All language subtitles for Call me Kat S03E08 Call Me Fancy Puffenstuff

Okay, y'all,
Randi asked me to make

a Thanksgiving-themed smoothie.

I was thinking
something with pumpkin spice.

It costs the same,
but we get to charge 12 bucks.

Ooh, I am so thankful
for bougie fools.

And the reason
I didn't use pumpkin spice is

that I don't wear yoga pants
and I'm not a basic bitch.

Ooh. Aw, hell no.

That goes down like something
that already came back up.

It's Mama's
green bean casserole.

It's got cream
of mushroom soup and almonds.

Dang, I forgot the fried onions.

-Let me try it
with a little vodka.
-Mm.

Much better.

Hi, everybody.

What the hell
are you two wearing?

Oh, just a little matching
Thanksgiving hilarity.

-"She's my sweet potato."
-"I yam."

Okay, this is whiter
than the first Thanksgiving.

So, what are you all doing
for Turkey Day?

Same thing I always do,
feed the desperate and needy.

But hopefully Katharine has
other plans this year.

She's kidding.

She's never invited me
for Thanksgiving.

Well, CJ is spending it
with his mom,

so Randi's gonna cook for me
all day.

Randi better be
the name of your DoorDasher.

I'm camping out all day to get
a good spot on Black Friday.

-You getting a new TV?
-Nah, I'm not buying anything.

Just there for the fights.

How about you, Phil?

Are you taking Jalen home
to meet your family?

Oh, no, no, no. We just
started seeing each other.

Plus, the Crumpler family
Thanksgiving can get

a little rowdy.

Last year's pig wrestle sent
two cousins to the ER.

Well,
since everyone's available,

we should do a Friendsgiving.

I'm happy to host.

What?

Kat-- how can I say this?

Your parties suck.

And that's nicer than
the way I was gonna put it.

My parties are fun.
Max, back me up here.

Ain't no party
like a Kat Silver party

'cause a Kat Silver party's
got nonalcoholic punch.

We were scrapbooking.

You can't have
a bunch of drunk people

wielding scissors
all willy-nilly.

-This party's
gonna be different.
-Are you sure?

I yam!

Up top? No?

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Why isn't Katharine
letting us in?

Maybe the cats finally got her.

I need to eat soon.

-Phil is starting to look
like a cartoon drumstick.
-Ha!

A drumstick wishes
it was this juicy.

Carter has
a Thanksgiving protocol.

He doesn't eat for 48 hours,

-and then he shows up
in maternity pants.
-That's right.

Tonight, I'm getting
knocked up with a food baby.

Do we have any idea
what Kat has planned?

Last night, she was
writing things on index cards

and giggling, so I'm thinking
Thanksgiving Mad Libs.

Kat's parties are so adjective,

I'm gonna go verb myself
with a loaded noun.

Good evening, everyone.

I hope you're ready
for a night of glamorous fun.

It's gonna be hotsy-totsy,
and that's no applesauce.

You've got to be
adverb kidding me.

Why are you dressed like that?

You'll learn.
I stopped asking years ago.

Why, I'm Kitty Vanderhuff,

America's wealthiest
cat food tycoon.

Our kibble is the cat's pajamas.

We also make cat's pajamas.

Now, if all you chippies
and cake-eaters are ready

for a real humdinger,

let's fly on up
to the cuckoo's nest.

-Let's go upstairs.
-You hear that, baby?

Mama's gonna eat.

-Ooh!
-Oh, man.

We're going back to the 1920s.
I love it.

Although that means
us confirmed bachelors

can't kiss in public.

Oh, who cares,
there's cocaine in the soda pop.

1920s? Hold up.

If Randi and I got to eat
in the kitchen,

I'm calling Al Sharpton.

No, all are welcome
at Kitty Vanderhuff's table.

And to prove
that I throw fun parties,

I've come up with a theme
for this evening,

and the theme is...
murder.

Wow, honey,
a murder mystery Thanksgiving.

Yay.

All right,
let's meet the victim.

If you please.
Earlier today,

Tom Turkey was found
decapitated,

plucked, and stuffed,

and one of you
in this very room is...

the murderer.

You sure it didn't
die of boredom

from one of your parties?

We're not eating for a while,
are we?

Not true.

Alexa, how long does it take
to cook a 20-pound turkey?

It is recommended to cook
a 20-pound turkey

for four hours and 15 minutes
at 325 degrees Fahrenheit.

Four hours and 15 minutes?!

Alexa, how long before
a human starves to death?

Approximately 21 days.

This is horrible.

Till we eat, I'm just a man
in maternity pants.

Now, inside of these bags,

you'll find
your character backstory,

props and an alibi for...

the murder.

Give me that, or there's
gonna be another murder.

No big deal,
because I have...

a backup.

Who knew I'd miss Mad Libs?

All right, Randi,
tell 'em who you are.

Okay, uh, well, it says here

-that I am-- Oh.
-She's my daughter!
She's my daughter.

We've always best friends,

but since blooming into
womanhood, she's more interested

in the attention
of gentleman callers.

Yeah, you're right,
we should've gotten high.

Cool, I'm Mayor McCheese.

Oh, it's Mayor McChase.
Sorry. Typo.

Don't be sorry, Mayor McCheese
commends Ms. Vanderhuff

on this fine celebration.

Shamrock Shakes for everyone!

I'm a world-class jockey

and three-time
Kentucky Derby Champion.

I get it, I'm short.

I was a preeminent surgeon
in the Army,

who saw things during
the Great War that changed me.

-And what else?
-I have a crush on Kitty.

Darn tootin', you do.

Max, who are you?

Uh, a brilliant
college professor.

I won the Nobel Prize
for my work in thermochemistry.

Great, I'm the nerd.

Really, Katharine?
I'm your maid?

Tut-tut.

I rescued you off the street

when you got too old
to be a prostitute.

This is the first costume
I've ever worn

that my father would approve of.

I'll be right back.

He is such a delight.

If he were straight
and 20 years younger,

he'd be perfect for me.

He's sweet, he's smart.

He makes me feel like
I'm the only person in the room.

Look at me, falling for him
at the speed of lesbian.

Well, well, well,
what do we have here?

Unlikely friends, secret allies,

perhaps partners in... murder?

Okay, who messed with my button?

Hmm, looks like another mystery.

This is the worst party ever,

and I've been to an adult bris.

You know what?

You're a worse maid
than you were a prostitute,

and you were
an awful prostitute.

Al Capone called,
he wants his penny back.

If you keep looking at your
phone, Kat's gonna kick you out.

Actually, that's a good idea.
Give me that.

I sent this record
label my demo over a week ago.

I just really need
some good news.

The phonograph is a fad,
it'll never catch on.

Now, put away that cell blower,
or it's 23 skidoo for you.

Well, I was looking at it, too,
if you want me to Scooby-Doo.

This label is perfect for me.

They only have a few artists.

Although one of them is
Kenny Chesney... 's cousin.

Max, can you just put that away
for a few hours

and be part of this party?

I can, I just don't want to.

What is wrong with you people?!

It's like you're not even
trying to have fun.

You know, when I bought
these decorations at Party City,

the cashier said,
"Wow, I'm so jealous.

Y'all are gonna have
a good time."

Well, you know what, Donna?
I'm the jealous one now.

I wish it were me driving

all the unsold Halloween crap
to the dump.

I'm trying. I checked
every side dish for clues.

The real mystery is
who stole all the flavor?

All right, guys,
Kat worked really hard on this.

So let's show her
how much we appreciate it

by having some fun.

Thank you.

By making it a drinking game!

No. No, no.

We don't need drinking
to make it fun.

I mean, it's already
a logical deduction game.

How about every time Katharine
bosses us around, we drink?

No, no, we are not doing that.

She bossed us. Drink!

No snacking.

Here you go.
Since it's Prohibition,

I had to get the booze from
a couple of shady bootleggers.

They tried to give me
the "rum-around."

Dear God,
only you could ruin alcohol.

So, how do we wrap this game up?

Oh, we've hardly scratched
the surface of the fun.

First you gather clues,

then after many hours
of sifting through evidence,

you make an accusation.

It was Carter. Game over.
Let's frigging eat.

Excuse me? I didn't do it.

And I'm the mayor, so you may
refer to me as "Your Highness."

Okay, new rule, anyone
who makes a wrong accusation

has to drink.

I accuse the groundskeeper.

There is no groundskeeper.

Oh, I know.

It was the maid.

Tom Turkey knew
she was spit shining

more than the jockey's shoes.

You treacherous bitch.

Seriously, me and the maid?

I don't mind being straight,
but really, the help?

I'll tell you
who I think it was--

our host, Fancy Puffenstuff.

Oh, it's true.

Look at those ham hands.

She could strangle a buffalo.

Why, I would never
hurt Tom Turkey.

He was my...
Randi, get the button ready.

Nope.

Fine. He was my...

father. "Dun, dun..."

All right. Who has the button?

Yeah, it was definitely
the button.

You don't know
what it's like to be mayor.

All those citizens,

all those potholes,

having to carry around
that big-ass key to the city.

Well, you don't know what
it's like being Kat's daughter.

I know it's pretend,
but the embarrassment is real.

So, Professor,
as a colleague of Edison's,

I'm curious what you think
of Nikola Tesla.

Oh, that dude's awesome.

Great cars,
even better cough drops.

♪ Ni-ko-la! ♪

This is the best Thanksgiving

since Katharine's father and I
went to Honolulu.

We swam with the dolphins
and had sex on the USS Arizona.

I've never been, but I sure
watched a lot of Magnum, P.I.

The mystery was, "Am I gay?"
And he solved it.

Oh, Hawaii with you
would be magical.

We could boink
at all the war memorials.

Hey, y'all, come on in.

Ladies and gentlemen,

dames and daddies,
get your wiggle on.

The moment has arrived.
Dinner is... Whoa.

Oh.

Ah! My baby!

Screw it! I'm going in!

Save some for me.

I'm the runt of the litter.

Phil! That is my foot!

This is the best Thanksgiving
ever!

That was the worst Thanksgiving
ever.

Oh, good, hey, you're up.

Who wants a breakfast margarita?

How are you not hungover?

You can't get hungover
if you don't stop drinking.

Dude! It is Black Friday.

I will whoop your ass
at a discount.

Well, you know what they say,
it's noon somewhere.

I'll take one.

That's a hell of a mattress
you got in there.

Is that where you slept, baby?

Yeah.

Where's Jalen?

Well, he left after you told him
you loved him.

What?!

I was as surprised as he was.

How about you make me
one for a grown-up?

I told him I loved him?

What did he say?

He said, "You're pretty drunk,
please stop crying."

Oh.

Oh, my God.

The record label loved my demo

and would like to meet me
in Nashville tomorrow.

Whoa, that's amazing!

You're gonna meet Biff Chesney.

Okay, okay,
everybody be happy quieter.

This is a perfect end
to what many are calling

a flawless
murder mystery Thanksgiving.

Well, you know, we never found
out who murdered Tom Turkey.

Oh, we all did,

with our apathy
toward factory farming.

God.

That's stupid.

All my parties end
with a teachable moment.

Excuse me,
I'm gonna go throw up.

I need some relationship advice.

On it, what's up?

Oh, I meant Randi, Carter.

Any of these people.

Phil, if you haven't
heard from Jalen,

you need to text him.

But what would I say?

Is it time
to send a tasteful nude?

-Fixes everything.
-No.
-Bad idea.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

Hey, Phil, can I get a coffee?

I didn't expect you
back so early.

How was your meeting?

I decided to skip the meeting.

You skipped it?

Yeah, the label's
too small for me.

I-I need a place
with a bigger reach.

Well, big things come
from small things all the time.

If you need proof, I can send
you one of my tasteful nudes.

Uh, I'm sorry,
I'm just confused.

Yesterday you were
so excited about this.

And today I changed my mind.

-But I don't...
-Just let it go.

Wait-- Max, hang on.

-What's Max's problem?
-Oh, who cares?

Now, should I send
this text to Jalen?

"Hey, just checking in.
How's it going?

"Are you breaking up with me?
Please don't. I love you.

This is Phil."

-Perfect. Send it.
-No!

My phone.

What's going on?

The truth is I overslept.
My stupid alarm didn't go off.

Oh, well, you can always ask me.

I'll be your wakeup call.

I can even do one of my accents.

Crikey, mate,
it's time to get up.

You've got things to didgeridoo.

I'm not in the mood, Kat.
It's not a great day.

Okay. Well, just reschedule.

I tried.
They were jerks about it.

Really?

You know what?

It's their loss.

You're gonna find
some place better.

Thanks.

Have you been drinking?

I stopped off at a bar, had
a couple to take the edge off.

Uh, it's not even 3:00.

I mean, who are you,
one of the Real Housewives?

What are you saying,
I drink too much?

Um, you tell me.

Were you drunk last night
and that's why you overslept?

Kat, will you give me a break?

I'm just trying to figure out
what's going on here.

I said that
my alarm didn't go off!

I didn't realize
that you were monitoring

how much I was drinking.

And who didn't
have to get hammered

to get through
your dumbass party?

Max...

Okay, he's way out of line.

That party was on the chain.

Or off the chain.

Whichever one is cool,
my party was that.

Kat, everyone drinks too much
at the holidays.

That's what
family does to people.

I know,
but this feels different to me.

Max was so excited
about this meeting,

and then he missed it
because he drank too much.

I mean, you're his roommate,
have you noticed anything?

Well,
only when it's Tequila Tuesday.

Or Whiskey Wednesday.
Or Thirsty Thursday.

Wait, damn,
do I have a drinking problem?

Max doesn't have
a problem with drinking.

He has a problem paying his tab.

I mean, once he settles up,
my kid can finally get braces.

Oh, no, it's Jalen.

It's the best three bucks
I've ever spent.

Oh, God. He's here
to break up with me.

He's gonna do it in person.

That is so classy,

I love him even more.

-Well, be strong.
-Be confident.

Cry early and often.

Hey, you.
See you later, guys.

I love you, Kat.
I love you, Randi.

I love you, Carter.

Something I say to everyone,
doesn't mean anything.

It meant something to somebody.

Don't know if you got my text.

It was nothing special, just,

"What's up?"

Not "wassup..."

You remember that
20 years ago?

Oh, boy, that was funny.

Anyway, nice talk. Kiss?

I-I did get your text,
and sorry I didn't respond.

But what I have to say
should be said in person.

No.

You cannot break up with me
if you can't catch me.

N-No, no. Oh, Phil.

Sit down, Phil.

I'm not breaking up with you.

Oh, thank God.

I haven't run in over 40 years.

Look, I'm not gonna lie,

when you said you loved me,
it kind of freaked me out.

So...

I spent the last couple days
thinking about...

why.

Well, I know why I said it.

You're kind, you're thoughtful.

You've got a butt
tight as airport security.

Since we met,
it's been super obvious to me

that I'm falling for you.

Oh.

Then you went and said that
and I...

I don't want to ruin this
by rushing it.

Well, I don't want to ruin it,
either.

I want to make sure
we do this right.

You're the first boyfriend
I've ever had

where I really see a future.

Boyfriend?

I ate turkey off the floor
with you and your weird friends.

You think I'd do that for
anyone less than a boyfriend?

Hmm. I got a boyfriend.

And my friends are cool.

The only weird one is Kat.

Ay, ay, ay.

Y'all want to come up
for some Thanksgiving leftovers?

I'm in.
How about you, food baby?

Back up, ladies,
he is all mine.

Oh.

Hey, Max.

Yeah, I'm glad you called.

Uh, listen, about earlier...

What?

What's going on?

He got arrested
for public intoxication.

Seriously?

Oh, so now
you don't like the button?

All right, I'm-a just
come out and say it.

I think peeing on a cop car
is funny.

You, sir, are an ally.

Why did you bring them?

Do you know how exciting it is

for a Black person
to bail out a white dude?

I mean, this is the world
that Dr. King dreamed of.

I'm here because
my boyfriend is a lawyer.

Did you say boyfriend, Phil?

Why, yes, I did.

Max, maybe you want to walk us
through what happened?

Uh, after our fight,
I had a couple of drinks,

and then I was walking home,

because I didn't
want to drive drunk,

which I think
I deserve credit for.

No.

So, I ducked into a side street
to go.

And you went on a police car.

Near a police car.
The wind did the rest.

All right, maybe...

maybe I have been drinking
more than usual.

Yeah, the neighborhood kid who
recycles our cans and bottles

just bought a new bike.

It's just the music stuff hasn't
been going like I wanted,

and I just have
too much free time lately.

My boyfriend says, "Idle hands
are the devil's playground."

That's right,
I have a boyfriend.

Maybe a break would be good.

You know, change up my habits.

I think that's smart.

You know what might help?

Paying your bar tab.

I'm sorry that I snapped at you.

Oh. It's okay.

I figured it was
the alcohol talking.

Why else would you say
I threw a dumbass party?

Oh, good God, give it a rest.

We didn't eat for six hours.

Jalen thinks you're weird.

♪ ♪

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