All language subtitles for Pitch.Perfect.Bumper.in.Berlin.S01E05.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[espresso machine spitting]

[liquid pouring]

- * Well,
sometimes I go out by myself *

* And I look across the water *

Whoo-hoo!
- Scheisse!

- * And I think of all the
things, what you're doing *

* And in my head,
I'll paint a picture *

- Hey--ugh.

- * Oh, since
I've come on home *

* Well, my body's been a mess *

* And I miss your ginger hair
and the way you like to dress *

* Won't you come on over? *

* Stop making a fool
out of me *

* Why don't you come on over,
Heidi? *

[Amy Winehouse's "Valerie"]

* Heidi *

[upbeat music]

* Heidi *

* *

* Heidi *

* Hei-- *

[notification chimes]

[notification chimes]

- * Ba ba ba ba ba *

- Snap out of it, Bumper!

- I shower before bed so I'm
always clean when I get in it.

Therefore,
my sheets are always clean

because the body
in them is clean.

So by transitive property,
I never have to wash my sheets.

- Ah.
- I do not shower.

I trust my sexual partners
to lick me clean.

- Gross.
- That's a lot of trust.

- Hello!

A very equal hello
to all of you.

Individually, I am greeting
you all individually,

and no one more than the other.

Hello, Hodie.

I didn't realize you were
going to be here today.

- Uh, you didn't--

did you just call me Hodie?
- Did I?

- Yeah.
- You know what I think it is?

It's 'cause I think
about you so infrequently,

it wasn't, like,
on the tip of my tongue.

I sometimes forget it.
It's not Hodie?

- It's Heidi.
- OK, now it's back.

- Why wouldn't Heidi be here?

- Yeah, they were all
on the text thread.

- OK, why are we hashing
this out right now?

Let's just get down to business
'cause I, for one,

am here
for a business meeting, so...

- Well. [clears throat]
I called you here

to discuss our strategy

for the Unity Day
auditions tomorrow.

[echoing]
First things first...

- Heidi, you have
a little eyelash.

- Oh, I do?

- Do you mind if I get it?

- Yeah, sure, OK.

- Actually, no,
it's just a shadow cast

on your perfectly symmetrical--

- Bumper!
- Hmm?

- Focus up!
- Yep.

- We've been preparing
for this day for months now.

- Work mode. Focus up!

Getting focused.

You know what, I need
to feng shui this place

real quick.
- What?

- For me it's like
an energy thing

in here right now, if you guys
could just switch places?

- OK.
- Yeah.

You go over there. Thank you.
- Sit here?

- Sit right where you're at.
- Don't move Sebastian.

- To me, this works better.

That's a really good spot,
right there.

Carry on.

- OK.

Yeah?
- Yep.

- Let's go over our likely
panel of judges one more time.

Our toughest judge will be--

- OK, I know this one.

Um, uh, not my feet,
but my Hans.

- Yes, Hans Schroeder.

His incisive critique
is so sharp,

they call him
Edward Scissor-Hans.

- Scissor-Hans, that's funny.

- [gasps] Bumper!

Yogurt?
- That's not mine.

- Nein!

- Ow!
- It wasn't mine.

- For the next 24 hours,
I don't want your throat

anywhere near dairy.
Understood?

- I have to be totally honest.

I eat an ice cream sundae
every morning for breakfast.

- What?
- You know what?

I'll downgrade
to a bowl of sprinkles

if it'll help me
perform better.

- It will, and thank you.
- You have got this, Bumper.

We've been doing
everything right.

Your songs are popular.

That scrappy little video
that we made--

without Klaus's help,
thank you very much--

it's a hit, booboo.

You've got this.
You've got real fans.

- [giggles]
- And besides...

- She called me booboo.

- Other than Gisela,

this is basically
your newcomer competition--

the Oppenheimer Family Band.

- Ugh, I hate family bands.

It's cheating to start a band
with the people you invented.

- Also, they're stupid.
- Ugh.

- You've got
a great shot tomorrow, Bumper.

All you need to do is focus up.

- Yeah, no, totally ficus up.

[dreamy music]

* *

- What the [bleep]
are you doing?

- Hmm?

- * Bow bow bow bow bow *

* Bum bum bum *

* Bum bum bum *

- I cannot believe
you brought us here, Pieter.

This is the best
restaurant in Berlin.

- This is Bumper's last meal
before he's a superstar.

Food will taste different
to him after tomorrow.

- Ooh, isn't that
not my feet, but my Hans?

- Yep.

- Oh, yeah,
that is Hans Schroeder,

the Unity Day judge.
Wow.

How strange that he is
at his favorite restaurant

on his anniversary,
which I discovered

by poring
over marriage announcements

on newspaper microfiche.
What?

- You devious little minx
of a manager.

This was your plan
all along, wasn't it?

Sorry, I'm not good at winking.

- OK, I'm going to go put
in a good word for you.

You sit tight.

I'll hit you with a signal
if he wants to meet.

[clears throat]

- What--what's the signal?

We'll figure it out.

- Hans, hello.

Welcome to me, Pieter Kramer.

And please say
hello and welcome

to Bumper Allen over there.

- Hi, Hans!

- Yes, you will be hearing him
with your ears tomorrow.

- Ah, yes.

I'm seeing Bumper Allen
at last.

- What do you think?

Why don't we just
skip those auditions

and just get
this guy booked, right?

I'm kidding, of course.

Unless that is possible?

- This is the artist
formally known as Prawns.

[all laughing]
Like Prince.

- The judging committee feels--

[glass shatters]
- Oh, son of a--God dang it!

All right, we'll just--
will these sop it up?

It's not sopping it.
- I don't know.

- Miss, hi.

Can I get a T-shirt
from the gift shop?

- No.
- Interesting.

Cracker Barrel has a gift shop.

- The judging committee
feels Bumper

is not the best representative
of what Germany has to offer.

Then there's you, Pieter.

Your name is still too toxic.

Your personal failings--

how do I say this
in a kind way?

You make our genitals
shrivel up with rage

at your music crimes.

- But I'll just be
behind the scenes.

You won't even know I'm there.

I can duck in
the crowd if that helps?

- I'm sorry, but we just
can't be involved in all that.

Bumper is not going
to get an audition.

- It's all over.
This was my last chance.

- I'm sure there's something
else, some other concert.

- That makes no difference.

Try as I might, I clearly
will never outrun my shame.

- OK, guys, I think we need

to take a chillaxative,
all right?

I will catch up to Hans and
smooth this whole thing out.

- You just don't know
when to stop, do you?

I was trying to help you make
a good impression with Hans,

but you just made
us all look bad.

- You're blaming me?
- Yeah.

You're like a bumper car,
just bouncing and crashing

into everyone
without a care in the world,

treating Germany like
your private playground,

which, by the way,
is a public playground

because Germany is a wonderful
place to raise a family.

- Oh, yeah? Well, we would
have still been in there

eating fancy seafoam
if you hadn't turned

the whole industry against us
with your cheating!

- Oh, hey, hey, hey,
hey, come on now, OK?

So no Unity Day. So what?

We'll just keep working
on Bumper's career

like we have been.

Easy-peasy.
We can figure this out.

- No, we won't, Heidi.

Not every problem can be solved
by being perky and optimistic.

- Yes, they can.

- Oh, I am so tired of humoring
you two all the time!

- Pieter, hold on.

- Is that
what you have been doing

all of these years,
humoring me?

Is managing me some sort
of pity thing for you?

- Well, it definitely
wasn't because

of the money I was making.

Oh, God, I'm better off
moving to the country

and cutting off sheep testicles
like my ancestors.

I resign as a manager.

- What?
- Fine!

Then I pre-emptively
fire you as my manager.

- Thea, are you going
to say anything?

- I'm staying out of this.

I don't care.
- Oh, of course you don't.

- You never care
about anything.

- Let's just hash
this out real quick.

- I'm sorry, Bumper.

But everyone's just
out for themselves.

You could've stayed
in America for that.

You never should
have come here.

[somber music]

* *

- [singing in German]

[soft upbeat music]

- What shall we toast to?

The German law
that states freedom

is a basic human dignity?

- Whatever. Does it matter?

My friends hate me
and each other,

and all my dreams are dead.

- Oh,
dreams are what your brain does

when it's being lazy.

- [laughs]
Yeah, that's true.

- Ah.

- [gulps]
Ooh, I didn't like that.

I didn't like that.

I'll take a lemon drop.

But hold the sugared rim.

Since I no longer have to worry
about working hard

or pursuing my dreams,
I can dedicate my life

to drinking and being sad,

which is very close to my dream
of drinking and being happy.

Donk-ee.

- That reminds me of when
the wall was constructed

through the middle
of my schoolyard.

It happened so quickly
that many of my friends

were suddenly just
on the other side.

I never saw them again.

[air rushing]

- What?

I'm sorry, I didn't
hear what you just said.

But on top of losing
the chance at Unity Day

and everyone turning
on each other,

the real kicker,

even Heidi said I shouldn't
have come to Germany.

I really care for her.

If that's how she feels,
there's nothing I can do.

- Well, Bumper, only dead fish
go with the flow.

[toilet flushes]

- [coughs]

You are so wise.

You're right. This can't be it.

There has to be something
I could do.

- Oh, I was speaking
about a dire problem

regarding
the hostel's plumbing,

but I'm glad it
also applies here.

- Hans!

German Unity Day
Judge Hans Schroeder,

I know you live here,
'cause the internet told me.

I couldn't find a boombox
at this time of the night,

but luckily,
I got the greatest boombox

of all time right here,

my dang mouth.

* I'll be there for you *

* These five words
I swear to you *

[mumbling]
* I'll be here for you *

* I'll be there for you *

[dogs howling]

* Hans! *

Give me a chance, man!

I was put on this Earth
to be a song and dance man.

Hans!
[scoffs]

Uh, you think
I messed everything up?

Well, I'll show you
how I can...

[unzipping]
Mess things up.

[upbeat music]

Ah.

Draw a little
eighth note for you.

Uh-oh,
here comes the crescendo.

[siren wailing]

Oh, no.

[zips]

I'm sorry, officers.

There was a miscommunication--

I can't believe
I'm going to the slammer.

Now Martha Stewart and I
have two things in common.

I also think the secret
is in the marinade.

- The only slammer
you will be going to

is the one that slams you
with medicine and nice care--

the hospital.

- In Germany,
we take drunk people

to the hospital for
a thorough health evaluation.

We rehydrate them, hmm?

So their hangovers are not
too severe and send them home.

- Are you crazy?

I can't go to the hospital.
I don't have any money.

[both laughing]

- You silly lemon-lipped man!

The hospital is free,
of course.

- God damn, that shit's funny.
- [chortles]

- What good is amazing
free healthcare

and the humane treatment
of the drunken and disorderly

if you don't have anyone
to share it with?

[somber music]

* *

* Lay a whisper *

* On my pillow *

* Leave the winter *

* On the ground *

both:
* I wake up lonely *

* There's air of silence *

* In the bedroom, ooh *

- * And all around *

- * And all around *

- * Touch me now *
[Bumper beatboxing]

* I close my eyes *

- * And dream away *
- * Dream away *

all:
* Dream away *

- * It must have been love *

all: * Must've been love *

- * But it's over now *

all: * But it's over now *
- * It must have been good *

* But I lost it somehow *

* It must have been love *
all: * Must've been love

- * But it's over now *

* It must have been love *

[Roxette's
"It Must Have Been Love"]

* *

- I'm going to need another.

- The doctors told me
to cut you off.

- Please?

Thank you.

I know you're probably busy

and don't want to hear about
my devastating heartbreak,

both professional and personal.

But I could really use
someone to chat with.

- You have complimentary
personalized stationery

next to your bed.

Perhaps you can put
your feelings there.

- Wait, my Jell-O!

"Dear Hans,

eat my butt."

OK, and that one's done.

[crumpling paper]

"Dear Heidi.

Hey, you."

[sentimental music]

* *

You have been
so supportive of me.

And honestly, I don't know
if I deserve it.

I don't know
if I deserve any of you.

I know you said I shouldn't
have come here, but...

it is one of the best decisions
I've ever made.

I came to this strange place.

But little did I know,
I was coming home to you.

That was good.

[machine beeping]

[tapping]

[percussive rhythm]

* *

- * My way home *

* I'm on my way home *

How long have you been here?

- Your emergency contact
was a Jersey Mike's

in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

- No, that's my friend,
Jersey Mike.

- His first name is Jersey?

- Yeah.
- OK.

Well, anyway, they found me
under recent calls,

so here I am.

Um, Bumper, I'm so sorry.

I was just frustrated
and embarrassed.

You didn't deserve it.

- I'm so sorry too.

I forgot how much you do for me

and how much
you've been through.

So don't ever feel like
you let me down

because I'm the one
who let us all down.

Can you just tell Thea
and Heidi that I'm sorry?

- Tell them yourself.

- Thea and Heidi?

Oh, my God--how long
have I been here?

- [clears throat]

- Pieter texted
you were having a rough time.

- Oh, thank God.

- So here we are.

We all made up on the way.

- I promised Heidi I would care
about three things a week.

And so far, it's you
and a cool bat I saw.

- I feel honored.

- And I apologized to Heidi

for projecting my insecurities
on her.

She's been nothing but loyal,
and I blew it.

- And I apologize
for nothing

because I didn't do
anything wrong.

How's that
for being less perky?

- Ah.

- That's really good.

- Bumper, um...

I didn't mean what I said.

I was just upset.

I'm so glad you came here.

[soft sentimental music]

- I have never had friends
like you guys before.

In college,
I got my appendix taken out.

Treblemakers didn't
even send me flowers.

To be fair,
I did just dox all of them

for singing out of tune.

No future senators
in that crew.

[chuckles]

A lot of dudes,
a lot of buttholes.

A lot of butthole photos.

That wasn't my best
or my worst.

I've done some horrible things.

I'm also sorry about what
I said and did and peed.

- Well, no matter what,
we all have each other.

[machine beeping increases]

- Shall we spring you?

- Yep, grab all the
free shit you can.

[soft upbeat music]

- Hey, free coat rack.

Oh, shit! We got a leaker!

Hey, I know Unity Day's
already ruined,

but there is a silver lining.

I wrote a pretty good song.

all: You wrote a song?

- Yeah, why are
we so surprised?

[sentimental music]

- * I am turn, turning *

* Into something different
than before *

* 'Cause every turn
I'm turning *

* Takes me to your door *

* What if far and away
doesn't feel so far? *

[all applauding]

- Wow.
That was incredible, Bumper.

I mean it. None of us
thought you could do that,

never in a million years.

- Making art
from your pain, huh?

You really are a Berliner.

- It seems like
you were listening

when I taught you
how to write a song.

- Well, I had
a pretty great teacher.

- More bitter rhubarb wine,
anyone?

- Sure.
- Yes.

- Let's get drunk again.

What's the worst
that could happen?

They throw me back
in the most glamorous hospital

I've ever been in,

and then all my best friends
show up?

- So now that we don't have
any upcoming work events

to plan for,

maybe we should all just have
a good time together.

I think I'm hallucinating
due to lack of sleep.

I feel weirdly empowered
by my distorted reality.

I think I'm gonna
run for office

when all of this is over.

Uh, cheers.

- Cheers.
- Yes.

- OK, I'd vote for you.

- Oh, thanks.

[coughs]
Seriously, what is in this?

- Rhubarb, salt, and rocks.

- You know, I'm still really
bummed about Unity Day.

I feel like Berlin
has given me so much.

I just wish I could give back
in some small way.

- Well, I wish you could have
the chance to get on stage

at Unity Day to do just that.

- That's all that you need?

Don't you young people know
a stage can be anything?

I once performed
an entire production

of "Die Fledermaus"
on the back of a hearse.

- Wait, Ursula,

are you saying
all the world's a stage,

and I'm a freaking player?

[upbeat music]

Guys, I think we gotta give
Berlin a little prezzy.

* *

- Luckily for us, my apartment
building has a kickass roof.

- Here are the speakers
you requested.

My friend Heinrich
said we can borrow them.

He's owed me a favor
ever since I lent him

one of my cleverest ravens

when he had to solve
that witch's riddle.

- All right, Bumper, ready?

My--wee-wee!--fingers
are getting tired.

- OK, any advice
as my manager before I play?

- No.

But as your friend,
blow the freaking windows

out of Berlin!

Oh, and as a volunteer fireman,

please stay away from the edge.

- Nervous.

Guten tag, Berlin!

My name is Bumper Allen.

Ick liebe dick.

- Oh, no, a jumper!

- Close--a Bumper.

[electric sentimental music]

* *

* I'm walking streets
that do not know me *

* Passing signs all trying
to show me the way back home *

* The way back home *

* A strange man feeling
ever more strange *

* And still trying to find
a way back home *

* A way back home *

* I am turn, turning *

* Into something different
than before *

* 'Cause every turn
I'm turning *

* Takes me to your door *

* What if far and away
doesn't feel so far? *

* What if home's
wherever you are? *

* I'm already home
if I'm where you are *

[crowd cheering]

Thank you, Berlin!

Enjoy your morning coffee!

- Whoo!
- That was beautiful, Bumper!

I usually dislike
love songs, OK?

But I just imagined you were
singing to a spider or a bat.

- For sure.
- I knew you had it in you.

I'm going to say to you
what my own father

will never say to me.

I am so proud of you,
my son, Pieter Kramer,

and I think you are smart
enough to wear laced shoes.

- OK. Yeah.

- Uh-oh.

- That's fine. I'll go freely.

I will die for my music.

- Thank you.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Bumper Allen,
which it is.

We've been holding Unity Day
auditions next door,

and half of our acts left
to watch you.

I'm sure that wasn't
a coincidence.

- Nope, it wasn't.

I figured if the auditions
don't go to us,

we'll go to the auditions.

- Wait a second.

This is not
your apartment building?

- Oh, hell no, dog.

I just followed someone in
because it's next door

to the Unity Day offices.

We rock and rolled
and broke and entered.

- Apparently
loud in front of them.

- Yeah, oops.

- Well, it appears
Berlin loves your song.

I mean,
a lot of those people were

drunk from the night before,
- I could tell.

I was drunk when
I wrote the song.

- That's true.

- But against all odds, you've
generated genuine enthusiasm.

And you may still be
a controversial figure,

but it's clear you did
a good job with Bumper.

- Yes, he did.

He's a great manager
and a great friend.

He knows all the coolest roofs
to book me on

and tells me when I have
chocolate on my face,

which is a lot.

I eat a chocolate sundae
every morning for breakfast.

Classic style.
- He does. He shares.

Fine, we both do it.

You've converted me.

- It seems that our country
has two deserving newcomer

acts this year.

We'd like to offer you
the opportunity

to share the spot with Gisela.

For the first time,
we can have two newcomers

in the spirit of unity.

- Yes.

- In the spirit of unity.

Mwah!

I didn't know what to do.
- It works.

- I kind of freaked out.
- That's fine. Toodles.

[all screaming]

- Oh, my God!

Whoo!

[all screaming]

OK, but seriously,
now we have to go because we

did break and enter.
- Yeah, OK, yep.

- Oh, yeah.

- Can we just leave everything?

- Just throw it off the side!
- OK.

- Oh! I missed it!
All right, listen, watch this.

Oh, miss it, miss it, miss it.

[all cheering]

It only took me 15 tries.

Man, hot dogs in Germany
are so much more fun

than hot dogs in America.

I love slurping me down
some German wieners.

- I still can't believe
that my client

has secured the coveted
newcomer spot at Unity Day.

You are German
like a Grimm brother.

- Wilhelm.
- Oh, yes.

- Because I do not
mess with Jacob.

- Nasty.

- Yeah, that guy's
a psychopath.

- Killed several sheep.

- Man, I freaking love you,
dude.

- I love you as well.

That was the first time
ever doing that.

- Oh, really?
- It was terrible.

I apologize.

- We should, like,
practice it or something.

- Allow me to rehearse
in the mirror

for several hours tonight.

- You don't have to.
- OK.

- I just can't believe
we actually did it.

- I can.

I always knew you could.

[sentimental music]

- Heidi, I...

- Bumper Allen.

- Wow.

News of Unity Day
must travel fast.

More fans already.

I hope it's not nudes
because I don't have my pen.

- Bumper Allen,
you are being deported

by the German government.

- Wait, what?

[upbeat rock music]

* *

- *Scheisse! *

* *

*Scheisse! *

* *

*Scheisse! *

* *

*Scheisse! *

* *

*Scheisse! *

* *

*Scheisse! *

* *

*Scheisse! *