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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,451 --> 00:00:04,987 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:05,072 --> 00:00:08,147 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,232 --> 00:00:11,913 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,998 --> 00:00:14,474 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,558 --> 00:00:18,169 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:21,488 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,582 --> 00:00:23,174 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,325 --> 00:00:25,594 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:25,678 --> 00:00:30,389 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪ 10 00:00:34,521 --> 00:00:37,354 We now return to Lassie, starring Vin Diesel. 11 00:00:37,873 --> 00:00:39,097 What is it, Lassie? 12 00:00:41,495 --> 00:00:43,387 There's a fire down at the old church? 13 00:00:45,423 --> 00:00:47,865 And The Rock won't return your texts or phone calls? 14 00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,976 He totally blew you off backstage 15 00:00:52,061 --> 00:00:53,312 at the Kids' Choice Awards? 16 00:00:53,443 --> 00:00:55,185 Was he hosting or just presenting? 17 00:00:55,357 --> 00:00:57,541 Oh, well, that's why. 18 00:00:57,794 --> 00:01:01,646 Hey, fellas, three more beers and a Johnnie Wheeler? 19 00:01:03,382 --> 00:01:04,541 Yep. 20 00:01:04,625 --> 00:01:07,292 Man, I love drinking on a Saturday morning. 21 00:01:07,445 --> 00:01:09,962 Thank God I figured out how to sneak out of my house. 22 00:01:10,114 --> 00:01:11,473 Has anyone seen your father? 23 00:01:11,557 --> 00:01:13,550 I swear he was just here a minute ago. 24 00:01:17,788 --> 00:01:19,556 - Hi, Dad. - I'm a waffle. 25 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,565 Peter, you're not going to The Clam, are you? 26 00:01:21,717 --> 00:01:22,651 Waffle! 27 00:01:22,735 --> 00:01:24,235 Now prepare yourselves 28 00:01:24,386 --> 00:01:26,897 'cause the sun is never brighter than when you're day-drinking. 29 00:01:26,981 --> 00:01:28,824 Oh, I think I can handle... 30 00:01:28,908 --> 00:01:29,982 Aah! 31 00:01:30,150 --> 00:01:32,451 I'm sorry for reading people's mail. 32 00:01:34,305 --> 00:01:36,665 Look, one of them scooters you see everywhere 33 00:01:36,749 --> 00:01:38,231 what runs by a app. 34 00:01:38,325 --> 00:01:43,123 Boy, if this is what we get, imagine what the military has. 35 00:01:43,221 --> 00:01:44,304 What? 36 00:01:44,389 --> 00:01:45,923 It's a perfectly reasonable comment. 37 00:01:46,074 --> 00:01:49,167 You know, the military had the Internet way before we did. 38 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,004 GPS, drones, you name it. Look around, guys. 39 00:01:52,156 --> 00:01:54,683 It's an amazing time to be alive. 40 00:01:56,918 --> 00:01:59,937 ♪ Wonders ♪ 41 00:02:00,088 --> 00:02:04,666 ♪ We're surrounded by wonders ♪ 42 00:02:05,594 --> 00:02:11,097 ♪ That phone in your pocket could power a rocket ♪ 43 00:02:11,191 --> 00:02:16,528 ♪ But what does the military have? ♪ 44 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,274 Joe's song made me kind of want to try it. 45 00:02:19,453 --> 00:02:22,083 All right, now to scan this simple code 46 00:02:22,168 --> 00:02:24,937 like every middle-aged white guy. 47 00:02:25,022 --> 00:02:29,275 It's not... I can't... I'm doing exactly what it said. 48 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,694 I-I... Do I take a picture, or...? 49 00:02:31,788 --> 00:02:34,374 Is there an actual person I can talk to? 50 00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:35,766 'Cause it's not working. 51 00:02:35,850 --> 00:02:37,543 Oh, okay. No, wait, now it's doing something. 52 00:02:37,627 --> 00:02:40,462 - Computers, am I right? - No, you're not. 53 00:02:42,207 --> 00:02:44,632 - "Push off." - You're choking me. 54 00:02:46,361 --> 00:02:51,372 ♪ Holiday road ♪ 55 00:02:51,457 --> 00:02:55,768 ♪ Holiday road ♪ 56 00:02:56,554 --> 00:03:00,307 ♪ Holiday road. ♪ 57 00:03:00,391 --> 00:03:02,500 Peter, where are we going? 58 00:03:02,585 --> 00:03:04,404 Relax. It's our nation's capital. 59 00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:05,561 I'm just a fan of history. 60 00:03:05,714 --> 00:03:08,156 Peter, what are you up to? 61 00:03:08,383 --> 00:03:10,399 What? I just love our government. 62 00:03:10,552 --> 00:03:12,410 Or at least I used to. 63 00:03:15,056 --> 00:03:16,331 Hey, Cleveland, wake up. 64 00:03:16,482 --> 00:03:17,907 No, don't wake him. Don't wake him. 65 00:03:18,059 --> 00:03:19,575 I don't think he wants to be reminded. 66 00:03:24,582 --> 00:03:27,008 All those in favor of a giant key ring 67 00:03:27,235 --> 00:03:29,670 for our jail cell, say "aye." 68 00:03:29,754 --> 00:03:31,904 Mayor West, four citizens have gone missing. 69 00:03:31,998 --> 00:03:34,407 They were last seen heading south on a Bird scooter. 70 00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:36,259 Saddle my horse. 71 00:03:40,006 --> 00:03:43,358 As mayor, I reckon it's my duty to round up the strays 72 00:03:43,509 --> 00:03:45,026 and bring 'em back to safety. 73 00:03:45,177 --> 00:03:47,529 He-yaw! 74 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,940 Oops, sorry. They-yaw! 75 00:03:51,034 --> 00:03:52,775 Thank you. 76 00:03:52,944 --> 00:03:57,957 ♪ Holiday road ♪ 77 00:03:58,041 --> 00:04:01,934 ♪ Holiday road. ♪ 78 00:04:02,069 --> 00:04:03,786 All right, I've been driving for 18 hours. 79 00:04:03,938 --> 00:04:05,454 Someone else take the wheel... Aah! 80 00:04:05,549 --> 00:04:07,549 Loose opioid! 81 00:04:12,145 --> 00:04:14,443 Oh, crap. A alligator. 82 00:04:16,052 --> 00:04:19,209 Oh, hey. Would you consider not eating us? 83 00:04:19,304 --> 00:04:21,463 Uh... yeah. Maybe. 84 00:04:21,547 --> 00:04:24,484 - Oh, thank God. - I think "maybe" means "no." 85 00:04:24,568 --> 00:04:27,061 He's just being polite. He's gonna eat us. 86 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:35,828 Well, look at that, 87 00:04:35,912 --> 00:04:39,165 six summers at Lasso Camp finally paid off. 88 00:04:39,249 --> 00:04:40,990 That's where you learned to use the ropes? 89 00:04:41,142 --> 00:04:43,326 No, it was Ted Lasso Camp. 90 00:04:43,478 --> 00:04:45,420 That's where I learned to be nice funny. 91 00:04:45,647 --> 00:04:48,415 Sometimes comedy is building people up. 92 00:04:48,499 --> 00:04:51,000 I know, I know. It's hard to change. 93 00:04:57,842 --> 00:05:01,428 Yep, we're back from space, everyone. We did it. 94 00:05:01,512 --> 00:05:03,672 They know you weren't in space, Peter. 95 00:05:03,756 --> 00:05:06,256 There are social media posts of you crying 96 00:05:06,351 --> 00:05:08,167 'cause you couldn't stop a scooter. 97 00:05:08,260 --> 00:05:09,611 But we're still glad you're home. 98 00:05:10,596 --> 00:05:14,098 Boy, Mayor West is a hero, always saving the day. 99 00:05:14,192 --> 00:05:15,766 One day, I want to be mayor. 100 00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:17,611 Well, Stewie, it's a noble aspiration. 101 00:05:17,695 --> 00:05:19,770 A good start would be learning about politics 102 00:05:19,864 --> 00:05:22,365 - and getting involved at school. - Eh, I suppose so. 103 00:05:22,459 --> 00:05:25,201 A vote for Doug is a vote for progress. 104 00:05:25,295 --> 00:05:27,203 Oh, hey, Stewie. 105 00:05:27,297 --> 00:05:30,039 I had no idea I'd run into the town square 106 00:05:30,133 --> 00:05:31,551 in the Town Square. 107 00:05:31,635 --> 00:05:33,951 Are you gonna go down the hot metal slide 108 00:05:34,045 --> 00:05:35,378 in shorts again? 109 00:05:35,546 --> 00:05:39,140 Yes, Doug, I made a mistake. That's how you learn things. 110 00:05:39,367 --> 00:05:40,642 What are those flyers for? 111 00:05:40,869 --> 00:05:43,052 I'm running for preschool snack captain. 112 00:05:43,204 --> 00:05:44,720 Throwing my diaper into the ring. 113 00:05:44,873 --> 00:05:46,974 All the snack captain does is wear a paper hat 114 00:05:47,058 --> 00:05:49,317 while the teacher passes out Goldfish crackers. 115 00:05:49,468 --> 00:05:51,312 Sure, but you know what they say. 116 00:05:51,396 --> 00:05:54,656 "Today, snack captain, tomorrow, mayor." 117 00:05:54,807 --> 00:05:57,383 - Mayor? - This is just a formality. 118 00:05:57,476 --> 00:05:59,309 My opponent Noah got foot-in-mouth disease, 119 00:05:59,404 --> 00:06:01,155 so I'm running unopposed. 120 00:06:01,239 --> 00:06:03,916 I'd really have to put my foot in my mouth to lose. 121 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,335 Ho-ho. Is funny because wordplay. 122 00:06:07,562 --> 00:06:10,590 Huh, I guess Fuad still lives in Quahog. 123 00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:14,576 Brian, Stewie Griffin is now running for snack captain. 124 00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:16,844 And I will defeat that jerk Doug. 125 00:06:17,071 --> 00:06:20,515 Well, we got our fellas back, and I reached my steps today. 126 00:06:20,666 --> 00:06:22,676 - What's that? - Oh, it's a watch that tracks 127 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,019 the number of steps I take each day. 128 00:06:25,171 --> 00:06:26,513 Wow. 129 00:06:29,083 --> 00:06:31,526 ♪ Wonders ♪ 130 00:06:31,753 --> 00:06:37,283 ♪ We're surrounded by wonders ♪ 131 00:06:37,367 --> 00:06:39,844 ♪ Look around and be amazed ♪ 132 00:06:39,928 --> 00:06:45,206 ♪ That pad on your lap could buy a shirt at the Gap ♪ 133 00:06:45,357 --> 00:06:49,961 ♪ But what does the military have? ♪ 134 00:06:52,382 --> 00:06:54,549 He was asking too many questions. 135 00:07:00,372 --> 00:07:01,797 All right. Listen, Rupert. 136 00:07:01,891 --> 00:07:04,392 I'm running for snack captain, and our lives are going to be 137 00:07:04,619 --> 00:07:07,129 under the microscope more than they ever have before. 138 00:07:07,213 --> 00:07:10,557 So all I'm gonna say is, I just want to applaud you again 139 00:07:10,641 --> 00:07:13,301 on your commitment to sobriety. 140 00:07:13,385 --> 00:07:15,127 What do you mean "wine doesn't count"? 141 00:07:15,221 --> 00:07:16,645 Yes, rosé is wine. 142 00:07:16,798 --> 00:07:17,898 And I don't want to hear the term 143 00:07:17,982 --> 00:07:20,241 "California sober" come out of your mouth. 144 00:07:20,468 --> 00:07:21,283 Hey, Stewie. 145 00:07:21,368 --> 00:07:23,914 Brian, I want you to be my campaign manager. 146 00:07:23,999 --> 00:07:25,516 Really? What do I have to do? 147 00:07:25,601 --> 00:07:27,612 You'll be in charge of setting up my war room 148 00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:30,362 - and situation room and sex room. - Sex room? 149 00:07:30,447 --> 00:07:33,125 Shh, I can't let Mr. Dramatic over there know. 150 00:07:33,210 --> 00:07:34,886 I don't know. This is already weird. 151 00:07:34,971 --> 00:07:36,712 Please, Brian. I need this. 152 00:07:36,797 --> 00:07:38,715 I need this the way a shoe salesman needs 153 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,541 that foot-measuring device. 154 00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,885 I can say with absolute scientific certainty 155 00:07:43,204 --> 00:07:44,183 that you're a 10 1/2. 156 00:07:44,267 --> 00:07:48,187 Now let me get you some shoes that still may or may not fit. 157 00:07:53,677 --> 00:07:55,612 Hey, Stewie, a little birdie told me 158 00:07:55,697 --> 00:07:58,957 you've thrown your hat into the snack captain ring. 159 00:07:59,108 --> 00:08:01,017 Actually it was a tweet. 160 00:08:04,130 --> 00:08:07,632 I just want to say I hope we can have a fair campaign 161 00:08:07,859 --> 00:08:11,469 and forget any past tension between us. 162 00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:13,964 Consider them forgotten, like La La Land, 163 00:08:14,048 --> 00:08:15,862 the most celebrated movie ever made 164 00:08:15,947 --> 00:08:18,977 that suddenly no one remembers, mentions, or cares about. 165 00:08:23,708 --> 00:08:25,650 - Oh, he nailed you. - I'm voting for Doug. 166 00:08:25,801 --> 00:08:27,634 I'm too young to deliver a joke. 167 00:08:27,729 --> 00:08:29,562 Well, looks like the gloves are off. 168 00:08:29,714 --> 00:08:31,714 But I've taken on bigger challenges. 169 00:08:31,807 --> 00:08:33,992 Like playing a game of Paul Simon Says. 170 00:08:34,219 --> 00:08:36,219 Paul Simon says Art Garfunkel is a loser. 171 00:08:36,312 --> 00:08:39,081 Oh, come on, Paul. It's been 40 years. Let it go. 172 00:08:39,165 --> 00:08:40,814 Paul Simon says I wrote all the songs. 173 00:08:40,908 --> 00:08:43,026 We know that. No one is denying you credit. 174 00:08:43,110 --> 00:08:45,496 Paul Simon says five-two is the cutoff for being really short, 175 00:08:45,580 --> 00:08:47,757 - not five-three. - You know what? I'm bored. 176 00:08:47,841 --> 00:08:49,565 I'm gonna play Simon Cowell Says. 177 00:08:49,658 --> 00:08:53,011 Simon Cowell says men should wear low V-necks 178 00:08:53,238 --> 00:08:57,015 - and have breasts. - Thank you for One Direction. 179 00:09:04,599 --> 00:09:08,835 Stewie, our polls show that your classmates see you as aloof. 180 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:11,188 We need a photo op of you kissing a baby. 181 00:09:11,272 --> 00:09:12,605 All right, well, make it a BOC. 182 00:09:12,699 --> 00:09:15,107 - A what? - A baby of color. 183 00:09:15,201 --> 00:09:16,592 Stewie, what's going on? 184 00:09:16,685 --> 00:09:17,861 I thought I was your campaign manager. 185 00:09:17,945 --> 00:09:20,521 I want you and Chris to compete for my favor. 186 00:09:20,615 --> 00:09:22,281 I will reward absolute loyalty, 187 00:09:22,433 --> 00:09:24,018 even if you have to go to prison for it. 188 00:09:24,102 --> 00:09:26,360 - And who are all these people? - College Republicans. 189 00:09:26,454 --> 00:09:27,787 When they're not on Barstool 190 00:09:27,955 --> 00:09:30,874 or wearing boat shoes nowhere near a boat, they're here. 191 00:09:30,958 --> 00:09:32,550 I've also scheduled a whistle-stop tour 192 00:09:32,777 --> 00:09:33,636 of the playground. 193 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:35,040 You need to reach the seesaw kids, 194 00:09:35,204 --> 00:09:37,715 the slide kids, and spend time with the jungle gym kids 195 00:09:37,799 --> 00:09:39,206 so they know they have your support. 196 00:09:39,375 --> 00:09:40,874 Ugh, okay, but bring the Purell. 197 00:09:40,968 --> 00:09:44,480 I'll make a speech even greater than Jeffrey Epstein's eulogy. 198 00:09:44,564 --> 00:09:45,955 He gone! 199 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:53,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 200 00:09:55,967 --> 00:09:58,317 Stewie, this debate is make-or-break. 201 00:09:58,469 --> 00:09:59,887 I've been working on a strong opening. 202 00:09:59,971 --> 00:10:01,739 Take control early, get 'em on your side, 203 00:10:01,823 --> 00:10:03,322 and it's easier to keep them there. 204 00:10:03,416 --> 00:10:05,001 Stewie, would you like to begin? 205 00:10:05,085 --> 00:10:05,732 Thank you. 206 00:10:05,827 --> 00:10:06,918 My friends, 207 00:10:07,087 --> 00:10:09,747 this election is about the future of snack time. 208 00:10:09,831 --> 00:10:13,424 I disagree. This election is about you. 209 00:10:15,002 --> 00:10:17,680 Who is this guy? I love him. 210 00:10:17,764 --> 00:10:21,173 And may I call your attention to my opponent's actions 211 00:10:21,309 --> 00:10:23,267 during the attack on The Capitol? 212 00:10:23,419 --> 00:10:26,022 Here is Stewie waving to supporters 213 00:10:26,106 --> 00:10:28,432 safely behind barricades. 214 00:10:28,516 --> 00:10:30,860 And here he is with Josh Hawley, 215 00:10:30,944 --> 00:10:33,903 fleeing the riot they helped stoke. 216 00:10:42,534 --> 00:10:44,834 Wow, what a little bitch. 217 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:48,874 Uh-oh. 218 00:10:48,959 --> 00:10:50,642 Doug... are you okay? 219 00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:56,595 My God, is Doug... pooping his pants? 220 00:10:57,469 --> 00:10:58,944 Ew! 221 00:10:59,049 --> 00:11:00,306 What a godsend. 222 00:11:00,391 --> 00:11:03,962 We'll call him Poopy-Doopy Doug. He'll never shake it. 223 00:11:04,047 --> 00:11:05,842 He surged in the polls? 224 00:11:05,927 --> 00:11:08,428 It humanized him, made him more relatable. 225 00:11:08,513 --> 00:11:10,364 Well, two can play at that game. 226 00:11:15,568 --> 00:11:18,854 Global events conspired to push us off the front page. 227 00:11:21,796 --> 00:11:25,674 Chris, the election's tomorrow. It's do-or-die time. 228 00:11:25,759 --> 00:11:28,152 What the hell? You work for Doug now? 229 00:11:28,532 --> 00:11:31,135 I'm sorry, Stewie. Your campaign is a sinking ship. 230 00:11:31,219 --> 00:11:33,378 I need a winner. I'm a professional. 231 00:11:33,462 --> 00:11:36,198 You'd abandon your brother like that? 232 00:11:36,282 --> 00:11:41,312 Sorry, but that's the way things go on The Hill. 233 00:11:48,886 --> 00:11:51,396 What? Is that... Is that a thing? 234 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,981 No. What you just saw was a sizzle reel 235 00:11:54,075 --> 00:11:57,134 that cost me $75,000 of my own money. 236 00:11:57,227 --> 00:11:59,320 Friends told me not to use my own money. 237 00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:02,500 "What do they know?" I told myself at the time. 238 00:12:02,584 --> 00:12:05,067 The network decided not to move forward with it. 239 00:12:05,161 --> 00:12:07,069 But they said they still love 240 00:12:07,163 --> 00:12:09,496 being in the Chris Griffin business. 241 00:12:11,834 --> 00:12:15,513 Brian, you're a loyal dog, and you've got a belly rub coming. 242 00:12:15,597 --> 00:12:17,245 Maybe something a little more. 243 00:12:17,340 --> 00:12:19,557 But first we've got to find dirt on Doug. 244 00:12:21,251 --> 00:12:22,745 All right, there's his campaign headquarters. 245 00:12:22,829 --> 00:12:25,931 You stand lookout, and I'll sneak inside looking for dirt. 246 00:12:26,015 --> 00:12:28,025 Stay focused. Don't lick your balls. 247 00:12:28,109 --> 00:12:31,152 God. Wasn't gonna lick my balls. 248 00:12:44,033 --> 00:12:46,710 My God, Doug's got a file on me. 249 00:12:46,794 --> 00:12:49,454 "Stewie Griffin's Weaknesses." 250 00:12:49,538 --> 00:12:51,446 "Shapes"? How dare he? 251 00:12:51,540 --> 00:12:54,875 And to think I let him into my innermost rhombus of trust. 252 00:12:55,027 --> 00:12:57,470 It's hard to rectangle this with the Doug I knew. 253 00:12:58,973 --> 00:13:01,967 Okay, the Internet is not enjoying the shape jokes. 254 00:13:02,051 --> 00:13:04,459 Wait, what do we have here? 255 00:13:04,628 --> 00:13:06,795 Doug still uses a pacifier? 256 00:13:06,889 --> 00:13:09,023 Oh, wait till the papers hear about this. 257 00:13:11,135 --> 00:13:14,479 Damn it, get your act together down there, you kooks. 258 00:13:17,325 --> 00:13:20,050 And that, my fellow classmates, is how I discovered 259 00:13:20,219 --> 00:13:22,828 that Courteney Cox bleaches her starfish. 260 00:13:22,980 --> 00:13:24,323 Anyway, got off on a tangent there, 261 00:13:24,407 --> 00:13:26,325 but more germane to this election, 262 00:13:26,409 --> 00:13:30,329 I have discovered that my opponent still uses this! 263 00:13:31,247 --> 00:13:32,331 Are you willing to vote 264 00:13:32,415 --> 00:13:35,174 for a representative who literally sucks? 265 00:13:35,401 --> 00:13:36,734 I think not. 266 00:13:36,827 --> 00:13:38,929 Stewie Griffin for snack captain. 267 00:13:39,013 --> 00:13:40,421 Thank you, Stewie. 268 00:13:40,573 --> 00:13:42,007 Doug, final remarks? 269 00:13:42,091 --> 00:13:43,999 Ladies and gentlemen of the preschool, 270 00:13:44,093 --> 00:13:47,411 we all know Stewie has a brother and a sister. 271 00:13:47,504 --> 00:13:51,765 Have you ever wondered why they are so much older than Stewie? 272 00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:52,918 Where is this going? 273 00:13:53,085 --> 00:13:55,695 Well, I have, and I did some research. 274 00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:58,105 What I found confirms the dark secret 275 00:13:58,257 --> 00:14:00,700 that I already suspected... 276 00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:03,362 Stewie Griffin was a "whoops baby." 277 00:14:03,446 --> 00:14:05,456 What the devil are you talking about? 278 00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:07,765 Stewie Griffin was a mistake! 279 00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:10,434 - Oh, my God. - A mistake? 280 00:14:10,527 --> 00:14:12,619 He's a big fat phony. 281 00:14:12,714 --> 00:14:14,373 Okay, I think I know whose kid that is. 282 00:14:14,457 --> 00:14:17,699 That's impossible. How could you know that? 283 00:14:17,793 --> 00:14:21,713 Oh, I had a very reliable source. 284 00:14:21,797 --> 00:14:23,807 Tell me what you know. 285 00:14:23,891 --> 00:14:25,632 Stewie's a mistake. 286 00:14:25,727 --> 00:14:27,876 How do you know this? 287 00:14:27,970 --> 00:14:30,938 Because I'm his brother. 288 00:14:39,056 --> 00:14:40,147 Hey, Stewie. What's wrong? 289 00:14:40,299 --> 00:14:41,900 In an effort to win the election, 290 00:14:41,984 --> 00:14:43,568 Doug has stooped to the most preposterous 291 00:14:43,652 --> 00:14:45,060 of lies and mudslinging. 292 00:14:45,154 --> 00:14:48,247 He claims I was a whoops baby. A mistake. 293 00:14:48,398 --> 00:14:50,732 Well, if you think about it, it, it is possible. 294 00:14:50,901 --> 00:14:52,400 No, it's not. That's absurd. 295 00:14:52,495 --> 00:14:54,478 To be honest, I've wondered the same thing. 296 00:14:54,571 --> 00:14:56,255 You are much younger than Chris and Meg. 297 00:14:56,482 --> 00:14:58,907 Lois and Peter had two children back-to-back, 298 00:14:59,001 --> 00:15:01,093 a boy and a girl, one of each, and then stopped. 299 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,003 And those two were already a stretch 300 00:15:03,155 --> 00:15:04,321 for Peter's meager salary. 301 00:15:04,490 --> 00:15:05,924 I mean, don't you think it's a little odd 302 00:15:06,008 --> 00:15:08,100 that their plan would include waiting 14 years, 303 00:15:08,252 --> 00:15:09,853 until Lois was in her 40s... 304 00:15:09,937 --> 00:15:11,845 Not exactly prime reproductive years... 305 00:15:11,939 --> 00:15:13,439 To have their third child? 306 00:15:13,666 --> 00:15:14,940 I-I'm not saying it's true, 307 00:15:15,092 --> 00:15:17,860 but if you do the math, it kind of makes sense. 308 00:15:19,781 --> 00:15:23,023 My God, everything about this is terrible. 309 00:15:23,175 --> 00:15:24,443 Why do you think Peter keeps leaving you 310 00:15:24,527 --> 00:15:25,703 on the fire station steps? 311 00:15:25,787 --> 00:15:28,028 Most things about this are terrible. 312 00:15:28,180 --> 00:15:30,864 Come on, little guy, time to go to the fire station. 313 00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,458 Let me just fix my face. 314 00:15:34,111 --> 00:15:36,288 All right, let's go. 315 00:15:39,692 --> 00:15:41,542 I can't believe they never bothered to tell me 316 00:15:41,694 --> 00:15:42,968 I was a mistake. 317 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:44,424 Well, I'll get my revenge 318 00:15:44,509 --> 00:15:47,111 by using the one trump card every baby has. 319 00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:49,948 I'll refuse to put on my shoes. 320 00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:52,851 Stewie, let's get your shoes on. We're going out. 321 00:15:52,944 --> 00:15:55,881 Oh, oka... Hold still, Stewie. 322 00:15:55,965 --> 00:15:57,198 Come on, let me get your shoes on. 323 00:15:57,282 --> 00:15:58,958 Damn it, Stewie! Stop kicking. 324 00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,193 Will you just... Will you hold still? 325 00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:03,303 Damn it. Stop kick... Stewie. 326 00:16:04,956 --> 00:16:07,975 Well, so much for going to the Dangly Shiny Keys Show. 327 00:16:08,143 --> 00:16:10,136 Dangly Shiny Keys Show? 328 00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:12,138 What are we waiting for? Let's go. 329 00:16:14,149 --> 00:16:15,874 What were you upset about earlier? 330 00:16:15,967 --> 00:16:17,127 I don't know, I don't remember. 331 00:16:17,211 --> 00:16:19,227 Me neither, but this is amazing. 332 00:16:22,247 --> 00:16:24,015 What are we doing at this coffee shop, Stewie? 333 00:16:24,099 --> 00:16:26,869 This is Lois's favorite spot and I hacked their system 334 00:16:26,954 --> 00:16:28,620 so they only accept Apple Pay. 335 00:16:28,847 --> 00:16:30,789 She's gonna have no clue what to do. 336 00:16:32,184 --> 00:16:34,952 I'm sorry, we only take Apple Pay. 337 00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:37,380 Oh, what?...? I-Is that on my computer? 338 00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:39,464 Yeah, and if you don't have it, 339 00:16:39,616 --> 00:16:41,374 we're gonna have to take the coffee back. 340 00:16:41,526 --> 00:16:43,006 You'll do no such thing. 341 00:16:43,119 --> 00:16:45,470 Shawn Mendes?! 342 00:16:45,622 --> 00:16:47,973 That's right. Wherever a suburban mom is having trouble 343 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,808 with a phone thing, I'll be there. 344 00:16:49,959 --> 00:16:51,560 Give me your phone. 345 00:16:52,795 --> 00:16:54,380 Here's your coffee. 346 00:16:54,464 --> 00:16:56,516 What do you mean the menu's online? 347 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,316 I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere. 348 00:16:58,468 --> 00:17:01,319 ♪ Shawn Mendes. ♪ 349 00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:06,399 All right, time for a little payback. 350 00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:09,828 Let's see how the fat man feels about having a mistake baby 351 00:17:09,979 --> 00:17:11,905 when he has to listen to that same child blast 352 00:17:11,999 --> 00:17:13,740 rebellious rock and roll. 353 00:17:13,834 --> 00:17:15,326 ♪ Sugar... ♪ - 354 00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:17,911 Ha! How do you like that, old man? 355 00:17:18,063 --> 00:17:20,090 If it's too loud, you're too old! 356 00:17:20,174 --> 00:17:22,759 Hey, what's going on down here? I love this song. 357 00:17:22,843 --> 00:17:25,336 No. No, you're supposed to be mad about this. 358 00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:27,079 I do have an issue with the volume, though. 359 00:17:27,163 --> 00:17:30,007 - Oh, yeah, here we go. - It needs to be louder. 360 00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:31,267 ♪ Honey... ♪ 361 00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:35,179 Hey, we heard The Archies, so we brought punch. 362 00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:36,514 What? No. No. 363 00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:38,523 This is supposed to be making you furious. 364 00:17:38,675 --> 00:17:42,194 Oh, God, this music is making me lose it. 365 00:17:42,345 --> 00:17:43,947 Should we order two cheese pizzas? 366 00:17:44,031 --> 00:17:45,448 - Uh, yeah. - I'm in. 367 00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:47,951 Hey, Quagmire, Betty or Veronica? 368 00:17:48,035 --> 00:17:49,275 Both. 369 00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:51,352 - ♪ Oh, Quagmire ♪ - ♪ Oh, sugar ♪ 370 00:17:52,764 --> 00:17:55,874 - ♪ Who else but Quagmire? ♪ - ♪ Oh, honey, honey. ♪ 371 00:17:57,878 --> 00:18:00,603 - Hey, Stewie. - What do you want? 372 00:18:00,697 --> 00:18:04,107 Listen, Stewie, I'm sure whoever broke this whoops baby story 373 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:05,275 to sink your campaign 374 00:18:05,368 --> 00:18:07,761 never intended you to take it personally. 375 00:18:09,056 --> 00:18:11,264 There's something I think you should see. 376 00:18:15,637 --> 00:18:18,304 What? You've got a secret weapons room? 377 00:18:18,457 --> 00:18:20,982 Not exactly. It's a porn room. 378 00:18:22,294 --> 00:18:24,811 These are impressively organized and cataloged. 379 00:18:24,963 --> 00:18:27,722 People in the community like things well-labeled, 380 00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:30,057 so I developed the Spewey Decimal System. 381 00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:31,661 I don't want to sound like a square, 382 00:18:31,745 --> 00:18:33,070 but if you put this level of effort 383 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:35,154 into your schoolwork, you could really soar. 384 00:18:35,307 --> 00:18:36,081 See that? 385 00:18:36,308 --> 00:18:38,083 That's a mint condition 1983 386 00:18:38,234 --> 00:18:40,310 Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn sex tape. 387 00:18:40,479 --> 00:18:44,081 Never been opened. Market value of $150K. 388 00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:45,175 Well, if it's never been opened, 389 00:18:45,259 --> 00:18:46,584 how do you know it's the real thing? 390 00:18:46,668 --> 00:18:48,167 Oh, it's the real thing. 391 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,003 People in the community trust each other. 392 00:18:50,097 --> 00:18:51,756 Stop saying "people in the community." 393 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,673 I prefer not to picture that community. 394 00:18:53,767 --> 00:18:57,477 Anyway, there's one I think you might be interested in. 395 00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:03,333 This is dated exactly nine months before I was born. 396 00:19:03,426 --> 00:19:06,778 You have a whole shelf of Lois and the Fat Man's sex tapes? 397 00:19:06,929 --> 00:19:09,339 I have the camera in there on a grunt sensor. 398 00:19:09,432 --> 00:19:12,509 There's a lot of Dad just going to the bathroom. 399 00:19:12,602 --> 00:19:14,019 That's disturbing even to me, 400 00:19:14,103 --> 00:19:16,696 and I've been to an Eyes Wide Shut party. 401 00:19:16,848 --> 00:19:20,043 Sorry, sir, there's a strict 800-penis limit. 402 00:19:20,127 --> 00:19:21,184 If I let you in, 403 00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:22,968 the fire marshal will be all over my back. 404 00:19:23,188 --> 00:19:25,204 But the fire marshal's on that guy's back. 405 00:19:25,357 --> 00:19:27,792 Yeah, but he'll get off his back and on my back. 406 00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:29,460 It's a great party. 407 00:19:37,293 --> 00:19:38,977 Hey, everyone, I'm Peter Griffin, 408 00:19:39,128 --> 00:19:41,554 and this is my Real World audition. 409 00:19:41,706 --> 00:19:45,150 Peter... there's something I want to do. 410 00:19:45,377 --> 00:19:46,552 Oh, God, I know that look. 411 00:19:46,636 --> 00:19:49,146 You're ovulating. Wha-What are you doing? 412 00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:51,241 No. No! Aah! 413 00:19:54,386 --> 00:19:56,412 Wow. Lois has strong thighs. 414 00:19:56,496 --> 00:19:59,480 Please, no! 415 00:19:59,574 --> 00:20:01,166 Fine, just get it over with. 416 00:20:01,317 --> 00:20:03,409 I'm gonna be a mom again! 417 00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:06,254 My existence is justified. 418 00:20:07,841 --> 00:20:10,416 The old man's got quite a meat bag on him, huh? 419 00:20:10,569 --> 00:20:14,070 This... was the night I was conceived? 420 00:20:14,163 --> 00:20:15,254 Yep. 421 00:20:15,407 --> 00:20:17,008 That's how it happened with all of us, Stewie. 422 00:20:17,092 --> 00:20:19,017 That's why we're trash people. 423 00:20:19,244 --> 00:20:20,259 But this means... 424 00:20:20,412 --> 00:20:22,837 technically I'm only half an accident. 425 00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:24,931 - Yep. - Thanks, Chris. 426 00:20:25,025 --> 00:20:26,249 It was me. 427 00:20:26,342 --> 00:20:28,477 I was complimenting my own meat bag. 428 00:20:34,478 --> 00:20:38,480 Brian, say hello to the new snack captain. 429 00:20:38,565 --> 00:20:41,325 You actually won? Wow, congrats, Stewie. 430 00:20:41,505 --> 00:20:43,406 I thought you being a mistake ruined your chances. 431 00:20:43,490 --> 00:20:44,674 How'd you pull it off? 432 00:20:44,759 --> 00:20:47,776 It turns out 70% of the kids' parents aren't married 433 00:20:47,891 --> 00:20:49,558 and 30% are mistakes. 434 00:20:49,643 --> 00:20:50,967 Nobody gets married anymore. 435 00:20:51,176 --> 00:20:52,910 One kid doesn't even have parents. 436 00:20:52,995 --> 00:20:55,726 He just kind of appeared. Sleeps in one of the cubbies. 437 00:20:55,811 --> 00:20:56,902 I mean, that's the story 438 00:20:56,987 --> 00:20:58,729 I would have told this week, but whatever. 439 00:20:58,822 --> 00:21:02,091 Oh, and Doug died in a commuter plane crash this morning. 439 00:21:03,305 --> 00:22:03,296 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/b425w Help other users to choose the best subtitles 33827

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