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1
00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:14,848
[serene music]
2
00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:16,850
[tapping]
3
00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:24,065
* *
4
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,614
- * Honey came in,
and she caught me red-handed *
5
00:00:31,656 --> 00:00:35,076
* Creepin'
with the girl next door *
6
00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:37,537
- * Picture this,
we were both butt-naked *
7
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:40,165
* Banging on
the bathroom floor *
8
00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:46,379
- * How could I forget that
I had given her an extra key? *
9
00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:50,133
- * All this time,
she was standing there *
10
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:53,094
* She never took
her eyes off me *
11
00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:55,764
* *
12
00:00:55,805 --> 00:00:57,807
* But she caught me
on the counter *
13
00:00:57,849 --> 00:00:59,100
- * It wasn't me *
14
00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:00,769
- * Saw me banging
on the sofa *
15
00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:01,853
- * It wasn't me *
16
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,772
- * I even had her
in the shower *
17
00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:05,106
- * It wasn't me *
18
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,858
- * She even caught me
on camera *
19
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,443
- * It wasn't me *
20
00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:10,195
- * She saw the marks
on my shoulder *
21
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:11,571
- * It wasn't me *
22
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:12,947
- * Hear the words
that I told her *
23
00:01:12,989 --> 00:01:14,282
- * It wasn't me *
24
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,576
- * Heard her scream
getting louder *
25
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,453
- * It wasn't me-- *
- [screams]
26
00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:24,626
[gasps]
27
00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:27,462
* *
28
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,130
[grunts]
29
00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:32,258
It was you, Bumper.
30
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:33,927
- [shudders]
31
00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:37,263
- You stole my song...
32
00:01:37,305 --> 00:01:40,141
and now you've stolen
my future.
33
00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:42,936
- Heidi.
- [grunts]
34
00:01:42,977 --> 00:01:45,063
[dramatic music]
35
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,731
- Oh, my God.
36
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,483
* *
37
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:50,777
And now my hands are feet?
38
00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:53,071
[screaming]
39
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,281
[screams, panting]
40
00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:57,367
- * Welcome *
41
00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:59,285
* In Berlin *
42
00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:01,413
* Dank--dank--dank-dank-dank *
43
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:02,956
* Danke schön *
44
00:02:02,997 --> 00:02:04,416
* Welcome *
45
00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:05,542
* In Berlin *
46
00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:08,962
* Dank--dank--dank-dank-dank *
47
00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,422
* Danke schön *
48
00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:11,881
Oh, good, you're here.
49
00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:13,425
I've been trying
to reach you all night.
50
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:16,803
I tried everything--
the phone...
51
00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:18,430
- Okay.
52
00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:21,599
- Look,
so I got here super early
53
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,560
to try to get your usual order.
54
00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:25,687
But I don't speak German,
so I just pointed at things
55
00:02:25,729 --> 00:02:29,149
until they handed me this rag
for the milk steamer.
56
00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:31,109
Is this
what you normally order?
57
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,862
Did I do good?
Can I feel better?
58
00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:34,821
- Ein latte, bitte.
59
00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,406
- Hey, you know what?
I'll pay.
60
00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:37,949
- Oh, no, no, no, that's okay.
61
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,744
I wouldn't want to take
something that belonged to you.
62
00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:44,998
- Okay, so acts of service are
not your love language--noted.
63
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,083
Look, I am so sorry.
64
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:50,754
I just--I started singing
your song, and it was so good,
65
00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:52,505
and everyone said I needed to
impress Thea in order to have
66
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:53,840
any hope of making it
to Unity Day,
67
00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,425
and it all
just happened so fast.
68
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:58,303
- You know what? It's fine.
Let's just move on, okay?
69
00:02:58,345 --> 00:02:59,554
I can write another song.
70
00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,598
If you need that one so bad,
you can have it.
71
00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:04,517
- Okay, if I just listen
to the words you're saying
72
00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:07,395
and not the tone,
it seems pretty good.
73
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:09,856
I think if you,
like, liked me again,
74
00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:11,983
that might be more fun
than being mad at me.
75
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,943
'Cause are you having fun?
'Cause I'm not having fun.
76
00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:15,403
- Oh, I'm not mad.
77
00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:17,364
I am just disappointed
in a way that makes me feel
78
00:03:17,405 --> 00:03:18,615
like I should never believe
79
00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:20,200
anyone or anything ever again.
[door opens]
80
00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:22,285
- So two big pieces of news.
81
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,703
First news, bad.
82
00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,080
The former love
of my life, Gisela,
83
00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:26,623
just tweeted out that
she's doing a big show
84
00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,249
in Friedrichshain tomorrow.
85
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:29,376
If we don't stay competitive,
86
00:03:29,417 --> 00:03:31,044
she's gonna get
that newcomer spot.
87
00:03:31,086 --> 00:03:33,755
I admit that seeing my former
lover in the flesh recently
88
00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:36,716
has stirred up some feelings
for her in my own flesh.
89
00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:40,553
Ooh, to feel her skin
on my skin would...
90
00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:43,014
well, that would
be magic indeed.
91
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,516
But that could never happen.
92
00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:46,226
"Sleeping with the Enemy"
is merely
93
00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:47,394
a 1991 Julia Roberts film,
94
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:49,813
not a documentary
about my real life.
95
00:03:49,854 --> 00:03:53,149
But, anyway, moving on
to second news, which is good.
96
00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:56,069
There is a talk show that's
had a last-minute cancellation.
97
00:03:56,111 --> 00:03:57,821
- Wait, wait, don't tell me.
- I have to tell you.
98
00:03:57,862 --> 00:03:59,656
It's the whole point
of me talking right now.
99
00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:01,533
I sent a demo
to "Sour Pickles,"
100
00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:04,285
and they want to talk with you
at the taping today.
101
00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:05,578
- Yes!
102
00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:06,788
Wait, what's "Sour Pickles"?
103
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,373
- It's an immensely
popular talk show
104
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:11,459
that breaks new musicians while
they eat very sour pickles,
105
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:13,753
and they are soaking up
the brine for your song.
106
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:16,214
- They like the song that much?
107
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,799
- The people in charge
of Unity Day
108
00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:20,427
are going to love seeing you
perform your original song
109
00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:21,469
on this popular show.
110
00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:23,596
They tend to follow the trends.
111
00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:25,432
Whew, this is such
a great opportunity
112
00:04:25,473 --> 00:04:27,600
to debut this Bumper banger.
113
00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:28,852
- Is that what
we're calling it?
114
00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:31,521
[laughs nervously]
I don't like that title.
115
00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:34,232
And you're sure
it's the song from last night?
116
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,443
- Yes, t-the one you
wrote last night.
117
00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:37,944
Thea will back you up live.
118
00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:40,280
You'll answer a few questions
while eating pickles.
119
00:04:40,321 --> 00:04:42,782
I hope you have a sour tooth.
120
00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,617
- You know...
121
00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,703
I feel the more
I think about it,
122
00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:49,164
the more I think
that that song sucks.
123
00:04:49,205 --> 00:04:52,250
Mm-hmm. I mean,
it's a good song, but it sucks.
124
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,752
- What?
The song is great.
125
00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,628
It's what got Thea on board.
126
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:58,214
We love it, and soon all
of Germany will love it.
127
00:04:58,256 --> 00:05:01,426
They'll be playing it at
every charming Christmas market
128
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,303
and completely free
day-care center
129
00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:04,721
all across this great land.
130
00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:08,058
Ah, don't second-guess
yourself.
131
00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:10,935
If this appearance goes well,
you're gonna be way ahead
132
00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:13,021
of Gisela
on the race for Unity Day.
133
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,147
And if you get nervous,
134
00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:16,649
just talk about how much
you love Germany.
135
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,361
And we'll all be there
together,
136
00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:22,906
because teamwork
makes the cream...
137
00:05:22,947 --> 00:05:24,199
"thirk."
138
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,575
Like, it "thirkens" it up?
139
00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:27,077
Is this is the phrase?
140
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:29,162
Oh, I bet it is.
141
00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:30,914
Eh, I'll Google it.
142
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,584
- So that's--
Uh...
143
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:37,462
[dramatic music]
144
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,339
[sighs]
145
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:42,092
* *
146
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:43,802
- Listen, we are about
to perform together,
147
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,011
and I want this to be good.
148
00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:46,513
So tell me
what is bothering you,
149
00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:47,931
so we can get it over with
150
00:05:47,972 --> 00:05:50,684
and never have to have
a personal conversation again.
151
00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:52,352
- It's nothing, nope.
152
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:53,687
- You clearly want to talk.
153
00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:56,314
You're like a teen boy
who just saw "Fight Club."
154
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:57,941
So out with it.
155
00:05:57,982 --> 00:05:59,359
- Okay, fine.
156
00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:01,361
Hypothetically,
I made a girl mad at me.
157
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,446
Like, I stole her...
158
00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:05,532
staircase?
159
00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:07,409
I did a bad thing, all right?
160
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:10,578
Which, fine, guilty as charged,
but then I apologized,
161
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:12,539
which is the thing
you're supposed to do,
162
00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:13,873
and she's still upset--
it's not fair.
163
00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:15,750
- An apology
doesn't guarantee forgiveness.
164
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,752
Sometimes people are just mad.
165
00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,879
I am mad every day
at the idea of spelling.
166
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:22,924
How dare words tell me
what to do, right?
167
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:24,300
Hi!
- Hello.
168
00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:25,760
- Um...
169
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:29,097
Bumper Allen and DJ Das Boot
for "Sour Pickles."
170
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:31,016
- Yeah, Miss Boot,
please go upstairs.
171
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,058
- Thank you.
172
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,060
- Every time
I messed up in the past,
173
00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,687
everyone was just like,
174
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,397
"Oh, that's just
Bumper being Bumper,"
175
00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:39,441
and they forgave me
immediately.
176
00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:41,651
I never would take
out the trash.
177
00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:43,570
Bumper being Bumper.
178
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:45,488
Put chili in the Keurig.
179
00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:47,198
That's just
Bumper being Bumper.
180
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,408
Got the lawyer wet.
181
00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:51,119
Bumper being Bumper.
182
00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:54,581
I just wish everyone liked me
so I could feel good.
183
00:06:54,622 --> 00:06:56,291
- You're clearly not
going to stop talking
184
00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:58,752
until I pretend to care.
185
00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:01,171
It seems like
you're only interested
186
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:03,965
in making yourself feel better.
- Mm-hmm.
187
00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:08,011
- For once, try thinking
about someone else's feelings.
188
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:11,222
- Wow.
Me think about someone else?
189
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,641
Okay, uh...
190
00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:16,102
the only other person
I can think of right now
191
00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,729
is Clarence Thomas?
192
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,065
I don't even remember
who that is.
193
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:22,233
- Bumper...
194
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,860
just sing.
195
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:29,366
- * One day
they'll know my name *
196
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:31,993
[pop music playing]
197
00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:35,372
* One day
they'll know my name *
198
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:37,248
* *
199
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:40,418
* One day I'm gonna make it
out this room *
200
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,213
* I don't have nothing
to lose *
201
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:47,133
* I'll be patient
'cause I know it's on the way *
202
00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:49,969
* One day
they'll know my name *
203
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:52,305
[cheers and applause]
- Wow.
204
00:07:52,347 --> 00:07:55,308
[cheers and applause continue]
205
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:57,185
- Whoo!
206
00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:59,020
Yeah!
207
00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:00,438
- Thank you.
208
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,441
[upbeat music]
209
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,360
* *
210
00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:07,904
- Well, it's a beautiful song
you've written.
211
00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:10,198
- And it really
is for everybody.
212
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:11,700
- Yes.
- Little kids,
213
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:15,286
airline gate attendants,
scuba treasure hunters--
214
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,830
everyone.
215
00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,915
- So let's now move on
to the interview.
216
00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:22,669
Bumper, you will eat
increasingly sour pickles
217
00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,713
while you answer questions.
- Okay.
218
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,007
- So please take up
your first pickle.
219
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:28,675
- [clears throat] Okay.
- Question number--
220
00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:31,845
- Before we get to munching,
I do have, um--
221
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,221
This looks delicious.
Thank you.
222
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:36,933
But, um, I do have one thing
that I'd like to say.
223
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:41,354
I didn't actually write
that song.
224
00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:43,606
All the credit goes to Heidi...
225
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:44,899
Fraren?
226
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:47,736
- Wait, Heidi wrote that song?
227
00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:49,195
You're Heidi.
228
00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:51,239
- Yeah, I just, uh--
229
00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,992
I was just messing
around with something.
230
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,494
- Well, that
is quite a revelation.
231
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,496
- You did not write this song?
232
00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,706
Pickle number two.
233
00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:01,124
- Moving on quick, okay.
234
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,709
- But your manager,
Pieter Kramer,
235
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,878
told us that you conjured it
out of thin air.
236
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:08,590
Pickle me this, did famous
liar Pieter Kramer lie again?
237
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:09,716
- Oh, no.
- No.
238
00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:10,842
- Oh, my God.
- Absolutely not.
239
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:11,926
- No.
- No, this is my fault.
240
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:15,388
See, we--
- So you misinformed Pieter,
241
00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:16,723
and he never lied?
242
00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:17,974
Pickle number three.
243
00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:21,186
- Uh, yeah, well,
I wouldn't say--
244
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,063
[chokes, shudders]
245
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:25,065
This one's got
a little pep to it.
246
00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:26,733
I wouldn't say
that he never lied.
247
00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:28,068
I mean, he lies,
248
00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:29,652
'cause he lied to get me
to move to Germany, but--
249
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:30,820
Oh, my God.
250
00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:32,530
- What is he doing?
251
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,990
- Well, you have heard it
here first.
252
00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:37,243
Disgraced mouth-musician-
turned-mouth-manager
253
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:38,870
Pieter Kramer lies again.
254
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,081
- No, no, okay, let's, let's--
255
00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:43,541
Oh, yeah, this is really sour.
256
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,126
Let's switch topics
257
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:48,963
and talk about how happy I am
here in Germany,
258
00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:51,257
'cause it's great--
the high-speed trains,
259
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:53,551
low-interest home loans
I've been told?
260
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,096
And that hottie Angela Merkel--
261
00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:58,306
whoo, wouldn't mind twerking
on that Merk.
262
00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:00,475
- Do you think
it's appropriate to say that
263
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:01,893
about our former chancellor?
264
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,604
- Chancellor?
I hardly know her.
265
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,106
[laughs]
266
00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:08,233
But I will by the end
of the day, know what I mean?
267
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:10,276
- Well, congratulations,
Bumper Allen.
268
00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:14,322
Your various gaffes mean
it is time for our segment
269
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:18,743
"You Have Gotten Yourself
in a Horrible Pickle."
270
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,453
Now say it with me.
271
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:21,579
[horn blares]
272
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,165
all: Good luck getting
273
00:10:24,207 --> 00:10:26,960
out of this one!
274
00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:30,296
[loud pop, cheers and applause]
275
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,140
[dramatic music]
276
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:43,143
- Let's just review
what happened.
277
00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:44,936
We went in
to promote your song
278
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:47,564
and show the world
how charming you are.
279
00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:50,817
We left with you admitting
it wasn't your song at all,
280
00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:52,777
which you didn't even promote
because you were all
281
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:55,113
too busy assassinating
my reputation
282
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:58,074
and objectifying Angela Merkel?
283
00:10:58,116 --> 00:11:00,076
[groans]
- Can I please have a chair?
284
00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:03,038
- No.
Chairs are for good boys.
285
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:07,083
This is gonna set you way back
with the Unity Day bookers.
286
00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:10,045
No one is gonna take you
seriously when that comes out--
287
00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:11,338
or me seriously.
288
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:13,465
- I was just trying
to do right by Heidi.
289
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:14,799
- Oh, well, you didn't,
290
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,302
because now the debut
of my first song ever
291
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,928
is a PR disaster.
292
00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:21,097
- I'm never gonna outrun
my shameful past.
293
00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:24,100
This is gonna bring us
so much bad press,
294
00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:26,811
while Gisela
just Rollerblades her way
295
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:29,773
all the way
to the newcomer spot unimpeded
296
00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,650
and, in all likelihood,
braless.
297
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,944
- You...
298
00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:38,823
you are incredibly talented.
299
00:11:39,783 --> 00:11:41,951
But I'm out.
300
00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:45,705
If anyone who is not Bumper
needs me,
301
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:48,124
I'll be at my favorite
abandoned factory.
302
00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:52,295
[train rumbling,
objects clattering]
303
00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:53,713
[door closes]
304
00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:57,884
- Maybe I should resign,
stop trying to rehab my image.
305
00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:00,303
- I'm gonna have to live
off German unemployment.
306
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:03,431
How am I supposed to survive
on 90,000 euros a year
307
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:06,059
with benefits?
- No.
308
00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:07,686
No, okay?
309
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:10,313
You can't quit.
You can't give up on me.
310
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:11,481
I will fix this.
311
00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:12,816
- Oh...kay.
- Oh, da.
312
00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:14,317
- No, shut up, listen.
Listen to me.
313
00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:15,318
I'm gonna fix this.
314
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,820
I will talk to the hosts.
315
00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:19,739
I will explain everything,
and they'll kill the episode,
316
00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:23,868
and they'll probably give me
a do-over, maybe even a medal.
317
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:26,413
I'll fix it.
I'm gonna fix it.
318
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:27,872
[door opens]
- Oh, God.
319
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,541
- [groans]
[door closes]
320
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,502
[electronic music]
321
00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:37,340
* *
322
00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:40,260
- Cool. It's like
a scary adult preschool.
323
00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:44,681
* *
324
00:12:44,723 --> 00:12:45,932
- You came.
325
00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:47,851
- I'm sorry.
Is it okay?
326
00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:49,352
I just needed
a change of scenery.
327
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,688
- This is a safe space
emotionally.
328
00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:53,356
Physically,
it's full of tetanus.
329
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:55,150
- Oh. Eh...
330
00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:56,359
- So...
331
00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:57,861
how are you feeling?
332
00:12:57,902 --> 00:12:59,487
- Uh, I don't know.
333
00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:01,114
Not good.
334
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,742
I know Bumper was just trying
to do the right thing,
335
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,952
but he messed up
my whole plan--
336
00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,537
write songs in secret
for decades,
337
00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:08,872
release one perfect album,
338
00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:10,248
and then walk away
while I'm on top
339
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,417
to become a self-righteous
animal rights activist.
340
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:15,045
- Wow.
341
00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:17,088
You got the next six years
planned out.
342
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,548
- Yeah.
- Sounds hard.
343
00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:20,050
I don't even know how
I'm gonna end this sentence.
344
00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:21,176
Basketball, milkshake, Denmark.
345
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:23,136
- I've always been this way.
346
00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:24,471
There were just
so many things
347
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,723
that I couldn't control
when I was a little kid
348
00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:29,017
moving around all the time.
349
00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,935
I am literally
allergic to chaos.
350
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,520
My head swells up
like a beach ball
351
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,272
if someone changes
a dinner reservation.
352
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,274
- That's no way to live a life.
353
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,400
- Mm.
354
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:38,735
- That changes today.
355
00:13:38,777 --> 00:13:41,237
Eccentrics, gather around.
356
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:44,908
It's time to fix an American.
[cheering]
357
00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:48,370
- Oh, have you guys
done this before?
358
00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:49,996
Stranger danger.
359
00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:52,874
- Heidi being mad at me--
worst feeling I've ever felt
360
00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:54,250
in my entire life,
361
00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:56,294
and I've had hemorrhoids before
and also now.
362
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,254
Wait, you're not still mad
at me, are you?
363
00:13:58,296 --> 00:14:00,548
Please say no.
- Well, I'm angry at--
364
00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:01,883
- The situation?
Me too.
365
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,927
This situation is so bad.
366
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,387
Me, Bumper--
I'm a good guy.
367
00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:08,056
Frankly, this situation
can hike up a volcano
368
00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:09,808
and dip the tip in lava.
369
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,685
I'm glad we're
on the same page, Pieter.
370
00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:14,104
- [sighs]
371
00:14:14,145 --> 00:14:16,106
[clears throat]
Hello.
372
00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:18,191
Um, Pieter Kramer,
Bumper Allen.
373
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,694
We're just going back up
to the "Sour Pickles" studios.
374
00:14:20,735 --> 00:14:23,613
- I'm sorry, guys,
but your appointment is over.
375
00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,198
I cannot let you up.
376
00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:29,160
- [through clenched teeth]
Okay, I'll make a distraction,
377
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,454
then you make a run
for it, okay?
378
00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:38,086
[normal voice]
Oh, my God, that man has a gun!
379
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:40,088
- [laughing]
Where would he get a gun?
380
00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:42,090
This is Germany, guys.
381
00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:45,552
- Stupid, safe,
wonderful country.
382
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:51,057
- [sighs] Okay.
Heidi...
383
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,935
give me a tattoo...
384
00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:56,646
of anything you want.
385
00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:57,981
- What?
No.
386
00:14:58,023 --> 00:14:59,983
I don't know
how to tattoo someone.
387
00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:01,901
- Guess what.
I don't care.
388
00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:04,070
Put your worst art
ever out there.
389
00:15:04,112 --> 00:15:07,449
Nothing you make is ever
going to be as bad as this,
390
00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:08,533
or as permanent.
391
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,493
- Where did you even get
this pen from?
392
00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:11,619
From the ground?
393
00:15:11,661 --> 00:15:13,204
That's where worms have sex.
394
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:17,625
- If you don't tattoo me in
ten seconds, I will tattoo you.
395
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:18,668
Ten...
- No you won't.
396
00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:19,669
- Nine...
- You're lying.
397
00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:20,670
- Eight...
- Okay, okay!
398
00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:21,713
- Se--
- Okay.
399
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,757
I will tattoo you.
400
00:15:23,798 --> 00:15:25,842
Take a seat, madam.
401
00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:27,844
Do you want me to do it
in front of all these people?
402
00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:29,512
- Yep.
- Oh, so this is where--
403
00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:31,264
where you want me to do?
404
00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:32,349
Okay.
405
00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:34,559
I will do it.
[chuckles nervously]
406
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:36,394
Mm.
407
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,937
Does that hurt?
408
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:41,649
It seems like
it doesn't hurt her at all.
409
00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,401
Oh, mm.
410
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:46,946
Oh, wow,
I am really good at this.
411
00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:49,032
I think I might have found
my calling.
412
00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:51,576
This is awesome.
Oh, my God, I did it.
413
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:54,496
I did it!
I did it, I did it, I did it!
414
00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,706
- You did!
What is it, though?
415
00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:58,041
A bowling ball?
416
00:15:58,083 --> 00:15:59,709
- It's my favorite actress--
Sandra Bullock.
417
00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:00,960
Everyone loves Sandy.
418
00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:02,545
- See?
419
00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:03,755
You weren't prepared.
420
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,632
You can't fix it.
421
00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:07,926
But you survived.
422
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,636
Though I'm not sure I will.
423
00:16:09,678 --> 00:16:11,596
I think you hit bone.
424
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:14,391
- Oh, this feels amazing.
425
00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:17,268
Normally I don't go anywhere
without an A-plus health grade
426
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:19,396
and a visible
choking-safety poster,
427
00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:22,232
but this is the beginning
of a brand-new Heidi.
428
00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:23,983
Do any of you guys want
a tattoo?
429
00:16:24,025 --> 00:16:25,568
I'm a pro now.
[all muttering]
430
00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:27,237
[cell phone chimes]
431
00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:29,114
Oh, God, it's Bumper.
- Oh.
432
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:31,199
- "Couldn't even get past
the turnstiles.
433
00:16:31,241 --> 00:16:34,160
"Gonna drink, bye.
Siri, find the closest bar.
434
00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:36,746
"Oh, shit, I'm still texting.
Siri, stop texting.
435
00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:40,041
Oh, no, this text is going
to cost me so much money."
436
00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:43,503
[sighs]
You know, my plans are screwed,
437
00:16:43,545 --> 00:16:46,172
and things are already
out of my control.
438
00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:48,508
Maybe I should just improvise.
439
00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:50,260
Yeah.
440
00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:54,014
Let's go save my song.
441
00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:55,765
And you know what?
442
00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:57,142
You know what?
443
00:16:57,183 --> 00:17:00,145
I am finally gonna get
an electric toothbrush.
444
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:02,063
What am I waiting for,
an invitation?
445
00:17:02,105 --> 00:17:03,481
[laughs]
Whoo!
446
00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:11,573
- We have an appointment.
- Of course.
447
00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:12,907
- Can you believe it?
448
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:14,576
I didn't even know
that's what I was going to say
449
00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:16,161
until seconds
before I said it--
450
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:18,079
parsnip, injection, catacomb.
451
00:17:18,121 --> 00:17:22,542
[rhythmic smacking
and clanking]
452
00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:26,546
- * And a decent whiskey
for the day *
453
00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:30,800
* When I'm gone,
when I'm gone, mm-hmm *
454
00:17:30,842 --> 00:17:34,596
* You're gonna miss me
when I'm gone *
455
00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:35,930
You'd never believe it,
456
00:17:35,972 --> 00:17:38,850
but this was, like,
a huge deal.
457
00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,935
Everyone loved it.
They lost their minds for it.
458
00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:42,771
- They loved it?
459
00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:44,522
- I don't get it either.
460
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,944
I'm sorry
I messed everything up.
461
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:53,239
- So Heidi
really wrote that song?
462
00:17:53,281 --> 00:17:55,617
Heidi?
- Yeah.
463
00:17:55,658 --> 00:17:57,786
It was...
464
00:17:57,827 --> 00:17:59,954
magic.
465
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:02,290
- She's worked for me
for seven years.
466
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:04,167
I knew she went
to music school,
467
00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:06,586
but she never told me
she could do that.
468
00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:09,214
I'm trying to be a manager.
I can't even detect
469
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,675
talent directly under my nose.
- I know.
470
00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:13,927
- My mustache
could be Oscar Isaac,
471
00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:15,303
and I wouldn't know.
472
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:18,056
Maybe I deserve to have
my career destroyed.
473
00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:19,349
- Seems harsh.
474
00:18:19,391 --> 00:18:21,643
- I guess
it's true what they say...
475
00:18:21,685 --> 00:18:24,270
you miss 100%
of the shots you take.
476
00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:31,319
When the episode comes out,
pin it all on me.
477
00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:34,197
Pin that tall tale
on this tall donkey.
478
00:18:34,239 --> 00:18:36,157
Tell them I demanded
you lie about the song.
479
00:18:36,199 --> 00:18:37,659
You can still make Unity Day.
480
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,911
You can still be a star
without me.
481
00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:41,746
- Pieter, don't talk like that.
482
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:44,207
- Oh, God,
now I can't even talk right?
483
00:18:44,249 --> 00:18:46,668
- Hey, sad boys.
Got big news.
484
00:18:46,710 --> 00:18:48,670
We talked to the hosts
of "Sour Pickles"--
485
00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:50,380
- Wait, you got
into the building? How?
486
00:18:50,422 --> 00:18:52,507
- It wasn't that hard.
- Was it a disguise?
487
00:18:52,549 --> 00:18:54,300
Or you slid
underneath the turnstiles,
488
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:57,012
then whipped out nunchucks
like turtle power?
489
00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:59,597
- Shut up.
Shut up.
490
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,933
We got "Sour Pickles"
to pull the episode.
491
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:04,227
- All we have to do is have
Pieter give an interview
492
00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:06,813
about Gisela's involvement
in the DSM scandal.
493
00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:09,691
They've heard rumors
that she was responsible,
494
00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:11,609
but they've never been able
to confirm it.
495
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,486
Pieter...
496
00:19:13,528 --> 00:19:15,655
is it true?
497
00:19:15,697 --> 00:19:16,865
- It's true.
498
00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:18,491
[electronic music]
499
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:20,785
Ultimately,
it was my fault.
500
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,662
I was the one
who pushed the button,
501
00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:26,249
but, yes, technically,
Gisela was the one
502
00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:27,959
who thought
to use the sound machine
503
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:29,544
for Das Sound Machine.
504
00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:31,254
[crowd cheering]
505
00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:35,508
However, it was I who flipped
it on and I who was caught.
506
00:19:35,550 --> 00:19:37,719
I promised I would never reveal
her involvement.
507
00:19:37,761 --> 00:19:40,722
[crying]
508
00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:42,682
We were dating
and in love at the time.
509
00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:44,809
- [shouting in German]
510
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,019
- I did it!
511
00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:48,605
* *
512
00:19:48,646 --> 00:19:51,566
She left me immediately
after the news broke.
513
00:19:51,608 --> 00:19:57,030
* *
514
00:19:57,072 --> 00:19:59,741
And then my heart broke.
515
00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:01,493
- Oh.
516
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,245
- Pieter, I had no idea.
Why didn't you tell us?
517
00:20:04,287 --> 00:20:05,413
- My sense of honor
518
00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:07,749
always outweighed
my desire for revenge,
519
00:20:07,791 --> 00:20:10,418
and also, I maybe still have
stupid feelings for her,
520
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:12,587
which I deal with by doing
1,000 push-ups every day.
521
00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:14,547
- Oh, my God,
you still love her.
522
00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:17,801
- Yes, I know it's shameful,
but I find her so irresistible.
523
00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,053
It's the part of me
I like the least,
524
00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:21,596
and I have seven nipples,
525
00:20:21,638 --> 00:20:23,598
and they are not
where you think they are.
526
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,100
- Okay.
527
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:26,685
So let me get this straight.
528
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,103
If you do this,
529
00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:30,397
my disaster interview
goes away,
530
00:20:30,438 --> 00:20:33,483
and you throw dirt on
our main rival for Unity Day,
531
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:36,569
and the story makes you seem
more sympathetic,
532
00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:40,490
and it helps repair
your reputation,
533
00:20:40,532 --> 00:20:43,535
and it gets you
over your toxic ex?
534
00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:45,787
Guys?
535
00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:47,789
Okay, I'll be the one
to say it.
536
00:20:47,831 --> 00:20:49,290
This certainly feels
537
00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:51,918
like a "kill a bunch of birds
with one stone" situ-aish.
538
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:55,797
* We making down pillows
tonight, boys *
539
00:20:55,839 --> 00:20:57,048
And girls.
540
00:20:57,090 --> 00:21:00,051
- Never do that again.
But maybe he's right.
541
00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:02,637
Gisela deserves everything
that's coming to her.
542
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:07,350
Gut her, Pieter.
End it once and for all.
543
00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:09,310
- This is
the right thing to do.
544
00:21:09,352 --> 00:21:11,271
Gisela's your competition.
545
00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:13,106
[sighs] She's also bad,
546
00:21:13,148 --> 00:21:14,816
even if she also
makes me horny
547
00:21:14,858 --> 00:21:16,526
and the thought of hurting her
makes me feel
548
00:21:16,568 --> 00:21:19,154
like I'm wearing someone else's
wet bathing suit.
549
00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:23,324
Oh, why must I still pine
for her sweet sherbet kisses?
550
00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:25,160
What a cruel reality of life
551
00:21:25,201 --> 00:21:27,620
that we can't choose
for whom we ooze.
552
00:21:27,662 --> 00:21:31,207
[sighs] I'm just glad I can do
something to help you, Bumper.
553
00:21:31,249 --> 00:21:32,792
- Oh, God.
554
00:21:34,836 --> 00:21:36,838
You can't do this.
555
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,423
- What do you mean?
556
00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:39,883
- It's not right.
557
00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:42,010
I mean, sure,
it would get me off the hook,
558
00:21:42,052 --> 00:21:43,887
but that's not your job--
559
00:21:43,928 --> 00:21:46,848
certainly not at the expense
of your heart.
560
00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:48,266
No.
561
00:21:48,308 --> 00:21:50,852
It's my job.
562
00:21:50,894 --> 00:21:52,354
I mean, you got me here.
563
00:21:52,395 --> 00:21:55,690
You set me on the path
to Unity Day.
564
00:21:55,732 --> 00:21:57,901
[sighs]
I have to right this ship.
565
00:21:57,942 --> 00:22:00,445
[sucks teeth]
I mean, it's my dream.
566
00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:03,114
I have to start taking
responsibility for my actions.
567
00:22:03,156 --> 00:22:04,908
- Then what are
you going to do?
568
00:22:04,949 --> 00:22:06,868
- [sighs] I think
I have to do something
569
00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:09,037
I haven't done
in a very long time.
570
00:22:09,079 --> 00:22:11,373
- What's that?
571
00:22:11,414 --> 00:22:14,292
- Try to think of something.
572
00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:15,877
- Yeah.
573
00:22:15,919 --> 00:22:19,422
[dramatic music]
574
00:22:19,464 --> 00:22:21,883
- I told my friends
I'd fix this, but...
575
00:22:21,925 --> 00:22:23,802
I have no idea how.
576
00:22:23,843 --> 00:22:26,680
- It's like my coach from
the East German Olympics team
577
00:22:26,721 --> 00:22:28,348
used to say--
don't do the high jump
578
00:22:28,390 --> 00:22:31,059
if you've taken
the steroids for shot put.
579
00:22:31,101 --> 00:22:33,520
Play to your strengths.
580
00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:36,106
- [chuckles] Yeah.
581
00:22:36,147 --> 00:22:39,317
Well, the only thing
I'm good at is ruining things.
582
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:43,071
* *
583
00:22:43,113 --> 00:22:44,197
Wait a minute.
584
00:22:44,239 --> 00:22:45,490
- No.
585
00:22:45,532 --> 00:22:49,160
* *
586
00:22:49,202 --> 00:22:51,413
- [chuckles]
587
00:22:51,454 --> 00:22:55,834
* *
588
00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:57,377
- Bumper.
589
00:22:59,421 --> 00:23:01,548
- Tell me you didn't call
an emergency team meeting
590
00:23:01,589 --> 00:23:02,924
to get matching jackets.
591
00:23:02,966 --> 00:23:04,926
- No, but we should put
a pin in that,
592
00:23:04,968 --> 00:23:07,512
because that is
a very, very good idea.
593
00:23:07,554 --> 00:23:11,182
Okay, so you know how
I always mess everything up?
594
00:23:11,224 --> 00:23:12,225
- Yes.
- Oh, yes.
595
00:23:12,267 --> 00:23:13,393
- Big-time.
596
00:23:13,435 --> 00:23:17,439
- Okay, well,
what if this time,
597
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,734
I mess something up
on purpose...
598
00:23:20,775 --> 00:23:22,610
to help us?
599
00:23:22,652 --> 00:23:25,280
Would you guys trust me
to do that?
600
00:23:25,321 --> 00:23:27,282
- Yeah, actually.
- Actually, yes.
601
00:23:27,323 --> 00:23:28,658
- Thank you.
602
00:23:28,700 --> 00:23:30,952
Because what I have in store
is gonna make
603
00:23:30,994 --> 00:23:35,081
"Sour Pickles"
look like small p--
604
00:23:35,123 --> 00:23:37,167
pickles.
605
00:23:37,208 --> 00:23:39,294
[distant cheering]
- Yeah.
606
00:23:39,336 --> 00:23:40,754
- Here we go.
607
00:23:40,795 --> 00:23:45,300
[crowd cheering]
608
00:23:45,342 --> 00:23:48,261
- Hello, my little Gise-lads
609
00:23:48,303 --> 00:23:51,514
and Gise-lasses!
610
00:23:51,556 --> 00:23:55,769
- And what's up,
all my Bumper Gump shrimps?
611
00:23:55,810 --> 00:23:58,480
- Yes!
Bumper Gump shrimps!
612
00:23:58,521 --> 00:24:00,315
Bumper Gump shrimps!
- Gump shrimps!
613
00:24:00,357 --> 00:24:03,443
- Bumper Gump shrimps--
shrimps...
614
00:24:03,485 --> 00:24:04,903
- [through clenched teeth]
What the hell
615
00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:06,696
do you think you're doing,
you silly little kinder man?
616
00:24:06,738 --> 00:24:08,907
Are you perhaps lost
on your way
617
00:24:08,948 --> 00:24:12,202
to one of Berlin's many
world-famous chocolate shops
618
00:24:12,243 --> 00:24:13,787
or museums?
[laughs]
619
00:24:13,828 --> 00:24:15,580
- No, I was just thinking,
620
00:24:15,622 --> 00:24:18,458
what if we turn
this little concert
621
00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:21,044
into a little riff-off?
622
00:24:21,086 --> 00:24:22,754
[crowd cheering]
623
00:24:22,796 --> 00:24:26,007
- Of course you are challenging
me to a whiff-off.
624
00:24:26,049 --> 00:24:28,760
You Americans, you are
obsessed with your whiff-offs.
625
00:24:28,802 --> 00:24:30,762
- Whiff-off?
- Yeah, a whiff-off.
626
00:24:30,804 --> 00:24:32,597
- It's a riff-off.
- Whiff-off.
627
00:24:32,639 --> 00:24:34,516
- Riff-off.
- You said whiff-off.
628
00:24:34,557 --> 00:24:36,101
I said whiff-off.
- Okay.
629
00:24:36,142 --> 00:24:39,771
- And I would love to be a part
of the whiff-off,
630
00:24:39,813 --> 00:24:42,065
but, unfortunately,
the a cappella bylaws
631
00:24:42,107 --> 00:24:44,317
clearly say a "quowum"
of a cappella peers
632
00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:45,568
must be "pwesent"
633
00:24:45,610 --> 00:24:47,487
for a whiff-off
to be legally binding.
634
00:24:47,529 --> 00:24:49,239
So it's sad, yeah.
635
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,658
- It's actually not sad, nein.
636
00:24:51,700 --> 00:24:53,118
It's not sad at all,
637
00:24:53,159 --> 00:24:57,580
because if you were to reread
page 45, paragraph 7,
638
00:24:57,622 --> 00:24:59,040
it clearly states,
639
00:24:59,082 --> 00:25:02,085
"In the case
of an international riff-off
640
00:25:02,127 --> 00:25:05,755
"within 100 kilometers
of a fordable river,
641
00:25:05,797 --> 00:25:08,466
the quorum can be waived"!
642
00:25:08,508 --> 00:25:10,135
[cheers and applause]
643
00:25:10,176 --> 00:25:13,430
- All right, then,
what are the stakes?
644
00:25:13,471 --> 00:25:15,223
- If I win,
645
00:25:15,265 --> 00:25:16,891
I get to say whatever I want
646
00:25:16,933 --> 00:25:19,227
to all of your followers
on your livestream.
647
00:25:19,269 --> 00:25:21,396
all: Ooh!
648
00:25:21,438 --> 00:25:24,566
- Okay, and, uh, when I win?
649
00:25:24,607 --> 00:25:27,694
- If you win, I will...
650
00:25:27,736 --> 00:25:29,320
go back to America...
651
00:25:29,362 --> 00:25:32,073
all: Ooh!
[cheers and applause]
652
00:25:32,115 --> 00:25:33,491
Today.
653
00:25:35,493 --> 00:25:38,580
- All right, then,
I agree to your terms.
654
00:25:38,621 --> 00:25:42,250
But we are on my home turf,
655
00:25:42,292 --> 00:25:45,545
so the theme is Germany.
656
00:25:45,587 --> 00:25:48,340
You will sing German songs,
657
00:25:48,381 --> 00:25:52,761
and I will sing American songs.
658
00:25:52,802 --> 00:25:54,804
[laughs]
659
00:25:54,846 --> 00:25:56,890
[cheers and applause]
660
00:25:56,931 --> 00:25:59,225
- You're about to go down.
661
00:25:59,267 --> 00:26:01,936
* Here I am *
662
00:26:01,978 --> 00:26:05,231
* Rock you like a hurricane *
663
00:26:05,273 --> 00:26:07,067
* Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on! *
664
00:26:07,108 --> 00:26:09,319
- [beatboxing]
- * Here I am *
665
00:26:09,361 --> 00:26:10,528
* Rock you like a-- *
666
00:26:10,570 --> 00:26:11,946
- * But I have to charge *
667
00:26:11,988 --> 00:26:14,199
* My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard *
668
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,159
* And they're like,
it's better than yours *
669
00:26:16,201 --> 00:26:18,203
* Damn right,
it's better than yours *
670
00:26:18,244 --> 00:26:19,913
* I can teach you *
[singers vocalizing]
671
00:26:19,954 --> 00:26:22,415
* I know you want it *
672
00:26:22,457 --> 00:26:24,459
* The things that makes me-- *
673
00:26:24,501 --> 00:26:25,960
- [hisses]
674
00:26:26,002 --> 00:26:28,922
- * Du hast, du hast mich *
- [beatboxes]
675
00:26:28,963 --> 00:26:31,758
- * Nyah, nyah, nyah *
676
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,426
- * Do what I wanna do *
677
00:26:33,468 --> 00:26:35,345
singers:
* It's my prerogative *
678
00:26:35,387 --> 00:26:37,472
- * Oh, no, no *
[all beatboxing]
679
00:26:37,514 --> 00:26:39,641
* Don't ask me questions *
680
00:26:39,683 --> 00:26:42,102
* Why am I so real? *
681
00:26:42,143 --> 00:26:43,728
* But they don't understand-- *
682
00:26:43,770 --> 00:26:45,980
- * No one understands
what Major Tom sees *
683
00:26:46,022 --> 00:26:47,399
* Now the light commands *
684
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:48,942
- You're supposed
to be helping me.
685
00:26:48,983 --> 00:26:51,069
* I'm coming home *
- * Four, three, two, one *
686
00:26:51,111 --> 00:26:54,239
* Yeah! *
- * Earth below us *
687
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,491
* Drifting, falling *
688
00:26:56,533 --> 00:26:58,660
- You're supposed to be doing
my song.
689
00:26:58,702 --> 00:27:00,662
- * Floating weightless *
- Oh!
690
00:27:00,704 --> 00:27:02,372
- * Calling, calling-- *
691
00:27:02,414 --> 00:27:05,250
- * We could be homeless,
we could be broke *
692
00:27:05,291 --> 00:27:09,004
* As long as you love me,
I'll be your platinum *
693
00:27:09,045 --> 00:27:12,424
* I'll be your silver,
I'll be your gold *
694
00:27:12,465 --> 00:27:13,925
* As long as you love-- *
695
00:27:13,967 --> 00:27:17,721
- * No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no *
696
00:27:17,762 --> 00:27:20,181
both: * No, no *
697
00:27:20,223 --> 00:27:22,100
- Oh, Gisela.
698
00:27:22,142 --> 00:27:23,268
Ooh, you lose.
699
00:27:23,309 --> 00:27:24,561
- What do you mean?
700
00:27:24,602 --> 00:27:26,604
- You see, Justin Bieber...
701
00:27:26,646 --> 00:27:27,981
is Canadian!
702
00:27:28,023 --> 00:27:28,982
all: Ooh.
703
00:27:29,024 --> 00:27:30,442
- Those were your rules, so--
704
00:27:30,483 --> 00:27:34,946
- But he lives in America,
and he loves money and fame,
705
00:27:34,988 --> 00:27:37,073
and he peed in the bucket.
706
00:27:37,115 --> 00:27:41,494
- And yet his blood runs maple.
707
00:27:41,536 --> 00:27:43,413
[Canadian accent]
Sorry "aboot" it.
708
00:27:43,455 --> 00:27:44,956
[laughs]
Where's the livestream?
709
00:27:44,998 --> 00:27:46,166
Hey!
710
00:27:46,207 --> 00:27:48,335
What's up?
I'm Bumper Allen!
711
00:27:48,376 --> 00:27:51,212
Check out my new song,
written by my girl
712
00:27:51,254 --> 00:27:53,506
Heidi Miller!
713
00:27:53,548 --> 00:27:56,593
[cheers and applause]
714
00:27:56,634 --> 00:28:01,056
You are so lucky you have
an ex who is looking after you.
715
00:28:01,097 --> 00:28:03,683
Your career almost ended today.
716
00:28:03,725 --> 00:28:06,144
I know about the thing.
717
00:28:06,186 --> 00:28:08,396
- The bathroom looked like that
before I went in there,
718
00:28:08,438 --> 00:28:10,023
I swear.
719
00:28:10,065 --> 00:28:12,776
- I'm talking
about the DSM thing.
720
00:28:12,817 --> 00:28:16,988
Your thing sounds gross.
721
00:28:17,030 --> 00:28:18,365
I won!
722
00:28:18,406 --> 00:28:21,534
[cheers and applause]
723
00:28:21,576 --> 00:28:23,578
[upbeat music]
724
00:28:23,620 --> 00:28:25,497
- Off.
- Thank you.
725
00:28:25,538 --> 00:28:26,664
Thank you.
726
00:28:26,706 --> 00:28:33,672
* *
727
00:28:40,095 --> 00:28:43,640
[music playing softly,
indistinct chatter]
728
00:28:43,682 --> 00:28:45,266
- Pieter just heard
that "Sour Pickles"
729
00:28:45,308 --> 00:28:47,435
pulled your interview
since you scooped them
730
00:28:47,477 --> 00:28:48,770
on releasing your song.
731
00:28:48,812 --> 00:28:50,980
- Just to say it,
I would love to work with you
732
00:28:51,022 --> 00:28:52,315
whenever you're ready.
733
00:28:52,357 --> 00:28:53,942
We are the most talented
here, anyway.
734
00:28:53,983 --> 00:28:56,986
- You know it. [chuckles]
- [grunts]
735
00:28:57,028 --> 00:29:00,073
[groans] Sorry, my tattoo's
a little tender.
736
00:29:00,115 --> 00:29:00,949
- Sorry.
737
00:29:00,990 --> 00:29:03,243
- Team, great work today.
738
00:29:03,284 --> 00:29:05,912
And seeing Gisela
glistening up there onstage
739
00:29:05,954 --> 00:29:09,499
inspired me to make
a resolution of the heart.
740
00:29:09,541 --> 00:29:11,126
I deserve better
than to be in love
741
00:29:11,167 --> 00:29:13,128
with the very woman
who destroyed me.
742
00:29:13,169 --> 00:29:15,547
I will try to have
the self-respect of a man
743
00:29:15,588 --> 00:29:17,590
with way fewer nipples.
744
00:29:17,632 --> 00:29:19,259
From here on out,
745
00:29:19,300 --> 00:29:21,886
I will no longer be
under the spell of Gisela.
746
00:29:21,928 --> 00:29:25,640
From now on,
my heart belongs to you all.
747
00:29:25,682 --> 00:29:27,225
- Turtle power.
748
00:29:27,267 --> 00:29:29,477
- Turtle power.
- Turtle power.
749
00:29:29,519 --> 00:29:31,062
- Whoo!
750
00:29:37,318 --> 00:29:38,445
- Hello, Pieter.
751
00:29:40,238 --> 00:29:41,948
- Gisela.
752
00:29:41,990 --> 00:29:44,784
- I heard you saved
my hide today,
753
00:29:44,826 --> 00:29:48,621
and so I thought
you might as well feel it.
754
00:29:48,663 --> 00:29:51,624
[intriguing music]
755
00:29:51,666 --> 00:29:57,213
* *
50396
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