All language subtitles for Pitch.Perfect.Bumper.in.Berlin.S01E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[serene music]

[tapping]

* *

- * Honey came in,
and she caught me red-handed *

* Creepin'
with the girl next door *

- * Picture this,
we were both butt-naked *

* Banging on
the bathroom floor *

- * How could I forget that
I had given her an extra key? *

- * All this time,
she was standing there *

* She never took
her eyes off me *

* *

* But she caught me
on the counter *

- * It wasn't me *

- * Saw me banging
on the sofa *

- * It wasn't me *

- * I even had her
in the shower *

- * It wasn't me *

- * She even caught me
on camera *

- * It wasn't me *

- * She saw the marks
on my shoulder *

- * It wasn't me *

- * Hear the words
that I told her *

- * It wasn't me *

- * Heard her scream
getting louder *

- * It wasn't me-- *
- [screams]

[gasps]

* *

[grunts]

It was you, Bumper.

- [shudders]

- You stole my song...

and now you've stolen
my future.

- Heidi.
- [grunts]

[dramatic music]

- Oh, my God.

* *

And now my hands are feet?

[screaming]

[screams, panting]

- * Welcome *

* In Berlin *

* Dank--dank--dank-dank-dank *

* Danke schön *

* Welcome *

* In Berlin *

* Dank--dank--dank-dank-dank *

* Danke schön *

Oh, good, you're here.

I've been trying
to reach you all night.

I tried everything--
the phone...

- Okay.

- Look,
so I got here super early

to try to get your usual order.

But I don't speak German,
so I just pointed at things

until they handed me this rag
for the milk steamer.

Is this
what you normally order?

Did I do good?
Can I feel better?

- Ein latte, bitte.

- Hey, you know what?
I'll pay.

- Oh, no, no, no, that's okay.

I wouldn't want to take
something that belonged to you.

- Okay, so acts of service are
not your love language--noted.

Look, I am so sorry.

I just--I started singing
your song, and it was so good,

and everyone said I needed to
impress Thea in order to have

any hope of making it
to Unity Day,

and it all
just happened so fast.

- You know what? It's fine.
Let's just move on, okay?

I can write another song.

If you need that one so bad,
you can have it.

- Okay, if I just listen
to the words you're saying

and not the tone,
it seems pretty good.

I think if you,
like, liked me again,

that might be more fun
than being mad at me.

'Cause are you having fun?
'Cause I'm not having fun.

- Oh, I'm not mad.

I am just disappointed
in a way that makes me feel

like I should never believe

anyone or anything ever again.
[door opens]

- So two big pieces of news.

First news, bad.

The former love
of my life, Gisela,

just tweeted out that
she's doing a big show

in Friedrichshain tomorrow.

If we don't stay competitive,

she's gonna get
that newcomer spot.

I admit that seeing my former
lover in the flesh recently

has stirred up some feelings
for her in my own flesh.

Ooh, to feel her skin
on my skin would...

well, that would
be magic indeed.

But that could never happen.

"Sleeping with the Enemy"
is merely

a 1991 Julia Roberts film,

not a documentary
about my real life.

But, anyway, moving on
to second news, which is good.

There is a talk show that's
had a last-minute cancellation.

- Wait, wait, don't tell me.
- I have to tell you.

It's the whole point
of me talking right now.

I sent a demo
to "Sour Pickles,"

and they want to talk with you
at the taping today.

- Yes!

Wait, what's "Sour Pickles"?

- It's an immensely
popular talk show

that breaks new musicians while
they eat very sour pickles,

and they are soaking up
the brine for your song.

- They like the song that much?

- The people in charge
of Unity Day

are going to love seeing you
perform your original song

on this popular show.

They tend to follow the trends.

Whew, this is such
a great opportunity

to debut this Bumper banger.

- Is that what
we're calling it?

[laughs nervously]
I don't like that title.

And you're sure
it's the song from last night?

- Yes, t-the one you
wrote last night.

Thea will back you up live.

You'll answer a few questions
while eating pickles.

I hope you have a sour tooth.

- You know...

I feel the more
I think about it,

the more I think
that that song sucks.

Mm-hmm. I mean,
it's a good song, but it sucks.

- What?
The song is great.

It's what got Thea on board.

We love it, and soon all
of Germany will love it.

They'll be playing it at
every charming Christmas market

and completely free
day-care center

all across this great land.

Ah, don't second-guess
yourself.

If this appearance goes well,
you're gonna be way ahead

of Gisela
on the race for Unity Day.

And if you get nervous,

just talk about how much
you love Germany.

And we'll all be there
together,

because teamwork
makes the cream...

"thirk."

Like, it "thirkens" it up?

Is this is the phrase?

Oh, I bet it is.

Eh, I'll Google it.

- So that's--
Uh...

[dramatic music]

[sighs]

* *

- Listen, we are about
to perform together,

and I want this to be good.

So tell me
what is bothering you,

so we can get it over with

and never have to have
a personal conversation again.

- It's nothing, nope.

- You clearly want to talk.

You're like a teen boy
who just saw "Fight Club."

So out with it.

- Okay, fine.

Hypothetically,
I made a girl mad at me.

Like, I stole her...

staircase?

I did a bad thing, all right?

Which, fine, guilty as charged,
but then I apologized,

which is the thing
you're supposed to do,

and she's still upset--
it's not fair.

- An apology
doesn't guarantee forgiveness.

Sometimes people are just mad.

I am mad every day
at the idea of spelling.

How dare words tell me
what to do, right?

Hi!
- Hello.

- Um...

Bumper Allen and DJ Das Boot
for "Sour Pickles."

- Yeah, Miss Boot,
please go upstairs.

- Thank you.

- Every time
I messed up in the past,

everyone was just like,

"Oh, that's just
Bumper being Bumper,"

and they forgave me
immediately.

I never would take
out the trash.

Bumper being Bumper.

Put chili in the Keurig.

That's just
Bumper being Bumper.

Got the lawyer wet.

Bumper being Bumper.

I just wish everyone liked me
so I could feel good.

- You're clearly not
going to stop talking

until I pretend to care.

It seems like
you're only interested

in making yourself feel better.
- Mm-hmm.

- For once, try thinking
about someone else's feelings.

- Wow.
Me think about someone else?

Okay, uh...

the only other person
I can think of right now

is Clarence Thomas?

I don't even remember
who that is.

- Bumper...

just sing.

- * One day
they'll know my name *

[pop music playing]

* One day
they'll know my name *

* *

* One day I'm gonna make it
out this room *

* I don't have nothing
to lose *

* I'll be patient
'cause I know it's on the way *

* One day
they'll know my name *

[cheers and applause]
- Wow.

[cheers and applause continue]

- Whoo!

Yeah!

- Thank you.

[upbeat music]

* *

- Well, it's a beautiful song
you've written.

- And it really
is for everybody.

- Yes.
- Little kids,

airline gate attendants,
scuba treasure hunters--

everyone.

- So let's now move on
to the interview.

Bumper, you will eat
increasingly sour pickles

while you answer questions.
- Okay.

- So please take up
your first pickle.

- [clears throat] Okay.
- Question number--

- Before we get to munching,
I do have, um--

This looks delicious.
Thank you.

But, um, I do have one thing
that I'd like to say.

I didn't actually write
that song.

All the credit goes to Heidi...

Fraren?

- Wait, Heidi wrote that song?

You're Heidi.

- Yeah, I just, uh--

I was just messing
around with something.

- Well, that
is quite a revelation.

- You did not write this song?

Pickle number two.

- Moving on quick, okay.

- But your manager,
Pieter Kramer,

told us that you conjured it
out of thin air.

Pickle me this, did famous
liar Pieter Kramer lie again?

- Oh, no.
- No.

- Oh, my God.
- Absolutely not.

- No.
- No, this is my fault.

See, we--
- So you misinformed Pieter,

and he never lied?

Pickle number three.

- Uh, yeah, well,
I wouldn't say--

[chokes, shudders]

This one's got
a little pep to it.

I wouldn't say
that he never lied.

I mean, he lies,

'cause he lied to get me
to move to Germany, but--

Oh, my God.

- What is he doing?

- Well, you have heard it
here first.

Disgraced mouth-musician-
turned-mouth-manager

Pieter Kramer lies again.

- No, no, okay, let's, let's--

Oh, yeah, this is really sour.

Let's switch topics

and talk about how happy I am
here in Germany,

'cause it's great--
the high-speed trains,

low-interest home loans
I've been told?

And that hottie Angela Merkel--

whoo, wouldn't mind twerking
on that Merk.

- Do you think
it's appropriate to say that

about our former chancellor?

- Chancellor?
I hardly know her.

[laughs]

But I will by the end
of the day, know what I mean?

- Well, congratulations,
Bumper Allen.

Your various gaffes mean
it is time for our segment

"You Have Gotten Yourself
in a Horrible Pickle."

Now say it with me.

[horn blares]

all: Good luck getting

out of this one!

[loud pop, cheers and applause]

[dramatic music]

- Let's just review
what happened.

We went in
to promote your song

and show the world
how charming you are.

We left with you admitting
it wasn't your song at all,

which you didn't even promote
because you were all

too busy assassinating
my reputation

and objectifying Angela Merkel?

[groans]
- Can I please have a chair?

- No.
Chairs are for good boys.

This is gonna set you way back
with the Unity Day bookers.

No one is gonna take you
seriously when that comes out--

or me seriously.

- I was just trying
to do right by Heidi.

- Oh, well, you didn't,

because now the debut
of my first song ever

is a PR disaster.

- I'm never gonna outrun
my shameful past.

This is gonna bring us
so much bad press,

while Gisela
just Rollerblades her way

all the way
to the newcomer spot unimpeded

and, in all likelihood,
braless.

- You...

you are incredibly talented.

But I'm out.

If anyone who is not Bumper
needs me,

I'll be at my favorite
abandoned factory.

[train rumbling,
objects clattering]

[door closes]

- Maybe I should resign,
stop trying to rehab my image.

- I'm gonna have to live
off German unemployment.

How am I supposed to survive
on 90,000 euros a year

with benefits?
- No.

No, okay?

You can't quit.
You can't give up on me.

I will fix this.

- Oh...kay.
- Oh, da.

- No, shut up, listen.
Listen to me.

I'm gonna fix this.

I will talk to the hosts.

I will explain everything,
and they'll kill the episode,

and they'll probably give me
a do-over, maybe even a medal.

I'll fix it.
I'm gonna fix it.

[door opens]
- Oh, God.

- [groans]
[door closes]

[electronic music]

* *

- Cool. It's like
a scary adult preschool.

* *

- You came.

- I'm sorry.
Is it okay?

I just needed
a change of scenery.

- This is a safe space
emotionally.

Physically,
it's full of tetanus.

- Oh. Eh...

- So...

how are you feeling?

- Uh, I don't know.

Not good.

I know Bumper was just trying
to do the right thing,

but he messed up
my whole plan--

write songs in secret
for decades,

release one perfect album,

and then walk away
while I'm on top

to become a self-righteous
animal rights activist.

- Wow.

You got the next six years
planned out.

- Yeah.
- Sounds hard.

I don't even know how
I'm gonna end this sentence.

Basketball, milkshake, Denmark.

- I've always been this way.

There were just
so many things

that I couldn't control
when I was a little kid

moving around all the time.

I am literally
allergic to chaos.

My head swells up
like a beach ball

if someone changes
a dinner reservation.

- That's no way to live a life.

- Mm.

- That changes today.

Eccentrics, gather around.

It's time to fix an American.
[cheering]

- Oh, have you guys
done this before?

Stranger danger.

- Heidi being mad at me--
worst feeling I've ever felt

in my entire life,

and I've had hemorrhoids before
and also now.

Wait, you're not still mad
at me, are you?

Please say no.
- Well, I'm angry at--

- The situation?
Me too.

This situation is so bad.

Me, Bumper--
I'm a good guy.

Frankly, this situation
can hike up a volcano

and dip the tip in lava.

I'm glad we're
on the same page, Pieter.

- [sighs]

[clears throat]
Hello.

Um, Pieter Kramer,
Bumper Allen.

We're just going back up
to the "Sour Pickles" studios.

- I'm sorry, guys,
but your appointment is over.

I cannot let you up.

- [through clenched teeth]
Okay, I'll make a distraction,

then you make a run
for it, okay?

[normal voice]
Oh, my God, that man has a gun!

- [laughing]
Where would he get a gun?

This is Germany, guys.

- Stupid, safe,
wonderful country.

- [sighs] Okay.
Heidi...

give me a tattoo...

of anything you want.

- What?
No.

I don't know
how to tattoo someone.

- Guess what.
I don't care.

Put your worst art
ever out there.

Nothing you make is ever
going to be as bad as this,

or as permanent.

- Where did you even get
this pen from?

From the ground?

That's where worms have sex.

- If you don't tattoo me in
ten seconds, I will tattoo you.

Ten...
- No you won't.

- Nine...
- You're lying.

- Eight...
- Okay, okay!

- Se--
- Okay.

I will tattoo you.

Take a seat, madam.

Do you want me to do it
in front of all these people?

- Yep.
- Oh, so this is where--

where you want me to do?

Okay.

I will do it.
[chuckles nervously]

Mm.

Does that hurt?

It seems like
it doesn't hurt her at all.

Oh, mm.

Oh, wow,
I am really good at this.

I think I might have found
my calling.

This is awesome.
Oh, my God, I did it.

I did it!
I did it, I did it, I did it!

- You did!
What is it, though?

A bowling ball?

- It's my favorite actress--
Sandra Bullock.

Everyone loves Sandy.

- See?

You weren't prepared.

You can't fix it.

But you survived.

Though I'm not sure I will.

I think you hit bone.

- Oh, this feels amazing.

Normally I don't go anywhere
without an A-plus health grade

and a visible
choking-safety poster,

but this is the beginning
of a brand-new Heidi.

Do any of you guys want
a tattoo?

I'm a pro now.
[all muttering]

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, God, it's Bumper.
- Oh.

- "Couldn't even get past
the turnstiles.

"Gonna drink, bye.
Siri, find the closest bar.

"Oh, shit, I'm still texting.
Siri, stop texting.

Oh, no, this text is going
to cost me so much money."

[sighs]
You know, my plans are screwed,

and things are already
out of my control.

Maybe I should just improvise.

Yeah.

Let's go save my song.

And you know what?

You know what?

I am finally gonna get
an electric toothbrush.

What am I waiting for,
an invitation?

[laughs]
Whoo!

- We have an appointment.
- Of course.

- Can you believe it?

I didn't even know
that's what I was going to say

until seconds
before I said it--

parsnip, injection, catacomb.

[rhythmic smacking
and clanking]

- * And a decent whiskey
for the day *

* When I'm gone,
when I'm gone, mm-hmm *

* You're gonna miss me
when I'm gone *

You'd never believe it,

but this was, like,
a huge deal.

Everyone loved it.
They lost their minds for it.

- They loved it?

- I don't get it either.

I'm sorry
I messed everything up.

- So Heidi
really wrote that song?

Heidi?
- Yeah.

It was...

magic.

- She's worked for me
for seven years.

I knew she went
to music school,

but she never told me
she could do that.

I'm trying to be a manager.
I can't even detect

talent directly under my nose.
- I know.

- My mustache
could be Oscar Isaac,

and I wouldn't know.

Maybe I deserve to have
my career destroyed.

- Seems harsh.

- I guess
it's true what they say...

you miss 100%
of the shots you take.

When the episode comes out,
pin it all on me.

Pin that tall tale
on this tall donkey.

Tell them I demanded
you lie about the song.

You can still make Unity Day.

You can still be a star
without me.

- Pieter, don't talk like that.

- Oh, God,
now I can't even talk right?

- Hey, sad boys.
Got big news.

We talked to the hosts
of "Sour Pickles"--

- Wait, you got
into the building? How?

- It wasn't that hard.
- Was it a disguise?

Or you slid
underneath the turnstiles,

then whipped out nunchucks
like turtle power?

- Shut up.
Shut up.

We got "Sour Pickles"
to pull the episode.

- All we have to do is have
Pieter give an interview

about Gisela's involvement
in the DSM scandal.

They've heard rumors
that she was responsible,

but they've never been able
to confirm it.

Pieter...

is it true?

- It's true.

[electronic music]

Ultimately,
it was my fault.

I was the one
who pushed the button,

but, yes, technically,
Gisela was the one

who thought
to use the sound machine

for Das Sound Machine.

[crowd cheering]

However, it was I who flipped
it on and I who was caught.

I promised I would never reveal
her involvement.

[crying]

We were dating
and in love at the time.

- [shouting in German]

- I did it!

* *

She left me immediately
after the news broke.

* *

And then my heart broke.

- Oh.

- Pieter, I had no idea.
Why didn't you tell us?

- My sense of honor

always outweighed
my desire for revenge,

and also, I maybe still have
stupid feelings for her,

which I deal with by doing
1,000 push-ups every day.

- Oh, my God,
you still love her.

- Yes, I know it's shameful,
but I find her so irresistible.

It's the part of me
I like the least,

and I have seven nipples,

and they are not
where you think they are.

- Okay.

So let me get this straight.

If you do this,

my disaster interview
goes away,

and you throw dirt on
our main rival for Unity Day,

and the story makes you seem
more sympathetic,

and it helps repair
your reputation,

and it gets you
over your toxic ex?

Guys?

Okay, I'll be the one
to say it.

This certainly feels

like a "kill a bunch of birds
with one stone" situ-aish.

* We making down pillows
tonight, boys *

And girls.

- Never do that again.
But maybe he's right.

Gisela deserves everything
that's coming to her.

Gut her, Pieter.
End it once and for all.

- This is
the right thing to do.

Gisela's your competition.

[sighs] She's also bad,

even if she also
makes me horny

and the thought of hurting her
makes me feel

like I'm wearing someone else's
wet bathing suit.

Oh, why must I still pine
for her sweet sherbet kisses?

What a cruel reality of life

that we can't choose
for whom we ooze.

[sighs] I'm just glad I can do
something to help you, Bumper.

- Oh, God.

You can't do this.

- What do you mean?

- It's not right.

I mean, sure,
it would get me off the hook,

but that's not your job--

certainly not at the expense
of your heart.

No.

It's my job.

I mean, you got me here.

You set me on the path
to Unity Day.

[sighs]
I have to right this ship.

[sucks teeth]
I mean, it's my dream.

I have to start taking
responsibility for my actions.

- Then what are
you going to do?

- [sighs] I think
I have to do something

I haven't done
in a very long time.

- What's that?

- Try to think of something.

- Yeah.

[dramatic music]

- I told my friends
I'd fix this, but...

I have no idea how.

- It's like my coach from
the East German Olympics team

used to say--
don't do the high jump

if you've taken
the steroids for shot put.

Play to your strengths.

- [chuckles] Yeah.

Well, the only thing
I'm good at is ruining things.

* *

Wait a minute.

- No.

* *

- [chuckles]

* *

- Bumper.

- Tell me you didn't call
an emergency team meeting

to get matching jackets.

- No, but we should put
a pin in that,

because that is
a very, very good idea.

Okay, so you know how
I always mess everything up?

- Yes.
- Oh, yes.

- Big-time.

- Okay, well,
what if this time,

I mess something up
on purpose...

to help us?

Would you guys trust me
to do that?

- Yeah, actually.
- Actually, yes.

- Thank you.

Because what I have in store
is gonna make

"Sour Pickles"
look like small p--

pickles.

[distant cheering]
- Yeah.

- Here we go.

[crowd cheering]

- Hello, my little Gise-lads

and Gise-lasses!

- And what's up,
all my Bumper Gump shrimps?

- Yes!
Bumper Gump shrimps!

Bumper Gump shrimps!
- Gump shrimps!

- Bumper Gump shrimps--
shrimps...

- [through clenched teeth]
What the hell

do you think you're doing,
you silly little kinder man?

Are you perhaps lost
on your way

to one of Berlin's many
world-famous chocolate shops

or museums?
[laughs]

- No, I was just thinking,

what if we turn
this little concert

into a little riff-off?

[crowd cheering]

- Of course you are challenging
me to a whiff-off.

You Americans, you are
obsessed with your whiff-offs.

- Whiff-off?
- Yeah, a whiff-off.

- It's a riff-off.
- Whiff-off.

- Riff-off.
- You said whiff-off.

I said whiff-off.
- Okay.

- And I would love to be a part
of the whiff-off,

but, unfortunately,
the a cappella bylaws

clearly say a "quowum"
of a cappella peers

must be "pwesent"

for a whiff-off
to be legally binding.

So it's sad, yeah.

- It's actually not sad, nein.

It's not sad at all,

because if you were to reread
page 45, paragraph 7,

it clearly states,

"In the case
of an international riff-off

"within 100 kilometers
of a fordable river,

the quorum can be waived"!

[cheers and applause]

- All right, then,
what are the stakes?

- If I win,

I get to say whatever I want

to all of your followers
on your livestream.

all: Ooh!

- Okay, and, uh, when I win?

- If you win, I will...

go back to America...

all: Ooh!
[cheers and applause]

Today.

- All right, then,
I agree to your terms.

But we are on my home turf,

so the theme is Germany.

You will sing German songs,

and I will sing American songs.

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

- You're about to go down.

* Here I am *

* Rock you like a hurricane *

* Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on! *

- [beatboxing]
- * Here I am *

* Rock you like a-- *

- * But I have to charge *

* My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard *

* And they're like,
it's better than yours *

* Damn right,
it's better than yours *

* I can teach you *
[singers vocalizing]

* I know you want it *

* The things that makes me-- *

- [hisses]

- * Du hast, du hast mich *
- [beatboxes]

- * Nyah, nyah, nyah *

- * Do what I wanna do *

singers:
* It's my prerogative *

- * Oh, no, no *
[all beatboxing]

* Don't ask me questions *

* Why am I so real? *

* But they don't understand-- *

- * No one understands
what Major Tom sees *

* Now the light commands *

- You're supposed
to be helping me.

* I'm coming home *
- * Four, three, two, one *

* Yeah! *
- * Earth below us *

* Drifting, falling *

- You're supposed to be doing
my song.

- * Floating weightless *
- Oh!

- * Calling, calling-- *

- * We could be homeless,
we could be broke *

* As long as you love me,
I'll be your platinum *

* I'll be your silver,
I'll be your gold *

* As long as you love-- *

- * No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no *

both: * No, no *

- Oh, Gisela.

Ooh, you lose.

- What do you mean?

- You see, Justin Bieber...

is Canadian!

all: Ooh.

- Those were your rules, so--

- But he lives in America,
and he loves money and fame,

and he peed in the bucket.

- And yet his blood runs maple.

[Canadian accent]
Sorry "aboot" it.

[laughs]
Where's the livestream?

Hey!

What's up?
I'm Bumper Allen!

Check out my new song,
written by my girl

Heidi Miller!

[cheers and applause]

You are so lucky you have
an ex who is looking after you.

Your career almost ended today.

I know about the thing.

- The bathroom looked like that
before I went in there,

I swear.

- I'm talking
about the DSM thing.

Your thing sounds gross.

I won!

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

- Off.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

* *

[music playing softly,
indistinct chatter]

- Pieter just heard
that "Sour Pickles"

pulled your interview
since you scooped them

on releasing your song.

- Just to say it,
I would love to work with you

whenever you're ready.

We are the most talented
here, anyway.

- You know it. [chuckles]
- [grunts]

[groans] Sorry, my tattoo's
a little tender.

- Sorry.

- Team, great work today.

And seeing Gisela
glistening up there onstage

inspired me to make
a resolution of the heart.

I deserve better
than to be in love

with the very woman
who destroyed me.

I will try to have
the self-respect of a man

with way fewer nipples.

From here on out,

I will no longer be
under the spell of Gisela.

From now on,
my heart belongs to you all.

- Turtle power.

- Turtle power.
- Turtle power.

- Whoo!

- Hello, Pieter.

- Gisela.

- I heard you saved
my hide today,

and so I thought
you might as well feel it.

[intriguing music]

* *