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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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2
00:00:26,935 --> 00:00:28,519
Guardian of the universe.
3
00:00:28,604 --> 00:00:30,354
Protecting us against the forces of evil.
4
00:00:30,439 --> 00:00:31,564
The superpowers of this man...
5
00:00:31,648 --> 00:00:32,648
He can catch a bullet,
6
00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:33,983
halt a speeding train.
7
00:00:34,067 --> 00:00:36,485
And leap tall buildings in a single bound.
8
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,279
- Up in the sky...
- Is it a bird?
9
00:00:38,822 --> 00:00:40,114
A mailman by day...
10
00:00:40,198 --> 00:00:41,699
City's guardian by night.
11
00:00:41,783 --> 00:00:44,952
Defending the citizens of New York
from the forces of evil.
12
00:00:45,037 --> 00:00:48,247
The world has been protected
by a group of extraordinary men and women
13
00:00:48,332 --> 00:00:50,333
who have dedicated themselves
to fighting crime.
14
00:00:50,417 --> 00:00:52,418
Mysterious traveler from another dimension.
15
00:00:52,502 --> 00:00:56,714
He has powers far beyond
the capabilities of mere earthlings.
16
00:01:07,809 --> 00:01:10,811
I always wondered
why nobody did it before me.
17
00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:16,233
I mean, all those comic books,
movies, TV shows,
18
00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:21,072
you'd think that one eccentric Ioner
would have made himself a costume.
19
00:01:22,658 --> 00:01:25,534
I mean, is everyday life really so exciting?
20
00:01:25,827 --> 00:01:27,662
Are schools and offices so thrilling
21
00:01:27,746 --> 00:01:29,956
that I'm the only one
who ever fantasized about this?
22
00:01:32,084 --> 00:01:33,668
Come on, be honest with yourself.
23
00:01:34,878 --> 00:01:38,506
At some point in our lives,
we all wanted to be a superhero.
24
00:01:54,690 --> 00:01:56,732
That's not me, by the way.
25
00:01:57,192 --> 00:02:01,237
That's some Armenian guy
with a history of mental health problems.
26
00:02:01,947 --> 00:02:05,074
Who am I? I'm Kick-Ass.
27
00:02:15,168 --> 00:02:18,796
That's me,
back before any of this crazy shit happened.
28
00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:23,968
I guess I was the last person
you'd expect to become a superhero.
29
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,680
I'm not saying
there was anything wrong with me,
30
00:02:27,764 --> 00:02:30,266
but there was nothing special, either.
31
00:02:30,517 --> 00:02:32,685
- Asshole.
- I wasn't into sports.
32
00:02:32,769 --> 00:02:35,354
I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer.
33
00:02:36,189 --> 00:02:39,108
I didn't have a piercing
or an eating disorder
34
00:02:39,192 --> 00:02:41,318
or 3,000 friends on MySpace.
35
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:45,156
My only superpower
was being invisible to girls.
36
00:02:46,199 --> 00:02:49,702
And out of my friends, man,
I wasn't even the funny one.
37
00:02:50,287 --> 00:02:53,080
Like most people my age, I just existed.
38
00:03:04,092 --> 00:03:05,676
Good morning, class.
39
00:03:05,761 --> 00:03:09,180
Please open your books to Act 2, Scene 2.
40
00:03:10,265 --> 00:03:13,642
Kick in my bedroom door,
and you'd probably find me watching TV
41
00:03:14,311 --> 00:03:16,020
or talking to my friend Todd on Skype...
42
00:03:16,104 --> 00:03:18,689
- Are you watching Family Guy?
- Nope.
43
00:03:18,774 --> 00:03:22,651
Me, either. Check out nippleslip. Com.
It's good.
44
00:03:26,031 --> 00:03:29,116
...or jerking off,
mostly to my English teacher.
45
00:03:30,660 --> 00:03:32,203
Dave Lizewski.
46
00:03:32,287 --> 00:03:35,956
Don't think I haven't noticed
you looking at my tits, Dave.
47
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:40,294
I want your hands all over me, Dave.
48
00:03:40,629 --> 00:03:41,796
Please.
49
00:03:43,131 --> 00:03:45,674
Sure, a lot of what got me
through the average school day
50
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:49,220
was making deposits
in the whack-off warehouse for later.
51
00:03:49,304 --> 00:03:51,180
Though to be honest,
52
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:53,099
it didn't take much to set me off.
53
00:03:54,392 --> 00:03:57,061
I swear, when my hormones balance out,
54
00:03:57,145 --> 00:03:59,438
shares in Kleenex
are gonna take a dive, man.
55
00:04:03,652 --> 00:04:07,238
Dave Lizewski, shouldn't you be looking
at Hamlet right now?
56
00:04:07,656 --> 00:04:08,906
Yes, Mrs. Zane.
57
00:04:11,201 --> 00:04:12,535
I'm sorry.
58
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:17,164
But don't get me wrong.
I like girls my own age, too.
59
00:04:17,999 --> 00:04:20,042
Especially Katie Deauxma.
60
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:21,127
Hey, gorgeous.
61
00:04:21,837 --> 00:04:22,920
Hey.
62
00:04:26,299 --> 00:04:27,508
Oh, no.
63
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:32,972
You meant Erika. I know. I knew that.
64
00:04:33,181 --> 00:04:34,682
I was just kidding.
65
00:04:35,183 --> 00:04:36,725
Okay, cool.
66
00:04:37,394 --> 00:04:38,811
Oh, my God.
67
00:04:42,941 --> 00:04:44,984
Hey. Look, I'm Todd's mom.
68
00:04:47,529 --> 00:04:49,530
That's funny. This is your dad.
69
00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:52,533
No, that's still my mom, actually.
70
00:04:54,411 --> 00:04:55,870
What the fuck!
71
00:04:56,329 --> 00:04:57,997
I was just a regular guy.
72
00:04:58,081 --> 00:05:02,877
No radioactive spiders, no refugee status
from a doomed alien world.
73
00:05:03,211 --> 00:05:06,380
You know what? Todd said
they do still make Count Chocula.
74
00:05:06,464 --> 00:05:09,383
They just don't sell it at the store anymore.
75
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:13,262
My mother was killed by an aneurism
in the kitchen...
76
00:05:13,346 --> 00:05:16,098
- Mom?
...as opposed to a gunman in the alley.
77
00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:17,266
So if you were hoping for any,
78
00:05:17,350 --> 00:05:20,603
"I will avenge you, Mother!"
79
00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:21,896
You're out of luck.
80
00:05:21,980 --> 00:05:24,190
In the 18 months since my mother died,
81
00:05:24,274 --> 00:05:27,902
the only epiphany I had
was realizing that life just goes on.
82
00:05:27,986 --> 00:05:30,279
Did they change the bee's face?
83
00:05:31,406 --> 00:05:32,406
No.
84
00:05:40,457 --> 00:05:43,125
How come nobody's ever tried
to be a superhero?
85
00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:44,293
Boy, I don't know.
86
00:05:44,377 --> 00:05:46,462
Probably 'cause it's fucking impossible,
dipshit.
87
00:05:46,546 --> 00:05:49,715
What, putting on a mask and
helping people? How's that impossible?
88
00:05:49,799 --> 00:05:51,926
That's not superhero, though.
How is that super?
89
00:05:52,010 --> 00:05:55,512
Super's like being stronger than everybody
and flying and shit. That's just hero.
90
00:05:55,597 --> 00:05:58,599
No, it's not even hero.
It's just fucking psycho.
91
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:02,102
Hello? Bruce Wayne?
He didn't have any powers.
92
00:06:02,187 --> 00:06:04,563
Yes, but he had all the expensive shit
that doesn't exist.
93
00:06:04,648 --> 00:06:06,857
I thought you meant, like,
"How come nobody does it in real life?"
94
00:06:06,942 --> 00:06:08,234
Yeah, Todd, that's what I meant.
95
00:06:08,318 --> 00:06:10,986
Dude, if anybody did it in real life,
they'd get their ass kicked.
96
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:13,113
- They'd be dead in, like, a day.
- A day.
97
00:06:13,198 --> 00:06:15,032
Yeah, okay,
I'm not saying they should do it.
98
00:06:15,116 --> 00:06:16,909
I just can't figure out why nobody does.
99
00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:21,038
Seriously, out of all the millions of people
who love superheroes,
100
00:06:21,122 --> 00:06:23,290
you'd think one would give it a try.
101
00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:26,252
Jesus, guys, does it not bug you?
102
00:06:26,336 --> 00:06:28,045
Why thousands of people
wanna be Paris Hilton
103
00:06:28,129 --> 00:06:29,505
and nobody wants to be Spider-Man?
104
00:06:29,589 --> 00:06:32,508
Yeah, what's with that?
She has, like, no tits at all.
105
00:06:32,592 --> 00:06:35,052
Maybe it's the porn tape.
He doesn't have a porn tape.
106
00:06:35,136 --> 00:06:37,638
You guys never saw
One Night in Spider-Man?
107
00:06:39,599 --> 00:06:40,641
Guess who?
108
00:06:44,896 --> 00:06:48,565
Is it me or do you kind of feel sorry
for Chris D'Amico?
109
00:06:48,650 --> 00:06:51,277
Yeah, it must be terrible
to have a rich dad and everything you want.
110
00:06:51,361 --> 00:06:52,444
I wish you wouldn't have said anything
111
00:06:52,529 --> 00:06:54,905
- 'cause I feel like I'm gonna start crying.
- Right.
112
00:06:54,990 --> 00:06:57,533
The fact that he's always on his own?
113
00:06:59,452 --> 00:07:03,497
We should, like, talk to him.
See if he wants to hang out with us.
114
00:07:03,581 --> 00:07:05,416
I didn't say we should talk to him. I just...
115
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:06,959
Think about it. Come on, it'd be awesome.
116
00:07:07,043 --> 00:07:10,045
If he was our friend,
no one would ever fuck with us again.
117
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,338
Well, go on then, Todd. You wanna...
118
00:07:11,423 --> 00:07:12,423
- I can get up.
- No, no...
119
00:07:12,507 --> 00:07:14,925
- You wanna go talk to him? I can move.
- Dave... Dave should go.
120
00:07:15,010 --> 00:07:17,219
- Dave should go.
- Why?
121
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:18,762
- Dave, you should totally go.
- Go.
122
00:07:18,847 --> 00:07:20,514
- You're a dick.
- Don't be afraid, Dave.
123
00:07:20,598 --> 00:07:22,141
You're a pussy.
124
00:07:29,190 --> 00:07:30,441
Fuck off.
125
00:07:36,531 --> 00:07:37,698
Did you spray anything over there?
126
00:07:37,782 --> 00:07:40,868
Yeah, I think
I might have just shat in my pants a little.
127
00:07:41,286 --> 00:07:43,078
- See you later.
- God, see you.
128
00:07:43,413 --> 00:07:46,040
If that guy would have spoken to me
like that, I would have kicked his ass.
129
00:07:46,124 --> 00:07:48,375
Todd, when have you ever
kicked anyone's ass?
130
00:07:48,460 --> 00:07:51,003
Whatever, man.
I would have just gone for his knees.
131
00:07:51,087 --> 00:07:53,630
- You're not making sense.
- What I'm saying is the centrifugal force
132
00:07:53,715 --> 00:07:56,717
of Batman's batarang would undoubtedly
penetrate the Joker's force field,
133
00:07:56,801 --> 00:07:59,303
- leaving him totally vulnerable to the...
- All right...
134
00:07:59,387 --> 00:08:01,096
- Pussy patrol.
- Fuck.
135
00:08:01,389 --> 00:08:04,266
- Phones, money.
- Dude, not again, come on.
136
00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:07,811
- Phone.
- I don't have one.
137
00:08:07,896 --> 00:08:10,689
- Someone else jacked it last week.
- Pussy.
138
00:08:10,982 --> 00:08:13,484
- Give me the bag.
- It's just comics.
139
00:08:13,568 --> 00:08:15,486
Yo, you want to get cut?
140
00:08:25,580 --> 00:08:28,082
Look at this asshole just watching.
141
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:35,255
Come on, be honest with yourself.
142
00:08:36,091 --> 00:08:38,509
Would you do anything differently?
143
00:08:40,178 --> 00:08:43,389
We see someone in trouble
and we wish we could help,
144
00:08:43,473 --> 00:08:44,932
but we don't.
145
00:08:49,270 --> 00:08:53,107
The world I lived in,
heroes only existed in comic books.
146
00:08:54,692 --> 00:08:59,113
And I guess that would have been okay
if bad guys were make-believe, too.
147
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:01,448
But they're not.
148
00:09:02,450 --> 00:09:05,619
Frankie, I'm telling you, man,
I swear I'm not making this up.
149
00:09:06,121 --> 00:09:10,624
This fucking guy comes out of nowhere,
kicks our asses,
150
00:09:10,708 --> 00:09:12,709
and steals all the coke.
151
00:09:12,794 --> 00:09:14,545
This would be the guy
that looks like Batman?
152
00:09:14,629 --> 00:09:16,380
I didn't say he looked like Batman.
153
00:09:16,464 --> 00:09:19,258
You did, Tre.
You said the guy looked like Batman.
154
00:09:19,342 --> 00:09:21,385
- He said like a mask and stuff.
- And a cape.
155
00:09:21,469 --> 00:09:23,637
- Yeah, like Batman.
- I didn't say "Like Batman."
156
00:09:23,721 --> 00:09:25,305
I never said "Batman."
157
00:09:25,390 --> 00:09:26,473
Okay.
158
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,561
Let me tell you the problem
I got with that, Tre.
159
00:09:30,645 --> 00:09:34,356
Our mole with the Russians
tells things a little different.
160
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:39,611
According to him, you sold him my coke
and you took the money.
161
00:09:39,696 --> 00:09:41,530
That's a fucking lie!
162
00:09:42,031 --> 00:09:46,076
I can't believe that you would believe
this shit from a fucking Russian, man!
163
00:09:46,161 --> 00:09:49,163
Let me see, Tre.
Hey, what's more likely, huh?
164
00:09:49,581 --> 00:09:54,460
That you're a greedy little cocksucker
or all my coke was stolen by Superman?
165
00:09:54,752 --> 00:09:56,420
- Batman.
- I never said Batman!
166
00:09:56,504 --> 00:09:57,671
Enough!
167
00:10:01,009 --> 00:10:04,178
Now my son is waiting out there
in the car to go to the movies,
168
00:10:04,262 --> 00:10:05,846
and I ain't gonna disappoint him.
169
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,016
Joe, you're in charge.
170
00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:11,602
- Frank... Frankie!
- That's gotta be the worst fucking excuse
171
00:10:11,686 --> 00:10:13,312
I ever heard, Tre.
172
00:10:20,695 --> 00:10:23,739
- Sorry you had to wait, buddy.
- The movie is starting in 10 minutes.
173
00:10:23,823 --> 00:10:27,117
It's okay. We're cool.
We're only gonna miss the trailers.
174
00:10:27,202 --> 00:10:29,119
Yeah. But I want to get some popcorn.
175
00:10:29,204 --> 00:10:31,038
When we get in there,
get Chris some popcorn.
176
00:10:31,122 --> 00:10:33,332
- Okay?
- You fucking motherfuckers!
177
00:10:33,416 --> 00:10:34,791
What do you want to drink?
You want a Pepsi?
178
00:10:34,876 --> 00:10:38,170
- Yeah, that's fine.
- Get him a Pepsi, and I'll have an Icee.
179
00:10:38,254 --> 00:10:39,421
Mixed.
180
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:42,799
Like when they mix
the red one and the blue one.
181
00:10:44,093 --> 00:10:45,886
And a pack of Twizzlers.
182
00:11:07,408 --> 00:11:09,618
The comic books had it wrong.
183
00:11:10,078 --> 00:11:14,706
It didn't take a trauma or cosmic rays
or a power ring to make a superhero.
184
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:20,087
Just the perfect combination
of optimism and naivety.
185
00:11:54,122 --> 00:11:56,665
You are fucking awesome.
186
00:11:59,460 --> 00:12:01,503
Come on then, bring it on!
187
00:12:28,656 --> 00:12:29,906
Daddy, I'm scared.
188
00:12:29,991 --> 00:12:31,908
Come on, Mindy, honey.
189
00:12:31,993 --> 00:12:34,745
Be a big girl now.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
190
00:12:35,079 --> 00:12:37,664
- Is it gonna hurt bad?
- Oh, child.
191
00:12:38,249 --> 00:12:40,042
Only for a second, sugar.
192
00:12:40,126 --> 00:12:43,170
A handgun bullet travels at... More than?
193
00:12:43,254 --> 00:12:45,756
- 700 miles an hour.
- 700 miles an hour.
194
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:49,926
So at close range like this, the force
is gonna take you off your feet for sure,
195
00:12:50,511 --> 00:12:53,138
but it's really no more painful
than a punch in the chest.
196
00:12:53,681 --> 00:12:55,724
I hate getting punched in the chest.
197
00:12:56,351 --> 00:12:58,685
You're gonna be fine, baby doll.
198
00:13:06,110 --> 00:13:08,362
How was that? Not so bad.
199
00:13:08,946 --> 00:13:11,865
Kind of fun, huh?
Now you know how it feels.
200
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:15,494
You won't be scared
when some junkie asshole pulls a Glock.
201
00:13:15,578 --> 00:13:18,372
- I wouldn't have been scared anyways.
- That's my girl.
202
00:13:18,456 --> 00:13:22,793
All right, up you get. Come on.
Two more rounds and then home.
203
00:13:23,002 --> 00:13:24,127
Again?
204
00:13:25,421 --> 00:13:28,131
Look, only if we can go
by the bowling alley on the way back.
205
00:13:28,591 --> 00:13:30,133
The bowling alley?
206
00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:32,594
Yeah. And ice cream after.
207
00:13:34,889 --> 00:13:37,307
Okay. Two more rounds.
208
00:13:37,558 --> 00:13:42,854
No wincing, no whining,
and you got yourself a deal, young lady.
209
00:13:42,939 --> 00:13:45,816
Yeah! I'm gonna get a hot fudge sundae.
210
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:47,734
Good call, baby doll.
211
00:13:51,072 --> 00:13:54,616
So, have you thought a little more about
what you might want for your birthday?
212
00:13:55,410 --> 00:13:56,785
Can I get a puppy?
213
00:13:58,287 --> 00:13:59,538
You wanna get a dog?
214
00:13:59,747 --> 00:14:01,665
Yeah, a cuddly, fluffy one.
215
00:14:01,749 --> 00:14:04,167
And a Bratz Movie Star Makeover Sasha.
216
00:14:09,424 --> 00:14:11,133
I'm just fucking with you, Daddy.
217
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:13,927
Look, I'd love
a Benchmade Model 42 butterfly knife.
218
00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:16,179
Oh, child.
219
00:14:16,431 --> 00:14:18,765
You always knock me for a loop.
220
00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:19,933
- You know what?
- What?
221
00:14:20,017 --> 00:14:21,977
- I'm gonna get you two.
- Two?
222
00:14:22,061 --> 00:14:25,105
One balisong. Two balisong.
That's what you get.
223
00:14:43,833 --> 00:14:46,835
"The glass of fashion and the mold of form
224
00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:50,547
"The observed of all observers
quite, quite down!
225
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:53,800
"And I, of ladies
most deject and wretched..."
226
00:14:59,807 --> 00:15:01,099
I'll be honest,
227
00:15:01,184 --> 00:15:05,270
there wasn't a whole lot
of crime-fighting in those first few weeks.
228
00:15:05,354 --> 00:15:08,523
But even so,
my new vocation kept me plenty busy.
229
00:15:13,821 --> 00:15:14,821
Shit.
230
00:15:14,906 --> 00:15:16,865
I called it preparation.
231
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:24,748
But if you called it fantasizing,
it would have been hard to argue.
232
00:15:25,333 --> 00:15:28,835
All I knew was
I'd never felt so good about myself.
233
00:15:45,978 --> 00:15:47,062
Fuck!
234
00:15:48,147 --> 00:15:51,358
Okay, maybe I was still
in the beta-testing phase,
235
00:15:51,943 --> 00:15:53,693
but it was a start.
236
00:16:10,711 --> 00:16:12,337
What the fuck are you looking at?
237
00:16:13,339 --> 00:16:15,465
- Nothing.
- Get the fuck out of here.
238
00:16:20,721 --> 00:16:22,806
Like every serial killer already knew,
239
00:16:22,890 --> 00:16:26,518
eventually, fantasizing
just doesn't do it for you anymore.
240
00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:28,895
It was time to engage.
241
00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:32,232
Hurry up, man.
242
00:16:35,403 --> 00:16:36,903
What the fuck?
243
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:47,539
What the fuck you looking at?
244
00:16:48,499 --> 00:16:51,209
I said, what the fuck are you looking at?
245
00:16:56,048 --> 00:16:58,508
Two cheap-shit losers screwing with a car
246
00:16:58,593 --> 00:17:02,053
that someone probably
worked their ass off to pay for.
247
00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:05,098
- Say what?
- Leave it be, man.
248
00:17:06,475 --> 00:17:09,019
This motherfucker is obviously high.
249
00:17:09,770 --> 00:17:11,187
I'm not high.
250
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:14,107
I just think it sucks
you guys think you can do what you want.
251
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:18,236
Just walk away from the car
and we can forget about this.
252
00:17:21,115 --> 00:17:22,824
You're crazy, man.
253
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,743
Fuck this shit.
254
00:17:38,382 --> 00:17:41,051
- Shit!
- Let's get out of here!
255
00:18:22,385 --> 00:18:24,594
I came around for just long enough
to beg the medic
256
00:18:24,679 --> 00:18:27,263
not to tell anybody about the costume.
257
00:18:27,682 --> 00:18:29,683
He promised he wouldn't.
258
00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:33,728
All I knew was my dad was gonna kill me.
259
00:18:48,953 --> 00:18:51,621
Why can't I have a gun?
I'm a security guard.
260
00:18:51,706 --> 00:18:54,040
You're a doorman now.
You don't get a gun no more.
261
00:18:54,125 --> 00:18:55,458
Look at me. I look like a putz.
262
00:18:55,543 --> 00:18:59,629
You look sharp. Look at all them buttons.
Do your job. Open the fucking door.
263
00:19:02,550 --> 00:19:04,134
Have a nice day.
264
00:19:32,121 --> 00:19:34,831
- Good morning, Frank.
- Hey, Joe, how you doing?
265
00:19:34,915 --> 00:19:36,916
- Great.
- Want some coffee?
266
00:19:37,418 --> 00:19:39,294
Maybe later. Morning, Ange.
267
00:19:39,378 --> 00:19:40,420
- Good morning.
- Chris.
268
00:19:40,504 --> 00:19:42,172
Good morning, Joe.
269
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:44,758
Frank, we got a thing.
270
00:19:46,510 --> 00:19:48,470
It's a big thing, Frank.
271
00:19:51,515 --> 00:19:52,640
Okay.
272
00:19:53,601 --> 00:19:54,768
Sorry, hon.
273
00:19:55,394 --> 00:19:56,603
Do what you got to do.
274
00:20:01,567 --> 00:20:03,068
Chris, where do you think you're going?
275
00:20:03,152 --> 00:20:05,403
- I got to talk to Dad.
- Christopher.
276
00:20:05,488 --> 00:20:06,946
Frank, honey!
277
00:20:09,450 --> 00:20:10,825
Where do you think you're going?
278
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:13,703
I don't...
I don't mind you talking business, Dad.
279
00:20:13,788 --> 00:20:14,996
I was just gonna sit in there quietly.
280
00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:17,624
I mean, I should probably
start learning this stuff anyway, right?
281
00:20:17,708 --> 00:20:19,250
Hey, go finish your oatmeal.
282
00:20:19,335 --> 00:20:23,296
God damn it! I'm gonna be 18
in eight months, for Christ's sakes.
283
00:20:23,464 --> 00:20:24,631
Fuck.
284
00:20:26,509 --> 00:20:27,926
Take a seat.
285
00:20:30,971 --> 00:20:33,848
- So what's the problem?
- Our Russian says that Tre just sold him
286
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:36,351
another five keys at half price.
287
00:20:36,811 --> 00:20:38,728
Which Tre? Tre Tre?
288
00:20:38,813 --> 00:20:40,480
Right. Dead Tre.
289
00:20:40,981 --> 00:20:42,816
So now I'm getting fucked
in the ass by a ghost?
290
00:20:43,150 --> 00:20:44,776
Or Tre was telling the truth.
291
00:20:45,319 --> 00:20:50,156
What, this is my choice,
I gotta believe in ghosts or superheroes?
292
00:20:50,533 --> 00:20:52,575
Well, not the part about
the superhero, Frankie,
293
00:20:52,660 --> 00:20:55,995
but just that he might have
really been gaffled by somebody.
294
00:21:00,042 --> 00:21:03,670
I think we'd better invite
our Russian over for a friendly chat,
295
00:21:05,714 --> 00:21:07,841
see what's really going on.
296
00:21:23,274 --> 00:21:24,524
Hey, early birdie.
297
00:21:25,276 --> 00:21:28,361
You beat me to it.
I wanted to get you breakfast this morning.
298
00:21:29,029 --> 00:21:31,030
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
299
00:21:32,700 --> 00:21:34,033
Check this out.
300
00:21:42,751 --> 00:21:44,794
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
301
00:21:44,879 --> 00:21:46,296
Oh, my gosh.
302
00:21:46,714 --> 00:21:47,755
Dad.
303
00:21:50,968 --> 00:21:52,051
Wow.
304
00:21:52,386 --> 00:21:53,720
Watch, Dad.
305
00:21:54,096 --> 00:21:55,763
Okay, pop quiz.
306
00:21:55,848 --> 00:21:57,473
What's the proper name for one of those?
307
00:21:57,558 --> 00:22:00,059
Easy, balisong. It's Filipino.
Ask me another.
308
00:22:00,144 --> 00:22:01,311
Excellent, good.
309
00:22:01,395 --> 00:22:07,275
The AR-15 was a lighter,
smaller caliber version of what design?
310
00:22:07,735 --> 00:22:10,737
Eugene Stoner's AR-10.
Now give me a hard one.
311
00:22:11,071 --> 00:22:12,572
The name of
312
00:22:14,074 --> 00:22:17,243
John Woo's first full-length feature?
313
00:22:17,578 --> 00:22:19,829
Tie han rou qing, The Young Dragons.
314
00:22:20,206 --> 00:22:21,581
Daddy, look.
315
00:22:21,874 --> 00:22:24,292
Hey, come on, you're not looking.
316
00:22:26,462 --> 00:22:29,672
The point is,
some fucker is killing our guys.
317
00:22:30,174 --> 00:22:32,258
Until we find out who that is,
I don't wanna see
318
00:22:32,343 --> 00:22:35,011
any of you bitches sitting around
on your asses, all right?
319
00:22:35,095 --> 00:22:36,763
What the fuck do you...
320
00:22:37,181 --> 00:22:38,223
Hello?
321
00:22:38,807 --> 00:22:40,308
Hey, Joe, yeah.
322
00:22:40,559 --> 00:22:42,727
No, he's just training right now.
323
00:22:43,103 --> 00:22:44,103
One second.
324
00:22:44,813 --> 00:22:46,481
Dad, phone!
325
00:22:48,776 --> 00:22:50,652
- Dad, the phone's for you.
- Who is it?
326
00:22:50,945 --> 00:22:52,237
It's Joe.
327
00:22:56,575 --> 00:22:58,034
- What's the problem?
- Yeah, Frank,
328
00:22:58,118 --> 00:23:00,078
turns out we ain't got
the vise here no more.
329
00:23:00,162 --> 00:23:01,412
Really?
330
00:23:02,122 --> 00:23:04,540
But we do got
a brand-new industrial microwave.
331
00:23:04,625 --> 00:23:05,792
They use it for treating the lumber.
332
00:23:05,876 --> 00:23:07,585
Well, that is neat.
333
00:23:08,295 --> 00:23:10,046
I think you must be confusing me
with someone
334
00:23:10,130 --> 00:23:12,131
who gives a shit about the fucking lumber!
335
00:23:12,216 --> 00:23:14,509
Yeah, okay, all right, Frank.
All right, I'm sorry.
336
00:23:14,593 --> 00:23:16,052
- I'm sorry, okay?
...get the information.
337
00:23:16,136 --> 00:23:17,762
All right, okay!
338
00:23:19,139 --> 00:23:20,306
All right, come on. Go ahead.
339
00:23:20,557 --> 00:23:24,060
Hey, look, the guys tell me
he's Tre Fernandez. What do I know?
340
00:23:24,144 --> 00:23:25,895
- Shut up.
- Now you say Fernandez is dead.
341
00:23:25,980 --> 00:23:27,939
- Get inside. Shut up!
- Okay, no, he lied!
342
00:23:28,023 --> 00:23:30,441
- He lie about...
- Fucking mamaluke.
343
00:23:30,609 --> 00:23:31,818
He lied!
344
00:23:32,653 --> 00:23:34,487
Does this work like
a regular microwave or what?
345
00:23:34,947 --> 00:23:37,448
Fuck do I know? We're not making
a fucking Hungry-Man dinner here.
346
00:23:37,533 --> 00:23:39,158
Just turn it on.
347
00:23:42,121 --> 00:23:43,121
Here we go.
348
00:23:43,205 --> 00:23:45,957
Okay, I wanna know who sold you our coke.
349
00:23:46,458 --> 00:23:49,544
And don't tell me somebody
who's dead this time.
350
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:55,883
Can he hear you?
I don't think he can hear you.
351
00:23:57,386 --> 00:24:00,930
I said, who really sold you our coke?
352
00:24:04,810 --> 00:24:05,977
Who
353
00:24:06,437 --> 00:24:08,479
sold you
354
00:24:09,189 --> 00:24:11,065
our coke?
355
00:24:14,153 --> 00:24:15,820
Shit. Shit.
356
00:24:20,993 --> 00:24:24,370
This is awesome!
I look like fricking Wolverine.
357
00:24:25,497 --> 00:24:28,124
They still have
that metal detector at your school?
358
00:24:28,208 --> 00:24:30,585
Yeah, it's gonna have a meltdown.
359
00:24:33,088 --> 00:24:35,506
Dave, I need to ask you something.
360
00:24:37,384 --> 00:24:38,509
Okay.
361
00:24:38,844 --> 00:24:40,470
The police report,
362
00:24:40,554 --> 00:24:41,804
they found you naked.
363
00:24:41,889 --> 00:24:44,307
You said you didn't remember why.
364
00:24:44,933 --> 00:24:47,060
The muggers, they didn't...
365
00:24:48,395 --> 00:24:49,479
What?
366
00:24:51,899 --> 00:24:53,608
No! Jesus.
367
00:24:54,109 --> 00:24:56,277
No, I... I wasn't even...
368
00:24:57,571 --> 00:24:59,572
In the ambulance,
they threw my clothes away
369
00:24:59,656 --> 00:25:01,783
- 'cause of the blood.
- Right.
370
00:25:02,034 --> 00:25:03,409
Okay, okay.
371
00:25:04,203 --> 00:25:05,995
Dad. Dad.
372
00:25:09,041 --> 00:25:11,793
Seemed like no time at all
before I was back on my feet.
373
00:25:11,877 --> 00:25:14,087
- Dave's what?
- Not now.
374
00:25:15,130 --> 00:25:17,173
Apart from some messed up nerve endings,
375
00:25:17,257 --> 00:25:20,343
the doctors had managed
to fix me up pretty good.
376
00:25:20,427 --> 00:25:22,011
- Did you feel that?
- No.
377
00:25:22,096 --> 00:25:25,390
You're like fucking Jason Bourne
or something, man. That owns.
378
00:25:25,474 --> 00:25:27,475
- How about that?
- No, Marty!
379
00:25:27,643 --> 00:25:29,477
Give it a fucking rest, man.
380
00:25:29,561 --> 00:25:30,895
I've only been back half a day,
381
00:25:30,979 --> 00:25:32,897
and you're already
making me miss the hospital.
382
00:25:32,981 --> 00:25:35,858
He's right. I'm sorry.
I'm acting totally childish.
383
00:25:35,943 --> 00:25:38,277
- Stop with the fork.
- I apologize.
384
00:25:49,498 --> 00:25:50,665
Hey.
385
00:25:53,127 --> 00:25:54,585
Dave, hey.
386
00:25:56,463 --> 00:25:57,630
Hey.
387
00:25:58,424 --> 00:26:00,550
How are you? You look better.
388
00:26:01,260 --> 00:26:04,262
I'm good. Yeah, much better.
389
00:26:04,346 --> 00:26:06,180
Hey, you're into comic books, aren't you?
390
00:26:07,099 --> 00:26:09,642
Well, me and Erika
sometimes hang out after school
391
00:26:09,726 --> 00:26:12,186
at this really great store Atomic Comics.
392
00:26:12,271 --> 00:26:15,064
They make the best
white chocolate mocha latte.
393
00:26:15,149 --> 00:26:16,274
Yeah?
394
00:26:18,152 --> 00:26:21,863
Well, I could buy you one sometime
if you, you know, like,
395
00:26:21,947 --> 00:26:23,906
need someone to talk to.
396
00:26:25,993 --> 00:26:27,660
Sure. Thank you.
397
00:26:27,744 --> 00:26:30,538
Okay, sweet. Well, I'll see you later.
398
00:26:34,460 --> 00:26:35,710
- Man, did you see that?
- Yeah.
399
00:26:35,794 --> 00:26:37,962
Katie Deauxma
just offered to buy me coffee.
400
00:26:38,046 --> 00:26:40,840
Yeah. You know,
I really don't think that's what it looks like.
401
00:26:40,924 --> 00:26:43,634
- What are you talking about?
- The point is,
402
00:26:43,719 --> 00:26:46,262
Katie Deauxma's all about the lame ducks.
403
00:26:46,346 --> 00:26:47,763
What's this got to do with me?
404
00:26:47,848 --> 00:26:50,349
I've been trying to figure out
how to tell you this.
405
00:26:51,477 --> 00:26:53,728
- There's a rumor going around...
- Right.
406
00:26:53,812 --> 00:26:55,313
...that you...
- What?
407
00:26:55,397 --> 00:26:57,273
...are gay.
- Gay?
408
00:26:57,399 --> 00:26:58,816
What kind of rumor is that?
409
00:26:58,901 --> 00:27:00,193
Well, you know, I mean, getting mugged...
410
00:27:00,277 --> 00:27:02,695
- You guys have been mugged!
- Yeah, I know, but,
411
00:27:02,779 --> 00:27:05,364
you know, we didn't get beat up
and have all our clothes taken off.
412
00:27:05,449 --> 00:27:08,326
That's not even true.
The medic threw my clothes away.
413
00:27:09,369 --> 00:27:11,621
You know, don't worry about it.
Rumors don't mean shit.
414
00:27:11,705 --> 00:27:13,623
- We know the truth. Yeah.
- Right?
415
00:27:13,707 --> 00:27:16,042
And who knows, buddy,
this might even get you laid.
416
00:27:16,126 --> 00:27:19,420
No, not if she thinks he's gay, Todd.
You fucking retard.
417
00:27:19,505 --> 00:27:21,297
Thanks, Marty,
this is really fucking helping me.
418
00:27:21,381 --> 00:27:22,465
I'm just being honest!
419
00:27:26,345 --> 00:27:28,596
I was getting back to my old self.
420
00:27:29,056 --> 00:27:33,184
I should have quit, of course,
but you can't just reprogram yourself.
421
00:27:33,894 --> 00:27:37,063
What you want, who you are,
your purpose in life.
422
00:27:37,439 --> 00:27:39,565
No, I'm just standing around, you know.
423
00:27:40,442 --> 00:27:41,943
No, I'm not!
424
00:27:42,027 --> 00:27:43,069
It is what it is.
425
00:27:43,153 --> 00:27:45,071
How about that, huh?
426
00:27:46,740 --> 00:27:49,534
Yeah. Didn't see that, did you?
427
00:27:49,618 --> 00:27:51,494
I think it's best that you just walk away.
428
00:27:51,578 --> 00:27:52,870
Well, maybe you shouldn't do that.
429
00:27:53,205 --> 00:27:56,082
What? Are you looking at me?
Well, this is my business.
430
00:28:08,095 --> 00:28:11,180
Me? My hardware was fixed now.
431
00:28:11,723 --> 00:28:15,101
I was back and running
Kick-Ass version 2.0.
432
00:28:24,820 --> 00:28:26,696
Excuse me, have you seen this cat?
433
00:28:26,780 --> 00:28:29,115
- No.
- No? Okay, thank you.
434
00:28:29,408 --> 00:28:32,159
Excuse me, ma'am. Have you seen this cat?
435
00:28:34,413 --> 00:28:36,789
I'm sorry. Did you see this cat?
436
00:28:37,541 --> 00:28:39,333
No? Okay.
437
00:29:00,314 --> 00:29:01,772
Oh, great.
438
00:29:03,150 --> 00:29:06,110
Here, kitty. Here, Mr. Bitey.
439
00:29:11,825 --> 00:29:13,409
Come on... No, no, no, no, no!
440
00:29:13,493 --> 00:29:15,244
No, no, no. Mr. Bitey, come on.
441
00:29:15,746 --> 00:29:18,331
Back here, come on.
Let's get you home. Come on.
442
00:29:31,303 --> 00:29:33,137
Fuck you, Mr. Bitey!
443
00:29:36,808 --> 00:29:39,977
- Oh, God, I'm so sorry, man.
- You fucking green...
444
00:29:41,688 --> 00:29:43,356
Get up. Get him up.
445
00:29:43,982 --> 00:29:46,108
- Get up.
- Thanks, freak.
446
00:29:48,904 --> 00:29:52,365
- Hey, leave him alone!
- Fuck off, man. It's none of your business!
447
00:29:55,327 --> 00:29:56,702
Yes, it is.
448
00:30:24,815 --> 00:30:26,565
Hey! Call 911!
449
00:30:32,072 --> 00:30:34,865
Hey, there's a dude
dressed like a superhero out there
450
00:30:34,950 --> 00:30:36,200
fighting a bunch of guys.
451
00:30:40,872 --> 00:30:42,123
It's fucking awesome!
452
00:31:10,277 --> 00:31:11,902
Leave him alone!
453
00:31:17,951 --> 00:31:20,286
Give it up, man. Just walk away.
454
00:31:21,580 --> 00:31:22,705
No. Never.
455
00:31:24,082 --> 00:31:25,666
What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
456
00:31:25,751 --> 00:31:29,795
You'd rather die for some piece of shit
that you don't even fucking know?
457
00:31:30,589 --> 00:31:32,006
And three assholes
458
00:31:32,090 --> 00:31:34,133
laying into one guy
while everybody else watches,
459
00:31:35,635 --> 00:31:37,803
and you want to know
what's wrong with me?
460
00:31:40,307 --> 00:31:42,433
Yeah, I'd rather die.
461
00:31:43,059 --> 00:31:44,685
So bring it on!
462
00:31:48,774 --> 00:31:49,899
You're fucking crazy, kid.
463
00:31:54,196 --> 00:31:55,196
Fuck.
464
00:31:56,990 --> 00:31:58,616
Thank you.
465
00:31:58,700 --> 00:31:59,742
What?
466
00:32:00,952 --> 00:32:01,994
Thank you.
467
00:32:05,290 --> 00:32:07,541
That fucking rocked. Who are you?
468
00:32:10,086 --> 00:32:11,629
I'm Kick-Ass.
469
00:32:16,176 --> 00:32:18,761
- Dude, you gotta check this shit out.
- What is it?
470
00:32:18,845 --> 00:32:22,014
...on the latest corruption scandal.
And coming up after the hour,
471
00:32:22,098 --> 00:32:25,559
a costumed vigilante
has become the latest Internet phenomenon
472
00:32:25,644 --> 00:32:29,104
after a Hamilton Park resident
filmed the man's remarkable intervention
473
00:32:29,189 --> 00:32:30,648
in a gang-related attack last week.
474
00:32:30,732 --> 00:32:32,525
- This is awesome.
- Fuck, yeah.
475
00:32:32,859 --> 00:32:35,402
Welcome to this special edition
of Eye on New York.
476
00:32:35,904 --> 00:32:38,447
How far would you go
to help your fellow man?
477
00:32:38,698 --> 00:32:41,951
This colorful individual
has been all over the news this week
478
00:32:42,035 --> 00:32:45,120
after a video of his intervention
of street-gang violence
479
00:32:45,205 --> 00:32:48,123
became the most-watched clip
on the Internet.
480
00:32:48,208 --> 00:32:51,585
Three assholes laying into one guy while...
481
00:32:51,670 --> 00:32:57,800
My MySpace, 38 friends.
Kick-Ass's MySpace, 16,000 and counting.
482
00:32:58,218 --> 00:33:01,720
This thing was going crazy,
and I was loving it.
483
00:33:01,805 --> 00:33:05,391
And finally,
we want to know who is this man?
484
00:33:05,475 --> 00:33:09,061
Does anyone have any idea
who this wetsuit crusader is?
485
00:33:09,437 --> 00:33:11,981
He must be someone's son,
someone's brother,
486
00:33:12,065 --> 00:33:13,983
- someone's next-door neighbor.
- Holy shit.
487
00:33:14,067 --> 00:33:15,651
- Have you seen him?
- What happened?
488
00:33:15,735 --> 00:33:18,195
What happened? This guy happened.
489
00:33:19,698 --> 00:33:21,740
It's a great day for America, everybody.
490
00:33:21,825 --> 00:33:25,828
Yeah, everybody's favorite superhero
right now, Kick-Ass, right?
491
00:33:25,912 --> 00:33:29,164
Kick-Ass! Yeah!
492
00:33:30,166 --> 00:33:34,295
I like Kick-Ass! His costume is crappy.
493
00:33:34,546 --> 00:33:36,130
He looks like a transvestite...
494
00:33:36,214 --> 00:33:39,341
You know what? Everyone likes Kick-Ass.
495
00:33:39,426 --> 00:33:41,719
Did you see the clip?
He was actually pretty good.
496
00:33:41,803 --> 00:33:44,430
Good at getting his ass kicked.
497
00:33:44,514 --> 00:33:47,975
He should call himselfAss-Kick instead.
498
00:33:48,059 --> 00:33:49,268
That doesn't even make sense.
499
00:33:49,352 --> 00:33:52,271
...transvestite that is Kick-Ass
will take you down, I say!
500
00:33:52,355 --> 00:33:54,189
That guy's gonna end up dead,
that's what I think.
501
00:33:54,274 --> 00:33:56,567
Are you serious? The guy owns.
502
00:33:56,651 --> 00:33:59,361
I'd e-mail his site
if I had a problem worth fixing.
503
00:33:59,446 --> 00:34:01,614
What? Are you kidding me?
I got 100 guys who can fix a problem,
504
00:34:01,698 --> 00:34:04,074
you'd hire some putz in pantyhose?
505
00:34:04,159 --> 00:34:07,453
Well, I wouldn't wanna get in the way
of your business, where I'm not wanted.
506
00:34:07,537 --> 00:34:10,039
Please, I know
you have mistaken me for Kick-Ass,
507
00:34:10,123 --> 00:34:12,082
but I am not Kick-Ass.
508
00:34:30,727 --> 00:34:33,729
- You don't actually read comics?
- Yeah, I just started.
509
00:34:33,813 --> 00:34:35,314
I got recommended some.
510
00:34:35,398 --> 00:34:38,442
Like Scott Pilgrim and Shojo Beat,
that kind of thing.
511
00:34:38,526 --> 00:34:41,403
I'm not really into
the whole superhero thing, though.
512
00:34:42,238 --> 00:34:45,783
So I guess you're not gonna line up
for that new Kick-Ass comic then?
513
00:34:45,867 --> 00:34:46,909
I guess not.
514
00:34:47,744 --> 00:34:50,245
But you know what?
I was seriously thinking of mailing his site.
515
00:34:50,330 --> 00:34:52,831
I mean, I could really use some help
from a guy like that right now.
516
00:34:53,083 --> 00:34:55,501
Help? Really? What with?
517
00:34:56,544 --> 00:34:58,379
You know I volunteer
at the needle exchange.
518
00:34:59,547 --> 00:35:00,673
No, I didn't.
519
00:35:00,757 --> 00:35:04,343
Well, there's this one guy Rasul,
and I felt so sorry for him.
520
00:35:04,427 --> 00:35:08,514
And the more I found out
about his upbringing and stuff, I just...
521
00:35:10,558 --> 00:35:14,353
Wow, that's weird.
I'm usually the one playing therapist.
522
00:35:17,065 --> 00:35:19,191
Can I make a confession?
523
00:35:19,859 --> 00:35:23,654
Ever since I was little,
I've always wanted a friend
524
00:35:24,364 --> 00:35:25,906
like you.
525
00:35:26,825 --> 00:35:28,409
- Is it okay to say that?
- Yeah.
526
00:35:28,493 --> 00:35:30,119
I mean, that's not homophobic, is it?
527
00:35:31,871 --> 00:35:34,707
I mean, I don't think
you're all the same or anything.
528
00:35:43,550 --> 00:35:47,302
- Of course not, no.
- Thank you.
529
00:35:52,267 --> 00:35:56,562
I don't know if I was everything Katie
had always dreamed her gay BFF would be,
530
00:35:56,646 --> 00:35:58,313
but I tried my best.
531
00:35:58,398 --> 00:36:02,026
But more importantly,
I talked her into mailing Kick-Ass.
532
00:36:03,069 --> 00:36:07,156
Long story short,
this particular lame duck of hers
533
00:36:07,240 --> 00:36:09,908
turned out to be more of a lame cobra.
534
00:36:10,452 --> 00:36:12,745
She didn't want the money back
that she'd given him
535
00:36:12,829 --> 00:36:16,081
or an apology for the black eye
he'd given her.
536
00:36:16,166 --> 00:36:18,292
She just wanted him
to get that they were through
537
00:36:18,376 --> 00:36:20,002
and leave her alone.
538
00:36:20,086 --> 00:36:24,423
And let's be real, no other request
could have given me more pleasure.
539
00:36:41,608 --> 00:36:45,110
Who the fuck are you supposed to be,
the Green Condom?
540
00:36:45,904 --> 00:36:48,864
You know it ain't Halloween
for another few months, kid?
541
00:36:48,948 --> 00:36:50,074
I'm here to see Rasul.
542
00:36:52,285 --> 00:36:54,119
Who the fuck are you?
543
00:36:54,204 --> 00:36:56,705
I'm... I'm a friend of Katie's.
544
00:37:02,796 --> 00:37:04,880
Kids nowadays in their tights.
545
00:37:19,312 --> 00:37:22,272
So, which one of you guys is Rasul?
546
00:37:29,239 --> 00:37:33,283
I'm Rasul. Can't you tell by my big titties?
547
00:37:36,871 --> 00:37:39,164
What is this? Trick or treat or something?
548
00:37:40,375 --> 00:37:42,417
Fuck! Now I'm dead.
549
00:37:43,837 --> 00:37:47,256
I have a message for Rasul
about Katie Deauxma.
550
00:37:50,635 --> 00:37:52,928
- Katie?
- You're Rasul?
551
00:37:53,638 --> 00:37:57,432
Okay. You gotta stay away from Katie now.
It's over.
552
00:37:57,809 --> 00:38:01,311
So if you just leave her alone,
everything will be fine.
553
00:38:02,021 --> 00:38:03,188
What?
554
00:38:04,399 --> 00:38:08,318
Yo, kid, who the hell are you?
And what is this?
555
00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:11,613
I'm Kick-Ass. Look me up.
556
00:38:12,115 --> 00:38:14,408
And this is me giving you a message.
557
00:38:14,492 --> 00:38:16,535
Leave Katie alone.
558
00:38:29,132 --> 00:38:30,382
Or what?
559
00:38:34,846 --> 00:38:37,181
Or I'll come back
560
00:38:38,725 --> 00:38:40,475
and break your fucking legs.
561
00:38:45,648 --> 00:38:47,191
I'm right here now, baby. What's up?
562
00:38:49,611 --> 00:38:50,903
Oh, fuck!
563
00:38:57,994 --> 00:38:59,244
Hold him.
564
00:39:06,085 --> 00:39:08,128
You are so fucking dead, man.
565
00:39:23,061 --> 00:39:26,730
Okay, you cunts,
let's see what you can do now.
566
00:39:27,565 --> 00:39:32,027
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
567
00:39:41,996 --> 00:39:43,121
Oh, shit!
568
00:39:52,799 --> 00:39:53,840
What the fuck?
569
00:40:21,619 --> 00:40:23,036
Hey, I got one of those.
570
00:40:41,097 --> 00:40:42,347
Come on.
571
00:40:43,141 --> 00:40:44,224
So you want to play.
572
00:41:01,159 --> 00:41:02,534
What the fuck?
573
00:41:05,747 --> 00:41:09,041
Dude, that is one gay-looking Taser.
574
00:41:12,003 --> 00:41:14,379
Relax, we're on the same team.
575
00:41:15,548 --> 00:41:17,466
- Hey, get up.
- No...
576
00:41:23,056 --> 00:41:26,600
Now, Hit Girl,
we always keep our backs where?
577
00:41:27,393 --> 00:41:29,186
To the wall, Daddy. I know.
578
00:41:30,313 --> 00:41:31,855
It won't happen again.
579
00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:34,900
- Nice shot, by the way.
- Thank you.
580
00:41:52,794 --> 00:41:54,086
Let's go.
581
00:41:55,463 --> 00:41:58,715
Hey, hey, asshole.
Can't use the front door now.
582
00:42:13,439 --> 00:42:15,065
Wait, wait, wait!
583
00:42:15,942 --> 00:42:17,109
What?
584
00:42:18,152 --> 00:42:19,236
Who are you?
585
00:42:19,612 --> 00:42:20,779
Me?
586
00:42:21,697 --> 00:42:23,198
I'm Hit Girl.
587
00:42:24,784 --> 00:42:26,785
And that's Big Daddy.
588
00:42:33,543 --> 00:42:34,793
Come on.
589
00:42:39,674 --> 00:42:40,715
Come on!
590
00:43:17,587 --> 00:43:21,006
Hit Girl and Big Daddy,
they were the real deal.
591
00:43:23,676 --> 00:43:24,885
Me?
592
00:43:25,511 --> 00:43:28,263
I was just a stupid dick in a wetsuit.
593
00:43:43,863 --> 00:43:45,489
What is this? What am I looking at here?
594
00:43:46,282 --> 00:43:49,618
It was Sal's phone.
They found it in his hand.
595
00:43:49,702 --> 00:43:51,786
He must have taken that
right before he died.
596
00:43:52,288 --> 00:43:56,458
I know this sounds fucked up, Frankie,
but that guy in the picture,
597
00:43:56,959 --> 00:44:00,045
I think it's that superhero nutjob
from the TV.
598
00:44:00,338 --> 00:44:01,379
Who?
599
00:44:02,340 --> 00:44:03,548
Kick-Ass?
600
00:44:04,258 --> 00:44:05,509
One guy?
601
00:44:06,385 --> 00:44:09,179
Hold on, you're telling me
one guy killed eight of my men tonight?
602
00:44:14,060 --> 00:44:17,812
Eight at Sal's place, four at that kid Rasul's.
603
00:44:19,524 --> 00:44:21,608
We have no merchandise
on the street at all?
604
00:44:21,692 --> 00:44:22,859
Right.
605
00:44:25,571 --> 00:44:27,697
- One guy?
- I think.
606
00:44:28,407 --> 00:44:32,077
Man, if you're right, we're gonna look like
the biggest bunch of pussies in New York.
607
00:44:32,745 --> 00:44:34,079
What do you want me to do?
608
00:44:35,248 --> 00:44:39,918
I want Kick-Ass's fucking head
on a stick, and I want it now.
609
00:44:49,762 --> 00:44:51,763
I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear.
610
00:44:52,098 --> 00:44:55,767
Good move, Ass-Kick.
Let's keep it that way.
611
00:44:57,395 --> 00:44:58,603
You know what this is?
612
00:44:59,730 --> 00:45:03,275
It's all the cartridge crap that comes out
of your gay little Taser when you fire it.
613
00:45:03,609 --> 00:45:07,070
You do know the police could have traced
this right back to you if they'd found it?
614
00:45:07,154 --> 00:45:09,823
But lucky for you, I picked it up.
615
00:45:11,492 --> 00:45:12,492
Thank you.
616
00:45:13,578 --> 00:45:17,497
Let's call it insurance.
Makes it easier for us to take your word.
617
00:45:17,707 --> 00:45:20,750
See, we like you, but we don't trust you.
618
00:45:22,128 --> 00:45:24,754
Don't take it personal, though.
We don't trust anybody.
619
00:45:24,839 --> 00:45:30,885
I rerouted your IP address.
Finding you was way too easy.
620
00:45:31,804 --> 00:45:34,889
Shit. Shit, I hadn't thought...
621
00:45:35,182 --> 00:45:37,851
My God, I... I owe you.
622
00:45:38,477 --> 00:45:41,771
You know what? I'm thinking of
just shutting my site down anyway.
623
00:45:41,856 --> 00:45:44,190
Quitting. I mean, this is...
624
00:45:44,442 --> 00:45:48,153
It's fucking insane. I'm in way over my head.
625
00:45:48,446 --> 00:45:50,739
It's a shame. You have potential.
626
00:45:50,823 --> 00:45:53,783
Your call,
but you know we're around if you need us.
627
00:45:55,328 --> 00:45:57,162
How do I get a hold of you?
628
00:45:57,246 --> 00:46:01,499
You just contact the mayor's office.
He has a special signal he shines in the sky.
629
00:46:01,584 --> 00:46:03,168
It's in the shape of a giant cock.
630
00:46:04,503 --> 00:46:06,921
You need us, put on your website
that you're on vacation.
631
00:46:07,006 --> 00:46:10,175
We'll find you.
Hit Girl, back to headquarters.
632
00:46:11,844 --> 00:46:13,303
Sweet dreams.
633
00:46:19,268 --> 00:46:20,935
I need you to get rid of Kick-Ass.
634
00:46:21,020 --> 00:46:23,730
- Yo. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's up?
- What's up?
635
00:46:24,190 --> 00:46:27,817
Kick-Ass is killing my men, Gigante,
that's what's up.
636
00:46:27,902 --> 00:46:29,569
My condolences, Frank.
637
00:46:29,779 --> 00:46:33,073
But I'm afraid
I can't help you out on this one.
638
00:46:33,157 --> 00:46:35,033
Little bit outside my jurisdiction.
639
00:46:35,409 --> 00:46:36,868
Outside your jurisdiction?
640
00:46:37,203 --> 00:46:39,162
You're a fucking cop,
and he's breaking the law.
641
00:46:39,246 --> 00:46:42,540
That's so inside your jurisdiction,
it's ball-deep in your jurisdiction's ass.
642
00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:46,670
Listen, cops pay me to nail the bad guys,
you pay me not to.
643
00:46:47,254 --> 00:46:48,797
Everything else is in the gray area.
644
00:46:48,881 --> 00:46:51,299
Yeah. Fuck you very much, Vic.
Just do it, okay?
645
00:46:53,344 --> 00:46:55,178
Un-fucking-believable.
646
00:46:56,389 --> 00:46:58,556
Where's Cody? He's late.
647
00:46:59,100 --> 00:47:03,228
Thank you, Cody.
We appreciate your co-operation.
648
00:47:03,604 --> 00:47:07,190
Let me out now?
I gave you all them names and addresses.
649
00:47:08,234 --> 00:47:09,651
Hey, I won't say nothing to nobody.
650
00:47:09,735 --> 00:47:12,237
You and your crazy midget friend
can go bash whoever you want...
651
00:47:12,321 --> 00:47:14,989
Hey, come on.
Hey, I know some very bad people uptown,
652
00:47:15,074 --> 00:47:18,159
really nasty individuals.
Let me go. Hey, come on!
653
00:47:18,661 --> 00:47:20,662
Hey, don't do this!
You don't need to do this!
654
00:47:20,746 --> 00:47:22,789
Come on. Oh, shit... Please!
655
00:47:22,873 --> 00:47:25,542
Hey! God! No, please, please!
656
00:47:25,751 --> 00:47:27,043
Come on, no, no!
657
00:47:46,856 --> 00:47:48,356
What a douche.
658
00:48:01,996 --> 00:48:04,664
You have done self tan before, right?
659
00:48:05,082 --> 00:48:07,417
Yeah, like, I do it all the time.
660
00:48:08,335 --> 00:48:11,713
Murder, superheroes
breaking into my bedroom,
661
00:48:11,797 --> 00:48:14,799
my life had turned into some
fucked-up dream I couldn't wake up from.
662
00:48:16,594 --> 00:48:19,471
Even the good parts were totally surreal.
663
00:48:19,889 --> 00:48:22,474
Hey, I read those old
Ditko Spider-Mans you gave me.
664
00:48:22,558 --> 00:48:24,934
They're actually pretty good.
665
00:48:25,019 --> 00:48:26,060
Yeah, they are.
666
00:48:28,063 --> 00:48:31,524
And it's been a whole week
since I've heard from Rasul.
667
00:48:33,986 --> 00:48:35,487
That's great.
668
00:49:30,709 --> 00:49:35,463
Once upon a time, there were
two supercops, called Daddy and Marcus,
669
00:49:36,090 --> 00:49:39,425
who were very good at getting bad guys.
670
00:49:39,927 --> 00:49:42,679
Frank D'Amico
was the baddest guy of them all,
671
00:49:42,763 --> 00:49:45,765
and he came up with a plan
to get rid of Daddy.
672
00:49:49,812 --> 00:49:52,897
Being framed as a drug dealer
was the worst possible thing
673
00:49:52,982 --> 00:49:55,400
that could have happened to Daddy.
674
00:49:57,236 --> 00:50:00,864
Prison was not his natural habitat.
675
00:50:00,948 --> 00:50:02,657
He was very upset.
676
00:50:06,287 --> 00:50:09,831
With Daddy in prison,
his pregnant wife was all alone
677
00:50:11,584 --> 00:50:13,293
and could not cope.
678
00:50:15,963 --> 00:50:20,216
But all clouds have a silver lining,
and out of her death,
679
00:50:23,888 --> 00:50:25,597
Mindy was born!
680
00:50:26,181 --> 00:50:29,017
Marcus became the child's guardian,
681
00:50:29,101 --> 00:50:32,020
and Daddy started a plan of his very own.
682
00:50:34,023 --> 00:50:38,192
Five years later, he left prison,
and he was ready.
683
00:50:42,114 --> 00:50:45,575
Now, it was time for Mindy to get ready, too.
684
00:50:53,417 --> 00:50:55,335
How'd you find me, Marcus?
685
00:50:55,961 --> 00:50:58,588
One of us is still a cop, remember?
686
00:51:07,181 --> 00:51:09,015
Is this how you brainwashed Mindy?
687
00:51:09,099 --> 00:51:11,559
You say brainwashed.
I say made it into a game.
688
00:51:11,894 --> 00:51:13,728
You call this playing, Damon?
689
00:51:13,938 --> 00:51:16,940
Vigilante justice, mass murder.
Come on, partner.
690
00:51:19,318 --> 00:51:20,818
So where is she?
691
00:51:21,362 --> 00:51:23,029
- She's safe.
- Can I see her?
692
00:51:24,907 --> 00:51:26,282
I miss her.
693
00:51:28,035 --> 00:51:29,661
I miss you both.
694
00:51:30,412 --> 00:51:33,957
I appreciate your concern.
But you need to go now.
695
00:51:40,339 --> 00:51:43,675
I should warn you, that asshole Gigante
is looking for Kick-Ass.
696
00:51:43,842 --> 00:51:45,760
He got something to do with you, Damon?
697
00:51:45,844 --> 00:51:49,013
You started some kind of
fucked-up superhero club?
698
00:51:49,348 --> 00:51:52,684
- Never heard of him.
- Okay, well, heads up, all right?
699
00:51:53,018 --> 00:51:54,811
You keep carrying on
like you've been carrying on,
700
00:51:54,895 --> 00:51:58,022
it's only a matter of time
before Gigante is looking for you.
701
00:51:58,107 --> 00:52:01,693
He's been on Frank D'Amico's payroll
ever since you passed up the opportunity.
702
00:52:02,778 --> 00:52:05,113
You know I'm not gonna stop.
703
00:52:06,073 --> 00:52:09,534
Not until D'Amico
and his whole damn operation
704
00:52:10,077 --> 00:52:13,496
are burnt to ashes and buried.
705
00:52:15,207 --> 00:52:17,125
It ain't gonna bring her back, Damon.
706
00:52:18,419 --> 00:52:20,795
This is not the life for Mindy.
707
00:52:23,716 --> 00:52:25,800
You owe that kid a childhood.
708
00:52:26,885 --> 00:52:28,636
I'll tell you who owes her a childhood!
709
00:52:29,596 --> 00:52:31,264
Frank D'Amico!
710
00:52:50,367 --> 00:52:51,909
Holy shit.
711
00:52:54,413 --> 00:52:56,831
I don't fucking believe it.
712
00:53:00,169 --> 00:53:01,794
Follow him, around the corner.
713
00:53:02,796 --> 00:53:04,255
Not too fast.
714
00:53:07,426 --> 00:53:09,135
What's with the high-fives?
715
00:53:09,762 --> 00:53:12,472
I'll give you a motherfucking high-five.
716
00:53:13,057 --> 00:53:16,100
High-fiving bullshit.
Keep going, keep going.
717
00:53:17,186 --> 00:53:18,686
Not too close.
718
00:53:23,233 --> 00:53:27,445
He's going in the alley.
719
00:53:27,946 --> 00:53:31,741
Okay, when I tell you, stop the car. Ready?
720
00:53:35,537 --> 00:53:37,455
Hey, Kick-Ass.
721
00:53:38,290 --> 00:53:39,791
How you doing?
722
00:53:41,710 --> 00:53:43,086
Kill my men, huh?
723
00:53:43,420 --> 00:53:45,296
Take my fucking coke?
724
00:53:45,380 --> 00:53:47,381
Whoa! Whoa! Boss, what are you doing?
725
00:53:47,466 --> 00:53:49,509
- Boss, we gotta go, man. Come on, let's go.
- Fucking scumbag!
726
00:53:49,593 --> 00:53:51,803
Frank, Frank, Frank, come on,
he's had enough. Come on.
727
00:53:51,887 --> 00:53:53,846
He's had enough. Come on.
728
00:53:54,389 --> 00:53:56,641
What the fuck are you looking at?
729
00:53:58,852 --> 00:54:00,019
Frank.
730
00:54:09,696 --> 00:54:12,031
Come on, come on,
come on, come on, let's go. We gotta go.
731
00:54:13,117 --> 00:54:15,660
Shit. Come on, come on, get in.
732
00:54:22,543 --> 00:54:25,920
He was so young.
No one should have to die that way.
733
00:54:26,004 --> 00:54:29,257
I mean, I just can't believe he's dead,
that's all.
734
00:54:31,009 --> 00:54:33,678
I know. But, Katie,
735
00:54:34,805 --> 00:54:38,349
guys like Rasul, they get mixed up in stuff...
736
00:54:38,809 --> 00:54:42,145
No, I know, I know.
But what if it was my fault?
737
00:54:42,229 --> 00:54:43,271
What if Kick-Ass did it?
738
00:54:43,355 --> 00:54:45,314
I mean, I feel like
I should call the cops or something.
739
00:54:45,399 --> 00:54:47,191
What? You're talking crazy.
740
00:54:47,734 --> 00:54:50,403
There's no way. He probably
didn't even read your e-mail yet.
741
00:54:50,737 --> 00:54:52,780
- Yeah.
- You've got nothing to worry about.
742
00:54:54,658 --> 00:54:56,367
I'm so glad you're here.
743
00:54:56,994 --> 00:54:58,161
I was such a mess.
744
00:54:58,871 --> 00:55:00,246
That's okay.
745
00:55:00,330 --> 00:55:03,583
- No problem.
- You're the best.
746
00:55:05,586 --> 00:55:10,047
I hope it's okay to say this, but...
It so sucks that you're gay.
747
00:55:13,969 --> 00:55:16,220
I don't fucking believe this.
748
00:55:18,515 --> 00:55:22,476
What kind of
children's enter-fucking-tainer is that?
749
00:55:23,729 --> 00:55:28,941
What kind of kid has a... A Spider-Man
party, sure, but a fucking Kick-Ass party?
750
00:55:29,026 --> 00:55:31,736
What, are they selling paper plates
and napkins down at the store now?
751
00:55:31,820 --> 00:55:34,238
Frank, you're scaring me. You're losing it.
752
00:55:34,573 --> 00:55:37,533
Since when did you start getting
your hands dirty again? And in public!
753
00:55:37,618 --> 00:55:39,994
Since when I ask you fucks
to deliver me Kick-Ass,
754
00:55:40,078 --> 00:55:43,456
- and you don't deliver, that's when.
- Give me a break. It's been a week.
755
00:55:43,540 --> 00:55:46,918
We e-mailed him. We got half the crew out
doing petty crimes as bait.
756
00:55:47,127 --> 00:55:48,669
We're busting our asses here.
757
00:55:49,755 --> 00:55:51,839
What the hell are you doing?
758
00:55:51,924 --> 00:55:53,674
You're back on the powder now, as well?
759
00:55:53,759 --> 00:55:57,762
"Mommy, I want a Kick-Ass party."
Dumb little fucks.
760
00:55:58,931 --> 00:56:01,641
- I know a way you can get him.
- Shit.
761
00:56:01,725 --> 00:56:03,309
Chris, how long you been there?
762
00:56:03,393 --> 00:56:04,769
What the hell are you doing?
Get the hell out.
763
00:56:04,853 --> 00:56:06,187
Do you want to hear it or not?
764
00:56:06,980 --> 00:56:09,482
- Hear what?
- Okay, look,
765
00:56:09,566 --> 00:56:12,526
you're a superhero and you're lonely,
but you can't trust anyone
766
00:56:12,611 --> 00:56:14,278
'cause either
they'll expose your secret identity...
767
00:56:14,363 --> 00:56:16,614
Comic books this kid reads
all fucking day long.
768
00:56:16,698 --> 00:56:20,534
The point is there's only one way
a superhero can trust a stranger.
769
00:56:20,619 --> 00:56:23,955
And I can be that stranger.
You just gotta give me a chance.
770
00:56:24,039 --> 00:56:26,332
I know I can do it. I just need a few things.
771
00:56:28,210 --> 00:56:29,252
Like what?
772
00:56:31,255 --> 00:56:33,214
I need these things.
773
00:56:37,302 --> 00:56:39,136
What, are you fucking kidding me?
What the hell is this?
774
00:56:39,221 --> 00:56:41,055
It's everything I need.
775
00:56:41,139 --> 00:56:43,432
And you might have to screw
someone over, like Louie, or something.
776
00:56:43,517 --> 00:56:46,560
- Louie? Hey, Chris.
- Or somebody. It doesn't have to be Louie.
777
00:56:47,437 --> 00:56:48,813
- Tony!
- Tony.
778
00:56:49,648 --> 00:56:51,148
- Tony?
- I hate Tony.
779
00:56:51,233 --> 00:56:52,817
Yeah, fuck Tony. He's a scumbag.
780
00:56:53,026 --> 00:56:56,404
I swear, Dad, if you let me do this,
it's gonna work.
781
00:57:01,159 --> 00:57:02,243
Tony.
782
00:57:02,661 --> 00:57:05,913
Tony Romita, one of America's
most-wanted crime kingpins,
783
00:57:05,998 --> 00:57:07,748
was arrested in Queens today
784
00:57:07,833 --> 00:57:10,751
after a 911 call from someone
claiming to be a superhero...
785
00:57:10,836 --> 00:57:13,337
So, how are things going with Katie?
786
00:57:14,798 --> 00:57:15,840
Just peachy.
787
00:57:16,341 --> 00:57:17,925
We had a sleepover
and spent the whole night
788
00:57:18,010 --> 00:57:21,345
watching the entire Ugly Betty box set
and did pedicures.
789
00:57:21,930 --> 00:57:24,849
I'm telling you, the longer you wait,
the worse it's gonna get.
790
00:57:25,183 --> 00:57:28,894
I know. I was gonna tell her.
It's just, she seems so happy.
791
00:57:28,979 --> 00:57:31,188
- I don't know when's the right time.
- Now's your chance.
792
00:57:32,649 --> 00:57:34,984
- She didn't see that, did she?
- Hey, guys.
793
00:57:35,736 --> 00:57:37,486
- Hi!
- Hi, sweetie.
794
00:57:38,196 --> 00:57:40,614
Did you watch the TV?
The new superhero guy?
795
00:57:40,699 --> 00:57:42,533
- How cool is that?
- What?
796
00:57:42,701 --> 00:57:45,202
- Hey, look.
- Could you turn it up, please?
797
00:57:45,287 --> 00:57:46,704
- Check this out.
...dressed as Kick-Ass.
798
00:57:46,788 --> 00:57:51,667
But it seems that far from being put off,
this individual, who calls himself Red Mist,
799
00:57:51,752 --> 00:57:53,919
has decided to take
crime-fighting to a new level,
800
00:57:54,004 --> 00:57:57,214
as his actions last night proved.
Red Mist, how do you see it?
801
00:57:57,299 --> 00:57:59,800
Well, I guess folks have just
had enough of living in fear, you know,
802
00:57:59,885 --> 00:58:02,887
and Kick-Ass really proved that
one individual can make a difference.
803
00:58:02,971 --> 00:58:06,807
So if anyone out there needs help,
I'll be fighting crime 25/8.
804
00:58:06,892 --> 00:58:09,810
And I'm just one click away. Redmist. Org.
805
00:58:11,396 --> 00:58:14,982
Can we turn that off now?
What's so special about that guy?
806
00:58:15,067 --> 00:58:17,818
He caught, like, a drug dealer,
some most-wanted guy.
807
00:58:18,153 --> 00:58:19,862
You saw him bringing out
like a ton of stuff.
808
00:58:19,946 --> 00:58:21,489
That's pretty cool.
809
00:58:21,865 --> 00:58:24,200
He's got a way better costume
than Kick-Ass, too.
810
00:58:24,284 --> 00:58:25,743
- He's got a cape.
- Yeah.
811
00:58:25,827 --> 00:58:28,079
- Capes rock.
- Yeah, I'm kind of feeling the cape.
812
00:58:28,163 --> 00:58:29,872
He looks good.
813
00:58:30,582 --> 00:58:33,167
What, better than Kick-Ass?
814
00:58:33,251 --> 00:58:36,128
I mean, they're both kind of hot.
I just think Red Mist has a better body.
815
00:58:36,588 --> 00:58:38,172
Don't you think, Dave?
816
00:58:39,674 --> 00:58:41,342
Yeah, Dave, what do you think?
817
00:58:42,094 --> 00:58:44,762
Is he the kind of guy you'd go for,
with all that leather?
818
00:58:46,014 --> 00:58:49,225
No, Marty. No, he's not really my type.
819
00:59:43,405 --> 00:59:44,655
Kick-Ass!
820
00:59:45,782 --> 00:59:46,824
Red Mist.
821
00:59:48,326 --> 00:59:50,369
Shit! Fuck me, that kind of hurt.
822
00:59:51,663 --> 00:59:54,248
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, no, I'm cool.
823
00:59:54,416 --> 00:59:57,543
I can't believe you're here, man.
Like, you're my hero.
824
00:59:58,211 --> 01:00:00,963
You inspired me. No Kick-Ass, no Red Mist.
825
01:00:01,173 --> 01:00:03,007
- Seriously.
- Wow.
826
01:00:03,550 --> 01:00:07,094
- Hey, really?
- Straight up. And listen, if you...
827
01:00:07,179 --> 01:00:09,972
I don't know, if you wanted me
to be your sidekick or something...
828
01:00:10,849 --> 01:00:12,141
You wanna be my sidekick?
829
01:00:12,434 --> 01:00:15,853
Yeah, man!
You and me together, we would own!
830
01:00:16,480 --> 01:00:18,355
You wanna go fight some crime?
831
01:00:18,773 --> 01:00:20,191
What you mean, like, right now?
832
01:00:20,775 --> 01:00:23,944
Yeah, man, come on.
I got something I wanna show you.
833
01:00:24,529 --> 01:00:25,946
I mean, like, to be honest with you,
834
01:00:26,031 --> 01:00:28,824
I only ever fight crime
between like 9:00 and 2:00, weekdays.
835
01:00:28,909 --> 01:00:31,785
So I'm gonna need to get back pretty soon.
836
01:00:35,373 --> 01:00:36,707
Sweet!
837
01:00:39,211 --> 01:00:41,921
- Is that yours?
- Meet the Mist Mobile.
838
01:00:51,348 --> 01:00:54,058
SatNav. Got my iPhone,
so I can check the websites
839
01:00:54,142 --> 01:00:56,519
for emergencies when I'm driving around.
840
01:00:56,603 --> 01:00:59,480
Got a little bit of mood lighting right there.
841
01:00:59,564 --> 01:01:01,774
Rearview camera, no big deal.
842
01:01:01,858 --> 01:01:04,193
Check this, you're gonna fucking love this.
843
01:01:08,406 --> 01:01:09,907
The mist.
844
01:01:13,370 --> 01:01:14,578
Hey.
845
01:01:14,704 --> 01:01:16,539
That's right, we're superheroes.
You love us.
846
01:01:22,003 --> 01:01:24,380
- Smoke?
- No.
847
01:01:24,464 --> 01:01:27,299
I feel a little weed takes the edge off things
when I'm on patrol, you know?
848
01:01:27,384 --> 01:01:31,387
Going up against a crowd
can get kind of scary, don't you think?
849
01:01:32,931 --> 01:01:34,098
Something wrong?
850
01:01:35,600 --> 01:01:38,936
Yeah. You're so not how I expected.
851
01:01:45,068 --> 01:01:46,819
I got this e-mail from this chick.
852
01:01:46,903 --> 01:01:49,613
She said this guy's
been following her home from work.
853
01:01:50,198 --> 01:01:53,284
I got her address and stuff.
You wanna check it out?
854
01:01:53,368 --> 01:01:55,578
- Sure, why not?
- Cool.
855
01:02:03,128 --> 01:02:05,129
So we're sitting there totally naked, right?
856
01:02:05,297 --> 01:02:09,883
I told her, "Sit on my lap, we'll talk about
the first thing that comes up."
857
01:02:18,351 --> 01:02:21,103
- Yeah?
- Just got the text. He's on his way.
858
01:02:21,479 --> 01:02:22,980
He did very good.
859
01:02:23,648 --> 01:02:26,317
- Don't kill him till I get there.
- Right.
860
01:02:32,032 --> 01:02:34,867
Looks like reading all them comics
paid off, huh?
861
01:02:35,160 --> 01:02:37,411
Your boy did good, Frankie.
862
01:02:39,497 --> 01:02:41,206
He's his father's son.
863
01:02:52,761 --> 01:02:54,136
I forgot.
864
01:03:25,585 --> 01:03:27,127
What the fuck?
865
01:03:31,257 --> 01:03:32,800
Shit.
866
01:03:34,219 --> 01:03:36,887
- Hey, what are you doing?
- There are people in there.
867
01:03:37,055 --> 01:03:39,390
Yeah. Shouldn't we call the fire...
868
01:03:41,226 --> 01:03:42,309
Shit!
869
01:04:00,912 --> 01:04:01,912
Mikey.
870
01:04:03,581 --> 01:04:04,832
Fuck.
871
01:04:05,875 --> 01:04:08,043
- Shit. Fuck.
- Red Mist!
872
01:04:09,963 --> 01:04:12,506
Red Mist! Red Mist!
873
01:04:19,472 --> 01:04:22,099
Hey. Hey, man, can you hear me? Hey.
874
01:04:26,104 --> 01:04:27,604
Jesus Christ!
875
01:04:34,946 --> 01:04:38,031
Red Mist! Red Mist!
876
01:04:38,742 --> 01:04:40,617
Where the fuck are you?
877
01:05:15,236 --> 01:05:19,156
We gotta get the hell out of here.
Dude, move your fucking ass!
878
01:05:37,717 --> 01:05:39,676
Holy shit!
879
01:05:40,136 --> 01:05:42,846
- Did you see those bodies?
- Yeah, man.
880
01:05:45,767 --> 01:05:48,435
- Why'd you save the teddy?
- What?
881
01:05:49,103 --> 01:05:51,230
I don't know, man. Come on.
882
01:06:04,327 --> 01:06:05,494
Come.
883
01:06:06,120 --> 01:06:07,746
What the hell are you doing, Frank?
884
01:06:07,831 --> 01:06:09,790
You know I can't be here.
What if somebody saw...
885
01:06:09,874 --> 01:06:12,125
That motherfucker Kick-Ass
burnt down my warehouse
886
01:06:12,210 --> 01:06:13,961
and killed my men, Gigante.
887
01:06:14,045 --> 01:06:15,963
Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. Kick-Ass?
888
01:06:16,422 --> 01:06:18,048
- Are you sure?
- You gotta help me, Vic.
889
01:06:18,550 --> 01:06:21,385
My son was there, and he's still missing.
890
01:06:21,553 --> 01:06:25,556
They're all dead!
Everybody in the warehouse is dead.
891
01:06:26,933 --> 01:06:29,268
Put the gun down, Vic. It's Chris.
892
01:06:30,061 --> 01:06:31,520
Chris is Red Mist?
893
01:06:31,604 --> 01:06:33,814
It's not Red Mist you gotta worry about.
It's Kick-Ass.
894
01:06:33,898 --> 01:06:36,733
No, no, no, it's not.
Kick-Ass is just some geek, Dad.
895
01:06:36,818 --> 01:06:40,487
You don't have to worry about him.
You need to watch this.
896
01:06:42,073 --> 01:06:44,575
- Why, what does it do?
- Are you fucking kidding me?
897
01:06:44,659 --> 01:06:47,286
- What?
- God damn it, just sit down.
898
01:06:52,458 --> 01:06:54,334
What are you doing?
What the hell is that thing?
899
01:06:54,419 --> 01:06:57,296
You bought this to spy on the nanny
when I was a kid. Don't you remember?
900
01:06:58,256 --> 01:07:00,674
- What, and you put it in the warehouse?
- Yeah, I thought it'd be cool
901
01:07:00,758 --> 01:07:03,719
to put the unmasking of Kick-Ass
on the Internet, okay?
902
01:07:04,012 --> 01:07:05,262
Watch.
903
01:07:09,309 --> 01:07:13,937
I told her, "Sit on my lap, we'll talk about
the first thing that comes up."
904
01:07:16,608 --> 01:07:19,401
- Yeah?
- Just got the text. He's on his way.
905
01:07:19,944 --> 01:07:21,320
He did very good.
906
01:07:21,404 --> 01:07:23,363
- Don't kill him till I get there.
- Right.
907
01:08:38,690 --> 01:08:40,107
Who the hell is this guy?
908
01:08:40,900 --> 01:08:42,401
I don't know, Dad.
909
01:08:43,194 --> 01:08:45,946
But Kick-Ass told me
we're not the only superheroes in town.
910
01:08:46,030 --> 01:08:47,864
Maybe he knows who this guy is.
911
01:08:49,784 --> 01:08:52,035
I want this place locked down.
912
01:08:52,662 --> 01:08:55,205
Nobody comes in, nobody goes out.
913
01:08:56,874 --> 01:08:58,792
Not until somebody finds this cocksucker
914
01:08:58,876 --> 01:09:01,962
and pulls his fucking lungs out
through his ass.
915
01:09:05,216 --> 01:09:07,718
Listen, they're on to you.
916
01:09:07,802 --> 01:09:10,178
Do you hear me? They're on to you.
917
01:09:10,263 --> 01:09:12,889
I thought they were looking for Kick-Ass.
918
01:09:12,974 --> 01:09:16,601
Not anymore. Gigante just put on
a little movie-show for us.
919
01:09:16,686 --> 01:09:21,273
Different superhero in a warehouse,
killing a whole bunch of D'Amico's guys.
920
01:09:21,607 --> 01:09:23,442
I'm gonna take a wild guess that was you.
921
01:09:24,527 --> 01:09:27,029
- I killed all the cameras.
- Apparently not.
922
01:09:27,113 --> 01:09:30,157
Look, bro, you need to get ghost.
Hide yourself quick.
923
01:09:30,950 --> 01:09:32,075
Appreciate it.
924
01:09:36,456 --> 01:09:37,622
Mindy,
925
01:09:38,541 --> 01:09:40,000
no more homework, baby doll.
926
01:09:41,252 --> 01:09:43,754
It's time for Frank D'Amico to go bye-bye.
927
01:09:51,763 --> 01:09:56,850
X-Men, the Fantastic Four,
right now, I envy the crap out of them.
928
01:09:57,894 --> 01:10:02,147
Everything was out of control.
I didn't know what the hell to do.
929
01:10:02,356 --> 01:10:06,568
You okay, buddy? You look tired.
Early night tonight, maybe?
930
01:10:06,652 --> 01:10:08,528
And there was no one
I could talk to about it.
931
01:10:08,613 --> 01:10:10,363
Dave? Hello?
932
01:10:10,782 --> 01:10:12,657
Yeah, you bet I will.
933
01:10:15,119 --> 01:10:16,745
I'd never felt more alone.
934
01:10:20,666 --> 01:10:26,046
I'd always dreamed of being a superhero,
but this was a nightmare.
935
01:10:30,551 --> 01:10:33,678
It was time to stop wearing
this stupid costume.
936
01:10:37,266 --> 01:10:40,227
But there was one last thing I needed it for.
937
01:10:42,313 --> 01:10:46,108
What's the difference between
Spider-Man and Peter Parker?
938
01:10:46,943 --> 01:10:49,277
Spider-Man gets the girl.
939
01:10:56,953 --> 01:10:59,162
Hey, I'm Kick-Ass.
940
01:11:03,960 --> 01:11:06,086
I'm Kick-Ass. You mail me?
941
01:11:07,171 --> 01:11:08,547
Wait...
942
01:11:09,423 --> 01:11:11,675
Fuck! Fuck!
943
01:11:11,884 --> 01:11:15,011
Fucking freak in a mask!
Get out of my house!
944
01:11:15,096 --> 01:11:16,930
I'm not gonna hurt you, all right?
945
01:11:17,014 --> 01:11:18,890
No, no, no! It's me, it's me!
946
01:11:18,975 --> 01:11:21,601
All right?
I was only trying to surprise you. I'm...
947
01:11:21,686 --> 01:11:24,104
- Dave? What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm sorry.
948
01:11:24,188 --> 01:11:27,107
- Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass?
- Because I am Kick-Ass.
949
01:11:27,483 --> 01:11:31,236
- What are you talking about?
- And I'm also not gay.
950
01:11:32,280 --> 01:11:34,906
- Fuck!
- And I'm an idiot and a shit friend.
951
01:11:34,991 --> 01:11:36,575
I lied to you, I know.
952
01:11:36,659 --> 01:11:39,077
- Oh, my God.
- I know. If it makes you feel any better,
953
01:11:39,162 --> 01:11:43,290
I don't think you can hate me any more
right now than I hate myself.
954
01:11:43,875 --> 01:11:45,542
Please, I'm...
955
01:11:46,627 --> 01:11:48,837
Look, I'm really, really sorry.
956
01:11:50,590 --> 01:11:56,720
I've never met anyone who's as beautiful
and as kind and lovely as you.
957
01:12:01,058 --> 01:12:02,767
You deserve better.
958
01:12:21,245 --> 01:12:23,246
- Dave.
- Yes?
959
01:12:24,749 --> 01:12:26,583
My mom has
the burglar alarm on downstairs,
960
01:12:26,667 --> 01:12:29,336
so you should probably use the window.
961
01:12:34,926 --> 01:12:36,051
Or...
962
01:12:40,765 --> 01:12:42,432
Or you could just stay.
963
01:12:44,101 --> 01:12:45,185
Stay?
964
01:12:45,937 --> 01:12:47,437
What, like when we have a sleepover?
965
01:12:54,528 --> 01:12:57,197
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
966
01:12:59,283 --> 01:13:00,408
Wow.
967
01:13:29,730 --> 01:13:31,982
We gotta get over it,
968
01:13:32,066 --> 01:13:35,902
on top of it, and then into it,
right in the middle of it.
969
01:13:35,987 --> 01:13:37,821
Daddy, I think I found one.
970
01:13:37,905 --> 01:13:41,199
It's perfect,
and they can deliver it in three days.
971
01:13:42,535 --> 01:13:44,744
It's 300,000 bucks.
972
01:13:44,829 --> 01:13:46,913
Can you think of anything else
you'd rather spend it on?
973
01:13:46,998 --> 01:13:49,249
Oh, my gosh!
974
01:13:50,042 --> 01:13:52,711
- That is cool.
- Yeah.
975
01:13:54,005 --> 01:13:55,839
Add to shopping cart.
976
01:13:56,257 --> 01:13:57,340
Okay.
977
01:14:00,011 --> 01:14:03,263
Out of Kick-Ass and Red Mist,
who do you think would win in a fight?
978
01:14:03,639 --> 01:14:06,599
Why are they fighting? That seems stupid.
979
01:14:06,684 --> 01:14:10,603
- What do you think?
- I don't know, but I think Kick-Ass is cuter.
980
01:14:10,688 --> 01:14:11,938
Really?
981
01:14:12,857 --> 01:14:16,526
I, for one, would definitely
fuck his brains out if I got the chance.
982
01:14:18,529 --> 01:14:19,738
You would?
983
01:14:19,822 --> 01:14:20,905
Definitely.
984
01:14:21,490 --> 01:14:24,784
Do you feel like checking out
that new Kate Hudson movie
985
01:14:24,869 --> 01:14:26,619
where she's like a shoe designer,
can't get a guy?
986
01:14:26,704 --> 01:14:30,081
- I think we could make the next showing.
- Hell, yeah.
987
01:14:32,251 --> 01:14:34,336
I guess we're not invited.
988
01:14:35,046 --> 01:14:36,963
All right. You know what? Come here.
989
01:14:37,048 --> 01:14:39,924
I'm going to convert you
to a comics reader right now.
990
01:14:40,384 --> 01:14:44,512
Suddenly, I understood why
superheroes only existed in comic books.
991
01:14:44,597 --> 01:14:47,974
I got why people didn't risk their lives
for strangers.
992
01:14:48,059 --> 01:14:50,352
Because for the first time in my life,
993
01:14:50,436 --> 01:14:52,896
I had something worth living for,
994
01:14:52,980 --> 01:14:54,647
something to lose.
995
01:14:56,567 --> 01:14:58,735
Katie worried about me getting hurt,
996
01:14:58,819 --> 01:15:01,488
so I promised her
my Kick-Ass days were over.
997
01:15:01,572 --> 01:15:04,657
And the truth was I hardly missed it at all.
998
01:15:04,992 --> 01:15:07,744
I hadn't even checked
the website for, like, a week.
999
01:15:11,248 --> 01:15:13,249
Okay, I'm off then.
1000
01:15:14,001 --> 01:15:16,461
- No Katie tonight?
- Tomorrow.
1001
01:15:16,754 --> 01:15:20,006
Wednesdays, she's got
one of those volunteer things.
1002
01:15:20,091 --> 01:15:22,842
You seem like a different guy,
you know that?
1003
01:15:22,927 --> 01:15:27,097
Your mom would have been so happy
to see you out of your shell like this.
1004
01:15:27,181 --> 01:15:28,848
Have a good night.
1005
01:15:39,693 --> 01:15:42,112
- Hey, baby.
- Hey, what's going on?
1006
01:15:42,738 --> 01:15:44,322
I gotta do a Kick-Ass thing.
1007
01:15:44,824 --> 01:15:47,158
What? I thought you were done with that.
1008
01:15:47,243 --> 01:15:49,411
This is the last time. I totally swear.
1009
01:15:50,579 --> 01:15:51,788
I worry about you.
1010
01:15:52,623 --> 01:15:54,999
Well, I wish you wouldn't worry.
1011
01:15:55,334 --> 01:15:56,876
I can't help it. I do because I...
1012
01:15:59,296 --> 01:16:01,131
I care about you a lot.
1013
01:16:04,135 --> 01:16:06,302
I care about you a lot, too.
1014
01:16:37,418 --> 01:16:38,751
This better be pretty serious, dude,
1015
01:16:38,836 --> 01:16:41,254
'cause I promised my girlfriend
that I'm done with all this shit.
1016
01:16:41,338 --> 01:16:43,965
How about both of us being dead?
Is that serious enough for you?
1017
01:16:44,717 --> 01:16:46,926
Dead? How?
1018
01:16:47,178 --> 01:16:49,387
It turns out
those dead guys from the warehouse
1019
01:16:49,472 --> 01:16:52,891
had some bad motherfuckers for friends,
and they think we did that shit.
1020
01:16:52,975 --> 01:16:54,976
There's a price on our heads, man.
1021
01:16:55,060 --> 01:16:57,312
A price on our heads?
What is this, the Wild West?
1022
01:16:57,396 --> 01:17:00,190
I'm not messing with you, dude.
They found out where I lived.
1023
01:17:00,274 --> 01:17:01,983
They trashed my place. I'm fucking screwed.
1024
01:17:02,067 --> 01:17:04,736
- And you're gonna be next, okay?
- What?
1025
01:17:07,990 --> 01:17:09,073
Shit.
1026
01:17:10,367 --> 01:17:11,493
What do we do?
1027
01:17:14,747 --> 01:17:17,540
Remember you mentioned
that there are other superheroes?
1028
01:17:17,958 --> 01:17:19,000
Yeah?
1029
01:17:19,919 --> 01:17:21,628
Well, do you think they can help us?
1030
01:17:30,971 --> 01:17:33,389
Hot chocolate, extra marshmallows.
1031
01:17:36,560 --> 01:17:39,938
Man, that looks even cooler
than it did in the picture.
1032
01:17:40,022 --> 01:17:44,359
Child, you know, that's because
in the picture, it didn't have Gatling guns.
1033
01:17:44,652 --> 01:17:45,902
Nice job.
1034
01:17:46,487 --> 01:17:47,820
I'm gonna take mine to bed, okay?
1035
01:17:47,905 --> 01:17:50,323
Okay, baby doll. Sleep tight.
1036
01:17:50,407 --> 01:17:52,909
Thanks. Kick-Ass?
1037
01:17:54,328 --> 01:17:56,955
You go get dressed.
I'll tell him to meet us at Safe House B.
1038
01:17:57,039 --> 01:17:59,165
We'll have our hot chocolate
when we get back.
1039
01:17:59,250 --> 01:18:01,125
- Okay, Daddy.
- Come on.
1040
01:18:10,594 --> 01:18:11,928
- There you go.
- All right.
1041
01:18:12,388 --> 01:18:14,639
- Do you know where that is?
- No, but I'll just put it in the GPS.
1042
01:18:14,723 --> 01:18:17,267
- It's what it's for.
- All right, let's go.
1043
01:18:18,477 --> 01:18:19,602
Shit.
1044
01:19:55,532 --> 01:19:57,200
Okay, okay, okay.
1045
01:20:04,875 --> 01:20:09,629
Well, here you are and Red Mist, too.
1046
01:20:15,135 --> 01:20:17,553
- Pleasure to meet you.
- Good to meet you, sir.
1047
01:20:18,180 --> 01:20:19,764
Please, come in.
1048
01:20:20,265 --> 01:20:21,599
After you.
1049
01:20:24,853 --> 01:20:26,854
Hit Girl, manners, honey.
1050
01:20:29,608 --> 01:20:31,234
Hi, I'm Hit Girl.
1051
01:20:32,528 --> 01:20:38,241
No!
1052
01:20:40,077 --> 01:20:42,286
Your ass is mine! Come on.
1053
01:20:42,371 --> 01:20:43,746
No, he's with me. He's okay.
1054
01:20:43,831 --> 01:20:46,332
Shut the fuck up, kid.
Your daddy's the boss. You go home.
1055
01:20:46,417 --> 01:20:49,669
Are you shitting me? No, he's fine.
He's with me.
1056
01:20:49,962 --> 01:20:52,839
- Let him go.
- Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here.
1057
01:20:52,923 --> 01:20:54,799
Hot damn. I always wanted one of these.
1058
01:20:54,883 --> 01:20:56,551
- You're seriously gonna take that?
- Yes.
1059
01:20:56,635 --> 01:20:57,719
Come on, sweet cheeks.
1060
01:21:02,224 --> 01:21:03,850
If you don't get your
wannabe superhero ass in the car...
1061
01:21:03,934 --> 01:21:05,476
- That's funny.
...you're gonna have a lot of trouble
1062
01:21:05,561 --> 01:21:07,395
- on your hands.
- That's really funny. You're so fired.
1063
01:21:07,479 --> 01:21:10,022
- Kick-Ass...
- Get him out of here. Get him out of here.
1064
01:21:10,107 --> 01:21:12,358
- Get him in the van.
- Let go of me. Put me down.
1065
01:21:12,443 --> 01:21:14,068
Kick-Ass, I'm sorry!
1066
01:21:14,570 --> 01:21:16,779
- Get in the car.
- Get in there!
1067
01:21:29,460 --> 01:21:31,627
You better fire this asshole.
1068
01:21:31,795 --> 01:21:33,296
Ignore him...
1069
01:21:34,298 --> 01:21:35,631
A bazooka?
1070
01:21:38,093 --> 01:21:40,303
- Okay.
- We had a deal, Dad.
1071
01:21:40,387 --> 01:21:43,055
We had a fucking deal
that I would get you the guy who did it,
1072
01:21:43,140 --> 01:21:46,768
and all I'm asking is you let Kick-Ass go.
He didn't do anything wrong.
1073
01:21:46,852 --> 01:21:50,521
Chris, you got to look at this
from my point of view. Okay?
1074
01:21:50,606 --> 01:21:53,441
I gotta send a public service message
to the people out there
1075
01:21:53,817 --> 01:21:56,319
that being a superhero
is bad for your health.
1076
01:21:56,403 --> 01:21:59,030
And the Big motherfucker?
Nobody knows who he is.
1077
01:21:59,114 --> 01:22:02,658
- Yeah, but that's not fair!
- Yeah, life's not fair, kid. Get over it.
1078
01:22:02,743 --> 01:22:04,118
What are you gonna do to them?
1079
01:22:04,995 --> 01:22:07,330
You really wanna be a part of my business?
1080
01:22:10,042 --> 01:22:11,083
Yeah.
1081
01:22:11,168 --> 01:22:14,337
Then sit down, shut up and watch.
1082
01:22:23,222 --> 01:22:26,432
Frank, we're ready. Enjoy the show.
1083
01:22:26,517 --> 01:22:28,643
- Are you controlling this right now?
- I sure am.
1084
01:22:28,727 --> 01:22:31,103
Big Brother, watch and learn.
1085
01:22:31,772 --> 01:22:33,147
Welcome back. Breaking News.
1086
01:22:33,232 --> 01:22:35,942
A worldwide web broadcast
of the New York superhero
1087
01:22:36,026 --> 01:22:39,320
who calls himself Kick-Ass
is about to be shown live.
1088
01:22:39,404 --> 01:22:42,240
Rumors have it that
this will be Kick-Ass's farewell appearance,
1089
01:22:42,658 --> 01:22:44,742
that he will announce
his retirement from crime fighting.
1090
01:22:45,160 --> 01:22:47,286
But as word of mouth continues to spread,
1091
01:22:47,371 --> 01:22:48,871
Internet providers are predicting that
1092
01:22:48,956 --> 01:22:52,542
it could be one of the most widely-viewed
live events in web history.
1093
01:22:53,085 --> 01:22:54,168
Wait, where's Dave?
1094
01:22:54,253 --> 01:22:56,254
There are no clues as yet
as to the exact nature...
1095
01:22:56,338 --> 01:22:59,173
- Holy shit. Have you guys noticed...
- He's with Katie.
1096
01:22:59,258 --> 01:23:01,425
- Obviously.
...come to a standstill to watch.
1097
01:23:01,510 --> 01:23:03,094
Why else would I be here?
1098
01:23:03,178 --> 01:23:06,556
There's no idea as to who is behind
the broadcast of this show,
1099
01:23:06,640 --> 01:23:09,183
but we could see
widespread server crashes...
1100
01:23:10,102 --> 01:23:12,144
Dave, why didn't you tell me
this is what you were doing?
1101
01:23:12,229 --> 01:23:14,105
You're on the news. Call me.
1102
01:23:14,189 --> 01:23:17,441
We go now over live to the countdown
clock as we are moments away.
1103
01:23:30,038 --> 01:23:31,414
Show time.
1104
01:23:33,500 --> 01:23:35,376
Hello, boys and girls.
1105
01:23:35,836 --> 01:23:37,295
Now, this...
1106
01:23:38,547 --> 01:23:40,006
Well, you know who this guy is.
1107
01:23:40,090 --> 01:23:42,925
And this guy here is Big Daddy.
1108
01:23:43,594 --> 01:23:45,761
And these are my friends.
1109
01:23:45,846 --> 01:23:47,889
Come on in, guys, say hello.
1110
01:23:47,973 --> 01:23:51,350
Yeah, yeah, there they are. Hello, hello.
1111
01:23:51,435 --> 01:23:54,896
Now Big Daddy and Kick-Ass
are gonna help us
1112
01:23:54,980 --> 01:23:59,525
show you why being a hero is a bad idea.
1113
01:24:00,068 --> 01:24:01,527
You know what a silent "K" is?
1114
01:24:02,029 --> 01:24:03,905
That's when "K" is
at the beginning of the word,
1115
01:24:03,989 --> 01:24:06,824
but you don't pronounce it.
Like in the word "Knuckleduster."
1116
01:24:06,909 --> 01:24:09,452
Show them what
a knuckleduster can do, guy.
1117
01:24:10,370 --> 01:24:12,580
That must have hurt!
Let's see that again from the other side.
1118
01:24:12,664 --> 01:24:15,041
Go on. Yeah, I think it did.
1119
01:24:15,125 --> 01:24:19,587
Now in France, they say the word "stick"
like this, bâton.
1120
01:24:19,963 --> 01:24:21,547
We got some of Kick-Ass's bâtons.
1121
01:24:21,632 --> 01:24:24,592
We're gonna show you what they can do.
Go ahead, boys.
1122
01:24:27,804 --> 01:24:31,682
In America, we say "stick" like this.
Baseball bat.
1123
01:24:32,142 --> 01:24:36,228
Which is very good
for hitting knees and stomachs.
1124
01:24:36,313 --> 01:24:38,814
It's also good for hitting balls.
1125
01:24:39,775 --> 01:24:41,859
Know what else we do?
We don't do them individually.
1126
01:24:42,152 --> 01:24:45,905
We do them all together.
Gentlemen, please.
1127
01:24:45,989 --> 01:24:49,033
Yeah. This looks very painful.
1128
01:24:52,663 --> 01:24:56,666
Due to the distressing nature of the images,
we are unable to broadcast the events
1129
01:24:56,750 --> 01:24:58,584
currently streaming live on the Internet.
1130
01:24:58,669 --> 01:25:00,920
- Fuck.
- No. No, no, no.
1131
01:25:03,173 --> 01:25:07,259
Despite initial speculation that this may be
some kind of hoax or publicity stunt,
1132
01:25:07,344 --> 01:25:10,596
it is now clear that the hostages
are in genuine danger,
1133
01:25:10,681 --> 01:25:15,059
that all signs point to the intention to stage
a live execution in the next few minutes.
1134
01:25:29,032 --> 01:25:32,785
Even with my metal plates
and my fucked-up nerve endings,
1135
01:25:32,869 --> 01:25:35,538
I got to tell you, that hurt.
1136
01:25:37,874 --> 01:25:39,375
The kerosene.
1137
01:25:39,710 --> 01:25:41,252
Yes, the silent killer.
1138
01:25:41,336 --> 01:25:45,214
But not half as much as the idea
of leaving everything behind.
1139
01:25:45,674 --> 01:25:46,966
Katie,
1140
01:25:47,050 --> 01:25:48,384
my dad,
1141
01:25:49,011 --> 01:25:50,386
Todd and Marty.
1142
01:25:50,846 --> 01:25:54,974
And all the things I'd never do,
like learn to drive,
1143
01:25:55,642 --> 01:25:58,185
or see what me and Katie's kids
would look like
1144
01:25:58,270 --> 01:26:00,187
or find out what happened on Lost.
1145
01:26:00,272 --> 01:26:01,355
Spicy, spicy.
1146
01:26:01,440 --> 01:26:03,065
And if you're reassuring yourself
1147
01:26:03,150 --> 01:26:06,318
that I'm gonna make it through this
since I'm talking to you now,
1148
01:26:07,237 --> 01:26:08,988
quit being such a smartass.
1149
01:26:09,573 --> 01:26:15,119
Hell, dude, you never seen Sin City,
Sunset Blvd., American Beauty?
1150
01:26:16,079 --> 01:26:19,123
And this, for all you cavemen out there,
1151
01:26:20,250 --> 01:26:21,792
is fire.
1152
01:26:22,836 --> 01:26:24,003
No.
1153
01:26:29,843 --> 01:26:30,968
I know.
1154
01:26:31,553 --> 01:26:33,095
Fire. Fire is good.
1155
01:26:34,639 --> 01:26:36,724
Fire is our friend.
1156
01:26:37,601 --> 01:26:38,976
Yeah, yeah.
1157
01:26:45,275 --> 01:26:46,317
Gentlemen,
1158
01:26:48,695 --> 01:26:50,112
time to die.
1159
01:26:55,952 --> 01:26:56,994
What the...
1160
01:27:01,875 --> 01:27:05,503
What the fuck just happened? Hey, hey.
Somebody find the lights.
1161
01:27:06,046 --> 01:27:07,213
Hello!
1162
01:27:08,465 --> 01:27:09,673
Jimmy.
1163
01:27:18,517 --> 01:27:19,850
Jesus Christ.
1164
01:27:20,977 --> 01:27:22,895
Bobby? Bobby?
1165
01:27:56,346 --> 01:27:57,721
Get the lighter!
1166
01:27:58,682 --> 01:28:01,183
It's on the floor right over there.
Find the lighter.
1167
01:28:07,023 --> 01:28:08,274
I got it.
1168
01:28:22,539 --> 01:28:25,249
- No!
- Take cover, child.
1169
01:28:30,797 --> 01:28:34,550
Now switch to Kryptonite.
1170
01:28:34,968 --> 01:28:36,343
Kryptonite.
1171
01:29:05,832 --> 01:29:09,668
Go to Robin's Revenge!
1172
01:29:09,753 --> 01:29:11,462
Robin, Robin.
1173
01:29:56,633 --> 01:29:58,133
Show's over, motherfuckers.
1174
01:30:03,515 --> 01:30:06,308
Yeah! I think I'm in love with her, dude.
1175
01:30:06,685 --> 01:30:09,186
She looks like
she's about 11 years old, but...
1176
01:30:09,271 --> 01:30:12,606
I can wait!
I solemnly vow to save myself for her.
1177
01:30:13,650 --> 01:30:16,819
That should be really difficult for you.
Are you okay?
1178
01:30:17,237 --> 01:30:18,362
Yeah.
1179
01:30:37,674 --> 01:30:39,008
Good job.
1180
01:30:47,600 --> 01:30:49,893
I'm so proud of you, baby doll.
1181
01:30:52,605 --> 01:30:54,064
Are you okay?
1182
01:30:59,779 --> 01:31:03,073
But getting shot, Daddy,
it hurt a lot more than when you did it.
1183
01:31:04,993 --> 01:31:08,704
That's 'cause I used
low velocity rounds, child.
1184
01:31:13,543 --> 01:31:15,419
You're the kindest daddy
in the whole world.
1185
01:31:16,087 --> 01:31:17,546
No, I just...
1186
01:31:20,550 --> 01:31:21,925
I love you.
1187
01:31:27,223 --> 01:31:38,650
I love you, too, Daddy.
1188
01:31:40,195 --> 01:31:41,570
Sleep tight.
1189
01:32:00,799 --> 01:32:02,091
What's your name?
1190
01:32:03,176 --> 01:32:04,843
I mean your real name.
1191
01:32:05,220 --> 01:32:07,805
A superhero never reveals his true identity.
1192
01:32:07,889 --> 01:32:10,474
What? Look, you can't go on...
1193
01:32:12,102 --> 01:32:14,269
However you lived before,
1194
01:32:17,857 --> 01:32:18,982
it's over.
1195
01:32:21,403 --> 01:32:24,279
Is there anybody else? Your family or...
1196
01:32:24,364 --> 01:32:26,698
Look, I can take care of myself.
1197
01:32:27,450 --> 01:32:29,201
I saved your sorry ass.
1198
01:32:30,120 --> 01:32:34,081
What about money, huh?
All right, 'cause you got to think long term.
1199
01:32:34,165 --> 01:32:36,792
I've got $3 million in a suitcase.
1200
01:32:37,919 --> 01:32:40,295
That "long term" enough for you?
1201
01:32:43,049 --> 01:32:45,259
It's not all about the money.
1202
01:32:46,553 --> 01:32:47,886
I owe you.
1203
01:32:49,431 --> 01:32:51,473
If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead.
1204
01:32:52,809 --> 01:32:54,810
And if it wasn't for you,
1205
01:32:56,312 --> 01:32:57,479
my dad wouldn't be.
1206
01:33:14,998 --> 01:33:16,123
Look,
1207
01:33:17,208 --> 01:33:20,752
pack up whatever you need
and we'll go back to my place.
1208
01:33:22,172 --> 01:33:24,214
I just need to clean my...
1209
01:33:24,841 --> 01:33:26,008
Just go.
1210
01:34:21,356 --> 01:34:25,901
I meant like pajamas and clothes and stuff.
You can't take that stuff to my house.
1211
01:34:26,110 --> 01:34:27,819
You know what my dad
really would have wanted?
1212
01:34:33,701 --> 01:34:36,370
He would have wanted me
to finish what we started.
1213
01:34:37,580 --> 01:34:39,248
And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
1214
01:34:56,641 --> 01:34:58,892
Is this Frank D'Amico's place?
1215
01:34:59,561 --> 01:35:01,228
All that security?
1216
01:35:01,729 --> 01:35:05,148
- Are you crazy?
- My mom already died for nothing.
1217
01:35:06,526 --> 01:35:09,570
So I'm sure as hell
not gonna let my dad die for nothing, too.
1218
01:35:11,948 --> 01:35:13,448
You can't do this on your own.
1219
01:35:15,868 --> 01:35:17,119
Exactly.
1220
01:35:19,872 --> 01:35:21,456
Do you wanna deal with owing my dad?
1221
01:35:23,626 --> 01:35:25,794
Then shut the hell up
and pick your weapon.
1222
01:35:35,013 --> 01:35:36,471
Is that what I think it is?
1223
01:35:38,141 --> 01:35:39,474
Damn straight.
1224
01:35:39,559 --> 01:35:42,060
And you better start
reading the instructions,
1225
01:35:42,145 --> 01:35:45,606
'cause you're gonna be
using it in about five minutes.
1226
01:35:52,780 --> 01:35:56,033
Yo, listen up. We got five minutes,
then I want you back on your posts.
1227
01:35:56,367 --> 01:35:57,868
And don't leave a mess.
1228
01:36:12,592 --> 01:36:15,510
- Everything okay?
- Everything's all right, boss.
1229
01:36:17,305 --> 01:36:19,181
I can't believe I got my gun back.
Look at that.
1230
01:36:19,849 --> 01:36:21,516
You know, it's not the...
1231
01:36:25,688 --> 01:36:27,022
Let her in.
1232
01:36:30,318 --> 01:36:33,362
It's a little kid. What's the matter with you?
1233
01:36:37,533 --> 01:36:39,368
You okay, sweetheart?
1234
01:36:39,535 --> 01:36:40,577
I...
1235
01:36:41,496 --> 01:36:43,121
I lost my mommy and daddy.
1236
01:36:43,873 --> 01:36:45,415
She lost her mommy and daddy.
1237
01:36:46,876 --> 01:36:49,086
You want to use my cell phone?
1238
01:36:50,088 --> 01:36:52,422
Now can you remember the number?
1239
01:37:01,683 --> 01:37:02,766
Help!
1240
01:37:36,092 --> 01:37:38,510
Had I ever been a real superhero?
1241
01:37:39,429 --> 01:37:42,055
The most I'd ever had to offer the world
was good intentions
1242
01:37:42,140 --> 01:37:45,434
and a slightly elevated capacity
to take a kicking.
1243
01:37:47,270 --> 01:37:50,772
With no power comes no responsibility.
1244
01:37:51,983 --> 01:37:55,277
Except that wasn't true.
1245
01:38:43,451 --> 01:38:44,659
- Did you hear that?
- Holy shit.
1246
01:38:44,744 --> 01:38:46,495
Take cover, please.
1247
01:40:11,664 --> 01:40:12,873
Shit.
1248
01:40:13,833 --> 01:40:14,875
No.
1249
01:40:16,919 --> 01:40:18,044
Shit.
1250
01:40:21,132 --> 01:40:22,632
What the fuck?
1251
01:40:27,179 --> 01:40:29,014
Get in here. Help me out!
1252
01:40:34,270 --> 01:40:36,897
Holy fuck, Fashion, everybody's dead.
1253
01:40:39,108 --> 01:40:41,067
She's behind the counter.
She's out of ammo, okay?
1254
01:40:56,792 --> 01:40:58,919
Do you think they got them?
1255
01:40:59,003 --> 01:41:00,962
If they didn't, he will.
1256
01:41:02,298 --> 01:41:03,882
Get out there.
1257
01:41:04,050 --> 01:41:05,050
Now?
1258
01:41:05,134 --> 01:41:06,468
Yeah, now.
1259
01:41:17,063 --> 01:41:18,313
What the fuck is going on?
1260
01:41:18,397 --> 01:41:20,190
We got her trapped. She's unarmed.
1261
01:41:20,274 --> 01:41:22,567
So what in the hell
are you guys waiting for?
1262
01:41:22,652 --> 01:41:24,277
- Go get her.
- Go on, man.
1263
01:41:24,362 --> 01:41:26,237
- Go get her.
- I ain't got no fucking gun.
1264
01:41:26,322 --> 01:41:27,989
I'm not going in.
1265
01:41:29,659 --> 01:41:30,992
You do now.
1266
01:41:32,036 --> 01:41:33,328
Now move.
1267
01:41:53,265 --> 01:41:56,184
Fuck this shit. I'm getting the bazooka.
1268
01:41:58,604 --> 01:42:01,356
Bazooka?
1269
01:42:02,817 --> 01:42:05,318
It's only me, boss.
Everything's under control.
1270
01:42:17,707 --> 01:42:21,960
Under control? You're grabbing
a fucking bazooka, you dumbass.
1271
01:42:24,005 --> 01:42:25,046
Sir?
1272
01:42:27,049 --> 01:42:28,216
Do it.
1273
01:42:49,572 --> 01:42:50,780
I always wanted to say this.
1274
01:42:53,534 --> 01:42:56,077
Say hello to my little friend!
1275
01:43:27,610 --> 01:43:29,027
Dirty motherfuckers!
1276
01:43:55,137 --> 01:43:56,471
Holy shit.
1277
01:44:05,064 --> 01:44:07,440
That is one weird-sounding bazooka.
1278
01:44:07,525 --> 01:44:08,608
Stu!
1279
01:44:14,198 --> 01:44:15,323
Fuck!
1280
01:44:25,417 --> 01:44:26,668
Get him.
1281
01:44:35,928 --> 01:44:37,720
Playtime's over, kid.
1282
01:44:38,931 --> 01:44:40,557
I never play.
1283
01:44:41,767 --> 01:44:43,101
Oh, really?
1284
01:46:00,930 --> 01:46:02,305
Ruin my business, huh?
1285
01:46:04,225 --> 01:46:07,101
Kill every single fucking guy on my payroll?
1286
01:46:37,091 --> 01:46:39,133
God, I wish I had a son like you.
1287
01:46:46,058 --> 01:46:48,101
Time for a family reunion.
1288
01:46:49,770 --> 01:46:50,895
Hey.
1289
01:46:51,647 --> 01:46:54,565
Why don't you pick on someone
your own size?
1290
01:47:13,752 --> 01:47:15,753
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
1291
01:47:17,298 --> 01:47:18,715
Time to go home.
1292
01:48:55,771 --> 01:48:57,063
Thanks, Kick-Ass.
1293
01:48:57,606 --> 01:48:58,940
My daddy,
1294
01:49:01,568 --> 01:49:03,611
he would have been proud of both of us.
1295
01:49:14,206 --> 01:49:15,248
Dave.
1296
01:49:16,291 --> 01:49:17,792
Dave Lizewski.
1297
01:49:18,168 --> 01:49:19,460
I know that, dumbass.
1298
01:49:30,848 --> 01:49:32,014
Mindy.
1299
01:49:33,642 --> 01:49:35,184
Mindy Macready.
1300
01:49:51,785 --> 01:49:53,536
- Have a good day. Bye.
- Bye.
1301
01:49:56,290 --> 01:49:59,333
Mindy moved in with Marcus,
and he enrolled her at my school.
1302
01:49:59,418 --> 01:50:01,043
- Bye.
- Good luck.
1303
01:50:02,087 --> 01:50:05,965
First school she'd ever been to,
on the promise that I'd look out for her.
1304
01:50:07,176 --> 01:50:08,176
Hey.
1305
01:50:08,260 --> 01:50:09,760
Not that she needed me to.
1306
01:50:09,845 --> 01:50:11,304
Hey, new kid.
1307
01:50:11,638 --> 01:50:12,680
Hi.
1308
01:50:13,182 --> 01:50:14,640
Lunch money.
1309
01:50:15,184 --> 01:50:16,309
Now.
1310
01:50:24,193 --> 01:50:26,819
Kick-Ass was gone, but not forgotten.
1311
01:50:27,946 --> 01:50:31,115
And my world was much safer
with all the new superheroes.
1312
01:50:32,367 --> 01:50:34,577
They said I was their inspiration,
1313
01:50:35,037 --> 01:50:37,788
but all I did was make a door
into a world I'd dreamed about
1314
01:50:37,873 --> 01:50:39,874
since I was a little kid.
1315
01:50:40,542 --> 01:50:42,960
A world full of superheroes, huh?
1316
01:50:45,339 --> 01:50:47,381
As a great man once said,
1317
01:50:50,219 --> 01:50:52,678
"Wait till they get a load of me."
1318
01:50:53,305 --> 01:51:53,611
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