All language subtitles for rick.and.morty.s06e09.1080p.web.h264-ggwp_Track03

-Why are we waiting in line for food?
-It’s a pop-up.

It’s a rare, pop-up restaurant thing
that only enters our solar system...

Rick, you’re gonna spoil your appetite.

That’s a weird way to say I’m gonna stop
being hungry by eating food, but whatever.

-Three crispy, four wiggling.
-You’re probably not even hungry,

you just don’t like lines
because they aren’t about you.

Another weirdly aggressive way to
describe a friend respecting themselves.

What a wonderful thing to say!

I was merely inspired by
the wonderful thing you said!

-Sirs? Guys? You dropped this!
-Please take it as a reward!

-So courteous!
-How nice it will be for you to eat

what you were willing
to stand in line for so much sooner!

Oh no, that’s okay. I came to
stand in line and then eat.

I wouldn’t wanna do it differently.

Dear fellow, I choose this moment
to surrender my sword

so that you may succeed me
as the newest Knight of the Sun.

What? No. I didn’t even want
your sandwich. I don’t want your sword.

Oh, believe me, son. You want it.

I don’t understand. You’re knights?
With a K? Of the Sun with a U or, or an O?

Your alphabet is of no concern here.

We are sworn defenders of Helios,
the center of this system.

Okay, so it’s Sun with a u.

Oh, God. Morty, don’t take the sword.

Oh, I’m shocked you’re
against something, Rick.

-You know these guys?
-I know how they’re dressed

and how boring this sounds.
You take that sword,

you’re gonna get sucked into
a whole complicated, oh shit!

Come on, take it.

I mean, if that kid’s not gonna

-take the sword...
-He didn’t offer it to you.

Sorry, can I just ask some stuff,
what does a Knight of the Sun do?

He takes the sword, for one thing.

You know what, maybe you made a bad call.
He, he doesn’t want the sword.

-I didn’t say that.
-Well you sure aren’t taking it!

-Would you just take a random...
-Obviously I would, yes!

And I did! Best decision of my life!
And you’re shitting on it!

Excuse me? Is this just a free sword?

-No!
-I’m taking the sword!

-Thank you, Dawnling. What is your name?
-Morty.

Now it is Sir Mortaniel. I made it
a little knightier. Good day.

Wait, did he just...

Goddammit, Morty!
You took the sword?! So boring!

Oh like you’re not at this point?
You drunk cranky fuck!

You guys still gonna stand in line?
Y ou’re not gonna take this food?

The pop up pays us to stand here.

-To drive up business.
-Knew it.

Everyone! Sir Helios’ successor,
Sir Mortaniel!

Sir Mortaniel, face so bright!

Serves the sun with strength and might!

Sir mortaniel come and see

Just what the sun provides for thee!

Wow, my, my own song.

Now you know why Sir Helios
had to change your name

to something with three syllables!
Welcome, Dawnling, to the Sun!

So it is the Sun, like Earth’s sun?

He’s heard of us!

How come I’m not, like,
burning to a crisp?

You are currently protected by our powers,
but soon they will be yours!

Our flesh is indestructible!
Our lives are never-ending,

but not even in the dumb vampire way
where after a while you hate it

and you can’t die.
We can die whenever we want!!

-We just don’t have to.
-But you’re not allowed to leave, right?

Like, I’ll never see my family again?

We leave constantly!
I met you on an asteroid!

Oh yeah! Between us
that wasn’t a deal breaker,

but it’s even better that there’s options!

You’ll have more freedom
than you’ve ever known.

Our king!

The Sun is the center of the solar system.

It is the home of the solar scepter,
around which all worlds revolve.

The men who keep it safe are
admired by all and live as gods.

-Any more questions?
-Yeah, where do I sign?

Well that does it!

-Off to the parapet to make this official.
-Yeah, let’s do this!

Now just cut off your penises
and throw them into the sun.

-Okey dokey.
-I see Mortaniel wants to go first.

Not true. Do I just leave the sword
wherever? Is there a sword bin?

What are you saying,

-you don’t want to cut off...
-Listen guys, can we not...

It’s a terrific and painful
sacrifice we all make

for the most important and
powerful job in the universe.

We’ve done it since the dawn of dawns.

Yep. There it is in stained glass.
It’s official.

And I’m not judging it.
And I’m not doing it.

People really live here?

This is nuts, I thought
it was a metaphor.

We have to go!

Boy. They’re not messing around?

-How are you not burning?
-Oh, it’s just science,

which, unless I’m misinterpreting,
is clearly not a priority here.

Okay, c’mon lil Junebug,
I won’t rub your face in this one,

I’m guessing you’re
feeling pretty stupid.

Yes. Thank you.

Sir Helios gave his life with that sword.
Mortaniel took it.

He cannot leave unless
he bests me in combat.

Okay, one sec. I’m guessing these guys
are like pseudo immortalish since they

live on the sun, so playing by their rules
might be the fastest way out of this.

-Just best him in combat.
-What?

Here. This sword uses AI
to learn from an opponent’s attacks.

-So I have to get attacked first?
-No, no, no,

the sword has already seen Blade.
And loved it. You’ll be fine.

-By golly! Oh crickey.
-Oh! Blimey. I say!

-Okay, so we’re done here.
-No. We’re not done.

I am done. You are now King of the Sun.

-Protect the Scepter always.
-No, no, I don’t want to.

Well how is that supposed to work?
He’s King, but he was never even a knight?

-I mean that’s stupid.
-it’s definitely a

-sun first.
-A king with a penis?

Well what do you want from me?

-All hail King Mortaniel!
-All hail King Mortaniel!

As your King, I hereby
declare a vacation, for me,

I’ll come visit you guys,
on like, Sun Days. Sundays.

If I forget, just wait a week,
keep doing that, keep the crown, peace.

Hell yeah! See? That’s from when
he’s fighting Deacon Frost!

I don’t know. I thought it was cool.

-Okay, so.
-So? Oh.

So you dragged me to
a fake restaurant, yelled at me

for not doing what you wanted,
then did something I told you not to

and it almost cost you your
pud, but I saved your life

and now you’re waiting for me
to make you feel like shit about it.

That’s, yeah, you nailed it.

Morty, I’m sorry I let
your opinion of me get this low.

-Alright, I get it.
-There’s nothing to get,

I’m for real. Look, I’m a drunk,
I’m a psychopath, I’m a murderer,

but when you called me boring.

-I shouldn’t have...
-I needed to hear it.

And you took the stupid
sword and I was like, holy crap,

this is who I am to this kid, he just
does the opposite of my advice now,

I mean I, I gotta fix that,
so I’m gonna be like

twenty two percent more agreeable
with you for like, maybe one episode,

or one adventure.
We’ll see how it goes.

-Is twenty two percent a lot?
-Well I’m not gonna tell you

of our time together I’m usually mean to
you because it’ll hurt your stupid

feelings but twenty two is substantial,
you’re gonna feel the difference.

Okay. I mean, I appreciate it.

You should, because you made
a real mess with these guys.

-Oh man.
-Sire!

-Sire!
-You can’t leave!

Go away!

My king, it is our duty to follow
you ‘til the sun sets on our watch!

I mean, it set yesterday,
so you’re done. Bye.

Sire, the sun never sets on the sun.

-Can you get rid of them?
-You want me to...

Well, you guys know he
can kill you, right?

I think he’d find that quite difficult,
sire, but if it pleases you!

Can’t I just tell you it
pleases me for you to go away?

- No. Not really.
-So you’d rather die than leave me alone.

-Yes!
-Yes!

-A pheasant plucked for my good king,
-A pheasant plucked for my good king,

-A merry jig, sweet songbirds sing!
-A merry jig, sweet songbirds sing!

These guys live on our sun?
I’ve never heard of them.

I don’t see them doing a lot
to earn interplanetary fame.

I beg your pardon, wizard, the Knights
of the Sun protect the solar scepter.

Around which even this world turns.

You do mean that,
like symbolically, right?

Oh quite literally. The Scepter is
the center of the solar system.

All planets orbit it.

We keep it on the sun so that Jupiter
and Saturn don’t bump into each other.

-Oh my god.
-They don’t even know sixth grade science.

That’s it.

Yeah, so there you have it.

Traditions suck ass and your most
foundational beliefs are total bullshit.

We’re supposed to take your word for it?

Anyone can draw circles
on a board and spout numbers.

Yes, this sounds like a fun theory, sire,

but it would take more than this
for us to give up...

Okay so how do you guys
think it works again?

-Well, the Scepter...
-Oh you mean this old thing?

You want it? Here.
Take it back home. It’s a symbol.

It’s your culture.
That’s not the same as reality.

Does this mean we cut off our penises
for absolutely no reason?

That’s the bad news.
The good news is, you’re free.

-Oh that stings.
-Fuck this knights shit.

A query? I just used your
computer phone to search despair.

-Where can I get this heroin?
-I’m not telling you that.

No matter, I’m seeing from most of your
song lyrics that I can get it anywhere.

You guys, someone just used
critical thinking and basic physics

to destroy their first entire religion.

-Nice!
-Good job, Morty!

-So no more sun-tourage?
-Yep. All done.

Plus, Rick and I both learned
to support each other better.

So that’s it, we’re done.
Feels early, but we’re done.

What’s happening? Appliances are
breaking that I haven’t touched.

Maybe the sun is celebrating?

The Sons of the Moon are storming
the Walkway! Doesn’t matter.

Their aggression will be kept in check

by a host of interplanetary
treaties and alliances.

It’s very complicated, but as long as
The Knights of the Sun stand together,

the solar system will always
have complete political stability

where are the Knights of the Sun,
by the way? I’m done pooping.

Did the Knights of the Sun disband?

While I was pooping? Sun-kward.

How many planets in our
solar system have these clowns?

I guess if the sun can support life,
any planet can, I mean,

maybe we all descended
from a common ancestor?

Haven’t you seen, like,
all of the universes?

Exactly, so why would I hang out on Pluto?
That’s some Jerry-league shit.

If the Sons of the Moon
can attack the sun,

why should the Viscounts of Venus
continue sitting in Saturn’s shadow?

How’s this for a reason:
we got all the rings and all the balls!

-Oh fuck you!
-Really?

If the Saturno Venusian detente
is no longer honored,

I declare you all moons of Jupiter.

Because that’s what you are to us!
A bunch of moons!

Do the Knights of the Sun plan to
protect Mercury from this chaos?

Because if we’re on our own,
there’s a new, very tiny sun in town.

It’s all you, pal.

Hello? Don’t I have, like, authority
over this Sons of the Moon meeting?

That all depends. Who the hell are you?

This guy’s the King of the Sun!

-Holy shit the king of the sun.
-Wait when did this happen?

Then tell your Knights to do their jobs!

Yes, your majesty. We all know the sun’s
power lives and dies with your knights.

-Who are you?
-Who am... Who...

I am the Marquis of Mars!
And i declare war on all of you!

War on all of you!

Where are the Knights of the Sun
when we need them most?

-Funny you should ask.
-They’re gone.

They’ve abandoned their duties.

-I see it in the bones.
-Damn, the bones nailed it.

Okay, so you have space ships
and magic ladies?

Look, I’m not gonna read all the books,

what will it take to let this Sons
of the Moon fiasco resolve itself.

Excuse me. How did you become King
of the Sun? You look like an Earthling.

-Santa?
-Santa?

What the hell is that,
I’m the Earl of Earth goddammit.

I agree with Earth on one thing.

Venus questions the legitimacy
of this King’s authority.

-My people say I say aye! Never!
-That sun shall be ours!

I’m the King!
I’ve got the scepter right here!

What the fuck?

Yeah yeah I know you’re freaking out
because it’s not on the sun.

No, because whoever has it

-rules the solar system!
-It’s up for grabs, get it!

After it!

Yes! Yes! I have the scepter.

Soon Jupiter will be the center of
our solar system’s newest dark age...

Fuck that, Mercury will now be
the shining beacon of...

Time to throw it all against the wall!

I think you crushed it.

I mean, not just anybody
can start Solar War One.

-Stop supporting me!
-Can do.

Goodbye, blue sky

Goodbye, blue sky
Goodbye

Goodbye

Did you see the frightened ones?

Did you hear the falling bombs?

Did you ever wonder why we
had to run for shelter when the

Promise of a brave new world
unfurled beneath a clear blue Sky?

Did you see the frightened ones?

Did you hear the falling bombs?

The flames are all long gone,
but the pain lingers on

Goodbye, blue sky

Goodbye, blue sky
Goodbye

Goodbye

Damn, who would have thought
giving the Amish nukes

-would threaten the solar system?
-Maybe we should just jump universes.

I don’t know buddy, feels like we’re kind
of more about trying out commitment now,

ya know? Let’s put our heads together,
maybe there’s something

-we haven’t tried yet.
-Oh, here’s an idea. Fuck you!

-Hey!
-Rick, I can’t take it,

I admit I’m wrong, I screwed up,

you’re killing me here yes-anding me
to death, what is this, Vat of Acid again?

Look man, I’m sorry I’ve been
such a dick in the past

that you think I’m doing a thing here.

I’m honestly just trying
to do better by you.

-Are you a robot?
-Morty!

-A clone?
-Morty!

This family’s got enough
clones and robots in it.

Come on, Morty, stop asking
what you’re asking

and let’s just get back to our crisis.

I’m sorry, it’s just been
a hard road with you, Rick.

Morty, I get that but you
can trust me when I say

I’m just trying to do right by you.

Okay, Rick. You’re right, maybe I just
need to round up some Knights?

If I disillusioned the old ones,
I’ll just have to reillusion them.

It shouldn’t be that hard, right?

Cousins, we need to return
to the walkway at once!

Why are you laughing,

- did I say something funny?
-Oh, Mortaniel!

The only person we bend the knee to
these days is that sweet Black Betty.

-Yeah man, all hail Mr. Brownstone!
-And his doctor. Feelgood that is!

They’re talking about heroin, Morty,
they like it.

-Obviously.
-Obviously?

Apparently living on the sun has turned
our veins into triple-bonded carbon,

so try this tale on for size, Mortaniel.

-We can’t OD!
-C’mon, you guys are a mess.

Well, they actually seem
kinda awesome, Morty.

Lemme be your king. I admit
I wanted what you once had.

Brotherhood, tradition,
stability, purpose.

I just didn’t want to
cut my dick off for it.

Yeah that’s the point. We were
quick to follow this boy before,

without even forcing him to
commit to our traditions.

And all he did was break our faith
and our walkway. And now,

this random fucking guy is here again
to tell us what to do? No fucking way.

What if I cut off my dick?

But you’d be cutting it off for no reason.

Yeah that’s the point of tradition,
doing things for no reason,

but it’d be reason enough
doing it for you guys.

Well you do that,
that would compete with heroin.

Cool, cool can I maybe get maybe a minute?

Buddy, what’s up? Reaching some
sad conclusions about your situation?

Yes, but that walkway needs those knights,

those knights need a king
and that king needs no dick!

Damn, Morty, you really are stepping up.

Now do you want me to help you not have to

-cut your dick off though?
-Yes please!

-Then I got you.
-You really mean it, Rick?

Of course, buddy.
I’ll give you a fake dick.

With three layers of failsafes,
they’ll never know the difference.

Morty. We’re gonna make
your dick so fake, buddy.

The signal!

-Sir the Knights of the Sun are once more!
-Hold fire!

If this return to the Old Ways is true,

I’d be willing to return home
and put an end to the bloodshed.

Sir, Shall we hold off on the
anti matter hydrogen bombing?

Those crusty knights won’t do
the sun much good without their...

Let’s hear them out.

I, Lithdor, son of Thrifdor personally
oversee the stumping of thy King’s stem.

If his stem burns true, peace will
be restored between the spheres!

Present the shears of stumping!

-Morty the brave! You got this, my king!
-Yes! Good for you!

First thing’s first,

step through this machine which checks
for nano technological hologram dicks.

-What?
-War opened our eyes

to the wonders of new technologies!
Please, step through my liege.

Sorry, my lord, but we’re gonna need
you to step through this second machine

-which checks for emergency clone dicks.
-Oh wow,

you guys really embraced
a lot of specific new tech.

-A sunspot!
-What? Where?

Boy, is that a third detector
I see as well?

You’ll find out after the second one,
we don’t like to reveal them

until the previous detecting threshold

-has been crossed.
-Right.

The third detector is going
to scan for a prosthetic dick.

-Oh good.
-Okay well go on through,

and of course, by prosthetic
we mean witchcraft dick.

-Shit.
-Fuck!

I sense one!
The bones say he’s still packin’!

Can’t get nothin’ past the
chicken bone lady. Just testing her.

Stump. Thy. Stem.

Morty? Morty, don’t answer out loud,
can you hear me? It’s Rick,

-I’m talking to you with my mind.
-Yeah I can hear you.

-You said that out loud, don’t speak.
-Sorry. Sorry.

I uplinked a telepathic nano satellite
so we could hear each other’s thoughts,

carefully do everything I tell you
in the exact order I tell you to do it.

-Okay.
-Grab the scissors.

Okay. Got the scissors.

-Now run.
-Oh shit, shit!

Guards, seize them!

Run? You couldn’t have just said that?!

You don’t have to use telepathy anymore,

you can just ask your
rhetorical questions out loud!

I don’t understand, Rick.

Here’s something that’s
easy to understand buddy,

I’m proud of you for trying
to solve your own shit.

-I didn’t want to have to do this.
-It’s okay this time,

we don’t
have any choice.

-I love you, Rick.
-Love you too, buddy.

And that’s when King Morty
and Rick were left with no choice

but to leap into the sun.

Such shame he felt for what he’d done
to our society, sacrificing his dick

wasn’t enough, he gave his entire
body and wizard servant as well.

And after a while, their sun-proof
bones floated up to the top.

We even checked with a royal ladle
to ensure it was real sun,

not just them hiding beneath
in a vat of fake sun.

Such a violent death. And finally
when our grief could bear no more,

we decided to abolish our
medieval act of stem stumping.

And we have King Morty
the Molten to thank for that!

-Morty the Molten! King Morty the Molten!
-Morty the Molten! King Morty the Molten!

See, Morty? Worked like a charm!

Aren’t we risking it all coming back here?

Morty, we had to know, plus the
heat, it’s good for my joints.

King Mortaniel? You’re alive?

Yeah, go tell everybody. Your reward’s
gonna be cutting off your own dick.

Right. Point taken. RIP and cheerio.

-One crispy, one wriggling.
-Coming right up.

-Three loozums.
-How ‘bout ten years? In jail.

Special Agent Mongo Bongo, you’re under
arrest for illegal hot dog trafficking.

Be free, my little babies.

Surprised they actually made it.

Kinda thought maybe some birds
would swoop down or...

I jinxed it!