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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,616 --> 00:00:10,555 (humming) 2 00:00:11,891 --> 00:00:13,493 - (whirring) - (grunting) 3 00:00:13,493 --> 00:00:14,530 - (clangs) - Ow! 4 00:00:14,530 --> 00:00:16,800 Oh, for the love of absolutely nothing, Toot. 5 00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,103 Keep it down! 6 00:00:18,103 --> 00:00:20,374 You're disturbing my customers! 7 00:00:20,374 --> 00:00:21,442 (snoring) 8 00:00:21,442 --> 00:00:23,313 - (squeaks) - Start the board meeting without me. 9 00:00:23,313 --> 00:00:25,417 (snoring) 10 00:00:25,417 --> 00:00:26,587 Oops. 11 00:00:26,587 --> 00:00:30,595 Is my new Kawabashi Leaf Ninja set in show-off mode? 12 00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:34,001 That's 500 CCs just champing at the bit. 13 00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:35,772 - (revs blower) - Ow! 14 00:00:35,772 --> 00:00:37,976 My black-market cochlear implant! 15 00:00:37,976 --> 00:00:40,314 Now let me blow something else. 16 00:00:40,314 --> 00:00:41,482 Your mind. 17 00:00:41,482 --> 00:00:44,255 Ow! My black market LASIK surgery! 18 00:00:44,255 --> 00:00:47,662 The youth hockey team that I sponsor and coach 19 00:00:47,662 --> 00:00:49,265 won the championship this year. 20 00:00:49,265 --> 00:00:53,541 Trophies are what they give to winners, when they win. 21 00:00:53,541 --> 00:00:56,012 F. Y. I. 22 00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:58,383 Okay, stuff like this is why Gayle left you. 23 00:00:58,383 --> 00:01:00,588 No one knows why Gayle left me, 24 00:01:00,588 --> 00:01:03,193 except for Gayle and my more-handsome brother. 25 00:01:03,193 --> 00:01:05,632 But don't let my success get to you, Moe. 26 00:01:05,632 --> 00:01:08,804 Remember, just because something good happens to me, 27 00:01:08,804 --> 00:01:10,508 you're a giant loser. 28 00:01:10,508 --> 00:01:13,948 Anyway, just something for you to stew on. 29 00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:17,756 Right. Sure I am. Me, stew. No way. 30 00:01:17,756 --> 00:01:20,294 Not stew, not me. No stew. 31 00:01:20,294 --> 00:01:21,697 - Hey, Stu. - (chuckles) 32 00:01:21,697 --> 00:01:22,799 Me, stew? 33 00:01:22,799 --> 00:01:26,941 I ain't spending one second replaying my failures. 34 00:01:26,941 --> 00:01:28,644 (chuckles) 35 00:01:28,644 --> 00:01:31,115 Like how I don't got no money, I got no education. 36 00:01:31,115 --> 00:01:33,253 My mattress is a pallet of flyers 37 00:01:33,253 --> 00:01:34,455 I was supposed to deliver. 38 00:01:34,455 --> 00:01:36,827 How I was invited to five different dinners 39 00:01:36,827 --> 00:01:38,263 for schmucks in one week. 40 00:01:38,263 --> 00:01:40,133 I only got one lightbulb, 41 00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:42,204 which I got to take from room to room. 42 00:01:42,204 --> 00:01:46,112 How every sex cult I join turns into a suicide cult. 43 00:01:46,112 --> 00:01:49,051 I'm a speck. No, I'm-I'm less than a speck. 44 00:01:49,051 --> 00:01:51,657 I'm nothing but, uh... I'm a scuzz. 45 00:01:51,657 --> 00:01:52,792 Moe, what gives? 46 00:01:52,792 --> 00:01:55,732 You've been dwelling on your failures for ten months. 47 00:01:55,732 --> 00:01:57,301 Why didn't you stop me? 48 00:01:57,301 --> 00:01:59,606 'Cause then we'd have to touch your shoulder. 49 00:01:59,606 --> 00:02:00,775 (all shudder) 50 00:02:02,011 --> 00:02:03,981 Soccer season is over. 51 00:02:03,981 --> 00:02:07,187 The conquering participant returns. 52 00:02:07,187 --> 00:02:09,392 Congratulations, sweetie. 53 00:02:09,392 --> 00:02:12,331 I know how hard you strived to participate. 54 00:02:12,331 --> 00:02:15,738 It wasn't easy, but I did the bare minimum. 55 00:02:15,738 --> 00:02:19,145 Thanks for driving me to games every Saturday, Dad. 56 00:02:19,145 --> 00:02:21,149 Well, I knew it wouldn't last forever. 57 00:02:21,149 --> 00:02:23,153 And now, with soccer season over, 58 00:02:23,153 --> 00:02:25,525 sitting season... 59 00:02:25,525 --> 00:02:27,161 begins. 60 00:02:27,161 --> 00:02:28,330 Homer, get up. 61 00:02:28,330 --> 00:02:31,102 Bart's first junior hockey game is today. 62 00:02:31,102 --> 00:02:33,874 But-but kids' sports was over! 63 00:02:33,874 --> 00:02:36,547 It's great father-son bonding. 64 00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:39,619 No. It's me driving while Bart looks at his phone. 65 00:02:39,619 --> 00:02:41,990 Then it's Bart playing while I look at my phone. 66 00:02:41,990 --> 00:02:45,030 Then me driving home while we both look at our phones. 67 00:02:45,030 --> 00:02:48,403 That's what kids' sports is. 68 00:02:48,403 --> 00:02:50,808 Can I have some money to bet on the games? 69 00:02:50,808 --> 00:02:53,046 ♪ 70 00:02:53,046 --> 00:02:54,348 (indistinct chatter) 71 00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:56,252 - (whistle blows) - Okay, diapers. 72 00:02:56,252 --> 00:02:57,555 I'm gonna tell you something 73 00:02:57,555 --> 00:03:00,460 no coach ever had the heart to say to his players. 74 00:03:00,460 --> 00:03:04,301 You are only here to fix my emotional problems. 75 00:03:05,505 --> 00:03:06,540 Yeah! 76 00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:08,911 We're 20 games away from me getting a trophy 77 00:03:08,911 --> 00:03:11,917 and six payments away from me owning this whistle. 78 00:03:11,917 --> 00:03:13,788 Now, you all know the game plan. 79 00:03:13,788 --> 00:03:16,159 We suck except Bart, so give him the stupid puck 80 00:03:16,159 --> 00:03:18,664 and then shut our stupid mouths, you stupid pukes. 81 00:03:18,664 --> 00:03:21,102 Yeah, good job, uh, kid who ain't Bart. 82 00:03:21,102 --> 00:03:23,239 Now let's go watch Bart do this! 83 00:03:23,239 --> 00:03:25,845 (cheering) 84 00:03:25,845 --> 00:03:27,882 ♪ 85 00:03:38,671 --> 00:03:40,775 (scoreboard buzzes) 86 00:03:40,775 --> 00:03:42,812 (cheering) 87 00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:45,718 Oh, you're so done, Toot. 88 00:03:45,718 --> 00:03:47,589 (whoops) 89 00:03:47,589 --> 00:03:50,093 (laughter) 90 00:03:50,093 --> 00:03:52,599 (indistinct chatter) 91 00:03:52,599 --> 00:03:54,468 (whispering) 92 00:03:56,874 --> 00:03:58,042 (grunts) 93 00:03:58,042 --> 00:04:02,251 Ow, ow, ow, ow, ouch... 94 00:04:02,251 --> 00:04:05,792 Oops. My biggest guy took out your scorer. 95 00:04:05,792 --> 00:04:09,465 Hey, feel free to retaliate with your biggest kid. 96 00:04:09,465 --> 00:04:11,537 Hmm. 97 00:04:11,537 --> 00:04:14,943 Put me in, Coach. I'll rip him limb from limb. 98 00:04:14,943 --> 00:04:17,414 (grunting) 99 00:04:17,414 --> 00:04:19,285 Let me at him. (grunts) 100 00:04:21,824 --> 00:04:23,828 (grunting) 101 00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:28,771 - The net ate my hockey cookie. - (audience cheering) 102 00:04:28,771 --> 00:04:30,675 (crying) 103 00:04:31,643 --> 00:04:34,014 (buzzes) 104 00:04:34,014 --> 00:04:36,252 (groaning) 105 00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:45,905 Wha... 106 00:04:45,905 --> 00:04:47,341 (gasps) 107 00:04:48,143 --> 00:04:49,579 (grunts) 108 00:04:49,579 --> 00:04:52,685 Oh, thank heavens. An adult has arrived to help me. 109 00:04:52,685 --> 00:04:54,956 No, no, no. I'm just here to observe. 110 00:04:54,956 --> 00:04:56,192 (grunts) 111 00:04:56,192 --> 00:04:58,396 Uh, how would you like to play hockey? 112 00:04:58,396 --> 00:05:00,501 Haw-haw... key? 113 00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,337 It's the most messed-up sport in the world. 114 00:05:02,337 --> 00:05:04,743 It's like a prison riot but with less rules. 115 00:05:04,743 --> 00:05:08,116 And you, you would play the best position of all-- 116 00:05:08,116 --> 00:05:09,653 the goon. 117 00:05:09,653 --> 00:05:11,022 Goon... 118 00:05:11,022 --> 00:05:12,224 Pretty word. 119 00:05:12,224 --> 00:05:13,828 What it mean? 120 00:05:13,828 --> 00:05:17,902 It's that sweet spot between a thug and an enforcer. 121 00:05:17,902 --> 00:05:20,608 Anyone who comes near the best players on the team, 122 00:05:20,608 --> 00:05:22,612 the goon turns their face into mustard. 123 00:05:22,612 --> 00:05:25,551 (chuckles) You're exactly what my team needs. 124 00:05:25,551 --> 00:05:27,722 Team? I don't do teams. 125 00:05:27,722 --> 00:05:29,058 Sorry. 126 00:05:29,058 --> 00:05:30,628 Not my pierogies! 127 00:05:30,628 --> 00:05:33,499 My Oma makes them but once a week. 128 00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:36,105 (groans) I got to deal with this. 129 00:05:36,105 --> 00:05:37,542 Nah, I get it. 130 00:05:37,542 --> 00:05:39,713 People look at scuzzes like us like we got the plague. 131 00:05:39,713 --> 00:05:42,919 Which, when I did, it weren't even bubonic. 132 00:05:42,919 --> 00:05:46,125 Our schedule, in case you change your mind, there. 133 00:05:46,125 --> 00:05:47,461 Maybe we'll both find out 134 00:05:47,461 --> 00:05:49,231 what it feels like to be winners. 135 00:05:49,231 --> 00:05:51,369 - (grunting) - Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. 136 00:05:56,178 --> 00:05:58,049 Full steam ahead, lads. 137 00:05:58,049 --> 00:05:59,351 We make for the goal, 138 00:05:59,351 --> 00:06:01,990 and damn their neutral zone trap. 139 00:06:01,990 --> 00:06:03,594 (laughing) 140 00:06:03,594 --> 00:06:06,567 Oh, another weekend murdered by kids' sports. 141 00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,336 How come this is the only league in the world 142 00:06:08,336 --> 00:06:10,273 without a labor dispute? 143 00:06:10,273 --> 00:06:11,944 Unionize, cowards! 144 00:06:11,944 --> 00:06:13,479 SEA CAPTAIN: Yarr! 145 00:06:13,479 --> 00:06:16,419 (grunts) I'm getting killed out there! 146 00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:18,423 So you get a little dinged up. 147 00:06:18,423 --> 00:06:20,895 You ever seen the children's wing at the hospital? 148 00:06:20,895 --> 00:06:23,399 They got murals on the walls. You'll love it. 149 00:06:23,399 --> 00:06:26,540 Everywhere you look-- rainbow, rainbow, rainbow. 150 00:06:26,540 --> 00:06:28,309 The whole league knows all they have to do 151 00:06:28,309 --> 00:06:29,879 is beat me up and they win. 152 00:06:29,879 --> 00:06:31,883 Yeah, you're right, it's hopeless. 153 00:06:31,883 --> 00:06:34,421 There ain't nobody who's gonna walk into this rink 154 00:06:34,421 --> 00:06:36,158 and turn me into a winner. 155 00:06:36,158 --> 00:06:38,062 No how, no when. 156 00:06:38,062 --> 00:06:41,168 Did somebody order a psycho? 157 00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:42,137 Oh. 158 00:06:42,137 --> 00:06:43,406 Where do you want me, Crotch? 159 00:06:43,406 --> 00:06:45,578 Uh, it-it's "coach." But just get out there. 160 00:06:45,578 --> 00:06:47,582 Get out there and do your thing. 161 00:06:48,349 --> 00:06:49,853 (grunts) 162 00:06:49,853 --> 00:06:52,792 ♪ 163 00:07:00,006 --> 00:07:02,077 (buzzing) 164 00:07:02,077 --> 00:07:03,313 - We won! - We did it! 165 00:07:03,313 --> 00:07:04,516 - Oh, my gosh! - (cheering) 166 00:07:04,516 --> 00:07:06,753 - My life has meaning! - (blowing whistle) 167 00:07:06,753 --> 00:07:09,158 As I've been screaming for the last 15 minutes, 168 00:07:09,158 --> 00:07:12,497 - all players must be wearing skates. - Oh, come on. 169 00:07:12,497 --> 00:07:13,968 There's no way that that... 170 00:07:13,968 --> 00:07:15,370 Oh, there it is. 171 00:07:15,370 --> 00:07:17,542 Rule number one: "No cafeteria trays." 172 00:07:17,542 --> 00:07:19,913 The Bar Flyers forfeit. The game is over. 173 00:07:19,913 --> 00:07:22,150 ALL: Aw! 174 00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,386 You said I'd get to win. 175 00:07:23,386 --> 00:07:26,560 All I did was make everyone else a loser, too. 176 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:30,534 Loser? No, no, you-you were amazing out there. 177 00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:33,741 - I was? - Kid, you are a natural born goon. 178 00:07:33,741 --> 00:07:37,280 A real diamond in the urinal. All you need is some training. 179 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:40,788 And I'm gonna make sure that you learn from the best. 180 00:07:42,090 --> 00:07:44,596 Welcome to Top Goon. 181 00:07:44,596 --> 00:07:45,865 It's beautiful. 182 00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:48,369 I'm gonna learn so hard, Moe. 183 00:07:48,369 --> 00:07:52,210 - I won't let you down. - I know you won't, kid. 184 00:07:53,847 --> 00:07:56,620 - What was that? - Oh, I just tousled your hair. 185 00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:59,091 Ain't nobody ever done that before? 186 00:07:59,091 --> 00:08:00,327 Uh... 187 00:08:00,327 --> 00:08:01,830 Keep going. 188 00:08:01,830 --> 00:08:04,536 Yeah, my arm's getting a little tired, here. 189 00:08:04,536 --> 00:08:07,074 - That's your problem. - (sighing): All right. 190 00:08:11,516 --> 00:08:13,520 Welcome to Top Goon. 191 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:14,989 I'd like to introduce you to your faculty, 192 00:08:14,989 --> 00:08:17,562 the most feared men to ever lace 'em up. 193 00:08:17,562 --> 00:08:19,365 Dave "The Hammer" Schultz. 194 00:08:19,365 --> 00:08:20,668 That's just a nickname. 195 00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:23,707 My given name is David "The Hammer" Schultz. 196 00:08:23,707 --> 00:08:25,745 Stu "The Grim Reaper" Grimson. 197 00:08:25,745 --> 00:08:28,216 I look sane, but trust me, I'm not. 198 00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,351 You'll see. 199 00:08:29,351 --> 00:08:31,355 (growly): You'll all see. 200 00:08:31,355 --> 00:08:32,759 And Tiger Williams. 201 00:08:32,759 --> 00:08:35,296 Your instructor for Basic Pummeling 202 00:08:35,296 --> 00:08:36,533 and, time permitting, 203 00:08:36,533 --> 00:08:39,038 The American Novel: 1930 to the Present. 204 00:08:39,038 --> 00:08:40,006 (growls) 205 00:08:40,006 --> 00:08:43,146 As a goon, you have one job on the ice: 206 00:08:43,146 --> 00:08:45,383 protect your team's best scorer. 207 00:08:45,383 --> 00:08:48,189 We call that person your "primary." 208 00:08:48,189 --> 00:08:51,730 This is the most important person in your life. 209 00:08:51,730 --> 00:08:54,101 Who's the best scorer on your team, Muntz? 210 00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:57,441 - Bart Simpson. - Then Bart Simpson is your primary. 211 00:08:57,441 --> 00:08:59,344 Don't forget it. 212 00:08:59,344 --> 00:09:02,484 - Who do we protect? - ALL: Our primary. 213 00:09:02,484 --> 00:09:04,656 And what do we do for our primary? 214 00:09:04,656 --> 00:09:06,158 ALL: Protect them. 215 00:09:06,158 --> 00:09:07,862 And who do we protect? 216 00:09:09,164 --> 00:09:10,500 Our primary? 217 00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:12,237 This kid's good. 218 00:09:12,237 --> 00:09:14,642 ("The Hockey Song" by Stompin' Tom Connors playing) 219 00:09:17,013 --> 00:09:19,819 ♪ Hello out there, we're on the air ♪ 220 00:09:19,819 --> 00:09:21,523 ♪ It's hockey night tonight ♪ 221 00:09:21,523 --> 00:09:24,061 ♪ Tension grows, the whistle blows ♪ 222 00:09:24,061 --> 00:09:26,232 ♪ And the puck goes down the ice ♪ 223 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,837 ♪ The goalie jumps and the players bump ♪ 224 00:09:28,837 --> 00:09:31,075 ♪ And the fans all go insane ♪ 225 00:09:31,075 --> 00:09:33,580 ♪ Someone roars, "Bobby scores!" ♪ 226 00:09:33,580 --> 00:09:35,584 ♪ At the good ol' hockey game ♪ 227 00:09:35,584 --> 00:09:37,789 ♪ Oh, the good ol' hockey game ♪ 228 00:09:37,789 --> 00:09:39,959 ♪ Is the best game you can name ♪ 229 00:09:39,959 --> 00:09:43,032 ♪ And the best game you can name ♪ 230 00:09:43,032 --> 00:09:44,602 ♪ Is the good ol' hockey game. ♪ 231 00:09:44,602 --> 00:09:46,840 (groans) 232 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:47,842 Mm... 233 00:09:49,044 --> 00:09:51,115 Aw... 234 00:09:51,115 --> 00:09:53,052 Huh? 235 00:09:53,052 --> 00:09:54,421 Hey, sorry I'm late. 236 00:09:54,421 --> 00:09:56,091 I couldn't unlock the Maps app. 237 00:09:56,091 --> 00:09:59,532 (chuckling): My phone don't recognize my face as a face. 238 00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:01,603 I can't believe you came! 239 00:10:01,603 --> 00:10:03,941 I wouldn't miss this for my own mother's funeral. 240 00:10:03,941 --> 00:10:06,412 I made that choice and I'm good with it. 241 00:10:06,412 --> 00:10:08,483 Hey, Moe. How's it going? 242 00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,153 You know these guys? 243 00:10:10,153 --> 00:10:12,959 I used to be the bartender in the penalty box 244 00:10:12,959 --> 00:10:14,762 at the Philadelphia Spectrum. 245 00:10:14,762 --> 00:10:17,033 (chuckles) My tip jar was full of teeth. 246 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:20,206 I got Phil Esposito's whole mouth somewheres. 247 00:10:20,206 --> 00:10:21,408 ♪ 248 00:10:21,408 --> 00:10:23,981 Muntz, recite the goon code. 249 00:10:23,981 --> 00:10:26,485 I am a goon. I protect my primary. 250 00:10:26,485 --> 00:10:28,524 And... that's pretty much it. 251 00:10:28,524 --> 00:10:32,532 Nelson Muntz, you've out-thugged every gorilla in your class. 252 00:10:32,532 --> 00:10:35,236 You are... Top Goon! 253 00:10:35,236 --> 00:10:37,240 ♪ 254 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,785 I did... not bad? 255 00:10:42,785 --> 00:10:44,288 Hey, you did more than that. 256 00:10:44,288 --> 00:10:45,524 You did not horrible. 257 00:10:45,524 --> 00:10:49,766 Now come on, I got a graduation present lined up for youse. 258 00:10:50,668 --> 00:10:53,105 From up here, the wads look like ants. 259 00:10:53,105 --> 00:10:55,578 Hey, you-you want to drop pickled eggs on them? 260 00:10:55,578 --> 00:10:57,113 Sure! 261 00:10:58,049 --> 00:10:59,953 Yeah, Duff lets me use their blimp 262 00:10:59,953 --> 00:11:03,059 'cause I buy up all the beer that the employees drown in. 263 00:11:03,059 --> 00:11:05,998 Pretty sweet for a couple of scuzzes. 264 00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:08,737 Yeah, it's a big world down there, kid. 265 00:11:08,737 --> 00:11:10,206 And when its back is turned, 266 00:11:10,206 --> 00:11:13,112 you can steal anything you want from it. 267 00:11:13,112 --> 00:11:15,250 Oh, that egg just hit a cop's horse. 268 00:11:15,250 --> 00:11:17,153 Floor it, Jimmy! Floor it! 269 00:11:17,153 --> 00:11:19,358 (revving) 270 00:11:20,661 --> 00:11:22,899 (moaning) 271 00:11:26,506 --> 00:11:28,209 Great. I have to drive 50 miles 272 00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:30,948 to spend my entire weekend freezing my ass off. 273 00:11:30,948 --> 00:11:34,354 Stone-cold sober, sitting in seats with no backs, 274 00:11:34,354 --> 00:11:38,296 making awkward conversation with dads who share way too much 275 00:11:38,296 --> 00:11:39,799 about their marriages... 276 00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:42,505 I told Sarah when we got married, "I am a foot guy." 277 00:11:42,505 --> 00:11:44,709 Please guess the one part of the body 278 00:11:44,709 --> 00:11:46,813 she just doesn't moisturize? 279 00:11:46,813 --> 00:11:48,750 Seriously, guess. Guess! 280 00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,856 - Please, just guess. - Oh... 281 00:11:56,198 --> 00:12:00,039 Nelson, could I interest you in a little skate? 282 00:12:00,039 --> 00:12:03,145 (groans) I could stretch my legs. 283 00:12:05,450 --> 00:12:06,620 (thudding) 284 00:12:06,620 --> 00:12:09,324 Bart's my primary. I protect my primary. 285 00:12:09,324 --> 00:12:12,965 What happened here is a result of your actions. 286 00:12:17,173 --> 00:12:18,944 (scoreboard buzzes) 287 00:12:18,944 --> 00:12:21,850 Wow. Your kid's got real talent. 288 00:12:21,850 --> 00:12:23,954 No-game recognize game, yo. 289 00:12:23,954 --> 00:12:27,127 Shut up! Shut up, all of you! Don't you see? 290 00:12:27,127 --> 00:12:29,498 There's nothing worse than your kid being 291 00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:30,868 so amazing at something 292 00:12:30,868 --> 00:12:33,840 you can't blow it off! 293 00:12:34,642 --> 00:12:36,880 So, what's your old lady's 294 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:38,750 footwear situation at night? 295 00:12:38,750 --> 00:12:40,754 Uh, socks? 296 00:12:40,754 --> 00:12:42,223 No socks? 297 00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,471 All right, all right, tomorrow is the finals. 298 00:12:49,471 --> 00:12:51,910 (whoops) Hockey's gonna be over! 299 00:12:51,910 --> 00:12:54,348 - If we win, it's on to the regionals. - D'oh! 300 00:12:54,348 --> 00:12:55,651 - Then states. - D'oh! 301 00:12:55,651 --> 00:12:57,087 - Tri-states. - D'oh! 302 00:12:57,087 --> 00:12:59,358 Quad-states, nationals, and then tri-nationals. 303 00:12:59,358 --> 00:13:01,195 (moaning) 304 00:13:01,195 --> 00:13:03,466 But first, we take on King Toots' team. 305 00:13:03,466 --> 00:13:06,940 The same puck-nuts what humiliated us the last time. 306 00:13:06,940 --> 00:13:08,810 But I know we're gonna win this game, 307 00:13:08,810 --> 00:13:12,050 because we got our little hotshot MVP. 308 00:13:12,050 --> 00:13:14,889 That's right, our Most Violent Puncher. 309 00:13:14,889 --> 00:13:16,559 - Nelson Muntz. - (gasps) - Huh? 310 00:13:17,628 --> 00:13:18,630 (Bart grumbles) 311 00:13:18,630 --> 00:13:20,934 (cheering) 312 00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,507 I score every goal on this team. 313 00:13:26,111 --> 00:13:29,051 - (phone chimes) - And who the hell is texting me? 314 00:13:29,051 --> 00:13:32,157 "Estee Dionne Malip?" 315 00:13:32,157 --> 00:13:34,829 Uh, does anybody know what this, uh, 316 00:13:34,829 --> 00:13:36,966 "Estee Dionne Malip" is about? 317 00:13:36,966 --> 00:13:39,672 Hey, I'm dealing with an Estee Dionne Malip? 318 00:13:39,672 --> 00:13:42,878 Anybody? I don't even know who the hell I got this from. 319 00:13:42,878 --> 00:13:45,450 (groans) I'm just gonna send it to my junk. 320 00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:47,320 (laughing) 321 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,792 What? What is-what is funny about that? 322 00:13:49,792 --> 00:13:51,996 - (laughing) - (grunts) 323 00:13:51,996 --> 00:13:53,900 Show some respect to Coach. 324 00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:56,438 Why? His car is a converted washing machine 325 00:13:56,438 --> 00:13:58,209 and his wallet is a rat trap. 326 00:13:59,712 --> 00:14:01,816 - (snaps) - (groaning) Aah! 327 00:14:01,816 --> 00:14:03,754 (laughing) 328 00:14:03,754 --> 00:14:05,624 Simpson's dead. 329 00:14:05,624 --> 00:14:09,899 Bart Simpson is your primary. Bart Simpson is your primary. 330 00:14:09,899 --> 00:14:12,638 (chuckling): Oh, he is such a scuzz. 331 00:14:12,638 --> 00:14:14,141 So am I. 332 00:14:14,141 --> 00:14:16,880 You're not my primary. He is. 333 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:19,786 - (grunts) - Ow! 334 00:14:19,786 --> 00:14:20,788 (gasping) 335 00:14:20,788 --> 00:14:23,426 (panting) 336 00:14:23,426 --> 00:14:25,129 - (groaning) - Doc, is he gonna be all right? 337 00:14:25,129 --> 00:14:29,839 Yes. But I'm afraid his travel hockey season is over. 338 00:14:33,613 --> 00:14:35,617 (muffled grunt) 339 00:14:35,617 --> 00:14:37,420 (Homer whoops) 340 00:14:38,389 --> 00:14:39,992 (moaning) 341 00:14:41,295 --> 00:14:44,736 What... what have you done? Bart was our only chance to win. 342 00:14:44,736 --> 00:14:47,307 You were supposed to protect your primary! 343 00:14:47,307 --> 00:14:49,111 I... I was. 344 00:14:49,111 --> 00:14:51,448 Like hell you was. Why'd I ever believe in you? 345 00:14:51,448 --> 00:14:53,954 Y-You're just a fist. Nothing more. 346 00:14:53,954 --> 00:14:55,524 Get off of my team! 347 00:14:55,524 --> 00:14:56,826 (gulps) 348 00:14:56,826 --> 00:14:59,397 Don't look at me. I'm not crying! 349 00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,203 (sobbing) 350 00:15:03,339 --> 00:15:04,642 (grunts) 351 00:15:09,017 --> 00:15:13,058 I just feel like "hockey team" is still a smidge too big. 352 00:15:13,058 --> 00:15:15,329 Do you have any smaller letters? 353 00:15:16,198 --> 00:15:19,471 I'm no goon. I'm just a fist. 354 00:15:21,743 --> 00:15:24,381 And this last stop in hell 355 00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:26,151 is where I belong. 356 00:15:26,953 --> 00:15:28,557 (inhales, exhales) 357 00:15:31,261 --> 00:15:33,533 ♪ 358 00:15:34,869 --> 00:15:36,371 Afternoon there, ma'am. 359 00:15:36,371 --> 00:15:37,808 Uh, I'm Moe Szysl... 360 00:15:37,808 --> 00:15:39,211 Yeah, can you hurry it up? 361 00:15:39,211 --> 00:15:42,383 I got to eat this when it's fresh off the zapper. 362 00:15:42,383 --> 00:15:43,486 It's about your kid. 363 00:15:43,486 --> 00:15:45,858 I was his hockey coach and I yelled some stuff 364 00:15:45,858 --> 00:15:47,962 that might have kicked his heart in the plums. 365 00:15:47,962 --> 00:15:50,066 Oh, so you're Coach Sizzle-slacks, 366 00:15:50,066 --> 00:15:52,370 the guy he calls his primary. 367 00:15:52,370 --> 00:15:55,143 What? Nelson thinks I'm his primary? 368 00:15:55,143 --> 00:15:57,380 - You sure about this? - Yup. 369 00:15:57,380 --> 00:16:00,721 He yelled the whole story at the window dog. 370 00:16:00,721 --> 00:16:02,390 (growling) 371 00:16:02,390 --> 00:16:04,829 Nelson wasn't being a psycho towards Bart. 372 00:16:04,829 --> 00:16:07,167 He was being a goon for me. 373 00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:08,503 Do you know where he went? 374 00:16:08,503 --> 00:16:10,974 He said something about walking the streets. 375 00:16:10,974 --> 00:16:13,580 Coming to a fateful decision or whatnot. 376 00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:15,116 Eh. Kid stuff. 377 00:16:15,116 --> 00:16:17,487 I got to find him before he does something crazy. 378 00:16:19,659 --> 00:16:20,961 Nelson Muntz. 379 00:16:20,961 --> 00:16:23,365 Your reputation precedes you. 380 00:16:23,365 --> 00:16:26,071 I hear you're a dingus to be respected. 381 00:16:26,071 --> 00:16:28,108 I'm just a fist with no code. 382 00:16:28,108 --> 00:16:30,881 Figure I'll be working for you sooner or later, 383 00:16:30,881 --> 00:16:33,452 so why not get it over with? 384 00:16:36,291 --> 00:16:39,497 I have a gift for smelling out good henchmen. 385 00:16:39,497 --> 00:16:40,567 (sniffing) 386 00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:43,272 I'm getting hints of barely-suppressed rage 387 00:16:43,272 --> 00:16:45,476 with top notes of "nothing matters" and... 388 00:16:45,476 --> 00:16:46,746 (sniffing) 389 00:16:46,746 --> 00:16:50,286 ...a deep finish of abandonment by a male role model. 390 00:16:50,286 --> 00:16:53,025 Smell all you want. It won't fix anything. 391 00:16:53,025 --> 00:16:54,227 Just tell me who to hurt. 392 00:16:54,227 --> 00:16:56,331 Want me to get him a lead pipe? 393 00:16:56,331 --> 00:17:00,541 Let's start him out easy. PVC. 394 00:17:06,084 --> 00:17:08,557 How you doing, son? Can you move? 395 00:17:08,557 --> 00:17:10,527 A little, but it hurts. 396 00:17:10,527 --> 00:17:11,963 I meant can you move off the couch. 397 00:17:11,963 --> 00:17:15,537 I'm about to enjoy my first hockey-free weekend in months. 398 00:17:15,537 --> 00:17:17,641 Ooh, hockey! 399 00:17:17,641 --> 00:17:19,779 (grunting) 400 00:17:20,714 --> 00:17:23,853 Homer, get up. You and Bart are gonna be late. 401 00:17:23,853 --> 00:17:26,191 What? He's useless. Doc said so. 402 00:17:26,191 --> 00:17:29,030 He can't play any sport that I have to drive him to. 403 00:17:29,030 --> 00:17:31,936 He has physical therapy, and the only place 404 00:17:31,936 --> 00:17:35,309 that takes our insurance is three hours away. 405 00:17:35,309 --> 00:17:38,282 If they ask, Bart is a veteran. 406 00:17:38,282 --> 00:17:39,652 Oh... 407 00:17:42,423 --> 00:17:44,729 Mr. Mayor, I believe you know the founder 408 00:17:44,729 --> 00:17:48,803 of this vaguely-purposed yet tax-exempt charity, 409 00:17:48,803 --> 00:17:50,707 my goomar. 410 00:17:50,707 --> 00:17:54,080 Mistresses are the lifeblood of our community. 411 00:17:58,255 --> 00:18:00,627 Private event. No pictures. 412 00:18:01,428 --> 00:18:04,334 Well done, Nelly No-Sleeves. 413 00:18:05,938 --> 00:18:07,608 If you'll excuse me, 414 00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:10,747 my men and I have some perfectly innocent business 415 00:18:10,747 --> 00:18:14,054 to attend to in the back room. 416 00:18:14,054 --> 00:18:16,425 God bless back rooms. 417 00:18:17,695 --> 00:18:18,830 You know why you're here. 418 00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:22,738 You borrow money from me, I expect to be repaid. 419 00:18:22,738 --> 00:18:25,677 Time to make your bones. 420 00:18:25,677 --> 00:18:27,548 NELSON: Lead. 421 00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:31,088 This is all I am. 422 00:18:31,088 --> 00:18:32,658 MOE: Stop! 423 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,733 Nelson, listen to me before you done did something 424 00:18:36,733 --> 00:18:37,768 you can't done undid. 425 00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:40,106 Whoever's under that hood don't deserve this. 426 00:18:40,106 --> 00:18:42,678 - They're a human being. - Moe! 427 00:18:42,678 --> 00:18:45,751 Aw, thank you, old buddy. (weak chuckle) 428 00:18:45,751 --> 00:18:47,721 Oh, not youse! 429 00:18:47,721 --> 00:18:49,124 You got to help me out. 430 00:18:49,124 --> 00:18:51,161 I only borrowed money from the mafia 431 00:18:51,161 --> 00:18:53,465 to buy fake birth certificates for teenagers 432 00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:55,671 so they could play ten-and-under hockey. 433 00:18:55,671 --> 00:18:58,910 No one deserves a Kansas City knee job more than this guy, 434 00:18:58,910 --> 00:19:00,313 but that don't matter none. 435 00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:03,385 You swing that pipe, that's your soul on the line. 436 00:19:03,385 --> 00:19:05,389 You're wasting your time, "Coach." 437 00:19:05,389 --> 00:19:08,162 You said it yourself: I'm just a fist. 438 00:19:08,162 --> 00:19:10,166 I know, and that's how I saw youse at first. 439 00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:11,536 As a weapon. 440 00:19:11,536 --> 00:19:12,705 I was using you, 441 00:19:12,705 --> 00:19:15,510 because I was obsessed with beating King Toot here. 442 00:19:15,510 --> 00:19:18,349 I knew it. I'm in your head, bro. 443 00:19:18,349 --> 00:19:21,622 Feed him his own mustache! No, wait. Don't, don't. 444 00:19:21,622 --> 00:19:23,526 Listen to me. You're a great kid. 445 00:19:23,526 --> 00:19:27,200 You're determined, selfless, a real teammate... 446 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,172 And you did for me what I failed to do for you. 447 00:19:30,172 --> 00:19:32,911 You had my back, scuzz to scuzz. 448 00:19:35,650 --> 00:19:37,053 Aw. (chuckles) 449 00:19:37,053 --> 00:19:38,155 I don't know. 450 00:19:38,155 --> 00:19:41,294 Sometimes, boss, I think you only see me as a knife. 451 00:19:41,294 --> 00:19:42,564 Did you know I got dreams? 452 00:19:42,564 --> 00:19:44,935 I want to open a gourmet mac and cheese place 453 00:19:44,935 --> 00:19:46,438 called Louie's Gooey. 454 00:19:46,438 --> 00:19:48,777 And I'm learning Swedish on a phone app. 455 00:19:48,777 --> 00:19:50,747 But I'm just a gun to you. 456 00:19:50,747 --> 00:19:53,953 Gentlemen, I don't see you as weapons. 457 00:19:55,857 --> 00:19:57,761 (crying) 458 00:19:58,963 --> 00:20:01,569 Freaking millennials. 459 00:20:01,569 --> 00:20:05,176 Hockey's over, but maybe we could still do stuff. 460 00:20:05,176 --> 00:20:08,115 You know, like throw turtles at birds? 461 00:20:08,115 --> 00:20:09,852 Any time you want, kid. 462 00:20:09,852 --> 00:20:11,723 But whatever we do, from now on, 463 00:20:11,723 --> 00:20:14,695 let's leave the violence behind, uh? 464 00:20:14,695 --> 00:20:17,100 (grunts) Aah! 465 00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,638 Ah. There you go, kid. 466 00:20:19,638 --> 00:20:22,043 - You earned that. - No, I haven't. 467 00:20:22,043 --> 00:20:24,648 And that's what makes it all the sweeter. 468 00:20:24,648 --> 00:20:26,118 ("Through the Fire" by Larry Greene playing) 469 00:20:26,118 --> 00:20:29,023 ♪ Through the fire ♪ 470 00:20:29,023 --> 00:20:31,428 ♪ To the wire ♪ 471 00:20:32,363 --> 00:20:35,369 ♪ When the night out of control ♪ 472 00:20:35,369 --> 00:20:38,308 ♪ Is breaking your heart ♪ 473 00:20:38,308 --> 00:20:40,947 ♪ Through the fire ♪ 474 00:20:40,947 --> 00:20:42,751 ♪ Through the fire. ♪ 475 00:20:42,751 --> 00:20:43,953 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 476 00:20:43,953 --> 00:20:44,955 and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 477 00:20:44,955 --> 00:20:45,957 and TOYOTA. 478 00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:52,604 Slower... 479 00:20:52,604 --> 00:20:54,875 slower... great. 480 00:20:54,875 --> 00:20:58,817 Okay, do another hundred, each one way less fast. 481 00:20:58,817 --> 00:20:59,685 Oh... 482 00:20:59,685 --> 00:21:01,656 Now, with three sessions a week... 483 00:21:01,656 --> 00:21:04,628 - Oh... - for the next four months... 484 00:21:04,628 --> 00:21:05,664 Oh! 485 00:21:05,664 --> 00:21:07,568 ...we can have you ready just in time 486 00:21:07,568 --> 00:21:10,239 for the start of baseball season. 487 00:21:10,239 --> 00:21:11,843 D'oh. 488 00:21:12,678 --> 00:21:15,382 ♪ Oh, the good ol' hockey game ♪ 489 00:21:15,382 --> 00:21:17,688 ♪ Is the best game you can name ♪ 490 00:21:17,688 --> 00:21:20,192 ♪ And the best game you can name ♪ 491 00:21:20,192 --> 00:21:23,900 ♪ Is the good ol' hockey game ♪ 492 00:21:26,071 --> 00:21:27,508 ♪ It's in! ♪ 493 00:21:27,508 --> 00:21:28,810 - He shoots, he scores! ♪ - (cheering) 494 00:21:28,810 --> 00:21:30,012 ♪ Henderson scores for Canada! ♪ 495 00:21:30,012 --> 00:21:31,682 Shh! 496 00:21:33,786 --> 00:21:36,024 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 33178

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