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1
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- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic7ed.com -
2
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Hello.
3
00:00:11,255 --> 00:00:13,047
I'd like to know your name
because I'm going to have
4
00:00:13,048 --> 00:00:17,343
- to tell the police who I shot.
- I'm Kai.
5
00:00:17,344 --> 00:00:19,554
It means "ocean."
6
00:00:19,555 --> 00:00:22,473
I'm Dan. It means, "What
the hell are you doing here?"
7
00:00:22,474 --> 00:00:24,434
I'm a friend of Harris's.
8
00:00:24,435 --> 00:00:27,019
Actually, we've been seeing
each other for a few weeks.
9
00:00:27,020 --> 00:00:29,063
Grandpa, hey. This is Kai.
10
00:00:29,064 --> 00:00:30,356
He needed a place to stay,
11
00:00:30,357 --> 00:00:32,400
so I told him he could spend
a few nights here.
12
00:00:32,401 --> 00:00:35,154
Well, the place does give off
a "flop house" kind of vibe.
13
00:00:36,822 --> 00:00:38,823
But before I say yes,
14
00:00:38,824 --> 00:00:41,117
tell me something about yourself.
15
00:00:41,118 --> 00:00:43,619
Well, I'm in a season
of growth and transformation...
16
00:00:43,620 --> 00:00:45,621
Just the bullet points, Ocean.
17
00:00:45,622 --> 00:00:47,331
I grew up with money,
18
00:00:47,332 --> 00:00:49,125
but I found it was corrupting me,
19
00:00:49,126 --> 00:00:51,919
so I rejected it and turned
to a life on the road.
20
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:53,921
I'm gaining authentic experiences
21
00:00:53,922 --> 00:00:56,340
instead of trying to buy
my way to happiness.
22
00:00:56,341 --> 00:01:01,095
I'm not hearing "job" anywhere in there.
23
00:01:01,096 --> 00:01:03,347
How can you afford to travel?
24
00:01:03,348 --> 00:01:07,268
I meet a lot of good souls
along the way, like...
25
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like your amazing granddaughter, Harris.
26
00:01:13,108 --> 00:01:14,734
And when I don't, I hop trains
27
00:01:14,735 --> 00:01:17,987
and eat perfectly good food
that people throw away.
28
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Okay, I get it.
29
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- You're a commie hobo with a goofy hat.
- No.
30
00:01:25,527 --> 00:01:28,696
Kai is just a... a free spirit
who writes poetry.
31
00:01:28,697 --> 00:01:30,573
Actually, I met him
outside the tattoo shop,
32
00:01:30,574 --> 00:01:33,493
and he traded me a poem for a tattoo.
33
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:35,871
Somehow you got screwed twice
on that deal.
34
00:01:37,789 --> 00:01:39,332
Louise, this is Kai.
35
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He's gonna be staying over
for a little bit.
36
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Cool. Nice to meet you, Kai.
37
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Help yourself to anything in the fridge.
38
00:01:45,881 --> 00:01:47,840
Oh, except the, uh, bologna log.
39
00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:49,092
It belongs to this guy.
40
00:01:50,761 --> 00:01:53,889
He measures it every night
before he goes to bed.
41
00:01:54,806 --> 00:01:55,974
14 and 5/8.
42
00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,727
Here, you should wear this.
43
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It's sunny, but it's cold out.
44
00:02:01,146 --> 00:02:03,231
Where are you guys headed?
45
00:02:03,232 --> 00:02:05,024
The forest preserve.
It's a nice day out,
46
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:07,568
so we're gonna go expose
our perineums to the sun.
47
00:02:07,569 --> 00:02:10,655
The perineum is an area that
doesn't get much sun exposure,
48
00:02:10,656 --> 00:02:12,532
yet it's a tender barrier
to parts of the body
49
00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:14,076
that need vitamin D.
50
00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:18,621
Yeah. Can't you just go in the bathroom
51
00:02:18,622 --> 00:02:21,207
and squat over a flashlight?
52
00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:23,793
Okay, no family that gets
all of its vitamins
53
00:02:23,794 --> 00:02:26,421
from fortified Lucky Charms
is going to understand this.
54
00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:28,631
See you guys later.
55
00:02:28,632 --> 00:02:29,800
Have a magical day.
56
00:02:32,844 --> 00:02:37,682
[?]
57
00:02:37,683 --> 00:02:41,269
- What are you doing?
- I'm saging.
58
00:02:41,270 --> 00:02:42,812
There used to be a funeral home here,
59
00:02:42,813 --> 00:02:45,231
so it's important to make sure
all the bad spirits are gone.
60
00:02:45,232 --> 00:02:47,734
Hold on. Darlene?
61
00:02:49,319 --> 00:02:51,112
- Yep?
- It's not working.
62
00:02:51,113 --> 00:02:53,156
You're just driving the bad
spirits into the kitchen.
63
00:02:54,992 --> 00:02:57,118
- Whoa, look at that.
- What?
64
00:02:57,119 --> 00:02:58,453
It's your rent going up.
65
00:03:00,414 --> 00:03:01,998
Oh. The delivery guys are coming.
66
00:03:01,999 --> 00:03:04,876
Yes! The new couch is here.
67
00:03:09,464 --> 00:03:11,924
You can just put it there
right in front of the TV.
68
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,844
Bold choice. Maybe that will catch on.
69
00:03:16,888 --> 00:03:18,639
- Would you like us to unwrap it?
- No, no.
70
00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:21,892
Uh, it's my first new couch,
so I want to unwrap it myself.
71
00:03:21,893 --> 00:03:24,437
Slowly. Gently.
72
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:28,357
Maybe light a candle, put on some music.
73
00:03:28,358 --> 00:03:30,652
She just tells me to, "Lose the pants."
74
00:03:33,655 --> 00:03:35,448
Yeah!
75
00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:37,325
Hey, let's break this baby in, huh?
76
00:03:37,326 --> 00:03:39,535
I'll unwrap it, you guys order a pizza,
77
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we'll take a little TV break
before we unpack anything else.
78
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,873
I... Unh-unh. Oh.
79
00:03:43,874 --> 00:03:47,626
New rule... no eating
or drinking on the couch.
80
00:03:47,627 --> 00:03:50,212
And no sleeping in bed
or getting wet in the shower.
81
00:03:50,213 --> 00:03:51,505
[Gasps] No sitting in chairs,
82
00:03:51,506 --> 00:03:54,550
- no standing when you walk.
- [Laughs]
83
00:03:54,551 --> 00:03:55,843
I'm... I'm serious.
84
00:03:55,844 --> 00:03:57,720
Everything else in here
is stuff we already had.
85
00:03:57,721 --> 00:03:59,430
This is new, so for once
86
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let's not trash it up
the minute we get it.
87
00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:05,394
But we always eat
and watch TV on the couch.
88
00:04:05,395 --> 00:04:07,605
And now we're gonna do
what most families do.
89
00:04:07,606 --> 00:04:10,316
We'll eat at the table
and talk about our day.
90
00:04:10,317 --> 00:04:12,276
Ew. Haven't you been paying attention?
91
00:04:12,277 --> 00:04:13,445
Our lives suck.
92
00:04:14,613 --> 00:04:16,739
How about a compromise?
93
00:04:16,740 --> 00:04:19,533
We'll eat on the couch
and you'll eat at the table
94
00:04:19,534 --> 00:04:22,453
and tell yourself about your day.
Show of hands?
95
00:04:22,454 --> 00:04:25,539
O... Okay, here's my compromise...
96
00:04:25,540 --> 00:04:29,961
no one eats or drinks
on the couch, ever...
97
00:04:31,546 --> 00:04:33,464
And?
98
00:04:33,465 --> 00:04:36,842
... and Becky and Mark don't
have to go live under a bridge.
99
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:42,265
And you do not have to go with them.
Hands?
100
00:04:46,269 --> 00:04:47,395
The people have spoken.
101
00:04:47,396 --> 00:04:48,939
All I can do is go along with them.
102
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[?]
103
00:04:58,907 --> 00:05:04,907
[?]
104
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"The Conners" is recorded
105
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in front of a live studio audience.
106
00:05:15,132 --> 00:05:19,635
Alright, you and I need to have
a little talk about Kai.
107
00:05:19,636 --> 00:05:21,762
Why? What's up?
108
00:05:21,763 --> 00:05:23,639
Your man took the weed
that was drying out
109
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in the basement and left this...
110
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"Sweet gange underground.
111
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A fertile crop of friendship.
112
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A sweet new bud's bud."
113
00:05:31,773 --> 00:05:34,859
Ah. What the hell?
114
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It's just a haiku.
115
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:37,945
Can I smoke it?
116
00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:40,740
'Cause I really needed
that weed for my bad shoulder.
117
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:43,159
The weed is half mine anyways
because I grow it with you.
118
00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:44,910
So, let's just say he took my half.
119
00:05:44,911 --> 00:05:46,413
We're dating,
it's really not a big deal.
120
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,124
I don't care if she likes him.
121
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He's gotta go.
122
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Not only is the weed a problem,
123
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there's 1/8 of an inch
missing off my bologna.
124
00:05:56,381 --> 00:06:00,718
Yeah, I agree what the guy did
was sketch.
125
00:06:00,719 --> 00:06:03,637
But you gotta come at Harris
a different way.
126
00:06:03,638 --> 00:06:05,347
I'll talk to her tonight
after band practice.
127
00:06:05,348 --> 00:06:07,016
Aw, you don't have to do that.
128
00:06:07,017 --> 00:06:08,517
It's gonna be rough.
129
00:06:08,518 --> 00:06:10,269
She's used to being mad at me.
130
00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:12,855
Harris and I are building
a relationship.
131
00:06:12,856 --> 00:06:15,524
And she'll be a lot less
defensive hearing it from me.
132
00:06:15,525 --> 00:06:17,526
Okay, you remember that guy
that thought he was building
133
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a special relationship
with the grizzly bears?
134
00:06:20,030 --> 00:06:22,573
He said, "I'm your friend."
135
00:06:22,574 --> 00:06:24,116
What the grizzly bears heard was,
136
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:26,661
"Pull my head off. It's delicious."
137
00:06:29,664 --> 00:06:30,999
Chip me.
138
00:06:37,923 --> 00:06:40,674
Are you guys really gonna
keep doing this?
139
00:06:40,675 --> 00:06:43,636
Darlene's just treating
this couch like it's a new car.
140
00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:46,347
After the first ding, she'll chill out.
141
00:06:46,348 --> 00:06:48,265
No, this is different.
142
00:06:48,266 --> 00:06:51,018
Before she went to bed, she
said, "Good night. I love you."
143
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I was in the room, but I knew
she was talking to the couch.
144
00:06:54,856 --> 00:06:55,940
[Vehicle approaches]
145
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- She's home!
- Oh! Okay.
146
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:01,612
Uh, Beverly Rose, this is not a drill.
147
00:07:01,613 --> 00:07:03,948
I need your beer, Grandpa.
148
00:07:03,949 --> 00:07:06,451
Grandpa needs it more, sweetie.
149
00:07:07,994 --> 00:07:09,703
You gotta lose the beer, Dad.
150
00:07:09,704 --> 00:07:12,791
A drifter took my weed,
I'm keeping my beer.
151
00:07:14,543 --> 00:07:16,293
Oh. Oh, hey, gurl!
152
00:07:16,294 --> 00:07:17,670
Hey, what's shakin', bacon?
153
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,338
Where you gals been?
154
00:07:19,339 --> 00:07:22,424
So, somebody left their Costco
card at The Lunch Box.
155
00:07:22,425 --> 00:07:23,843
We took it for a spin.
156
00:07:25,595 --> 00:07:27,763
Darlene got some stuff for the new house
157
00:07:27,764 --> 00:07:32,269
and, Dan, I got you that 25
pound wheel of Parmesan Cheese.
158
00:07:33,645 --> 00:07:36,355
Dad, I don't know if you heard,
159
00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:39,650
but I'm not letting my new couch
get trashed up, so...
160
00:07:39,651 --> 00:07:42,111
I have heard, and I'm not doing it.
161
00:07:42,112 --> 00:07:44,196
Sooner or later something's gonna happen
162
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,447
to this couch, Darlene.
163
00:07:45,448 --> 00:07:47,408
You need to accept that now.
164
00:07:47,409 --> 00:07:52,830
- Look, my house, my rules.
- Ho, ho, ho.
165
00:07:52,831 --> 00:07:56,208
I said that to you kids
your entire childhood.
166
00:07:56,209 --> 00:08:00,546
Now it's my turn to say,
"You suck, and I hate you.
167
00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:03,674
You're, like, ruining my life."
168
00:08:03,675 --> 00:08:07,219
- I'm not kidding, Dad.
- You better be.
169
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:09,013
I built you this house,
and now you're gonna tell me
170
00:08:09,014 --> 00:08:11,307
that I can't make myself at home here?
171
00:08:11,308 --> 00:08:14,810
Yes. I've seen what it looks
like when you feel "at home."
172
00:08:14,811 --> 00:08:17,981
I... I don't want my house
to look like yours.
173
00:08:19,608 --> 00:08:24,028
You know what? I don't need this.
174
00:08:24,029 --> 00:08:26,071
I'm taking my friend, Beer,
175
00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:28,032
and we're going to go back to my house
176
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where I can watch TV
the way I always have.
177
00:08:30,452 --> 00:08:33,162
Jackie, would you please drive me home
178
00:08:33,163 --> 00:08:35,205
because I have enjoyed
four other friends
179
00:08:35,206 --> 00:08:36,750
on an empty stomach.
180
00:08:40,337 --> 00:08:41,837
[?]
181
00:08:41,838 --> 00:08:42,964
[Door closes]
182
00:08:47,052 --> 00:08:49,303
Isn't it great we can both
watch a scary movie
183
00:08:49,304 --> 00:08:51,305
at the same time on our phones?
184
00:08:51,306 --> 00:08:54,141
[Whispering] Yeah, the only
thing that's a little annoying
185
00:08:54,142 --> 00:08:55,851
is that it's not at the same time.
186
00:08:55,852 --> 00:08:58,520
You're seeing it
three seconds before me.
187
00:08:58,521 --> 00:09:02,358
- Oh, my God!
- Two... three...
188
00:09:02,359 --> 00:09:04,610
And there's a human foot in the freezer.
189
00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:06,195
[Scoffs]
190
00:09:06,196 --> 00:09:08,572
It's ridiculous that Darlene
is doing this.
191
00:09:08,573 --> 00:09:10,075
You should be here
watching this with me.
192
00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:12,035
[Whispering] Hey.
193
00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:14,870
Gotta go, Dad.
194
00:09:14,871 --> 00:09:17,414
- Uh...
- What the hell, Ben?!
195
00:09:17,415 --> 00:09:18,749
Here! Damn it!
196
00:09:18,750 --> 00:09:21,377
See, this is what happens...
197
00:09:21,378 --> 00:09:23,003
when you have to sneak
around your own house.
198
00:09:23,004 --> 00:09:26,632
Shh! You're gonna wake Darlene up.
199
00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:28,676
The stain is not coming out.
200
00:09:28,677 --> 00:09:30,386
What are we gonna do?
201
00:09:30,387 --> 00:09:33,222
I don't see any alternative. [Sighs]
202
00:09:33,223 --> 00:09:36,725
- We have to burn the house down.
- No, no.
203
00:09:36,726 --> 00:09:38,102
She's just gonna run into the flames
204
00:09:38,103 --> 00:09:40,396
to save the couch, see the stain,
205
00:09:40,397 --> 00:09:42,648
and we're never gonna hear
the end of it.
206
00:09:42,649 --> 00:09:44,483
I say we pin it on Beverly Rose.
207
00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:48,487
Hey! That's my daughter
you're talking about.
208
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:50,447
And that's why I'm glad
you said it first.
209
00:09:50,448 --> 00:09:51,448
Let's do it.
210
00:09:51,449 --> 00:09:52,574
Okay, good. Good.
211
00:09:52,575 --> 00:09:53,618
So you just gotta help me plan it out.
212
00:09:53,660 --> 00:09:55,577
Uh, Beverly Rose has been eating
213
00:09:55,578 --> 00:09:56,787
- a lot of bananas lately, right?
- Yeah.
214
00:09:56,788 --> 00:09:57,955
Okay, so let's take some of those
215
00:09:57,956 --> 00:10:00,207
and we'll smash them
into the carpet right here,
216
00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:01,835
'cause I don't want her
talking her way out of this!
217
00:10:02,752 --> 00:10:06,005
[?]
218
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:09,967
- Uh, where's Kai?
- He's at a 24-hour printer
219
00:10:09,968 --> 00:10:12,302
getting his poetry bound into books.
220
00:10:12,303 --> 00:10:15,347
Oh, it's so cute how he leaves a poem
221
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:16,849
every time he takes anything.
222
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:18,100
[Chuckles]
223
00:10:18,101 --> 00:10:20,644
- I'm glad you like him.
- I do.
224
00:10:20,645 --> 00:10:23,814
And I think there's a way
to smooth things out
225
00:10:23,815 --> 00:10:25,733
between him and your grandpa.
226
00:10:25,734 --> 00:10:29,194
If he just follows
a couple of house rules.
227
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:31,697
Oh, and maybe pays him back
for that weed
228
00:10:31,698 --> 00:10:34,033
when he sells some of the books.
229
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:36,744
Oh, he's not selling those,
he's giving them away.
230
00:10:36,745 --> 00:10:39,163
He believes art belongs to the people.
231
00:10:39,164 --> 00:10:41,666
Yeah, usually after they pay for it.
232
00:10:43,126 --> 00:10:46,045
How is he, uh, able to print copies?
233
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:47,713
He doesn't have a job.
234
00:10:47,714 --> 00:10:49,215
I gave him a little bit of money.
235
00:10:50,467 --> 00:10:54,386
- How much?
- I don't know, 100 bucks.
236
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:57,056
- $100?
- Yeah.
237
00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:58,974
I mean, I'm getting a lot back
in return...
238
00:10:58,975 --> 00:11:01,435
he's sweet and cool
and I haven't had that
239
00:11:01,436 --> 00:11:03,021
since I broke up with Aldo.
240
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:08,275
You know, I dated
a lot of cool, artsy guys,
241
00:11:08,276 --> 00:11:12,321
and they tend to be
pretty irresponsible with money.
242
00:11:12,322 --> 00:11:14,323
Do you know the difference
between a drummer
243
00:11:14,324 --> 00:11:16,158
and a large pizza?
244
00:11:16,159 --> 00:11:19,119
A pizza can feed a family of four.
245
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:20,996
What are you saying?
246
00:11:20,997 --> 00:11:22,623
That he's taking advantage of me?
247
00:11:22,624 --> 00:11:25,042
No, no, no, I'm just saying
that you might be overlooking
248
00:11:25,043 --> 00:11:26,585
some of the red flags.
249
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:29,838
You know, like... like stealing
and taking money from you
250
00:11:29,839 --> 00:11:32,132
without knowing how to pay you back.
251
00:11:32,133 --> 00:11:35,094
Uh, convincing you to pull
your pants down in the forest
252
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,553
so you could get some vitamin D.
253
00:11:36,554 --> 00:11:38,388
Oh, my God, stop.
254
00:11:38,389 --> 00:11:40,349
You're twisting everything
around to make him sound bad.
255
00:11:40,350 --> 00:11:42,142
No, no, I'm not twisting anything.
256
00:11:42,143 --> 00:11:43,602
I'm telling you the truth.
257
00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:45,521
You don't know anything about us.
258
00:11:45,522 --> 00:11:47,064
Plus, I don't need to be judged
by someone
259
00:11:47,065 --> 00:11:48,190
who didn't have a real relationship
260
00:11:48,191 --> 00:11:49,359
till she was in her sixties.
261
00:11:50,568 --> 00:11:54,238
- Excuse me?
- You heard me.
262
00:11:54,239 --> 00:11:56,907
Fine. I'm out.
263
00:11:56,908 --> 00:11:59,368
But don't come crying to me
when he disappears
264
00:11:59,369 --> 00:12:01,912
and leaves you nothing
but a crappy book of poems
265
00:12:01,913 --> 00:12:03,789
that you paid for.
266
00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:05,916
They're not just poems!
267
00:12:05,917 --> 00:12:07,417
Some of them are lyrics to a rock opera
268
00:12:07,418 --> 00:12:08,962
he's letting me produce!
269
00:12:09,838 --> 00:12:15,760
[?]
270
00:12:22,433 --> 00:12:23,809
Beverly Rose.
271
00:12:23,810 --> 00:12:25,311
Beverly Rose.
272
00:12:28,731 --> 00:12:30,775
How did I get here?
273
00:12:31,860 --> 00:12:34,570
- What, you didn't fall asleep here?
- No.
274
00:12:34,571 --> 00:12:36,530
Okay, let's figure this out.
275
00:12:36,531 --> 00:12:40,117
- What is the last thing you do remember?
- I was in my bed.
276
00:12:40,118 --> 00:12:43,120
And I had a dream
that Mommy was carrying me,
277
00:12:43,121 --> 00:12:45,956
- and she talked to a wolf that sounded like Ben...
- Mm-hmm.
278
00:12:45,957 --> 00:12:48,501
... and the wolf smelled like bananas.
279
00:12:50,044 --> 00:12:52,255
Ben?! Becky?! Get in this living room!
280
00:12:57,218 --> 00:12:59,386
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
281
00:12:59,387 --> 00:13:02,222
Well, we are.
282
00:13:02,223 --> 00:13:04,433
About a lot of things.
283
00:13:04,434 --> 00:13:08,395
Uh, I'd rather not be specific
until we know what you know.
284
00:13:08,396 --> 00:13:10,814
You clearly used an innocent child
285
00:13:10,815 --> 00:13:14,526
to cover your inability
to follow the simplest rules.
286
00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:17,196
Oh, that. Yeah.
287
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:19,448
Um, I wouldn't say ashamed
288
00:13:19,449 --> 00:13:23,994
so much as wishing I'd done it better.
Come on.
289
00:13:23,995 --> 00:13:25,871
- Good luck, Ben.
- Yeah.
290
00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:27,789
Well, if you don't see me
for a couple of days,
291
00:13:27,790 --> 00:13:30,250
check the yard for
a meticulously dug grave
292
00:13:30,251 --> 00:13:31,835
with no crumbs on it.
293
00:13:31,836 --> 00:13:35,756
- God, you ruined my sofa, Ben.
- Okay.
294
00:13:35,757 --> 00:13:38,467
See, "my sofa" is where
we have a problem,
295
00:13:38,468 --> 00:13:40,385
because it's my sofa, too.
296
00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:42,638
And you bought a white couch
for God's sakes.
297
00:13:42,639 --> 00:13:44,139
I mean, you gotta get over this.
298
00:13:44,140 --> 00:13:45,891
And I thought you got a handle
299
00:13:45,892 --> 00:13:47,809
on your whole control freak thing.
300
00:13:47,810 --> 00:13:50,520
Look, we spilled because
you made us nervous,
301
00:13:50,521 --> 00:13:53,607
and then when we tried
to clean it, it made it worse.
302
00:13:53,608 --> 00:13:56,360
- This is crazy!
- You know what?
303
00:13:56,361 --> 00:13:59,237
Why don't you and your banana-wolf face
304
00:13:59,238 --> 00:14:03,241
take all your purple juices
and your greasy snacks
305
00:14:03,242 --> 00:14:06,203
and your dark, sweaty pants, and your...
306
00:14:06,204 --> 00:14:10,207
your pens that you cavalierly
leave the caps off of
307
00:14:10,208 --> 00:14:12,584
and go to my dad's house,
308
00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:15,796
because he has no problem
with people staining his couch
309
00:14:15,797 --> 00:14:19,132
because he's not "crazy"!
310
00:14:19,133 --> 00:14:21,927
So the couch is more important than me?
311
00:14:21,928 --> 00:14:25,472
You're gonna kick me out of
my own house over a couch?
312
00:14:25,473 --> 00:14:28,767
No, I'm kicking you out
because there was one thing
313
00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:30,978
that was important to me
and you cannot respect that.
314
00:14:30,979 --> 00:14:33,814
[Chuckles] Fine, fine.
315
00:14:33,815 --> 00:14:36,400
I hope you two are very happy together,
316
00:14:36,401 --> 00:14:38,986
and, you know, I can't wait
to read your obituary...
317
00:14:38,987 --> 00:14:42,031
"She is survived
by her stain-free couch."
318
00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:44,993
And matching ottoman.
319
00:14:48,204 --> 00:14:50,164
[Knock on door]
320
00:14:53,042 --> 00:14:56,294
I heard about the spill.
321
00:14:56,295 --> 00:14:58,005
Don't you start too.
322
00:14:58,006 --> 00:14:59,297
Everybody thinks I'm crazy
323
00:14:59,298 --> 00:15:01,133
for acting this way about a couch.
324
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,885
Ben thinks I value it more
than our relationship.
325
00:15:03,886 --> 00:15:06,221
Well, uh, the couch is still here
326
00:15:06,222 --> 00:15:09,100
and Ben's not, so something's going on.
327
00:15:12,186 --> 00:15:15,105
I don't know how this blew up
into such a huge thing.
328
00:15:15,106 --> 00:15:17,566
All I wanted was to keep my couch nice.
329
00:15:17,567 --> 00:15:20,152
Why do you think that is?
330
00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:23,405
Jackie, don't try to shrink me.
331
00:15:23,406 --> 00:15:25,533
I wouldn't dare, you're small enough.
332
00:15:30,288 --> 00:15:32,122
But I think we need to get to the bottom
333
00:15:32,123 --> 00:15:33,707
of why you're so obsessed
with this couch
334
00:15:33,708 --> 00:15:36,084
that you've driven away
your husband and your father.
335
00:15:36,085 --> 00:15:37,962
I think obsessed is a little harsh.
336
00:15:39,255 --> 00:15:41,007
Give me that.
337
00:15:42,759 --> 00:15:45,052
Okay, I'm obsessed.
338
00:15:45,053 --> 00:15:47,095
I don't know why, though.
339
00:15:47,096 --> 00:15:48,847
It's like when I lived
in Chicago with the kids,
340
00:15:48,848 --> 00:15:51,808
I literally pulled my couch
up off of the curb
341
00:15:51,809 --> 00:15:53,810
and it was okay.
342
00:15:53,811 --> 00:15:56,271
But I guess I was just starting out,
343
00:15:56,272 --> 00:15:59,524
and I... I thought I'd be a success
344
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:01,234
and that one day,
345
00:16:01,235 --> 00:16:03,487
there would be this magical new couch.
346
00:16:03,488 --> 00:16:05,906
Yeah, and you got it.
347
00:16:05,907 --> 00:16:09,034
We're sitting on a magic couch.
348
00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:11,411
But what if it's the last couch?
349
00:16:11,412 --> 00:16:12,580
I mean, what if there is no more
350
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:15,749
magic furniture in my future?
351
00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:18,502
You know, when I made
manager at Wellman, I...
352
00:16:18,503 --> 00:16:21,088
I thought, "Well, this is what
life is gonna be like now.
353
00:16:21,089 --> 00:16:23,090
And I'm gonna keep climbing."
354
00:16:23,091 --> 00:16:24,299
And then I lost that job,
355
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:26,968
and I just cannot find another one.
356
00:16:26,969 --> 00:16:29,721
So you're just worried
that this was all a fluke
357
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,933
and you're not worth
what you thought you were.
358
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:35,686
What if it's true?
359
00:16:37,271 --> 00:16:40,023
Oh, my... I actually got one.
360
00:16:40,024 --> 00:16:41,316
Oh, my God.
361
00:16:41,317 --> 00:16:43,110
I mean, this is a deep-seated fear
362
00:16:43,111 --> 00:16:44,861
and that's really sad,
363
00:16:44,862 --> 00:16:46,613
but let's not lose sight of the fact
364
00:16:46,614 --> 00:16:48,866
that I actually got one.
365
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:53,203
Having a really hard time
being happy for you.
366
00:16:53,204 --> 00:16:56,039
Well, see, that's because
you're catastrophizing.
367
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:59,501
That's the old negative Darlene
popping up and telling you
368
00:16:59,502 --> 00:17:01,711
that just because
you lost one really great job,
369
00:17:01,712 --> 00:17:03,548
you're never gonna get another one.
370
00:17:04,799 --> 00:17:07,134
So you do think I'm gonna get
another great job?
371
00:17:07,135 --> 00:17:08,343
Of course I do.
372
00:17:08,344 --> 00:17:10,720
But you've got to fix things with Ben,
373
00:17:10,721 --> 00:17:13,515
'cause I'm just gonna say it...
374
00:17:13,516 --> 00:17:17,060
everybody thinks that the odds
of you getting
375
00:17:17,061 --> 00:17:19,272
another husband that looks like him?
376
00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:24,694
Slim to none!
377
00:17:27,905 --> 00:17:29,489
- Hi.
- Hey.
378
00:17:29,490 --> 00:17:30,574
Where are your books?
379
00:17:30,575 --> 00:17:31,992
I want to show Louise how cool they are.
380
00:17:31,993 --> 00:17:33,952
Oh, I didn't get them printed.
381
00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:35,954
I was gonna, but I was
booking it down the street
382
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:38,540
on my skateboard, racing a school bus,
383
00:17:38,541 --> 00:17:40,750
and then this little sign
came out that said "stop,"
384
00:17:40,751 --> 00:17:44,212
and my face did,
but my skateboard didn't.
385
00:17:44,213 --> 00:17:47,632
Anyways, I lost my earbuds
and had to buy new ones.
386
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:50,510
So you... you spent the whole
100 bucks on earbuds?
387
00:17:50,511 --> 00:17:52,262
I wish they were only 100 bucks.
388
00:17:52,263 --> 00:17:53,763
I had to take 40 more
out of your wallet.
389
00:17:53,764 --> 00:17:57,809
What? You took money out of my wallet?
390
00:17:57,810 --> 00:18:00,437
Since when do you care
so much about money?
391
00:18:00,438 --> 00:18:02,397
I thought that didn't matter with us.
392
00:18:02,398 --> 00:18:04,441
I'd give you anything I have.
393
00:18:04,442 --> 00:18:07,235
Well, that's easy for you to
say, you don't have anything.
394
00:18:07,236 --> 00:18:08,737
I could've used that money
for rent or...
395
00:18:08,738 --> 00:18:10,614
or my share of the utility bills.
396
00:18:10,615 --> 00:18:13,450
Fine. I... I'll pay you back.
397
00:18:13,451 --> 00:18:15,911
Anger is like a cold wind,
chilling your bones.
398
00:18:15,912 --> 00:18:18,872
Anger is hot, everybody knows that.
399
00:18:18,873 --> 00:18:20,582
Your poems suck.
400
00:18:20,583 --> 00:18:23,210
You stole from me
and took advantage of me.
401
00:18:23,211 --> 00:18:24,920
You gotta find somewhere else to stay.
402
00:18:24,921 --> 00:18:26,296
This isn't working for me anymore.
403
00:18:26,297 --> 00:18:29,591
- You can't just kick me out.
- Yes, I can.
404
00:18:29,592 --> 00:18:31,760
No, you can't.
405
00:18:31,761 --> 00:18:33,762
Legally you can't make a guest leave
406
00:18:33,763 --> 00:18:35,639
without 30 days' notice.
407
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,891
Alright, alright, what's going on?
408
00:18:37,892 --> 00:18:39,392
You were right about Kai.
409
00:18:39,393 --> 00:18:41,311
He stole money from me,
and now he won't leave.
410
00:18:41,312 --> 00:18:44,356
Finish your lunch, Kai. You're leaving.
411
00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:47,025
I'll leave when I'm ready to go.
412
00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:49,736
Unless you're gonna pay for a motel.
413
00:18:49,737 --> 00:18:51,696
I'll get my checkbook.
414
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,281
I don't have a checking account.
415
00:18:53,282 --> 00:18:55,033
Oh, it's alright.
416
00:18:55,034 --> 00:18:56,034
I don't have a check.
417
00:18:59,121 --> 00:19:00,957
You're not gonna hit me.
You'll go to jail.
418
00:19:03,584 --> 00:19:05,260
What the hell, lady?
419
00:19:05,261 --> 00:19:07,964
You're an intruder.
That was a warm-up swing.
420
00:19:09,257 --> 00:19:11,925
I'm not leaving because I'm scared,
421
00:19:11,926 --> 00:19:14,845
I'm leaving because
the universe says it's time.
422
00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:18,808
Don't let the universe hit you
in the ass on the way out!
423
00:19:21,978 --> 00:19:25,564
Oh, my God. Thank you.
424
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:28,650
I'm all just kind of amped up
from threatening that guy.
425
00:19:28,651 --> 00:19:30,193
Whew.
426
00:19:30,194 --> 00:19:32,028
Idea... how about we smoke
Grandpa's half
427
00:19:32,029 --> 00:19:33,363
of the weed to level out?
428
00:19:33,364 --> 00:19:36,324
And we can write a crappy poem,
blame it on Kai.
429
00:19:36,325 --> 00:19:39,619
Well, if we're gonna do that,
we're gonna get the munchies,
430
00:19:39,620 --> 00:19:44,875
so why don't we blame him for
14 inches of bologna log, too?
431
00:19:45,793 --> 00:19:49,421
[?]
432
00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:51,881
It's Darlene with your food delivery.
433
00:19:51,882 --> 00:19:55,427
Oh, who's not getting
their pizza tonight?
434
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:59,180
No one. I bought it because I feel bad.
435
00:19:59,181 --> 00:20:02,475
I'm sorry for acting so crazy
about the couch,
436
00:20:02,476 --> 00:20:04,603
but I talked about it with Jackie,
437
00:20:04,604 --> 00:20:06,605
and I figured out why.
438
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:08,648
And also, I did steal that,
439
00:20:08,649 --> 00:20:12,527
so I probably should talk
about that with Jackie, as well.
440
00:20:12,528 --> 00:20:14,362
Anyway, I'm glad Jackie helped you
441
00:20:14,363 --> 00:20:16,156
work your way through this,
442
00:20:16,157 --> 00:20:18,325
because it's not the worst thing
in the world
443
00:20:18,326 --> 00:20:20,952
if your couch gets stained.
444
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:23,371
Your mom and I looked at them
as memories.
445
00:20:23,372 --> 00:20:25,123
Mm.
446
00:20:25,124 --> 00:20:27,375
Right there is where Becky cried
when she had a skinned knee,
447
00:20:27,376 --> 00:20:29,878
then she realized
she was made of tougher stuff.
448
00:20:29,879 --> 00:20:32,172
Over there is where I dumped
an entire beer
449
00:20:32,173 --> 00:20:34,341
- watching the Bears win the Super Bowl.
- [Chuckles]
450
00:20:34,342 --> 00:20:36,801
And Ben's sitting where
your mom's water broke
451
00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:38,095
when she had you.
452
00:20:43,517 --> 00:20:46,187
Might've mentioned that when
I was face-down napping there.
453
00:20:54,278 --> 00:21:00,200
- Uh-oh, crumbs between the cushions!
- No big deal.
454
00:21:00,201 --> 00:21:03,703
Oh, cheese dust on my fingers.
455
00:21:03,704 --> 00:21:06,831
I get what you guys are doing,
and I'm not pretending.
456
00:21:06,832 --> 00:21:09,584
I've made peace that the couch
is gonna get stained,
457
00:21:09,585 --> 00:21:12,004
- and that's okay.
- Sorry, guys, I fixed her.
458
00:21:12,004 --> 00:21:13,756
I'm just that good.
459
00:21:15,716 --> 00:21:16,925
So proud of you.
460
00:21:16,926 --> 00:21:18,677
You really worked through this.
461
00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:20,513
[Door closes]
462
00:21:25,643 --> 00:21:26,643
[Dustbuster whirs]
463
00:21:26,644 --> 00:21:31,644
- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic7ed.com -
464
00:21:31,694 --> 00:21:36,244
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