All language subtitles for the not so secret life of the manic depressive - 10 years on - 2016

Stephen Fry is one of Britain's
most-recognised public figures.

He's enormously popular and successful.

I know it's been...a very tough year
for many of you.

What with the shock of both
George Clooney and me

being removed
from the matrimonial market.

He also has a mental illness
that four-million other people

in Britain struggle with.

Looking back on it, can you think about
what started it for you?

Where did it start to go wrong?

Just some feeling came over me
that this was...this was the end.

This was the time to bring the curtain down,
to finish.

There was nothing on Earth to live for.

Ten years ago,
Stephen made a groundbreaking series

that explored this condition.

'There's no doubt that
I do have...extremes of mood

'that are greater than just about
anybody else I know.'

I'm fully aware
I'm a very awful person to be with.

I find it difficult to meet people's eyes.

I find it very difficult to connect
with people. I find it very...

I just want to be alone, frankly.

Speaking openly for the first time,
he encouraged others to do the same.

My father actually killed himself
just over there, actually.

So, er...it's not...it's not the best place.

The programme's had a huge impact

and helped start a more open conversation

about living with manic depression,

or bipolar, as it's now called.

I so very much bitterly resent
having manic depression.

I wish I could say otherwise,
but that's how I feel.

The series also urged that,
as a society, we do more to help.

So, ten years on, have we?

And do we understand bipolar better?

HE SINGS

The entire world is looking at you

predominantly, 70%, like, "You're a fool".

Alien. Wow!

Is treatment for bipolar better?

He went to the doctors

and he was prescribed
some antidepressants of some sort.

One sent him worse than ever

and the other, he just was like a zombie.

I had a week where I had no feelings
and no emotions and, you know,

that was a concern for me.

Is it any easier for young people now
to admit they have bipolar?

'Shared it on Facebook.
The response I had was just amazing.

'I never expected that.'

And it would just say positive comments
and messages and emails.

And how is Stephen coping a decade later?

You will have this for the rest of your life,
in my view.

What you're not talking about is curing me.

I do think the medication will reduce
the severity.

So, ten years on,

is there a brighter future for those
with bipolar?

HUBBUB

Four years ago, Stephen's bipolar life
reached a critical point

whilst he was filming in Africa.

'I can recall interviewing
an Ugandan minister

'who was a foaming, frothing homophobe
of the worst kind

'behind the bill in Uganda

'that was supposed to make homosexuality
a capital offence.

'In other words, a death sentence.'

- How do you do?
- Thank you. My name is Stephen.

It was a very passionate interview
and I was very...

strong in my opinions and he was
very strong in his opinions.

I will arrest you. I will arrest you!

Don't promote, don't recruit,

don't encourage others to come into your...

I hope, um...

'There was nothing else to do, so
I could go back to the hotel.'

- OK, thank you.
- Thank you.

I knew I had a bottle of vodka in my room

and I knew I had a whole sponge bagful
of pills.

And I paced around,

trying to analyse what it was that
had disappeared from me.

And it seemed as though
the whole essence of me had disappeared.

Everything that was me was no longer there.

Just some feeling came over me
that this was...this was the end.

And I just carefully lined up

I don't know how many of those damn pills

and drank all the vodka that there was there
with the pills.

The next thing I remember was I'm on the floor,

an embarrassed member of the hotel

is looking down at the carpet in the doorway.

"You've just got to get into a hospital."

It took two days to get Stephen back to the UK.

He'd never been as low before.

He decided he had to see a psychiatrist.

It's easy to think that his slightly
manic presentation

is part of his personality.

And therefore, that when he says
he's down, it's fake.

That somehow, it's an act.

But that Uganda depression
was clearly very deep.

I have a dim memory of arriving here and...

Well, you arrived, let me remind you,

- sorry that you were still alive.
- Yes, I was.

And wanting to die and feeling
that you should have died.

From two years ago when we first met,

just like being very depressed,

you were also extremely manic in your speech.

You talked and talked and talked about

the purposelessness of your life,
how your skills meant nothing.

Your talents seemed meaningless

- and your future seemed hopeless.
- Yeah.

So it was valuable to...put you
on the anti-manic medication

and to get rid of the alcohol at that point

and look at your mood state.

And I can remember that, that
I was in pain, but I can't recreate it.

But I remember thinking it and I meant it.

Stephen's psychiatrist immediately
admitted him to hospital.

Had he not expressed willingness
to accept treatment,

I would have applied for a section

under the Mental Health Act at that point.

Because I was worried enough about him

to believe that he might actually kill himself.

We had somebody outside his door
for most of the first day and night.

There were two very bad days
and then suddenly,

- you began to see a chink of light again.
- Yeah, that's right.

And brightened up very quickly.

At the age of 56,

Stephen got a formal
mental health diagnosis
of cyclothymia.

Mood swings that lead to
disturbed behaviour.

But with the diagnosis came the medication.

And that immediately made him feel
much better.

It's often said that early diagnosis is crucial

to helping people live a happier, safer life.

- How do you do?
- Hi!
- How nice to meet you. I'm Stephen.

- Lovely to meet you!
- Hello! Come in. I mean, that's what you say.

In the first series, Stephen met Cordelia,

who was diagnosed at 22,

after a distressing time
at Oxford University.

I'm not going to be a lawyer

or a doctor or something with my illness...

Cordelia, then 26, but struggling
even with medication,

to manage her mood swings.

Eight: Inflated self-esteem,
rapid thoughts and speech,

counterproductive simultaneous tasks.
Yes, I recognise that one.

That's about where I was when
I was in hospital, about eight.

- No, I think you were at nine.
- I was not!

I had not lost touch with reality!

- You...
- I was not paranoid and vindictive!

Stephen watched Cordelia tell
her therapist

how destructive bipolarity was to her
dreams of becoming a writer.

What I...had thought is that when
I was depressed,

I would be able to write
about being depressed,
but I actually can't.

I can't even write about being depressed
when I'm depressed.

I can't really write about anything.

I'm never going to be able to write again.

I'm never going to be able to, you know,
go out and socialise again.

I'm never going to be able to do anything
again.

I mean, what does it say about you
if you can't write?

She looks as though she wants to walk out now.

The writing is something that I'm good at and...

So, if you can't do that...

- that's the final straw?
- Yeah.

First impressions ten years on seem positive.

Cordelia has written a novel and
a daily blog charts her mood cycles.

'June 9th, 2014.

'What you should be doing is resting,
regrouping, sleeping,

'but you're buzzing and you can't sleep,
can't sleep, can't sleep.'

When she's low, she even gives a name
to her depression.

She calls it, the Panther.

'November 6th, 2014.

'Waking up, late,
there's a heavy weight on my chest.

'Opening my eyes,
I see the Panther next to me,

'one huge paw draped over me.

'"I've been expecting you," I say.'

I was 26 years old and
I had this optimism that
I would overcome

my mental disorder and go on and live
some much more productive life.

And, of course, I haven't.

I'm still dealing with my mental disorder
every day of my life,

as is everyone else I know who has one.

'May 1st, 2015.

'There's a wren flying around the house,

'trying to get out, and she can't.

'And you're chasing after her,
trying to coax her towards the door

'and you've got to, got to,
got to chase her out.

'The wren flies into your mouth and down
your oesophagus

'and the flapping wings of the tiny, terrified bird

'are beating in your head now

'and in your throat and in your heart.

'And your heart beats too fast
and your chest is tight.

'It doesn't stop.

'This is anxiety.'

It happens when my mood is too high,
or too low,

or sometimes it just comes out of nowhere.

I can be in a safe place and suddenly
the bird is flapping

around inside my head and my stomach
and I have to leave wherever I am.

When she's depressed,
she's so totally negative about everything.

She thinks that she's worthless,
her life is worthless.

She keeps saying, um...
"Why can't I just die?"

And she has tried to, um...
commit suicide four times.

Ten years ago, Cordelia could still
lead a social life,

going to London with her friend, Naomi.

Now, Naomi's life has moved on.

She is happily married and has a baby.

They still meet up, but Naomi
sees just how much being bipolar

still shapes Cordelia's life.

To me, it seems like you're doing loads.

You're managing your blog every day
and it's great. Yeah?

- And you're working.
- Yes.

- You are...
- A whole two days a week.

- And you're maintaining a relationship.
- Yeah. Well,

I am maintaining a relationship,
that's probably the main thing I'm doing.

- Do you still feel that you have
as many highs, as well? - Yeah.

- And as extreme?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- yeah. My highs are a bit worse now.

I think it's because of adding all these
new drugs in. And it's like...

You know, if it was sort of,

"Here's something that will
make you happy and thin"...

..then that would be one thing.

But it's, like,
"Here is something that
will make you fat

"and make you sweaty and not be able
to sleep,

"but you've got to have it".

And that's just not a very nice choice.
Or not choice.

- There isn't a choice.
- Yeah.

LOW CHATTER

'She's extremely hard on herself.

'I can't stress that enough, really.'

She's achieving so much in her life

with all these difficult things
going on for her

and the way that she feels and it's...

You know, it's just never enough for her.

And she's brave and courageous

and all these things that
she doesn't see at all.

It's ruined any chance she could have had

of having the sort of life
that her friends have.

When she's depressed, she won't speak
to them.

She won't return their phone calls.
She doesn't want to see anyone.

She just wants to be left alone

and it's not a very good basis
for a friendship really.

So, she lives a very restricted sort of life,
really,

for somebody of her age.

Two years ago,

that restricted life suddenly got
much worse.

Cordelia discovered she developed
a major physical illness too.

This is a CT scan

and we're going to be scanning
through your chest

and your abdomen and pelvis.

A rash on her breast Cordelia
had ignored

was diagnosed as breast cancer,

which has now spread to her skin
and lungs.

Breathe.

'Here we are at the hospital
of death and cancer.

'Going to turn it into a scan to see
if my cancer

'in my lungs is better or worse.'

Ten years ago, I had everything
to look forward to

and now, basically, whether
they slow it down a bit or not,

I'm terminally ill

and I'm basically dying.

They don't know how long,
they don't know if it will or it won't.

But...

every time we thought
there might be some hope,

it always turned out worse
than we expected, didn't it?

I think we've just given up hoping
for things now

and we're just trying to have
as much fun as we can.

Almost every week,

Cordelia visits London Zoo
with her mother.

Normally, it calms her.

Oh, he's coming over to see us.

- He's coming over to see us. Hello,
hello, JJ. - JJ.

Do you see any of the cubs?

But today her mood is changing.

Her normal pattern is 5 months high,
3 months low

and she's starting to feel low again.

I just feel really tired now.

I expect you do.

Just feel quite sad, haven't got
much energy,

finding it very difficult to do
my basic things,

like going to the gym and
I really just want to sort of

be with my mum and...

Yeah, like now, I just really want
to sit down.

I just feel really, really, really exhausted.

It's just as if a light has gone out, isn't it?

I can always tell.

I can't really explain it now because
I'm actually just too tired.

Well, I think you'll just have to try
and believe me

when I say that in two months' time,
you will be feeling much better.

- Let's hope so.
- Yes.

I'm hoping I'm still alive by then.

Breast cancer doesn't annoy me
all the time.

It's not like every day I think about it

in the way that I think about
my mental disorder every day.

It's weird. It's really quite,
quite different.

Depression is just worse than anything

because it's, you know,

mental anguish and mental agony.

With her early diagnosis,

Cordelia knew why she had severe
mood swings.

But clearly it's not helped her to live
with them.

For Stephen though, his diagnosis
of cyclothymia

brought treatment that seemed to help,

but recently his behaviour
has been causing concern.

Despite being on medication,
he's becoming increasingly manic

and his psychiatrist is considering
a new diagnosis.

When I had that very manic episode
earlier this year,

when I was hyper,

I was changing the colour shades
of the trousers

hanging in the wardrobe,
so that they went in one proper gradation

and I was being, I suppose, some people
call it OCD.

- Forgive me, but you talk rapidly
and you always have.

When you go a bit high,
do you notice that speeds up?

I don't notice it as much
as those close to me do.

My sister does very clearly

and will text me straightaway
after we've had

- a conversation on the phone.
- So, friends and family...
- Yeah.

..can sense that you've gone a little high?

Some people think that being high
is a rather

jolly, happy, great place,
but I think, at times,

it makes you quite distressed as well.

Absolutely, this particular time
I was saying, I think to you

and certainly to my close friends and family,
I said, "Do you know...

"Please don't send straightaway
for an ambulance, but

"I think I know how Joan of Arc felt.

"I think I understand some of
this sort of...

"radiant sense of absolute purpose and...

"complete confidence and drive

"and connection to the entire universe."

It sounded absolute piffle
when you think about it.

So filled with a kind of inner energy of...

That is so exciting.

The character I compared myself to
is Howard Beale.

You know, the posthumous
Oscar-winning performance

by Peter Finch in the film Network?

I want you to get up now.

I want all of you to get up out of
your chairs.

I want you to get up right now and
go to the window,

open it and stick your head out and yell,

"I'm as mad as hell and
I'm not going to take this any more!"

He talks about being filled and charged

with an extraordinary energy.

But he refuses to believe he's man.

He thinks he is a prophet.

And fortunately,
I didn't go down that line!

Do you think that that was
one of the more manic phases

you've had recently?

Definitely, yes, yes.

Two years ago when you came in,
first time,

we were thinking about a diagnosis
then of next a mixed state,

- sort of cyclothymic state.
- Yeah, yes.

And in the intervening period,
I think,

we would have to concede that
you've had a manic episode,
certainly one.

- Yes. - And I think that means we need
to probably review the diagnosis.

- Yeah. - So that, rather than it being
cyclothymic disorder,

I think you have to accept now that
it's bipolar type I disorder.

- Right.
- I think you do have a true condition...
- Yeah.

- ..and we've got to treat that appropriately.
- Yes.

I long clung to the idea that
I was cyclothymic

which is a sort of mixed state.

What marked it out for Billy,

and I think I'd kind of come to terms
with it myself,

was the increasing periods
of mania and sleeplessness

and restlessness,
which are of a different order to

the bursting energy
that I sometimes have.

The lowering thought is that
it is getting worse in me

and cyclothymia to bipolar
I is a bad jump.

I will have to be more careful with myself,

I will have to be less abandoned
about the way I live.

I need really to know more about...

what'll happen to me if I'm not careful.

This new diagnosis will bring
new medication to help control

Stephen's mood swings.

One aspect of Stevens manic moments

so far in which he is fortunate,
is that they've happened in private.

Many with bipolar aren't so lucky.

Their manic behaviour is in front of us
- the public.

And the reaction can be brutal.

In June 2012, Alika, a 21-year-old
budding musician in London,

took this train journey from Dollis Hill
to Waterloo.

On board the train he listened
to his music as always,

completely unaware that he was about
to be seen by millions.

# ..tell you

# You don't care if it's true

# I know you've been hurt
by someone else. #

The man who secretly filmed Alika
from his phone

uploaded the video that night onto
YouTube.

# If you let me... #

Within a day, over two million people
had watched Alika's moment.

The entire world is looking at you,
predominantly 70%,

like you're a fool.

There's a lot of hurtful things.

"Needs shooting."

"Black X Factor for these tuneless,
talentless,

"self-absorbed fucks."

"Alien." Wow.

"Humans - what a mass of parasites."

Nice.

I just remember, basically, that was
the beginning of me going,

"Fuck everything, I want to run away.

Things like this,
it's literally destroying me.

"Let me just lock myself away.

"That's it."

Alika's mum saw her son's
mood change.

We hardly see him.

He hardly slept.

I realise, this boy is not sleeping,
he's not eating.

He's not going to work.

This was one of the things
I was doing in my room

while I was secluded and this is
like a baby picture I've got.

At the back of it I basically wrote
what I thought was my will,

because I really thought
I was going to die.

The first thing it literally says is,

"Alika, you are not a bad person."

This is actually stains of water

which was from my eyes
as I was writing that.

So, this is literally my dry tears,

writing it in a dark room.

I asked him, what is happening?

He said, "I've taken some few days off."

That went into a week, into two weeks.

And I say, "Something is not right here."

Eventually, Alika decided to take
a dangerous step.

Basically climbed out of my room

and just wanted to get away
from everything.

I was really trying to end it all.

And then my brother came in and
he seen on my laptop

that I had researched,

"How to commit suicide."

And I think he thought I was bluffing
and that it was all staged.

So, I climbed out even more
and I was basically kind of like

right at the top and I was thinking...

And I was pretty much ready to do it
and that's when, I think,

my brother realised it was real.

And that's when they called police.

Finally, I'm getting literally picked up

and carried like a dead body

down the stairs, handcuffs on my wrist,

dragging me down
in the most weirdest position.

We carry him. Some on the legs,
someone on the hips, someone behind.

And he's screaming.

"Don't let them take me,
don't let them take me!"

"Mum, you can't let them do this!
You can't...

"I don't want to go!"

"I'm not crazy, don't let them take me!"

I just kept on screaming that out.

But I was very frightened,
very frightened.

Alika was placed under section
in a psychiatric hospital

for four months.

I've been explained and told that,
"You had an episode of psychosis.

"You're going through one of those times

"that you don't know the difference
between reality and dream."

And then, all of a sudden on the last day,

"Oh, yeah, so, we've decided
you have bipolar."

I think they even said type I.

Despite the public humiliation
of his breakdown

and what triggered it, in the 3 years since,

Alika hasn't hidden away.

Instead, he's taken his experience
of being a target of abuse

and uses it to confront
the stigma surrounding mental illness.

# You don't care if it's true. #

# I know you've been hurt

# By someone else. #

Having bipolar is a very hard thing
to deal with.

I think the hardest thing about it is
when you know that no one will

really understand, when you become
looked as some sort of freak.

I know it sounds cliched, but
there is always light at the end

of the tunnel and if it doesn't kill you,
it makes you stronger.

And I'm proof.

I thought of it as, "Oh, he's just
another crazy guy on the train."

- Yeah.
- Because you get a lot of that in London.

But then after obviously you said it,
I was just like, "Oh..." That's where it hit.

I feel guilty for laughing at you,

because I don't know what it feels like
to be in your shoes.

Some of the comments were extremely
racist, or extremely inhumane

and extremely negative, like,
"He should die."

It's like, wow. Someone
was having a breakdown

and singing out loud on the tube
and they should die for that?

When you're, you know, maybe posting
a comment, you don't realise the effect

- that it will have on the person
you're commenting about.

You think it's banter, but to them
it really hurts and it could keep

them awake at night, what you said.
But behind the computer screen,

you don't realise that. You just think,
"Ah, LOL! I'm being funny."

But for me that's a subject quite close
to my heart because one of my friends
took their lives.

When he passed away, it wasn't us
that was not trying to talk about,

it was the adults that tried to keep it,
like, hushed

and nobody wanted to talk about it.

- So, they were creating stigma, when actually..
- We wanted to understand, like, but obviously,

- No one wanted to tell. - No one wanted
to tell that they didn't want to tell us.

People use bipolar as an insult nowadays.
"Oh, you're bipolar.

You know, "Get your mood together."
Stuff like that.

And so you tend to stay away
from people who you think aren't OK.

If we were educated about all these things,

we'd know that this is literally
an illness.

The brain can get sick just
as much as the body can get sick.

This isn't a choice.

People who I've spoken with about this
have all been, like, my age group

and over time they've just naturally
become negative,

which is what I feel like a lot of adults do

and I hope you guys don't do the same.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

So, before you judge anyone
or before you condemn anyone,

or, like, take part in mocking
and shaming people -

just remember that that could be you
- and that's it.

Thank you.

Alika's decision to fight back
against the stigma he faced

is part of how he forged his recovery.

With the more serious diagnosis of bipolar I,

Stephen's psychiatrist wants him
to be aware of what might threaten
his recovery.

I remember in the five-month period
before you saw me,

- you visited 20 countries...
- Yeah.
- ..you'd crossed three time zones...

- Yeah.
- ..and you were burnt out by then.
- Yeah.

And I understand you've now done
a lot of travelling...

Yes, last week I went to
San Francisco for a day.

I literally - I mean,
I landed there at five in the evening,

I had a series of meetings until
about 11 at night

and then got up at 5:30 in the morning
San Francisco time

and then all the way through the day
until 4 o'clock

when the flight back to London was.

And then flew to Chennai in India

and arriving there at 5:30 in the morning.

And then that filming went on
till 10:30 in the evening

and the next day was another 12 hours.

In fact, I was up till midnight and then
I had an hour to get back to the hotel
and pack

and go to the airport because it was a 3:30
in the morning flight back to England.

I don't usually think of myself
as an anxious person -

just the act of going out of the house,

I felt this kind of dead weight
of anxiety on me.

Do remember that with people
with bipolar disorder especially -

crossing borders, jet lag -
they're all pressures

that can actually cause a disruption.
I'm not going to say that they'll cause
a breakdown...

- No. - ..they won't necessarily do that,
but they are stressor and you need
to be particularly careful

that you manage them properly.
Does your sleep get disordered?

The most important thing for me now
is to get a solid eight hours

and I know I won't unless
I have an Ambien, you know -

diazepam or an Ambien and a Xanax.

- So, that's you, in a way, creating sleep.
- Yes.

In fact, that and Xanax and
a good couple of vodkas -

I know I will get straight to sleep.
And I know I'll wake up without feeling fuzzy

- or in any way affected. - I want
to pull you up on that, because, frankly,

- that's what I don't think you should do.
- Yes. - It's not wise or safe to rely
on self-medicating

- with alcohol. Remember, alcohol
is a very powerful drug... - Yes.
- ..it's also a depressant,

you're on an anti-depressant - and, frankly,
if you take an antidepressant with one hand

and a depressant with the other -
they'll meet in the middle of your brain
and have a bit of a car crash.

And little bits going everywhere and that
will mess up your thinking.
So, you will be a little zonked

in the morning.

What can make you high -
as I mention to Stephen regularly -

travel, sleeplessness, not taking care
of yourself,

poor exercise and, of course, drugs
and drink.

If you drink a lot, or use cocaine,
or use stimulant drugs,
you may drive yourself into this condition

because you're already
predisposed towards it.

So, there's an interplay between
what you do with your life

and the condition you may have inherited,
or you may have developed.

Many people like Stephen self-medicate
their condition

with alcohol and drugs to help them
deal with their moods.

At the same time, they are often
very reluctant to take the medication

their psychiatrists have prescribed for them.

There Must Be An Angel
by Eurythmics

They hate the side effects and try
to manage their lives without medication.

That led Stephen to his crisis point in Uganda.

It's brought Scott Martin,
a chef in Lincolnshire,

to a crossroads in his marriage and his job.

I had a bit of delusions where,
it was like an obsession with Annie Lennox.

# No one on earth could feel like this... #

I was listening to her songs and
I believed there was hidden messages
in the songs just for me.

Particular lines in the songs that
I thought, that's me, you know.

# Must be talking to an angel

# Must be talking to an angel

# Must be talking to an angel... #

Thursday night he had completely lost touch
with reality

and really frightened me.

# Must be talking to an angel... #

And he just thought he had time travelled
to now

and that he was actually the age
that he is now, but in the '80s.

- This weren't all real to him.
- OK.

She's obviously been put on this Earth to write the song for me

and it all adds up and, you know, this is how I am.

This is what frightens me, Naomi,
because he last lost touch with reality

and I'm telling him that this isn't true
and I'm worried that one day

he's going to wake up and think
that he's some sort of angel.

If he does believe he's an angel
and he could fly, would he actually attempt to fly?

But this is sort of why I want him sorted now.

I've said to him - the last time
he was in a real bad place -

I sort of said, if you don't get sorted,
you're going to lose everything.

He could be like a bear on a morning shift

and then in the evening when he comes in -

completely different - raring to go.

For the last five years,
Scott's held down a chef's job here,

but only just.

And only because his boss is determined
to help him.

The difference in temperament
within a 12 hour, six hour span,

was quite marked really.

He's one person and then
his another person.

He changes from being happy to then,
like,

being moody and then just snaps back
to how he was.

Just don't chuck away that pan, though.

He slowly loses all his friends
because his sudden outbursts -

on some people they can have
such an impact,

they'll never speak to him again.
So, yes.

Park bench material is where he could be.

Scott's family life is no easier.

His mania is making him so anxious,
he simply cannot enjoy going out

with his wife and children.

I don't think I can do this. I don't know
if I can do this. I just look around and think,

who's that there and do I know them?
It doesn't look busy, but to me
it just seems like

loads of people.
I can hear everything they're saying,
it's just,too much for me.

I'm nervous and worried and people
are staring, I suppose,

and paranoid and all of it.

This isn't the first time that we've gone anywhere
and he's ended up sitting in the car on his own

while I've gone off and done whatever
with the kids.

Sometimes he thinks, "Yeah, I'm going to try
and do this and I am going to do it."

And then he gets here and he can't.
He just can't make himself to it.

Scott's increasingly disturbed behaviour
has driven his wife to breaking point.

Hayley said, you know,
this can't go on no more.

If you're not willing to help yourself
- you've got to go and take something,
basically.

I mean, it's like an ultimatum of -

it's either this or nothing, really.

So, Scott now finds himself back
at the psychiatric clinic

he came to over a year ago.

Then, he was put on medication,
but after just a few weeks on the drugs,

he came off them.

He was very anti-medicine,
because he told me very clearly that

taking medication from a psychiatrist

is very stigmatising for him.
He didn't believe in it.

We discussed about a lot of treatment options
and I told you to go and read about it.

Have you gone through that?

- Yeah, I have sort of picked one what
I'm particularly interested in. So...
- And that is?

- Which appeals to me the most. So...
- And that is?

- Lithium, yeah.
- Oh, good.

Lithium is a very strong, very powerful,

- very well established, very evidence-based
mood stabiliser.

- How it works, even now in 2015, we don't know...
- OK.

but it works very well. It goes to your brain
and alters the mechanism

- and within a week or two you'll feel
that mood gets stabilised.

But like any other chemical that we use,
it also has side effects.

Some people feel that they have
some weight gain.

I mean, that is an issue for me, so...

- Yes, so we'll talk about it, yeah?
- Yeah. It's sort of known as like a zombie drug,

and that was my big issue with it.
But you've covered...

- No, I don't think it will cause you
that zombie feeling...

When I looked through all of the drugs
available,

they all had these side effects.

I think you just have to learn that
the side effects are going to be there,

but you've got to give it the patience
to carry on with that.

But last time Scott didn't have that patience.

Within a month, he came off his meds
because, in his words,

he felt fat and like a zombie.

A complaint voiced by many who
have been put on antidepressants

and mood stabilisers.

The question is, will it be different now?

He can knock pans and knock things off
and catch plates.

His processes were a little slower than
he usually moves about,

which I thought was the worry of him
of taking this particular drug, as well.

I've had a week where I had no feelings
and no emotions

and, you know, that was a concern for me.
Because I was quite an emotional person

and to suddenly realise what it's like
to have no emotion,

then you think there's something wrong.

Scott has retreated into his own company
and in the second week of his medication,

discovers another worrying side effect.

I was sleeping - nightmares -

and I felt as if I was awake in my sleep.

It was frightening to think,
is this going to be like this for
every night I go to sleep?

Towards the end of that second week,
he's staying up till the early hours
of the morning

because I think he was scared
that he was going to go into it again,

so he'd stop himself going to bed.

I always just wonder about,
when he's down on his own at night,

if he's not well, he didn't ought
to be left on his own,

even though he tells me he wants
to be on his own, he doesn't really.

I know he doesn't really.

It's now six weeks and Scott is still
on the meds.

His psychiatrist wants to do
a follow-up assessment.

So, let's talk about,
what are the good things that
have happened to you?

What are positive things
that have happened?

I think the positive thing is
I feel a bit more calmer,

a bit more able to be in social situations

and perhaps my mind's clearer, as well.

That's the big thing, for me.
I've not been overthinking things.

Have you noticed any change
in your sleep pattern yet?

Initially, I was...I felt as if
I was staying awake a bit more

and I had a few...
like a nightmare type symptom.

What sort of nightmares?

It was a kind of like
I was awake in my sleep.

And it sort of put me off going to sleep,
so then I was staying up.

- But that's passed now.
- Passed now? Oh, good.

Yeah, I think that was about 2 or 3 weeks
into it.

So, on a scale of zero to ten,

if zero was where you started
and ten is very well,

where would you put yourself now?

- Six, seven. - Six, seven?
- Yeah. - That's very impressive.

They've took to me well, you know.

Other medications,
I didn't have no faith in, but this one just,

yeah, I feel more myself.

But there is a sting in the tail for Scott.

To build on the success of lithium so far,

Dr Jha wants Scott to double his daily dose.

- What did he say?
- I need to double my dosage.
- Right.

Because my levels aren't quite higher,

so he wants to stick me onto 800
instead of 400.

Will they not get worse with it being
a double dose?

He never mentioned,
so we've just got to see how it goes.

Well, I just know when you
first started taking them,

- you felt quite poorly for a start, didn't you?
- Yeah. Well...

Could that happen again?

Potentially. I'll see.

- I feel well, so...
- Yeah.

If I have any problems,
I can just contact him, can't I? So...

But, again, you can say this now,
because you've been good, just lately.

When you're not good, will you still be
saying the same then?

Or will you be telling me off because
I'm interfering and controlling and...

- We'll wait and see, won't we?
- Yeah.
- We'll have to wait and see.

Oh, well.
Hopefully it won't come to that.

Come on, kids. Jump in.

Scott then surprises Hayley
by agreeing to a trip to town with the family.

MUSIC: Dog Shelter by Burial

I mean, I'm pleased, but...

you're the sweaty! You've got the hot hands.

Keep following Daddy.

I think they've definitely noticed
that Daddy's calmer and happier

and, you know, happy to be around us all
and have us all together.

I think he does try to do it.

I think it's still there eating away at him,
you know, the anxiety of it all,

but he just tries to do it and tries
to control it.

MUSIC: Dog Shelter by Burial

I do think that he can do this
if he really wants to do it,

but when he's low he's not himself,

he's not always in control of what
he's saying and what he's thinking

and that's when I'm worried that he'll say,
"No, I'm not doing any more."

I believe lithium works better
the longer you've been on it,

so we're talking, like, years
not weeks or days.

I do think it's the beginning of the journey,
but hopefully, he'll get through it.

When Scott was first diagnosed,
Hayley thought this was a breakthrough -

Scott's behaviour will improve.

Now she realises it's an illness she
and the family will have to cope
with the rest of his life.

And Scott will have to accept
taking medication is a vital part of that.

There is no guarantee of the condition easing.

MUSIC: BBC NEWS INTRO

The American actor and comedian
Robin Williams has been found dead

at his home in California.

Police say they believe he killed himself.

The worst thing that has happened to me
in terms of just reminding me

of how serious this is was
the suicide of Robin Williams.

A man of such extraordinary grace
and kindness.

There's a myth around that manic people
are all very happy people.

They're often not - and having
to be the funny person in the party

and the one that everyone relies
on to be the life and soul is very exhausting
for a lot of people.

And that's why some comedians
and some very funny people

become extremely depressed
when they go down and often, of course,
suicidal.

And there are, as you know,
many comedians who have actually
killed themselves.

- How many are born of your... I mean, it is...
- It's a gene pool.

- Of your gene pool?
- You have children?

When the gene pool's a Jacuzzi,
this is what you get.

- "You've had children?" Yes. "You have spawn?"
Yes. - There must be a Robin Land somewhere

- where there are more of you. Where you can...
- There's others who can speak this language.
- Yes!

It reminded me that this is not a condition
that is ever going to go away.

That what you're not talking about
is curing me. You're talking about...

how best I can cope with something
that's going to live with me.

Robin Williams's death just reminded me -

he was older than me -

that...these things, these ghosts, don't go away.

No, but I think we can do lots
to reduce the risk of anything...

- Yeah.
- ..awful happening to your thinking,

so that it drives you towards
doing something to yourself.

- But I think you're right - you will have this
for the rest of your life, in my view.

We will do what we can to reduce
the frequency of the attacks,

but the tendency is for - as people get older,

- for the interval between episodes
tend to shorten slightly.

But with good treatment we can make that
as manageable as possible

I am more alert now than
I've ever been in my life to my own moods,

but it's never going to get off my back, this monkey
- this is always going to be there -

and no matter how things seem to be going well,

one day there's always the possibility of...

..just me getting it wrong.

Stephen now accepts just how dangerous
his mental illness is.

Managing it going forward is a daunting prospect,

but Stephen's in his fifties.

For a teenager discovering they are bipolar
means decades of treatment

and a life change for ever.

Three months before - literally,
no sign of anything -

I was just...

No one would have suspected.

Six years ago, Rachel Edwards
lived in this Norfolk village.

She appeared a happy teenager
but she wasn't.

It would be kind of like at night time
when I'm on my own,

I used to cry and stuff, because
I just felt so low, but I didn't know why.

She had a couple of jobs, she worked
at the swimming pool here as a lifeguard

and she worked also in the old people's home,
she did cleaning.

And she suddenly started getting
really tearful and tired

and I said, "You're overdoing it."

Looking back, we just thought,
"Oh, she's just overworking.
She just wants the money."

I was very, very low for about a week
and I couldn't stop crying.

I didn't know what was wrong with me

and then suddenly my mood started to elevate

while I was away on a college trip to Amsterdam.

(Forever Lost by God Is An Astronaut)

When I was in Amsterdam,
I went to an art gallery and I was looking
at all the paintings

and the letters he'd written and
I had an idea that I was Van Gogh.

(Forever Lost by God Is An Astronaut)

The ferry trip back to England was rough.

But Rachel decided she could control
the weather.

She was found on deck screaming
at the storm.

Her parents were called to take her home
to Norfolk.

That weekend, worried about leaving her,

they brought Rachel with them
to their London flat.

I got her into bed and I fell asleep

and then she had got up while I was asleep

and that's when it happened.

I got dressed into a nice outfit,
put my bag on, done my make-up

and went out onto the balcony.

And there was some helicopters outside

and I thought that they were there to film me

coming out on the balcony and that
they were going to film me flying.

Because I felt like I was a really special person.

And then I got up
- because it was like a high ledge -

and stood on that and jumped.

I woke up and she wasn't there and
it was kind of like, "Where is she?"
I thought, "Oh, she'll be in the

"kitchen, or something.
She's gone to get something." And I went,
and of course, the door was open -

the balcony door was open -

and I went out and she was sort of
screaming down the bottom, sort of...

Mum said I was screaming,
"I don't want to die, I don't want to die."

So no intention was suicidal
when I was like this, it was just...

..I was just very confused.

The fall of 50 feet broke Rachel's back

and she spent months in hospital.

It's weird, because I can move my legs,
so you wouldn't think

I'm paralysed, but I'm actually
paralysed from here down.

When I got told I'd never be to walk again,
that was just

the worst feeling ever.
I thought my life was over.

The hospital diagnosed Rachel's broken body,

but not immediately her broken mind.

Perhaps, not surprisingly,
because it usually takes between seven

and eight years of people exhibiting
really troubling behaviour

before a true diagnosis is made.

So, Rachel left the hospital still manic.

18 months later, she had a second episode.

This time, her friends saw it coming.

Well, Mum found this earlier
- this whole folder.

This is some of the stuff that I did.

- You remember writing all of this.
- I remember just going manic
with the colours and the pens.

It just doesn't make any sense, at all.

It just shows how random your thoughts
were at the time.

This was my head, if you know what I mean.

Just all these things, all at once.

You did go really childlike.

Yeah. I think that's how we noticed,
probably, the second episode was coming.
It was...

- Really excitable.
- Yeah.

When I got ill the 2nd time, did you worry,
like, that I was going to have another accident,
or something?

Yeah, I did. I was really worried.

And you were, like, rolling around
on the floor in the supermarket.

- I can't even remember this.
- We just stood there and cried, I think.

We were just...
Because it was such a shock, it was like,
what's happened?

Rachel's behaviour became more
and more troubling,

until one night she decided again to jump.

I still had these feelings that I'd be able
to fly,

despite everything that happened to me.

I went upstairs one night and
I got dressed up again

and I thought someone was sitting outside
my window

and that I was going to fly off with them.

I went to bed and I thought,

I'll do it later when everyone's asleep.

I went to bed and luckily didn't wake up
until the morning

and then I had different ideas by the morning.

I always hate that.

It took that second attempt to jump
before Rachel

was formally diagnosed bipolar
and prescribed medication.

Despite that, she still has severe mood swings
and is judged at risk.

Her mental health nurse wants her
to agree to being sectioned

if her behaviour becomes extreme again.

You know, if things got really bad
we would actually...

I don't know what your thoughts
are about using the Mental Health Act

as a last resort, I guess, for you.

- I don't really know what that is.
- The Mental Health Act would be where,
if you felt -

"Pete, I'm not going to go into hospital,
I'm feeling too great, things are amazing..."

- and I was really concerned about
knowing where this could lead in terms
of your elevated mood...

..we consider having you in hospital
for a little while until we can get you back
to stable again.

I do get low, I do get the low days,
like I was saying last time,

but I try and get myself out of them.

- We need to watch both ends of the spectrum,
do know what I mean?

- Hopefully, that won't happen, but...
- Yeah, no, hopefully not.

Because we've got all these other stages
in between to prevent that,
but we have to talk about the...

- The last resort.
- The last resort, yeah.

We need to take steps to ensure
her safety

and if Rachel's gone beyond the point
where she would come in for
a voluntary admission

and has lost capacity due to the mental state,

then we need to protect her from herself

and so we need to get her into hospital
where we can stabilise it

and get her back to her normal self
as quickly as possible.

Didn't I plants some blackberries?

- No.
- Blueberries?

- The blueberries.
- Yeah, they died.
- Oh.

- I was telling Dad last night...
- Yeah?

..if I was to get ill again,

bringing me up here would probably
be the best thing.

Yeah, it's very therapeutic.

She's very brave and she'd had a lot of pain.

You do question, why her?
You know, what has she done to deserve it?

But it's not up to us, is it?
How these things happen, they just happen.

Knowing now she's bipolar faces Rachel
with a familiar challenge.

Familiar, that is, to the mentally ill.

People don't understand mental health,
or they don't know about bipolar

and I thought, if I told people the truth
that I'd jumped off the balcony

because I thought I could fly, then people
are just going to think I'm absolutely nuts.

Which is why when people asked me,
I'd just say, "Oh, I fell off a balcony."

But one day I saw the
Mental Health Awareness Day on TV

and it just got me thinking

and I just decided to write a blog about it
- about my accident

and about mental health
- to raise awareness, really.

I shared it on Facebook.
The response I had was just amazing.

I'd never expected that and
it was just so positive comments

and messages and e-mails.

Encouraged by the reaction
to going public about being bipolar,

Rachel is now determined to take
her experience to those who most need help.

She's training in Norwich to be
a peer support worker

for people with mental health problems.

So, why would that help somebody,
do you reckon, hearing how you did it?

They might feel more open in hearing our story.

The other week on one of the workshops,
I was chatting to a lady afterwards

and when I left her, she said,
"You've actually really inspired me."

And that was really nice, because...

that is going to be part of our role, really -

to inspire.

Three months later,

she got what she never imagined
would be possible again - a job.

Actually getting a job, to me,
is massive.

One of my older brothers actually
said to me after my accident,

"One day you'll use what
you've been through to help others."

I didn't really ever think about it,
but now I'm doing this,

it kind of feels like
I am meant to be doing it.

Being open about her mental illness
is now central to how Rachel

lives her life and how she intends
to survive with her condition.

I didn't lose any friends, they gradually
brought me back into the world

and they'd come round and see me,
sit with me while I cried...

They don't feel sorry for me,
they just include me in everything.

Let's get in front of the stage, right.

We've been to festivals, even though it's hard
in the mud getting around,

they always include me in everything.

Which is what you want really.

I wouldn't want people feeling sorry for me.

Because...

to me, now, I'm just...I'm fine.

Ten years on, it's still difficult for people
who are bipolar.

They struggle to take medication,
to get quicker treatment

and to live with stigma and the fear of it.

But as Stephen knows, people like Rachel
show a way forward.

The triumph of spirit over misfortune.

He hopes we get the message.

I'm very proud of the fact that
as president of Mind,

it's more talked about, politicians talk about it more.

You know, it's in the culture more
and it's understood more

and it's extremely pleasing
that so many people

do make a difference and care about it.

As always, it's the young who are
so much more sympathetic now

than other generations before.

They're so much better informed
and that can only increase.

Because you have to find a way for us
as a society

to value everyone - including the mentally ill.

And, in fact, the mentally ill
perhaps more than anyone,

because they are a submerged minority,
but a huge one

and their difficulties make life
harder for them to deal with

and to find the right way through.

They really do.

Subtitles by Ericsson