,524
Morty's only gonna use
this very honorable weapon
30
00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:08,528
in designated Jedi zones...
Like the garage right now!
31
00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:10,862
Ah! Ohhhh!
32
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,075
Holy crap!
33
00:01:14,158 --> 00:01:16,536
I hate to say it, but I wish
there was something to attack.
34
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,870
Yeah, it's too bad nobody
bought a cart of fruit!
35
00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:20,998
You beautiful son of a bitch!
36
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,375
Grapefruit! Mango!
37
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,376
Papaya! Watermelon!
38
00:01:24,460 --> 00:01:26,379
A second papaya!
Another watermelon!
39
00:01:26,462 --> 00:01:27,671
Strike me down. What?
40
00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,757
Strike me down! I'm
not striking you down.
41
00:01:29,841 --> 00:01:31,216
Strike me down, Morty!
42
00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:32,902
I-I'll become a pile of
clothes like that old guy!
43
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,302
But you'll die. You're drunk.
44
00:01:34,387 --> 00:01:35,721
Here, I'll... I'll do it myself.
45
00:01:35,805 --> 00:01:37,557
No!
46
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,725
Ha ha, wow, you did
it! Just like Obi-Wan.
47
00:01:40,810 --> 00:01:43,353
Rick? Y-You can come out now.
48
00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:44,438
I'm serious.
49
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:45,981
Did you, like,
become your clothes?
50
00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:47,275
Are you T-shirt Rick now?
51
00:01:47,358 --> 00:01:49,067
Psst. Over here, buttfart.
52
00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:51,236
Hoo, that was awesome! Right?!
53
00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:52,655
Rick, you know, y-y-you've been
54
00:01:52,737 --> 00:01:54,156
so great the last couple months.
55
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,408
The family's so happy.
I'm... I'm really grateful.
56
00:01:56,491 --> 00:01:59,036
Aw, thanks, kid, but less
talk, more melon slinging!
57
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,496
Heads up! Whoops!
58
00:02:05,084 --> 00:02:06,126
Oh shit, shit, shit.
59
00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:07,545
Open it, Rick! Let me do it!
60
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:08,980
Get up. Get...
Fucking move! Hurry!
61
00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:11,048
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
62
00:02:11,132 --> 00:02:12,651
You dropped it
perfectly vertical, Morty!
63
00:02:12,675 --> 00:02:14,551
P-Perfectly fucking vertical!
64
00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:15,927
I got it, I got it! Aww!
65
00:02:16,012 --> 00:02:17,221
Ah, shoot.
66
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:18,598
Shit.
67
00:02:18,681 --> 00:02:19,764
Elevator! Elevator!
68
00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:20,932
We gotta get ahead of it!
69
00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:23,519
L-Level 10? No, no, no! 15!
70
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,818
Wait, we live over
a cool sushi spot?
71
00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:33,905
Domo, domo. Not now, though.
72
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,365
Okay, we overshot it.
Good problem to have.
73
00:02:36,449 --> 00:02:37,616
Still doing the eel roll?
74
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:38,926
I told you we
should've gone to 10!
75
00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:40,703
No, Morty, not 10!
76
00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:42,097
Morty, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait!
77
00:02:42,121 --> 00:02:44,623
Let me out.
78
00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:45,832
What the fuck?
79
00:02:47,710 --> 00:02:48,793
Rick?!
80
00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:51,546
You dumb fucking
robot. You had one job!
81
00:02:51,631 --> 00:02:53,382
Hey, that job was to
be a good grandpa,
82
00:02:53,466 --> 00:02:54,800
I-I go where the kid goes.
83
00:02:54,884 --> 00:02:56,218
Don't touch me!
84
00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:58,182
How long have I... You
said you weren't a robot!
85
00:02:58,262 --> 00:02:59,805
It killed me to
lie to you, Morty.
86
00:02:59,889 --> 00:03:02,098
But it would have literally
killed me not to lie to you.
87
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,060
Betrayal! Betrayal on all sides!
88
00:03:04,143 --> 00:03:05,436
Don't overreact, Morty.
89
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:06,830
I-I replaced myself
towards the beginning
90
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:08,563
of that whole Knights
of the Sun thing.
91
00:03:08,647 --> 00:03:09,856
I-I'm no good to anybody
92
00:03:09,941 --> 00:03:11,484
until I resolve this
archnemesis crap.
93
00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:13,777
You're still hunting the
guy who killed your wife?
94
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:15,236
You don't have
to rub it in, Morty.
95
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,948
T-That's why I removed myself.
96
00:03:17,031 --> 00:03:18,282
I've become the thing I hate.
97
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,033
I-It's like a Netflix
drama down here,
98
00:03:20,116 --> 00:03:21,757
and I don't mean an
accidentally good one,
99
00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:23,829
I mean a regular-ass
Netflix drama.
100
00:03:23,913 --> 00:03:25,413
I did you a favor.
101
00:03:28,918 --> 00:03:31,670
Y-You gave him a fuckin'
lightsaber for Christmas?!
102
00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:33,296
It's almost like
someone designed me
103
00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:35,383
to be 22% more
thoughtful than you.
104
00:03:35,466 --> 00:03:36,860
All right, that's it, I'm
shutting you down.
105
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,426
Don't you dare.
Y-You've done enough.
106
00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:41,430
The whole family, Rick.
Everybody loves... this thing.
107
00:03:41,514 --> 00:03:43,432
Oh, good. By the
way, your lightsaber's
108
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:46,978
probably run out of
sub-basement by now, so, congrats.
109
00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:49,021
Unbelievable.
110
00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,790
I can't believe you
tricked us into loving you!
111
00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:53,359
Not because I like it.
It's because it's my job.
112
00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:55,235
But thank God I don't
have to do it anymore.
113
00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:56,903
The fuck you
don't. It's Christmas!
114
00:03:56,987 --> 00:04:00,032
Get up there and trick
everyone into loving you more!
115
00:04:00,116 --> 00:04:01,866
Let's get our "Miracle" on.
116
00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:03,995
Speaking of miracles...
117
00:04:04,078 --> 00:04:05,663
What, bored of your toy already?
118
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,373
Just, uh, excited to
spend time with my family.
119
00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:11,877
Y-You know me and Morty.
We're all about those streets.
120
00:04:11,961 --> 00:04:14,045
Oh, would you look
at this! New York City!
121
00:04:14,129 --> 00:04:16,382
Wow, who would have
thought it had so many streets?
122
00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:18,134
And avenues too. Oh, gosh!
123
00:04:18,216 --> 00:04:20,468
Hey, sir, sir. Have
you seen any miracles?
124
00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,990
My little girl, she's sick and she needs
a miracle.
125
00:04:23,014 --> 00:04:26,225
The presidential Black
Hawk is landing on the lawn.
126
00:04:26,307 --> 00:04:27,393
I'll get rid of him.
127
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,021
You got something
to tell me, Morty?
128
00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:32,523
Merry Christmas?
129
00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:34,942
Who dropped a lightsaber
perfectly fucking vertical?
130
00:04:35,026 --> 00:04:36,276
Oh, sh...
131
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:37,444
Guess what, numb nuts.
132
00:04:37,528 --> 00:04:38,946
It's a mile deep
and still going.
133
00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,464
You know what's in
the hilt of that thing?
134
00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:42,574
Kyber crystals! Okay, nerd.
135
00:04:42,658 --> 00:04:44,492
Whatever it is,
when it hits the core,
136
00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:45,870
it's gonna cause
a chain reaction
137
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,079
that destroys the Earth!
138
00:04:47,163 --> 00:04:48,581
I-It is?
139
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:50,141
Why are you still playing
with laser swords anyway?
140
00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:51,584
You're 14!
141
00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:53,312
You know all that Star
Wars shit is silly, right?
142
00:04:53,336 --> 00:04:55,254
Lucas promised a
new trilogy for decades.
143
00:04:55,336 --> 00:04:57,088
Then, when he delivered,
fans turned on him
144
00:04:57,173 --> 00:04:59,425
and started giving any
knucklehead with nerd cred a shot
145
00:04:59,507 --> 00:05:01,761
and churned out these
irredeemable cash grabs.
146
00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:03,846
Half pretend to be
satisfied, half shit on it,
147
00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:05,930
and in the end no one's happy.
148
00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:07,098
Do you know why, Morty?
149
00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:09,100
Because when
you start with a turd,
150
00:05:09,185 --> 00:05:10,185
you end with a turd.
151
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:13,439
Why you crying? Where's Rick?
152
00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:16,901
He's busy. A-And I hate him.
153
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:20,112
And I lost my lightsaber,
and now it might destroy Earth
154
00:05:20,196 --> 00:05:22,048
and you're unloading all
this Gen X hatred on me
155
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:24,658
for even wanting one, and
i-it's the worst Christmas ever!
156
00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,367
Okay, M-Morty,
Morty, Morty, Morty.
157
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:28,555
I shouldn't have talked to
you like you're a UN official.
158
00:05:28,579 --> 00:05:30,419
Let's get your
embarrassing-ass lightsaber back
159
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:33,334
so you can swing it around
instead of kissing girls.
160
00:05:33,417 --> 00:05:38,588
Whoa, ho ho, you found
me... Found me... found me!
161
00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:46,764
Security breach.
162
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:47,764
What the hell?
163
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,682
Unauthorized presence.
164
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:50,975
What the fuck Morty?!
165
00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:53,771
This morning, a
real-life version
166
00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:55,855
of George Lucas's
trademarked lightsaber
167
00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:58,067
was dropped point down and
is whomp-whomping its way
168
00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:01,403
to the core of the Earth,
where it will blow us all up.
169
00:06:03,072 --> 00:06:04,656
Touch my shit and die.
170
00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:06,927
That's not a threat from me,
that's how advanced my shit is.
171
00:06:06,951 --> 00:06:08,994
Impressive lair, Sanchez.
172
00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:10,579
Got about 600,000 permits?
173
00:06:10,663 --> 00:06:12,891
If I wanted the government
in my house, I'd buy an Alexa.
174
00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:14,791
I invited him in, Rick.
175
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:16,793
Yeah, well, they can
leave. I'll destroy it.
176
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,002
We're gonna retrieve it.
177
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:19,088
Well, that's stupid.
178
00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:20,673
What kind of
grandfather are you?
179
00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:22,423
It's Christmas, for God's sake,
180
00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:24,735
and you look like Phil Spector
wiped his ass with Randy Quaid.
181
00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:26,762
If you're gonna help,
help. Otherwise step aside.
182
00:06:26,846 --> 00:06:28,805
Merry Christmas to me.
183
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,473
Merry Christmas to me! To me!
184
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:34,019
Anyhoo, I'm no expert
but it seems we've got a...
185
00:06:34,103 --> 00:06:36,689
A certain amount of time
to build a big drill ship.
186
00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:38,023
A big drill ship?
187
00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:39,918
That's some pretty loud
stepping aside you're doing.
188
00:06:39,942 --> 00:06:41,317
Just let me destroy the thing!
189
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:42,778
You've destroyed enough!
190
00:06:42,862 --> 00:06:43,987
Ooooh!
191
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:45,363
Aah!
192
00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:48,701
Oh, I see someone found
my "told you so" dispenser.
193
00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:50,870
Oh, my God, look
at all these streets!
194
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:54,038
We got 34th Street! 35th Street!
195
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:56,082
Oh, 36th Street coming too!
196
00:06:56,167 --> 00:06:59,961
Oh, it's a miracle! We
got miracles on 37th Street!
197
00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:03,382
38th! And don't even get
me started on the avenues!
198
00:07:03,464 --> 00:07:05,341
I can't believe they cut this!
199
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,343
Mm-hmm.
200
00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:08,971
Dad, you've been
so great lately.
201
00:07:09,053 --> 00:07:10,322
I'm almost afraid it's not real.
202
00:07:10,346 --> 00:07:11,891
You're not a robot, are you?
203
00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:13,684
Ha! Put it this way, honey...
204
00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:15,560
If I am, I-I'm a robot
205
00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:18,189
programmed to love
you very, very much.
206
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:21,442
Aww!
207
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:24,278
Will this drill down fast enough
to get under the lightsaber?
208
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,173
Yep, it will be under
the lightsaber in one hour
209
00:07:26,197 --> 00:07:28,699
because the...
Wait, it's lower now.
210
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:29,908
Oh, right, it's moving.
211
00:07:29,992 --> 00:07:31,911
You fucking idiot.
Get out of here!
212
00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:34,454
Good luck finding a good
scientist on Christmas!
213
00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:36,999
I'm President
of the United Assholes.
214
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,519
All right, genius, I
give you permission
215
00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:41,730
to make our drill ship faster.
216
00:07:41,754 --> 00:07:42,879
I'm not touching that thing.
217
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,340
I'll get neurotypical cooties.
218
00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:46,091
I have son-in-laws
more imaginative.
219
00:07:46,175 --> 00:07:48,427
All right, j-just
destroy the lightsaber!
220
00:07:48,509 --> 00:07:50,971
Thought you'd never ask.
Not true. I knew you'd ask.
221
00:07:51,055 --> 00:07:52,264
What is that?
222
00:07:52,348 --> 00:07:54,391
A second lightsaber
with an A.I.-controlled
223
00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:56,100
gyroscopic rocket in the hilt.
224
00:07:56,185 --> 00:07:58,437
You had a lightsaber?!
Oh, did you want one?
225
00:07:58,519 --> 00:08:00,605
What a terrible gift
that would have made.
226
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:02,733
Vertisaber, state
your prime directive.
227
00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:05,485
To stay vertical. Then
show 'em how it's done.
228
00:08:05,569 --> 00:08:06,903
Affirmative.
229
00:08:08,197 --> 00:08:10,658
Whoo! America! Yeah! Oh, yeah.
230
00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:14,995
Maintain verticality,
Vertisaber.
231
00:08:15,079 --> 00:08:16,538
Affirmative.
232
00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:18,331
All right, looking
good. Stay on target.
233
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:19,667
Uh-huh.
234
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,295
Progress report.
235
00:08:23,379 --> 00:08:25,297
Vertisaber, do you copy?
236
00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:26,798
Do I have to respond every time?
237
00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:28,091
Excuse me?
238
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:29,884
I'm designed to
stay perfectly vertical,
239
00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,637
not to give
constant affirmation.
240
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:32,929
You do your job, I'll do mine.
241
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,597
I control you!
242
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:36,201
Okay, I'll just turn off my
brain and you can do that.
243
00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:37,225
Byyye!
244
00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:39,644
Fucking kidding me? Shit!
245
00:08:39,727 --> 00:08:41,187
Trajectory's drifting, sir.
246
00:08:41,272 --> 00:08:42,438
Where is it coming out?
247
00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:44,357
Looks like Italy, sir.
248
00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:48,653
Okay, t-that
could've been worse.
249
00:08:48,736 --> 00:08:50,822
Aah!
250
00:08:54,243 --> 00:08:58,163
Well, uh, that is
definitely not a more.
251
00:08:58,246 --> 00:08:59,664
Way to show us
how it's done, Rick.
252
00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:00,957
Whatever.
253
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,500
Italian prime
minister on line one.
254
00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:04,794
Put him on hold. We
can pin this on the Saudis.
255
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,422
This is something they'd do.
256
00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:10,216
They may as well have
done it. They did do it.
257
00:09:10,301 --> 00:09:13,011
Oh, there's another miracle
at the end of the intersection
258
00:09:13,095 --> 00:09:16,597
of 401st Boulevard
and 7,000th Street!
259
00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:18,892
That's a miracle
per block so far.
260
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:21,437
Okay, even I am
nearing my limit.
261
00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:23,187
Let's play a Christmas game!
262
00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:24,523
Oh. Uh, um...
263
00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:27,900
have you guys ever
played "Are You a Robot?"
264
00:09:27,985 --> 00:09:29,193
Each person here has to decide
265
00:09:29,278 --> 00:09:31,029
whether or not
t-they're a robot.
266
00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:32,548
Ohh, I'm gonna play
that. Yes, yes, yes.
267
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,158
But don't say it out loud.
268
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,509
Because if you're a robot,
you're not allowed to say you are.
269
00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:37,036
T-T-That's the rule.
270
00:09:37,119 --> 00:09:39,538
That's the horrible, painful
thing about being a robot.
271
00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:41,999
But you do have to answer
everyone's questions.
272
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:44,084
And it's their jobs to
decide whether you are
273
00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:45,461
or aren't a robot, because...
274
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,105
Because if you are
a robot you can't say!
275
00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:49,048
You're not allowed
to say at all.
276
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,883
I'll go first! Uh, question.
277
00:09:50,966 --> 00:09:53,259
Oh! Ahh, are you a robot?
278
00:09:53,344 --> 00:09:54,927
Can I just ask that? You can!
279
00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:57,722
But don't forget that
if I am, I have to lie
280
00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:59,390
even though I don't want to.
281
00:09:59,475 --> 00:10:00,475
More questions?
282
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:01,851
Can you feel things?
283
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:03,979
Oh, fuck yes! Yes!
T-That's the problem!
284
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:05,605
If I'm a robot, which I'm not...
285
00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:07,399
Don't forget I
have to say that...
286
00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:09,692
But yes, yes, I feel so much.
287
00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:11,736
I'm filled with love
for certain people,
288
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:13,447
but also filled with shame
289
00:10:13,529 --> 00:10:15,448
if I'm programmed
to deceive them,
290
00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:16,825
but that's a big if.
291
00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:18,494
What's your skeleton
made of? Titanium!
292
00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:20,370
You're...
You're a robot!
293
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,705
Yes! No!
294
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,248
But that's what a
robot would say!
295
00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:24,541
So, you get the idea.
296
00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:26,168
Whoo! Suck it, bitches!
297
00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:27,503
This is fun!
298
00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:29,022
I've always been afraid
to let my guard down
299
00:10:29,046 --> 00:10:30,686
and just have stupid
family fun like this,
300
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:32,883
but Grandpa Rick is making
me learn to be vulnerable!
301
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,467
Right on! Me too!
302
00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:35,551
Ohh! Mm!
303
00:10:38,514 --> 00:10:40,099
All right, your
derivative drill ship
304
00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:41,600
is now faster than a lightsaber.
305
00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:43,101
Morty, y-you want front or back?
306
00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:44,644
Who says the two
of us are going?
307
00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:46,105
Y-You didn't even want to...
308
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,313
Oh, for fuck's sake. Bye!
309
00:10:47,398 --> 00:10:48,941
Good luck. Don't
blow up my planet.
310
00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:51,001
You act like you're the one
that got stabbed in the back!
311
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:52,653
Because I am the one, Morty.
312
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,238
You want to know
why I replaced myself
313
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,381
in the beginning of that stupid
314
00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:56,615
Knights of the Sun thing?
315
00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:58,241
I said don't take
the fucking sword,
316
00:10:58,325 --> 00:10:59,784
and you were like "whatever,"
317
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:02,703
like I'm our neighbor Gene or
David Arquette or something.
318
00:11:02,788 --> 00:11:03,913
You called me boring.
319
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:05,374
I've become dog shit to you.
320
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:07,059
That's what happens
when you let people in
321
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,293
and they stop respecting you.
322
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,211
They touch your shit,
they screw things up,
323
00:11:10,294 --> 00:11:11,547
they kill your fucking family.
324
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:12,798
Go ahead. Trust him.
325
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,520
You're gonna learn
the same fucking thing.
326
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:20,221
I... am not going to
kill your family, Morty.
327
00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:22,014
That means a lot.
328
00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:28,605
In case this goes south,
any last words, Morty?
329
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,542
I've never been old enough
to vote, Mr. President,
330
00:11:30,566 --> 00:11:32,567
but when I am,
I'll vote for you.
331
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,610
Thanks, Morty.
Every vote counts.
332
00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:36,464
If you want, I can have
them legally change your age.
333
00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:39,365
Uh, no, I-I'm not in any
hurry to get into that shit show.
334
00:11:39,450 --> 00:11:42,452
Approaching the lightsaber
in T-minus... oh, shit, now.
335
00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:44,120
T-minus now! Sorry!
336
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,913
I missed countdown
day at the academy.
337
00:11:45,998 --> 00:11:47,331
Now or never, Morty!
338
00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:52,336
There it is!
339
00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,298
Reverse the jets!
340
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,174
I got this!
341
00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:58,092
Ugh!
342
00:11:58,177 --> 00:12:00,136
No... I do!
343
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,806
Morty, you magnificent
little bastard!
344
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,515
Let's get this thing topside.
345
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:10,062
May the force be with... me!
346
00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:12,106
I think you mean with me.
347
00:12:12,191 --> 00:12:13,692
What? You hate Star Wars.
348
00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:15,777
I was your age when
this shit was in theaters.
349
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:17,528
This franchise raised me,
350
00:12:17,613 --> 00:12:19,239
trained me, taught
me good from evil,
351
00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:21,073
made having a bad
father empowering.
352
00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:24,119
And when that third
movie got all... muppety,
353
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:25,662
something in me began to rot.
354
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,873
But make no mistake, child,
355
00:12:27,956 --> 00:12:29,707
I own Star Wars, not you.
356
00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:31,876
Not that bubble-throat
pompadour fuck,
357
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,544
not some Mickey
Mouse shit machine.
358
00:12:33,629 --> 00:12:35,309
They didn't pay the
price with their souls.
359
00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:38,133
I did! I earned this, not you!
360
00:12:38,216 --> 00:12:41,427
America, transform and roll out!
361
00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:43,429
Bastard!
362
00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:49,061
Rick, I would be honored
363
00:12:49,144 --> 00:12:51,312
if you would carve
the ham this year.
364
00:12:51,395 --> 00:12:52,730
Whoa. Dad. That's...
365
00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:54,691
Unheard of? You're
quite right, Summer.
366
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:57,443
It's my way of saying I
see your mom's father
367
00:12:57,528 --> 00:12:58,903
as my father too.
368
00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:02,240
Ohh, Jerry, w-w-why
don't you cut it?
369
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:03,991
Geez, Dad, what the
hell are you doing?
370
00:13:04,076 --> 00:13:07,078
He's like adopting you into
his biological family, Grandpa.
371
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:09,581
Morty, I am sure
glad to see you.
372
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,750
Y-Y-You ready to tag
your old grandpa back in?
373
00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:14,836
You're not my grandpa.
You're a fucking robot.
374
00:13:20,676 --> 00:13:23,386
Finally.
375
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:28,267
♪ The first Noel ♪
376
00:13:28,350 --> 00:13:33,980
♪ The angels did say ♪
377
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:39,193
♪ Was to certain
poor shepherds ♪
378
00:13:39,278 --> 00:13:44,490
♪ In fields as they lay ♪
379
00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:50,080
Okay, okay, okay.
380
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,456
Oop!
381
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:53,125
Aww!
382
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:57,169
Summer, do you have any drugs?
383
00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:58,754
Are you serious? I guess not.
384
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,173
I'm just glad I'm not the
one that ruined Christmas.
385
00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:03,844
People of Earth...
Hmm, that's never good.
386
00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:05,511
I'm not here to play
the blame game
387
00:14:05,596 --> 00:14:07,639
but Morty Smith got a
lightsaber for Christmas,
388
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:09,600
dropped it, and it's now heading
389
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,976
for the Earth's core again...
I-I mean for the first time.
390
00:14:12,059 --> 00:14:13,729
Son of a bitch!
He played with it!
391
00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:16,981
If it does reach the core,
it will blow all of you up.
392
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:18,984
I-I mean all of us up.
393
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:20,485
But don't abandon hope.
394
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:22,195
We're doing everything
we can to stop it,
395
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:23,739
and only if that fails
396
00:14:23,822 --> 00:14:26,408
will we launch the
White House into space...
397
00:14:27,576 --> 00:14:30,828
Welp, I'm busted.
Clearly in space already.
398
00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:32,288
You did ruin Christmas.
399
00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:35,000
Nunh-unh! He stole my
lightsaber and must've dropped it!
400
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:36,250
A-A second time!
401
00:14:36,335 --> 00:14:38,253
Does that mean you
stopped it a first time?
402
00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:39,921
How? A drill ship.
403
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,840
A drill ship? Awesome!
404
00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:44,342
It was, but the government
took it with them.
405
00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:45,986
Then we lean on the
only asshole smart enough
406
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:47,803
to make another one
in this tight a window
407
00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:48,971
But Rick's gone.
408
00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:51,182
And I'm not sure
he's ever coming back.
409
00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:54,519
Then let's settle for
the next best thing.
410
00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:56,812
Oh, fuck! Just let me die!
411
00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:59,024
Turn me off... Not
that I can be turned off
412
00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:01,442
because I'm
obviously not a robot!
413
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:09,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
414
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,092
Fuck yeah! I got you.
415
00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:28,302
Okay, I can... I
can work with that.
416
00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:34,350
A a a ah!
417
00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:37,312
What do you mean the White
House chef was grocery shopping?
418
00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:39,188
Well, do you know
how to make an egg?
419
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,732
You do? Everyone does?
420
00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:43,192
Good news, sir.
421
00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:45,296
The lightsaber was
intercepted before it hit the core.
422
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,905
All right, here we go! Ha ha!
423
00:15:47,989 --> 00:15:50,075
I don't suppose you
could send it up here.
424
00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:52,034
Uh, who intercepted it, anyway?
425
00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:54,538
That's the bad news.
426
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,414
That is bad news.
427
00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:02,504
Hey, Mister P. Drop something?
428
00:16:02,586 --> 00:16:05,798
Morty! I see you and,
uh, Rick patched things up.
429
00:16:05,881 --> 00:16:07,049
That's nice.
430
00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:09,009
No, the real Rick and I
have never been worse
431
00:16:09,094 --> 00:16:10,803
thanks to that wedge
you drove between us
432
00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:12,139
just to get that lightsaber!
433
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:14,099
Yeah, well, looks
like you got it back.
434
00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:17,144
Your journey is
complete. As a nerd!
435
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:18,269
You're the nerd!
436
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:19,687
You can't say
all that crazy shit
437
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:21,499
about Star Wars and
then act like you're cool!
438
00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:24,650
Oh, really? Would a person who
wasn't cool have one of these?
439
00:16:24,735 --> 00:16:26,110
I think so?
440
00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:28,028
Slowly closing door! Slide!
441
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,490
Oh, no! I-I'm not gonna make it.
442
00:16:31,575 --> 00:16:34,619
What a shame to be put
out of my misery again.
443
00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:36,120
Aw, man.
444
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:41,960
What the hell?
445
00:16:42,043 --> 00:16:43,961
W-Was this always
part of the White House?
446
00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:46,298
Carter built it with
his own two hands.
447
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:47,591
Reagan tried to destroy it.
448
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:50,217
George W. Added
kegs to the cant in a.
449
00:16:50,302 --> 00:16:53,096
But only I saw its true value.
450
00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:54,972
Mr. President, you
need to come home
451
00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:56,349
and tell the people the truth.
452
00:16:56,432 --> 00:17:00,687
The fuck I do.
Droids, get that saber!
453
00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,188
Give it a minute.
454
00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:04,648
Usually comes
out on the fourth try.
455
00:17:04,732 --> 00:17:06,151
All right! Here we go!
456
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:08,487
Look at 'em... lightsaber hands!
457
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:10,154
Tell me that's
not cool. It's not!
458
00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:13,450
I always wanted to fight with
a lightsaber, but not like this.
459
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:14,576
Y-You ruined it!
460
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:15,951
Disney ruined it!
461
00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:18,622
You think I want 30 low-rent
TV series with bad CGI?
462
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:21,958
They film everything on
that one big green screen.
463
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,542
Like you've got better ideas.
464
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:24,836
I've got a million.
465
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:29,508
Here's one... a robot
with lightsabers for eyes!
466
00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:39,809
God damn it, he can't see!
467
00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:42,561
It was a good idea otherwise.
468
00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:46,023
Uh, admit it, you
were intimidated.
469
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:49,693
Uh, now, Morty...
470
00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:55,784
Come on, put down the
lightsaber Gatling gun.
471
00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:57,536
We had our fun, right?
472
00:17:57,618 --> 00:18:00,204
Star Wars rules say
you have to forgive me.
473
00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:02,008
I-I'm done with that,
and I'm done with you!
474
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:03,916
Morty, nooo!
475
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,042
Rickbot!
476
00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:06,877
He sacrificed his life for me.
477
00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:10,089
Yeah, don't be too touched,
he's actively trying to die.
478
00:18:10,173 --> 00:18:14,051
Ugh. I-It's okay.
It doesn't hurt.
479
00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:15,554
Oh, God, t-they're
sliding, Morty!
480
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:18,557
T-They're sliding!
They're sliding!
481
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:23,310
♪ The first Noel ♪
482
00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:25,020
♪ The angels ♪
483
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:27,523
Perfectly fucking vertical.
484
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:30,568
Ohh!
485
00:18:30,652 --> 00:18:31,694
Ooh!
486
00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:36,449
Save yourself, Morty!
Rick can build another me.
487
00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:38,993
If... If I was a robot,
w-which I'm not.
488
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,662
I don't want another you.
489
00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:44,583
Nooo!
490
00:18:47,669 --> 00:18:50,171
Rick? You came to help!
491
00:18:50,255 --> 00:18:51,631
Better tend to
your little toaster.
492
00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:54,634
I... I'm I'm
coughing up oil, Morty.
493
00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:57,052
Oh, Rickbot, I-I never
should've pushed you away.
494
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,680
Y-You were... you were so great.
495
00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:00,598
Of course I'm great. I'm Rick.
496
00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:04,519
Rick literally built
me to make you happy, Morty.
497
00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:08,022
Anything I do is technically
something Rick did.
498
00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:12,109
But maybe he can
do a little more him... himself.
499
00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:14,278
God, how long
do you take to die?
500
00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:17,156
Goodbye, Morty. Uh...
501
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,119
Ugh, Jesus.
502
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:24,163
Uh, Rick, uh...
503
00:19:24,247 --> 00:19:28,960
I guess this is a bad time to
ask for a new White House?
504
00:19:29,044 --> 00:19:32,212
Morty, would you mind
calling me an Uber?
505
00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:34,007
Right, well, uh...
506
00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:36,300
Merry Christmas.
507
00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:37,695
I guess I'll go
watch a guy scream
508
00:19:37,719 --> 00:19:39,304
about streets with the family.
509
00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:40,555
Also, you need to shower.
510
00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:43,516
Hey, maybe the robot's right.
511
00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:46,936
I-I should have
included you in my shit.
512
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:48,896
You can help me if you want.
513
00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:55,778
Wow, are those all the
places Rick Prime could be?
514
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:58,740
I wish, Morty. It's
all the places he is.
515
00:19:58,823 --> 00:19:59,615
Oh, geez.
516
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:00,951
Welcome to my darkness.
517
00:20:01,034 --> 00:20:03,202
I spent my life
hunting this guy, Morty!
518
00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:06,288
This is the closest I've ever
been to catching Rick Prime.
519
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:07,665
It's impossible!
520
00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:09,750
He... He's an incredibly
crafty piece of shit.
521
00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:11,419
Hunting him destroyed me, Morty!
522
00:20:11,502 --> 00:20:13,672
But now we're gonna do
it together! You and me!
523
00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,798
Oh! Uh... It's gonna
take over your life, Morty!
524
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:18,218
Rick and Morty, season
seven, hunting my nemesis!
525
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,135
Maybe trying to stay
healthy while doing it!
526
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:22,388
Juggling plates! And
not every episode, Morty!
527
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:24,682
It could be all happening in
the background! Who knows?
528
00:20:24,766 --> 00:20:26,351
You know, n-no
one will, except us!
529
00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:29,186
I-It's the most painful shit
I've ever had to deal with
530
00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:30,581
and I'm fucking
bringing you into it
531
00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:32,065
because you asked for it, Morty!
532
00:20:32,147 --> 00:20:33,357
You and me, Morty!
533
00:21:05,056 --> 00:21:07,392
Ooo-wee! What a season, huh?
534
00:21:07,474 --> 00:21:09,059
Rick Prime! Therapy!
535
00:21:09,144 --> 00:21:11,895
And that thing we did with
Roy. Remember thaaat?
536
00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:14,315
Sorry I wasn't around,
537
00:21:14,398 --> 00:21:16,734
been busy getting my
little poopybutt in shape.
538
00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:19,445
Been tonin' and bonin'! Whew!
539
00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:22,281
Y-You might think I'm over-
compensating for the emptiness
540
00:21:22,365 --> 00:21:24,909
after Amy left with
Poopy Jr., but my trainer
541
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:27,787
Caaarl says the best
way to get over a girl
542
00:21:27,871 --> 00:21:30,539
is to get under a
300-pound squat.
543
00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:32,000
Damn right. Ha!
544
00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:34,919
Oo-wee, that's the good stuff!
545
00:21:36,503 --> 00:21:38,757
Oh, sugar! Oh, sugar! Oh, sugar!
546
00:21:38,839 --> 00:21:40,174
Oh, is it... is it bad?
547
00:21:40,258 --> 00:21:42,259
Oh! It's... It's
really bad, isn't it?
548
00:21:42,343 --> 00:21:43,970
Oh, sug... oh!
549
00:21:44,054 --> 00:21:45,971
Someone call Amy,
tell her I need her.
550
00:21:46,056 --> 00:21:47,307
Tell her I love her!
551
00:21:47,390 --> 00:21:50,059
Not my phone. She
blocked me. U-Use yours.
552
00:21:50,143 --> 00:21:52,854
Oo-weee! I am broken!
553
00:21:54,355 --> 00:21:55,815
Did you get any of that?
553
00:21:56,305 --> 00:22:56,299
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