Original subtitles

One to 17. One 1017.

Then the kissing scene in Paris.

Repeat, one to 17, one to 17.

Then the kissing scene in Paris.

The one to 17, one to 17.

About ten seconds.

Harris just before one.

One to 17. I'm nearly there.

Hey, don't bother. I can walk.

You'd be safer if I drive you. Excuse me.

One to 17 in one minute.

We're driving to 17. I don't want anything to happen to you.

For insurance reasons.

It's three yards, what could possibly happen?

Can you watch it with your damn baguettes, please?

-I just want you to be well. - I prefer to walk.

I can do this myself, thanks.

Okay. Alone.

I see. Okay, we'll do it like that.

Alone...

Harris here, on the way to 17.

About 20 seconds.

And one still on the way to 17, another 10 seconds.

One to 17, slight delay.

One keeps going.

And we...

are there.

Hey, I'm guessing he needs two minutes as usual.

Why so long? Rehearsal is running late.

No idea. What did he eat?

Chicken with broccoli, as usual.

Maybe he has an upset stomach. Then we'll have to go to the doctor.

Plus, we're shooting 34 later, the love scene.

What if he needs to puke then?

It'll be a huge mess if he pukes on the actress.

We'd need to clean that up.

You're right, I better go in.

One ready for rehearsal. We're getting ready to shoot.

Guys, get ready to shoot. Let's go.

LOVE THING

-Marvin. -Marvin.

Well?

Hey, a quick, important question, tell me...

Am I still a feminist

if I watch "Bang Bus" for masturbation purposes?

-"Bang Bus"? -Yes.

Okay, I look forward to the storyline.

Well...

There's a bus with horny guys,

and it's going round the country, and the leader...

runs around outside, grabs a passer-by and bangs her.

Maybe you want a Neanderthal to drag you into his bus.

-How long since you last had sex? -Oh.

I hope it doesn't grow over like pierced earlobes do.

You're so silly.

Maybe I'm just into buses.

Ever since we haven't been able to afford bus tickets.

How much is still in there?

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Come on over here.

Want a treat?

Here, look. Want to have a steak with me later?

I have to work, then I have time.

Abi, who are you talking to? I just called you.

-No one. -Here are your press clothes.

Chatting with the dog? You're turning into a potato.

He says he loves me and that I'm special.

How about a woman for a change? Those creatures who lie at your feet.

He has the wickedest life and wastes it.

I don't want a hookup who'll take nude pics of me in secret.

Oh God. Still traumatized by willy-gate?

Your ugly nuts had two million clicks in five minutes.

- I hate you when you talk like that. -You don't have a girlfriend.

But I'm working my butt off. That's the difference, my friend.

What about our sweet Sammy here?

Whose last snog was in the 18th century. With fat Kevin from the kiosk.

-You bossed him around. -Was he lisping during the kiss?

I don't need a guy, okay? You two are enough of a pain.

But it's okay too. None of us is having any luck.

As superheroes, we'd be the "Unfuckables".

You maybe. I'm having luck.

The cousin of a friend, you don't know her, she's coming tonight.

And she's bringing a friend.

"Cousin" means he stalked someone on Instagram.

Can we put some more people on the guest list?

You're "plus two" on the list.

-So now "plus three", or what? -Well...

Plus 30, more like.

Same shit every time.

I might have talked about it in my neighborhood.

-I've got egg on my face if you deny me. -Come on, Sammy.

Little Joe here has a reputation to lose.

Okay, I surrender.

"Hakan plus 30 cousins."

-There you go. -Can we cancel Bamberger?

She'll only ask me what my dream woman looks like.

Okay, Abi, I get you.

But you made a film. Tonight's the premiere.

And they all want to know how great it is and how great you are.

-Okay? -If only that were the case.

Hey.

Today is his birthday, by the way.

Do you think of him?

Yes, I do.

But what are we supposed to do?

Stop beating yourself up.

If I didn't know it's a German thing, I'd say you'll get depressed.

I get depressed when I think of your sex life, okay?

Okay, off to the zoo.

See you.

DREAM GUY

What? I'm starving.

Listen up, people. I'm Hakan. I'm Marvin's best friend.

And if some of you are lacking in the technology department,

I run the sickest cell phone shop in Neukölln.

Hello, we spoke on the phone. I'm...

-Hello, I'm... -Bettina Bamberger

-"The Big Interview on Sunday". -Right.

If you ever want to interview the friend behind the stars, I'm in.

You are a disgrace. We stick to the agreement, yes?

No private questions and he won't talk about the nude pics.

-Of course. Don't worry, it'll be tame. -Good.

-Hello, I'm Bettina's assistant. -Samira.

Since you're free to shake hands I'm guessing my coffee is ready, Markus?

-Coffee. -See you.

-Hello. -Hi, Ferda from the distributor.

Hi. This is Benni, Manuela, Milka, Sascha and Steffi.

-Nice to meet you. -Oh, sorry.

Hello, I'm Ulrike, or Ulki. We'll be doing the "Kinoboom" interview.

I have my team with me for the social media clips.

-Franzi, Berti and Jamila. -Hi, hello.

-Can we take a picture? -Standing up, right?

Yes, sure. There's Robert.

Not from below. I'll look like an exploded dumpling.

-Hello, dream guy. -Hello.

Hey, may I ask you a tricky question beforehand?

No questions that haven't been agreed on.

A little bit of variety might be good, right?

Well, your new film "Dream Guy" starts in theaters on Thursday.

What would your dream woman be like?

Shall we talk about something else?

Our female viewers are interested in your love life.

It'd be interesting to talk about

how the script came about or what the shoot was like,

with colleagues, some of whom have acted on major theater stages.

Well, unknown theater actors aren't so interesting.

But is a well-known actor worth more?

This is getting philosophical.

Let's talk about other people then.

Are the butter truffles still coming?

Is there someone special in your life?

Our female viewers haven't seen you with a woman in a long time.

What's going on with you and love?

Sorry.

Do we want to continue at this level?

I have good news for you, Mr. Bosch.

In terms of the level... I'm adaptable.

Up and down. Where would you like it?

- I think we'll take a break now. -Let's get off the beaten track.

That makes it more interesting for me too.

-Okay. -Yes?

-Now I'm curious. -Fine.

One moment, please, Bettina. The sound is rustling.

-Stick with the shit we agreed on. -It's an interview.

-Not open-heart surgery. -Okay.

But there's nothing I can do once it's underway.

-Good news, the sound is back on. -Wonderful.

Are rumors to be believed

that your film partner, the beautiful Saskia Dobrian...

is an alcoholic?

Oh, that's nonsense, of course.

I thought I'd ask directly. You should know about this.

Yes, according to our latest research, your father was an alcoholic.

You did extra research for that? You wanted to change the level.

You come from Neukölln, a pretty tough area in Berlin.

When you were nine years old, your mother died of cancer.

I'm very sorry, Mr. Bosch.

And what's the question?

How was that for you?

How was it when my mother died? Seriously?

What's it like to be all alone in the world, Mr. Bosch?

He wasn't alone.

He had us. We were his family, so to speak.

You couldn't help her, and I would understand

you becoming a bit of a delinquent.

I admit, I didn't pay for my Snickers a few times.

Guilty as charged.

And was it really just a Snickers? What else are you hiding?

Do you like taking on other roles so you can feel something?

-Ridiculous. -Would your mother be proud of you?

-That's enough, Ms. Bamberger. -What would she think of you today?

I need five minutes.

-Oh my God. -Rad. Is that him?

-Is that him? -Yes.

Can we have a selfie?

Listen, Marvin, my little birdie.

-This is very important now. -Okay.

When Child Protective Services call, don't tell them your dad drinks, okay?

Or they'll take you away when I'm gone.

Look at it this way, you get to tell a lie with my permission.

Cool, right?

Maybe I'm bored in paradise,

then I'll come see you every now and then.

And I'll check if you're a good boy.

But...

why do I need to be a good boy if it won't make you stay here?

Look.

This way, you're always with me. Come here.

Remember, only a man who has respect,

who doesn't let anyone down,

who never breaks the law, is a real man.

Will you be a real man, my little one?

Come here.

But how will you come visit me?

What is all this shit? Marvin!

Yes, but he must be somewhere, our girls' dream.

Markus, start with the post. I need close-ups of Marvin's face.

Everything is going on there. The rage. The hurt.

I know this kind of trash childhood. There's dirt to be dug up.

What if we have a sold out show tonight?

How many more times? With the rent increase, we can't do it.

Actually, we'll have to lay all of them off.

Either way, the lights will go out in three weeks at the latest.

Cucumber or seasoning salt with butter?

The organic cheese really is outrageously expensive right now.

-Rocco, a sandwich for you? -I'd love one.

There's only light in my fridge now.

-Wiebke? -Not for me. I feel sick.

-From the new damn antidepressants. -Hans?

Nope. I'm vegan again as of how.

I watched some animal protection videos.

-Zelda, don't give us any freebies. -It's just sandwiches.

How else could I thank you girls?

For me, there's only welfare or hell. Both are similar.

And you two, you're heaven.

Seasoning salt and butter.

I have one more surprise up my sleeve.

After the show, we'll have my magic mushroom tea. Already bottled.

It will blast through your happiness synapses.

But just half a cup each, I don't want you all to be too happy afterwards.

Well, that...

is always my worry too, that I'm too happy.

Oh God.

MARVIN, YOU'RE MY DREAM GUY

MR. BOSCH, MY HEART ONLY BEATS FOR YOU

-Marvin! -Want an autograph?

What for? To give it to my granny?

I'm waiting for Marvin.

Understandable. She'll keep going.

-We're waiting for tonight's star... -And here he is.

-...Marvin. -Jens, what's up, buddy?

-Rainer, we're waiting for Marvin. -For Marvin?

-That's right. -Yeah.

I love you!

WORLD PREMIERE - DREAM GUY

Oh God, he's actually doing the pistols.

- Can't watch. -Why doesn't anyone tell him?

-Oh God. -And now he's coming up.

-Isn't that Marvin? -Isn't that Marvin?

-Look. -No, it's not him.

Yes, it is him.

Samira, Samira.

Hey, you look like a million dollars. Amazing. My compliments.

Do you think Marvin is up for doing my fitness app with me"?

-Nowadays, it's all apps. -Well, Rainer...

If I can give you some advice, it's your app...

You're the star.

You should do it on your own.

Samira, thanks.

You're a real darling.

I'd like to stay, but my fans are waiting.

-So... -All right. Wow.

Yo, homie. Is Marvin on his way?

"Homie"? Seriously?

You know I'm a woman, right?

Excuse me...

We're not in a racist series

where Hakan and I do drug deals out of our kebab shop.

You go check if our actress isn't sloshed again,

and I think I've got a handle on this here.

-Yo. -Yo.

-Shut the door! -Hansjörg...

-Ouch, my extensions. -Go on, shut that door! Sorry, honey...

I'll be right there. I went for a walk.

-I'm just leaving. -All right. See you.

Bye.

CHRISTMAS PUSSY!

I have a question right away. Are you a woman men fall in love with?

Yes? And you? Are you the marrying type?

Maybe, I see. Nice.

Congrats, because I'm not.

Yes, I'm the personal low point in the life of a man.

Because I don't feel like having to explain to other people,

to men who have managed to get a degree,

how the clitoris works, or an orgasm.

What were those guys doing while I spent years

getting acquainted with a diversity of testicles?

Yes, that's sad.

That's why I invented something: the intercourse driver's license.

Yes. Yes.

I imagine it so. It has a theoretical and a practical test.

Let's picture the following scenario.

The guy is at yours, or you're at his,

and he opens his fly, so...

Meep. Question round. Where are my erogenous zones?

Where is the G-spot and how long is the female cycle?

Additional question for a blow job? Who or what is progesterone?

Yes.

Theoretical test passed, let's go on with the practical part.

The candidate in question is asked to go to a drugstore

where he needs to buy a menstruation cup and a remedy for a yeast infection.

Yes.

Right, and if they do that without any mistakes,

congrats, open your fly, you passed the test.

And now have fun with The Tamponettes, choreographed by Jacky Schröder.

ABSENT FROM HIS OWN PREMIERE. MELTDOWN DURING INTERVIEW.

Fuck.

-He ruined my vulva. -Isn't he that...

That film guy. That... love thing.

-Who? -My daughters are obsessed with him.

-The one with the films. -Hey stranger, got the wrong pussy?

Is that one of your exes?

I'm not wearing my contact lenses.

-Men all have similar faces. -The fog, like in a magic forest.

Then I fell into this huge pussy.

Yes. Right, but you're coming out of there, no?

-You can't stay in there. -I can, it's cozy.

-Come on in. -You come out.

Don't worry, I'll stay with you forever.

-My mother appeared to me. -He finished the bottle.

-From now on, it's going to be okay. -It's always nutcases who are into you.

-Wicked. -Hey, plumber woman, hands off.

-Hey! -It's a misunderstanding.

She's a metaphor for the woman.

She is the blood. We became really good friends.

He nearly choked me to death.

-We'll take her to the premiere. -The premiere is over for you.

It's a classic Me Too situation, right? I didn't do anything. Who's the nut job?

Sorry, who are you anyway?

-Can we take a selfie? -No way. So...

If he's such a star, you're insured, right?

Because my vagina has a minimum value of 80 euros.

Okay, I'll pay for that but I don't have any money on me. We need to go.

You sound like all my ex-girlfriends combined.

-Hansjörg, help me. -First, the money.

-Then the psycho can go. -Good grief.

This is a proper menstruation inferno here.

If the big star isn't coming now, I'd need to know.

Then I'd score a soccer player or a real estate agent.

-Well... -Is Marvin your friend? He'd be here.

It's bigger than my bed. Crazy. Loads of chips.

-Is someone calling? -Chips.

Hey, girls, someone want a beer?

-So much water. Who needs all that? -Shit.

The gossip hounds are outside your door.

Wild. If I press here, it goes backwards.

-His head's hanging out the window. -Help!

-Did I do that? -Pull him back in!

-Shit. -Thank God.

How long have you been a real estate agent?

It's been ten years already.

-Ten years? -It's going well.

-Wow. -It's so exciting.

Are you looking for something? I can show you some stuff.

Well, a loft wouldn't be half-bad.

Here in the building, for instance?

Okay, it might not be an exciting topic for you, but...

-Can he die of that? -Not if he pukes in 30 minutes.

-And if he doesn't? -Then an emergency room would be good.

But don't worry. I only know two or three people who died of it.

-And they took a lot of other stuff. -Okay.

Are you serious? What are we going to do now?

That son of a bitch is my entire childhood.

-I'd do anything for him. -Put a finger down his throat.

Are you nuts? I don't want to see his puke.

Oh God.

Watch out, Zelda.

Hey, hello. Come.

-Let's do something nice. -Like what?

Come on.

-What are we doing? -I'll show you now.

- I don't believe this. -She's not actually doing it, is she?

I'll go get some money.

A magnificent girl.

She's so feisty.

Look, he's watching himself puke.

"Marvin Bosch's aggressive interview meltdown.

The star was absent from his own premiere!

Where is Marvin Bosch?"

-Oh dear. -So what?

Shit.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

We need to go right now.

-In here. -Wait.

-Wait, I need to puke again. -Be my guest. Go in there.

-Head. -Oh God.

Come, quick.

You did great.

Now the biggest star in the country has barfed in our car.

Dear Bettina...

It's been three years now that...

Bettina, darling... Bettin...

Oh, champagne.

This is like a cruise ship.

Sweetie, get me my usual whiskey please? Thanks.

Dear Bettina,

the last three years I was allowed to enjoy your company...

Why are you ranting?

You're just a great woman, so...

You're not easy. No one said that.

You always say what you think, regardless of the consequences.

In bed, you are... well, unusual.

At first, I was scared, but no hard feelings.

Let's drink to that, Bettina...

although we know that alcohol always leads to a scandal.

René, this is a nice evening.

A dozen oysters and a thorough bad-mouthing.

-Cheers, great. No, it's okay. -Moment, there's more.

For me, you're like a highly sensitive, delicate seashell.

-Yes? -With a beautiful pearl inside.

I'm not even talking about the tough shell or the slimy part.

The pearly part.

Have you been smoking grass again?

Fine, okay, I might have had one or two puffs for the excitement.

Bettina, do you remember insulting me here at the bar three years ago?

You called me a "lazy lover boy".

-Yes. -Good.

You're not totally wrong there, I'll be honest, but today...

Today I would like you...

-Reception is crap here. -...and me...

Will the effing cell phone mafia manage to get us reception for once?

One moment. Thank you.

What, you don't know where Marvin is?

The cell phone photo was sent to the editors.

But we don't know where he is now.

-I wanted to go to a party. -That men have to talk so much...

I don't care what you do in your miserable spare time, Markus.

Tell me what the puke looks like and speak up. You're mumbling.

The puke looks... gross.

-What does it taste and smell like? -You want me to taste it?

I tasted Oasis" puke back in the day and got the high of my life.

Collect it and send it to a lab. ! need the results in two hours.

-You what? -Have them analyze the puke.

It's liquid gold.

Well, I'm fit again. We can go.

We need to deal with the premiere.

I'll do that. You need to disappear for three or four days.

-You can sleep at ours. -What?

Just because he fell into our cardboard pussy?

-It's a good idea. -No penises at breakfast.

We would pay you for your troubles.

I didn't subjugate myself to the patriarchy to serve a star.

But it wouldn't be for nothing.

Okay, we can listen to the proposal... no commitment.

Come on, leave it, Sammy. Thanks, I'll be fine.

-I prefer going to a hotel. -There are informants in the hotels.

No one suspects you here. It's perfect.

Stay the night or a few days. Then you'll see.

- I have your gear in the car. -But I don't know them.

They dressed up as tampons and dance fertility dances.

Who knows what they'll do? They might be ax murderers.

Nonsense. They are totally cute and innocent.

Hey. You're cute too.

I can't say I'm innocent though.

Darlings, just try.

Maybe you'd even like it at the theater.

Okay, why not?

If they are crazy ax murderers, it'll be short and painless.

I promise, we'll cut you up super gently.

Okay, these are the nondisclosure stipulations.

If one of you spills the beans that Marvin is here,

there will be a contractual penalty of 50,000.

I get 50,000 euros if I talk about him?

-That's fantastic. -Nope, Zelda.

It's the other way round.

-That's a pity. -Wait a second.

People, hello!

He acts in films with names like "Horny Dudes",

or "Man on the Side", or "Man-life Crisis".

Well, if he doesn't contribute,

I'm afraid we'll have to shut down the theater.

What? We're broke?

If in three weeks, we replace capitalism with another system of government,

it won't be so bad.

Well, I've been waiting for that too, since 1973.

Well, I'd say...

-Welcome, superstar. -Thank you.

You two live together and you're a lesbian. Does stuff happen sometimes?

Oh my God, the cisgender guy has his sex knowledge from porn.

And what's "cis" again?

The opposite of "trans".

Identification with the sex that was assigned to you at birth.

Okay, Marvin, very good example.

Marvin was born an unenlightened moron with a penis

and will die a moron with a penis.

That's "cis".

You're not a transgender guy like Rocco,

you're the born Joe Schmo from Schmotown.

In my case, Joe Schmo is a 100% improvement.

I used to be the low-life Turk.

All those sex-deprived guys who make porn films,

a cycle of cluelessness.

No one ever finds out how the clitoris works... Beer?

Excuse me, we both know how the clitoris works.

I mean, we're not hicks.

Or cis-hicks.

You act like I'm a Neanderthal who clubs a woman

over the head and drags her into his cave.

If there were a bus in play, Frieda would be interested.

-Shall we go out? -Oh yes.

There's a party at "Scum" tonight.

I need to disappear, have you forgotten?

Here, you can take these. No one will recognize you in them.

What is this?

It's a flower.

-I won't go as a flower. - I don't dig it either.

So that, dear specialists, is a clitoris.

And as a rough orientation, it is not located in the throat.

I have heard that before.

Why is the joint called "Scum"?

It's rad how nuts they all look.

Awesome.

They're cool.

-Can we have two beers? -Coming up, sweetie.

Six euros.

-You look great. -I know. I'm a clitoris.

When did we last really party?

-This is sick here. -It's been ages.

And why is hetero seen as the superior life form?

Here, everyone dances with everyone.

This is about love. Without all that nonsense about relationships.

Yes.

Shit, Jacky's ex-girlfriend Sabine is here.

-Pretend we're having fun, okay? - I hate her.

Nope, I love her. Shit, it's complicated.

-Who? Where? -The angel back there. Don't look.

You think you love her. That's your problem, because you love drama.

-Yes, I know. I know. -What are we waiting for?

Yes, let's go.

What does she see in her? She looks cheap.

I'm not omniscient just because I'm a clitoris now. I'll get drinks.

Hey, can I have five beers, please?

Yes, Bettina, wait.

Yes, I have the results.

Marvin Bosch did actually take drugs.

Psilocybin, that's a hallucinogen.

I was shocked too.

Markus, we need pictures.

Our readers don't want to read, they want to look at pics.

Does he shoot up or put a tampon up his butt?

Then we'd have a great teaser, "Marvin's fungi booty".

Or "Mushroom season with Marvin Bosch".

Well, you can stick anything up your butt.

Great. And we'll use the nude pic from back then.

Oh yes, Marvin's nude pic.

We all have it as our desktop wallpaper.

Had it at the time.

Hey, sweet little flower?

You've been sneaking around for a while now.

You forgot your beers.

Mom.

But today you'd be proud of me for a change.

What's so bad about that? So the gutter press writes about you.

-In the real world, no one cares. -Oh yeah?

This is my real world. I've been doing this since I was 18.

Everyone is interested. The dirtier, the better.

Do you know what it's like when every fart is published?

When every relationship, every secret, becomes a sort of common knowledge.

Amusement for the people.

Nothing that happens in my life is mine. Not even my dick.

One of my exes posted it while I was sleeping.

After I told her I loved her.

Dude, chill. You were puking on the street while high on shrooms.

So? You don't go to prison for that.

That would be a proper problem. That would be bad.

What?

Why are you leaving now?

Were you in prison, or what?

-Huh? -It was a bad idea coming here.

Are you nuts? Are you leaving? Is that how you always do it?

Thanks for just celebrating the great hero saving the theater.

But now you can't be bothered anymore. Yes.

How handy. I can't cause you any stress, I signed a contract.

You know what? Why don't you go fuck yourself, superstar?

I'd like to apologize.

Maybe I do take off when the going gets tough.

I'm

just not used to...

being so honest.

I'm shocked. You're a real human with feelings.

Are you staying now, or what?

I thought I was supposed to fuck myself.

Yes, briefly.

After that, you can stay, for all I care.

Maybe you'll even dare to go on stage.

You think I don't dare go on stage?

I'm an actor. That's my main job, so to speak.

You were right, you weren't the only one who screwed up in life.

How do you mean?

I killed someone and my family won't talk to me anymore.

Are you serious?

I was 15, and there was a guy who was much older than me.

I didn't want it and I was hoping that nothing would happen,

but he had other plans, and then...

I went to one of those abortion clinics and dealt with the matter.

And your family found out?

Yes.

I'm no longer their daughter.

Every now and then my sister calls on my birthday and then...

we have a quick chat.

I miss her too, because we were really close, but...

I just got used to... not having a family anymore.

Yes.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about the way I behaved. My life isn't your fault.

I know, it's ridiculous.

There really is no reason for me to complain.

But maybe it doesn't make you happy. That's okay.

Maybe if I coat my Porsche with gold or buy another polo pony.

I think we're off-topic now.

Another important question, where do I find your nude pics?

Your family is really missing out.

You might be one of the most lovable people I've met lately.

Might be?

It's the 2000s, everyone has an exit plan.

Hm... are you one of those dysfunctional types

who has a crush on me but can't admit it?

It's possible.

You're the first girl to put a finger down my throat.

- I had hoped so. Was it good for you? -Unforgettable.

I don't normally fall in love,

because I personally think the classic relationship model is crap.

Maybe you should know that.

All right. Noted.

EMASCULATION THE FINAL DAYS OF PATRIARCHY

MUSHROOM SEASON FOR MARVIN BOSCH

MOVIE STAR IS A DRUG ADDICT!

"Does the popular actor have a dark past?

Is this Marvin Bosch's final crash?"

Fuck.

Shit! Fucking shit!

Marv, my boy.

If you are out there somewhere...

I've been lost before too.

But I can promise you one thing.

I know how you can get out of there.

I can make you fit again against the drugs.

I'm here for you. Your Rainer.

Yes?

You know how I always say, we can do anything,

I'll solve your every problem?

-And destroy it? -Yes.

Not this time. Have you seen the headlines?

-Nope. -Okay, never mind. Listen.

The Bamberger thing wasn't good.

Your next films are postponed indefinitely.

-What? -Or cancelled.

They can't do that. We need to fight back or something.

We can't fight back. That would make it worse.

-You'd be waking sleeping dogs. -Then I'm unemployed for now.

But it'll sort itself out again.

And we have that lucrative car ad this year.

Well, about that car ad and the free vehicles,

that's suboptimal at the moment too.

Meaning? Don't use fancy words like that.

What was that noise?

I think it's time

we said goodbye to a few things.

I have good news too. Do you remember the people from the juice ad?

They still want you.

If you mix it with gin and tonic it doesn't taste so bad.

The strange fruit bomb with the pug as a mascot?

Yep. But you need to tell me now if you're in.

-Or else they'll shoot without you. -Yes.

-Okay. -Yes? Okay.

Sammy.

What if what we did back then gets out?

Marvin, don't worry. It won't come out. No one besides us knows.

! need to take care of this.

Hello?

Hey! That's mine. I bought that, the normal way.

Do you want one of Jacky's weak coffees

or cheap orange juice past its sell-by date?

Thanks, I don't need anything.

Since we've seen each other naked and put things into our bodies,

we can ride to rehearsal together, right?

What? What do you want?

Okay, so this is the morning after. I get it. I see.

Thanks, it was nice talking to you.

Abi, don't worry. It won't come out.

No one besides us knows.

Let go.

80% of all violent crimes in Germany are committed by men.

In Europe, one woman in three

has experienced physical or sexual violence.

One in three.

Last year alone, over 130 women

were murdered by their partners or ex-partners.

That's bad.

But before we're all stricken by great concern, let me tell you what's worse.

Since Me Too, there are actually men

who don't know how to pay a compliment to a woman.

Yes, that's terrible, right?

I mean, how is Ansgar from bookkeeping

to tell his colleague that she's a hot number?

That's the real tragedy of Me Too, actually.

I had my first blind date the other day. Ever had one?

It's amazing. A total thrill. Jumping in at the deep end.

It's like opening the fridge in a shared apartment of five,

taking out the milk and just drinking.

Without smelling it first.

Anything could be in there. Milk, curds, cigarette butts.

Yes, that's the thrill, that's life. I did that.

I arrived at the date and the woman who was sitting there waiting for me...

Wow, she was really super beautiful.

She had huge eyes and somehow, she wasn't blinking.

She was sitting there and it became clear to me

that she was just surprised.

I would be too, if I had a blind date with a guy named Hans

and I showed up.

But unlike my apartment viewings,

I wasn't sent away straight away, I was allowed to stay and we talked.

I quickly realized

that she was just a little bit racist.

Well, she wasn't an Eva Braun, but she was...

BFF material for Alice Weidel, I'd say.

Naturally, part of me wanted to leave straightaway.

But on the other hand...

she was really super sweet.

That's why the other part of me somehow didn't want to go.

And no, not that part. No, no, it was my brain.

Because a week before, I had read a study

that right-wing voters have a tendency to be sexually frustrated people.

Understand what I was thinking?

I thought maybe I can give something back to society.

Well, not in a macho kind of way, like "fucking the woman's brain out",

but the other way around.

Maybe you can actually have the brain go in...

That was my contribution to a better society. You're welcome.

People don't like it when you actually come out of the closet.

Firstly, there are ugly words in play, like gay or lesbian.

And secondly, there are lots of folks

who think that people who come out of the closet

are basically just attention-seekers.

Because we don't just want to be queer, bi, lesbian, whatever,

but we are also so bold as to express it publicly.

Don't get me wrong, but all films except problem films... hetero.

Worldwide broadcasts of aristocrat weddings... hetero.

I'd hope for the future that at the next six-hour live broadcast

of a European aristocrat wedding, there'd be five minutes of...

royal outings.

That's not asking for too much.

What makes a real man?

I've asked myself that a lot.

Okay, it could be because at my birth...

there was a little equipment error.

Not what you think, "Ha ha, penis too small." No, no.

No penis at all.

Nothing. Niente.

Someone pressed the space key. Yes.

I was put into the body of a woman.

Shit happens. But fine.

Adjust the crown, keep going. And that's what I did.

I remember how happy I was

when I was able to start with the hormones.

Finally, testosterone.

Yes, and then I was sitting there one day,

I lit my last vanilla-scented candle,

embalmed with testosterone...

and do you know what happened then?

Nothing.

For the first time in my life, I was able to sit for two hours in a row,

stare into nothing and my thoughts revolved around nothing.

Do you want to know what it looks like inside the head of a guy?

Picture a shopping mall during a Covid lockdown.

Speaking of man, here's our newcomer.

Right, rookie. Show us what you've got.

Yes, I... I thought I'd do something about rappers.

What about...

climate protection?

Do something about yourself.

Or maybe even... about dating.

That's right, hundreds of willing women throw themselves at the star.

-What? -Pardon?

Hey, I don't care if you're in the midst of a self-discovery process,

but... oh, you're wasting our time.

I think the whole thing was a shit idea. It was a mistake.

Yes, probably.

You see? Men don't get along.

Far too emotional.

Thank you. That's enough.

Here's to us.

Mm, this is good.

You weren't very easy to find.

So many cell phone shops in Neukölln.

It's an amazingly quaint area. You feel... at home right away.

If you don't mind the stabbings, it's pretty cozy.

Do you know that I come from a simple background too?

You?

And back then I swore to myself...

Bettina, you will get out of there.

So we have something in common.

I come to you with a request, and friends are supposed to help each other.

Both of us, your friend Marvin and I, and maybe...

you.

What is this for?

Let's say, a deposit on another life, hm?

And Marvin? I mean, you caused the mess with my friend.

The bad headlines.

His films are on the backburner because of you.

He's losing everything right now. So, what is this?

I can only write what I have about your friend.

If I get something nice, I'll write something nice.

I'd like to help you. Understood, Hakan?

I had people look for you. I don't do that for nothing.

Do you think I'd betray my best friend?

This isn't about betrayal. It's about loyalty and friendship.

My instinct tells me that there's a story.

And if you really want to help Marvin, then tell it to me.

Let the people know who he really is.

Believe me, Marvin needs you now.

Get the fuck out of my shop, right now.

I want you gone.

This is the phone number of my editor.

You need to be clear about one thing. It will be reported on anyway.

You have a choice of who is the narrator.

The press?

Or a good friend? Someone who really loves him.

Think about it, okay?

Your diva attitude is getting on my nerves. Will you come in?

-Rocco will apologize. -I have a lot on my plate.

-It's not an attitude, it's chaos. -So what?

And it would be better if we kept what happened yesterday between us for now.

People are writing too much as is.

Because I've seen you naked? Everybody has.

-What am I to tell? -Please don't be mad at me, okay?

Are you serious?

Know what? I wish the whole shit wouldn't have happened.

Don't come back here and leave me alone. Your babysitter's here. You need to go.

Take care.

Still, it was nice to have met you.

Hey, wait! What about the money?

Tell me, did you screw him last night?

Yes, but only because I was bored. It was really dull.

Fuck.

Are you not feeling well?

There was a bit of stress.

Wow... Hang on. You had it going on yesterday.

It's over before it started, okay?

We leave you alone with the feminists the one time...

Who was it?

But not that crazy lesbian, right? What was her name again?

The crazy lesbian's name is Jacky. It wasn't her.

Jacky.

-Can we talk about something else? -Yes, sure.

Hakan, Marvin is now a clitoris.

That's fine. Then at least I can find it.

-By the way, it's female feminists. -Oh God.

Let him be a feminist. It's the only thing he still has.

-His life is going down the drain. -Thanks. Now I feel better.

You're trying to explain feminists to me now or what?

Guys, listen up. I'm a woman.

I have a job. I negotiate his contracts alone.

I run the show. And now you want to teach me about feminism.

Who's been toiling non-stop for years here?

Hey, I'm happy to take a break.

-You wouldn't even make it to set. -Guys, that's enough.

We once promised to be honest to each other. Right?

So, let's talk.

Here's work for you.

You need to sign the autograph cards.

I hate autograph cards.

Man, damn it!

Abi. Take what we do here seriously again.

I'm working my butt off for you.

For me or for you?

I'm all about us and what we've become, but...

it's always about cash and success!

Wow.

Can you tell me why we never went to see him?

Because we're too cowardly.

Yes.

Yes, because we're too cowardly.

-I don't believe this. -What is it?

It's the stray from the hotel.

Hello, my friend.

What are you doing here? Yes.

-Throw the cat out. -I'm afraid I have to work. Come.

Okay. Right, little one.

You wait here for me, okay?

-Hi. -Hello. Bibo's my name.

Nice to meet you, hello. Our star, Marvin. Hi.

You can go straight to makeup. We're having problems with Gunther.

-Gunther? -The fructigalactic pug. The mascot.

Right, it's important not to address Gunther.

If he looks at you, tilt your head,

don't make him nervous, he doesn't like it.

Will someone have mercy and get us coffee? Our second star is here!

-Wait, why second star? -That's right.

I'm really nervous. It's going to be awesome.

-Hello, sweetie. I'm doing you today. -Can we do this faster?

Do I have to do everything on my own?

First you, then the pug. Please.

-Gunther is getting made up? -Yes.

The pug is difficult. I've shot children's series with him.

-But you can do it. -Hello. Gigi.

Our assistants have spoken to yours.

Hi, nice to meet you. Listen, it's going to be awesome.

You're basically flying through the air shouting

"I feel fructigalactic!" All in the air.

Cool or cool?

-Cool. -I heard "second star"? That's...

This is rad. Can someone fix my receding hairline?

Pronto. Great. Thanks.

Marvelous Marvin Bosch is in da house.

-Yo. Finally, we're shooting together. -Hey. Yes.

This will be bam.

-What is he doing here? -That wasn't the deal.

He's your partner.

The client's spontaneous idea. It's not a problem, is it?

No problem. I'll do my job, as always.

-Good. -This will be awesome. Awesome.

And... action.

Do you know what eight kinds of fruit feel like?

-Fruchti... Shit! -Cut!

-Damn. -You feel fructigalactic.

"Fructigalactic” is our word.

-Fructigalactic. -That's it.

-It says it here too. -Yes.

-I'll do it on the next one. -It's all good.

Back in L.A., I used to do all my own stunts.

It's part of the job for me.

You had a bit part in L. A. 20 years ago.

Take it down a notch, okay?

-I think Marvin's exhausted. -All ready?

I want to punch the guy in the face.

-Same here. -And Marvin?

-Yes? -With emotion, please.

- I need to feel the fructigalactic. -Okay.

I learned that in L.A. doing method acting in my bit part.

-Shut up, Rainer. -You shut up, juice boy.

And action.

Do you know what eight kinds of fruit feel like?

-I feel fructicool... -Cut.

-Fucktigalactic, man. -Sorry.

-And you say it in the air! -It's not that easy, sorry.

When we pull you up, man!

-Let's do another one. -Action.

- I feel fructiganothing... -Fructigalactic would be super.

I feel fructicra...

-Try again. Maybe you'll get it. -Yes.

Fruchtigala... Fuck. Fuck.

Fructigalactic. With "c".

-Fructi... fucking fruit! -Cut. Break.

-Bam. -Oh my.

...galactic.

I just had it. Now I have it.

-No. -Let's just do it again right away.

There you go.

To us, my Bambi.

You remember my elegy of you and the pearly seashell?

An elegy is a lament, René.

Right, I'm sorry.

I was going to serve... no emphasize the ambivalent, emotional...

-You're a woman with so many faces. -Yes.

Although, the irritated one often prevails...

Are we starting with that again?

Sorry, that was poorly expressed.

I meant to say you're exciting...

I see, why am I exciting? What's exciting?

-That you're uncomfortable and quick. -Yes.

Quick-tempered and dominant.

You comparing me to that housewife porn is the pits.

Probably not quite fitting, but I want to ask you once and for all...

Bettina. We've got it.

It was like you said. We're going live.

Markus. Markus, I love you.

-Okay. -What are you doing down there?

You're supposed to look after your slipped disc.

The... Bettina...

See you. Come on, Markus.

Yes.

Thanks.

The biggest crap I've ever taken part in.

Not the pants, they're from L.A.

Hey, no.

No, no violence.

I won't sit on any more apples with you.

Shut your fructigalactic trap.

-Oh, suddenly he can say it! -That's enough.

Hey, Marvin, we used you despite your drug excesses, right?

We were the only ones. You're finished.

And by the way... fired.

Okay, now... Can't we talk about this in private? Okay. All right.

Don't touch me.

MARVIN BOSCH - THE WHOLE TRUTH LIVE ON BAMBERGERSHOW.DE

In the past weeks, one name has dominated the headlines.

And that's Marvin Bosch.

We're all wondering who he really is.

Today's studio guest has the shocking truth for us.

Please welcome Marvin's childhood friend, Hakan Celik.

Hello, I'm here...

to help my pal Marvin.

All those headlines and reports, they...

they don't do justice to my friend.

He's really a good guy who...

just made a mistake, one time.

Tell us what happened back then.

It was...

a long time ago, many, many years.

There were four of us.

Marvin, Sammy, me and...

our friend Milan.

Let me pre-empt. You were close friends.

Yes, we... We were like family.

With our actual families, the situation was difficult for each of us.

Particularly for Marvin.

That's why you mustn't judge him.

You became a delinquent.

And then you had a very stupid idea.

Yes, it was my idea, not Marvin's.

You know...

I'm just an idiot.

I mean, we never had any money.

I thought if we rob a gas station, that's easy money.

Wow.

-Give me the money, come on. -Open the register.

-Go on! -Don't do anything stupid.

When he opened the register, it was the beginning of the end.

-Gun down. -I don't want to shoot anyone.

Let go!

Our friend Milan caught the shot.

And we... we were scared shitless.

Marvin wanted to stay, he wanted to help him.

But I pulled him away.

What kind of assholes were we?

Leaving our friend lying there like that.

What happened then?

Of course, they caught us all.

And that was it for us.

But not for our friend.

What happened with your friend?

He was in the hospital for months.

All alone.

We... we got a few months of juvey.

But even when we were back out, we never went to visit him.

We were just too cowardly.

Only Marvin kept asking after him.

He's a good person.

Unlike me.

The shocking truth about Marvin Bosch.

Who'd have thought

that the man our underage daughters adore,

who dominates German movie screens, ls in reality a convicted criminal?

Hey, Marvin, it's me, Hakan. I'm sorry.

I don't know how [ could have been so naive.

Please, let's talk.

Get in touch.

TONIGHT! LAST SHOW

How do you know where I live?

This place was on TV more often than your sexual characteristics.

And that's saying something.

Don't worry, I don't want sex. I don't find you attractive at all.

Thanks. Sorry, it's a bit untidy at the moment.

What's this?

What? Oh, art.

-Do you want a beer too? -"Do you want a beer too?"

Do you think I'm here because I want a stupid beer?

-Hey, have you lost it? -"Hey, have you lost it?"

Just so it's clear, I'm doing you a friendly turn.

Go on, stand up.

If this is about theater or about Frieda, she's not into me.

- I was there. -The gentleman paid a visit.

Well, I hope it wasn't too exhausting.

You have no idea what real problems are.

Do you know how long a gender transition takes?

Rocco had to endure 15 surgeries.

Lots of pain, lots of fear.

Until he was the person he should have been from the start.

And then he's also a really good father.

Or Wiebke. She's been on psychotropic drugs for 20 years.

Which sometimes work better, sometimes less so,

just to stop her from jumping off the nearest bridge.

So fuck you, Marvin Bosch.

You, love thingie.

I have to say, you theater guys often tell people to go fuck themselves.

People like Rocco, my dear. They are fighters with dignity.

They aren't idiots like you are.

It's our last show today. Then we'll close down.

So go take a fucking shower and get dressed.

Right.

Now I'd like that beer.

All right, but first I have to take care of something.

You don't know what I feel. I have to see him every day.

-You have no idea what love is. -Hey, I'm a love pro.

How do you think I got two kids?

-Go clean that up. -As long as we all stay narrowminded.

You don't care that my heart's breaking and my life's over, do you?

She said, without Marvin, her life makes no sense.

She'll drop out of school and become a housewife.

You won't drop out of school.

You'll study math and then there'll be another star or a TikToker.

-There's only one Marvin. -How do you know?

I don't have time to listen to your mansplaining.

-I need to get a rag. -Bring the math textbook, okay?

Are you an alcoholic now?

No, I want to relax,

because my kids have a crush on a stupid film star.

-Alcohol kills brain cells. -Which brain cells?

I'm cleaning, like I was commanded to.

Thank you.

You wanted to tell me one of your strange stories.

Okay.

Once upon a time, Snow White 2.0 was alive and well.

-She was the nicest and smartest of all. -Was she the prettiest?

-Did she marry a star? -You're totally brainwashed. No.

She was the nicest and got the best grade in...

payroll accounting.

Just like her father.

Coincidentally, the seven dwarves founded a company...

Seriously? Your job in a fairy tale?

-You are so uncreative. -He has no idea of life.

And even less of love.

Would one of my daughters relent and open the door?

Hi.

Okay, okay.

Hello, I'm Marvin. I'm a friend of your father's. Is he in?

You're a friend of our father's?

May we come in?

Yes. Sure.

Nice to see you.

-What are you doing here? -We're here to apologize.

Just like that, after 20 years?

Yes.

Will you come in or do you want to stay in the hallway?

-Anyone else want tea? -If it's no trouble.

Nonsense, we always do a lot around the house.

-Dad, you too? -Nope, not right now. Thanks.

Do you want to get some cookies out and maybe clean your rooms?

-We always do. -We love tidying up.

You really have very nice kids.

A pity you won't meet their mother.

-Why? Is your wife... -Did she die?

What? No. She's at work.

She's great, but don't get your hopes up.

She's not into ugly guys like you.

We wanted to apologize to you

for letting you down.

Yes. It's...

been torturing us for a long time.

Hey, I'm not doing too badly.

I have a nice life.

I went to a great foster family back then.

It was all much better afterwards.

I met my wife.

We had our first child almost immediately.

It was the best decision of my life.

I'm sorry. I meant to get in touch with you too.

I heard that you ended up in juvey for a few months back then.

You wanted to get in touch with us? Really?

Yes, of course.

I often think of you. And there's no getting past you, anyway.

For some stupid reason, my kids are into you.

Dude, that's a load off my mind.

We're such idiots.

This is totally rad. You were doing well the whole time.

Everything was good.

You wouldn't believe how happy I am to hear that,

how glad I am you have such a beautiful family.

That really makes me happy.

I think it's great that you came.

I really do.

-Can I step out for a minute? -Sure. At the end of the corridor.

I fixed up my old wig. Melli Maultäschle.

Bambi.

Actually, I'm Hansjörg, and this is Saskia.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks.

Yes, that's it from me.

And now one last time, please...

Give it up for Zelda de Winter.

Good evening, my dears.

Bravo!

We've been packing boxes until now.

I had no idea penis hats could be so bulky.

Here you are. Oh.

-Cool room. -Thanks.

-He stopped crying. -Good.

Get a grip, dude.

He's such an embarrassment, always been so sentimental.

Will you come over more often now?

I think so.

Do you at least know some good stories about love?

I can try, but...

I'm afraid I'm a total beginner.

I used to be a cool, independent woman.

But lately I've become the most pathetic life form.

Lately I've become a woman who turned down a guy several times

and who asks herself every night if that was a good idea.

Or if she's more afraid of a relationship

than Berlusconi and Trump are of good hair dye.

-Shall we pull her off the stage? -My thinking is...

It's pathetic, but she's honest.

...either I wait the usual four years like all psychopaths

before I have a clarifying chat at 3 am,

with two per mill and hallucinations of love.

Or I'll just make it more direct. More personal.

If I see the guy again, I'll break his legs, and he can't leave.

Problem solved.

She is too depressed even for the depressed.

Sometimes I miss the star.

I think those stupid films with happy endings should be banned.

Instead, they should show realistic films

with rent increases and stupid shit.

That might be better.

Well, I don't want to interfere, but...

if I promise not to take off, would you refrain from breaking my legs?

It wasn't about you at all.

Did you think it was about you? It wasn't.

-Okay. - It really wasn't about you.

I just wanted to reapply.

I think I deserve a fair chance.

So, theater fever has gripped you?

I would overwhelm you as a dancing tampon.

What's so kitsch about happy endings, by the way?

They are just totally unrealistic.

It doesn't happen every day that a superstar falls into your vulva

and becomes obsessed with you, it doesn't happen.

I happen to know someone who that happened to.

-Holy shit. -Yes.

And how do you get rid of him?

You don't.

NEW THEATER 3000

Thanks.

Thank you.

Thank you. Very nice.

Yes, you might wonder what I'm doing here.

Normally, waning stars prefer to try their luck in the jungle.

But I prefer eating chicken with broccoli

to steamed crocodile testicles on ice.

I haven't tried them, I'm following my intuition.

Yes, you're laughing, but it's not so easy

to find meaning once you've been spat out of the film bubble

and suddenly land back in reality.

Then my friend and tax adviser told me to put my last money

into a ruined theater.

That's no good. It's a totally crappy idea.

Well, normally, but it's not a normal theater, but...

a feminist theater.

Yes, and what are strong, independent women into most of all?

Sure, into celeb cis men who wave their money around.

So, there were a variety of strategies to put the thing into practice.

A really good suggestion was

for me to hand over the money in order to pay the debt of patriarchy,

and to offer to work for free,

as a symbol for the worldwide exploitation of female workers.

Wow.

Sounds a bit bulky, you notice that yourselves, right?

So we agreed on "unpaid sex slave" and moreover...

moreover, we founded a foundation to support theaters.

So no one paid anyone. The result was the same.

It's the best investment of my life.

Yes.

All right, I had to make a few concessions.

On the way to work, it's not fans following me now

but the railway's ticket inspectors.

Not even my best friend's daughters want a selfie.

They thought I was cooler before, because now I'm a real person.

It's a fact.

Sounds like an insult, "real person”.

But somehow, it's true.

Before that, I was an empty shell.

In a pre-life crisis, so to speak.

The life phase with a full bank account and an empty heart. You know it.

Right, full bank account.

Not familiar to anyone?

Yes, I noticed that too.

No one gets less sympathy than the guy who cries in a Porsche.

Yes.

And it really isn't so easy.

All the red carpets, the fans, the clothes thrown at you...

The wishes being read from my eyes...

I mean... yes.

Okay, you're right.

I miss one thing: news about me in the yellow press.

For example, my secret wedding happened 25 times.

25 times.

Fun fact: a wedding isn't a secret

just because I didn't invite the yellow press.

I'm not secretly going to the toilet just because I haven't tweeted about it.

One of the weddings took place with my best friend Hakan.

And the other one with my best friend Sammy.

Me!

In real life, those two would immediately file for divorce.

Go on, gangster, come on. Hey, hey.

Hello, Mr. Bosch.

-What are you doing here? - I liked it a lot.

-Congrats on the theater. -Thank you.

-I'm doing well now. -I wanted to ask you something.

Admittedly, the whole circus has become very boring without you.

May I write something about you and the theater? Something nice.

Thanks, but don't. I'm very happy just the way it is.

At some point, you all come back.

Here you are. I've been looking for you.

-Hello. -Hello.

Come on, let's go home, yeah?

-Bye. -Bye.

Oh well.

No Limits Media 2021 Subtitles: S. Geiges, A. Rajabali et al.