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1
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,116
Mummy!
2
00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:21,996
Disgustin'!
3
00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:01,074
WHOOOOH! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
4
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:28,918
(RADIO) The great sound
of Lena Martell.
5
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,680
A dedication
to all in the Ed Stewart Ward
6
00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:35,156
having a bleeding miserable time
in the nasal area!
7
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:38,909
So we're going back in Mike King's
time machine to 1976!
8
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:41,076
Here's Racey!
9
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,236
(MUSICAL I NTRO)
10
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,396
# Some girls will... #
11
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:48,160
Hey! Remember this?
12
00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:51,909
"Some Girls Do."
I played rhythm guitar on that!
13
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:54,839
On the demo. Oh, yeah.
14
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,196
Nicky Chin says to me,
15
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:04,076
"Les, keep on playing like that, son,
and we'll be...finished on schedule."
16
00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:07,033
And we were! Ahead of time, in fact.
17
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:11,916
Went down the pub. He buys me a pint.
Lovely fella - good sense of humour.
18
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:15,078
McQueen, there's arses need wiping!
19
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,236
Righto, Mr Best.
20
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,958
Yeah, you're right.
I'm glad I packed it in.
21
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:26,436
- It's a shit business!
- MCQUEEN!
22
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:36,429
So caring, considerate, good looking.
Is it what you are or what you want?
23
00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:39,154
- It's what I want.
- Right.
24
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,316
I was gonna say - good looking?
25
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:45,479
OK, my name is Olive and it's my job
to build up a profile of you,
26
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:49,514
then match it to a suitable lady
from our extensive files.
27
00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:53,679
Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind
or not at all kind to animals?
28
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:55,154
Sorry?
29
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:58,318
Very kind, kind, fairly kind
or not kind to animals?
30
00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:01,398
- I can't really say.
- So not at all kind.
31
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,831
- Don't put that.
- Gotta take your first answer. Quiet?
32
00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:06,996
- When?
- In general.
33
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:09,156
- Sometimes...
- Quiet.
34
00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:11,715
- Must you put that?
- We need your bad points.
35
00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,150
That's not such a bad point, is it?
36
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:17,591
You say that, but you can't get
a girlfriend, can you?
37
00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:22,680
Let me explain
how a dating agency works.
38
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,838
95% of the people that come here
are weirdos.
39
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,508
My boyfriend doesn't like me
working here.
40
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:32,474
Not that he's jealous. I tell him,
"You should see the state of 'em!"
41
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:37,549
- Just thinks it's depressing for me.
- Did you meet him through an agency?
42
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:41,432
God, no!
43
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,757
I shall tell him that tonight
in bed! He'll laugh!
44
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:48,919
No, we met at a friend's party.
You meet people through people.
45
00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:51,475
A lot of them haven't got friends!
46
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:54,956
Ultimately, you have to question
that, don't you?
47
00:03:55,160 --> 00:04:00,154
Listen to me wittering on! Let's get
you paired up! Miracles can happen!
48
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,830
How confident are you on a scale
of 1 to 10? 10 being very.
49
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:05,473
Five.
50
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,076
Two.
51
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,716
Single, married, divorced, widowed?
Single, obviously.
52
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,832
Do you want a physical relationship?
We have to ask.
53
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:19,794
Some of our ladies couldn't blow up
a paper bag, never mind the other!
54
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,638
- Yes.
- You are?
55
00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,831
- I am.
- It's like Cracker, this!
56
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,191
- Why did you force her?! Why?!
- I DIDN'T FORCE HER!
57
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:31,516
(I didn't force her.)
58
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:38,238
OK, Iain, we'll put all this
into the computer
59
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:41,398
and, if we get a match,
we'll let you know, OK?
60
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:48,952
Olive, do you think, if you didn't
have a boyfriend, one day you...
61
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,435
No!
62
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,155
Everything all right, Mickey, love?
63
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,716
Right, Pauline.
64
00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:21,432
- Please take a seat.
- Oh, thank you.
65
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:28,030
Now, according to your file, you were
fired from the Burger Me restaurant.
66
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,800
- Is that correct?
- That is correct, yes.
67
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,878
What happened exactly?
Mickey wouldn't say.
68
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,036
I don't know, Ross.
69
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:40,199
I guess we just didn't...
cut the mustard.
70
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:44,632
Right, well, that's...
what I'll put in my report.
71
00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:46,796
Pen?
72
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:51,395
- Thank you.
- You're welcome!
73
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:55,671
You do realise what this means,
don't you, Pauline?
74
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:59,236
I do, Ross. Back on the dole,
getting up at dinnertime
75
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,749
and flicking meself off to Trisha!
76
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:04,714
No.
77
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,071
The DSS rules state that,
because you were sacked,
78
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,559
all your benefits will be suspended.
79
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:13,034
What?!
80
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,708
For a period of
not less than nine weeks.
81
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,798
Nine weeks?!
What am I supposed to do?!
82
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,798
I've washed my hair
in Fairy Liquid for a fortnight!
83
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,117
Look for other work,
look at the boards downstairs.
84
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:29,677
Oh, I'm 48, Ross! Couldn't you
just give me me old job back?
85
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:32,110
I've changed! You know I have!
86
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:35,312
I'm sorry, Pauline, it's...
out of my hands.
87
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,198
What about...the child?
88
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,710
Mickey? Well, the same goes for him,
I'm afraid.
89
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:46,993
Look, I feel sorry for you,
but...there it is.
90
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,234
Oh, actually, there is...one thing.
91
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:54,829
I could lodge an appeal
on your behalf.
92
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,157
It might not work,
but it'd slow the process down.
93
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:00,999
If you could!
Anything to give me more time!
94
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,632
OK...
95
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,796
..beg me.
96
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:09,872
What?
97
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,758
Well, come on, Pauline...
98
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,916
..Iet's see how YOU like it.
99
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,076
Beg me!
100
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:21,876
Not very nice, is it?
101
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:26,589
You might want to think about that!
102
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,476
See you later, Mickey.
103
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,833
Ahhhhhhh!
104
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:20,276
- Pauline!
- Get him off me, Mickey, love!
105
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:22,436
Help me!
106
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:27,397
- What are you doing?!
- Get him in that chair, Mickey!
107
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:32,319
- Pauline, what's happening?!
- You vicious little bastard!
108
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,478
Think you can walk into MY office
and speak to me like that?!
109
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:39,195
- It's my office!
- Not any more, Ross!
110
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:42,390
Not any more!
111
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:46,238
(HOWLING)
112
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:49,637
Quiet, David, we're trying to work!
113
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,836
Now...candles.
114
00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,996
Um...
115
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:57,274
..twelvety!
116
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,278
Good. Cans of Can't?
117
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,436
Um...
118
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,474
..twelvety!
119
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:07,194
And...precious things?
120
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,356
Um...
121
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:11,834
..twelvety!
122
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:14,554
Good. We haven't sold a thing.
123
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:20,269
Oh, Tubbs...we're getting
too old for this.
124
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,119
My eyes, they're not what they were.
125
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:27,632
Well, perhaps David could help out
on busy days like today.
126
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:31,230
No, Tubbs! This is a local shop
for local people!
127
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,876
David has spent far too much time
amongst the strangers!
128
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:38,516
His behaviour is too...peculiar.
129
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,872
Maybe.
130
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,150
But one day this shop will be his.
131
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:49,158
That's what worries me.
Our mother was lucky.
132
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:53,672
She had us to carry on the line,
but David is an only child.
133
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,835
And my insides are all wrong.
134
00:09:57,040 --> 00:10:01,636
Then the time has come
to find him a mate!
135
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:05,913
- A no-tail? But how will we get one?
- Leave it to me, Tubbs!
136
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,876
I...have a way with women.
137
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:19,069
Seen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen.
138
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,118
- Seen, seen, seen, seen, seen...
- All right, Ally?
139
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:26,551
- All right, Henry.
- Seen this? My sister got it out.
140
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,716
Richard I-I-I.
141
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:32,832
- What's it about?
- It's about two hours.
142
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:35,429
No, I mean what is the theme
of the film?
143
00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:37,756
Oh, the theme of the film is...
144
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,520
# Dum da da da-da da-daa
145
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:45,669
# Diddle-de de-de de-de de
diddle-de! De-de de-deh! #
146
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,997
- Is it an 'orror?
- No, it's a Shakespeare.
147
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,760
You devoid!
Shakespeare is a language!
148
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:57,397
That is what I thought, but it turns
out he is a director from them days.
149
00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:00,273
- It's colour, though.
- So was it any good?
150
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,836
- Yeah. There is some talking.
- Aw!
151
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:07,794
But mainly there's just loads
and loads of killings.
152
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,752
- How many?
- Loads.
153
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:14,033
Do you see 'em all? Would
Richard I-I-I win, say, Predator?
154
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:17,835
- In terms of killings, yeth.
- Right, we'll get it, then.
155
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:21,077
Ian McKellen? I thunked
he was a weather man.
156
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:22,599
He is.
157
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:24,792
(WHISTLES CHEERILY)
158
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,397
(CHUCKLES)
159
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,750
Stinks like a cacky nappy in here!
160
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,633
Hello, Mr King.
Not doing your radio show?
161
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:39,991
That's what I've come to talk
to YOU about. It's Les?
162
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,760
- Yeah.
- I was talking to some of the lads.
163
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:47,590
- You used to be in a band.
- Yeah. Creme Brulee.
164
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,791
Creme Brulee! The ones who...
165
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:53,709
- Nearly signed to Pickwick in '76.
- What was your first single?
166
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,559
- Telephone Tears.
- Telephone Tears! Never!
167
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,911
# You're always engaged, girl,
but not to me
168
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,078
# Is there room in your heart
for my last 2p?
169
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:07,239
- # The operator... #
- Listen, Les, done any DJ-ing?
170
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:09,914
Yes.
171
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,350
How would you like
to do a guest spot?
172
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:14,471
- When?!
- Tonight.
173
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:18,992
Something's come up. A benefit for
Down's syndrome. Fancy filling in?
174
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,156
Doesn't matter if you can't.
175
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:25,433
No, I'm sure I'll finish in time
for your evening slot, Mr King.
176
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:28,319
- Mike.
- Mike.
177
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,511
- Come up about ten-to.
- Righto.
178
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,278
Er, Mike.
179
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,789
Is there a...play list?
180
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:38,390
There's only 30 LPs in there!
These buggers never notice!
181
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,556
Play what you like!
182
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,756
Hilary.
183
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,996
We must stop meeting like this.
184
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,270
I don't need to go, you know.
185
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:09,040
Better get it out...for appearances.
186
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,196
Oh, right!
187
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,356
(UNZIPS)
188
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,477
Are we still on for tonight?
189
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:21,229
- That an offer, Maurice?
- The meeting, I mean!
190
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,670
Seems longer than a month
since the last.
191
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,553
I'm looking forward
to filling my freezer.
192
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,910
8.30 prompt.
193
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,076
My place.
194
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:49,993
As you can see, we have
a very generous reception area.
195
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,156
(FLICKS LIGHT SWITCH)
196
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:57,717
When you decide you wanna move in,
I get my son to put a new bulb in.
197
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,309
We've got a few more places
to see, Mr...
198
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:03,034
Call me Pop! Ah, now!
199
00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:06,038
The telephone number here
is a REAL feature!
200
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,435
It's 444 4244!
201
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,596
Is real easy to remember!
202
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:15,351
I bet, if I ask you now what is the
number, you can reel it back to me!
203
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:18,313
- Go on, what is the phone number?
- 4...
204
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:22,274
444 4244! That's right!
You see, you know it already!
205
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:27,110
- You said it was central heating.
- Right, it's central heating.
206
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,880
So, Gary, you like this room, huh?
207
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:33,038
It's fully fitted for TV, video,
satellite!
208
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,152
You can do whatever you like
in this room!
209
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:38,669
You could be making love
on the floor!
210
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:42,031
Once you sign the lease,
get on with whatever you like.
211
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,196
I can't see any radiators.
212
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:49,711
Yeah. I expect you wanna go
and see the kitchen, yeah?
213
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:53,310
A woman wanna know most -
"What is the kitchen like??"
214
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,670
That's right, isn't it, Gary?
215
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:59,429
You go and look at the kitchen
while I talk to Gary!
216
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:04,312
- Like the house?
- We've other appointments...
217
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:07,273
Is no necessary! No necessary!
218
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:11,792
You will not find a better place
than this! Not for the price!
219
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,560
- We're just looking.
- You found, so sign!
220
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:17,433
- I-I need to speak to...
- Shhhhh!
221
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:21,638
Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary.
222
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,354
What is it
you are worried about, huh?
223
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:30,314
You worried about THAT? Take some
advice from a man who knows life.
224
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,670
Women like decision.
225
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:36,156
So...I'm-a gonna give you
this pen - huh? -
226
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:40,956
and you is gonna sign this paper and
we're gonna shake hands like men!
227
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:44,038
- Like men who've done a deal!
- I can't sign...
228
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,596
In a minute, Gary, I'm gonna
lose my temper with you!
229
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:51,236
'Cause we had an agreement here,
a verbal agreement.
230
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:53,396
That is like a contract
231
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,909
and you don't break a contract,
Gary!
232
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,270
- Not without consequence!
- Well...
233
00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:01,552
What is the matter with you?
Are you a homosexual?
234
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,069
- You can't make a decision?!
- I 'm...
235
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:07,431
Then show me! Prove it to me!
236
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:11,792
Sign your name! That's who you are!
237
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:18,120
I'm proud of you, Gary!
238
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,675
Something happen here today!
239
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:25,636
Something good.
240
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,756
Congratulations, Lynne!
241
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,950
Welcome to your new home!
242
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,275
Gary, there's no heating.
243
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,590
Help, someone, please!
244
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:53,917
Oh, my dear! What has happened?
Are you all right?
245
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,873
My leg! I was just out walking!
246
00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:00,834
- Yes. Who would do such a thing?
- I don't know!
247
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:02,996
Oh, thank God you came!
248
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,198
- Tell me, my dear, are you local?
- No!
249
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,789
- AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!
- Damn!
250
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:12,836
Did the plan work, Edward?
251
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,234
Not local.
252
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,398
Oh, oh! Please help me!
253
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:36,833
- Pauline, what are you doing?
- Shut up! I'm thinking!
254
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:40,635
- Has anyone been past, Mickey, love?
- Only cars.
255
00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:43,035
Let me know if any pigs sniff round.
256
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:46,357
Right. What about dogs?
257
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,555
What do you hope to achieve
by this?
258
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,355
I want my job back, you shit!
The job you stole from me!
259
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:56,916
- Or you'll draw on my face (?)
- I'll do more than that!
260
00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:01,875
- Pauline! There's someone coming!
- Let me speak to 'em! Get down!
261
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:05,272
Hello, little boy!
262
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:09,268
Go to the police station
and give a message to Inspector Cox.
263
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,675
Cocks!
264
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:15,672
Tell him I am holding a hostage
at the Job Centre!
265
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:19,714
I will not let him go until I get
reinstated as Restart Officer!
266
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,876
Now, have you got that?
267
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,958
What's up with him? Is he simple?
268
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:29,636
You can also tell him I want
a big, massive box of pens
269
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,593
with "Pauline's Pens"
written on the side!
270
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,759
- And I want a fire engine!
- Give over! No, ignore that!
271
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,316
- You promised!
- Mickey, love, you can't even drive!
272
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,273
- I can learn!
- In a fire engine?!
273
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,472
I'd like to see you do
a three-point turn!
274
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,877
No, forget the fire engine,
just get me my job back!
275
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:52,036
- And the pens!
- And the pens!
276
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,390
- I want one!
- They won't have time!
277
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,909
- I want one now!
- Oh, for fu...!
278
00:18:57,120 --> 00:19:00,476
Change of plan. We now want
the fire engine, all right?
279
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,670
Well, go on, then! Off you go!
280
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,234
- You satisfied?
- Yeah!
281
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,516
Well, now what happens?
282
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,676
Now we wait.
283
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:21,435
- And if they won't cooperate?
- I start cutting off YOUR benefits.
284
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:30,149
Creme Brulee with Voodoo Lady
from the album Just Desserts
285
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:32,316
still available on mail order.
286
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:35,193
The address coming up
at the end of the show.
287
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:38,836
Now, we all remember
the long hot summer of '76.
288
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:42,749
Ladybird invasions,
tiger sharks off Brighton beach,
289
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:46,270
blokes in the park charging �1
for a can of Pepsi Cola!
290
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:50,439
But I wonder what Creme Brulee
were up to. Well, we were...
291
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,631
They were Dreaming Of Memphis!
292
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,718
(ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF)
293
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:05,758
(MUFFLED GUITAR RIFF)
294
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:38,193
Honestly, Simone, she'll be fine
with us! Won't you, Jade? Yeah!
295
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,119
Go to t'hospital.
You'll be all right. Tara!
296
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,880
(IN BABY VOICE) What are you doing?
297
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:49,156
Right, let's get you sat down here,
then! Shift that!
298
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:51,510
- What?
- All of it!
299
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,951
He shouldn't be doing that in here,
should he, Jade?
300
00:20:56,160 --> 00:21:00,153
- I hope she's paying you!
- This is your Uncle Charlie, Jade.
301
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,316
- Say hello, Charlie!
- Hello.
302
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,476
Speak properly!
303
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:10,077
Hello! Hello, Jade, pleased to meet
you! Sorry, I've got wet hands.
304
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:13,397
- Oh, Charlie, she's not a dog!
- Her mother is!
305
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:20,557
-Don't listen to him, Jade!
He's a silly man! Yes, a silly man!
306
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:22,910
Oh, yes, I'm a silly man, Jade!
307
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:26,351
I only work six days a week
to keep a family together!
308
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:30,951
Call it a family! It's not a family!
He couldn't care less, could he?!
309
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:32,718
Shut up!
310
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:36,230
When you grow up, don't let a man
put his winkie in you!
311
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:41,514
They've got you! It's how Charlie got
me! And that was the end of my life!
312
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:47,156
I'll just go and get your bock-bock,
Jade. And I want that lot shifted!
313
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,038
She's lying!
314
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,710
There's many reasons
why a mummy and daddy fall out!
315
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:03,879
I work my frigging arse off...
Sorry, Jade. What does SHE do?
316
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:08,312
She gambles! Fruit machines,
scratch cards! She's known for it!
317
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:11,114
Don't listen to him!
He's a big fat liar!
318
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,595
Oh, I'm lying, am I, Jade?
319
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:15,950
What are all these, then, eh?!
320
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:19,038
- Give me them!
- Stuffed behind the bread bin!
321
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,152
- They must be Julie's, Jade!
- Jade knows!
322
00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:26,148
- Honestly, they must be Julie's!
- Jade's disgusted with you!
323
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:30,273
I'm stuck in the house all day!
I have nowt to look forward to!
324
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:34,029
- Jade doesn't want your excuses!
- I hate the guts of him!
325
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:37,277
- She don't mean that, Jade!
- I can't see colours!
326
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:39,436
- Please, Jade!
- Jade, please!
327
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:41,596
(BABY CRIES)
328
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:47,070
Aww...she misses her mummy.
329
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:51,034
- Shall I go and warm her bock-bock?
- If you would, Charlie.
330
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:09,478
- Are we playing for money?
- Only way to play!
331
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:12,831
- Do the honours, young man!
- Thank you, young sir.
332
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:16,191
- What's it to be, then?
- Knock-out whist.
333
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:21,349
Knock-out whist?! I think not, Doc.
Let's have a round of Slippery Jack.
334
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:25,269
- Excellent, sir, excellent!
- I don't know how to play.
335
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:29,598
- Doc doesn't know Slippery Jack.
- You don't know Slippery Jack?
336
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,109
Let's have a round of 40-Card Drag.
337
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,788
Is that the one
that's a bit like poker?
338
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,030
Don't you know any card games, Doc?
339
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:41,232
Yes, whist, knock-out whist,
rummy, pontoon...
340
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,590
Let's play Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
341
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,873
- Fine idea, young man!
- I don't know that one either.
342
00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,878
- Everyone knows Go, Johnny!
- I don't.
343
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:54,470
You do! It's like a cross
between Hoover and 8 Men Down.
344
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,636
I haven't played those either!
345
00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:00,549
It's all right. We'll just have
to explain the rules to you.
346
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,832
- It's very simple.
- Jacks are worth 10, kings 3.
347
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,873
- One-eyed jacks are wild.
- We'll come to those.
348
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,355
Round 1, you get nine.
Round 2, seven.
349
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,630
- Twos are wild.
- We'll come to those.
350
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:14,957
- Diamonds retain their face value.
- Except the king.
351
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,799
We play in sequence
unless you match a pair
352
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:20,833
or play a card in ascending
or descending order.
353
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,952
- That's a Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
- You stand up
354
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:26,151
and shout, "Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!"
355
00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:28,316
The winner has the most tricks.
356
00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:32,991
You'll pick up the rest as we play.
Shall we say...a pound a round?
357
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:37,159
- I'm not really sure how to start.
- Just put a card on the table.
358
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,996
- Come on!
- Hurry up, Doc!
359
00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:48,237
- A three?!
- You can't lead with a three!
360
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:50,635
This is not Bamalama-Fizz-Vaj!
361
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:54,037
- Sorry!
- Start again!
362
00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:56,909
She says, "That's all covered in doings!"
363
00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:00,237
I says, "How more free range
do you want??"
364
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:02,396
(OUTSIDE DOOR OPENS)
365
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:05,831
- Oh, this'll be Maurice.
- About time!
366
00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:10,200
Maurice, we'd almost given up on you.
367
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,710
Sorry I'm late, Hilary.
Oh, the lot of a magistrate!
368
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:18,038
- The bench has to come first!
- All right, Judge Jeffreys!
369
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,151
Sit down.
370
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:25,193
Right...now we're all
finally convened.
371
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:28,756
As my special customers,
you're no doubt...
372
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:30,951
Hiya. I was just parking the car.
373
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:39,112
Right...Eunice...
an unexpected pleasure.
374
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:43,198
Sam, would you like to get
Eunice a drink?
375
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:47,916
Maurice, do you have a moment?
376
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,796
Are you out of your fucking mind?!
377
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:57,832
- What do you mean?
- How much does she know?
378
00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:01,396
- Just the basics.
- Just the basics!
379
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:06,549
- I thought she could come in on it.
- Get rid of her, Maurice!
380
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:11,914
Do you want me
to get rid of the others, too?
381
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:15,237
- What others?!
- Her brother-in-law and the kids.
382
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:19,069
They're all parked outside
in a Maxi.
383
00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:23,554
Get out, Maurice!
384
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:27,354
Is this what I think it is?
It's lovely!
385
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:30,233
- Come along, Eunice!
- We've just got here!
386
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:33,352
- I-I left the door on the latch!
- You never did?
387
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:35,516
- Anyway, I can stay.
- No! Come on!
388
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:46,434
Well?!
389
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:52,030
I think we may have to take steps.
390
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:01,791
(BOTH) Mmmmmmmm!
391
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:05,838
Very interesting, Mr Bond!
392
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:10,436
Huit.
393
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:16,834
Ace in the hole.
394
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:21,353
Tal.
395
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,190
- What?
- Come on, Doc.
396
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,870
- What?
- That's a Go, Johnny Go Go Go Go!
397
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:33,196
- Is it? Great!
- You can't touch 'em!
398
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,278
- Why not?
- Say "Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!"
399
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:39,040
- Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
- Stand up first.
400
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,231
And say "Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!"
401
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,874
- Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
- Name your pairs.
402
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:45,832
- What?
- Name your pairs!
403
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:47,996
- Pairs?
- You put down a three.
404
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:51,749
- You must have pairs!
- That's a Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
405
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:55,316
- You can't look at 'em!
- I'm supposed to remember them?
406
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:58,239
- Jacks are worth 10...
- One-eyed jacks...
407
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,000
LOOK...
408
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:04,317
..why can't we just play
something simple?
409
00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:08,591
Why do we only play things
you two know the rules of?!
410
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:13,191
It was like this when we were kids!
You put bets on bloody...Buckaroo!
411
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:19,635
Why can't we just play...
hangman or something?
412
00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,635
(BOTH) Ooooooooooooooooh!
413
00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:29,389
- All right, Doc!
- Whatever you say, Doc!
414
00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:33,434
- Hangman it is!
- Hangman. Sounds good to me.
415
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:36,313
- I'm sorry...
- It's all right. Hangman.
416
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:40,591
Canadian rules or Italian?
417
00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:44,755
Pauline, what if nobody comes?
418
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:49,112
Oh, shut up, Ross!
And stop hogging that duvet!
32977
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