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00:00:01,451 --> 00:00:04,987
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,072 --> 00:00:08,147
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,232 --> 00:00:11,913
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,998 --> 00:00:14,474
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,558 --> 00:00:18,169
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:21,488
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,582 --> 00:00:23,174
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,325 --> 00:00:25,594
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:25,678 --> 00:00:30,389
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪
10
00:00:34,521 --> 00:00:37,354
We now return
to Lassie, starring Vin Diesel.
11
00:00:37,873 --> 00:00:39,097
What is it, Lassie?
12
00:00:41,495 --> 00:00:43,387
There's a fire down
at the old church?
13
00:00:45,423 --> 00:00:47,865
And The Rock won't return
your texts or phone calls?
14
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,976
He totally blew you off
backstage
15
00:00:52,061 --> 00:00:53,312
at the Kids' Choice Awards?
16
00:00:53,443 --> 00:00:55,185
Was he hosting
or just presenting?
17
00:00:55,357 --> 00:00:57,541
Oh, well, that's why.
18
00:00:57,794 --> 00:01:01,646
Hey, fellas, three more beers
and a Johnnie Wheeler?
19
00:01:03,382 --> 00:01:04,541
Yep.
20
00:01:04,625 --> 00:01:07,292
Man, I love drinking
on a Saturday morning.
21
00:01:07,445 --> 00:01:09,962
Thank God I figured out
how to sneak out of my house.
22
00:01:10,114 --> 00:01:11,473
Has anyone seen your father?
23
00:01:11,557 --> 00:01:13,550
I swear he was just here
a minute ago.
24
00:01:17,788 --> 00:01:19,556
- Hi, Dad.
- I'm a waffle.
25
00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,565
Peter, you're not going
to The Clam, are you?
26
00:01:21,717 --> 00:01:22,651
Waffle!
27
00:01:22,735 --> 00:01:24,235
Now prepare yourselves
28
00:01:24,386 --> 00:01:26,897
'cause the sun is never brighter
than when you're day-drinking.
29
00:01:26,981 --> 00:01:28,824
Oh, I think I can handle...
30
00:01:28,908 --> 00:01:29,982
Aah!
31
00:01:30,150 --> 00:01:32,451
I'm sorry for reading
people's mail.
32
00:01:34,305 --> 00:01:36,665
Look, one of them scooters
you see everywhere
33
00:01:36,749 --> 00:01:38,231
what runs by a app.
34
00:01:38,325 --> 00:01:43,123
Boy, if this is what we get,
imagine what the military has.
35
00:01:43,221 --> 00:01:44,304
What?
36
00:01:44,389 --> 00:01:45,923
It's a perfectly
reasonable comment.
37
00:01:46,074 --> 00:01:49,167
You know, the military had
the Internet way before we did.
38
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,004
GPS, drones, you name it.
Look around, guys.
39
00:01:52,156 --> 00:01:54,683
It's an amazing time
to be alive.
40
00:01:56,918 --> 00:01:59,937
♪ Wonders ♪
41
00:02:00,088 --> 00:02:04,666
♪ We're surrounded by wonders ♪
42
00:02:05,594 --> 00:02:11,097
♪ That phone in your pocket
could power a rocket ♪
43
00:02:11,191 --> 00:02:16,528
♪ But what does
the military have? ♪
44
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,274
Joe's song made me
kind of want to try it.
45
00:02:19,453 --> 00:02:22,083
All right, now to scan
this simple code
46
00:02:22,168 --> 00:02:24,937
like every
middle-aged white guy.
47
00:02:25,022 --> 00:02:29,275
It's not... I can't...
I'm doing exactly what it said.
48
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,694
I-I...
Do I take a picture, or...?
49
00:02:31,788 --> 00:02:34,374
Is there an actual person
I can talk to?
50
00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:35,766
'Cause it's not working.
51
00:02:35,850 --> 00:02:37,543
Oh, okay. No, wait,
now it's doing something.
52
00:02:37,627 --> 00:02:40,462
- Computers, am I right?
- No, you're not.
53
00:02:42,207 --> 00:02:44,632
- "Push off."
- You're choking me.
54
00:02:46,361 --> 00:02:51,372
♪ Holiday road ♪
55
00:02:51,457 --> 00:02:55,768
♪ Holiday road ♪
56
00:02:56,554 --> 00:03:00,307
♪ Holiday road. ♪
57
00:03:00,391 --> 00:03:02,500
Peter, where are we going?
58
00:03:02,585 --> 00:03:04,404
Relax.
It's our nation's capital.
59
00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:05,561
I'm just a fan of history.
60
00:03:05,714 --> 00:03:08,156
Peter, what are you up to?
61
00:03:08,383 --> 00:03:10,399
What? I just love
our government.
62
00:03:10,552 --> 00:03:12,410
Or at least I used to.
63
00:03:15,056 --> 00:03:16,331
Hey, Cleveland, wake up.
64
00:03:16,482 --> 00:03:17,907
No, don't wake him.
Don't wake him.
65
00:03:18,059 --> 00:03:19,575
I don't think he wants
to be reminded.
66
00:03:24,582 --> 00:03:27,008
All those in favor
of a giant key ring
67
00:03:27,235 --> 00:03:29,670
for our jail cell, say "aye."
68
00:03:29,754 --> 00:03:31,904
Mayor West, four citizens
have gone missing.
69
00:03:31,998 --> 00:03:34,407
They were last seen heading
south on a Bird scooter.
70
00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:36,259
Saddle my horse.
71
00:03:40,006 --> 00:03:43,358
As mayor, I reckon it's my duty
to round up the strays
72
00:03:43,509 --> 00:03:45,026
and bring 'em back to safety.
73
00:03:45,177 --> 00:03:47,529
He-yaw!
74
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,940
Oops, sorry. They-yaw!
75
00:03:51,034 --> 00:03:52,775
Thank you.
76
00:03:52,944 --> 00:03:57,957
♪ Holiday road ♪
77
00:03:58,041 --> 00:04:01,934
♪ Holiday road. ♪
78
00:04:02,069 --> 00:04:03,786
All right, I've been driving
for 18 hours.
79
00:04:03,938 --> 00:04:05,454
Someone else take the wheel...
Aah!
80
00:04:05,549 --> 00:04:07,549
Loose opioid!
81
00:04:12,145 --> 00:04:14,443
Oh, crap. A alligator.
82
00:04:16,052 --> 00:04:19,209
Oh, hey. Would you consider
not eating us?
83
00:04:19,304 --> 00:04:21,463
Uh... yeah. Maybe.
84
00:04:21,547 --> 00:04:24,484
- Oh, thank God.
- I think "maybe" means "no."
85
00:04:24,568 --> 00:04:27,061
He's just being polite.
He's gonna eat us.
86
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:35,828
Well, look at that,
87
00:04:35,912 --> 00:04:39,165
six summers at Lasso Camp
finally paid off.
88
00:04:39,249 --> 00:04:40,990
That's where you learned
to use the ropes?
89
00:04:41,142 --> 00:04:43,326
No, it was Ted Lasso Camp.
90
00:04:43,478 --> 00:04:45,420
That's where I learned
to be nice funny.
91
00:04:45,647 --> 00:04:48,415
Sometimes comedy is
building people up.
92
00:04:48,499 --> 00:04:51,000
I know, I know.
It's hard to change.
93
00:04:57,842 --> 00:05:01,428
Yep, we're back from space,
everyone. We did it.
94
00:05:01,512 --> 00:05:03,672
They know you weren't
in space, Peter.
95
00:05:03,756 --> 00:05:06,256
There are social media posts
of you crying
96
00:05:06,351 --> 00:05:08,167
'cause you couldn't
stop a scooter.
97
00:05:08,260 --> 00:05:09,611
But we're still glad
you're home.
98
00:05:10,596 --> 00:05:14,098
Boy, Mayor West is a hero,
always saving the day.
99
00:05:14,192 --> 00:05:15,766
One day, I want to be mayor.
100
00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:17,611
Well, Stewie,
it's a noble aspiration.
101
00:05:17,695 --> 00:05:19,770
A good start would be
learning about politics
102
00:05:19,864 --> 00:05:22,365
- and getting involved at school.
- Eh, I suppose so.
103
00:05:22,459 --> 00:05:25,201
A vote for Doug
is a vote for progress.
104
00:05:25,295 --> 00:05:27,203
Oh, hey, Stewie.
105
00:05:27,297 --> 00:05:30,039
I had no idea I'd run
into the town square
106
00:05:30,133 --> 00:05:31,551
in the Town Square.
107
00:05:31,635 --> 00:05:33,951
Are you gonna go down
the hot metal slide
108
00:05:34,045 --> 00:05:35,378
in shorts again?
109
00:05:35,546 --> 00:05:39,140
Yes, Doug, I made a mistake.
That's how you learn things.
110
00:05:39,367 --> 00:05:40,642
What are those flyers for?
111
00:05:40,869 --> 00:05:43,052
I'm running for preschool
snack captain.
112
00:05:43,204 --> 00:05:44,720
Throwing my diaper
into the ring.
113
00:05:44,873 --> 00:05:46,974
All the snack captain does
is wear a paper hat
114
00:05:47,058 --> 00:05:49,317
while the teacher passes out
Goldfish crackers.
115
00:05:49,468 --> 00:05:51,312
Sure, but you know
what they say.
116
00:05:51,396 --> 00:05:54,656
"Today, snack captain,
tomorrow, mayor."
117
00:05:54,807 --> 00:05:57,383
- Mayor?
- This is just a formality.
118
00:05:57,476 --> 00:05:59,309
My opponent Noah got
foot-in-mouth disease,
119
00:05:59,404 --> 00:06:01,155
so I'm running unopposed.
120
00:06:01,239 --> 00:06:03,916
I'd really have to put
my foot in my mouth to lose.
121
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,335
Ho-ho. Is funny
because wordplay.
122
00:06:07,562 --> 00:06:10,590
Huh, I guess Fuad
still lives in Quahog.
123
00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:14,576
Brian, Stewie Griffin is now
running for snack captain.
124
00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:16,844
And I will defeat
that jerk Doug.
125
00:06:17,071 --> 00:06:20,515
Well, we got our fellas back,
and I reached my steps today.
126
00:06:20,666 --> 00:06:22,676
- What's that?
- Oh, it's a watch that tracks
127
00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,019
the number of steps
I take each day.
128
00:06:25,171 --> 00:06:26,513
Wow.
129
00:06:29,083 --> 00:06:31,526
♪ Wonders ♪
130
00:06:31,753 --> 00:06:37,283
♪ We're surrounded by wonders ♪
131
00:06:37,367 --> 00:06:39,844
♪ Look around and be amazed ♪
132
00:06:39,928 --> 00:06:45,206
♪ That pad on your lap
could buy a shirt at the Gap ♪
133
00:06:45,357 --> 00:06:49,961
♪ But what does
the military have? ♪
134
00:06:52,382 --> 00:06:54,549
He was asking
too many questions.
135
00:07:00,372 --> 00:07:01,797
All right.
Listen, Rupert.
136
00:07:01,891 --> 00:07:04,392
I'm running for snack captain,
and our lives are going to be
137
00:07:04,619 --> 00:07:07,129
under the microscope
more than they ever have before.
138
00:07:07,213 --> 00:07:10,557
So all I'm gonna say is,
I just want to applaud you again
139
00:07:10,641 --> 00:07:13,301
on your commitment to sobriety.
140
00:07:13,385 --> 00:07:15,127
What do you mean
"wine doesn't count"?
141
00:07:15,221 --> 00:07:16,645
Yes, rosé is wine.
142
00:07:16,798 --> 00:07:17,898
And I don't want
to hear the term
143
00:07:17,982 --> 00:07:20,241
"California sober"
come out of your mouth.
144
00:07:20,468 --> 00:07:21,283
Hey, Stewie.
145
00:07:21,368 --> 00:07:23,914
Brian, I want you to be
my campaign manager.
146
00:07:23,999 --> 00:07:25,516
Really?
What do I have to do?
147
00:07:25,601 --> 00:07:27,612
You'll be in charge of
setting up my war room
148
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:30,362
- and situation room and sex room.
- Sex room?
149
00:07:30,447 --> 00:07:33,125
Shh, I can't let
Mr. Dramatic over there know.
150
00:07:33,210 --> 00:07:34,886
I don't know.
This is already weird.
151
00:07:34,971 --> 00:07:36,712
Please, Brian.
I need this.
152
00:07:36,797 --> 00:07:38,715
I need this the way
a shoe salesman needs
153
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,541
that foot-measuring device.
154
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,885
I can say with absolute
scientific certainty
155
00:07:43,204 --> 00:07:44,183
that you're a 10 1/2.
156
00:07:44,267 --> 00:07:48,187
Now let me get you some shoes
that still may or may not fit.
157
00:07:53,677 --> 00:07:55,612
Hey, Stewie,
a little birdie told me
158
00:07:55,697 --> 00:07:58,957
you've thrown your hat
into the snack captain ring.
159
00:07:59,108 --> 00:08:01,017
Actually it was a tweet.
160
00:08:04,130 --> 00:08:07,632
I just want to say I hope
we can have a fair campaign
161
00:08:07,859 --> 00:08:11,469
and forget any past
tension between us.
162
00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:13,964
Consider them forgotten,
like La La Land,
163
00:08:14,048 --> 00:08:15,862
the most celebrated movie
ever made
164
00:08:15,947 --> 00:08:18,977
that suddenly no one remembers,
mentions, or cares about.
165
00:08:23,708 --> 00:08:25,650
- Oh, he nailed you.
- I'm voting for Doug.
166
00:08:25,801 --> 00:08:27,634
I'm too young to deliver a joke.
167
00:08:27,729 --> 00:08:29,562
Well, looks like
the gloves are off.
168
00:08:29,714 --> 00:08:31,714
But I've taken on
bigger challenges.
169
00:08:31,807 --> 00:08:33,992
Like playing a game
of Paul Simon Says.
170
00:08:34,219 --> 00:08:36,219
Paul Simon says
Art Garfunkel is a loser.
171
00:08:36,312 --> 00:08:39,081
Oh, come on, Paul.
It's been 40 years. Let it go.
172
00:08:39,165 --> 00:08:40,814
Paul Simon says
I wrote all the songs.
173
00:08:40,908 --> 00:08:43,026
We know that.
No one is denying you credit.
174
00:08:43,110 --> 00:08:45,496
Paul Simon says five-two is the
cutoff for being really short,
175
00:08:45,580 --> 00:08:47,757
- not five-three.
- You know what? I'm bored.
176
00:08:47,841 --> 00:08:49,565
I'm gonna play
Simon Cowell Says.
177
00:08:49,658 --> 00:08:53,011
Simon Cowell says
men should wear low V-necks
178
00:08:53,238 --> 00:08:57,015
- and have breasts.
- Thank you for One Direction.
179
00:09:04,599 --> 00:09:08,835
Stewie, our polls show that your
classmates see you as aloof.
180
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:11,188
We need a photo op
of you kissing a baby.
181
00:09:11,272 --> 00:09:12,605
All right, well,
make it a BOC.
182
00:09:12,699 --> 00:09:15,107
- A what?
- A baby of color.
183
00:09:15,201 --> 00:09:16,592
Stewie, what's going on?
184
00:09:16,685 --> 00:09:17,861
I thought I was
your campaign manager.
185
00:09:17,945 --> 00:09:20,521
I want you and Chris
to compete for my favor.
186
00:09:20,615 --> 00:09:22,281
I will reward absolute loyalty,
187
00:09:22,433 --> 00:09:24,018
even if you have to go
to prison for it.
188
00:09:24,102 --> 00:09:26,360
- And who are all these people?
- College Republicans.
189
00:09:26,454 --> 00:09:27,787
When they're not on Barstool
190
00:09:27,955 --> 00:09:30,874
or wearing boat shoes nowhere
near a boat, they're here.
191
00:09:30,958 --> 00:09:32,550
I've also scheduled
a whistle-stop tour
192
00:09:32,777 --> 00:09:33,636
of the playground.
193
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:35,040
You need to reach
the seesaw kids,
194
00:09:35,204 --> 00:09:37,715
the slide kids, and spend time
with the jungle gym kids
195
00:09:37,799 --> 00:09:39,206
so they know
they have your support.
196
00:09:39,375 --> 00:09:40,874
Ugh, okay,
but bring the Purell.
197
00:09:40,968 --> 00:09:44,480
I'll make a speech even greater
than Jeffrey Epstein's eulogy.
198
00:09:44,564 --> 00:09:45,955
He gone!
199
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:53,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
200
00:09:55,967 --> 00:09:58,317
Stewie, this
debate is make-or-break.
201
00:09:58,469 --> 00:09:59,887
I've been working
on a strong opening.
202
00:09:59,971 --> 00:10:01,739
Take control early,
get 'em on your side,
203
00:10:01,823 --> 00:10:03,322
and it's easier to
keep them there.
204
00:10:03,416 --> 00:10:05,001
Stewie, would you like to begin?
205
00:10:05,085 --> 00:10:05,732
Thank you.
206
00:10:05,827 --> 00:10:06,918
My friends,
207
00:10:07,087 --> 00:10:09,747
this election is about
the future of snack time.
208
00:10:09,831 --> 00:10:13,424
I disagree.
This election is about you.
209
00:10:15,002 --> 00:10:17,680
Who is this guy? I love him.
210
00:10:17,764 --> 00:10:21,173
And may I call your attention
to my opponent's actions
211
00:10:21,309 --> 00:10:23,267
during the attack
on The Capitol?
212
00:10:23,419 --> 00:10:26,022
Here is Stewie
waving to supporters
213
00:10:26,106 --> 00:10:28,432
safely behind barricades.
214
00:10:28,516 --> 00:10:30,860
And here he is with Josh Hawley,
215
00:10:30,944 --> 00:10:33,903
fleeing the riot
they helped stoke.
216
00:10:42,534 --> 00:10:44,834
Wow, what a little bitch.
217
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:48,874
Uh-oh.
218
00:10:48,959 --> 00:10:50,642
Doug... are you okay?
219
00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:56,595
My God, is Doug...
pooping his pants?
220
00:10:57,469 --> 00:10:58,944
Ew!
221
00:10:59,049 --> 00:11:00,306
What a godsend.
222
00:11:00,391 --> 00:11:03,962
We'll call him Poopy-Doopy Doug.
He'll never shake it.
223
00:11:04,047 --> 00:11:05,842
He surged in the polls?
224
00:11:05,927 --> 00:11:08,428
It humanized him,
made him more relatable.
225
00:11:08,513 --> 00:11:10,364
Well, two can play at that game.
226
00:11:15,568 --> 00:11:18,854
Global events conspired
to push us off the front page.
227
00:11:21,796 --> 00:11:25,674
Chris, the election's tomorrow.
It's do-or-die time.
228
00:11:25,759 --> 00:11:28,152
What the hell?
You work for Doug now?
229
00:11:28,532 --> 00:11:31,135
I'm sorry, Stewie.
Your campaign is a sinking ship.
230
00:11:31,219 --> 00:11:33,378
I need a winner.
I'm a professional.
231
00:11:33,462 --> 00:11:36,198
You'd abandon your brother
like that?
232
00:11:36,282 --> 00:11:41,312
Sorry, but that's the way
things go on The Hill.
233
00:11:48,886 --> 00:11:51,396
What? Is that...
Is that a thing?
234
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,981
No. What you just saw
was a sizzle reel
235
00:11:54,075 --> 00:11:57,134
that cost me $75,000
of my own money.
236
00:11:57,227 --> 00:11:59,320
Friends told me
not to use my own money.
237
00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:02,500
"What do they know?"
I told myself at the time.
238
00:12:02,584 --> 00:12:05,067
The network decided
not to move forward with it.
239
00:12:05,161 --> 00:12:07,069
But they said they still love
240
00:12:07,163 --> 00:12:09,496
being in the Chris Griffin
business.
241
00:12:11,834 --> 00:12:15,513
Brian, you're a loyal dog, and
you've got a belly rub coming.
242
00:12:15,597 --> 00:12:17,245
Maybe something a little more.
243
00:12:17,340 --> 00:12:19,557
But first we've got to find
dirt on Doug.
244
00:12:21,251 --> 00:12:22,745
All right, there's
his campaign headquarters.
245
00:12:22,829 --> 00:12:25,931
You stand lookout, and I'll
sneak inside looking for dirt.
246
00:12:26,015 --> 00:12:28,025
Stay focused.
Don't lick your balls.
247
00:12:28,109 --> 00:12:31,152
God.
Wasn't gonna lick my balls.
248
00:12:44,033 --> 00:12:46,710
My God, Doug's got a file on me.
249
00:12:46,794 --> 00:12:49,454
"Stewie Griffin's Weaknesses."
250
00:12:49,538 --> 00:12:51,446
"Shapes"?
How dare he?
251
00:12:51,540 --> 00:12:54,875
And to think I let him into
my innermost rhombus of trust.
252
00:12:55,027 --> 00:12:57,470
It's hard to rectangle this
with the Doug I knew.
253
00:12:58,973 --> 00:13:01,967
Okay, the Internet is not
enjoying the shape jokes.
254
00:13:02,051 --> 00:13:04,459
Wait, what do we have here?
255
00:13:04,628 --> 00:13:06,795
Doug still uses a pacifier?
256
00:13:06,889 --> 00:13:09,023
Oh, wait till the papers
hear about this.
257
00:13:11,135 --> 00:13:14,479
Damn it, get your act together
down there, you kooks.
258
00:13:17,325 --> 00:13:20,050
And that, my fellow classmates,
is how I discovered
259
00:13:20,219 --> 00:13:22,828
that Courteney Cox
bleaches her starfish.
260
00:13:22,980 --> 00:13:24,323
Anyway, got off
on a tangent there,
261
00:13:24,407 --> 00:13:26,325
but more germane
to this election,
262
00:13:26,409 --> 00:13:30,329
I have discovered that
my opponent still uses this!
263
00:13:31,247 --> 00:13:32,331
Are you willing to vote
264
00:13:32,415 --> 00:13:35,174
for a representative
who literally sucks?
265
00:13:35,401 --> 00:13:36,734
I think not.
266
00:13:36,827 --> 00:13:38,929
Stewie Griffin
for snack captain.
267
00:13:39,013 --> 00:13:40,421
Thank you, Stewie.
268
00:13:40,573 --> 00:13:42,007
Doug, final remarks?
269
00:13:42,091 --> 00:13:43,999
Ladies and gentlemen
of the preschool,
270
00:13:44,093 --> 00:13:47,411
we all know Stewie
has a brother and a sister.
271
00:13:47,504 --> 00:13:51,765
Have you ever wondered why they
are so much older than Stewie?
272
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:52,918
Where is this going?
273
00:13:53,085 --> 00:13:55,695
Well, I have,
and I did some research.
274
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:58,105
What I found confirms
the dark secret
275
00:13:58,257 --> 00:14:00,700
that I already suspected...
276
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:03,362
Stewie Griffin
was a "whoops baby."
277
00:14:03,446 --> 00:14:05,456
What the devil
are you talking about?
278
00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:07,765
Stewie Griffin was a mistake!
279
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:10,434
- Oh, my God.
- A mistake?
280
00:14:10,527 --> 00:14:12,619
He's a big fat phony.
281
00:14:12,714 --> 00:14:14,373
Okay, I think I know
whose kid that is.
282
00:14:14,457 --> 00:14:17,699
That's impossible.
How could you know that?
283
00:14:17,793 --> 00:14:21,713
Oh, I had a very
reliable source.
284
00:14:21,797 --> 00:14:23,807
Tell me what you know.
285
00:14:23,891 --> 00:14:25,632
Stewie's a mistake.
286
00:14:25,727 --> 00:14:27,876
How do you know this?
287
00:14:27,970 --> 00:14:30,938
Because I'm his brother.
288
00:14:39,056 --> 00:14:40,147
Hey, Stewie.
What's wrong?
289
00:14:40,299 --> 00:14:41,900
In an effort
to win the election,
290
00:14:41,984 --> 00:14:43,568
Doug has stooped to
the most preposterous
291
00:14:43,652 --> 00:14:45,060
of lies and mudslinging.
292
00:14:45,154 --> 00:14:48,247
He claims I was a whoops baby.
A mistake.
293
00:14:48,398 --> 00:14:50,732
Well, if you think about it,
it, it is possible.
294
00:14:50,901 --> 00:14:52,400
No, it's not.
That's absurd.
295
00:14:52,495 --> 00:14:54,478
To be honest,
I've wondered the same thing.
296
00:14:54,571 --> 00:14:56,255
You are much younger
than Chris and Meg.
297
00:14:56,482 --> 00:14:58,907
Lois and Peter had two children
back-to-back,
298
00:14:59,001 --> 00:15:01,093
a boy and a girl,
one of each, and then stopped.
299
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,003
And those two
were already a stretch
300
00:15:03,155 --> 00:15:04,321
for Peter's meager salary.
301
00:15:04,490 --> 00:15:05,924
I mean, don't you think
it's a little odd
302
00:15:06,008 --> 00:15:08,100
that their plan would include
waiting 14 years,
303
00:15:08,252 --> 00:15:09,853
until Lois was in her 40s...
304
00:15:09,937 --> 00:15:11,845
Not exactly prime
reproductive years...
305
00:15:11,939 --> 00:15:13,439
To have their third child?
306
00:15:13,666 --> 00:15:14,940
I-I'm not saying it's true,
307
00:15:15,092 --> 00:15:17,860
but if you do the math,
it kind of makes sense.
308
00:15:19,781 --> 00:15:23,023
My God, everything
about this is terrible.
309
00:15:23,175 --> 00:15:24,443
Why do you think
Peter keeps leaving you
310
00:15:24,527 --> 00:15:25,703
on the fire station steps?
311
00:15:25,787 --> 00:15:28,028
Most things about this
are terrible.
312
00:15:28,180 --> 00:15:30,864
Come on, little guy,
time to go to the fire station.
313
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,458
Let me just fix my face.
314
00:15:34,111 --> 00:15:36,288
All right, let's go.
315
00:15:39,692 --> 00:15:41,542
I can't believe they never
bothered to tell me
316
00:15:41,694 --> 00:15:42,968
I was a mistake.
317
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:44,424
Well, I'll get my revenge
318
00:15:44,509 --> 00:15:47,111
by using the one trump card
every baby has.
319
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:49,948
I'll refuse to put on my shoes.
320
00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:52,851
Stewie, let's get your shoes on.
We're going out.
321
00:15:52,944 --> 00:15:55,881
Oh, oka... Hold still, Stewie.
322
00:15:55,965 --> 00:15:57,198
Come on, let me get
your shoes on.
323
00:15:57,282 --> 00:15:58,958
Damn it, Stewie! Stop kicking.
324
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,193
Will you just...
Will you hold still?
325
00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:03,303
Damn it. Stop kick... Stewie.
326
00:16:04,956 --> 00:16:07,975
Well, so much for going
to the Dangly Shiny Keys Show.
327
00:16:08,143 --> 00:16:10,136
Dangly Shiny Keys Show?
328
00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:12,138
What are we waiting for?
Let's go.
329
00:16:14,149 --> 00:16:15,874
What were you upset
about earlier?
330
00:16:15,967 --> 00:16:17,127
I don't know, I don't remember.
331
00:16:17,211 --> 00:16:19,227
Me neither,
but this is amazing.
332
00:16:22,247 --> 00:16:24,015
What are we doing
at this coffee shop, Stewie?
333
00:16:24,099 --> 00:16:26,869
This is Lois's favorite spot
and I hacked their system
334
00:16:26,954 --> 00:16:28,620
so they only accept Apple Pay.
335
00:16:28,847 --> 00:16:30,789
She's gonna have
no clue what to do.
336
00:16:32,184 --> 00:16:34,952
I'm sorry,
we only take Apple Pay.
337
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:37,380
Oh, what?...?
I-Is that on my computer?
338
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:39,464
Yeah, and if you don't have it,
339
00:16:39,616 --> 00:16:41,374
we're gonna have to
take the coffee back.
340
00:16:41,526 --> 00:16:43,006
You'll do no such thing.
341
00:16:43,119 --> 00:16:45,470
Shawn Mendes?!
342
00:16:45,622 --> 00:16:47,973
That's right. Wherever
a suburban mom is having trouble
343
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,808
with a phone thing,
I'll be there.
344
00:16:49,959 --> 00:16:51,560
Give me your phone.
345
00:16:52,795 --> 00:16:54,380
Here's your coffee.
346
00:16:54,464 --> 00:16:56,516
What do you
mean the menu's online?
347
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,316
I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere.
348
00:16:58,468 --> 00:17:01,319
♪ Shawn Mendes. ♪
349
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:06,399
All right, time for
a little payback.
350
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:09,828
Let's see how the fat man feels
about having a mistake baby
351
00:17:09,979 --> 00:17:11,905
when he has to listen
to that same child blast
352
00:17:11,999 --> 00:17:13,740
rebellious rock and roll.
353
00:17:13,834 --> 00:17:15,326
♪ Sugar... ♪ -
354
00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:17,911
Ha! How do you like that,
old man?
355
00:17:18,063 --> 00:17:20,090
If it's too loud,
you're too old!
356
00:17:20,174 --> 00:17:22,759
Hey, what's going on down here?
I love this song.
357
00:17:22,843 --> 00:17:25,336
No. No, you're supposed to be
mad about this.
358
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:27,079
I do have an issue
with the volume, though.
359
00:17:27,163 --> 00:17:30,007
- Oh, yeah, here we go.
- It needs to be louder.
360
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:31,267
♪ Honey... ♪
361
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:35,179
Hey, we heard The Archies,
so we brought punch.
362
00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:36,514
What? No. No.
363
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:38,523
This is supposed
to be making you furious.
364
00:17:38,675 --> 00:17:42,194
Oh, God, this music is
making me lose it.
365
00:17:42,345 --> 00:17:43,947
Should we order
two cheese pizzas?
366
00:17:44,031 --> 00:17:45,448
- Uh, yeah.
- I'm in.
367
00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:47,951
Hey, Quagmire,
Betty or Veronica?
368
00:17:48,035 --> 00:17:49,275
Both.
369
00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:51,352
- ♪ Oh, Quagmire ♪
- ♪ Oh, sugar ♪
370
00:17:52,764 --> 00:17:55,874
- ♪ Who else but Quagmire? ♪
- ♪ Oh, honey, honey. ♪
371
00:17:57,878 --> 00:18:00,603
- Hey, Stewie.
- What do you want?
372
00:18:00,697 --> 00:18:04,107
Listen, Stewie, I'm sure whoever
broke this whoops baby story
373
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:05,275
to sink your campaign
374
00:18:05,368 --> 00:18:07,761
never intended you
to take it personally.
375
00:18:09,056 --> 00:18:11,264
There's something
I think you should see.
376
00:18:15,637 --> 00:18:18,304
What? You've got a secret
weapons room?
377
00:18:18,457 --> 00:18:20,982
Not exactly.
It's a porn room.
378
00:18:22,294 --> 00:18:24,811
These are impressively
organized and cataloged.
379
00:18:24,963 --> 00:18:27,722
People in the community
like things well-labeled,
380
00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:30,057
so I developed
the Spewey Decimal System.
381
00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:31,661
I don't want to sound
like a square,
382
00:18:31,745 --> 00:18:33,070
but if you put
this level of effort
383
00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:35,154
into your schoolwork,
you could really soar.
384
00:18:35,307 --> 00:18:36,081
See that?
385
00:18:36,308 --> 00:18:38,083
That's a mint condition 1983
386
00:18:38,234 --> 00:18:40,310
Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn
sex tape.
387
00:18:40,479 --> 00:18:44,081
Never been opened.
Market value of $150K.
388
00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:45,175
Well, if it's never been opened,
389
00:18:45,259 --> 00:18:46,584
how do you know
it's the real thing?
390
00:18:46,668 --> 00:18:48,167
Oh, it's the real thing.
391
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,003
People in the community
trust each other.
392
00:18:50,097 --> 00:18:51,756
Stop saying
"people in the community."
393
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,673
I prefer not to picture
that community.
394
00:18:53,767 --> 00:18:57,477
Anyway, there's one I think
you might be interested in.
395
00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:03,333
This is dated exactly
nine months before I was born.
396
00:19:03,426 --> 00:19:06,778
You have a whole shelf of Lois
and the Fat Man's sex tapes?
397
00:19:06,929 --> 00:19:09,339
I have the camera in there
on a grunt sensor.
398
00:19:09,432 --> 00:19:12,509
There's a lot of Dad
just going to the bathroom.
399
00:19:12,602 --> 00:19:14,019
That's disturbing even to me,
400
00:19:14,103 --> 00:19:16,696
and I've been to an
Eyes Wide Shut party.
401
00:19:16,848 --> 00:19:20,043
Sorry, sir, there's a strict
800-penis limit.
402
00:19:20,127 --> 00:19:21,184
If I let you in,
403
00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:22,968
the fire marshal
will be all over my back.
404
00:19:23,188 --> 00:19:25,204
But the fire marshal's on
that guy's back.
405
00:19:25,357 --> 00:19:27,792
Yeah, but he'll get off
his back and on my back.
406
00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:29,460
It's a great party.
407
00:19:37,293 --> 00:19:38,977
Hey, everyone,
I'm Peter Griffin,
408
00:19:39,128 --> 00:19:41,554
and this ismy Real World audition.
409
00:19:41,706 --> 00:19:45,150
Peter... there's
something I want to do.
410
00:19:45,377 --> 00:19:46,552
Oh, God, I know that look.
411
00:19:46,636 --> 00:19:49,146
You're ovulating.
Wha-What are you doing?
412
00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:51,241
No. No! Aah!
413
00:19:54,386 --> 00:19:56,412
Wow.
Lois has strong thighs.
414
00:19:56,496 --> 00:19:59,480
Please, no!
415
00:19:59,574 --> 00:20:01,166
Fine, just get it over with.
416
00:20:01,317 --> 00:20:03,409
I'm gonna be a mom again!
417
00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:06,254
My existence is justified.
418
00:20:07,841 --> 00:20:10,416
The old man's
got quite a meat bag on him, huh?
419
00:20:10,569 --> 00:20:14,070
This... was the night
I was conceived?
420
00:20:14,163 --> 00:20:15,254
Yep.
421
00:20:15,407 --> 00:20:17,008
That's how it happened
with all of us, Stewie.
422
00:20:17,092 --> 00:20:19,017
That's why we're trash people.
423
00:20:19,244 --> 00:20:20,259
But this means...
424
00:20:20,412 --> 00:20:22,837
technically I'm only
half an accident.
425
00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:24,931
- Yep.
- Thanks, Chris.
426
00:20:25,025 --> 00:20:26,249
It was me.
427
00:20:26,342 --> 00:20:28,477
I was complimenting
my own meat bag.
428
00:20:34,478 --> 00:20:38,480
Brian, say hello
to the new snack captain.
429
00:20:38,565 --> 00:20:41,325
You actually won?
Wow, congrats, Stewie.
430
00:20:41,505 --> 00:20:43,406
I thought you being a mistake
ruined your chances.
431
00:20:43,490 --> 00:20:44,674
How'd you pull it off?
432
00:20:44,759 --> 00:20:47,776
It turns out 70% of
the kids' parents aren't married
433
00:20:47,891 --> 00:20:49,558
and 30% are mistakes.
434
00:20:49,643 --> 00:20:50,967
Nobody gets married anymore.
435
00:20:51,176 --> 00:20:52,910
One kid doesn't even
have parents.
436
00:20:52,995 --> 00:20:55,726
He just kind of appeared.
Sleeps in one of the cubbies.
437
00:20:55,811 --> 00:20:56,902
I mean, that's the story
438
00:20:56,987 --> 00:20:58,729
I would have told this week,
but whatever.
439
00:20:58,822 --> 00:21:02,091
Oh, and Doug died in a commuter
plane crash this morning.
439
00:21:03,305 --> 00:22:03,296
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