All language subtitles for Saturday Night Live - 41x11 - Ronda Rousey Selena Gomez.WEBRip-monkee (2)

- I am so honored to introduce

my guest today. She's great

of course she's great, she's

she's endorsing me. Alright?

Ladies and gentlemen,
governor Sarah Palin

(cheers and applause)

Thank you, Iowa. I wanted to
take a break from full time

career of writing things

on Facebook.

To fly down here and lend my
support to the next president

of the United States

Donald J. Trump

(cheers and applause)

- Hey, America, isn't she great?

Just the total package.

Smart, legs, yelling, everything.
I haven't seen a woman this

impressive since Jeb Bush.

- I'm here because we Americas

are struggling.
So many of us have lost our jobs

at the factory or our reality

shows about Alaska. [ Laughter ]

We've seen our own children
targeted by the police for no

reason other than they committed
some crimes.

We turn on the news every
morning and are shocked to see

we're not even on it, because
we've been replaced by

immigrants like Geraldo Rivera.
[ Laughter ]

- She's fun.
She just says whatever she

wants. It's like her mouth starts

diving before her
brain gets in the car.

[ Laughter ]
- I'm here for all you teachers

and teamsters.
You farmers and charmers.

Whether you're a mom or two
broke girls or three men and a

baby, or a rock 'n roller, holy
roller, pushin' stroller, pro

bowler, abscessed molar.

[ Laughter ]
- She's a firecracker.

She's a real pistol.
She's crazy, isn't she?

[ Laughter ]
- Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka!

[ Laughter and applause ]
Is what the mainstream media is

spinnin'. Heads are spinnin'.

They say trump and his
trumpeters are right wingin',

bitter clingin', proud of
clinergs of our guns.

But he can kick Isis ass,
because he commands fire.

I hope nobody is allergic to
nuts, 'cause we got a big one

here. [ Laughter ]

She's two Corinthians
short of a Bible.

[ Laughter ]

And is it just me or does everything

say sound kind of dirty.

[ Laughter ]

- Our president's just bendin'
over for Isis, while crony

capitalists are suckin' on the
teet and slurpin' off the gravy

train and congress is just
workin' the balls.

[ Laughter and applause ]
- You see what I mean?

And I love dirty stuff, I really
do, but this is too blue even

for me.
Dear God, she's still talking.

- They stomp on our necks and
say, "oh, what's the big deal?

Just take a chill pill, Jill."
But we're mad.

We've been had and we're not so
glad, quoth the lorax.

[ Laughter ]
- She sounds like a greeting

card from a Chinese dollar store.

Wait, should I be learning
something from this?

Is this like a scrooge and situation?

Because I'm not buying it.
I'm richer than scrooge,

ghosts love me.

And I would never give
my goose to a tiny Tim type.

Gimme a break.
- Thank you, Iowa, and God

bless some of
the United States of America!

[ Cheers and applause ]

- Thank you, Sarah.

You know, a new
poll says I'm up by 11%.

This is really happening people...

- Guess what, America, I don't
really think this guy should be

president. [ Laughter ]

I'm just here, 'cause he's
promised me a spot in his

cabinet.
And I belong in a cabinet,

'cause I'm full of spice and
I've got a great rack.

[ Laughter ]
Live from New York, it's

Saturday night!
[ Cheers and applause ]

- - Announcer: It's
"Saturday night live."

With Vanessa Bayer,

Beck Bennett,

Aidy Bryant,

Colin Jost,

Taran Killam,

Kate McKinnon,

Kyle Mooney,

Bobby Moynihan,

Jay pharaoh,

Cecily strong,

Kenan Thompson,

Sasheer Zamata,

featuring Michael Che,

Pete Davidson,

Leslie Jones,

Jon Rudnitsky,

musical guest, Selena Gomez,

and your host, Ronda Rousey.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ronda Rousey!

♪♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]
- Thank you, thank you very

much.
And thank you for coming out in

even though
there's two feet of snow on the

ground.
They've closed Broadway, they've

closed all the bars,

so literally we're
the only show in town.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Tonight is exciting for me,

because it's the first time I'll
be on television without getting

punched in the face. [ Laughter ]

It's also the first time I'm

talking to my fans since I lost
to holly holm in November.

Which, by the way, was a fight
holly deserved to win.

And I just want to take a minute
to sincerely congratulate her.

[ Applause ] That's enough!

[ Laughter ]
And for those of you who are

worried I'm not ready to host
"Saturday night live" because

of, like, brain damage, I'm good.

Besides, everything I need is on
cue cards.

[ Laughter ]
But, in all seriousness, I'm

fine.
Tonight I'm ready to crush it.

[Bell]

- And that's the end of the
first round of the monologue.

- Oh, and Ronda Rousey's off to
a great start!

Don't you think, Chad?
- I do, mark.

She's warm, yet funny.
I like her chances tonight.

- Just look at the focus as she
prepares for the next round.

- Okay, Ronda, baby, the crowd
is with you.

But now it's time to really get
'em to make some noise.

- How am I
supposed to do that, coach?

- Well, you gotta throw out
some applause lines.

You know, stuff they'll really
cheer for.

- Isn't that kind of cheap?
- Do you want to win this

monologue or not? [ Laughter ]

Now get your butt out there.
[ Bell ringing ]

[ Applause ]
- So, everybody, how does it

feel to be in New York City?
[ Cheers and applause ]

And how about this.
Who here likes cake?

[ Cheers and applause ]
- What a move, going with cake.

- Everybody loves cake, mark,
and Ronda knows that.

- And it looks like she's
getting ready for another joke,

- so what's up with this winter

storm, huh?
- There's the set up...

- I haven't seen this many
flakes since I joined tinder.

[ Audience ohs ]
- Oh, no!

A rare misstep for Ronda!
Clearly some of our audience

uses tinder. [ Laughter ]

- That one took a lot out of her.

- I don't know if I can keep
going, coach.

I'm so tired.
- You can sleep during update!

But right now, it's time for a
sure thing.

Why don't you hit 'em with a
little bit of Kate McKinnon as

Justin Bieber?
- But Justin Bieber is not even

in the news right now.
- Nobody cares about that!

Now go! [ Bell ringing ]

[ Cheers and applause ]
- Hey, girl.

You're not the only one who's
got quick moves.

Watch me. [ Laughter ]

Try and pop me.
Betcha can't pop me.

She hit me.

And now I gotta boo-boo girl.
- Wow, and Ronda's back with an

assist by Bieber.
- That's right, Chad.

Makes me ask myself, will she
join the ranks of all-time

champion Steve Martin?
- It all depends on this final

round. [ Bell ringing ]

What's this? ♪♪♪

Can it be a song?
- Oh, and look the cast is

joining her and

oh, my God, they're even giving
the audience cake!

- Unbelievable!
I didn't know Ronda could sing!

- I can't. Ladies and gentlemen,

Selena Gomez!
[ Cheers and applause ]

- Oh, my gosh! What a move!

Ronda Rousey has won the
monologue!

[ Bell ringing ]
♪ when you're ready come and get

it ♪ ♪ Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na,

Na ♪ - we've got a great show for

you tonight! Selena Gomez is here!

Stick around, we'll be right back!

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪♪

We now return to
the screen guild awards.

- And now the award
for best actor.

There are so many great
performances this year, it's a

shame we cannot nominate more.
But I think we can all agree

these are the best of the best.
For "punching upwards" as a

boxing coach who wouldn't give
up on his pupils, Brad Dunn.

- So that's it huh?

You're just gonna quit?

- Man I don't know
why I'm doing this anyway.

I'll never beat Ruiz

- screw Ruiz.
You know who you got to beat?

Him.

That guy right there.

That's the toughest opponent

you'll ever face in the world.

- For "shut em' down", a raucous

look at rough and tumble '80s
rap group public disaster.

In the role of little q,
drew McKenzie.

[ Light laughter ]
- Man, they been tryin' to shut

us down since day one!
Speak a little truth, and they

try to take you out.
But if anybody wants to leave,

there's the door.
So who is staying?

- Yeah, guys, who is staying?
- I know I am.

[ Light laughter ] [ Applause ]

- For "thurgood," the story of
the first black supreme court

justice, thurgood Marshall,
playing the role of Dave,

Barry peal. [ Light laughter ]

♪♪♪ - I can't wait forever,

Marshall.
Do you love me, or your books?

- Liv, if I'm going to make it
as a lawyer, I got to work ten

times as hard as these white folk.

It's the only way it's going to
work.

- Hey, guys, we close in five
minutes.

[ Laughter ]

Thanks Dave.

[ Applause ]

- For "all the beasts of
heaven," the story of African

child soldiers and the ruthless
warlords who led them.

For his role of white man with
camera, Alan Smickel.

[ Light laughter ]
- You will eat when I say.

You will sleep when I say.
You will kill when I say.

When we fight, we will eat

there beating hearts.

- Finally, for "red line," the
story of discriminatory housing

practices against
African-Americans in Chicago.

For his role as unseen voice on
phone, Jacob Schultz.

[ Light laughter ]
- You white people think you

can take anything you want.
Well, this is my house and it's

- not right!
- Okay.

I'll give them the message.
[ Light laughter ]

[ Applause ]
- And the best actor is, oh, my

God, I knew it, it's a five-way
tie, all the white guys!

[ Laughter and applause ]
- Yeah! We did it!

We'll be back with the
award for best male directer.

I mean director.

- Keep your eyes closed.
- They're closed.

- No peeking. All right.

Sorry it's not a fancy restaurant.

- It's so much better. I love it.

You did all of this for me?
- Well, yeah.

I like you.
I just wanted tonight to be

special.
- I can't believe I'm sitting

here with Chad Channin.
I didn't even think you knew who

- I was.
- Are you kidding me?

I've had a crush on you for a
while.

Try your soup.

- Wow.

- It's so crunchy.
- Do you like it?

- What is it?

[Echoed laughter]

- It's dog food.

- Congratulations, new girl.
You just ate real dog food.

What's the matter
isn't that what bitches eat?

- Chad, what's going on?

- What?
- We played a trick on you,

idiot.
Did you really think that my

boyfriend, the most popular guy
at South high, would ask you,

the weird new girl, on a date?
Wake up.

- You pretended to like me, Chad?

- Yeah. Sorry.

- How embarrassing for you.
At least the whole school isn't

watching this on periscope.
Oh, wait, they are.

- Say hi. To the whole school!

- A star is born.
- What a shame, too.

She got all dolled up.
Where did you get your dress?

Is it from Walmart?
See, I own this school and you

don't talk to my boyfriend and
you certainly...

- Oh!
- Kendra!

- It's okay, you guys.

That barely hurt.
I hope it was worth it, new

girl, because I am going to ruin
your life.

See, when you're
the most popular...

- Damn.
- Bravo.

But before you give an encore,
let me just say...

- Oh!

- Are you mad that I knocked

over the basketballs, new girl?
- No, I kicked you into them.

- Cool words. Well, think fast!

[ Laughter ]

You wanna play dirty?

Give it to me. I got your diary.

Let's see here. Dear Dia...

- Oh, no!

- Hey, Becca.

- Saw what you did back there.
It's pretty cool.

You wanna grab a burger?
[ Laughter ]

- I'm fine.

Brought to you by bamm, bullies
against mixed martial arts.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪ - One very bland man, 25

long-haired women.
Who will he choose to be his

bride?
It all happens tonight on "bland

man." [ Light laughter ]

- My name is Dan and I'm from
Chicago or Denver or something.

I have blue eyes, brown hair and
gray shirts.

And tonight I'm lookin' forward
to getting to know the girls a

- little better.
- I like this.

- Me, too.
- Thank you for our date this

morning.
I loved going to your old high

school and watching you cry.
- Tell me, what do you look for

in a guy?
- Well, I know you're gonna

make fun of me, but I want a guy
who is like my dad.

Smart like my dad, hard-working
like my dad, and with the same

body and penis as my dad.
[ Light laughter ]

- Sorry,
can I steal him for a second?

- I like this.
- Me, too.

- Thanks for our date this
afternoon.

I loved taking a racecar to that
improv class with you.

- I hope I didn't move too fast.

- What?
- I'm kidding.

- That is the funniest joke.
I love that we can laugh

- together.
- Me, too.

[ Laughing ]
- Oh, my gosh, it feels so good

to laugh.
Just before this I was in a

really bad cult. [ Laughter ]

Can I steal him a sec.

- I like this.
- Me, too.

- Thank you for our date this
afternoon.

I loved taking the hot air
balloon with the cast to

"Chicago fire."
- Night's nice, too.

With the moon.
- Yeah, the moon's nice.

- But I also like the day, too,
with the sun.

- Yeah, the sun is so nice.
- We have so much in common.

- Dan, can I ask you something?
Can I wear jeans tomorrow?

- No. [ Light laughter ]

- Can I steal him for a sec?
I like this.

- Me, too.
So, tell me about yourself.

- Well, I'm a virgin, but I'm
very quick to do the stuff I do.

- Wow. That's cool.

- Then why didn't you say so on
our date today?

- Because we were rolling down
a hill in two giant plastic

- hamster balls.
- Sorry I got mad.

That's not me.
Well, it is me but I'm doing a

bad job of hiding it. [ Laughter ]

- Sorry, can I steal him for a
sec?

- I like this.
- Me, too.

So, tell me about yourself.
- Well, I've had to wear a damp

bikini all week, so now it hurts
when I pee.

Also, there's something else i
wanna tell you.

But can I be completely honest
with you?

- Of course.
- I have a son.

And five daughters and they're
right here.

[ Laughter ]
Yeah, and they can't wait for

you to be their daddy.
They're sweet, but they're a lot

of work.
And this one, he always has a

ton of cash and he won't tell me
where it's from.

- Can I steal him for a sec?
- Yes.

- I like this.
- So, tell me about yourself.

- Well, I'm the black one.
- Let me walk you out.

[ Laughter ]
- I didn't get a chance to tell

you that everyone I ever met is
dead.

- Wait, so you have a sad past?
You can stay one more week.

- Sorry, can I steal him for a
second?

- Hey, long time no see.
- Oh, my God.

You're literally the funniest
person I've ever met and I know

two Jews.
- Can I steal him for a sec?

- Yes.
- So tell me about yourself.

- Well, I served in Iraq.
I was a waitress at a diner

there for three years.
- That sounds hard.

And now what do you do?
- Well, right now I do this.

And then after this I'm gonna do
club appearances until I die.

- Me, too.
- Also on the weekends I

volunteer at a kill shelter.
- So, are you having a good

- time?
- It's hard.

All the girls hate me just
'cause I'm so mean to them.

And it's made me realize that i
have some deep emotional

problems and I need to go home
and deal with them.

- I would be sad to see you go.
- Oh, okay, then I'll stay and

just be so insane. [ Laughter ]

- Can I steal him for a sec?
Dan, can I be completely honest

- with you?
- Of course.

- I have one enormous toe.
Like, it's so big, and I've

always been self-conscious about
it my whole life.

I need you to see it.
- Oh, holy...

- Can I steal him for a sec?
- Yeah.

- I like this - me too.

- And I love being here for the

25th season of the show because
i was conceived in the second

season.
- Wow I feel so connected to you.

Remind me of your name again.

- I'm Selena Gomez.

- Yeah, I'll go with her

we can stop.
I'll go with Selena Gomez.

[ Cheers and applause ]

- Ladies and gentlemen,
Selena Gomez!

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪

I'm in my 14 carats, I'm 14 carat

doing it up like Midas, mmm.

Now you say

I gotta touch so good, so good ♪

♪ make you never wanna leave

so don't, so don't
gonna wear that ♪

♪ dress you like skin-tight

do my hair up real ♪

♪ real nice and syncopate my

skin to your heart beating ♪

♪ 'cause I just wanna look good

for you good for you ♪

♪ uh-huh I just wanna

look good for you ♪

♪ good for you uh-huh

let me show you how proud ♪

♪ I am to be yours
leave this dress

a mess on the floor ♪

♪ and still look good for you

good for you uh-huh ♪

♪ take away your things and go ♪
♪ you can't take back what you said.

I know ♪

I've heard it all before ♪

At lease a million times ♪

I'm not one to forget, you know ♪

♪ I don't believe it, I don't ♪

Believe it ♪
♪ you left me in pieces ♪

♪ too hard to breathe ♪
♪ I'm on my knees right now ♪

♪ I'm so sick of that same old

love ♪
♪ I'm so sick of that same old

love ♪ ♪ the kind that breaks your

heart ♪ ♪ oooh ♪

♪ that same old love ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I'm so sick of that same old love

that it tears me up.

♪ I'm so sick of that same old love

my body's had enough.

♪ Oh that same old love

♪ oh that same old love

♪ I'm so sick of that same old love

feels like I've blown apart

♪ I'm so sick of that same old love

that kind that breaks your heart.

♪ Oh that same old love

♪ that same old love

[ cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪ - It's "weekend update" with

Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[ Cheers and applause ]

- What's up, everybody?
Welcome to "weekend update."

I'm Colin Jost.
- I'm Michael Che and here are

tonight's top stories.
- As a result of the massive

blizzard that has hit the east
coast, officials have banned

cars from the road, shut down
half the subway lines and

advised everyone to remain at
home.

The one person ignoring these
warnings, my boss.

Yay. [ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]
- New York mayor Bill de Blasio

said with winter storm Jonas
expected to dump 21 inches of

snow, New York City is in,
quote, uncharted territory.

But not everybody agrees.
On location with the report is

your friend who always says it's
not that bad.

[ Light laughter ]
- How's it going out there man?

Hello everybody.

How is it?

- Seriously, dude?
It's not that bad.

[ Laughter ]
- Well, there you have it.

I guess it's not that bad.
- Good to know.

This week Sarah Palin formally endorsed

Donald trump for president.

Either that or she saw
and open microphone

and decided to say all
the words she knew

in a random order.

At a rally in Iowa today.

Donald trump spoke about how
loyal his supporters are, and

this is what he said.
- I could stand in the middle

of fifth Avenue and shoot
somebody and I wouldn't lose any

voters, okay? Like, incredible.

[ Light laughter ]
- I mean, what are you doing

here, man?
You're bragging that your

supporters love you so much that
they're okay with you just

murdering for sport?
[ Light laughter ]

You know that's not
what a president does right?

You're not running
for president of hunger games.

Between this and Sarah Palin's
endorsement, I'm starting to

think trump is just seeing how
crazy he can go, like a

velociraptor testing the fences

at Jurassic park.
[ Light laughter ]

Because if trump gets out and
becomes president, hold on to

your butts. [ Light laughter ]

And is trump just now
realizing his supporters are a

bunch of window licking water heads?
Donald, you are talking to the

craziest people in the country.
You could literally take your

shoe off mid-speech, hold it up
to your ear and say you're

getting a call from Batman, and
they would be quiet until you

hung up your shoe. [ Laughter ]

- The producers of this year's
Oscars are reportedly trying to

find black presenters to counter
a boycott by black actors.

But the Oscars solving racism by
making black people present

white people with gold.
[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]
Other black celebrities

boycotting the Oscars include
Jada Pinkett Smith,

Tyrese Gibson and Snoop Dogg.
Boycott is a very strong word

for not attending a party you
were never invited to.

[ Light laughter ]
Like the jets boycotting the

super bowl. [ Light laughter ]

- Let's not say boycott, let's
say you took the hint.

[ Light laughter ]
- I'm not watching it, anyway.

The Oscar ceremony is so long
and white and boring, it may

actually win an Oscar.
[ Light laughter ]

The one part I will watch is the
one black guy, like three hours

after it airs and on world star
hip-hop.

[ Light laughter ]
And if you don't know what that

is, you probably saw "Brooklyn."
[ Light laughter ]

There has to be more to
spike Lee than not seeing a

movie called "Brooklyn" starring
only white people.

[ Light laughter ]
That's just rubbing it in.

[ Light laughter ]

- "The Revenant" is the number
one film at the box office.

Here with her view is our own
Leslie Jones.

[ Cheers and applause ]
- How are you, Leslie?

So what did you

think of "the Revenant"?
- I loved it.

But more importantly, I realized
something while I was watching

it. I can have Leonardo DiCaprio.

[ Light laughter ]
- I'm sorry what?

- Don't "what" me,
you sexy ass blizzard.

I just want to plow your ass.
[ Laughter ]

That's right.
I, Leslie Jones, can have

Leonardo DiCaprio. Whoo!

Feels good to say it!

Before today our relationship
was like "inception."

Leo inside of
Leslie inside of a dream.

But soon it won't
be a dream, Colin.

I'm gonna lock his pretty
aviator ass down for keeps.

- Hold on, are you planning
to kidnap him?

- I'm sorry.
My ears can't hear jealousy Jost.

I know you dream of being duct

taped in my trunk.
But I don't need to kidnap

DiCaprio to keep him.
- What do you have that all the

other women Leo's dated don't?
- In one word, everything.

Leo, I'm just going to talk to
you right now.

Hi, Leo. I'm Leslie Jones.

And I'm a funny bitch with her
own place, a great job, and I

understand most of your movies.
And I am crazy good in bed.

I'll even make you a ham
sandwich after sex.

Have you ever had a ham sandwich
after sex?

- I can't say I have, no.
- Yeah I know you ain't.

All the women you and Leo date
ain't got nothing in there
refrigerator but Fuji water

and kombucho juice.

- Kombucho?

- Kombucho!

- So your secret for Leo is a
ham sandwich?

- Yep.
And I'm not talking about that

cheap ass lunch meat, either.
I'm talking about the ham you

put in the oven with the
pineapple.

And while you in the bathroom,

washing your junk off in the
sink, I'll already be in the

kitchen, butt naked, cutting
ham, singing...

♪ Leo want some mustard
on your ham sandwich

on your ham sandwich ♪
- and not that cheap ass yellow

mustard, either, where the oil
comes out first.

I'm talking about that fancy
mustard that the white people

eat in the back of a rolls Royce.

- We do.
- See, I know what no other

woman knows.
Leo you need a lady that can make

you laugh.
Because while any one of them

other pretty bitches is giving
you an orgasm, I'm

the only woman that can give you
a laughgasm.

- And can i
ask what is a laughgasm?

- Oh, look who is all
interested now that I'm with

- Leonardo DiCaprio.
- With him?

- Ain't that always the way.
Well, if you must know, he would

experience something like this.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha ha!

- Ha!
- And when I'm done with him,

his lips won't be the only thing
that's chapped.

That's for damn shore.

- You mean his penis.
- Of course I mean his penis.

What'd you think!?

- Okay. Leslie Jones, everyone.

- That's DiCaprio Jones baby!

Call me Leo!

- A new poll in New Hampshire shows

that Bernie Sanders is
leading Hillary Clinton

60% to 33%.

Said a Clinton staffer
just before being forced choked.

- Peeps have started an

on-line campaign to attract
millennial mothers.

Sure, when I try to attract
millennial mothers, I'm

disrupting a Lamaze class.

Khloe Kardashian revealed

at she recorded a sex tape

with her now ex-husband Lamar Odom

or as Kardashian's call that

first base.

- Let's check in again on the

conditions outside with your
friend who always says "it's not

that bad." How's it look?

- Hey, man, you okay?
Okay cut the feed cut the feed.

I guess it was that bad.

- Today was national
compliment day.

Dad?

- A California woman has

turned her 12-acre ranch into a
home for more than a thousand

cats.
Reached for comment, her husband

left 10 years ago.
- Well, winter is in full

swing with the first snowstorm
of the season in the northeast

this weekend, and I for one am
not thrilled about it.

Here to cheer me up is the most
optimistic guy I know, Willy.

[ Cheers and applause ]
- Hey!

happy blizzard, everybody.
Yeah, don't you just love it?

I can't wait to go home, wrap
myself up in a warm, cozy

blanket, grab a nice thick book
and just start whacking roaches.

[ Laughter ]
- Your apartment has that many

roaches?
- Squatters can't be choosers.

It's like the asbestos
removal crew said:

"My God there's someone alive in here!"

- That's terrible dude.

What about all the fun things
you can do in the snow, making

snow angels, the snow balls,
and all the rock
salt you can eat.

- You eat rock salt?
- We all eat rock salt, man.

- No, we don't, man.
How is this supposed to make me

feel any better about the weather?

- Sounds like somebody has the
winter blues.

When I got the winter blues and
need cheering up, I like to

dress up in a costume I made and
i volunteer down at the animal

shelter.
- That's kind of sweet, man.

- Like we always say, nice try
but we're not going to put you

- down, Willy.
- Come on.

- You know who loved blizzards.
My old dog lucious.

I remember one time me and my
brother took lucious out on the

frozen pond, but then the ice
broke and I had to jump in the

water and save Lucious's life.
It's like my mother always says,

you should have saved your
brother, Willy.

- Willy, everybody!

For weekend update I'm Michael Che!

- I'm Colin Jost, goodnight.

- You're watching HLN.

Headline news.

Headline counts for two letters.

We now return to HLN's coverage of:

Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott.

- We're live outside the Palo
alto courthouse where another

scandal has rocked this city's
school.

- High schoolteacher Janet
Johnson Luna and Carol Torkelson

are accused of having an
inappropriate group encounter

with their student Mr. Daly who was

just 16 at the time.

- The mother is suing for harm

inflicted upon her son.

- Testimony continues as Gavin

Daly will be questioned by the defense.

- Mr. Daly, can you point out

your former teachers to the court.

- Yes, they're right there
giving me butterflies.

- My my.
- So cheesy.

- Monsters!

- Ms. Daly?
Please try and control yourself.

Continue council.

- Mr. Daly, do you recall the events
of October 3rd 2014, the day of the

- encounter?
- Very clearly.

I replay it like a movie in my
head every single day.

- Your honor, I'd like to show
exhibit 7a, a text conversation

taken from Mr. Daly's phone.
Ms. Luna texts, I'm with Mr.

Torkelson, come over for some
private tutoring, winky emoji

face.
Can you describe your response?

- Ah yes I responded with a

gif of a cartoon bird

exiting frame so fast that

his feathers fly off

to imply that I was

happy on my way as quickly as possible.

- Yes, you certainly were.
To illustrate Mr. Daly's attitude

I would like to show traffic

camera footage of Mr. Daly's car
the moment he received miss

Luna's text.
Was that you driving, Mr. Daly?

- Yes. That was the second coolest

thing I did that day.
Second coolest.

I see what you did there.
- What happened when you

arrived at miss Luna's house?
- I ran to the front door

saying, oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God.

- When did things turn sexual
between the three of you?

- After I walked in, I went to
the bathroom, I looked at myself

in the mirror and I said, your
life begins today.

And then I came out and we got
down.

- How long would you say the
encounter lasted?

- About five hours.
- Oh, I remember those days.

- Mr. Daly, what happened when
you left Ms. Luna's house?

- I walked to the car with my
arms out kind of like spinning

in circles like a Disney
princess, like mid-song.

- Oh my God.
- It's so corny.

- In the days following, how
did your classmates learn about

what happened?
- I believe from me telling the

story to anyone who would listen.

- Were you ostracized at school
because of this?

- No, I felt more like Forrest
Gump when he was running across

America and people started
following him because he

represents hope.
- Yet your mother claims your

peers called you names.
- Yes, sir.

Kids called me "the chosen one,"
"king of everything," "the

Revenant," "three's humpony,"

"diary of a pimpy kid"

"veloci-tapped her"

and "my man" but the way Denzel

Washington says it.
- Pardon me, "my man" like

Denzel Washington says it?
- Judge: Let the record show

the witness means "my man."
- Did this affect your

relationship with your family at
all?

- Yes, sir.
My grandpa and dad were

estranged.
This event brought them back

together.
- To illustrate Mr. Daly's

mental state in the days
following, here is a vine he

posted the day after the
encounter.

- What a dork.
- You know what, we'll take a

short recess and then we'll
resume testimony from my man.

- Wow, absolutely riveting
testimony.

- I know, that kid rules.
At 16 I was still all about

playing with legos.
More after this.

- They've released a cyber
beast all over the city.

We're doomed!
What are we going to do!

- Looks like the end.

- Look, what's that!

- I think help has arrived!

- Fear not friends!

The super crew is here!

To save the day!

- Thank God!
The city is in trouble.

- Can you help?
- Of course, we can.

I'm Metalia.
I can bend metal with my mind.

- That's going to work great
against these metal menaces.

Go get 'em.
- Hang on, because there's more

than just her, and it's fair
that we each get an intro, okay?

- Okay. I'm sorry, go ahead.

- I'm solar.
I can harness the power of the

sun to melt any material.
- Great, you can melt the

robots right now!
- And I think he probably will

do that, after we meet everyone.
- I'm Aviana.

I'm gifted with the power of
flight.

- Awesome.
- But only as fast as you can

walk and only for 10 seconds at
a time.

- That's great.
- I can do it twice a day.

- I'm noodle man!
I can create a Mountain of

noodles to smother any foe.
It's noodle time!

- I think honestly we could get
the job done with just the heat

man and metal lady.
- Can I talk to you for just a

second?
We don't know each other very

well, but the more you interrupt
this, the longer this is going

- to take.
- Okay.

How many are there total?
- Like between 6 and 30.

- I'm Mr. leathers!
At any moment I can be wearing

leather! Oh, I have it on now!

- I don't see how that helps.

Oh no, they just attacked the orphanage!

- Look, I'm flying.

- Don't waste it.
Now you can only use it once

more.
- No, this was the second time.

Then what else can you do today?

I'm not sure.

- I'm the beast. Roar!

- Now we're talking.
- Yeah.

- Because I'm obsessed with
"beauty and the beast."

A tale as old as time.

- I am queen Aquata.
I command the seas.

But the question is,
will they obey?

And the short answer is no.
- You can't do anything?

- I just love the beach.
And I can eat sand, and so far

- it hasn't hurt me.
- I'm Gagina.

I have gay-dar but
only for black men.

Alert. One here is.

- I am?
- Oh!

- I don't really have to go
because I'm very similar to Mr.

Noodles, but my name is couscous
if that helps.

- And I'm firebutt!
- Great.

We think all of you are great.
- So now you can probably save

- the city, right?
- I'm on it.

- You saved the day!
- I'm sorry, who saved the day?

- We mean the super crew all
together equally saved the day

- as a unit.
- Yes!

♪♪♪

- Three Grey goose Martinis, please.

- Uh-oh those
guys are staring at you,

- oh, I think they're coming

over here.

- Yo girl.

- Sup girl

- hello girl.

- Sorry guys, we're
kinda just having a girls night.

- Oh well that's perfect.

- Yeah cause we were
looking to having a girls night too.

- Ha, TJ, he's such a Mac.

We're all macs,
we're all player macs actually.

- Not interested.

- We weren't checking to see if
you were interested.

We were checking to see if you
could handle us.

- I'm a big girl.
I can take care of myself.

- Oh really?

- We won't waste your time
counting the paper we stack.

And instead let us tell
you about how we pack.

Got a d so big you can
ride it like a boat.

Throw it on the water
walk across it like a moat.

I've even heard people
say mine's too much.

I pulled it out my pants
and I played double Dutch.

It's no urban legend but take it from me

I like it sit shotgun I can ride hov.

Don't worry about mine I'll

go down on you.

Faster than a train
or a speeding bullet.

So black and big it
was raised by Sandra bullock.

- I walk with three lights when

I'm not even trying.
If it was Pinocchio's nose, you

know he's lying.

- Whatever I'll just go down on you.

I don't take my pants off.

You can get on the
back and ride it like a rocket.

- It looked like an anaconda

sticking in my pocket.
- Must be nice!

- Stays so hard
i like to keep in the freezer

it leans to the left
like the tower of pisa.

- I threw you on
the bed, my pants are on

my shirt is on

my hat is on, my socks are

on, my jacket's on. Blurred lines.

♪ I got more sausage than new
Orleans got gumbo.

When I pull down my pants it
looks just like dumbo.

♪ When I pull down my pants
there's another pair on.

No negotiation.

- Go home with
me I'll break you off proper.

My thing had a voice
it sound like mufasa.

♪ We been doing all the talking

let's let her talk.
Like what's your favorite

fashion and way to dance?
Isabel bottoms and the boogie

woogie.

Or satin blouse and the cha cha cha.

- You're not even trying to rhyme.

- I am trying.

- Ya'll girls want a good time

come roll with me.

My thing goes deeper than

poetry.

When they see it they gasp yo.

One time they used it as a lasso...

♪ I got a great job, I'll go

down on you ♪
♪ I don't love it but I'll do it.

- That was disgusting,

immature, and most of all, a bad
rap.

- I absolutely disagree.
- What the hell are you doing?

- I barely pushed her. I'm sorry.

I got a small penis but I'll go
down on you.

- Motion passes.
- Okay so that concludes action items.

We now begin the citizens

forum and open the podium to
members of the community.

- As a reminder swearing is prohibited.

If you cannot express your
opinion without using foul

language, I encourage you to
leave.

- Bye.
- All right, then, I guess

we'll start with you, ma'am.
Hello.

- Jan krang, female, age 47.
- There is no need to state

your sex and age.
What's the problem?

- The teens have taken their
mischief to the skies.

And I am talking about drones!

I snatched this one when it
whizzed over my backyard when I

was sunbathing, and the little
camera snapped some pics of me

in my tanning trunks.
They are supposed to be used on

some kind of website called
drone milfs.

Well, the joke's on them.
How can I can a milf when I

don't have any children.
I move to ban these peep bots and

free the drone milfs.

- We can't ban the drones but I

suggest contacting a lawyer about

unauthorized use of your picture.

- Thank you. Once again jan krang!

Krangutan.

- Yes we know thank you.

- Hello there, Mrs. Todd.

Back again so soon?
- I was banned from the senior

center again.
I'm here to ask for reinstatement.

- Mrs. Todd this is
the third time this month.

- It's not my fault!

I had a rockstar energy drink

that lit a fire under my toot.

I was playing monopoly with

Ethel and she bought Marvin
gardens, but I wanted Marvin gardens.

I told her I wanted it but she

refused, so I knocked her over

the game and I started throwing
little red hotels at everybody

in the actmty room.
Then I pulled the fire alarm and

yelled, I am the nightmare.
- I'm not going to do that.

I am not done!

And then I ran outside and

climbed a tree, i
grabbed a wasp nest that threw

it into a zumba class.
- Do you promise to stay away

from rockstar energy drink?

- If I told you yes, that'd be a lie.

- Then request denied.

- I understand,
I'm a danger to myself and others.

- Moving on,
hi there young man how are you.

- My name is mc strategy.
I'm originally from Holland but

I'm here to spread dope beats

on the cautious state of real hip hop!

As you know, next Sunday is the

youth football champion chip game!

My question to you is, instead

of star-spangled banner, may i
perform a four and half hour concert

along with the rest of
mythic inside crew.

Mad styles!

Dj liner!

- I believe Caroline shue is

going to sing the national
anthem during the game.

- What if I promise to bring
the abstract foes?

- I would still say no.

Right!

Well thanks for being
part of the revolution.

Please pick up my cd outside of the

papa Johns!

- Definitely, definitely will.

- Hi there, Mr. loomis.
- Lou.

Call me Gary.
I'd like to introduce my good

friend Mary bonham.
She'd like to apply for an event

permit, and I told her I would
help her out because I'm kind of

- tight with you guys.
- Hi there.

I'm in an old-timey
traveling carnival

and side show.

I'd like to set up my tents in
the town fair for a two-week

engagement. My side show includes

such human oddities as Todd

the last Baldwin brother!

- What else do you have?

- That's it.

- All your carnival has is Todd,

- the lost Baldwin brother?
- Yeah.

- Sorry, I think
we're going to pass.

- Alright cool, thanks for your time.

- Hello there, young man.
- What up?

I lost a drone.
Anybody turn one in?

- Do you per chance have a
website called drone milfs?

- Yeah. Cool, right?

- Yeah, but the search bar is
hard to find, and when you

create an account, you should be
able to save your favorites, but

we do not have your drone.
It looks like we're out of time.

Meeting adjourned.
Drive safe, everybody!

- Once again, Selena Gomez.
[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ ♪ can't keep my

hands to myself no matter how

hard I'm trying to ♪ ♪ I want you

all to myself your metaphorical

gin and juice ♪ ♪ so come on

give me a taste of what it's

like to be ♪ ♪ next to you

won't let one drop go to waste

your metaphorical ♪
♪ gin and juice

ohh, cause all of the downs and

the uppers ♪ ♪ keep making

love to each other and I'm trying

trying I'm ♪ ♪ trying trying

all of the downs and

the uppers ♪ ♪ keep making

love to each other and I'm trying

trying I'm trying ♪ ♪ but I

can't keep my hands to myself

hands to myself ♪ ♪ can't keep my

hands to myself hands to myself ♪

♪ the doctors say you're no good

but people say what say they ♪

♪ wanna say and you should

know if I could I'd breathe you ♪

♪ in every single day
ohh, cause all

of the downs and the uppers ♪

♪ keep making love to each other

and I'm trying trying I'm ♪

♪ trying trying all of the downs

and the uppers keep making love ♪

♪ to each other and I'm trying

trying I'm trying but I ♪

♪ can't keep my hands to myself

hands to myself can't keep my ♪

♪ hands to myself hands to myself

can't keep my hands to myself ♪

♪ I want it all no nothing else

can't keep my ♪ ♪ hands to myself

give me your all and nothing else

oh I I want it all ♪ ♪ I want all

I want all I want it all yeah

♪ hands to myself I mean I could

but why would I want to ♪

♪ my hands to myself can't keep my

hands to myself
my hands to myself ♪

♪ can't keep keep my hands

to myself I want it all ♪

♪ know nothing else can't keep my

hands to myself give me your ♪

♪ all and nothing else
can't keep my

hands to myself ♪ ♪♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

- Hey rob, hey, Nicky.

- Both: Hey Debra!

Were you guys able to talk to

don about the new customer
service policies?

- No, but we were going to

after lunch.
- Great, oh, and I don't know

if you heard but I'm having
people over to watch the game on

Sunday if you want to come by.
- Oh yes!

- The game? You're having
people over for it?

[ Light laughter ]
- Yeah, I thought it might be

- fun.
- Oh, it's party time all

right.
- Not quite a party, but people

over for sure. No big deal.

- Great, me and him love parties.

It's one of our favorite things
to go to.

- We're always getting invited
to parties, so this is nothing

new.
- Well, mine's Sunday starting

around 3:00.
- Okay, and that's morning or

later?
- 3:00 P.M.

Don't come by my house at
3:00 A.M.

- Great.
- That's actually easy for us.

- Yeah, way easier for us.
I'm actually scared at 3:00 A.M.

[ Laughter ]
- Okay, but there's no reason

to be scared.
- Nope, not of a party.

- And of course, we're going
doing what people do at parties

so a little of this, a little
bit of that, would you say?

[ Laughter ]
- Just watching football.

- Exactly.
- Feel free to bring something.

- But no pressure.
- Like a bucket.

- We're just going to be
watching TV, so we don't need

- buckets.
- Perfect.

- Oh so just bring a couple tvs
then?

- I have a TV.
You don't have to bring one from

home.
- Oh that's probably easier for

us, we live two hours away and
we don't have a car.

- Yeah, thanks Obama. [ Laughter ]

- Oh hey, do people have any
allergies or...

- I don't think so.
- Oh great, then I'll find a

couple dogs to bring. [ Laughter ]

- Please don't
bring dogs to my house.

- Oh, you're going
to provide the dogs?

- Very classy affair.
- Absolutely.

- Have you guys not been to a
party before?

- Oh yeah just not with other people.

[ Laughter ]
- Did I hear you guys talking

about a party? I'm there.

I'll be the one with the nachos.
- And we'll be the ones with

the towels.
- I don't know what that could

mean. [ Laughter ]

- Cuz we're bringing towels to
the party.

- Ha ha, see you Sunday at 3:00 A.M.

- P.M.

- Oh, right.

- I'm going to walk away right now.

- I already have plenty of towels.

- Lucky.
- We can bring rags.

- Rags?
- You must know that those are

little shredded towels.
- I know what rags are and I

don't need anything like that.
- Say no more. That actually

makes things a lot easier for us.

- Yeah.
- If you guys don't want to

come don't stress.
- Oh no, we're not stressed.

We got full body massages today.
- Yep, we're not stressed at

all. We've been to a party or two

- before.
- Yeah.

- I get it,
it's not your first rodeo.

- No one said
anything about rodeo.

[ Laughter ]
- Rodeo, party, either way we

get are clowns, right?

- No, it's very casual.
I'll either see you at my house

- on Sunday or not.
- Roger that.

- Now just out of curiosity,
how do we get inside your place?

- What?
- I mean like, is it a climbing

situation?
Do you want us to slam in your

front door or...
- No, it's just a regular door

- and I'll open it.
- Perfect.

- That's easier for us.
- Right.

[ Laughter ]
- You guys don't really have to

- come.
- Oh we'll be there.

- Oh yeah. [ Door bell ]

- Deb, wake up, we're here to
watch the game.

[ Barking ]
- We brought dogs and rags.

[ Laughter ] [ Applause ]

- I think I'm a pretty good catch.

So why can't I meet the right guy?

I tried all the online dating
apps like tinder, okcupid, and

match.Com but I want to get
married now.

That's why I joined the new
online dating app, settl.

[ Laughter ]
There's nothing wrong with the

men on settl.
They're just normal guys with

characteristics I'm now willing
to overlook.

[ Light laughter ]
I already bought my wedding

dress so I just needed a groom.
I joined settl and went on tons

of okay dates.
That's how I met my Henry.

He may drive a smartcar but
he's a manager at petco and even

has a 401k.
We're getting married in April

which is before my sister.
[ Laughter ]

- Settl isn't misleading like
those other dating apps.

It's honest.
For example, men are only

allowed to upload their passport
photos or ones of them

pretending to hold the leaning
tower of pisa.

[ Laughter ]
That way we can't focus on their

- looks.
- Hi.

- Sorry I'm late.
I don't have a car.

- Whatever.
- And they guaranteed a date

because settl won't allow us to
swipe left.

[ Error noise ]
Because remember, it's not

gmng up, it's settling up.
[ Laughter ]

- Settl. Tick tock.

- Would you like to have
another glass of wine?

- Oh, no thank you. I'm usually
in bed by now.

[ Applause ]

- Thanks to Selena Gomez, Tina
fey, everybody crazy enough to

brave the blizzard and come here
tonight.

Everybody watching here tonight,
keep warm!

Thank you so much!
Have a good night!

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪♪